You live in your most important vehicle, your body, every single day. When it is not running smoothly, you may react negatively.  If you are tired and exhausted, hungry, overworked, stressed, anxious, or in pain, you likely have a shorter fuse, poor perspective and an attitude that no one around you deserves; especially your spouse.

Sleep enough, eat well, and exercise. Science has shown that all three of these are essential for our daily well-being and, by extension, essential for the well-being of your marriage. I know that you won’t be able to alter everything immediately, and you shouldn’t try. But you know where you are weak. Make a commitment today to change one thing about your eating, sleeping or exercise habits.

When I started working with John, he wasn’t sleeping well. Exhausted most of the day, he came close to being suicidal. During our second meeting, I found out that he was bingeing on junk food, drinking five to six soft drinks a day, and he never worked out.

That irritated me.  He was paying me to see a miracle happen in his life, and there was no way I could help him realize that miracle unless he changed these habits.  So we set three simple goals:  1. Cut out junk food;  2. No more than one coke a day; 3. Meet friends on Friday to play basketball.

One week later he was feeling much better.  Two weeks later he was a changed man.  One month later he was almost off his meds for depression.  And, in his mind, I was a miracle worker.  Hardly.  I just played the drill sergeant, encouraging him to do what he already knew he was supposed to do.

Don’t sabotage all the good things that you are trying to do with health habits that stink. Don’t try to change everything all at once. Start with a few small things and improve a little each week.

Most of us, like John, have a fairly good idea of what we should be doing or not doing, but we don’t have the fortitude or determination to change the status quo.  Or if we do make changes, it isn’t long until we slip right back into old habits. As it was with John, we need a mentor, a drill sergeant, someone to challenge us and hold us responsible for making needed changes.  If that sounds like you, once you admit that weakness, you’re ready to reach out and say, “Yea, I need help.”  That’s where we come in.  We’ve spent a lot of time developing material to provide that help, because we deal with the hurts that people have, show them a new path to take and provide encouragement along the way. It’s all in our Love Relationship System that you’ll find on our website.

For pennies a day, we can help you come out of the trouble zone so you can start living again. Join hands with us and move into a new life.

Dr. Vance Hardisty

International Speaker and Author

Love Relationship Headquarters

www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com

It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.  Husbands and wives need to know how to break the frown habit and choose the easy path – smiling – instead of growling or criticizing one another. Of course, smiles that are on the sneer order or ones that move the lips in an upward curve while the eyes remain cold and/or antagonistic aren’t smiles, at all.  They are veiled hostility.

Some people are so negative, they are ready to  punch their spouses if they come within two feet of them – emotionally or even physically.  Such behavior affects the entire family.  One boy told me that he and his siblings didn’t dare awaken their mother by getting close.  If it was time for her to get up to get ready to go to work and she still was sleeping, they would stand at the door and call to her softly.  As soon as she stirred, they’d run.  Maybe it was because of poor health on her part and possibly heavy stress, but there is no excuse for anyone to take it out on their loved ones.

Let’s play around with an analogy here. Fresh fruit is delicious and refreshing in most people’s opinion.  Perhaps, when the harvest is ripe, you’ve experienced placing it in a pot and bringing it to a boil. As it boils it is fascinating to watch. However, if not watched carefully, it can burn. Very disappointing.  It also is dangerous if it splashes on you. That hurts.  I still have a scar on my shin from that very thing when I was a child.

Now let’s compare boiling fruit to your marriage relationship. The fresh fruit of falling in love and becoming passionate with one another – as you did before you married is fascinating in the beginning. The thought that this other person might do something that isn’t pleasing to you is swept away and discounted. However, unless the euphoria and passion is kept under control when trouble comes, and it is tempered with lower heat, in time it can splash, burn and scar your relationship and/or marriage…especially if that passion is anger.  Disappointment results. Hurt.  Discouragement enters the mix and resentment. It’s not pleasant. It is dangerous to your original delight in one another. It may become so unbearable that you think about walking out permanently.

Back to the analogy.  When fruit cooks long enough without burning, it eventually forms what?  Yep, a thick substance that we call jam.  It’s very sweet and you can spread it on your bread, pancakes or whatever suits your palate. It gives you a good feeling as you enjoy eating it.

We don’t recommend your letting your relationship or marriage ever come to an unmanageable boiling point. We give you steps to prevent that in our books and material for men and our books and material for women. But if it already has, you still can cool it down and, if you do what is necessary, totally reverse things and turn your relationship into a delightful, sweet one. Of course, it is foolish to let it cool down too much or before it has cooked properly. But when you keep it from boiling over, burning, splashing hot liquid of displeasure onto the other person, or cooling it down too much, all sorts of colors burst through on Blue Monday; Trying Tuesday; Woeful Wednesday; Sighing Thursday; Dark Friday and Things-that-have-to-be-done Saturday.

Yes, we know.  Sometimes it’s so discouraging that you can’t imagine how all the unhappiness you’ve suffered could be invalidated.  But it can, and that’s why we’re here.  We’re all about saving marriages. We’re busy making marriages better, even if they’ve boiled too much or too little. Let us help you.  That’s our desire.

Margaret Hardisty,

International Best Selling Author and Speaker

Love Relationship Headquarters

www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com

It was classic; and I witnessed  it.  Here’s what happened.

He looked at her and said, “I’m really sorry, can you just tell me what I did wrong?”

She said, “If you don’t know, then I am not telling you.”

He said, “No really. I really don’t know. If you’ll just tell me, I won’t do it again.”

Silence.

She looked at me then and said, “I’m telling you, he already knows.”

When I looked over at him, he was staring at her, with that deer in the headlights look.  Then he looked at me, looked at her, then looked at me.  Carefully he cleared his throat and said, “Ummmmm, what am I supposed to say now?”

Before I could say anything, she said, still looking at me, “He’s just not saying anything because he’s got a guilty conscience.”

I didn’t know what he’d done.  He shrugged his shoulders. “Look, if you’ll just tell me,” he said again, “then I’ll know, and I can do something about it.”

She sat in silence for a few moments, thinking hard. Then she said, “Well, I’d tell you, but I’m not saying anything because I don’t want to appear petty.”

“I think he really does want to know,” I said in all seriousness.”  Why don’t you just tell him?”

“Oh, I’d tell him, but he’s just playing innocent.”

I burst out laughing.  I know I wasn’t supposed to, but I couldn’t help it.  I  looked over at the guy, and  he was laughing, too. I don’t think I’d ever seen anyone use the tactic, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you” five times, in five different ways in five minutes; but  incredibly, she wasn’t finished.

We both looked at her, and almost in unison said, “Please, just tell us what I/he did.”

She sat back in her chair, crossed her arms and said, “I don’t even remember anymore.  All I know is that I’m mad at him.”

At that her husband and I both exploded in laughter again, and pretty soon she was laughing with us. I think she actually set the record for confusing a guy about something he should know that he didn’t. Six times.

Ladies, I can’t say this any more clearly – HE REALLY DOESN’T KNOW!!  It may be as plain to you as the nose on his face. But he really doesn’t know. It is not plain to him. He usually can’t even make a good guess at what he might have done wrong.

So here’s my suggestion for the next time it happens, when your man does something that he “should know that he did” and he says, “Please tell me what I did,” don’t be offended.

It isn’t that he doesn’t love you.

It isn’t that he is ignoring you.

It isn’t that he’s totally insensitive.

It isn’t that he’s playing stupid.

He’s just a MAN.

And men, really, don’t get it.

Place your hand on his arm, look your guy in the eyes, and say nicely, “It’s just that, Sweetheart, when you (whatever it is that he’s done or not done), it makes me feel like you don’t love me.  I know that’s not true, but you have to know, that’s the way it makes me feel.”  Give him a big hug, a kiss on the cheek, and say, “Thanks for (not doing or doing) that in the future.”

That’s it.  That’s all you need to do.

He’ll forget, though. When he does, don’t do the, “If you don’t know I’m not telling you,” all over again; or, even worse, “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times,”; or, worse yet, “I told you this already and you obviously don’t love me or you would have remembered.”  Accompanied by tears.

Just say, “Well, maybe I didn’t express myself well the last time I told you that it really hurt me when you (tell what it was or wasn’t) because it made me feel like you didn’t love me enough to care about my feelings. But, Sweetheart, you did it again. It’s not a very big thing, but it’s a big thing to me. Would you please try to remember in the future?”

That will work for 90% of men.

Gentlemen, when your honey tells you that you should have known, SHE’S TELLING YOU THAT YOU HURT HER FEELINGS BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T FEEL LOVED AND PROTECTED.  Sorry, didn’t mean to shout.  Here, I’ll say it quietly. She doesn’t feel loved, valued, cherished, special, cared for, protected.  It doesn’t matter if it makes any sense to you.  It does to her.  So no matter how trivial it seems to you, pay attention, and you will avoid a ton of problems. We have more on communication for men – here. And more for women – here.

The little things count most to your wife, because those are the things that, to her, say she is loved.

Dr. Vance Hardisty

International Speaker and Author

www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com

Baseball is a favorite with me, even though I seldom have the time to watch it.  2010 was different.  I took time…at least for the World Series. The San Francisco Giants and the Texas Rangers were battling it out.  At this point, they had played only two games, so what I had witnessed at that time was not the end of the story; but so far it had been a head shaker.  That’s because in Game One, the Giants had dominated until they won by four runs.

Pitiful is the only word to describe Game Two. We started viewing it in the 7^th inning.  That’s when the Rangers pitched 13 balls – 11 by one pitcher alone. He walked in two runs. To make it worse, the game was a shut out.  The Rangers were one very dejected bunch of men when the Giants walked off the field with a 9 to 0 victory.

In baseball, however, as in any sport, fortune can make a 100 degree turn very suddenly.  The one who is limping in last may surprise everyone and come in first. That’s always thrilling to see. As it was the Giants outplayed the Rangers plain and simple.  Well, simple for us who were watching.  Not so simple for the guys out there playing their hearts out.

There definitely is a parallel to their scenario throughout life.  In marriages, for example, there are those that are victorious and others that are shut outs.  We work with both kinds, and a lot of those in between.  We have snatched some from the fire of failure – saved those marriages – made good ones better – helped those marriages – and nourished those that are limping along – leading those marriages to the forefront in success.

So what makes the difference between the ones that step over the line to victory and those who don’t?  Knowledge. Men really don’t understand women – and women don’t know how to clue them in.  (Our stuff for Men – click here) Couples become like two opposing teams, battling it out; but rarely is there a victory for either one of them.

We let men in on the secret of why women act as they do – and women learn from that, too, because often they are just as puzzled as their guys.

There are many facets to it, but one of the most important is to realize that women approach life from an emotional plane.  Men who discover what that emotional plane is and learn to use it in the right way will have women who adore them, not fear them.  Those who don’t discover it, refuse to try, just plain don’t care if their women are happy or not, or think women are stupid, will never be excellent husbands.

Women who are not cognizant of the origins and reasons for the way they act and feel –  truths that go way back before they were born – will never be totally happy as wives.  (Our stuff for women- click here) Furthermore, women have much they can learn about the inner workings of a man’s thoughts and feelings so they can best interact with them.

If I held out $100,000 for you in exchange for fifty dollars – no strings attached – would you take it?  Once you realized it wasn’t a trick, yes, you probably would.  And yet, a superb marriage is worth far more. In fact, it’s priceless. That’s what we are offering you knowledge and practical steps you can take toward having a priceless marriage that will buy you far more happiness than $100,000.

And you single people; the same principles apply to you, as well.  Relationships of all sorts can be priceless if you understand some vital truths about the one with whom you are interacting.

Margaret Hardisty, International best selling author and speaker

www.savingmarriagesworldwide.com

www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com

Hollywood is adept at capturing the essence of the strong woman who can conquer the world, entice men, make her husband glad he is a man because of her and live happily ever after.  Sorry, but that’s not the way it plays out – at least, usually. The woman who leads, controls and outdoes her husband very often leaves him in the turbulence of her wake, to flounder and wonder how and why he got there.

At a gathering recently, a woman approached me and, keeping her voice low so she wouldn’t be overheard by others, confided, “I’m single.  I divorced my husband 12 years ago and I really regret it.”  She had pain in her eyes.  I asked a few questions.  She is very successful in the corporate world, traveling a lot for her company.  For years, her husband stayed at home and reared the children, mostly without her help. The divorce gave him custody of the kids who now are, essentially, strangers to her.

She gained what she wanted and, as a result, lost what she wanted.  Not all of her choices were not wise ones. They caused much suffering to her loved ones – and to her. Her regrets are real.  It’s not possible to undo 22 years of success that resulted in so much failure at home and walk away unscathed.

I addressed this issue more extensively in my latest books than in my earlier ones because it has become a major problem in many marriages. It’s a conundrum, really.  Strong women who are leaders attract, and are attracted to, men who are not natural leaders, ordinarily.  These men may be successful in their own right, but very often the women they choose make more money and successfully handle bigger slices of life than they do.  That’s all right if the men are self assured, comfortable in their own skin and the ladies don’t squash and run over them.  But too often that’s not the case.

So in what arena do both of them make mistakes, frequently dealing a fatal blow to a relationship?  Although that can’t be answered in one blog, I can give you a couple of thoughts that you may be able to apply to your situation.  You will find more extensive help on our website under our material for men and our material for women.

Men: Keep in mind that even overbearing women want their husbands to be strong, too. I’m not talking about physical strength. I know one man who can lift the back of a car up to his shoulders – but he let his wife walk all over him, dictate to him and didn’t do his part to keep her respect.  Upon occasion he would become so frustrated that he’d blow up and blast her with unkind and filthy words.  That added to her disrespect for him. In time, she walked out, devastating him even further.

Women: Instead of concentrating on your guy’s weaknesses and hounding him about them, dwell on his unique strengths and abilities.  If they aren’t evident, find them; and you will, with words, compliments and encouragement, if you use them on a daily basis, see him develop into a man you always can admire.  No guy can become excellent at anything he does, or maintain excellence, if he is constantly criticized (in word or body language) and it is pointed out to him that he isn’t as good at anything as you are.  If that’s what he believes, assure him that, yes, in some areas you are better, but in some areas he’s better. That way, instead of giving up in discouragement, he will try harder.

Both of you remember that, if you left the relationship, you still would be attracted to the same type of person. That’s just the way it is.  If you, as a man, haven’t learned how to stand up for your rights from day one, and take your God assigned position in the home, and if you, as a woman, haven’t learned to cool it and quit trying to control your husband and put him down, you both very likely would take the same weaknesses into the next relationship, as well.

Kind of silly, don’t you think?  How much better to admit your weaknesses and determine to conquer them so that you continue to love each other, your present marriage will be successful and your children will be blessed.

Margaret Hardisty

International Best Selling Author and Speaker

www.savingmarriagesworldwide.com

     At the question/answer period during one of our marriage seminars, one anonymous note handed to us was this:

My husband won’t let me have any outside activities.  I feel smothered.

      He won’t let her?  That sounds odd in today’s climate of relationships.  And yet it isn’t as unusual as you might think. There are men who control their women to the point of emotional or physical abuse.

     In some countries women are treated like slaves and property, on earth only to serve men.  It’s a nightmare for them.  That’s what we see happening under Muslim Sharia law that some people – who ought to have their heads examined, to quote my grandmother – want to see incorporated into our laws.

     I don’t count myself as a feminist, but I’m not blind.  Women fought hard for a deserved measure of equality in this and other free countries – and although they haven’t achieved that equality in a lot of areas – at least they are protected physically to a large extent under our laws. Not so under Sharia law where a man can rape, beat and subjugate his wife (or wives) unmercifully and no one takes him to task. 

     We’ve even seen some idiotic judges in our country decide cases of Muslim wife abuse based on Sharia law instead of our laws – and those women continue to be victims. Hello, out there!  Are those of you judges who favor recognizing Sharia law, Americans or America’s enemies? Have you no compassion or feeling?  Or are you just scared rabbits?

     Why some women who represent the liberal camp politically, are fighting now to see Sharia and other international law recognized here, and their own freedoms eventually taken away, is a mystery to me. It will happen if they stay their course – and guess who’ll be sobbing and trying to march for change then?  They will – only under Sharia and international law, they won’t be allowed to voice their opinions, except as dictated.

     But back to the lady who wrote the question in our seminar. In light of what some people have planned for women now, her problem seems miniscule.  Nevertheless, it should be answered.  Most men who drag their feet on an issue of this sort are afraid that their wives will neglect their homes; get too independent, grow away from them; or will make them feel inadequate.  Sometimes that happens but not usually unless she leaves home for extended periods of time, perhaps as an executive or to join the armed forces.

     One husband we know, when his wife put on a production in their church, was furious.  I asked him why it bothered him.  “Oh, she just wants to be the center of everyone’s attention.”

     Well, she needed someone’s attention.  He certainly wasn’t giving her any.  He wasn’t mature enough to do that; and his protests about her creativity made him look jealous and infantile.

     If that’s your husband, perhaps you can find a healthy activity, hobby or business you can be part of in your own home. Even on the internet. No connecting with other men, though. That’s not healthy.  In time, when he realizes that you aren’t doing anything threatening, he may not protest if you sign up for a class or join a ladies’ group during the daytime hours. Perhaps you could host one. 

     And even though some women of today scoff at this, it’s important that you keep your home neat and clean and cook delicious meals for your guy. That goes a long way toward calming and uptight man. Nurture him while you nurture you. See our material for women.

 Margaret Hardisty, Internationl Best Selling Author and Speaker

Love Relationship Headquarters

You live in your most important vehicle, your body, every moment of every day.  When it is not running smoothly, you react negatively.  If you are tired and exhausted, hungry, overworked, stressed, anxious, or in pain, you have a shorter fuse, poor perspective and an attitude that no one around you deserves; especially your spouse.

Sleep enough, eat well, and exercise. Science has shown that all three of these are essential for our daily well-being and, by extension, essential for the well-being of your marriage. I know that you won’t be able to alter everything immediately, and you shouldn’t try. But you know where you are weak. Make a commitment today to change one thing about your eating, sleeping or exercise habits.

When I started working with John, he wasn’t sleeping well. Exhausted most of the day, he came close to being suicidal. During our second meeting, I found out that he was bingeing on junk food, drinking five to six soft drinks a day, and he never worked out.

That irritated me.  He was paying me to see a miracle happen in his life, and there was no way I could help him realize that miracle unless he changed these habits.  So we set three simple goals:  1. Cut out junk food;  2. No more than one coke a day; 3. Meet friends on Friday to play basketball. 

One week later he was feeling much better.  Two weeks later he was a changed man.  One month later he was almost off his meds for depression.  And, in his mind, I was a miracle worker.  Hardly.  I just played the drill sergeant, encouraging him to do what he already knew he was supposed to do.  And now he was ready to listen to what else he needed to do to save his marriage. 

Don’t sabotage all the good things that you are trying to do with health habits that stink. Don’t try to change everything all at once. Start with a few small things and improve a little each week.

Dr. Vance Hardisty, International Speaker & Author

Love Relationship Headquarters

Warning!  This may irritate you at first and even sound complicated, but I promise you, if you will stay with me, you’re going to learn to do something that will help repair your marriage and your life.

Current psychoanalysis says, “Hey, you have a problem.  Let’s look at your past, so we can figure out why you are so messed up right now.”  The difficulty with that approach is that, when you start going over all the terrible things that happened to you, especially in your childhood, you start blaming others and making excuses for why you behave and react as you do. That encourages you to stay stuck in a poor-me mode.

What in the world does that have to do with marriage?  Well, most current marriage counseling techniques use that method.  Counselors start by asking a couple to think back on all the things that have gone wrong, what happened before the marriage, and what both the husband and wife have done since then to cause problems.  The idea is: Someone messed you up so that’s why the marriage is messed up.

Not a bad idea, EXCEPT, that it doesn’t work very well.  Roy is a good example of that.  He called to tell me that his wife (they’re separated) had just phoned him to cuss him out for things that happened 19 years ago.  19 YEARS AGO!!!! 

For a guy like me who has a hard time remembering what I ate for breakfast, that is stunning.  But, as many of you know, it is not uncommon.  Hurts, fears, regrets, pain and anxieties are dragged around by many people for decades – like a stinking sack of garbage.   If they are asked to look at the past to discover answers to their problems, they start the, “He did this” and, “She did that” dialogue that never goes anywhere but down.

The greatest definition of love that has ever been written is what I call:  God’s Love.  It is found in that famous 13^th chapter of the book of First Corinthians in the Bible.   There is one little phrase in there that is usually overlooked, but it is incredibly powerful.  In fact, it is the one phrase that can provide the most healing for couples, Yet, it is the hardest one for husbands and wives to follow.

The phrase?  “Love keeps no record of wrongs done to it.”  Another way to say it is: Love does not remember what the other person has done that is wrong.”  As much as any other phrase on the earth, that one has the power to heal a marriage.

Let’s put it another way.  Instead of taking the time to shovel all the manure from the past, let’s use it to create an incredibly beautiful garden.  After all, most people only bring up the garbage and hurts from the past, so that they can assign blame and force the other person to grovel.  When that task is accomplished, and the other person sufficiently punished, the couple realizes that they are no further along than before. 

So, instead of all that work we are going to suggest a much easier path.

We will take you, as a couple (it works for Singles, too) where you are right now, and then we figure out where you want to go, and we tell you how to get there.

Simple.  Simple.  Simple

This way creates nothing but positive direction.

The only thing that stands in your way?  Pride.  Pride that demands revenge.  Pride that demands that your spouse know just how much you were hurt.  Pride that creates more barriers.

So, for now, let’s set aside the past.  You  get to start with a clean slate.  The goal?  Saving your marriage.  If your marriage isn’t quite that bad but is getting there, then the goal is a good marriage.  If you have a fairly good marriage, the goal is a better one.  Your first step?

Let go of the past.

If you’re a man, click on this link:  www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com/mens_young.html you’re a woman, go here: www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com/womens_young.html waiting to help.  We’re. If

Dr. Vance Hardisty

Love Relationship Headquarters

If you’re up to an eye opening few moments that can begin the process of saving your marriage or making it a whole lot better,

1)  write down some positive traits that apply to your spouse; or something that he/she does that is pleasing to you; or something that she/he did in the past week or so that was admirable.  Yes,  you can think of some.  Here are dozens of things to choose from:  a chore accomplished; the way he or she cooked a meal, a physical trait (stay away from anything that hints of sexual overtures for this exercise); an accomplishment outside the home…you can think of many, I’m sure.

2)  Arrange a quiet time, when the kids are somewhere else and neither of you are in the process of working on another project when the two of you are alone, together.

3)  Choose two items from the list you made, and then tell your wife/husband about at least one of them – like this: “Honey, I just want you to know how much I appreciate….”  (Then name it).  No writing it, no texting, emailing or leaving a voice message. In the future those will be okay upon occasion, but at this point, you need the personal touch.

4)  As you tell your spouse about these two things that you appreciate, emphasize it with a touch on the arm, an arm around the shoulder, or hold his/her hand. End it with a hug. (Science has proven how beneficial bugs are to everyone emotionally, psychologically, physically and spiritually. Remember, this is not a sexy hug, just a nice one.)

5)  If your spouse looks at you and asks you what in the world that was for, just say, ”Remember when I told you that I was sorry for (whatever it was), and I really wanted to work on this marriage? I’m trying my best to do that.”  If you never told him/her that, then say first, “I’m just sorry for the way I…. and I’d like to try not to do anything like that again.  I really want to work on this marriage. Yes, I’ve said that before, and I will stumble sometimes, but I’m trying to make progress.”

6)  If your marriage stinks, don’t expect anything in return.  In fact, you may have burned your bridges so badly that you will be pushed away, laughed at, given a roll of the eyes or even get blasted verbally.  IGNORE IT!  Or say quietly, “Well, I just wanted you to know hoe I feel now.”

I know:  it definitely won’t be easy, but do it anything with no pointing out of the other person’s faults.. 

7)  If it’s tough to do it, keep in mind the incredible rewards of succeeding and getting your marriage back on track. Saving your marriage,  if it’s in big trouble,  isn’t easy, but it can be done. What I’ve told you above is a beginning, at least. Then, we show you how to go for the golden goal in our Love Relationship System – for men, and our Love Relationship System – for women. From the responses we have received – hundreds – the effort you expend definitely will be worth it.

Dr. Vance Hardisty – International Speaker and Author

Love Relationship Headquarters

You may have been married two years ago or 50. It doesn’t matter. Think back to when you first met your spouse, when he or she fell in love with you, and when you both said, “I do.”

What was it about you that was so attractive?  What was it about you that was so fascinating?  If you don’t know, ask.  Don’t make it a big deal; don’t push and probe for deeper meanings; just ask and write the answers down.

Yes, we always read that love needs to mature; that it needs to focus on more important things as the years go by.  However, if you are struggling with your marriage, if it’s not what you had always hoped it would be, and you are thinking of giving up – then start doing what is necessary to save your marriage.  Start by remembering what it was that stirred your spouse to love you in the beginning.

Got those things written down?  (I hate it when people tell me to write things down, but I have a reason, so please humor me.)  Did he like you because of your slender figure?  Did she love all the romantic things you did for her – cards, flowers and creative dates?  Did he love the way you cooked?  Did she fall for the way you made her laugh? 

So, how do you stack up now?  Not so good?  All right then, here’s the drill.  Choose one thing to do this week that will make you more the man or the woman with whom your spouse fell in love.  Whether that is sending her a card,;starting to work out to lose weight to please him; asking what kind of meal you can fix over the weekend that he’d like; whirling her around in the kitchen – it doesn’t matter.  Decide on something.  Then choose another thing for next week, and the week after, and the week after…you get the idea.

Why are you doing this?  Whatever attracted your spouse in the first place will still be attractive now if you don’t do it mockingly or angrily.  One of the problems in most marriages is that we have become lazy in the areas that matter most to the person that matters most.  Today, that starts to change for you.

Don’t most counselors tell you to remember why YOU fell in love with your spouse, and what they are doing wrong?   Sure.  But that’s one of the reasons why much marriage counseling is failing today.  People always want the other person to change so that they can have what they want. 

First of all, you can’t change your spouse.  Second, love is not primarily about what makes you happy, it is about giving, caring, and meeting someone else’s needs.  Third, love is not a feeling or an emotion.  Feelings and emotions come and go.  Love is what you do for another person. 

 Let’s be honest.  Chances are you’ve already nagged, talked, asked, hinted, told your spouse outright about things you want them to change; and what has happened as a result?  Probably nothing, and I would bet, worse than nothing.  Worse than nothing?  Yes.  The reason?  Every time you are perceived as trying to push your partner to change to be something you want him or her to be, you create within that person’s psyche a block and a sense of rejection. 

Let’s do things differently.  From now on, let’s focus on what you CAN change.  YOU.

 But… what… about…HIM??!!!  What…about…HER?!!!

Trust me on this.  It won’t happen the first day or the first week.  It may not even happen the first month.  But I can practically guarantee that as you become the man or woman that your spouse fell in love with on a consistent basis, he or she will fall in love all over again.  What happens to people in love?  Right.  They want to please the people with whom they are in love.  With your spouse, that’s you.  That’s the change you wanted.  That’s the change you couldn’t force your spouse to make.

Change you and you will change your spouse. How to go about doing it?  That’s what we’re about in our Love Relationship System.  We take you by the hand and lead you gently along the right pathway. The result is: you will save your marriage from boredom, irritation and dissolution.

Dr. Vance Hardisty, International Speaker and Author

www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com