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I'm in hiding...

2007-02-22T20:13:00.000-08:00

Im in hiding, or I guess I could call it upstairs confinement. Whatever you want to call it there is one reason behind it. My huge pantry downstairs that is stocked with yummy crunchy snacky carbs. I am not even hungry but I have gotten in the horrid habit of grabing a handful or snacky crap every night before bed, only I grab one then half hour later go and grab another. The pantry is like Pandoras box for me. It is awful! It wouldn't even really matter what I purged out of their because I would find SOMETHING to fill the need. Yes it would be better if I filled it with string cheese instead of graham crackers or pretzels, or cereal, or (well I guess you get my point) So as of today I have grounded myself to the upstairs. I have NO need to step foot on the first floor of my house. None at all. Gosh this is going to be a long night!

That all being said I have hit a new low on the scale. I am now 9 lbs away from Les' weight. Single digits baby! I haven't weighed less than him EVER in the whole 14 years that we have been together. I have never even been this close to his weight I don't think! This is such a huge goal for me and I will be screaming from the roof tops and Arlie & Dee just may hear me all the way down Under because it will be just that amazing. I seem to think a little self sabotage of hitting a goal so huge could do with my crunchy carb fettish that I got going on now. It could also be the stress of trying to get everything to fall into place with the store. Whatever it is I just want to be past this phase.

I am on a pretty good workout kick right now. Really loving my weight workouts and trying to build some muscle. I am up to 6 pushups ON MY TOES in a row. Hoping to just keep adding to that number.

The store has mini crisis that cause mini heart attacks just about every hour on the hour. I am trying really hard to learn to take it all in and just get action plans about what things I can control or have an influence in the outcome and leaving the rest to fall where it may. Patience is something that I wish I had more of at this point. I also got my picture done for the brochure. It is something that I definitely wouldn't have done pre WLS. It feels good to have that confidence in myself to put it out there and really represent us! I am trying to figure out how to attach a PDF format file to the blog and I haven't figured it out and don't have a scanner (well I have a scanner but no cable!)

I can share the picture that we used though...
All of the background is cut out and we are just placed against the brochure background. It turned out very cute!

The first day of the rest of my life (job wise)

2007-02-19T18:54:00.000-08:00

Well tomorrow will be the first day that I start working for me and me only. Friday was my last work day. I spent the weekend almost in vacation mode. It was a 3-day weekend and we had out of town family so it just felt relaxing. I still went into the store and did business stuff at night but Les was home and so were all of the kids and it just didn't feel real yet.
I already have my day planner filled with tons of To-dos and am trying to figure out how to schedule my day to be efficient. It is quite mind blowing. I am sure at the end of the day tomorrow I will be wondering what the hell I did with my day but hopefully not.

Shopping

2007-02-17T21:55:00.000-08:00

I tried on clothes yesterday and today. It looks like I am comfortably in a size 12. I can fit into a size large. All the larges that I tried on fit perfectly. The weirdest part of the shopping, Everything fit. It was more a matter of finding something that I liked and really liked on me than finding something that just fit well. I think before it was almost always just finding something that fit well. I mean I put a lot of thought into it BUT there were times when it was more about finding something that fit me well than something that I truely liked. I would buy something just because it fit!

This time I shopped in two separate trips to the mall and didn't get anything until the 4th store. I only bought it because I LOVED it. This was such an awesome feeling. With the business, we wear uniform, and the lack of money I won't be doing much shopping any time soon but it was a fun experience. Maybe I will just go clothes trying on instead of shopping.

All that said, I am really worried about the girls. I don't think they are going to last through this whole weight loss thing. They are already really showing signs of stress. The skin basically wrinkle like a Sharpei puppy and I have to make sure that they are arranged just right if I have anything on that shows any cleavage. Shopping for a bra is no fun either. I can do pushups for my arms and squats for my rear but what do ya do for sagging deflated girls??

I don't want to end on that note so instead. I will dream of shoes that I need to get to match my smashing dress for the wedding! Pics to come soon.

It's over

2007-02-17T21:46:00.000-08:00

My career with the big corporate company is over. Almost 12 years and I am done with the company. It is so bittersweet. I can't even really put my head around it or put it into words properly. I had a very small cute send off. One of the guys that I have worked with on and off over my whole time with the company got me a cake and the group got me a few small gifts. It felt good to be loved a bit. I was a little worried because it didn't seem like anyone was going to do anything at all.

The steady paycheck has left the house. I probably won't be bringing in money into the household for at least 6 months if then. That thought makes my stomach drop. We have looked at the budget and we can do it but it is going to be TIGHT. Me taking this opportunity is taking our comfort out of the family and that is really hard to deal with but I am trying.

With the long weekend the finality of not going to work won't really hit me until Tuesday when I am getting the boys ready for school and Les goes off to work and then I come home and it is just me. I have some errands to run for the store but I don't have a whole days worth of work that I need to do yet so it is going to be weird. I won't have a real routine until at least the second week in March. We don't start training our employees until Feb 25 so in the meantime it is going to just be fly by the seat with no real schedule. That is a really odd thought. The only time constraints I have are dropping the kids off to school and picking them up. So from 9:00-2:00 my day is my own to schedule and do what I see as important. If I don't do I have only myself to answer to. Well my partner Jenn and Les too but still. That thought needs to sit for a second because it makes my head hurt, lol.

Checking in

2007-02-07T17:43:00.000-08:00

Well I don't think I have anything amazing to share but I figured it would be good for me to pause and spill for a moment so here I am.

We have our staff hired. OMG that is such a weird thought.

I am gonna be the boss of some peoples.

Let that one sink in for a bit.

Actually I am only taking responsibility for the pantry staff. My partner is taking on the majority of the rest.

So far everything is on schedule. After the millions of push outs it seems like things might be falling into place. Over budget but falling into place. I can't think or talk money because it makes my insides hurt.

I have 7 days left of work. It started to feel real and now it isn't so much anymore. May 1995 was when I was hired. That is a hella long time. I still question every day whether I am cut out to work for myself. I haven't put my heart into a job in so long. It will be weird to really be that invested into something again. I was like that before I had kids and then I shifted all of my focus onto them. I still haven't gotten my head all the way around the fact that my family life is going to go on the back burner for a bit here. It kind of goes against everything that feels right but I it should be for a small time. I can juggle priorities for a bit here. For the first time since the kids have gone to pre-school I will actually be the main person dropping them off in the morning. That will be such a huge adjustment. That was one thing that I was very selfish with. I only had to get me ready in the morning. Les did all the kids stuff. He is SOO ready to hand off that responsibility for a bit. He will probably have bed times to himself but he helps with that already so that won't really be that much of a change.

I found out that I have to figure out a way to hydrate better for first thing in the morning hard workouts. REally right now the only one that I do big and first thing is on Sunday morning. I had started to run but I was getting a light headed pain right in between my eyes. It faded when I drank water but every time I picked the pace back up for more than a few minutes it would come back. I am attributing it water. My pouch is really tight in the mornings so I can't just down my water. So no more waking up and heading straight out. I am going to nurse water for at least 30 minutes and probably get in a protein shake as well and see how that goes. My body did not like not having fuel and water. Funny body.

Even though I am introducing running again I am really trying to focus on building lean muscle mass. I really am starting to feel like I have lost quite a bit of muscle with my overall weight loss. I don't want to be thin and flabby so it is time to pump the iron :D

Right now I am doing that with FIRM complete body sculpting. I think i will add some just plain circuit training as well. I may have loose skin but that doesn't mean it can't be rock solid beneath that. I have seen the difference between people that have loose skin and no muscle mass and people that have muscle mass and loose skinn. I take the muscle with the skin thank you very much!

Oh and also I am totally loosing my ass. That is a hard pill to swallow. I have always been quite bootylicous and it is almost flat now. If I flex it gets some shape back so that is my hope is to make it look like it does when I flex. I wonder if that is possible??

14s are starting to get loose. I definitely can't get two wears out of any of my pants. Even though I only wear them to work for about 6hrs total they get so stretched out I have to wash them to get their shape ba ck and not have it look like I have a load in my pants. And thus make my ass look even worse.

Woohoo moment. This weekend I rocked a very cute Roxy Tee in XL. That is jrs sizing thankyouverymuch!

My goal is to get fully into a 12 for the wedding that we have coming up in March. I have to find a dress I am thinking I will do black because it is a younger crowd and at night.

Something along these lineshttp://shop.nordstrom.com/S/2911192/0~2376776~2374327~2374331~6001765~6001766?mediumthumbnail=Y&origin=category&searchtype=&pbo=6001766&P=1

OK that is enough rambling for somebody with nothing to say ;)

procrastination is a beautiful thing...

2007-02-02T11:00:00.000-08:00

Well I have two weeks left of work. I have gotten quite a few emails with official business that needs to be taken care of before my resignation date. I think each time I get one or any time any ones mentions it, it knocks me on my ass. So what have I done today? Absolutely nothing!

I can’t focus. I can’t find any motivation. I think it has more to do with just being dumbstruck more than anything else.
I was nutts to do a whole life transition like this being this new post-op but things happen for a reason and I really believe that good things are about to happen. I also have a real feeling that I am about to have the hardest couple of months of my life ahead of me here shortly and I think I am getting kind of close to being frozen with fear. I have started grazing and I know it is just my coping skills trying to re-root themselves.

I can’t continue to let that happen. It worries me SO heavily that I am having these problems already barely 6 months out. Don’t most people make it most of their first year before they start having these issues. Why do I always have to be the anomaly? I am thinking that the only way to combat this is to give myself lists and tasks of things that need to be accomplished otherwise I will be like I have the past few days and it hasn’t been good. Any time that wasn’t schedule was just spent navel gazing online or staring blankly at the television. NOT what I need to be doing. It is my equivalent of sticking my head in the sand.

So for starters as soon as I get home I am going to do start some laundry. Make a dreaded phone call to put in a $6000 order. Then after the boys get home I am going to do my FIRM total body sculpting video. There is nothing like the feeling of incredibly sore muscles to give you a feeling of accomplishing something.
We interviewed about half of our candidates and will do the remaining 4 or so interviews on Saturday. After that hopefully we will have all the gaps in the schedule filled and can focus on training schedules and small wares purchases. You would think shopping would be fun but in the dollar amounts that we have to spend it is anything but.

bad choices, hidden thoughts

2007-01-31T21:34:00.000-08:00

Well today I kinda fell flat on my face food wise.

Sometimes bad food choices are just about bad habits that are not dying out easily. BUT sometimes it is more about using food for something else or trying to hide feelings. I think today might have been more about feelings and crap.

Thoughts that have been floating around in my head....

My face looks weird. I don't have any pictures of myself with my face as thin as it is now. It is like my face took a jump start with the weight loss and the rest of me still needs to catch up. I have weighed this weight before. I have pictures of it. My face didn't look like this though. It is hard to get used to looking at yourself in the mirror and not recognizing yourself. Even if the changes are good.

I have been getting more attention from men. It weirds me out. Even heavier I got attention but now it feels just a bit different. I don't know if I am just overthinking every glance and smile now or what but it is just a weird place to be in. I don't have a wedding ring right now because I lost it but I think I need to buy a costume jewelry one or maybe just get "TAKEN" stamped on my forehead and then at least I will know that I didn't invite any of the attention :P

The business stuff is hard. WE interviewed two people today. Both of these woman are probably more qualified to run the business let alone just work for us. BUT we are the ones putting our lives on hold and we are the ones putting the risk. They just want a little extra money so they can still be fulltime moms at home. It is just weird interveiwing someone that was a history professor to work for me two nights a week. Just weird.

Work sucks more and more the closer I get to it being my last day. I guess that is just normal though.

I should head to bed soon because I have a date with myself and the DVD player tomorrow morning. I think I have come to the realization that unless I have NOTHING going on in the afternoon evening time that I will not get my workout in and I am missing too many. I in a fight against gravity and I don't stand a chance unless I am working out every day!

Attack of the killer broccoli

2007-01-30T15:11:00.000-08:00

In hind sight and talking with another WLSerI can see now it was probably the broccoli

At the start of the day yesterday I noticed that I was having some slight intestinal cramping after my breakfast (2 hard boiled egg whites) I didn't think anything of it. Just chalked it up to needing to normal pouch moodiness. I pounded the water all day until lunch and I had some turkey chili (a norm for me) and a couple of bites of mixed greens, in an absent minded move at the salad bar I put a brocoli floret on my plate. Almost immediately after lunch I started cramping again. I figured it was my stomach revolting against the brocoli, because really it wasn't a smart choice.
Now it is early evening and I am feeling fine for the most part. I have some banana with pb and my tummy is grumblin but not painful at all. I think I am good to go for dinner so when Les comes home and wants to go out we go. I order some shrimp and it seems a little spicy but ok. I made it through what would be a normal dinner size for me (about 4 shrimp) and the cramping starts again. Oh boy. Only this time I can't stand up straight because it hurts so bad. Les drove home and I ran upstairs hoping that if I could get the food out that it might help. No luck, surgery has made me unable to puke, no matter how hard I try. So I am just curled up in a ball in pain. Les helped me to my bed and just laid there in pain and in and out of sleep for about 2 hrs. I woke up and thought that I was feeling better because perfectly still I couldn't feel any pain. But as soon as I moved it came back. It was a long night for sure. For a bit I was worried about my appendix or gallstones but I am thinking the pain is probably food and pouch related.I am working from home today just because I have no clue what the day has in store for me. I am afraid of food today.
I am thinking of doing an all clear fluids days. Mostly because my body is making whispers with just water going down. I have no clue what could have triggered this but oh boy! I am ready to be better for sure! I am thinking a day of clear fluids followed by a day of liquids (starting to bring protein shakes in)and then maybe a day of soft foods that I know are safe for my pouch??

So far today I have had broth, tea, watered down propel Food scares me in a bad way right now. I learned my lesson for sure.

Mental plateau

2007-01-26T21:04:00.000-08:00

Excerpt from my post in the 'hood

I think my brain may be in a plateau. My weight loss has slowed WAY down, I lost 6 lbs in the last month and I am only 6 months out from surgery. I have gone down about half a pant size as well though so really if I hadn’t had WLS I would have no worries. The thing is I think that the cause of the stall is all my own doing, almost self sabotage. I think that I may be a little too comfortable at this weight. I haven’t been at a comfortable weight in such a long time that I think my brain subconsciously put the breaks on. All of the sudden all of the clothes that I have held onto for all of those years fit and are starting to get big, I am starting to feel comfortable in my skin and BAM I stop trying. Its ridiculous. I am not really worried about the weight loss part of all it right now but I do realize that this complacency is just plain scary. How did I get it so quickly and how do I turn it around now. I haven’t earned complacency. I don’t have my habits firmly ingrained. Healthy doesn’t just happen for me, I have to fight for it and hopefully one day it will come easy but right now I need my fight back. BUT already for me the fight has changed. I am no longer in a danger zone for blood pressure, cholesterol, and I don’t have the aches and pains. I always said that I knew that I would always have to fight with my weight and my issues and the WLS surgery would just be a tool so I could fight from a winning stance. Well I guess pretty quickly I have gotten to the other side and instead of fighting to achieve health I have to fight to keep it.With that being said, now I just need to figure out how. I feel like I need to just to spill all the habits that I have started lately and work from there. I actually ate a whole bagel today and it wasn’t even toasted. I wish I wasn’t able to tolerate doughy carbs. Early out from surgery I couldn’t. The bagel has sure stayed with me all day long but it didn’t cause anyproblems. I am still in shock that over the course of about 30 minutes I was able to eat the whole thing. I have let carbs sneak into my life for sure. I think that maybe going to strictly 3 meals a day and cutting out the white stuff may be the answer because my meals are solid it is any other time of the day that I stick food in my mouth that I get into trouble. I protein first all of my meals but it is the nibble here and there or the “snack” that turns into eating until I am uncomfortable that I need to break. I think part of what has made it hard to break the habits that have started is because the scale hasn’t stopped moving. I am averaging a little over 1lb per week and in the past that would be good. Why is it that I need a consequence in order to stop. Actually who is to say that even a consequence would break the habit. It surely didn’t on the way up! My biggest habit that has crept back in is my “end of the day” transition
eating. When I get home from my part time job and have the kids and change gears it has always been a big trigger for me to eat. Not to mention I am giving the
kids snacks and need to be down there waiting for them to finish so we can get homework started right away. I know it is a problem but I don’t know the best way to fix. Is it not to eat at that time or is it to eat something planned at that time. I guess I will have to play with it but I need to set up myself a rule. My indecisiveness over what the rule is, is causing me to excuse myself into bad behaviors. I keep bouncing all over the place trying to decide the perfect plan of action. I have spent so much time thinking about how to change it and no time actually making any changes. I can’t think and plan my way to goal. I need to take some action. I definitely didn’t think the fear and uncertainty about food plans and the right path to take would come back so quickly but I guess it really doesn’t matter when it happens just that I do something about it now.

The rest of the night went well though. I didn't eat when I got home. (My biggest trigger time) I only ate dinner and then I was done. I had steak with celery and carrots with 2 Tb of rice. It was great to get in some pretty dry protein and just let it sit in my pouch. I can still feel the fullness and I think I have been missing that lately.
I also did the FIRM Total body muscle workout. I am starting to feel sore already. I have an appt with myself for early tomorrow morning to workout. I am going to make sure that I look at each day in detail the night before and schedule a time to work out. I think I need to go for no missed days. My off days will be light walking or Yoga. No amount of soreness is too much to just go out for a short walk. I may need a reminder of that when I can't pull myself up the stairs tomorrow morning :P

some celebrations that I have hit. I lost 70 lbs, I am down to my pre-pregnancy weight. Almost to my pre-pregnancy size. Most 14s fit good to loose. I have lost 10 inches in my hips alone. I only have 15 more lbs until I weigh less than Les. I have found a weight related thing that will help keep me motivated over the next month. Les has a close friend that is getting married in March and we will have to drive out (about 3 hrs) and stay the night. Les and I haven't done an overnight in over a year so that will be a big date night. I will have to find a great dress and frilly things for that. Fun shopping to be had.

On a non WLS front. We are doing a big group informational session tomorrow with some applicants for the store. Instead of interviewing everysingle person that might fit we are going to do a little thing to let people know what we are about, what we expect, what the jobs entails and possible schedules and then if people are excited and still interested we will set up interviews at that time. A day filled to the brim for sure and it is going to be important that I pre-plan it because I have my workout at 6:30, pictures for christian's basketball game, at 8:00, game at 9:00, buy a gift for a birthday party that is at 12:30 and leave the kids and Les at the party at 1:15 so I can head down to the store and set up for our session. It kinda makes my head spin a little bit when I think about it but Sunday has no plans for me. Just Les going golfing and some grocery shopping.

I have a blog?

2007-01-23T22:52:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah, I guess I should get in here and start purging my brain a little.

The business is 5 weeks from opening! We are scheduled for our first business day on March 6th. We did our first interview today for a kitchen supervisor and we fell in love with her. Now we just need to check references and figure out how to set up her offer. I still can't believe that we are going to be bosses.

Training went well in Utah. It was the longest 9 days that I can ever remember. It went really well but I wouldn't want to do it again.
I put in my resignation at my current job. Just 3 months short of 12 years. I still am in shock over it. My last day will be February 16th then that next week we will be organizing the store and then starting training.

Money is scaring that crap out of me right now. We are pretty over budget and my partner has already put in a lot more than I have so for anything else that comes up it has to come out of my pocket. The pockets are pretty empty though. Every time I try to get my brain around where we are financially it makes me want to crawl into the pantry and hide in the fetal position.

Weight wise I am at a scary place as well. The hunger is back and the carb munchies are alive and well. The size of my pouch keeps me from doing too much damage but I have to start living by my rules otherwise I am just getting habits that are going to lead to regain.

I have officially lost 70 lbs. I am starting to love working out again. Still don't have the stamina that I wish that I did but it is coming back.

Oh and I am freezing all the time. That has gotten REALLY hard to get used to. I used to break a sweat just walking from my car parking lot to the oddice and now I can't leave the house without gloves and a jacket.

I am sure there is more but for now I just wanted to give a heads up.

Now if I could get down to why I am stress nibbling that would be good....

One thing at a time I guess.

2 weeks!!

2006-12-20T07:40:00.000-08:00

How the hell did that happen??

Well talk about getting wrapped up in the everyday of life and not taking care of the inside stuff. Actually I have been a little slack on the outside stuff as well. I think it may be two weeks since I last worked out as well. I mean unless you count cleaning and scrubbing the house for my Christmas party a workout...

I am doing good overall. Things are starting to go a bit smoother with the business stuff. The contractor says that they are still on schedule to be done building on January 29 and then that week we would do training and final touches and have our grand opening on Feb 7th!! Talk about exciting, overwhelming.

I finally got IN to see my therapist yesterday. Talking in person is SO much better than doing it over the phone. But over the phone is better than nothing. I so very much need her help working on the inside stuff. I didn't get my insides re-routed to not work on the insides and still end up back were I was because I know if I wasn't working on this "stuff" I would go back to the old me in a flash, even with the surgery. My big lightbulb moment was in the thought that when I see pictures of mhyself at this weight I actually feel like I look like me. The range that I am in now is a familiar one still. I look like the me that I am portraying to the world and the one captured in pictures is the real me. We didn't talk about what happens when I shrink past this stage and start not feeling like I look like "me" anymore but it was good to really get my brain around that. I can look at pics at my highest weight and I can see glimmers of my light but I can't see the me that I am inside my head. I think Les sees that too. He is getting the wife he married back. Yes, body wise, but more than that my inner self shows through when I am not consumed with all things food. This is the gift that surgery has given me.

Pics of my boys at Christmas to be posted here**** when I get upstairs to download them :)

Weekly update

2006-12-05T19:12:00.000-08:00

OK so where do I start.....

Home~ The boys are doing well. Christian is loving basketball. Les is getting used to coaching. It isn't stressing him out as much as it was. He really needs a louder voice though, lol. They boys have to actually pay attention and listen. I still don't have the house all the way decorated. One tree down, one to go. I still need to do the stair rail too. I have most of my Christmas shopping done. I got some wrapping done. We cleaned out the garage. For the party I am going to have the kids do crafts that I will have set up outside in the garage. I still haven't figured out the menu. I am thinking that I am going to cater a little more than usual.

Work~ I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is getting stressful. I am getting a new boss. The guy is new to the company. We have a database conversion to go through and it is getting implemented the second of January. That means I will still be there. I am thinking that I will put my notice in after I get back from training. Training is from Jan 4-13. I am thinking that I will put in a 2 week notice and then if they will let me working 20 hrs for 3 additional weeks. If they will let me otherwise I don't think that I would be able do both the business and 5 days a week at QC. My biggest decision right now is how to work for as long as possible without losing my mind

The business~ They have knocked down walls and pulled up all the flooring. It is actually starting to look like progress. We are about two weeks away from the final permits. Maybe we could actually stay on track. That would be amazing. We haven't funded the loan yet. I will be singing praises for sure once the loan is good to go. That should be withing the next two weeks.

Body~ I am pretty much stuck at my current weight. Clothes are a loose 16 but not in a 14 yet. I really need to get on a good track with my workouts. My sanity and body both depend on it

Mind~ I am going to therapy tomorrow. I haven't been into a session for a long time. I have been doing them over the phone because my schedule has been so crazy. I will probably get a little more out of a one on one session. I have noticed some fears and old habits starting to creep back and I need to make sure that I am taking care of mind healing during this crazy time in my life so I am trying to stay on top of that.

pics updated

2006-11-27T10:18:00.000-08:00

Well I took pics and if you have a flickr account let me know and I will share them with ya!
I have them on there as friends only because they aren't flattering and in bra and chonies. Full coverage for both but still. I have other pics from previous weight loss' but it looks like my computer ate the official start pics.

Holiday was good. I am up to my eyeballs in Christmas decorations and I walked the 5K first thing Thanksgiving morning. Can't think of a better place to be mentally. Oh and the scale is being nice to me again. I guess it is easy to be confident when that little number is showing your efforts and it does help that I slipped into some hand me down size 14 LB stretch jeans. Still in my Old Navy stretch 16s perfectly so I am not owning the size drop yet but I am eyeing it for sure. The check up with the dr went well. He seemed genuinely pleased with my progress. That was a good feeling. I mean he sees shrinking people on a daily basis but there was something about the realness in his eyes when he complimented me that stuck with me.

188.5 for those keeping count at home.

Oh AND we are meeting with the contractor on Wednesday to sign a contract for tenant improvements. The 8 weeks countdown to opening is about to commence!

BAD day, loosing the girls, self induced stress

2006-11-21T10:43:00.000-08:00

Hmph, it is really weird I can honestly say that my definition of a bad day is so different post op.

In numbers it came out to
1436 cals
61 fat
142 carbs
88 protein

Minus the fat I would have considered that a rocking day before.

Not so much anymore. The calories really add up when you don't watch them.

Also I can't blame my current scale stall on a plateau until I have proven it so.

So today is all about protein first (I always do that anyways), no white stuff, no snacking and getting my water in. Oh and I will bust my ass on my FIRM video

In other news...

My skin is really starting to freak me the fuck out! OK I am going to try to explain this but I don't know if I will be able to do it justice. When the girls aren't hoisted up in a very supportive bra if I pinch the lax skin, the skin doesn't automatically bounce back. It kind of holds the fold of the pinch for a bit. Oh wow. I knew to expect the ass sag and the apron and I knew that I might even have to work the hell out of my legs to make up for thigh skin but I just wasn't expecting the girls to start to have such issues this early out. They have always been one of my best body shape features. That is going to be hard to give up. Thank God for good bras. Oh and I went bra shopping. That was a horrid experience. All of the brands are different on sizing but worse than that the sizes fit different within the same brand depending on the style. I can deal with the different brand but in the same brand I should wear the same size. I can understand clothing being a PITA but I should have a bra size I can depend on and not have to bring 9 of them with me in the room and walk out with nothing. Right now I am finding my old LB bras are my fave but I am in a 36 C. I think that is their smallest size. What happens when I shrink out of those!?!?!

I have decided to have a Christmas party. Mostly friends and some family. I might as well check myself into the mental hospital now. I am feeling all of the perfectionist and over-planning coming out of every pore of my body. I have been talking about the menu to anyone who will listen for over a week now. PLUS there is the house to decorate, the crafts to plan for the kids, AND the cocktails menu to plan. Oh did I mention that I am probably going to get in trouble for overspending on it as well. Oh and I planned it on Les' birthday that way we could knock out two celebrations at once. We will see how it goes.

Because I know that yall can't handle the suspense here is the menu so far.

I am doing a pseudo souplantation.

Udon soup, sushi, wontons

chili, cornbread, mini red baked potatoes and fixins

Enchilada soup, quesadillas, tortillas, and garnishes

Chicken noodle soup, garlic cheese biscuits, crackers

then a garden salad and caesar salad.

I will have some snackie type foods as well.

This is the plan so far. It may change by the end of the day though...
I really should just cater...

quick and to the point?

2006-11-20T10:15:00.000-08:00

Never...
Hilly got me thinking. So I will write way more than she ever wanted to read as a response to her question and I will try to figure out what I really think.

Maybe the good thing about cravings and the WLS is that you CAN have what you are craving but just a bite or so???

This is so true. I have given in to some of my cravings and because of WLS I can eat one fun sized candy bar even when there is a whole mountain more. I literally lacked the ability to "just have one" I could also even just have a little bit of pizza. Like part of a piece. I was more of a 3-4 piece eater and I would keep eating until I felt sick. Well I still do that. The only thing is I get sick a whole lot faster. Or I stop quicker because I know when the sick factor will kick in.

That is how the tool works even when I don't work it.

So even if I don't treat my body well I won't gain (at least not yet)

Before, if I fully gave into a craving it would result in a 3 lbs gain that took 3 weeks to work off and then I would beat myself into self hate and submission to be fat forever.

I think I start to worry about all the feelings and thoughts associated with giving into my cravings. I have so much negative tied into that. I think mostly because I haven't had an off switch in the past so I get a kind of "letting the fload gate go" feeling. Then also I know that most people don't start "testing the waters" this early out. The majority of people live behind the fear for a lot longer than I have. That starts to worry me. My head start to spin.

"Should I be the perfect patient for longer than this?"
"There are people that didn't lay a hand on sugar or fats for over a year out"
"Is this just a sign that I won't be able to control myself later?"
"Am I indulging in a little splurge or am I trying to work around my pouch"

So this is kinda where my head was when I wrote yesterday. I feel like I NEED to make sure that I am getting the habits of taking care of myself and treating myself in order and in place now. That way I am working it to my BEST advantage. Doing this will get me ALL the way to goal. I can be healthy AND fit. I don't have a want to be skinny. I think I could get skinny with WLS eating like crap and just letting the pouch be the only thing that dictated my success*.
I have read about people who do that. I don't want to be one of those people and who knows what I would end up like when it was all said and done. I could end up even higher than when I started.
If I work my program and follow my rules I won't have room or not much at all for the cravings and I probably won't have as many cravings.

One huge factor of why I had WLS was the "can't just have one" and then also it has given me faith in myself. Seeing the small success really builds on itself. It gives me the momentum to really believe and trust myself. When I was feeling hopeless, it gave me hope.

Hmm, I think I got all my thoughts on this one out. Thanks for triggering the brain dump Hilly :D

*I would compare that to people who do WW and live of processed 1 and 2 pts foods the whole time. Yeah you can get to goal eating FF chips and sf gummy bears but where will that leave you. If you work your program and get in your milks, healthy fats, fruits and veggies you don't have much room (points) left over for the other stuff.

Me & Food

2006-11-18T19:56:00.000-08:00

I am having to re-establish my relationship with food. I wasn't really prepared for it. I thought it would be a longer until I had to do it. I am actually quite shocked and a little bit put off that it is happening so quickly BUT, I have to remember that WLS is a tool not magic.

I am wanting food more and wanting to nibble more and am thinking about food more. I still can't eat huge quantities but I want it and I crave it. It feels like the easy part is over and I am going to have start working my tool for reals now. Why did it come back so fast. If I thought about that long enough that could scare that shit out of me.
I have my 3 month checkup on Wednesday. I would LOVE to be in the 180s for that appt. I am anxious to see what Dr W has to say about my progress so far. I am going to make sure I am getting great workouts between then and now as well so I can honestly say that I am working out :P

Scaleinched a little bit 191.5. I didn't get in enough water today though so I bet it will pop back up tomorrow. Scale doesn't like it when I don't drink enough. Be nice to me tomorrow scale. Please :)

Romaine is bad!

2006-11-17T10:44:00.000-08:00

Well today I had to turn the car around in traffic because I just wasn't sure that my tummy would make it the rest of the 45minutes I had left until I got into work. And really who wants to spend a bathroom trip like that in a community bathroom. So today I am working from home.

I know exactly what did it. I ate a caesar salad. It seemed like a good idea at the time. The two days before for lunch I ate a cobb salad. Or I ate two bites of cobby type protein and nibbled on some lettuce. Well the caesar didn't quite turn out like that. The chicken on the salad was WAY dry and I couldn't, didn't want to get it down on its own so I ate two to three bites of salad for every bite of chicken. My tummy has let me know this morning that, that was a VERY bad decision. Thats about all I have to say about that.

Scale wise. It is stuck. It was really about time. So far I think I am taking it pretty well. It is stuck at 192.5 which is 55lbs down. I am OK with that. Even though while stuck in the bathroom the thought that "this whole problem" might make the scale move. Yes, I am mental. BUT that had already been determined.

Workout wise. I think I am working my way into balance. I figured out that I view exercise as a treat. Kind of like reading a good book or taking a bubble bath. I only like to do it when I can fully enjoy it. That is why I have a hard time just fitting something in. I am working on that mentality. I mean it isn't necessarily a bad thought BUT it does keep me from getting in as much as I could. I also got the FIRM set
from a cousin. She wasn't using it any longer and handed it off to me. It was like an early Christmas present. Boy does that workout make every single muscle in my body ache! It was a nice change. I also got WAY more sweaty than I have recently in my workouts so that felt awesome as well.

Business, still baby stepping. Still stuck at work. Still sucking!

boys wise, Les had his first night of coaching Christian's basketball team. He did so awesome. WOW is it hot to watch your man out there being a man/daddy/coach. THAT is the man I married and he is a keeper for sure :D

I am throwing a bit Christmas party on Les' birthday. So far 30 people has RSVPd (that includes kiddies) and there are at least 10 more that I know will come. Yeah, I did just invite chaos into my life but it will bring me joy so that makes it worth it right???

Pausing for some balance

2006-11-09T09:17:00.000-08:00

The thought of having a happy medium seems to foriegn to me. I crave it like you wouldn't believe but have no clue of how to even start to try to acheive it.

I have spent the last week on overdrive trying to be my best at everything I did. It started with cleaning the house for the appraisal and then a challenge to myself to keep up the kitchen, not a dish in the sink and all the counters clear. What it turned into is feeling like I have used up every ounce of energy just going on auto-pilot and not pausing to be. My problem is when I pause it turns into a total stall. Just so you don't think I am being hard on myself. A stall is me sitting in front of the computer or television not cleaning up the dinner dishes, letting the bedtime routine fall WAY behind schedule and basically just being a lump on a log.

The thing is, since surgery it is like I crave the pause, and it seems like an ok idea if you can do it in moderation, but once I start I can't unpause and it turns into a stall and I can't get the momentum up to start moving again. When I awoke this morning the first thing I thought of was the fact that we didn't have homework to do tonight and tomorrow wouldn't be a school day so I could get a nap in! I slept for 8 straight hours and the first thing on my mind when I awoke was how to plan a nap! That just doesn't seem right.

I am so frustrated right now. I want to be the mom/employee/friend/person that I was earlier in the week and over the weekend. I want to be her all the time. Or at least most of the time. Instead it seems likeIi can only be her when I put every effort and energy into it. So I swing up and sail high and then when I loose momentum and I fall flat on my face and wallow until it comes back. It isn't a good place to be. If I could find a medium. A cruise control! Boy that just sounds amazing. So right now I am fighting the fact that I am starting to feel the wind leave my sails. I am frustrated that I can't maintain. I want to find my norm. My medium. I just don't even know where to begin.

Maybe a nap and then clean the kitchen and do the laundry so I am caught up come weekend. It sounds easy doesn't it.

Quick celebration

2006-11-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

I am officially halfway to my goal!! Woot Woot!! I have lost 54 lbs. I have 53.5 more to go to get to goal. I know the second half of this trip is going to be so much harder than the first half. I feel like know is the time to dig in my heels and really make things happen! Very exciting.

So far...
I have gone from a size 20 (VERY tight) to a perfect 16
I have lost 6 inches from my waist. 6.75 from my hips and 6.5 from my chest.
I feel fantastic! I can't wait to get my blood results back to have even more proof of my success.

Work outs so far 6 out of the 7 days in November. 3 days in a row so far :)

Rockin along

2006-11-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

Things going well in my neck of the woods. I spent the evening watching Cars The movie with the boys and then getting in a good walk. The afternoon was kicked off by a wonderful parent teacher conference with Leo's Teacher. She just re-affirmed what we already knew about how fantastic of a kid he is. He is already at end of year level for the majority of categories. It is so cool to not worry about that.

Life is good

Deflated balloon

2006-11-06T11:10:00.000-08:00

My motivation in my present moment is that when I get to my goal weight I don't want to look like a deflated balloon. I may not be able to do much about the girls, but all the other areas of my body are able to be toned and firmed and I am determined to make sure that I have the best body possible. I am not going to go from fat/fat to skinny/fat. That just isn't an option for me.
Yet another reason for the 30/30. Which I had to re-start. I had a bitchy pouch evening on Friday and I just couldn't force myself to do it. I beat myself up over it for awhile and then got over myself and decided to start over. I don't know if my re-start prize will be as good as the original but I will reward myself and the determination is there.

So as of yesterday I have worked out 4 of the 5 days of November. Yesterday was hills. I have noticed that my legs have slimmed down but they seem so mushy and dough-ey. The only thing I could think of to compare is how my stomach looked/felt after I had the kids. I couldn't get that sensation out of my head so that drove me to 50 minutes of walking hills. Funny how a visual can drive ya, lol.
Today is arm weights and a bit of cardio.

To be perfectly honest I have this fear of working out really hard and having it stall my weight loss. I can't seem to get it out of my head. BUT I am just coming to the fact that stalled weight loss is OK if I have a rock hard body, lol. My shoulders have even gotten smaller. I don't mind the thought of muscular shoulders. I did my hula video and my arms were sore from holding them up for 30 minutes. That is SO NOT OK in my book. So I am going to focus on having guns that are jelously inducing ;)

Oh and I have been food flirting. I need to reign that in. I guess it is one way of proving my pouch is working but we don't even need to go there. I realized that I needed more food than just eating 3 times a day with nothing else could give me. I lose better when I add some natural pb or other bites but I need to get those bites in the right places. The perfect place would be another protein shake but I can't wrap my stubborn brain around that. For now what feels good is a half of apple and a string cheese or pb. What also works but isn't ok is a few pretzels or nibbles of the boys snack. That is dangerous territory and we don't even want to tread near the perimeter of that one.

Oh and it is official at my place of employment it takes 53.5lbs of weight loss for the first person to say anything, lol.

30 days to make a habit

2006-11-01T15:38:00.000-08:00

So they say that it takes 30 days to form a habit. Well I have a habit that I NEED to form. It is called excersize. The thing is I haven't been able to find any really good motivation. I get about 3-4 days a week of light walking and throw in a couple of light weight days but that is as far as it has gone. PLUS in the past I have always shot for under a everyday type of goal. I always have great excuses. The kids are like a built in excuse in themselves. So I am chalenging myself for a no excuses month.
I needed to make the reward really good. I haven't figured out what the reward will be.

I have figured out the rules though. 30 minutes for 30 days no excuses or exceptions. The prize will be given guilt free and it will be extravagant :) I am thinking a Coach purse or spending too much on shoes. I will set aside the money from Les' bonus :D and I will ONLY get this item if I meet my goal. No excuses. If it means I am walking at 10 at night with a limp it doesn't matter as long as I get it done.

I need some intensity back and I think this is a good way to do it.
I will report on my progress.

Milestones

2006-10-30T09:25:00.000-08:00

I have hit a big one.

The most lbs lost in any diet attempt. I am now down 50 lbs. The most previous to this is 45 lbs.

I am officially under 200lbs (197.5) to be exact!

The first person that didn't know about my surgery complimented me. It was my esthitician. She was floored. I hadn't been to see her in WAY too long. I had catepillars growing on multiple locations on my face.
I didn't tell her about the surgery. I wasn't sure if I would or not but it just didn't feel like a disclose it all moment. I didn't lie. Just didn't out myself.

So, I have now lost 50lbs and NOBODY that didn't know about the surgery has noticed the lost.

I was thinking and I think the biggest reason is I make it very strong attempt to not ever wear clothes that don't fit me properly. The moment I wear clothes that are lose or baggy is when my family "notices" a new loss. I really think they are just reacting to the looseness in my clothes. So by wearing clothes that fit properly I don't draw attention to the fact that I am loosing. That is what I am going with for now.

checkin in

2006-10-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

Lets see were to start.
The business is threatening to actually move forward any minute. We seem to always be about 10 weeks away from opening. It is a floating/moving target that is ALWAYS 10 weeks away. WE have had to come up with an extra huge chunk of money and we still haven't totally figured out where it is all coming from. It is a costant source of stress and worry.

Work is crazy right now. I have decided to really put my best foot forward there because doing the less than minimum was leaving a bad impression of me so even though I really don't want to be there. I also really don't know when I am leaving so I need to leave a good reputation behind. This means thought that I have to work from home and also have to put extra hours and it actually brings me stress. Work used to not really affect me that much and now I have almost nightly conversations about it. They actually offered me a huge opportunity if I were to stay and increase my hours to 40 but I don't want my kids in daycare. PLUS there is the business. That was just today in my review. That was almost shocking because I think it would end up being about a 20,000$ a year increase. In the business I will be making less and working harder but still I want it more because there will be passion. I haven't had that in ages.

The boys are doing great. It is hard having them both in school on seperate schedules. PLUS two sets of homework. Keeping on top of it is not my forte but I am working on it. They are loving soccer. That is just about over and then Christian will do basketball. I really need to get the boys outside more though. That is one thing that I really need to work on.

I am doing good. Emotionally overwhelmed. Having the cushion of food taken away from you has me feeling like the world's volume got turned up a few hundred notches. It has me reacting to things that I never really did in the past. That is hard to get used to. That person that I am without food. I don't always like her. She can be whiney and definitely doesn't have te patience that I am used to. I am working with a therapist on this. I am trying so hard to stay in my head and deal with my "issues" as they come up.

Weight wise I am at a platuae just under 200. 199.5 to be exact. I am OK with this plateua though because I was losing so fast before. It is about time for a little pause. PLUS the majority of my clothes fit me right now. It feels good to be in a 16 bottom and a misses XL top. I did a huge closet clean out. OMGOODness. I can't believe how much I have gotten rid of already. Once I am out of this size I will have basically nothing left. I have a lot of clothes that fit me right now as so it makes getting dressed in the morning such a different experience than it was just weeks ago.

Thats my catch up for now

Best Friday the 13th Eva!

2006-10-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

Why you say?

It is my little monkey's birthday today! What a better way to enjoy a day that is supposed to be back luck. Phshay! I will have none of that.

This little person just knows how to bring a smile to your face. It is almost impossible to be mad at him or give him a punishment because he always will distract you with a silly stunt. PLUS any little guy that loves to do the Robot and break out into breakin' style handstands, you just gotta love!