Love Biatch

Love stank

2005-10-19T21:44:00.000-07:00

Dear readers,

As I mentioned, I've started internet dating again. The difference this time, though, is the fact that I am not looking to get into a relationship. In fact, I am determined not to fall for anyone. Why would I avoid love you ask? Because I'm trying to decide if I want a job in NY, and getting confused about some new guy would only muck up the decision. So I'm dating to kill some time, but I don't expect it to lead anywhere. Can it be a coincidence then that I am doing better than ever with the fellas?

Men can smell desperation. They can smell our hopes and dreams of a white wedding and 2.5 kids as if it's a bad case of B.O. We don't like to admit it, but whether we think we are or not, we are projecting that little fantasy world into the ether, and they, hearkening back to their caveman ways, can sense it. That being said, when we aren't looking, is when the men always seem to come running.

Right now, I don't really care whether any of these internet guys call me back after the first date. And lo and behold, most of them are calling back. And yet, there have been a number of times this year when a guy I really liked didn't bother to call back. I have no doubt that it's my new laissez faire attitude that is keeping these guys interested. I'm in the moment rather than 20 steps ahead. And that "here and now" attitude is clearly more attractive to men than the subtle neediness I unwittingly project to them.

Now if I could just figure out how to keep this attitude once my career is all squared away and I am actually back on the market. Maybe I just have to bear in mind that my heart's been broken before and it'll likely get broken again. But there's always a new guy around the corner to intrigue me all over again, so there's no use getting ahead of myself with the one at hand.

Love,

Biatch

Love, business style

2005-10-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of making lists. I like to organize things in bullet point fashion - clear, concise and to the point. I suppose that's what an business education will do for you, right? That said, it's not always as simple as making a nice neat list. I recently tried my hand at internet dating again. Not so much because I was looking for love, but I was looking to kill sometime, and a bevy of blind dates are an easy and pleasant way of doing it (free drinks! conversation! the occasional good night kiss!)

Unlike previous attempts at internet dating, I've met not one, not two, but four guys I like in just a couple of weeks. Who knew killing time could be so fruitful? Obviously I can't keep this up for long because it either has to get more serious or end, and even I, a serial dater, can't balance 4 almost boyfriends. So today I tried to make some rank order lists.

The 4 guys are: the Welsh guy, the HR guy, the Annapolis guy and the Atlanta guy. First I did the easiest, rank ordered in descending hotness. Annapolis guy came out on top. Then rank ordered by earning potential, Welsh guy came out on top here. But the most important proved to be the hardest to do - rank ordered by personality. Obviously all the good looks and money in the world don't make for a great relationship if the personality is a total mismatch (I'm certain some of my LA neighbors beg to differ, but I'm a talker, I need someone who I enjoy talking with!) It turns out that right now the guys are in a pretty dead heat. I don't know them well enough yet to know whether or not I really like their personalities or if they were just on good first and second date behavior. As I've said before, even Ted Bundy seemed charming at first, so it takes a little while to really sort the whole personality thing out.

The funniest bit is that despite the fact that he doesn't come out on top of any of the lists yet, HR guy might just be my favorite. I suppose that just proves that unlike nearly everything else I deal with, my love life can't be figured out with some excel equations and a nifty PowerPoint presentation. =sum(looks, earning potential, personality^2)

Love,

Biatch

Heartbreaker?

2005-10-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

Dear readers,

My friend Jerry is a total catch. In fact he's so nice that I kick myself every time we hang out for not liking him liking him. He is kind, attentive, smart and does things like bring a girlfriend a cupcake when she's having a bad day. Given all of that, it's always educational for me when he tells me about his love life.

Last week, Jerry told me a story. He got set up on a Saturday night. The girl was nice enough but he had no interest in seeing her again so he simply never called. She called him on Thursday the following week to see what he was up to. He asked me what on earth he was supposed to do since he didn't want to see her again. Obviously my allegiance is to Jerry in this scenario but I can't help but feel bad for this poor oblivious girl! Of course she likes him, he's great...the sad bit is she has no idea that her call has elicited horror rather than delight from him. Wouldn't you just die to know that's the effect your call had?

So what's it all mean?

Even nice guys sometimes don't like you back. Regardless, it's ok to think he's a jerk for hurting your feelings.
If he doesn't call you, it's not because he lost his phone/got abducted by aliens/got really busy. It's because he didn't want to call you. Take the hint and don't make things worse by calling him. I know this and yet I can still convince myself that it might be ok to call him. Yes, sometimes I too am delusional.
There is no good way to tell someone you hardly know that you don't feel like getting to know them better. Just never calling them again is as good as any option. Some guys opt for the direct route and call to say they never want to see you again. It is nice to get closure rather than just never knowing what happened, but you only really get closure if the guy is willing to give you a post mortem on what went wrong. If they can't give you any specifics that you can use for future reference, then what's the use?
Truly nice guys at least have the decency to blow you off right away rather than sticking around long enough to sleep with you. He hurts your feelings but he doesn't waste your time or use you...not so bad now is it?

One day some lucky girl will snag Jerry, and she'll get treated like a princess. Until then, he's bound to break some hearts!

Love,

Biatch

When is it not enough?

2005-10-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

Dear readers,

On a recent episode of Grey's Anatomy, Meredith broke up with Dr. McDreamy saying, "it's not enough." That got me thinking. I have often found myself in an untenable situation. The guy isn't giving me what I want, and he likely never will. But still I persist. So where do I draw the line? When do I say, "it's not enough?"

It's so hard to know the difference between having unreasonable expectations and having perfectly reasonable ones that aren't being met because the guy is wrong for you. I think at our core, we know when it's not enough. It's sheer willfulness and naivete that leads us to think that it ever will be enough. I once dated a guy who lived in the valley, loved staying in, watching football and eating at chain restaurants. Even more importantly, he didn't intellectually challenge me or put any butterflies in my stomach. I knew that what he was offering me just wasn't enough. But still the relationship lingered on for a couple of months. He's sweet and successful and not dumb and sort of handsome, I told myself. Come on...is that really enough? In hindsight, it's obvious that it's not, but in the moment, I was actually able to reconcile that maybe, just maybe he could be a good guy to date.

At least in that case, he was a nice guy. He wasn't enough, but he wasn't a jerk. A guy my friend dated talked a big game about being crazy about her. She told him she wasn't interested in casual sex and was only interested in moving forward in the relationship if he wanted to be serious. "But of course," he says...until of course she does sleep with him. At which point he tells her that his definition of being a boyfriend doesn't particularly include calling her or seeing her often. So basically he's offering occasional sex and some conversation when and if he feels like it. Gee, great! That sure as hell isn't enough, and yet still she found herself a bit torn. Wouldn't occasional company be better than none at all? Well actually the tough but true answer is that no, it isn't enough and it's a waste of your time to pretend otherwise. That occasional company might make you feel better in the moment, but it's sure to leave you emptier later. And every minute you're with Mr. Not Enough is a moment you're not meeting Mr. More Than You'd Hoped For!

Now if I could just get those words, "it's not enough," to roll off my tongue as easily as they did on TV...

Love,

Biatch

Waiting Game

2005-09-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Biatch,

I met a great guy the other night and now I'm waiting for his call. It's killing me! How do I deal?

Lauren

Lauren,

Waiting for a call may be one of the worst parts of dating (and believe me I can come up with a lot of bad things about dating!) It's agony wondering will he or won't he. And unfortunately you can't make it happen. First and foremost, forget women's lib, you can't call him. If he wants to talk to you, he'll call. So all you can do is get on with your life and hope for the best. I know, I know...it's next to impossible to do. He seemed so great when you met him, right? So you think to yourself, of course he'll call. But then you remember all the times when you thought that about someone else and he didn't call...so now you're back to wondering if he'll call. Vicious circle, huh?

So here's what you do. Make plans with your girlfriends, read a good book, watch some TiVo...whatever it takes to keep you from obsessing. If he's as great as he seemed, he'll call. If he doesn't, try not to feel too bad, since realistically he didn't know you in the first place. I know that's easier said than done, so it's certainly ok to be pissed off at him for not being as great as you'd hoped.

For now they stay busy and stay hopeful. His time isn't up yet!

Love,

Biatch

Flaccid Willy Syndrome

2005-09-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Biatch,

I love my new boyfriend, I really do. But he has sexual problems and I'm getting a little worried about it. At first I thought it was just nerves, but it's a pretty regular thing. Is there something wrong with me or something I should do?

Miranda

Dear Miranda,

Yes, there is something you should do...run! Run like the wind, seriously. I'm assuming by sexual problems you mean flaccid willy syndrome and not some predilection for something that's only legal in Amsterdam. Look, if it's the first or second time your man can't get it up, no biggie (literally, ha!) You should be the patient girlfriend and don't make him feel guilty about it. I know it's our inclination to blame it on ourselves, but by doing so we actually just make him feel worse and make the situation even more stressful. You are a naked and willing woman, it's unlikely you're the problem. More likely he's stressed or nervous or tired or something of that variety. These things shouldn't be consistent though...he can't be stressed or nervous or tired all the time, right? So if his dangly bits regularly fail to rise to the occasion, then you have to wonder what's going on. If this is someone you've been with for ages and truly love in a deep abiding way, then talk to him about seeing a doctor and figuring out if it's medically or emotionally driven. If he won't go, be done with him.

But Miranda here said this is a new boyfriend. If you really think he's otherwise wonderful, you can give him the benefit of the doubt and forewarn him that the lack of sex is a problem for you, but I'm sure he would have fixed the problem already if he could have that easily. Life's too short not to get laid, especially by the man you love and are actually dating. Maybe he's on antidepressants? Maybe he has mommy issues. Maybe he can only get it up if you wear a chicken outfit. Who knows, who cares. Once you've given him a fair shot to discuss whatever is going on with you, there's nothing to do but move on.

A girl I know, let's call her Dove Ciatch, has faced this problem before, and let me tell you...no amount of patience or effort was enough to fix a truly sexually dysfunctional man. If it isn't a medical problem that can be addressed with treatment, then it is a psychological one, and that takes a lot of time, effort and a very willing man to fix. Unless he is perfection incarnate (and let's face it, what are the chances that Prince Charming has a limp dick?), then it just isn't worth your while. Tough love indeed.

Love,

Biatch

The passive aggressive breakup

2005-09-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Biatch,

I am sick of this guy I've been dating. He's a nice guy and all, but he drives me nuts. The thing is, I can't get up the nerve to break up with him. I hate hurting people's feelings, and I think I'm going to really catch him off guard by dumping him. I've been letting it drag on for a couple of weeks now, avoiding him as much as I can. When I do see him I don't even kiss him much anymore. What do I do?

Lexy

Dear Lexy,

This is what I like to call the passive aggressive breakup. You don't have the nerve to break up with him so you subtly mistreat him for long enough that he eventually gets the picture. Any man with a clue will see that he's about to get dumped, and he may just make it easier on you by just disappearing. In the best of all worlds, we should all grow a pair and break up with someone face to face as soon as we know it's over. Alas, this is not the best of all worlds (if it were I'd be married to Ewan McGregor), so the more assertive breakup doesn't always happen.

I like to think that the average man likes getting dumped even less than the average girl does. Wounded male pride is a bitch ain't it? I'd love to know if men actually prefer to be dumped out right or if they'd rather just get the hint and leave on their own terms. The kindest thing is to pull the band-aid off quickly so he and you can both move on with your lives rather than drag out a bad thing. But I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to be a bit passive aggressive with it. Give him a week or two to get the idea that you aren't so into it anymore so that when you do pull the trigger he isn't totally caught off guard.

If you aren't kissing him anymore, surely he knows something is up. If I were him I'd be asking you what the problem is. If he asks, that's your chance to be honest with him. Don't lie and drag it out further. If he doesn't ask, well then he's being a bit passive himself. Don't let this passive aggressive stage last longer than a couple weeks. Any longer is just cruel and a big waste of time. Also, don't let passive aggressiveness turn into just plain meanness. It's on thing to not seem so interested in more, it's another to actually be rude to him. If you find yourself starting to snap at him or be cruel in hopes of him dumping you, that's not right. The entire purpose of the passive aggressive break up is to prepare him for you doing it later or get him to just mutually end things. It is not to be so awful to him that you push him away.

So Lexy, if you can get up the nerve, go ahead and break up with him ASAP. It sucks to hurt someone's feelings, but having to wonder what's going on is probably pretty painful for him too. It sounds like you've already had your passive aggressive grace period, he likely knows what's coming. So get it over with sooner rather than later!

Love,

Biatch

Getting screwed

2005-09-07T23:10:00.000-07:00

An excerpt from a comment posted on the site:

I was engaged to a woman who I thought was my princess. She lives in Manila, and I live in Hawaii. I saw her every 2 months for 18 months. Then I quit a very high paying management position and moved to Bangkok to start a business to be closer to her. I gave her everything, but I was not buying her love. I brought her to Bangkok twice and things didn't feel right. I asked her many times if there was a problem and told her she could tell me anything, but she claimed everything was fine.

I went to Manila in July and left to come back to Maui on the 28th. On the 8th of this month, I received an anonymous email telling me about her real life with another guy. It included dates and places, more then I wanted to know. I finally got in touch with her the next day, and she finally admitted the truth. She said we would talk later that night, but I received an email from her wishing me good luck, and that was it. I never found out who where when why. In the end, she took the money I'd given her for our wedding to live with someone else.

Do the words "I love you" really mean anything? We said it till the day I left. She had my trust, freedom, love, understanding, commitment, everything she ever desired. How could this have happened?

Tom

Dear Tom,

It sounds like you got taken for a ride. There are jerks and then there are JERKs. The former is your run of the mill person who stomps on your feelings a bit. The latter is the kind of person who is so scummy that she not only lives a double life, but also has the nerve to steal your money to be someone else. Unfortunately, people like this are good at manipulating and lying, so it may be impossible to decipher fact from fiction.

A couple signs you're being screwed over

Is the relationship lopsided? If you're the one putting in all the effort (moving, spending tons of money, changing jobs, etc), something is wrong. Good relationships may not be perfectly balanced, but they don't require you to do all the hard work.
Have you caught her in lies before? Lying gets easier the more you do it. If you catch someone in a lie, bear in mind that they'll only be getting better at it next time around.
If you know something is clearly wrong and your sig-O refuses to admit it, don't feel like you're the crazy one. If you really know in your heart of hearts that something is off, you're probably right. Be very wary if things feel "off" for too long...the ax will fall sooner or later.

Tom, it sounds like you treated her well. This isn't necessarily about whether you did everything perfectly or not. She clearly had ulterior motives and she took advantage of your kindness. Being kind simply can't guarantee you someone's love or even reciprocal kindness.

The words "I love you" can mean something profound. But they are also just words, and sadly people can say them without meaning them. My favorite song when I was a kid was a rock ballad called "More than Words." In that song, the singer talks about saying "I love you" isn't enough, you have to show that you love the person. Now I'm pretty sure he's actually using that as justification to get laid, but the sentiment is right. Love is something you show in your every day behavior. The words alone are not enough because clearly a JERK can say them pretty convincingly if she wants to.

Be strong...I know you feel awful now. It'll take time, but you won't feel this bad forever. Next time, be a bit more careful with your heart (and your money) and make the next woman really earn your trust and love.

Love,

Biatch

Making my skin crawl

2005-09-06T21:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a relationship can go from pretty good to oh my lord I'm going to vomit if he comes near me in no time flat. I tend to give new guys the benefit of the doubt. I'll meet a guy, I'll be not so sure of him but "gee he seems nice, I should give him a shot." And then bam! He makes my skin crawl.

I dated Frank for a few weeks. In hindsight, I knew all along that we didn't have much to say to each other. But at the beginning, sheer chemistry and his obvious affection for me were enough. It's hard not to like someone who adores you, isn't it?

At first I knew it wasn't going anywhere, but it was fun. Good enough, right? Then I went through a week or two where I got a bit confused by all of his affection, and I started thinking maybe, just maybe it could work. I think a lot of women are so eager to be loved and to love back that we can mistake being loved for loving back. Of course that little illusion was bound to come crashing down sooner or later, so I shouldn't have been surprised when it did.

Frank was gone on vacation for a couple of weeks. When he left I was fairly happy with him, but then I had 2 weeks to think about how my life was just fine without him. When he got back the mere idea of kissing him was yak inducing, and yet he still adored me just the same as he had 2 weeks prior.

So what happened? My good friend Olivia likes to say "The body never lies" And it's true. Eventually my body realizes the truth even if my brain takes a while to catch up. Nothing really changed between Frank and I during those two weeks, but my body finally decided to send me a message.

Some mental notes for next time...

Don't mistake someone loving you for loving him back.
It's ok to be swept up in the first blushes of love, but don't stop using your head. If you don't have anything to say to each other, the chemistry will wear thin sooner rather than later.
Listen to your body. If it tells you that you don't want to come near a guy, it's probably for a good reason.
People get their hearts broken all the time. A lot of those people are perfectly nice and did nothing to deserve it. It doesn't mean you have to love them back. But you do have to be nice and try to do right by them (easier said than done).

Love,

Biatch

AWOL

2005-08-30T23:09:00.000-07:00

The Love Biatch apologizes for being AWOL this week. Unfortunately she has to work a "real" job that pays for things like the chocolate and pedicures she loves so much. As such she is currently trapped working ungodly hours. She doesn't even have time for her typical 2 hours of agonizing over her love life a day. It turns out she prefers thinking about her love life to sitting in a soulless office, but unfortunately the love live thing doesn't pay the bills. The work stuff is even getting in the way of the 4 dates she has lined up this week. Damn the man! Doesn't he understand that she wants to marry him not crunch numbers for him?! The Love Biatch promises she will update the site with lots of new material as soon as she gets through this rather painful patch at work.

A shoulder to cry on (but not yours)

2005-08-23T22:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Biatch,

My ex has been calling me lately. I love being friends with him because I miss having him in my life, but the thing is he wants to talk about his other ex girlfriend to me. I didn't date him that long, but he dated this other girl for years, so I understand that's he's hurting, and I want to be there for him, but I feel weird listening to him talk about someone he obviously cared about more than me. What should I do?

Jacinda

Jacinda,

I know it can be hard to really break all ties with a guy when you break up with him. Being friends can feel nice, but initially that's only because it keeps you from having to face the fact that they are done with you. Look I think you can be friends with an ex eventually, but what you're describing here isn't the right kind of friendship.

You want to be friends with an ex? Talk about your mutual hobbies, sports, weather, TV...whatever. But his dating life is off limits, at least until a significant period of time has passed and there really are NO residual feelings left. It sounds to me like you still really care for him, and not just in a friendly way. Given that, it's essential that you get yourself out of this position. You're his ex, not Dr. Joyce.

Cut the ties for now...tell him you really do want to be friends but more time needs to pass before you're ready. If you absolutely can't do that, then at least tell him you can't talk to him about his other ex. It's simply too tragic for you to have to console someone about something while actually hiding your own hurt feelings. Who's gonna console you, Jacinda?

It's really insensitive of him to even think you might want to offer him love advice. Maybe he doesn't realize it, but if you tell him to stop, then he should be pretty contrite pretty fast if he's actually a good guy. Surely he has another shoulder to cry on besides yours?

Love,

Biatch

8,760 Hours of My Life

2005-08-23T21:54:00.000-07:00

Hindsight is 20-20 right? Years from now when I am happily married (a girl can dream, right?), I'll look back at the time in my life before I met my husband, and I'll think...what the hell did I waste so much time bitching and moaning about finding a man for?

I estimate I spend at least 2 hours a day lamenting my lack o' man. Sometimes it's in the form of complaining to friends, other times it's spent mentally plotting how to find him, other times it's spent wondering what I think of my current beau. Regardless, it's a primary focus of my mind every day. Let's say I meet Mr. Right at 30. That means if we assume I started the serious boyfriend hunt around say 18, I spent 8,760 hours thinking about finding/keeping a man. That's a year! A full year of my life wasted.

If somehow I could have known that I'd eventually find HIM, just think what I could have done during those 8,760 hours! Finally take those tennis/photography/pottery/salsa/Spanish classes I've been meaning to take! Finally read the classics or at least put a dent in my zillion book wish list on Amazon! Exercise enough to bounce a quarter off my flat, flat stomach! Get 9 hours of sleep a night!

But alas, it's only in hindsight that I'll know that all of those hours spent agonizing over my love life were a waste. Until then, those are valuable hours spent plotting and venting, and I simply can't resist the urge to discuss my angst with my friends. But perhaps it's time to at least cut that 2 hour daily angst dose down to say an hour? That way I could at least squeeze in a salsa class or two...

Love,

Biatch

On friends and love

2005-08-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

Our friends play an important role in helping us manage our love lives. They tell us when we're freaking out over nothing, they let us blubber all over them when we get dumped, they celebrate our successes. But not every friend knows how to say the right thing at the right time when it comes to love. Some major friendship sins:

Self absorption. Some people really can't see past their own nose. This kind of behavior is always annoying, but it can be bearable if life is running smoothly and you're just having fun. But a self absorbed friend is the WORST when it comes to helping you through a rough patch. I was once telling a friend about my recent breakup and how disappointed I was about it. Now if this was something I'd been whining about for weeks, I'd understand if my friends eventually tuned me out, but this was a fresh wound and I was telling my friend about it for the first time. I was literally in mid-sentence as I explained what had happened, and my friend interrupted me to say, "oh did I mention I am helping my mom buy a new car?" Wha??? Last time I checked that had nothing to do with my heartache, and it could have waited for me to at least finish my sentence. Unless your eyeballs are bleeding, I don't want to hear about it within the first 10 minutes I am telling you about how I am heartbroken!
Lack of empathy. Some people just never learned how to walk in another's shoes. When it comes to empathizing with your pain, this friend always says the wrong thing because she just doesn't "get" where you're coming from. If you think something is the worst thing in the world, it's ok for someone to say that it'll get better, it's not ok for them to say it's no big deal. If nothing else, your pain is real to you. A friend appreciates that.
Letting us be self destructive. Any friend worth a damn will tell you the cold hard truth when it comes to something truly important. If you're dating a run of the mill jerk, it's probably better that she keeps her opinion to herself, but if you're dating someone emotionally or physically abusive or someone who is otherwise fundamentally crap, then it's a friend's job to speak the truths that you're too afraid to admit.
Saying too much too soon. Friends can end up in the doghouse if they say anything too bad about our sig-o's. The fact of the matter is, if the couple gets back together, your friend won't look so kindly on harsh words spoken about him...even if she was saying far worse! It's always a safer bet to save our most vitriolic criticisms until we are damn sure he's gone for good.
She makes it about her. I once had a friend who could take any scenario and somehow turn it into something about her. I'd be crying about a breakup and she'd liken it to a breakup she once had, which was soooooo much worse. Next thing you know, I was comforting her over some 5 year old wound!

So be a good friend - listen, empathize, speak out when it's important and stay mum when it isn't...and for God's sake don't mention your mom's new car!

Love,

Biatch

A Fizzling L-Bomb

2005-08-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

Dear readers,

I want to be loved as much as the next girl (perhaps even more to be quite honest!) But proclamations of love can make me nervous, particularly when they come too soon. Typically when I date someone, getting him to announce his love is a long and arduous process, chock full of vague and sometimes not-so-vague hinting around the topic. Usually by the time he tells me he loves me, I am overjoyed and all too happy to return the favor. But what about in those rare instances when it comes before I'm ready. I'm a woman, aren't I always ready? It turns out that sometimes I'm actually a little slower on the draw when it comes to feelings of love.

There are few things in life more awkward than dead silence following the dropping of an L-Bomb. Time stops and possibilities race through your head. Say it back even though you don't mean it? Downgrade it to a "I like you, too?" Explain how you feel? Or just stone cold silence? I was the recipient of an L-Bomb after 3 weeks of dating. I adored this guy, I really did. But I was simply not ready to utter those words. And so I said nothing. This poor guy who was doing something good, right? And instead of being rewarded, he was probably humiliated. In the end, it would have been unfair to say it back if I didn't really mean it. Telling someone you love them is a promise of sorts. A promise of a future together, of deep felt, enduring feelings. Lying would be unfair to both of us.

So what is the right response? I'm not sure there is one. It's never going to feel good to have your love unrequited. That's why I think it's so important to be careful when you dole out your "I love you's". Probably the best response is to explain that you really do like him but you aren't ready to say those words yet, but when it happens unexpectedly, it can be hard to find those words.

Personally, I don't actually ever say it until my boyfriend has said it first. Not because I don't feel it, but because I know myself enough to know that I would NOT handle it well to have my L-bomb languish out in space. And I can imagine few ways to drive a man away faster than to tell him you love him too soon. And if you do drop your bomb prematurely? Try not to be too heartbroken...it doesn't mean it'll never be returned, it just means you might have to wait for your loved one to catch up a bit.

As for me, it's nice to know I'm loved even if it scares the bejeezus out of me!

Love,

Biatch

Just friends

2005-08-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Biatch,

Hi, it's Delia again. So remember that guy J I was seeing? Well now he and I are just friends. I know you think I shouldn't see him anymore, but I'm so drawn to him! I think we're out of the woods now anyway...I mean I don't have any expectations about dating him, so why can't I just enjoy his company? I'm still single and looking, but I want J in my life. Is that a bad idea?

Delia

Delia, Delia, Delia. Yes it's bad! Look, ex's can make great friends. In fact one of my ex's is one of my best friends in the world. That said, this is no typical ex. This is J, the guy who chewed up your heart, spit it out, doused it in gasoline and lit it on fire. Have you forgotten? I certainly haven't.

If you want to be friends with an ex, it's essential that you do not still harbor feelings for him. If you do, then you are not really friends, you are just biding your time until 1) you make a move on him again 2) you give up on him 3) he realizes he was wrong and he loves you. As long as you are in the midst of that process, you are not truly open to other emotional opportunities and you are most definitely not getting over him. As you say, you are "drawn" to J. That's a very dangerous recipe for friendship. He may be fascinating to talk to, but as long as he's in your life, can you really get past the heartache and confusion he caused you?

Also, do you really want to be friends with someone who treated you like crap? If your good buddy the Love Biatch treated you so badly would you be so quick to forgive? We often demand so much more of our friends than we do our lovers, and that simply does not make sense. If someone is regularly seeing you both emotionally and physically naked, they should at the minimum treat you with respect. As I recall, respect was not J's strongsuit.

I don't care what his excuses are for his treatment of you, it's not enough. If he were to ever actually apologize in a way commensurate with the amount of pain he caused you, then just maybe I'd be willing to concede that he's not an evil being. But even then my first point still remains. It's not healthy for you to be friends with him because he's still nawing at something raw and emotional deep inside of you.

If by some miracle you wake up one day and 1) you are 100% confident that you only like him as a friend and are in no way "drawn" to him 2) he has apologized fully and is truly contrite about his former bastard behavior, then sure be friends with him. Until that day, though, it's better to cut bait and move on. There will be other interesting men to meet, but you won't find them as long as you're tied up with this mess.

Love,

Biatch

e-dumping

2005-08-11T22:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

Modern technology is wonderful in so many ways. A day without email or instant messaging is simply unbearable. And no one would argue that it hasn't changed the way we communicate. Now sharing your thoughts is only a key stroke away.

So what has it done for dating? Well it's obviously made it a helluva lot easier to meet people via dating sites. It has also enabled a whole new way of flirting...coy emails, text messages and IM's are much less threatening than actual face to face contact.

But of course there's a dark side to technology and dating. No one enjoys hurting someone else's feelings...or maybe some do, but no one likes actually having to deal with the emotional fall-out face to face. And no one can throw something at you our cuss you out if you are safely ensconced in cyber space. And thus the advent of the e-dumping.

From: Y
Subject: RE: Breakup
Date: Fri, 12 Aug 2005 10:39:16 -0700

Dear X,

It's just not working out. I hope you understand.

-Y

Now I'm ashamed to admit, I too have fallen prey to the deceptive ease of the e-dumping. I'd been on 2 dates with a guy and had no interest in seeing him for the 3rd date I'd already agreed to. Since we'd had so little interaction in the first place, and the whole relationship had only been a week, I figured an email was easier for everyone. I mean, why would he want to actually listen to me say I wasn't interested? Wouldn't it just be less embarrassing for him if he could nurse his wounded ego in front of the glow of the monitor instead of right in front of me?

But here's the thing. I've been e-dumped twice now, and let me tell you it's insulting and it sucks in a profound sort of way. First off, you can't control when the dumpee actually reads the email, so it can come at an inopportune time, like say 9 am on a work day. Who wants to deal with the shock of being dumped in front of all of their coworkers with a full day still ahead of them? Cruel, just cruel! Secondly, it doesn't allow for any reaction on the dumpee's part (which admittedly is much of the allure of the e-dumping for the dumper). But that's just not fair. If you've been dating someone long enough to feel obligated to notify them that you won't be seeing them again, then at least make yourself available for reaction.

When I got e-dumped, I just wanted to understand why. But text on a screen can't answer that for me. And so my choice was suck it up and take the email at face value or call him. Neither is a particularly appealing option, and it could have been made easier if I could have just asked him immediately what he was thinking. Maybe some really would prefer to be e-dumped because it's much less awkward, but not me. I'm not sure how you're supposed to know if someone is e-dumpable, but until you can determine that, it's just poor form to do it. Next time, grow a pair and call the poor sucker.

Love,

Biatch

P.S. To the guy I e-dumped...I'm sorry. Karma's a bitch and I know that now. I for one will not be e-dumping again.

Sixth Sense

2005-08-11T22:31:00.000-07:00

Dear readers,

I've talked about instincts before...and how usually women hope for the best from men and therefore are blind to reality. But there' s another side to it. Sometimes we see the writing on the wall...we know we're about to get tossed to the curb...and yet it's hard to believe.

I was dating a guy recently, let's call him Mark. Mark seemed like just what I've been looking for. Smart, funny, successful, warm. And as far as I know, he really is all of those things. I'll never really know, though, because he dumped me rather unceremoniously via email after a few dates. Here's the strange thing, though. Despite the fact that each of our 3 dates really was fantastic, and our second date even included a lovely bouquet of flowers, I somehow KNEW it was going to be over soon. Call it a dating sixth sense. I can't pin point a single real sign that he wasn't as into me as I hoped, and yet I can't say I'm surprised that it ended almost as fast as it began.

The problem with trusting this sixth sense is that it's the job of your family and friends to convince you that you're being ridiculous when you speculate about these feelings. "I just feel like something bad is going to happen," I said. "He didn't email today, and he usually does, maybe something changed?"

"Don't be silly," everyone says in chorus. "He clearly likes you. He just introduced you to his friends last night. He just gave you flowers. He writes you ever day. He must just be busy. Don't be such a pessimist." And no matter how many times my sixth sense has been proven right, I don't listen to it because I don't want to be a pessimist, and I do want to believe that I am just being silly.

So what is there to do about this? How do you draw the line between a real instinct for what's going on and needless pessimism? First, I think it's important to really listen to your instincts. If you really, truly feel it in your bones that something is wrong, it probably is. Even if your only signal is a day without an email or a call or a shorter than usual kiss goodnight. I can look and hindsight and see that there is a difference between the feeling I had just previous to being e-dumped by Mark and the feeling I get when I'm just winding myself up about someone. The key will be learning to tell the difference!

Second, perhaps sometimes it is wise not to tell absolutely everything to our confidants. It is their job after all to be optimistic for us. And sometimes optimism isn't really what we need. Instead we need a dose of cold, hard reality. Maybe if we let it percolate a little more in our own minds, without the sunny optimism of outside influences, we'll see things as they really are. As friends, maybe it's our job to occasionally just listen and agree with what our friend's gut is telling her.

In the end it doesn't really matter if we trust our instincts in these scenarios or not. Regardless of whether I was expecting the e-dumping wouldn't have stopped it from happening. But I suppose it at least would have kept me from being so hopeful in the first place. And maybe, just maybe, one day it'll help me avoid these situations all together. Or better yet preemptively dump the guy...via email of course!

Love,

Biatch

Disrespecting

2005-08-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

Dear readers,

A guy friend of mine once told me about his theory on how to make someone really like you. He said you have to "disrespect" them because everyone secretly wants to be mistreated. Now this is an interesting theory. At first glance, it can't possibly be right can it? We bitch and moan endlessly about being mistreated. We don't secretly like it do we?

Let's look at the evidence:

Women love a bad boy. Just look at the success of Tommy Lee, Colin Farrell and Russell Crowe. Somehow I doubt they're showering the ladies in their life with roses and love sonnets. More likely, there's some serious disrespecting going on (i.e. illicit sex videos, spousal abuse, cheating).
We get turned off if someone is "too into us." I know so many girls who cringe if a boy gives them flowers, compliments them too much, or even actually calls when he says he's going to.
We let men string us along for years. They don't call when they say they will, we wait by the phone. They dump us, we take them back. They cheat on us, we forgive them.

Now obviously there's a part of all of us that does want to be treated well. We wouldn't spend countless hours reading things like He's Just Not That Into You or whining to our girlfriends if we didn't really want to be happy. So maybe it's time to stop wanting to be disrespected. Maybe, just maybe we wouldn't get disrespected so much if we didn't reward that behavior.

My friend Samantha always dated bad boys. And surprise surprise, they never treated her very well. A few months back, she met a guy. He liked her and treated her like a princess from the start, nothing over the top, but still sweet and consistent. She knew she had a good guy on her hands, so for once she fought her natural urges and gave the good guy a chance. And guess what...they're happy and in love, and now she can't remember why she ever wanted to those bad guys in the first place. I'm just saying...

Love,

Biatch

Dynasty moment

2005-08-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Biatch,

I was seeing this guy Mike, who I met on-line, for a couple of months, and we were pretty serious. The only thing that was bugging me was that I could see that he was still going on the website where I met him. Is there a good reason he could still be going on there? I can't really think of one, but I'm trying to! So I decided to confront him the other day about it, and I drove over to his place at about 10 pm. When I got there we started talking about it, and I decided to go get a glass of water before we went any further. Well lo and behold, there was a girl hiding in the kitchen!!! Needless to say, I walked back out and slapped him and told him to f*** off. What the hell?

Ginny

Dear Ginny,

Some thoughts on where it all went wrong:

There is NO good reason for a man you are dating seriously to be on the prowl on internet dating sites. None, nada, zip. I'm sure your girlfriends can come up with excuses - like maybe he's just bored at work or perhaps he's just reading what people have written him but not replying. They mean well, but they're just trying to keep you from freaking out. In the end, if he's looking at dating websites, he's not taking you quite as seriously as you are taking him.
This might be a controversial perspective, but here goes...You are NEVER exclusive until you've both said so. I think a lot of people, hopeless romantics foremost among them, like to assume exclusivity after say X number of dates or having sex for the first time. Unfortunately as long as there are loopholes, people will jump through them. If you want to be exclusive, it needs to be overtly communicated. At least that way, if you catch your guy with another girl, he can't claim he didn't realize he wasn't allowed to date other people. It's not a romantic perspective, but hey I'm an MBA, what do you expect?
Sometimes we all need to have our Dynasty moments. Those are the times when you do something a bit over-the-top, something Joan Collins would be proud of. I prefer to throw wine on someone since it's less physically violent and more dramatic (and long lasting!) Yes, of course it's poor form, and it doesn't solve anything, but man oh man do you feel better afterwards. The key is to not cross the line into psycho ex territory. It's a fine line indeed, so be careful when unleashing your inner Carrington.
Hiding a girl in your kitchen is just dumb. At least try to keep your girlfriend out of the kitchen if there is another woman hiding in there. I'd recommend under the bed as a better hiding place.
If you are the girl hiding in the kitchen, you have to wonder "what has my life come to?" Do you really want to be with a guy who is cheating on his girlfriend? At least he could have the cojones to stand his ground and own up to cheating. Having to hide is just plain embarrassing.

Love,

Biatch

Love Bloat

2005-08-07T22:18:00.000-07:00

Eating one piece of chocolate is delicious, but too many and you have a stomach ache. Love can be like that, too. Some guys are so romantic and intense. From the moment they meet you, they are smitten. At first, it's like that first bite of chocolate. You are so used to being ill-treated that such great treatment seems too good to be true. You revel in the compliments, over the top as they may be, and you luxuriate in the long, loving glances they send your way. But once the initial thrill of being so adored wears off, the too much of a good thing "stomach ache" begins to kick in. You begin to wonder if you really like him or just the attention he lavishes on you. You begin to cringe when he doles out his sweet nothings. When taken to the extreme, you begin to actually mistreat him (much as you have been mistreated in the past) just to see if you can get away with it, or better yet drive him away. You've got romance bloat, and it ain't pretty.

So what can you take away from all of this?

Savor the thrill. The initial rush of romance is often the best part, and may not be followed by anything real. So enjoy it while it lasts!
True adoration has to be earned. If it comes too easily, it's often unappreciated.
Remember the golden rule, the next time you are about to mistreat a guy who adores you, remember how crap it feels to be treated like that by someone you like.
Try to slow things down. Mr. Romance might actually turn out to be great, and not as gag inducing as you would expect. Just give him time to settle down a bit, and see what develops.
A man who really likes you IS going to treat you well. So don't become one of those girls who can't stand it when guys are romantic. I know lots of women who can't stand it when men give them flowers because it makes them feel for lack of a better word "icky." You deserve flowers, so don't let your stomach get turned too easily.

Love,

Biatch

To cook or not to cook?

2005-08-05T18:20:00.000-07:00

My blind date and I were talking about manual labor recently, and I was joking about how I avoid it at all costs. The bartender chimes in, "if you don't cook and clean, no man is ever going to want you. You'll be 38 and wondering why you're alone, and it'll be because you don't cook."

Whoa? When did it come to this? Should I rush out and take some classes right this moment? Where does one even purchase an apron these days - I don't recall seeing them at Bloomingdales?!

I was pretty offended by what the bartender said, not because I'm a feminist, and not because I'm actually afraid of being 38 and eating takeout alone and wondering where it all went wrong. No, I was offended because where on earth does a fricking hourly worker get off shoving his opinion down my throat (during a date no less!)? What makes him think he knows anything about me? Worse yet, does he not realize that 38 is over a decade away? Is my eye cream not working?

So should I be worried? I take comfort in knowing there are lots of men out there who like to cook, or better yet like to eat out. The key is to find one of them. Or at least find one who likes tortellini, chili or grilled cheese (the 3 things I cook).

If a guy is looking for little Suzy homemaker, alas, it ain't me. More power to the girl who can provide that and bring in six figures and maintain her slim figure and chase around the rugrats. With me, he'll have to settle for 2 or 3 out of 4. I'm pretty realistic about what I have to offer. Good career prospects? Check. Witty banter? Hell yeah. Successful beauty regiment? So I've been told. Passionate? But of course. But a good cook? Sorry that's where I take a pass. I'm willing to try to learn, but I simply cannot foresee a day when I'll want to cook an elaborate meal every night. If that's enough of a deal breaker for a guy, then c'est la vie, but I have a hard time believing the 35 year old guy tending bar is the authority on what all men, particularly the men I'd like (i.e. not him) want.

It would have been all to easy to believe what that guy had to say, but where would that leave me? Grumpy and standing over a stove! Perhaps the bartender just didn't realize how fast my dialing fingers and how vast my takeout menu collection are?

Love,

Biatch

PS... Hey bartender, you know what else I don't do? Paint the walls, change the oil, mow the lawn or sew. I'm pretty sure I can hire someone to do those things for me if push comes to shove. Looking for a dayjob?

Buffer Boy

2005-08-04T19:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Biatch,

I am crazy about this guy Chris I just started dating. I have another guy Mark who keeps asking me out, and he seems pretty cool, but I don't see the point in going out with him. I call Chris a lot and do things like pick him up little things I see that remind me of him. I know I'm supposed to play hard to get, but I just can't. Am I screwing things up?

Candace

Dear Candace,

Unfortunately your version of being sweet to Chris, might just be coming off as overbearing and worse yet, nutso. You said it yourself, you're "crazy" about him! Allow me to introduce you to a wonderful concept you seem to be missing out on:

Buffer Boy buff-er boi n.
A boy who provides a buffer between you and object of your affection and/or obsession.

Mark sounds like an excellent candidate for a buffer boy role. If you are busy seeing Mark, who by your own account is cool, then you aren't busy coming on too strong with Chris.

Look, I am not saying you have to follow the "Rules" and pretend to be something you're not. I'm just saying you're not doing yourself any favors when you call him too much or give him gifts for no reason. You just haven't been with him long enough to merit that. If he doesn't feel like he earned your sweetness, he's less likely to appreciate it.

I'm also not saying to use Mark. But if you like him well enough and you aren't making false promises to him, there's no harm in having a little fun hanging out with him. And the buffer he provides might be just enough to keep you from pushing Chris away!

5 ways to drive a man away in no time flat:

Start calling him baby names. You might get away with Schnookie and Poopsie Pie once he already loves you, but it's more likely to inspire his gag reflex than affection early on.
Call him all the time or just show up on his doorstep frequently. Can you say stalker?
Tell him you want to have his babies.
Unload all your baggage on him. Ultimately he's gotta accept you warts and all, but at the beginning, let him still think you're perfect.
Drop the L-Bomb.

Love,

Biatch

Missing that certain something

2005-08-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Biatch,

I met this guy Nathan a month ago. At first it was wonderful...he was so sweet and thoughtful, and he seemed to really like me. Then out of nowhere he starts acting a little weird last week. I call him just to chat and try to feel him out for if something is wrong. It started out great, but then he tells me, "I think you're really great, but I just feel like something is missing. I'm looking to get married, and I just think I'd know by now if you were the one." What??? It had only been a month, and as far as I knew, it was going great. How could he know so fast, and how could he feel so differently from me? I think if he'd given me a shot, he would have realized there was "something" there.

Love,

Olivia

Dear Olivia, Unfortunately, there's no convincing a guy there is "something" there if he doesn't feel it on his own. Here'
s the deal, women, particularly the older they get, tend to be really hopeful that the next guy might be The ONE. Got a good job? Check. Cute enough? Check. Doesn't treat me like crap? Check. If he ticks off enough boxes, and we like kissing him well enough, we thinking to ourselves, "This could be the ONE!" Obviously, though, every half way decent guy can't be the ONE, or else we all would have gotten married and lived happily ever after long ago. So obviously our initial evaluations leave a little something to be desired.

Given women's profound optimism, our instincts are simply not to be trusted sometimes. That said, we should actually trust the man's instincts in this scenario. If he thinks you aren't the woman he'd want to marry, well then Olivia, no matter what you think, you aren't the woman he should marry. In fact, he's doing you a favor by cutting you loose instead of dragging you along while him hems and haws over whether he likes you or not. Do you actually want to marry a man who isn't sure he wants to marry you? Would you be happy knowing you had to cajole someone into thinking you're great?

Painful as it is to be rejected by anyone, it's better to trust that his instincts are a bit more finely tuned than yours. Men cut us a lot less slack at the beginning, and it's probably for the best that they make such quick judgments. Personally I don't think you have to know you're going to marry someone to want to get to know them better, but if that's how he thinks, then you have to accept that about him.

The flip side of this is that if a woman ever has the instinct that the guy is wrong for her, then for the love of all that's holy, RUN! We're the eternal optimists, so if we actually think the guy is wrong, then what on earth are we waiting for?

So Olivia, I know it hurts to be dumped, and it's OK to grieve the end of something you thought had potential. But try to remember that just because it has the makings of a good relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean that it is a good relationship. You'll find a man one day who thinks you've got "something" in spades, and you'll realize Nathan was right.

Love,

Biatch

Finding love in your bunny slippers (aka the secrets to internet dating)

2005-07-31T10:01:00.000-07:00

Nowadays it seems just about everyone and their brothers are on-line dating. Looking for love from the safety of your own living room certainly requires less energy. Does it get any easier than reading people's stats and even beginning your flirtation all without ever taking off your favorite bunny slippers? That said, the internet dating world has its own particular challenges and is like everything in love, complicated. So below are a few observations and tips I've gleaned from my own internet dating experiments...

At least 9 out of 10 internet dates lead nowhere, so be prepared to invest quite a bit of time if you're serious about it. If you wanted, internet dating could provide you with dates every night of the week (and I've had friends who could cram more than one into a weekend day!), but just don't expect most of those to be very good. If you set your expectations too high, you will invariably be disappointed.
Because most dates are utterly useless, be careful about where you go on the first date. Coffee or drinks is best because you can quickly extricate yourself if he turns out to be 100 pounds heavier than his photo or have halitosis that could kill a small animal. I once left a coffee date after a mere 15 minutes when he revealed the "job" he'd bragged about on email was actually just a part time gig helping out his uncle while he looked for real work and that his house in the valley was also inhabited and owned by his parents. Ugh! Save dinner for second dates when you already know if they're worth investing 2 hours with.
No matter how attractive the photos you see, you can never know if you are going to actually find the person physically appealing until you see them. The pics could be old or the person could just be amazingly photographic. Heading into my first internet date ever, I was so excited because he seemed so interesting and handsome, but 30 seconds into the date I already knew I wasn't attracted to him. Somehow the picture just did him too much justice! An important note: I am dubious of any professionally taken photo that is simply too perfect. I mean how many doctors and accountants really have six packs and a set of headshots?
Remember that many dating sites are fairly transparent. That means that everyone can see what you're up to on there - like when you last logged in, if you've clicked on someone's profile, etc. That said, if you are dating someone, don't forget that they can see that you are still trolling around for dates. I have a friend who was driven crazy by the fact that the guy she was dating was still logging on 5 times a day. Obviously not a good sign!
Pick the right site. There are all kinds of sites these days, so make sure you pick one that is well tailored to you. Some sites like eharmony do elaborate personality testing to match you with the right person, but then don't let you narrow the geographic search very much. So if you're someone like me who thinks the Inland Empire and Long Beach might as well be foreign countries, avoid sites like these. Other sites like say nerve and craigslist have a more sexual bent, while at a jdate you have a fairly homogeneous pool. Pick wisely and you are far more likely to find people to your liking. Browse the site a bit before buying in...I've checked out several sites only to see that there was nary an attractive man in site.
Don't forget that people you know will see you on there. People seem to forget that their friends, neighbors and coworkers are all online dating, too, which means that they can see your carefully crafted profile just like everyone else can. So don't lie, and don't say anything embarrassing, and certainly don't think you can get away with cheating on your significant other on a site. My friend was dating a guy from one site. When we ran into him one night, it turned out I actually knew him through friends. I also happened to know he had a girlfriend. How that guy thought he could keep anyone who knew him from seeing him on a major dating site, I'm not sure! My aunt is on another site. She received a letter from a man and thought he looked familiar. A little research reminded her why...he was her friend's husband (present tense!) and was in fact a decade older than he claimed to be! Not only is it just cruel to cheat like this, but it's just plain stupid.

So happy internet surfing, readers! For all of the challenges of online dating, it is an effective way to meet people who have something in common with you, which is more than I can say for every cocktail infused evening out on the town.

Love,

Biatch

Cocktail Hour

2005-07-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

Like every good LA single girl, I am constantly trying to find new and exciting ways to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex. This includes very expensive facials, eye brow sculpting in Beverly Hills and a personal trainer. And of course I am on the constant quest for a way to eat tasty food and yet stay my lovely slim self. Now I'm not willing to give up the delights of chocolate or a tasty burger permanently, so I'm looking for more of a quick fix. I've tried it all - Atkins (lasted a week, lost 5 pounds), the Zone Home Delivery (lasted a month and lost 0 pounds but cheated quite a bit), Slimfast (worked like a charm, but tell me, how many fricking chocolate shakes can one girl drink and not go insane?)

So here's the problem, every diet out there requires no alcohol for at least 2 weeks. I am a single woman in Los Angeles and thus giving up alcohol is obviously IMPOSSIBLE. I try to explain this to my personal trainer who is determined for me to go on South Beach, which of course requires no alcohol, but he doesn't doesn't understand. How is a girl supposed to date without the benefit of the odd cocktail?

First of all, there's the hunt for the man, which more often than not takes place at a bar or a party. Somehow being on the prowl at the latest LA hotspot loses its luster without a cocktail (how can I deny the delicious pleasures of a Shikomi cocktail at Geisha House or a simple G&T at Tropicana Bar?) Not to mention accepting a drink from a guy is all part of the dating ritual. If that drink is a diet coke, he (wrongly) assumes you are not fun. Believe me, I'm fun, cocktail or not, but new fellas don't realize.

Second of all, what's a lovely first or second date dinner without some wine? If I turn down wine when he offers, that means he can't get a bottle either, and where are we then? Staring across a table each other, disappointment in the air!

And of course if you don't drink during the dating ritual, you inevitably get the question WHY you aren't drinking. And ladies, let me tell you, admitting you are dieting wins you NO points with guys. First off, it somehow implies that perhaps you are overweight (he thinks it even if his own eyes tell him you're not!). I'm sure you know this is not a thought you want in his head. And of course it somehow suggests you are high maintenance or vain (which you are of course, but that shouldn't be revealed just yet!).

So ladies of the world unite. Don't listen to those silly diet gurus when they say you can't drink! My guess is that all the people who create these diets are A) Married B) Very, very old. Thus they clearly don't understand the perils of being a single woman! And I'd rather be happily dating and imbibing than movie star skinny anyway!

Love,

Biatch

PS...if you don't drink, please write in to explain to me how your dating ritual works?!? Me and the South Beach diet people would like to know.