luc ends

i have become

2012-01-26T20:48:00.000-05:00

i have become "that"mother
the one i swore i would not become
and my child is not even two.

despite what we have been through
as parents i have yet to turn into
a helicopter mom which is what some
would expect from someone who
has lost a child.

chace turns
two in a few weeks.
i have been planning his party
for a few weeks now.
this party planning has turned me
into "that" mother.

it is going to be over the top.
i am obsessed with the details.
i want them to be perfect.
the decorations, the favors, the food, the games
i think about it all no matter how big or small.

(i am beginning to think i should be a party planner.)

i was feeling a little awkward about it
maybe even a little guilty.
but then i stopped feeling bad and embraced it.

i know that chace wont remember his 2nd birthday party
and i recognize that this is about me and what i want.
there will come a day when he will tell me what kind
of party he wants, and of course i will comply
with the same attention to details.

but one thing i have learned from cooper
is that you have to treasure each moment,
celebrate each moment and live in each moment.

so it is in this spirit that i obsess about the party
that will celebrate the birth of our sweet chace.

silent

2012-01-25T20:53:00.000-05:00

it has been silent
here on this blog
for sometime.

to be honest
i didn't feel like writing
i didn't feel like i had anything to say.

no words of wisdom
no creativity
nothing funny
nothing sad.
no message.

it wasn't writers block
that i struggled with
there was plenty going on in my head.
i had no motivation to write.
i was in a deep dark blogging funk.

heck, i even thought about
never writing another blog post again.
i said thought about....

i have come to grips
with the fact that i am never
going to be a "famous" blogger.
nor am i going to support my family by blogging.
i am ok with that....
well, it would be nice to be famous.

when i started this blog, the purpose
was to heal, to share my journey
through grief with others.
along the way it organically grew into
a blog about grief, life, parenting,
and occasionally my creative ventures.

i was beginning to feel that it didn't matter anymore
that my story was insignificant and that i didn't have
a message to share.
i became very perfectionistic about my writing
rather than simply sharing my journey.

i am not going to lie.
i like comments.
i don't get comments anymore
and i read that as sign that no one was reading.

it hit me tonight
during downward facing dog
that i put up a wall.
a self imposed blogging wall.
and i needed to tear it down.
to get back to being unfiltered.
to being honest in my writing.

i need to write for the sake of writing
and maybe in that process something
i say will make sense to someone.
i need to be myself
and stop feeling the need to be the perfect blogger.

so i am making you this promise.
what i write on this here blog
will be honest, authentic, unfiltered
and most importantly
me.

love you all.

dear chace

2012-01-14T22:44:00.001-05:00

dear chace,

one month from today you will officially enter toddlerhood. this fact is hard for me to wrap my mind around. you are growing up so fast. i am busy planning your party. ok i am obsessively planning your party. i know that you will not remember your second birthday party, but in case you have your mama's memory, i want to make sure that it is an awesome party with lots of little details.

this month has been a big one for you. we have spent the last month in santa fe with yaya and pappous. you have had a grand time and have loved being the center of everyone's attention. i fear it has gone to your head a bit, but i also know that once we get back to your routine all will be well. you met your cousin finn and were a most excellent older cousin. you played nicely and shared your toys. you have met many new people and charmed them all. your vocabulary has exploded. i think that when you go back to school i will need to provide them a cheat sheet so that they know what you are saying. your favorite phrase is "the coyotes are outside." and you tell everyone one you see.

you spent alot of time with your uncle luke (kuka) and you absolutely adore him. he introduced you to wall-e on the computer and you were in love with this funny little robot. he built a train for you, showed you how to kick a ball, shared his ipad and even read you some stories.

christmas was great fun. your dad and i loved experiencing it through your eyes. particularly when santa showed up at the house christmas morning. you were in awe. you love all he books that he brought you and were so happy that he there was an owl and a cup waiting for you under the tree. we went on the polar express train ride. it took you a while to understand that we were on the train, but seeing the look on your face when you realized that you were on the train was priceless.

it has been a great month away from home, but i think that you will be glad to be back at school you have started talking about your friends at school recently. i know the routine will be good for you.

this past month has been so much for your dad and i. everyday you surprise us with a new word or phrase and we often just look at each other and shake or heads. even though you have had a few temper tantrums along the way, you remain a sweet and loving little boy who brings so much joy and happiness to our lives.

love you always
mama

a moment

2011-12-23T23:45:00.000-05:00

three years

2011-12-18T00:00:00.000-05:00

it is hard for me to believe
that it has been three years
since cooper died.

there are moments
when it feels like yesterday.
and then there are moments
when it feels like a life time ago.

i can still recall
all the tiny, minute details
of that morning.
of how our lives changed forever
in the time it took to get a cup of coffee.

i have learned alot over the last three years:
about myself, my family, my friends and strangers.
about the resiliency of the heart, its ability to expand, to heal,
and to love.
about grief, compassion and living an honest life.

grief and loss is not something that
you want to learn about.
you don't wake about and think
"i need to work on my ability to move through loss."

but the reality is that we all face loss at some point
in our lives.
we are never really ready for it.
and no matter what the loss is, it feels insurmountable.
it is smothering, constant, and will bring you to your knees.

i still believe that there are two ways
to deal with grief.
face it head on. look it square in the eye
and say i am choosing to live.
or
stick your head in the sand. be the victim.
and choose to live in darkness.

in the days after cooper's death
i couldn't see my future self, my future life or
my future son.
it was too painful.

i wanted the grieving and healing
to be fast, over, done with and tucked neatly on the shelf.
it didn't happen that way.

the first year was a daily battle.
we had a house full of baby stuff
and no baby.
i worked every single day
on learning to live without cooper.

the second year was full of missed moments.
every milestone chace hit, there was a sharp twinge
in my heart, saying "we missed this with cooper."
i realized that i could not live chace's whole life thinking
of might have been with cooper.
it wasn't fair.

this third year has been full of acceptance.
a gentle acceptance of what is.
i still get mad.
i still cry.
my heart still aches for my sweet boy.
but i am more at peace.

i attribute this to my yoga practice.
it is time that i give myself
to breathe, to work on myself.
to feel whatever it is i need to feel.
to laugh. to cry. to hurt. to sweat.
to just be.

finding this place of calm
was such an unexpected surprise.
it was cooper's cardiologist who
encouraged me to try yoga.
and i am so grateful.

on the rare occasions when our
mats next to each other it brings me peace.
our hearts beating together for coopers.

there are times at the end of the day
that i am tired and dont want to go to yoga.
but i know that it brings a calmness to my life that i need.
a healing that is gentle and steady like the breathe that guides the practice.
it connects my heart to my sons hearts', both cooper and chace.
and this helps me find a gentle acceptance of what is,
even if only for a few moments.

each year since cooper's death has brought
a greater understanding of myself,
made me a better parent, friend, daughter and spouse.
though my heart will always be scarred, it does to continue
to heal and to mend, slowly.

dear chace

2011-12-14T20:09:00.001-05:00

dear chace.

you are now two months away from two years old. and to be honest with you, you are beginning to act like you are already two. i understand why they call it the terrible twos. when you don't get your way, you know how to turn on the tantrum. holy all out temper tantrum. you throw yourself on the floor, kick, hit, throw whatever is in your path. i try to ignore you but sometime i just want to laugh at you. i am not sure where you get your temper. (haha) what i do love about this age, is that you don't hold a grudge. as soon as you are finished expressing your displeasure you return to your happy, sweet little self.

in the last month you have turned into a little magpie. you repeat whatever you hear us say. you are putting words together in small sentences, which makes communication between us much easier. we can actually have a conversation.

while you don't really understand christmas, or maybe you do understand. you certainly know who santa is and love asking "where santa?". when i ask you what you want santa to bring you, you reply "owl and a cup". hopefully santa will deliver. i can not wait to see the wonderment in your eyes on christmas morning.

you continue to thrive in school. after two days of being home sick, upon returning to school, you ran into the classroom and shook ms. gerrie's hand. i love it that you have taken such an interest in learning and that you love school so much. i love it when you apply what what you are learning in school to life at home. it makes us feel good about your academic environment.

we head to yaya and pappous on monday. you are going to meet your younger cousin for the first time. i am not sure how you will feel about sharing your grandparents, but i think you will learn to love finn.
we are hoping to take you to the ski area and have you play in the snow. your dad is itching to get you on skis. you do love watching ski videos with your dad, so i feel pretty confident that you will take to the slopes.

this time of year is hard for your dad and i, but you make it bearable. you bring such joy into our lives and for that we are thankful.

happy 22 months sweet boy.

love you
mama

tuesday tidbits

2011-12-13T19:52:00.000-05:00

** chace loves eggnog.

** i think this is really funny.

** but what is funnier is the way he says it.

** i wish it would snow.

** we decorated gingerbread houses today with hayden, cole and amy.

** well, lets be honest. amy and i decorated the houses.

** the kids consumed lots of sugar.

** chace has a horrible diaper rash.

** it is his first diaper rash.

** ever.

** tonight is pizza night.

** have you seen "homeland" on showtime?

** it is awesome.

** we have watched the entire season in less than a week.

** chace wants an owl and a cup from santa.

** i have to go to the post office tomorrow.

** i am dreading it.

** pizza is calling.

** happy tuesday.

green monday

2011-12-12T12:32:00.001-05:00

did you know that today is green monday?
i had no idea, until i watched the news last night.
according to those who study consumer trends
today is one of the biggest online retail days of the year.

who knew?

so in honor of green monday.
i am offering you a chance to do some
online retail therapy in the lucends shop.
use the coupon code "greenmonday"
and receive 15% off your order.

today only!
happy green monday.

a handshake

2011-12-11T20:32:00.001-05:00

chace has the handshake down pat.
he even will look you in the eye
while he is shaking your hand.

this is how he starts and ends
his time at montessori every single day
and i love it.

there is nothing that i hate
more than a weak handshake
or someone who does not look
you in the eye while shaking your hand.

so, i am thrilled that my son
is learning this skill early in life.
when he meets someone new
he sticks out his hand to shake it.

even being in awe of seeing santa
in the flesh did not throw him off.
nope, he just stuck out his hand,
like he sees santa every day.

parenting moment

2011-12-07T19:33:00.001-05:00

there are a few messages
that keep recurring in my yoga practice:
living your truth, being honest
with where you are and being vulnerable.

i am trying to take my practice
off my mat, to use what
i learn in class and
apply it to life outside the yoga studio.

today, no the few days,
i have been presented with
this opportunity.

incidentally, this opportunity
happens to coincide with one my
less than stellar parenting moments.

chace has been sick.
forever.
and forever.
we went back to the doctor monday
and were given an antibiotic.

this medicine has turned my child
into a a very grouchy child.
he only wants ph and
throws himself on the floor
when i come near him.

he wants nothing to do with me.

i am trying not to get
my feelings hurt,
but i am.

i am jealous that ph
is the only one that can console him.

i feel useless.
there is no division of labor.
it is all falling squarely
on the shoulders of ph.

last night, chace was up
every two hours
( we switched medicine today)
but the only one who could
settle him down was ph.

because i feel hurt, jealous and useless
i am losing patience.

what happened to my sweet happy go lucky child?
when will this end?
when will i have my toddler back.?

like i said, not my most stellar of parenting moments.
but i am trying to take my practice off my mat.
to be vulnerable, honest and live my truth.

this is my truth this week.
and i am learning to take it
one breath at a time.

tuesday tidbits

2011-12-06T16:30:00.001-05:00

** it is very quiet around our house without b.

** i miss him so much.

** and though it was the right decision, the humane decision, i cant believe he is gone.

** i am methodically working through my custom order list.

** i am looking forward to doing some sewing for me, someday.

** c has been home from school for the last two days.

** i feel like we are going to be sick until april.

** we leave in two weeks.

** i can not wait to be at my parents.

** we will be there for a entire month.

** i got the lucends shop undated.

** feel free to holiday shop.

** it is hard to believe that we have not had snow.

** this makes it feel very "unchristmas" like.

** but i am trying to get in the holiday mood.

** i have an auction meeting.

** did i mention that i am making a quilt to be auctioned off that includes the hand prints of all 93 children?

** i think it is going to be awesome but a big undertaking.

** that project will use up all my parent participation hours!

** we have to do 30 a year.

** hope you are having a happy tuesday.

big hunk

2011-12-04T19:58:00.001-05:00

i am sure you saw
the american express
small business saturday commercial?

did you know
that some of the businesses
on the commercial are located in austin?
they may have all been,
but i know two were.

when i was in austin
luke and i went to
the big top candy shop.

it was amazing.
there was every kind
of candy imaginable.

candy old and new.
candy from your childhood.
whatever your age may be.
candy by the pound.
candy too pretty or cool to eat.

if it hadn't been so crowded
i could have spent all day in there
and a lot of money on sugar.

i managed to snap
a pic of the big hunk candy bar.
this is not my favorite kind of candy,
but it is a significant part of my past.

you see, when i was a senior in high school.
some one threw said candy bar
from the top of the bleachers
and it hit me in the bag of the head
requiring 3 stitches and an afternoon off from school.

maybe i should keep some
in my house in case
i need to hit someone on the back of the head.

in photos

2011-12-03T19:01:00.001-05:00

love you B.
you will be missed.
i hope there is lots of snow in your next life.
our lives will not be the same without you.
xoxo

renegade in texas

2011-12-01T21:44:00.001-05:00

renegade craft fair in austin
was awesome.
it was handmade texas style.

the vendors were amazing.
the venue was perfect.
the customers were charming.
there was beer and wine served.
my neighbors were so much fun.
the production staff was out of this world.

look at the company
i was in....

becka spellman makes the coolest kids clothes.
i picked up a shirt for chace.

aviva kleiner has the most beautiful felt and beaded hair pieces.
it made me wish my hair was long.

lisa chow creates whimsical drawings by hand.
luke and i came brought home three.

jamie kelsch creates jewelry that is hip, simple and elegant.
there were several pieces i want.

and

leah duncan creates fabric to drool over.
she has a line of fabric coming out in february with anthology fabrics.

this was just the tip of the iceburg.
these ladies were in booths next to me.
if you have a chance to attend a renegade craft fair
you should go.
no, run.
you will not regret it.

i can not wait
for the opportunity to
be in this company again.

2011-11-29T16:55:00.001-05:00

** i am glad to be home.

** renegade craft fair was awesome.

** i will post more tomorrow.

** chace is giving me the cold shoulder.

** he is all about dada.

** i made cookies today.

** one slid off the sheet and burned in the oven.

** our house smells like burned cookie.

** yoga tonight.

** my body needs it.

** i will be updating the shop tonight and tomorrow.

** just in time for holiday shopping.

** i am ready for cold weather.

** i forgot how cool austin is.

** shiner bock has a holiday beer out.

** it was so tasty.

** i think it is called "cheer" or maybe "merry"

** i caught up with lots of cousins while in austin.

** it made me wish i didn't live so far away.

** i need a new pair of cowboy boots.

** happy tuesday.

dear cooper

2011-11-27T20:20:00.000-05:00

my dear sweet precious cooper,

happy birthday sweet boy. today, you would have turned three years old. some days, it is so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that i will write you letters on your birthday that you will never read, that i imagine what you would be like, and who you would become. i miss you every single day and more than i can stand on your birthday.

i wonder what kind of birthday party you would be having? what would be your favorite gift? who your friends would be? would you want a chocolate or vanilla cake? there are so many questions i have, that i will never know the answers.

i do get a glimpse of you in your brother. he has a bit of a temper, a stubborn streak that you showed to us in your short life. whenever it comes out, i just chuckle and recognize it as you checking in. but make no mistake, you two are very different children and have very different personalities. i am reminded of this daily.

this summer, i started practicing yoga. when i began, i never thought it would bring me closer to you. but every time i step on my mat, i feel your heart connected to mine, an invisible string pulling us together. it is time that i need, it has created a sacred space and has helped me heal on a deeper level.

today, i am in austin at a craft show. your uncle luke is here with me. it is a pretty big deal that i was accepted. and despite the fact that i am focused on selling, you are with me, on my mind. after all, lucends exist because of you. i started sewing because of you and i keep creating to honor you and the gift you gave me.

happy birthday.
i love and miss you each and every day.

xoxo
mama

lucends on the road

2011-11-25T20:18:00.000-05:00

lucends is going on the road,
going home,
back to my roots.

if you are in austin
this weekend,
stop by, say hello,
do some holiday shopping
and support handmade.

xoxo

tradition

2011-11-24T13:07:00.001-05:00

being the type a personality
that i am, i love tradition.
particularly, around the holidays.
there is comfort in the familiar.
knowing that year to year the rituals
for the most part stay the same.

sure i look forward to creating
new traditions with ph and chace.
but there are certain family rituals
that i wanted to share with him,
to watch him experience, see through his eyes
and live for himself.

for 38 years the texas-texas a&m football game
has been a part of our thanksgiving day tradition.
it didn't really matter who won the game, because being
a house divided, there was always a winner and a loser.
the point is that we would gather around the tv cheer or curse
and just be together.

tonight is the last game in a storied college football rivalry.
a rivalry between two school who embody tradition.

one of the greatest rivalries
in college football is coming to an end
because texas a&m ( my alma matter) is heading to the SEC.
i am sure that many factors came into play,
but lets be honest, this move was motivated by money, not tradition.

this makes me sad.
ph and chace will not get to experience
this tradition first hand.
to stand in a stadium full of 100,000 fans.
to feel the bleachers shake.
to watch each school take pride and tradition
to the field for bragging rights.

many generations of future students will
have to listen to family members reflect on
a time when the two great universities met
on the football field on thanksgiving day.
they will not be able to live the tradition
for themselves.

and after all.
tradition is about living the experience.

holiday rush

2011-11-23T13:50:00.001-05:00

this weekend marks
the beginning of the holiday season.
although, the stores would like
you to believe that it began,
well before halloween.

there was a time
that i welcomed the
official start to the holidays.

now, i don't get
my holiday rush until
the 19th of december.
then i am fully immersed
in holiday cheer.

today, friends and family
are traveling, cooking, preparing
and being together.

for me, today is just another day.
with the exception that ph has the day off
and chace did not have school.
it doesn't feel like thanksgiving.

tomorrow, friends and family
will cook, eat, gather, and tell stories.
tomorrow ph and i will reflect,
be together, hold our sons close,
and go through the motions of thanksgiving.

while cooper's birthday is not until sunday.
i associate thanksgiving with his birth,
making it a much more emotion filled day.

a day filled with gratitude, reflection, heartache,
joy, hope, and thankfulness that despite a loss so great
our family is still standing.

tuesday tidbits

2011-11-22T17:02:00.001-05:00

** chace only wants to eat cereal.

** cereal breakfast, lunch and dinner.

** i am headed to yoga in a bit.

** today is my mama's birthday.

** we booked our tickets to go home for xmas.

** we will be gone for a month.

** i am a bundle of emotions.

** excited, sad, nervous, grateful, hurting, happy, anxious, and joyful.

** you name it, i am feeling it.

** i am in the home stretch with products.

** currently, i have 139 items that are heading to austin for the show.

** i can not believe i leave friday am.

** i am excited to hang out with my brother for the weekend.

** i have a growing list of holiday orders for when i return home.

** i i have never been away from chace for more than 1 night.

** ok, i have only been away from him once.

** it does not feel like the holidays outside.

** i am ready for snow.

** i can not believe i said that out loud.

** happy tuesday.

favorite

2011-11-17T22:37:00.001-05:00

ph and i don't have
alot of pictures together.
this i because the camera
is usually in my hands.

this picture is my favorite.
it was taken by my brother
with an old polaroid.
i was 6 months pregnant
with cooper and we were all
having lunch by the lake.

it hangs on my bulletin board
in my sewing room.
i was looking at it the
other day and it struck
me, how young we look.

there are less grey hairs
there are less wrinkles.
there is an air of lightness
joy and hope.
we are not yet members of "the club"
and our hearts have yet to break.

but, i love it still....

a moment

2011-11-16T14:57:00.001-05:00

tuesday tidbits

2011-11-15T14:17:00.001-05:00

**i finally feel like sewing again after my awful cold.

** this is a good thing because i leave in 10 days for austin.

**so i will be burning the midnight oil to get things made.

** i am trying not to add any more "new" products.

** but this is hard.

** chace likes pomegranate seeds.

** go figure.

** please explain to me why i am 5 pounds heavier since starting yoga.

** this disturbs me.

** i get my haircut tonight.

** it is a shaggy mess.

** ready for it to be grown out already.

** i am shipping the majority of my inventory to my brother tomorrow.

** he is driving it to austin for NC.

** yay, kuca!

** chace has not been a good napper lately.

** ok, back to work.

** happy tuesday.

dear chace

2011-11-14T16:21:00.001-05:00

my dear sweet chace,

today, on your 2st1 month birthday you are full of piss and vinegar. i don't mean this in a bad way, it's just that well, you have discovered your voice, your will, and your wants. today has been a battle of wills between the two of us. luckily, they are short moments and then you go back to being my sweet boy. the one that says "please" and "thank you." i should not be surprised by your strong will, you come by it honestly. your tantrums are not mean spirited, you just want what you want when you want it. i get it, really i do.

we had a meeting with your teacher at school. she says that you are doing well. she always indicated that you might have some type a tendencies. again, i am not surprised. she says that you get frustrated when you can not complete a task or do it correctly. we have noticed this at home, as well. these tendencies will be your greatest asset as well as your greatest weakness. your vocabulary has exploded.you say new words daily and put several words together.

you are an outdoors boy. i think need to get you some serious outdoor gear because i have a feeling we will be spending a great deal of time outdoors this winter. we will be spending a month in santa fe and your dad and i plan to have you on the ski mountain playing in the snow. apparently, you and your dad watch ski porn when i am not around. he says you are ready for the white stuff.

the whole house has been sick this past month. it seemed to be harder on your parents than you. i continue to be amazed at how happy you are. you truly exude joy and this is such a gift, not only for us as your parents but for those you encounter. this is the time of year that your brother is heavy on my mind and heart, but then i look at you and it is hard to be sad for long. you are the healing that we all needed. you are one of cooper's many gifts to us and for that i am so grateful.

each day with you continues to be an adventure and a privilege.

thank you.

xoxo
mama

leaves

2011-11-13T20:25:00.001-05:00

this week we finally
had a really hard frost.
this means that all the leaves
on our trees fell at once.
our yard was one huge blanket of leaves.

growing up in west texas
we had changes of seasons,
but they were subtle.
they were not nearly as
marked as they are here in the northeast.

i dont have a great deal
of memories of raking leaves
and jumping in the piles.
heck, we didnt have very many trees in our yard.

the one memory i do have
is when we lived in central texas.
we had a huge pecan tree in our front yard.
my brothers and i played in the leaves from
that tree for hours.

i think jumping in piles of leaves is
a right of passage for childhood.

yesterday, ph and chace
spent some time in the leaves.
not much raking was completed.
but there were lots of laughter.