Lowering the Bar

Accused Mustard Vandal and Dog-Puncher Grabs a Couple of Brews During Pursuit

2013-05-21T10:56:41-07:00

The recent exploits of one Florida man (via the great Twitter feed @_FloridaMan):

The bizarre string of incidents began at about 2 a.m. Sunday when a neighbor called police and reported seeing a man climbing up to the second floor of a townhouse. The neighbor said he could hear things smashing and items being slammed to the floor....

When two police officers arrived at the scene, they saw the intruder pacing in and out of the house while wearing a t-shirt over his head. When an officer ordered the man to stop, he took off running and jumped over a fence, according to the report.

Police later found that he had smashed all the televisions in the house, thrown mustard all over the walls, and scrawled numerous messages on them (all of which were illegible).

Shortly thereafter he was spotted walking a few blocks away. This "resulted in a long foot pursuit" that also involved a helicopter, several K-9 units, and a brief pit stop:

During the chase, a deputy in the helicopter noted that [the suspect] jumped onto someone's patio and disappeared briefly. [He] then re-emerged running from the home carrying two bottles of Heineken beer, the report said.

It isn't clear whether he drank any of the Heineken (probably didn't have a bottle opener on him). Police said he was seen throwing the bottles. Eventually he was run down by a police dog, which he allegedly punched without much success. He suffered "unspecified injuries during his encounter with the dog," the article says. I'm guessing it bit him.

There is some evidence that controlled substances were involved. (Evidence other than the above, I mean.) The man is facing multiple charges, including striking a police dog, just to add insult to unspecified injury.

Official State Crap: California

2013-05-20T11:17:04-07:00

Official state nickname: The Golden State.

Official state mineral: gold.

Official state motto: "Eureka" (Greek for "I have found it," the "it" in this case probably being gold).

Official state flower: the golden poppy.

Official state colors: gold (also blue).

Official state marine fish: the garibaldi (Hypsypops rubicundus), which is gold-colored.

Official state rock: serpentine, which is a significant source of gold asbestos.

Official state soil: San Joaquin soil, deposited by glaciers in the Sierra Nevada mountains long before the gold was mined out of them, between 50,000 and 250,000 years ago.

Official state gold rush ghost town: Bodie (now preserved in a state "of arrested decay").

Official state song: "I Love You, California,” a "song published in 1913 with lyrics by F.B. Silverwood and music by A.F. Frankenstein," which mentions gold a couple of times.

Editor's note: As previously noted, any reference to "Dr. Frankenstein" will be used as an excuse to mention one of my favorite facts of all time, namely that in 2008 a Dr. Richard S. Frankenstein was president of the California Medical Association.

Official state insect: the California dog-face butterfly (Zerene eurydice), which is partly gold-colored.

Official state animal: the California grizzly bear (Ursus californicus), also known as the California golden bear.

Official state animal that has been extinct since 1922: the California grizzly bear (Ursus californicus).

Official state animal that had been extinct for 31 years at the time it was designated the official state animal: the California grizzly bear (Ursus californicus).

Image: CA Dept. of Parks & Rec.

Official state fossil: the saber-toothed cat (Smilodon californicus). Also apparently the California grizzly bear (Ursus californicus).

Official state prehistoric artifact: a chipped stone bear (or "bear-shaped eccentric," although that could also refer to my grandpa), crafted about 8,000 years ago in California by long-since-departed native Americans and quite possibly depicting an animal that is now extinct.

Official state reptile: the California desert tortoise (Gopherus agassizii), which is neither extinct nor linked to gold in any way, to my knowledge.

Official state marine reptile: the Pacific leatherback sea turtle (Dermochelys coriacea) (same).

Official state marine mammal: the California gray whale (Eschrichtius robustus) (same).

Cal. Gov. Code §§ 420-429.8.

On Second Thought, Don't Pick Up Any Hatchet-Waving Hitchhikers at All

2013-05-18T13:31:15-07:00

You may remember Kai, the oddball hitchhiker who became a hero of sorts after he saved a woman in California from an attacker by going after that guy with a hatchet he happened to be carrying. See "Axe-Wielding Hitchhiker Dude Saves Lady from Fake Jesus" (Feb. 4, 2013). At the time I thought, "wow, heroes can turn up in the unlikeliest places," and remarked, "For once the dude with the hatchet is the good guy" and also "I still would not recommend picking up a hitchhiker who is waving a hatchet, but if you must do so I hope it turns out to be Kai."

Yeah, so, he killed a guy.

Or at least that's what authorities in New Jersey believe. Kai (that's not his real name, but I will go ahead and keep using it) was arrested on Thursday and charged with killing a 73-year-old man he had apparently met in Times Square. The man was found at his home in New Jersey. Kai was linked to the man through text messages they had exchanged, and he was spotted in a Starbucks on Thursday, the same day police identified him as a suspect. Given his former celebrity, it didn't take too long to find him. "Being on YouTube too much," said the police commissioner in Philadelphia, where Kai was arrested, "is not necessarily a good thing."

Also not a good thing: picking up hitchhikers who are waving hatchets, or look like they might have a hatchet, or any hitchhikers, really. I did have the basic recommendation right, at least.

Has Justin Bieber Abandoned His Monkey?

2013-05-17T12:03:36-07:00

According to Rolling Stone, Justin Bieber's management company has told the shelter currently housing Mally, his 20-week-old capuchin monkey, that Bieber doesn't want the animal and that it should be placed in a zoo. Mally was quarantined by German customs officials in March after Bieber arrived in that country without the necessary monkey paperwork. It is apparently not illegal to bring monkeys to Germany as long as you follow the rules, although the answer to that question has not been very easy to locate.

Google should know by now not to ask me these questions

But the Biebs doesn't follow your "rules," so the monkey was confiscated, and he also doesn't go back to pick up his monkeys, so this one's been stuck in a German shelter ever since. Bieber left Germany long ago for the next leg of his tour (he's currently somewhere between Johannesburg and San Diego), but Mally is still in Munich.

According to some reports, Justin originally had his people call the monkey's people and say that he wanted the monkey back, but Rolling Stone now says they have told the shelter to send it to the zoo. This might or might not be in response to criticism from animal-welfare groups that have argued monkeys should not be kept as pets at all, much less dragged along "on a world tour as a fashion accessory for a pop star," as the shelter's director put it. "It is madness," he continued. "But sadly, stupid things rarely go [sic] punished." Unfortunately true.

Speaking of stupid things being punished, Bieber may owe up to $50,000 euros for the monkey-related customs violation, on top of the "several thousand dollars" the shelter is claiming as the cost of caring for the animal over the past six weeks. (I guess it is used to first-class treatment.) Presumably he would have to pay that if he does decide to pick up his monkey, which a customs spokesman said he must do by midnight tonight.

In other news, a recent poll found that "Americans are united in their dislike" for Bieber, with only 20 percent saying they viewed him positively versus 54 percent negatively. To put that in some perspective, his positive rating is only seven points higher than convicted woman-puncher Chris Brown's. In fact,

Bieber was the only artist who had a majority unfavorability rating across all party lines – a majority of Democrats (23-54), Republicans (17-52), and independents (18-56) all reported negative views of the singer.

That's probably why only eight percent said they'd most like to see him as President (their choices were limited to music stars), one point less than Lady Gaga. Monkeygate is not going to do him any favors in that regard, but then 2016 is still a few years away.

Does Eric Holder Know?

2013-05-15T18:33:15-07:00

Nope. He does not:

Of course, neither did Alberto Gonzales, or if he did, he didn't recall:

Now, I don't know whether it's worse to not know anything or to not recall anything. I mean, if you don't know, you don't know, but if you don't recall, then you might know but not recall knowing or you might not know and not recall whether you know or not. Although I guess if you say you don't know, we don't know whether you never knew or whether you once knew but don't know now, which would be the same as not recalling. On the other hand, saying you don't know could potentially be disproven, like by a document showing you did know at the time you said you didn't. But if you say you don't recall, and then it turns out you knew, you could still just say you didn't recall. So I would say that saying you don't recall is worse because we can never really know whether you do or not.

I'm glad I could clear that up, although if they're both lying their asses off, which seems likely, it doesn't matter.