Loving You Out Loud

Saying Goodbye to His Hair

2012-02-09T22:49:00.000-06:00

Today was the day Jared was dreading. He was laying on the couch and we were watching TV and out of not where said "Well it is beginning." I looked at him and asked what he meant and he handed me a clump of his hair. I knew what this meant and my heart dropped for him. He was not looking forward to shaving his head, but the time had come. I called my father to ask if I could borrow his trimmers and then headed out the door to retrieve them. I knew this would give Jared a little time to prepare for what he has been dreading since he started chemo.

The nurse in the hospital said it would take 10 to 14 days before it started to fall out and when his hair started to fall out it would be best to shave it or it would fall out in clumps and look patchy. It is day 15 and sure enough his hair has started falling out. As I drove to my dad's I knew Jared was at home dreading the thought of shaving his head. It is easy for me to say it is just hair it will grow back, but I know if I was in his shoes I would be struggling with it too. I know this is just another difficult side effect he has to embrace in order to fight the cancer, but my eyes teared up for him. I am driving trying to keep it together and Martina McBride's song I'm going to love you through it came on the radio. I started crying and had to sit in my parents drive way and cry it all out. I was a blubbering mess it was not a sight to see. I pulled myself together and ended my cry session. I went in my parents' house got the clippers and headed back home.

I got home got an old sheet out and laid it out on the kitchen floor. I got everything ready and set up then went and got Jared. I asked him if he was ready, I know it was a stupid question on my part, and he of course responded "No!" He smiled at me and came up stairs dreading the hair cut. I took some pictures of him with his long hair and the kids that way we could have a before and after picture. It is a piece of his journey and something he can one day look back at and remind him of how far he has come. I got the shaver guard put on and buzz the first strip off his hair. I watched it fall to the floor. Jaxon and Kayla sat at the kitchen table and watched as I shaved Jared's head. Jaxon laughed and thought it was funny and kept yelling "Papa" as I cut more and more hair off. A cloud of black hair consumed the sheet on the floor. Kayla watched and asked questions and had kind of a shocked look on her face. It took me about thirty minutes until it was all shaved and all the hair was all over sheet, Jared, and me. I thought it looked pretty darn good for my first hair cut. I think he looks handsome but he says it is going to take some getting used to.

Kayla spent the night rubbing her Daddy's head telling him that he was cute and his head was nice and soft. Jaxon went on about his normal routines getting into everything as usual and having melt downs due to deciding to not take a nap today. I have spent the night cooking, cleaning, bathing the kids and so on but from time to time I looked at my husband and stood in amazement. I am amazed at his strength and his courage as he fights the cancer. It has been difficult doing chemo and he tries daily not to show how hard it is on him. He has his good days and his bad day, but every day I see him push on. I look at him and I see the man I fell in love with so many years ago. I look at him and think back to where we started, what we have been through and know in my heart no matter what comes our way we will face it side by side. I am beyond blessed to have Jared as my best friend and husband. Yes, I am bragging a little, but he has earned some bragging rights. Jared has been a trooper through this all!

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁹ And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Chaotic Night......

2012-02-09T12:40:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I had a bit a normal thanks to my kids being their normal cute self's and then last night Cancer effects showed its ugly head. Jared went to the doctor yesterday and his platelets were drastically low that they debated if they should even give Jared chemo treatment. Your white platelet counts should be between 4 to 8 million Jared's count was 800,000. He is under house arrest till Monday because his counts are so low he can pick up any germs and it is best if he stays away from the public. They decided to go ahead with his treatments and did give him around of chemo. He came home and crashed on the couch and when he woke up around three it started all going down hill.
Jared spiked a fever, had chills and was shaking so bad on top of vomiting. It was scary last night. We thought we were going to have to take him back to the hospital. The nurse told Jared yesterday at the doctors office if he had any fever to call because they may have to send him in to the hospital for a white blood cell transfusion. It was scary for me last night not to mention while trying to care for Jared I was also trying to get the kids fed and make arrangements for someone to take Kayla to dance and come sit with Jaxon if I had to take Jared in to the hospital. We finally got a hold of the on call doctor who called in a prescription that helped bring Jared's fever down but it was a long night of phone tag with the doctor and of unknown on what to do.The medication finally took affect and we ended up getting to stay at home.
Last night was a little chaotic and my stress level was up. I was fearful last night because he was so weak I had to help every where he went because I was afraid he would fall because he was shaking so bad.You know you love someone when you will help them stand up and hold on to them when they are throwing up and help them go to the bathroom just to keep them safe. I appeared strong and calm on the outside last night for the kids and Jared to try to keep them from flipping out but inside I was flipping out. I am glad his fever is down today and the the only effects are exhaustion and nose bleeds. We are still waiting to hear back from Jared's doctor to make sure he is aware of what happened last night and clear up some confusion on how we are suppose to handle this if it happens again due to conflicting information we were given with the doctor on call last night and Jared's regular oncologist.

A little piece of Normal

2012-02-08T11:41:00.000-06:00

Jaxon is cracking me up today. He has his sisters little tea cup set and inside the tea pot some play food is stuck. He runs over to me yelling "Mama!" he handed me the pink tea pot and I look inside I see a play cucumber and pop bottle. I got them out and he had the cucumber in one hand the pop bottle in the other and was trying to figure out how to pick up the tea pot too. I could tell he was working it all out in his brain by the way he looks and lifts his eye brows. He put the pop bottle in him mouth which freed up his hand and off he went with all three things. I could not help but laugh and think way to problem solve Bubba.
Jaxon has discovered pop due to being with my mom while Jared was in the hospital and even calls it by name it is too funny. I guess mom let him has a drink out of her cup and the taste of coke was so good Jaxon now asks for it by name. I had to laugh because both my kids love pop.
Since I am on a roll of funny things my kids has said or done last week I was picking up Jaxon from my mom's house. My mom kept Jaxon while I ran Kayla to dance because Jared was sick as a dog and Jaxon is to all over the place and into everything to take with us to dance. I guess mom went to change clothing and Jaxon was playing in the floor with his cars. Mom walked into her room to grab a shirt and when she came back Jaxon was no longer sitting on the floor. Mom looked around for him and there he was sitting at the table with her Route 44 cup from sonic just drinking away. That was the same night we picked Jaxon up and shocked Kayla while holding a balloon his dad received as a gift. Kayla said "Jaxon shocked me with that Damn balloon!" I looked at her and said what did you just say. She burst into tears and said " Your going to be mad at me!"
My children are forever cracking me up and to be honest it has been nice to laugh with all the stress of Jared being sick. When we have normal nights of laughter and fun and Jared feeling well we count those days as blessings. We seem to have more challenging days we face with battling Jared's cancer so when my kids do something to make me laugh I am thankful for the moments of normal returning.

Through My Husbands Eyes

2012-02-07T12:04:00.000-06:00

Since we found out that Jared had cancer you have got to see my point of view of the wife walking beside her husband as we face the dreaded word Cancer. My voice has been heard through out this experience but I wanted my husband to have his voice heard. I went to Jared and asked him to write for me so people could hear his point of view as he faces this battle, he was hesitant and didn't know where to even begin. I wrote him a list of questions to help him get started. I was so touched when he handed me the answers to the question and his voice was heard through out the page. It is his voice, his thoughts, his struggles as he faces cancer and tries to balance being a husband and father. Here is a look at cancer through my husbands Jared's eyes as he has had to face this head on. He is an amazing man and his strength and courage has moved me and I hope it moves you too.

How did you feel when you heard the word cancer come out of the doctors mouth?

Complete shock..... I am only 28, and I am very healthy, how do I have cancer? I don't smoke or drink, why did I get cancer? How am I going to provide for my family now? This can't be happening to me. Not now. I have too much to do and take care of to be sick. I have too much going for me to have my life torn apart. I am not looking forward to dying anytime soon, so let's get this taken care of as soon as possible.

What were some of your fears with having cancer?

My main fear is that I will not be able to live my life to the absolute fullest. I will be hampered by regimens of medications and treatments. I will not be able to do the things I enjoy, like bowling or softball. I will have to pace myself when I play with my children, and will have to rest and take breaks when they want to keep running. I will have to explain to my small children why Daddy is sick and losing hair and can't do everything he told them he could. I cannot be as strong as I should be and will not be able to live up to my own expectations, and I will not be able to the best husband and father as I should be.

What are some of the effects from chemo that you deal with daily?

I wake up every morning feeling like someone kicked me in the stomach. I can only eat little bits at a time, on a good day. I have to take rest breaks just after walking up and down the stairs. I get light headed and winded easily. I am fully expecting to lose hair, however I am not at all looking forward to it. I have to constantly guard myself from any sneeze or cough because my immune system is so depleted. My platelets are way down so any bleeding can go on for extended periods of time. All in all, it is quite a mess.

What do you hope you and your family learn from this journey in battling cancer?

God is in control, even when we do not understand why things are happening. His plan surpasses our own, and He will see us though any hardships if we only have faith and believe. As a family, we need to stay strong together and keep our relationship as strong as possible. We need to be able to be open to each other about anything. Put the petty things aside and band together and help each other through hard times. There are things in life that are more important than petty differences, and family is supposed to be always there. Stay strong and persevere, and have faith that God will see you though and guide you to safety, just like He says He always will. No matter what.

Not Going to let Moments pass me by......

2012-02-06T23:03:00.000-06:00

My husband is someone I treasure so dearly and love with all my heart. I have always said since the day we met that I honestly believe that God designed Jared to be the one to fit me. I knew he would be the one I would marry at the young age of sixteen. Our love has had to grow as we both grew up. We have had our share of hard times, but one thing that have never changed is how much I love that man.

There is something about Jared that when he walks into a room my heart races. Jared is the one I celebrate with when I have good news and the one I fall apart on when my world seems to be all shaken. Jared knows how to melt my heart with the touch of his hand and he also knows how to push my buttons to get a rise out of me.He knows me and how I tick, my flaws and yet his love for me continues daily.

As many of you know Jared was diagnosed with Cancer a few weeks and to be honest my world was shaken. When the doctors told us it was cancer and they didn't know how bad it was, that is when I looked at Jared and for a brief moment my heart ached with knowing that this could possibly be really bad.The thought of possibly loosing Jared shook me. Jared has been my best friend for 12 years and my husband eight years. He brings out the best in me and the thought of losing made my world seem to spin out of control. I took his hand in the doctors office and to be honest I didn't want to let it go. All I want to do is hold on tight to him and our children. Even though we found out his cancer is curable, my perspective that we only have today and we are not promised tomorrow. That has been on my mind a lot these days and I think I try even harder to not waste a second with those that I love because of all this. I try not let a moment go by when I don't kiss my husband or utter the words I love you to him or our children. I find myself telling my family how much I love them because I don't want my family to not know their worth to me. People assume that their loved ones know but how do they know if you don't tell them. I hope that from all this I have learned to not let moments pass me by to tell those who are of great worth their importance to me.

The past few weeks shook me a little, but they did not break me. My relationship is stronger as Jared and I cling to each other and God as we fight his cancer. My faith is stronger because God has shown me he is here and he is in control. My relationships are stronger and I am amazed and to be honest blown away by the love and support of those around us. We are blessed with wonderful friends and family who have surrounded us with kind words,cards,dinners, prayers, and love. We have stood in owe at the love and support of everyone and feel so blessed. Thank you!

To My Family.....

Jared-

I love you with all my heart and have for several years. We have faced so much together and to be honest some of my favorite memories I have you were right there by my side. I am so glad you took the chance so many years ago and asked me out. Our love is something I treasure and see as a blessing. You are compassionate,loving, silly, funny, and at times a pain in my side but to be honest I would not have it any other way. I feel blessed that you choose me and I love how my heart beats fast and skips a beat only for you. I am blessed and honored to be your wife and I am so proud of you. I will love you forever and A day!

Kayla-

My first born who I see so much of me in. I love your sweet spirit. You have such a tender heart and amaze me everyday. You are smart and outgoing. I love how you can hold your own but you also have no problem with crawling up into my lap for love. I am so proud of you and love that I get to be your mom. I love you and I am will always be here cheering you on wishing nothing but the best for you.

Jaxon-

My sweet little man. You have kept me on my toes since the day I found out about you. You are silly and forever making me laugh. I love how sweet and loving you are. You remind me of your father in so many ways. I hope you learn from him because is someone I admire and adore. Jaxon I love you and like I said to your sister you can count on me cheering you on and wishing nothing but the best for you. You and you sister make me proud to have the title mom.

Mom-

I love how close we are and treasure the relationship we have. You are the person besides Jared that I tell everything to. I can be real with you and you are always real with me. I value your options and treasure hanging out with you. I was blessed to have such a wonderful role model and my kids are so blessed to have such a loving grandmother. I love knowing you love me unconditional and that have always been there.I know how much you sacrificed and I am grateful that you loved me that much. I love you and I am so blessed that you are not only my mom but my friend!

Dad-

I love you and look up to you so much. I have always had this deep respect for you and your option has always mattered. You have always been someone who has led by example and someone I hold dear to my heart. I treasure all the values you taught me growing up and that no matter where I am at in life you are always there.You are an amazing father and grandfather and I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life that I look up too. I love you!

Cheri-

You are a wonderful mother in law. You are supportive and you welcomed me into your family with loving arms. I love how you make me feel welcome and I can talk to you about anything and how you are always there for us. You love my kids and my kids are so blessed to have you as their grandmother. I love being apart of your family and I am so grateful for the man your raised who I love with all my heart. I love you and I am so blessed to have such a wonderful supportive mother in law.

Terri-

You are like the sister I never had. We may not have the same biological parents but you are my sister. You have always been there for every event in my life and I am so grateful that I have you. My childhood memories you are right there by my side even when we were miles apart.Today it still rains true we may live 500 miles apart but you are always just a phone call away. I love how you always have my back and I always have yours. I love you!

Jaxon Video

2012-02-06T21:22:00.001-06:00

Jaxon being his cute self! I love that he is picking up words! It is so fun to watch him learning and growing! He is getting to be such a big boy! I love how he says "Abby" from Elmo's world he loves that little pink puppet just like his sister. It cracks me up at how my both my kids love Sesame Street.

Dear Kay and Jax

2012-02-03T14:54:00.001-06:00

Dear Kayla and Jaxon

I know the last few weeks have been crazy and at times it feels like our world is spinning out of control. I never thought I would have to explain what Cancer is to my four year old and one year old. It was hard to tell you that Dad was sick and what would come with trying to beat cancer. Kayla you of course had a million questions and your commpassionate heart showed during our conversation. You were worried about your dad being sick and scared for him as he would face the challenges with cancer.

It has been an adjustment on you guys as you watch your father struggle some mornings to just get out of bed. I know you both can see the pressure mom has on trying manage you guys, your dad on top of working. I see the concern in your eyes and my heart aches for you guys as you two try to piece this all together. I know you two are searching for understanding and trying to find stable ground and your dad and I are trying to provide as much of normal back to your lives as we can.

You guys have got to witness the tremedous amount of love and support and how blessed with are with wonderful people who have been there during this tough time, The love the surrounds us and the encouragement and prayers have been such a blessing to our family. I think you two have got to witness the true love of being surrounded with a wonderful family/friend support system. God has blessed our family in so many ways.

I know it is hard to understand this all right now but it is important for me to have you understand that God has our family. He has us in the good times and he has us in the bad times. Sometimes when we face storms we feel like he is not there but that could not be further from the truth. He is here providing us with the strength and courage. At times God will even carry us when we have no strength to keep on. We hope that we can teach you to cling to your faith no matter what. Do not lean on your only understanding, but trust in God at all times.

Your Dad and I love you with all our hearts and want you to know that more than ever right now because we know how confusing and unstable your world is. We have loved you since the day when found out about you and we will spend the rest of our lives loving you. Your world may be a mess now and maybe it will be later down the road, but one thing that will never change is that your Dad and I love you unconditional.

Love Always and Forever

Mom

Our Struggles!

2012-02-01T23:01:00.000-06:00

The last few days have been really hard. Jared feels like crap from the chemo and he had to go in today to do and hour dose of chemo. Jared has been knocked flat on his back and depression has hit him the last few days. We knew that it could happen because it is also one of the many side effects. Jared is ready to stop treatment after week one and talking him off the edge of the cliff of wanting to quit has been hard. Jared is never sick. Now that he is going on several days of feeling like he got ran over with a semi truck and then having to go back in only to get ran over with a car was hard on him. It was hard to encourage him to keep proceeding with the chemo for another 8 more weeks when he feels so horrible.

He knows the only way to beat the cancer is chemo and if there were any other option I think he and the million other people out there going through chemo treatments would be standing in line to avoid them if they had a better option. It is hard watching the man who usually is the fighter in our family want to just give up. You know chemo treatments are bad when Jared would walk away and let the cancer win. When Jared said he wanted to stop treatment my heart broke and tears flooded my eyes. I looked at him and told him flat out NO! You know what it is like to lose a dad at a young age who lost his life too early and fought to keep his life. I will be darned if you think you are going to throw in the towel and let your kids see you give up. I know part of that is from the depression, but it was tough to hear as his wife and to be honest I was angry at him for even thinking that way.

I can tell by the lack of energy, throwing up, black circles under his eyes and the fourteen pounds he has lost that he feels horrible. Maybe it is my selfish desire but I want him around and deep down I know he wants that also. He wants to be here years from now to see his kids go to school,play sports,see them dressed up for dances, graduate high school, graduate college, get married and see them have kids or their own. I will not let Cancer.....and the depression from the treatment make him a quitter. We are going to fight and we are going to BEAT this!

Jared turned in his papers for short term disability and it was a hard choice for him to make. He wanted so bad to go back to work, but due to how horrible he feels he thinks this is best. I support him in his choice because I am not the one who feels like crap and would be trying to work.I have been worried about the money or lack of money we are going to have. I know money is going to be tight and it is going to be hard. I had to eat some crow today and take my own advise I gave Jared, which was we needed to trust and step out in faith that God will get us through. Stepping out in faith is hard because it means getting out of our comfort zone. "I tend to ask too many questions instead of asking God, leaving little room to acknowledge the miraculous. I want details first, which appeals to what I think my needs are. That’s not faith. Faith isn’t a comfortable place, but an expression of obedience to God. A person can’t reap the full measure of God’s blessing without this understanding." It its time to trust and step out of my comfort zone and to have faith not just in the good times but the difficult times too. We have had some huge struggles we have had to face as individuals and embrace together. It has been a tough week but I know God is here through it all.

I read this called Outside of Your Comfort Zone http://www.thebiblepost.com/stepping-into-the-life-that-orders . It opened my eyes that now is the time we are being called out of our comfort zone and it is time for us to trust and step out in faith.

Jaxon Talking

2012-01-31T16:23:00.000-06:00

Jaxon Talking with Mama 15 months old

Lots of information to process.....

2012-01-31T14:53:00.001-06:00

Jared is home and here are a few pictures from his first few days a home. He is exhausted and sleeps a ton, but at least his medication is keeping him from having his head in the toilet. The kids are excited Daddy is home and when he is up and moving around they are loving all over him! I am glad he is home and we get to finish up his fight with cancer from home now. Jared still has his hair and Kayla gets up each morning almost disappointed when she sees Jared still has hair. They said it would take 10 to 14 days before hair loss may occur. Jared is hoping he gets lucky and his hair does not fall out, but if it does we will cross that bridge when we get there.
We are being really careful since Jared got home cleaning up after he goes to the bathroom because if not the toxic chemo in his body also comes out in his urine. We are bleaching the toilets to make sure we do not come in contact with the chemo. The nurses said to be very careful because if we come in contract with it we also can have the same side affects that Jared will have such as hair loss,infertility and sickness. We are trying to to be extra careful and make sure we too are keeping our hands clean and germs ways from Jared. There is a lot precautions in keeping Jared safe and keeping me and the kids safe while Jared is taking chemo.
Jared and I have had a lot to deal with since finding out about Jared's cancer. When fighting cancer there is a whole list of risk that come with taking chemo. We had to learn about all those side affects which consist of a thick information booklet we were sent home with. The two hardest effects for Jared was hair loss and the possibility of infertility. The good news is Jared's hair will grow back and if we are never able to conceive again at least we are blessed with the two children we have. As much as we both would like one more child getting Jared healthy is more of a top priority. I also know that I have an almighty God who is in control and see the bigger picture.
We are not sure if Jared is going to be able to work with him also feeling exhausted. We have some huge choices to make like whether or not we should go ahead and go on short term disability or have him go back and work when he can and take FMLA on the days he cant.
The future is full of tons of unknowns and we are trusting God in all of this. We know he has us and is in control. We believe no matter what we face he will get us through this. We are having to trust and step out on faith. We must lean on our faith and trust that God is in control even in this storm.

How to balance being a wife and mother of someone with Cancer?

2012-01-30T12:38:00.003-06:00

We only have a few days left before we are done we week one of Jared's fight with Seminoma cancer. It seems like the last few weeks have been full of fear, chaos and not to mention being fast paced. Jared started chemotherapy last Wednesday and for safety we did the first five days in the hospital to make sure he would have no reaction to the treatment.

The first few days the chemotherapy did not seem to bother him, but once day three hit he was completely depleted of energy. He sleeps a lot and eats very little. I hate watching him go through all this and as a wife I want to jump in and make it all go away. It sucks that he has to feel so crappy in order to fight the cancer.

I must say juggling taking care of my husband, two small kids and running our house hold is going to be a nine week journey. I was excited last night to have us all under one roof, but to be honest felt like their needed to be three of me. I had to get the laundry going so Jared could have some cozy clothing to hang around the house, start dinner, keep the kids out of getting into stuff they shouldn't be in and take care of Jared who felt exhausted. I really felt like I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

Jared feels bad that most of the work load and care of the kids is on my shoulders which makes him sad and sort of depressed. I tried to explain to him you are sick and you will help out when you can and we are all going to have to pace ourselves. The next nine week is not a race, but more like a marathon we need to be prepared to not use up all our energy on the first stretch of this journey.

I am trying to find balance in it our daily tasks and at night I am tired and worn out. I get a good nights rest and get up and do it all over again. I find myself with mixed emotions through out this whole process. I know Jared body is in a huge war right now trying to kill all the the cancer cells and in the process of doing that it makes him feel like he was ran over by a semi truck I am learning to balance my emotions of seeing the love of my life feeling horrible and it breaks my heart to see him like this. I watch my kids hunger for both there parents attention. The kids struggle with watching Daddy feel bad and seeing their mom with her hands full juggling everything. Some days I really do wish there was more of me to go around.

The doctors were great about going over all the side effects from a person who fights cancer, but no one tells the wife the effects of being a wife and mother to someone with cancer.No one tells you how hard it is going to be and how it is going to affect the whole family not just the person with cancer. I have had to become in some ways a nurse, single parent due to Jared not feeling well, maid and work forty hours a week on top of all of that. At times it is a struggle, but we are all learning to adjust.I have had to learn to ask for help when I need an extra hand from our family and friends. I am trying to take it one day at a time and do the best I can. I have had to learn sometimes things like the dishes stacked in the sink will have to wait. I know that once I find my balance everything will fall into place.

I find myself praying for wisdom and strength even more with each new day. Everyone keeps telling me I am "strong" and I am a "rock", but to be honest I think the only reason I am strong from all this is because I know God has me and my family through all this. There are nights I just cry and feel so weak I lay it all at Gods feet and the next morning I get up and God has provided me with strength again. I know there are days when I will feel like I can't handle anything else, but I have to remember God will never give me more than I can handle. When I start to feel like my life is spinning out of control to remember the bible verse Jeremiah 29:11 and remember God is there and he has me through all this.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Day 4 and 5 of Jared's Fight

2012-01-29T11:05:00.001-06:00

Day 4 and 5 of Jared's Fight with Cancer has left him feeling exhausted. His energy level is down and he has spent the last several days sleeping. He is ready to come home from the hospital and start doing chemo as an out patient. Today after he does his chemotherapy he will get to come home.
The kids are ready to be home and be on a sort of normal schedule. Jared is off of work till Thursday and hoping to return to work. I am hoping he can rest up the next several days and get his energy back. We are hoping to finish the rest of him chemotherapy at home and return to our some what normal daily schedule.
I am excited to go pick Jared up and then go get the kids and have all of us back at home. I spent the morning getting the house ready. I got the trash taken out, laundry done and ran the vacuum. It will be nice when we get home to have a restful evening. Monday I start back with work and watching the girls and Kayla and Jaxon are missing their friends so I am sure the day will be full of all of them playing together.
Jared's hope is that we can return to our normal life with a few adjustments here and there as he does chemotherapy. I am ready to crawl into bed and have Jared next to me and the kids in their rooms right next to our room. I am in agreement with Jared as much normal as we can have I would like to return to it.

Day 3 of Jared's Fight!

2012-01-27T21:24:00.001-06:00

Day 3 Of Jared's Fight

Today it was an over cast day and with all the medication Jared is on he felt kind of tired and slept for a bit today. We have been really lucky that he has really had no side effects from the chemo. Kayla had a huge melt down last night because she was missing her Daddy so today after I ran up to Jared's work turning in some of his medical paper work we spent the day with her dad.
Kayla and Jared went for a walk around his floor, colored together, and made bead necklaces. We ate lunch together and then it was nap time. Jared slept for about an hour today and Kayla sat quietly watching a movie. I took her home and spent some time with Jaxon since it feels like I have not seen either one of them much the last few days. I brought Jared his Xbox later tonight to help cut down on him being bored and I could tell he was excited to have it there.
We had several visitors over the past days and we are grateful. It is nice seeing people, getting cards, messages and prayers. We are so thankful for all our family and friends for their love and support. Jared and I's eyes have been wide open to how blessed we are with all the love and support that surrounds us.
God has blessed us with Jared handling the medication well and blessed us with a wonderful support system.
Two more days till Jared is home and I am excited to have my family all under one roof. I know we still have several weeks of Chemo to face but it will be nice having my family back together and not spread all over. I miss my kids while I am taking care of the Jared and I miss Jared while I am with the kids. I feel a tug of war going on at times but I am doing my best at trying to divide and conquer.
Tonight I am will go home to an empty house and I am hoping for some much needed rest.

Day Two: Of Jared's Fight

2012-01-26T16:51:00.000-06:00

Day Two

Jared has started Day two of chemo. The doctor came in today with good news that Jared's potassium levels were up which is a good sign that the chemo is working. Jared's lump is a bit smaller so we are moving in the right direction! Jared has been handling the chemo pretty well and so far has had no side effects from the chemo treatments.They said he may not feel the side affects till day three, but I am hoping he gets lucky and doesn't experience any of it. He is a bit tired, but other than that he is his normal ornery self. The doctors and nurses have been wonderful and I am grateful for the care they have given to my husband. They have been wonderful at answering our questions and the care they have given has been top notch.
The kids are missing their Daddy and enjoy their visits up here. They enjoy getting to hang out with Daddy and enjoy snacking on all the snacks people have provided. Jaxon missed his dad so much last night that he kept calling for Jared and I spent half the night trying to convince him to go to sleep. It was a long night for this Mama but when I did finally get everyone in bed I slept sound for a few hours.
Jared is a bit restless in the hospital and does not like sitting still. We have walked the hospital floors, watched movies and he has been reading magazines, but I think after two days of that he is bored. He had some visitors today which was nice and made the day not seem to drag as bad. I can tell he is ready to be done with the hospital thing and move on to the out patient part of his treatment. As much as he doesn't like being in the hospital I am glad for our first experience with chemo we have had a staff that has provided wonderful care and information. I also feel better knowing if by some chance he did have issues he is surrounded by nurse and doctors.
I look forward to having Jared at home with the kids and us all being under one roof again. I know we are just at the beginning of this journey and there is many more days ahead but I am trying to remain positive.

Day 1 Of Jared's fight

2012-01-25T14:14:00.003-06:00

Day One of Operation Kick Cancers *** has started. Jared is in the hospital and we spent most of the morning going over paper work and waiting for them to put in Jared's pic line, which he will have for the next 9 weeks. After that line is installed, which they are doing now as I type,after that is in they will soon start chemotherapy after.
It has been a day of waiting and now that things are getting ready to start I feel my nerves start creeping up. All I can think is ready or not .....Here we go into the new chapters of the unknown of our lives. I am scared for my husband and how his body is going to handle the chemo. I know my fears are shared by everyone around us. Kayla misses her daddy already and started to cry when we left this morning. She told Cheri my Daddy is sick and I want him to feel better. My eyes tear up at her sweet words, I want that too my daughter I want my family healthy and all under the same roof.
Today I have stayed by Jared's side as his mind races with the fear of the unknown days ahead. All I can do is reassure him that we will get though this. We will face it together side by side. It is hard watching him struggle through this and my nurturing side wants to make it all better. All I can do is be there to talk to him and encourage him, but to be honest it does not feel like enough.
I am so grateful for all the love and support our family and friends have shown. The support and love that you guys have shown has made facing this easier knowing that we have a huge support system behind us. We are so thankful for your thoughts prayers and your love.

Chapters Full Of Unknown = A Time to Trust!

2012-01-23T23:05:00.000-06:00

Jared starts chemotherapy on Wednesday. I have a bit of room to breath because we know we the type of cancer and we caught it early, but I am still processing it all. The next chapter of our life is full of unknowns. I know the next few week there are going to be hard at times and I really don't know what to expect in how Jared's body will react to the chemo. I wish I could protect Jared from what is ahead. I struggle on how I am going to help the man I have loved for so many years as he deals with the affects from the chemotherapy. I know he is going to be sick, tired and the thought of losing his hair on top of maybe not being able to work has his nerves on edge. All I can do his hold his hand, be supportive and let him know I am there. I know that is what he needs, but it really does not feel like it is enough.
We sat down with Kayla and told her that Jared has cancer. She asked what cancer was and I explained to her it is like really bad germs that makes Daddy sick and the only way to get ride of those cancer germs is by giving Daddy medication that will make him feel yucky and make his hair fall out. I told her the medication will help get rid of the yucky germs called cancer. My four year old daughter looked at me and said " Will people laugh at Daddy?" I said, "I sure hope not because it would hurt Daddy's feelings." I could see her mind working as she asked " Will people still love Daddy?" I replied, "People don't love Daddy because he has hair or because he is well, We love Daddy because he is Daddy." She then took her finger and touched the area above her lip and asked " Will Daddy lose his mustache too?" I answered " Maybe." Jared had just returned from getting lunch and Kayla ran over toward her father and gave him a big hug and told him she loved him. It took everything I had to fight back my tears. I saw her concern with the thought of her father being sick and need to rush over and tell her father she loved him was moving to me. I know she will have more questions as Jared gets further into his treatment. I just hope as we explain things to her we can calm any fears she has.
I know the next nine weeks are going to hard at times and very busy as we fight to get Jared well. I am trying to stay strong for my husband and my children. I keep praying for wisdom and strength as we face this as a family that through all this God's glory will be seen. People ask and wonder if I am angry with God and my answer is No. I am not angry with God. I don't understand the why's to why Jared has cancer, but I have to trust God and know he is in control and sees the bigger picture. My mind could start running into a million directions like how we are going to afford all this, will we be able to have another child due to the information they told us about infertility, what happens if Jared can't work, what if we have to go out of state for treatment, but if I let myself focus on all that right now I will start to worry and take my trust off God. God is in control and I have to trust as these problems come up God will provide and show us how to handle each challenge ahead of us.

Luke 12:22-34
Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also

Results!

2012-01-23T13:16:00.001-06:00

We got the results today from the oncologist and Jared does have cancer. It is not lymphoma but it is Seminoma. Jared's father also had Seminoma. The Seminoma is a stage two. Jared will start chemotherapy on Wednesday. We will do Jared's first round of chemotherapy in the hospital that way the doctors can keep a close eye on Jared and make sure he has no reactions from the treatment. He will get to come home on Sunday. Jared will do three rounds of weekly chemotherapy over 9 weeks with a small weekly dose in between. They will perform another CT scan after the 9 weeks to see if the chemo killed all of they cancer cells. If it has not then we will revisit with the doctors and go from there. The doctor said this type of cancer is "Good Risk" and can be cured.

We are grateful for everyone love, support and prayers. We are trusting in God as we face this and taking it one day at a time.

Calmer of the Storm

2012-01-20T21:19:00.000-06:00

Jared's CT Results!

2012-01-20T11:35:00.000-06:00

We got the CT scan results back they told us that they were no other significant findings on the scan! We wont get the biopsy result back till Monday! I called my cousin who is a nurse and asked what the CT results meant. She said that is a good sign that it had not spread and may be a sign it is in the early stages. I think both Jared and I took a big sigh of relief for the first time in several days. Last night I was a mess! After getting a full night of rest and hearing that news today, I am more together today. I know it is going to be a long weekend of waiting until Monday untill we go and see the oncologist with results of Jared's biopsy. I know that is when the doctor will prepare us for what our next steps are.

Today we returned to our normal routine. My house is full of kids laughing and playing. Jared got up and played with the kids and then went and got dressed for work. He was excited to go to work, but fearful people are going to treat him different because of all of this. Jared told me I dont want to be treated different , I just want to fight this and for my relationships with people to not change. He doesn't want people looking at him and seeing CANCER but he wants people to look at him and see Jared. I told him this does not define you and when I look at you I see the same man I fell in love with. Normal is what we need so that is what we are going to try to accomplish.

A huge part of me wants to go into the office on Monday and hear well we were wrong this is not cancer and sorry about stressing you guys out the last several days. I know thats what I want, but just because I want that does not mean I am going to get it. I am trying to prepare myself for what we will hear but how do you do that will very little information. We have tons of question and I am sure as we find out more there will be more questions. Monday hopefully we will have some insight and some of our questions will be answered.

Praying and Waiting

2012-01-19T20:46:00.001-06:00

Today was a day full of tests. We got to the hospital at 9:15 in the morning and didn't get to leave till almost 4:00 this afternoon. They took more blood work today. They did and ultrasound and stuck a long needle in the lump to biopsy it. They took three samples out to biopsy. They also ran a full body scan looking to see if there was cancer any where else. Today was a day of waiting and not get answers. We wont know anything until Monday at the earliest.

I was a mess tonight after we got home. I am not sure if it was the fact I got up a 3 am this morning due to not being able to sleep or the stress of this all. I am not sure if it is all of the unknown or the fact all we can do know is wait. I am not sure if it is from sitting by Jared's side today in the hospital wondering if this is going to be our life for a while. A life of tests, waiting and hospitals. I was a big tearful mess. Jared looked at me and said, "I knew it was only a matter of time." We have been married for almost eight years and together for 12 years and it is funny how well we know each other and our cooping mechanisms. I felt bad for breaking down because I have been so strong so far and tonight it was like it all went out the window.

We wait now on the results and with those results we will get direction a what is to come for us to get Jared better. Everything is unknown and up in the air and we are sitting on the edge of our seats. Praying and waiting is all we can do.

Prayers and Love!

2012-01-19T03:54:00.000-06:00

I was so emotionally drained last night that it did not take long to fall asleep. I felt kind of numb last night and well emotionally beaten up. We got anguishing news yesterday that they are 99.9% sure Jared has cancer. They think it is lymphoma but we wont know after the biopsy it. I can not even describe how hard this is to wrap my brain around. I am nervous and scared and what is ahead for us as a family, but I also feel so loved with the response of those around us. People have been asking what we need and my Aunt Jan said it best, Right Now Prayers and Love.
We are scared and have a lot of unknown facts. Jared has many tests ahead and then we have days of waiting on results to those test before we get some answers of what's next. I don't know what really lies ahead of us and right now if I try to process it all my mind becomes over whelmed with the days ahead. I think it is best to face it one day at a time and for us to to cling to God and each other.
In the last 12 hours I have had moments when I am strong and other moments when I just break down and cry. I am a big bag of emotions. As a mom I am trying to put my brave face on and handle this with caution until we have all the facts. Once we know what the next steps are is when Jared and I will sit down and explain to Kayla what is going on with her dad. As a wife all I want is to cling to my husband. We are both scared, confused and the only thing I know to do is hold onto Jared and look to God.
Words can not express how grateful I am for everyone's love, support and prayers. Thanks to everyone for their kind words,phone calls, emails, texts and prayers! They mean a lot to us!

This verse keeps coming to my mind.....
Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, withthanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Did He Just Say Cancer?

2012-01-18T21:47:00.000-06:00

Have you ever had one of the worse days of your life and you kept hoping it was all a bad dream. I think that describes my day today. Jared found a lump in his neck and the insurance company finally approved him for his CT scan which we had been waiting on for several days. Jared went in and got the CT of the lump and came home. About an hour later we received a phone call that the doctor wanted Jared to come back in they had his results. They asked us to come in at 2:45.
I got my mother in law to take off work early and come sit with the kids so I could go with Jared because something in my gut told me I should be there. We walked into to the office and it was not long before they got us back in to see the doctor. The doctor was finishing up with a patient. Jared and I sat there waiting anxiously ready to know what was going on. Jared's knee tapped on the floor and normally it bugs me but today I ignored it and chalked it up to him being nervous.

The doctor walked in with his laptop and hopped up on the patients table since Jared and I were both sitting in the only two chair in the room. The doctor looked from his computer and up at us and said " Well it is not good news!" My heart sunk. I said "Okay." The doctor said we think Jared has cancer and that it was lymphoma. I said how sure are you this is cancer. The doctor looked at me and told me I am 99.9% sure this is cancer and 85% sure it is lymphoma, but we wont know until we do a biopsy it. The doctor said, "We will biopsy it tomorrow and get a full body scan." He also added, "We will get Jared in on Monday to see the Oncologist and he could be doing Chemotherapy by Tuesday. We are going to not wait on this and we are going to hit the ground running."

  Jared and I looked at each other and both of us had the deer in the head light look.I know I was thinking this is all a bad dream, Did he say cancer? I fought back the tears knowing Jared needed me to be strong. They asked if we had any questions and since we didnt out the door we went. I held his hand while they rushed around us setting up appointments, taking blood and trying to prepare us for at least this week ahead.

I called my husbands mom to drop the bad news on her and my heart sank for her. She watched her husband battle cancer and now her son. I wanted to crawl through the phone and hug her. She held it together and ask some questions that I answered the best I could with the little information we had. I then called both of my parents. I was fine and held it together with out crying till my dad asked me how I was doing and then the tears feel like a river. I finally pulled myself back together and we finished up in the office and got to head home. The car ride was full of tears, a few spoken words and mainly silence.

We have called our family and friends and let them know. I think they were all as shocked as we were. They all have tons of question just like we do, but I don't have any more information than what we have. We still have not sat down with Kayla to explain all of this, but figure it will be better to one sleep on it and two have more information about how they are going to deal with the cancer and what type it is.

My husband broke down tonight after my mother in law took my daughter to dance so we could get everything in order. He just cried and I held him. He said "I can't look at Jaxon because what if something happens and I don't get to see our kids grow up. I don't want anything to happen I want to be here with my family and see them grow up." I wanted to shout out I want that too. I want you to see them graduate and walk your daughter down the isle but I looked into his eyes and said lets not go there. Lets get all our facts, fight this and take this one day at a time together. I don't know what the future will bring and what is ahead of us, but I know hand and hand we will be.



Bible Verses

Isaiah 41:10

¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Psalm 62:8
Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

I hate waiting......

2012-01-18T00:06:00.000-06:00

Today has been a day of waiting and full of lots of known. Jared went in to the doctor today and they checked the lump he found in his neck. The doctor was concerned and is going to do a cat scan of it. Once they do that test we will know more about what the lump is. The doctor said he thinks the lump was on his thyroid gland. It will have to be removed no matter what because is causing strain on Jared neck and in his muscles and if left could lead to future problems.The doctor was hoping to get Jared in today for a CT, but had to wait for our insurance to approve the test. I am hoping by tomorrow they will and we can go in and find out what this lump is and what our next steps are. It has been scary for us knowing Jared's family medical history. Waiting has been hard and if you know me waiting is not something I am always good at. We have lots of support and people praying for us, which is comforting. A friend of ours sent Jared a verse today in Isaiah (41:10) that says "So do not fear; for I am with you; do not be dismayed,for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
God is with us and will be our strength. This verse came with perfect timing because it was something we both needed to be reminded of! Hoping for answers soon, but until then we wait.

Memories Captured

2012-01-16T01:00:00.002-06:00

Here is another Memories Captured Link up! They want us to post a moment or someone we love in words and photos and share them. I decided to do one for my husband since the last time I did this I did one for each kid. Join in the fun! Make one and go link up!

No Matter What We will Face it Together!

2012-01-16T00:06:00.000-06:00

This week has been challenging for us as a family. Jared has a lump in his neck that he showed me this morning. He said it has been there for months but it has grown bigger. I freaked out which was not so smart on my part. It is scary because Jared's dad had cancer and I think by me freaking out and not remaining calm it scared Jared. His concerns about the lump rose by my reaction. He broke down and I could see the fear in his eyes. Once I saw the fear in him eyes I knew I needed to rein in my fear because it was only making the situation worse. I put the kids in Kayla's room to play and went to my husband who was in our bathroom trying to keep it together and trying to finish getting ready for work. I told him it is okay no matter what this is we will get through this. I know you are scared because of your family history, but no matter what we will get through this. We should not worry and fret until we see a doctor. I told Jared we could find out it is nothing or something as minor as an infection. I told no matter the out come we will face this together. I held him and I knew in that moment he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. I just held him and he held me back.
This year has started off with trial after trial and it has been hard. We have faced so much in the last week. I feel emotionally drained, but I know God is control and no matter what he has me and my family. No matter the out come we will face it together. It is scary to see the one you have loved for 12 years fall apart and see fear consume him. Jared is usually the one who calms me down because I am the worrier. It was hard to be in the reversal roll. All I could do is hold him and tell him no matter what we will get through this. I know his fear comes from watching his dad battle with cancer and losing his dad at such a young age due to having heart issues from the chemo. I know the thought of this lump even having a possibility of cancer scares him to death. I am trying to be strong and positive. I know by worrying it is not going to help him and it does me no good. There is no need to worry we have no control over it and instead of worrying we need to pray and leave it in God's hands.
I know that if this lump is an infection, gland issue or even if it is cancer, we will face it together. I will call tomorrow and set up an appointment and hopeful we can get him in and get some answers. I have to pray and trust that no matter what comes are way, God is in control and I am not. I have to lean not into my own understanding but lean on God. I hope we will have some sort of information before the week is up in the mean time when I feel worry creep up I will pray.