House of Dots...

Adoption Certification Update

2014-10-07T12:08:00.000-05:00

We want to keep everyone up to date on how you can pray.

We found out that our social worker actually left Catholic Charities and we have been re-assigned to a new social worker. This was all done without us knowing. We didn't know this until we called to check in with our social worker. It was very frustrating, but we know that God's timing is good. We are sad because we spent a long time pouring our hearts out to this social worker that we had a prior connection with - to only find out he left.

This seems to be a common theme in our journey. One that we hope God is using for His glory. This shouldn't set us back, but we are having a hard time trusting these days! We ask that you pray for us in that we need to be more trusting of others, but more importantly trust God in this journey.

The other way you can pray is that there would be a need for adoption. The new social worker told Kelly that there won't possibly be a need for another training until the spring. Catholic Charities only certifies 6-12 couples at a time. As placements are made, more couples are chosen to be certified. We are waiting to be certified.

We are so thankful for your prayers and support! We know we will be ready when we get the call! That takes a huge burden off of us!

Go Fund Me #babydots

2014-09-26T14:13:00.001-05:00

For those of you who don't know us and would like more information about us, here is a quick summary/update:

Eight years ago, after being married just a few months, we became pregnant with our first child that we lost due to an ectopic pregnancy. We lost another shortly after that. From there we began saving. We decided to try IVF as the doctor was so very certain that this was the way for us to have a baby. We were told that because of my diagnosis (mild spina bifida) that international adoption was not an option for us and we were overwhelmed at the cost of adoption (30-50k). IVF came out a wee bit cheaper and insurance helped with bits and pieces of it. So we went for it. We lost 3 babies during IVF (a single and twins).
The next year we decided to go through the state for foster and adoption. We felt the need was certainly there and were certified and within a few months we had our first placement. We had "C" for 5 months, fell in love with him, and he was taken away just as fast as he was dropped off. Heartbreaking. We are still certified, but have not had any more placements since then.Just a month later the phone rang and we were asked to adopt a newborn that was expected to be born this past June. Long story short, after traveling for doctors visits & sonograms, pink balloons, painting the nursery, picking a name, paying a lawyer... the birth mom changed her mind. Something we knew was a big risk.
Thank you for your generosity and support!

This is how we got to this point. I can say that I wish I had not been so hard headed in the beginning and started out with Catholic Charities, but God had other plans. He has brought Kelly and I so much closer to Him and each other. He has shown us his love, grace and mercy. We are so thankful that He is a sovereign God who loves His children. He has provided for us in all of these times in absolute crazy ways. I know that He will continue to do so. Thank you for being a part of our story and encouraging us to keep pursuing parenthood. We got a small dose of it for those 5 months and we absolutely loved every moment of it. So much so that we want to do it again!

After 2 failed private adoptions, we are so happy to have found Catholic Charities. We are in the process of being certified by Catholic Charities to adopt. We have to go through the entire process again that we already went through with the state. This time it's not free, but we are thankful for that! We already feel more prepared than we did the first time around!

We are confident in choosing Catholic Charities as they provide biblical counseling, long-term, to the birth families and adoptive families. Our previous experiences have shown us that this is a necessity.

We are excited that God is providing us with a way to adopt! We couldn't do it without your prayers and support. Our friends and family have supported us more than we could have ever expected.

We ask you to pray for Baby Dots, Baby Dots' birth family and us as we begin this journey once again!

You can go here to donate:
http://www.gofundme.com/babydots

Or you can message us for our mailing address at adots@me.com

One Year (a little late)

2014-09-18T09:45:00.000-05:00

It's been 1 year since our lives were forever changed. On August 24 we met C. We put together a video of pretty much every picture we took plus a few of our favorite videos. This was therapeutic in many ways. We want to share it with family and friends. Enjoy!

Thoughts from a motherless, non-mother on Mother's Day

2014-05-11T11:56:00.000-05:00

That title is suppose to be funny. I see myself as neither of the two, but many see me as both.

Sometimes I feel like the biggest Debbie Downer. I probably could be titled the Debbie Downer of Mother's Day. I'd rather not be. I don't find joy in this pain. This year is so different.

For 8 years, I've mourned the loss of my own mother and for 7, the life of the babies that we lost, but never held.

This year, I add mourning the experience of being a mother. I'm not saying that God is going to never give us more children. (I still hope that he does) I'm saying that I was a mother and struggle daily with not having Cotton here. Here's the thing. I absolutely loved being Cotton's foster mom. I can find joy in that today because we have so many wonderful memories with him. It's amazing to me how God provided me with the energy and stamina to provide for Cotton. For 4 months I was never away from him for more than 3-4 hours at a time 2 times a week. All of the sudden, preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner is just boring. No more bath-time, story-time or bedtimes. No more dance parties in the living room before dinner (i.e. stress fractures). Kelly and I are leaving for vacation today. As we began to pack, I came across swim diapers, floats & swim trunks. Boy do I wish we were bringing him to the beach with us!

I'm writing this because I want foster parents or prospective foster parents to know that it is not easy. It's necessary, but not easy. Sadly, my number one advice to prospective foster parents (the advice I was given and didn't listen to) Don't believe anything anyone says. Don't listen to the biological parents/grandparents. Don't believe the social workers. Don't believe anything until a Judge makes a ruling. My second piece of advice may contradict the first, but love them as they are your own. They deserve to be loved. They deserve to be shown the love of Christ. That's the most important part, but at the same time, trust that God will continue to protect them and provide for them. Sometimes I feel like I can relate with empty nesters more than parents whose children have died. I have to trust that God is providing for and protecting him. The difference here is not knowing if I'll see him again.

That brings me to my mom. I know I will see her again. Phew! What a relief that is! I'm thankful for her ability to have been a professional and a mother (of 4). She loved Jesus. She made sure we knew that. She made sure we knew how important our relationship with Christ was. She was a talented musician who always encouraged me to bust out of my shell when it came to music. Somehow, I didn't inherit her musical confidence. :) I'm thankful for the example she was to me so that I had a visual of how to be a mother. Side-note: I recently took a buzzfeed quiz "who would play your mom in a movie" and it was Amy Poehler. I'm certain she would have laughed at that... and she would have been okay with it!

Mom & Amy 8.3.82

Amy & Cotton 8.24.2013 The moment we met.

For those who have read this, I hope you are encouraged. Without Christ, I couldn't be here today. It would not be possible for me to be here on this very Hallmark commercialized man-made holiday ;). Being a mother is important (been there done that). Having a relationship with her is good (been there done that). Having a relationship with Christ is what matters.

Now off to the beach.... and I might just blog about that next time :)

No

2014-04-30T10:15:00.001-05:00

Last Wednesday, just a day after my last blog, I decided it was time to reach out to our birth mom again. It's been most difficult to know the exact words to say.... so many thoughts ran through my head every time that I attempted to communicate with her over the last 4 months. I would think to myself, how can I show the love of Christ? How do I show her she's loved and worth the risk? Do I say I'm freaking out? What might end up being a one sentence text or voicemail, takes about an hour of prayer and preparation and lots of deep breaths. She once again didn't respond.

So, I reached out to her mom. Her mom always responds.

Her response this time was: "she hasn't told you?"

My heart sunk. My first thought was that she lost the baby. My second thought was that she changed her mind.

Me: "no"

Her mom: "I'm trying to get her to call you"

Me: "Do you think she will actually call me?" (she hasn't in almost 2 months).

Her next text(s) was filled with pleading for forgiveness and saying she was so sorry, but yes, her daughter has decided to keep the baby.

I made sure she knew that she didn't have to say she was sorry for her adult daughters' actions, but I appreciate her telling us so that we can grieve and find a way to move on.

So no, we will not be adopting the baby girl we had hoped for in June.

We were able to get 2/3 of our money back from our lawyer. We don't feel like he did very much, however, God provided that money when we needed it and maybe the lawyer needs it more than we do. It's a risk we were willing to take. We do know that God does all things for the glory of His Kingdom. We can rest in that. I know God is protecting us and I know God has a plan for us.

We don't know that His plan includes children for us to raise. That's a hard statement to write, because we have longed for it for so very long and we have had a taste of parenthood through fostering. To our friends with kids, please know that we have a great appreciation, not jealousy, for you as parents! We adore being with you and your families and watching you raise your children! Thank you for allowing us to love your sweet children. We pray that you will have joy in the honor that God has given you to be a parent!

Hebrews 11
English Standard Version (ESV)By Faith

11 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.2 For by it the people of old received their commendation. 3 By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.4 By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts. Andthrough his faith, though he died, he still speaks. 5 By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him. Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God. 6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. 7 By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household. By this he condemned the world and became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.8 By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. 9 By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. 11 By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised. 12 Therefore from one man, and him as good as dead, were born descendants as many as the stars of heaven and as many as the innumerable grains of sand by the seashore.13 These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. 14 For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. 15 If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.17 By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises was in the act of offering up his only son, 18 of whom it was said,“Through Isaac shall your offspring be named.” 19 He considered that God was able even to raise him from the dead, from which, figuratively speaking, he did receive him back. 20 By faith Isaac invoked future blessings on Jacob and Esau. 21 By faith Jacob, when dying, blessed each of the sons of Joseph, bowing in worship over the head of his staff. 22 By faith Joseph, at the end of his life, made mention of the exodus of the Israelites and gave directions concerning his bones.23 By faith Moses, when he was born, was hidden for three months by his parents, because they saw that the child was beautiful, and they were not afraid of the king's edict. 24 By faith Moses, when he was grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter, 25 choosing rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He considered the reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward. 27 By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible. 28 By faith he kept the Passover and sprinkled the blood, so that the Destroyer of the firstborn might not touch them.29 By faith the people crossed the Red Sea as on dry land, but the Egyptians, when they attempted to do the same, were drowned. 30 By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days. 31 By faith Rahab the prostitute did not perish with those who were disobedient, because she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.32 And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson,Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets— 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions,34 quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. 35 Women received back their dead by resurrection. Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life. 36 Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were stoned, they were sawn in two,[a] they were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated— 38 of whom the world was not worthy—wandering about in deserts and mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.39 And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, 40 since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect.

Maybe I should write about it...

2014-04-22T13:39:00.001-05:00

I want to start blogging again. I think. This post is eventually an update to what is happening in the Dotson family.

There is so much going on in my mind right now. I am writing this post just moments after I was about to comment something not-so-nice on an Instagram post. Evidently it's "national infertility awareness week". I know this because social media said so. If we didn't have social media, I would never know about such days and weeks that we now celebrate, donuts, siblings, dogs, infertility...

I do think it's important to be aware of things, but how often do we just use these moments as soap box time? I'm probably about to do that... I followed a link from Instagram to a blog of someone who "struggled with infertility" (said in my most sarcastic voice). I'm no professional, but I've been through the infertility ringer. This blog starts with "I have two kids..." screams infertility, right? As someone who continues to struggle with infertility "I have no kids", that kind of sentence frustrates me because I have lost hope. She began her infertility journey in 2006, same as us, but she never had to pay for IVF because just as most infertility stories go, she ended up pregnant when she was about to take out a loan for IVF.... that didn't happen to us. We paid and we lost our babies. Most anyone who has read this, knows our story, but here it is in a flash: (if you think I sound bitter at this point, I want to encourage you to keep reading)

From 2006 to now:

1 ectopic pregnancy
1 natural miscarriage
2 rounds of IVF, miscarried a single and twins
Adoption/Foster certified
Fostered a 15 month old until he was 19 months

In our time pursuing adoption, we have had several people contact us with prospective opportunities. A lot of times, it felt like they just wanted our name on a list to show a pregnant mom that her baby was wanted - so that she wouldn't abort the baby. That happened a lot. Of course, I want people to know that we'd adopt their baby in a heartbeat if it came to that, but it hurts so badly when someone calls and then the inevitable happens. The baby lives, but we are still without a baby. So after our foster child left us, we had a guard on our hearts. I wasn't sure that God was going to give me the strength to do anything near adopting again.

The one thing I can say about loosing our foster son, was that the grieving was just as bad as loosing my mom. It was and is bad for both of us. I'm not quite ready to go there with my writing. I need to, but I can't. I know that if we had not had the losses prior to fostering him, we would have never known him. He heard about Jesus every day for 4 months of his life. He could answer the first 3 questions of the catechism at 18 months old. He has a seed planted in his little heart and a team of prayer warriors praying for him daily! How gracious for God to show us the Glory that came from losing babies? Some people wait a lifetime to see the glory that comes from a struggle.

So where are we now?

On January 10, a former co-worker and friend called and asked "have ya'll considered adoption". Her daughter was pregnant and for many reasons, completely understandable, she's considering adoption, but isn't sure. I reluctantly tell her that I'm sure we'd adopt, if that's what she chose, but I'd talk to Kelly and see. He was hesitant, wait no, resistant. He's better at guarding our hearts than I am. I'm the risk taker, but that means, I'm the one that gets our hearts broken, a lot. He reluctantly agreed to travel to meet with her.

So we traveled to Jackson on January 17 to meet with her. We prayed to even be able to step foot out of the car. She has her 3 year old with her. Kelly buys her a lemonade. We talk. She says she wants to do this and the birth father is 100% on board. She says that she wants me to come with her to doctor appointments so that she can look at the screen and say "that's your baby". I'm hesitant to be excited, but I'm excited. We leave giving hugs. She tells me her doctors appt. would be next week. I go to that dr. appointment with her. We find out it's a girl. She's 18 weeks. We are getting more and more excited.

For the next few weeks, I would check on her and see if she needed anything, she never did. At the end of February we went with her to her next appointment. This was Kelly's first time to see the baby and hear her heartbeat. He was so excited, but again, being the one that guards our hearts, he was hesitant to be excited. She gave us the sonogram pictures. We met with the lawyer that afternoon. She didn't make it because of work. Kelly and I met with him and paid him a retainer fee. She responded to a few text after that to let me know she was okay.

Now here we are almost 2 months later and we have not heard from her. Not a word. She went silent. She stopped talking to her mom. She stopped talking to us. Not even the dignity of just saying "no" or "I'm struggling". Why do I think I deserve that? I don't. We pray for her daily. We pray for the baby girl daily.

God has us in this place. He placed us in this situation for a reason. I can't believe it's been 2 months. We have faith that he's working on something that will glorify Him.

I'm thankful for a husband who God uses to remind me of these things.

"The greater the struggle the more glorious the triumph."
-Nick Vujicic, Butterfly Circus

IVF Update

2012-09-05T18:09:00.001-05:00

Just a quick update on our IVF Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).

I went to the doctor for monitoring today (u/s and blood work). Everything looked good. So we are scheduled to transfer this Tuesday morning.

I am still on a number of injections, pills & patches, but I feel so much better this round than last time. I'm sure it's because I haven't had surgeries and the stimulation drugs. It's just been nice to be able to function this time around - so that I'm not at home constantly worrying or googling, etc... I also think that it helps that my injections are in the morning. Maybe it's my OCD self - but I like the fact that I do it and it's done and I don't have to plan my day around being at the house at a specific time to do shots.

Our biggest prayer request right now would be that our embryo survives the thawing process so that it can be successfully transferred. They don't freeze embryos that are at risk to not make it, but there is always chance that it could not make it thru the thawing process.

Thank you for your prayers. We have great hope from the Creator of life.

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

On Christ, the solid Rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand;

When darkness veils His lovely face,

I rest on His unchanging grace.

In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

On Christ, the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand;

His oath, His covenant, His blood,

Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

On Christ, the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand;

When He shall come with trumpet sound,

Oh may I then in Him be found.

Dressed in His righteousness alone,

Faultless to stand before the throne.

On Christ, the solid Rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand;

The Solid Rock, Edward Mote

What a summer... as usual!

2012-08-21T19:53:00.002-05:00

Working in children's ministry means that our summers are BUSY...times 100!!! Somehow I feel like that is an understatement for this summer. Basically it consisted of camps and VBS. All of it was so much fun and worth every moment of it!

We enjoyed our summer. It was great to not be on meds and be free from doctors appointments. We were even able to get away for a fun vacation with some friends! We also started Weight Watchers online together. It's been great to be able to exercise and eat healthy! Both of us feel so much better (no indigestion, sleeping better, more energy, etc...) As of today, Kelly has lost 17 pounds and I have lost 12 pounds. Last week I started back on my tutoring/piano schedule. It's great to be back into a routine and to see my kids again!!! :)

So where are we now with IVF?
We thought we were going to start meds in July, but the timing of Dr. Dunaway's vacation and our schedule for the summer didn't work out. I think that was for the better. We needed a moment to breath!!!

We had an appointment last week to get back into the swing of things. Here's where we stand:

Monday the 13th, I had my USI and Bloodwork - everything was clear.
Friday the 17th, started my Lupron injection on Friday
If everything goes okay this week, I'll start 2 more injections, a patch and a pill this Saturday (25th).

This is a "new" recipe of meds. I have only been on 2 of the meds before and one dose has been doubled (of course it's the THICKEST and BIGGEST needle!) It will be interesting to see how my body reacts to these new meds. I'm trying hard to exercise every day no matter how cruddy I feel.

Basically, the transfer should be around the 11th of September - if all goes as planned. :)

Another interesting thing that Dr. Dunaway has decided to use is an Embryo Glue. Basically they will soak our Embryo (currently frozen) in Hyaluronan which will help the baby to implant once it's transferred. They have seen an increase in success in using this recently and there are no dangers in using it.

I was considering not doing the blog thing again, but I do (and have had) a few friends ask about it. I am having a hard time asking for prayer AGAIN... I struggle with the "selfishness" of our wanting children, but we have prayed for a long time for this opportunity and God has certainly provided the way. I constantly have to remind myself that He is preparing us for something so much greater. My prayer is that we would use this to grow His Kingdom and be a witness to His kindness and goodness. God is certainly working in our lives to bring Him closer to Him. This process causes us have to be very protective of our time and energy. Please pray that those in our lives would be sympathetic to what we are doing and how fragile this time is for us.

IVF Update

2012-05-30T11:53:00.001-05:00

We were able to meet with Dr. Dunaway last Wednesday about what the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) will look like for us. I will have fewer meds/injections this time, but will still have to be monitored frequently. We have 1 snow baby that is cryopreserved. It's a 98-cell grade 4 embryo. That is a really good quality, although they cannot see the genetics to know if it will make it.

We have decided to take a short break over the first part of the summer and in July I will start back on the hormones to prepare for the transfer. Right now it looks like that will be the end of July.

We had the option to start last week, but Kelly will be out of town for 2 weeks - once in June & July for youth camps (RYM). This is actually better because it gives us time to regroup and make sure we have the money. It also gives my body a chance to return to "normal". I keep reminding myself that I have had 2 surgeries and lots of drugs & hormones in my body in the past 5 months.

The Lord has been so gracious to us in how He has provided for us and we know that He will continue to provide. I believe through all of this, that God has shown us just how precious and delicate life is. There are so many tiny little details that have to come together just to create one precious life. I'm so thankful that He is the creator and it's not up to us!

"Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens,
    your faithfulness to the skies.
⁶Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
    your justice like the great deep.
    You, Lord, preserve both people and animals.
⁷How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
    People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
⁸They feast on the abundance of your house;
    you give them drink from your river of delights.
⁹For with you is the fountain of life;
    in your light we see light." Psalm 36:5-9

Grieving...

2012-05-14T17:00:00.000-05:00

Well, as you can guess - by the title, our little 97-cell blastocyst (aka baby) didn't make it. It was a long day of waiting - but because so many of my pregnancy symptoms had subsided, we had a "feeling" the little guy hadn't made it. We were still holding onto hope, ofcourse. We are most definitely grieving this loss. It has been such a long long journey. So many medicines, trips to Metairie & Baton Rouge, bedrest etc... It's hard to think it's over. (for now) We do have one snow baby (frozen embryo) it's actually a 98-cell grade 4 (grade 4 is the best at my clinic - different doctors use different grading systems). We will go next week to consult with the dr about when & how to do the next transfer. The benefit of that is that we don't have to go thru all the, visits, medicines (some) and retrieval (surgery) again. The main thing we lack knowing right now is the cost. We know that God has provided this far & He will continue to meet our needs. Our identity shouldn't be in becoming "mom & dad", it's to be in Christ & glorify Him in all things. That is why I am able to write this blog. It's personal, but it's the story that Christ has chosen for us & we aren't ashamed by any means. We appreciate your prayers for us & continue to thank Him for the opportunities He provides. This evening, Kelly and I can take rest in remembering Jermeiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Transfer Day!

2012-05-04T05:16:00.000-05:00

We are on our way to Metairie for the transfer. We are scheduled for 7:30, but have to be there at 6:30 to get ready. We are very excited & anxious. The process is only to last a few minutes, but I will have to stay lying down for 1 hour. Then I'll be on strict bed rest for 48 hours once we get home. We are thankful for your prayers! It's hard to believe we have finally made it this far! God is so Good. To Him be the glory! "I will give thanks to the Lord because of his righteousness; I will sing the praises of the name of the Lord Most High." Psalm 7:17

FOUR!

2012-05-01T11:33:00.000-05:00

We have received quite a few bits of "good news". I'm still a little nervous about it all and I'm trying to contain my excitement. But....

We have 4 embryos!!! One is a 6-cell grade 4 embryo and three are 4-cell grade 4 embryos. Grade 4 is the best they can be right now. As long as the cells keep multiplying, we are on the right track!

Where do we go from here?
Well, the embryos will continue to develop & be monitored in the lab until Friday when they will transfer 1 embryo to me. From there, I will be on strict bed rest for 48 hours. The transfer is in Metairie, so we will be traveling there and back on that day. It will take about 1 week before we know if the embryo implanted.

As far as recovery from my surgery goes... I'm in some pain, lots of discomfort, but as long as I'm lying still, I'm okay. I have 3 incisions to doctor.
I have quite a few meds to take, including progesterone which is an injections that Kelly has to give me.

I had to make a chart to keep track of it all... I know... OCD much?

Post Retrieval Medicine Calendar

I'm glad I did this before the surgery - It has helped Kelly keep track of what he has given me. Kelly has taken great care of me and we have had some great food from our friends at church!

"Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand

— when I awake, I am still with you."

Psalm 139:16-18

Surgery. Retrieval Day!

2012-04-29T05:25:00.001-05:00

We are on our way for the retrieval! We have to be at Tulane-lakeside at 6:45 & surgery is set for 8:30. We are excited & nervous. The surgery is outpatient & we hope to be home before this evening. We are so thankful that God has provided the way & means for us to get to this stage of the process. We are thankful for a team of people who will be spending their Sunday morning in an operating room & lab. We certainly appreciate all of the prayers. Sometimes it feels like a very selfish prayer request, yet I'm reminded that God doesn't give us a list of "can't pray for...". My God can move mountains. He provides all life. "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV

Kickin' It Old School...

2012-04-26T19:40:00.000-05:00

This has been a really long week. By tomorrow, we will have made 4 trips to Baton Rouge for monitoring. It's been EXHAUSTING. The doctors office has been extremely busy every day that we went (in spite of being told "oh tomorrow won't be as busy b/c today was so busy" HA!). It's taken almost every penny we have for gas to get there and back - as well as missing all of my students (I was able to see 1).

I started on double doses of meds last week and then on monday my levels were fairly high so he halved one of my doses (follistim) and kept me on menopur. Wednesday my levels were still going up fast so he took me off menopur - today I didn't have follistim, but I had 3 doses of menopur. BLAH! It's been a lot to think about.

So now comes the point in the process where my abnormalities kick in. Because my ovary is up high (practically in my ribcage), I will have a laparoscopic retrieval of my eggs. This is how they first did this process before technology began to advance in the 90's. There are very few doctors that are able to do this. I'm thankful that my Dr. is accomplished in this procedure. His quote to me today was "when you get pregnant, I will be writing a paper on you... if that's okay?" - hey? why not?

The laparoscopic retrieval will be done this Sunday morning.

We would appreciate your prayers in a few specific ways:

That God would provide us with the strength and courage to make it through the next few days. We have to go in tomorrow for monitoring.
Traveling mercies (We will be traveling to Metairie and back). Our team of Doctors, Embryologists, Lab people, Nurses, etc - all traveling for this).
That He will receive the Glory and His love will be shown in this process.
That we would cling to Him and one another during this time.
That the eggs would be mature and healthy for fertilization!

"Only fear the Lord

and serve him faithfully

with all your heart.

For consider what great things

he has done for you."

1 Samuel 12:24

Stim Time X's 2

2012-04-20T11:40:00.001-05:00

I began my stimulation injections today. My dosage has been doubled since last time, so Dr. Dunaway decided to split my dosage into morning and afternoon doses.

I'm scheduled to go Monday morning for labs and ultrasound.

It's pretty hard to stay focused. I feel soooo scatterbrained.

We are thankful to be where we are, once again. God still shows us our need for Him & only Him. He is our provider. We are so thankful for this opportunity He has given us to glorify Him and be a testimony to His goodness.

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you."

Psalm 139:17,18

Asking for Prayers... Round Two

2012-04-10T11:06:00.000-05:00

March 11, 2012
6th Anniversary

It has been a while since our last blog. I'm actually grateful that we have been very busy during this "break" (an unwanted break!) We were able to "getaway" to Dallas for a weekend to celebrate 6 years of marriage. I was co-cordinator and a presenter for the Joni and Friends Jackson & MNA Special Needs Ministry: Love Finds a Way Conference. So the time has flown by, but I'm more than ready to get back into the process.

After our last cycle was canceled, we found out that our doctor was taking a break. ARGH! That has to be one of the most frustrating parts for me. I realize it's selfish of me to think this way. I'm pretty sure if I was traveling from New Orleans to BR everyday (including weekends) to make babies, I'd be tired, too. So for those who might not understand: my cycle and his clinic cycle have to be lined up. My body seemed to go a little haywire after the first round of IVF, plus his break = a long break!

So here begins Round Two...
Tomorrow morning I'll go in for my first ultrasound & lab work to check for polyps and cysts. This was the point in the first cycle that I had to have surgery. I'm nervous and praying that everything looks good. I don't feel up to having another surgery. (who does?)

If all is clear tomorrow. I will start my Lupron injection on Thursday.

We are asking you to pray that all will be clear to start injections on Thursday.

Your prayers are appreciated. I'm so thankful to be able to keep my friends up to date on this blog. I'm more thankful that God has provided friends who are praying and encouraging us in this journey.

Love to all,

News: Not the Best, Not the Worst

2012-02-12T13:32:00.000-06:00

It's been a very long week. This is the first chance I have had (and felt like) to leisurely sit at the computer.

We had a little bit of a roller coaster ride this week...

Thursday I went back for blood work and the ultrasound. My blood work has continued to look good. We could definitely see my ovary on Thursday! We even saw the "remnant" ovary on my left side! The left ovary had one small follicle (WHOA! IT WORKS!) and the right ovary had 2 follicles. (follicles are what they look for to determine how many eggs you have). Typically they average 8 to 10 eggs a cycle. So this was the discouraging news. So we were pretty much ready to cancel this cycle and start over next month, until... my blood work came back and Dr. Dunaway really felt like my ovary had to have more happening than we could see. Being that the ovary is crammed between my kidney and liver, this didn't surprise him that we might not be seeing everything. So... we did one more night of injections and went back Friday. We were very ready, once again to cancel, but we saw 2 more follicles for a total of 5. This is not a bad number, but being that we are having a surgical retrieval (not typical and $5000 out of pocket in addition to standard IVF cost) - we aren't pleased with that number. So... we went one more day to just make sure that no other follicles were hiding from the ultrasound. We had to drive to Metairie (New Orleans office) yesterday morning for monitoring. They saw the same thing as Friday and that decided it for us... we canceled the cycle.

Even though we have 5 eggs, that doesn't mean all 5 would make it. He was very pleased with my blood work and the quality & size of the follicles that he could see. He was very encouraging to us! Financially this sets us back a little, but I'm so glad we didn't get any further into the process for it to not work. Basically, we will owe the cost of monitoring and will have to pay for meds again - and thankfully we have some left over! It's still a hit, but I really feel like it could have been a lot worse.

My dad reminded me that this isn't a procedure, this is a process. (banker turned doctor??? nah!) I appreciate his wisdom. It's a learning experience and we are all definitely learning. No two cases are ever alike. Dr. Dunaway will change my recipe of meds to help ensure that I produce a lot more follicles next time. We are encouraged because for a few reasons: 1. they saw my ovary! how sick would we have been if he had only gone on blood work and only gotten 5 when he did the surgery??? 2. I am responding to the medicines 3. The quality of my endometrium and follicles look really good as well as my blood work.

So that's where we are... My tummy gets a break from shots, the hormones can LEAVE for all I care!!! (it is truly an experience), and we will regroup.

We are thankful for Dr. Dunaway and his wisdom. We are most thankful for the opportunity that God is giving us. Our prayer is that He be glorified in everything.

"For this I will praise you,

O LORD, among the nations,

and sing praises to your name.

Great salvation he brings^[j] to his king,

and shows steadfast love to his anointed,

to David and his offspring forever."

2 Samuel 22:50,51

In His grace & at His mercy,

Long day of waiting...

2012-02-06T20:25:00.000-06:00

I had labs drawn this morning and an ultrasound. I will go ahead and tell you the results and then share my waiting room story. :)
We knew that it was a possibility that they wouldn't be able to see my ovary. It's basically likes to hide between my kidney and liver. No one has ever been able to see it on ultrasound - but they have seen it through laparoscopy. The reason they thought they might see it is because the follicles should show up as they grow and the ovary gets bigger. Anyways.... they could not see the ovary. This was very discouraging because we had to wait all day for he lab results. This was a true test of handing it all over to God and know that we have absolutely no control over the results.

My nurse called to let me know that my levels have increased from a baseline of 11 to 204 today. So this means that I am responding to the stimulation meds. It was enough of an increase that he did not increase my dosages. I'm very thankful for that because that means we don't have to order more medicines yet (hopefully we won't have to before the retrieval).

I will continue stim injections until Wednesday and then go Thursday morning for another lab and ultrasound. Hopefully they will not be as busy...which brings to me to my story or rather soapbox.

I love children. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have the ability to love children and I have always loved being around kids and working with them. However, I do think that parents need to recognize the time and place for kids to be for 2 reasons: respect for others and respect for the child.
A couple walked in today with their 4 year old. He was eating a bag of potato chips (at 8:00 in the morning? I'm trying to refrain from judging). He was eating them loudly. They proceeded to give him a video game that sounded like it was from the 1980's. The volume was definitely all the way up. This is also a very small waiting room. This went on for about 10 minutes before they decided to change the game to super mario brothers... again with the volume very much all the way up.
Respect for Others
I realize that I'm on a lot of meds, but so are all the other women in this waiting room. The men are on edge as well. This couple just seemed completely oblivious to the amount of emotional, on edge women in the room. This isn't a normal doctor office. I'm not sure the reason they had to bring the little boy, but it does seem like sense there were 2 of them, that the dad could have done something with him besides video games, loudly. Thankfully the room was full of gracious women, but I have been in that room where there are women that would have definitely called them out.
Respect/Expectations for the Child
What are you expecting of your child? I really feel like the dad could have taken his son downstairs or outside to run around for a little while... the waiting room was packed, and then, the mom went back by herself! I know at a certain age, a child might be able to quietly sit in a room with other adults, but when you have to loudly entertain the child - he's not ready.

For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them."

Psalm 139:13-16

The Unbearable Lightness of Being... and Shots!

2012-02-05T16:53:00.000-06:00

Today was day 3 of Stim Meds. It went much smoother than day 1 and 2! It was good to have had plenty of practice with the Lupron for the past few weeks, to take some of the anxiety away. Here is a pic of my lovely collection of meds...

Day 1 was just funny. The meds have to be given between 4 and 6 - so I worked all morning and then we ran errands to keep our minds off of the thought - otherwise we probably would have made ourselves sick reading blogs and watching videos. We got him just around 4:30 and pulled out the instruction video that the doctor office gave us - it was completely in spanish and 30 minutes long. Luckily earlier in the week I had seen another (fast) video in English on YouTube (from a clinic)... So we just used that and it has been simple to give. It just made us laugh. a lot. I had trouble with a stupid air bubble in the menopur, but once medicine started shooting out of the needle, I freaked out (1. this stuff is expensive and 2. it was almost 6) and just stuck it in me with the air bubble. I called Heidi (my sis, the nurse) and found out that I would not be dying of an air bubble. phew.
Shout out to Heidi - she knows nothing about IVF but she's learning and has really helped me by coaching me through these injections. I can't tell you how much I love and appreciate her - for much more than her nursing abilities. :)

Day 2 was FRUSTRATING!!! We invited Kel's mom and dad over for dinner and they called to say they were on their way at about 3:50. So we rushed to get everything together, trying to be finished with the injections before they arrived. As soon as I had given the Lupron, they pulled into the driveway. Not a big deal, but we shouldn't have been in such a rush. When I was mixing the menopur - I took the qcap (needle that mixes the meds) off too early and placed the needle on - the needle was too small to pull the medicine through - I spent 30 minutes trying to force it into the syringe. Two small needles (one bent) later, I did it... and injected. As soon as I injected it, I realized that I should have kept the qcap on. Thankfully, I didn't have any air bubble issues!!!

Day 3 - we just finished! There is no story to tell, which is the story. It's an anti story. I wish I had something to say, but it went too smoothly - only took 20 minutes and so far so good.

I am beginning to bruise, which is normal... it's really not so bad - just don't want to run out of places to give injections! The only other side effect I've had is headaches. They are only at night and are borderline tolerable. I have had to take imitrex to at least get some rest. That has been frustrating b/c I don't like taking meds!!!

Please keep us in your prayers. Tomorrow morning is my lab work & ultrasound. They will be checking to see the size and how many follicles my ovary is producing. We really aren't sure they will be able to see my ovary b/c of the placement. So pray that they will be able to see the follicles!!! Pray that everything goes well and we can stay on this road to retrieval! Pray that we will trust in God and not worry!!!

I noticed the other day that my retrieval could be on my mom's birthday, February 13. That would be so neat. She would be so excited and supportive of us. I just know it.

During the Lord's supper today, I was convicted of my sin of worrying. I had to ask God to help me to not worry and to rely on Him more. No matter what they tell us tomorrow, I have to know that it is only what God has ordained and to more fully trust in Him.

Kel opened worship today with this scripture and I wanted to share it with you.

“For who is God, but the LORD?

And who is a rock, except our God?

^{³³ This God is my strong refuge}

and has made my^[a] way blameless.^[b]

^{³⁴ He made my feet like the feet of a deer}

and set me secure on the heights.

^{³⁵ He trains my hands for war,}

so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

^{³⁶ You have given me the shield of your salvation,}

and your gentleness made me great."

2 Samuel 22:32-36

Stim Time!

2012-02-02T11:31:00.000-06:00

After last Fridays visit to the doc - and loading up on antibiotics to knock out an infection, I feel so much better. I think the infection was probably making me more more sick than the Lupron.

I will begin my stim injections (Follistim & Menopur) tomorrow. I will go in for labs & an ultrasound on Monday morning. From there we will know when the retrieval will be.

*side story about going in Monday for labs: I'm a little nervous b/c the last time I did labs was the morning I was told my friend, Amanda, had been murdered. I was parking when I found out. So I was in a "zone"; trying not to cry and asking why... I walked down the hall and noticed a lot of women were sitting in the hallway, waiting. I walked past them and stood by my doc's locked door (they weren't open). When they opened the door, I stepped to the side to let the other women in. I walked in last, as I did this lady came running down the hall and proceeded to cut in front of me. I was in my own world - the lady ahead of me said, you can't do that and she proceeded to say "I parked my car before she did!!!" I didn't and couldn't say anything b/c I was seriously about to cry. I signed in, sat down and the nurse proceeded to call me back first. She had seen the entire thing :) I was thankful for that. So needless to say, I am not looking forward to being in the room with a bunch of hormonal women!!!

This week has been much better than last week. I'm thankful for my flexible schedule and that my kids parents have been so understanding!

We are so thankful to be where we are. God is continuing to show us our need for Him. He is our provider.

I am reminded today that having children is not our ultimate goal. It is to glorify Him in every opportunity that He gives us. I'm thankful for this opportunity He has given us to glorify Him and be a testimony to His goodness.

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you."

Psalm 139:17,18

A Week of Injections... and Frustrations

2012-01-27T09:23:00.000-06:00

My IVF nurse called Monday to let me know that I needed to start my Lupron injection. So I had the joy of giving myself my very first injection. It wasn't bad at all. I didn't even feel the needle. I was so nervous, I watched multiple videos, read blogs and so did Kelly - as he is "the back up plan" - if for some reason I couldn't do it. Well... there we were standing in the kitchen with everything sterilized and ready. I grabbed the fat on my thigh and Kelly says, "Oh! My Dad and the boys are here" (they were bringing me banana pudding) so I said, "it's now or never" and I did it without flinching! I was so excited to have done that and it be no big deal... until about 20 minutes later when I began to vomit. So began a pretty long night. I already had a lot of pain from the surgery and then vomiting did not make it any more comfortable. I wasn't able to eat anything but crackers for dinner (not a bad thing for my diet!)

The rest of this weeks injections have gone well. I haven't had anymore violent episodes. I was pretty sick Wednesday Morning and now I'm fighting a rash that is not looking good. I'm about to head to the doctor right now because they think it could be infected. UGH!!!!

Please pray for healing, and my frustration. I had to go without seeing two kids this week and that really hurts financially (one that I homeschool for 7 hours/week). That's become our gas/grocery money. I'm also frustrated at myself b/c I didn't plan better for this kind of stuff to happen this week. :(

"Where shall I go from your Spirit?
   Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
   If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
   and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
   and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
   and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
   the night is bright as the day,
   for darkness is as light with you."

Psalm 139:7-12

A much needed update!

2012-01-22T21:26:00.000-06:00

Well, I have decided to once again try to revive our blog. I'm not promising anything and I'm not going to come up with any cute "themes" to try to keep me motivated. My main goal is to update those who have an interest in what is happening in our life - especially those who aren't living in the same area. It's been really hard to keep everyone up to speed the past few months.

Disclaimer: This does include lots of medical info. I did try to dance around the details. There is nothing "gory" in here, but just wanted you to be warned. :)

This past October I was told that if we wanted to have children, now is the time. According to my doctor, since I have Spina Bifida, my biological clock is ticking about 5 years ahead of my age. He also is thinking in terms of my being able to carry more than one pregnancy, so the sooner the better (or more children we can have). We believe that God is sovereign and able to do anything at anytime. With this news, we began to pray and seek counsel. We came to a few conclusions: 1. We will never get this time back - this time while we are young and desiring children. 2. God has provided everything that we need, so if this is His will, He will continue to provide. 3. We want a baby and we are going to go for it. 4. Kelly doesn't want to be old and unable to play basketball with his children.

For those who might not know, we have known for almost 5 years now that we would have to have InVitro Fertilization to have a child. This is due to abnormalities that I was born with. Because my fallopian tube, is abnormally long, it has to be bypassed.

So began the doctors appointments. We had a bit of delay because of the timing of Thanksgiving and Christmas plus, my doctor had surgery on his hand - and we really need his hand to be in great shape for this. But these delays provided us with time to get our finances together. We have spent the past few years trying to be completely debt free before we started IVF, but with this news, it's just not possible. Again, still trusting that God will continue to provide. We certainly have not gone without in the (almost) 6 years that we have been married.

Thru the past few months we have seen God provide even as we panic. It's amazing that even though our trust and faith in Him is so incredibly weak, He still chooses to provide for us in the most weird and awkward ways. While we weren't prepared financially for this. We were told initially that the cost would be anywhere from $12,000 to $18,000. We have reached well over $20,000 in cost at this point, yet God still provides.

I was told I'd have to have a surgery for egg retrieval. This is not common. It's because of the abnormal placement of my ovary. This cost is out of pocket, $4,950. We were initially told this would only be about $2,000 - but the hospital raised their fees for this surgery. After receiving this news we made the decision to not purchase Christmas presents for each other and we only bought for our niece and nephews. We are thankful to our families for being so understanding.

My doctor set me up to have a USI and more lab work done on Jan 10 and if that were to go well I would have started my injections the next day. So we ordered and received all of my meds (about $2,200 worth of meds). On that Tuesday, I went in for the test and they found polyps inside my uterus. I was told I'd have to have surgery on Jan 20 (this past Friday) and wouldn't be able to start injections yet. We were initially devastated, but after a talk with my grandmother, I realized that if we had not started this process, they might not have found the polyps and the situation could have been worse. I had no symptoms, so this was really a shock to us as well as the doctor and nurses. Again, this is God's timing, not Amy's, not Kelly's. The most devastating part of this has been coming up with an extra 5K for the surgery. God is continuing to provide for us in this way. Thankfully the hospital was very gracious and understanding in providing options for us to pay.

I had the surgery this past Friday and it went well. Dr. Dunaway was intrigued by my uniqueness, but was also pleased with what he saw. Kelly was very encouraged by his report. I will call my IVF nurse tomorrow and she will tell me if I can start the injections tomorrow. I will give myself injections for 10 - 13 days and then I will have the laparoscopic egg retrieval at Tulane - Lakeside in Metairie. the transfer will be 3 to 5 days after and then we wait. :)

We are humbled, yet excited and encouraged by the way in which God is working in our life. This isn't something that we are keeping secret. We do covet your prayers and support for us. We will continue to update through the process. Hopefully this will turn into a blog about our growing family. :)

We know the Lord is good. He has shown Himself to us in this experience and our prayer is that we glorify Him in this process.

"O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it." Psalm 139:1-6

Crawfish Wontons with Spinach and Cream Cheese Filling

2011-04-15T12:28:00.000-05:00

Ingredients:

Crawfish

Wontons

Fresh Spinach Leaves (one leaf per wonton)

Cream Cheese Mixture: (mix together in a bowl)

4 oz. Cream Cheese, softened

4 oz. Sour Cream

1 tsp. Soy sauce

1 tsp. Garlic Powder

1 tsp. Tony’s

1/4 c. chopped red onion

1 tsp. Parsley, chopped

1 tsp. Basil, chopped

1 tsp. Cilantro, chopped

1 tsp. Oregano, chopped

Instructions:

After mixing the cream cheese mixture together, lay out your first wonton.

Place one spinach leaf on the wonton.

Place a spoonful of the cream cheese mixture on top of the spinach leaf, then place 2 crawfish on top of that.

Pull the four corners of the wontons together. (Wet the wonton with a basting brush to help it stick). (you can also make these into egg rolls)

Fry or steam however you like!

Dip in Soy or Teriyaki Sauce!

Enjoy!

Strawberry Cake with a Twist of Mamie...

2011-04-15T12:10:00.000-05:00

This recipe is based on Paula Dean's recipe, but with few twists that my grandma taught me about making cakes... I hope you enjoy!!!

Ingredients for Cake:

1 (18.25-ounce) box white cake mix
1 (3-ounce) box strawberry-flavored instant gelatin
1 (15-ounce) package frozen strawberries in syrup, thawed and pureed
4 large eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/4 cup water (I do half (1/8) whole milk & 1/8 water to make a really moist cake!)

Ingredients for Strawberry Cream Cheese Frosting:

1/4 cup butter, softened
1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened
1 (10-ounce) package frozen strawberries in syrup, thawed and pureed (you will only need 1/4 cup of this)
1/2 teaspoon strawberry extract
7 cups confectioners' sugar
Fresh strawberries, or chocolate covered strawberries for garnish, optional

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease 2 (9-inch) round cake pans

In a large bowl, combine cake mix and gelatin.

Add pureed strawberries, eggs, oil, and water; beat at medium speed with an electric mixer until smooth.

Pour into prepared pans, and bake for 20 minutes, or until a wooden pick inserted in the center comes out clean.

Let cool in pans for 10 minutes. Remove from pans, and cool completely on wire racks.

For the frosting:

In a large bowl, beat butter and cream cheese at medium speed with an electric mixer until creamy.

Beat in 1/4 cup of the strawberry puree and the strawberry extract (The rest of the puree is leftover)

Gradually add confectioners' sugar, beating until smooth.

Spread frosting in between layers and on top and sides of cake.

Garnish with sliced fresh strawberries, if desired.

Enjoy!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T15:01:00.000-06:00

I had been saving pics for a few months now of "reasons why I love him..." I'll keep collecting these for something in the future, but this year has been a year with many changes and challenges, so I wanted to put something together to express how "lucky" I am.

I'm so thankful that I have a husband who Loves Christ first and me second. I am undeserving of His love as well as Kelly's love and I'm so thankful for his precious heart.

Many of these pictures mean nothing to most people, but they hold memories that only the two of us, thru Christ, can share together, forever.

Love you always,