How to Immediately Gain Control of Your Emotions

noreply@blogger.com (Bonnie) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 18:22:00 +0000

So before we can delve into the deep, life-altering exercises, questions, techniques and concepts that will line our path to loving ourselves and loving our lives, we need to find a way to handle our day-to-day emotions.

I mean, let's be honest, sometimes life just sucks. You can be as positive thinking, goal-oriented and proactive as you want, but life is life and sometimes, when you least expect it, it will throw you a curve ball.

What do you do when things just aren't working out? I remember the advice and comforting words that I would get. Don't worry, things will get better. You've just got to concentrate and focus on your goal. You need to stop worrying. You have to love yourself before he will love you.

I got a lot of really well-meaning advice, but I was dying for an ANSWER, a solution. I hated myself. I hated my life. I felt like I would never fit in, be happy, like nothing in my life would ever work out. And I was terrified. I call this state Emotional Code Red.

WHAT DO I DO?!? I wanted to scream. If I knew how to love myself, save more money, find a job I love, solve my problems, get along with my family, cure my friend's drug addiction, I would have done it by now!

Surround yourself with positive people, find something you love, be grateful for what you have, help someone less fortunate than you. How do I do that when I can barely get out of bed?

When brushing my teeth is work and being awake is excruciating. When I feel like I will never find someone who loves me for who I am. When I walk around in a constant cage of insecurity. WHAT DO I DO THEN?!?

So what do you do when your feelings are running wild and you don't know what to do?

Step 1:
If necessary, set up the people around you
and remove yourself from the situation.

For example, in the middle of a fight with someone you love
"I am feeling very emotional right now and I don't want to say anything that I don't mean. I love you and I just need a few minutes to process everything. Can we talk in a little bit?"

At work:
"Can we set up a time to talk about this later today? I'd like to gather my thoughts before we discuss this further."

There are many different ways you can do this but at this point, you are in Emotional Code Red and you need to remove yourself from the situation, immediately.

A few points:

Chances are, in the heat of the moment, you ARE NOT going to want to do this. It is going to have to be a conscious choice. In the middle of the fight, when you know you're right, when your adrenaline is pumping, when your emotions have taken over, you're going to want to fight it out. Make the choice to remove yourself and then do whatever is necessary to make it happen.

This is going to take some practice. It's possible that this is NOT the way you normally operate in life. It's possible that the most emotional coaching you got growing up was, "Stop crying before I give you something to cry about" or "You can't just fly off the handle whenever things don't go your way". But no one ever really taught you HOW to do that. They've told you WHAT to do (control your emotions), but not how. Keep reading! There is an answer.

Step 2:
Find a safe space.

Now that you have removed yourself from the situation, where do you go?

Anywhere that you can be alone. I don't care if it's the bathroom, your basement, a closet, your car, your boiler room. Find somewhere that you can be alone with yourself, your thoughts and your feelings.

Step 3:
Listen to Yourself

Close your eyes and take five deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Then ask yourself, why am I so upset? Then answer yourself. Out loud, if you have to. Please believe that you have all the answers you need. You know why you are upset, you just feel like you can't do anything about it, so you'd rather ignore it.

So maybe your answer is something like this, "That F*#?ing beeeeep I can't believe he had the nerve to do this @"&*" THAT'S OKAY! In order to start loving yourself and loving your life, we need to start accepting WHAT IS.

Sometimes our thoughts and feelings are not pretty, but wouldn't you rather handle them in a dark closet or your bathroom than spew them at people you love, in a fit of emotion or turn them on yourself?

I know you're skeptical, but I promise this is handleable.

Step 4: Tap, tap, tap

What I'm about to show you is my own shortcut version of an amazing technique called Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT. We will be exploring EFT extensively in this blog and to learn more about it you can go to the official website at www.emofree.com but for right now, this is all you will need.

Find the spot on your left hand, directly below your little finger, the fleshy part of your hand that you would chop a board with in karate. With your index finger and middle finger of your right hand start to tap that spot on your left hand at a medium speed. You don't need to tap that hard, only as hard as you would tap to make a sound on a drum. Let your fingers lightly bounce off the spot as you tap.

While you tap, focus on the negative feelings that you want to eliminate. Often we are taught to "be positive" but for this process, it is important that you focus on what you want to get rid of.

Keep tapping your hand.

Focus on why you are mad, why you are upset, why you are hurt.

Do you feel helpless, powerless, taken advantage of?

Do you feel like it's not fair?

Do you feel hopeless, like it's never going to get better?

Now, move to the top of your head and tap around in a circle, where a crown would sit. Keep tapping.

Really focus on your reactions and responses to these questions and the answers that you come up with, as you tap.

If it makes you feel less crazy, pretend you are venting to your best friend.

Tell her all the stuff that's not working right now, how you feel, why you want to cry, scream, punch someone, eat a gallon of ice cream or drink a bottle of tequila.

Move to your eye. Tap right where your eyebrow begins, closest to your nose. You can use both hand or either hand, both eyebrows or either eyebrow, it does not matter. Keep tapping while you:

Focus on your confusion and frustration. Why won't things just work out?

Move to the side of your eye away from your nose and closest to your temple. Tap on that bone directly outside of your eye. Keep tapping and ask yourself:

Do you feel like you don't matter, like something is wrong with you?

Move to under your eye and tap on the bone directly below where you would get circles or bags under your eyes. Tap, tap, tap...

Are these feeling familiar? When else have you felt this way?

Who or what does this remind you of?

Move to under your nose and tap the area between your upper lip and your nose. Keep tapping while you focus on:

What are you scared of? (Example, I'm scared that my husband is going to leave me.)

And if that happens, what are you scared of? (I'm going to be alone.)

And if that happens, what are you scared of? (I'm going to fall apart.)

Move to your chin and tap your jaw between your lower lip and your chin. Keep tapping:

And if that happens, what are you scared of? (That it will hurt too much.)

And if that happens, what are you scared of? (I'm not strong enough to handle it.)

Tap your collarbones.

Now tap another round.

Hand point (karate chop)

What am I scared of? (Answer yourself)

Crown point (top of head)

What am I scared of? ( Don't forget to answer yourself!)

Eyebrow

What am I scared of? (Really listen to your answer.)

Side of Eye

What am I scared of? (Dig deeper)

You get the point!

Continue with Under Eye, Under Nose, Chin, Collarbone

Do as many rounds as you need to until you start to feel better. It may happen immediately or may require more persistence, but EFT will help you calm down and get the perspective you need faster than anything I have ever found.

Next installment: The Poison of Perfectionism

How to Love Yourself When You Just Don't

noreply@blogger.com (Bonnie) — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 17:32:00 +0000

I know how you feel. You want to love yourself. You really do. You can think of some good things about yourself, but you can't make them "stick" the way your flaws do.

You dissect yourself, day by day, categorizing yourself into acceptable and unacceptable parts. Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual pieces of yourself that are "good" and "bad". You have that eternal to-do list that resides in the back of your head. One day you're going to start investing for your future. You'll learn how to speak Chinese. You'll volunteer for a month building houses in Nicaragua.

Once you get your issues handled, you'll be who you want to be. You'll be sane enough, good enough, together enough, fixed enough. When you lose that seven pounds and get a facial, you'll finally be pretty enough. Once you go back to school, you'll be smart enough. When you finally get your house handled so that you're not terrified of company, you won't be so irritated all the time and snap at the people you love. You're going to be better. You promise. If you only knew how.

Once you get that promotion, once you find the perfect life partner, once you can afford the down payment on that house, or the money for that rent deposit, you'll finally be able to be happy. It's going to work, isn't it?

And all of that is hurting you. Your goals have become reminders of what you haven't accomplished yet. Birthdays and anniversaries are reminders of what isn't working. And facing yourself and your life is excruciating.

So you smoke or drink or watch TV.

You have sex or go to work or stay at work or get another job.

You create drama and attract people and situations that don't work for you, that leave you feeling an eery de ja vu that you've done this before. You wonder if everyone is repeating the same useless pattern or is it just you.

You feel like you don't fit in. Nothing will ever work. No one really understands you. You may be surrounded by people and still trust no one. You wonder if you will ever matter to people the way you want to. You fake it. You lie. You hide your emotions. You wallow in your emotions. You avoid your feelings in any way you can. If you don't dig too deep, you can hold it together.

So, what to do when you just don't love yourself, when nothing is working and you feel like it never will?

In the following days I will be posting a series of articles that will give you step-by-step guidance on what to do when your life just isn't working; when you don't love yourself and you don't love your life.

Next installment... How to Immediately Gain Control of Your Emotions

Love Yourself, Love Your Life

How to Immediately Gain Control of Your Emotions

How to Love Yourself When You Just Don't