Love Coffee & Miss-matched Socks

What A Candle Taught Me

2020-07-09T16:33:00.000-10:00

So if you were to ask the following:
To my husband: if I light a candle every single day? ABSOLUTELY YES I HAVE A (borderline) ISSUE.
To my Clients: Does Mary Catherine use every chance to use an anecdote or metaphor at minimum twice per session? ABSOLUTELY YES SHE HAS A (borderline) ISSUE.

Well, today my friends, I'm going to share with you a personal anecdote about candles!

I was getting ready to hop in the shower and while I was diffusing oils in the living room (yes, I do both), I decided I wanted to light one of my favorite "MAN-dles" in our bedroom. (I like "manly"/"earthy" scents), I realized I couldn't find our long lighter and the candle is on it's last leg....

I search frantically for our emergency portable lighter and after much hunting, I find it.

I think AH-HAH! So I take my little baby hand and shove it down to wick and while it lights, even my abnormally-small-hands-for-a-grown-woman blocks the oxygen flow into the candle and it keeps going out when I remove my hand.

SHEESH.

I attempt this 3 or 4 times before I can start to feel my (already on edge/exhausted) self start to feel frustrated and I immediately think "this is AWESOME! (re: sarcasm) It's been a FULL day, a rough week, a trying month (I know, already?!), and for all of us I can safely say it's been a sucky year so far AND ALL I WANT IS THIS CANDLE TO LIGHT!" (as my dog cries for no reason as the background music).

So I stop. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS. I just have to get the timing perfect. I have the right tools (baby hands and fire).

So at this point I'm mad. But the good mad. The mad that I'm not going to shower until this gets resolved.

And guess what? Two attempts later...it lit and stayed lit.

And now, as I sit here writing this to you my friends, it is filling me not just with a comforting sense but a reminder that sometimes we just need to a)pause b)breathe c)access our tools d) set clear expectations/reasonable ones e) keep trying.

So that's it. What's your candle?

Note regarding "Fear of the Unknown"

2020-04-01T10:26:00.001-10:00

Here are the cliff notes from today's talk on my most requested topic, "FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN":

"Fear is based on our perception of what might happen in the future"

--Try listing 1-3 examples of times when you've phased something UNKNOWN in the past and coped successfully!

--ACKNOWLEDGE your fear and then set a "worry time" each day. Once the time is up, put the worry in a "box" until the next day and don't allow yourself to think about it.

--EMBRACE the world as it is today and remember feelings are not facts. (ie. "ok, we are in quarantine, that's a fact not based on my feelings)

--It takes CONSISTENT mindfulness to conquer spiraling thoughts. FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT and say "I'm not ok but I'm willingly to be ok" until you believe it.

--NOTICE when you are ESCALATING (ie. I'm going to be homeless!)

--What's something that brings you peace/grounds you?

Rest.

2020-01-06T09:07:00.000-10:00

One of my favorite features of Facebook is the "On This Day" Memories feature, I look forward to it every day. Some days it's fun to see how far the Lord has brought me, sometimes it's cringy to see stupid posts and sometimes it hard to see the hard times but they bring me to reflect on highs and faithfulness.

Recently, I saw where last year I asked the Lord for a word to declare regarding 2019 and I believe strongly that I heard the word "deliverance". My heart sank. I didn't feel I'd experienced deliverance. My initial reaction was that 2019 had more lows than highs. 2019 felt dark and like a blur. It felt lonely and like a fog of hopelessness that would only briefly lift every once in a while.

I was irritated. Had I been lied to? Had I been failed?

I felt weary of God. And then I felt shame that I felt that way.

So what was the deal? As I went down the rabbit hole of studying the word deliverance, I came across two ideas that stuck with me:

1. the idea of deliverance to mean cleansing

2. the idea of deliverance referring to 'to free'

Are we told we will be completely cleansed? Nope. It's a cleans-ING, suggesting on going. It's active. To free suggest active, ongoing, rather than to say "be freed". There's a difference.

Was I completely "cleansed"? No.

Had a I spent the year cleansing whether it be through trying various medications and switching to some intense therapy? Yes. Had it been spent identifying deep wounds and trigger points and spiritual ties? Yes. I had been taking inventory. I had been cleansing.

Was I completely free? HA! No.

But was I moving in that direction? Yes! Part of the "to free" is to figure out what keeps you bound whether spiritually, emotionally, mentally or otherwise.

So had I been failed?

NO.

In 2 Kings 4, we see a woman who is struggling financially, reach out to the Prophet Elijah to ask for assistance to address outstanding debt and his response to her was "what do you have in your house?" (vs. 2) .

What is my point?

So often, I think we focuses on what we don't have or what we haven't accomplished rather than what we do. When we view life through the lens of shame, we will see failure and lack.

2019, was still deliverance because I was progressing.

My word for 2020 is "rest". Which seems funny to me because I slept an awful lot in 2019. But I wasn't resting but rather I was in a constant state of worry and panic that left me paralyzed and it felt like my only escape was to sleep (when I could slow the racing thoughts enough).

I did not rest with others.

I did not rest in the present.

I did not rest in contentment.

I rested in shame that I wasn't doing enough. That I wasn't "getting better".

I slept out of desperation to escape which wasn't resting at all.

So friends, find your rest and be kind to yourselves.

What do you have?

Suicide & Assumptions

2018-08-29T03:49:00.003-10:00

Suicide. It's a taboo topic especially in religious circles but we've got to start talking about it. WE HAVE TO because lives are at stake.

This past week a Pastor from California committed suicide just three weeks after returning to his congregation following a sabbatical meant to address his mental health. I posted an article about this a friend of mine commented that this incident had shaken her faith because if a Pastor couldn't "defeat" mental illness than how could anyone else?

Her comment has been heavy on my heart for the past few days because how many times do we have expectations of certain people or people groups in thinking that they should somehow be exempt from mental illness or suicidality? It's in this thinking that the problem lives.

Assumptions. We make assumptions about people lives. We make assumptions about how they are handling certain struggles or how they will handle certain challenges in the future. Assumptions are dangerous but what's a more dangerous thought pattern is when we put expectations on people that cause them to live on a pedestal in our minds.

I think my friend brought to light the root of this issues, that we often think only certain people struggle and others don't or can't.

Recently, I had someone approach me and tell me that my life on social media looks so fun. I told my husband about this and we laughed but I also wanted to cry because this person has no idea what I'm actually walking through but are making an assumption based on the limited information I share online. They have no idea I'm in counseling or that I've had thoughts of self harm in the past. They have no idea what my husband and I have been walking through physically. Simple put, they have no idea. I don't fault this person, I just found it an interesting statement that further sheds light on our tendency as humans to make assumptions.

What assumptions are you making that are potentially detrimental to you right now? What narrative have you made up in your mind about the people around you that is causing you to feel poorly about yourself?

I once heard a quote that stated "there are a thousand different versions of you in peoples' minds". What a concept that people are walking around making up narratives about you just like you are about them.

We have to stop this narrative that anyone is exempt from suicidal ideations. I once had a supervisor say "everyone has suicidal thoughts at some point in their life, some just have them stick". And that's true.

Stop making assumptions.

Stop comparing.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

*text "START" to 741-741 to text a live counselor 24/7

When your season is hard

2018-07-20T04:16:00.003-10:00

I'd love to say that I'm writing this because I've emerged from this tough season, but that would be a lie. I'm in the thick of it.

There are seasons in life that we go through that are wearying and that feel like we're barely trudging through thick mud. It's in these seasons that the only sustenance that sustains you is reminding yourself of the faithfulness of God that you've seen in the past. And at times, even that doesn't feel like enough.

About 7 years ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis and while it was a relief to have a diagnosis for what I'd been battling since puberty, having a diagnosis doesn't necessarily fix the challenge. This condition has caused unbearable painful menstrual cycles that have often left me either out of work or at Urgent Care. In April I finally had surgery to clean out as much of the disease that could be taken out without leaving me unable to have children. Last week I started the 6 month journey of monthly injections that puts my body into menopause in hopes that the disease will stop growing enough for us to be able to conceive.

This along with my existing digestive issues has caused me to feel overwhelmed and quite weary.

When you deal with a chronic issue, it can be easy to begin to despise your body. Why is all of this happening to me? How'd I get chosen to battle these conditions? It causes you to have to examine every part of your lifestyle and make changes accordingly and it's exhausting.

Not to mention the added pressure to try to conceive much sooner than we anticipated and the lingering anxiety that I won't be able to .

My favorite story in the Bible is the children of Israel and the story of their rescue from slavery. For some time, these people cried out to God to be delivered from a tyrant and He did. But as soon as they were delivered they began to doubt His goodness when faced with the Red Sea. They began to wonder if they'd been delivered from slavery only to die at the hands of a raging ocean as they saw Pharaoh and his arming approaching. (Exodus 14)

Have you ever felt like this? I have.

The children of Israel doubted that the same God who just delivered them from Pharaoh would then turn around and let them die at Pharaoh's hand. They doubted the goodness of God. I'd even venture to say that they thought He was some kind of trickster or cruel being who would torture them with freedom only to have them die once delivered.

Earlier this week as I was vomiting from pain, I began to cry because I felt so weary. Then I remembered 14 years ago when I was laying on the hospital floor interceding for my life after an ulcer in my intestines burst. I was delivered then.

I also remembered when a former ex threatened to slit my throat but I was delivered then.

I will be delivered now. It just may not be how or when I prefer it to be. The children of Israel were delivered by a staff being stretched out that caused the seas to part. I'm sure they didn't see that coming.

I don't know when this season will end but I know the way I'll be sustained is to reflect on the times in my life when He has been faithful and to remember that above all things He is good even when it doesn't feel like it.

"For His lovingkindness prevails over us [and we triumph and overcome through Him], and the truth of the Lord endures forever" (Psalm 117:22)

Whatever season you're in today, be encouraged.

A Year Ago I Had My First Panic Attack...

2018-03-13T08:07:00.000-10:00

A year ago this month, I had my first panic attack not knowing it would change the next year of my life.

I'm a therapist so I've worked with my fair share of individuals with anxiety or panic disorder. However, had you told me that there would be a time when I had a panic attack in the middle of the state fair or there were days when showering was all the effort I could muster I would not have believed you.

Approximately a year ago this month I had my first panic attack while leading worship and I had no idea what was going on. My body felt hot and cold at the same time, my heart was racing, my limbs were tingly and I felt like I was going to die. It wasn't until I mentioned this to a co-worker that she said "Mary Catherine, you just had a panic attack" and sure enough what I experienced was text book.

In September I began seeing a Psychiatry NP who began me on medications where side effects were almost more unbearable compared to what I was experiencing through mental illness. But I wanted to get better so I stuck with it.

My anxiety began to grow fairly rapidly; one day I was just anxious about leading worship and the next thing I knew I was compulsively checking for my keys while on vacation or being afraid to drive. The darkest time was over Christmas break when I had two weeks off from work because that's when I had so much free time that I started to drown in anxiety. I struggled to shower or even let our dog out let alone be a fully present wife. I was anxious ALL OF THE TIME, like physically shaky and literally afraid ALL OF THE TIME. I stopped leading worship, I didn't attend any holiday parties and I cried a lot because I couldn't make myself interact with the outside world.

There were people in my life that didn't understand and that's OK because the didn't have to because I knew what I was facing was real. But not just real, it was an assault on my life.

Right before Christmas was when I knew something had to give. I wasn't functioning. I was forcing myself to eat one meal a day and for the first time in my life I had this strange urge to self harm. THIS was what scared me the most because that's just not in my nature.

So I did three things:

I went to my NP, bawling, and told her something had to change. So we changed my medication.

I let my close circle of people in my life in on my suffering.

I worshiped even when it was exhausting and I felt abandoned by God.

I wish I could tell you that I spent time in the word and blasted worship music and all of the sudden got better. Well, it didn't happen like that. I've been walking through a dark and difficult 6-is months and have had to put in the work to get better. Finding the right combinations of medication, forcing myself to sit in the sun because Vitamin D, exercising, attending therapy, weeping in Word for some morsel of truth and pushing myself to be vulnerable with people.

Psalm 13:5 (AMP version) says

"But I have trusted and relied on and been confident in Your loving kindness and faithfulness"

Sometimes we are very quickly delivered from the fire and sometimes we are in the fire so we are forced to rely on Him.

Suffering is hard and it's different for every person. But hold tight to His promises because He's been faithful in the past which is encouragement that He hasn't left you now to die.

***EDIT: I led worship again for the first time this Sunday in many months, so I'm on the upswing***

*Text START to 741-741 to text 24/7 with a live therapist

The Vulnerability Sham

2017-08-07T10:16:00.000-10:00

If you would have asked me a month or two ago if I felt I was an open and vulnerable person I would have said "Absolutely!" but that's because I'd bought into the lie that is censored vulnerability.

For me, this means that I lie to myself about how vulnerable I am; I convince myself that I'm "real" and "open" but truthfully I have an unspoken limit as to how much and what I will share (which borders on being completely fake and hypocritical).

I'm not talking about having boundaries, that's fine. I mean I will gladly talk about my past with depression but have yet to publicly talk about my recent onset of panic attacks that have caused me to take a break from leading worship.

Censoring our vulnerability defeats the concept of vulnerability.

It's fairly easy for me to talk about my previously abusive relationship because in that case I've come out to be victorious, however, it's not easy to talk about how painful an adjustment marriage has been because I'm still in the thick of it.

The fear with vulnerability is that we could be judged or minimized, so instead, I (we) choose to just show parts of ourselves. It's like "I'll show you the scar from this previous bear attack I survived but I won't show you the gushing wound in my arm because I don't know how you'll react to what I'm dealing with now so I won't risk it".

Recently in my own personal therapy session I realized that I'm usually only vulnerable in situations in which I feel power. I can be vulnerable with someone who is having a hard time if it's me "helping" them by sharing them my past struggles but I rarely if ever venture into my current challenges. Because it could make me appear weak or as if I'm not a reliable source for "help".

Doesn't that sound silly? But I do it. A lot.

I've been doing a lot of research with Brene Brown's work recently and this is one of the most meaningful concepts I've come across thus far:

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” (Brene Brown)

As nice as that sounds, what does it mean? I means that if people really truly knew us, knew we were real people who are currently facing struggles rather than people who have just always victoriously arose from situations, they could deeply love us. It'd make us more connected to not only a greater sense of hope but also a greater sense of connection.

It starts with examining the why. Why do I feel to show censored vulnerability? Why do I struggle to give a more truthful answer than "just chugging along" when someone asks how I am. While it may feel like I'm protecting myself from hurt, in actuality, I'm preventing people from being able to truly love me because they don't truly know me.

And that feels fake.

So here's to trying.

Here's to be more intentional even in baby steps of opening up to people fully, even if that baby step is giving a more specific answer than "just chugging along". Baby steps are me sharing that marriage is a rewarding but painful adjustment and that panic attacks make you feel powerless.

I ran into my abuser.

2017-03-26T10:03:00.000-10:00

I was in a store recently and I ran into my abuser.

You may or may not know that this bold, resilient, therapist of a woman was in an abusive relationship on and off for 3.5 years. Sure, I moved out one time. Sure, I blocked his number one time. Sure, I said I would never go back, but whenever he said he needed me I would always open myself back up to him. Every time I left, I felt like I was more drained of the empathetic, sweet, bold and creative parts of myself. I allowed him to make me feel as if no one would ever know me like he did and whenever I would go back, he would always say "no one knows you like I do" and "no one loves you like I do, not even your family".

I ran into my abuser recently and he did not know who I was. Let me clarify, of course he knew it was Mary Catherine because that's why he stopped me to talk to him. But he did not know the woman that I am now. How do I know this? Because for the first time ever, I did not engage with him. I did not follow up with questions to his statements about coming back from the gym. I did not go into a long story of my engagement when he said "congrats on the engagement", I merely said "thank you".

You see for the longest time, I was caught up in a poisonous cycle with him. I craved his attention even though I knew it would drain me. It's sickening how just like trying to handle a poisonous snake, I would always get bitten. The Mary Catherine that he knew would have engaged him in conversation, but I walked away politely. Don't get me wrong, I was shaking tremendously but I hid it. For the first time I did not feel that I owed him anything. He doesn't get the pleasure of engaging in conversation with me. He doesn't get the privilege of knowing about my life. I have no desire to know how he is doing. I have no desire to engage in conversation.

I ran into my abuser recently and I don't think that he knew what to do when I walked away after politely excusing myself. How do I know this? Because 10 minutes later he tracked me down in the store and told me that he felt "snubbed" by me because I didn't talk to him more. I told him I was on the phone and he asked if I needed help reaching a rug, I said "no thank you" and I walked away. I don't think he knew who he was talking to anymore.

Recently I've started walking through trauma work in my own personal counseling and it's no coincidence that after not seeing him for almost 2 years that I run into him on the most random side of town in Columbia.

I walked away. I owe him nothing.

If you're in a situation where someone is manipulating you, isolating you, minimizing you, verbally abusing you, physically abusing you, sexually abusing you that's called abuse. It's not "an anger problem", it's abuse. It's not "calling you a b*tch because I'm frustrated", it's abuse. If you're pressure or guilted into something, it's abuse.

You are precious and important. You are not doomed to just "deal with it". I share this not for sympathy but because many people see the person I am now and could never fathom that once I was a shell of a person who felt that no one would love her, that no one could love her. I share this to encourage you that there is more.

Stop justifying the behavior, you deserve more.

10 Years.

2017-01-26T09:55:00.000-10:00

Through the whirlwind which is an engagement and wedding within a 5-month time frame, I've been seeking to tell bits and pieces of our story through this in attempt to encourage people. However, through this, several people who have known me for a while have encouraged me to tell just how big this story goes for me. So, here it is. Here's how the Creator of the Universe weaved the last 10 years to bring me to marrying the one whom I love on May 21st, 2017.

When applying for colleges in 2006, I wanted to go to USC because as I was comparing myself to those around me I felt it important to go to a huge University so that I could be like everyone else. Well guess what? I got wait-listed. So I decided that the next best thing would be USC Upstate. When applying to USC Upstate, in the throws of feeling convinced I would earn a degree in theatre, I decided to audition for an acting scholarship. Horray! I got it and it was because I got it that I landed a lead role in a play, which is where I met Somer (remember her, she'll come up later)....

Freshmen year I met a lot of great people who I still keep up with via social media but I was hung up on a high school fling so I decided to move back to Columbia, attend a technical college and "intern" (work for free) at the church I had been attending for several years. Well, that wasn't the most fun year but it was that year that I took my first Psychology class and realized that I wanted to be in the mental health profession. It was also that year that I got a job at a local Italian restaurant that was opening a location in Myrtle Beach. So, like the 19 year old that I was, I decided to move (against my parents' will) to Myrtle Beach to live the beach life, work with my crush (surprise surprise I had a crush on a guy who trained at my store but would be working at the Myrtle Beach store) and finally be "an adult" (*insert eye roll*). I spent 2008 until 2011 in Myrtle Beach and it was some of the best and worst years of my life. I got involved in a local church, realized that I was capable of leading worship (after being told I wasn't good enough), decided to major in Psychology in order to be in the mental health field, met one of my Matrons of Honor and grew a tremendous amount as a woman.

Unfortunately, this is also the part of the story that I tell you that during those years I met a boy who would have more of a mark on my life than I would care to admit.

While I met this guy in 2009 and he pursued me hard even then, I didn't let him take me on a date on the beginning of 2011. At that point I had spent all of my college years waiting and praying for a future husband, not dating at all. And I was done. I figured I might as well date and have fun (*insert another eye roll*). Well this relationship went down and it went down fast. What started as sweet morphed into a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship (and while I'm breezing through this part, it's only for the sake of time). I finally got out of that relationship (or so I thought) at the end of 2011 when I moved back to Columbia and accepted a job in Dallas, TX.

January 2012 I got rid of my car, gave away my dog and boarded a one-way plane to Dallas to live in an unfurnished apartment in a city where I knew two people. I would be working for Christ for The Nations and had so much hope that just as Kari Job had emerged from there, so would I emerge into my destiny. Looking back, I did emerge from there. I just didn't emerge how I imagined I would but seeing it now I realize this too was a pivotal part of my destiny. It didn't take longer than 6ish weeks for me to lose my job with this organization, pack up my belongings and with shame head back to live with my parents.

This next part is painful, but keep reading because it's key!

It didn't take long for the shame and embarrassment that I felt from a failed adventure to manipulate me into leaving my family to live with the same man who manipulated me during our relationship. Somehow I imagined that it would be better to be with someone who "loved" me (oh the naivete!) than to face my parents in their home when I felt I had let them down. The next 10 months I spent back in Myrtle Beach back and forth in a tumultuous and destructive relationship feeling lost and missing my family ( I chose to have limited contact due to shame). Finally, in October of 2012 when the abuse had escalated from emotional and controlling behavior to throwing chairs at me and threatening to slit my throat, I packed up what could fit in my tiny car and moved back in with my parents. Two days before I moved, I started a journal to my future husband.

When I moved back to Columbia I didn't have a job nor did I have any sense of direction, so here enters my best friend since 9th grade, Elysse, to get me a seasonal job at a photography studio in the mall. Luckily for me, this mall had a Starbucks which I began to frequently visit which is how I reconnected with Somer! Remember her? I had met her 6 years prior! After spending time with Somer and giving that Starbuck a decent chunk of my paycheck, Somer informed me that one of her employees was a musician at a local church and was looking for a female worship leader. The church was Columbia Church...

In October of 2012 I began writing a journal to my future husband (which I have added entries into over the past 4+ years) not even realizing that I would meet my future husband in January 2013

(though we didn't even speak more than 5 words to each other until August 2014 and then a lot of other stuff happened that was good and bad but that's for another time....).

I say all of this to say that since I was 15 I believed that the person I was to marry was alive and breathing somewhere in the world. Since I was 15 (though I wasn't always diligent about it) I prayed for the mysterious man where ever he was). Since I was 15 I encouraged others around me to wait for the one who cherishes you. And now, on the other side I can see how over 10 years the Creator of the Universe weaved the most beautiful story out of such hardship for me. I can see how little details like meeting Somer or desperately needing a job or moving to Myrtle Beach to learn how to lead worship so I could lead worship at Columbia Church to meet Robbie....I can see how He truly does work all things together for His glory.

If I had never been put on USC's waiting list...

If I'd never had a crush on that guy to move to Myrtle Beach...

If I'd never been rejected from two graduate programs...

If I'd never been let go from Christ for the Nations...

If I'd never been so broken that I had to move home...

If I'd never needed a job....

Be encouraged today. Destiny is just getting started!

Knee Surgery and Depression

2015-03-06T07:53:00.001-10:00

When I was 16, an ulcer in my colon perforated a hole in my colon which resulted in having to have a foot of my colon removed. I was out of school from late October until January and it was a painful recovery.

...outpatient knee surgery was worse.

When you're a teen still living at home and have any type of sickness, ailment, surgery, etc, you don't have to worry about rent or food or pets or a job. You have your parents there to help you in every aspect. As a 26-year old enrolled in an intensive master's program, with an internship, a part time job, a pet, a boyfriend and occasionally friends, you find yourself with a lot that has to be handled or put on hold to have a surgical procedure.

Almost two weeks ago I had my meniscus and my ACL repaired. I was blessed to be able to stay with my parents and call their cellphone at 3:00 am when I needed help going to the bathroom or have them help me bathe. The week was mentally and physically challenging as they are staying in a house where my bedroom was up a flight of stairs. I often repeated "Super Mary! Super Mary!" (I blame the pain meds) to encourage myself as I grunted along every painful step and even more often could be found calling for a parent to help me with what seemed like every task. It was a tough week but I made it.

I had no idea that the second week would be the worse...

Sunday evening I found myself in my apartment alone and Monday morning I woke up feeling the most lonely and hopeless I have ever felt.

As a future clinical Social Worker, I am well versed in the signs and symptoms of depression. At my current internship, I work mostly with patients who are living through depression, anxiety or some cruel mixture of both. I've found myself several times dishing out coping skills to deal with these symptoms and am embarrassed to say that I've found myself on more than one occasion thinking "well I'd be depressed if I was in my pajamas all day, why don't they just take a shower and go outside?".

At the beginning of this week, my Dad challenged me to ask the Lord what He wanted to speak to me during this time. Here's what I know: I hope to never have more empathy for those with depression than I have this past week. Maybe I'm being melodramatically (c'mon we know I usually am!), but this week has been one of the darkest I have ever experienced and I've had to walk through several dark experiences in my life.

When Monday morning hit, I couldn't get out of bed. I was frustrated because my mind wanted to get up and go to class and resume activities but my body just couldn't. I was lonely because I had to struggle to fill my ice machine for my leg and it hurt to stand long enough to prepare myself something to eat. I felt like a failure because I realized that I came back to be by myself too soon, I should have stayed another week and let me parents continue to help me. But I wanted to come back and now I didn't want to admit that I had made a mistake, that I wasn't yet at a place to take care of myself. My best friend brought me lunch on Monday, despite not feeling like having company at all, which is highly unlike me.

Sunday evening, Monday and Tuesday are like a dark blur to me now. I felt so incredibly hopeless. After exhausting almost every penny to my name to pay towards the surgery and cover my rent for the month, I was left with barely a penny to my name and a broken down car. I felt like I would never recover because even when my knee healed, how would I have transportation? How would I go to my job or internship? Where would I find the motivation to finish the semester?

During these dark couple of days I had no appetite, I slept a great majority of the day and had no desire to leave the house. I felt incredible hopeless. I could tell that my boyfriend, Robbie could see it on my face and that my parents could hear it in my voice that I was slipping away into a dark place.

Eventually, I crawled out of bed and decided to go back to stay with my parents. I'm so grateful for a boyfriend and parents who dropped everything to get me back into a healthy place. It took me a couple days in a loving home with sunshine and homecooked meals to emerge from this terrible funk but as I emerged, I gained some valuable nuggets to take into clinical Social Work with me.

Through fire I had to put into practice coping skills that were realistic not only for a client but for me. I began to understand how much energy it takes to even get up off the couch when depression is on your shoulders and just how much of a challenge eating or stepping outside becomes. I am blessed that my episode has an ending as I will eventually fully recover, somehow I'll have transportation again and life will continue but many that suffer depression are plagued with this true illness.

Depression is an illness.

I hope to never have days like this week but I'm grateful to have the opportunity to laugh at some of the coping skills that we learn in the classroom that would never be feasible for someone battling this disease. I'm also grateful to crawl through the coping skills that actually work.

I don't know how everything will work out after all this dust settles, but I'm grateful for a best friend, a roommate, a boyfriend and parents who reached into the pit and encouraged me to get out.

I may not have a cent to my name or a running vehicle, but I have people who love me and a Creator who died for me. I'm going to be ok.

Living An Unfinished Life

2014-10-21T04:26:00.000-10:00

Let's talk about how we respond and interact with this Man, the Creator.

Let me also preface all this with the statement that we are all at different places in our walk and becoming more like Christ is something that is a continual process. (continual meaning I'm there yet either)

With that being said, knowing God is not enough.

A couple years ago I spent most of the day sitting in a coffee shop listening to worship music and simply being (something I try to make time to do often). And during my frequent attention-deficit-disorder-scannings-of-the-people-places-and-things around me, I noticed a display with books about the Kennedys. One book about his life was open to a page that had the phrase “An Unfinished Life”. I kept staring back at this phrase transfixed by the idea of living an unfinished life when we aren't dead yet.

Hear me out. Knowing God isn't enough. I could know God, go to a weekly worship service, spend time in the word and it would be living an unfinished life.

I remember also seeing a coffee cup quote around that same time (I get distracted easily, this I know) that said “just when the catepillar thought it was all over,it became a butterfly”. At this point I know I must be losing you with the Kennedys and a book store and a coffee cup and a catepillar but stay with me and I promise I'll make sense (or I'll just delete this before I post it). Romans 1:21 says:

“for although they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks to Him because they became futile in their thinking...”

Let me translate that scripture into the MCWversion:

“even though they knew God, they weren't aware of Him in everything. They lived an unfinished life; thus encountering God only at certain times rather than in everything; and their mindset became stagnant, without growth, stunted and unfruitful”

We know of God but are we cognizant of Him around us? Would we hear if He asked us to pay for the car behind us in a drive thru line? Or if He prodded our heart to pray with a person in the other aisle in Walmart?

Sometimes I forget just how great and awesome He is and how much I should be acknowledging Him in every area of my life. Are we like the catepillar and become so distraught with how things look at the moment that we don't trust that He won't leave us a caterpillar. You haven't reached your full potential. God won't leave you where you are if you are acting in full obedience to His word.

When we limit God to an encounter in morning quiet time or a weekly worship service, we miss all that He has to say and wants to do in and through us throughout the day. Thus, we are walking around living an unfinished life.

Acknowledging God isn't just for our benefit or gain in fact a great bit is just for Him. God is a relationship being, He desires friendship with us. He created us because He wanted to, He wanted relationship with us. (Ephesians 1:5)

God doesn't live in your morning quiet times. God doesn't live in a church a building. He lives in you and in me. When you finish reading this and go grab a cup of coffee in the kitchen or brush your teeth in the bathroom, God doesn't say “alright friend! See you tomorrow, same time same place!”. No. We are in a continual conversation with Him if we choose to be.

If the catepillar would have thought God only lived in a certain time or certain circumstance or certain moment then he never would have held on to see the transformation that which he didn't see coming.

Today I pray that you won't miss out on what God desires to whisper to you THROUGHOUT the day. I like to think that there are little signs of His love and direction that He sends in various avenues throughout the day, these I refer to as “post-it notes”. So I pray that you be open and aware of little post-it notes that God wants to offer you throughout the day. Enjoy the difference in your days when you choose to hear what God has to say to you throughout the day and not just in your quiet time!

“But now in Christ Jesus, you who were once

were far away have been brought near

through the blood of Christ.”

Ephesians 2:13

Whose then Who

2014-10-09T04:41:00.004-10:00

Originally, I was going to write about PURPOSE until a sassy, slightly hippy therapist said to me “how do you know purpose unless you know WHOSE you are?”. She is right. Talking about purpose before the basics of WHOSE we are is like drinking milk and then eating cereal, and that's just plain silly.

If we can ever fully grasp WHOSE we are, we will be able to fully live in WHO we are.

Continually finding worth in ourselves and depending on our own abilities will do nothing but cause unnecessary pressure we weren't ever designed to carry. And you know what happens with pressure over time? Pressure over time causes explosions or collapse. (I'll take neither sir!)

I've met many people who believed they were responsible for their own success. In fact I dated a guy who had a very funny view on things: if things went well it was his own doing, if things went wrong he would blame God. (this whole stupid mindset is something we will address together later, because I've believed this silliness too...) I've always posed the question to people who find success in their own ability: “isn't that an awful lot of pressure to think every thing that happens to you good or bad is up to you?”. Most have some run-a-round answer that causes me to doze off.

Let me make this clear:

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN SUCCESS.

You are a child of a Man who created the entire world in a matter of days and took the time to put freckles on my face and make that one hair that always goes the wrong way; I'm pretty sure our lives are easy-peasy for Him. Why not take the pressure offer yourself and lay that burden down at His feet. Surrender is scarier when we think of it than it actually is. ( I said SCARIER than we think it is, I DID NOT say it wasn't difficult not to pick it up once we lay it down) One of my current favorite music obsessions (besides Miranda Lambert, I LOVE that take-no-prisoners woman!) is All Sons and Daughters and one of their wonderful lyrics from their song “From Dawn to Dusk” says perfectly what I'm trying to get across “tomorrow's freedom is today's surrender”.

You are a daughter of the day, a son of the light (1 Thessalonians 5:5). You have been bought with price, adopted into a the family of a King.

We aren't supposed to walk around haughty but rather confident that as we walk in relationship with the Creator,

He guides our steps and is lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. (Psalm 119:105) I take that as we seek Him, He provides direction for this moment and wisdom for the future.

(Oh! And if He isn't saying anything for this moment, BE STILL per Psalms 46:10) The beauty of accepting whose you are is that you begin to realize what you are because with the acceptance of a daughter or son of the Creator you realize you are:

blessed “ The Lord bless you, my daughter” (Ruth 3:10)

not alone “And the Lord is with him” ( 1 Samuel 16:18)

strong “ ...for the joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10)

radiantly beautiful “ those who look to Him are radiant” (Psalms 34:4)

not fearful “...it does not fear when heat comes...” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

Today I challenge you to not focus on

what you are NOT but what you ARE. And when thoughts creep in to bring you down, remind those thoughts you are a child of the Creator of the Universe and that Satan's words have no hold on you. Remind him and yourself that you are blessed, not alone, strong, radiantly beautiful and not afraid. I pray today that the Lord would surround you, He would hem you in and draw you close to Him; and you would feel His hand upon you today.

“ You hem me in – behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me”

Psalm 139:5

What Zoey's Bath Taught Me About God.

2014-01-09T19:48:00.003-10:00

For over a year now I've been writing a journal to my future husband (yeah yeah insert Christian joke here and then shut up), and the day I adopted Zoey (my dog) I wrote, "Today, Zoey adopted ME". She did. From the beginning I've paralleled Zoey and myself (hold the dog jokes), how she was rescued and how I was rescued. But even further than Zoey, I've believed for a long time that God can show a lot of Himself and His character through animals if we'll just pay attention.

One blatantly obvious way the Creator teaches me about himself through her is her unfailing enthusiasm every time I walk through the door; I took the trash out the other day (a few steps from the door) and yet when I came back into the house, I swore her tail was going to wag right off her body. I'd say that I THINK that's how the Father thinks of us, or that I BELIEVE that's how the Father thinks of us but honestly I KNOW that's how the Father is every time we come to Him.

But tonight I was reminded of a much more sobering truth about the Creator, that He sits in the yuck with us. Let me elaborate:
When you adopt an animal, for a long time it can be hard to predict how they will act in certain situations especially if you're unsure of their background. Our family dog Ginger for instance can tend to snap at any moment that you spend close to her face or trying to playfully pry a toy from her mouth.

Zoey is no different, I'm constantly cautious about how she'll react during baths or playfully tugging at toys in her mouth. But one thing I've discovered, one thing I'm POSITIVE of....she is TERRIFIED of the hair dryer. Terrified. I could be drying my own hair and she runs to the farthest portion of the house.

Well this is inconvenient because she has a great deal of fur and she has the potential to be fluffy but she only really reaches her greatest potential of fluffy-ness after she has been blown-dry.

See the conundrum?

Well tonight, after continuously delaying her bath in order to avoid the WWE match I'd face with her, I strapped on my big girl panties and bathed her.

Oh the bath went fine, I mean what looked like her compliance to me was really her defeat but nevertheless she was still. But let's remember the bath isn't the problem, it's the drying....I suppose I could let her air-dry but that would result a hurricane of her hair fibers and little deposits of her water drippings through-out the house. So, I must blow-dry.

I tried to approach it with slowly approaching with the blow dryer, then I tried chasing with the blow dryer and finally attempted the capture-and-blow-dry method. All this was while I tried to not get soaked in the furry-puddle that was my bathroom floor.

And then, in a moment of desperation, I tried something I didn't ever see myself doing, (I'm slightly germ-a-phobic, not a lot, just a little) I sat on the floor. I sat on the floor. I SAT ON A WET, DIRTY, FURRY FLOOR and I held Zoey. At first she resisted, but once I started to hold her lovingly and pet her as I dried her, she not only calmed down but she relaxed and let me dry her completely.

I sat on that wet floor and held her and became a little emotional as I got a vision of Christ; He holds us in the yuck. He holds me when it's ugly and yucky and hard. He gets down in the yuck with me. He approaches me in an individual way.

Lately I've felt emotional about a few things as I've grown through some things and it's moving to think of the Savior of the world holding me in the midst of my snotty-weeping-fests.

He hold you in the yuck. He literally cradles you when it's gross and approaches you in an individual way.

I think that's what Zephaniah 3:17 is all about:

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with His singing"

I not only can't get over but I also can't express enough this simple statement:

He holds you in the yuck.

He holds you.

How to Heal a Broken Heart

2013-10-07T19:03:00.001-10:00

I want to preface all this by saying that I don't have some special scripture or spell or formula for you to overcome a heartbreak, but what I can present to you are some truths I've experienced and some truths I've heard along the way that I believe can help you on the path of healing.

1. The saying "time heals everything" is COMPLETE bull crap.

Seriously, complete bull crap. Time can act as a "progress report" from where you've come, but time itself has no ability to do anything; in fact, my Mom once told me "you could actually be this way forever" and if you let yourself, you COULD be this way forever. I have spent time before as a professional "wallow-er" and it did nothing but keep me in a semi-constant state of depression, hopelessness and despair. In order to begin to heal, I had to be intentional.

2. What goes in, MUST come out.

Part of me being intentional with my healing, I had to monitor what went in because I knew it would come out. So I became hypersensitive to the movies, TV scenes and music I allowed myself to consume; I realized movies like "The Notebook" and songs like " Home" sent me on a downward spiral of memories and emotions that weren't productive for me. So I had to truly begin to monitor what I "consumed". What's crazy is that when I became aware of this, I'd notice memories stir up during certain radio songs so I began to switch the station or the track when those songs came on and saw the moments begin to fade. But I had to be proactive and intentional.

3. Get rid of crap associated with memories.

No, seriously. It sucked but it meant getting rid of holiday PJ pants and a dress worn on a special date. It wasn't fun but it had to be done. It meant putting pictures and cards away and skipping songs on CDs that were associated with memories. It meant choosing not to live on memory lane, because memory lane keeps us from ever progressing and usually feeds off of strictly the "great" times. Melting in a pool of memories will do nothing but torture you and keep you from being able to move on.

4. Take thoughts captive.

2 Corinthians 10:5 reminds us to " bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ", but what does that mean? It means you aren't a slave to your thoughts, you aren't destined to sink into a time warp of memories, it means you don't have to be tortured. Memories feel warm and fuzzy but in reality they are going to cause more damage then good, they stall you. You can't imagine a greater love if you're focused on how "no other love will be like this one". Something I've had to do even now is purposely choose not to be a resident on memory lane. There have even been times when I've said aloud " I WILL NOT THINK ON THAT" and forced my thoughts on something else. Remember, no one can live up to that person in your memories.

5. Let yourself mourn.

Yes, mourn. You've felt a loss, a death, a divorce, you lost a piece of yourself; you've lost time. At times it may seem easier to ignore the loss, to occupy or delay the pain but the truth is, you've can't heal a wound by ignoring it. Delaying the pain is very possible but it isn't beneficial because at some point you will have to face the loss you've experienced in order to move past it. It hurts, I know it hurts. There may be moments where you can't eat, you can't sleep, you can't go more than a few minutes without bursting into tears; there will be moments where breathing seems an impossible task but you must press on. I understand. There are still moments even after much time has past, that I feel waves of indescribable grief and sorrow, where I wonder if I'll ever be completely free of the pain but I press forward. You can never know how far you've come if you don't keep moving because I promise there will be a day when you realize you haven't felt the hurt in several months. So when you feel like you can't get out of bed, make yourself get out of bed and go for a walk in the sun. When you feel like you can't eat, eat some comfort food one bite at a time and when you feel like the sorrow will never end, look up Jim Gaffigan videos.

6. Let people love you.

This one is particularly hard for me. It can be so hard to let people love me when I'd much rather be alone with some ice cream, wine and horrible reality TV but at some point I had to let people in. I had to force myself to be social and force myself to let people love on me even if it meant just sitting in silence during a movie. You can't heal alone, there are people who love you so let them show you. I also had to realize that some people need to process experiences with someone who is gifted to walk through them, thus I listened to those who loved me and began to see a counselor. Let people love you, let people give you wisdom, let people listen to you, let people help you become a conqueror.

7. Forgive yourself.

Forgive yourself for being vulnerable. Forgive yourself for being hurt. Forgive yourself for any mistakes you felt you made. Forgive yourself for being human. FORGIVE YOURSELF, because Christ already did 2000 years ago.

8. Forgive the other person.

It really is true that having unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. That other person most likely isn't thinking about you or the hurt. They have processed and moved on, so you need to also. You can't hate someone you're praying for, so pray blessing for that person even if it's with your teeth gritted. Fake it til you make it because I promise one day you'll wake up and not be angry at them anymore.

9. Remind yourself of the promise.

What has the Lord promised you? One of the scriptures that I've been mediating on is Luke 1: 45,

" Blessed is she who believed, for there will be fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord".

So what has He told you? One of the ways I've coped over the past year and half is to begin to put my sadness to good use and pray for or write to my future husband each time I felt overwhelmed with sadness or despair. It helps to keep me grounded in the things the Creator has promised me for my marriage one day. These writings and lists of promises He has made me help my resolve not to settle for less than I've been promised. So, what have you been promised?

I know it hurts. I KNOW. There are still days where I cry and it hurts but those days continue to move further and further apart. You can make it, you're still breathing. The more it hurt, the more I would cling to the Father. Allow yourself to get caught up in His love, allow yourself to be surrounded by His hope. If you're ready to stop hurting, He is waiting to mend your heart.

I know such great hurt, but I'm also seeing such great healing and progress.

What I know of God.

2012-12-17T01:58:00.001-10:00

I don't know much but there some truths that I cling to;
In times of hurt, joy, confusion or clarity I cling to what I know of God.

He binds up wounds.

" If My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ,then I will hear from heaven and forgive their sin and heal their land" 2 Chronicles 7:14

He heals.

"He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness the prisoners." Isaiah 61:1

He revives.

"to revive the spirit of the lowly and revive the heart of the contrite" Isaiah 57:15

He hears me.

"You heard from heaven and in your compassion you delivered them time after time" Nehemiiah 9:29

He will restore and sustain.

"to restore me the joy of Your salvation and grant me and willing spirit to sustain me" Psalm 51:12

He won't leave me dry or without what I need.

"The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. " Isaiah 58:11

He will never leave me.

"but You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them." Nehemiah 9:17

"but He will heal us...but He will bind up our wounds.

After two days He will revive us; and on the third day He will restore us,

that we may live in His presence. Let us press on to acknowledge

the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him.

As surely as the sun rises, He will appear;

He will come to us like the winter rains,

like the spring that rains that

waters the Earth"

Hosea 6:1-3

Doubting God.

2012-11-28T16:00:00.001-10:00

This is by far the most intimate, messy post I've ever shared with the public; some things have no way to be made pretty but rather must be seen for what they are, mud and all.

I have gotten my heart broken. When relationships end, especially when intimacy is involved, the untangling becomes a tedious process of unwrapping each other from one another's lives. There is no way to speed up the process. The pain comes in waves. Recently I journaled about this pain,

"One minute I'm fine and then something will trigger me. Suddenly I feel chills all over my body, my chest tightens and I begin to feel my grip on my emotions slipping. Every kiss, every laugh, every fight, every goodbye, every reunion floods back in an instant. This emotional onslaught is far worse than the most severe loneliness"

The Creator never wanted to me to feel this. It wasn't part of His master plan.
I don't even know if he planned to design
us the ability to cope
with these emotions
because He never intended us to face them.
I believe He heals and extends us grace, but He never intended or wanted anyone to hurt like this.

Unfortunately, it is seen time after time in the Word that great pain is often times preceded by great rebellion. I am no different. My rebellion started as many do, by doubting God.

As I was approaching my 23rd birthday and my college graduation, I began to wonder why I hadn't dated anyone since I was 17. This irritation with loneliness was made worse when I found out the graduate program I wanted to join was no longer in operation (this was found out in the middle of studying for the GRE for the program). I was irritated with God, so I began to seek out a relationship. I had worked with this handsome gentleman for several years at work and began to pursue conversation and time with him. I had always believed that the Lord was Lord enough to connect my path with a man, so the fact that I was actively pursuing someone (instead of vice versus) was out of character for me and my beliefs. Out of frustration I was taking my love life into my own hands, in this I showed I doubted God and His ability.

In Genenis 16, we see where Sarai (who knew she had been promised children by the Creator) began to doubt God's ability and His promise. She, much like me, took matters into her own hands. And by doing so brought hurt and despair upon herself and her husband.

"The Lord has kept me from having children, Go sleep with my maidservant;

perhaps I can build a family through her" (vs. 2)

Eve also doubted God. (Genesis 3) The serpent came to her and began to question as to why she couldn't eat the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden, Eve began to think that God was keeping something great from her. She began to question if God was keeping wisdom from her and desired to have everything that was good and pleasing. Why would God keep something "wonderful" from her? So not only did she eat but she gave to husband.

1. Many times when we doubt God and rebel,

we bring others down with us.

By me doubting God, overtime I compromised my

morals in front of the guy I was dating.

Whether I was conscious of it or not,

I showed that morals can change and that Christians can be hypocrites.

After a while, I was a poor example of what a Christian woman should be.

2. When we doubt God and rebel,

there will be pain and repercussions.

For Sarai, she began to resent her servant Hagar.

There was also strife between her and her husband,

"You are responsible for my suffering" (Genesis 16:5).

There is also the matter of the son born out of this situation, Ishmael,

who became a present day source of strive as the "ForeFather" in the middle east.

Now THOSE are some lasting repercussions.

For Eve, she caused herself and her husband to be

banished from the Garden of Eden and thus loose the initial

relationship God designed them to have with him.

Her choice also had far reaching repercussions

that are felt today, " I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing" (Genesis 3:16)

I don't believe that there are repercussions and pain because God is some evil Santa Claus sitting on a lightening bold casting down judgement upon us; I do however believe that every choice that has a consequence of some sort. Because of my doubt, I involved a man in a year and a half of pain. Something born out of rebellion can never be something that is blessed. Because of my doubt and rebellion, choices were made that can never be undone. Because of my doubt and rebellion there are now two hearts, mine and his, that will have to go through the horrific process of healing in order to love again. Regardless of the situation, when feelings are involved like those of love & affection, it takes time and an active effort to move past it.

This was not what God intended, but it how things are. God is still gracious and is still able "IN ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). Don't get me wrong, this still hurts daily and will for a while. I am not ok but I will be. God is healing and redeeming me, but let this be a loving reminder that God is still God and we are not.

Reality TV, Infants and Jesus.

2012-10-30T04:03:00.004-10:00

I cannot tell a lie, I love reality TV. (even if it's more like scripted television just with less airbrushing) I also enjoy semi-reality shows like "Unwrapped", showing the origin of some of our favorite foods; or "How It's Made", showing how every day & extraordinary things are made. I enjoy researching, google-ing and generally figuring things out. Thus I've been going back to basics in regards to my relationship with the Creator.

What I've found are some foundations for my relationship with Him based upon Isaiah 43:10:

"So that you may know and believe me

and understand that I am He"

Know: in Hebrew: Yada:

(this word in Hebrew has a TON of definitions so I chose a few key ones)

"to know intimately, to recognize ,

[God] to be revealed"

Believe: Aman:

"to trust in, rely upon"

* when you examine the verb pattern in Hebrew,

Aman expresses the basic concept of support

and is used in the sense of a parent supporting a helpless infant*

Understand: Tavun:

"the verbal root (Banah) means to build,

so in order to build or construct something,

we must be able to understand the process"

It's becoming obvious to me that in my quiet time, there is a theme that keeps appearing: recognizing the work of the Lord in my life: depending on Him entirely and understanding His love so that I don't get discouraged with my process. When you feel like you've continually been stripped (whether due to poor choices or life happenings) the only thing you can do is seek to the see the greater process at work in order to preserve your sanity.

In short, I believe that this day and every day the Lord desires that we work to be able to recognize him, rely on him like an infant would a parent and seek to understand the process we are walking through in order to understand what He is building and designing in us.

" For everything, absolutely everything,

above and below, visible and invisible...

everything got started in him

and finds its purpose in Him"

Colossians 1:16 (MSG)

"You repair all that we have torn

and You unveil a new beginning in our hearts

and we stand grateful for all that has been

left behind and all

that goes before us""

(" Mended")

Bert and Ernie

2012-10-23T05:23:00.001-10:00

"Guess who's back, back again..."

MC's back! tell a friend!

I want a friend like Bert and Ernie were friend; they were always there for each other and for goodness sake Ernie was comfortable enough for Bert to see him while in the tub with his rubber ducky! (hold the jokes)

I believe the heart of the Creator in designing each of us was designing us with the innate need to have friendships and not just friendships but intentional, deep friendships. We were never created to be wolf packs of one.

The Word provides multiple great examples of intentional friendships but I wanted to focus on two:

David & Jonathan

Noah & his sons

I believe covenant (unconditional) friendships (relationships in general) are made up of two things:

1. Vulnerability

2.Grace & Favor

Let me show you how I've come to this conclusion. In 1 Samuel 18:3-4 you see the friendship of Jonathan & David modeled which becomes a great model for the type of relationship we were designed to have. You see Jonathan first show incredible grace and favor to David.

" And Jonathan made a covenant with David

because he love him as himself.

Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing

and gave it to David,

along with his tunic"

(verses 3-4)

David was in no way royalty (at this point in time)

and did not deserve this robe that signified royalty.

I believe relationships (all types) go through

ebbs and flows; at some point one partner

is pouring into the other and vice versus.

Because Jonathan loved David as himself,

he identified an opportunity to show him grace & favor.

Now onto the part of relationships (friendship or otherwise) that is most difficult for most people, including myself: vulnerability. This is a personal struggle for me because it's always a piece of cake to be around people when life is peaches and cream, but when I'm covered in mud and struggling I usually keep to myself. We make deeper connections with people when we let them see our pain; our fear is that they couldn't love us if they really knew us when in fact because they really know us they can love really love us.

In Genesis 9:20-23 you see Noah, obviously a man of

greatness and great accomplishment (a freaking ark!!!); but like us,

his life and choices sometimes got messy.

We see in these verses that Noah drank some wine and

proceeded to get drunk to the point where he laid

down in his tent NAKED AS A JAY BIRD.

In that moment he was vulnerable and because of the

relationship he had established with his sons,

instead of pointing out his vulnerability it says

"But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid

it across their shoulders; then they walked in backward

and covered their father's nakedness"

(verse 23)

We see Jonathan's vulnerability with David in verse 4,

" [he gave] even his sword".

In that day, it was unusual for a man to be without his weapon,

his source of protection and yet Jonathan became vulnerable before David.

I want to be a friend who shows

grace, favor & vulnerability,

so that my relationships will be all

that they were intended to be.

I don't want superficial friendships,

I want intentional ones.

the parable of the taxi driver

2012-01-30T03:10:00.000-10:00

During my recent adventures, I got to do something I've yet to do: ride in a taxi. And during this taxi ride, I was reminded of what God desperately wants from us.

but first.....

I would like to acknowledge that I AM the person who

tries to get to know my waitress while dining at a restaurant

and I AM the person who talks to the cashier at the grocery;

I have been made fun of for all this but now you'll see why...

As I buckled my seatbelt, the taxi driver turned to me and asked if the music he was playing was ok to play with me in the vehicle or if I'd like him to change it. He was playing southern gospel, my pappy would have been proud.

Now I mean no offense or harm but "I saw the light", "In the sweet by and by" and "when I get to heaven" aren't exactly what tickles my musical taste buds; but I saw the heart behind this taxi driver, HE didn't want to offend ME.

It was clear this man and I were going to have an interesting time while together because I could barely understand him and I think he couldn't understand me at all. (all this time I thought I didn't have a southern accent...) At some point during the ride it came up that I work for Christ for the Nations Institute, and as I'm learning, here in the Christian communities in Texas people are well aware of CFNI.

He asked what I do ("do you have a title or importance?") and I said that I worked getting international students in the country to attend CFNI and keeping all their paperwork to KEEP them here. To be honest, I wasn't even sure if this man heard me considering he was BELTING out every lyric that played; but oh he heard me. He became overjoyed and said "that's GREAT that's GREAT! God will bless you for helping people come here".

I asked this man if he attended a church and he said that he and his family went to an Indian Pentecostal Church. (now that's a first, ever heard of one of those?!)

Something my parents have started doing is asking

their server at restaurants if there is anything they can

pray for them about. So in this moment, I felt

led to ask this taxi driver if there was anything

I could pray for him about.

You know what he said? He had failed the bar exam and was taking it again in July.

Did you hear that?

This taxi driver was an educated man who went to

law school in India and was taking the bar exam again

to practice law here in Texas.

you don't know ANYTHING about someone

until you ask.

EVERYONE has a dream,

and like you & I,

EVERYONE has spent

time doing something that wasn't

their "dream" during the waiting

period.

The story ends with me praying for this man right there

in his car, and as I prayed for him

it was precious to me that he began

to cry out to God in both his

native tongue and in English.

So make fun of me for talking to my waiter, or the cashier or the nail tech.

But if we don't show the Love of God, who will?

If we don't pause our daily lives to inquire about others,

are we showing the Love of Christ?

"no one has ever seen God,

but if we love one another,

God lives in us and His love

is made complete in us"

1 John 4:12

how to set your cubicle on fire.

2012-01-13T03:09:00.000-10:00

sometimes you just have frustrating days at work, school, home, etc...

yesterday was one of those days. most times you can't even pinpoint ONE THING you are getting frustrated with, it just all seems to jump on your back like a barrel of rabid monkeys.

when I got home last night, it was all I could do to hang my coat up before breaking into a
snotty-crying-(as dane cook would call it)-"i did my best"-pity party.

I was upset about something I think is quite common,
I felt forgotten and insignificant.

Like the children of Israel,

I was delivered and set free

into this new season and I haven't

even been here a week and I was

upset about all I felt I gave up coming here.

*side note: I am more free now with no

furniture than I ever felt when I was

living "my own life" and felt I had everything.

"was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? what have you done to us by bringing us out Egypt? ...it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert" (Exodus 14:11-12)

Did God have me give up a comfortable place using my gifts and being affirmed on regular basis to work in a cubicle being frustrated by tons of information I don't understand nor truly have a passion for?!

NO.

So HERE is how to set your cubicle on fire:

(or your house, your desk, your deep fryer)

go into it today and think:

1. Who was here before me?

2. Who will be here after me?

3. Am I stupid for thinking God doesn't know what He is doing?

(YES!)

Let me tie this all together:

I may be sitting in cubicle working

through mounds and mounds of international

paperwork, but WHERE

am I sitting?

The ministry I work for

is the birth place of Kari Jobe

and more specifically her most famous song,

"Revelation Song".

God didn't bring me hear to die, or to smother my gifts & talents

under a pile of I-20s, I-539s and I-90s!

You aren't flipping burgers because God doesn't care about your dream,

you are there BECAUSE of the plans God has for you:

it is THERE that God will either

a) teach you something vital to your destiny

b)connect you with someone who will launch you into your destiny

c) all of the above!

Go set your

cubicle,

home,

desk,

fry station,

on fire today by purposing to see what

God IS doing

what God HAS done

and what God WILL do through and after you.

by the way,

I saw an interview last night

where Kari Jobe originally turned down

"revelation song" the first time she heard

it . what if she hadn't given it

a second chance and seen it through

God's eyes?

parable of being a whore

2012-01-02T04:36:00.000-10:00

it is STUPID crazy to think of just how different a year ago was.
it's stupid crazy to think of what i've walked through this year with Jesus...and even some without Him...

I've spent some time as a whore, and whether you recognize it or not...so have YOU.

let me explain...

did you know that the Dictionary defines a whore or prostitute as two things: (besides the definition we already know)

1. a person who willingly uses his or her

talent or ability in abase and unworthy way,

usually for money.

2.to put to any base or unworthy use:

to prostitute one's talents.

another version of this definition says

"to put oneself to an unworthy use"

do you hear that?

when we don't see ourselves as God sees us,

when we put ourselves to an unworthy use,

when we don't use our gifts to the fullest ability,

we are being a whore.

but you know what? the Lord is the ultimate builder and restorer.

but in order to restore something, it must first be in pieces.

" I will pour her stones into the valley

and lay bare her foundations.

all her idols will be broken to pieces

all her temple gifts will be burned with fire.

i will destroy all her images.

Since she gathered her

gifts [possessions] from the wages of prostitution .."

(micah 1:6-7)

i don't know where you are but here is where I am:

I feel like I've been stripped

of everything I've known

the past year.

But the desire of the heart of the Father

is that we be used to our fullest potential.

He is a dreamer, a BIG one ,

who wants to see those come to past in His loves.

so sometimes we find ourselves stripped.

sometimes we feel naked and like we've lost everything we had;

relationships, finances, job security, vehicles, independence.

what have you lost?

take heart, God is wiping out all reminders of your former life in which you didn't live up to your full potential. So that He can start fresh with you. It hurts but the gain will blow your mind and cause you to not think twice about what you think you've lost.

wait and see what you are about to gain.

what seems like wreckage now,

will one day be know as a new beginning...

parable of pruning

2011-12-26T04:47:00.001-10:00

I'm tired.
Chritsmas Eve night I sat on the front porch and wept as my sweet car drove away, no longer belonging to me. As an isolated incident this would have been emotionally taxing but manageable...but it wasn't isolated, I was losing everything.

you see, as my Mom has said, God can't fill your hands if they are already full & occupied. So as of currently, my hands have been emptied of all security, possessions, relationships...even my hair! (I'm a girl, we love our hair!)

Ever felt stripped?
I'm sure you have, but in case you haven't had the pleasure let me assure you that it is painful. so very painful.

the size of the blessing and favor approaching us is

directly related to the amount of sacrifice we are experiencing.

(my Dad)

"for before the harvest, when the blossom is over,

and the flower becomes a ripening grape. He will cut off the sprigs with pruning hooks,

and then spreading branches He will remove and cut"

isaiah 18:5

God's strategy to get more grapes out of his branches is to cut off some. You see, His secret for more is less. As the grape-vines grow fast they are so thick that the sun can't reach the area where the fruit grows. If you don't do anything to the grape-vines they will just grow lots of leaves. From a distance they look real beautiful. But only a little fruit. That's why the gardener trims-to produce more grapes.

i know it hurts.

i know it does.

remember that before the harvest, there is pruning.

remember that before great favor is great sacrifice.

we will make it through this , you and i.

here's to moving to Dallas, TX

in less than two weeks with an

unfurnished apartment,

no car

and Jesus.

http://www.gofundme.com/MOVE-to-DALLAS

DALLAS!

2011-12-21T03:18:00.001-10:00

this will be short entry (followed by a longer and more in depth one soon I promise!)

THE LORD IS SO FAITHFUL and after months of rejections, lack of direction and anxiety the Lord has opened an AMAZING door working full time for Christ for the Nations in DALLAS, TX!!!

the plan is to board a one-way-plane on January 4th and begin this

scary

exciting

nerve-racking

amazing

new

poop-in-my-pants

ADVENTURE!!!!!!!

now i need to catch up on the episodes of 'New Girl' that i've missed to get tips on relocating your life.... :)

http://www.gofundme.com/MOVE-to-DALLAS

the parable of doors

2011-12-07T06:22:00.000-10:00

You ever asked God for something and when He delivers you are shocked? Oh come on, we've all been there, like myself for instance... in asking God for direction to close doors that are to be closed and open those that are to be open. I had the opportunity to either work the holidays here Myrtle Beach or Columbia.

Monday I was laid off from my current bartending gig.

So this time in a week I will be packing up my little suzuki with myself and Muffy and heading to work in Columbia for the holidays. Having a work opportunity is great, but I'm not going to lie, this is a little quick to be leaving friends/family/church without knowing when I will return again. (considering I will have no job or place to live to return to)

I asked God for direction,

I asked God for His best, I asked for this.

And yet I find myself drowning in moments of weeping

for thought of leaving here uncertain

of what/when/where I will return back.

At the beginning of the nativity story, the first part of Luke focuses on the birth of John the Baptist being fore-told to the priest Zechariah. Now Zechariah and his wife were both considered to some past the age of child-bearing and in my humble opinion probably had a desire for children.

Yet when the angel of the Lord appeared to him,

not only was Zechariah gripped with fear,

he also was overcome with doubt.

DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING????

the Lord answered the prayer of this man and

his FIRST reaction was fear and doubt concering the very thing he prayed for!

“When Zechariah saw him [the angel of the Lord], he was startled and gripped with fear. But the angel said to him, ' do not be afraid, Zechariah, your prayer has been heard”
(Luke 1:12-13)

We can't ask God to close doors that are to be closed and not expect Him to do so. We can't ask things of the Lord flippantly because He is a God who moves and answers. (sometimes in the way we'd like and sometimes not)

Next stop you ask something of the Lord, be careful what you ask for; because the Lord desires to give us His best and when we open ourselves up to Him moving, He WILL move in our circumstance.

Don't look like an ~~idiot~~ and be shocked when the Lord hears and answers.

The Parable of John F Kennedy

2011-11-30T10:07:00.000-10:00

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."
John F. Kennedy

knowing God is not enough.

I spent today sitting in a coffee shop listening to worship music and simly being. And during my frequent attention-deficit-disorder-scannings-of-the-people-places-and-things around me, I noticed a display with books about the Kennedys. One book about the life was open to a page that had the phrase “An Unfinished Life”. I kept staring back at this phrase transfixed by the idea of living an unfinished life when we aren't dead yet.

Hear me out.

Knowing God isn't enough. I could know God, go to a weekly worship service, spend time in the word and it would be living an unfinished life.

Hear me out.

I saw a coffee cup quote while sitting here (I get distracted easily, this I know) that said “just when the catepillar thought it was all over,it became a butterfly”.

I know you're thinking what in the *&$^%&$ does this have to do with the price of an egg in China?!

Hear me out.

Romans 1:21 says:

“for although they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks to Him because they became futile in their thinking...”

We know of God but are we congnisant of Him around us? Would we hear if He asked us to pay for the car behind us in a drive thru line? Or if He prodded our heart to pray with a person in the other aisle in Walmart? Are we like the catepillar and become so distraught with how things look at the moment that we don't trust that He won't leave us a catepillar. You haven't reached your full potential. God won't leave you where you are if you are acting in full obedience to His word.

Let me translate that scripture into the MCWversion:

“even though they knew God, they weren't aware of Him in everything. They lived an unfinished life; thus encountering God only at certain times rather than in everything; and their mindset became stagnant, without growth, stunted and unfruitful”

When we limit God to an encounter in morning quiet time or a weekly worship service, we miss all that He has to say and wants to do in and through us throughout the day. Thus, we are walking around living an unfinished life.

Recently a friend and I were discussing how we feel like we are so busy that every time we have time with the Lord we are just delivering a laundry list. You know what I think? I need to SHUT UP sometimes.

God doesn't live in your morning quiet times. God doesn't live in a church a building. He lives in you and in me.

If the catepillar would have thought God only lived in a certain time

or certain circumstance or certain moment then

he never would have held on to see the transformation

that God did in HIS OWN time.