This is an interesting concept. Twitter relies little on looks — how many users actually post a headshot? — and more on wit. You can only send someone a direct message if they are following you, and assuming 140love.com has compatible folks auto-follow each other, you can start a private conversation immediately. But it seems the best way to go is to read their tweets, or visit their website if they list one, and reply flirtatiously or humorously to one of their messages, with the hopes that they will become interested in your personality.

At least with Twitter, you don’t have to deal with long emails stating, “I love walks on beach, fine wine and the theater [insert text that exceeds 140 characters].” In some respects, you can pretty quickly develop an impression of someone by their tweets — so you’re being judged by whom you retweet, sites or news stories you link to, whether your tweets are mundane or caustic or insightful.

Of course, if your back and forth replies start getting hot and heavy, it’s time to send a direct message. But what if, after all this twittering, you find in person that there’s no sexual attraction? The mind is an erotic organ, but a successful relationship usually requires a connection above the neck as well as below the waist.

My girlfriend of a year has moved to south carolina to college i work in new york. she been there about 3 weeks now but her texting and phone calls have really slowed down,and im worried she might be “talking” to someone we both agreed to try to make this work but my insecurities are telling all those new guys don’t care if she has a bf… the phone and texting is a alarming me what do you think that means????

joe,

Her reduced texts and calls could mean many things.

Starting college is an overwhelming experience, both socially and academically. She has to get acclimated to a new environment, where she is trying to find where she “fits in.” She has a whole bunch of new classes that demand more than was expected from her in high school.

And there are lots of guys — including guys who don’t care that she has a bf. She may very well be getting lots of attention. Whether it’s wanted or not, I don’t know. That really depends on how committed she is to making her relationship with you work.

The only true way to find out what’s going on is to ask her. You may not want to just come off as insecure about the relationship, as that’s not necessarily a turn-on. But it’s totally cool to talk about how relations between you two are shifting, now that you are both far away from each other and in vastly different environments.

Ultimately, you have to trust her. Just because she’s reaching out less does not mean she’s interested in another guy. But these things do happen, and you might get more out of her if you don’t confront her directly, as that could just put her on the defensive.

Have you considered “phone dates”? You could propose that since you’re both really busy, it might be good for the relationship if you scheduled times to talk, say, three times a week. If she resists, then maybe you should wonder.

~ Jeffrey

Ill try to make this short. I been with my current boyfriend for about 8 months an its kinda boring, we hardly go out now and we dont even talk on the phone, we text eachother. but now my ex want me back (He always did) our break up was dumb, an hes really funny. me an my ex went together for like 10 months an is ALOT sexier then my boyfriend. They are really different from eachother like”my boyfriend dosent want to have sex, my ex does. my ex doesnt have a job or car, my boyfriend does.my boyfriend is kinda shy my ex is not close to shy. there are things that i really like about my ex and things that i really like about my boyfriend. any advice?

Sally,

This seems like a no-brainer. You make your ex sound a hell of a lot more attractive. Yet, you’re writing me, so you must be feeling ambivalent.

This is your homework:

1. How was your breakup “dumb”? If you got back together, would you repeat the same problem?
2. What do you really like about your boyfriend? He doesn’t take you out, talk on the phone, make love to you. What are you getting out of the relationship?

Let me know in the comments section, and maybe I can help you out.

~ Jeffrey

I recently found out that my wife was texting another man? Apparently and from my investigation this had only occurred for about 2weeks or so?? She had been going out with her friends, and apparently she met this guy and they exchanged numbers. She claims that nothing occured, just plain texting?? ¶ What do I make of this, please give me your advise. ¶ She has never given me any other reasons to doubt her, this is the first time??

Pleasehelp,

What is “just plain texting?” It sounds like she’s saying, “We just talked. That’s it!” But let’s say — since you’re obviously concerned — they were flirting via SMS. She thought some guy was cute, they exchanged numbers, perhaps she wrote to him the next day, What R U up 2? and they proceeded to share tidbits of their day, or they joked around. Then, one or both of them realized after two weeks that this “thing” wasn’t going anywhere, so they stopped.

Her little “text affair” may be symptomatic of something missing in your marriage. Are the lines of communication open? Can she feel free to chat with you throughout the day? How is your sex life?

I see nothing wrong with harmless flirting outside the marriage, but there is cause for concern once it starts turning into a hidden, ongoing dialogue. It means that your wife has some “male need” that she’s not getting met at home.

On the other hand, maybe “just texting” means “just texting.” That is, no flirtation. She met someone interesting when she was out with her friends, and he just happened to be a guy, but there was no juice between them. Does your wife have straight guy friends? And if so, do you trust her with them?

People need contact, and not only is it unreasonable to expect that they get all their social needs met within a marriage, but maybe even hanging out with the “guys” or “girls” is inadequate. Perhaps extended contact with someone of the opposite gender is necessary for your wife, if only to remind her of why she’s still with you.

~ Jeffrey

About 4 months ago, I found out my ex boyfriend had cheated. Because we have been dating for 4 years (2 on, 1 off and then 2 more on) I felt that I needed to give him a chance, so I switched the relationship to open relationship and then things went down hill. 2 months ago we broke up. I loved him very much and I am having such a hard time getting over him. ¶ It seems that I am doing better and then I found out that he is moving in with the girl that he cheated on me with. I am in a way devastated. ¶ I have been trying to move on with my life with a “friend” but I couldn’t help fixating on my “friend” so I can forget about my ex. I don’t think its healthy. Now it has come to a point where I think I felt something more for my “friend” and I would like to see where it takes me… ¶ Is it fair or a good idea to be making that decision now? or should I wait until I am totally forgotten about my ex?

Amy,

It can be comforting to spend time with another man after a painful breakup. When a relationship ends, just the presence of another person can ameliorate the sense of longing you (and I mean the impersonal you) can feel towards an ex. The danger, of course, is that you transfer the affection you felt towards the ex onto a new person. It is an act of magic, of illusion, in which you make the new partner a beloved, out of proportion to your true feelings, because otherwise you would constantly be pining away for your ex.

The Consequences of a Rebound Relationship

One consequence of the rebound relationship is that you do not allow yourself time to truly grieve, because you are distracted. As long as you invest your psychic energy into a new relationship, you do give yourself the opportunity to direct this energy towards the creation of an ending, a recycling or breaking down of the image/memories of your ex. Think of it like tending to compost — you have to muck it around with a shovel so that what was formerly greens and potato peels can turn into fertile soil, ready to be reused. So if you don’t tend to your past, it doesn’t decompose. Your past relationship is a landfill rather than the humus which enables you to grow a healthy, new relationship. How can you learn from your mistakes, or burn off old karma, if your attention is elsewhere?

A second consequence of a rebound relationship is that it may be unfair to your new “friend.” If your feelings aren’t true, but rather based on projection or desperation to forget your ex — and you eventually come to realize that you don’t have strong feelings for your friend after all — then your truth-telling will only cause pain. And it is often the case that the rebound person is grateful for your affections because he knows that you usually wouldn’t be interested in him. That is, he takes what he gets while it’s hot.

However, maybe it’s all OK. Your feelings (and now I mean yours, Amy) may be authentic, and you may be in a budding relationship that will bring you fulfillment. In this case, find a confidant or psychotherapist with whom you can discuss your previous relationship. You were betrayed and then rejected in favor of another woman. It can be a blow to your self-esteem, and you may be feeling angry.

It is not really appropriate to deconstruct all this with your current guy. Even if he listens empathically, it’s just kinda icky. Share your ex stuff with a female friend, and if your new guy asks about whether you’re still in love with your ex, just be honest in a manner that’s not hurtful, like, “He hurt me bad, and it’s hard to get over, because I feel wounded. I’m afraid of being cheated on again. It makes it hard to trust.” Bring your fears into the present without focusing too much on your feelings about your ex. Then your new guy can reassure you that he will never betray you. And hopefully you’ve picked someone who stays true to his word.

~ Jeffrey

About 6 years ago my High School Sweetheart and I ran into each other at an event. We both knew that we still loved each other and it was ON!!!! I truly believe that this man is my soul mate - the Love of my Life!!!!! However, we just couldn’t make it happen, at that time I was still married and so was he. After some time I left my home and relationship because we planned to be together, but he had some issues with his daughter and his wife’s health - so we agreed that I would give him some time to get his things in order, we didn’t want to hurt anyone or cause embarrassment to his family or mine so we kept quiet about our plans. Anyway, we were deeply in love (or so I thought) then one dark day after having one of the best times we’ve ever had together I had an epiphany… it hit me that THIS was never going to change. Prior to that day, NO ONE not even you Jeffrey, could have told me that we would not be together today, much less that we would not be even speaking to each other. Things got ugly when I told him that I felt he was never gonna make any changes, and I didn’t want things to continue the way it was anymore. He said I was being a spoiled selfish brat and it was my lack of patience that caused all this hurt and pain we both are experiencing now. I guess my question is did I make the right decision even though it’s killing me???? I often wonder if I would have been a little more patient….??????

Juicy,

People tend to choose stasis over dramatic upheaval. We are creatures of habit, and to disrupt our home lives often brings stress. We usually don’t change unless our lives are really painful — and even then, some of the martyrs among us will put up with almost anything…

I don’t know how old your sweetheart’s daughter is, but if she’s a minor, he may be unwilling to break up his family. And since his wife is ill, he may feel obligated to be there for her. In essence, he has responsibilities to his loved ones.

How do you feel about having left your marriage for him, even though you are not together? It may have been for the best, if you were truly unhappy with your husband. This revived romance may have been the catalyst you needed to realize you had to shake up your life.

Intuition vs. Reactivity

Your epiphany may have been your “still, small voice” or it could have been the result of your impatience and anger about the fact that he was taking too long to leave his wife. If your realization felt authentic and embodied, then trust it — you made the right decision. If not, perhaps you could have given him the time he needed.

It’s possible he wanted to have his family and you, and that you simply recognized the bitter truth. What man doesn’t want security and sex? I’m generalizing here, but I think it’s true that a less-than-honest man has little incentive to leave what he’s got if he can have a love affair on the side.

~ Jeffrey

The man I love hasn’t spoken to me in seven months. We had a rocky relationship in which he shut me out several times. When we began to get friendly again, I was too angry and shut him out for a few months, refusing to speak to him and giving him a taste of his own medicine. Now, I would like us to talk again, but he won’t respond to any of my e-mails and has changed his phone number. I ran into him randomly and I could see that he was as shocked as I was. I think that he still cares, but I wonder if I’m being foolish. Is there anything I can do to resolve this situation?

flourish,

You need to let this go. There is too much ill will. If he’s not responding to you — and went so far as to change his phone number — it means he wants no contact with you.

Even if he cares, he’s also hurt. When he was available to you after shutting you out, you shut him out. You probably had every right to be angry after the way he treated you. But if he had regrets about the past when you got friendly again, any warmth he felt towards you was probably extinguished the moment you turned your back on him.

You’ve already emailed him. There’s no more you can do. If he wants contact, he will reach out to you.

Refusing to speak to someone is a way to exert power over them. But healing a rift between equals is not likely to happen under these circumstances. Instead, empower yourself by speaking about your pain and frustration. In the future (and with other men), it would be wise to communicate your anger directly.

~ Jeffrey

I have a friend of 12 yrs. We were friends prior to my marriage and now after my marriage. I knew he always liked me and I though he was ok, until towards the end of my marriage and I started to realize that he was the yin to my yang. He says he always knew from the time he laid eyes on me. We stimulate each other mentally, emotionally, and physically to high degree, but he has a long distance girlfriend he sees twice a year. During the end of my marriage, I finally decided to sleep with him and it was the best I ever had. I think it was because we had an emotional bond prior to sleeping together. Well, that gelled it for us. I thought once my marriage was dissolved we would be together, and that’s how he was saying it as well, but now, he is moving soooo slow, to the point where I think he might have changed his mind. He has not changed in his acts or his devotion but the girlfriend is still there and he does not visit me as much as I thought he would now that I’m free. He says there is no doubt I’m the one and has always been the one, but he cares about this girl too. ??HUH?? HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME AND CARE ABOUT SOME OTHER CHICK. I don’t know what to think or do at this point Jeff, I have said this to him many times and he still has done nothing to assure me, he wants me to wait for him as he waited for him. Another thing is that I am five yrs older than him with kids and not having any more, he has one and thinks he wants more, but says it’s ok he will love mine. PLEASE HELP [edited for clarity]

SANCLO,

Do not wait for your friend. Move on. I do not think he will break up with his long-distance girlfriend.

I believe it is possible for a man to love more than one woman at the same time. Perhaps he feels safer having a distant relationship with two women than to devote himself, with his whole heart, to one. He is many miles from his girlfriend, but he is far away from you as well.

He cannot ask you to wait for him as he waited for you. You were married. He is not. All he has to do is tell his girlfriend that he has fallen in love with another woman, and break up with her. No paperwork is required.

It does not sound like he is strong enough to make a decision and act on it. If he has two women who put up with his unwillingness to commit, then he has it easy. (And who knows if his long-distance girlfriend knows about you?) Do not make his love life easy for him. Tell him that if he does not break up with his long-distance girlfriend in three days, you will cut off all romantic and sexual ties with him, because you deserve a man who pays all his attention to you.

~ Jeffrey

one&only1 writes,

Do you think chatting and cyber sex is cheating, or a form of entertainment? No web cam, just a microphone and keyboard

one&only1,

For some there are many gradations of cheating, for others it’s black-and-white. It really depends upon whomever you think you might be cheating on.

There are many levels of engagement in a relationship: sexual, mental, emotional, spiritual. Cheating is usually defined as having sex with someone outside of your relationship. But what is sex? (Don’t ask Bill Clinton!) Sex is not just the erotic intermingling of bodies in the same physical space. If two consenting adults — separated by location — bring each other sexual pleasure, they are still having a connection. It’s just that they haven’t touched each other.

The problem is that the very concept of location has changed with advances in technology. For example, when readers comment on this blog, they are converging upon the same virtual location. The internet is a meeting place where more than one mind connects. And sex is, in some respects, a meeting of minds — it’s not just two bodies rubbing up against each other.

Come to think of it, time itself is not a constraint. If two people snail mail each other erotic letters, are they not having a form of sex? You could say that the Post Office is their internet — it just takes much longer to communicate.

I think cybersex is a form of infidelity. I don’t think it’s as “cheaty” as meeting up in a motel room, but you’re still getting it on with someone outside your relationship.

~ Jeffrey

Comment below: Is it cheating if you bring yourself to orgasm over a textual or voice interaction with someone outside of your relationship, and that person is not in the same physical location as yourself?

Do you need advice? Ask Jeffrey a Question.

I was once involved with this … woman and all she was doing was using me, for my money. She acts like she don’t want to be bothered unless i am upping her cash all the time. How do I control her to be in a decent relationship with her without her needing my money all the time!

Aquarian man,

You cannot control her. If she only “bothers” with you if you give her money, it means she does not respect you. You do not want to be with a woman like that.

Men are taught that their value lies in their ability to be caretakers. From the perspective of evolutionary psychology, a man who has a high earning potential can attract mates because he provides financial security. He then propagates his genes by choosing selective women who will bear his children.

This particular woman does not want to carry your baby.

But you’re probably not thinking that far ahead. You just want her attention. However, you get her time at a price. You may as well hire an escort, because a sex worker wouldn’t care any more for you than this woman.

You work hard for your money. Don’t waste your energy on someone who uses you.

~ Jeffrey