tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57395554539915102722009-12-17T05:01:13.916-05:00My blog can't stop laughing at your blog. Seriously, have you taken a look at yours at all lately?Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.comBlogger250125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-28094251598713135122009-07-02T00:17:00.004-04:002009-07-02T00:45:07.688-04:002009-07-02T00:45:07.688-04:00

So, I get this email tonight from a very lovely reader, Tara. Okay, fine, fine, I use the term "reader" loosely, as there's been nothing to fucking read on this sad, sad web diary in about 43 years now. But, uh, anyway, back to the story, jerkoff. She wrote to alert me to another blog that has apparently stolen my material, word for word.I'm pretty sure I should be mad or something. Pissed,

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15726200734144824115falwless@gmail.com35tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-72678837681250697102009-06-04T14:35:00.004-04:002009-06-04T14:44:15.936-04:002009-06-04T14:44:15.936-04:00

Just had to toot our girl's horn a little.Today's piece she wrote for Starpulse.com on Adam Lambert is the #1 search result in Google news when you search "Adam Lambert." Check it out!It was a fantastic article, I highly suggest you read it!Seriously, how freakin' cool!Or perhaps I'm easily impressed. Shut up.

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-43599380908022689602009-06-02T00:02:00.007-04:002009-06-02T02:54:42.269-04:002009-06-02T02:54:42.269-04:00

Hey goobersmacks! Say, do you guys remember my favoritest Jew in the whole wide worlds? No, no, you knucklehead, not that one. That guy is so 1st century A.D. Seriously. Someone totally needs to tell that guy to cut his flowy girl hair and ditch those hippie sandals.No, I mean this Jew. Yeah! Remember him? Deadly handsome? Ridiculously witty? Stingy as fuck?Although I may not have

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15726200734144824115falwless@gmail.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-4242612905725964472009-04-23T00:26:00.020-04:002009-04-23T01:42:23.566-04:002009-04-23T01:42:23.566-04:00

So I was in a work meeting this morning, and the handouts were fastened with a large paperclip. I mindlessly started bending the paper clip to straighten it into a long metal wand, and all of a sudden I had a flashback. I flashed back to the time I killed a vagrant with a sharpened paperclip shank.Just kidding, just kidding. But were you pretty scared for a second there? Seriously. Be honest

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15726200734144824115falwless@gmail.com40tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-80480320638607438292009-03-26T23:03:00.012-04:002009-03-27T01:53:09.337-04:002009-03-27T01:53:09.337-04:00

Hey you know what's totally awesome? I haven't written shit on this blog in, like, eight years or something and yet it's STILL lots better than your blog.Man. Seriously. How awesome is that. Don't even get me started on this little bitch's blog.P.S. Visit Fuck You, Penguin because if you don't the terrorists win. And also because it's funny and you will laugh and then thank me and I can be all

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15726200734144824115falwless@gmail.com34tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-34935052260369271962009-03-05T15:18:00.006-05:002009-03-05T15:23:41.513-05:002009-03-05T15:23:41.513-05:00

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com38tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-68364659168492459552009-01-20T16:58:00.002-05:002009-01-20T17:02:04.059-05:002009-01-20T17:02:04.059-05:00

Please, beware of ShamWow!™ imitators.

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com35tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-44590333216186838042009-01-15T00:45:00.003-05:002009-01-15T01:49:02.599-05:002009-01-15T01:49:02.599-05:00

Listen, I realize ladies shouldn't talk about their bathroom business, but I have a serious confession to make. I, Falwless, absolutely, unequivocably, positively, unquestionably have to be reading something when I drop my precious kids off at the pool.It matters not what it is. I've been known on more than one occasion to read the back of a shampoo bottle. The label on a container of Soft

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com42tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-72356722572767604152008-12-31T00:38:00.006-05:002008-12-31T01:14:26.764-05:002008-12-31T01:14:26.764-05:00

As 2008 closes its books and 2009 is nigh upon us, I was sad to see that the underappreciated and oft overlooked blogger Pistols at Dawn only won several dozen ridiculous popularity contests held by various bloggers.Because it breaks my heart that he only walked away with a win in nearly every contest held, I hereby announce my winner of the very prestigious and never before mentioned Dopest High

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-44707732536227663752008-12-30T00:03:00.007-05:002008-12-30T00:27:19.283-05:002008-12-30T00:27:19.283-05:00

There was once a girl named FalwlessWho looked nothing like Lucy LawlessShe wrote a dumb blogAnd she hated to jogNow she spends all her time in CornwallisYeah, I dunno. That shit don't even make sense, yo. Just felt like droppin' some rhymes on your ass. Seriously though, what the hell rhymes with Falwless? How do you even pronounce Falwless? Someone please tell me this, because when I made

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15726200734144824115falwless@gmail.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-62312064485048320132008-12-14T23:39:00.005-05:002008-12-15T01:13:37.078-05:002008-12-15T01:13:37.078-05:00

Don't let the title of this TV show fool you - it's not The Hills. It's not Gossip Girl. And it couldn't be farther from High School Musical.If you are a fan of Ricky Gervais (The Office, Extras) or Christopher Guest (Spinal Tap, Best In Show, Waiting For Guffman) there's a new TV show that you just can't miss -- it's called Summer Heights High, and it's playing now on HBO (be sure to check out

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15726200734144824115falwless@gmail.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-18968642842814891342008-12-11T00:18:00.001-05:002008-12-11T02:34:34.930-05:002008-12-11T02:34:34.930-05:00

Whoa! What's this? Three posts in one week? I'd better slow the fuck down here...So, yes, it's another lame post showing off something I drew on the Facebooks with the Graffiti. But damn it, this latest masterpiece took me hours. Yes, I have no life. We've already covered that in many a previous post.I submitted this for a contest on the Facebooks held by Wacom (the company who makes cool

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com31tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-78578589143239961682008-12-10T16:01:00.000-05:002008-12-10T16:02:54.365-05:002008-12-10T16:02:54.365-05:00

At the risk of offending one or more of my four remaining readers (Hi Mom!) who most likely have terrible taste in all things decorating and may actually own and enjoy one or more of these, I must once and for all state my opinion on these shitty holiday lawn inflatables that are now everywhere you turn: they're fucking hideous.Seriously, people. Seriously. I mean, listen, I get it. You want

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com42tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-32632722943768435922008-12-08T14:07:00.009-05:002008-12-08T15:34:41.127-05:002008-12-08T15:34:41.127-05:00

Listen, there's a shit ton of reasons I haven't been around here lately, okay? I know this may come as a great shock and surprise to you xenophobic, ignorant people, but in this world today there are more important things than blogging with which to be concerned.The cholera outbreak in Zimbabwe, the terrorist attacks in Mumbai, the riots in Greece, the tainted milk scare in China, the eloping of

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-45600264437380254072008-11-24T00:44:00.003-05:002008-11-24T02:12:05.978-05:002008-11-24T02:12:05.978-05:00

So apparently I am on an art kick. CAN'T. STOP. DRAWING. And look! I drew an apple for you! Don't eat it, please. It belongs on here, not in your mouth. Go get your own apple.Also, I have off this week and next Monday. Family is in town for Thanksgiving, so I won't be around much. Instead I will be chasing my nieceling and nephling all over whilst trying to persuade them not to punch

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com97tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-9627703569010768442008-11-21T00:04:00.003-05:002008-11-21T00:52:05.376-05:002008-11-21T00:52:05.376-05:00

So, look, I fucking love me some Nick@Nite, right? I watch that junk every night when I go to bed. I set the sleep timer to 45 minutes or so, cuddle up with little Blue as he suckles on his blanket next to me and enjoy some shitty early 90s sitcoms as I drift into snoozeland.But I gotta tell you. I've had this goddamn Family Matters theme song stuck in my head for hours now. I don't know if it's

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com40tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-79896655113756349732008-11-20T00:41:00.001-05:002008-11-20T03:45:09.187-05:002008-11-20T03:45:09.187-05:00

Well, I think I'm getting a little better at least... still not perfection but you know what? Suck it. I did the best I could, okay?For you, Chris, by request. :)

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-48754384875905773852008-11-18T00:06:00.001-05:002008-11-18T02:41:23.997-05:002008-11-18T02:41:23.997-05:00

Many of you might not know that I am a world-renowned artist*. It's okay, I hadn't told you yet. I mean, listen, I have enough fan mail to dig through as it is.But one of my pieces will be auctioned off at Sotheby's in early December, and I wanted to let you know in case you wanted to save up. It will probably go for millions, but if you are the winning bidder just let them know that you know me

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com27tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-26916669846862251052008-11-17T00:09:00.004-05:002008-11-17T01:32:34.867-05:002008-11-17T01:32:34.867-05:00

To all of you worthless, godless heathens out there who didn't go to church this weekend you should be ashamed of yourselves, goddamn it. But, have no fear. I am here for you, bringing church right to your eyes and ears.Please find yourself a quiet space where you can turn up your volume and join in on this rousing rendition of "Amazing Grace." It may start out a little slow but, please, watch

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-18689060692111101502008-11-13T00:11:00.002-05:002008-11-13T02:11:01.714-05:002008-11-13T02:11:01.714-05:00

I've had a terrible case of writer's block lately. It's awful. And the ridiculous part of it is that during an average day I think of approximately 84 things to blog about. Then, invariably, I sit down to write a post to you numbskulls and three sentences in I'm staring blankly at the screen and those familiar tears of emptiness start trickling down my porcelain cheeks.Okay, okay, fine, that's

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com33tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-73478433058985925282008-11-09T17:23:00.011-05:002008-11-10T20:57:32.501-05:002008-11-10T20:57:32.501-05:00

[EDIT: H was lovely(?) enough to add a link in the comments to this downright disturbing piece of photography. Wow. If I had known as a child that this was the outcome of laying Ken on top of Barbie, I swear to god I never would have done it.]Burning questions:- Why does the mother look like a friggin' blow-up doll?- Why does she have two basketballs for boobs, each larger than her head?- Why

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com50tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-47362941673340116812008-11-07T11:05:00.005-05:002008-11-07T11:23:57.677-05:002008-11-07T11:23:57.677-05:00

So I'm sitting over here in just... well.. amazement.Did you know Obama has a new official government website for his transitional time as President-elect? It's at change.gov.So I'm just paging through the site and up comes a little pop-up box:Clicking on it brings you to this page, a standard-looking web form, where you can express your thoughts on any issue ranging from education to technology

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-91339357655376930572008-11-07T00:02:00.009-05:002008-11-07T00:38:01.661-05:002008-11-07T00:38:01.661-05:00

Because I'm pretty sure Bill Maher doesn't read my blog on Fridays, I am going to blatantly steal his "New Rules" bit. Let's do this thing.New Rule: The endless memes and awards circling our incestuous innernets weblog network need to just fucking end already. Jesus Christ. With all due respect*, I don't give a flying fuck what kind of furniture you sit on to watch your Regis & Kelly, nor am I

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com33tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-42787096913397039182008-11-06T00:05:00.011-05:002008-11-06T03:58:14.805-05:002008-11-06T03:58:14.805-05:00

Hey, I have an idea! Let's make fun of some shitty Craigslist ads, shall we? C'mon! You know you love it when I don my judgmental bitch hat, don't even front. So whaddya say? You ready for the goodness? Buckle up, monkey knuckles.(clicky the ads for biggernicityness)All right, we start out with a mild annoyance. I mean, listen, we all love animals. But there's a damn good reason animals can't

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com28tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5739555453991510272.post-72927937952727639002008-11-05T01:33:00.005-05:002008-11-05T02:17:11.807-05:002008-11-05T02:17:11.807-05:00

So I celebrated the election results tonight with friends and I was so motherfucking proud, for the very first time, to see MY state, Carolina of the North (also known as "The Awesome Carolina") too close to even call in the presidential race. Even now as I type this so late in the evening, CNN won't choose a color for us.But fuck it, I'm calling it. CNN - listen up!NORTH CAROLINA ISOFFICIALLY A

Falwlesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10188835254714411124falwless@gmail.com28