The Odd One Out

Hero

2015-07-31T16:10:00.000+08:00

I am my own hero. I have survived a lot of bad things and even bad people in my life starting when I was 9 years old. And what I learned is that they just are like sandpaper to my character and I'm shining like gold.

I know it's a pretty bold statement to say since clearly I'm not a perfect person. I've done bad things too but it hasn't done anything much to my person because nothing sacred lives on top. I have been able to keep myself inside my little shell and I'm proud of it.

I thought I met people who I considered heroes at that time. But there were not. They were just deceitful people who lied and cheated their way just so they can have what they want. They did some really bad things and just hurt me for a while. They were irresponsible and didn't think of their obligations. It's sad but I have to move on. Life goes on. And if they don't want to be a part of their kids' life, then be it. I will be a hero to my kids. They can keep their money and spend it on themselves.

The greatest love of all is indeed the love of self.

First in, first out

2015-07-03T16:48:00.003+08:00

So I started the year (December 31, 2014 actually) with the promise to myself that I will not be involved with anyone for a year. I arrived in Siargao that day with a friend with high hopes for myself and the future. I immediately set out to hug my daughter Zarina who is under the care of her yaya, Auntie Cathy, while I work in an office in Cebu. We chose to stay in Siargao as Z is happiest there. Imagine being able to dip your toes everyday at the world-class beach which is just a stone's throw away from the home that we stay in. She was so happy to see me and I was even more happier to hug and kiss her after a month of not being together. We played until afternoon and caught up with Auntie Cathy and her family on the island's juiciest news and the common chika. By dinner time, we had the best dinner to cap the year off with grilled fish, veggie salad and rice. Nothing beats the island food as they are just the best all-year round!

It was my first New Year's Eve celebration in the island. So I decided to go to the bar to celebrate it with friends in the island as my kid and Auntie Cathy's family went to church. We rang in the New Year with a bang, and it was the best party to welcome the year. I had so much fun that night and it raised my hopes beyond self-control.

I was on leave from work because our company couldn't afford to pay us anymore. It was a company initiated leave which I was also happy to take because Siargao Island; no more other reasons could be valid. My days were filled with kids, my own and others just frolicking at the beach, doing sweet nothings, laughter, jokes and dreams filled the air. It was a great start of my year. Until that weekend when I went out to party at my friend's cafe, we played King's Cup and I got so drunk with a lot of people drinking rum and coke and everything else. We went to dance at the jungle disco and it was just so much fun I got whacked out of my brains. It was then I met someone who I knew way back in 2013. He who shouldn't be named. So we were both drunk and we went to heaven 3rd floor after the party. And that started our affair which I thought would be fizzling out fast but it actually went deeper than how I thought it would be.

There were challenges; yes, I never imagined that his landlady would be against our relationship but thinking about it, the landlady is kinda against people who are happy with their own lives. When I used to stay at her cottage, she would be nice to me and I was also nice to her and her family but what she talks about behind my talk are not exactly nice. But I thought that this would be irrelevant now that I don't rent in her cottage anymore. I was wrong because the boy I am seeing is living in her cottage. Okay. So one night, she approached me and said I don't like what's going on between you and *toot*. I don't like you coming over and staying in *toot*'s room. If you continue this, I will have him out of my house.

It was the shock of my year. And mind you, the year just got started and we just got started. Looking back at it now, I should have left. I should have never come back. I should have just focused on myself and our future with my kids. But I didn't coz I'm stubborn like that. Yeah, should have.

I went back to the room where he was sleeping. I woke him up and told him about what happened downstairs. He said don't mind her. Stay here. It was raining hard outside and seems like sheer coincidence that my heart was being broken into pieces then the rain just poured hard that I couldn't go home on my bike. Just what happens in the movies except this didn't have a soundtrack. He reiterated himself and said it again, stay here.

Okay then. But I was crying myself to sleep. I woke up at the crack of dawn and he woke up beside me to and said he has to go and teach surfing. He told me again to stay in his room until he got back. Downstairs I could hear people waking up and getting ready for school and work; the landlady is a teacher at a nearby school and naturally everyone would be out by 7am.

He came back at 9am. We had hot drink and bread and talked about what happened. I had developed some fondness of him coz he seemed to be stubborn like me as well. He told me to not mind the landlady. He pays rent for the room so she didn't have the right to say that to his visitor. It was logical, yeah, so I believed him. But the rest of the time I was just uncomfortable being there but I still went coz I was working on his pc. We continued to go out, we would talk on the beach, just lie there under the sun and talk about ourselves and some personal history though one thing we never talked about, his separation with his previous relationship. So I didn't touch that. I didn't want to be intruding on his life.

I headed back to Cebu via Cagayan to join the Sinulog festivies. The weeks-long of being together though it was kinda like stolen moments that one would imagine that happens in highschool. So full of char (sorry for lack of better term). I enjoyed the Sinulog, went back to work the next day and proceeded on to my daily routine. Work on weekdays, go to Dad's in the province on weekends. In those days I enjoyed being on the phone with him, talking about our hopes and dreams for the future. And I was just mooning over the fact that finally, I found someone who shared my love for the island and we want to stay on the island for as long as we can. We also wanted to travel to other parts of the country but still go back to Siargao Island that we call home. I was lucky to be able to shuffle back and forth Cebu and Siargao because my boss allowed me to go on remote work whenever I am in the island. We officially became a couple by the end of January.

February came and I was back in the island. We were more closer than ever and we even decided to live together. I know, I know, it was too fast but hey, we loved each other so much we didn't want to be away from each other. We rented a house with 3 bedrooms and it was just a lovely time being together until I was back in Cebu after 2 weeks and he asked me if I was ready to resign. I said, financially, no, but I said I want to. He said why not resign now. So by March 8, I came back to the island and just happily spent time with my daughter and him but I wasn't just ready to resign yet. Something in my mind kept telling me that this is a wrong decision because it wasn't my decision. It was not in the original plan. I didn't resign but I went home anyway and followed my heart. And went into my doom.

The first few weeks were a joy, until I drained all my money. He wasn't as hardworking as he seemed to me when we first got together. He was using my postpaid sim card to play online games and there was no work to be done. He was not proactive in seeking students to teach surf and he's just basically waiting everyday to be given a student to teach by a friend who has long boards. We had our small fights then one night he left me. I was astonished to come home to a house with destroyed locks and it was empty. His things weren't there anymore, even my external HD and ATM card. He still owed me money.

I cried 2 rivers and an ocean that night. I didn't eat for 2 days. And when I got up, it felt like my world just ended. Even Zarina couldn't comfort me anymore. On the 4th day, I resolved to be better. Better as in feel better and not feel like shit anymore and what better way to cover those shitty feelings is by way of alcohol and nicotine. I partied hard, went out with girl friends, got free drinks, told the story over and over again to anyone who asked and cared to hear it. Then exactly 1 week after, he came back to the house. Said sorry and that he's just a baby but promised to never leave me again. I was happy but I didn't show it, of course. But as the days came by I welcomed him again with open arms and we just became a couple once more.

Then we found out I'm pregnant. I have been sporting this tiny bump for days and we just felt that I might be pregnant. Our feelings have proved to be correct when I had a test and I calculated I was 2 month pregnant. The look on his face was something I could not explain; he was not happy nor sad. He just looked somewhat scared.

The sickness started. I would be feeling sick every day at 6pm and would be craving food that I don't normally eat on a daily basis. Dried fish, Virgina hotdog, ice candy, burgers. I eat them, yes, but not everyday because I have a kidney problem. One week of eating them straight gave me UTI and I had to suffer for 3 days and drink coconut water for a week. We both knew we were not equipped to be parents again.

Money was an issue because neither of us had it. He didn't work because he loathes the idea of working and not having his own time. I was already looking for online jobs though I knew I could go back to Cebu anytime to my managerial position, I just felt it wasn't right to do so and leaving my kid and him again is something I didn't want to do. We get by with small money that he earns from his surf lessons and I would budget the money for food for the next few days knowing that he won't be able to make money again soon. It was hard. I didn't want this.

One night we were having dinner, I told him about our option. He didn't respond constructively and he took it against me. That same night he resolved to leave me, pregnant and all. The night before Mothers' Day.

I wish we had it differently. From the time we got close, I wish I didn't pursue the idea of us being together aggressively because there were things that were not right. Like finding out that he wasn't paying his rent like he said. He was staying there for free but contributing to the food only. And so many other things that I wish I didn't find out but disregarded for the sake of our blooming relationship. These things didn't matter to me because what was important was us, and not his past. But it should have. What does it matter now?

I'm running 4 months now and happier at the thought of being a mom for the third time. I wish it's a girl but a boy would also be nice. Any gender as long as it's normal and healthy and I would be the happiest mother in the day I would give birth. I have not made contact with him yet because he left me. There's this pride thing that I have as we all do. The 2nd time he left me just crushed me, pushed me through a rough wipeout and left me with almost no hope. But I was able to get back up and now that things are looking up nicely for me, I am back stronger than before. Picking up on the pieces I left just to be with him.

That was quick. January to May. Shortest but the roughest. Time is a good healer and I know that in due time, it will scar up nicely and I will remember it, but not the feeling anymore.

First in this year, and also the first out.

Bye.

On his bike by the road at Tatay Delfo's BBQ place

All around soap

2013-11-28T10:27:00.001+08:00

I found it! My all around soap!

I was just so happy and giddy to discover this. I've been a Dove user since college and my skin feels smooth and nice and it has this youthful glow (I see it when I look at the mirror, at least). But, two days ago, my Dove soap was already kinda thin and if you know, when soaps thin out, it doesn't really lather up much anymore. So I decided to try out my daughter's soap. She's using Oilatum bar and it's for dry and sensitive skin. My facial skin has always been a combination or normal and oily, and for my body, it's usually dry, and Dove soap does help in making it not too dry anymore but I always apply lotion after a shower. The morning after I used Oilatum, my skin did feel a little smoother and pores looked tight. Amazing! The next time I had a shower, I used it for my body too and yes, my skin looks better now than when I was using Dove.

I made a decision to make it my all around soap. Instead of buying three different soaps for face, body and private area, I just used Oilatum. It's a bit pricey than Dove or any regular soap but it's a consolidated expense for all three necessities.

Thank you Oilatum!

Another love lost

2013-11-20T16:41:00.001+08:00

It was almost 4am of August 26, 2011 and I was standing on the street waiting for a motorela home. I just bought sweets from Shanghai bakery; I needed some treat because I had just broken up with a boyfriend who lived and worked in Dubai. We broke it up via Skype.

It was swift and almost painless. Almost. I didn't expect it to end like that, and over a small misunderstanding. Bottomless pit, apathy, moving on...

Twelve hours passed and found myself standing again on the road, and this time, waiting for a motorela to take me to Mandumol. It was my friend's joint birthday party with her niece and she wanted to make sure I am there. I got there early and they were still making preparations for the party. Her father instructed us if we could get something from the grocery. I tagged along.

Girls going around a mall can be time-consuming and we did consume time looking at earrings. They had really nice earrings and it was cheap, too. My friend bought me one and called it a break up gift. Hehehe, a first that I received as such!

Attending a birthday party that was not exactly intimate when one just went through a break up, several hours before that, is not advisable. One puts on a plastered smile and murmur courtsies like a child. After I ate, I just felt really sleepy and out of energy so I asked my friend if I could sleep in her room. Never have I slept nicely than I did during that time.

She woke me up and it was time to go. We were at least 4 in the car and my friend said she could drop us in the city. I wanted to go where my friends were and they were downtown in a bar.

Floating but happy. Happy that at least it was done and over with. But not quite.

Getting inside the bar felt like a different planet to me. I've spent so much time in the island that I've forgotten what it's like. Sat with friends, drank and smoked with them and I comfortably eased back into the bar atmosphere. Two pitchers and a pack of cigarettes later, the ex-bf called and I answered it outside. Just checked if I was okay, and asked if I was drunk. Tipsy, but not drunk. And yes, happy. We missed each other so bad.

Back inside, I felt like it was time to go. Empty chitchats, apparent flirting and tipsy discretion just wasn't for me. I lingered for a while, burrowed myself in clicking away on my phone even if there was nothing important there. A text came. From JKS. He asked me where I was and if I could go out. I desperately said yes.

He picked me up and went straight to a safe place, far from pretentiousness. It was just me and him. We met several years back and worked on the same stuff. I knew him and vice versa. We just didn't talk back then. And here we are in the same room, weird but not awkward.

He was someone I thought to be mysterious and no-nonsense, someone who scares you at first instance. But in that space of time, he was totally a different person to me. He opened up about that time when we both saw each other. We meshed our stories and it was just amazing to hear both sides of the situation. Wonderful. He was even a kind gentleman and did not dare to go near me. We just talked for hours and when the conversation became old, we decided to go home. He took me home.

We texted each other after that. We went out again for a few more times going on a cake date, dinner and just talking. The texting became frequent and this formed an attachment for both of us. We were constantly talking on the phone if not together, texting in between of errands and work. It was obvious something was going on.

One night we went out, he seemed tired and not his usual chatty self. We just laid on the bed, talking about small things and just when we were about to go, he told me I LOVE YOU. His voice small and almost inaudible, weird in a room that it was just us two. He said it again, I LOVE YOU. I just had to make sure that I heard it right and read his lips. I couldn't believe it. I laughed. He got angry.

I got off the bike and walked to open the gate, he had this look on his face that made me feel sorry that I laughed at him. He drove off into the night.

I couldn't sleep.

We were texting again lunch time the next day and he asked me about that laugh and what was that. The truth is, I couldn't believe it. I, myself, have been struggling with my emotions that past few weeks of that time coz I think I was falling in love with him. And he had to know why. He had already texted me to stop this while it's still early, no use continuing this if I didn't feel the same. I told him my reason.

He visited me after dinner of that same day. And we became a couple.

I understood his obligations and responsibilities, and I knew my limitations. Still, it didn't stop us from having fun every time we're together. We were having fun, in love and happy with everything.

Then I got pregnant.

My world fell upside down. It meant no more magic carpet rides, no more tagging along and no more going out on fun dates. A love no more.

Or, at least, that's how I thought about it.

I wasn't busy with myself anymore. My free time ended up consistently texting him, asking if he could come over, if he could buy me magazines and ice cream. If could buy me my medications and vitamins at the middle of the night. If he could just be with me, and I will be okay.

My pad became a 2 bedroom apartment months after that. He was supportive of my decision to transfer and even gave me what I need to buy all that I needed. I wasn't working anymore. Days rolled into weeks, and I became a regular at LKK's bingo hall. I even won PhP10,000 on my first time and donated half of that for a friend who had been in an accident. And I forgot to spare a barato for my bf. LOL

I gave birth and he wasn't there. His phone can't be reached, and I didn't have his friends' numbers. Floating feeling. Abandoned feeling.

Two days after I was able to reach him. And he came. He was really awkward towards me and focused on the baby. I did my best to be the loving and welcoming girlfriend by hiding my feeling and emotions. I almost won an award.

We came home and it was such an awkward situation knowing he won't be there always. He had to come home to us every night, as what a normal new father would do. I was happy.

But I was getting bored. I went back to work 20 days after that.

I tried to keep the fun and when I got a nanny for the baby, I insisted on a date. What clean fun.

We settled as a family and it was nice. Monday thru Saturday, we had a sense of family as we ate dinner together and slept together, ate breakfast together and just functioned like any normal family would. We bought stuff for our apartment, went to get groceries together, decided on what to do together. It was lovely.

Not as lovely though when we were still baby-less.

It seemed like a forced Christmas and New Year. It was fucked.

Then he was lost. April 25, I couldn't contact him anymore.

Since then, most of our relationship happened like that. It just wasn't the same. I didn't want more, I just wanted it like before. And maybe, more.

Ours became a series of cyclical relationship, it was economical but a big waste of time. Love is there but a chunk of it was lost. And I just couldn't put it together again. And he doesn't even try.

A lot has happened since then but the sum of it all is, we can't put back what was crushed the first time. If we tried, it could come out more beautiful than ever. But, if we tried.

It's November 20, 2013 now. I will be better, I tell myself this until I believe it.

Goodbye, love

My country, the Philippines

2013-11-12T17:38:00.001+08:00

The Philippines has been ravaged once again by Mother Nature. My country of tiny specks on the world map suffered massive damages due to typhoon Yolanda (Haiyan). Tens of thousands of lives lost, more were and are injured, and even more are grieving. And to think my country as a whole had just blinked from the major earthquake that hit us no more than 2 weeks ago.

No, God is not punishing the Philippines.

This is Mother Nature's way of creating balance in this planet, and there's nothing we can do about this except to survive the outcome. We have been careless and reckless in our decisions and most of it are not factoring in our environment. And it's not only Philippines that's being called to attention here, but the whole world. My country is just unfortunate to have been situated in a dangerous geographic location and my people have not been resourceful enough to educate themselves on how to plan, manage and live through situations like this, even if we have experienced so many natural calamities in our lifetime. People wonder, how could we have just smiled through it all? The answer, readers, is the Filipino spirit. It is that calm voice in all of us that tells us: We will live and survive through this...if we are meant to be.

This is where we get our resiliency. It is one of our qualities that set us apart from all other cultures. We learn to accept things even if they haven't happened yet, and if they do, we make the most out of the situation, whether in a right or wrong perspective.

My country, the Philippines, and its people, suffer from confused mentality. We prance to and back the thin lines of morality and worldliness. We have the church blurred with the state, and the state is just as confused. Its public servants lead the way in self-enrichment while encouraging the poor to be honest and hard-working, giving them false hopes that someday, they, too, will own mansions, at least 5 cars, and a slew of businesses to boast of. We are immature that way.

But there's hope in the Philippines. There's now a growing number of people who have been enlightened through observation, in depth learning and actions. And I pray that this number will multiply by thousands in the next few days, weeks, years.

I will not deny that for months now I have contemplated on working abroad so I may also experience the bitttersweet life of working like a horse, paying huge taxes, enjoy proper healthcare, see my kids get better education and just be paid handsomely. But I hold that thought because I also think that my country needs me. It needs me to be a better person. It needs me to give back to it as I have enjoyed breathing its fresh air, swimming in its clear light blue waters, looking at its marvelous mountains, taking in the amazing views of almost everywhere.

Tonight, before I go to sleep, I will pray for those who are affected by the recent tragedies. I will pray for those relief operations team to be compassionate, selfless, generous and calm. I will pray for those families who lost members. I will pray for our public servants to wake up and experience premature enlightenment. I will pray for those intelligent people to be active and take on what they can in this situation. I will pray that when I wake up tomorrow, my country, the Philippines, will remain mine.

Malinao lots!

2013-08-05T21:34:00.000+08:00

Beachfront property number 1 in Malinao, General Luna. Lot area is approximately 2,000 square meters selling at PhP2,500/square meter. White beach, peaceful area and road to the property is almost all concrete! Roads will be done within 6 months. This will be a great place to live and conduct a resort business in.

Small shore but still a great beach

Looking at the rest of the lot from the shore

Coconuts!

Imagine putting up your house here then having breakfast while looking out to the sea

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Beachfront property number 2 in Malinao, General Luna. Lot area is approximately 4,000 square meters and selling at PhP3,000/square meters. Just a few minute ride from the above mentioned property, this lot offers a bigger beach area with the same wonderful white sand. The main road shown here is still muddy but the construction will be completed within 6 months.

Property is divided by the road. The part you see here is the bigger one. It goes all the way back there. Great for people who want privacy.

This is the left part. Smaller area of the property is the beach area.

Lovely beach. Imagine it with bermuda grass, a patio, or a veranda with you on your hammock.

Coconuts are all yours for the taking! When you buy this lot. =)

Your view from your beach lot all day

For inquiries, email me at cayecabading@gmail.com. Thank you!

Beachfront property for sale

2013-07-04T17:58:00.001+08:00

Beachfront lot for sale near Cloud 9! Situated in Tuason, Catangnan, this lot gives you a 190 degree view of the ocean.

pictures are taken at low tide

Going to the beach

Facing the lot, back on the water

View of the lot, right side

View of the lot, left side

Total lot area is 4,318 square meters. Owner's selling price is at PhP 3,000/square meter amounting to PhP 12,954,000. For questions or comments, please contact me @ 09275075486 or email cayecabading@gmail.com.

Thank you!

Oh weather

2013-06-19T20:59:00.000+08:00

When it rains, it pours. When it's dry out, oh well...

Gotta learn to love all kinds of weather!

Low pressure hits the island

I'm lovin' it!

2013-04-20T21:58:00.003+08:00

Today is one of the longest days of my life. What with the most recent notable event, not being able to go out and waiting for that one text that will at least make me feel remembered.

Me and Z are getting antsy and I've been wanting to eat ice cream since the week started so naturally I had to think of something that will cure the antsy-ness and satisfy the craving without having to go out or bug somebody. I called McDonald's for delivery and ordered spaghetti, fries and hot fudge sundae. The lady said it will take 50-1 hour for it to come because they had a lot of pending orders. I just said okay for lack of other options. They went beyond my expectations and went past the said time. When the delivery guy came, he seemed to be lost as he was knocking on the wrong door.
Apparently, the lady I spoke with wrote the wrong unit number with no directions how to get to my place which caused the much longer delay. The guy apologized and I said it's okay but I just to text the lady and complain about the food. The spaghetti was soggy, the fries were soft and the sundae was really really liquidy. I was hungry so I ate the spaghetti and the sundae, but the fries were really... Tsk. Anyway, I already complained and I was thinking I'd never ordered McDonald's again. An hour passed and I got a text with apologies and it said another batch of what I ordered is on its way. Wow! I didn't even expect this, but thank you loads!

And this is why in all it's unhealthiness and grease, I am saying McDonald's, I'm lovin' it!

Downhill

2013-04-19T19:11:00.000+08:00

Been sitting in front of the laptop for minutes now. Long stretches and several of them since I woke up late afternoon. Z has been a great distraction; her smiles provide comfort and assurance that everything is going to be alright.

Unbelievable. Unimaginable is what happened last night. I believe it was terror I saw. A very small thing that I got irked about got blown out of proportions because of overreaction.

It's a sad thing when a relationship turns sour and goes downhill with violence. Verbal and emotional abuse. Name calling. Slight arm-tugging. Shoulder pushing. Not even tears or being soft or declaration of love could have turned it around.

All I ever wanted was love. The open-communication kind of love that we had before. The short but sweet notes during the day thru texts. The urgency when the other couldn't respond soon. The feeling of being wanted. And loved.

Maybe I'm too demanding. Or maybe I haven't learned acceptance. That a relationship will change and it's not always going to improve. Lovers will always drift apart. Time does that. Or maybe the love in the first place wasn't as good as the lovers thought it was.

Sad. Depressing.

But it's always a good time to move on the all the pain and the hurt. Love will always come around and find its way. I'm a hopeless romantic, I know, but there's always hope for love. And I love him. I love my kids. I love myself. I just need to show it more.

Full time

2013-04-15T17:36:00.004+08:00

Being a full time anything can be ridiculously stressful! Much more when you are a full time mom, housekeeper, Facebook and 9gag addict and part time online jobbie.

I know, right?

So I've managed to work around these many slashes and found a great time management technique.

Here are the tips:

1. Wake up when the baby is up and this is usually around 5-6am-ish. It is likely that the baby is hungry and will want breakfast i.e., milk and Cerelac.

2. Clean up the mess from the milk and Cerelac session. Put on baby videos for the baby to watch and enjoy. Reward thyself for the hardwork by turning on computer and indulge in Facebook and 9gag.

3. When the baby sounds bored (you will know by the sound of the cry or mumbling), carry her for a while, enjoy cuddle time, repeat what the video says (because at this point, you already know all videos by heart)

4. At this time, the baby will begin to feel sleepy. Slowly put her down in the crib and pat on her buttocks to ensure a faster trip to hypnagogia. Tap more to lock sleep position.

5. Go back immediately to computer and waste time on Facebook and 9gag.

6. By 10:30am, or when the baby cries, whichever comes first, approach the crib and talk to her like an adult and ask questions like, are you hungry na? do you want lunch? The baby will either respond in a baby talk with a smile and in this case, she's probably saying Yes to the questions. If she responds with a cry, in this case, she's probably saying Damnit yes, I am hungry mother. Go fucking make my lunch and hurry with it.

7. Feed the baby.

8. Again, clean up after the mess. The baby might want to watch videos again and there may be interesting things on Facebook, so put on the videos for her to watch.

9. Check in on her. She might be sleeping already and you can continue with Facebook and 9gag.

10. It's mid-afternoon. The baby will wake up and require some munchies. It's handy to keep baby-friendly cookies like those with made with oatmeal.

11. Spend some lap time with baby. Have her sit on your lap and watch Youtube videos together. Sneak in some Facebook and 9gag time in betweens.

12. If she gets bored, you will know when she moves a lot and is itching to go down, put her back in the crib with toys and videos on. Get back to the computer for continued Facebook and 9gag fun(?).

13. The baby may attempt to call your attention from the crib in the room and you are in the living room, just answer in the same baby language and she will understand that you are busy with Facebook and 9gag.

14. When it gets dark approach baby and ask if she wants her dinner already. She will give you her biggest smile and that's a sign for you.

15. Feed her with Cerelac and milk.

16. Clean up mess and prepare bath water.

17. Clean the baby from head to toe. Play with her in the bath for a while then it's time to towel dry and clothe the baby for nighttime sleep.

18. At this time, lower your voice. Prepare a little bit of milk for her to drink just to enforce her fullness and induce sleepiness. The faster the baby sleeps, the earlier you can get set for the night by Facebooking and 9gag-ing before work time.

19. Eat dinner, dimwit. You missed breakfast and lunch already. Unless you are on a crash diet, well, go and nurture yourself and have some energy for Facebook and 9gag.

20. Turn on TV and watch soap operas while on Facebook and 9gag.

21. After it all, wash the dishes, clean the kitchen, sweep the floor, mop it clean, arrange stuff, smoke it. Joke! Seriously, arrange some stuff. It helps with your integrity.

22. I'm pretty sure after doing all those from 5-6am-ish, you are going to smell stinky. Shower, stat!

23. You will feel fresh and renewed and given new wind for Facebook and 9gag.

24. Be aware of your start time. Check the baby. Make sure she doesn't need anything else before you start working. If she does, attend to the baby first.

25. Work. Finally!

26. Check staff's work diary. Reprimand them if you see a single shot of Facebook or 9gag. Or any other non-work related shots.

27. Stop time log. Check on Facebook and 9gag for 5mins.

28. No more excuses this time. Work must be done.

29. Stop work at 2am. Fix the baby some milk and sleep. If bf is still not home, text him to come home. If he's home, make some coffee and initiate small talk.

30. By 2:30am-ish, get in bed and....... sleep.

31. When you wake up, do number 1 again to 31!

There you go! I've put together a list for you if these slashes should fit your foot, then feel free to try on the shoe!

For what it's worth, all the hard times are still so worth it!

*the list above may or may not reflect the writer's behavior and day to day tasks. on some days, there may or may not be a slight deviation.

One at a time

2013-01-02T06:22:00.001+08:00

My first job was working in a call center and we were taught to multi task such as talk to a client on the phone while typing some notes. In a way and in that situation, it was effective but as time goes by it becomes monotonous and almost robotic. I hardly paid attention to every case as every call was just a job to do and taking notes was kinda automatic. Because of that fast paced life, I adapted to the quick fixes for my favorite things like reading. Instead of going for hard bound and paperback novels, I resorted to magazines with decent enough articles just to quench my reading thirst. I would read a magazine, watch tv and sometimes surf the net all at one time. Multi tasking at its best. But I didn't enjoy it. It was harried and there was no joy in it, only the act of consumption. Doing with no pleasure.

As I grew up, I learned that taking things slowly is better and more enjoyable. It is better to do things one at a time. In the long run, this strategy is the most effective as you get to pay attention in every detail, examine the parts and absorb the knowledge as you go. No half baked efforts which results in no back jobs.

In life, this also applies the same. One at a time is best. We give our all or most if we choose to to that one thing or person at one time and in here we learn to be creative, resourceful, smart, wise, patient and positive. Not to mention the big possibility of pleasure in all aspects. All or none. And at this stage of my life, since 2010, I believe I would rather get it all or none.

The above paragraph deals with one mind expansion only, not considering the many factors in the equation. Here comes compromise. Compromise of values, principles and convictions and it is thought as notwithstanding to the love and happiness and pleasure given and received. There are many layers to this concept, and when you are in the middle knowing there is someone ahead, and having that gut instinct that there are distractions after you, you are stuck questioning yourself whether this is worth it or not. The heart does not decide, the mind does, and the mind wants to stay firm and hold ground and be content with the available time a person can allocate for the situation.

As long as this time is not compromised and taken by the distractions, I believe we'll be fine. We will be until happiness, love and pleasure runs out dry.

The year that was

2012-12-31T00:39:00.001+08:00

Bye 2012. In less than 24 hours, it's hello 2013!

2012 was pretty rough even for my standards. It started it with me in a limbo, finding out the plus sign on the kit, and basically trying to have balance with everything. And I didn't. I almost gave up, but once again found the light that was the island.

Sigh. Towards the end of the year I can say I'm blessed. Having a new baby and a girl really made my life positively glowing. I am just happy to have Z that it makes me stronger every time the ride gets rough.

I miss Tyler. Every day I struggle thinking about having him here with me. I know that someday that will happen.

Now I have two kids. Oh what a dream to have them both with me!

Z. She's just lovely. The way she smiles makes my heart melt. And when at one point and from there on I will have Tyler and Z with me, my life will just be so perfect.

With love and kids in mind, I welcome 2013.

Thank you for the lessons, 2012. I will be tougher and smarter because of you. I will be better.

December 22

2012-12-22T20:21:00.001+08:00

The day after the end of the world. So the world didn't end yesterday, I'm not sure what I feel towards that as the thought of the world ending soon was too big to digest. C'mon, you didn't really think the world would. Maybe something will but not as big as the world. I do have this small anticipation about the world ending and I got a little bit disappointed when it didn't, but life goes on. I believe our individual realities are much harsher than the impending world doom.

Everyday I ask myself where am I and where am I heading and unfortunately there are no answers that I can come up with. I am just thankful that everyday I wake up breathing and surrounded by few of my loved ones. I am thankful that I get the chance to do what I can for those around me and for myself. Someday I will be able to do more and reach out to those who are far.

My life as I know it has been a series of rides. Nothing that I really planned to be on. I was planning to write the things that I have in mind whenever I am in bed as I really think I come up with the best lines (in my opinion) but it gets lots after the moment. I always fail to remind myself to write it down and every time I convince myself that I will remember that epic line and most of the time, I just don't.

Blah. So this is a blah post for an interesting day. I'm getting rusty. =) Lack of practice. I find that I am getting better at talking to my coworkers about work but what I am really hoping for is to be a better speaker for whatever. I'm not really sure. Blah blah blah.

Maybe next time I'll be better.

The Saturday

2012-10-14T03:01:00.000+08:00

Tha Saturday, mind you.

So I got off work at 4am Saturday and snuggled up to bed. It wasn't a good sleep. Woke up at 7:19am to fetch my weekend yaya and my Tyler's previous yaya (who is my weekend yaya's daughter) at the main road. Fast forward to - we cleaned the house, I did my bit of introduction to everything. It's my first to do this since a long time ago to finally have a yaya with me. And only on weekends. =) I already have a dynamic with my weekdays. Working at night and tending to the baby and sleeping on mornings until it's time to work again.

When our yaya first saw Z, her first reaction was she looked like her father and that there's nothing that she got from me. I objected and said, no of course not. It's obvious she got 2 things from me: vagina and cuteness. Auntie Lilia (yaya) and En-en (Tyler's yaya) and me all burst into laughing.

By 4pm, I excused myself. I just had to sleep! So sleep I did and I woke up again by 9:56pm with all my body screaming in pain. I don't know why, maybe it's just telling me to give it attention a bit since I have not been able to fully rest since I gave birth. I cook, I clean, take care of the baby, do the milk and diaper run, and everything. I decided to get a massage and I hoped that would help. I did a bit of work and told Auntie that I'm going to get a massage and meet up with the BF after. Gladly, she said okay. And I kissed Z goodbye and took off in the dark of the night by 12:10am.

I arrived in Divisoria and I was really shocked. People, people everywhere. LOL And more people in police uniform carrying armalites. What's happening to Cagayan de Oro, the city of golden friendship. Someone made a cellphone trigger bomb and loaded it with concrete nails and bombed a hotel downtown. I hope whoever did this felt so golden after and he can't move a muscle.

Stepped in to the spa. Oh choices choices. How could I ever decide on which massage to take on when there are so lots of it to choose from and what difference would that make. I was only carrying what's left of the milk and diaper money the BF gave last week so naturally I chose the cheapest one, at a staggering price of PhP280. They made me sit at the lounge while they invisibly prepare my relaxation pod inside, and in 5minutes I was called in by a kind lady who led me to a lowly lit room with lounge chairs. I sat and they had my feet washed in lukewarm water with salts. I always feel awkward when someone does that to me, so to break the ice, I just had to ask the lady something.

Me: Kanang shiatsu massage, sakit na?

Lady: Oo Ma'am, pero ma relax ra man ka paghuman.

Me: Mao bah? Unsaon man nako pagrelax nga sakit man kaha?

Lady: Maka relax man japon Ma'am. Ang kini man gud gamiton oh (points to her thumb).

Me: Ah. Naa pud moy accupressure diri?

Lady: (pauses to think for 2 seconds before answering) Hmm, wala man Ma'am. Soft, medium ug hard pressure ra.

The situation was very hard. I didn't bother to say more. What could I say to make her understand what I said, right? Unless I wanted to school her and maybe include the rest of her workmates.

The Swedish massage the receptionist had me try was rather bland, unlike the situation explained above.

I really don't wanna delve into details anymore, I know I will just bore whoever reads this.

So, finally, the hour was up. She asked me if I wanted hot tea or water, I almost suggested if they had iced tea, but stopped myself and answered instead "Water". I got up to get dressed and as I was about to put my corset on, she came in with a glass of water and put it on the massage bed.

The reason why I wore a corset is because I don't have bras anymore, it's all in the laundry and maybe it's not done yet.

The BF texted: Aren't you done yet? I replied, I'm done, please fetch me.

I'm already outside.

Perfect.

Our first date in months. We went to dine at some 24/7 place and it was just nice to be with him. Just him and I.

We went home to be with Z and snuggled in bed. A perfect cap to my week. =)

Swim with the whale...in the pool

2012-09-15T20:08:00.004+08:00

Posting my second maternity pictures taken by my good friend Apple at the Eco Village Park pool. I say this would be the most daring thing I've ever done while pregnant. (Not including my motor bike stints in the island of 90-100kms/hr speeds and getting crashed by another motorist on my 5th month, LOL)

A piece of advise: don't do a maternity shoot in Eco Village. The climb up...you'll regret it after the shoot. Hehehe.

As of this typing, the bulge you see right there is out. Born just 11 days ago, at exactly 11:04 am. A healthy baby girl who weighs 3.033 kgs and measures 50 cm. Happiness right out of my ... She's my second and I can say double happiness is just great joy. <3

Spicy Tuna Pasta

2012-09-11T00:45:00.001+08:00

I've always loved pasta. I think I mentioned that in one of my posts and I will say it again and again. I love pasta. It has been my favorite food since I first ate it, and cooking with it is always a great joy. My experiments with it started with the basic tomato sauce and hotdog (a childhood birthday party staple) then it graduated to the more gourmet types such as pure tomato sauce, combination of fresh and dried herbs, tuna, anchovies, olive oil, aubergine, squash, and almost about anything I can think of. I have a slight aversion to meat so I try to come up with healthier recipes for pasta.

For this recipe, I used a more common ingredient which is tuna and I picked the hot and spicy kind. Cooking this is so simple and basic but the flavors lend a complex taste.

1 small can hot and spicy tuna
80g pasta
250g sweet style sauce
half of onion, minced
4 cloves garlic, pressed and minced

Cook pasta according to directions. Saute garlic and onion in tuna oil in a pan. When translucent, add a dash of black pepper to activate the spiciness of the oil. Pour in the contents of the tuna can, cook for 3 minutes. Add a dash of dried basil and oregano leaves. Mix and cook for another minute. Pour sauce and simmer for another 3 minutes. When the pasta is cooked, mix it in the pan and cook for another minute. Serves 1.

Optional: Serve with toasted garlic butter bread.

*you might be asking for a picture and I am ashamed to admit that I forgot to take one. LOL Next time, I'll remember to do so. But if ever you do follow this recipe, feel free to take a pic and send me a copy. ;-)

Maladjusted

2012-08-22T17:59:00.003+08:00

It's fucking painful. One might ask, where? And I wouldn't even know how to answer that.

So why do I cry and where is exactly is this pain coming from? I sense a vague feeling of a ball up on my throat and my tears start to fall, then my heart aches for moments. I cry like a child would, feeling all the helplessness and surrender and the pain of wanting that something that I can't have. And if I may continue, like Morrissey sang, And it's driving me mad - it's written all over, all over, all over my face.

Last night, words floated up my mind and caught it before it could drift away. We are all addicted to pain and there is nothing more that we crave than the truth. Even if it hurts. It's sad. I feel no more different than those who are in a rehab for chemical addiction. And the sadder thing is, I'm so sober and I am going through this.

The source of my pain is no other than the one who loves me. I chuckle at the memory of a past love, there was this time we were playing and I pinched him and he almost cried because of the pain and I told him, Love hurts. I guess this is life telling me, right back at you Caye. Well, fuck you life.

Moments ago I contemplated whether I am ready to move on. I almost decided that I am, but decided against it instead. I am in no way stable in all -cally's of the human and societal aspects, and for practical reasons I think it is better to stay in this rut for a little while.

I received a comment on my post that I mentioned that those who adapt to this behavior are plain maladjusted. Maybe I am. Or maybe because I simply don't have a choice in this matter that will not cause me to suddenly become a beggar or a desperate person which would put my baby's life in a not-so-comfortable situation.

My second time around...

2012-07-13T23:10:00.003+08:00

Pregnancy is not always an easy thing, and especially for me since this is already my second time getting pregnant, the condition I had when was having Tyler is also the same, or maybe even worse. Back pains, pre-term labor, more than frequent contractions, and a new thing for this time: hypertension.

But all these are notwithstanding to my happiness. Life has just so much to give. <3

Maternity photoshoot by Jessica Jane Villegas - Capturing Smiles Photography, shot on location at The Malasag House.

Thanks Jess for the shoot! And thank you Lee for letting us do the shoot in your wonderful house. =)

Treasure!

2012-07-03T01:25:00.004+08:00

Once in a blue moon I find myself looking around folders in my laptop and online, and almost always I stumble on old write-ups of mine that totally surprise me. These write-ups are hauntingly mine, yet I feel so far away from it. Which is why I need to remind myself once again to always write what I feel because I will never be the same again.

This picture reminds me of my carefree days

Specimen 1, subject: Loose ends

If one thing is being done at a frequency that could well be in line with the mandatory or necessary such as breathing, people tend to take this thing for granted. Like breathing. There is a proper way established both by science and alternative science, though at this point, as far as I am concerned, each of their published methods have not been reconciled. So, disregarding that there is actually a proper way to breathe, many people suffer physical pains due to minimal oxygen inhalation, thus minimizing intended oxygen absorption of our red cells and finally making true the theory called Domino Effect. Lungs will not then be expanded up to its capacity, our brains will not have enough supply needed for all its areas to function properly and lowering down all systems of the body. Bad physical state + bad mental state = Trouble to the nth power. Now, if only babies are taught this the second they come out...

Going back to the first sentence and in another perspective, if one thing is being delivered in the same amount at the same time, the taking-it-for-granted feeling that will result is natural. Natural for humans. Why? Because humans are naturally greedy. They come across something either by luck, chance, or even if it's something they worked hard to get to, at some point they become greedy for whatever reason they can come up with.

Loose ends. If something goes out of line, routine, track, path, plan or maze, it is called a loose end. If it happens on a bigger scale, loose ends. There are a lot of ways to deal with this challenge. Fix it. Iron it out. Put it back on track. Specific, problem-oriented solutions. Simple.

Then down the road another loose end shows up. Identify the problem and fix it. Done. Say, for an ISP's client with internet issues, it would be easy to have them call again as that's going to be another cash in for the company. "Your inconvenience is our Business!". But this does not apply in real life. Once, twice, three times, maybe. But for repeats after the third one would just be plain stupidity. Lucky for you if there is a support group who can get wind of your dilemma and you might just be in for an adrenalin rush. Like the last round of a high stakes boxing match viewed live international, you wearing a wool and fleece, foam-padded and bullet proof head gear with bullet proof glass eye shield. You get to win, but only if you are good in fighting it out but in the end, you will still come out unhappy when you are finally left to your own devices to fight your demons alone.

When we come to a loose end, it's ideal to be mentally and psychologically present in the situation. The presence referred here is the attention, focus and time required to be able to see through any kind of challenge. Forget goals, or the next step, buy time to look back and reflect on what happened and change your strategy. Solving one problem at a time loses its effectiveness after three accounts.

The first experience of a high is always one of the things we almost never forget. The best. Out of this world. One of a kind. Can't quite replicate that. We try and try to get that feeling again but we have already forfeited our chances. We only get to have that once in our lives, then we move on to another that can give us more high than the previous one did. We always top it off with something.

Life is short and there can only be so much that we can do in one lifetime. Unless we are gifted with the believed 9 lives of cats. We can do something in moderation, chew on it until it loses its flavor, dispose of it properly and look for a new gum with new flavor or color perhaps to excite us. Buy that dream denims, wear it out, name it as your favorite jeans. One day, the fashion industry tells you there's a new style for jeans and it's hot right now. You head out and get yourself one, wear it until the fad fades. Then you go back to your closet and grab your old fave jeans and you feel most comfortable like the time you first tried it on.

Some things are meant to be had, cherished and left for a while. Because we know we will always feel at home with that. We try on new things then use it until it loses its capacity to sustain our interest. We bid goodbye then go back to the ones we left then we would feel ourselves again.

Special: something you always go back to, accept you even after a long period of separation. A lace-up shoe is always better to run in. You may need to tie it up once in a while but it never gives up on you, like a strap-on shoe will.

*Something is losing out on its effect, maybe the quality or the frequency, I'm yet to find out. But either of the two, this point calls for a break to recuperate.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Specimen 2, subject: Curiosity kills

It sure didn't kill you or me. It killed something else.

Love.

Anyone who has ever survived this life up to a point where there are evidences of fruits of it will say that there can only be one love.

Sadly, there are people who are just curious to try what it feels like to be in love again, as their own supply of love which they have subscribed to back then just doesn't cut it anymore. So they detour and find another love.

He loves her. She got shocked. But she loved him back. He is happy. She is ecstatic. They are both lucky.

Or so they think.

All good things must come to an end. But real good things never fail to produce a sequel. It's a cycle of good and bad, but what matters most is that it remains a cycle until you both are dead. Which immortalizes this saying, 'til death do us part. Ironic.

Do not give up on love. No matter how small, big, quick, dangerous, romantic, friendly... Doesn't matter. Love is love. You don't stop loving a person unless there is no more. And when there isn't any left, you will both know. Until then, keep loving. This makes the world go round and eventually the world will be a better place.

Curiosity doesn't kill. Lack of it does. Curiosity leads to discovery, which leads to events, self-knowledge, enlightenment, awareness, appreciation, new vision and finally love.

*My heart bleeds for what might be the probable near future of the above story. I hope they find it in themselves to truly accept that they love each other greatly, despite their past and present. For tomorrow is only for fools. As the famous line goes, Why not now?

That's all for tonight, chums. I will try to sleep again and hopefully this time, I will fall into hynagogic state.

BP

2012-06-30T23:56:00.001+08:00

Woke up pretty late today and felt great so I decided to be with Tyler kid and make up for lost time. Then his father decides that I can't take him because he has cough and colds so he needs to stay home to heal faster. I told him I will pick him up and we will buy meds and food and stay in my place. He insisted no. I got angry but maintain my composure; showing someone who has no voice nor backbone your weakness in the situation does not help. But tears fell from my eyes. I mean, how could it be so bad for a mother to take care of her son? And how does that aggravate my son's illness?

I guess shared parenting is not exactly that. One parent cannot expect equal leniency and favor from the other, especially if the other still lives with parents. Come to think of it, if we were both to focus on the child's wellbeing, is it not a well thought idea for a mother to care for her kid at this time? Isn't it the best for both parties? Isn't it the best for the child?

My BP rose to unusual numbers. At least for me. Black and white vision is not good especially if you're commuting and pregnant. I thought of getting myself to the ER but decided against it when I was nearing the hospital. I went to my bestfriend's house instead. I surely don't want another hospital gig this month. Maybe in the next 3 months would be okay. But damn, I know self control is the only way to survive in this world full of idiots but I imploded. I got hit. I admit I have rage, but I have not let that out for quite some time now. The last time I remember was when I fist slapped someone's chest several times out of anger in Makati Avenue when I was pregnant with Tyler. It did me a world of good, letting that out . And I have not seen that self again. Yet.

For someone who I thought was a good, gentle guy, I may have remembered him in the past life. I think he's the best dad anyone could have, but not the best co-parent anybody could have. I just wish the person would take initiative to make decisions, not because of external forces. But because for the good of all, especially for the child. Focusing on the present and not about the past or the future.

I hope for the best nothing like this will ever happen again. I don't want having to fight for my right to my own kid. Because it's a right, not a privilege. Kids are not luxuries or possessions that you can hide from people, and even that you have to share.

Today

2012-06-21T15:11:00.001+08:00

On this day last year, I was just off something and kind off out of balance for quite some time. I had gone thru quite a realization that if I don't stop, what happened to me the night before June 17 would surely happen again. So I stopped. Just like that.

Today, I am solidly off it. Not since I quit but since I found out I was pregnant earlier of this year. I am on my 6th month now, struggling with my sensitive pregnancy and going in and out of the hospital. Medications saves me and my baby from the unmentionable.

So what has changed since then? Last year I was quite the lost one, still feeling my way thru the holes and pits, not yet steady and sure. Today, I am feeling quite sure of where I am going and how I'm going to get there. They may be people who are compromised at this point but I am confident I will be able to get back to them as soon as I am able. Patience does have a price, but I am willing to risk it because I believe what matters is the ability, and not the situation.

I learned, unlearned and relearned a lot of things from the past up to date and I have nothing to regret. They all have taught me that I have myself to trust, that I have a lot of things to be smiling about, and there are a lot of ways to be happy. So I choose to be happy despite the struggles because one day all these will end and everyone will be happy again. Maybe not at the same time, but we all will.

=)

Be a Calcium Kid

2012-05-27T13:49:00.002+08:00

We all need calcium to help make our bones strong. Taking calcium tablets seems to be not enough as most of it are not absorbed in our bodies. Good news is we have food alternatives to get enough calcium that not only can help our bones but also satisfy our tastes as well.

1. Calcium fortified cereal —1000 mg / ¾ cup

2. Low fat and plain yogurt—415 mg / 8 oz.
3. Orange juice that is calcium fortified—350 mg / cup
4. Sardines—325 mg for every 3 oz.
5. Fortified soy milk—300 mg / cup
6. Spinach—291 mg / cup
7. Low fat milk—290 mg / cup
8. Low fat cottage cheese—206 mg / cup
9. Cheddar cheese with reduced fat—200 mg / ounce
10. Canned salmon with bones—181 mg for ever 3 oz.
11. Processed tofu with calcium—163 mg / ¼ block
12. Crab meat—123 mg / cup
13. Almonds—110 mg / 1/3 cup
14. Cooked broccoli—61 mg / cup
15. Cooked beans—25-65 mg / ½ cup

Another vitamin that helps in calcium absorption is Vitamin D. Sufficient intake of this vitamin is crucial for the bones to absorb enough calcium and use it properly. Without this, any amount of calcium intake will be wasted.

There are many ways to get Vitamin D and the famous way is exposure to sunlight. However, doctors have warned against sun exposure just to get Vitamin D because of skin cancer, aging, and dehydration. We can, however, stay outdoors for a short time and make sure we have sunblock on and sunnies. And while we are getting tan, let us remember to drink lots of water for proper hydration.

Some milks available in the supermarket, especially in the US are fortified with Vitamin D. But if one does not have access to these milks, fret not as there are many other good sources of this Calcium helper.

1. Salmon, cooked - 360 IU / 3½ ounces
2. Mackerel, cooked – 340 IU / 3½ ounces
3. Tuna fish, canned in oil – 200 IU / 3 ounces
4. Sardines, canned in oil, drained – 250 IU / 1¾ ounces
5. Milk, nonfat, reduced fat, and whole, vitamin D fortified – 98 IU / 1 cup
6. Margarine, fortified – 60 IU / 1 Tablespoon
7. Pudding, prepared from mix and made with vitamin D fortified milk – 50 IU / ½ cup
8. Ready-to-eat cereals fortified with 10% of the DV for vitamin D – 40 IU / ¾ cup to 1 cup servings (servings vary according to the brand)
9. Egg – 20 IU / 1 whole (vitamin D is found in egg yolk)
10. Liver, beef, cooked – 15 IU / 3½ ounces
11. Cheese, Swiss – 12 IU / 1 ounce

So now we have all we need to be bone healthy and strong! Cheers!

Another tough shell to crack

2012-05-26T23:00:00.000+08:00

Finally, silence.

Weird that I felt relieved when my friend left with her friends to party. They were heading to this last summer party here that's quite famous and is always celebrated every year. The past few days since Thursday has been quite a change from the semi-idyllic living I experienced in the province when I stayed with my cousin who lives just near my father's place. I had stayed there for almost a week, had to leave so as not to stir more trouble as I already had when I took up my cousin's offer to stay with her. Strange that her younger sisters did not like having visitors over, I would guess especially families (me a first cousin) who they have not seen for the last decade or two. Their house is a 5-bedroom house with a space so huge anyone could have a party of 100 in there anytime. But it's their family house and they can make decisions as they wish.

Here in my friend's house, she had just assumed this property months ago from a friend. It's a unit from one of the low cost housing subdivisions in the area and I can say the units are pretty decent. It's like rows of seemingly endless townhouses almost identical to each other, differentiating themselves by their owner's personality. My friend has her cousin living with her who also works at the same resort she works for. She is the bar captain in one of the bars there, her cousin an on-call duty waiter. The life they live is like a mechanical dream. They work, party, work, party and work. And in betweens, they make a pause to reflect on where they are in life.

I think I have just come out of my depression. I was feeling so sad since I got here. Sad because of the agonizing wait that I have to experience just because of an unclear business structure in which I got involved with in the island. I am one of those people who like to be on schedule in terms of calendar dates and this whole waiting thing just messed up my rhythm and gave me depression. I am 4 days behind already as I am supposed to go back to my place by the 22nd, and now I am still here and it's 26th already. I am mad, angry, sad, depressed, outraged, name it, I feel it. And at the bottom of it all, I feel so disadvantaged. Insulted even. I could waste all day writing about the emotions I felt and feel up to now but I won't delve into that. So much time I have wasted here already doing nothing but feeling all kinds of things. And I am pregnant.

I am 5 months pregnant. I have gone past the nauseous stage but this week it feels like that stage is coming back to me again. There are moments in a day that I could vomit because of anxiety and friends tell me it's not good. This is not good. I'm supposed to relaxed and stress-free. I miss my Tyler, my love, my pad, my bed, my semi-functional kitchen, my small space. Me. I missed fulfilling my obligations this week because of this. And just because of this.

I feel like a negatron. I can't help but feel so negative with all this problems of non-delivery of payment. Excuses, lack of communication, mistrust, backlogs, and just general badness of the whole thing. I remember a friend who introduced me to the positive side of things and I am trying to go back to the feeling of being able to see the positive side of the bullshit, but I just can't see no mushroom. I just see bermuda grass with a whole big pile of shit on it.

I feel sorry for my baby who have been affected, and whose life I risked because of my impulsiveness. She (it's a girl) has been my anchor these past few months and continue to be throughout this event. She moves a lot already and we have bonded in a way that only those who have been pregnant can understand. She touches me whenever I'm too busy and sometimes it tickles, and I touch my tummy to let her know I feel her. Then I would feel a series of shifting movements inside as if she were settling into a more comfortable position inside of me. I am thankful to have one strong baby girl.

We have gone through so much, me and her. My first 3 months were weekly trips to the ER and getting admitted because of pre-labor contractions. Puking, nausea, pain all over. I went through it all worse. My weekly expenses for my vitamins and meds was PhP4,568. I was always advised to stay in bed. But me, I could never let grass grow under my monstrous feet. I don't want my pregnancy to stop me from living my life. And I did. I still went out to shoot and recently tried firing a .45 caliber gun and found myself quite good at it. I have been used to air rifles since I was 7 years old and the shift to hand gun was somehow disconcerting because of the different stance and discipline I had to learn. I applied the same style of breathing and it just worked. I was feeling bored one day and just took a bus to Iligan to dip in the beach and paddle on a surf board, praying for waves. Unfortunately, there were no waves that day but I went home still happy from my adventure. Now that my tummy is big, I haven't been able to move around that much. Can't eat a lot but have to accommodate my cravings that can range from juices to ice cream to cakes to pizza to fruits, and this happens any time of the day.

I will be giving birth on September. So excited to finally have a baby girl. I have Tyler boy and now a baby girl. =) Life is lovely after all.

Little bits of heaven

2012-03-26T16:46:00.002+08:00

Last night, I asked him: Why did you decide to tell me that you love me?

He looked at me ever so seriously and darted back his eyes to the ceiling and replied: You don't decide when you feel that kind of thing, you just say it.

Of course, I knew better than to accept his answer. I told him: There's always that point of decision where you think if it's better to say it or not.

He didn't say anything. He looked as if he was thinking of how to put out what he was going to say. Then I said: Why didn't you hide it? I hid my feelings from you.

Hid your feelings? You are so transparent. You were just glowing with love.

He hugged me and said: I love you.

I love you too.