Love never lets you go

A Wish list

noreply@blogger.com (Tantrumfly) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 15:32:00 +0000

Well with the winter season coming up and everyone rushing to and fro, buying gifts and preparing for Christmas, I have been asked what would I would like in the line of gifts.

I find it very hard to reply, because in all honesty apart from the very expensive next step life purchases I would like to make, I am quite content with what I have right now.

I have thought carefully about what having possessions means to me and while I feel I have everything I'll ever need, I certainly don't have have everything I'd ever like to have. This is different from actually wanting something, which is a point many of us miss.

My family has a wii and a PlayStation, which no one has used for over a year. I really think its recycling time. But will I experience any resistance, I hope not. Its time to declutter. Now this may be a source of conflict. Why? Well, Jaye and I love books, that we read and reread. We collect them in huge quantities and have now realised a huge collection, that will eventually fill our wall to wall booklined study.

So what am I wishing for this Christmas season. Well to start off with the old cliche' - world peace! of course, if there was world peace we'd have a little less money spent on the war machine and a little more on building sustainable homes, creating sustainable jobs and producing sustainable energy and food sources.

But being a realist and accepting that world peace will not happen in my lifetime, I have wished for a few more mundane things, this festive season.

I wish for equal marriage in Scotland - the catholic church and their big mouthed brigade do NOT speak for me.
I wish for homelessness to be totally abolished.
I wish for personal currency to increase in value and financial currency to stop.
I wish for a cure for autism.(For matthew and Sarah)
I wish for a cure for epilepsy (For Me)

Now for the more selfish stuff, so for those of you that know me - take note.....

A lie in on Christmas morning with hot coffee and mince pies.
Book/DVD/itunes tokens/vouchers
A ring Mandrel and UK size gauges
A concrete mixer
Intraocular lens replacement in both my eyes......

I'll stop there, but anyone can see, I'm not asking for a square meal, warm clothes, or toiletries and socks. So if any of the above are out of your reach think about ethical gift giving.

Wateraid - provide running water for a village in Africa/India the far East
World Vision - provide some chickens and goats for some poverty stricken villagers so that they can make a living and eat.
Cancer Care - Despite all our progress in medical science. the cure still alludes us, think about the folks at Macmillan.
Dont forget charity starts at home so if you'd like to make a donation to any homelessness charity please send them a fiver instead of filling my stocking, it really is no loss to me and it means even more to them if youre a taxpayer.
Finally a dog is for life, not just for Christmas, so please remember those creatures that cannot speak for themselves.

While I am not asking everyone to shower me with ethical gifts, if every stocking had one ethical gift as a filler, how much more would we be changing the world. I would love to hear that there were one million ethical gifts sold this year. That would be the best gift of all.

To err is human, to forgive is divine....

noreply@blogger.com (Tantrumfly) — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 16:52:00 +0000

I have made some mistakes in my life. On some counts it was sheer naivete on others stubborness and yes on one or two occassions I ahve made mistakes as an attempt to get the better of a situation. However, many have said that without making mistakes we cannot grow.

Big life mistake number one: This was a mistake that I didnt understand and thus repeated, because I refused to recognise the underlying issue. I got married - to a man. The consequences of my first marriage continue to haunt me to this day. Some mistakes we make are simply set aside and we can ride off into the sunset and forget about them. Others will remain with us to our dying day. For me this was one of them.

It was only after I was divorced from my first husband that I realised that my marriage had been cultivated on bedrock, - nothing healthy and arable. I had wanted to escape my mother and felt needy in respect of attracting some attention. I was immature and not ready for a lifelong committment. I also did not know what I was committing to.

The first argument we had he pushed backwards very hard off the bed and I banged my head on a wall. He rolled over and went to sleep. After I regained my bearings, I washed the wall and went to sleep in a safer place. FUnnt how the first argument or violent experience is the one one remembers so clearly. Well as my other half has told me countless times, the first time is usually never the last. When something happens and it is ignored/excused or justified, the thin end of the wedge is in and the violence sets in to develop a pattern.

But the pattern had already been set. I just had'nt realised it yet. It had alreadyt been emotionally violent for a while. The forgetting to do things I asked. The forgetting of my birthday and anniversaries. The alcohol abuse leading to failed committments in the home.......

And so I found myself in a ten year marriage that because I was constantly reminded of my own faults, I blamed myself for my discomfort therein. I blamed myself for its failure and only ended it because I felt that I would never have been good enough to rescue it. He still balmes me for it but thats his problem.

The marriage produced three children. When we separated I took my children into a refuge for battered women and then proceeded to have a nervous breakdown. The children were taken into care and he capitalised on my "mental illness". He has ever since. The children are now teenagers and tells them frequently that I am retarded because I have a history of "mental illness". For what it's worth my mental illness was depression and one in four people suffer from this severely in their lifetime. But then wife beating is recognised as a trigger for depression.

It is not so much the past that is looked at through the tinted glasses of the observer, but rather the present that and its impact on the future that concerns me now. I dont feel guilty that I ended both my marriages to men and as with time, I move further away from them I am astounded at why I didnt do so sooner. I experience guilt when it is apparent that my mistakes have impacted on the lives of others - in my case, my children.

For ten years, I have been involved in the upbringing of my children, without his support. Not a penny in child support. Nada. Zilch. Zero.Sweet Fanny Adams. During those years he has pranced around the war torn world, as a contracted medic, in places where a telephone is yet to be heard of. Sierra Leone, Uganda, Zimbabwe and several other dark corners of Africa. Now while I am not bothered about his choice of work, he has chosen to blame me for the lack of contact with his children. Yet he was always able to contact us and find us. He seems to think that I should not have moved house because I could not have known when or where he would have exited the african jungle. He has told our children that we moved house without telling him, but failed to mention that we were unable to tell him because he was uncontactable. Rather he chooses to suggest that the house move was deliberate in order to cut him off from them.

Despite not paying a penny toward them - and I really mean not a penny.(He has never given up a pack of cigarettes to afford the cost of sending the children a birthday card!) I took my children to South Africa, provided them with a weeks visit and I thought at the time established a civilised rapport with him - mistake within a mistake.

He tries to justify the failure to send a letter or a birthday card with the exchange rate. From where I'm standing a pack of cigarettes is a pack of cigarettes whether you're in Britain or whether you're in South Africa. Sacrificing a pack of smokes to send your kids a birthday card is not a big deal -or is it?

Following the 2006 visit, I really believed that interacting with him was going to get easier, I didnt realise I was setting myself up for more trouble. And the story would be very funny , if it were'nt so tragic. The next few blogs will cover the story, with the relevant facebook quotes and post identifiers (Many have been removed, but the post identifiers show anyone investigating the archive points for these posts) as well as the emails and the tragedy of how anger and malice hurt children just as seriously as physical violence. In this case how children often do not realise the damage being dome to them until long after the fact......

Revenge - deliciously cold

noreply@blogger.com (Tantrumfly) — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 00:55:00 +0000

When things go pear shaped for us, quite often we tend to fall into the classic knee jerk reaction. I can honestly say that one of the greatest lessons in life I've learned is to sit back and wait. All good things come to those who wait.

Well I was really the model ex wife. That is until I discovered that my ex mother in law was attempting to or rather should I say succeeding at covertly (and sometimes not so covertly) destroying my attempts at doing business within the Glasgow Jewish community.

Another important lesson that I've learnt in life, and in fact it complements the first one mentioned above quite well, is that half the truth is not the truth at all.

So really getting through tough times is not just about standing back and regrouping, but also assessing your situation for what it really is. I sometimes have to tell myself off for being such an idiot blinding myself by emotional clutter.

When my ex informed my XMIL that we were getting a divorce, she instructed him to "retrieve" my rings. Of course he being the dutiful son did as he was told. Considerable amounts of conflict arose around that ring, but his scheming mother also waited till I was out of town, and she turned up with his "lawyer" and intimidated the woman that was looking after my children as a result of my ex husband having been bailed to his mothers house for assaulting my son. She was rude and aggressive, but then so was the "lawyer" they had hired to muscle them through the door.

Thinking she was achieving something, the vile woman started to take an inventory of things that were in the house and their so called "lawyer" did not see anything wrong with waking up the children and disrupting them in their bedrooms. Breach of the peace or what? They then selected several items and removed them from the house, without my agreement or consent. That was the moment that they changed the rules.

Well I lost my sanity realising the trap they had created, knowing I was 300 miles away and unable to put an immediate stop to this. It really showed how little my mother in law had ever actually cared about my kids. Note; that they remembered her birthday, she has conveniently forgotten theirs during this last year.

I promptly emailed my mother in law the pictures of my ex husband giving head to his male lover that he had met on the internet (I have the emails and wonder whether I might make some money publishing the whole sordid story) as well as the pictures of him engaging in intimate relations with a woman that he and his male lover were paying for sex.

Naturally I involved my solicitor. Everything went quiet. I got my simplified divorce. He insisted on coming around and splitting the spoils of the marriage. He went to town. He wanted the fabulous dinner service and the expensive food processor. I wanted out of the relationship with minimum conflict and conceded.

I got to keep a few nice things and all the rubbish but he did well out of the chattells. But not without a twist.

I was rather annoyed that not only did he take the nicest things, right down to the digital camera, but he had no shame in being so greedy.

I had my first Christmas last year, and the treatment that I received from the Jewish community generally resulted me in turning to my new partner for comfort and I turned my back on Hannukah. We had a great time and decided that a festive occasion deserved all the pomp and ceremony. We started off with prawn cocktail, followed by smoked gammon roast and of course a dairy based ice cream. Yes you guessed it - on the (now very non) kosher dinner service that he coveted and took.

I cannot wait til I bump into his mother at M&S again, just so that Jaye can tell her how fabulous our Christmas dinner looked on the plates she thought she would eat off, may already have done so and certainly wont ever again once she knows what's been on them. That's the closest anyone gets to blatantly serving suckling pig at a Jewish Wedding!

I still however have a heart and since my ex was childless, I did not stop him from having contact with my children. This resulted in us being rather civil to each other and of course me harbouring my little secret about the dinner service.

He then started to make me feel bad about money. Lets clarify a few things here. He was receiving a student allowance of nearly £400 a month and for nearly two years he spent it on himself, while I used our income to pay the bills, feed him and keep a roof over his head. When we parted ways there were several outstanding bills from the marriage. While he enjoyed a comfortable pocket money, I struggled to pay the bills and then he still came back to me asking me to pay for things that he had squandered the allocated money for in the first place, it has subsequently become evident on paying for sex for three in a bed romps that definitely did not include me!

I still helped him out in some situations. But the straw that broke the camels back was when I realised that only half the truth and assumptions from the half truth were resulting in major damage to my business and professional relationships with other people in the Glasgow Jewish community. My XMIL has become adept and passing vague and not so vague comments that naturally develop as they get whispered down the proverbial Chinese telegraph.

Lets get a few things straight.

I did not bankrupt him, he was £30000.00 in debt when I met him and he just could never control his spending.
He has not lost out on possessions, he actually got the pick of our chattels, particularly our wedding gifts.
I was not unfaithful to him, he slept around behind my back for at least four years before the marriage collapsed, using the services of whores and online frustrated housewives on the side too.
I did not leave him for another woman. The divorce was happening before Jaye and I became involved.
I spent months working on his appeal to get him unexpelled from University for cheating in an exam that I discovered last September he HAD cheated in because I discovered the stolen original exam paper when moving house.
He repeatedly lied to his mother because she would criticise everything we did down to the brand of bread we bought.
His mother would ask him to help fix a computer problem that "shouldn't have taken more than half an hour" and he landed up spending five hours there on a Sunday afternoon, repeatedly destroying plans for family time together.
I didn't make him homeless. He did. He assaulted my son, he argues in self defence, but was nevertheless arrested and told not to return to the house. I placed a trustworthy person to care for them. He could have moved into the house, I would have moved the kids to England if he had only asked but....... he couldn't afford to pay for a big house on his own.
I'm still paying for debts that he should share responsibility for, never did and never will.

After self funding my divorce, he now expects me to pay for the religious procedure too. No way Jose'. We're divorced and not financially connected at the hip. I paid for the civil divorce. I don't need a religious divorce. In case anyone hasn't noticed my taste for men has been drained. HE needs the religious divorce and for once in his life he can do something to get what he wants rather than expecting everyone around him to provide it for him. He can pay for it.

But it gets more interesting. You see it turns out that when a Jewish man proposes, the ring has to be his. He has to own it outright. Although it is permissible that ownership can be implied e.g. when using an heirloom, it is accepted that the ring is "owned temporarily" by him and then returned after the ceremony or as agreed by all parties.

My ring was his grandmothers and his grandfather gave it to us.He GAVE it to us. Allegedly. When his mother took the ring, she denied theft stating that it was never mine, and by taking possession of it also made it clear it WAS NEVER his to give away. This means that no exchange of property took place at the ceremony and I would therefore argue that my marriage was null and void! Through all this crap it may well turn out that we never in fact were married!

I can honestly say that I cannot recall my XMIL saying anything particularly nice about anyone, and I have no doubt that the people she talks about, share in her gossip about me. Well fortunately I learned about it all sooner rather than later and they all deserve each other.

The 26th of November is the next big day of my life. I say goodbye to Glasgow's Jewish Community and I start my life anew.

Standing back, telling it like it is and revealing the money grubbing scumbags that liken their rabbis to the Taliban, is revenge enough for me, but I am rewarded with one extra little piece of Shadenfreude, watching my XMIL squirm when the JT and the JC report on a woman's challenge to the actual validity of her marriage and why she is challenging it. There are many ways to skin a cat. And thieves suffer consequences too. Revenge , deliciously cold.

And Now for something completely different........

noreply@blogger.com (Tantrumfly) — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 19:45:00 +0000

My children sometimes are embarrassed by me. But then sometimes, they think I'm quite cool. I'm open about my sexuality (obviously) and to some degree other aspects of my lifestyle. I enjoy attending Club Noir. and occasionally turn up at Violate. Then I have certain ideas on saving the planet (I'm a self confessed tree hugger) and also kindness to animals (Peta have some great ideas, but perhaps go about things a bit awkwardly)

Now anyone can pop down to Primark and get a jumper, but those of us that like to stand out shop at places like Osiris and Hellfire from time to time are looking for that something completely different. But the online market is expanding faster than I can type this post and so I am going to share a few of my less orthodox shopping habits with you.

If you like the darker side of dressing then my most recent adventure in online shopping is for you. Yes Angela I'd love to share this with you, everyday that we shared, the way you are, the way you dress, the feelings you share have made me better for who I am, so This post is for you and the friends that influence my ability to say and do what I want!

Home and Away

noreply@blogger.com (Tantrumfly) — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 10:24:00 +0000

On Thursday evening, I sent my son to stay with his father's family in South Africa. The decision wasn't taken lightly and it in fact took a year to reach this point. I love my son dearly and I made it clear that he was'nt being sent away, but rather being shared.

Now the sceptics amongst you might say that's euphemistic speech, but I feel that I must clarify. Sharing my fifteen year old son is not like handing over a six month old baby to be baby sat. I had to share the responsibility of raising a boy that has been having a rather rough time of growing up recently. For the last ten years I have essentially done it all on my own. Too many irons on my fire (or should I say teenage children) hampered by a predominnatly female household and a lack of male role models has led to me having to admit that I needed some backup.

His father and I have our differences, but then we share a lot in common too and I have no doubt that I shall watch his dad make the same mistakes as myself but also come up with solutions that I had not thought of. After all isn't that what team work is all about.

I worry about all sorts of things and today had to deal with his school in Glasgow explaining that he would not be returning. There are a lot of unplanned side effects involved in this decision, but in the long run, I believe it is the right one.

We chat or message online almost daily and he so far appears to be relatively happy, the weather being most appealing. I already miss him terribly abd his younger sister misses him too. I wonder if this life experience will teach him to appreciate the relationships that most of us take for granted. I love my boy and hope that he settles in well and gets on with his family in South Africa.

THAT FREEGAN FEELING

noreply@blogger.com (Tantrumfly) — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 13:04:00 +0000

Today, Jaye, Sarah and I went out into the woods and in true Freegan spirit collected a huge tub of blackberries. Last year Jaye made a few truly awesome apple pies from the apples that grow wild in the woods. This prompted me to regale my family with the memory of our down and out days when my benefits claim was lost/delayed in the government behemoth and I needed to feed my family. Clearly I was not enough of a needy person despite having three children under the age of eight and no money to feed them with, simply because I did not abuse the DSS clerk sufficiently or would have been difficult to eject from their offices due to inebriation or an unpredictable high. but I digress...

During those hard days, I found a fabulous recipe for nettle soup in my local library and yes also found some apples growing wildly, but I made the deal of a lifetime when every Thursday, I would go to my local greengrocer and relieve him of all the slightly off colour, mishapen fruit and veg left in his shop for the princely sum of a pound. Even twelve years ago that was a fabulous bargain.

After noticing that the Freegans have had substantially more publicity than in the past, I was wondering how many people out there have truly thought of making small adaptations to their lives that in the long run will make a huge difference. Think about this.

This afternoon we went out foraging for food. We collected enough to feed our family of five, walked the dogs, got plenty of excercise, enjoyed a social experience that involved sharing of ourselves and it didnt cost us a penny.

I'm not saying that we should all go digging in Supermarket bins, but if a lot more of us did, even if only to help the needy amongst us, and more of us used our natural environment to sustain ourselves, the'red be less demand on the planet and on the food economy. Therfore there would be more money to spend on less easy to produce items such as clothing and household goods.

But even there is a great way to save. I am a person that uses freecycle religiously. Its become a way of life to many. I am about to set up a business with a huge amount of resources taken from freecycle. The only thing that I will sell that was resourced from freecycle are second hand books and trinkets, with the objective of also supporting charities that our business will contribute to.

I have done some growing of my own veg this year, alhough the patch was neglected while I was abroad and we have some fruit trees planted in the garden, that although producing fruit will really only be viable next year, but from then on provided they are cared for, the residents at our address will enjoy fruits of the earth - Free.

SO before you throw anything away think..... Can someone else use this , Can I use it for something else, can it be f/recycled and does it make a difference?

Making a Stand

noreply@blogger.com (Tantrumfly) — Sun, 30 May 2010 21:52:00 +0000

Most of you, who pop over to my blog to find out how things are going, simply because I am really bad at writing letters, know that If nothing else Jaye's and my wedding will make a stand against homophobia in South Africa and in particularly against lesbians.

This decision was not consciously made when we decided to go to SA to marry, but rather because South African law allows us the choice whether we marry or enter a civil partnership. We are both committed believers, so making a committment to each other HAS to take place in the eyes of God. The UK ironically denies us that right - South Africa, where legislation affords us that right also ironically cultivates a culture where violence against lesbians is not only considered to be right but in fact many view it as necessary.

So I have to ask a few questions here. As a South African firstly would I be prepared to forgo my personal safety to exercise a right that the country in which I live denies me - The answer is yes, and there are many reasons for this.

Firstly when we stand up to bullies in any situation, quiet supporters in the wings tend to make their views known and bullies tend to realise they often do not represent the majority. Furthermore once the taboo has been thrown out, more closeted people will start to "out" themselves and often these bullies will realise that they probably know, love or care about someone whose sexuality they are bashing and into whom they have driven the fear of death.

I dare compare my experience as a person with Israeli nationality with the realisation that most Palestinians are law abiding, peace loving individuals as the rest of us are and that it is the highly visible, loudest noise makers that appear to represent the majority. I lived in the occupied territories and I depended on an Arab to repair and service my car, another Arab to help clean my home and help out with my baby, and yet another to keep my garden alive since we were effectively living in the desert. These people always wished me happy holidays, shared food and drink and laughed and cried with me and I with them as our lives unfolded. We all understood that we needed to love and live and the conflict within our society was a thorn in the side perpetuated by a minority on both sides that were either ignorant and had nothing better to do or had a lot to gain from keeping the conflict going. I still stand by this premise.

The same applies to homophobia. It is used as a tool to divide and instil fear into communities, to detract from the real issues, such as world hunger, lack of healthcare and basic human needs such as safe homes and clean running water. Gay people love and live too. We enjoy good food and have a sense of humour. We love our children, go to work, pay taxes, worship God. We are labelled as different simply because of whom we have chosen to love. Is it any different from labelling people different and an abomination because they are colour blind or Albino? (Many African countries persecute albinos too!)

When those that persecute homosexual people realise that gays and lesbians, have the same feelings, likes and dislikes and are good people too, then what happens in the bedroom becomes a non issue. Seeing the humanity in gay people is what is going to change homophobic attitudes.

I cannot resist but to refer to the recent uproar about the sentencing and subsequent reprieve of the two gay men in Malawi. If they had of been serial murderers would the king have pardoned them? I think not. Even if there had of been international pressure. But their "crime" didnt hurt anyone so common sense prevailed. I have to ask then why does it take pressure from developed countries to force common sense to prevail, in a country where the emotional health of it's people is part of the key to defeating it's poverty and health needs? If it doesnt hurt people and indeed emotionally fulfills others then, why is it a crime? I just don't get it?

On the road to........

noreply@blogger.com (Tantrumfly) — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 21:53:00 +0000

Well here I am thinking about some wise comment shared with me during my (mis)spent youth.There are those people that make things happen, those that watch things happen and the that wonder what happened.

In thinking about this, I really could be classified into all three groups, particularly over the last few months of my life. I woke up this morning realising so much has happened so quickly that although I have been watching things happen around me, I have not only been making things happen, both in a knee jerk fashion, but also consciously in the belief misguided or otherwise that I can have an influence on the major outcomes of my life.

I woke up this morning wondering what happened.

In the last six months I have dramatically changed my outlook on where my life is going and furthermore even radically revised my plans for my future. I have met my soulmate, started making provision to emigrate (yet again).

Glass unsurprisingly remains the loved activity of my life. All those that know me particularly well, are aware that I struggle with the European winter. So much so that I function on a 50/50 basis with working during the summer and hibernating during the winter. Our new direction will enable me to enjoy my love of glass even more!

Exchanging the miserable UK winter for a moderate (In fact hot by Scottish standards)winter in the canaries is not an option to be ignored. I have mentioned in previous posts how my faith in the almighty has an influence on my life and my life choices and yet again, I find myself pondering this side of my attitude to life.

I asked for help finding the right person to grow old with and the swift way in which this was answered left me "wondering what happened". I have almost as if in slow motion watched my intended plans dissolve before my eyes and almost as fast watched new ones materialise. Here I have been watching things happen.

And finally to give these "gifts" direction, I am now going to make things happen. It's so wonderful having been reminded of the warm weather today that I am so motivated to implement a fifteen month plan rather than a twenty eight month plan.

I have even made a "work through winter" plan, to enable this to happen.

So you may ask why is this so significant? Well, for the first time in my life, I am able to share a vision for the future with a partner that shares my vision. My previous partners have always lived for the moment and have had great difficulty in planning for the future, while still enjoying the present.

The new plan will provide such a high level of self actualisation that even should we have to change some plans along the way, as long as the foundation of our future remains solid, we'll be definitely be content.

One fact of life that I have discovered is that when we go with the flow things tend to work out. This doesnt mean that we just need to stand by and watch life happen. It means that we use the most accessible route to reach our goals. I have seen several successful people achieve this in life. One of them started out as a semi literate burger flipper for a well known fast food chain. He then grabbed the opportunity to train as a team leader and once he got his promotion he went to night school twice a week to learn to read and write properly. This took about two years, at the end of which he applied as a management trainee with his employer. He started as trainee manager, became assistant manager, and from burger flipping at age sixteen he was a branch manager by age twenty four. He became a regional manager by age twenty eight and moved on to become a director of the company by the time he was thirty two.

He had no skills and no apparent future to speak of at the age of sixteen. He took the first job he could get and used the system he found himself in to develop a future. He watched what was happening, learned from it and when the opportunity presented itself, he made things happen. He identified what he needed to do within the environment around him to achieve a positive long term outcome. He didnt expect things to happen immediately. Learning to read and write properly became a priority when he realised that he did not need to flip burgers all his life. He did the math, opening doors to different routes to achievement.

Eventually he left his employer, with a strong history of stable employment and career development and today earns a six figure income, largely because he was patient and methodical about getting on with his life.

I have had far more opportunity in terms of education and circumstance than this man, so I can honestly say I find him an inspiration. Every principle he has applied in his life in terms of "getting on", would serve everyone else that wants to do the same thing regardless of how we measure success.

We need to have a long term goal, actively use opportunity to get there and constantly revise the plan to optimise the route. Of course patience and not expecting to have everything by yesterday helps too.

This attitude can be applied not only to the way we approach career development, but our relationships with others and spirituality also.

One day at a time is fine as long as we regularly look up to ensure that what we see on the horison is the destination that we aiming for. Provided we know deep within us what that destination is.

A journey tinged with heartache

noreply@blogger.com (Tantrumfly) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 21:52:00 +0000

On the 4th of April, I shall participate in act that will for all intents and purposes cut me off from my people. By publicly entering the family of Christ I become an heretic amongst my own people. Now Judaism being the hair splitting dogma that it is, actually has different classifications of heretic and believe it or not, I do not fulfill the requirements for the worst possible heretic.

I shall not be allowed to participate in any ritual practice within a Jewish community, I cannot enjoy the rights and priveliges of my fellow people and should I die, I'll be buried, away tucked in a separated corner of the cemetery with the suicides and other heretics.

I cannot be a witness in a religious court, or for the weddings of any of my children. I cannot get a religious divorce. I will be excommunicated. No fellow Jew will be allowed to consume sacramental wine after I have touched the goblet. They may not share a table with me or sit on the same bench.

All this has done, is serve to reinforce my premise that as soon as God's rules are enforced and interpreted by overzealous men, they develop a character of their own.

Isn't it a tragedy that one has to become despised amongst one faith to find fulfillment in another? Why cant we be allowed to fulfill our spiritual journey in life with the acknowledgement and love of those that have shared part of that journey, rather than have to leave them behind in sorrow?

G-d, light, miracles, and of course taboo subjects.....

noreply@blogger.com (Tantrumfly) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 15:22:00 +0000

Well, there I was an orthodox Jewess, sitting in on midnight Mass, observing all the little ritual pleasantries that made me realise, how I have always taken my own religious habits for granted. But more of that later....

The very first thing that I wondered when entering St Mary's a few months ago was "Can they see I haven't a clue?", "Can they tell I'm not one of them?" I was awash with absolutely nail bitingly anxiety inducing insecurity. Just waiting for it, You know the polite stiff upper lip Britishness - "Excuse me madam, but since you killed Jesus maybe you'd be more comfortable several blocks East of here, just the other side of the motorway..... (Garnethill Synagogue)

Of course it didn't happen, and my wild imagination has taken somewhat of an ordinary place on the backburner as I observe Christian folk with what they take for granted.

My life has involved celebrating passover once a year, and believe me with the whole shpiel thats more than enough! And while we make kiddush, bless the wine, cut the challah every friday night, these folks are essentially making Pesach (Passover) every week, sometimes several times a week! Whats the big deal?

OK, I thought I'd do some digging so here we go, I embarked upon the Alpha course in Wolverhampton so that I had something to do while away from my beloved Jaye and take an opportunity to learn something of her faith. I've landed up with more questions than answers.

I find myself completely torn. The music in the church reaches right into the soul. It grips your inner essence and tugs, lets go and just as you take a breath it whips your being around in a head spinning thwack in the chest. It's really awesome! but then so is Cantorial music. It's like being at home spiritually, the same essence, the same effect, but different liturgy.

So does the way we worship G-d really matter? I think so, but for reasons that differ completely from those of the Rabbi's, Vicars, Imam's and Priests et al.

If I am to believe that standing before a Cross during worship is idolatory, I am really in deep, deep doodoo, as I have been doing this on the odd occassion with Jaye. But then in the Synagogue we wave Torah Scrolls around, Swing Lulavim (Palm branches basically) during Succot and do all sorts of swinging, swaying, standing up, sitting down, turning around in front of the Ark, not to mention the poor chickens that pass out from being swung around our heads on the Eve of Yom Kippur and the fish that must choke to death on the breadcrumbs filled with our sins that we throw into the river on Rosh Hashana.

What I'm really asking is, when is symbolism, symbolism and when is it idolatory?

And here is where the big questions start to gnaw at the back of my overactive imagination. As a Jew I have been taught that I am responsible for my own salvation. Our annual religious cycle makes that possible. And for those of you that think sitting in a confessional is a big deal you should have a look at our Yom Kippur prayer book, where we confess to everything imaginable. So why do we need someone else to save us from our sins? But then you could argue that accepting Christ is a way of helping yourself and being responsible for your own salvation, couldnt you?

My greatest problem with organised religion is my sexuality. I have always considered myself bisexual. Now I am in a loving committed homosexual relationship, I am experiencing the ugly side of religion - note I say religion and not G-d.

My own community make it clear that it is not me, but my sexual preferences that they do not condone and yet because I choose to act upon those preferences, I find myself, shunned and excluded. This fallout was a long time coming, with the manipulation of my female role as subservient, and my need to participate remaining unsatisfied. So when I fell for a beautiful Christian woman, I twisted the dagger in an already festering wound.

But then on the Alpha course I was also informed of the terrible sin that I was committing and I stopped to think. As a tool to fight off missionaries and assimilation of our kind into the secular and Christian world, the rabbis have taught us to read everything biblical in it's greater context and consider all interpretations. So I started doing the same with all these Christian quotes and where do I find myself? Nowhere other than the same struggle.

Now I do admit, I have a slight edge on the competition as I studied Biblical Hebrew as an acrimonial during my first Undergrad degree and I speak, read and write colloquial Hebrew, rather well as an ex Israeli soldier. So I find my Christian friends chasing their own tails a lot of the time and this leaves me feeling disillusioned........ and empty.

But here is the difference, a big difference, Jaye as a gay woman is allowed to partake in the Eucharist, participate in church and function as a practicing Christian. Jesus doesnt exclude her for who or what she is. Even though some perceive her as a sinner, that does not exclude her from the path to her salvation. Yet my community have cut me off from the very path that I would need to achieve the salvation from my perceived sin - how is that fair?

And then there's Jesus. We all know he really existed and we know and can see the obvious impact his life and existence had had on world history, so one is tempted to ask, isn't that a miracle in it's own right, surely a fake or a fad would have died out over time?

I really enjoy going into St Mary's, it's a comfortable place, sufficiently so that I have found satisfyingly comfortable moments to pray in my own way. But I need more. I dont do doorstep worship. I always was active in my community. I miss the sense of contribution, of participation of fitting in and of being.

Is becoming a Christian a betrayal, or a fulfillment? How do I equate the gay relationship that brought me to consider this, with the vociferous condemnation of it even from Christian quarters?

How can the most fulfilling, loving adult relationship I have ever had, when it makes me feel loved, safe and able to self realise, be considered wrong or sinful, particularly since this relationship is personal and doesnt hurt anyone.

Now repeat the above paragraph, but this time with reference to Jesus and ask the Rabbi to answer this. Perhaps within the question lies the answer. No?

So what is this Art education thing?

noreply@blogger.com (Tantrumfly) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 01:33:00 +0000

I have finally put my finger on why I felt so stifled when studying an Art and Design course at a further education college.

It was no secret that I struggled to stay on the further education college course and yet university has given me a new lease on life.

College was so much like being at school and when youre thirty something having to ask permission to go to the bathroom, kind of rubs up the wrong way. But that was not my problem. I could never quite put my finger on why I so loathed the course that covered the subject area that is the love of my life.

It struck me this week. At University we have the freedom to self realise, to develop in our own direction, and to enjoy that development. At college we were spoon fed, project after putrid project, with exact instructions as to how things should be done, within very limiting boundaries and requiring us to tick very precise boxes.

At University one is given parameters within which to apply the subject and essentially left to interpret the brief within the scope of ones own creativity. Wow! As long as your lecturers can make the connection between the original outline and your final outcome, and provided your final outcome is of a quality expected at the level at which you are studying you have achieved your educational objective.

And thats it exactly - "your educational objective". I was being forced to achieve their educational objective at college not my own. While the challenge at University level requires that I think for myself and develop my own imaginative process, the rewards are enormous.The work that I present in comparison to someone else following exactly the same pathway at the same level is very different and personally unique, proving exactly that I am achieving self realisation.

Rather than being in a group that is constantly producing multiple replicas of the same piece of work, My own style has been allowed to germinate and despite it's early stages, I can feel my personal uniqueness in all this education.

I cannot deny that the practical skills that I learned at College level have stood me in good stead, particularly since I have had some serious absenteeism from University, but I take my Art work with me every where that I go. I sketch every day, when sitting in a cafe, or on a bus, or just gazing out of my window at halls. That desire never took hold while I was at college, most probably because the sketching would never be able to go anywhere.

And College focused in a very narrow way on the education at hand. It was stained glass, slumped glass, fused glass, kilns, mouldmaking etc. There was no creative input. A module in creative drawing, understanding light and darkness, perspective and permission to explore ones own design styles would have gone a long way to producing more competent college educated designers.

University is not the impersonal overcrowded scary place that the colleges sometimes make it out to be. I have nothing but the utmost respect for my lecturers and tutors. They are approachable and interested and actually I have received more one to one tutorials from them, than I ever did at college. Furthermore they treat me with respect, which instills in me the confidence to tackle almost anything.

That does not mean that there are not compulsory boring modules that have to be completed for the sake of credits toward a degree, but the exciting, stimulating stuff makes that pale into insignificance.

Feeling that I am in the right place, learning pointed in the desired direction, while having a really happy stable relationship at home, leaves me at the age of forty feeling that I have achieved what many do not in a lifetime..... and I havent graduated yet!

A time for everything

noreply@blogger.com (Tantrumfly) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 01:04:00 +0000

Despite only displaying four comments on the previous topic, my email inbox is littered with responses, from my friends and several others. So it's obvious the subject has sparked off some emotional debate. Well Jaye and I decided that we were going to take some time out to discuss how to move forward.

This we did and recently spent the night having DBB in a cosy room, not far from home. We talked and discussed and learned more about each other. But most importantly we connected.

Now I am confident, the relationship is safe, despite the 300 mile distance. The thing is that when we're together, it's almost magical. That deep warm contented feeling. Its not a case of just enjoying each others company, we catalyse, and the transformation is becoming visible externally too.

My health has not been this good for years. It's November, no asthma of note yet. usually I am not walking any more by this time of year. Well sometimes, I'm using only one stick!I still move about OK indoors and can still make it to the bathroom in th mornings.

Emotionally, my fears are tempered, and I look forward to spending time with my family. The drag of cooking,cleaning, worrying is no longer there. Sure Jaye does it now, but we share. That black darkness that pervades my psyche, the moment the clocks go back has yet to find me.

I last felt this in love when I was seventeen.

Love never lets you go.

noreply@blogger.com (Tantrumfly) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 10:07:00 +0000

Well here we are. I haven't blogged for a very long time, eighteen months, maybe two years, I can't even remember without checking. So for those of you who have suddenly realised I'm back here's why......

I really, really believe that I have found my soulmate. But nothing worthwhile comes along in life without a catch, or having to work extremely hard to make it happen - or does it?

I consider myself to be a deeply spiritual person. I believe in G-d unequivacolly. But now I catch myself asking all sorts of questions, and now my quiet spiritual content has been thrown into a whirlpool of confusion. Accepting that there is a G-d, I now find myself asking questions that I had not dared approach before. Does s/he really care about each and every individual one of us? After all there are billions of us, and while I believe s/he is Omniscient and Omnipotent, has'nt s/he got better things to do?

But then maybe not. You see I tried to make a deal with G-d. Before I elaborate any further, a nagging memory of what my Grandmother used to tell me keeps popping into my head. She used to say "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it!"

And so I am waiting for the "be careful" bit. As most of you know by now my second marriage has failed. This particular piece is not about that, but rather what has come after.

I usually pray daily. I find a quiet time and place and pray, reflect, thank and ask. Last April while I was watching things crumble around me, I asked G-d every day for a month to please send me my true soulmate. I prayed intently that I would make a deal. I would look actively for the person, and G-d would intervene to make sure we were both in the right place at the right time.

And G-d sent her. Really quickly. One minute I was thinking G-d was really going to make me work for this, and the next - well there she was.

What I had'nt bargained for were the complications I had created, that are now affecting my relationship. I thought G-d was going to take his time, I believed I had time to play with. But no, G-d took me by my word and sent me my soulmate -almost immediately. How many other people get results like this? I don't know too many. So I had asked for something without being specific and had received exactly what I had asked for.

So whats the problem, you may ask? A rollercoaster ride through circumstances that neither of us had any control over has left my new SO parenting my teenage children, while I am away studying at an English University.This was NOT the plan.

I am 300 miles away, while she goes to work, feeds,clothes and loves the kids, keeps the house clean,etc.

I dont think it's fair. But does G-d do fine print and did I fail to read it? What does it say?

I really love Jaye, she's attractive, sexy, really intelligent, funny and gets things done. None of us are perfect, but she fills that void and makes my life just right. When I'm with her my life is perfect.

So here I am wondering, what am I doing? A new relationship cannot be nurtured at this kind of distance especially with demands that are being made on it, such is ours. Should I pack up and go home? There are untold complications to that kind of decision. Yet perhaps they are a test of the true mettle of what we have. Do I stay and complete my degree, and if I do will I risk losing the most beautiful gift G-d has given me in a very long time?

"Sex is a momentary itch. Love never lets you go" - Kingsley Amis

A small discussion on this would be helpful, any ideas?