Love Onlne and So Much More by Love Kudos

Cling On or Run Away (What do you do in relationships?)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 06 Nov 2012 19:40:00 +0000

Written by Lindsay K. of Love Kudos

Have you ever wondered why you are attracted to another person? Do we repeat the same types of relationships over and over again? I'd like to welcome you to the blog about the "Psychosocial Journey of the Self" and how, in theory, this relates to finding love and keeping it. There are 7 stages of development that we all go through from 0 to 19 years old. Some of us get psychologically stuck at one or more stages which warps and slows down our maturity and development. This is due to how our parents treated us (think nurture) and how our coping mechanisms worked due to genetics (think nature). We can either minimize or maximize in our behavior, pull inward emotionally or outward.

The first 2 stages are called Attachment and Exploration, which occur in the 0-3 years of life. This is how a baby learns about itself, their caretakers, and the world around them. Depending on how they were or weren't nurtured during these stages of development, compounded by how their coping mechanisms minimized or maximized their situation, will determine if they become a clinger or an avoider. I grouped these 2 stages together because I thought they were somewhat similar to each other.

Avoidant/Avoider: If the caretaker is too smothering or does not provide enough attention, the baby could become an avoider and turn inward for comfort (minimized.) Childhood Image: child crying for mother/father to be picked up. Baby is picked up for a few minutes, then put down. The baby would give up on getting their own needs met and lose contact with their desires. (Who needs you.) I could also label this type of person as emotionally unavailable.

Anxious / Clinger: If the caretaker does not provide enough attention, the baby desperately attempts to get the attention of their distant caretaker. Childhood Image: child crying for mother/father to be picked up. Baby is picked up for a few minutes, then put down and the baby would not give up on their needs and continue the attention getting cycle. (You are never there for me.)

Another theory includes a third attachment type: Secure. Where the caretaker provides just enough attention to the baby. The caretaker is in tune with the babies needs. Secure individuals are more likely to calm those anxious types and are more forgiving to the avoidant ones. Most of us can waiver between this attachment type and either the anxious or avoidant types.

Off the hook, which one do you think you are?

After speaking to my mom about my childhood, I feel that I have more clinger tendencies than avoider ones. She says that I was always asking to help her around the house, and was social, but needed a lot attention. When I was 2, my family moved to Arizona, so she thought I might not have received all the attention that baby Lindsay needed. When I was 7 years old or so, she remembered that I would physically turn her head with my hand, so she was looking at me. I was referred to as the Love Princess, while my sister was referred to as the Ice Princess!

In adult relationships, we reenact those old childhood memories and reopen the wounds in our adult relationships. We choose partners who become stuck in the same or adjacent stage as we did. However, depending on who we choose as partners, the relationship will help or hinder us to cope to those early frustrations. My college ex-boyfriend helped reduce my clinger tendency by securely and frequently telling me his feelings for me openly and honestly when he could sense my insecurity.

Fast forward to 2012, I notice that I'm attracted to (and have formed relationships) with men with avoider tendencies. I'm wonderful, how come this guy doesn't see it? I need to prove to myself that I'm lovable. I'll show him how amazing I am!

Take Joel*, a guy that I went on two dates with. He kept in touch with me frequently via text message. He repeatedly asked me out on dates, but repeatedly made excuses and broke off dates 2, 3, 4, and 6. His behavior made my clinger tendencies amplify. The more he brushed me off, the more I tried to keep the relationship moving forward. Challenge accepted. Cling-on!

The attachment principles teach us that people are only as needy or clingy as their unmet needs!

As I said before, we chose partners that have the opposite coping mechanisms to the developmental stage. Joel is a classic Avoider. He refused my attempts to talk on the phone, but then would resurface a few days later like nothing ever happened. His excuses were based on his own needs: didn't have any money, too busy with work, and temporary vertigo! (I'm not making that sh*t up.) He was either smothered emotionally or neglected at this stage by his caretakers.

Maybe my attempt to psychoanalyze myself is outright outlandish. I'm not a clinger! I was just giving him the benefit of the doubt one too many times, (as a secure individual is likely to do.) What do you think? This guy didn't have his act together or wasn't interested all together. I couldn't imagine actually having a relationship with this Clinger vs Avoider struggle. It would be a nightmare. Those people who do have a secure attachment type, are more likely to recognize the early signs of an avoidant type and would have dismissed him before dates 3, 4, and 5. And that's what I will do from this point going forward!

Commentary from Lauren K.: I wax and wane between secure attachment and clinger type. When my needs are met in my professional life and things are more secure with my family, I am more secure in my dating life and act accordingly. I do believe that how we interacted with our caretakers at a young age can shape us. However, I believe that through self-reflection and work, you can alter your attachment type.

If you like further reading on this topic, please check out Harville Hendrix's book called Keeping the Love you Find, A guide for Singles. This book address all the stages in the picture above.

Another suggested book is called "Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and how it can help you find and keep love." This book specifically addresses issues with the Attachment phase and provides a quiz to determine where you fall in Attachment style.

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JDate ... Online Dating from a Male Perspective

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 01 Oct 2012 04:35:00 +0000

Intro by Lauren K. of Love Kudos

Many of us have ventured into online dating with trepidation and unrealistic expectations of finding love on that first date or dare we say, from that very first wink. However, after only a short period of a time, we tend to ease up, set our expectations a notch or two lower, and plunge ino the madness of internet shopping for a mate. I have admittedly tried OK Cupid, Match, and Jdate, and can honestly say that I have met some great friends and had some quality long-term relationships as a result. Even those dates that went awry have led to great comedic stories. Below is an honest assessment of a young male's first hand account of his first week on the premiere Jewish dating site, Jdate.com.

Submitted by Guest Blogger: Adam R.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012, was a big day in my life. Not only did I run out of the peaches and chipotle cheese that I bought from H-E-B the week and a half before, which caused me to open my fourth case of Texas peanut butter for a nice afternoon garnish, but I did something I thought I would never do in my life.

I joined JDate.

The term “JDate” alone makes some cringe. It evokes the scene of Jewish mothers, sitting together at a Mah Jong game, conjuring up creative adjectives for profiles unbeknownst to their sons or daughters, setting their children up for a date filled with more awkwardness than Kris Humphries at the Kardashian family reunion. It’s a guy that may or may not look like a mix of Seth Rogan’s body type with the social skills of Brick Tambland that is trying to make himself sound like a member of the Rat Pack, or a girl who swears she’s outdoorsy, when all she really means is she likes to watch the Real Housewives on her apartment porch, iPad and cold drink in hand with an apartment view of the local bar scene.

So I definitely exaggerated on that last paragraph. Point is, JDate , like most dating sites we see commercials for, is intimidating, especially being that its business focus is one small demographic. While JDate can essentially be equivalent to Craigslist casuals in places like New York City, Los Angeles, and Tel Aviv, the problem arises in cities with smaller Jewish populations, where your “matches” are essentially the men/women you go out with on the weekends, with little hope of actually dating, or having an interest in dating them.

“Wait!” You say. “Why did you join JDate then, being that you live in a city with a smaller Jewish population than the amount of kids Octomom’s household, and where most of the Jewish girls already know you from your partially witty status updates and not so romantic photos on Facebook?”

Simple. JDate allows another side of you that isn’t your Facebook. Yes, my JDate profile does resemble me in that it’s slightly sarcastic, mildly over the top, complete with conjured up rap lyrics that would make even Tupac jealous, but it is serious as well. It signifies to some women “hey, I won’t use verbs that I found from synonymous for howtomakemelookandsoundlikeaaronrodgers.com, and am a little off-base in how I come across, but also serious in being someone women would want to date and have a relationship with.”

Yes, some of the women in my small Jewish town might read it and laugh, but others may say “Hey, I never knew this side of him, maybe I’ll give him a shot”. This works both ways, when guys view girls’ profiles as well, even though many of us take one look at the photo and simply click “No.”

Even better, for some folks that aren’t exactly Shakespearean in their word diction, there’s a “flirt” option, which allows for slightly cheesy dialogue that is sure to make the opposite party crack a smile and maybe give an emoticon back. Being that I’m a paid member now, I tried this button twice on two different girls. After 4 days it has not worked, probably because A) when I flirted at the time, I had no picture, and had the term “body paint myself for UNT football games”, which probably made the girl think B) I was grossly overweight with more chins than the 2006 graduating class of Shanghai University and C) an overzealous sports fan with a hardcore alcohol addiction from August 30 (Chick Fila-A college kickoff) to February 3 (Super Bowl). Or they didn’t like a 24 year old. Either way, the flirt button is a great tool for those too scared to compose an e-mail.

What about those IT guys, whose eyes are constantly staring at a 30 computer inch monitor all day chatting with angry customers on technical support? Well never fear, you can chat real-time with people. Unfortunately for those in small communities, you’ll see that 95% of the JDate women online are from New York, Maryland, or Los Angeles, but when that person from your small Jewish town gets online, it’s a great chance for you to show off your words per minute speed and make an impression on a girl who might not have viewed your profile before. I might’ve gotten in trouble on my first day on JDate, since I was IM-ing women in New York about how the Giants are a horrible football team, but regardless, this option allows those a reprieve from daily work activities and a chance to make that online connection that wouldn’t have happened if you had just been talking to Ramesh from Outsource Inc all day. And heck, one day, with the right opening IM, that woman who you’ve been eyeing in Tulsa, Oklahoma, might get back to you with a follow-up emoticon.

All in all, JDate is an adventure, which is why I signed up. One year, less than $200 (50 cents a day really) with a chance to meet a bunch of new friends, or meet the person you spend the rest of your life with. It’s a low-risk, high-reward proposition, unless you’re the type who has a penchant for screwing up dates or conveying a false online persona similar to the man described in the Brad Paisley song. Will I have these same feelings about JDate on September 18. 2013, as I’m gearing up for a Cowboys Super Bowl repeat? Stay tuned for new updates on my Jdate adventures.

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100 Degrees + Golf = BAD DATE

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 15 Jul 2012 20:32:00 +0000

Share the Love

Written by Lauren K. of Love Kudos

It has been quite some time since I have mentioned anything truly personal about my dating life. This has been out of respect for the people I have dated and / or everything has been pretty copacetic in my romantic life. In my current single state however, I have recently decided to be a little less selective in who I say "Yes" to going on a first date with. I admit this is partly a social experiment. I am not taking it to an extreme and agreeing to go out with all willing participants, but I am no longer looking at a check list and eliminating someone because they don't meet a certain height or location requirement.

I came to this epiphany when I realized that in spite of my unwritten check list, I fell for someone that did not meet some of my basic needs in a partner. I always say that I want someone who takes the lead in the relationship and makes decisions with conviction. However, the guy I liked can take 30 minutes to decide which sandwich shop he wants to go to for lunch and can get more distracted than me at times. I do think it is important to look at value compatibility, but removing someone or snipping someone as my dad would say, without really knowing them is a bit premature. Perhaps, their caring nature or athleticism overshadows what they don't have.

Using my old system of the checklist, I agreed to go out with *Nate on a first date.

Make Your Own Speed Dating Night

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 11 Jul 2012 03:11:00 +0000

Written by Lindsay K. and Lauren K. of Love Kudos

A reader of Love Kudos recently asked me a question about the first date protocol. Victoria*, a professional with an active social life, didn't want to waste her time on a first date when there was no immediate connection. She would prefer to excuse herself after 15 minutes, instead of talking for an hour or so after clearly knowing there was no interest and/or attraction to the other person. However, Victoria didn't know the best way to go about it without hurting the other persons feelings or coming off as a rude.

Burning Love and Poking Fun at the Bachelor

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 14 Jun 2012 21:46:00 +0000

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In case you have not seen the new series mocking the Bachelor / Bachelorette series, here is episode #1 of Burning Love. You can see more of them on Yahoo's Comedy Network. They plan to produce two new episodes a week. Since Emily Maynard, the current bachelorette, is so boring, this mockery might have more views soon than ABC's Bachelorette series.

Introduction to Burning Love:

Fireman Mark Orlando arrives at the Burning Love mansion to meet his future wife. Will she be beautiful, smart, ethnic? Only time will tell. One thing is for sure, he's going to have a tough time narrowing it down to one woman. Can't he have two? (Contains adult themes)

The exaggerated characters are not too far fetched from some of the unstable contestants they put on the actual TV show. I hope that this online series catches on and that ABC starts to have more of a psychological screening process beyond simply asking potential contestants are you currently married or engaged for eligibility purposes. Let us know what you think. Would you ever subject yourself to being a contestant on the Bachelor or Bachelorette?

Brought to you by Lauren of Love Kudos

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Divorce Dating: Do's and Don'ts

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 19:51:00 +0000

Written by Lindsay K. of Love Kudos
Edited by Lauren K.

There comes a time when you decide you are willing to expand your dating pool to beyond the check box of never been married. Is it time to broaden your horizon to men or women that are divorced or maybe even widowers? If you are dating in your thirties and forties, then you probably have come into contact with a divorced individual and/or you are a divorced person yourself. I am a bit of a cynic about dating a divorcee because of some of my own past personal experiences of dating divorcees on the rebound.

Four C's in Flirting: Love Kudos Technique Recommendation

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 23:29:00 +0000

Written by Lindsay and Lauren of Love Kudos

Thank you for everyone who joined the Pre-Valentine's Day Singles Mixer at Uncorked- Wine Bar. Our live Love Kudos demonstration gave examples of 4 types of people: the d-bag, the slut, the awkward, and the ideal.

Remember the 4 C's next time you see someone who catches your eye.

Compliment: Start with an honest compliment. For example, if she's wearing a sparkly purple scarf, then tell her it's really nice and it brings out the color in her eyes.

Control: In general, it is never a good idea to be the only one asking questions or talking in a first meeting. It should be a dialogue. We are somewhat traditional and it is ok to let the guy lead in the conversation.

What me mean by control is not to disclose too much or be completely "wild" in your approach. Stay in control with your "crazy" side. It should be a natural flow of question / answer. Body language is very important. Do leave your body stance open if you are interested. If you want to shutdown the communication, lack of eye contact and folding your arms. If you check your watch or your phone more than once in a five minute interaction, chances are you have turned off the other person.

Credibility: Although we all love to joke around and say outlandish things, it is a little tricky for the first meeting. Example: If someone asks you what you do professionally and you come back with a complete falsehood about what you do for a living, it sends a message that you might not be comfortable with your current job. You want to sound confident. Lead with strength. Telling the truth is sexy. If you are in between jobs, you can say I recently left my position with "X" and am currently looking for work in "X" field. You can immediately turn the conversation on a positive note if you ask the other person a question about their free time, shifting the conversation from "Work" and into "fun" personal time.

Close: Ask for her number or her email. There are no coincidences. Don't leave it up to chance that you might run into him or her again.

Good luck in your flirting adventures.

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Pre-Valentine's Day Singles Mixer

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 01:53:00 +0000

Please join us and your fellow singletons

February 8th, 2012

6:30 pm - 8:30 pm

Uncorked- Tasting Room and Wine Bar

900 East 7th Street Austin, TX 78702-3217

Extended Happy Hour specials.

Love Kudos Demonstration:

How to flirt without being a d-bag or a slut.

Tips on how to be the best flirt.

Role playing to practice your skills.

Share invite with Friends!

Please RSVP via facebook

Space is limited.

$5 donation minimum at door or
pre-pay online:

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Vision Boards: Do They Work or are They Bull S*&t?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 06:27:00 +0000

Written by Lindsay K. of Love Kudos
To Do Guide by Oprah.com

With a new year, it is time for NY's resolutions, new routines, and the breaking of old unhealthy habits. After a recent TV episode of the show "Happy Endings," I contemplated the idea of creating a vision board. A vision board is a physical representation of what we would like for our future. (See the image to the right for example.) It is for guys and girls, singles and married people, so no one is excluded from the creation of a vision board. Being single and looking into the future, I like to think there is a significant other out there waiting for me. I don't think NOT having a future board has impeded my love life, but would having one help me bring the future into my present?

10 Ways to Provoke and Exasperate a Single Person

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 01:31:00 +0000

Original article posted on howaboutwe.com by Chiara Atik

Additional commentary by Lauren and Lindsay of Love Kudos

Many of you singletons are probably still cooped up with your families post-Christmas and Hanukkah and are probably going stir crazy. If it has not happened yet, you will probably encounter at least one relative or non-relative that wants to pry into your life and "fix" your single problem. We are here to help you with some witty comebacks to their burning questions about your personal life.

The good thing about being single is that people are usually pretty willing to talk about your romantic life, because, let's face it, it's probably more entertaining than that of your seriously coupled-up friends. The bad news? Sometimes, people will want to talk about your love life regardless of whether or not you're in the mood to talk about it. And they will have opinions. And questions. And if you're single for long enough, a lot of these are gonna start sounding the same...

Dating Beettlejuice: A Metaphor for a Past Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 04:17:00 +0000

Written by Lindsay K. Love Kudos
Edited by Lauren K.

We all start out with the best intentions when we start to date someone. It is the process of getting to know someone and deciding if you want them in your life or not. Sometimes we continue to date a person, even though the little guy in the back of our head keeps telling us, "This isn't right." This happened to me recently. My friends all agreed and frequently told me he wasn't for me and to move on. Surprisingly, he moved on before I did, because he met someone else.

As I reflect on this failed relationship, I feel that G-d or fate put this new girl in front of him, so he would be distracted from contacting me. This distraction would allow me to move on emotionally and be open when the right person came along. I felt I had seen a similar plot, but couldn't remember which movie it came from or if this same scenario happened to another friend. It took me a couple of days to realize. I had dated Beetlejuice and lived to tell the story.

Dating: How to Handle Rejection with Dignity and Integrity

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 22:00:00 +0000

Written by Lauren K. of Love Kudos

with Commentary by Lindsay K.

All of us have faced rejection at some point in our lives. Rejection comes with taking risks, and without taking risks in life, you are seldom going to achieve success in dating, friendships, or work. How do we define rejection? The dictionary says, “dismiss as inadequate, inappropriate, or not to one’s taste.” No one likes to feel dismissed, inadequate or inappropriate.

However, we do not all live in Disney Land. Even Tenley Molzahn from the Bachelor had to experience rejection from Jake Pavelka before she rode up to her Castle (The Bachelor Pad) to find love with Kiptyn Locke. She is so lucky that Jake rejected her to find true love.

I admit that I have experienced and dealt out my fair share of rejections this past year in dating. I am proud of the way I have handled my dismissals and want to share some best practices with you men and women out there. Unfortunately, I have been disappointed with and taken aback by the immature behavior I have witnessed from guys lately that I have rejected.

This is not a break up guide. Different topic and different protocol accompanies breaking up. This is about how to handle rejection with dignity and integrity. Although it may not appear that women experience rejection at the beginning of dating, because we are not usually the hunters, we do. When a crush is not reciprocated or a guy asks out our friend over us, we feel dejected and REJECTED. How should we handle this?

Rejection: Don't be a Sore Loser

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 21:49:00 +0000

Written by Lauren of Love Kudos

DON'T BE A SORE LOSER

http://www.socialfresh.com/

At the beginning of online dating, everyone is just trying to get to know each other and all behaviors are magnified and scrutinized. We make judgment calls with very little data and sometimes decide prematurely that we "like" someone. Well, this happened to me recently with someone that lived a couple of hours away. Our first conversation was over an hour and a half and by the end of it, I had already figured out a plan in my mind how we could make the long distance work and how our dogs would become lovers. He has a beige shih-tzu and I have a black and white one. As soon as we said good bye, the texts of endearment began, as well as pictures of his family. I was extremely excited that he was so into me after just a phone conversation. Within the first couple of conversations, we had already covered serious matters such as religion, having children, and marriage. I learned that he was divorced, but had a very amicable break up.

I am not big on letting too much time lapse before the first date, so I definitely pressed to have an in person meeting sooner rather than later. He agreed and we met that following Sunday in Austin. Let me preface that I had a cold and almost cancelled the date, but did not want to delay our first encounter. He took me to Uchi and surprisingly, we actually did not have to wait that long for a table. I was smitten with his looks right off the bat and I could tell he was pleased with my appearance as well. I think he said that my pictures did not do me justice. Conversation flowed, but something felt off for me. It was like talking to Ryan, the too happy go lucky guy, from the bachelor. It seemed there was a lack of sincerity or perhaps I am just more cynical than most. Without divulging details of our conversation, I felt that our personalities were opposite in spite of sharing so many things in common: religion, family pedigree, love for travel, the outdoors, and children. I really wanted to make this work and offered to buy him dessert at Amy's ice cream afterwards. During dinner and at Amy's, I never felt the urge to touch him, which puzzled me.

I desperately wanted him to meet Chloe to see if she would be a perfect match for his dog so I invited him to meet her at my place. It was a quick meeting and they got along really well. We said good bye with a stilted embrace and I apologized that I could not kiss him due to my cold. I should not have acted contrite, especially since I really did not want to kiss him. After he left, I felt sad and began to second guess my dating instincts. Perhaps, I was being too brash and should give him another chance. We arranged a second date in his city for the following Monday. I wanted to meet Chloe's potential boyfriend and see his digs. I thought perhaps the chemistry would develop in time. The texts of endearment increased in frequency that week and the daily affirmation messages started to feel generic.

Caribou left Chloe at the Altar

Our second date was a bit doomed from the start. I was under personal distress and really wanted to get back to Austin as soon as possible. When I got to his place, he welcomed me with open arms and brought up Chloe to meet Aldo*. Aldo was more interested in Chloe's green monkey than playing with her. I guess they did not have instant chemistry either. In his defense, he is much older than Chloe. Don't worry, Chloe still has Caribou, but I thought it would be a good idea to expand her dating pool. (He is not the marrying kind). We left the two shih tzu's at home and went to dinner.

He picked out an Italian restaurant in a strip shopping center that was closed on Monday's. He did not call for reservations. This surprised me given his tenacious nature in other aspects of his life. We ended up at a locally owned restaurant a few minutes from his place. It was during dinner when I realized I was 99% sure he was not going to be my husband. Too much of our conversation was anchored to past relationships and talking about our family dynamics. He did not seem interested in talking about my career plans or about current events. When it comes down to it, there was not shared laughter at the table and I would say dinner could be graded as a B.

When we got back to his place, I wanted to leave, but I also felt a little tipsy from the alcohol at dinner and needed to sober up. We went through his DVD collection and finally arrived at a mutual interest to see Snatch. Great flick that created some good banter between us. He subtly tried to show affection towards me, but was not overtly trying to go in for a kiss or cop a feel. Chloe exiled herself to under his desk and then eventually returned to the couch next to me. Finally at about 10:30PM, I announced that I really needed to leave and stood up to see that my poor dog had just thrown up on his couch. I was mortified. So much for a clean getaway. I immediately cleaned it up and partly out of pity and more out of curiosity, I pecked him on the lips, which he reciprocated. I felt nothing. He was somewhat perceptive and asked me if my sweet, little kiss was an I am sorry kiss.

He later indicated that he had a good time that night and continued writing the morning text affirmation messages. "Have an awesome day, have fun tonight, etc." Although I was no longer initiating any correspondence, only responding to his. A week after my second date, I decided to just be straight up and end what had such a promising start. I called him and conveyed in the message that I wanted to talk about things and catch up. He did not rush to return that message. A day later, he texted me confirming receipt of my message and I responded telling him I would call him that night. "Sounds good" was his response.

The small talk / weekend in review conversation went well and then when I eased into the relationship talk, everything went south. I said, "I just wanted you to know that I don't see this blossoming into a relationship. I see this as more as a foundation for a friendship. I feel like something is missing." I was proud of my words and had carefully crafted what I was going to say before the call. I expected to hear in response, "I am sorry you feel that way. I could sense you were pulling away and I wish you felt differently," or "Are you sure?"

However, what he actually said was, "Yeah, the chemistry is just not there for me. I see you more as a friend too." I was in shock. I guess no one likes to accept rejection. I knew that he was more into me, but he did not want to admit it. I responded, "I am surprised that you would say that given your level of correspondence with me." Then he said the biggest defense response in a harsh tone, "No love lost here on my end." With that, the potenial love connections for Chloe and me were done.

If he had reacted differently, I think we really could have had a friendship and I would have even set him up with another girlfriend. However, given his reaction, I can just imagine what he would be like if we actually had a real relationship, and that is not a pretty sight.

How you end a potential relationship is crucial if you run in the same circles.

Back to article on how to deal with rejection with dignity and integrity.

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Rejection: Friends with Benefits (Must be Mutual)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 21:39:00 +0000

Written by Lauren of Love Kudos

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS (Must be Mutual)

I have quite a few guy friends, some of which are former flings or x-boyfriends. This particular guy did not fall into either of these categories. I really consider him just a platonic friend. Jasper* and I have been friends for a few months and is a few years younger than me. When we first met, I was in a relationship, so he was not given the opportunity to pursue me. In recent months, with my official single status, he has hinted that he finds me attractive and would be open to hooking up. Although, I do find him attractive, I do not want to ever cross that line. On occasion, we go out in group outings for happy hours and engage in athletic activities one-on-one. We share dating disaster stories and also romantic conquests.

By pure coincidence, I happened to have a Saturday night with nothing scheduled and neither did Jasper. We decided to go to see a movie and maybe go to my pool afterwards. He asked me via text what I liked for dessert. Normally, I would say chocolate, but I am trying to reduce my chocolate intake and so I texted back, "Strawberries." The movie theater was just a few blocks from my place. Even though it was in close proximity, he insisted on picking me up from my place and then bought my movie ticket (even after I offered twice). In the theater, he said a few things in my ear to indicate this was not the typical friends sharing popcorn and watching a movie night. My body tensed up and told him that I really just thought of him as a friend. It was very awkward for a little while, but eventually I started to relax. I was certain that I would not have to repeat the "We are just friends" speech again after that. I was wrong of course.

By: da.exblog.biz

When we got back to my place after the movie, it was really too late to go to the pool and I realized that might have been why he thought movie night out was code for "Let's get it on." I told him I no longer wanted to go for a swim. I said, "You can come up for a few minutes to walk Chloe (my dog), it is up to you." He accepts and then asks about dessert. It kind of had slipped my mind, but I was definitely up for some luscious strawberries. He goes to his car and returns with a little cooler containing a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and you probably guessed it, whipped cream. Well, if this was a date, that would have been a nice gesture, and definitely created a romantic mood. However, this just created an extremely uncomfortable situation. He told me how he had experienced some disappointments with women that week and relayed a story to me which showed me he was not keen on picking up disinterest from women. Persistence is a great trait in business and can be with love. You have to be perceptive. It was at this point that he asked me to make out with him. Normally, I might have been flattered, but after I thought I had already set the boundaries previously, I was annoyed. I told him clearly that there would be no making out or anything involving getting naked. He did not take this verbal rejection well. He made attempts to leave, but I convinced him to stay and offered to be a good friend to listen to his plight and try to help him. We ended up watching the last half of "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" and conversing through most of it.

Jasper was not interested in having a relationship with me, but still wanted more than I was willing to give. He did not handle the rejection with dignity and reacted in haste. Eventually, he accepted the friendship and gave up his desire for "Friends with Benefits."

How could Jasper have handled the situation better?

Choice 1) He could have indicated prior to meeting for the movies that he wanted this to be a date and there could have been a discussion about expectations for the night. This could have completely avoided the entire awkward scene at my place.

Choice 2) When I indicated at the movie that I wanted to be just friends and he wanted more, he could have accepted it and not come up to my place after the movie.

I do feel fortunate that we were able to get past that incident and move forward with a platonic friendship. Many male / female friendships have to overcome sexual tension hurdles before they reach common ground.

Back to article on how to handle rejection in dating with dignity and integrity.

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The "Movie at my House" Date

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 22:19:00 +0000

Written by Lindsay K. of Love Kudos
Edited by Lauren K.

So, you've met for coffee, hit it off, and have gone into phase two of dating. You now want to get some sexy time in. The out to dinner and a movie date is not necessarily going to get you on the home premises. By the 4th or 5th date, if things are still going strong, the next step is the infamous "watch a movie at my place" date. Or "I want to make you dinner" date. But here at Love Kudos, we know that's really code for something else.

Negotiating Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 01:52:00 +0000

The following video is from Kids in the Hall, a Canadian sketch comedy group. The skit is about 2 lawyers, Gerald and Gerald, who are negotiating the dating terms for of their clients, Dennis and Lori. Dennis' lawyer offers an index sized proposal for dinner, dancing, and intercourse. On the flip side, Lori's lawyer proposes a 17-week dating commitment guidelines. Please watch the following video and let us know your thoughts!

Yeah, that's about right....

Video Suggested by Lindsay of Love Kudos

Please share your story about a negotiated relationship.

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The Date Went Straight Down the Toilet

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 21:04:00 +0000

Written by Grant Jameson, Guest Blogger of Love Kudos
Edited by Lauren K.

I used to have a rule: Never bail on a date. Now, obviously I would never use the old “let me just powder my nose for a minute” routine, because, a) I’m not a horrible human being, and b) I don’t carry a compact with me. By “bailing,” I instead mean cutting a date short at a convenient moment by skipping dessert after dinner or opting not to go out for drinks after a movie. My rule basically meant that I would stick with a date for as long as the girl wanted to let it go because, hey, it could always lead to sex, or, more importantly, it could always lead to a good story.

However, my date with Kat (not her real name, for reasons soon to be clear) taught me better. I should have seen many signs telling me to punch out at the first available moment. Even before the date, there was the last-minute notification that her friend was with her, and then the sudden change of location from Red River to **shudder** Dirty 6th Street.
Read more »

Makeovers Don't Have to Be Extreme

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 19:52:00 +0000

Written by Lauren K. and Lindsay K. of Love Kudos

Love Kudos is at your service.

Online profiles inevitably are meant to be public, but why do some people have a hard time asking others to look their profiles over? Your friends and family may in fact know you better than you know yourself. I am not suggesting they write your essays, but you might want them to weigh in on your pictures and your "About Me" section. The end goal for most people with online dating is to find a husband or wife, so swallow your pride and get a profile review today. I recommend that you ask a friend of the opposite sex to check it out, because they know more or less what their gender is looking for when they browse through hundreds of profiles out there. However, not everyone has a friend they trust implicitly to be honest and thorough with the editing.

Now, if you are still uncomfortable with your close loved ones editing or critiquing your profile, contact Love Kudos. We will look at your profile objectively and for less than the cost of two months of a membership, you can have a revamped, much improved profile that will generate more responses. If you are not getting at least a 50% response rate from the emails you send out with your online dating site, you need to revisit your profile and the messages you are sending out. We guarantee you will increase your response rate and be receiving more emails from quality people after our profile review. Remember, Love Kudos' mission is to help you embrace love like you have never been hurt before.

This was from the JDate Blog ...

The other day a female friend of mine who had recently joined JDate asked me to take a look at her profile in order to potentially identify any areas that she could change or improve. While I am far from an authority on what people should put in their profile I did agree to take a look at hers since I have a pretty good idea of what the average male is looking for when he reads through a woman’s profile. Unfortunately, the problem I encountered during this process was that I already think my friend is great and know pretty much everything about her, which ultimately caused me to read through her profile with rose colored glasses on.

However just because I wasn’t able to give a particularly helpful assessment of my friend’s profile doesn’t mean that having someone with a different perspective read over your profile isn’t a good idea.

There you have it, even JDate recommends having multiple people review your profile in order for you to put your best foot forward. Essay editing, profile review, and photo sessions are all part of our online dating service options. This summer, we will offer a special discount of 25% to the first three people that sign up for a profile critique, starting on tomorrow, June 23rd. You can purchase services directly from the site.

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Fine Wine and Age Range in Dating

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 19:26:00 +0000

Written by Lauren K. of Love Kudos

Welcome back! Have you forgotten about Love Kudos? - Become a fan of Love Kudos on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, and join the conversation. Also, if you have a love issue, don't forget to write a letter to Love Kudos to ask about your love quandary. We are here for you. Dating etiquette services and more.

I have always expected men and women to be like fine wine, where we get better in time, with a peak of greatness in our 30's professionally, physically, and mentally. However, I have recently discovered that this is a false assumption that needs to be reconciled.

My parents, sister, and friends have all stated that I should be dating older men because they are more mature and know what they want. However, I can unequivocally say that age is a simply a number. It is about your phase in life and what experiences you have encountered before you meet.

Friends with Benefits ... Can it Ever Work?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 20 May 2011 19:36:00 +0000

Written by Lauren K. of Love Kudos
Edited by Lindsay K.

Since college, we have all become familiar with the term "Friends with Benefits." Many of us have had flings or sampled an arrangement that even resembled, "Friends with Benefits." The question is, can it ever really work and be mutually beneficial for both parties? Before I delve into this topic further, I think it is important to have a framework for what I am referring to as "Friends with Benefits." I am an endorser of the About.com definition below:

"Friends with Benefits" refers to an agreement between two people who are both friends and physically attracted to one another to share a sexual relationship. Neither party is considered committed to the other, and both can start dating someone else at any time with prior warning. A friends with benefits arrangement is not considered dating, a relationship or even casual dating by most people who use the term.

When an Ex Resurfaces ... Blasts from the Past

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 12 May 2011 02:39:00 +0000

Written by Lauren K. of Love Kudos

She just received a "feeler" from an ex.
Should she respond?

Men and women both participate in it, but for different reasons and potential outcomes. Some people call them "boomerangers," others call them "blasts from the pasts." They are people that were in your life for a specific period of time in a romantic capacity, but for mutual or not so mutual reasons, have been cut out of your life and then RETURN out of nowhere. Most of the time their texts, emails, or phone calls are unsolicited by you.

In the past month, I have received several "blasts from the past" texts and emails from guys who ranged from people I hooked up with to people I dated briefly.

Read more »

Love Kudos' Happy Hour (May 4th)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 01 May 2011 23:05:00 +0000

This Wednesday, May 4th, 2011 Love Kudos is hosting their 2nd social mixer.

Come to Love Kudos' mixer for your recipe for LOVE.

RSVP via Facebook

Who: Anyone who supports the cause of LOVE
Time: 6:30 - 8:30 PM

When: Wednesday, May 4th

Where: Red's Porch on
S. Lamar / Close to 290

3508 South Lamar Boulevard

Austin, TX 78704

Eat some chips and queso, drink some margaritas, and make new friends.

$5 minimum donation for entrance to mixer. Fun photo booth.
Cash or check only at door. 10% goes to Charity: Town Lake Animal Shelter

Pay entry donation early:

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=UFYEHBT924ZTL

Don't worry, this is an informal atmosphere. No speed dating or other high pressure games.

Add a side of guacamole to your love.....
Here is a suggested guacamole recipe for you.

Mix the following ingredients for your perfect match with chips.

• 2 ripe avocados

• 1/2 red onion, minced (about 1/2 cup)

• 1-2 serrano chiles, stems and seeds removed, minced

• 2 tablespoons cilantro leaves, finely chopped

• 1 tablespoon of fresh lime or lemon juice

• 1/2 teaspoon coarse salt
• A dash of freshly grated black pepper
• 1/2 ripe tomato, seeds and pulp removed, chopped
Garnish with red radishes or jicama.

Please RSVP Yes -to the mixer, so we can reserve the right amount of space.

Love Always,
Lindsay and Lauren of Love Kudos

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Internet Porn gave me an STD

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 04:17:00 +0000

Written by Lindsay K. of Love Kudos

Edited by Lauren K. with commentary

We all know that men are more visual than women. The numbers don't lie when they say the porn industry generates $10 billion to $14 billion a year in annual sales. I'm not the type of person who seeks out porn, but I was conducting some Love Kudos' research on female orgasms. All of a sudden, my AVG Anti-Virus alerted me that my computer was infected by a virus! I didn't click on any downloads or watch any videos. How is it possible that my poor Thinkpad had an STD? Was it curable?

Wine Enthusiast Date Recommendation

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 01:17:00 +0000

Written by Lindsay K. of Love Kudos

Share this blog with your friends

This in the bottle of wine I purchased.

This past weekend I had a wonderful date because my date had planned to take me to a wine tasting class at Water 2 Wine. He knew I favored wine over other alcoholic drinks and suggested we go. I love wine, but I never really knew why I liked a particular glass of Merlot or Cab. Terms like medium or full bodied, tart, dry, sweet, acidic, lingers or falls off can be used to describe wine. And what are tannins, legs and tears? I also wanted to learn what which wines pair with certain foods.

What's in a Profile Name (Handle)?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 03:24:00 +0000

Written by Lindsay and Lauren of Love Kudos

Recently Lindsay was offered a free - one month upgrade to A-list status on Okcupid.com. So, what are the perks to this special service? You can change your handle, expand your search matching options, hide when you view people's profiles, and a few other add ons you can check out if you want to pay and become an A-lister.

Lindsay's A-Lister Experiment:

First thing I did was change my handle from LoveKudos (##) to SweetPetite (##). According to About.com, "a handle (or user name) is the name other members of the dating site will use as your "name". On most dating sites, a handle cannot be used by two different members, thus making it a unique identifier. Very few online dating companies who ask for your real first name like Yahoo Personals does, but in these cases it is highly recommended that you create a fake user name anyway, to ensure your own personal safety."

I like to change my handle every now and then, so now as we are entering into spring, I felt it was time for a change. This change has generated a lot more initial interest, more winks, emails, and favorite bookmarkings than my previous screen name did. I did not add any new pictures or change any content to solicit this increase in activity. I simply changed my handle and was upgraded to A-list status. It could be the spring season that's getting guys more outgoing, but I think there's something to the name.

Should I conclude that handles with the word "Love" are a turn off for guys? Love Handles is not the fat area around your waist. Lauren surmises that it is not the word "love" that was a turn off, but the change to petite that attracted new interest. Guys tend to like petite girls, especially guys that are under 6'0" tall. As a form of entertainment, we want to share with you some less attractive handle names that you should avoid and some tips on ways to create an eye catching handle that will generate the type of interest you are looking for. It's a promotion just like a tag line. You want people to click on your "website" for the right reasons.

Handles that Turn-Off Women:

BigBoobieLover: Perverted
"Name of an ex boyfriend": Triggers memories
droopy51073 or Bettyboop: Cartoon characters
pigbenislols32 : Again, perverted and not LOL
lonesome77x: Desperado
lamename03: Uninterested in a real relationship
iworkout214: Tool

Handles that Turn-Off Men:

Wildchild3066: Loose, good for one night stand
Little_Kitty25: Has too many cats
Smashleyann: Alcoholic

pessimystica: Debbie Downer

more2love_pal: Fat

heatherthegreat: Narcissistic

1-Sexy-Cougar: Name explains it all

Possible Positive Profile Handles: (could be characteristic of who you are, what you like, or where you live)

Skibunny2345

Tallfunin_ATX

SedonaLover1975

StandupforFun2010

BrightSmile6530 (Make sure you have a good smile in it)

LTK23Love

FinancialGuru75

A Love Kudos reader recently shared with us that she was snipped from the opportunity to date someone due to her sarcastic handle name. She found out, because he married her sister. No need to worry too much about the name, just heed our guidelines and you will catch the attention of some great prospects.

Please submit your stories to lovekudos@gmail.com.

We would love to hear from you!

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