Last week I declared I would

lovingly pay attention to when I am second guessing, over working or otherwise prevaricating

and

I will lovingly look for the thought – which comes in many shapes and flavors – that what I’m doing isn’t important enough.

I’ve been a significance spotter all week.

I became terrifyingly, achingly aware of how strong this pattern of significance is and how it’s tied to this other pattern of “I’m so utterly freaked out about not being able to make this presentation the greatest ever experienced in the history of presentations, I just want to get it done so I don’t have to feel anxious about it anymore.”

This pattern sometimes means I end up doing not so great a job. I lose my creativity and my own voice in the pursuit of just getting it done.

The result of not doing such a great job fuels my story I’m a stupid loser and that starts another cycle of “If I could just be like X (whomever I’ve deemed smart and talented that day) then I would be finally significant and I would feel safe.”

Ah.

I get it now!

Significance = safety in my mind.

Now that is wild. How the hell did I come up with that one?

Because what the labyrinth of significance actually = is anxiety. Crazy making comparisons. Losing touch with my heart. Moving away from trusting myself into the never ending void of not enough.

Significance = anything but safety.

I’m attending a retreat with Pema Chodron this coming weekend in Seattle and I’m sure being steeped in her teachings, plus spending time with wise friends who are coming from out of town, will give me new ways to lean into this pattern, as Ani Pema often says.

And what will I lovingly pay attention to this week?

My thought pattern that I need to just get it done, that I will feel more peaceful and safe when it’s done.

Instead, I will pause and resource (shorthand for drawing on, being fed, by into something larger than me, myself, and I) and I will repeat my new mantra “I am resourceful and it’s not all up to me.”

Resource and be resourced.

Ah… I know it’s going to be challenging. I can feel the story trying to morph into some new version that can resnare me. I won’t get caught there because I’m not trying to change myself; simply loving watch my story.

What will you notice?

Year after year, summer is my busiest season, with speaking engagements and retreats. Being a single mom of a teenager has certainly added a new level of complexity.. and when you add in creating a new family with my sweetheart and his sweet boy… can someone give me a paper bag to breathe into, please?

I’ll admit, I’m prone to collapsing into victim mode and whiny excessively about how, once again, there will be no time for fun this summer.

No time for poor little me.

Oh no, Jenny Jen, not that old story. I call TIME OUT.

So instead of whining my way through another summer, I decided to write a summer manifesto and possibly foment a summer riot of ice cream-chin-drips and firefly-winks plus a few lazy games of croquet – or at least a daily porch sit to watch the grass grow.

The Let’s-Not-Let-Summer-Pass-You-By Manifesto

Summer is not a burden. It’s a reminder: life is sweet. Step outside and allow the astounding gift of nature to remind you that you don’t make the sun rise or the flowers bloom and thus perhaps, just perhaps, the world does not rest on your shoulders. Smell the breeze, feel the sun on your skin, notice the colors; life is here right now. Nowhere to go, nothing to get to.

Play is not just for kids. Spend an afternoon with an old person who hasn’t kept playing, who has decided to keep putting off pleasure, and if that doesn’t motivate you to get out the Frisbee or tee up the Pickleball, then nothing will.  Or find a Laughter Yoga club or play kick the can in the twilight. Only don’t say you are too old or too busy. Please.

Forget the big swathes of time. Instead, grab the invitations to savor when they present themselves. Even one minute of actually tasting that succulent peach will change your day. You know life is short. You’ve lost people you love. Use that to stoke your courage to leave the computer and make a fort with your kid/grandkid/neighbor’s kid or pick berries and bake a crumble or…

Whatever you say there is no time for, there’s the perfect place to start. Listen for your complaints and your “If only I had time” remarks. When you hear one, drop the complaint and do the can’t, the impossible. It won’t be perfect but then part of the joy of summer is being messy and imperfect. Taste the sweetness rather than the dourness of sourness.

Do something outrageous. Hopefully, you have a memory or two of an outrageous feat from a summer past. Mine would be a three-week three-hundred mile canoe trip a thousand miles from anywhere. That’s not possible this summer but a little guerilla art with my teen is or a day hiking on the Olympic peninsula or just working at the beach instead of in my office is. What would be a little outrageous for you? Or more than a little?

It’s not about nostalgia or recreating your childhood. What feasting on summer is about is remembering that your life is a choice and you can let it become a burden and a list you never catch up with or a crazy Dune Buggy ride over the Florida Keys bridge, bugs in your teeth, wind in your hair, blue water as far as the eye can see.

Join me in reclaiming a bit of your summer by simply saying YES in the comments. If you also want to add what you will do to enjoy summer this year, I’d so love to hear!

Now I’m head outside for lunch!

Note: We updated Wordpress and the fonts are all wonky.  Pretend this post looks pretty instead of odd. I’d appreciate it.

Good Work Jen

Last week I declared I would lovingly notice when my reptile brain is ruining the show and I’m feeling completely alone and I will resource.

I did!

It worked!

Did you know your brain is structured to look for what’s wrong? “It’s Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones,” as Rick Hanson writes Buddha’s Brain (available in October, I’m reading an advance copy and loving it).

We evolved by paying attention to what’s wrong, what’s scary, what’s out of place – we didn’t stroll on the savannah admiring the flowers; we constantly scanned for predators, ready to flee for our lives.

Worked then, doesn’t work so well now.

We have to train ourselves to notice and savor the positive, and thus rewire our brain to be more content, peaceful and happy.

It isn’t hard – take five seconds to keep your attention on how good that first sip of morning tea tastes. Take ten seconds to experience with your whole body the hug of someone you love. Gaze into your pet’s eyes and let the love you feel for him or her warm your heart. Let it in, relax your body, and imagine this goodness sinking deeply into you, like warm sun does after a swim in a cold lake.

Try it right now.

Train the brain to savor the good, that’ s my new motto.

How Training the Brain Helps Me Out of Hiding

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about coming out of hiding. What I didn’t know then, that I know now, is why I hide.

I hide because I judge a lot of what I do as not significant enough.  Not important enough. Not original enough.

I blush to write this.

These poisonous thoughts, served with a side helping of comparison, have lead me to all sorts of twisted second guessing, redoing projects to make them “the best,” overworking, and other boondoggles, including not putting my work into the world with more consistency and directness.

Where I ever picked up the idea that important = I have no idea.

What’s really funny? I’m at my best when I’m being funny and light. I feel most alive – and effective – when I’m being light, even silly, and caring versus serious and caring (my voice got deeper just writing that last bit).

Weary of Significance

I am, thank God.

Being tired of a pattern is the best possible news because this is when I, finally, let go.

Ahhh… give it up. Stop struggling. Stop trying so hard.

Who Cares if It’s Important?

Declares the Comfort Queen. No more losing my way in the labyrinth of significance.

(I wonder what waits in the center of the labyrinth of significance – the Minotaur of Pomposity?)

It’s not up to me to decide what important is, by the by. I show up, tune in, attempt to express myself honestly and in ways that are of value to my readers. The rest? None of my business.

Of course, this is easier said than done.

I need a practice.

Since my practices are often about paying attention, this week I will

lovingly pay attention to when I am second guessing, over working or otherwise prevaricating

and

I will lovingly look for the thought – which comes in many shapes and flavors – that what I’m doing isn’t important enough.

I’ll be a significance spotter.

Then I will laugh at myself, with tenderness but of course, and get on with the work at hand.

Enough with the importance, we’re burning daylight. (John Wayne from The Cowboys, a favorite childhood movie of my dad and me.)

Oh, and I’m also treating my work as a day job instead of a sacred calling – more on that soon.

What will you notice this week? With love, with lightness, with a soupcon of drollness, what are you loving about yourself this week?

I am one scrambled chica.

Last week was our Brain Trust retreat, where Michael Bungay Stainer, Molly Gordon, Mark Silver, Eric Klein and me get together for two days in the flesh to work on our businesses.

This year we did a process from Immunity to Change and it blew us into little bitty pieces.

We all experienced story scramble. That something we each really really believed to be true is not. Which produces:

scrambled self.

It was soooo powerful, so lovingly, almost miraculous. I got to see this big damn story I have about significance and how it keeps me tightly stuck.

The only thing is, after the retreat, I went to a one day workshop with Michael which was super duper wonderful and also very powerful and then Monday morning all hell broke lose – server issues, code issues, ton of stuff due, huge family stuff… (her voice trails off into stupefaction at the unrelenting nature of bad things that happened).

And then we left for Bob’s family reunion in southern Oregon.

Bottom line: I didn’t have any spaciousness to process.

I was like a hermit crab without a shell.

I found myself saying, “I can’t handle this. This is all too much.”

My sweet wise daughter heard me muttering and she said, “Mom, that’s your reptile brain talking.”

Oh yes. Right.

It’s fear talking, that part of my brain that freaks so easily.

It’s a thought that I can’t handle all this stuff.

It’s not true.

I have so many resources.

But I have to let myself tap into these resources.

Isn’t it fascinating how when we are stressed or hurting, we can actually turn away from what will nourish us? From what will help us?

This Week

I will remember I have resources. I will stop and tap into my breath, my body, my heart… to poetry, to my dogs, to the green summer goodness… to love.

I will lovingly notice when my reptile brain is ruining the show and I’m feeling completely alone and I will resource.

What about you? What will you lovingly notice this week? You might choose to make a different move or you may not, but it is the noticingly that matters. Lovingly, of course.

As in someone who hides.

I’ve managed to have a very successful career as an author/speaker/coach/retreat creator while hiding.

I’m very comfortable when people come to me, “Please speak at our conference.” “Please write a column for us.” “Please speak to millions of people about self-care for us.”

Not so comfortable when I have to go out there and approach people.

I used to think hiding was a sign of good manners, Southern upbringing, politeness.

That is was a good idea.

You know what? No. It’s actually fear running my life.

Yet again.

What is one of the most powerful antidotes to fear?

Being in action. Taking baby steps. While patting yourself on the back.

The formula we are using at the Comfort Cafe this month is:

Desire + Simple action + Pausing to see what you know now + Speaking to yourself kindly = moving forward with your life with a lot less struggle and fear, and a whole lot more joy.

So, being someone who strives to follow my own good advice, I’m taking action on coming out of hiding (Cafers I thought I was taking action on getting the word out about the Cafe but my truer desire emerged yesterday – that happens, more about that in an upcoming Dollop).

Coming out of Hiding – One Simple Action at a Time

Today my simple action is telling you about the Very Yummy Taste of the Comfort Café Giveaway.

This is me making an offer instead of waiting for you to stumble upon what I’m doing.

The Giveaway – Goodies for You

Have you ever gone to a “taste of” celebration where all the best restaurants in a city offer samples of their signature dishes? It’s usually in the summer and you stroll about savoring bites of delectable goodness while listening to fab music surrounded by good friends?

I love those events because

• I’m a glutton

• I’m often intimidated to go into a new or expensive restaurant- will it be worth it?

• I love getting turned onto new places that I may have never heard of – or may have forgotten about.

That’s my inspiration behind The Very Yummy Taste of the Comfort Café Giveaway – it’s a free sampler, a light appetizer, a scrumptious way to offer the Comfort Café to you!

You will get five seriously fab comfort tools – audios, a video, plus two Daily Dollops – real content that you will find invaluable. (These are greatest hits picked by Cafers.)

Lots o’ ways to comfort yourself so you can know how confident, radiant and powerful you are.

Not think but know.

To get all the free goodies, sign up TODAY for my newsletter list if you aren’t already on it. It’s double opt in, safe as a locked vault, and I publish one to three times a month – different content than here at the blog.

Go sign up. (This is me being direct).

Tell friends (Please. Just send them this link http://www.comfortqueen.com/newsletter.

Get comfort

and

Tell me: what simple action will you take to come out of hiding or to stand up for yourself or to offer your gifts to the world today?

I’d love to know.