Losing Weight, Finding Myself

A little lost

2013-10-19T20:22:00.001-07:00

I feel a little lost. In my weight loss and in my life. I feel like I'm drifting and can't seem to find my motivation or my focus. I just don't seem to have the drive I once had to exercise daily, count every calorie and attend my group. Am I giving up? I hope not. I need to get healthy for so many reasons. So why can't I seem to get and stay motivated?

Fat Jokes and Other Family Pressures

2013-08-25T15:28:00.001-07:00

Today we went to my in-laws for dinner. This is the first time they have seen me since I put back on the weight. I was there about 5 minutes before my father-in-law made a joke about my weight. My weight is ALWAYS the topic of conversation at their house. They are lovely and wonderful people, and I love them more than anything in the world, but I dread the fat jokes, comments and advice about my weight. And to add to it, my sister-in-law recently lost 40 pounds and I'm very happy for her, but it just highlights my weight issue with them even more. No one seems to remember that I'm the main bread winner for my family, work 50+ hours a week, and still have kids I'm raising at home. I would love to have the ability to focus solely on my weight, not work and private pay for a doctor to to help me lose weight like my sister-in-law did, but that is not my lot in life, and I'm just trying to do the best I can with the hand I've been dealt. Am I jealous? No, not really. I love my sister-in-law and want her to be healthy and happy. I'm happy for her and want only the best for her. But, I guess I don't understand how my family cannot see the difference in our lives and give me a little more understanding. It hurts. I'm not just a work horse. I'm a human being, who has put everyone before myself. I guess that's my fault, but I don't see how I really have a choice. If I don't work, we don't eat, it's not an option. If I don't take care of my children, they will suffer. There are only so many hours in the day. I do not have endless resources and time. How do I make myself a priority without letting other things slide?

Asking For Help

2013-08-24T21:43:00.001-07:00

Today I did three things to move forward in my journey to lose weight and get healthy. 1) I tracked my food intake via FitnessPal, 2) I skipped the bread and the sugar, and 3) I reached out to my old healthy eating support group and asked if I could come back. They welcomed me with open arms and gave me so much love and support I just wanted to cry. I missed the meeting for this week, but next Saturday we will be meeting and doing our weigh in and I will be turning in my food journal for this week. I'm excited! I know I need the accountability and support of the group and even though I'm embarrassed about putting weight back on, I know it's exactly what I need. I kept telling myself I would go back when I'd lost some weight, but that's like an alcoholic saying they will attend AA meetings when they quit drinking. I am a food addict and I need help. I use and abuse food. It's my drug of choice. I self medicate with food and for a time I feel better but then my problems are compounded because I haven't dealt with the original problems that caused me to overeat and now I have guilt and more pounds to add to my problems. I know this in my head, but it's not enough to know something, you have to do something about it. I have to find a better way to deal with stress. Some people exercise, some people pray, some people find a hobby. I guess so far I haven't found a stress reliever that works for me. Maybe I need to explore different outlets until I find what works. Kind of like your kid trying out different sports until they find the one they like. All I know is I can't keep turning to food. It's killing me. So, here's to my first week back in the plan!

Facing My Fears

2013-08-24T01:35:00.001-07:00

I got on the scale. I had to see where I was, how much ground I've lost and how much weight I've gained back. 37 pounds. I gained back 37 of the 70 I lost. At first I was super depressed about this, but then a little voice reminded me that hey, I was still 33 pounds lighter than when I started. I remember how excited I was when I lost 30 pounds, so shouldn't I still feel good about it now? Yes, yes I should. I guess it's the optimist in me. It's in my DNA to see the glass half full. So, I'm beginning again, but not from a place of utter defeat. I'm starting again from a good starting place, where I can jump start again off the hard work that lost those 30 pounds to begin with. What am I going to do to get myself on the path? What I know works. Journaling my food, Moving my body daily. Cutting out the bread and sugar. Going back to my group. Daily prayer and devotional time. Allowing time for myself. Making my health a priority. Take one day at a time. All of these small steps over time produce results. Time to take a deep breath and begin again.

Starting Again

2013-08-19T20:49:00.001-07:00

Well, here I am again. I can't believe it. I really thought I had a handle on my food issues, but I obviously I didn't. I lost 70 pounds and was well on my way to my goal of losing 100 pounds, so what happened? I was feeling so good! I felt healthy, strong, in control, alive! I just knew I would never slip back, yet I did. Why?

I kept the 70 pounds off for over a year. I had never done that before. I thought my ability to maintain my weight loss proved I had conquered my food addiction. But, then life happened. It's not an excuse, but it's the truth. I was in a job where I was verbally abused and harassed on a daily basis. But, the economy sucked and I needed the job. I worked long hours, and didn't get off work in time to go to my support group. Without accountability, I quit tracking. My daughter left home, I put on a huge wedding for her and then she left again, all the way across the United States. I quit my job and got a new and better one. Then, my 84 year old mother got the news: she had lymphoma and would need round the clock care as she endured chemo. It was during this time, I just lost it. I couldn't seem to focus on my weight, my food journal, exercise or anything. It was like I was just focused on bringing her through her ordeal and that was all that mattered. I didn't matter. So here I am. Scared to even step on the scale for fear of what it will say. I know I have to face it. I know you cannot change what you are unwilling to face. Why can't I face it?

I'm Not Perfect, But I've Still Lost 70 Pounds

2012-01-30T23:39:00.000-08:00

The past three weeks have been crazy. My new job is, at times, overwhelming and draining. I'm working 10-12 hours every day. I feel my life getting out of balance, but I'm trying to get things back under control. I have been HORRIBLE about tracking and writing things down, but I've been working through lunch most days and if anything, on most days, I'm eating much less than my allowable 1500 calories. My exercise routine has suffered, too. But, I've been running around all day at work, using the stairs instead of the elevator and I've managed to get in 45 minutes to an hour of running each week. I've missed my group for the past two weeks, too. Yet, somehow, despite all of my failings, I'm still managing to lose weight. I dropped 10 pounds in this last phase and today I jumped on the scale, and I'm down another 5 pounds. So, despite my crazy work schedule, I've officially lost 70 pounds as of today. I'm not doing everything perfectly, but I am still sticking to my allowable foods list, controlling my portions, moving more and getting some running in each week. And most of all, when I'm stressed out of my gourd (and believe me there have been many stressful days lately), I'm NOT turning to food to soothe my frayed nerves. This, more than anything, is what is helping me continue in the right direction. I'm consciously choosing to deal with my stress, my emotions and my life by allowing myself to feel and process my feelings instead of stuffing them down with food. I've cried. I've been pissed. I've spoken my mind. I've prayed. I've sang. I've exercised. I've taken a nap. I've done many different things to cope with the stress of my life, but I haven't stuffed my feelings or my stomach. Maybe I'm finally learning how to really feel and really live. Maybe if I give up the notion of being perfect and just strive to do my best to do what I know to do (eat less, move more, and feel my feelings) I'll continue losing... and I'll never be this weight again.

I RAN MY FIRST 5K!!!!

2012-01-09T10:02:00.000-08:00

I RAN MY FIRST 5K!!!! I DID IT!!! On New Year's Day I got up at 8:00 in the morning and got ready to drive 30 minutes to the location of the "Annual Hangover 5K". I was SO nervous. Actually, I was scared to death. What if I was last? What if people laughed at the chubby girl trying to run a 5K? What if I couldn't finish? What if, what if, what if???? I felt nauseated and I almost thought of calling it off. But, I had been training for months to get ready for this and I had run it on the treadmill, so I knew I could finish it. But, most importantly, I knew in my heart I would be so disappointed if I didn't do it. I've made so many excuses on my way to gaining 100 pounds, and I just didn't want to make one more excuse. I want to be a "finisher" and not a "quitter". So, I woke my husband and my 12 year-old daughter and told them we were going. My husband said, great, they'd get ready and then he said he wasn't sure how serious I was about this. I said "very serious" and he said, "Let's go!" I love that man.
On the way there, my nerves were really getting the best of me and my husband could tell I was really nervous, so he said he and my daughter would run it with me. He is one of those amazing people who stays in pretty good shape all the time and so he can just decide one morning to run a 5K. And, my daughter had been in cross country for years and can run like the wind, so I had no doubt they could join me with no problems. When we got there, we signed up and then WAITED. I saw many serious runners there, with special shoes and running gear and fancy gadgets to track their stats. I didn't care. I wasn't there to compete with anyone. I was there to compete against myself. I had something to prove, not to anyone else, but just to myself. There were some families running together and some older people running, too. I told my husband if the 80 year-old grandpa pushing his granddaughter in the running stroller beat me, I was just going to give up, but besides that, my only goal was really just to finish. I had told myself I would LOVE to finish in 45 minutes, but just finishing was the goal, and a 45 minute time, would be a bonus. My best time on the treadmill was 55 minutes, so 45 minutes was an aggressive goal for me.
We put ourselves at the back of the pack and when the horn went off, the first thing I noticed was that my lungs were burning! It was only 37 degrees and I wasn't used to the cold. I'd been training on the treadmill in my warm house, so the cold temperature really was a shock to my lungs. The next challenge I hadn't planned for were HILLS. Right at the start of the race was a long, steep hill. Wow, didn't see that coming! Many people walked/jogged up that hill, including me, but once at the top I started back into full run mode. After the fist mile, my lungs stopped burning and I got into a good stride. I was so thankful my family was with me. I was at the back of the pack and had I been alone, I might have felt so embarrassed I might have given up, but having them there with me, it felt okay to be at the back and we were running and having fun as a family. I'm so blessed to have such a loving and supportive family! The last mile there was another hill and my daughter had developed a blister, so my husband hung back with her so I could keep going. As I approached the last stretch, I saw the clock. I hadn't even been thinking about my time! I saw it said 46 minutes! I couldn't believe it! I thought with the cold air and the 2 killer hills, my time would be close to an hour, so imagine my surprise when I saw 46 minutes on the clock! I stepped up my pace and with complete strangers cheering me on, crossed the finished line at 47:21. I was elated! As I grabbed some water and started walking to my car, I started to cry. I'd come so far. Just a few months ago I couldn't walk 3 minutes let alone run 3 miles. I'd lost 60 pounds and ran my first 5K at 42 years old. I was so thankful. I was thankful for the unbelievable support of my husband and kids. I was thankful for the encouragement of my family and friends. I was thankful for the support of my Prism group friends. I was thankful God had given me the strength to stick to my plan, even when I felt like giving up. I was thankful that finally at 42 years old, I'd learned to love myself enough to stop killing myself with food and start living life.
I'm so thankful I will never be this weight again!

I Did It!!!!

2011-12-28T06:54:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas! I finally did get out of my funk. In fact, on my worst-funky day, I pounded out my frustration on the treadmill and actually had my best run ever. Finally, after months of working the Couch to 5K Running Program, I actually ran 3.1 miles (5K)!!!!! It felt so awesome as I could feel how far I've come in just the past few months. Six months ago I would get winded walking up a flight of stairs. I couldn't walk 3 minutes without feeling like I was going to pass out, let alone 3 miles.

I wanted to cry with joy.
I even kept my stats up on the treadmill and showed them to my husband.
I felt proud of myself.
I felt hopeful I could see this through all the way to my goal weight and beyond.
I felt empowered.
I felt healthy.
I felt I had made a a change for life.

I realized the true reward of setting a goal can only be realized after working hard and actually achieving it. For so many years I had a goal to lose weight, and I wanted all the good things that came with realizing that goal, but I was unwilling to do the in-between part, the hard work.

I had a dream last night that I gained all the weight back. In my dream I was devastated. I want to hold on to the good feelings I felt after that run. I want to tattoo them onto my mind, body and soul, so I never forget how wonderful I felt in that moment when I reached 3.1 miles. And I want to equally remember the pain of being fat and the devastating feeling that will come if I ever gain it all back.

I'm going to keep those memories alive and if I do, and I keep doing the hard work, I know I will never be this weight again.

An Island Of Calm In A Sea Of Dysfunction

2011-12-19T13:05:00.000-08:00

I'm not doing well. My job is a chaotic nightmare of dysfunction and if you knew me, you would know I really can't stand working in dysfunction. I had enough of that growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father, who after years of physical and emotional abuse, blessed my mother and all of us six children by abandoning us. Merry Christmas.

I'm trying to get into the holiday spirit, I really am, but I'm just not feeling it this year. Our tree was up and the house completely decorated the day after Thanksgiving. I was doing awesome with my eating, tracking and exercise and then I had to take this god-forsaken job and now I'm fighting to keep my head above water both with my diet and exercise plans as well as my emotional health. I know I should be thankful I have a good paying job, especially in this economy when so many people are out of work, but it's an emotionally draining job, trying to help vulnerable people in need. Add to that, co-workers who are immature and not qualified and a company that cares more about the bottom line than the people they are supposed to be helping and you have a recipe for not only disaster, but my current funk.

I have to snap out of this. I have to find a way to make myself an island of calm in a sea of dysfunction. I know how to do that. I've been doing it my entire life. I guess I'm just really tired of having to do that. Sometimes I don't feel like being the professional one, the strong one, the organized one, the nice one, the reliable one, the calm one. I know I should be grateful for my blessings and I am. I thank the Lord everyday for the mountain of blessings he has heaped upon me that I don't deserve. I know I should be grateful I wasn't born in Africa, Nicaragua or any other horrible place where life is really hard. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. I know I am. I know it's wrong, but it's just how I feel. I need to snap out of this, but I just don't know if I have the strength to. I want to tell people to "Grow up!". I don't want to do other people's jobs because they are too lazy or stupid or both to do them. I don't want to smile when I really just want to scream or cry. I don't want to go to work every day and put up with other people's b.s. just because I need a paycheck. I want to stay home and be a wife and mother and cook yummy food for my family and make my home cozy and count and track my food perfectly and exercise when I want and have time to write and knit and read a good book.

I have to find a way out of this. I don't want to go backwards. I have to find a way to make this all work because I never want to be this weight again.

Major Victories and Another Milestone

2011-12-12T17:14:00.000-08:00

As you may ( or may not know) from previous posts, I started a new job right before Thanksgiving and let's just say, it's been intense. I'm back in the corporate world with a ton of responsibility, goals and quotas to meet, and the on boarding process has been overwhelming at times. I was very worried when I started this job I would slip back into my old habits and God Forbid, gain back even one ounce of the weight I have worked so hard to lose. But, I stepped on the scale this morning and I'm happy to report I'm still losing (drum roll, please)....

60 POUNDS GONE FOREVER!!!!!

I'm so happy I want to cry. I haven't lost a ton of weight since my last weigh-in, but I am losing instead of staying the same or gaining and to me, that is a major victory.

There were some key moments in the last three weeks that I stopped and consciously made the decision to stick to my plan. I truly believe had I let myself slip in those moments I would be writing a much different post right now. For example.....

When my boss, who I wanted to impress offered to buy me a cinnamon roll because she wanted one too and I had the guts to say, "No thank you, I don't eat sugar." Victory!

When I was at my training and orientation and they were serving pasta and in front of all of my new colleagues I skipped the noodles and ate just the sauce and the salad. A couple of people stared, but I didn't care. Victory!

When I was tired from 14 hours of in a training seminar, alone in a hotel room, missing my family desperately and chose to walk on the treadmill for 45 minutes in the hotel gym instead of eating the chocolate bar they gave me in my welcome bag. Victory!

Sometimes for me, it's not just one day at a time, but one moment, one decision at a time. Thank God I've decided this time. Nothing is more important than my health. Thank God I'm learning to love myself enough to make better choices.

Thank God I'll never be this weight again! Victory!

Postive Thinking, Gandhi and a Thanksgiving Loss

2011-11-29T02:19:00.000-08:00

“Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”-- Mahatma Gandhi

Wow! This last week has been a whirlwind. I started a new job last Monday and on Thursday I cooked up a storm for Thanksgiving and then my mom came to stay this week for a visit. It's been hectic and wonderful and stressful all at the same time. I guess just life as usual. On the healthy eating and exercise front, despite the holiday and the stress of starting a new job, I actually got in a couple of good workouts and LOST 2 POUNDS. I stayed on plan perfectly on Thanksgiving and didn't even feel tempted by all the goodies we had in the house. We had three pies, cinnamon rolls, danishes and cookies in the house and I didn't even feel tempted once. There was a time I would have HAD to have some of each and would have OBSESSED about them, knowing they were right out in the kitchen calling my name. This year I didn't even really notice them and I didn't take even a nibble. This change is amazing even to me. What makes this year different from all the other years I dove head first into the holiday season, eating every sugary thing I could get my hands on? I can't explain it other than this time I've DECIDED to make a change. Like the quote from Gandhi says, I'm keeping my thoughts, behaviors and habits positive. I've made up my mind this time and that has made all the difference.

Last week, I was very fearful that I would fall off my program when I returned to work, but I didn't. I still tracked my calories, ate on plan and got a couple of workouts in. There's a salad bar at my work and so I'm able to eat a very healthy lunch each day, which helps. (I stay away from all the junk in the salad bar and stick to the veggies). So far, so good. In the past, my job was always at the top of my priority list and I was always striving to be the best, even if it meant running my health into the ground. Now, I'm striving to do the best I can, but I'm no longer willing to sacrifice my health and my life for corporate success. I'm striving for balance in all areas of my life. It's interesting, I'm actually enjoying my work more now, and I'm actually able to balance the multiple responsibilities in my life better now that I'm not a workaholic. I guess I'm starting to learn how to put myself at the top if my own priority list and I'm learning to love myself enough to not sacrifice my life and health for any job, any person, any relationship...anymore.

My goals right now are to continue to work my plan: eating 1300-1500 calories a day, no sugar, no white flour products, no junk food, 8 glasses of water per day and doing my Couch to 5K running program 3 days per week. I'm determined no matter how life may tug or pull at me, I'm going to continue to love myself enough to take care of myself. I know if I continue to stay positive and put my health at the top of my own list, I'll never be this weight again.

Phase 3 Weigh In and Other Life Changing News

2011-11-18T11:59:00.000-08:00

I had my Phase 3 weigh-in on Monday and (drum roll please).... I lost another 14 pounds, bringing my grand total to 55 POUNDS! Whoo Hoo! I'm super excited at my progress and really pleased because I actually lost one pound more than my Phase 2 weigh-in!. I think my current exercise plan is staving off the dreaded plateau most people experience around this point.

Currently, I've FINALLY moved past week 2 of the Couch to 5K running program and into Week 3. If I stay on track I will finish the program a week before my first scheduled 5K, which will be the Annual Hangover 5K on January 1st, 2012. What a great way to kick off the new year! I only hope I'll be ready. I can see my progress in my running. I can now run 28 minutes straight, so I'm making progress. A few months ago and 55 pounds heavier, I don't think I could have walked that far on the treadmill without feeling like I was going to die. So, for many people that may not seem like much, but for me, it's another milestone and victory.

In my personal life, things are changing rapidly. My husband is starting graduate school to get his Master's in Teaching and his teaching license. It will take about a year to complete. This means I had to move away from being self-employed and get a salaried position that could pay all the bills. Well, I'm very happy and blessed to say I was offered a very good position and it looks like I'll be back to work full time in Corporate America starting next week.

But, I'm afraid. Being self-employed I was able to exercise and control my eating because I was in control of my schedule and surroundings for the most part. Now, I'm going to have a pretty stressful position and a hectic schedule and I really hope I can continue my weight loss journey the way I have been. I'm very determined not to let this new challenge side-track or de-rail me in any way. I think planning will be key and I've already made a list of foods to have on hand at work so I don't get caught starving with nothing good to eat. Also, the company has a gym and I may try to do my exercise during my lunch hour, in order to relieve stress and keep up on my training.

I'm looking forward to the holidays but don't think I'm going to bake much this year. It's just still too tempting to have sweet treats in the house. I'm looking for healthy, alternative recipes to some of my family's favorite treats and I'll post them here when I find them!

55 pounds gone FOREVER. I'm now in a (loose) size 18 from a 22/24. No matter what challenges I'm facing, I know with the Lord's help I can still reach my weight loss goals. I'll never be this weight again!

Goodbye Size 22! I'm Not Going To Miss You!

2011-11-08T23:49:00.000-08:00

Today I did something I've never done. I threw away my fat clothes. Well, let me re-phrase that. I threw away my really big, fat clothes. I'm still fat, but not as fat as I was. I was wearing a size 22-24 (horror!) and now I'm in a size 18.

I went through my closet today and tried on pretty much everything in it to see what fit and what didn't. My closet is a visual reminder of my battle with food addiction. I have complete wardrobes from sizes 14 to 24. Since my job is a "professional" one, which requires me to dress up everyday, complete with heels, etc., I have beautiful clothes in each size depending on where I was mentally and emotionally and obviously physically, in my battle with food. So, today I put on clothes I literally haven't been able to wear in years, and I had the most wonderful feelings. It was like Christmas! I tried on one of my most favorite, darling pleated skirts that I haven't been able to wear since I can't remember, and it was like reuniting with an old friend. I can't even tell you how many times I did my happy dance today in my underwear as I changed from one out fit to the next!

Finally, when I had separated out all the too big outfits I put them back in the closet in their "section" all grouped together. I realized I needed more hangers to get everything organized properly. Then a thought came to my mind and heart. I didn't need more hangers, I just needed to get rid of all of the size 22/24 clothes hanging in my closet. Why was I keeping them? The ONLY reason I would be keeping them is in case I would ever need them again. If I am never going back to that weight, if I've made a change for life. why in the world did I need to keep those size 22/24 clothes at all?
I didn't.
So, I took them all out of my closet and put them in a garbage bag.
I threw them away. All of them. Every skirt, blouse, dress, pant and jacket. Gone. Forever.
Good bye size 22/24! I'm not going to miss you!
Thank God I'm not going back. Thank God I will never, ever be a size 22/24!!!
Thank God I will never be this weight again!

P.S. I decided to donate the clothes to charity instead of throwing them out. But they are gone none the less! :-)

FAQ's

2011-11-02T21:10:00.000-07:00

This post is inspired by Mama Kat's Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop. Thanks for the inspiration Mama Kat!

FAQ's- Frequently Asked Questions (about my weight loss, diet and exercise program):

1) How much weight have you lost and when did you start your weight loss journey?

To date, I have lost 53 pounds. I started my weight loss journey officially on July 12, 2011, when I'd finally decided I was sick and tired of being fat and unhealthy and walked into a Prism Weight Loss Support group. I truly believe I have made a life change and will never be this weight again.

2) How much weight do you want to lose?

My initial goal was to lose 100 pounds. When I get there, if I feel like I want/need to, I'll keep going. When I hit 100 pounds lost, I may try for another 50, but right now, I'm focused on losing the next 47 pounds.

3) What do you eat on the Prism program?

I can eat fresh fruits and veggies, meat, eggs, dairy products, grains and legumes. The program doesn't allow sugar, junk foods, cookies, candy, cake, chips or fried foods. Basically, it weans you off all the junk and helps you to make healthier food choices.

4) How many calories do you eat each day?

1300-1500 per day and I track every bite I take and every calorie consumed in a food journal, which I turn in to my Group Leader for accountability. The tracking and accountability have been KEY for me.

5) What about exercise?

Initially the program doesn't force you into a strict exercise routine. But, as you go along and get more accustomed to the program, daily exercise, drinking 8 glasses of water each day and proper rest are all important parts of the program. I am currently training for my first 5K race, so I'm following the Couch to 5K running program. I walk/jog on the treadmill at least 3 days a week.

6) Have you always had a weight problem?

No. I was a skinny child and an athlete in high school. I was a lifeguard in college and spent most of my early 20's in a bathing suit for work. I only started gaining weight when I got my first "professional" job after graduating from college.

7) How in the world did you gain 100 pounds?

I chose to eat my feelings and stress, instead of coping with it. I'm a food addict and an emotional eater. I'm finally figuring out how to be honest about my feelings instead of stuffing my face. As we say in the Prism program, like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly, I am transforming into the True Me.

8) What is your favorite food right now?

Scrambled eggs and salsa wrapped in a corn tortilla. Delish!

Halloween Didn't Scare Me

2011-11-02T02:17:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my life, I didn't eat ANY candy on Halloween. Not one mini Snickers, not one mini package of Malt Balls, not even one little, teeny, tiny Tootsie roll.

Zip.
Nada.
Zilch.
Zero.

I went to my daughter's Harvest Party at school where I was literally surrounded by candy and cupcakes and guess what...

I didn't even want any.

I didn't lament over my lack of sweets and sugary treats. I didn't fuss for a cupcake. I didn't pine for just a little taste of Halloween yummy-ness. Nope. I wasn't even the slightest bit tempted.

I didn't even want any.

I guess I really have decided this time. I guess I really have finally made up my mind to make a permanent life change. I'm really doing this. I'm finally in control.

No matter what holiday temptations I may face, this proved to me I can handle it.

I'm finally in control. Finally!

I'll never be this weight again.

Back To Basics

2011-10-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

I have been terrible about food journaling the past week. I've gotten very lazy about it and I know I have to stop. I know tracking my food and calorie intake has been key to my weight loss. I guess I've convinced myself I'm kinda tracking it in my head. But, I know that doesn't really work.

I'm recommitting myself today, right now, to get back on track with my food journaling.

I know food journaling is part of the Prism program and I know how important it is to my new healthy choices and my weight loss. Am I just trying to sabotage myself? Why would I do such a thing? I think when I'm really honest, it's because I know I can fudge a little and have a few extra calories if I'm not tracking each bite. I know all those extra calories add up and will slow my weight loss.

Why can't I seem to keep in mind that when I overeat, I'm just cheating myself?

Also, I've missed the last two meetings due to illness and I know accountability is key. I need to get back on track and recommit to ALL the principles of my plan, not just the ones I feel like doing. I love my Prism support group! They are wonderful women, who encourage me so much every time I am there. I need to get back to my group, and back on plan 100%.

I need to get back to basics TODAY. This MINUTE.

I'm back on track from this moment on. I'll never be this weight again!

22 Things I've Done

2011-10-27T09:06:00.000-07:00

This post is inspired by Mama Kat's Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop. Thanks for the inspiration Mama Kat!

I'm 42 years old.

I have:

1) Been to Loch Ness and searched for Nessie (but didn't find her).

2) Flown across the country to meet and stay with a women I met on the internet. My family was convinced she was a serial killer. She wasn't. She was a Presbyterian minister, in fact, and a lovely person.

3) Lived in Seattle and commuted to my stressful job in a high-rise building in downtown (hated it).

4) Lived on a farm and raised cows and grew my own organic vegetables (loved it).

5) Won a Kodak camera in the 3rd grade for winning the school spelling bee. Smart chicks rule!

6) Lost in a beauty contest in the 6th grade (should have reminded myself of #5, but didn't and felt terrible).

7) Had a visit with my deceased grandmother's spirit in the middle of the night. It was beautiful and not at all scary.

8) Helped my grieving friend by unwrapping the Islamic covering from her deceased husband's head so she could see his face and say goodbye. I still have no idea where I got the strength to do it, but I did.

9) Almost had both of my daughters die; one from severe illness and one from being premature. Thank the Lord, they are both alive and thriving and are the joy of my life!

10) Jumped off a 50 ft. cliff into a raging river (don't tell my mother).

11) Graduated with honors from college while married and with a small child. I'm still tired from that experience!

12) Canned my own pickles and dilly beans.

13) Visited Mayan ruins in the Yucatan Peninsula.

14) Attended a world-wide gathering of my family's Scottish Clan in Scotland. Our clan still has an estate and Castle in the Highlands of Scotland! Can you imagine?

15) Chopped down my own Christmas tree.

16) Owned a drive-thru espresso stand.

17) Experienced the eruption of Mt. St. Helen's personally, as it is located near my childhood home.

18) Worked as a cherry sorter, waitress, tree-planter, lifeguard, swim instructor, day care operator, small business owner, and realtor, just to name a few. If I ever served you as a waitress, I apologize now! I only took the job because I was 16 and had a crush on one of the cooks!

19) Survived 7 surgeries.

20) Snorkeled with my husband in a blue lagoon in the middle of a jungle.

21) Been bitten by a poisonous Brown Recluse spider. I hate spiders to this day.

22) Lived in the State of Washington my whole life.

It's Different This Time

2011-10-26T09:46:00.000-07:00

Jen over at Watch My Butt Shrinking http://watchmybuttshrinking.com/ wrote a thought provoking post today about setting "due dates" and "deadlines" for losing weight, and how that has derailed her efforts in the past because if she didn't lose a certain amount of weight (like 20 pounds by Christmas), she would feel like a failure. She asked how we felt about setting weight loss "due dates" and "deadlines". Here was my response:

"No “due dates” or “deadlines” for me this time. I’m in it for the long haul. I’m in it for life. I’ve come to realize this can’t be a diet for me anymore, something I start and then stop once I reach my goal weight. It has to be for the rest of my life. Even once I reach my goal weight, I’ll need to keep up the changes I’ve made, and continue my healthy eating and portion control and exercise routine. This time, I’ve decided this is my new life now."

This shows how my thinking has changed this time around. I'm looking at the whole weight loss thing differently now. Many people like the phrase 'Losing weight isn't a sprint, it's a marathon." I've even used this phrase myself, but lately, I'm thinking even that is not quite right. A marathon, though longer and requiring more endurance than a sprint, still has an end. This journey I'm on to lose weight, get healthy, incorporate exercise into my life and maintain my weight loss, has no end.

I guess that why I gravitate toward calling this my journey, because life is a journey and all these healthy changes I'm making aren't just a temporary fix to get into a pair of skinny jeans. Once I get to my goal weight, I'm not going to stop. I'm going to keep tracking my food intake. I'm going to make healthy food choices and monitor my portions. I'm going to continue to make exercise part of my daily life. If I have a bad day, I'm not going to throw up my hands and give up.

I'm going to keep going.

This is my new life.

I'll never be this weight again!

A New Day, A New Perspective

2011-10-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

I woke this morning with a new perspective. The past few days have been dark. But, when I woke up this morning, I felt better. I'm still scared about the changes ahead for our family, but I'm choosing to trust God that He has me in His hands and He loves us, and He will give me the strength to do whatever I need to do.

As I watched my husband with our girls this morning, the way he loves them and the way they adore him, I was reminded my husband is truly a good man. He may have been a little lost himself, working in positions that weren't a good fit for him, but he has tried to find his place. He was meant to be a teacher and everyone who knows him, knows that he should be one. He is amazing with kids. He has taught our children with a natural ease that true teachers possess. But, he never wanted to burden our family with going back to school. So, he kept trying to find his place in other jobs, with little success. Teaching is his calling and at nearly 50 years old, he feels if he doesn't do this now, he'll miss his calling for the rest of his life. That would be a loss, not only for all the kids that he could help and positively affect, but how awful would it be to know you were meant to do something and then never be able to do it?

When I married my husband, I vowed to stay with him in sickness and in health, in richer and in poorer. I vowed to be in it for the long haul. I vowed to be in it for the tough times. I vowed to be in it for the times when I don't feel like being in it. I vowed to be in it forever. Through 20 years we have survived many challenges together. He is a good man that has tried to be something he is not, for the sake of not burdening our family. Can't I support him as he reaches for his true calling and way to better support our family? Yes, a million times yes.

My husband is a good man. He has saved me in more ways than I can explain. He is gentle and kind. He is generous. He is supportive of me in every way. He loves me for who I am. He is an incredible father. He makes me laugh... everyday. He has been my soul mate and best friend for over 20 years. He's not perfect, but then neither am I. No one is. But, he loves us and is trying his best.

I can't ask for more than that.

"Love is the effort and desire to make someone else everything they were created to be."

Not Burying My Face In A Pan Of Brownies Is Real Progress!

2011-10-24T00:54:00.000-07:00

I'm an "emotional eater" as many overweight people are. Instead of working through the stresses life inevitably brings to each one of us, I run to food to soothe and comfort my frayed nerves and take the edge off any negative feelings. For me, the key to losing the weight and then keeping it off, is identifying my emotional "triggers". This week was a great example of this. The first part of the week, I was tracking every bit, every morsel, every calorie I was consuming in my food journal. I was feeling really good about my progress and then suddenly (it seemed) I fell off tracking all together. I still ate according to plan, but I didn't track my calories for the last part of the week. Why the inconsistency this week? Well, looking back over my week, I can identify some major emotional triggers that could be the reason for my veer off course:

Here's a sample of some of my emotional triggers this week:

1) I got sick with a terrible bronchitis.

2) I had to reschedule a job interview because I was so sick I could not stop coughing and I was running a fever and I didn't think it was fair to expose anyone to my illness.

3) I was called in for a second job interview for a different job and was told it could not be rescheduled, so I had to do a two hour interview while sicker than a dog.

4) My husband was diagnosed with skin cancer. This is his second bout with it and they performed a biopsy this week. They think it's basal cell carcinoma, not melanoma, THANK GOD, but it's stressful and scary waiting for the lab results to come back in. Also, he was in quite a bit of pain from the biopsy.

5) My mother and my mother-in-law came for a visit at the end of the week to attend Grandparents Day at my daughter's school. I love them, but even the best company can be draining when you're recuperating from illness.

6) A client of mine made a mistake and I may not receive a paycheck for the months of work I did for her.

7) My husband decided to quit his his job and return to college full time to get his Master's in teaching. He's now looking for part time work that can fit into his new class schedule. This will have a MAJOR impact on our finances, as you can imagine, and while I support him, I am beyond scared.

I'm sure there were other stresses, but these are the main ones that come to mind. It's amazing what one week can bring! So, I guess when I look at this list, I understand why the careful tracking went out the window. In an effort to be more kind to myself (I'm my own worst critic), I'd say the fact I didn't bury myself in a pan of brownies this week is REAL PROGRESS.

I'll take it.

Thank God, no matter what stresses and emotional triggers I may encounter, I'll never be this weight again!

Lessons I Learned From My Brother

2011-10-19T11:08:00.000-07:00

My brother is a meth addict. Even as I type those words, a part of me is still startled by this sad fact. It took our family, especially our mother, years to even acknowledge he had a drug "problem". Finally, when the wreckage and carnage of his life was impossible to ignore, my mother finally had to admit he had a problem with drugs.

We tried a family intervention with the help of a licensed counselor/clergy person. It was like a scene from the t.v. show "Intervention", in that we surprised him with the intervention, but it was in my mother's home and not at a hotel and we had didn't have an experienced interventionist. It didn't go too well. My brother responded like most addicts do, with anger. He has always tried to control us and our mom with anger because, frankly, we all hate conflict and suffer from PTSD from years of our abusive father using anger and violence to control us. I guess you could say my brother found what worked for him and stuck to it. He exploded, refused to go to treatment and lashed out at all of us. But, he knew who the weakest link was, our mom, and he really went after her. She was so afraid of losing her relationship with him (typical co-dependent behavior), that she caved almost instantly. Since she was the one giving him a place to live, money to buy drugs and enabling him in every way to be, and remain, a drug addict, without her standing strong and united with the rest of us, the intervention crumbled like a house of cards.

My brother knew in that moment, she would never deny him, and he walked out the door, assured this was just a minor bump in the road, and nothing had changed. He knew he could continue to use and our mom would be there to help him do it. Watching them do their addict-co-dependent dance was surreal. You don't often get to see dysfunction played out in such real detail right in front of you. It was textbook. It was one of the saddest things I had ever seen. I knew in that moment, nothing was ever going to change because my mother was unable or unwilling (or both) to allow my brother to hit bottom. I knew in that moment, my brother would never get clean and sober because my mother wouldn't let him. I knew my brother would die from drugs.

It was one of the saddest days of my life.

I used to judge my brother. I just couldn't understand why he couldn't just stay away from the drugs? Couldn't he see what the drugs were doing to his body, his health, his life? At one time my brother was my hero. He was charismatic and funny and when he walked into the room, you just knew your day was going to get better. He was the life of the party and people just wanted to be around him. He was a hard worker, with a great reputation in the construction industry. He showed up to work early, stayed late and took pride in his work. He never had to look for work, as his good reputation proceeded him and every foreman wanted him on his team. He could work circle around guys 10 years younger than him. He always had money, paid his bills on time, had a new car every couple of years and had a beautiful home.

In the early years of his addiction he was using cocaine. He was still able to function and many people didn't think he was an addict. After many years of being a "highly functional" cocaine user, he was introduced to meth. He told me he was hooked from the very first time he used it. He told me it was a high he had never experienced before and it was so intense, all he could think about was doing it again. He told me from that day forward, he spent 23 hours of every 24 hour day, figuring out how to get more meth. It was at this point his life became completely out of control. He couldn't hold down a job, so he couldn't pay his bills. He lost his home, his wife and his son. He lost his car and was flat broke.

At first, he was still able to get work because of his excellent reputation. But, he would show up just long enough to get some money in his pocket and then he would go missing for days and sometimes weeks, on a meth binge. We called it M.I.A., Missing In Action. My mother would be frantic, calling his cell phone, driving around looking for him, checking hospitals, etc. Of course he got fired for not showing up, but he didn't care. He'd just get another job with another company that knew the "old him", the one who was a hard worker and showed up to work and did a great job.

They didn't know that person was gone.

He would show up and work just long enough to get money for meth and then take off again, and the cycle continued. Because of his stellar reputation, this went on for several years before he had burned every bridge and no one would hire him. He had a new reputation now. He was the sad, pathetic User who used to be a good worker and person before he got into drugs. Now he was homeless, sleeping here and there, sometimes with a family member who felt sorry for him, or in a meth house in filthy, frightening conditions with other meth addicts.

He has lost everything. That is what his addiction has done for him.

I just try to understand.

Here are the 12 Steps from Over Eaters Anonymous. They are taken from the 12 Steps from Alcoholics Anonymous. Like an alcoholic who is looking for help and finds strength from "working" the 12 steps from AA, I think those of us who struggle with food addiction can find that same kind source of wisdom and strength from these OA steps.

THE OA TWELVE STEPS (taken from the OA website)

"The Twelve Steps are the heart of the OA recovery program. They offer a new way of life that enables the compulsive eater to live without the need for excess food.
The ideas expressed in the Twelve Steps, which originated in Alcoholics Anonymous, reflect practical experience and application of spiritual insights recorded by thinkers throughout the ages. Their greatest importance lies in the fact that they work! They enable compulsive eaters and millions of other Twelve-Steppers to lead happy, productive lives. They represent the foundation upon which OA is built."

The Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous

We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Thank God I'm learning about addiction and understanding it more.
Thank God there is support for addicts who want help.
Thank God I'll never be this weight again.

Things I've Never Done

2011-10-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

I was inspired by Mama Kat's Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop for this post.

Thanks Mama Kat! http://www.mamakatslosinit.com

I'm 42 years old.

And I've never:

1) Pierced my nose or belly button.

2) Been to Paris.

3) Cheated on my husband.

4) Jumped out a perfectly good airplane for fun.

5) Swam with sharks.

6) Eaten cow tongue.

7) Asked for a famous person's autograph.

8) Been on vacation with my father.

9) Spent more than $100.00 on a pair of shoes.

10) Had plastic surgery.

11) Dated anyone from work.

12) Learned to play cribbage.

13) Vacationed in Hawaii.

14) Owned an I-Pod.

15) Attended a Bar mitzvah.

16) Watched a play on Broadway.

17) Surfed in the ocean.

18) Run a marathon.

19) Been in a movie.

20) Flown in a blimp.

21) Written a book.

Feeling My Feelings

2011-10-14T22:44:00.000-07:00

I'm down in the dumps. I'm finally feeling my feelings instead of stuffing my face.

Let me tell you, it's hard.

I'm sitting here crying over so many hurts I have never allowed myself to feel. All the horrible, painful hurts I thought I had eaten away forever, but I now discover were just stuffed deep down inside.

I never dealt with them. I just tried to ignore them and eat them away.

I feel them now. I'm sad and scared and really, really angry.

I don't want to feel these feelings, but I know I have to if I want to change. I have to feel them if I want to lose this weight. I have to feel these feelings if I want to live.

I want to change. I want to lose the weight. I want to live.

I need to feel these feelings. It's okay to feel sad and scared and angry when sad and scary and painful things have happened to you. This is normal. This is right. This is the truth of life, the truth of my life.

I can survive this. They are feelings, that's all. Feelings can't kill me. Sure I may feel lousy today, but I can get through this. I'm strong enough. I know I am.

I'm not going to eat these feelings away. I'm going to allow myself to feel the full range of emotions that make up my life. I'm strong enough. I know I am.

Thank God for the strength to feel my feelings.

Thank God I'll never be this weight again.

Forget Mike, I Want To Be Like Tonk

2011-10-12T00:43:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was watching David Letterman and he interviewed Erin Bolster who is a professional horse wrangler and she told an amazing story about how she and her horse Tonk saved a young boy from a 750 pound grizzly bear. The story is absolutely amazing and Tonk is my new hero. Why is a horse my new hero? Because he faced his greatest fear and kept on charging.

We can learn a lot from Tonk. Sometimes life throws at us something so big, so out of our control, all we want to do is retreat like the other horses did and head back to camp, to what is familiar and safe. But, if we are to do something extraordinary, if we are to overcome, we must face our greatest fears, fight our instinct to run and charge forward.

I can't imagine how much that horse did not want to do what his Master was telling him to do. But, against all that he knew from all his past experiences, beyond what his natural instinct was telling him to do, beyond what every cell in his body screamed at him to do, he chose to trust his Master.

I'm afraid right now of so many things. Afraid to fail. Afraid I'll never make my goals. Afraid I will re-gain all the weight. Afraid the future will not be as bright as I always hope it will be. Sometimes I just want to retreat and run back to camp, where I know I'll be safe and I won't have to face something that just wants to eat me alive. But I need to be brave. I need to be courageous. I need to not listen to that instinct telling me to "Run!". I need to trust my Master. I need to risk it all to safe a life.

My life.

I want to be like Tonk.

7 Things I'm Loving in October

2011-10-11T11:40:00.000-07:00

1) Online fun via Twitter. Apparently, I have an attention span that last for 140 characters or less. (You can follow me at http://twitter.com/#!/findingkat).

2) Cooler weather, decorating my house for Fall, making homemade soup (okay, that's three in one).

3) The love and support I'm receiving from my friends and family regarding my quest to run a 5K on my 43rd birthday in January.

4) Organizing and helping my daughter plan her country barn wedding:

5) Being able to jog again. (Okay, only 5 minutes at a time, alternated with walking for 30 minutes, but hey, it's a start).

6) Eating more fresh veggies and fruits and learning new recipes. http://www.wholefoodmommies.com/

7) Researching and exploring the idea of starting a new business with a friend.