Lowering the Bar

Man Tests Police by Dressing to Match Suspect's Description

2009-11-20T00:09:54-08:00

I can remember times when I was really, really bored. I mean, really bored. But I don't think I've ever been so bored that I even considered checking a police scanner to get a description of somebody the police were looking for, and then dressing up like that person to see what would happen. Sure, it sounds like fun, and not at all dangerous, but I would probably just turn on the PlayStation instead.

But maybe PlayStations are hard to come by in Redding, California. On November 16, police there were looking for a man who witnesses said was wearing khaki pants and a San Francisco 49ers sweatshirt and was one of two men trying to break into a local business. One of the men surrendered to police but the other ran off. Six more officers, a police dog and a helicopter were called in to search for the fleeing burglar.

. . . . .

CUT TO RUSSELL SPADE'S HOUSE (INT.)

Spade is sitting next to an emergency radio scanner that is broadcasting details of a police pursuit. He looks bored.

VOICE FROM SCANNER

   All units, be advised suspect may be heading through
    Westwood near Highway 273. Suspect is described as
    wearing khaki pants and a San Francisco 49ers sweatshirt.

CLOSEUP - SPADE'S FACE

At first he is listening intently, but then a look spreads over his face that shows us an idea is forming. As his brow wrinkles, a special-effects window opens in it and through the window we can see gears turning, then a man cranking a Model T Ford, then John Malkovich turning to look at the camera, then a monkey riding a goat on a tightrope, then a light bulb turning on.

We follow Spade's gaze to:

CUT TO OTHER SIDE OF ROOM

A pair of khaki pants lay across a chair, and behind them we can see a closet in which a 49ers sweatshirt is hanging.

RUSSELL SPADE'S HOUSE (EXT.)

Spade is outside wearing khaki pants and a 49ers sweatshirt. A siren sounds in the distance.

. . . . .

Police Sgt. Steve Moravec said that Spade had told him that he wondered if police would notice him if he went outdoors wearing the clothing of the suspect they were searching for. "We noticed him," Moravec said. They also arrested him and charged him with obstructing a police officer.

Of course I have considered the possibility that Spade actually was the burglar and concocted this story because it was better than getting charged with burglary. But Moravec said that they did not think Spade was actually the suspect because "other than his clothing, he didn't fit the description of the suspect."

That man, if he ever existed, was never found.

Link: The Record Searchlight

Joe Francis Sentenced to Time Served, Is Now Free to Sleaze Again

2009-11-18T11:12:39-08:00

Joe Francis, the Girls Gone Wild founder -- or as Gawker.com described him, the "alleged arm-twisting sexual aggressor and loathsome Girls Gone Wild founder" -- was sentenced on November 7 to time already served, and was released into the wild to go back to stalking your daughters. (I think I find this so irritating partly because it makes it that much more difficult for me to stalk them. Nothing more awkward than running into another stalker while you are just minding your own business trying to get some stalking done. Get your own!)

Francis had been faced with a trial this month for two counts of false tax returns and one count of bribery (Nevada prison food was apparently not to his liking, so he allegedly paid his guards $5,000 to get him something better). But after the government's star witness, Francis's former accountant, turned out to possibly have some legal issues himself (and I know that seems hard to believe), prosecutors suddenly seemed to become interested in a plea bargain. U.S. District Judge S. James Otero accepted the terms of a deal that sentenced Francis to the 10 months he has already served while awaiting trial, a year of probation, and a fine of $250,000. While a guy who can pay $5,000 for better prison food probably will not have much trouble with that fine, I would be willing to bet that not violating probation will be entirely beyond his capabilities.

On the other hand, Francis did somehow stay out of jail during the time between plea and sentencing, despite a plea agreement that ordered him, among other things, to "refrain from excessive use of alcohol" and any use of controlled substances, and to "not frequent places where controlled substances are illegally sold, used, distributed or administered . . . ." So assuming he set foot in pretty much any L.A. bar after that, or was ever within 50 yards of Lindsay Lohan, he breached that agreement. If so, the judge overlooked it, but it is still a fair bet that one or more probation violations will take place during the next twelve months. Prison chefs everywhere are probably looking forward to that almost as much as I am.

Link: Huffington Post, Los Angeles Times (on the sentencing)
Link: Gawker (on the plea deal itself)

UPDATE: Amended Complaint in Dolphin Case Also Points Finger at Algae

2009-11-18T06:58:12-08:00

As you may recall, this summer a woman sued the Brookfield Zoo alleging she had fallen near the dolphin pool because the zoo had recklessly encouraged said dolphins to splash water out of said pool, making the floor slippery. Local sources reported recently that the plaintiff had amended her complaint to blame algae as well.

Algae, as you know, are a large and diverse group of simple, typically autotrophic eukaryotes that conduct photosynthesis within membrane-bound chloroplasts that are similar to cyanobacteria and may in fact represent reduced cyanobacterial endosymbionts. They can also be really f*%#ing slippery. It isn't clear why plaintiff didn't blame the algae to begin with, but she now argues that the dolphin-inspired algae were "slimy" and infested an area that spectators must cross to leave the dolphin exhibit.

I suppose it is possible that the crafty algae were lurking below the surface of the water splashed out by the dolphins, and so increased the hazard in a way that plaintiff could not have foreseen. Only time and expensive discovery will tell.

Link: Chicago Bar-Tender

Plaintiff Alleges That Defendants Concealed Location of His House

2009-11-17T12:05:15-08:00

This case was filed recently in San Mateo County, just south of San Francisco:

Stanley G Hilton v. San Francisco International Airport; San Francisco International Airport Authority; City and County of San Francisco; San Mateo County; Town of Hillsborough; United Airlines Inc.; UAL Inc.; American Airlines; Virgin Atlantic Airlines; Mexicana Airlines; Lufthansa German Airlines; [lots of other airlines]; General Electric Inc.; Michael Sparer; Kathleen Sparer; Cashin Real Estate Company; Coldwell Banker Inc.; Francis Hunter; Gina Haggerty; [more airlines]; Boeing Corporation; Airbus Industries; McDonnell Douglas; [and a couple more airlines]; Case No. CIV 489425 (San Mateo County Super. Ct., filed Nov. 10, 2009)

Noise and air pollution. The defendants failed to warn the plaintiff that the house they [sic] purchased was very close to the airport and therefore suffered from noise and air pollution. $10.5 billion.

Here's just one of the dilemmas Mr. Hilton -- who is, not surprisingly, representing himself -- will likely face: If you have ever actually visited a house you're buying (and I recommend you do that), you should know whether or not it is in fact near something as big as an airport. (I have been to this particular airport and can testify that it is not well-concealed.) If you have not actually visited said house, then it is hard to see how you could have suffered from noise or air pollution there. It's a fairly simple case of non-presence.

I realize that technically, plaintiff appears to be alleging that the house suffered from noise and air pollution, which could be an argument that the property value was essentially misrepresented because defendants kept the location of the house secret until after plaintiff bought it. But that may just be bad grammar. Even if it isn't, it seems doubtful that the difference in value is $10.5 billion.

Houses are expensive here, but even with a pool they don't go for that much.

Bear-Disturbance Acquittal Follow-Up

2009-11-16T11:35:11-08:00

Last week I mentioned that I was having trouble finding the law that Kenneth Herron supposedly violated when he infiltrated the bear grotto at the San Francisco Zoo. I speculated that it might have been section 5.08 of the San Francisco Park Code, which makes animal-disturbing a misdemeanor, and a reader has confirmed that by directing me to this September 28 press release from the San Francisco DA's office, which cites that section.

It seems a little odd to me that Herron's arraignment warranted a press release, since they clearly don't announce every arraignment that way. A lot of the press releases on that site have to do with new initiatives or convictions, and those I understand. If you have convicted the culprits in a triple homicide, as a couple of these press releases indicate, that is something to be proud of and to announce to the world. If you have charged a mentally-ill man with disturbing a bear, maybe not so much.

Link: SF District Attorney's Office