Lotusmoon Dreams

Tonight's Feeling Is In The Mood of This Song...

2011-01-31T19:38:00.000-07:00

HOME!

2010-10-18T22:14:00.000-07:00

I get to go home in November! There is a conference in St. Louis and my boss asked me to go with one of the sales reps to St. Louis!!! I am so excited. I didn't think I was going to get to see my son or the rest of my family this year. My mother is cooking Thanksgiving dinner a week early for me. My sister is happy about that. She thinks otherwise my mom would not be cooking (quite possible).

Anyways, I can't wait to go home and see everyone. I just want to be around them and my friend from high school is going to (hopefully) drive from Champaign to spend Friday night with me and then there is Lisa. It will be so good to see her again. I miss her so.

Marcy and I spoke on the phone tonight for over an hour -- laughing and laughing. I miss that from your gut laughter. The kind that brings tears to your eyes laughter.

There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home...

Peace and LOVE!

Seasons Change

2010-10-04T20:11:00.000-07:00

Today the Internet became even better -- for me, that is. I have been stressing because I can't get to yoga. Well, I can get there, I just can't afford it right now. And with everything else that is going on (and causing stress) I need it more than ever. Internet to the rescue! Yogaglo.com just saved me and will be keeping from become a crazed individual. For just 4 bucks less than an actual class, I can have UNLIMITED yoga classes all month long. And these aren't shabby classes either. Some of the top names in yoga are teaching -- giving me a chance to work with master teachers in the comfort of my kitchen.
YIPPEE!!!

This couldn't have come at a better time, considering just as I am about to be relieved of every week vet bills for Bailey, I may have to start back on acupuncture for myself. I have an appointment tomorrow morning. I have been having issues that I think are nerve related. I first noticed it while doing yoga. I started "protecting" my arm by not going fully into poses where I have to push in some way into the ground. I thought maybe I was just doing something wrong, but then I noticed the pain in my leg too. It's weird. It's not a hurt, but more like a pull. Down the back of my leg and in my knee area. It's only on the left side of my body (thankfully?). Hopefully a few needles will make it all better.

The weather is beginning to cool thankfully. If only the leaves would change colors here. I do miss that about St. Louis -- among other things, of course.

Peace and Blessings,
Candace

Watching Where I Walk

2010-09-27T21:42:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been really focusing on watching where I walk when walking Bailey. Every so often, something happens in my life that stirs that monkey in my head and makes her jabber on so much it hurts. So to stop her, I focus on what I see.

Lately, I have been seeing lots of dog doo because the students are back and they don't pick up the bombs their dogs drop. The other day, though, I saw the tiniest lizard. It was almost the color of the sidewalk. It sat in the middle of the sidewalk, not moving even as I stood directly over it. I have a tendency to move things that were once living, now dead out of the line of traffic. I'm not sure why -- like I don't want anymore pain caused to them by being stepped on and squashed. Anywho, I bent down to pick it up, thinking it dead, and it moved! I laughed so hard -- it was great. There was also a pretty blue marble amongst a bunch of rocks, and today a shoe -- one shoe. It was a woman's shoe, black, slip on, with silver sparkles all over it. I wish I had my camera today.

Yesterday, I walked backwards for a bit, watching where I had just been. Sometimes I look up for awhile. I like seeing if things look different from different view points -- and of course they do. I am glad they do. It is a good reminder to me, that different view points is what life is about in so many ways. It makes it easier for me, when my feelings get hurt by someone I care about. Their viewpoint is different than mine. Not good, not bad -- just different.

Peace and Love,
Candace

Catch Up

2010-09-10T22:40:00.000-07:00

Every so often life takes over and well...

So quick run down, just in case someone actually reads this.
Bailey is doing so well! We stopped seeing our regular vet and see a holistic vet. I cook her meals and all snacks and she takes vitamins and supplements. We were going to the vet every week and now every other. It is costing quite a bit, but she is here and healthy and happy.

Yoga classes have started back up. I have 4 classes going on during the week. Two at places I rent and two at schools. Tomorrow is the first pottery class. I am teaching it in my backyard and I am totally jazzed about it. 8 kids are signed up!

I've asked to go down to 20 hours at work. They have said that it is okay and that they are going to work with me, but we have to find someone to do what I do or help take on some of the responsibilities. The funny part is now that I am asking for part-time, they say how my job really needs more people than just me to do the job. WOW! No one ever asks if it is too much -- just pile more on top. But the moment I go to go -- my job is more than one person can handle. How does that work?

Right now, I am crazy busy. But next week, will be more calm -- I hope. I haven't been to yoga in two weeks and my body and mind can feel it. Sunday is the first opportunity I will have to go, so I am going. After, I just want quiet. I want to sit in stillness for just a little while, one day before it all starts again.

Life feels good, hectic but good.

Peace and Blessings,
Candace

Cooking for Bailey

2010-07-30T22:40:00.000-07:00

I've been reading The Whole Pet Diet: Eight Weeks To Great Health For Dogs and Cats. The ongoing sickness of my dog, Bailey, has prompted me to try to take matters into my own hands -- somewhat. I am still going to the vet and seeking their advice. But I just as I would do for me, I am looking to make her completely healthy and not just make the symptoms go away. Which is pretty much what the medications do. Today, they gave us more of the same meds because it "seems" to be working. I guess. She is having the same symptoms, so I am not sure how well it is working.

Last week, they gave us our fourth round of meds -- different meds than before. Meanwhile I started the book too. The book has charts that you make copies of so you can also record vital information about your pet. There is an overall Whole Pet Portrait, this is filled out 3 times during the 8 weeks. There is the Weekly Checkup -- 6 times, and the Week at a Glance is filled out 8 times.

The beginning of last week, I made this oil concoction that goes on her food -- I don't think she cares for it very much. The first couple of times I gave it too her over chicken and rice -- I couldn't tell if it was the chicken and rice or the oil. I next made her ground beef and rice with the oil -- she ate that, but then last night stopped eating the GB & R. The vomiting has not completely stopped and I think once she throws something up, she no longer wants to eat it -- at least not right away. I've also added other things -- yogurt, cottage cheese, apples, carrots, pineapples, and pumpkin. All of these help her system in various ways, but the pumpkin and yogurt are especially good for her digestive system and diarrhea.

Tonight, I made the Spot's Chicken Stew. This stew has great stuff in and cooked for two hours. Bailey was sniffing at the air in the kitchen! That was great to see. The stew contained: 1 whole chicken, garlic, green peas, carrots, sweet potato, zucchini, yellow squash, green beans, celery, dried rosemary, water. It also called for kelp powder, but i couldn't find that. So you cook all of this together, once finished let it cool, then debone the chicken, and then with a food processor mix it all up and chop it down. I gave Bailey just some of the broth (she wouldn't eat her food earlier) and she slurped it down and then another bowl of the same. She also wanted some of the chicken I was cutting up. Eating is good. I just never know if she will keep it down.

I am just happy she is eating though, she seems happier when she eats. Hopefully this week will get better for her.

Rain has come to Tucson -- a good long, cool rain. We so needed it.

Life Is

2010-07-24T22:05:00.000-07:00

Bailey is on my mind all the time. She hasn't gotten any better really since that first episode a couple of months ago. We are on our fourth round of medications and she still vomits and has runny poops -- mixed with blood and mucus. The xrays we had done this past Friday show no obstructions, no growths, but lots of irritation. IRRITATION --WTF! I want a real answer for what is wrong with my sweet girl and I can't seem to get one. The vet said we will try this set of meds to see if it will help settle her tummy and small intestines. Meanwhile, I am cooking for her. I've purchased two books. One is a cookbook and one is The Whole Pet Diet -- all natural foods for a healthy pet. I feel better right now knowing that I am giving her food and I know what she is really eating. If all of this does not work, we will be looking at surgery and I will have to figure out a way to raise money to have it done.

On top of all of this, I was told I have to go back into the office full time. They found out about the recordings I was doing for the founder of the company, who left and started another FREE site. They think by me being back in the office it controls my time. This company is so interesting to me. We talk about making a supposidly diverse lessons, wanting to be able to individualize instruction for teachers yet they don't seem to understand that just like the kids we want to reach have different learning styles so do we. My learning style is not in an office. It sucks that I absolutely can do all parts of my job from anywhere and they don't want that to be. The day I heard one of the founders say, "Teachers don't want to create they just want to teach." pretty much sealed it for me though. I've sent out several resumes in hopes that someone will offer me a job soon. Meanwhile, the yoga for kids is just beginning to feel like it is taking off. I have another meeting set up for next week with a school.

The last piece - I wrote a letter to someone, someone special. I anxiously await his response and hoping that a "yes" is part of that response. Though, trying to remain hopeful, while preparing for the opposite is hard to do.

I feel like several big changes are about to happen. I hope that things go the way I want, but realize the Universe may have other plans for me. I just hope that Bailey being around for another 10 years, my getting a fabulous job that I enjoy and am appreciated at, and having a relationship with someone who loves me for who I am is part of that plan.

Peace and Blessings,
Candace

Words From a Email From a Friend

2010-07-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

I have a friend that I met through yoga. She is also an instructor. She sends out these email with words of wisdom from yogis, philosophers, musicians, really smart people ;-).

Anyway, this one spoke to me tonight. Maybe it will speak to you too.

"If you bring your mind, your breathing and your energy inside and you keep working inside, slowly but surely you rise. As a phoenix rises from its own ashes, you rise out of the shit in yourself and transcend yourself."

Rudi - In His Own Words

Peace and Blessings,

Candace

Photo Shoot with My Son

2010-07-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

Preston and I had pictures taken while he was here, by my friend Scott of Creatista. Here are just a few of the shots....

Heart Softened

2010-07-18T09:31:00.001-07:00

It is Sunday morning. I've watered most of the plants. I've given Bailey her medicine and stood over her convincing her that the food is good and to eat some of it (eggs, chicken, and rice), I've hung my first load of laundry out to dry (oddly meditative), and now I am sitting eating a burrito (eggs, cheese, avocado, and salsa) and drinking my tea listening to the soft whirl of the fan and the washer, oh and a few bugs that make that steady sound that you hear only in the mornings during summer.

My son left yesterday to go back to St. Louis. It was wonderful to see him. I often think, wonder, how our relationship could have been were we not to have had the issues with the OCD, bouts of turrets, and anger issues. He was so easy going on this trip. Such a vivid change from one year ago. He is a great kid. Handsome, smart, funny at times, and still a bit immature for his age -- I think. But, I have to believe, he will be just fine in the long run. He will do what he needs to in order to be happy. And now, because of the decision I made to send him to that school in St. Louis, he has the skills to better deal with "stuff".

I had my first party this weekend too. "Foods From Around the World" was the theme. Everyone brought a dish from somewhere in the world and brought copies of the recipes. With construction paper, oil pastels, and curling ribbon everyone made a cookbook to take home. The eating was good and the company marvelous. It was truly such a nice time with friends I have made in the three years I have been here. I am thankful for them and lucky to have them.

Last night was a clay night. I made two more lotus flowers and hope to do at least 3 today. I also need to make pesto -- my basil plant has gone (grown) crazy. So that will be yummy for dinner.

I love the still and quiet of the morning. Just as much as I love the still and quiet of the night. My hammock and the rain made it a perfect evening. Looking forward to my day of lounging, creating, and cooking.

Peace and Blessings,
Candace

Making Way...

2010-07-12T22:18:00.000-07:00

I just returned from a trip out to Southern California. The original purpose of the trip was to get my son who flew out there to spend time with an ex-boyfriend of mine. Luckily for me, one of my friends -- someone I love dearly-- had moved to Long Beach from New York recently which happened to be a stones throw away from Seal Beach.

Melissa moved officially to New York six years ago, but as a traveling nurse she had been back and forth between California and New York a few times. In that time period, she got married (in Big Sur, I was honored to be her bridesmaid) and had THE cutest baby on the face of this planet! Seriously, see for yourself...

I had felt awful about not being able to go visit Melissa. For a long time, we lost touch. Unfortunately, I have come to realize (because of my own move) that that is something that can happen. People move on and they move on with people around where they are. I am just so happy I was able to see her for a little while. I am going to make it a point to get to California again -- just to see her and that adorable baby. I missed her so much. Hugging her, seeing her felt like a piece of home. The best feeling I have had in some time.

Of course, getting Preston was the big reason for the trip. He is here with me now. Playing video games (some things never change). He was so excited to go see Wilbur, my ex. I was too. It is so crazy to me, Wil is the type of person I need and want in my life. The things he is interested in, places he likes to go. We spoke recently about being unable to find the partner we are looking for. He basically wants someone like me and I basically want someone like him. I thought for a moment when he brought up the topic that it was some kind of hint. I got hopeful. It wasn't. He was just talking. I will go back to believing that the reason he was placed in my life, was mainly for Preston. Preston loves him and without Wilbur, there would be no one -- "fatherly" and similar to him that he could look up to. I am grateful for that. For the love Wil gives to him. Ultimately, that is way more important than me having a love of my own in him.

Still, if I said that my heart didn't weep a bit, I would so be lying. I have never loved anyone the way I loved him...

Anywho...my boy is here and I am glad for that. It is a little weird with him not being able to be in his own space because of the roommate situation. I feel bad about that, even though he doesn't seem to mind. This is his home first and foremost, he should always have his own space and place.

I came back from California with a lot on my heart and in my head. I will sort it all out eventually, but for now I just want to enjoy this week. It will be over sooner than I know.

I read this quote on another blog tonight, Everything Is Gold, I really like it. It seems very fitting with everything I am feeling. Not to mention that it is a quote by a woman whose face plastered my walls at one point in my life.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
~Marilyn Monroe

Peace and Blessings,
Candace

Me, myself, and I

2010-07-06T19:49:00.001-07:00

Saying Goodbye

2010-07-03T20:04:00.000-07:00

So today I said goodbye to my babies -- Azul and Verde. I took them to the Humane Society and proceeded to cry like a baby.

When I caught them, I knew I couldn't keep them. But having them and taking care of them turned into feeling needed and taking care of something. It was something new in my life that I could love and I did. I took good care of them and loved them, but I still couldn't keep them and I had begun to entertain the idea of keeping at least one of them. I can't afford another pet, I don't have the space for another pet. And my reasoning in some ways was not healthy.

I spent time by the pool -- licking my wounded heart and seeing them in my mind. I know they will be fine and get adopted...

Meanwhile, I still have too much on my plate and the one thing that I would love to let go of and would free up space, time, and energy -- I can't. I need to call the insurance lady again.

I get to see my son on Friday! I can't wait to see him. It has been almost a year. Plain old crazy. It will be nice to get out of town too. I am not really looking forward to the drive, but it will be great to sit on the beach again. It's been a long time since I have been to OC -- great memories there.

Time for dinner.

Peace and Blessings,
Candace

Strawberry Time Machine

2010-06-29T14:11:00.000-07:00

Today, I was sitting eating my Trader Joe's Mac n Cheese and strawberries. As soon as I bit into a strawberry, I was transported back in time. We've all had it happen. A song, a smell, a taste -- takes us back to a moment we had almost forgotten. It happens often for me.

This moment took me back to when I was eight and played at my friend Sherine's house. Her house, home life seemed so different than my own. The moment was picking strawberries in their backyard and eating them right out of the garden. That evening her mom made us crepes with the strawberries, cinnamon, and sugar. They were so yummy!

I remember loving to go down to Sherine's. Her mom was divorced, but had a boyfriend. She wore long, loose skirts and tanks, had the most beautiful long, wild hair. I remember there being a picture of Sherine on the wall. She was a toddler, walking in a field naked. I had never seen anything like that. We would play outside, dance and sing late at night with her mom. She grew vegetables and fruit, hung clothes out to dry, she seemed so free. My parents were nothing like that. I remember my mom saying something that she was like a hippie. Maybe, but if that is true, then I guess that is me too. I am more like Sherine's mom than my own.

At any rate, the memory was a nice one. I wonder where Sherine is today. They moved and I never saw them again. But, I will always have the memory of Strawberries at Sherine's Forever...

Peace and Blessings,
Candace

Patience and Focus

2010-06-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday in my kids yoga class, I spoke to my class about patience and focus. We discussed how sometimes even in very difficult moments we have to have patience with ourselves and each other.

Tonight I went to an expanding class. Bruce was suppose to be teaching, so I felt good about going. I like how he teaches, the confidence he gives, the calmness he exudes, his humor. But he wasn't there. The class had a sub. Within the first 10 minutes we were doing a exercise where we go upside down and bounce our booty off the wall. I couldn't do it. In the next 10 minutes we were doing handstand, middle of the room. I can't do that -- without assistance -- which I got, thankfully. We then did handstand at the wall, luckily I went up on my own and held it for 1 minute. Later, again with assistance, I did Pincha Mayurasana. I had not done this pose before. There were many poses that I did today that I had never done. Just as I asked my students, yesterday, to do. Today, I called on their strength and my own patience, focus, and faith in myself.

This practice of yoga gets to me. It forces me to examine myself in my practice, but also how and what I teach my children. The teachings I give to them and believe whole heartedly in, I must also use for myself. It's amazing to me how sometimes we can go about this life, teaching others, and living differently than we teach. I believe our of habit more than anything.

Recently, I have been asked to write about someone I admire most, a role model. I have written each time -- the children I teach. Without a doubt, they are the ones I wish to model how I live my life. They are curious, open, honest, loving, supportive, patient, so willing to learn and grow. This is how I want to approach my life and my practice.

I get lost, still, and I feel like I should have it together. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever "have it together."

Tonight, was a challenge -- a good one. In savasana, I gave a good sigh and said thank you. Afterwards, I hoped on my bike and rode home with a smile on my face.

Peace and Blessings,
Candace

Pincha Mayurasana

Fear and Love

2010-06-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went back to yoga. I say "went back to" because I haven't been to yoga since the handstand workshop at the end of May. It wasn't until tonight that I realized what may have been keeping me away.

Tonight, Bruce, spoke of the two the things that we are motivated by -- fear and love. These two things will motivate us to do or in my case not to do. I enjoyed the handstand workshop. BJ is so fantastic, but it was hard. For whatever reason (fear maybe) I was having the most difficult time I have ever had trying to get up into handstand. I left there, feeling a bit depleted and like a failure. Then my period started and it was just one excuse after another and finally after 24 days, I went back to class. It felt good (it always does). Also today, I all but floated up into handstand. I looked at the wall, placed my hands and up I went -- straight legs and all. It felt amazing. I don't have it locked yet, but I am better and getting better all the time. I have to remember (and this is so hard to do) to operate out of love and then I will be motivated from that place too.

The cat I had spayed came back. I now must catch the mother of the two kittens, now sleeping in my lap.

My eyes are shutting too. Goodnight.

Candace

The making of a hammock/clothesline

2010-06-20T18:20:00.001-07:00

I decided I wanted a hammock and a clothesline. I combined the two to get what I want (with a lot of help from friends.

I absolutely love it! I am so glad that I decided to have it made.

Peace and Blessings,
Candace

Kittens and such...

2010-06-20T18:11:00.001-07:00

So last week was all about kittens. These two in particular...

About a week or so ago, I discovered these two living in the alley in a shed. I am sure they are the products of a feral cat that I feed twice daily. I had decided to TNR (trap, neuter, release) the feral cats that are coming around my house. In the process, discovered these two. We caught one kitten and one cat (not the mother) on Monday night and I was able to get the other kitten the next morning. They are both with me now. They will go to live with my friend at the end of this week. The cat I caught in the trap, I took to the Humane Society and they spayed her and I brought her home. Kept her overnight, fed her a couple of time the next day and released her. I haven't seen her since. Various organizations say this is normal. I just want to know she is ok. The Humane Society has funds right now, so the spaying and a round of shots were given for free. I have one more that I feed that I want to have spayed and I think it is there mother. Here is a picture of her...

It is amazing to me just how many feral cats there are here. It seems like the midwest had strays, but not wild cats. Most were touchable at least, especially after feeding them for weeks. I don't think the one I am feeding will ever get close enough to me. She will eat the food, and today I saw her sitting on my porch, but she always gives a little hiss to let me know she is not comfortable. I just talk sweetly to her.

I do hope the one I had spayed will return again soon. At least to just show me she is still alive. The cruel fact is that anything could have happened to her. I've already seen the remains of another I was feeding. His body, torn in half and his head was missing. That was a sad morning.

I feel sorry for these animals. Born into a life they did not choose.

One more pic...

Peace and Blessings,
Candace

Getting old

2010-06-13T22:00:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I realized that I am getting old. Not because my body aches, not because my skin sags, not because I have gray hair. There are two things that happened this weekend that made me realize I am indeed getting old: 1. I woke up on Saturday and Sunday at 5:30 am. WTF?! Why???? I made myself go back to sleep and woke up again at 6:30 am on both days! Needless to say, I got a lot done. I filled holes on the hammock (just put a great hammock/clothesline out back), raked the front yard, swept and cleaned front porch, walked my dog, cleaned the living room, kitchen, and bathroom all by 9am on Saturday. Here is a picture of the hammock...

I then rode my bike to meet a friend and his son who were watching the World Cup at a pizza place. Great, but he was there with his friends which is wonderful except all married men. Of course they are, where are the married guys with the cute single men as friends. Oh, yeah most don't have any! His son (and his other two kids) are great, funny, sweet kids. Here is his son...

2: Moving on I went to a going away party for a young friend. He is all of 20 and his friends are all around the same age. They were terribly cute and terribly young. I felt like the mom. I swam for a bit and then hopped on my bike and moved on to my next adventure.

All in all a really good weekend. I don't feel old at all, but there are little things that begin to annoy me more and more and I know it has to do with age.

I am also on a cat hunt. Really. A momma cat has two little ones in the shed in the alley. She is feral and I have been feeding her -- good thing since she is feeding two others. I have a friend bringing a trap over tomorrow so hopefully, I can grab them all (that would be ideal). Momma kitty won't let me get close though. I am not quite sure how to go about grabbing her. I believe this to be her second litter and I don't want more. I saw the torn in half body of another one that I was feeding and it made me so sad. The head was missing.

Here are a few more just shooting in Tucson shots...

Peace and Blessings,
Candace

Love this song...

2010-06-07T10:43:00.000-07:00

Her voice, the melody, the tempo -- beautiful. Sweet. Lovely.

A Sunday Afternoon

2010-06-06T18:04:00.000-07:00

Weekend almost over -- again.

Yesterday, I was up at 4 am. I had scheduled/organized a photo shoot for Creatista. This one was all about running. I had people bring gear they actually run in and also business type stuff because people are always running in business gear. We are a rush, rush society. Here is one pic from the shoot.

It was totally fun and many of the models were new, but it worked very well. We had to beat the heat and were done by 10:45. I came home and took a 3 hour nap. Much needed after not sleeping the night before. My fibroids were acting up and so, at midnight the night before or really early that morning, I was up in tears and in pain. Finally around 2:30, the heating pad and pain killers worked or I just tuckered out and passed out.

This week is going to be a busy one. I have 3 meetings this week. Two are focused on kids yoga and kids creativity. The other is a meeting of the minds with some people trying to get something happening along the lines of photography, talent agency, and the like. I also need to get letters out to schools.

Tonight, I am going to see The Secret of Kells. I love well done animation.

Feeling in good spirits today. Relaxed. I gave up cleaning the yoga studio and today was my last day doing it. I really don't mind doing it, but I have been doing it every Friday since last year some time. I need a break, plus I need to think about things I can drop. Having free yoga classes is definitely nice, but having one less thing to do in a week will be wonderful.

Have a great week!
Peace and Blessings,
Candace

Missing

2010-06-01T22:54:00.001-07:00

It is summer again.

2007 was my last "free" summer. In 2008 and now, I have had the wonderful fortune of being at a job that requires that I work during the summer months. Big deal, I know. Lots of people do this. I guess I am still wishing for my summers off.

My very best friend, Lisa, called me the other day to say "Happy Summer!" She had just had her last day of teaching and is now off for the summer. Of course, she misses me and wishes I was there. On so many levels, so do I.

I sometimes wonder if I had stayed in St. Louis, how would things have been. I owned my own home and was remodeling it (I loved this), I had a great job, my family was close, my friends were fabulous, I went to great events -- concerts, art openings, fashion shows. I had quite a full life. Did I truly trade that all in for sunshine? Yes, I did. Lately, I've been wondering what it might be like to go back to St. Louis. The reality is that I would probably be worse off moving back than I would be staying here. Beyond that, I don't have funds to move back.

I love Tucson, but I am beginning to become disenchanted with being here. I am busy for sure. But, I am beginning to wonder if I am happy.

I so seriously miss my mom, my boy, Lisa, Barb. I miss being with people that look at me and know. I miss my coffee shop that I could go in any day of the week and see at least five people I know. I miss my summers off and the fun times that went with them.

The picture is me and Lisa at the bar/restaurant/theater she and her husband own. I miss my friend so much.

Peace and Blessings,
Candace

A Small Thing

2010-05-26T16:19:00.000-07:00

I had an anxiety attack today. A small one, but one. It feels like its had been low lying and it was slowly going to show soon. I was sitting at my desk working at work. Emails started popping up having to do with a project that was dropped in my lap halfway through the process because my boss had too much on her plate. Consiquently she gave me her too much but kept piling more on me. At the time she said, "There really isn't much left to do with it, just a bit of follow up." She lied. I hate this project --HATE IT! It causes me several kinds of stresses in the few hours I am there and makes me sick to my stomach. Anyways, all of a sudden it felt like the walls were getting closer. I started having trouble breathing, heart was beating fast, and a bit nauseous. I got up and ran out of the office. I paced for a long time, taking slow long breaths. And cried. I felt slightly crazy.

Today, that feeling was mixed with my feeling like an awful mom. My son turns 18 tomorrow -- May 27. Originally, it had been my plan to be there this week. Then all that happened with Bailey happened and I had to drain my accounts of everything I had been saving for his trip and mine. So I won't be there to throw him a party, I won't be there to hug him, sing to him. I won't be there. It hurts in more ways than I can count.

Also, is the whole wanting to be doing something else professionally and not being able to get there. In time, yes. But today it just compounded all that was already not good.

Thankfully I had an acupuncture appointment. As always he asks how me how I am doing/feeling. I tried to remain calm (had readied myself in the car) and just answer the question. He knew I was upset and gave the words I needed to hear -- "It's okay to cry." So I did. I finished telling him what was up and he said, "Let's get you feeling better." And he did. Needles in the feet and ankles, needles in the wrists, needles in the stomach and one on my forehead. I think I had melted on the table by the time he came back. Then I turned over and he put several needles in my back and a heat lamp on my lower back. More melting. Then he comes back in and and rubs the pressure points in my feet. At this point my mind had gone blank and I began to ooze over the sides of the table. After removing the needles, he used this wonderfully smelling oil to vigorously rub on my back -- to bring me back to this world. Then some up and down my body. When I sat up I felt like I was a in a dream like state. But all the stress I had been feeling was gone. I came home, bent on doing a few things and going to yoga. I passed out on the sofa. Strange for me at this time of day.

Well, I feel better. The monkey that had been chattering in my head stopped. There is nothing I can do about not seeing my son. I will see him in July of this year and that is all. I just have to be fine with that. Maybe a crap load of cash will drop in my lap and I will be able to get to St. Louis before the year is out -- I hope so. But if not, all will have to be ok. He is doing well, is happy, healthy, doing well with school. I am ok with this.

As far as my job, I have decided to tell the work horse, that I am not one. That I do not wish to be given projects halfway through and also lied to about the amount of work that needs to be done on the project ( I will choose my words carefully). I am also going to tell her my plate is past full and I can't take on another thing until something else and preferably several something elses are completed. I am not looking for promotions on this job -- there is nothing to be promoted to. I am looking to maintain a level of halfway satisfaction and very low frustration with this job until something better comes along. This decision feels good.

Patience is all I've got for wanting something more conducive to me. No choice there either really.

Happy Birthday to my son, Preston Xavier. He has blossomed so much this year. I am so proud of how he handled this whole move and of all the progress he has made. I can't wait to wrap my arms around him in July.

Peace and Blesssings,
Candace

Patient Pig

2010-05-24T19:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry in advance if this post jumps all around. I often think and write this way and lately things are even more of a jumble.

Last week, I had my Chinese Astrology read to me. I am a metal pig. But that is not all. She told me all of my pillars and what each means and how they play into each other and make me. Knowing all of this, the fact that I jump around is not at all surprising. It also, in some ways, offers some comfort as to where I am right now. The interesting thing, everything she said is accurate. It is me. The problem is I am stuck inside this place right now that is so not me and I am having a hard time getting to the me that I know would fit and feel like my "place in the mud."

Patience. This was the word of the day at yoga tonight. Patience and I are having a hard time lately. Same reasons as above. I want something new, something different. Something creative and soul satisfying. Yet, I can't seem to get there. Quite frankly, I feel like I am loosing patience. I have begun to think, maybe that isn't where I am suppose to be. Maybe I just think that. I start thinking maybe I should forget about it.

These are the things in the possibility hat (some of which are being worked on already)
1. kids yoga
2. setting up photo shoots
3. voice over work
4. keywording photos
5. dance studio collaboration
6. my editing job

Here is the thing: Numbers 1-5 I love! I feel like I've found my place in the mud and I could bathe all day. The problem is this: none of them provide insurance or are enough to pay the bills. Hence my feeling of being stuck.

I am tired of this feeling. I realize there are some things I could be doing, to move things along (hopefully) more than they are now. I am going to start doing those things. Putting more effort into what I love.

The nature of a pig can be laziness, we love to lounge. We also have a broad range and a huge appetite for various interests. She told me: This is a good year to ask, is this really what I want to be doing. Then to start putting the pieces into place, so that by 2013 -- the year of the snake -- I can just coast. Snake is my opposite animal and one to be avoided.

Groundwork has been layed. It is time for some conscientious forward movement.

Peace and Blessings,
Candace

Scenes from Mexico

2010-05-23T19:58:00.000-07:00