Loving When It Hurts

Voyage With Purpose: A Wayfinder's Journey

2025-10-06T10:32:00.000-05:00

After years of writing here, I finally took a brave step and published a book on Amazon!

Having been obsessed with the movie Moana since it came out and writing entirely too many words about it, I decided to condense my thoughts and published a devotional with the truths that God taught me through that movie.

Have you ever felt a quiet stir within—a call to something more, even when everything around you tells you to stay put? In Voyage with Purpose, I invite you on a transformative journey inspired by a beloved story. Through fourteen compelling devotionals, you’ll explore powerful truths about discovering your true calling, overcoming doubt, embracing grace for your imperfections, and recognizing the quiet strength in steady support.

More than just a story of adventure, this book is a guide to navigating life's unpredictable waters—from calm shores to raging storms—trusting that God is your ultimate Wayfinder. Learn to see beyond the surface, recognize your own inherent worth, and become a restorer of hearts in a world hungry for healing. It's time to remember who you were always meant to be and set sail on the purpose God has for you.

Here is the link to purchase it:

Voyage With Purpose: A Wayfinders Journey

For All The Prodigals (and those that love them)

2013-01-16T09:02:00.002-06:00

This post is written to both the prodigals running from God, and to those who love the prodigals. It is not directed at any one person, but is a response to a heaviness on my heart for all those who are standing for their marriages, and it is my hope that you can gain a better understanding of what may be going on in the heart and mind of your lost one.

"You can change who you are."

Do you believe that? Really, deep down, to the depths of your soul?

I didn't.

For seven years.

I wandered in my own desert. One that I had created by hiding beneath a mound of sin and shame. I built my walls and I shut people out. Oh sure, on the surface, most people couldn't tell. I even managed to fool my husband, as lie after lie poured from my lips.

I spent seven years living this way. Telling lies, hiding things, and pretending that I was perfectly happy in my marriage. If you ask my husband, during those years, he thoughts things were OK between us. Sure, he knew there were times I was unhappy and things that I wanted that he didn't give me, but overall, he would have given our marriage a 7 out of 10. While I was rating my marriage at a 1.

I resented him. I was angry with him. I was hurt. I hated that he chose images of other women over me. I hated that he didn't compliment me unless prodded. I was bitter that I had to seemingly force him to build me up with words. Words of affection are the love language I speak, and he was anything but fluent. That was a large cause of my discontent with him. But beyond that, his addiction ate at me. It tore me down and made me feel like I was nothing. Like I would never be enough for him.

Long before I crossed that line myself, I was worn. How many of you are feeling this way RIGHT NOW in your marriages? Read these lyrics below to a great Tenth Avenue North song called "Worn."

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know the sun can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know the sun can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
And I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know the sun can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Can you relate to that? Are you weeping right now, because those lyrics describe exactly where your heart is?

You're so tired and weak and ready to just give up. You're ready to throw in the towel and just be done.

Let me say, that as a prodigal, if someone had given up on me, I would not be where I am today. I would not be experiencing the joy that comes from a healed marriage. I would not have experienced Christ like I did on Good Friday, and honestly, I may not even be alive today. Your prodigals NEED you. They need someone to keep praying, keep hoping, keep waiting.

If you don't, who will?

So, where does that leave you?

You're left with hateful comments from spouses who profess to want nothing to do with you. They tell you that they hate you, or they never loved you. They tell you that they want to be free. They tell you that YOU are the reason everything went south. Or they tell you that they just don't care.

Knowing how a prodigal thinks, all of those words spewed at you are simply a reflection of how they see themselves. I would venture that the majority of prodigals out there feel worse about themselves than they project upon you. The guilt and shame will eat at a person, until all they can do is lash out at those who love them the most. They have hardened their hearts and built their walls to keep anyone who shows them Christ's love out.

Because the truth is, if the prodigals were to come face to face with Christ's love, they would understand that their actions are just plain wrong. They would have to face the weight of what they have done. They would have to acknowledge how deeply they have hurt those around them, and for some of us, it is not only terrifying but the shame is immense. We feel so guilty and as if we can never be forgiven. A prodigal doesn't understand that you love them unconditionally, and certainly not that the Father loves them unconditionally.

I can say this. If my husband had thrown in the towel when he was waiting for me to come back to him, it would have communicated that he did NOT love me unconditionally, which would have further implied that God too was incapable of loving me that way as well.

So please consider that, when you feel worn down by what you are facing. Consider what it will communicate to your running spouse if you give up now, after assuring them that you would stand, no matter what. There are three songs I have been hearing all week that I wanted to share with you, and I hope you hear what God has to say to you through them. Because I believe that these are from him. I believe that the writers of these songs MUST have understood this struggle. Any good song is written from experience, and so I believe that these songs were written from broken hearts, healed only by God's power.

The first song is for all the prodigals. For those of you who have turned your backs on God, maybe decades ago, and you think that all that you have done is just too much. That you've gone too far beyond the reaches of God's love. It's just not true. I can't make you believe it, but I can pray that through this song, and through God's love (and your spouse) reaching out to you, that you will take His hand in faith, and believe that you can change who you are.

These next two songs are for those of you left behind. For the ones who are hurting and crying out to God, wondering WHEN He will bring your spouse home. Please listen and be open to God here. He wants you to hear this message, and understand that it is only in His arms that you can find true rest from your weariness.

All of Me

2013-01-15T08:48:00.001-06:00

While at work last week, while I had Google music shuffling, I heard Matt Hammitt's "All of Me." I shot Kris a quick chat, to share with him how grateful I was that we were together, and tears welled up in my eyes and I had to just say "I love you. I can't talk about this right now." I was at work, and I have only been there three months, so a complete meltdown at my desk may not be a good sign of emotional stability!

Then the next day, as I was sitting in my van, reading an e-book about sex of all things, I found myself on the brink of tears. I can't explain why that should move me to tears, and as I tried to understand what I was feeling, the closest I could come was that perhaps I was just grateful once again for Kris and everything that God has done in our marriage these last 10+ months.

This week I have received several emails of encouragement, where women have heard or read my story and are finding hope. So, while sometimes some may consider what I share to be too much, I know that I am doing what is right, what God has called me to.

Since the first night that Kris and I heard Hammitt's song "All of Me," one line has stayed with me. Each and every single time I listen to that song (which is a lot), I think about the truth in these words:

I can't give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole.

How long did Kris and I do that very thing?

We gave each other only half of our hearts. And in the meantime, we were in our own little world's praying that God would heal the other person. Doesn't make much sense now, in retrospect. In fact, sometimes I feel downright foolish. But as the saying goes, "Hindsight's 20/20." Sometimes you need to be out of a situation before you can see it clearly.

I watched a video today that I found on the Intentionally Standing Facebook page last night. It's called "Modern Day Prodigal Son" by Brantley Gilbert. This got me thinking about a post I've been pondering for a while, talking about what it was like to be the prodigal. It isn't that I think prodigals would actually read it, especially if they don't consider themselves prodigals.

I think, more than anything, I want others to read from firsthand experience what goes on in the heart and mind of someone who has run from God (and their spouse/marriage), specifically someone who is in an adulterous relationship and feeling like there is no way out. So, be on the lookout for that, as I want to sit down and really write through what went on my my mind and heart. Tomorrow I'm guest posting in two different places, so I'll put those links up when I get them.

For now, I want to leave you with this amazing song about love and commitment. Even if you are living apart from the one you love, longing for them to come back home, consider your part, and what you can do to give all of yourself to that person. God sees you. He hears your prayers. He is right beside you, waiting to welcome your loved one home with open arms.

The lyrics are in the video. Please watch it with an open heart and keep fighting for your marriages!

The question of why

2013-01-14T16:03:00.001-06:00

I've been hearing the same question over and over again lately.

Why?

Why do I have to wait?

Why is this so hard?

Why can't my marriage just be whole again, NOW?

Why would I have to wait for years for God to do what I have been asking for?

I have a problem with this question. The problem is that I do not have an answer. I wish that I did. I wish that I could reach out to all the hurting spouses who are home alone, waiting on their husband or wife to leave their life of sin and return home where they belong, and tell them WHEN God would answer their prayers. I wish that I could somehow demand God to work a miracle in their lives and marriages. But, God doesn't work that way, and me making demands on your behalf isn't what he has called me to do. He has, however, called me to pray for you, which I will faithfully honor.

All that I can do, in an attempt to soothe some of the hurt in your heart is remind you that God never leaves us, and share a couple of songs that have helped me to remember that when I don't understand, God is still there. I can encourage you to keep hoping, keep praying, keep trusting the only one who can work a miracle in your marriage.

Don't give up!

Be still, and know that I am God!
I will be honored by every nation.
I will be honored throughout the world.
Psalm 46:10

Rush of Fools, "Escape"

Jason Gray, "This Far"

The first time I heard You call my name
I saw the man that I could be
My life was like a gift that You gave to me
But now I’m haunted by the memory of
A promise I thought I heard from You
And I’m not as sure of all the things I thought that I once knew

But I don’t believe You brought me this far
to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me to see
How You’re moving me

It’s hard for me to walk by faith
In the face of all that I can see
Sometimes I fear I’m just a fool for my belief
But then I feel You come and move in me
I hear You whisper in my ear
And for a moment I can see just how You brought me here

And I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me believe You’re still moving me
With each passing glimpse of Your promise
You’re leading me on
Don’t let me falter now…

I don’t believe You brought me this far
to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if I’m faithful
Or a fool to believe
You’re still moving me

But I don’t believe You brought me this far
to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me to see
How You’re moving me
I still believe
Cause You’ve carried me this far

This Far - Jason Gray

Making new memories

2013-01-12T13:47:00.000-06:00

Last night began a 24 hour birthday celebration for my husband, Kris. A few days ago, I told him that I couldn't even remember what we did last year for his birthday. He responded, with a sad look in his eyes, "I do." It was then that I remembered we had spent the evening with friends that he would rather forget. It brought to the forefront of my mind all of my sin and shame, as I remember WHO it was that had shared his birthday with us. So ever since then, this thought of making new memories has been on my mind.

The truth is, Kris and I have been making new memories for almost a year. Our birthdays, which occur within 3 weeks of each other, are just two more days that we can use to make new memories. My birthday was also spent with that same person. You know the one I'm speaking of. The one I should not have been with. So, as Kris' birthday approached, and mine is nearing, it is extremely important to me that Kris and I make new memories, and that they are filled with each other. That they are filled with reminders that we are committed to each other, and to our marriage.

I've been listening to music, almost nonstop for a week. It has been intentional. I know, I know. You're thinking, "When does Jamie NOT listen to music?" BUT...my church has been participating in a church-wide Daniel Fast since Sunday. One of the things that I decided to give up was audio books. I listen to books when I drive to and from work sometimes, but mostly, during the day while I am working. I chose to give those up, in place of only listening to the local Christian radio station, Pandora, or the Christian music that is on my phone/Google music. It is a way for me to really be constantly thinking about Jesus, his love and grace, and forgiveness. It has been an amazing experience!

Through it, I heard a song (shocking, I know!) that just stopped me in my tracks. I'm surprised I didn't burst into tears right there at my desk at work. Because every time I have heard it since then, I just cry. And one of the things that I love about music is that, like poetry or movies, it can be open to interpretation. And so instead of taking this song as it was, I am going to share it with you in a new way. Instead of in order, I'm taking the phrases or words that really hit home with me, and I'm constructing them into my own love letter to my husband for his birthday. I already played the song for him last night, because I'm impatient and can't wait...but this is what I really want to say about the song, that I couldn't tell him sitting in the van together last night.

It's called "Love Remains the Same" by Gavin Rossdale, and this is my love letter to my husband, who is 34 today. Happy birthday, Lover!

My amazing husband and best friend,

A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like lunar landing
You make me want to run til I find you
I shut the world away from here
I drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black"

I listen to these words, and I think about the emails you sent to me after I left home last February. I think about your loving words, your compliments and the way that I could hear through your words that you were a changed man. I wanted to run to you. I wanted to find you. Though I had seen you standing a thousand times before, I wanted to see this new man standing before me, and I would run as far as I had to, just to get to you.

Instead of spending one last day with another man, I wanted to shut the world away and drift back to you. Your words were all I heard. And really, everything we knew did fade to black. THAT is why I came home to you a day earlier than I told you I would. These words encompass the reason I gave up extra time I could have spent saying goodbye, and came home to you instead. You were all I could see. Your words were all I could hear. And when I came home, everything we knew faded to black, didn't it?

While I was staying at Jennifer's, trying to decide what path I would take, this is exactly how I felt:

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you

I knew, deep down, that I was done pretending that living two lives was something I could keep doing. I was done fighting against myself, and ready to start fighting for my marriage. But the problem was that I really didn't think I had anything left to give. I was so broken, and so hurt. I was alone and devastated over everything I had done, and I wasn't sure what I could even offer to you when I came home. You were pushing me, loving me when I was unlovable. Forgiving what was unforgivable. You pushed me so far, but as it turns out, as I sat there without you, that pushing is what I needed to choose YOU.

While I don't believe that the writer of this particular song meant the following lyrics the way I heard them, I don't really care. They fit with our story. They fit with where we were in those early days, and the life we have been sharing together.

Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

Everything was about to change. I was terrified of you, and of love itself. I knew that your love had remained the same. But I would learn that we would drink to what we had lost. We would use the mistakes we made to teach us what love really meant. We would learn, from doing it all wrong, how to do it right.

So much more to say
So much to be done
Don't you trick me out
We shall overcome

There was so much more to say when I came home. A lot of work to be done. There were many things we both had to change. Lessons we needed to learn and things that God wanted to teach us.

I love this line, "We shall overcome." 1 John 1:3-5 says, "In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." We SHALL overcome!

We should've had the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we're over here
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time, too much defending
You and I are done pretending

You know, we spent so long inside ourselves, inside our minds. In darkness. We could have had the sun. We SHOULD have had the sun. But we allowed sin to cloud our vision, and we lived too many years in darkness. We spent too much time defending what we thought brought us happiness. But what I love the most is how you and I both know that WE ARE DONE PRETENDING. We know what God has done for us and for our marriage. We know the difference between truth and lies, and we're living in the light of the Son now!

And I couldn't be happier. Through it all, through all of the hurt and all of the pain, love remained the same. I am so grateful that we can see it now. I'm thankful that we are living in truth and experiencing more blessings than we deserve or could have ever imagined. God has been so good to us, and I can't think about what God has done in our marriage without being brought to tears. I still get choked up thinking about how much I love you and how thankful I am for you, and for what God is doing in my heart.

So this year, on your birthday, know that I love you and I think you are the best man I have ever met. We will make new memories. Ones that are better than any we've ever had. I cannot wait to celebrate many more birthdays and "firsts" with you as we travel on this journey together. I know that the blessings will continue to overwhelm us with God's love and grace, and I am just so amazed at this second chance we have been given. Happy birthday to my best friend and lover! Let's drink to all that we have lost, mistakes we have made, and let LOVE remain the same!!!

For a thousand years,

Jamie

Whatever You're Doing...

2013-01-09T15:23:00.000-06:00

Today is a hard day. I can't explain it fully, because I am not even sure I understand it myself. It started yesterday, and I really feel like it is God pressing down on my heart. There is something He wants me to see. Something He wants me do. And I don't know how to do it. I mean, I've been doing it for nine months, as I have been drawing close to God, but I can tell that He wants something more.

He wants me to pray. More than I have been.

It may not seem like much to you, but what He wants me to pray for is crazy.

Okay, maybe "crazy" is a little extreme.

For two days, I have felt this heavy weight on me. Yesterday, as I thought through it all, the enemy was quick to attack. I had a really difficult drive home from work last night. Different thoughts and memories came flooding into my mind. The enemy was whispering, "Go ahead. Indulge. Just a little. Remember."

I was screaming inside, "I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER! It's too horrible. What I did was so shameful."

And then God was there too, firmly saying (in the voice of our counselor Tony) "Jamie, remember what I did for you. Remember that the path you chose all those years ago is not the path you are on. Your past is your past. You can't change it. All you can do is pick yourself up, and let it remind you of who you WERE. It does not define who you are today. Yesterday does NOT define you."

I can feel God moving and working. I feel it in my bones. I am not sure I've ever felt something so strongly before, with regards to KNOWING that God was speaking to me. He's telling me to spend a large amount of time (and energy) praying for the family that I helped break apart. He's asking me to pray for restoration. He's asking me to pray for healing, in every possible area that needs to be healed. Some of the things I need to pray for are so detailed it's ridiculous. But I know it to be the voice of God, and I can feel His hand on my heart.

At first, I just thought it was the usual urge that I needed to pray for this family. I do spend time praying for them. Often every day. But at times, fear comes creeping in, and I just ask God to work and move, to hear what is on my heart. I think I am afraid sometimes to really speak everything that is on my heart. Even just between me and God.

What I am feeling now, what I cannot escape, is this calling God has placed on my heart to fervently pray for this family. For the man I fled to when life got too hard, and for the woman I stole seven years from. I don't know what any of it means. I don't know where to start, but I am going to be faithful to what God has called me to do. I have no idea what it looks like, but I have a feeling that my heart will hurt through this process. Not for myself as much as for the other two people involved. I don't even know if that makes any sense.

All I do know is that it all sort of solidified this afternoon at work. I've been listening to Pandora almost non-stop, trying to focus on Christian music this week, instead of listening to the current book I am engrossed in. And in the midst of all of this turmoil, confusion, and certainty that I knew what God was asking of me, I heard the song "Whatever You're Doing," by Sanctus Real. The lyrics, as they have in the past, hit home. And this is just where I find myself right now.

--

It's time for healing; time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos; somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life; something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life; something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Honored

2013-01-09T09:17:00.002-06:00

Since I started this blog ministry in September, I have been blessed so much by the many devoted men and women I have met (virtually anyway). People committed to God, to marriage, to offering hope to a broken world. One of those people I am growing closer to is a woman named Sherry, who manages with her husband (and I believe one other couple) a site called Intentionally Yours. The subtitle on this website is "Until every home is a godly home" and I just love that. What a great goal to have for a marriage ministry!

There are always great articles, full of hope and encouragement. Sherry and her husband also run a Facebook page called Intentionally Standing. It is through this page that I find my heart torn and longing for God to restore other marriages, as he has my own. I pray for the men and women and leave comments on that Facebook page, and I hurt with them. Some have been waiting for years for their "prodigals" to return home. Some are still standing, even though their spouses have since divorced them and remarried. It's painful to read, but I make myself, because I know that God has called me to pray for these couples. And for the hearts of those who are living the way that I used to live.

All that said, through this process, I have had the honor of guest posting on Intentionally Yours three times now. I count it a blessing to be a part of what Sherry and the others are doing through their own ministry and am grateful that God has given me an opportunity to share my thoughts there. Here are the posts over there, in case you missed them:

Hope Does

Forgotten Valentine

Forgotten Valentine Part 2

Communication Skills

2013-01-08T09:23:00.001-06:00

To some, communication is a dreaded word. Feared even. To others, who are practicing it regularly, it can sometimes just seem a minor inconvenience. I would love to find the person who tells me that communication is EASY. I'm not just talking about spewing forth your feelings in a raging outburt, with no thought for how the words will be taken by the hearer. I'm curious if there are any COUPLES specifically that think that communication is the easiest part of their marriage. For most of us, I would venture that communication in and of itself is the most difficult aspect of making a marriage work. Kris and I can communicate left and right. Especially on the little things, or even spiritual matters. Even about our past.

But when it comes to resolving actual conflict, we don't do it right.

We don't know how to resolve conflict EFFECTIVELY.

Don't get me wrong. We EVENTUALLY get around to resolving it, as it is something we are both committed to. But there are times when we resolve conflict simply because we are committed to one another and our marriage, and not because we have somehow magically figure out how to communicate effectively.

For me, there is a lot of sarcasm involved. It's always been that way, and while I am striving to hold my tongue more, I fail 9 times out of 10. I fly of the handle so quickly, and if I am feeling really passionate about something (even if it is something good) my voice will rise, and I end up yelling.

For example, Abbey came out into the living room crying on Sunday afternoon. Mothers will understand this far better than those who are men, or who do not yet have children. When someone hurts your child, don't you just want to throttle whoever has done the hurting? It doesn't matter who has hurt your child. It doesn't even matter if your child is in the wrong! If you make my kid cry, you're going to wish I had never laid eyes on you!! That's my initial response internally.

As mothers, it is built into us to protect our children at all costs. Yes, we have to draw the line somewhere and make boundaries so that we don't go tearing the eyes out of any kid or sometimes parent who looks cross-eyed at our kids.

Am I the only one that feels this way?

So, Abbey is crying, telling me about something that Kris said. Kris had good intentions, and was trying to teach Abbey something. It was even Biblical. But when I saw her crying, the hackles went up and I went into full on "mama bear" mode. I was furious that someone made my daughter cry. I didn't care what the reason was either. In that moment, my heart hurt for my child and someone was going to pay.

Unrestrained, as I can't master EVERYTHING at one time, I asked (I'm sure none too kind) Kris to come into the living room. Mama Bear took over, in an effort to avenge and protect my dear bear cub. I was feeling quite passionate about the topic we were discussing, so my voice naturally raised. In fact, I didn't even know I was yelling until Kris defensively said, "I feel like you're yelling at me right now."

Well, that shut me up.

How could I argue with the man? I WAS yelling. It wasn't at him, so much as the situation. I wasn't even angry with him. He had a right, as the spiritual head of our household, to instruct Abbey on the issue that had brought her to tears. But that didn't change the fact that he made my kid cry.

It isn't just when I'm upset about something. If I am excited about something, I tend to talk faster and louder. It's about passion, not anger. I was feeling very passionate about the topic we were discussing, and while I wasn't even intending to create conflict (though we did share different opinions), my raised voice and tone implied to Kris that I was angry with him.

Does that sound like effective communication to you?

So at this point, what can I say? Nothing. I sat there, saying nothing. Kris thought I was mad and ignoring him, when on the inside, in my mind, I was trying very hard NOT to say anything. Because I knew that if I opened my mouth, yelling would pour forth from my lips. It's a tough spot to be in. If I cannot communicate with Kris without yelling, I don't communicate at all.

Long story short, we finally resolved it, and I was able to express my need to protect my child, no matter what the cause was. We came up with a game plan to resolve the issue with Abbey, and I think that Kris and I understood one another a little bit better.

So, as we go along in this journey towards being a healthy, happily, GODLY married couple, we are learning. We are growing. We don't communicate effectively all the time. Sometimes (like me with math word problems), we take the long way. But we always get to the same place in the end. So that is something. To know, even in the midst of frustration and mis-communication we will eventually resolve the conflict and have peace in our home. Because we are committed to it and to one another. I am not sure that we will ever perfect communication on this earth. I am not sure it's possible, as long as we are human. But we can grow, and we can learn and each day come one step closer to better communication.

What about you? Is communication easy for you?

Looking back

2012-12-31T15:36:00.000-06:00

There is something to be said for looking back and reflecting on your life. As I look back over 2012, I am both horrified and humbled by events that have taken place in my life. Early in the year, I made a choice that I have yet to regret. I came home. It has been quite the journey, and even though there have been rough patches, I am blessed beyond measure. My heart belongs to a man who truly loves me, just as I am. He loved me when I was at my worst, when I was most unloveable. He has sought to strengthen our marriage and make sure that I am taken care of, spiritually and emotionally (on top of financially). We have had the best ten months together, learning how to be better spouses, and honor our marriage vows to one another.

I saw a quote the other day from the Intentionally Yours Facebook page, that I really loved:

"Don't abandon the marriage because you don't 'feel' the love now. It was for this very season you each spoke the vows...I will not forsake thee." -Marriage Works

I truly understand the meaning of that, and am grateful to have been given not only a second chance at my marriage, but at life in general. I still fail. I still make mistakes. But I am healthier and exactly where I need to be. I have learned what true confidence means, the kind that can only come from understanding who I am in Christ. I no longer wrestle (except on very rare occasions) with low self-esteem, and I am faithful to my husband in all ways. 2012 was a big year for me, and for my marriage, and while there is pain in remembering, there is also so much joy.

I am forever grateful to God, to my husband, to Tony our counselor and pastor, and a myriad of other people who have touched my life and heart along this journey. I never dreamed I could feel as complete and whole as I do, sitting here today. God is so good, and has given me far more than I deserve.

I look forward to what 2013 holds, and pray that I have the courage and strength to continue living in the light. There is no better place to be!

Christmas Traditions

2012-12-23T20:24:00.000-06:00

Each year, in order to fill our Christmas tree, we pick out an ornament that suits us, or describes who we are or what we like through the year. Many of you who have followed my writing for sevearl years know of this tradition, and you know that each year I post pictures of our chosen ornaments. It isn't just Kris and I choosing 6 ornaments We choose our own, and since they have been old enough to care (age 3 and up), the kids have chosen their own. So, consider this my annual post on our 2012 Christmas ornaments. This is my favorite Christmas tradition of all time! I hope my children have fond memories of this and continue it with their own families some day.

Up first, Kaleb:

This one is funny. It says several things; one of which is this: "It would be unwise to peek at these presents."

Abbey:

I'm not sure what hers says and I don't see the thrill in this cartoon or whatever, but she likes it, so that is all that matters.

Kris:

I have no idea who this character is. I'm not asking for answers either. It's from Star Wars or something like that...

Olivia:

Not just any ordinary Nutcracker. This is a "Wisecracker" and says funny little things that amuse Livvy and me.

Katherine

BACON! A girl after my own heart. I may have chosen this one myself if I hadn't had other plans in mind...

Me:

I wanted something significant. Something that would speak to the last ten months Kris and I have spent together. In a lot of ways, this will be our first Christmas together, and I am very happy with this oranment!

What is your favorite holiday tradition?

Love Never Fails

2012-12-03T21:24:00.000-06:00

"To Exhaustion...and Beyoooond..." (said in the best Buzz Lightyear impression I hear in my head...)

That's the adult battle cry.

At least, that's how it feels for us lately.

Kris and I fought a lot during the last week. It was primarily me, as always. But that isn't even why I'm writing.

I'm writing tonight because something is on my heart. On the way home from work tonight, I was heavily under attack. Thoughts came into my mind that I didn't want. Memories. Things from my past threatened to swallow me. It kept building and building, and as much as I tried to focus on something else or pray, it was persistent.

So I used the alliance that Kris and I have, and I called him. We had some brief small talk, and he could tell something was wrong. I was edgy and frustrated, because there was a lot of background noise and I couldn't hear him, and I just really wanted to tell him what had been going on. It was as if, even then when I tried to do the right thing and talk to Kris, the enemy tried to get in the way. But my husband, being the amazing man he is, asked me what was wrong.

And I wasn't afraid to tell him. Did I wonder, in the back of my mind, if it would hurt him? Yes.

But, Kris is pretty much the most amazing man in the world. I don't deserve him, and yet he is in my life just the same, and I am a better person because he is by my side. And I couldn't just cushion what I had to tell him. I couldn't sugarcoat it. That's not who I am. It isn't how I talk or think. I usually just spit it out, without thinking about how it will sound. This is what I said (or something close to it):

"I was just driving and started thinking about <insert name here>, and I can't stop. And it's making me mad."

He immediately said, "Let's pray then."

So my husband prayed over the phone, with me, while I drove. I cried, listening to him pray. He spoke words I needed to remember. He asked God to remind me of what He has done in my life and heart. He reminded me that I am not that person anymore and it was a reminder I was desperately in need of. I didn't even realize how much I needed it until he spoke the words. I felt so refreshed and so filled with love for that man.

I'm just a really blessed woman. Beyond what I deserve. Beyond what I can even imagine. I am so grateful to God for each new moment I have with Kris. And I am thankful that I can tell him another man's name that I can't get off my mind, or about memories that plague me, and he prays for me. He doesn't get mad at me or heap guilt on me. He doesn't judge me or allow the sins of my past to distort his view of me. He just loves me the way that I imagine Christ loves the church. Love really does never fail. When you love the right way, you know?

Another Anniversary

2012-11-19T22:52:00.000-06:00

I wrote in my last post about my life changing 9 months ago. Today, however, marks a different anniversary Instead of the night Kris found out about my affair, and I left our marriage thinking it was over, today marks 9 months since I walked back into my home and decided to FIGHT for my marriage. I decided that what Kris and I had was worth the pain and sorrow. It was worth whatever it would take to find healing and restoration. It also marks 9 months of sobriety for both Kris and me. This is a HUGE step for us and we are so excited to have made it this far. In 3 short months, we will celebrate ONE YEAR. I am daily amazed at what God has done in our lives and marriage since February.

One of the blessings is all the "firsts" we get to experience, as sinners, being remade. Kris "noticed" me for the first time. I chose to love him, unconditionally, unsure of the risk. We have gone to movies without me sneaking texts or him not looking away from something inappropriate. We'll celebrate Thanksgiving this week, for the first time in seven years, without me thinking about when the next time will be that I can talk to the OM. And Christmas! We will celebrate Christmas as a WHOLE, healthy family for the first time ever.

And then there is Switchfoot. We have seen Switchfoot perform seven times now. SEVEN. And all of those times (except the last) were times that I shared with another man. Not necessarily by his presence, but by my mind being consumed by thoughts of him. I was always divided. Until yesterday. Yesterday, I saw Switchfoot perform with my husband by my side. And only two thoughts on my mind. Kris, and Switchfoot. I wrote on my other blog about winning a contest through 105.7 The Point. Tonight, I want to tell you the outcome of that contest.

I didn't believe it was real. I wanted to believe it was real. I hoped beyond all hope that when I got down to the Edward Jones Dome there really would be VIP passes for me and Kris, to watch the Rams game in a luxury box, WITH the guys from Switchfoot. I was nervous the whole morning. I could have screamed with joy when I was handed our VIP passes at the Will Call window. Katherine and Kris' mom took the tickets Katherine won from JoyFM to watch the game/concert and went to their seats, while Kris and I found our way to our own.

We got there an hour early and it was a good ten minutes into the game before Switchfoot showed up. I was concerned that I misunderstood the prize I won. Until they actually walked into the room. Shaking their hands and hearing them tell me their names was surreal. I'm still in some sort of shock over the entire thing. I didn't scream like a crazed fan, but I wanted to. I wanted to tell them my whole life story and I wanted them to think I was the greatest fan in the world. Neither of those things happened.

HOWEVER, I did get a lot of pictures, and Jon Foreman, the lead singer, signed Katherine's favorite book, telling us that he was a huge fan of C.S. Lewis. The men were all very nice and spent a little bit of time talking to us. I invited them to come home with me instead of going back to California, but they had to gratefully decline. I told them that if they ever needed a place to stay in St. Louis, my home was open. I was really sad when they had to leave to get ready for the concert.

All in all, I'd say this experience with watching the Rams game (which was NOT a good game) with Jon, Tim, Drew, Jerome, and Chad was a great way for me and Kris to celebrate the 9 month anniversary of coming home. To Kristopher, in the words of Switchfoot, "I still believe we can live forever. You and I we begin forever now. Forever now. Forever. I still believe in us together. You and I we're here together now. Together now. Forever now."

At the Dome with Katherine, before we went our separate ways to find out seats.

Excited that my VIP pass was real!

Kris took this picture of me. You can see the field in the background. We had a great view!

Talking to Chad. He thinks I'm fabulous!

Kat and I on the 40 yard line, waiting for the concert to start. We were in the front row and it was awesome!

Drew, jamming out!

I love this picture! What a great show!

The sign originally said "Bethanie Rocks" in honor of my awesome friend who watched the younger kids for us, but Kris found a way to photoshop the picture! This is better!

Celebrating 9 months of sobriety with the best man. I'm the luckiest girl alive. God is so good!!

I love this picture. It was truly a dream come true to meet Switchfoot!

Brothers, Jon and Tim Foreman, I'm sure discussing how fabulous they think it was to meet me and Kris.

Chad and Jerome showing me how incredibly cool they think that I am.

I like to believe that Jon and Drew are laughing at how hilarious I am. ;-)

Tim Foreman, with Jon and Drew in the background. I am pretty sure Tim thought I was saying something very funny. This is also just a great picture of the guys!

While we weren't technically supposed to ask for autographs, I told Jon how Kat used to sing "grace is high and low" from his song "Innocence Again" when she was just three. Which was always so cute for me and Kris, especially since her middle name is Grace. So I asked Jon to sign Kat's favorite book, The Last Battle, by C.S. Lewis and write this on there. He was happy to oblige and I love him more for it.

Unsure where to turn

2012-11-11T14:23:00.000-06:00

Nine months ago today, my life was turned upside down. My husband stumbled upon something that I hoped he never would, and I was faced with the truth of the life I had been living. The duplicitous life of someone who had spent years in sin and darkness. I had to face the person I had become and admit to my husband that his greatest fears had been realized.

It's a night I will never forget, and yet, I feel nothing from that night. In fact, I felt nothing that night at all, except frustration that Kris had found out, and scared of the future. Scared of what it would mean. For me. For Kris. For my marriage. For the kids. For my relationship with a man I had no business being involved with.

I felt no sadness, or shame, at that time.

Nine months.

I cannot believe it has been nine months now.

Do you know what that means?

Two things.

#1. God is incredibly good, far beyond measure.

#2. It has been almost a year already!

I cannot believe how quickly time has flown by. It's ridiculous, as it feels like only a few months have passed. Some days I feel as if Kris and I are living in this honeymoon phase. But different from our actual honeymoon, which Kris will agree was not ideal.

If you aren't married, let me assure you that honeymoons are not always what you imagined they would be. Especially if you're a virgin and have never lived together before. There was so much we had to learn back then. And yet, there is a lot we have been learning in these last nine months.

The difference, however, between then and now, is that Kris and I are changed people. Freed from years of addiction and self-hatred, we have a completely different view on life, and more than that, marriage.

Today I found myself thinking about my weight and other imperfections, but realization dawned on me, immediately after those thoughts went through my mind. And the realization was this: I have not spent much time at all, especially where Kris is concerned, even thinking about those things that I always used to hate about myself...before. Now, assured that my husband loves me as I am, mentally/emotionally/physically, the majority of the time, those thoughts don't come into play. And only once in the last six months have I even looked down on myself when Kris and I were together.

We're both changed. For the better. I don't need his approval or reassurance (as much as I did-hey, I'm still human) to feel good about myself. God tells me I am a beautiful creation, and I believe Him. Kris, though, has been so vocal about how he sees me, and the combination of the two has changed the way I see myself, to the point that when Kris and I are together, I don't see myself at all. It's just us. Two are better than one, right?

Kris had the opportunity to preach at church this morning and was amazing, as always. He's the type of preacher you never get tired of listening to. I'm not just saying that, as a biased opinion because I'm his wife. God speaks through that man and he is such a great vessel for the Lord. He made me cry, of course. But I thought it was fitting-the timing.

Tony didn't set it up so that Kris would preach about Psalm 32 and how we need to live in COMPLETE honesty on the 9 month mark. It was not a coincidence though. Kris also preached about how when we have truly confessed, we have real joy. Kris and I have been experiencing this true joy for almost 9 months now.

I feel so much more freedom and so much more alive than I thought possible.

Sin allows us to feel free and alive.

I know because I lived that for 7 years. I thought that the affair is what made me feel free and alive. But it never lasted.

It was only through confession and a change in my own heart that I learned what it really means to be alive.

To be free!

Satan is so crafty and deceptive.

We choose to live in sin and it makes us feel happy.

Content.

Free.

Alive.

But there is no lasting joy in sin. We just become so accustomed to the good feeling it gives us that we miss out on the real freedom and joy. And I think that's just really sad. I wasted 7 years of my life and my marriage. Heck, I wasted 12 1/2 years of my marriage not really understanding this truth.

Not any more.

I won't miss out on any more joy.

"I could choose not to move, but I refuse." - Josh Wilson, I Refuse.

Listen!

2012-11-11T14:02:00.003-06:00

Listen to this song. I just heard it for the first time today.

Don't give up.

Enough said.

Come Home

2012-11-08T08:30:00.000-06:00

I love the moments where Kris and I are laying in bed and I take his hand and tell him I love him, and he says something like "I'm so thankful for what we have." Or, the times when he will just look at me, and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am. Or the conversations we have about how God has changed us, and how much better our marriage is now that we have surrendered it to God.

You see, the first five years of our marriage, we both missed the boat. The next seven we couldn't even SEE the proverbial boat! I cannot remember a time during the first five years that we cherished little moments like those I mentioned above.

Where we sat or lay side by side, holding hands and talking about what God has done and is doing in our marriage. Before the affair, there wasn't much to talk about. Kris and his issues with pornography were talked about, occasionally. When he would start acting strange and I would confront him, then he would admit to it and eventually we would sit for many hours talking about it. But it wasn't the same. There was always some degree of heartache involved in that.

After the affair began, we seemed to avoid those topics. We weren't close, and the last thing I wanted was for him to touch me. I wanted him to tell me I was beautiful. I wanted him to want me. I wanted to hear words of affirmation that had always been missing from our marriage. And he wanted me to touch him. To tell him I loved him. To validate him, as a man and husband. I couldn't do those things because I refused to say or do something I didn't "feel"; and because of his own sin, he was incapable of truly seeing me, so it was difficult for him to use words of affirmation, being blind to much of what he had. Don't get me wrong-I was blind too.

We missed out on so much in the first twelve years of our marriage. So much that now, we notice every little moment, every victory. We cherish them and even in the craziness of life, we find ourselves marveling at what God has given us. What we share together is a bond that is now unbreakable. I think that things will come into our lives and shake us up. But I know now with 100% certainty that what we have is unbreakable. Our marriage is finally built on the solid rock of Christ that we thought we were building it on 13 years ago.

I'm writing all of this out of gratitude for the man that chose to stand by my side when I was at my ugliest. In my worst moment, despite horrible and hurtful choices I had made, he chose to love me anyway.

It has been almost 9 months since I came home to my husband, and it has been the best 9 months of my life, and my marriage. It's hard to believe that the one year anniversary of my homecoming is not far off. Kris and I seemed to fight against one another for so many years and we missed out on the blessings that God had to offer to us. We lost out on so much.

But there is nothing to despair. What we went through is now something that has made us stronger and closer than we imagined possible, and the ability to minister to others in those same situations is possible.

Could God have used us to minister to people without us screwing up our lives for a time? Absolutely. But I think that the testimony we have now can reach out to a world that believes divorce is the only option available when times get tough. A world that teaches that if your husband/wife cheats on you, or just makes you mad, you can walk away. That you shouldn't have to "put up with that."

Do we really understand all that God puts up with? God is our model. Our example. And if HE puts up with all of our crap, then why is it so hard for us to put up with each other? The messes we get ourselves into...and yet God doesn't walk away. He relentlessly loves us and chooses us. He chooses to stay, waiting and longing for the day that we will come back home to Him. And when we do? He welcomes us with open arms. He embraces us and throws a party, of all things! So these homecomings are something to celebrate! There is indescribable joy in coming home. Both to your spouse and to your Creator.

Marriage and Christmas music?

2012-11-02T08:39:00.000-05:00

It's no secret, if you've read this blog for any amount of time, that music is a dear friend to me. So, what do marriage and Christmas music have in common? Everything when I'm involved! Of all the music I love, next to Christian music with amazing lyrics, I am a great fan of Christmas music. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year and the music was always played in my house growing up. I have been known, on occasion ~~year round~~ to listen to Christmas music often, even if "out of season." Yesterday I heard someone on the radio talking about Jason Gray's new Christmas album.

First of all, not only did I lose out on a lot of great Christian music during my seven years of wandering, I missed out on Christian CHRISTMAS music! I have SO much to catch up on this season!!! Anyway, this album was said to be a traveling through what happened at Christmas time all those years ago, with a certain little baby boy, named Jesus. I was immediately intrigued because it was new Christmas music.

Second, it's was Christmas music!

So what's a girl to do? The only option was to immediately download the album.

And let me just tell you, it is SO much better than I could have even imagined. Jason Gray works his way through the events leading up to Christ's birth and the album itself is brilliant. Beyond that, the lyrics in his songs are amazing, like any of his other non-Christmas songs. For instance, on one of his other albums, he had a song called "I Will Find A Way." I can't remember if I have included it on this blog or not, but if not, I was meaning to. It seemed very "Christmasy" (yes that's a word-I made it up just now). And it is on this new album as well. It talks about a girl whose heart is so closed off that even if Jesus spoke words of love to her, all she would hear was condemnation. Sound familiar to anyone? It struck home with me and became one of my favorites, so I was thrilled to find it on this album. There is another line in the song that I just love.

"No hiding place ever kept her safe
So she hides inside herself
Now to reach her heart the only way
Is to hide in there as well
I will hide in there as well."

Ponder that for a moment. If you have ever been like me, the wanderer, or if you are currently in your own dark place, keeping secrets you hope no one ever learns, reread those words. We can try to hide all we want. We can shut out the world and we can build walls up around our hearts. We can keep everyone out.

Everyone but Jesus.

We think that we are keeping him out too.

But I learned the truth of those words above. Jesus just stepped right over my walls and hid in my heart with me! He didn't have to shatter my walls. He would let God do that, when the time was right. He was able to, and chose to, come to that very broken place where I tried to hide. And He hid WITH me!! Isn't that awesome?? Looking back, I find comfort that in my darkest hour, in my time of deepest need, Jesus was right there with me. Even when I couldn't see, hear, or feel Him. He was there. I love that and thank God every day for that.

But the song I really want to tell you about, that I really want you to wrestle with and listen to, and come to love is a song called "Forgiveness Is a Miracle (A Song For Joseph)." They play bits and pieces of the song in this video, while Jason Gray explains the thought behind this song. And I just love his heart and his words. Such a completely new spin on something we often don't think about.

Beyond that, if you read the words to this song, or listen to it, in its entirety, you will see much of my own story reflected. And maybe it's your story too. I know that some of you reading this have stories similar to mine and have shared those with me. So, I know that you can relate. For others, maybe your story is similar, and you have just been too scared to share it. That's OK. I know how hard it was for me. It wasn't until my sin and life of deceit was exposed, and my heart healed by the only One who has the power to do it, that I was able to write my story as it played itself out.

It is still playing itself out. And I am forever grateful for what God has done in my heart and in my marriage. The only full version of this song I could find is one where Jason Gray sings in a coffee house, but it's still a great version and you can check it out here (lyrics are listed below for those who really want to ponder them...):

Forgiveness Is A Miracle

Love can make a soul come alive

Love can draw a dream out of the darkness

Blow every door open wide

Love can leave you brokenhearted

Did she dare to look you in the eye?

Did her betrayal leave you raging?

Did you let her see you cry?

When she said the child was not your baby

Pain can turn to anger, then to vengeance

It happens time and again

Even in the best of men

It takes a miracle to save us

When love is like an open wound

There is no way to stop the bleeding

Did you lose sleep over what to do?

Between what's just and what brings healing

Pain can be a road to find compassion

When we don't understand

Bring a better end

It takes a miracle to show us

Forgiveness is the miracle

A miracle

And a miracle will change your world

Forgiveness is a miracle

An angel in a dream broke into your darkest night

So you trusted in the Lord

And you took her as your wife

Cause you carried in your heart what she was holding in her womb

And the forgiveness that you gave would be given back to you

Love was in a crowded barn

There you were beside her, kneeling

You held it in your arms

As the miracle started breathing

Forgiveness is the miracle

The miracle

And a miracle will save the world

Forgiveness is a miracle

A miracle

And a miracle will save the world

Forgiveness is a miracle

Blessed Joseph

Your heart has proven

Through you the kingdom has come

For God delights in a man of mercy

And has found an earthly father for His son

Halloween Horror

2012-10-30T22:44:00.000-05:00

I'm anxious tonight.

This is the first time I've felt fear or anxiety since Friday night. We did my DIA and I haven't had a chance to really write about it in depth yet. But this overwhelming sense of peace settled over me Friday night, and stayed.

And then today, the anxiety has crept back in.

It was little stabs, here and there, throughout the day. I was just working, so you'd think that I would have been just fine. But that's a whole other post entirely!

Then tonight I went to the grocery store.

And I was overwhelmed with this fear that I would see the OM (other man, as I have seen others refer to it). It wasn't likely that he would be at this store in particular. I avoid the ones by his house. But there was still a chance, and Satan whispered the lie into my head. Not the lie that I wouldn't see him. Because it was entirely possible to run into him.

The lie I heard was that "This fear is still a problem for you."

"You're not really free of the fear that I have used to keep my talons in your mind."

"My arrows will always leave you feeling weak, defeated, and afraid."

I recognized these for what they were. Tony talked at the DIA session Friday night about how "My sheep hear My voice." I am hearing God's voice more and more these days. So while the devil still whispers, and I still hear him, I HEAR God. I am His sheep. And I hear His voice, above all others. And I recognize the difference between the truth and the lies.

But that didn't stop the feelings (physical) of anxiety. The furtive glancing here and there at the store, hoping that I didn't see him. Even after I left the store, practically in tears, I still felt anxious. I feel anxious even now, sitting at home.

However, I think I have narrowed down the reasons for this particular fear/anxiety. After all, I will still feel fear. Just because we did a DIA around my fear and identified the root of my fear doesn't mean that I will never experience fear. But I am now more equipped to handle my fear and to keep it from holding me captive.

A year ago, on Halloween, I was not with my husband.

I was with the OM.

I have found myself thinking about this, and Satan is always whispering "You need to feel guilty. How could you have done that to your husband? You're ugly and horrible. You're nothing."

I heard these lies this evening.

Several times.

And so I used my alliance. The one I have with my husband. I sent him a text telling him what was on my mind, what I was wrestling with, why I thought it was impacting me so much today. There is freedom in that act alone. This alliance. Being bold enough to tell my husband something that could potentially cause him pain. Taking a risk, that what I have to say will hurt him. But knowing that the alternative, keeping it to myself, will allow the enemy room to work and lie and deceive.

It's interesting. Even tonight as we were talking about it--we were chatting because the kids are still awake and there are certain things we just can't talk about out loud--Kris was saying things like "Third and most important, that while I am not happy about where we were a year ago, it is exciting when you contrast where we are today. God is VERY good. And knowing how messed up we once were helps me appreciate all the more how great we are now."

And do you know what my eyes and heart got stuck on?

"I am not happy about where we were a year ago."

I know with everything in me that the enemy is at work here. So in the midst of struggling with this, I just shared it with Kris. When we identify the ways in which the enemy is deceiving us, we are equipped to fight off his arrows.

This alliance is so vitally important to our marriage. We would not have the healing we have had without it. It has been a key part of our restoration. Some people wonder how we can have grown as fast as we have. How our marriage could have healed so quickly. After all, other couples have taken YEARS of counseling, bitterness, anger, and a lot of grace just to get to the point Kris and I have managed to find ourselves at, not even 9 months after our "D Day."

I honestly believe this alliance is a HUGE part of it.

I also believe that God has shown us an incredible amount of grace.

That Kris and I both understand the nature of sexual sin, and have been able to see our sins against one another as virtually the same, for all intents and purposes. We could see how we each got to the places we did. We understood the temptations and more than anything, we wanted our marriage to work.

We chose to leave our lives of sin behind. Really, we chose to amputate them. From the source. Immediate and without hesitation. We saw it as our only option. And really, everything fell into place from there.

Sure, we've had our share of trials still, and as you can tell from this post. I battle the enemy's lies as well, on a regular basis. Some days are harder than others-like today. But that's what this blog and this amazing community of writers and readers help with.

And above all, God is good. So very good to me. To my husband. To my family. To anyone who is willing to let Him move and work in their lives. God loves us all so much more than we can even begin to imagine.

And tonight, that is what I am grateful for. A God who loves me. Who rescued me. Who saved my marriage. Who forgave me for living a life of deception for over seven years. Who healed my busted heart and gave me something worth living for. For thinking that I was someone worth dying for.

Read my mind!

2012-10-25T22:16:00.000-05:00

Do you ever just wish that your spouse could read your mind?

Do you wish they would just know what you want without having to tell them?

~~Me neither.~~

In all seriousness though, I am struggling with this.

I want Kris to just KNOW. I want him to magically have all the answers. I want him to guess what I want without having to speak it. I want him to be God, I guess...

And I get upset with Kris for NOT BEING GOD! For not having all the answers. For not doing exactly what I want, the way I want it, without me having to speak the words aloud.

Does anyone else go through this?

At least now, instead of getting angry with him, shooting daggers at him with my eyes or words, or worse still turning to another man, I go to the only one who can meet my needs. The only one who can know what I am thinking, without me having to say anything. God does that. He IS. Jesus said "I am." And that should be enough.

No. I don't always get it right. I'm still getting it wrong more often than not. But at the heart of this is instead of thinking "I hate you!" I now hear God saying, "Jamie, he can't. You have to let me be enough. You have to let go of your anger/frustration/hurt and trust me."

(And sometimes, every now and then, I have to believe that since I am made in God's image, that God sometimes thinks "Yes, Jamie, I know he's acting like an idiot right now, but that isn't where your focus is supposed to be." God has to have a sense of humor and understand a bit of sarcasm doesn't he? I mean...it's a gift he's given me and if I am made in his image...just sayin'...)

I still struggle to express myself kindly to Kris when I am frustrated that he can't read my mind, but I am learning to turn to God instead. Or rather, FIRST. Before anything else, I find myself having conversations with God. Prayer has become something I turn to now. Maybe not in the way some people do. It isn't this thing where I kneel down at the foot of my bed and have long, drawn out conversations with God. Instead of putting pressure on myself to pray a certain way, I have learned that it is OK to just have these little conversations with God. To say "Hey God...I'm really struggling with this right now. Please help me."

This reminds me of something...hmm...where is it...

In the Bible!

"To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: 'Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: "God, I thank you that I am not like other people--robbers, evildoers, adulterers--or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get." But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, "God have mercy on me, a sinner." I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.'" --Luke 18:9-14

I find myself like the tax collector. I used to think that the way I was supposed to pray had to be this eloquent, LONG, thing. I put so much pressure on myself to get it right, that instead, I found that I didn't want to pray. I didn't want to feel like I was just saying meaningless words, just because I was supposed to.

I've found this intimacy with God that I've never known before, and I am still wondering at. I'm basking in it. There is something so much more powerful in those words "God have mercy on me, a sinner." And that is the kind of prayer I pray now. I no longer feel pressured to pray this way or that.

It's just me and God.

And I can tell him anything.

Or I can say absolutely nothing, and he still knows. Because he can do what I've learned in 13 years my husband cannot:

Read my mind!

Psalm 32

2012-10-23T08:41:00.000-05:00

Kris came across this Psalm a couple of weeks ago and he immediately called me and told me that I needed to read it. Once I read it, I could see why he suggested it. He kept saying "This is SO us!" And he's right. I've come to love this Psalm like no other. It is the story of our marriage, in a Psalm. We also really love the wording from the New Living Translation. The parts that are in bold are phrases that really seemed to scream "Fingerprints of God" and really struck home with me and Kris.

"Oh what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight!
Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long.
Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

Finally I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, 'I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.'
And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.

Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time, that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.
For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory. [JoyFm anyone?]

The Lord says, 'I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you.
Do not be like a senseless horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.'

Many sorrows come to the wicked, but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord.
So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey him!
Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!"

Wow.

Thank you, once again, God for all you have done in my life, my heart, and my marriage!

Words are not enough, but...

Thank you!!

Chaos

2012-10-19T22:24:00.000-05:00

Chaos.

It's all around me.

It's inside of me.

It comes out in the form of anger/edginess/sarcasm...

And my husband is usually the one who bears the brunt of it.

Tonight was one of those nights. The frustration and hurt came on without warning. I asked Kris to do something, while I was on my way home from work.

And he hesitated before responding.

And in that moment of hesitation, I did what I always do, and I misinterpreted his intentions. He was distracted by the kids and a movie and who knows what else, and I took his hesitation personally. I believed that he definitely did NOT want to do what I asked him to do, and so my feelings were hurt.

As soon as he said "There is just a lot going on right now" I became defensive.

I said very curtly, "Fine. I'll talk to you later. Bye." And hung up the phone.

And Kris had the nerve not to call me back. Not to send me a text or chat. NOTHING. He was ignoring me!!

See how this all gets worse and worse?

And I knew it was happening. I knew that I was being irrational and that my need to feel reassured by him was one that I wasn't going to get. Not from him anyway. So I started praying. I asked God to help me. To change my heart. To change my attitude. I asked Him to help me, when I got home, to react the right way. And not the way I so often do.

Yet, even as I was driving, listening to music and praying, the distractions were there. I passed a certain exit on the interstate that usually trips me up. It holds a lot of memories, and lately on that drive to and from work, I have been able to drive past it without even seeing it. I've had victory in this area, and while it may not seem like much to you, it is to me. So, in the midst of trying to do the right thing, I was inclined to look up. And there it was. That exit. The one that always reminds me of my past.

In my head, I said "Screw you Satan."

Then I went back to focusing on praying. That is when the memories tried attacking. Not memories so much as just thoughts about that old life. Nothing nostalgic. Just thoughts. And I was frustrated. Because that isn't what I wanted. I wanted to stay focused on God.

He gave me a reprieve then. In the form of the song by Casting Crowns called "If We've Ever Needed You." So of course, the chorus had me in tears and I was crying out to God, desperate to feel His hand. I continued praying, but kept feeling a pull towards the distractions.

When I got home, Satan whispered lies into my head. I HATE the lights being turned out while we watch movies. The kids and Kris love it. I also happen to hate when the front door is wide open at night. These are some of my irrational fears, by the way. So guess what I found when I pulled into my driveway?

It was dark outside.

All of the lights were out.

And the front door was wide open!

But Satan doesn't just stop there with the whispers. With the lies. I can't just feel fearful, can I?

No.

This is the thought that enters my mind:

"They're all inside. And they are dead. They've been murdered."

No joke.

And I immediately recognized the enemy lying to me, trying to hold me captive to my fear. I stayed in my van for almost 10 minutes, just listening to the radio and trying to pray. Trying to change my attitude because I could still feel the tension towards Kris and I really didn't want to come home and start the weekend by being a raving lunatic.

So, what happened?

I came home and began acting, not like a raving lunatic, but just a normal lunatic. I was actually half in control of myself, but I couldn't stop the tension from building and coming out of my mouth. Kris was trying to hug me, not even realizing I had hung up on him earlier. He thought we were good. He quickly found out this was not the case. I kept shrugging him off, making it clear that I did NOT want to be touched.

But there was some progress eventually. I was standing in the kitchen crying, and this time when Kris tried to put his arms around me, I let him. And I laid my head against his chest, allowing myself to give up the frustration and tension, and and let him hold me (highly unusual). And he asked me, eventually, if I was OK. I did the usual and shrugged "I don't know," which essentially means "Not really, but I will be and we're good."

Then I got on Facebook, per the nightly ritual, and found a post by Jennifer at The Unveiled Wife. The caption to her post caught my eye and I just really wanted to share it with my husband. Kristopher, I love you and I'm sorry.

"Surely, the Lord gave you to me so that I could feel anchored in all this chaos."

Thank you for being my anchor, Love.

Fear

2012-10-15T22:32:00.000-05:00

Fear dominates my life.

It isn't always in the forefront. Sometimes it is hidden by distractions. But it is always there. I can't escape it. Sometimes it consumes me. I'll wake in the middle of the night, either from a nightmare or sleep paralysis, having just felt like someone was standing in my house. Someone that shouldn't be in there. And then I have to wake my husband up, have him pray with me, and then have him go through the house to make sure everything is still locked up and the children are safely still in their beds...all the time, I'm praying that he doesn't get killed.

I know it's irrational. Much of what I fear is unrealistic. Some of it is possible. Kris dying. One of the kids dying. These are all things that COULD happen. But, apparently, I'm not supposed to think about these things with the frequency that I do.

And then there's the whole "I'm-going-to-get-raped-and-killed" thing.

The thing that makes me check and double check to make sure the doors are locked, after Kris has locked them. And then asking him if he locked the doors. Both of them. I always have to clarify. Even though the majority of the time, the back door is locked, I still ask. Because if I don't, it will consume me.

Some nights, I can't fall asleep because fear grips me and leaves me unable to breathe. I pray and sing songs in my head, trying to focus on that, instead of the fear.

I don't sleep well at night. Maybe this fear has something to do with it?

We discovered through counseling that fear is a stronghold that Satan has in my life. It is something I need to be freed from. Just like sexual sin did, fear holds me captive. I do things all the time, things that most people don't do, that aren't normal. Because of this fear. I check the back of my van to make sure no one is there, before I drive it at night. If Kris is late getting home, my immediate thought is that he is dead on the side of the road. Whenever I see my parents' caller I.D., I fear that something terrible has happened to one of them or another family member.

I don't try to think this way. I've just had 25-28 years to condition my mind and give Satan that power over me. We finally discovered what it may be stemming from. I think there are a couple of things, but we uncovered something in our session last week.

Which led Tony to finally put the D.I.A. on the calendar.

What is a D.I.A. you ask?

It's a little something Tony calls "do it again." I had to draw a blueprint of the house I grew up in (an activity I was not thrilled about), and include the rooms and things that happened or were said. I was very thorough and the emotion that screamed out from the page was FEAR. I didn't even realize what a big hold it had on me until I did this activity.

So when Tony tells me that I need to do a D.I.A. around this blueprint and these things that happened, I'm like "Uh...NO!" Why? Because I'M AFRAID!! I don't want to go back. I don't want to confront the things that led to all this fear that has held me captive for so long.

And yet, I know that I NEED to. I NEED to face this fear, take it captive, and surrender it to God. I need to take Jesus to my past, to take Jesus to where my fears originated and let him take them from me.

So why am I writing all of this? What does this have to do with marriage?

Nothing. Though I have to believe that if I am finally free from my fear, it will only help my marriage.

But that isn't the focus right now. It's just on my mind.

Because this D.I.A. is happening Friday night. Tony challenged us to prepare for this. He asked about having a group of people get together with us. To pray over me. To help me finally be delivered from these fears that control my life. He told us to consider fasting. So we decided that we would fast from T.V. instead of food. That, in the evenings when we would normally watch our shows, we would focus on preparing for this ~~exorcism~~ "intervention." I suggested we look up verses that talk about fear. Do you have any suggestions? The two that always come to my mind are "Perfect love drives out fear." and "What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee." I learned that one as a kid, King James Version and all! I don't even know the appropriate book, chapter, and verse off hand.

What verses do you think of when you think about fear, or not being afraid? Please be in prayer for me throughout the week, and Friday night as we try to deal with this and allow God to break the bondage that this fear holds in my life.

Love is not a fight

2012-10-13T09:19:00.002-05:00

So many of my friends are experiencing "issues" in their marriages. It breaks my heart. You know that song "Jesus, Friend of Sinners"? There is a line in there that says "break my heart for what breaks yours." And broken marriages are breaking my heart. I think they break Jesus' heart too.

I know that every situation is different. I know that every marriage can't survive what Kris and I have survived (or worse) and that there are always other factors that will make it difficult to STAY married. Getting out seems like such an easy answer. I never thought I would want to get out of my marriage. Until 8 months ago. 8 months ago, I seriously thought "Can I do this alone, or should I try one more time to fix what is broken?"

And really, I don't think it is the failing/suffering marriages that break my heart so much as the people hurting and broken in those marriages. Marriages where not all are believers. Marriages where there is abuse in one form or another. Marriages where there is no spark, no connection. Marriages filled with addictions. Marriages filled with lies and adultery (I know mine wasn't the only one...). So, I know it's easy to say

"STAY MARRIED."

"Fight for what you started."

"Start over. With the same person."

It's so easy to say that. But not every marriage can be so easily fixed. It's not always that simple.

I think that in so many ways God poured out a tremendous amount of grace and mercy on Kris and I, and gave us the ability to reconcile and begin to rebuild our crumbling marriage quickly. We both decided we wanted to fight. We chose to embrace this:

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
And then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for.

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for.

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing of us
But demand we give our all

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for.

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for.

My heart hurts for my friends, and for all those I have read about recently who are experiencing tremendous pain in their marriages. Men or women whose spouses are living with "the other man" or "the other woman" instead of coming home to them and their children. I've read about those who have been holding on for years, praying for their spouses to come home. Praying for God to shine a light in the darkness and open their eyes.

My heart hurts for those who want so desperately to make their marriages work but have partners who don't want to try, or those who just feel like it just isn't working anymore.

Staying together.

Getting divorced.

Neither option is easy.

I've seen my friends around me, getting divorced, and it is never as simple as they thought it would be. It's ugly. It's painful. It's not easy. They *might* end up happier in the end. Their kids *might* be better off than they would be left in a harmful environment. So I am not judging anyone who is divorced, getting divorced, or thinking about getting divorced. I'm just observing that my friends who have already gone through that have told me how incredibly hard and painful it is on EVERYONE.

I have seen firsthand in my own marriage how hard it is to stay when all you want to do is run. To try to work it out. For 12 years Kris and I tried to "work it out". Unbeknownst to us, we just weren't doing the right work. We were trying to do it our way. Kris was trying to do what he thought would work. I was trying to do what I thought would work. And then, eventually, we quit trying altogether. We just began to coexist, which also is a very unstable environment to put your kids in.

So when I left 8 months ago to "think", to get some perspective on my life and what I wanted for myself and for my children, I realized that something had to change. What we were doing, Kris and I, this horrible cycle of hurt and pain we were causing one another, was damaging our children. Staying together "for the kids" isn't always what will provide stability and protection for your children. At the same time, any separation or divorce will affect your children in profound ways. While ultimately they may reach that place of stability and safety, it'll take a lot of work to get them there, and in some cases, counseling. Kids just can't understand the horrors of adulthood and the tough decisions we have to make.

And while Kris was always the one to commit to working it out, I was at a place where I seriously considered whether it would be better for the kids and for me if we got out of the vicious, unhealthy cycle we had been living in for over a decade.

Ultimately, God didn't let me make that decision.

Well, He did.

We always have a choice.

But He orchestrated things in such a way that when I was ready to say "OK. I'm going to try to go it alone.", something happened in Kris' heart. Something changed, and he began to woo me. It is amazing to me how little he had to say and do to pull my heart back to him. But for the first time in our married life, he started expressing his heart to me. He was being open and vulnerable and showing me his heart for me and for our marriage. And God was softening my heart as well, or I never would have been receptive to Kris' emails in the beginning. I wouldn't have seen them for what they were. And I am so thankful that God brought Kris and I both to that place at the same time. That place where we decided, not as a united front but individually, that we would fight for our marriage.

That love was worth fighting for.

Second Chances

2012-10-12T08:04:00.000-05:00

There is a line towards the end of the movie "What Women Want" that says this:

"It's never too late to do the right thing."

Do you believe this?

I know now that there is an entire world of marriage bloggers out there that understand this truth. Because they have all been there. They have made mistakes. They understand what it is like to screw up. They've had broken marriages. Broken lives.

And we all share something in common.

We are all surviving the aftermath of broken marriages, and have come out on the other side. Stronger people. Our faith in God restored. Our marriages healed and made even better than we ever thought would be possible.

We all experienced SECOND CHANCES.

We decided that we would embrace this truth that it is NEVER too late to do the right thing.

And I think they would all agree with me it was the best thing they ever did.

Here are a few more songs that were really significant to Kris and I when I first came home:

This one is like our "theme song" (aside from Jason Mraz "I Wont Give Up" and Christina Perri "A Thousand Years." It really signifies a truth that we intend to live out!

Come Home? Yeah, by now you can see the significance of this one!

This one is by my favorite singer of all-the lead singer of Switchfoot. I discovered these albums after I came home, or right before, and we just loved this song.

I have a few more but I'll save those for tomorrow! Have a great day friends! Blessings on your and yours!!

While I'm Waiting

2012-10-11T08:19:00.002-05:00

Unlike, Courageous (which I'm not saying wasn't a good movie), the movie Fireproof was very powerful for Kris and I. Obviously, if you have seen it, you know that it addresses the topic of pornography. A topic that practically ruined our marriage. Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming Kris or saying that my affair was a direct result of his addiction. I'm just saying that had another man not come along, something else would have pushed me to say "I've had enough. I'm done putting up with this."

But that is beside the point.

The point is, Kris and I watched the movie Fireproof shortly after it was released. I can remember crying while watching it, feeling so depressed. I could relate to the wife in this movie. She was longing for her husband to quit looking at images on a computer screen and pay attention to her. She was longing to feel loved. She was longing to feel desired. She was longing to feel like she was enough for her husband. Have you ever been there?

I have.

It's a sad and lonely place to be.

And the movie shows her connecting with a man she worked with. She didn't have an affair with him. Not really. But you could see her attaching herself emotionally to this other man. A man who made her feel good about herself. A man who listened to her. A man who made her feel valuable. She had not turned to God for these things. She did what we all so often do. She turned to whatever it was that could give her that feeling of belonging. She had forgotten her first love. Jesus.

And when we forget Jesus, we leave ourselves vulnerable to the enemy's attacks and susceptible to all kinds of evil.

Sometime during the first week I came home in February, we bought the movie Fireproof. I wanted to watch it again with Kris. With a new set of eyes. Eyes that for him, were clear of the pornography. And for me, eyes that were focused solely on him.

What a different experience that was for both of us! We both cried during this movie. Rejoicing mostly, over what God had brought us through. Granted, I wasn't giving God so much of the praise, but I recognized that there was hope for our marriage and I knew that Kris was a different person. I knew that his mind had been purified and he was no longer distracted by other images. It was just me and him. In a new light, this movie was even better than the first time we saw it.

We lay in bed talking, while the credits rolled. Song after song had us stopping and looking up videos on YouTube. We found so many songs that night. Songs that really spoke to where we were. For the remainder of this blogging half-marathon I will be sharing some of those songs here. The first two are ones that really hit me hard that night.

The first is Slow Fade by Casting Crowns. I have referenced this song before. It is just so dead on. It IS a slow fade. People never crumble in a day. Families never crumble in a day. Daddies never crumble in a day. It took us 12 1/2 years to crumble so much that the pieces were too numerous to count. This video in particular is powerful on it's own. Some of you will be able to relate to it. As the person flirting with an affair, or the person on the other side. Or perhaps, the children...

This next song is one that I had never heard until that night we watched Fireproof for the second time. And we found a version with scenes from the movie (the first video) and the song itself with quotes from the movie Fireproof in it (that is the second video-in case you haven't seen the movie, or you want to watch both versions). What I love about this song is that, at the time, I felt like Kris was the one waiting. I can remember thinking about his devotion to me, and to God, and feeling astounded and overwhelmed. I hadn't given my heart fully back to God. In fact, I was holding it as far from Him as I could. And I really just feel like this song spoke to where Kris was at. To what he was committed to. To stay faithful, while he was waiting.

And I just want to encourage those of you who are waiting for a spouse to come home, keep trusting God. Keep praying for your spouse's soul. Because it isn't about praying for the affair to end, if there is an affair involved. It's about praying for your spouse's soul. That is what should be the most important thing to you. It is only through God breaking through to their heart that they will surrender to Him, and ultimately come home to you. I have read countless stories of people who have been in this same position, even after their spouse has "moved on." So if you find yourself there, don't give up hope. Never give up hope. Never stop praying for their heart. Pray that the darkness will be exposed and that Jesus' light will shine through. But more than anything, pray that they will fully surrender their heart and life to Christ. Because until they do, they won't see the truth. All they will be able to see are the lies.

I know.

Because for too many years, I was so blind.

SO BLIND.

What I thought was the truth was nothing more than lie after lie after lie. It is amazing to me, looking back, how something I thought was so right, so good, so true was nothing but a powerful web of lies, disguised as truth. And if someone had told me the truth, the REAL truth, I would not have believed. Because until Christ came in and showed me the very real power of the Cross, until my very own road to Damascus experience, I couldn't see it.

Thank God for opening my eyes!

Sexy!

2012-10-10T07:07:00.000-05:00

Around my house, my children have a problem with the word "sexy." It has "sex" in it, and that is "so gross!" So, if they occasionally hear Kris tell me that I look sexy (which I love when he does!) they freak out and think it is appalling. They'll learn...some day...

All of that to say that I just really want to talk about how attracted to my husband I am. Sure, he's handsome. I love his balding/shaved head and his calves. And his face, when he remembers to shave it for me. And so many other things, physical attributes.

But tonight, I discovered something else that attracted me to my husband.

I started a new job, working odd hours - 10AM-7PM. That means that Kris has to go to work super early, work all day, then get home in time to get the kids from the bus/be home when they get home. His first day was yesterday. In addition to working, then rushing to get home in time (being time oriented is not his specialty-but he is a great relational man!), he has to manage homework and chores and...DINNER. The kids were a little worried on this point, because Mom is the cook. And Mom cooks delicious food! But he CAN cook. Frozen stuff, mac 'n cheese, spaghetti or taco meat. He has mastered those and so the children really shouldn't worry.

But here is what got me.

As I drove home from work, I was desperate to talk to him. I wanted to know how his day went, worried that all of this responsibility on his shoulders would wear him down. So I wanted to gauge how he was feeling about everything.

This man has a freaking spreadsheet, outlining the chores for each kid, for each day. It has a section for computer time that they can earn, and when the week is up, they can convert any unused minutes into cash, and he had a tab for that too. He also had a tab that showed how much money each child had earned. With four kids, this can get a bit confusing. But he even has time frames etched out and a schedule.

Do you know how I parent between 3:30 and 6:00PM? I don't. There is usually just a lot of yelling (on my part), and when they ask me if they can do stuff (I do manage to keep them tasked on homework), I'm just like "whatever..." When they ask for a snack, or sometimes dinner, my response is "Eat whatever you can get for yourself. Cereal, toast, sandwich, etc..."

I don't cope well with the time the bus drops the kids off and the time Kris gets home. So, for me, this new schedule, while taking up ALL of my time (it seems) will be good for me to learn to be self-controlled when I am home with the kids.

And I say all of this to get to the point that I realized something as I listened to Kris described how the evening went and how they handled everything, and how he plans to manage each day. He's such a smart man. It's one of the things I love about him.

But just listening to him talking about his "Mr. Mom" plan of attack, I found myself incredibly attracted to this side of him. I kept telling him that I find it extremely sexy. And I can't really explain it, but man that guy is SO sexy when he takes charge and leads in this way.

I love that man!

The significance of the song below is that I heard it the night I was driving home to choose my family over a life of sin. And I realized how the lyrics just completely felt right. I really DID love my husband, which was something I had questioned for years. And not only did I love him, I loved him so much more than I ever thought and as the song played, I realized that my love for him would never die.

This one is for you Babe! For a thousand years...