Love Songs for Zombies

The Desperate In-Between

2012-04-07T09:30:00.001-07:00

It's Easter Saturday. For my family, that means its the day we celebrate the secular Easter. It's about easter egg hunts and chocolate bunnies and gifts in baskets with fake grass. We save the sacred for Easter Sunday. That's the church day, the resurrection day, the day we ascribe the more profound meaning to. Easter Saturday is, according to the bible story, that in between time.

The bible doesn't say much about those in-between days. After Jesus dies on the cross, he's prepared for burial and then the story cuts to the third day and the story of his rising. We know that most of his disciples freaked out and hid for fear of being arrested. Many of his inner circle bunkered down in a place called the upper room waiting for news. They weren't waiting to hear about Jesus rising from the dead. More likely, they were waiting to hear when the warrants for their own arrests would be issued. Its a place where a burning, faith driven enthusiasm collided with a harsh reality that seemed to obliterate that faith. The faith of these true believers had already become increasingly strained by Jesus' own predictions of his death and a noticeable falling away of followers not willing to accept some of Jesus' hard teachings. In Jesus' presence, these folks had confidence, vision and hope. Now, without Him, they were isolated, desperate and afraid.

The desperate, in-between times are those that challenge every fibre of our character. They are the times that change us for either the better or the worse. The image of a tightrope walker with no net comes to mind. Where, it seems as though everything is at stake and delicate and you will either fall into oblivion or somehow make it to the other side.

Recently I've been thinking about my dad. He died in 2009, just a few months after our beautiful girl contracted viral encephalitis. He had been told by doctor's that he had very little time. In spite of this, the day my daughter had to be taken into the hospital emergency room, he managed to meet us there and encourage us. He was going through his own, desperate, in-between time and yet he came to hope with us for the best. When our lovely girl was released from the hospital about a month later, he was on the phone, encouraging. A short, couple months later, we were able to visit him at his house. By this time, he was on hospice care. In spite of the pain and uncertainty I know he was dealing with, to us he just shared his happiness that our daughter "made it" and that he told us she would. I don't remember a time where my children bonded more with my dad than those last days. A few short weeks after this his illness took a hard turn and he passed away.

For all the differences I'd ever had with my father, how he lived those last months of his life showed me glimpses of something really great. A life lived well in the he desperate, in-between times.

I wrote a tune that is inspired by my dad in this time called "Fade To Black". Its about making a choice to keep hoping and living or fading to black which is a metaphor for despairing or even dying. Its about being in that desperate, in-between time. This verse is my dad in those times:

Might think that this ole man
has seen some better days
hit his stride back when the big bands played
seems like all this bad news
sent this train off the tracks
long as you've got a few more miles to go
don't start to fade to black

Over the past few years, we've spent a good deal of time in that place. Waiting in emergency rooms, riding in ambulances, family events interrupted with seizures. Dreams interrupted for a teenage girl. Life interrupted on an almost regular basis. So Easter Saturday; family time, bunnies, candy, egg hunts. Escapism? Material Excess? Yes, maybe. But, also, simple attempts at practicing what it is to live well in the desperate, in-between.

Zombie Out!

Tightrope image © Copyright Alexander P Kapp and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence

Still Loud and Too Close

2012-03-30T01:36:00.002-07:00

So, it's been a while, specifically, 492 days, since I posted my last blog. In spite of the radio silence much has happened and yet sometimes it feels like nothing has happened. So, in November 2010, we here at the zombie cave were heading into the holidays and holding our breath for our lovely girl's recovery. I spoke about that way back here. Well, just out of the holidays, our daughter began having increasing occurrences of seizures. Our hope was that they would go in the other direction, but unfortunately, they did not. On some occasions she needed to be rushed to the hospital via ambulance and a few times she's needed to be hospitalized. In looking back at the abrupt end of posts to this blog, I'm reminded of how hard my family and I took the steps backward in our lovely girl's recovery.

This last August, 2011, we had a particularly difficult trial when my daughter came down with stomach flu and couldn't keep her anti-seizure medication down. As a result, she had some of the worst seizures she's had since she first exhibited the symptoms of the encephalitis that started all of this. She was hospitalized for a few days and some tests were run on her. What they discovered was that the seizure activity she was continuing to have was coming from the same region of the brain, and looked for the most part, the same, as when she first contracted encephalitis back in 2009. The sobering implications of this are that it is likely, from a medical perspective, that she will continue to have seizures for the foreseeable future, and possibly for the rest of here life. News like that forces a person to make decisions. The basic choices are whether to give up or keep moving forward; to live or die. That sounds simplistic, but its kind of true. For people who've never gone through something like this, that may sound ridiculous, maybe even naive or selfish. But here's the thing, I think more people relate to this than even know it.

That brings me to my tangent. Tonight we watched the movie, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. Its about a boy with Aspergers syndrome trying to cope with the death of his father who was killed in the September 11, World Trade Center attacks. The movie is powerful, well acted and emotionally intense. There are many layers to the story in how it depicts grief and guilt and loss shared by not just a family but so many other people who's stories weave in and out of the primary narrative. I recommend it on those merits alone. However, the thing that surprised me in watching it, is how emotionally connected I was to the 911 attacks after ten years. I was reminded of watching on live television a second plane crashing into the second tower. I was reminded of seeing, in real time, the buildings collapse, fully comprehending that thousands of lives were being extinguished, displayed on television in my living room, in a senseless act of violence. I was made aware that the grief and despair that I've felt since my daughter got sick in June 2009 have deeper roots than I could have imagined.

Previously in this blog, I'd written about post traumatic stress, in fact, that was my last post. Watching this film, re-experiencing my greif over this tragedy, brought to mind the idea that a huge audience of people around the world had the same experience I did. We all saw this happen. Humanity grieved on September 11, 2001. Maybe we never really recovered? We tried to fight back, through wars and protests and filling holes with things we can't afford. We keep trying to find someone to blame and we engaged in man hunts to destroy the faces that we associated with our grief. But it seems like we're still empty, still hurting and still unsatisfied, even after ten years. All the usual joys and escapes aren't making life more tolerable for millions of people. Living in the bay area, I've seen the extreme face of anger, frustration and apathy in everything from the Oscar Grant riots and Occupy movements to the jobless rate and current presidential contest. Things don't appear to be driven by hope, as much as people would like to paint that picture. They seem to be driven by anxiety and fear and a desire to place blame somewhere. I totally relate.

At the end of the movie, what the characters are trying to get to, is the ability to accept what has happened and move on with living. That is hopeful to me. That's what my family and I have needed to do. That's one of the reasons I felt compelled to write this tonight. I hope that's something we as a country and as a world can do at some point. We can't bury what happened on 911, or in Iraq or Afghanistan or the Sudan, or in Haiti or Japan, or to our world economy or to the millions of people traded as slaves or dying of starvation, or the houses we lost or the retirement we watched disappear. That and so much more has happened in the last ten years and most of it has really sucked!

Wait. Check your pulse as I check mine. Is there something moving there? Yes, for now, there is. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but, if we've got a pulse than we CAN be alive. It doesn't mean we are living, but we can live. I'm going to try, simply because I owe it to my family and hope is worth it. It really is. If all we can do is hope FOR hope, that's still something. If our hope is in something deeper, like a faith, awesome. See, the opposite of hope is despair. To despair is to give up. There is no life in that and nothing will subdue it. Its an empty well. In the film, the boy's quest to find the lock his key would open represents a kind of hope. It is his reason to keep on going. Although it ultimately proved to be a false hope, it was pure and real to him and got him where he needed to be to find real hope, peace and love. Doing things like writing this blog, making music and loving my family everyday, one day at a time, are the things that are moving me forward. My hope is knowing that we are not stuck or permanently defined by time or circumstance, but that we are moving towards something better than where we came from. Where we came from is very real and absolutely informs our journey. Where we're going is open to every, good, wonderful possibility in hope.

Welcome to my darkest days

2010-11-24T03:08:00.000-08:00

I'm not a war veteran, nor do I regularly spend my time in a neighborhood over run with senseless violence. I have, however, been around some pretty tough situations over the last three years which may have caused me to experience some degree of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Many of the symptoms I've experienced were things I just attributed to the challenges I was currently facing; difficulty sleeping; heightened irritability; occasional panic attacks or angry outbursts; lack of interest in activities that once brought me great joy; heightened sense of mortality and impending doom. These are a handful of manifestations of stress that I'd been struggling with. The funny thing is, in spite of damage that these behaviors can cause, I didn't consider there to be something wrong until I became aware of some symptoms that began to impact my performance at work. I started to become aware of difficulties focusing on certain tasks and my ability to follow through on job assignments began to slip. In addition, I also realized that I was bringing my irritability to the office and was starting to entertain some degree of paranoia around office politics. So, sadly, because money was involved, I decided to see if something was going on.

I was able to talk to a mental health councilor who suggested that I may be dealing with post traumatic stress disorder. I was referred to a therapist and began a process of determining what was going on and addressing it.

The song, 365 Daze, is an illustration of some of what I was dealing with. Its a picture, as well, of what I imagine numerous people who are suffering from some form of PTSD might be going through. Prior to my own experience, I'd only considered PTSD in the context of war veterans; people who'd lived through a barrage of traumatic, life threatening events. Since I've been looking into it, I've become aware of how prevalent PTSD actually is. This article, "Violence in Oakland creates symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder", discusses how intense urban living where street violence is prevalent can cause PTSD and essentially trap generations of people in destructive and depressed life styles. This article, "PTSD interrupts lives after trauma", goes into details about how past trauma, such as child abuse, or witnessing something like a suicide, can lead to PTSD.

According to the Anxiety Disorders Association of America (ADAA), 7.7 million Americans age 18 and older have PTSD. According to the ADAA, PTSD "...can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a natural disaster, serious accident, terrorist incident, sudden death of a loved one, war, violent personal assault such as rape, or other life-threatening events."

As with most of the songs coming out of the zombie cave, "365 Daze" is part art, part therapy. For me, its the reminder that I have "a choice to live or die". Making that choice when depressed and buried under something like PTSD can be difficult. If you're reading this and you think you might be having a hard time with that, please, contact your doctor, your local mental health clinic or visit a site like ADAA to get information and get help.

Here are the lyrics:

365 days is a long, long time to hold your breathe
Devil's calling out for an exchange,
wants to press me into early death.

Jet lagged for more than a year
ain't a lot of time to wake up
from the worst of my fears.
Watchoo looking at?

Welcome to my darkest days
The sky's falling down and the oceans rage.
If its true the whole world is a stage
I believe this scene comes before act three
and we've got a lot to resolve.
This ain't the curtain call.

365 days ain't a lot of time to say goodbye
Spent so long inside
my post traumatic haze
forgot I had a choice to live or die.

Jet lagged for more than a year
got at least another leg until
my calendars clear.
Watchoo talking 'bout?

Welcome to my darkest days
The sky's falling down and the oceans rage.
If its true the whole world is a stage
I believe this scene comes before act three
and we've got a lot to resolve.
This ain't the curtain call.

So what did you expect to see;
an empty shell or a brand new me?
On the surface seems like nothings really changed
but in my skin my heart and mind are now estranged.

How long we gonna sing this song
How long we gonna sing this song
How long we gonna sing this song
How long, how long, how long, how long.

But my soul hopes still
Yeah, my soul hopes still...

How long we gonna sing this song
How long we gonna sing this song
How long we gonna sing this song
How long, how long, how long, how long.

Here are a few online resources concerning PTSD:

Zombie out!

Image courtesy http://ptsdcombat.blogspot.com/

365 Daze - post traumatic stress and the suburban zombie

2010-11-19T09:16:00.000-08:00

"365 Daze" is a rant that deals with living with post traumatic stress and the challenges of moving forward. According to the Mayo Clinic: "Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety disorder that's triggered by a traumatic event. You can develop post-traumatic stress disorder when you experience or witness an event that causes intense fear, helplessness or horror."

We'd love to get your comments or ratings for the tune on YouTube.

Intermission

2010-11-16T01:27:00.000-08:00

We've had a bit of a break between posts and new performance videos. Lots has happened between then and now: Halloween came and went; California has a new governor; many people have celebrated birthdays; Smallville has had about four new episodes; we've had some scary zombie moments including ambulance action and hospital visit; this zombie has traveled to the near east (as in, Tennessee and Kentucky) and back.Yes, there has been a lot more happening than that, but, alas, such is life.

On the music front, I've finally gotten my laptop fixed and will shortly re-install goodies for music making. I expect that will bring us one step closer to realizing some of the new ditties in a production setting. Oh yeah, and we just bought towel holders and a fondue set. Living large, baby.

This is the sort of a blog post that professional journalists cite as job security. I've got no saucy notions or deep revelations...just a sweet towel holder and a few more good days under my belt.

Tonight we taped three more tunes for You Tube. Hopefully we've got something real and good. With any luck, we'll have a new video up in a week or so. In the meantime, listen to Transatlantiscism from Death Cab for Cutie. Its a fine collection of ditties about emotional distance.

"I thought I was on the road seeing clearly..."

2010-10-26T02:56:00.000-07:00

The song, "Night of My Travail" captures a moment in my life when I hit bottom in terms of despair and desperation and experienced a "dark night of the soul". It was 2003. Being a high tech professional in the Bay Area, I'd got a bit singed in the Dot Bomb implosion of 2000 and managed to float along with another start up until 2002 when that also dried up. By spring 2003, I was out of work, out of money and out of options. Everything that had worked well for me over the previous decade was gone. Hiring was essentially dried up. I was either over qualified or without enough specific domain experience for any of the openings that I interviewed for.

At home, my wife and I struggled to come up with rent, cancel or postpone most of our current services or debt and raise our two kids. I had no health insurance as the company I'd worked for dissolved completely and there was no COBRA option. The only money coming in during this time came from a combination of music gigs, short term, under market software contracts or my wife's acting or modeling assignments. At key moments, we would also receive, mostly anonymous donations from friends, acquaintances, angels and other divine-type beings who'd leave checks or grocery cards under our door step or slyly slipped into our pockets. In spite of these encouragements, I personally was defeated, buried in a sense of self pity and inadequacy as I could not provide for my family. In this frame of mind, I found myself unable to get out of bed, at times distancing myself from my wife and on the road to giving up completely.

I remember one morning when my daughter was sick with a very high fever. My wife was doing everything to keep her fever down but it wouldn't give and my daughter was making a noise that sounded like a death pant. We scraped up enough change for me to run to the store to pick up Tylenol. On the way there, I lost it. I'd been depressed previously and had spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. But this was different. My child's life appeared to be at risk. That morning it felt as though my stomach had been yanked out my body. I had been a man of meek, yet relatively persistent faith. In this moment, I felt like I was completely alone in the universe. Did I pray? Oh yeah, I prayed, but my prayers felt dead.

A little while later, I got the Tylenol home, we administered it and thankfully, a few hours later, her fever started to get under control. A few weeks later we began to learn about County Hospital services and California laws that provide all children in the state with health insurance (see the resources below). A few months later, I managed to get enough contract work to get us back on our feet. Eventually, we were fortunate to see things turn around for us.

I'd never recorded "Night of My Travail" with my band. When the latest economic crisis hit in 2008, I thought maybe I should pull it out and record it somewhere. Perhaps it could be comforting or cathartic to someone else. In June 2009 I experienced that stomach sucked out of the body pain again as my daughter contracted viral encephalitis and was literally fighting for her life. I've already written a bit about this in my previous blog, "Awakenings, colors and hope - What Glimmer is about". This was another crisis of faith, another challenge to our family's perseverance and another obstacle and threat to our marriage.

Coming through these trials, I wish I could say that I have more answers than questions. But the truth is, we're still walking through my daughter's recovery and only starting to surface much of the damage that has been done as a result of these challenging times. Damage such as the effects of trauma on a family, the dangers of medication's side effects on a survivor and fatigue associated with long term recovery for all involved. The voice in the song is not a voice of guidance but one of questions. All he knows is that he's lost and in dire need of encouragement and guidance. In our travels over the last year, we have met other individuals and families that are similarly struggling to care for sick, loved ones, who are drowning in their own, personal, economic crisis or who are simply without direction, hope or faith. We are all asking questions, looking to find our way through a wilderness that doesn't seem to reveal a horizon we can walk towards with confidence and finality. There are no easy answers. But, I believe, there is hope and life in the asking of questions. I believe that someday there will be answers. Until then, the zombie cave will have to do.

Here are the lyrics to "Night of My Travail":

Tonight I'm crying out for some help.
I am calling from this place for some blessed assurance.
Oh my God please don't turn your face away.
In this night of my travail is your peace on its way?

I don't know how things turned out this way.
I thought I was on the road seeing clearly.
Now I'm lost and I feel so far away.
In this night of my travail does your light still point the way?

Tonight I'm reaching out to feed my soul.
I am aware of my starvation and I need relief.
Oh my God, please don't let me get in the way.
In this night of my travail will you hear this sinner pray?

Here are a couple of helpful resources for children in California who need health insurance:

Zombie out!

Night of My Travail - a dark night of the soul

2010-10-22T16:31:00.000-07:00

The idea of a "dark night of the soul" was originally written as the title of a poem by 16th century theologian and mystic, Saint John of the Cross. "Night of My Travail" is a telling of such a "dark night" experience, where the soul is in crisis, the well seems dry and life is quite zombie-like.

We'd love to get your comments or ratings for the tune on YouTube.

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part

2010-10-15T17:20:00.000-07:00

"I, Zombie Dude, take you, Zombie Gal, for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part".

To some, hearing these words with your name in the sentence is your deepest desire. To others they ring of an ominous commitment that seems impossible to uphold in this day and age. To those living under these commitments they are both a touchstone promise we share with our spouse as well as a high standard of sacrifice that is sobering to the most devoted couple.

Here in the zombie cave, my wife and I have had better, worse, rich, poor, sickness and health, sometimes all within a short period of time. Our life together has been an intensely humbling journey. In fact, without humility, this level of commitment is impossible. There is no room for ego when navigating the fragile waters of commitment and sacrifice in a world that is constantly telling us to be more self-centered. Part of this humility is simply admitting when we've messed up or where we're weak. I can't speak for other folks, but for me, this is not a natural response to relationships and life, particularly in crisis situations. My natural response seems to be a desire to fix the problem or put on the game face as a show of strength. Now, there are times, I believe, when I need to be strong for my wife and kids and take the initiative to get things done. But, that doesn't mean I'm immune to or not accountable for my failure or emotional insensitivity.

The song, "Sometimes it's enough" speaks to moments in a relationship where we just need to confess where we're at. My wife gets the credit for the line "sometimes it’s enough to say 'I love you'". In her graciousness, during a conversation where I was trying to prove my love to her based on my attempts to fix all the problems in our life, she spoke those words to me. Needless to say, the words were inspired and the effect was convicting.

Here are the lyrics:

By now we've lived some together
and you've learned to know my name
and in spite of one blind eye
and a life time second tries
you know I've tried to do the same.

Although the road still rises up to meet us
Day after day
Sometimes I still feel like I've failed you
then you stop me and say

Sometimes its enough to say "I love you"
Sometimes its enough to hold my hand
Sometimes in the night when the cold starts to bite
just cover me and say "I love you" again

Most times, I'm sure, you're walking on water
and I'm just sinking in the drink
Time after time I am reaching out for you to pull me up again
my fragile world is on the brink

Although the road still rises up to meet us
Day after day
Sometimes I still feel like I've failed you
then you stop me and say

Sometimes its enough to say "I love you"
Sometimes its enough to hold my hand
Sometimes in the night when the cold starts to bite
just cover me and say "I love you" again

Zombie out!

Sometimes its enough - proclaiming it love song style on YouTube

2010-10-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes its enough" is now up on YouTube. Its a simple love song about commitment, devotion and transparency. We'd love to get your comments or ratings on YouTube.

How does grass smell, anyhoo?

2010-10-08T16:29:00.000-07:00

So, this week's post was the zombie cave performance of "Smell of Grass". The song is about indecision and the damage it does. The character in the song is a person who is nearly paralyzed due to his self-consciousness and inability to be content in his present circumstance. Nothing is quite right in his life, he blames his lover, and yet is pretty much convinced this is as good as it gets.

I can honestly say that I don't really know where this song came from. I'm not sure if it reflects my personal feelings at a certain point, if I was thinking about people I know or I was just making something up. Its probably a bit of all the above. It kind of reminds me of the movie, American Beauty, although it wasn't based on it.

Regardless of its inspiration, and the mostly bleak theme of the story, the twist at the end provides a spoonful of hope when the speaker's lover leaves him. Hope you say? Yes, she actually makes a decision, finds "her voice" and gets out of the hole. That leaves our speaker "no longer waiting for a reason to change". That's great news I think. Change is inevitable. Life isn't really about our ability to control the change around us. We can't. In fact, the more we resist change, the more painful it is when change comes. The challenge, I think, is how we carry ourselves through change; with hope and good character or in miserable, self obsession. Honestly, if you're like me, we probably average somewhere in the middle most of the time.

Life in the zombie cave at times has felt somewhat stalled. However, our circumstance is more about waiting then resisting. Either way, it can be a difficult place to be. That stalled dynamic creates a tension that breeds anxiety and heightens conflict. In our case, walking through our daughter's recovery, we're dealing with subtle changes and choices daily. Right now we're facing some tough decisions around medication changes that will put her at risk for seizures and hospitalization, but they are a necessary risk. The grass definitely smells good where we stand right now, right in this moment, but we need to move and walk through the change that's staring us in the face.

Zombie out!

Smell of Grass - Latest video on YouTube

2010-10-06T13:11:00.000-07:00

The latest performance from the zombie cave, Smell of Grass, is up on YouTube now! This song is a cautionary tale. The grass is not always greener and sometimes you get exactly what you deserve.. We'd love to get your comments or ratings on YouTube.

Why Smallville should use LSFZ's Superhero tune for their season finale

2010-10-02T18:36:00.000-07:00

Down here in the zombie cave, CW's Smallville is one of our guilty pleasures. We've been following along since about season 2, watching intently as Clark Kent sows his oats, comes of age and generally, works up to a future of tights and flights. We're now into season 10, the last season, and, according to the producers, all the faithful will be rewarded this year with a conclusion to the series that meets all of our expectations. Hmmmm? Well, as hopeless optimists, even in the face of probable disappointment, we're holding our breathe and tagging along.

So, what's that got to do with the tune "Superhero"? OK, off the bat, I need to confess that "Superhero" wasn't inspired by Smallville, but rather, by a film called Hollywood Land. Hollywood Land examines the time and events around the reported suicide of George Reeves, television's original Superman. It explores the seedy side of Hollywood and the entertainment business of that time and considers the possibility that George Reeves was murdered. However, the scene that stuck with me was a short montage which showed the day the news reported that "Superman commits suicide". The scene painfully portrayed the impact this had on a generation of children. To these children, that headline seemed impossible. They bought the mythology and the possibility of Superman dying was hard enough to swallow. The notion that he killed himself, this icon who stood for "truth, justice and the American way", was earth shattering. This was a poignant reminder of the responsibility of the media and the devastation caused when heroes fall.

The tune, "Superhero", looks at the notion of heroes in our lives. It pictures three seasons of life, childhood, young adulthood and adulthood, and how our relationship to our heroes may change during those times. The amazing thing about human nature is that we have the capacity to be moved by something which can inspire us to make choices beyond our basic survival needs. We can be moved to courageous self sacrifice and compassion and in turn inspire others. The mythology of modern superheroes, for many people, has provided that spark that allows one to consider rising above their limitations for the common good. However, the realities of life, at times brutal, unforgiving and unrelentingly cold often drown our heroic inspirations in an ocean of cynicism and hopelessness. Perhaps we find ourselves rooting for the anti-hero, someone who isn't morally driven to do right but rather participates out of opportunism or as a result of circumstance; or maybe we're now identifying more with the villain, sympathizing with his hard luck story and "DIY" ingenuity. In the midst of this heroic identity crisis we may find ourselves at a cross roads, between rational pragmatism and hopeful optimism. I don't think the extreme pragmatist would ever run into a burning building.

So then, why should Smallville use this tune for their finale? Besides our nerdy pre-occupation with the show and that it would really be cool, Superhero sums up much of what Clark Kent and his compatriots have been struggling with for ten years. First, to be or not to be a hero is a choice, even if you have super powers. The show made it clear that Clark's path to heroism, although a seemingly natural response to his abilities was also a choice that required consideration in lieu of a "normal" life. The show has also dealt with issues of moral ambiguity (is Lex Luthor really bad if he's motivated to save the human race), challenging ethics (Clark's opposition to killing, even when its clear that his enemy is determined to destroy him and the people he protects) and the need for heroic inspiration (such as the example set by his earth father, Jonathan Kent, to protect and save him). Each of these, and numerous others, are milestone challenges on a path towards either a deterministic fate or a revelatory self awareness. "Superhero" sings of a life's journey towards a point of decision; to follow the path of the pragmatist where one person can't make a difference so "give up boy, its not worth your time"; or to look up as an optimist who is at least willing to try and respond to a calling that is greater than himself.

In this zombie's humble opinion, there couldn't be a better tune to send Clark out, in flights and tights, towards the promise of a future where he can inspire generations to stand strong and do the right thing in the face of adversity while we all sing "look there he is, flying by, just look up, just look up". Yeah, I'm a little biased, but what the heck.

If you agree that Superhero would be awesome hit for the Smallville finale than feel free to suggest this to the Smallville producers and point them to this blog. That would be SUPER of you. In the meantime, check out Superhero on YouTube and take a gander at the lyrics below.

Zombie out!

Lyrics to Superhero:

When I was a boy I use to believe that a man could fly
Made me walk a little taller, try a little harder to touch the sky
And when the night seemed it's darkest
The shield on my chest could light my way
I had my super hero and nothing could darken my days

When I made my way in this world this young man
Learned at times I will fall
Though brave and determined the passions that burn
They would bring me down to a crawl
Through suffering and pain I've endured what remains
Of a bleeding heart
But I cling to my heros so nothing can tear my apart

See there he is flying by, Just look up, just look up
Look how he soars through the skies, Just look up, just look up
Just hold on and believe that he's still got something up his sleeve
And the day will be won -- just look up.

Now the days have turned shorter
And the skies seem much higher than I ever knew
And life is full of plot twists and turns that super heroes don't really do
In the back of my mind I'm questioning why I
ever thought a man could fly
I'm deconstructing my heroes and watching my dreams pass me by

When I was a boy I use to believe that a man could really fly
Now that I am a man my childish answers no longer seem to apply
But the seed of that courage, to soar above fear,
I still wear on my chest 'cause I know that he's here
And when the world says "give up boy, it's not worth your time"
I look up to the heavens and there I still find
there's a hero inside me and he was there all the time

See there he is flying by, Just look up, just look up
Look how he soars through the skies, Just look up, just look up
Just hold on and believe that he's still got something up his sleeve
And the day will be won -- just look up.

Superhero - New video just flew into YouTube

2010-09-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

The latest performance from the zombie cave, Superhero, is up on YouTube now! This song is about courage and the symbols of bravery that inspire our courage. We'd love to get your comments or ratings on the video on YouTube.

Awakenings, colors and hope - What Glimmer is about

2010-09-23T16:42:00.000-07:00

So, the zombie cave performance video for the song Glimmer went up this week and I thought I'd follow up with bit on what the songs about and the writing process (or lack thereof).

Glimmer was written sometime in the spring of 2009. It surfaced late one night in the quiet of the soon to be zombie cave while children were sleeping and guitar plucking was easing the busy memories of a hectic day. My wife and I were recently new parents for the fourth time and the baby girl was sleeping in my charge nearby. In this peaceful moment this very melancholy sounding music started coming out of my guitar. Soon after, the words, "Clever girl, won't you open your eyes" popped in my head. I remember thinking that, really, the last thing I wanted was for baby girl to wake up so these lyrics seemed strange. As more lyrics continued to come forward, although they seemed to be inspired by the little one in front of me, they also seemed to be kind of detached from the present scene. About an hour later I was pretty much done writing. I tweaked the song a bit here and there since but for the most part the lyrics haven't changed since that first night.

About two months after this night, on what started as a very normal morning, my older daughter, eleven years old at the time, went into a grand mal seizure. Up to this point, she was an extremely healthy, precocious child, active in dance and other fitness activities and advanced in academics with no history of chronic sickness or seizures. An ambulance was called and she was rushed to the hospital. After about twenty four hours consisting of many invasive tests she was diagnosed as having viral encephalitis, inflammation of the brain caused by a virus. For almost three weeks, she went in and out of consciousness, suffered memory loss, delusions, seizures, auto-immune instability and insomnia.

There is a movie called Awakenings that deals with patients suffering from a form of encephalitis, encephalitis lethargica. Although a different form of the disease, the basic idea is similar in that something has caused the brain of the patient to become inflamed leading to a wide variety of possible symptoms. Amongst those familiar with encephalitis, for those who survive the initial days of the illness and who are diagnosed and treated, eventually the patient may come to an "awakening" which is, essentially, a day where the brain has healed enough and the symptoms are controlled enough, most likely through medication, for the person to regain a level of lucidity. Often the patient will show a degree of memory recovery as well, but the period of time prior to the awakening, from the point they initially went into active inflammation to the point of the awakening, is generally lost to them, similar to people who have been comatose.

Right around day two of my daughters stay in ICU, my wife pointed out to me that she thought she knew what the song was about. She said, she believed that the song was a foreshadow of what was happening to our oldest daughter now. The descriptions of colors changing, the world re-arranging and the warning that she may become dismayed described pretty accurately what her experience was at that time. The refrain's proclamation "when you wake up" was received by us as a hopeful encouragement. I'm not going to go into why or how this song came about the way it did. That's a discussion for another time. The important thing was that the song was a gift to all of us at a time when we desperately needed something to hold onto.

About three weeks later, my daughter did "wake up". In less then a week she was released from the hospital. For more than a year we've been walking with her through recovery. She still suffers from occasional seizures, although they are far less frequent and severe. There are also numerous levels of recovery she must walk through besides the brain's healing including emotional and psychological recovery. Likewise, the rest of our family is also going through a kind of recovery as well, as we've learned to live with the limits we face as a result of my daughter's illness. Our lives have changed, I believe for good. Not because I think she will never fully recover, we are optimistic and hopeful that she will. Rather, because we can never look at life the same way.

We are now painfully aware of countless families who are in hospitals or homes throughout the world who are living lives that primarily revolve around the care of a loved one suffering from some debilitating disease. We are now aware of a disease called encephalitis that most people have never heard of and that is still relatively uncharted in terms of treatment and recovery. We are now aware of the many variations of seizures a person may have and the hardships associated with epilepsy. We are now aware of the perseverance required to weather seasons of recovery and the toll it takes on families.

So, now, we live in the zombie cave. But as the ancient Greek aphorism states, "Know thyself". Embracing our zombie lifestyle and perspective is the first step towards moving forward. Life has changed. We've changed and have awoken not only to challenges and suffering but also to a shared human experience that has become a source of compassion and inspiration to us. The song beckons its heroine to hold out for a glimmer of hope. Each day, that is our calling as well.

Zombie out!

Lyrics to Glimmer:

Clever girl, won't you open your eyes
We're all waiting to see your surprise
When the colors all change and the world's rearranged
and the musical lights are no more than glimmer

Little one there is so much to do
Even now, so much hope is in you
We're returning to love to give all for you
So you will see more than a glimmer

When you wake up
there's a song, there's a song that is waiting
It was written for your name
When you wake up
there's a world that is anticipating
it will never be the same

Little lamb, when you open your eyes
Just a word, that you may be surprised
the lights may seem scarce and you may become dismayed
but the hope that remains is more than a glimmer

When you wake up
there's a song, there's a song that is waiting
It was written for your name
When you wake up
there's a world that is anticipating
it will never be the same

We will never be the same

Glimmer - First Video is Up

2010-09-21T14:49:00.000-07:00

Here is the first video from the zombie cave, Glimmer. It's a song about awakenings. Please feel free to bounce over to YouTube and leave some comment love if you like.

Fresh from the grave

2010-09-20T21:31:00.000-07:00

hThis is the beginning of a new stretch of road for the creators of love songs for zombies. We are on the cusp of uploading our first You Tube video of a simple performance of a song, specifically, a love song. But before we do that, a moment to introduce this blog, this project and the reasons behind this new adventure.

This all really started a little more than a year ago. Oh, there were songs before then, even songs that sought to articulate the particular melancholy that this music emotes. But, in June of 2009, the art, the vision and the emotion became internalized when we experienced a personal event which showed us what it was to live as zombies.

You know, we live amongst zombies everyday. They are there with us, in the grocery store, in the office, the class room, in the church and on the street. They come from every walk of life, every ethnicity, every shape and size, every nation and every tongue. They are moving through life, animated, moving, seemingly alive. However, within them, where a beating heart should be, there is a hole. They appear to see, yet their eyes look through life as their minds are fixed on events and actions which are so basic they are primal.

Some zombies occasionally come up for air, breath, see, laugh, cry and live. Some never seem to. These are not people who have necessarily made poor decisions or are suffering consequences of their actions. These are not people without responsibilities. In fact, the responsibilities and burdens many of these people face each day would make most people squeamish.

I'll write more about zombies and what happened to us at a later time. But for now, I'll leave it at this. Zombies are amongst us. They appear to move, but their lives stand still. They appear to breath, but they are holding their breathe. They appear to walk through life's experiences and routines but their mind is constantly fixed on survival. They love deeply and yet often love cannot be returned.

The songs we're writing are dedicated to these people; a silent, suffering mass of humanity who are constantly reaching for hope and life and light and who often only receive the faintest glimmer of encouragement. More often than not, these days, I count myself amongst them.

Danger Mouse, Sparkle Horse and David Lynch have created some amazing sound track music for pondering all things melancholy. Shameless promotion or intentional lifeline, you decide. Enjoy.