By the time we left it was 4:30pm. We arrived in Toronto in time to meet everyone on their way out to the lake. Betsi was already there as she had spent the week with Grandma and Aunt Katy. There were two RVs and two tents at the campsite and everyone made except Quintin, who was in Colorado with his dad and Kaden who was with his mom. Billy's sister Dusti her husband Jermie and their 2 boys Gabe, 3, and Ashton almost 1, Billy's brother Matt and his girlfriend Allie (Kaden is his son), Billy's sister Katy and her friend Joe (Quintin is her son), Billy's mom, Diane, and Grandma Velma, and Billy's Aunt Cindy and her husband John, and us, of course. It was a full house and it was really fun.

Betsi was working the concession stands so we ran over and said hi to her and Davis was ecstatic to see his "sissy". I declined a delicious concession stand treat and we returned to camp where Jermie was busy grilling up steaks and brauts. Grandma (I think) had made a delicious pasta salad and deviled eggs. I did really well I thought and had a braut, a tiny serving of pasta salad, and an egg.

Billy, his sisters, brother, and Mom returned to Toronto to put up the flag in the yard that his Dad flew every year. It is huge and I'm putting a picture in of it that I borrowed from Dusti so you can see. Billy's dad died last November and this is the first Fourth without him. Billy's dad, Bill, loved the Fourth he and Diane basically planned the town's celebration and oversaw things. He was just an amazing man and my favorite memories are being in Toronto on the Fourth with all of the family and kids. So, this year was a hard one.

The flag Billy's dad flew every Fourth

Everyone, even Betsi, came together to watch the beautiful fireworks, which are usually over the lake but this year weren't because of the mud. Gabe and Davis who are only 2 months apart in age, were so much fun during the show. One of them would exclaim something and the other would echo it, they clapped wildly and cheered, and even tried to "blow out" the fireworks. It was wonderful.

Davis spent the night in town with Grandma and he was SOOOO excited to do that. Once everything was cleaned up a big circle of chairs was made and we all set down to talk, and to drink. We were joined by two couples who were family friends and it was a long fun night. Around midnight my sister, Amber and her husband CJ with their three girls Erika, Crystal, and Kiera showed up. I was SUPER excited it was a surprise and I loved it, I only see my sister a few times a year and it was so great!

The next morning, the Fourth, it was cloudy and cool and I was hoping that it would heat up so we could swim. We went to Toronto and had breakfast, I had a piece of wheat toast, a piece of bacon, and scrambled eggs. We then watched the parade and the kids caught candy and loved it. We then went back to the lake and swam for about an hour and a half with Amber and her kiddos.

For lunch we drove to Yates Center which is closeby and had Pizza Hut. I had a side salad and 1/3 of Billy's supremo sandwhich. It was good but the air conditioning was amazing! We returned for another couple of hours of swimming and then met Billy's family back in Toronto. Amber and CJ had to leave before lunch to get home.

We said our goodbyes and drove back to Topeka making a side trip to Pomona Lake to check out the swimming beaches there, they looked great and we are going to make lake trips a regular part of our week! Betsi went to her boyfriend's house to watch the fireworks his parents were setting off and the boys and I watched the fireworks at Lake Shawnee. It was beautiful.

This morning we woke up to find that Davis had turned off our fridge/freezer Friday and everything had to be thrown out and the HUGE mess cleaned up. After an expensive weekend I can't really afford to replace all of our food . Annoying.

Anyway I think I did pretty good on the diet, and definitely on the exercise this weekend. I weighed myself this morning and I have last 1.5 pounds in the last 5 days so that's pretty good, I'd really like to speed things up but I know it's best to do it slowly.

So my weight as of 7/5/2009 is 188. My goal weight is 130 and on June 8th, when this site went live I weighed 195.5 pounds. I need to step things up but as of this moment I am feeling pretty positive.

I pretty much followed my diet and I worked out every day although not as much as I should have at times. We had bought a Nordic Rider at a garage sale so I've been on that daily and it's a pretty good burn in my legs and rear and upper arms but it's definately not cardio which is what I really need to do more of. Yesterday I went and played basketball with Billy for half an hour or so, it was SOOOOO hot outside. About an hour later a cool front moved in and I was kicking myself for not paying more attention to the weather lol.

I haven't weighed myself this week so I don't know for sure what my progress is so I'll do that at some point today but I am looking forward to next week and doing increasingly better as time goes on. I have this picture in my head of me a year from now, 30 years old, and swimsuit shopping minus the tears.

I still enjoyed being with my family, the sights, sounds, and smells of one of my fave places, but I left several hundred calories lighter than usual. It wasn't too bad, it's part of my effort to reframe food in my life. To look at food as fuel for my body and not the comforting arms of solace it has been for too long.

This morning we are off to the lake in Toronto (KS) and I'm pretty excited. I don't have a swimsuit and I don't want to buy one but that's fine, Liam can't swim because he had a horrible sunburn this week so I'll hang with him. I hope you all have a wonderful week!!

Summer

Since were starting this project in the middle of the month this set of goals will be very simple. Don't think I'm going to be cutting myself any slack though, its better to work up slowly than burn myself out by setting unreal expectations up front.

Over the next two weeks I will ...

• Go jogging at least 3 times a week and for at least 30 minutes each time.
• Spend at least 30 minutes on the Wii fit every night, and 45 minutes on weekends.
• Go to the basketball court at least 2 times a week for at least an hour each time.
• Spend at least 15 minutes stretching and doing basic yoga every morning and evening.
• Get at least 8 hours sleep every night.

Evaluate my eating habits and make changes to eat better.

There you go, its not very hard and not very exciting but I think it will get me off to a good start. To be honest the hardest part on the list will be the sleep requirements. I have always been bad about putting off sleep but its perhaps the most important thing on the list. With the sudden increase in physical activity my body will need the rest.

I'll be posting the results in two weeks along with new, harder goals.

Which reminds me that I need to work harder on budgeting for healthier food and not take the easy way out of buying ground beef and simple carbs. I tell people all of the time that it doesn't have to be expensive to eat healthier but it does require a bit more work, I wish I was better at following my own advice....

On another topic last night Billy was getting ready to get into the bath and he was looking at himself in the mirror. He was pushing out his very small gut a bit and lamenting about how "disgusting" he looks. For the first time I told him that when he says that about himself it makes me feel a million times worse about myself. The main reason is that if the tiny bit of belly fat he has is "disgusting" then the rolls of fat I have must by completely repulsive. He said it wasn't the same thing but I know that it is. That makes me sad and disappointed in myself. I would give anything to have him look at me like he used to before I became completely repulsive....

So that's that, I'm not eating healthier and I haven't worked out or drank more water, I'm not doing any of the things I set out to do. Tonight I am going to make myself work out, I promise.

So, in order to not let excuses and fear stop me from starting I am going to write out what my goals are weekly as far as action steps towards weight loss. Withouth further ado here they are:

1. I will follow my diet for controlling my PCOS which includes really limiting simple carb foods like strawberry shortcake, ice cream, and white bread.

2. I will get at least 30 minutes of exercise daily either on the Wii Fit, walking on Shunga Trail, or some other activity.

3. I will write daily about my progress.

4. I will drink lots of water and cut out caffeine. (This one will be very hard to do for me so I will wean myself off of my 6-8 large Diet sodas a day instead of just cold turkey)

Ok, sounds fairly simple and I know that Billy will support me, or he won't. Lots of times he unwittingly sabotages me in this type of thing. He knows I love chocolate even though it will slowly kill me so he brings me Hershey's home. He says that ice cream doesn't count as a food as it is not "solid" so tempts me with bowls of deliciousness. Instead of getting out and being active, he cajoles me into movie night on the sofa. I know that he is very sweet, loving, and means well but sometimes I wish he'd push me harder to stick to my plans. I also know that it's really up to me to do and I can't let him become my excuse to stay unhealthy.

So, starting now I am excited about the potential for my future and am walking to the water cooler to fill up my big Runza Thirsti Tiki Mug.

I wasn't always fat, in fact until I was about 18 years old I bemoaned my inability to gain weight and the stick thin limbs that prolonged my awkward teenage stage.  I put on a little weight and by the time I was 20 I was up to 120 pounds which at 5'8" was still pretty little. Then I started gaining weight fast, so fast that stretch marks appeared on my previously taut stomach, I felt out of control and scared. I hadn't changed my eating habits and I had never been one for lots of exercise but I hadn't become less active either. I went to a Dr. and was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS.

I was told that weight gain was a common occurance with this along with male pattern baldness, infertility, and developing coarse hair on the face, chest, and anywhere else much like a man. There is a big debate on whether obesity is caused by PCOS or it causes PCOS, in my case I went from a slim 120 pounds to 185 in about 2 years. I was devestated. I had previously been a girl who didn't pay too much mind to her body, I didn't really need to, I was a little skinny but looked great in a bikini so for a young woman that was all that mattered.

I battled depression that may have been because of the PCOS wreaking havoc with my hormones or because of my weight gain, I was never sure which. All I know is that when I looked in the mirror I was a different person and it tormented me.

My diagnosis was 9 years ago and I have gone up and down with my weight, I learned in 2004 that I had insulin resistant PCOS which meant my body couldn't process sugars correctly. I quickly changed my diet and shed almost 45 pounds! I was so happy, then I wasn't. Depression set in again and I abandoned my healthy super low carb diet and fed my emotions, something that I have a very very hard time stopping.

Over the last two years I've slowly but steadily gained weight to my all time high of 195 in September of 2008. Currently I weigh 191 and am firmly in hatred of my body. I need to do something about it. I have to get healthy; not just for myself but for my amazing husband and for our 3 wonderful kiddos. I want them to be proud of me and even though appearance isn't what matters, having a wife and mother who can play and be active is important.

I'm dedicated to changing my life and I hope that this web site helps me to stay motivated and keep going. Doing this with my husband will be trying but I love him very much and he's always been my biggest supporter. Inside I feel mortified when he looks at me or when he touches me. I feel like a failure and I feel disgusting and uncomfortable. This has put a strain on the romance department. Not only does he have to sleep with a woman whom he probably would never find attractive just physically but he has to also deal with my own insecurities and fears.

So, here I am, a fat girl stuck in an unhealthy body working her way towards something different, a change.

Even being naturally athletic I spent many hours running, lifting weights, and practicing basketball. A lot of this was because being in good shape I found exercise exhilarating and I love basketball. However a lot of that work was due to my competitive nature and hatred of losing. My two best friends were both athletic in their own way.

Brandon strong, fast, and quick and good at sports. Johnny less competitive in sports but was still just as athletic. Having the two of them around to compete against helped drive me and since we have moved apart I've had a hard time working up the motivation to stay active.

For a while I was able to stay in shape with the help of my wife and by working in fields where physical activity is necessary. While my endurance suffered I was still in fairly good shape. I worked out regularly, I ate fairly good, and even gave up drinking soda and beer.

Then three years ago I hurt my shoulder and left arm at work. A year of painful physical therapy later I was left with a check that didn't cover the debt I had accrued on work comp, no job, and a permanent nerve injury that makes my left hand go numb and start tingling if I work it too hard or hold it over my head.

Worse than the physical injury was the emotional issues of a long injury. Over that year and the year that followed I went from strong, athletic, and confident to slow, fat, and depressed and my life fell apart. I made a bunch of bad decisions and everything I had worked for was almost lost.

Luckily Summer was good enough to give me a second chance and now this blog is another step along the road of putting my life back together. My hope is that including my family, friends, and all of you in the journey will give me the push I need to get my body and my life back in shape.  So thank you very much for reading this and I welcome you to join with me and Summer.