I’m bored.

I had this fantasy that recovering from surgery would be all easy and delightful. Like a cozy vacation.

English period movies and catnaps and books, books, books.

Only I forget that, um, it would be impatient little me who was doing the recovering.

I want to do yoga!

I want to walk in the woods!

I want to be able to sit at my desk for more than fifteen minutes.

I want to be able to pick up something that weighs more than 5 friggin pounds!

I want people to stop clucking at me and telling me to take it easy. (Sorry Mom.)

I want to get the hell out of this house.

Okay, breathing now. Thanks for listening to me whine.

I am feeling pretty darn normal. Just tired.

And then there is the painful CQG (Comfort Queen Gas.) Thanks Michael for that cute little tag. (You have ordered Michael’s new book, right? There are actually two, Find Your Great Work and Get Unstuck and Get Going.)

The Life Organizer Questions for

Week 44

Have to: Rest as much as I am sick of it! Have to look at moving Virtual Retreat forward and general moving 2010 forward. Have to get oil changed in car!

Could do: Art! Time with a friend. Getting out of the house.

Let go of: Exercise – I hate not moving. I can walk but not far. Sigh.

What would I do differently this week if I was willing to hang out in the gap between what I want and where I am?

Learning to tolerate and stay present in this gap is a huge part of learning to create a life you love. Mostly, we want to get out of this place because it feels so uncomfortable but if instead of freaking out, you can soothe yourself (What is your favorite way to calm anxiety?) and then notice where you want to be (say writing your novel) and where you are (say cleaning the cat box or reading the paper). Simply tolerating the anxiety of life and noticing what you want vs. what you are doing will work wonders to move you into simple action.

For me: Soothe myself with simply being, watching my impatience about not knowing which projects to commit to right now. I will sit, stay, heal as Pema says in her new book (Thanks Char for the gfit!) with my impatience, let it be there, keep letting it be there while letting go of my story about what this means for me future.

What self-nurturing activities might increase my courage to be in the gap?

For me: Meditation! Alternate nostril breathing. Writing out my frustrations without the story attached to them.

What do I find myself complaining about lately? What do I say I don’t have time or energy for?

In an excessively Law of Attraction world, you may think complaining is bad ju-ju. I prefer to agree with Bob Kegan and Lisa Lahey that our complaints hold clues to what we most care about and also, to what needs our attention. I’m not suggesting you fester over your complaints like Glenn Beck or blame others for your circumstances but rather, that you acknowledge them and hold them as vital clues.

For me: Oh my complaints are so charmingly constant: wanting to do too many things at once, not having enough systems in place so I spend too much time on details, and not have enough real live local community. I am doing things differently, week after week. But, of course, it is too slow for me. Which is a call for more self-mercy.

If I decided to forgive myself for something this week, I would choose:

For me: After 37 days of wheat free, dairy free, sugar free, and very low carb diet (not that I was counting), I ate sugar, dairy and lots o’ carbs.

Want to play along?

Write down the questions and muse upon them in your journal.

Join the Comfort Cafe and do it in community.

Pick one question and respond in the comments.

Or…?

Love to hear how you choose your life this week.

It has all been remarkably easy. Very little pain. Except for the gas. But talking about that, dear readers, would be T.M.I.

I decided to be very curious and mindful and open to the whole experience.

From fasting for 24 hours before to watching my little flares of fear about what was ahead, I was finding the whole thing a wonderfully real way to bump up against my fears of pain and death.

No shit.

These intense moments, of which life has dealt me quite a few in the last five years, I’m determined to use them to wake up.

All of which was going very well until, at about 6 am, after not much sleep and no water since 12 pm and no food for 24 hours, the pre-op nurse could not get the I.V.’s started in my hand.

NURSE (accusingly): You said you had good veins.

ME: I do. I mean, that’s what I’ve been told.

NURSE: Well, they’re good but they’re knotty. (Oh, honey, if you only knew how naughty).

NURSE: And your skin. Your skin is so thick. Do you exercise a lot?  (Um, is this a bad thing?)

ME: I guess.

NURSE: You and construction workers. I have the same problem with them.

Oh.

I started to get a tad anxious.

The pre-op room was getting busy. My anesthesiologist, Kara, stopped by to meet me. My surgeon arrived. Her assistants listened to my heart. Many people asked me my birth date.

Still no I.V.

I had the hilarious thought, “Am I going to be late for surgery?” and then, even more hilarious, “Do I have to manage this too?”

See, I had just had a very busy month and just a few days before had delivered a brand new speech to a thousand women at Microsoft – and did a stunningly good job - and I was looking forward to not having to do anything.

I was looking forward to being off duty. I wasn’t in charge of my surgery. Was I?

She finally called over another woman who tutted and silently, quickly, got both I.V’s in my knotty/naughty hands.

Ahhh….

Then my sweetie came to sit with me and pat my head and I got all zen and aware and “nothing for me to do” again.

Love is THE balm for everything, even throbbing knotty/naughty little hands.

Bob got my I-Pod started with my Health Journeys music (Belleruth, I love you, you have been with me on many surgical journeys.)

I was doing great.

Then they wheeled me into the surgery room and I thought, “This place is a mess! I have to organize this. How can they work in this mess?”

I really hope I did not actually verbalize this before Kara turned on the good stuff and wink, I was gone.

I know morphine opens my heart and makes me a love muffin

but still, I loved the next 24 hours.

Bob stayed with me the entire time. Even sleeping on a little cot in my room.

He brought me tasty gluten free things to eat and made me feel utterly loved and safe.

What is better than that?

Um, nothing.

OJ. from Gambia, one of the helper guys, was my Buddha, making me so comfortable that we cracked jokes while he emptied my catheter bag. (Don’t remember what jokes. Morphine good for heart opening, not so good for memory.)

My surgeon’s P.A. came by to tell me I was going to heal very quickly because they all admired how fit I was and how, while they were doing surgery, they admired how toned my legs and arms were (which creeped me out a tad, the thought of people looking at me when I’m out cold but hey, at least it was complimentary).

I did a lot of get ready for surgery – from listening to Belleruth’s visualization to energy healing with Hiro to following a special diet to asking for lots of support ahead of time.

And then, when I checked my phone, I was getting hundreds and hundreds of emails from my newsletter list and blog readers and Facebook. Wow, all that love, more love, how good is that for healing?

GOOD! Really good!

I don’t have a snappy ending for this except to say, even losing your bits can be a love fest.

Thank you for your love.

As you read this, I’m either on my way to or in or just coming out of surgery.

Which means I’m either on my way or giving up or I have given up my uterus and my sweet but done out lived their usefulness ovaries.

Yes,  I know. A big day.

Why am I telling you?

In case the estrogen patch doesn’t work so you can come hide the knives?

So you can send healing vibes?

Expensive comforting gifts?

Nope.

Because I wanted to publicly thank my uterus (and don’t forget the all important ovaries)

We wouldn’t want them getting jealous.

Because without them, I would not have my daughter, Lilly.

So even though, uterus and ovaries, we have not always played nice together, and even though I am so not enjoying surgery prep (don’t ask), and even though the next few weeks may be difficult (oh isn’t that a polite way to say it) I love love love love you for being part of me so I could have my amazing girl.

Now go quietly and easily tomorrow and give me some peace.

I’d also like to thank (my own uterus academy awards)

To all the shamans and healers who healed me. Just because I’m having surgery doesn’t mean you failed.

To all the acupuncturists and herbalists and hormones specialists.

To all the yoga teachers and massage therapists and authors who wrote healing books.

To everyone who prayed, visualized, and gave smart (really) opinions.

To ME for trying so hard, as always, to be healthy.

And to modern science for getting me out of pain!

Thank you!

And in case you are loving the questions each week, here they are! I won’t be playing this week.

The Life Organizer Questions for

Week 43

Have to: have surgery, heal, be healthy
Could do: nothing else, that’s enough, movies anybody?
Let go of: everything this week and next

What quality would I most like to beam out into the world today?

What fosters contentment in my life these days? What, if anything, nudges me toward discontent?

What is bugging me, or pushing me, or making me feel off kilter?

What forms of self-care have I been giving myself lately?

I’m enjoying:

Have a great week!

Plus he’s adorable.

Am I allowed to say that about a venerable shaman?

He gave our small group a glimpse into Nawi Ollin Teotl (Movement of the Four Energies)

and his tradition stretching back centuries.  I found myself imaging what it is like to be part of a family that has held these healing traditions for centuries and centuries.

They even have a special way to greet each other, using their whole bodies.

Makes a handshake look so lame.

He opened our energy centers, we moved our energy, learned about why we need to eat insect eggs and he gave us the very best four questions.

These are golden! Life changing. Happy shaman dance making!

Drum roll please, the four questions:

What am I doing?
What am I thinking?
What am I feeling?
What am I perceiving?

Imagine you are driving down the road.

You’re thinking about your kid / blog / business / novel / lover.

You’re feeling grateful / frustrated / overwhelmed / frustrated /horny (had to throw that last one in).

You’re perceiving… whatever story you are spinning.

Here’s what you want to be doing:

Driving.

Thinking about driving.

Feeling whatever you are feeling while driving.

Perceiving the landscape, other cars, in other words… driving.

You have to try this!

I can’t do justice to the power of these questions.

It’s the more direct way I have found – besides the practice of delight found in Rick’s new book – to arrive here.

When I do it? I have so much more energy! Compassion! Goodness!

I’m all there, as in here, as in right now. All my senses. All my selves. (Hey, good title for a soap opera.)

One Caveat

Sometimes, I want to think about my ideas and projects when I drive because I get sweet and groovy insights.

I don’t always want to think about driving.

So I declare, “I give myself permission to use these questions when I want to be all here. If I don’t, that’s okay, too!”

Because being all present all the time is not always my intention.

My intention is to be aware and to choose.

Try it and tell me what happens!

Sometimes, the pain of being divorced swamps me.

It’s been two and half years.

I’m in love with an incredible man.

My daughter is doing really well.

My ex and I are kind to each other and, these days, seldom tussle over sharing our sweet girl.

And still, there are moments when not being a family with Chris and Lilly feels so unreal that I am pulled down into uncharted gray, a sucking morass of should haves and if onlys, and mostly just a big long noooooooo.

My most recent swamping was triggered by my thoughts at a friend’s 50th birthday party.

Watching the sweet slide show her husband had made of her life – seeing the pictures of Mel and John in their thirties – pierced me.

One of the greatest losses – beside being with my daughter full time – is the unbroken history.

What I find astonishing, and this is my odd ability to hold two opposites at the same time, is how happy I can be that I am building a new history with Bob, how beautifully suited we are to each other  – at the same time – I mourn my shared history with Chris and Lilly.

Sometimes holding both opposites makes me dizzy.

I’m very thankful – hand over my heart grateful – Bob understands.

What I didn’t know before I got divorced is the divorce never ends.

There are new nicks and cuts and severances all the time; the big one is every time I hand Lilly off.

When the sadness swamps me,

I watch my thoughts and feelings and remember they are not me; I nap; I give myself a yoga class (thank God for sobbing during hip openers!); hold Bob; and I put one creative foot in front of the other.

What do you do when you’re swamped by sadness?  How do you take care of yourself?

The Life Organizer Questions for

Week 43

How are my minimum requirements doing these days?

Minimum requirements are from The Life Organizer, and are the activities that keep you in contact with your heart, your truth, and help you be you. (You can get a free audio here that goes into more depth about Minimums).

You certainly don’t always do these activities – but by knowing what they are, you have a way of charting how far from yourself you are moving. They do change – with the seasons, your age, and your desires.

My current minimums are a bit of yoga and meditation and chanting, time outdoors, fun time with Bob, alone time with Lilly, reading the forums at the Comfort Cafe, creative fiction writing, and messing with art stuff.

What secret grace might I offer the world this week?

Leaving a copy of one of my books at the Microsoft women’s conference where I’m speaking on Wednesday with an anonymous wish inside for someone to take it and enjoy!

What one small change might I like to make in what or how I eat this week?

Loving what I am eating these days but not how – could slow down and chew more.

I’m willing to receive:

Ease, health, and new wonderful friendships!