Love, Life & Musings

Goodbye Lover!

2011-12-31T10:40:00.000-05:00

'Tis bittersweet to see this year come to an end. I titled this post Goodbye Lover because during 2011, I truly fell in love with life all over again. Twenty-eleven was good to me and for this I am grateful. My year was filled with abundant blessings and clarity. When I reflect over the year, I am simply amazed at how God put the pieces of my life together. This year, things began to make sense. I began to understand how my past sufferings contribute to my current life. Everything truly does happen for a reason. So, as I see this year to its end, I thought I might share with my readers a few lessons that I learned this year. My hope is that the lessons I learned will help others reach their full potential.

2011 Lessons Learned:

1. Be your own competition. I believe this is one of the most valuable lessons that I've learned this year. Each day is about beating my own personal best, not someone else's perceived best. The truth of the matter is that we are created individually unique. Once we discover our purpose we become even more unique because we then understand the reason for our existence. Purpose is uniquely assigned...no one can do what you have been created to do like you can do it. So there's no need to compete. There is a time when competition is appropriate, but I suggest one not institute this in the realm or true friendships or relationships. It will suck the life out of them every time.

2. Travel one-way towards purpose/vision. Once your purpose has been revealed and you are clear on it. Lock in and go! ONE-WAY. Let nothing and no one stand in your way. Become unyielding and relentless about achieving your goals. Remove all distractions, people or situations that do not contribute to the direction of which you are traveling.

3. Remove toxic people expeditiously. This is a tricky one...life is tricky, mostly because it involves people. I believe that difficult people were placed on the Earth to build our patience. However, one needs to know when enough is enough. This year I learned that when you are clear about your life and moving in a positive direction, such can be intimidating to others. So much so that they try to do one of two things...duplicate it or destroy it. Unfortunately, neither is effective unless you allow them to be. So, cut your losses early, get rid of them and move on.

4. Beware of small-thinkers and dream killers. Oh how important is the company we keep! When folks start sulking and giving the "woe is me" speech about everything in life that they are fully capable to achieve, but making no effort to do so, I get annoyed. Nothing has began to bother me more than able-bodied folks, with all the potential to achieve greatness, yet they sit back and do nothing. AND, as a result, they seek to discourage your dream by trying to convince you that you should do the same. NOT SO, learn the art of ignoring people...it's necessary at times.

5. Let love in. This year birthed many surprises concerning love. Love can reveal itself in the most peculiar places. In fact, sometimes love can look differently than what we expected. True love comes in a form that provides much of what you need, a little of what your want and sometimes even a couple of things you don't want. Sometimes, it's best to let love in and just go with it, even when your are afraid. It's okay to let people love you...it really is.

6. Check emotions appropriately. There is a difference between emotion and discernment. I find that people often confuse the two. Sometimes that feeling in your gut is emotion and not discernment or intuition. Making decisions based on emotion is dangerous. Emotions often derive from circumstances or mood, thus meaning that they can be fickle and unstable. However, discernment is the ability to judge well. In my opinion, discernment comes with wisdom and relationship (in particularly with God). When emotion is high in decision making, I've learned that silence is best until discernment takes precedence.

7. I have my own permission to rest and relax. A life of purpose is power-packed and often crazy. It's organized chaos, especially in the early stages. Rest and downtime is essential to sanity and success. As such, I reserve the right to turn off my phone (or ignore calls), not answer my door, save emails until later and just relax whenever I feel it is necessary. It's okay if the timing of my rest is not convenient for others.

8. Make time for those who are important. When reflecting back on numbers 3 and 4, I began to realize how some of those people were taking up precious time that is due to the ones who really care about me and my future. My support system is key. They consist of those who are not competing against me, nagging me, trying to make me feel guilty for achieving or jealous. They are those that are confidently secure in who they are; therefore, they are comfortable in supporting me. They deserve my time.

9. Only believe. There is little room for doubt and would've-should've-maybes in success. Believe that great and wonderful things can happen. See yourself achieving the unthinkable. Make this your conscious reality, not the negative self-talk that often comes naturally.

10. Trust God in all things. It's easy to travel to a place that you have not visited or even seen if the person escorting your knows exactly where you are going.

I hope this New Year brings each of you a life filled to the rim with purpose and joy.

'Til next time...être bien!

A Message of Truth

2011-11-18T23:33:00.000-05:00

On Balance

2011-11-18T23:30:00.000-05:00

I've come to understand that balance is a figment of all of our imaginations. I do believe that it exists; however, it does not exist in the manner that we often seek to achieve it.

This weekend I was reminded that my life is not balanced. However, I do manage imbalance fairly well. These were the words that my pastor shared with me, and immediately I realized that he was describing my life.

This thing called balance is funny. In our efforts to achieve and maintain balance, we often create more imbalance. For example, in most cases, I start my day with a plan. I have a ticking list of items that I seek to achieve within the day. Because, I am an overachiever (yes I can admit that), there have been times in the past that have gotten a little anxious when people, occurrences or mishaps disrupt my plan. What then happens is that I begin to fight against the "thing" that is disrupting my "plan", thus creating more imbalance. Now, my time is being consumed by trying to make everything fit perfectly into my little life box, instead of allowing life to happen and plan around it.

It wasn't until I surrendered to the fact that I only have limited control over my life that I began to have peace. Here's the facts:

I can control what I do, and what I do only. I do not control other people.
I can not control the elements or the cosmos. However, those factors can have an effect on my daily plans.
I have no control over the ignorance, or foolishness for that matter, of other people. However, I do control how much of it I will tolerate and how I respond to it.
Even the best laid plans fall through sometimes and those mishaps are a part of the overall life plan, which only God controls.

So, here's the conclusion that I have come to. There is no harm in trying to be superwoman. Such aspirations are my prerogative and the prerogative of all other superwomen. However, there comes a point in time that one such superwoman has to realize that balance might not take on the persona that she thinks. It might look something like this:

6:30 am: Workout (As much as you would like to, you need to skip it because you didn't get into bed until 2:00am working on a research paper)

9:00 am: Arrive at work (Take an hour of leave because that one extra hour of sleep makes a difference in your level of coherence [and tolerance for others] throughout the day.)

9:00 am - 5:30: Eat lunch in your office and try to knock off at least 10 of the 100 major things on your workday to-do list. Once you accomplish those 10 things, actually congratulate yourself. Tomorrow brings another 90 things to do. And, don't forget to find time to take your car for service (no time to do that after work), schedule your dental appointment, and create a grocery list to fulfill at some point.

5:30pm - 6:00pm: Travel to school listening to NPR so that you can distract yourself away from traffic and the other 50 people who are talking on their phones, feeding their babies and digging in their backseat while driving in the middle of rush our traffic.

6:00 pm - 7:30 pm: Pick up items from the library, meet with your advisor, and attend another meeting.

7:30 pm - 7:45 Travel home and enjoy the peace that will end as soon as you get home.
7:45 pm - 8:10 pm: Feed the dog, fix your dinner, clean the kitchen and drop a load of laundry.

8:10 pm - 1:00: Read three chapters, respond to school and business emails, start the next writing assignment and search for textbooks to purchase online to get a jump start on next semester.

Apparently, even the best laid plans fall through sometimes...it happens. And what's even more peculiar is after a period of time...such craziness begins to feel normal and the lack thereof feels abnormal. Or, maybe it's just that I'm so invested in my life calling that craziness is a small sacrifice for the ability (and privilege) to live a life of so full of purpose. Who knows?

'Til next time...être bien!

The Return of the Relentless Cantaloupe Plant

2011-07-05T10:52:00.000-04:00

As mentioned in previous blog posts, I am an avid pescetarian. As such, I am all about local, fresh, organic, sustainable...all those aspects raise my antennas. So, in an attempt to enhance my pescetarian lifestyle, I have taken on the task of organic gardening with an intention to grow much of the food that I eat often.

Home Greenhouse, Lowes.com

My initial intention was to grow a few veggies that frequent my kitchen via take out of that I cook such as zucchini, onion, carrots and tomato. My thought was that I could reduce my grocery bill by growing my own food in addition to the added health benefits. So, I started most items from seed in a little greenhouse similar to the image on the right. I later learned that growing tomato from seed, as a beginner gardener, is a bit ambitious. Also, I decided that I would grow all items in containers to reduce the chance of visits from my slithering friends. I DO NOT like snakes!

But, here's the question that I have been asking myself, "Kristin, if your intention was to simply grow a few items that you eat, why do you now have a three-tier garden stand and a host of seven different items?!" I confess, I have become a bit over zealous (sigh), I tend to do that. So, here's the run down of what I currently have in my container garden: black beauty zucchini; cherry, Better Boy and Heirloom tomatoes; black jalapenos; okra; onion; cilantro; carrots; basil; salad greens and cantaloupe. Cantaloupe?

It's a long story. Let's just say that I went to the farmer's market to get peaches and I left with a cantaloupe plant. What can I say? Farmers are friendly. However, this is not just any cantaloupe plant! She is RELENTLESS. When she came home with me she was healthy. I replanted her in a happy container. To my surprise, my curious dog, Dynasty, found the smell of the plant appealing and decided to pull it, root and all, out the the container a few days later. I returned home to find the plant on the ground, wilting and begging to be saved. I then, replanted it and began to water it and nurse it back to health. THEN, for about one week something began to chew on the leaves! I thought to myself, "seriously?!"

Like the relentless gardener that I am, I began to research ways to revive my plant online. I began to spray the plant with soapy water each day to keep pest at bay. I also added organic plant food and watered ferociously. Then one day, on a beautiful Monday morning this is what I found...

Meet Mrs. Cantaloupe...she's relentless!

Look at those beautiful little flowers reaching towards the sun, just waiting to produce fruit. Ooohhh, I was just delighted! The moral of the story...A little love, attention, focus and relentless nature always has a way of surprising you with success!

'Til next time...être bien!

Power Word of the Day: Relentless

2011-07-01T13:09:00.001-04:00

RELENTLESS (adj.): persistent; never-ceasing

If you want to have anything in this experience called "life" you must be RELENTLESS about it. It's just that simple.

It is my belief that there will be a time in which most goals that you seek to accomplish will require little effort to achieve. It will appear as though life is feeding you with a silver spoon and the stars have aligned in your favor. I can remember the times in my life when such was the case. In fact, until I reached my thirties, I had achieved (with success) every single goal that I had set out to accomplish with little effort. What do I mean by “little effort”? Well, I created a bare bones plan in most cases and followed the plan. In most every case, the result was success.

Then, I was introduced to the new me in my thirties and God began to further develop my character. He began to show me that there would be goals and tasks that would require persistence, sincere faith and deep focus to achieve. I began to notice a pattern of God revealing tasks to me that seemed to be near impossible in the midst of limited resources or no clear plan. I later realized that I did not need to know the plan if He knew it, but that’s another blog entry. Moreover, I learned that there are times in which God wants to see just how serious we are going to be about the tasks that he has set before us. I learned (and am still learning) how to be RELENTLESS in regard to any task that He places before me.

In my opinion, a life without purpose is a life that will never reach its full potential. Emptiness, disconnection and a feeling of “there’s just something more” will always exist in the life of a person who has not found their purpose. That said, when we look at our power word for today, it is important that one become RELENTLESS about finding purpose first. If one can become relentless about finding their purpose, they will have little difficulty applying that relentless nature to other areas of their life.

So, just what does it mean to be RELENTLESS? For me, it means being fiercely determined and indubitably focused on my destiny. It is first, accepting what God has revealed to me; second, saying yes to the assignment; and third, knowing that God would not have given the task to me if he did not feel that I was well-equipped. Being relentless means staring into the face of naysayers with a smile and the consideration that they will often not understand the task that has been given to me. It will and should only make sense to those to which it needs to make sense. It is about being willing to lose friends, jobs, family members, whatever it takes to reach my full potential. Even more importantly, it is about being honest with myself and reminding myself that it is often ME that stands in my own way, not others. Further, it is about checking myself and getting into alignment with the BIG PICTURE and understanding that it is not just about me, but there are others connected to the fulfillment of my purpose.

So as we journey into our long weekend I ask….What do you need to become relentless about today?

Happy Fourth!

'Til next time...être bien!

You get what you pray for!

2011-06-03T09:34:00.000-04:00

I have a confession. Sometimes, I pray for something and when it arrives I forget that I asked for it.

I have an inclination to believe that I am not the only person with this issue. I suspect that there are many reasons why this happens. Perhaps it’s because we ask for things in the midst of a crisis and once cooler heads prevail, we realize it’s not as much of a crisis as we thought. Or, maybe it’s that we make a request to God and he answers in his own time, which may often be after we’ve moved on to other requests. There are times that I get so lost in my time with God and who He is, that all other cares fade away, including my immediate request. Whatever the case, for me, it often requires me to institute mindfulness to recognize the answers to my prayers have arrived.

The other day, in a moment of meditation, I realized that God has answered a major prayer request of mine. It was a revelatory moment. Right there, under my nose, was a major move of God and I didn’t even notice it! How could this happen? How could God change my world in such a major way and I not even catch it?!

As always, those thoughts led me to a trail of other thoughts that helped me to arrive at a few confirmations:

God does indeed answer prayers.
God’s love is unconditional. He meets our needs even when we’re not paying close enough attention to even say thank you.
Mindfulness is essential in developing our relationship with God, and with others.
Just as God is patience and unconditional in his love towards us, we (referring to believers) are called to extend this same grace to others.

I can’t speak for you, but I sure do have work to do regarding mindfulness in my relationships, especially in my relationship with God. I have a sneaky suspicion that if I was able to miss a major move of God occurring right under my nose, then it’s likely that I have missed a few others things. In the midst of a whirlwind life of high expectations, constant demands and pressures, it behooves me to recognize where God is moving. More importantly, it is necessary for me to join God where he’s moving, which can’t happen without mindfulness.

Happy Friday!

'Til next time...être bien!

Where have I been?

2011-05-22T20:30:00.000-04:00

Hello my friends!
Well, I've received a few messages from followers asking "Where are you!?" Things have been a bit quiet on Love, Life & Musings lately, and for good reason.

As mentioned in a previous post, I work full-time and I am a full-time graduate student studying Marriage and Family Therapy. As such, there are times that the demands are high and require me to be fully engaged. I absolutely adore the field of Marriage and Family Therapy and I am convinced that practicing in the field is one of my life's callings. Therefore, I make the necessary sacrifices willingly. But, this does not mean that I don't miss sharing with you guys in the meantime. :o)

Another reason why I haven't posted lately is because I post when I'm led to share. For those of you who enjoy creative writing or journaling, you know that one doesn't always have "something" to say. As a hard fast rule, I think it's best to keep quiet if you don't have something productive to share. Each post that I share comes from a very authentic place, be it authentic humor, encouragement or randomosity, it's all from a pure place. So, if I don't feel strongly directed to share.... I don't.

Also, I've been toying around with different templates and designs for this blog. I am seeking out a format that will encourage more open dialogue between readers and myself. It's likely that the design and format of this blog will change in the near future. If so, don't be alarmed...it's still the same Love, Life and Musings, just with a make-over.

In the meantime, thanks for the support and all of the kind comments that you've offered regarding the content of this blog. We all learn from each other and I take not for granted the wisdom offered by others.

'Til next time...être bien!

Confidence vs. Arrogance: A Conundrum

2011-04-13T08:30:00.001-04:00

For all intents and purposes let’s start with the basics…

Confidence
1 a: a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances b: faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way
2: the quality or state of being certain
arrogance
: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions

My interactions with others and all that I see in the world today leads me to believe that people have no clue that the aforementioned have different meanings. As I skim through the status updates that appear upon log in, I am often irritated and confused. It appears that many people have created a science out of “tooting their own horn”. In fact, the horn has been tooted so much that its blaring howl prevents one from hearing anything else.

Make no mistake; I am the first one to celebrate a person with confidence in their abilities. However, confidence turns to arrogance when one feels the need to remind people on a regular basis of their greatness. The truth is, if you are seriously that fantastic other people probably already know it. I see no purpose in reminding people of the obvious. In my opinion, reminders are only needed if you are unsure of who you are.

When I log into Facebook and hear the countless horns tooting away, I feel sad and concerned. Especially considering a large number (nearly all) of these people are adults. Instead of hearing the kudos, I hear the following (I have inserted random fictitious samples to drive my point):

Status: My swag is at an all time high. Get on my level.
Translation: “I’m insecure. But I want you to believe that I have it all together. “

Status: You gon’ wish you never left this. Don’t you know who I am? He does me right. Don’t hate.
Translation: “I’m immature. I am mad at my last man and trying to make him jealous with my new man. I want everybody to know that I am getting some and that I have a new man!”
(Not to add the new man changes every week)

Status: I am the best thing that ever happened to the world. Thank me!
Translation: “Not only am I grossly delusional, but I want you to think that I think highly of myself. In actuality, I am trying to convince myself that I am great, because my self-esteem is majorly low”

The preceding status updates may seem far-fetched but I have actually heard much worst. It saddens me to think that, even as adults, we have not arrived at the wisdom's doorstep called modesty. Even more unfortunate is the fact that people will comment and celebrate this foolishness, thus encouraging more of it. I guess misery does indeed love company.

My grandmother would tell me as a young girl, “Let someone else toot your horn sometimes.” I learned the power of such as I aged; I found modesty to have its place in every lady’s life. I’m not saying that we should not have confidence and congratulate ourselves when we accomplish greatness. However, I am saying that we should live a life that beckons positive acclaim. It is my belief that those who live out loud with purpose and zeal will always get noticed. Yet it’s noteworthy that they are rarely the ones seeking kudos.

When we try to convince others that we are great by attempting to assert our superiority, we appear insecure and shallow. We reek of unhappiness and have a negative effect on everyone that we touch. Perhaps we should reserve our energy for the time that we need to legitimately compete, hence requiring us to “toot” just a little bit. Modesty and confidence are attributes that everyone can appreciate in a husband, wife, coworker or friend. But arrogance just plain stinks up the place no matter where you go.

'Til next time...être bien!

Winning

2011-04-11T11:46:00.000-04:00

Monday Morning Musing #6

Somehow, this concept of "winning" has been grossly misrepresented by our dear friend Charlie Sheen. In recent interviews with various reporters, Mr. Sheen has concisely laid out his concept of "winning". According to him, "winning" is: having tons of beautiful women at your disposal, nice cars and lavish houses, embracing a life where you do exactly what you want with no regard for others and most importantly, pursuing this lifestyle with "violent hatred". He admits that his decision to respond in this matter derives from feeling misused and kicked around.

This comes as no surprise, as most people who are as reckless as he has become are often doing so as a defensive mechanism. In my opinion, Mr. Sheen is not winning. As his ratings raise and his popularity soars, it may appear that he is but be not deceived.

True Winning
Initially, I planned to title this last Monday Morning Musing "The Power of Failing". After further consideration, I decided that "Winning" was a much better title. My intention is to share my personal formula for winning in contrast to Mr. Sheen.

For me, winning is getting up everyday and pursuing the purpose that has been set before me with extreme vigor, tenacity and tunnel-vision focus. The level of focus that I am referring to requires great sacrifice. It often means laughing a nay-sayers, missing out on events that you would like to attend, losing sleep and even losing some friends in the process. In order to truly win, one has to be CRYSTAL clear about their purpose and calling in this life. This vision then becomes that foundation for everything that you do.

More importantly, for me, winning is realizing that in the life of a believer there is no such thing as failure. Every life experience, failure and success alike, provides valuable lessons from which we can learn life-changing principles. "Winning" is not about the amount of material treasures one can store up. However, it is about the everyday actions and impacts that create the total sum of a legacy that speaks to future generations. It's about having the relentless passion to pursue a purpose or dream with everything within you. Even Mr. Sheen seems to understand this concept, as he has pursued money and revenge with "violent hatred" (his words not mine). So, what's stopping you?

Are you winning? This week, spend a little time thinking about how you are "winning" or what changes you need to make to "win" in this life. We'd love to hear your thoughts! Share them with us by commenting below or Twitter (@lLoveLifeMusings).

'Til next time...être bien!

Fashionably Late Spring Cleaning

2011-04-10T00:45:00.003-04:00

Available from my closet :-)

Well my friends, I'm doing a little Spring fashion cleaning. What better place to start than my closet? It may come as a surprise, but fashion has always been my second love (Psychology/Counseling is my first). It is my belief that fashion and style is about more than just fabric and garb. In my opinion, fashion is an outward expression of the inner most parts of a person's soul. It is possible to learn much about a person from what they are wearing. I know, I know...we've all been told to, "Never judge a book by it's cover." But if we're being honest with ourselves (and we should be) we all do it.

Let's face it. Fashion is big business! It's the very reason NY, London, Milan and Paris Fashion Weeks are among the most coveted tickets of the Fall and Spring seasons. However, my thoughts around fashion are not about "haves" or "have nots". For me, it is simply an opportunity to allow my creative juices to flow in a way that brings me great joy. I am not a label-crazed shopper. I will wear anything from thrift to couture...as long as it is effortlessly fabulous and fits my personality (and compliments my body type).

So, I'm getting rid of a few items that have (or never had the opportunity to) serve me well. You can find the fruits of my closet cleaning labors here! At this point, every closet in my home is filled, mostly with clothing that I can no longer wear, as I am now 5 dress sizes smaller. So as I strive to reduce my excess, I welcome you to take a stroll through my closet.

'Til next time...être bien!

Love, Life and Musings on Twitter!

2011-04-06T12:01:00.002-04:00

The Love, Life and Musings blog is growing! Find us on Twitter @LoveLifeMusings
Follow us, Tweet us, Retweet us...share the love!

The Looking Glass

2011-03-28T12:52:00.002-04:00

Monday Morning Musing # 5

“Other people’s defenses look unreasonable only because you can’t see their memories”
-Unknown

From time to time I will jot down quotes that resonate with me in my Blackberry. Sometimes I remember to note the author and at other times I do not. In the case of the above quote, unfortunately I did not. However, the quote remains valid and powerful.

Source: NYDailyNews.com

It is indeed true that others' defenses appear unreasonable to us. In most cases, such is true because we naturally view their defenses, flaws and expectations through the lenses of our own life. We make hasty decisions about the intentions of others based upon how we would respond. In fact, observing our personal thoughts and how we perceive others can serve as a looking glass into the depths of our own psyche.

Think of situation in which you jumped to an erroneous conclusion about a simple matter. It’s happened to all of us. Or, perhaps there was a time that you assumed that your partner committed a particular action in ill-will. If we take a closer look at our thought processes around our assumptions, we will likely find that the assumption had more to do with our defenses and less with the person’s intentions.

Our defenses derive from places of pain, hurt and insecurities. We all have them (and some more than others). The memories of our lives create a backdrop that often influences not only the way we see ourselves, but the way by which we see others. Our defenses, albeit counterproductive at times, are mechanisms that influence every aspect of our lives.

The Take Away Point for this Week

Sometimes, in efforts to learn about others on a deeper level, we must initiate conversation about the story behind the defenses. This week examine the way in which you view others’ defenses. Take a little time to get to know that person on another level. Their story, just as yours, are rich and full of setbacks and achievements.

Then, take a step back and look at your own defenses. What are you most afraid of? How do you respond when you are afraid? How are those defenses communicated to others? I believe you’ll find that we all have our stuff, which is why grace is in order when dealing with others. Shall we agree to extend a bit of grace this week?

Here’s to a splendid week! ‘Til next time… être bien!

DISCLAIMER: I recognize that “defenses” is a broad term that, for many, can include abusive behaviors. I am by NO means encouraging anyone to entertain such behavior. No one should tolerate abuse under any circumstance. For help: 1.800.799.SAFE
(7233)

A Victim of Singleness?

2011-03-22T08:00:00.001-04:00

Your state of victimization did this to cupid!

As a single person, I have come to realize that we often create a persona of victimization in our minds. It's clearly evidenced in our conversations from day-to-day concerning our financial situation and personal life, among other topics. My experience and conversations with other singles has taught me that we often view our singleness as a form of punishment or purely unfair. It is indeed true that there are factors that may contribute to one's singleness, especially among African Americans. This is a fact. But, do those factors qualify a single person as a victim? Say it with me, "I am not a victim of my singleness". However, seeing yourself as a victim can certainly result in remaining single.

Americans have historically adopted the idea of 2.5 kids and a house with a white picket fence as the American Dream. Though not often stated in the cliche, the dream historically includes the institution of marriage. This dream, as we know it, is evolving (in both negative and positive fashion). However, as evidenced by the growing number of matchmakers (websites and professionals), singles still desire to get married. Let's face it, who wants to grow old alone?

The manner in which one views himself as a single person can have a profound effect on how long they remain single. I say "some", because I do not feel that it is every person's fate to marry (though singles do not want to accept this fact). If one decides to see himself as a victim in singleness, he/she must also accept the fact that they are seeking to be rescued (a recipe for disaster in any marriage). For example, a single woman may consider her life to be hard and unfair because she has to carry my own groceries into the house or get her own oil changed in her car. This very attitude has a direct effect on how she presents herself to a potential mate. Her displeasure and discontentment with the tasks associated with her own life will paint a vivid picture in any man's mind. All it takes is a couple of conversations.

Men are not exempt. A man may see his life as less than convenient because he doesn't have a woman to put a meal on the table every night. In turn, he stands the risk of appearing chauvinistic and lazy to a potential wife, thus reducing his chances to get to know her. The aforementioned examples are minor (and perhaps trivial), but they are indicative of further-reaching situations that we often use to validate our state of victimization.

Being single is not a curse. In fact, one can choose to see it as a gift. Notice that I say, "choose". In order to do so, I believe one must consciously commit to not comparing his/her life as a single to the life of a married person. There will always be advantages to both marital status. When the time comes, those advantages and disadvantages can be enjoyed or suffered accordingly. In the meantime, I say enjoy the life you have because, 1) tomorrow's not promised and 2) life can change so quickly that today's hopes can become tomorrow's reality.

Celebrate love today!

‘Til next time…être bien!

The Stand

2011-03-21T11:32:00.000-04:00

Monday Morning Musing #4

Happy Monday! I recently received a very pleasant (birthday) gift. Among the items included in the package was a cd entitled, The Floacist presents Floetic Soul, a recent release by Natalie Stewart, the other half of Grammy-nominated (and recently dissolved) duo, Floetry . The cd provides diverse musical musings on topics ranging from love to inspiration to achieve life's goals.

Track number 12, The Stand, has become the anthem for my morning pep rally. I feel inclined to share it with you. Perhaps it will motivate you this week...

The Stand

Lyrics

To life
Why are you afraid what you gonna do?
Scared that you may change, isn’t that the truth?
Who are you to say? You’re not gonna win
How’d you ever know if you just give in?
Tell me how will you know? How will you know?
If you just give in, tell me how you’ll grow?
Stand up, you better stand up, come on, every time you fall down
Stand up, stand up, even if you’re small
You can stand tall, come on, come on, yeah
Believe in yourself or who’s gonna?
If you never dream for yourself then who’s gonna?
How you gonna do for yourself, how you gonna … ?
You know you have to prove it to yourself so you’re gotta
Gotta make a change rearrange if you wanna
Make it to the top is a short day you got it
Is a spotlight all for you but to bring it
Bring an A game 18 cause you want it, stand up
Stand up, come on

What you gonna do, what you gonna do?
You’ll just have to choose, choose, where you wanna go, where you wanna go?
What is there to loose, yeah
How you gonna move, how you gonna move?
If you won’t stay, stay, how you gonna flow? If you’re in your way

Tell me, why do you delay? Why do you delay?

And what you got to say? Say
It’s gonna be ok, stand up, you better stand up, come on now, every time you fall down
Stand up, stand up, even if you’re small, even if you’re small
You can stand tall, I’m feeling you

Believe in yourself or who’s gonna?
If you never dream for yourself then who’s gonna?
How you gonna do for yourself, how you gonna … ?
You know you have to prove it to yourself so you’re gotta
Gotta make a change rearrange if you wanna
To the top is a short day you got it
Spotlight all for you gotta bring it
Bring your A game 18 if you want it,
Believe in yourself or who’s gonna?
If you never dream for yourself then who’s gonna?
How you gonna do for yourself, how you gonna … ?
You know you have to prove it to yourself so you’re gotta
Change rearrange if you want it
To the top is a short day if you got it
Spotlight all for you gotta bring it
A game 18 if you want it.
Stand up, come on, stand up.

Natalie "The Floacist" Stewart © FREE SUM Music Publishing/BMI

‘Til next time…être bien!

The Beautiful Burden

2011-03-15T12:18:00.001-04:00

It's not Monday...I know. Work with me...lol
Monday Morning Musing #3

It sounds like an oxymoron, but it's true, you have such beautiful burdens. They fill your life with direction, passion and purpose, but only if you allow them to. What is it that captivates your heart? What do you lose sleep over at night? What is it that seethes within you and calls you to action? Is there something that you feel others "just don't get" about you? Chances are those are the beautiful burdens of your life that seek to lead you.

From a very young age, I have always been burdened by the emotional suffering of others, especially as it relates to family systems. It bothered me to see children raised in inadequate and insufficient environments. I was deeply disturbed by the growing absenteeism of fathers and overwhelming disengagement plaguing the marriages that I witnessed. Though I couldn't fully understand all of the consequences of such situations, there was a visceral response that prompted me to action. I knew I couldn't save the entire world, but if I could simply take time to listen to a friend talk about the effects of their parents' divorce or encourage a teenage mother (and friend) to still pursue her dreams, I felt like I was lessening my burden.

In fact, the burden remains to this day. Albeit refined, enhanced and deepened, I am still burdened by the emotional suffering of others. I am sure my decision to become a Marriage and Family therapist came as no surprise to others. Nor was it a surprise to me because it the burden never left. The seasons have changes, people have expired and life has shifted but the burden has been constant. I have learned to embrace it and doing so has led me into wholeness in many aspects of my life.

I share this information with you in hopes that it will quicken you to give attention to the things that bother you most. Perhaps, your burdens are calling you to a beautiful life filled with purpose and joy. This week spend a little time meditating on the thoughts, feelings and convictions that have remained throughout your life. I'd love to hear about your experience. Here's a few questions to get you started...

1. What is the one thing that angers me more that anything else?

2. What do I feel inclined to do even when I don't have the time, energy or resources?

3. What action, task or decision have I struggled with taking/making for over one year?

‘Til next time…être bien!

Update: I haven't forgotten about "The Laws of Adulthood". A recent occurrence prompted my to revise the post. Don't fret... it's coming. Thanks for your inquiries (and keeping me on my toes).

Specialization of Self

2011-03-07T10:43:00.001-05:00

Monday Morning Musing #2

There’s only one you. There are no duplicates. There is no other original. After you were created the mold was broken. No one can do what you do in the way that you do it. You are incredibly fantastic and uniquely created for a distinct purpose. One should consider this exciting news!

In a world filled with copy-cats, imitators and insecurity, I consider it to be of great importance to honor the exclusivity of mankind. We are phenomenal when we operate at our full potential. One of the greatest privileges of being human is that each day we have the opportunity to specialize in the science of self-improvement. In my opinion, as Americans, we often miss the mark on this practice. Our focus is often thwarted by specializing in selfishness which is not the practice that I am referencing. Instead, I am encouraging you to tap into the power of becoming your own competitor.

When we learn to compete against ourselves, we learn a valuable and motivating practice that resides in every achiever. Who else could adequately serve as your competition? The truth is, competing against another uniquely created human being can only happen within improper context. It is likening to the apples to oranges adage; both are fruit but their properties are uniquely distinct. An apple can’t become a better orange, nor can you become a better Sharon, Hassan or Maria. Yet, when we become a fierce competitor against ourselves we learn to beat our personal best. We begin to stretch our abilities outside of their comfort zone into greatness. Though we will never fully arrive on this Earth (my opinion), we sure can move major mountains and affect real world change while we’re here.

Specializing in you requires courage, perseverance and confidence. It is a call to prioritization of matters of importance. It is a call to embrace who you are and every drop of greatness that resides within in you. So, this week choose to officially “do you”. Why? Because no one does it better!

‘Til next time…être bien!

The Cure for the Lackluster Life

2011-02-28T04:57:00.005-05:00

Monday Morning Musings Series: Mondays are arguably the most dreaded day of the week. For many they represent the beginning of an ever-growing to-do list and reentry into the rat race of life. If the aforementioned describes you, Monday Morning Musings (MMMs) are written with you in mind. Over the next six weeks, I will post new installments into the MMM series. It is my hope that each post will inspire you and invigorate your week with a bit of love and inspiration. My only request....Pay it Forward by sharing MMMs with those you love.

Monday Morning Musing 1: The Death of a Lackluster Life

Seed what you need. These four simple words, spoken by an internet-famed motivational speaker, resonated with me in a peculiar fashion. The concept is simple, yet life-changing. It reminds me of an African proverb that says, "Gbogbo nnkan l'o l'esan." Translated into English, it means, "Everything has its repayment."

If such is the case, perhaps the cure for the lackluster life is to willingly give to others what you need most. Are you seeking love? Love others unconditionally. Are you lonely? Extend companionship to someone else. Are you broke? Give! Such acts are not committed simply with the thought of receiving a reward in mind. The Law of Reciprocity and the Power of Reciprocity is not the same, as the latter suggest that one intentionally gifts another only to receive a favor in return. To the contrary, one gives openly, loves more and seeds great friendship with companionship, not only to simply receive but to impact the lives of others.

The Law of Reciprocity permeates every culture, ethnicity and religious doctrine. It confirms that there is indeed a consequence for every action. Our actions set forth energy on our behalf. What energy will you set forth this week?

Til next time...être bien!

Up next: The Laws of Adulthood

The Pleasure of Goodbye

2011-02-23T14:21:00.001-05:00

I just realized that I don't miss them. You know, all the people that were strategically removed because of their toxicity or negativity. I just realized that I do not miss them.

At the end of each year, I spend time reflecting on the months prior. In years past, my reflections revealed typically one or two people lingering on the list, awaiting the boot. The unfortunate fact is, they often didn't know it. So, as 2010 ended, I embarked upon my usual 3-4 day reflection. I used this time to evaluate myself (one must always start with self), evaluate the status of my long-term goals, and to assess current relationships. The conclusion... 2010 was a year of purging. Negative relationships were released, poor habits were evicted and for the small thinkers...security was summonsed.

Last year was filled with pitfalls and victories. Some of my most fervent prayers were answered after years of conversations with God. Though my victories came at a high price, I am grateful for the experience. Nevertheless, what became most apparent during my reflections was that a couple of relationships that were very dear to me ended in 2010. One was a friendship of over 20 years and the other a friendship with a prior love interest. Both of them were people that I shared some of happiest moments of my life. However, their time had expired. Simple as that. Their placement in my life was no longer beneficial. More importantly, my placement in their life lacked purpose.

Often, we tend to hold on to people (or things) that we deem necessary or important. Yet, we fail to realize that the very thing that we are holding on to may be a barrier to our full potential. For this reason, we must always remain aware of patterns of behavior. As the saying goes, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them". Don't misunderstand me; I am not suggesting that we keep a tally of the wrongs or inefficiencies of others. None of us are in a position to keep such a record. Instead, I am suggesting that one must become relentless about removing, rearranging, restructuring or revising anything that stands between them and the fulfillment of purpose in this life.

I still love the people that I had to remove. I honor the season that they occupied. However, the truth is, people change. Sometimes, they change in a way that is not conducive to your current season. If they remain they will indeed become distractions. There is value in loving someone from a distance.

So, for now....Au revoir ma chère.

What do you need to let go of today? I'd love to hear your thoughts via email or comments. There's freedom in open expression.

Next up: Monday Morning Musings

Stay Focused

2011-02-20T17:21:00.024-05:00

Source: Sitepoint

Stay focused.
For the journey is long and the distractions are many.

Keep the narrow path,
for it leads to places painted with destiny and purpose.

Stay focused.
Greatness has never invited the faint of heart.
However, those who dare to accomplish the impossible will reap if they faint not.

Stay focused.

Purpose carries the responsibility of generations of dreams.

For the destiny you aspire to reach is coated with blessings and covered by the prayers of those who were courageously redeemed.

Stay focused.

Reach far and fervently for your dreams.

The purpose you aspire to achieve has been uniquely planted in the fiber of your being.

'Til next time...être bien!

When Success Goes Green

2011-02-17T12:15:00.004-05:00

Source: The City Fix

Life has provided me with many experiences. My travels have lead me to many people and personalities. Yet, there is one green-eyed character that tends to only visit when "success" (or the appearance of such) is apparent. Mr. or Mrs. Insecurity comes to the party decked in the greenest of fashion with the sole purpose of causing one to second guess their own destiny.

It has been my personal experience that success has a way of threatening those who are insecure. Albeit unintentional, the minute that your dreams begin to take form, there will be someone who will straddle the line between friend and foe. Their personal insecurities will be heightened and shaken by your success. Unfortunately, it can be difficult sometimes to identify the foe because they wear the costume of "friend". After all, they were some of your biggest cheerleaders along the way, even if they were cheering from the sidelines.

The truth is, the view from the sideline can be pleasant but it's nothing like being in the game. The players in the game have a different perspective, as they are closely engaged with the activities of victory. In fact, it's highly unlikely that those in the game even notice those on the sidelines, beyond mere glimpses from the peripheral view. Yet, somehow your gumption to pursue victory threatens their hope for success.

If is my belief that Mr. & Mrs. Insecurity show up to the game dressed in the greenest of green, most likely because they feel their status has been challenged. He/She has reserved their place at the top. As a "friend", you were expected to respect their position. And, though they will never admit it, he/she feels as though they lose a piece of themselves in your success.

Secondly, your success is a reminder of the seat they warmed on the sideline instead of getting in the game. While being preoccupied as a cheerleader and spectator, they lost sight of the very vision that God revealed for their own lives. Spectating has its place, as much can be learned from observing others. However, as a hobby it can become a distraction from one's purpose.

Or perhaps it's none of the aforementioned. Maybe, Mr. or Mrs. Insecurity has yet to find their unique place in this world. They may be unaware that what they bring to the game is wonderfully and perfectly engineered to compliment a specific season and purpose. One's talent can never be threatened or duplicated as it holds infinite and unique quality.

Whatever the case, you should never allow the insecurities of others to affect your success and joy. The journey that you have been assigned has been carefully designed for you, as has the journey of Mr. and Mrs. Insecurity. As unfortunate as it may be, we are often placed in the lives of others as an example of the infinite power of the Creator. If they chose to see (and wear) green instead it will certainly be their personal loss.

Let us decide to genuinely celebrate the successes of others. It is a reminder of the undying grace presented to us each day.

'Til next time... être bien!

2011 is the Year of Love!

2011-02-14T16:39:00.001-05:00

A confirmation gift given to me by a

friend.

*cue the harp, horns and African drums*
Consider this a public service announcement... 2011 is the YEAR OF LOVE! If I had started this blog on January 1st this would have been my very first post. But, since I didn't, you are receiving the news a bit late. Perhaps, love has already found you.

Have you ever had that feeling that something's brewing? A feeling that something good is about to happen but you just can't put your finger on it? Well, I have that feeling my dears. Love ushered in this year with a number of wedding engagements (for friends), fresh new beginnings and lifted spirits. This is a vast difference from years past (especially the past two) when people were making every attempt to keep their heads above water. The downturn of the economy had an effect on more than just purse strings. The hearts of many were broken and tested by an instant change of lifestyle. Others found out the answer to Tina's question of "what's love got to do with it?”

For some, the struggles of unemployment, reduced income and all that the downturn has introduced, may not be over. However, it is my most sincere belief that love awaits us in this new year, regardless of circumstance. I am not only referring to romantic love (I certainly believe that awaits me) but a deeper understanding, sharing and receiving of all love.

My confidence lies in my own commitment to seed more love. I am convinced that love is indeed the greatest gift one can give to another. Love is powerful. It can blind you to the imperfections of others and heal you from the experiences of those imperfections. Love is contagious, captivating and mesmerizing. It is our greatest friend and our closest companion. Will you allow love to change your life this year?

"Til next time...Happy Valentine's Day and être bien!

Exposé # 1

2011-02-11T14:46:00.003-05:00

Transparency can be therapeutic. Far too often we hide behind the person we want to be instead of existing in the beauty of who we are. So, taking my cues from one of my favorite bloggers, I chose a few questions from the Proust questionnaire that I believe will facilitate us getting to know each other better...

What do you savor?

I savor the delicate places in my heart where love has taken up residence and the way it makes me smile when I think of it.

I savor the vibrant morsels of ethnic cuisine that transport me to places that I've never traveled.

I savor the precious moments that I spend with my mother and sister when we do what sisters and daughters do.

I savor the leap that occurs in my spirit each time I step into a classroom to learn about the likes of Murray Bowen, Salvador Minuchin and Virginia Satir.

I savor the ever-gentle kindness that has been imparted to me by dear friends and true loves.

Describe something you learned the "hard way."

Listen the first time! Better to get it right the first time than to repeat the lesson over, and over and over again.

What do you do when nobody happens to be watching?

Wow! I pretend I am a neo-soul singer. *singing loud and off-key* I always say, I didn't receive the gift of a beautiful voice because God knew I would abuse it.

What's your favorite family tradition?

I love the time we spend together at my mother's home on New Year's Day. Each year we meet at her house, right after church (or wherever people are coming from) for a late night/early morning breakfast (around 1:00 am). The spread includes everything from shrimp and grits to fresh toast casserole. It's the last cheat meal before the New Years goals kick in.

What do you do to get centered?

I reminisce on the times when I wasn't centered and how I felt during those times. I remind myself that I have a great purpose to fulfill. My thoughts always find their way back to balance.

What is the best gift you've received from a significant other?

Love. There is no greater gift than love. Further, I received the gift of learning how to love. Talk about a gift that keeps on giving. :-)

How do you define success?

Success resides in fulfilling the purpose of your existence. We all have one. We just have to find it. This is the road to success. You will know it when you find it.

What have you learned about yourself through your friendships?

This is a loaded question... let's see if I can't answer concisely, as the lessons are many.

- I don't have all of the answers.

- People value my advice.

- I construct realities in my head that do not exist.

- I am loved.

- Some things are better left unsaid.

Have you ever felt that you had a special calling?

Absolutely. I feel it everyday. I know that the calling upon my life to help others achieve their full potential is great. I am often overwhelmed by the things that God reveals to me. In terms of "special"...well, it's special because it was given to me (and only me) to achieve. That doesn't mean that it will occur in a vacuum, but the initial responsibilities are often revealed to me first.

"Til next time...être bien!

Blogosphere Debut

2011-02-11T01:08:00.003-05:00

After over one year of consideration, I have finally joined the blogosphere! Quite honestly, I have no idea why I waited so long. So, why now? (that's the question we are encouraged to ask as therapist) Well, the short answer is... it feels like the right time. My friends have encouraged me to start a blog for over a year now. It wasn't until random strangers in random conversation began to say, "You should start a blog", that I began to say..."Perhaps, I should".

My intentions with this blog is to simply share my thoughts about love, life and the musings that influence and often change my life. Considering the fact that I have an avid curiosity about love, it is likely that you will hear about it often. I am equally as excited to hear the opinions of others regarding the aforementioned and more. I welcome any opportunity to learn about others.

Consider Love, Life and Musings a perfect compliment to your morning coffee, midday tea or evening glass of wine.

'Til next time... être bien.