loveridgeg

I SCREAM TO MYSELF.................

2009-04-14T16:44:08Z

AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH STOP FUCKING EATING YOU FAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

X x x <3 x x X

2009-04-12T08:51:09Z

i am so ficking fat, ugly and such a fucking failure! right this no purging is just not working i hat to say it but it works!! (for me) i will fast, run, sleep and even purge if i have to!

I have 9 weeks to lose as many pounds as possible AT LEAST 14!!

I must say though I feel deflated not really inspired :(

I hate my life..............

loveridgeg @ 2008-06-29T12:07:00

2008-06-29T11:10:51Z

hello again,

havnt posted for while, i have begun a weekly wiegh in with two friends to keep me in line this time. they dont understand the desperation within me they think i would like to lose a couple of pounds, not 33!!! anyway i am now wieghing in at 130 which is a loss of 3 pounds in 2 weeks! which quite frankly is shit, but its a start, i hav had a shit week food and excercise wise and broke even at this weeks wiegh in which is better than gaining i suppose.
well i will remain strong and i will have bones!!! that is a promise to myself that i will keep!

loveridgeg @ 2008-06-02T13:29:00

2008-06-02T12:31:28Z

i have admitted that i have a seriuos problem, i have now started my excercise and food diary again and after staying away for so long i have given in and returned to the safe haven that is this community

cw 133

hw 133

lw 100

tw 115

loveridgeg @ 2008-02-26T17:17:00

2008-02-26T17:20:20Z

ok so binging is still an underlying problem as well as laxatives and purging, althouhg havnt done either in a while. but i have started my strict exercise regime and trying to banish the devil that is fizzy pop, bulimia is really haunting me now, binging on my favourite things, purging them away when i feel it inside me, then fearing my favourite things. but i am trying to remain calm and trying not to lose my 2 stone in a week, i have come to terms with the fact it is going to take time, and that is ok. so again i havnt wieghed myself because i am terrified of the result so i am perservering with my original plan.

Stay strong, stay thin xx

loveridgeg @ 2008-02-01T13:46:00

2008-02-01T13:49:22Z

okey dokey so i havnt really stopped binging but iam getting better, especially on the evening time, so slowly i am making progress, i am not wieghing myself yet, i feel smaller and my collar bones are starting to show, however i know that i havnt lost enough to wiegh myself. iwill get ther but i need to do this proparly so i can keep the wieght off this time.

so there you go no stats this time bcus no wiegh in x

stay strong, stay thin, keep smilin x

pledge and promise to myself

2008-01-13T20:10:21Z

ok, so i kind of ran away from my journal, pro ana and my battle with my ever increasing wieght for about two months now, really ever since iv moved in with my bf. its hard to say why really, because every day i still pinch those inches and feel sick but i now cant purge, ever! i have no time, i no i could make time but then my bf is in and that would be disastorous. so back to square one really, 133 pounds and an initial goal wieght of 120, 13 pounds may not sound alot initially but i dont want my wieght to fluxuate any more not as dramatically anyway, i want to finally get my bones and keep them.

However, i have a big problem, FOOD, i binge really bad, being a recovered bulimic from many moons ago my fight with food is constant, and usually food wins, i dont want to be unhappy by not eating ANYTHING, however i am not going to be unhappy with my wieght anymore, and if starving myself and purging in a bag round the corner at uni will do it then so be it.

sorry for the long post but as i have said it has been a while. NO MORE PROMISES. NO MORE PRETENDING. NO MORE FOOD. NO MORE FAT. MORE BONES. MORE BONES. MORE LOVE. MORE HAPPINESS.

BRING IT ON!!

XX

loveridgeg @ 2007-12-09T11:41:00

2007-12-09T11:44:51Z

why wont i stop eating, i hate myself, i look pregnant, im gaining not losing and it is getting me down so much, i feel like my boyfriend finds my body disgusting. i need to starve myself but i always fail.... im a failure, a fat one at that!

plan

2007-11-03T19:07:50Z

Its been ages since my last post, have moved into flat and have no internet. I have one day left till my bf is going to start 'dieting' with me. My plan is to restrict during the day whilst at uni then cause we r on a 'diet' only eat the smallest amount on the evening. I have pursuaded him to get rid of all crisps, choc, and biscuits so there is no temptation.

fizzy pop = my devil!!!

I have 28 pounds to lose, hopefully by christmas, i am currently 5ft and 133 pounds, i lost 7 pounds then comfort eat through the stress of moving out and have gained it all back it is disgusting. My target is 105pounds (7.5 stone), once i get there then i will create the second target. I need to do this now, i have failed so much in the past 4 months it depresses me so much!!!

I will update on progress, i am going to keep a food diary to help with motivation.

I NEED BONES!!!!

wish me luck xxx

i cant stop!

2007-10-12T20:16:26Z

ok this is serious now, ive got to the point where i cant stop eating. if im bored i will eat, no matter how much it makes me heave to think about the amount of food going into my mouth i cant stop. ive got to the point where im starting a love/hate relationship with the stuff, i can go days with nothing and feel fantastic, then i will have a day where i will eat a mcdonalds, a chinese and sweets and crisps (in one day!!!) and the worst thing is it doesnt bother me, on that day, until i step on the scales and realise that the 7lbs id lost iv gained back again and it crushed me. but i still carry on shovelling it in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im terrified il get to the point where food scares me, because i know i will lose the most important things in my life, my bf and my family.

my life is slowly starting to fall apart at the seams.

lied

2007-10-09T17:09:39Z

ok so told bf given up smoking, told him to have diner without me (im at work) cuz im not hungry.

both are lies, both make me feel terrible. smoking helps me restrict. we had the day off together earlier and he made me have a baguette from greggs, ham and chedder cheese, with butter. really regretting that, so carnt hav anything else. wot does let me down though is my liquid cals, im addicted to coca cola. im on my second 500 ml bottle of the day (6pm)

so confused

a week!

2007-10-09T17:00:04Z

that is how hectic my life is, buying a flat, a 63 hour week which is combining uni and work, plus finding the time to have a social life.

wieght is up, eating like a pig again, hate myself more, life is shit.

normal really

new thinspo!!

2007-09-25T17:19:41Z

just put sum thinspo on my user pics bit, two of them are real people!! that sounds silly i no all the models are real, but i mean ppl like me, people who look in the mirror and get determination!

i need to start my thinspo scrapbook!!!

ok so missed wiegh day

2007-09-25T16:30:14Z

so ive never done this before but i missed wiegh day!!! iv been that busy looking at my new flat hehe and been at bf house so havnt even been home to see my scales let alone crush them with my hefty body!!

so gna do that tonight, havnt done to bad with food over weekend, if iv had to sit down to a meal then iv picked at eat and made up excuses, although i did binge last night on chocolate. terrible i no but i was on my own feelin very sorry for myself!!

so will post tomorrow prob about my updated stats, hope iv lost will be crushed if iv gained!!

started uni - dance dance dance - burn burn burn!!!

lovez xxx

binger

2007-09-23T11:35:56Z

i have a serious binging problem, i cant stop myself, i physically shovel food in my mouth even though i am not hungry.

its horrible

i want to purge but im at work

wot do i do because im going to gain, which makes me sad which makes me want to eat shit which makes me gain

im going round in circles, and getting fatter and fatter and fatter and fatter

HATE ME HATE ME HATE ME

aarrgghh

2007-09-23T09:03:10Z

ok so probably eat my entire calorie allowance for the week last night. it was take away night and bf wanted pizza, so he ordered chicken combo with wedges and a medium pizza and garlic pizza bread with coke!! omg tried picking at it so he started moaning about my eating habits and that i was ungrateful because i wasnt eating it. so there i went and eat it, omg i feel so fat and bloated today.

i go back to uni tommorow and i wanted to look thin, thats not going to happen now is it!!!!!!!! omg i feel so fucking fat.

dont no wot to do

help xxx

loveridgeg @ 2007-09-22T17:47:00

2007-09-22T16:49:47Z

OH YEAH AND ITS MY WEIGH DAY TOMORROW, HAD A SNEAKY ONE YESTERDAY STRAIGHT AFTER MY BINGE AND I WAS 129 WHICH IS A GAIN OF 3LBS BUT HOPEFULLY DUE TO MY RESTRICTION TODAY I MIGHT HAVE BEEN OK, I NO ITS TAKE AWAY TONIGHT BUT IF I PICK AT IT AND SAY IM TIRED FROM WORK TOO TIRED TO EAT AND I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE I MIGHT GET AWAY WITH IT.

PHEW STARTING TO CALM DOWN NOW AND ACT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON HEHE

ok here it is

2007-09-22T16:46:25Z

i actually hate my body, unfortunately i hate every one elses because they are skinnier, thinspo doesnt really work for me, it makes me hate myself because im disgustingly fat but it doesnt make me feel like starving myself, which we all no is the only way to fucking get all that poisen shit fuck food out and be completely tranquilly empty.

i have no idea what im rambling on about, iv eaten 3 true free crackers today 27 cals each and i fucking had three maoam bits which are 29 each, nothing else so far, so not bad but its saturday and me and my bf are staying in instead of going out. some ppl would think that this is a good thing but oh no, on a night out all i consume is alcohol (i no its bad) but i dont eat ANYTHING in the day so i get pissed really quickly so in fairness dont hav to drink that much. where as a saturday night in = a saturday night take away. un avoidable, it will be either dominos, chinese or fish and chips. seriously upsetting, u dont understand how unavoidable this is.

but on a posotive note istart back at uni again tomorrow and my 2nd year is a dance year (im doing a drama degree) so it is ALL exercise. everybit!!! fantastic so hopefully that will kill my platue and kick start the wieght loss.

we can live and hope, sorry for the rant but i drive myself crazy with these thoughts and this is the only place they are revielled.

lovez xxxxxx

THINK THIN XxXxXxXxX

PIG PIG

2007-09-22T15:36:51Z

I AM A BIG FAT BINGE EATING PIG AAARGGGGHHH

plan

2007-09-18T18:48:47Z

ok so the plan for tonight is, finish work at 8.30 get home by 9, get changed and make myself look sexy for bf, it will be 9.30, bf finishes work at 10 so i will get stuff together and hopefully get to his by 10.

as u can see no time for eating.

haha ive cracked it!!

lets just hope he wants to see me

loveridgeg @ 2007-09-18T18:14:00

2007-09-18T17:18:17Z

ok so i feel incredibly sick at myself for what iv done today but i need to use that feeling to my advantage and be determined to fast!!

if i dont eat anything else today, had the piece of shit at 12 ish, andonly drink water from now till thurs morning i might be able to save myself. just found out i go back to uni next week and icant wait, dance dance dance, burn burn burn, should be fun xxx

fuck me

2007-09-18T16:21:03Z

everything is going wrong, iv turned into a binge eating monster, plan for today went out of window, bf upset me and to get back at him i thought "well ill get fat for you then" and i eat a LARGE macdonalds meal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg its like 1200 cals that is insane. i then fell asleep, so no purging and only exercise iv done is some cleaning this morning.

what have i become??? i cant live in this body any more it makes me sick to think of what i look like now.

cant do it

loveridgeg @ 2007-09-17T16:39:00

2007-09-17T15:48:08Z

menu for tommorow - it is important that i stick to this because i dont start work till 5 and although i have a busy day planned i no i will give in if i dont plan it so here it goes

50g of rice crispies - 150cal for brekkie

cuppa soup for lunch - 50cal

and aother soup for dinner (although it will be at like 9 oclock when iv finished work so i might skip it)

plan on drinking at least the equivilent of 2 x my water filter jug) 0 cal

and at least 2 500ml glasses of exotic juice drink - 100cal

so if i have my dinner i will be looking at staying under 400 cal which is fantastic as long as i keep to under 500 il be fine because its 800 day today so i feel as if im binging lol then its 300 on wed.

hope i can break from my platue this week, need to find time to exercise tomorrow, have a fantastic work out dvd so need to find an hour to do it in, hope my bf doesnt have the day off, because if he does ............ im fucked

long post but this is the only place that i can actual reveal what my plan is............drives me mad

wiegh in

2007-09-17T14:28:41Z

wiegh day yesterday, havnt lost but havnt gained. and considering the week i had last week i am happy. monday - start of a new week with no soda and as much restriction as i can get away with. need will power so going to start a thinspo scrapbook, not online because i have limited access, if i do a propar one i can get to it whenever i need it. hope it works.

lovezz

stats

hw - 133

cw - 126

1gw - 126

2gw - 105

tg 98

weigh in

2007-09-16T13:13:16Z

its my weigh day today and im not looking forward to it, its been a bad week but ah well monday is the start of a no take away week lol we'll see