Love Central 1O1

A burden after miscarriage

2008-10-13T12:53:00.000-07:00

Question:
My husband and I received the wonderful news 4 weeks ago that we were expecting our first child. I was overjoyed! We had been trying for children for over three years, and after one early miscarriage which put a huge amount of pressure on our relationship and a short separation to clear our heads, we finally got pregnant. I didn't feel right from the start. I refused to believe this was actually happening and wouldn't get excited over it, despite my friends' and families' obvious happiness for us both. I had been down this route before, and it broke my heart when it was all taken away from me. We were scheduled for our first scan two weeks ago, and I think at this point I was starting to come round to the idea and it was becoming more real to me. When the ultrasound nurse said the words, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat," my world collapsed again. We visited the hospital the following day, and decided on the natural way to handle the miscarriage, and we returned home to wait for nature to take its course. I'm currently off work, waiting for everything to get back to normal. I feel so alone. My husband is trying to help me, but I'm so moody. I just can't help myself. Anything he says, I end up screaming and crying at him. These awful mood swings have become part of daily life at the moment. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I look in the mirror and just hate everything I see there. I've gained some weight over the last few months and feel disgusting. I don't understand these feelings or know how to deal with them. All I want to do is stay inside away from people, because when I've been out to the shops I feel like people are staring at me and laughing. My self-esteem is at an all time low and I don't seem to be able to say or do anything right. I've read all the information the hospital gave me about miscarriage and I know how common it is but it's so painful and I really don't know what to do. I'm so unhappy and sick of being a burden on people.

Answer:
My sympathies. Miscarriage isn't just physically painful, it also triggers hormonal upsets which can distort thinking and make the emotional turmoil so much worse. While information can help you understand the process, nobody who hasn't had a miscarriage can really understand what it's like. And you're an individual, not just a statistic. Your pain is real to you because you're the one going through it.

That key word is through. You have to go through it to get to the haven of the other side. Recovering physically and emotionally from miscarriage is a process that takes time. For you to recover, it also needs for you to give yourself permission to let go of grief and self-loathing and move on to acceptance.In the meantime, here are some thoughts which I hope will help you along your journey to recovery. You'll know best what, if any, of it applies to you.Most women who have miscarriages experience a crushing sense of failure. They can feel like they're not proper women, and can only be proper women if they have healthy children. It's understandable, but it's a thought distortion. Having flu doesn't mean you're not a proper woman, does it? No more does having a miscarriage. That's a very hard thought to get your head round but it's true.
Right now you're probably experiencing two things: anger at me for saying this, and anger at yourself for having had the miscarriages. I'm sorry if you found what I said confrontational. People hang onto anger and self-blame out of an unconscious desire to punish themselves so they don't do it again. It's an unconscious wish to believe that if only we did something different we could get a different outcome, somehow protect our baby better and magically either make it come back or have a straightforward pregnancy and birth next time. But it's like punishing yourself for catching flu-germs.

The anger towards yourself comes out as guilt and self-recrimination. That's why you've found it hard to look at yourself in the mirror, and why you've been experiencing low self-esteem. It can also be that because we don't know what to do with this uncomfortable anger, and because we're annoyed with people who haven't suffered as we have, that we spill the anger out on them, often for their well-meaning but uncomprehending efforts to help. Does this make sense to you?

I'm not just talking theoretically. I too have had miscarriage and I do know what it's like. And I know recovery is possible because I have made a recovery. That doesn't make me better than you, or mean that my suffering wasn't as great. It simply means i've completed the journey you're only just starting out on. I'm not being smug. I do genuinely feel for you in your pain and wish you healing.

Letting go of guilt, anger and grief doesn't mean you don't care. It doesn't mean you're heartless or inadequate. You are not defined by motherhood. You're a woman and a wife with people who love you and like you. You're lovable and likable. You're a colleague, a worker with skills and experience. You're a friend who's been there for others and who's entitled to the support of your friends. You are a proper woman. And this moment doesn't define you either. OK, so you've put on a bit of weight. That could be partly hormonal, partly comfort-eating and maybe partly to punish yourself. Do you despise others who are going through a chubby phase? I hope not! When you're ready, you'll do something about it.
I'm glad you wrote in. I hope you'll find some comfort and that you will complete your journey to healing, I wish you all the best. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck.

Schizophrenic partner

2008-10-13T11:43:00.000-07:00

Answer:
I am 20 and have a young daughter and I've recently split up from her father. I'm having such a hard time dealing with it all. I love him so much but he has so many problems such as borderline schizophrenia and he just gets so angry at me. I have spent the last 3 years of my life dealing with his moods and making allowances but it has got worse and worse. He is so angry. Every other day I find myself begging him to stop shouting at me and he just won't listen. I don't know what to do, and to be honest, the only reason why I'm still around is because of my daughter. I've been on anti-depressants for over a year but I still sit all day crying and hurt. I just don't know what to do, how to make the pain stop, and I've tried everything I can think of to get him to listen to me and I can't get away from it because I have to see him every other day. I don't want to be here any more. I need help.

Question:
I feel for you. It can be very, very hard being in relationship with someone with a mental illness. However much you've loved the good things about him, however many allowances you've made, the fact remains that he's not in control of his thinking, his moods and behaviour. Whatever you do or say to try to get him to listen, he's not able to process that, calm down and respond rationally. Are you willing now to stop banging your head against a brick wall? You could suggest he sees his doctor and gets counselling (if you think it's safe for you to say that either directly to him or one of his relatives - if not, see his doctor) but you can't fix him and you can't make him seek help. That's not because there's anything wrong with you, it's because of his condition. Holding onto the thought that you can make him see things differently is just setting yourself up for further heartache.

What you've been through constitutes abuse. The trouble with living with a person who's not rational is that it's easy to get sucked into their distorted view of the world. For example, if he's criticised you or blamed you for things, you might start believing that those things are your fault. The fact that you've felt so wounded and so helpless is a proof of that. So what can you do?

Firstly I hope you'll go back to your doctor and talk things through. Antidepressants are only a part of the solution. The other parts are keeping away from him unless he seeks further treatment, and finding some counselling for yourself. Is there someone else who can safely stay with your daughter when he comes to visit? t may be that you'd do well to arrange supervised access between him and your daughter via some expert.
Wish you all the best.

My girlfriend is suffocating me!!!

2008-10-03T09:06:00.000-07:00

Question:
My girlfriend is suffocating me!! She rings me for hours every night and puts a guilt trip on me if she can't, She wants to spend every minute with me. I've told her how I feel and that I don't think we should talk for hours every night but she is not taking it nicely. She says that I don't love her as much as she loves me, which isn't the case!!! I just need some space, but if I tell her that she thinks I don't like spending time with her. What should I do? Please help me!
Thanks.

Answer:
Poor you!!! Isn't it horrible being trapped and smothered like this? If you say how you feel, she offers you emotional blackmail and tries to make you feel guilty. She says this is how you offer good love - but she's wrong. Good love doesn't consume your whole life. That would be vampirism in my opinion. Good love acknowledges that each of you is your own individual self with your own individual life and that you have a relationship which you share as one aspect of your life. Everybody has their own balance between the need for space and the need for closeness. However much you love each other, unless you can both reach a compromise with which you're both pretty satisfied, your relationship isn't going to last long enough.So it's best to finish it as amicably as possible. Then you'll each be free to find someone whose needs match your own.

Why not invite your girlfriend to read your letter with its declaration of love and this answer? Then you can both talk about what you want and what you're willing to offer. If you can, you could be the wind beneath each other's wings, helping each other to flourish and coming happily back to the haven of each other's love. I wish her more confidence so her neediness doesn't smother you or any future boyfriends, and I wish you contentment and peace of mind.

FaceBook ruined my marriage

2008-09-30T01:18:00.001-07:00

Question:
Please help me, i am sitting here with my heart broken and i dont know what to do. My husband has told me Its Over - as he was always playing on his playstation,i decided to set up a profile on facebook - i did and got into contact with old school freinds and it kept me going, guys who i went to school with messaged me - only as freinds but i said hi and what i was up to but thats about it, it was the girly chats i enjoyed. Anyway,my husband's friend told him about my profile and that i had guys on there and he has flipped,we had a massive argument and he says he doesnt want me anymore - i took my ring off in temper and he took it away saying i cant have it back!! I love him but hate how are marriage has turned into something sour, we have money worries coming out of our ears and he is always stressed from working hard - we dont go out and his release is the playstation but he is ALWAYS on it.. i really dont think i was doing anything wrong, i was just so bored otherwise. I have no interest in any other guys, my husband hasnt made me happy in a long while but i know we would be fine without all these money worries.. sometimes i hate him but i am now terrified that this is it - he says he is sleeping in the spare room and he does, he says he has had enough. I want everything to go back to how it was when we first met, hes now acting cold and distant, i cant go on like this i really am at breaking point - please help me!! The thing is i wouldnt like it if he had women on his facebook either but i can honestly say this was all innocent!!

Answer:
I feel so sad for you ...
It is tempting to take off your wedding ring when you feel as hurt as you do from his reaction.
It's easy for me to say he's over-reacting but I think when he calms down he will have time to reflect and realize the bigger picture. People do really stupid stuff when they are very hurt or feel someone has stepped into their territory.
The stress that both of you are under makes it necessary for both of you to throw yourselves into a distraction to take your minds off your concerns. This is important that the both of you can have some kind of diversion. The problem starts to arise when the diversions no matter how innocent they are causes the two of you to spend too much time away from each other.

You need to make an appointment to talk to your husband. Yeah, but you have to be very CALM and very LOVING, you need to explain to him how you feel and why you did it. You will have to apologize to him for what you did and for your behavior, then give him a chance to "vent" his feelings and his frustration and probably hurt.Ask him to talk to you about his feelings of how this has hurt him.Listen to his feelings.He needs to talk to you of how he feels so you can reassure him it was innocent and that if you thought it would have caused him any pain you would never have done it.Let him know that you are reasonable and willing to accommodate his wishes...unless he is clear what makes him feel secure or insecure how will you ever know...talk talk talk.

It's natural to hate someone you love when you are emotionally involved with them . . it's just human nature . . don't feel bad about this. It comes and goes like a phase. People don't usually talk about hating someone they love because we've been led to believe it's wrong to have this sort of feeling.

I always say it's the one who wants it most is the one who will be doing all the work.
Money problems Sort them out.Be kind and gentle with yourself along the way as you are going to need to be the strong one... you can do it!!

Find someone who you could go to who will give you a big hug and listen to you . . this really helps even if they only listen. Make sure you go to someone who is positive and encouraging for saving your marriage. Don't let a misunderstanding break your marriage apart.

Best wishes!

Mom wants me have an abortion.

2008-09-27T02:48:00.000-07:00

Question:
I'm only 16 and recently fell pregnant. It sounds stupid but I was happy when the positive results came back and I love my boyfriend a lot. My mom was calm when I told her but she doesn't want me to keep it at all. My boyfriend keeps dropping hints for me to abort it as well.

I feel alone, like I'm the only person who wants to keep a life that's been created. I know I'm young and abortion would be a good choice but I can't go through with it. I sit and cry every night because I'm so scared to get rid of the little life inside me. Am I the only one who cares about killing a life? I knew my mom wouldn't be there. She never was and never will be. She was never there for my sister either. I need help desperately as my mom has booked the abortion for next week. I'm scared to go through with it. Please help.

Answer:
I'm sorry that you're in such distress. You are the only person, though, who has the right to decide whether or not you'll have the abortion. It would be a good idea for you to contact a good doctor for an appoitnment as soon as possible so that you can discuss your options with someone who will understand and will show you how to handle the consequences of your decision.There are ways of finding a place to live and a way to support you and your child, if that's the decision you make.

I'm sorry you don't feel supported by your mother. She is probably looking at all the possible drawbacks for you and may well have your best interests at heart, though it may not seem like it. Bringing up kids isn't easy, but there are plenty of girls of 16 and younger who have made a good job of it. Your boyfriend may not want you to have the baby either but he has a legal and moral obligation towards the child.

In the meantime, it's worth knowing that if you stick to your guns and find other means of support, you and your baby have every chance of turning out just fine.So think hard,its your decision and you'll have to go through it,I wish you courage and happiness.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

50 would die for 17???

2008-09-25T01:38:00.000-07:00

Question:
Hi...I'm 50 years old and for the last 13 months have been seeing a young 17 year old girl. I don't know how it happened but we just fell in love. I don't know what's on her mind now but she seems to forget I am around. She says she loves me and wants me, but I know she's seeing someone else, I can prove it. But I don't want to lose her. I am madly in love with her like I have never loved anyone before. I love her enough to die for her. It may end up that way if I lose her. It has been the happiest year of my entire life. I don't know what to do any more!!!
Dave.

Answer:
Dear Dave,
Loving someone desperately keeps you on an emotional roller-coaster, doesn't it? The highs, the lows, the feeling that without her you are incomplete and have nothing to live for just make you want to cling on tighter. Passionate and involving it may be - but is it healthy?? Being willing to die for someone is no sign of good love. It would ruin her life as well as yours and would accomplish nothing. Loving someone means you want the best for them, and how could your death be good for her? Being willing to live is much better for you and for this girl you say you love.

Take the honey and leave the vinegar. In other words, cherish the wonderful memories you have. Use them as signs that you've learned to love more deeply than ever before, be happier than you could before, signs that you're lovable, worthwhile and fun. Spend time with her while she's willing, but at other times be up for investing in yourself. Make new friends, take up new interests, find ways of nurturing yourself. Because now you can love more deeply and build greater intimacy, you can increasingly use those skills with people who are available to you practically and emotionally, people who are at a similar stage in life and have similar interests and goals. As you widen your life and date around, you'll weed out people who don't want what you want or can't love in ways you like.

Because you know already that this girl has one foot outside the relationship. Trying to force her to stay would only damage what you've had. You are lovable.
Take care of yourself. Good luck.

Attracted to one of my Student

2008-09-20T03:51:00.000-07:00

Question:
I am a university lecturer teaching adult learners (18+ age). The problem is that I have become very attracted to one of my students. The is an advertising course and the student in question is very talented and very motivated. He works with me a great deal and we also text each other, often until 2am, and chat via myspace every day. Primarily we talk about the work and advertising in general, but also other things. we have both acted as sounding boards for respective problems and we get on extremely well.

We have been working late, often until 10- 11pm and saturdays until about 8pm. On a recent educational visit to New York this student knocked on my bedroom door at about 10.30 at night and we ended up going for a walk until 3.30am. I crave talking to him and the contact we have. Nothing untoward has happened, although I have told him that I feel we are spending too much time together as I am becoming very, very fond of him and can't bear to think of the summer break when I won't see
him. He brings me cuttings from magazines and newspapers he thinks I may like and has recently bought me a bottle of wine from a vinyard with special relevance to us both. I have asked him how he feels and he says he likes me and enjoys spending time with me.

I am 39 years old and sadly he is just 19. I am sure that I am falling in love with this boy, but does he feel the same?? We work well together, but really I feel that we are spending far too much time together for it just to be that. Often his sessions should finish at 12 noon, yet he will stay to work with me until 8pm.
What do you think?
Do you think there's more there than just him liking me as a friend?

Answer:
He may like you as more than just a friend; that's not the point. The problem is that first- since you are his teacher- there is an ethical issue here; it's not ethical for a teacher to get involved with a student, so you'd have to wait till he's finished your course or he has to find a different teacher. But that's not even your biggest problem. The real difficulty is the age gap in this particular case; a big age gap in a relationship (10+ yrs) can cause problems when it reflects a big difference in EXPERIENCE between the two parties involved (as is the case here).

Someone who's 19,has not had the same experience as someone who's in their late thirties. At your age, you've had enough experience to know when 'Mr Right' comes along. He hasn't had enough experience to know who his Ms. Right is- let alone settle down with her. So please be realistic about this, so you don't end up getting hurt. It's hard to fight feelings but you have to in this case- unless you are ready to accept that the chances of this turning into a lasting relationship are extremely slim.

If you'd been 49 and he'd been 29, it would have been much easier: He'd have been experienced enough to know what he wanted. But he's not ready to know and he'd only be fooling you- and himself- if he said otherwise. So, try to avoid spending so much time together and look for romance outside your professional life.

Good luck!!!

Fancy Girlfriend's Mother

2008-09-17T09:51:00.000-07:00

Question:
well.. i need help.. i am 18 years old and i really fancy my girlfriend's Mother!!! I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years now, on and off but her mother thinks i'm perfect for her.I've been trying to flirt with her mother for ages,she is hot and sometimes i think it works. The other day her mother picked me up and three of us went for shopping,on the way home we stopped off outside my house and somehow i started talking with her mother more rather than her. I felt i'll blurt out what i wanted to say for so long,about how i felt about her mother but didnt want to get rejected. I dont know how she feels and how i would spot what she feels. HELP!!!

Answer:
Right, The worst thing you could do is to Cheat on your girlfriend with anyone- let alone her own MOTHER.How would you feel if your girlfriend cheated on you with your dad? To be honest you are in a bit of a pickle because of your inclination towards someone who is old enough to be "YOUR" Mother.You are old enough to know Right from Wrong .But you have either strong feelings for the mother or you just think she is a little hot, anyway you have to forget about her mother and stay with your girlfriend or Simply...break up with your girlfriend , and then you dont see her mother on regular basis. You know it yourself that you can't go out with the mother, its wrong ethically,morally,legally,socially and religiously . You may not care about your girlfriend anymore- but after 3 long years together, you should have more loyalty than to want to destroy her family life because you could potentialy rip this family apart.

Control Everything

2008-09-16T04:58:00.000-07:00

Question:
I need some relationship advice.I've been in relationship with person for 4 yrs.He has to control everything, we can't even have Christmas this year because he said so. I can't do anything right, even if it is done the same way he does it. Last year our 1st anniversary he forgot it, the day after a holiday, kinda easy to remember.We haven't had relations in 1 year, we were so much into eachother before. He won't even look at me other then in a look that is like "oh your still here". He has used up all my money so now I have nothing and no way out, been looking for work but no one will hire me, as I'm not from his country.I really need help, I can't stay in a loveless relationship.

Answer:
Even if you're not from his country, you must have friends and family back home you can contact to help you or wire you money, so you make arrangements to return to your homeland- as that is what you must do. You could also try seeking an attorney's help to see what your legal rights are (after your family wires you money for help). There is always a way out; you must be brave. You can't stay with a man you don't love who controls and disrespects you.

If there's no way for you to work and make money in this country, then the only way for you is to go back home and forget him. Start a new life; you won't be sorry you did. Write your family now and leave him ASAP; you won't regret it. This was only one page of the book; soon you'll start a much brighter chapter. Have faith.

Happily Married

2008-09-14T03:28:00.000-07:00

Question:
I am a 36 year old happily married woman with 2 children.My husband is rich,educated,loving and a decent man who worships me.For the past four years i have been having an affair with my close friend`s husband.He swept me off my feets,but he is not as loving as my husband.I am attracted to him and can`t imagine life without him.When we fight he doesn`t call me for months and i get depressed.He has never given me a gift.He claims he doesn`t love his wife but showers her with expensive gifts.They are very lovey dovey in public and that hurts a lot.I have failed to figure him out.Last year i had an accident and everyone called except him.

Answer:
Sorry for Stating the obvious but you need to be told that you are not happily married because happily married people do not have affairs.You are carrying out a grand deception in which you are lying to the world and to yourself.But you realize there is a problem which is a step in the right direction.If you want things to change you need to absoultely end this affair right now,not the least because your lover is selfish and a user.In an ideal world you should come clean with your husband and deal with consequences.But the world is not ideal and you may decide against telling him.In that case you will have to live everyday for the rest of your life with the very heavy burden that threatens to spill over and destroy your life.If you secret leaks out,all hell will break loose.Distract yourself with anything-hobby,job,social life-then thank your stars that you are still married.Continuing on this path is not an option.

Mid Life Crisis

2008-09-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

Question:
I was hoping someone could answer a question for me… My boyfriend is 44 and is going through what some people call a male midlife crisis. He doesn’t know what he wants. One minute he wants a relationship, the next minute he doesn’t. He’s always sending mixed signals… Is there something we can do to help him through whatever this is he’s going through?

Answer:
A “midlife crisis” is actually a type of depression in which the individual does a mental and emotional review of their history and life. Their behavior may change and they may try to recover fantasies from their younger years — buying a sports car, that kind of thing. They may behave in a way that is unexpected for their history and personality. In a true midlife crisis, almost all aspects of his life will be affected and he will question his job/career, family, direction in life, his health, his accomplishments, and a variety of others concerns. If his only issue is the relationship, it’s not a midlife crisis — it’s a relationship crisis!
If it’s a relationship crisis, you should review his history on your own. Does he have a history of stable romantic relationships or has he jumped from one partner to another? Has he been recently divorced or been in a situation that would place him in the “still recovering stage”? Has your relationship with him reached a point where he’s actually hesitant to continue? Does he have a history of relationships that don’t get beyond a certain stage such as long-term planning or commitment? Has this relationship been at a stand-still for a long time?
If it’s a true midlife crisis, look for signs of depression (sleep problems, no energy, poor concentration, social withdrawal, etc.). If he’s depressed, recommend seeing a physician as a starter. If it’s a relationship crisis, ask him to consider counseling as a couple or individually. If he’s resistive to all attempts to help him, then it’s likely he is slowly fading out of the relationship and using a “midlife crisis” as the reason.