Photo: Jacqueline Filmore

Crazy times… I’ve been waiting to write this blog post because it’s not an easy one. I wanted to wait for March to end because with it, my job is cancelled. I’m jobless, yet again. But how ironic is it that right now, it feels like the whole world is going kinda crazy. Some of us are able to work from home, others were dismissed because of that virus, others are now more important than ever and are working so much in order to keep us safe. And now I’m in a position like many of us, but not because of a weird virus that’s trying to kill mankind. It’s weird to write about this because these pandemics are somehow movie-like. We watch apocalypse movies and series, know everything about how to kill zombies (aim for the head!), feel prepared for something like “the end of the world”, and then there it is: a worldwide quarantine. We’re all stuck at home. No more social interactions. Restaurants and stores closing, people losing their jobs, fearing their existences, we’re not allowed to meet friends anymore, and yet the sun is shining as if we’re starting into a global summer holiday. And then there’s me, in the middle of this mess, feeling kinda helpless  and useless and little – again.

Struggles. Today’s blog post title and this funny looking word is kinda what describes my whole life in the past three years. I’ve been fighting and fighting, failing, falling, standing up again and continuing my fights. I’ve been dismissed in such a disgusting way, won’t talk about it, but let me say: it was unfair. It was not okay how people treated me. It was humiliating. And it hurt so much because looking back at the past three years, I’ve been proceeding, going back, having little victories, major losses, the full program. I’ve been through it all and I had just felt safe for the first time, having a job, a new home, the money to pay for a decent life. I’ve still never given up because I felt like the fight is worth it in the end. People left me. My best friend couldn’t stand me anymore, telling me I’m too self-centered and negative. I couldn’t understand how the person who’s been with you through so much and who really knew me could simply leave me, knowing how I feel. Then again: even my ex-husband left me in the most disgusting way ever and knew how broken I was, thanks to depression and anxiety. People seem to have no problems with leaving me when I need them the most. But they also don’t even care, obviously, they don’t even want to know about me and what’s going on. The same seems to happen with jobs. The only constants in my life are my parents, supporting me whenever and wherever they can. Always offering me to help if they’re able to and I am more than thankful for these two. They’re my life.

But to be honest: I’m sick of fighting. I know I can do a lot, I know I’ve learned so much in the past years, I’ve grown, I’ve been through many experiences that others go through in many years – I did it in only three. I’ve never given up and I don’t wanna give up. I’m just tired. Just because you know you can, does it really mean that you have to? All the time? I guess so. But what happens, when you’re just not able to anymore? Life goes on. And it’s scary. Life has a weird way to kick you in the stomach over and over again but at the same time ask you to go on as if nothing happened. Sometimes I wonder if this all will end and everything will be okay. It doesn’t feel so. But I feel like it has to. This all can’t be for nothing. I don’t want the past years to just be another failed try. I want them to be worth it. I want to be able to look back and say: “It was hard. I cried. I fought so much. I was just about to give up and then it finally happened – everything made sense. It wasn’t for nothing.“

Well, I don’t even know where to start… it’s been a hell of a year. I’ve been through a lot and it wasn’t just good stuff that happened. But I’m still here, I’ve survived and I’m still fighting. As I’ve told you so many times before: I’m not giving up. And 2019 was totally worth it. I’ve achieved so much, even though it wasn’t easy to get there. Of course, the highest price I had to pay was that I had to stop blogging. There’s absolutely no more time for it, I still haven’t found a photographer to work with, especially not for free (which I wouldn’t even want to ask for, but since I don’t make any money with this blog anymore, I’m simply not able to pay for it – and all the money I make now is much needed to pay for my rent, for food and for those little fun times after work, which are really, really rare). I had to change my life, completely. I had to → grow up and I’m glad I got to share some of it with you, at least in the beginning. The struggle was real, still is. But I know what I’m doing it for. It’s for my dream, the dream of living in my favorite city, on my own, in my own home, for myself – I am doing it all for me. And if that’s not the best reason to fight, what is? 

I truly miss blogging. I miss the good times of taking pictures on a regular, creating outfits, empowering all of you not only with my looks but also with my words. But fact is, people don’t read anymore, people like to consume perfect pictures on Instagram, preferably without an actual message, no content but a photo that’s nice to look at. You get to live from it when you’ve got the money to support a luxurious lifestyle – cause that’s what people prefer to see on Social Media. I’m not saying that there aren’t people who are looking for realness and/or follow accounts that actually have something to say. But after 10 years in the business, I’ve seen it all grow and eventually stand still or even going back. Blogging was a tough business even though I never really saw it a business, as work. It was always something I’ve loved, something that filled me with joy and happiness. But I believe that my time is over. I believe that blogging is over. We’ve all moved on to Instagram and probably will even move on to another app in some time. Who knows? Of couse, this is not the end of my blog. I just can’t say goodbye to all those good times just because I don’t have enough time anymore to do it like a few years ago. I had already decided to use my blog for what’s important to me to tell – my story. Hoping that the people who need to read it, will do so and feel empowered by a girl who just had to finally start living. It’s possible! And I will continue to share my story. Even if it’s just one post per year, I won’t stop blogging. Promise! These almost 11 years were a privilege and I will cherish them forever.

So, here’s a look back at my hardest but most successful year so far – 2019, the year I finally reached all my goals!

One year. Wow. It’s already been a whole year since I moved back to Hamburg, the city I love and where I feel at home. One year and so many things happened, so many changes, so many challenges, so many memories – great ones and not so great ones. It’s been a thrilling year, so I feel like writing a recap is obligatory to share my last year with you.

My highlights of the past year!

So, there were a few experiences that were super cool and mentionable. I’m proud of everything I’ve achieved in the past year. There were good moments and a lot of bad moments but even the bad ones teach you a lot and make you grow even more. Of course, that’s something you can only say afterwards because during it’s too hard and no fun at all, but every day teaches us a lesson, we just have to open our eyes and face them. :)

• Packing my car and driving back here 
• Driving in this city, something I was horribly scared of before
• Actually starting a job as a driver
• Working in a food truck – hard work but very fun work
• Surviving my first job interviews
• Each single drink at my two favorite bars and all those lovely moments with the people there
• Being part of a casting for a movie, I feel like acting could also be something I’d like to do
• Participating at the PSFD, probably for the last time, and having my mother around to see me
• Finally getting divorced – and show up at the appointment alone
• Going on a few fun dates, even though 99% of them didn’t work out
• The concerts I’ve visited: Beach House, Feng Suave, Hippo Campus
• Finding jobs and doing my best
• Getting new tattoos
• Finding a place to finally stay and sign an actual contract – even though it turned out to be a shithole
• Celebrating Christmas and New Year’s Eve with my best friend on FaceTime
• Losing a job, but not losing hope
• Falling in love at 4 am at the most amazing first date
• Getting the new Dexcom G6 and finally a new pump 
• My first time in an amusement park – oh, it was the best day ever!
• Surviving my first actual heartbreak, somehow – still sad, though
• Finding the new job I’m starting in August and therefore, finally my chance to make it all work out forever! And since I promised in my last Instagram Live Video that I’d be telling you in this post what’s it gonna be: I’ll be working at fielmann, they’re giving me such a big chance and I’m super thankful. It’s gonna be a job that I’m absolutely sure I’m gonna like and be good at and I’m very much looking forward at starting there. It’s gonna be hard, I know, it’s gonna be a big change in my life, a full-time job, working five days a week – I’m sure I’ll be a zombie in my free time in the first month(s), but I’m so happy to finally have found something to settle down, with a decent salary and with it, the chance to finally find my own place in Hamburg and living the best life I can, something I can be very proud of. It’s gonna be great! 

Oh, where to start? It’s time for a life update. I’m utterly sad that I don’t really find enough time for blogging anymore. Blogging as it was before is definitely over, but I guess that’s part of completely changing your life. And that’s fine. I’ve decided to blog about things that matter to me, topics that I find important and obviously all those changes in my life. Yes, I miss posting my outfits, but I’m happy to say that I still upload my looks on Instagram, even though I don’t really like that shallow platform. But nowadays, you have to go with the flow and there’s probably no better place to post what I wear than on Instagram, because it’s easy and fast and I can also show you my everyday looks without feeling bad cause I wanted my blog to be a place for high fashion and edgy looks, not only the stuff you can easily wear for running errands. I mostly show you my work looks now, which – thanks to my little job in the fashion store – luckily aren’t that boring (but it looks like I’m only wearing jeans anymore, haha! It’s just perfect for the job, comfy and easily combinable…) and from time to time, we shoot some outfits with store items that I like. My colleague is so nice to help by taking the pictures and she’s pretty good at it! I guess, I should hire her as my new photographer! :)

Well, but as today’s blog title says, I’m gonna write about failing – and fighting. And this is not easy to write. Right now, my life consists of fighting. Fighting to stay here in Hamburg, because it seems like I’m right back at the beginning, where I started last year when I came back – just with no money left. I’m seriously struggling and my situation is bad. Really bad. I’m not feeling great, I lost my second job, which was fun, due to the worst luck ever and it actually should’ve never been a reason to fire me because it’s just a natural risk of the work itself, but here I am, almost jobless again. All I have left right now is my mini job at the fashion store which luckily provides some money, but definitely not enough, not even enough to pay my rent – but that’s something I’m hopefully about to change cause what’s happening with our shared flat is also pretty bad and something I’m not taking anymore. I’m pissed off and I don’t wanna live in a shithole where the landlord just doesn’t care about anything but receiving way too much money. But that’s another story. My mental condition is that bad that even my physical condition is bad – I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’m not really hungry anymore, I keep becoming sick and I’m very tired. Tired of everything. 

And I’m scared. I’m literally scared. I don’t wanna leave Hamburg, it’s the place I love, it’s home. Whenever I remind myself that I’m here, I feel like I’m exactly where I should be, where I belong to. And I don’t wanna change this. I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna say that I’ve failed completely. Right now, I “just” failed at being able to pay for living. That’s bad enough. I don’t wanna give up yet. Not everything I’ve already achieved in almost a year being back. Not living at my favorite place. I’m fighting. Probably not enough, cause I’m scared as hell, but I’m doing what I can. I’m trying my best. And I will continue to do so. But to be honest, May seems to be the last month I’m able to fight. I will have to find a job that pays for my life here. Otherwise, I have no other choice than giving up, even though this isn’t an option I want to accept yet. So here goes nothing: everything. It just has to work out this time. 

I know, I know, it’s already February and actually way too late to post the second part of my annual recap, but hey – better late than never, right? And yes, there’s still a lot to say about the last year, probably the most amazing one of my life so far, because it taught me so much and helped me become the person I was struggling to be before my transformation started back in 2017. 2018 was an important year, a year of change, a year of new challenges and new things to experience, a year as single and embracing that fact. And oh, I really enjoyed checking off things off my bucket list! It was fun and it was exciting and I wish I had new ideas for 2019, but my brain won’t come up with something – at least, I still got some points left from 2018 and will try to turn them into memories! But here comes my → #SingleBucketList2018 recap!

Let’s start my recap of 2018 with the part that has gotten me through the year at any time: music. I’ve done this for 2017 and feel like sharing my favorite tracks of the year again, since music means a lot to me and it’s a big part of my life, even though I don’t play any instruments. Music soothes my soul, it’s something that’s always there and the best companion through every occasion – good ones and especially bad ones.

Like last year, I will be saying something about a few songs of my playlist and there may be some nice little stories!

This year, I listened a lot to music in my car while driving around, so many of the songs remind me of certain trips and when I listen to them, they kind of bring me back to special days, so I’ll share my memories with you for some of them. Feel free to listen to my favorites on Spotify, but for those of you who don’t happen to use it, I’ve also created a YouTube playlist (you can find it at the end of the post). I hope you enjoy my choices as much as I do, they really mean a lot to me.

Photo: Jacqueline Filmore

Well, I already mentioned it shorty in my December recap – and it’s clearly a story that needs more explanation. It’s not a pretty one and it definitely puts me and my character in a bad light, but I had no other choice, except for the one of giving up and even though I had to be the bad guy, the real asshole in this story, and it wasn’t the nice thing to do, it was the right thing to do.

This was no relationship, it was more like two people just sharing an apartment. I was sad, because the start of our story had been so amazing, it was magical. I remember calling my parents and telling them that something so incredibly crazy had happened and that I can’t even explain it but that I’m just genuinely happy. And two months later, all that was left from this amazing feeling was constant crying and just wanting to leave this toxic place which had made me sick again, even physically. I couldn’t eat right, my digestion had gotten very poor and all I did was sleep and cry and talk to my friends that I can’t do this anymore. At the end of November, when I still hadn’t found a new home, I decided to leave my cat with my parents and simply try to crash at some friends’ couches while still looking for a new place. I didn’t want to give up my dream of living in Hamburg and there were a few friends who said that I could stay with them, but without the cat. But then, luckily, when I had figured out how to do it, I found it, a tiny room in a shared flat, and they wanted to have me. Even with the cat.

Since the guy had already told me that when the day comes, I should find some friends to help me with my stuff, I did the move almost on my own, just three friends got to help me, even though they didn’t have much time, but they sacrified their little spare time to help me and I’m utterly thankful for that. As thankful as I am for that guy that he offered me a place to stay when I needed it the most. I’m thankful for the first few weeks with him and I’m thankful for the lesson he taught me after his weird and unpleasantly surprising change: patience. And that, as much as you don’t want it, that sometimes you have to bite the bullet and be egoistic, think about what’s best for yourself. Clearly, I didn’t hurt that guy. The way he treated me, all he wanted was someone to just be there and comfort him when he’s not well, someone to give him a cat (he desperately wanted a cat but wasn’t willing to do anything else but pet him, not even feed him) and someone to do his household (and for which I even got critisized since I didn’t to it how he wanted me to do it). I guess, we both got what we needed during our time together. We were both egoistic. And in retrospect, I have to simply accept that and move on. And know that next time, I’ll do better. Moving in with your boyfriend way too early is probably the worst thing you can do – I wouldn’t ever have done that under different circumstances. I guess that’s one of the things that made him change – he was absolutely sure he got me since I had nowhere else to go. He was sure that he doesn’t have to put any effort into this relationship and that he’s in the position to make me his maid, kind of. He knew that he’s the one in charge, and even though I was an asshole, he was the bigger one, because he misused this knowledge.

Anyways, to come to the second part of today’s #TimeToGrowUp post: new challenges. Of course, now, there’s my own place. I signed my first official tenancy contract. This is a big deal for me. And I want to stay here, so the even bigger challenge is to be able to pay for it. ;) I’m looking forward to starting my second job soon, which is really cool and for which I’ve already done a lot in advance. I survived my interview for the job (after surviving the first one on the phone – and if you know me, you know how much I hate phone calls, especially when it’s about business!) and I was horribly excited but they offered me the job and now I’m hoping to start until the end of this month. Keep your fingers crossed for me, okay? :) As soon as I got the job, I will tell you more about it, promise! I’m seriously excited to start, because I’m absolutely sure it’s gonna be fun, even though it’s surely not gonna be an easy one, but I wanna do it and the colleagues I got to know already, are all amazing!

December – what an exciting last month of 2018! And luckily, the month that saved my whole year, since I finally found a place to actually stay and settle down without an expiration date. When I moved back to Hamburg in July, I stayed with a friend but our agreement was that I can stay until December – funnily, she kind of threw me out one month earlier and I had to move in with a guy I was dating for only almost a month, in order not to be homeless (which is bad enough alone, but don’t forget my poor baby – how are you supposed to live on the street with a cat?). Not so fun fact (and I was actually saving this for my next #TTGU post, but it has to be told so you can understand the whole situation): I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I felt so bad about doing that selfish move, living with someone just for the sake of having a home. I felt like a proper asshole. But the relationship was really bad, it didn’t work between us and actually made me sick. Like really sick. Mentally and physically. I had to leave as soon as possible! But it wasn’t that easy – since I only had this mini job at the store, I didn’t have enough income in order to rent an apartment. Plus, my cat was always a problem for other people. But I finally found something at the beginning of December and – thank God! – it happened, and I found the nicest little room in an apartment I’m now sharing with two more people – but perfectly located in one of the nicest districts of Hamburg. And my cat is with me. Seriously: that was my Christmas miracle. I moved in on December 21st and couldn’t be happier. Even though I wasn’t able to visit my parents over Christmas and New Year’s Eve because nobody could take care of Spucki and I didn’t want him to go through hell on that 600km trip through Germany, just for a few days. So I spent Christmas and NYE alone, since both of my flatmates were up and away with their loved ones, and even if it was kind of weird (my first Christmas alone and without internet, which was the worst part of it – no Netflix!), it was absolutely okay.

So this was my happy story of December. There was also work and I met some friends, but also spent some evenings alone, out or at home, and I am genuinely happy. I thought the end of 2018 was gonna be really rough, but it ended perfectly and New Year’s Eve was such a relief, I actually cried for an hour straight, because I was so happy it was finally over. And now there’s 2019 to conquer. Let’s go!

It’s been very quiet. The last two months were very intense and I was almost giving up. I will write about this in my next #TTGU post, which I’ll be writing in the next days and hopefully publish soon. But first, let’s recap November (and then, there’s still a very exciting December recap ahead – plus my recap of 2018, which is probably gonna be very emotional). 

November started with work and my first work day on Sunday – it was fine for me, since I really like my job and it’s fun to be around fashion and people. I’ll continue my job at the Kurvenhaus Hamburg next year, but will add another one, hopefully starting in the middle of January. We also had our Christmas party in November and I’m happy to say that I’m part of such a lovely team and that I feel that I get along well with everybody. 

November also started with a doctor’s appointment I was very scared of. I had to see my gynecologist for a follow-up check because they had found some cell changes in April. I was very nervous but luckily, everything seems to be back to normal again. She did not confirm it, but maybe quitting the pill has kind of caused this little incident. Who knows. Anyways, I’m thankful that everything’s okay. And I’m just writing this, because I want to spread awareness: visiting your gyn is important. As well as checking your body, especially your breasts, regularly.

I was part of the jury for Vollkommen. Braut.’s model casting for their new bridal dress line, together with my dearest → Silvana Denker (who shot the pictures). We were even filmed, but unfortunately, the video isn’t available online anymore. But you can find all pictures → here! :)

And, of course, there’s the happiest day of November: the 26th, official day of my divorce and funnily, the day I got a new tattoo (actually two, but I’ve only shown one of them yet). I’m glad that everything’s finally over and I get the chance to move on without any worries. And with an amazing new tattoo by → rei.ink – she was the best choice ever for this little piece of art on my arm.

At the “Deutscher Bloggerpreis 2018” • Best sushi I’ve ever had at Matsumi • Having a Skin Gin G&T at the “Made in Hamburg” fair • New Tattoo(s)! • My favorite cocktail at the FONTENAY bar after a wonderful Christmas dinner with Ernsting’s family

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