Losing Nanny

One of the things that keeps me smiling

2010-04-25T14:23:00.000-05:00

waiting

2010-02-22T23:02:00.000-06:00

why is it that the world seemed to stop on april 14th,2008. its like in my mind my kids weren't suppose to get any bigger, grow any more, learn anything new, or forget the face that greeted them almost every am like routine. now that my papaw is gone it is almost harder because it made me have to relive alot of the same wounds. so fresh still that pain inside.papaw was suffering but you weren't you still had so much life to bear,i miss papaw even his sick state of not knowing me, just to hear him say brookiedoodle one more time would make my heart smile, but with out you the world just isn't the same, i can't put it in words but just feel like the person i once was, the joy deep inside, is gone, i know you wouldn't want me to feel so empty with out you here, you always said you feared that because you were worried i would feel alone with out you by my side, i told you if you left me then i was going with you, if only it were that easy to run and hide, if i had one wish it would be to just see and talk to her again. my husband says then i would long for another day that i would never be satisfied because of how much she was a part of both of our lives but at least there could be words of encouragement and guidance to how am i suppose to do this nanny, or do that, you promised to teach me your tricks of ironing, and homemade waffles, and the trick to making that skillet cornbread, fried okra, and the stock market, but we just thought we had all the time in the world. i thank God everyday that I chose to stay home with my babies since nanny was right down the road. she was retired and this put us on adventures almost every day together and she would laugh and me and tell me that she came over to get a break, and i said i need u here so i can have my break then too! with my first i can remember even her coming over everyday bec i was nervous about taking a shower, what if the baby starts to cry. she just thought that was the funniest thing ever, and then fast forward three years later and I walk in to find my 3 yr old and 1 yr old in the bassinet with my 1 week old. a little more laid back, proably too much at times, but i took pictures, and she said "o no you didn't, he is going to kill that baby, you better tear him up, this is serious. O i always knew how to get a rise out of you nanny. your sense of humor was the greatest and you seemed to come alive around babies and vacation and the snow. i have grown up a lot since you left and I think i wonder if you would be proud or did you dream of more than i am doing right now. why can't i just get over losing you, i know i can't have you back, but my heart just won't let it go. so i still cry, maybe not as much, probably bec my tear bank is a little low to say the least. first you, then paps the next year, now both of the people i adored that raised me since i was two years old are gone. pressure is bigger than ever to leave the legacy you gave to us. i can see all of your hard work with your six grandbabies paying off every day to say the least. we are strong, fighters, passionate for Christ, and live with our last day in mind on most of days, but it makes me sick i can't hear your thoughts on it only i can just assume of what you would say or think. i just want to be near you, in the same exact room, like we use to when i was sad. sometimes you would just lay near me and we wouldn't even have to say a word, see looking back you were my rock because their was already so much insecurity there and doubt from not having my mom and you would try your best to protect me from the pain since it was lies over and over again, but just like me i think down deep you wanted to think this is it..the day she will give all that bs up and be new and whole again. can you believe she did it, never ever would you believe though who she is now. even if u had hope left for her to quit you would never dream that she is working at times 16 hrs shifts, fighting now for what is best for her patients and i have a feeling holds on to you and paps from all of them as well, she talks to you often and at times i just want to believe you can hear her, just so you know all of the heartache wasn't for nothing, not even close. she is a hard worker and still learning the ropes, but she is free nanny, just like we would dream about, and papaw always would tell us not to question what God was able to do. he said i believe she will be healed and will be functioning again. if only you and him could have known that she would be the one by his side the last 16 months of his life. she gave back at last, even if he couldn't say thanks at the time, how neat will it be in heaven when he can hug her and say he knows now what she did and he knows her heart is living for God now instead. if she could come in the doors just one more time, i would sit with her and watch the snow fall like we use to, day dream of all the trips we would take with my kids once my body healed and she was done taking care of Papaw. here it is coming up on two years with out the woman I knew as mom and still the pain so intense. its no a new pain, not a fast curve ball thrown in my face, its like that nagging kind of pain that hangs on that you just can't shake. is it as much of a shock as it was the day it happened, the day my world stopped, not even close, but i still feel like she should still be here, like maybe just maybe this entire thing is a bad dream, she was only 71. taking care of two kids her self day in and day out and don't get me started on all she did for my Papaw. Nanny if you were here right now you would be amazed at how much everyone says Brooklyn acts like I did as a toddler. You would be proud of Jackson, he hasn't gotten in trouble yet at school and has come home with near perfect behavior almost everyday. See all that worrying for nothing...what's funny is Autie told me you were talking about him and Bailey and how you were worried he was going to hurt our new baby Brooklyn just 5 minutes before your massive anuriusm at the ball park. I relive those moments of our last conversation that day over and over and think, what did i miss, you sounded so fine, you didn't even tell me you felt bad or had a headache just that you thought maybe you were getting a stomach bug. We laughed and laughed about Uncle Jacks 80th bday as you drove to the Ualr game and about how Papaw tried to eat the cake with his hair comb. Your voice is still so near and I can still hear the tone, affliction, dilect, when i think of you. I can still see your hands, your beauty marks,moles, wrinkles and exactly which ones got on your nerves the most, the way the door sounded when you came in, I always knew it was you, i still catch myself looking for your purse in the place you always set it, i swear it should be there again and even still make uick mental notes of ooo i need to tell Nanny this , she won't believe what Bailey said. You would be so proud of Ash, he is playing pro ball just like you always knew he would, your other princess is an occupational therapist, and just is still working so hard. Then there is my brother who is going to college and working full time where you always dreamed he would. Yes he delivers the mail and loves it. My sister the last princess you raised is maturing before my eyes. Almost ten is hard to believe since she was 7 days away from 8 when you left this earth. I can't wait to talk to you again. You were such a part of me, sometimes I think maybe too much because I just never imagined losing you this way. i'm waiting for the pain to get lighter,easier, tolerable, but with every new milestone you miss, every new adventure that comes our way that I can give you all the details, and with every inch my three babies grow, it just doesn't seem like it ever will. I love that I can still feel you so close to me and can still see your face, hear your voice, all of it. stay near me nan, i'm scared, i wish i could've said goodbye, or just had one more day to truly walk this life with you. one thing is true I see how quickly life can change in seconds, how its not really ours at all, so i'm waiting for it to feel normal here with out you but i'm guessing it won't.

little things

2009-11-22T01:57:00.000-06:00

Its always the little things that help me to remember just how fearfully and wonderfully we are all made. Today I ran across these verses while praying for a few friends that are going through such difficult times with life or a illness. Sometimes when I think I am in a bad circumstance or despair it takes something worse to bring light to the once pit I thought I was in. Then I can see the Lord's hand in how he took something so awful and turned it into something beautiful. Why can't I instantly everytime have the faith when faced with hard times or when I see a friend in such an awful circumstance that my first response is one of hope instead of fear. The Lord just like before will use the circumstance or tragedy and turn it into something good. I know this, I most of the time feel it from him, but yet the enemy stays busy building doubt in all of our minds. Probably because I know that no matter how much I think I have the right solution or answer, it isn't me in control. I might try, but then always am reminded how much easier it would have been on my heart to have first just got on my knees before him and not spend negative energy with worry and fear of the unknown. Being at peace with the will of our Father in Heaven is so freeing for me.
Lord help me to reflect on these verses I read today so that I can lean on you instead of myself our others in my life for the hope that only you can give. For you are good, all the time. You are so good to me.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear,but of power, and of love and of sound mind."2Tim 1:7

"In every thing give thanks;for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."1 Thess 5:18

"For I know the thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to me, and I will listen to you and you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord,and I will bring you back from your captivity." Jeremiah 29:11-13.

when I try my way 1st....

2009-10-18T09:06:00.003-05:00

I usually think I'm sailing right along, then boom, boom, boom...life hits and I can't even catch my footing. I truly believe the saying of when it rains it pours. It seems that this is when the devil knows we are at are weakest and does everything he can to destroy. So why do I underestimate his ability to kill steal and destroy just as the Word as laid out before me. Just in the last 18 months I've experienced more loss than the previous 25 years combined. First was Nanny, the best Momma ever, then two weeks later on the same day my Step Papaw and my little sister’s mom who was only in her mid thirties. So now not just me and my two siblings raised by Nanny, but my Dad's other daughter, only a teen is left motherless as well. It seems like since Jan of 2008 I just can't catch my breath and I could use a few sunny days for sure. I still had so many things to ask her about life and how she did certain things. I still wake up every day and remind myself that she is gone. I say come on it's been 1.5 years already and it should be a reality now.

Yes the shock isn't as raw the pain easier to manage with time but it doesn't change that I want her back. The entire world kept moving right along while I and my husband could barley move at all. Why do we think we have some type of say of when our time here is done? Why do we get so made at God for taking those we love, he never said we all would live to see our elderly years yet we feel like we were served a huge injustice and can't process one that we love being taking away. Even though we know we all will die it is like we have all of the stipulations that say "okay I will be okay as long as I die when I'm this age, let me not suffer, or be taken when my body is still healthily because we have fear about whets next or how long we will be apart from those that mean the most to us here. I just don't want to take one breath for granted because I truly might not make it to see gray hair. So many stages of grief, that you cannot grasp unless first hand. There is no right word to say to that morning a loss that cuts the heart. Just be there in stillness like the Father above. I am thankful Father this am as I sit and ponder on how good you have been to me. You have taught me a lot about patience in these past few months. I am thankful for the ability to forgive those that hurt me most. I am starting to see things that I couldn't see at first. Like how there is no possible way people would be on the road to recovery and this is how we all are going to live in eternity together vs. an eternity spent apart. That is all that matters and what the fight is all about. It's not what we are doing today for fun, or if our house is clean, or what we are cooking for dinner, or if we should take that new job, it is what we do with what is handed to us and how we bring others to his Word. Pray for his will to be done and to be used and then have faith that he will get through. I am amazed by the strength he gives to me on a daily basis. He has kept me from losing it on my bad days and I can't imagine what it would have looked like if I didn't rely on him but on the things of this world. It is very scary to me to think of all of those in such agony as we speak and don’t fall on him. What's to lose? Why is it so hard to surrender? Why do we think we can do it better? We can't. We know it deep down but somehow usually always try the hard way first. Is it pride, selfishness, or pure motives for wanting what we want, and wanting it now that we can't let go 100%? Sometimes it is easy to look at someone else who you think has it all, they even put on the happy face, say the right words, but then behind closed doors they carry a lot more pain with them and have become masters at hiding it within because they are scared of failure and scared to say that they can't do it by themselves. They don't need to rely on someone they can't see when they have their very own hands right there in front of them but they usually self destruct. The devil loves those like this. He loves the dark. That is the only way from my experience that sin can grow and stay alive. As long as no one knows then we convince ourselves that it can't be that bad or we deserve it or God understands or I will just ask for him to forgive. What? Why do we think God owes us everything? He already paid the price. We are just lucky to be here, breathing, alive. Look at the sun today, the mountains if you have them, and the beautiful sky above. That is what he reflects, such a masterpiece but yet we think we know what is best for us. I don't have a clue and get so mad at myself every time for falling back into the trap for thinking I can do it by myself. Every time I say to myself that I'm going to remember how peaceful it was once I let him in and set my own motives aside but then boom here I go again thinking I have the answers or will try it my way first. God help me today stay in tune with you rather than going astray. I love the peace that flows through me, a comfort so great, hard to put in words. I can remember literally feeling you as a 7 yr old scared to death on most nights. I could feel your arms right them and you never let me stay down too long. Thank you for giving me the best gift on Earth or that money could buy. You gave me two Grandparents that loved you more than anything and let me know from early on that life would be hard, filled with pain, hardships, and joy if I let you in. It is what gets me through the trial after trail and keeps my focus on you.

behind a smile

2009-10-17T04:50:00.003-05:00

Behind her smile is a million pieces
breaking breaking
shattered once again
the daddy is now gone
She is all alone
Breaking breaking
Crying out
In a room full of people she is all alone

Mommy says rest your head

But she now has vanished too

She has fallen to the floor

Dreaming of the day someone once again knows her

Not just the pretty face but knows her deep down to her core

More than just a sweet memory, more than just in passing by

More than just another check off the list

She is breaking breaking, all that's left to do is cry
Love me, love me
Please hold her, you can hear her say without her saying a word

"Will you be the the one to pick up all the little pieces off the floor?"
Wondering if her prince will save her tonight as she cries out to her Lord.

Once made him smile, when all she had was a smile to share back
Now that grief takes up the majority of emotion inside
Will he save her, does he even know how?
Breaking breaking on the cold wet floor
She feels all alone, just asking for someone to notice her
Love her love her
She is breaking,suffocating,as she screams on the inside, save me, please God just open the door.

Why are you looking at her this way?

she can't fake the emotions festering deep inside

All she wants is out of the misery of missing the ones that knew her best
She for sure thought she had at least another ten years left

Why can't her little ones see who she use to be

It is not even the same outlook or plans, but it got buried with them in the dirt.

She use to be more carefree, the world was good, it just wasn't supposed to be

Not this cruel, not this unjust, why did God take away her angel here on Earth?

She use to get in the floor and not ball up but actually toss around her kids and play.

Her laugh sounded different, her dreams so big and full,
She knew how much she had believed in her,her little baby girl.
Just like she knew one day her baby girl would give back.
She was just like her nanny, hated to break any rules,she longs to be like her, for little did she lack.

Now her husband looks at her, wondering what kind of woman is left behind
The one she always cherished was taken from them both.
They do all that they know is left to do
They can hear her whisper the truth of the Word
Seek thee first the kingdom of God,and then my child you will find.

Something at last shines through the cold on the floor
It glows until the lost girl sees it reflecting ever so contently than before
He takes her hand and takes the first step
All because Christ came and said you now have life for I have paid your debt.

The door is open just waiting for her to walk this way
This life is too sorrowful and painful
I can't bear to watch her do it alone, a price much to great to pay.
No one here promised forever to her, and then God says "But just wait there is more."
The devil just uses fear to let it get to all
He is defeated just keep reading
All will see Heaven at last shut its two pearl doors

It's like she can hear Jesus saying "No one could ever prepare for this, not even your angel on Earth.
Yes this life is very hard and difficult not too many clues
Be thankful for every little blessing they both had with you.
From the first day of school to your college degree,
then how beautiful I waited paiently,letting her, your Angel there see all three of your babies births.

What more could you ask of me
I waited and waited but couldn't bear to see her suffer silently anymore
It wasn't sickness like cancer or a tragic accident,I just called her by name.
For,she deserved mercy, for you know better than anyone she had never thought of herself, not even close.
So I,her Savior, took a hold of her hand during that final ball game
I wiped her tears off the floor
I told her of all the good things about to happen

I shared then that her very own child would finally shut the evil door
How beautiful of a gift,she learned in those final moments that the walk of her child's painful life of drugs and alcohol was no more
She said, "O Jesus I knew you were always there listening to me and my husband pray.
For all these years we just wanted our family together
We just didn't know how to get everyone else off the floor
You are the only one true savior
I raise my hands, high, to thee
I bow down before you; my God you are so good to me
Just keep watch of my little precious ones below; for I was always fearful that they couldn't do it without me.

Then its like she hears her say to her,the child she left behind "Now precious one, just listen to me in your heart
I taught you what to do; you just didn't think you would have to lean on his understanding just yet
Leave and cleave is what the word says, I know it is hard to part.
For that is why you are on the cold floor tonight, you feel like all you can do is cry and fret.
I held on maybe a little too tight,I leaned on you to cope
I just never expected such a short stay
I thought I had plenty of time, to keep teaching you the ropes
Never dreaming I only had three weeks with your last little one to the day

I always said one day we will get to have lots of fun
That was my plan and obviously not his
For as you can see who won
For now it is me standing tall with eternal love
I know u can't see me as I am holding this sweet little angel
Better known as miss summer Nicole
She still smells just like I remember
Perfect in every way
Jesus kept her extra warm
My third little grandchild is at last in my arms
And now my Daddy that I had on earth is at last seeing this sweet day
O I can't wait for you to get here but as you can see there is still so much work to be done
He will pick up each tear for you off the floor and fit your pieces all back together one by one
We will be together again
He sees you brookiedoodle, you can count on that
You aren't just another face to him
He is there for every moment, time for a new life without me,
All you do is lean on him, and your new life will begin

Not the way you always saw before
Colors will always appear a little different I guess but it just takes a new outlook
It gives new perspective for what the rat race here is all really about
It all rest on knowing him for sure

Reading what his promises are, in the word of God, the Bible will always be the most powerful book. and only life source that makes this world tolerable for what he took.
It is the one truth I read to you over and over again
I always said it was the answers to all, all you could ever need to know right there before you, if you want to live fulfilled then all you have to do is one simple step never shut it,then pass it on to your ken
Keep turning its pages for it isn't just another good read for
it is the only thing that can truly help you up when you are so low
The only life source that makes this world tolerable for he knows like no other the pain you are feeling for what he took. "

I can now walk this road without you Nanny, for you taught me how to handle pain and suffering..I can do all things through Christ who strengthes me. Everything I could possibly need, right there in your very own Word

I decide in that sweet moment in time, to let the past just be the past, I will keep fighting the fight for his Kingdom and all that it represents within
For the answers were always right there, God lets us hit the bottom sometimes as a reality that we can't walk the walk alone
I stop crying to catch a breath to slow down and process all that my heart just heard

He has laid out the future and how to take each and ever step

I was blessed with the greatest gift of all. Because of YOU I see the light, for I am now free, all because Jesus is the one that saved me, He is the giver of life,the one that paid my debt.

what is love?

2009-10-16T00:51:00.001-05:00

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 18:14

The greatest of these is love is what you hear in Sunday school growing up but what does that really mean. Love is a fruit of the spirit so is it possible to love when someone doesn't believe in Him. Or is God speaking of a different type of love, a love that one can only fully grasp when they are a believer and experience it first hand. Right before I got married I wrote a poem to my soon to be husband. I ended up walking down the isle as it was played to the song he propsed to me with. While working on my reunion I ran back across it and was reminded of all of those little things that I sometimes forget about "what love really is". I don't necessarly always think it is a feeling but a choice. However you can't fake love.

You can't say well I'm going to pretend to love this person that hurt me because I made a choice. It truly is a gift that comes from within. That is something that is so hard to do, to love when it is undeserved and when you don't feel love back. For so many years I loved people that were suppose to naturally love me back, actually love me first to show me what love is. Of course I experienced love and acceptance but when that one person that brought you into this world doesn't quite have those nuturing abilites to give security and love, it hurts the very nature of the person. That is where I believe the fruit of the spirit plays a role in my life. He jumped in and saved me with his love and acceptance and that is how I was able to love so many back as a child. Of course I cried on most days but he was there holding me along with my Grandparents and so many others. I think tonight of those kids laying there that don't know Christ or don't have other family members to bring hope to them and I honestly wish I could wrap all of them under my wings and shield off the ugly world spiting in their face. I think how different of a wife, mother, daughter, friend I would be if I didn't experience love, I probably wouldn't be any of those things at all but someone that only sees myself and my pain. I'm thankful tonight that God blessed me with what I have. It is easy to get caught up in the fast paced ways of the times and forget that just 10 years ago texting, facebook, blogs, even cell phone usage, and emails, were just starting and not widespread. How does so much change so fast. Then I think back to just 7 years ago and what I wrote to my husband on what love was and now love means something totally different.

In the past five years we have had 3 kids, 1 miscarriage at almost 10 weeks, bedrest for 3 months with our 3rd baby, lots of physical therapy, passing the CPA exam, tons of work responsibilty of managing audits now, slowly overtime not working as much on marketing and focusing now on just my home and doing work from there, Papaw progressing with Althzimers, my Mom in and out of our lives, deciet, lies, sin, heart problems, new medication and side effects, bills, 4 surgeries on our children, NICU, night after night of no sleep, more bills, addictions, co-dependancy, depression, veritgo, migranes, minears disease, anglyospondolitis, chronic inflamation, one child with severe allergies, another that needs updraft machiene at home, two trips to the ER in two weeks with 2 different kids for accidents with our girls, cousin signing proball, new sister, siblings the same age as our kids, hurt by friendships, new leadership roles at church, house on the market and showing it with two babies, off the market, offer, not taking it, then staying put, event planning charities, tv apperances, doing acting work on the side, ebay business, arbonne manager then quiting because of the time it took, late nights for the husband working, bills, steriod injections in joints in the back, being unable to walk without pain six months after giving birth, losing basically our mom aka Nanny three weeks after our third child was born, then two weeks later losing a grandpa and my sister's mom on the same the day, one to cancer and one unexplained as she was still in her 30's, too many of the same meals, not enough quality time, cuddle...what's that again?, fights, arguing over arguing, disapointments, failure, healing of relationships, my biological mom back in my life after 25 years of absence, forgiveness, restoration, new friendships, planning my reunion together, losing my best friend, disney world with the kids for the first time, san diego just us two, branson twice a year, getaways, family vacations.too many to count, holidays, wrecks, broken appliances, major hail storm, hearing a tornado just one mile from our house and holding all three in a bathtub in the middle of the night, new closeness with Aunt and cousins, clearing of a lot of medical debt, helping raise one of my siblings until my mom stopped using since we first got married until just 18 months ago, watching my little brother become a man, watching another brother become a husband and now soon to be dad, Papaw having a stroke, in and out of hospitals, being in a cardic unit for three days and feeling alone and scared, being told I was losing my first baby to see him survive, watching close friends divorce, sharing my testimony in public for the first time in front of a large group, giving my grandparents their 50th anniversary party, watching those I love go through loss and depression, organizing...what's that anymore?, what school for the kids?, bible study after bible study, book after book just wanting answers, poem after poem, new hobby, not even hours in the day, not enough lovin in the day, not enough dates, not enough not enough not enough is what the culture says.

Now just scratching the surface I'm exhausted. I don't write all of the first things that come to mind of the past five years to gain empathy as I'm sure the list could be filled with so much more darkness but it is a window into the new meaning of love in my life. Love isn't a feeling. If it were one day I would love and the next day I wouldn't. Love is a choice. A choice to be there, to accept when it doesn't feel possible, to step towards when you want to step the other way, to hug when you want to push, to inspire when you want to reject, to admire when you want to tear down, to never give up on. Love like this is only possible because of Christ. Notice the theme of "want to" but the choice is doing something different. The choice isn't because of selfish motives or reasons, the choice is because of our Maker. He gives drive like no other. It can't be explained, there is no formula, no book, no lesson, only Him! Love is many things, love is beautiful, a reflection of his heart for us as his children. I think of how many times I must let him down, but he always chooses to love me, it is constant, it is pure, it is lovely, it is what keeps me going on days when I feel like I can't take another step. Embrace him, if you don't know how just ask him to hold you. He is waiting, such a gentleman, he is there, call on him, he wants to make him self known in your heart. The joy I get from him on days when it isn't possible to feel happiness by looking at the situation is the times when I see just how powerful the fruits of the spirit really are. Love, Joy, Peace, Self Control, Goodness, Gentleness, Forgiveness, all a gift from him and only possible to truly posses by being filled by the Holy Spirit. Life is a very long road no matter how many years we spend here. It is full of rocks, bumps, hills, valleys, straight, narrow, but there is always a choice of how we will walk the road, how we will survive the road, what turns we will make on the road, if we will choose to jump off the road, will we ask for directions when lost on the road, the road is long but I choose to stay on it with my husband. Even though our road has changed drastically in the past five years when looking at the words spoken on our wedding day one fact remains the same on how I ended my walk down the isle with my father, I said "I am now complete because sweet-heart I know love is you and me." Love is you and me only because of his gift of mercy and grace. Thank you for loving me when you feel like doing everything else that goes against the fruits of the spirit. I am blessed because you love HIM.

"Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world."

Climbing when the end is near

2009-10-14T21:28:00.000-05:00

Ten years of slowing loosing the ability to take care of yourself is I feel one of the worse things possible to have. It takes away all of the memories, thought patterns, livelihood, confidence, drive, personality, and can then take away the ability to even remember how to breathe on your own. Papaw has been such a fighter through all of this but never lost hope on a cure. He never lost faith, he never stopped praying for a miracle, and even now when you say papaw do you want to go to Church, he pops up and says o'yes! It is precious. A side

of Papaw I've always admired and wanted in my own walk. The fight to keep going, no matter the circumstance, rest on the Word and you can stand is what he said to me over and over. He was faced with obstacle after obstacle. From losing a baby sister as a child, to seeing his own child walk down such a brutal road, his third grandchild in a wreck at 8 months old and not making it, raising me until I was grown, then starting all over again for the third time with my brother and sister. He loved to sing to me on the way to school especially, only he would make up the songs, he told me stories all the time about my favorite people in the Bible, he loved the song Elvira and would sing it just like they did, he loved nap time and snored with the best of them, he loved anything Nanny cooked, said, did, heard for that matter, she was his sweet-heart and he always said she was a Good woman for putting up with him all these years (of course with a grin on his face). He worked at the Post Office until they told him to retire because the disease had started to take away his ability to focus clearly (let me not forget to add that he had retired from the Railroad though before he ever began at the Post Office (he always said he didn't care how many times he retired he was working till he couldn't or died) a provider in every sense of the word, when he got off at the post office he would go to his next business on the River, he owns land behind the Clinton library and it was his dream to turn into something big, he built his own docks and to this day still has boat customers. Him and his brother were as close as brothers can be and had so many plans together. His brother passed away 11 years ago of a sudden heart attack and Papaw was never quite the same. Shortly after he started having a few slips ups, like where he put his keys, phone (yes he even had a cell phone which he thought was a little too much for him but Nanny insisted with him down on the river at night in not the best side of town), remote, and then bigger things like if he had already brushed his teeth, eaten, and then even where the bathroom was. We had to beg to get him to the Dr in 99 but I think deep down he knew. I studied all the research on meds and we had some success and some not so good side effects but one thing I will say is that he never was mean or became aggressive. He always said he was doing good and smiled ALWAYS. I remember when I had Jackson and he always said "she is just so pretty" He knew that he was mine but could never remember his name. Then when we would remind him he would said "Action Jackson" or Michael Jackson or even Jason Jackson(which was someone I went to school with.) He watched him some with Nanny and just thought he was the best thing ever. When we would have to correct him he would say "o brooke u know I’m slippin a little" As time went on he sat back and listened mostly. I feel he was always scared of looking silly or messing up someone’s name, or hurting someone else's feelings. He even at restaurants would say "now Pat, you know what I want you order for me" Which wasn't like him before. He still would just smile so sweet at everyone and say "how are you doing" to everyone he met. He never met anyone that I know of that didn't like him. Once he retired at the Post Office, he was still determined to get out and about and said he wasn’t' letting some disease take over what he loved to do. So Nanny would hesitantly agree to his many trips to the Mariana. Lots and lots of land that he still was determined to do something with. He bought it when he was a young man and had many people wanting to buy it and he wasn't interested in letting go of it EVER, if you asked him why he said "o no, that's staying with me till I leave it behind. He taught my little brother things he would have never known since his Daddy died when he was only four. In fact my little brother to this date is working at the post office because he wants to be just like his Paps. My papaw would be so proud if he knew. I use to go down to the river sometimes just to watch him in his element. More equipment then one man would ever need or use but he had a love for machines and it shows! He built a river house on it, work buildings, storage units, his own levy, he was such an entrepeneur with so many trades and tricks up his sleeve, he could build anything, fix anything, good with cars, such a hands on kind of man..the best!! He loved baseball, especially watching Ashur, his favorite player of all time play. He would sit up on the hill at the ballpark in the car with Nanny and they didn't miss a game. Even when he didn't know much anymore like 3 years ago he was still making all the games. He loved to watch Ash play. Nanny told me that before he got worse he use to ask her like five times a day if they were going to watch Ashur play. She would say no, but then a few hours later he would ask if they could go again. He loved the Lord, I can still see him with those arms held high praising God and thinking to myself as a little girl how someday I wanted my husband to be like him. He never stopped telling me how proud he was of me and how happy I made him. He wasn't a man of many words but honey when he spoke...all listened! He believed in seeing the best in people and not judging others by the cover. When I was in college and his disease was just beginning I watched him interact with my sister Raain. He told everyone that was his baby! He idolized her, he didn't care what race she was, who looked funny because she didn't look like his, or how many times he was asked about why he was raising a little one this late in his life. Rain loved her Papaw. She slept in between Nanny and Papaw just like I did until Nanny passed away exactly a year and half ago from today. I think of the pain I'm feeling but then have to acknowledge how insecure at times she must feel to not have them on each side of her when she goes to bed at night. Sure she has her Mommy now, which is all Papaw and Nanny dreamed of for 25 years, but still no matter how many people you have in your life I can relate to feeling alone in a crowded room. He told me when I was in college that he felt like seeing me so determined brought him happiness and made him feel like all of his efforts were so worth it. I will never forget how that made me feel. When nanny called me and told me the devastating news of his test I will never forget where I was on the road and the pain that went with it. I cried and grieved then and continued to each time I saw him loose independence. I was glad Josh was driving my car because I wouldn't have made it on those back roads of between Conway and Little Rock. I cried until I couldn't anymore. I never let him know because he was already processing enough. He didn't want anyone to know because he didn't want anyone to worry. He drove until it wasn't possible anymore, he held me tight when I was scared, he watched me cheer, at my homecomings, plays, recitals, softball games, let me drive the car in the cemetery every Sunday after Church when I was like 13-16, and now I'm just as determined to be there for him. As a small child I didn't know what I gift I had with him and nanny taking care of me. How could you. They didn't know if I would ever remember all of the little things, they didn't know if I would rebel from what they taught me to be true, or if I would hurt them, or even how long they would have me, little did they know when they started it was for the long haul. I know people thing why would you spend so much time at the hospital when you know he doesn't know you are there, you know that you can't really help or change the disease, he won't remember one minute to the next, and my answer is because I don't care if he knows, I know because of my walk with the Lord that, HE WILL KNOW. He will see my heart when he does get his mind back in heaven and know that he was loved and not just left somewhere on people waiting for him to pass. He will know that all of his prayers had come true on my Mom being free of her addictions. He will see just how Good he knew the Lord to be. He will get the ultimate reward I have not one doubt. When you spend your entire life being a servant leader you will have a room full of people waiting to serve you is what his illness has taught me because of just how special he was to not just me but to all. There are people that he hasn't seen in years just coming to say Hi everyday. Even though they know the same things as me, that maybe right now he doesn't know we are who we are, but he isn't Alone and he is loved. He still smiles at all that make eyes with him and he is fighting hard. He has had a very rough two weeks. He is back in the hospital and has been for over a week now. It seems as though his entire body is starting to shut down. He has blood clots in his urine, he is rejecting the feedings, he is constantly throwing up, the antibiotics are working which is a praise, he has some type of skin infection on his back and the list keeps going. He is awake more than he was but it is awful to see him like this. He only stayed in the rehab center for three days and then developed pneumonia. He was only taking 8 breaths a minute but now seems to be over the hump and it is now everything else. It has been a battle of the mind to watch someone you love so much suffer. I haven't let Jackson see him since he has had his stroke just because of his critical thinking skills. He still to this day talks about Nanny and even reminds me of stories that I forgot. I am amazed at how much he remembers about their time together. I don't want him to remember Paps this way because I know Paps wouldn't like that. Yes it is a part of life but one that I choose to protect a little longer if possible. He now has a tube going through his nose draining his chest and stomach. He pulled it out today and it hurts me so because I know he probably doesn't understand why all these people poke and prod on him. He was such a private man, clean, germ freak, wouldn't even drink after one of the kids or Nan so this is just too much to bear. Please pray for him. I just want the Holy Spirit to grab him up and protect him with his comfort and peace beyond all measure. Beyond our ability to understand. I am hanging on to the fact of knowing what is waiting for him once his body forgets how to breathe. I mean first Althizimers...going on ten years, now a stroke, and now he is fighting with all he has to hang on...I asked him the other day why he was so determined; He didn't have to answer because that is just how Papaw is...he is a fighter..Always has been, always will be. He worked hard to have the things he sought out for. He never gave up on praying the same prayer over and over for God to heal my Mom. I can vividly remember him telling me that he knew that God would take her addictions away and make all things new because "that is what I will never stop believing!" How ironic that his very own care giver is now the person that so many said would never walk a day again free of alcohol and street drugs. How ironic that the person that has tended to his feedings, changing, and grooming for the past 18 months is the daughter that so many gave up on, except him. He did so many things to try to put it in his own hands, from rehab to rehab looking for the best one, to this philosophy, to this meeting, and now looking at the situation 25 years out, it wasn't a rehab, a dr. , a magic place, a drug, or a certain thing someone said, it was way out of our hands just like my Papaw always said. He always knew the power of healing and the power Christ had and never gave up on that. He let go of it completely and now that is such a powerful example in my own life to see how God will answer, it just might not be how we think or when we think he should. He is all knowing and will make all things Good. I'm trying to find how he will make Good out of paps current situation but I can hear Paps saying back to me even though he can't utter much than yes and no right now that "we aren't suppose to question him, just believe, and pray and know he will" I'm comforted by knowing that regardless of what Paps has going on I know that the Holy Spirit is there inside of him, giving him comfort that he probably right now doesn't have the mind to grasp. Such mystery and beauty all at the same time. Just like when you look at a mountain from far away. it is a mystery how something on this Earth stands so tall, then once you are on it, it seems like a thorn in your side, hard to see progress, hard to see the end in sight, and you can't remember what you found so stunning about it in the first place. Then at last you reach the top and you again are reminded of the gift of the mountain. Papaw always held my hand on the walk up the mountain and now Jesus is holding his. Papaw when you get there I hope you smile for the day you looked forward to the most is at last yours. And Don't worry Jesus is with me too holding on to me tight until I get to the top and know that I choose to hold onto to him and not of this world all because of You papaw and your beautiful legacy you are leaving behind.

where's the justice

2009-09-29T08:08:00.001-05:00

I'm devastated. As if it isn't bad enough that my Grandfather has had Althzimers for the past ten years, has lost his pride by having his children change every diaper, lost his independence the day we took away his keys, lost his thrill for adventure when we took away his skis, and now today look what was taken away!

His ability to eat, walk, swallow, hug, and worst of all TALK

He is so head strong, but still that sweet spirit

He is fighting with all he has

A smile, only this day it feels so different

His smile is even a reminder of how fallen this earth is

He has lost a lot of his facial control

It pulls to the side and he doesn't even know it

All he knows is something is different, it just isn't the same

He wanders around the room only with those deep brown eyes
Looking for someone or something familiar, then already forgetting who had went which way
It breaks our heart because his memory is only able to recall things from his early days

I hate this disease with everything in my being

Why wouldn't this just be enough, the enemy I forgot is lingering just waiting for the opportunity to seek the heart during attack

He drives in all of us fear, worry, pain, and doubt
Papaw wants to talk but all he can do today is moan
This is the worst when seeing he wants to get the words out
When his grandbabies talk to him on the phone

Its like I can tell what his eyes are thinking
When we are all alone just stillness and peace reside in my soul
I'm reminded of all the stories he taught me of God's goodness
For he and everything he stood for is why I'm able to let go

I remember him telling me that it isn't about the things of this world

Just look in the bible of the chosen ones of our Savior

They are the ones that had such difficult roads
Our culture lies to our hearts day in and day out

Just do the right thing, say the right words, be kind to others, and you will get the easy way out
It is all the plan of the enemy to make us feel like our situation is without hope
darkness lost in the moment of sorrow
The devil loves when we forget who is the only one that can comfort to cope

It isn't about what we have here, or how great our heath is, or what our riches are of this world

The devil loves it when we believe the lie that we can have it all, he whispers "where is your Jesus now" haha, I thought you said for he is good and came to save us all!

it is sickening how the devil can make us feel so ugly inside, undeserving of forgiveness, and frankly makes us just want to hide

Escape and run inside is all part of his plan, that is when you spit in his face, and say my God is Great, Victory he has won,when he came in my heart, for I call it like I see it, and You Lucificer have lied.

The promise of my eternity is how I persevere, he makes himself known to me, letting me feel one little brush of his stroke, he fills me with joy that cannot be explained, non-believers cannot understand because that is what sets me and them apart

They see what my wonderful papaw has done with his life, never turning his back on someone in need
They ask “how if there was a God he sure isn't good indeed,
What a joke your religion is, what an injustice is what one might ask
Why would he let such a good man of faith and character suffer,
while others who live a life full of sin, have no health problems or pain and hide behide the world's mask
the mask that material things is happiness, who needs their family all together, we aren't praising and none are struggling with this disease

Is it just hit or miss the luck of the draw
I'm asked do u really believe there is something greater, a one all knowing God.”
Then I look into my one place, that is full of life so rich and raw
It says I should have no fear, my Lord is my shield and rod

He protects and I can lie in green pasture is what I can still hear my Papaw whispering in my ear
I will reflect on how many lives will never be the same because of what he did with his precious gift
It can't be explained why he loved worshiping his one and only Savior
I remember his hands lifting o so high

I can hear still hear the passion in his voice as he tells me the stories and says
"now this is the last time for tonight" and I would grin knowing I could at least probably get a few more in
Daniel in the Lions Den, Jonah and the Well over and over Papaw reflected to me God's protection

And now he sits in bed in Critical Care unable to speak, eat, walk, or spit

He now has fever, and sometimes looks at me like this might be the end,
He is in pain but can't say it, a mountain I can't climb, God please heal the damage and infection
We come to you as your little one, I bow on my knees before your throne
Surrounded by so many others tonight in love with you Jesus

You came here not because you had to but because that what you knew u had to do
So I could now be forgiven of all my wrongs
Yet our world says “why believe in Jesus, he wouldn't let the world be what it is now”
That’s when you just pray for those that don't know him, for mercy and grace is how

Unjust and miserable I don't think so
It is quite the opposite in fact
I mediate on that first moment with my Savior inside those pearly gates
I know that you and Nanny will be standing there together ready for a long awaited embrace at heaven’s door
Nanny will be there waiting in that light smiling from her head to the floor

Only the walls of the place will not be so cruel and painful
Never again will you feel agony or grief
This is the promise you lived by
And why you are now getting close to seeing Jesus face to face
You didn't worry about all the whys of when tragedy was striking
You were determined to keep your faith as your ran the race

Just one stride at a time, so focused, teaching me all I needed to know
To handle this same type of life
You were wise enough to see even from the time I was a little girl
That the Holy Spirit is a gift and I never needed anything more

I love you Papaw Calvin
Is all I want to say
I don't need to hear you say word
You've said it all along, each and every way

Through all you provided and invested in my world
I will give back to you each and every day
I'm here for you now until Jesus knows his work with you here is done
Even though u can no longer speak, he is changing lives one by one

It's your turn to rest on my shoulders, I live my life because of what u have taught me even in the worst of times
I will be a testimony of his goodness, faithfulness, self control and all of the other fruits one by one
I don't need the rain to stop, I built by house upon the foundation until my work here is done

Rest now my sweet father and don't you worry about my load
We won't endure the evil of this life very much longer sings my heart and soul
I’m resting in his promise, just now instead of it being you to wrap me in your arms so tight
I will rest in him, his purpose, he is the one now holding my hand through the flight.

When his own daughter finally became a mother to me only a few years did she do what God had asked
But Papaw always showed where he was resting, never stopped believing and praying to what the Holy Sprit called him to so deep inside
He knew his daughter, my Mom, would always come back
He taught me about how God if faithful for he is good, even on the worst of days

Its almost as though I hear you say to me, my little baby girl, now as I lay hungry, I know what it means to fully trust in him, i'm showing you what it means to not listen to the world
True joy isn't gained by a feeling off what your circumstance looks like on one given day
Ask and you shall receive is given by the Lord

So you even made it more clear, sure you went all out, not only just having stroke
But you sit there with a big grin for even though you can't pray to him now
I can hear u say without uttering a word how can we ever appreciate the gift of heaven for even some must literally starve and choke

This should answer all the world ask, don't be mad at God, I'm still making a difference, for he isn't quite done using me.

how will I know

2009-09-22T01:57:00.006-05:00

How will I know what to do

For I never had tea parties like you

How will I know what to say

I never saw it done this way

How will I know how to raise a girl

My mom disappeared

I was only four

How will I know what a little girl needs?

When we go to the hospital to have her, what will I pack?

Only 22 weeks left to ck out every book on girls to read.

I'm already worried about makeup,hair, nails, & jewlry 15 yrs from now

you see it wasn't very long ago I was the one teased for not knowing how to do all that....

My Grandparents filled a huge void that was left bare

They sacrificed their extientence just out of love to make sure I always had a chance

They were filled with His Spirit, for all they took care of with out seeking themselves, is special, in fact rare

My Nanny grabed one hand, and my Paps the other, then sought the Word on life for the dance

Once that leads to a different tune, it's the power, focused not on themselves, they taught me to care.

My Nanny always knew there would be a day
When I could have confidence with my little girl

She was my constant, never leaving me astray

When finding out I was to be a momma the 2nd time around

Instead of pure excitement and joy, I felt the fear set in

I needed someone to save me, I was lost and wanted to be found

I didn't know how to be Mom to a daughter, is what the enemy kept whispering in my ear

I asked my Savior to step in, he then grabbed my hand and took away my fear

He spoke softly,my child You don't have to be taught how to play dress up, barbies, tea parites and such

It is something that comes from within, a gift I fill and guide u step by step,follow me in all your ways, I knew you in your mother's womb and I wanted you here so much

You were not all alone while setting up your dolls

I was right there beside you

I even held you tighter when I knew she wasn't going to call

Be still child of mine and sit before my throne

You found me early on, and would smile as I would come near

We played house, laughed, read, and sang together,sometimes my voice is all you would need to hear

I took you under my wings and gave you peace and let you shine

You didn't need much, just a little comfort and some of my time

Now do the same for your daughter, take her and hold her close

Teach her the things that you know to be true

Not to be proud, rude, selfish, bitter, or boast

I picked you to be her Mother

She needs you in the ways you always wanted yours to be

Teach her to love me by your example

For as you know this is what matters the most.

Show her mercy and grace,it is what matters,matters the most to me.

God thank you for speaking life back into my soul

Now my little girl is three and my other princess is one

Looking back at my daughter still in the womb, this all seems so hard to be a hole

What was I afraid of, you were holding me until the pain of sorrow was done

The fear is now sweet love, the guilt and shame, you still take them all away

You always say it best, peace love and joy are there

You have consumed me, giver of life in my heart, Lord use me, I lay down my life for you today.

I forgive

2009-09-19T23:23:00.009-05:00

I forgive you for never being there

For not reading me stories at bedtime

I forgive you for not fixing my hair

I forgive you for sleeping all day

For not teaching me how to love a child

I forgive you for choosing the wrong way

I forgive you for having to beg for a hug and kiss

For not showing me how to love a husband

I forgive you for all the field trips you missed
I forgive you for all the nights I cried myself to sleep
For not knowing my favorite food, animal, or color

I forgive you for all of the promises you did not keep

Dear Mom, I forgive.

I forgive you for never showing me how to cook

For having to watch you get beat over and over

I forgive you for cussing me out and calling me every name in the book

I forgive you for never watching me water ski

For not being there when I made cheerleader

I forgive you for telling me that you hate me.

I forgive you for all the family vacations never taken

For not showing me how to put on make-up

I forgive you for telling you I was sick only to hear I was faking.

I forgive you for never teaching me how to fly a kite

For not helping me plan my wedding and then showing up drunk

I forgive you for missing my prom night

Dear Mom, I forgive.

I forgive you for giving me spoiled milk and still being able to smell the cup.

For stealing me life savings I worked so hard for as a teenager

I forgive you for seeing you so messed up

I forgive you for the only time you took me shopping, seeing you steal off the rack.

For not seeing me play softball, gymnastics, recitals, and plays
I forgive you for leaving me for so long and not coming back

I forgive you for all of the Christmas’s and Birthdays you missed
For missing the moment I was crowned Homecoming Princess
I forgive you for telling me you couldn't spare just one kiss
I forgive you for not showing me how to make a house a home
For not giving me comfort when I was hurt
I forgive you for when asking you to fix my hair being hit with the comb

Dear Mom, I forgive.

I forgive you for the day I gave birth not being by my side
For not knowing my fears and dreams
I forgive you for trusting you one more time only to find out you had lied

I forgive you for not being there to answer when I call
For taking me into drug houses
I forgive you for not knowing my favorite season is the fall

I forgive you for having to be a Mother to my siblings in the midst of the rain
For all of the times I cried at school when you did not show up
I forgive you for having to watch my siblings go through this same type of pain

I forgive you because I know if you could do it all over again
For we would walk this road together
From the first day you gave me life until the very end

Dear Mom, I forgive

1-10-08

Background:My Nanny was still alive when I wrote this only I had no clue I only had a few months left with her. I was on bed rest with my third child and had more time than ever to reflect on the pain from my childhood and what all I had forgiven my Mom for. I never dreamed of sharing this with her. In fact the only people that I read this to were my husband, friend, and then I read it to my Nanny. She had a few tears running down her face and I will never forget her response. She was proud I went to Christ with it all, and felt overwhelmed by the power of our Maker. She said are you going to share this with your mom. I said No. She said "Good because you know she could never handle it, the guilt already is what keeps her down and this would only send her deeper because I'm sure she has forgot most of what she has done to you." I agreeded and then it went in a drawer. My Nanny died exactly three months after this was written. But I am so glad I shared this with her because she knew that regardless of my Mom's choices I was going to be okay and had forgiven her. My husband reminded me of this poem I wrote for my Mom and said he always felt like God was going to use it somehow, he even said this to me back in Jan. when I first read it to him. I thought he was just talkin to make me feel better. However, my Mom shortly after turned her life around and broke free of some chains that after 25 yrs controled her every thought and decision. I was finally able to read this to her. Something I never thought possible was seeing my mom function, take care of others, and love her family. If you know someone that is "the child" in a similar story or is "the mom",don't stop hoping. It can happen. My mom is living proof of it. For this is the entire reason I'm sharing it now. To give hope to those that need it to love others or to give hope to someone that has caused others deep pain. There is healing, "He is the way, the light, and the truth." "For the greatest of these is love" "Build your house on the rock"How else can one explain life change of this magnitude?

what makes a treasure

2009-08-05T01:34:00.002-05:00

true friends are a treasure
and what makes a treasure a treasure?
value, significance ,uniqueness, & beauty
treasure in small ways by the value of having a friend that loves me for me

comfort given that brings significance deep within,

uniqueness because a treasure can't be replaced

a treasure is not easily found, sometimes we think we have found the treasure of our dreams only to find out that its stones are fake indeed.

they crack in the storms, tarnish & fade over time

for a treasure isn't a treasure if you are the only one investing just to see it shine

a treasure always shines regardless of admiration and love without ever saying a word

no need to be reminded when a treasure is found for actions are always louder than words
Remember the enemy will try to steal your treasures away
However a true treasure doesn't rock nor sway, it stands the test of time
Even the treasure hunters that step on and in the way
Trying to weave a web of self distruction because they long to see the light and shine go out

Those that build life on the rock, will have the best treasures of all

Some look a lifetime for a treasure and let God's hand play a role
They choose to store their treasure on the one stone that can save all
Or those that start with good intentions but only to let it fall into a huge hole
A hole that was only meant for Jesus, all you have to do is reach out and call

upon the treasure that never leaves, is always there no matter how much it puts on the heart, this treasure can't stop growing and giving, and insist on giving comfort to those that take the time to know
what loving others is all about

When you don't love your treasures and don't spend the time with what matters most,
lt all gets lost to the core of the treasure and can only fall, meaning of life is altered
forever changed, always yearing for something more
if all one did was take our treasures to the father
and just wait for him, he will open the door.

O,how a treasure can make one see the world in the way its meant to be seen.

Uplifting, joyfull, full of wonder, and peace

that's why a treasure is what you are

For a treasure is what you will always be.

what i would do

2009-07-30T01:18:00.000-05:00

what i would do for just one more hug
one more kiss
her voice, her thoughts, her smile
what i would do to feel her love

why did she have to leave me
why did she have to go
i just want her back
this is all i know

I've lost my best friend
I've lost the one who knew me best
my guardian, grandmother, protector,
the one that made sure I always had the best

the best that she could do
the best that she could give
i always wanted to give back
she just left before that day came

she never asked for anything
all she did was give
to all with whom she loved
the list is too long to share

why did she have to leave me
i just want her back
she would never have to lift a finger
i would do anything to see her smile
along with so many others
she was a great American hero
just living in her house
she worked for God's kingdom, always thought of his House

her life motto was to share her heart to see another smile
her thoughts to see another secure
her pockets to see another safe
her laughter to see another ones face
her hand to see another well
why can't i ask her how she did it all
is this why she had to go
was God ready to give her a break
one much needed and deserved

why couldn't we get a warning
why couldn't we have a sign
were they all there and we were just too busy to notice
or did we choose not want to see what was there
she never slept, just made sure everyone else did
did she know how much I cared

the best of moms
the best of care
i never had to worry
she was always there
why did she have to leave me
i just want her back
i would do anything, please Nanny just come back

happy birthday Nanny, is all i want to say
happy Birthday Nanny, u deserved the kind of party I know you got today
Jesus sang to you today, just wish I could have too,
Jesus is what keeps me fighting for good
he is my only hope
you taught me he is the answer
Because of you i wait for him to calm the storm
when will this nagging pain subside
is this what will always be until the day we embrace again
a child which i was still yours was never going to be ready to say goodbye
you were the one that took care of my every need
never wanted or even expected in return
we always joked that i would have to spend the next twenty years trying
why didn't u give me that turn
i know you would have died inside to know what was near
did you smell it
could you feel it
did you see it
could you sense that your death was near
you weren't afraid and prayed the entire way to the light
you even told others what you saw
witnessing as you went out
only you, that was your style, always thinking of all but yourself
you only wanted your children, grands, and greats to be okay
you gave us all what you had
your life lessons, your journey, your faith, your very being to the depths of your soul
its all still here Nanny, not to worry now,
just rest knowing we are fighting hard
for what you would have wanted us to be
we are now your legacy
and won't be letting you down
we know you will be full of questions
when we meet again
i can hear you now as you ask me...
"how did we discipline our kids?, why did we choose this house?, how did you stop caring?, what did you give away?, why did you choose this over that?, how did you learn to fix that?, did you finally learn to iron just the way I did?, how did you decide to send your child there?, why did you choose this friend?, why did you want this item?, is it for the right reasons?, or is it for the things of this world?,
always remember these aren't the things that make you happy
just listen to your maker, he is the one
the only one that truly matters, it is why you and I are here, he just wants you to know him, never forget he is near
all that matters is letting him in, cofide, confess, talk to him, then you will be on his list,
this is all that matters, nothing else compares, i know you want me back, but I'm better in fact happier than i've ever been, no more pressure or heartache now, so stop worrying about what you would do to have me back, I'm happy as a peach sweet girl, you will have me back, just now it's your turn to take all the steps, if you choose the light and don't let life get in the way, just choose the life my sweet one and we will be together again, only next time it won't be for just a brief moment in time, but forever and ever, no one can take it away, it's God's promise, the answer, the fate of all believers, the happiest we've ever been. close your eyes and rest now, for know i'm near all that separates us is a little bit of time, but we both have the eternal gift.

i will see you again nanny
don't you worry now
sleep and rest til i get there
because when i see you again
i know how you are and you won't want to rest
you will talk with me for hours
sharing every detail of all your days
you will fill my heart with your wisdom over and over again
until then I'm going to make it, all because I know you are with Jesus and better than okay.

NOT HERE NOT NOW

2009-04-13T10:56:00.001-05:00

As the rain comes down so does my tearsI was not ready for all of this, not now, not hereI miss her so much and just want her near
Her smell, her hands, the sound of her voiceNothing inside me is the same She wasn’t ready, it wasn’t her choice
It still hurts so bad day in and day outHard to believe a year has come and gone I want to run, hide, scream, and shout
First shock, deep sadness, darkness, anger, and now thisDeep down I know she didn’t have to suffer but come on.Not even a goodbye, a smile, or small kiss

So many questions yet still to askShe was the one that got me, always had my back.I wonder if anyone can see me through this mask
My kids won’t know her, not even closeI could never be who she was, but I riseBecause she let me see the value in living each day to the most
My heart literally aches, the pain so deep inside I wake up with dreams that she is still hereThen as soon as I look into the mirror I just want to run and hide
From the pain, from the loss, from the world as it is nowI feel weary and ask myself..where do I go from here?My rest lies in him, his mercy and grace, is how
I was not ready for this, not here, not now
One year later u would think I could breathe But not a minute goes by that the loss isn’t thereI’m falling apart, just look at me!
I miss who I was with her hereTrying to sort through this mess of who I’ve becomeI give it all to my savior, for I know he is near

As a child she was the one that wiped away my tears as the pain went round and round. I just want my momma back, she’s in my heart, but when I focus on the things of this world, she is just too good for the ground.

I was not ready for this, not here, not now, How do I face tomorrow without her?
My Heavenly Father, keep me afloat as the rain pours down