Luke Milton Writes

Dudes!

2012-01-29T19:26:00.000+08:00

Dudes! What are you even doing here!? Don't you know I'm posting like a maniac at www.fruitlesspursuits.com ?

Model Shoot #40: Bunny.

2011-11-30T17:08:00.000+08:00

Last week I got the opportunity to do a follow up shoot with Minx who previously appeared in the Trashdolls shoot. We improvised with what we had and put some fun stuff together. Here's a very small taste, but you can see more at my photography site Luke Milton Shoots. Be warned though that some are NSFW.

Model Shoots #32 - 38: Trashdolls.

2011-11-20T21:52:00.000+08:00

So last weekend I had a rare and unique opportunity. I was invited to shoot some profile images for Trashdolls, a new alt model site based in Melbourne that will be launching next month. I spend seven hours in a city hotel shooting a variety of awesome models in a variety of set ups and locations. It was a great challenge for me and I'm really thrilled with the huge amount of work that came out of it (it would normally take me about five weeks to get this much unique stuff) so I'm hugely grateful to Luna and Dolly for giving me the chance (And Lizzi for setting it up). Also a huge thanks to everyone I met throughout the day.

Here's just a small taste of what was shot. I'll give you more details as the site launches.

Dolly Trash.

Babycakes.

Lizzi Rocket Valentine, Lavary, Esther.

Minx.

Lavary.

Bambi Leigh.

Model Shoot # 31: Bearskinner.

2011-11-16T17:59:00.000+08:00

And here's another recent shoot, this time a collaboration with model Justine Ruffles. I actually felt really guilty about what happened to the bear. I am so sorry. I felt worse when the lady I bought it from patted it on the head and waved goodbye to it like it was going to a good home. I am a terrible person. But I'll make up for it somehow.

Here's a taste of what we shot:

And as always, you can find more at my photography site LMShoots. (The rest of the shoot is NSFW)

Now you're caught up on my last two home shoots, but I had an epic day of shooting this past Saturday at a hotel with seven different models. It's for an upcoming launch and I think that they are among the best photos I've ever taken - it was certainly good to break out of my cave and photograph in the real world. As soon as I can share some of those with you, I will!

Model Shoot #30: Reader.

2011-11-16T17:47:00.001+08:00

I need to catch up on a couple of recent shoots that I've been remiss in posting! First up is a shoot that I did with an old friend Jackie, where we took my old MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers and completely pull it apart and devoured it over the course of the shoot. It was like the final cap on my days at university. I also photographed her reading one of my favourite books of all time - a very special edition of Tom Robbin's Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates (which I heartily recommend). Needless to say, no harm came to this sacred tome.

Here's a mere taste of the bounty we shot...

And I'll put a couple extra on my photography site LMShoots. Be warned that the site is NSFW although this set is not.

I've done a lot more since then, so I'll see you back here very soon!

Book Was Better Podcast #6! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

2011-11-08T17:54:00.000+08:00

If you're wondering where on earth I've been, then you may not have gotten the memo that I'm mostly posting on my mega pop culture site Fruitless Pursuits (where I've posted just shy of 200 articles since August). If you enjoy this site, then I can't stress enough that you should head over there and see all that myself, and ten other fine contributors have to offer. It's a party that rages ALL THE TIME. (An admittedly lame party. But a medium to fair pop culture news and review site).

But before you do that, did you know that Jess McLeod and I have released another fine Book Was Better Podcast, this time about the novelisation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Here's what Jess says about it on the official site...

Do you LOVE BEING A TURTLE?!? So do we, so this episode we're talking about the novelisation of that beloved classic, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. THRILL as Raphael questions his sanity! GASP as April walks around naked! SCRATCH YOUR HEAD as we discover that Casey Jones doesn't like violence! TURTLE POWER!
Special thanks to Friend of the Show Campbell Whyte, kick-ass artist and Man of Taste, who lent us this fine book!

Download here (Click to stream, right-click to save).

Hosts: Jessica McLeod and Luke Milton

Luke here again, and you may also want to catch-up on our Species episode if you haven't already, because I think I was too lazy to post it here.

AND also today marks the 100th page of Glorious Bounty. There's a HUGE reveal so check it out HERE.

Love you. Now go to Fruitless Pursuits!

Model Shoot #29: Wonder.

2011-10-24T20:09:00.001+08:00

It's been a couple of weeks but finally a new shoot (I did have some planned in the interim but they were all postponed - always difficult to get everybody's schedule right). Once again I had the pleasure of working with burlesque performer Duchess Silk who recently appeared as Doctor Who in Model Shoot #27. At the time we'd discussed the possibility of shooting the following images in the future, and this was our chance to make it a reality. Although I did need to learn how to hog-tie on the Internet.

Here's our tribute to Wonder Woman's shaky comic book history of being tied up all the time!

And here's a couple of extras we did at the same time...

I have two more shoots in the next two weeks (both with new models) so expect more soon!

The C-List Podcast Episode 16: C-List Comic Character Crossover!

2011-10-14T20:15:00.000+08:00

After a mysterious hiatus, The C-List Podcast returns with guns blazing and many jaws yapping! Yes, for the first time ever, Mike Taylor and I have guest stars! Here's the description, straight from our official site:

"In this very special episode we are joined by Mladen and Kris, hosts of brilliant Australian comics podcast Extra Sequential! We throw our usual format out the window, and instead of talking about movies, we discuss and mock a cavalcade of crappy C-List characters from Marvel and DC's shady past. Our four-way conference call may have our audio quality straining, but you will not want to miss learning about colourful character such as: mystical midget Puck, the sensational (and possibly feral) squirrel girl, and a mental organism designed only for killing. (Not "kissing" or "knitting" as we soon discovered. You'd be a stupid idiot to miss our biggest episode yet!"

DOWNLOAD it now at The C-List Podcast!

Hosts: Mike and Luke, with special guests Mladen Luketin and Kris Bather
Run Time: 01.15:58
Original Music by The Data Parade
To hear more from Kris and Mladen, check out their podcast at Extra Sequential.

The Book Was Better Podcast: Episode 4, High School Musical!

2011-10-12T08:28:00.002+08:00

Yes! Jessica McLeod and I return for a brand, spanking new The Book Was Better podcast and we are seriously, actually, I-shit-you-not-ingly talking about the NOVELISATION of Disney tween song and dance extravaganza High School Musical! Will dreamy b-baller Troy become the first person ever to be good at two different things? Get your head in the game and find out! Here's what Jess says:

"If you love musicals for their clunky, wooden dialogue and threadbare characterisation but hate the music, you'll love the novelisation of inexplicable pop culture phenomenon High School Musical! Join us as we take a book that is meant for people under the age of 10 and ruin it for everyone. If you are under 18, please don't listen. Seriously. We're terrible people."

Grab it from the official site.

Hosts: Jessica McLeod and Luke Milton
Run Time: 53:30

Model Shoot #28: Baby Oil.

2011-10-05T17:03:00.000+08:00

After a bit of a break, I am getting back into these shoots in a big way, with a quite a few on my slate for the coming weeks. This one was a really fun shoot with good friend Tegan who was last seen in Model Shoot #8. This was a very spontaneous shoot with very little planning - and a quick dash to a late night supermarket - to result in some really fun and unexpected stuff. She's still one of my favourite people to shoot with!

Here's a taste of what we shot:

I'll also add a couple more to my photography site Luke Milton Shoots. (Site is NSFW but these new photos are not).

DC Reboot Review: The Dark Knight #1, Superman #1, Aquaman #1, The Flash #1, Savage Hawkman #1

2011-10-03T13:32:00.000+08:00

If you missed my last lot of DC reviews on Fruitless Pursuits then there were a LOT of them. Here's the ten you missed....

Remember how last week's releases got the timid, wholesome fanboys all in a prudish tizzy because of the overt sexuality of both Catwoman and Starfire? Well, we can all relax! This week DC makes amends for its depiction of women by giving Batman a new strong female villain, The White Rabbit...

See?! Nothing to get upset about! Join me after the jump where I'll make with the sexy talk and tell you everything that went down. There will be spoilers, but we're going to have a lot of fun!

Batman: The Dark Knight #1:

I promised to make with the sexy, so let's start with a quick debrief of the infamous Batman/Catwoman tryst shown in Catwoman #1. I've kept myself amused by reading outraged "OMG THIS RUINS EVERYTHING, I WAS PHYSICALLY SICK YOU GUYS! SEX IN A COMIC? UNBELIEVABLE!" comments all over the Internet, but what I really want to address here is the so-called "sex" itself. Take a deep breath everyone...

They did not have sex. Catwoman is wearing a skin-tight rubber jumpsuit with a zipper that ends about an inch below her navel. And she was still wearing it all the way through the scene. Trust me, it is impossible to have sex with someone wearing such a garment as described. Female anatomy just does not work that way. It's almost like some of you guys have circled around the building but never found the entrance. So, continue with your prude-cries, but please stick to the facts as your stomach churns. Catwoman was giving Batman what we, in the business, call "a hand shandy". And her suit was actually very practical in this regard because rubber is totally easy to wipe clean.

Okay, so I'm talking about all that in my "review" for The Dark Knight #1 because not much of interest happens in it. This the fourth (?) solo Batman title of the month and is clearly the one where Batman treads water through no discernible story. It lacks the brazen audacity of Detective Comics, the character of Batman and Robin, or the coherence of Batman.

Bruce Wayne gets all yap-yap-yap while making grandiose speeches about Gotham that I feel like we already saw in an earlier book. He is surrounded by doting escorts who hang off his arms, is then propositioned by a sexy stranger who is there to raise funds for charity but seems more keen to bang him, and then he suits up for an Arkham breakout and finds himself looking up the "very important date" of the White Rabbit. Then it wraps up with some EXTREEEEME silliness with a hulked-out version of a well-known bad guy.

You have far better options for Batman. I was just about to say that I'm going to drop this one - but who am I kidding - we're going to have too much once the White Rabbit is fully in the spotlight. I'm dying to know what threat a tiny, near-naked, waif-like Playboy bunny can pose to a muscular, teched-out, psychotic Batman. I'm hoping she hypnotises people with her ass!

Superman #1:

This one wasn't over quickly, but only because the characters won't stop talking! There are pages where panels upon panels of tiny talking heads, crushed under the weight of their own engorged speech bubbles, vie desperately for your attention. As the cover suggests, this is the fully-suited established Superman as opposed to the jeans and T-shirt super-dickish Superman of Action #1. And he does get to have a bit of an extra-terrestrial punch-up here, but the bulk of the issue is riveting soap-boxing about the newspaper industry. Print is dead. Here's why!

Writer George Perez kinda' tries to make this Superman a dick, but is not nearly as successful. In fact, for me, the writing is really kind of weak in this issue as a whole. Clark writes an article about the whole incident - which is integrated into the action via a series of captions - and all he really does is prove that he's a shitty journalist. His article reads like a cross between a child's storybook and a turgid fan fic, with some truly terrible thesaurus-molesting sentences. "The firefighters continued to battle the Astrodome fire, but as hard as they tried, the conflagration continued to rage unabated". And the crazy: "The fire creature pointed at the Man of Steel, its language still a Tower of Babel of indecipherability."

Apparently in the old DCU Superman and Lois were married, but in this one Clark turns up at her apartment and she is about to get hot and heavy with a shirtless mean-looking blonde prick who totally emasculates Clark and sends him packing. If you enjoyed the arrogant dick Superman of Action, you really won't enjoy the totally limp-dicked mopey Clark Kent of Superman #1. Although I did find it pretty funny.

Superman #1 is a Tower of Babel of indecipherability.

Aquaman #1:

I know what you're thinking. "Aquaman is a stupid character who talks to the fishes and is completely useless against any threat that doesn't involve an octopus. And he probably rides a seahorse." Well, guess what, that's exactly what writer Geoff Johns knows you're thinking too, and he decides to put all that mockery to the forefront and have Aquaman address it in this issue.

An increasingly grim Aquaman has an adventure in the city while facing all sorts of cruel jibes from gawking passers-by culminating in one brash asshole (designed to represent you and I) who writes for a blog and asks A-Man all sorts of sarcastic questions about what a useless shit he is. It's all diffused when Aquaman essentially threatens him with his trident, evoking the time-honoured American tradition of: "I am completely vindicated of all criticism if I am in a position to beat you up."

I admit, I bought Aquaman purely for snarky laffos, and Johns should be commended for turning it all around on me with his own snarky laffos. It's a solid, coherent first issue which does a great job of setting things up for a clueless noob like me. There's origin flashbacks, we meet Aquaman's Little Mermaid wife and there's some romantic soap-opera style kissing in front of a lighthouse (by a married couple let's not forget) which should hopefully warm hearts and ease any residual angst left by Catwoman's hasty five knuckle shuffle.

Well played, Johns. Gonna' give you this one. I liked that you made all the jokes before we could!

The Flash #1:

This is also a very serviceable first issue with a tight story, stylish art, and a likeable lead. It's not especially memorable, and might not pack the punch of other books, but it's a good beginning, and actually pretty all-ages friendly. Up against a slew of torture porn, torn out throats, blood vomiting, and dry-humping, The Flash really is a bright spot amid a flood of dark releases. By the end of it, a solid mystery is building and I'm not sure whether I'll stick with it or not, but it has relatively piqued my interest.

But I have very little more to say about it!

Savage Hawkman #1:

And here is my least favourite book of the week so far. I've already made it clear that the New DCU is largely populated by dickish heroes, and Savage Hawkman might just be the biggest dick of the bunch. He might even be a bigger dick than Hawk from Hawk and Dove, and by god, he grimaces just as much! If he clenched his teeth any harder he would shit his spine.

As the story opens, the cliche-spouting Carter Hall is SO SICK of being Hawkman that he not only sets his costume on fire, but he SHOOTS IT WITH A GUN. This causes the costume to lash out and consume him, and now - whenever trouble brews - the freshly parasitic costume envelopes him and turns him into a raging asshole. He honestly says these exact things: (in a full page shot while posing and grimacing) "You want a piece of this?! Come and get it!" and "Born and bred in the U.S. of A!" and "And I'll show it my gratitude by whoopin' some tail!"

I don't know what I find harder to believe. That a grown-man would say things like "whoopin' some tail!" or that a grown man would write it in a comic and think that it was badass. There's not a single thing to like about this character. Comically, at the end of the issue, as a grimacing alien grasps a grimacing Hawkman we get the caption "Next: Hawkman succumbs to Morphicus?" earnestly raising the question as though people will genuinely give a shit.

Definitely not for me.

The Fury of Firestorm #1:

Firestorm sure is furious!.. And now I think I know why.

Look, I really do go into these books as a blank slate. I promise you. I have no preconceptions about these books or their creators. I've spent real money on every single one I've reviewed (via the Comixology app on the iPad) so I really do want to enjoy everything I purchase. And there's at least fifteen books so far that I'll be continuing with to issue 2. I don't even really look at the creative team who's involved until after I've read it (unless it's obvious - cough - Liefeld -cough) so imagine my genuine shock and surprise to realise that ther regrettably wretched Firestorm was written by Gail Simone!

I'm not familiar with Ms. Simone's writing, but I have heard a lot of praise for it. She's well respected among fans so I'm really expecting to read something great from her. And I have no doubt that she's written many great things. But for me, at least, Firestorm certainly isn't one of them. I had mixed feelings about Gail's Batgirl, but that wasn't for lack of craft - more the fact that the story just wasn't for me. On a first read, however, I was convinced that Firestorm was written by a teenage intern. It has that frustratingly uneven fan-fic feeling where not a single word of the contrived dialogue rings true and it is so tonally all over the place that I really am shocked that it was written by a professional. That's harsh, I know, so give me a chance to justify it...

Firestorm is actually two guys. One is white. One is black. One wears red. One wears yellow. One's a jock. One's a nerd. One has a single dad. One has a single mom. The list goes on. The only thing they have in common is that they're both douches and they hate each other. Their difference is a strong theme of the book, and I can respect and understand the choice to structure it like this, but it's so heavy-handed and contrived in execution that you'll feel like you're being battered across the head with it. It has a cheesy high school setting and the way the characters carry on it feels more like the missing link between Saved by the Bell and High School Musical (with threats of violence and childish insults instead of singing). Okay - so clearly these broad and obnoxious high school stereotypes aren't for me - but I am a bitter adult. If this book is intended for young teens then no harm no foul, right?

But no. Because that's where the book is so tonally odd. There's a group of casual terrorists who are interspersed into the story who graphically murder without emotion or regret. They slit a father's throat in front of his wife, young son and younger daughter (before shooting them all), they torture a scientist, and finally storm the high school, shooting a teacher at point-blank. So it's not a book for kids, then. Then seriously, who the fuck is it for, because the main storyline is so embarrassingly childish that I can't imagine it striking any chord with an adult, but the violence and disdain for life is far more abhorrent, detached, and without consequence, than your average R rated action film. FROM THE EIGHTIES OR NINETIES. It's a repetitive cycle of: "Hey isn't this cool! Throat slitting! Badass!" "Hey look! Snarky teenagers! Humorous!" "OMG you guys! Torture! Shocking!" "Now a very special comic about race relations!"

And the dialogue is terrible! When the teacher is shot the terrorist actually says, "No more teacher's dirty looks!" So if we're going to see yet another school shooting then I guess we may as well have a laugh!

And the thing is that the cold, home-invading killers was exactly what Simone used back in Batgirl to try to elicit... something? Emotion? Shock? Tension? But it's all so hollow. It all feels so easy. Like a mad libs of villainy!"

"Masked/armoured/trench-coat-wearing thugs/mercs/crazies smash into a suburban home and kill/rape/torture/terrorise the distraught father/mother/grandmother/child/baby/puppy with a knife/chainsaw/garden hose/ice cream scoop and it is shocking/edgy awesome. Meanwhile plucky/obnoxious/smug superhero is being snarky/high-larious!/arrogant/aggressive in a domestic situation and is 100% focused on their own Narcissistic problems that are miniscule/tiny/fucking ridiculous by comparison."

Look you guys! We're writing modern comics!

During the shooting at the school Whitey McWhiteyson and Blacky McBlackerson uses a scientific mcguffin to unexpectedly turn into twin Firestorms! Whaaaa!? Now with superpowers (flight and fire by the looks of it) do they turn their powers on the murderers that are currently wiping out their school? Nope! They fight each other because NERDS HATE JOCKS, YOU GUYS. Yes, in the most outlandish act of dickery to been seen in the New DCU (and that's really saying something) the two of them continue their childish insults and duke it out - ignoring the shooters completely. Holy. Shit.

I hope that Gail Simone has a cat, and this was just the result of it walking all over her keyboard while she went and made coffee. By far the worst of the bunch.

Green Lantern New Guardians #1:

I haven't had a lot of love for the Green Lantern books so far, but I must admit that New Guardians - while not wonderful - at least featured a story that intrigued me.

This book focuses on Kyle Rainer who is pretty much Hal Jordan but with black hair. It's also worth noting that he has some of the filthiest hair I've ever seen rendered in a comic. Make no mistake, Rainer is also an arrogant, cocky, cock, and I have no love for him, but I did enjoy the events that were happening around him.

I'm lost on how this all came to be, but their other coloured Lanterns running rogue across the universe. We see a Yellow Lantern, a Red Lantern and a Pink Lantern (among others) all of which are mysteriously abandoned and left for dead by their sentient rings who head off to find their new owner. Who are they looking for? (SPOILERS) The unsuspecting and oblivious douchebag Kyle, of course, who is shocked at the onslaught of flying rings and the angry crowd of Lanterns that are close behind it. It ends there but I genuinely wanted to know more about why this was happening and what it was all about. (END SPOILERS- Although it's all shown on the cover).

I don't want to get you over-hyped about this all. It's a mild success. It still features all the New DCU tropes we've come to expect. A sleazy, self-centred, snarky protagonist. Full body shots of women in very little clothing posing for the camera. Indecipherable goings on. But this late in the game I will take what I can get!

I, Vampire #1:

You may be somewhat relieved to learn that the worst thing about I, Vampire is that hideous cover. The interior art actually has a lot more atmosphere and style, more akin to a dreary-looking Hellboy than anything else. A lot of elements are clearly traced over photos, so it does have that occasional stiffness and emptiness to it, but it's not terrible, and when it gets creative (like when we see the hulked-out wolf form) it actually works.

That said, story wise it's really a pastiche of many, many other vampire stories that you've heard before, and I'll be surprised if it garners much ongoing interest. A couple have been pushing back and forth for decades - she's a vampire who wants to be bad, and he's a vampire (I think?) who wants to be good. It's confusing at times and it never really grabbed me, but I'm sure it's someone out there's thing.

Teen Titans #1:

I think I'm just going to accept that reading about cocky, arrogant, douchebag teenagers and their stupid problems isn't for me. It's a waste of my time and yours because I'm never going to be interested in much that these guys do or say. Kid Flash is a painfully irritating dick (although deliberately so) with one of the ugliest costumes (and faces) ever put on the page, Tim Drake as Red Robin is a tolerable straight man, and Wonder Girl is that emotionally distant female character who we're supposed to think is "strong" because she gets joy in cracking heads. No, kids. Any girl, or guy, that enjoys inflicting physical violence on others is probably not for you.

This strikes me as real middle of the road teen superhero fare, that will have its biggest appeal for people who already have some form of investment in the characters. As a newcomer though it left me cold. Not a terrible book, just not for me. I'm getting too old for this shit. High-five, Danny Glover!

Justice League Dark #1:

And brace yourself! This is the book that I genuinely liked! It's the alternate Justice League made up ghosts, witches, psychics and magicians, and I thought it was full of fantastic inventions. I was far more at home here, reading what felt more like a Vertigo book with a twist of Alan Moore or Gaiman. Sure, some of these characters have some silly baggage (Shade the Changing Man's reality-bending powers stem from his "M-Vest" which give him ridiculous lines like the straight-faced "Don't you think I'd like to be able to walk away from this damned vest?") but the introductions to the various (and truly bizarre) powers are creative, unexpected, and often pack a punch.

A crazy witch lives in an envelope. 34 simulacra of June Moone are being mowed down by cars on the highway. A local power station is imbued with consciousness. And the guest-starring real Justice League are caught in a tornado of rotting witches' teeth that actually begin to tear up Superman.

It's weird and it's wonderful, and somewhat of a tease, because we're only just getting introduced to the team and don't really know where it's all going, but I'll definitely stick around. It creates its own unique world so much better than many of the other books I've read - especially this week! Well worth a look if it has piqued your interest.

And that, Dear Reader, was my look at (a fair chunk of) DC's New 52! Will you stick around for some second issues?

Episode 3 of The Book Was Better! The Day After Tomorrow!

2011-09-27T17:53:00.000+08:00

Oh hai you guyz! Did you know that Episode 3 of my podcast with Jessica Mcleod - THE BOOK WAS BETTER- is available for download, right NOW! It's about the novelization of that crazy classic cinema gem The Day After Tomorrow and seriously, I'm not kidding you folks, when you find out how this book came about you will literally shit.

Jess described this episode already so let's cut and paste what she said, because I already have to write ten thousand other things today:

"Holy balls you guys, the third episode of our podcast The Book Was Better is maybe the best one yet! For your lolling pleasure we read the novelisation of The Day After Tomorrow, a Roland Emmerich ~~explosion~~ film, and discuss ~~the political implications of a right-wing reading of global warming~~ things that sound dirty. Go download it at our site or just subscribe through iTunes to get it delivered fresh each fortnight!"

Better do what the lady says! You won't be disappointed! This is some of the finest work in my long and illustrious pod-casting career!

Rewriting the DC Reboot!

2011-09-26T21:27:00.001+08:00

Over at Fruitless Pursuits, I've taken it upon myself to help DC Comics out by rewriting some of the new numbers one in their September reboot! The books are already pretty great, but I'm helping them see them through the eyes of a new reader! Here's the three books I've rewritten a page from so far.

Do my new, original scripts help or hinder this book? You be the judge...

Rewriting Red Hood and the Outlaws #1:

Rewriting Green Lantern Corps #1:

Rewriting Batman and Robin #1:

(No disrespect to original writers Scott Lobdell and Peter J. Tomasi!)

DC Reboot Review: Batman #1, Nightwing #1, Red Hood and the Outlaws #1, Catwoman #1, Green Lantern Corps #1, Supergirl #1, Wonder Woman #1.,

2011-09-22T22:01:00.002+08:00

So let's talk about DC Comics and the law of diminishing returns...

It's a new week and a new round of #1's for September's DC reboot. I bought 7 of the 12 new books on offer today, and wow is my interest waning! No, it's not all bad, but I'm seriously beginning to wonder exactly what DC is trying to accomplish here. So much so that it's starting to erode the goodwill created by some of the better releases from earlier in the month. We were lead into the pretence that this books would be solid jump on points for new readers, but sadly it's rarely the case.

The majority of these comics are a disjointed jumble of disparate elements.There's little effort to tell coherent stories. The characters are either bland, dickishly arrogant and "noble", or just plain sleazy-looking dicks. And most of the lines cling to graphic violence as a crutch - as thought the comics are only for "adults" - but now are peppering it with an awkward softcore sexuality ("Look boys! Bras!") as if the comics are for boys who have just turned thirteen.

But then I read reviews where people are going, "Oh yeah, Nightwing, man! That's a keeper! Great book!" By what metric is this great? Great compared to what? Other comics? TV? Movies? A punch in the forehead?

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO THINK!?

Join me after the jump and we'll try to unravel this expanding mess. I'm going into full SPOILER mode though or I'm not going to cope...

But like I said... It's not all bad.

Batman #1

Batman is by far the best book of the week (and one of the few I won't spoil). Although we've already had Batman and Robin and Detective Comics and I'm not sure just how many monthly Batman books we need or how they all fit into each other. He's also cameoing in a lot of other books (one of which we'll get into soon), so he's kind of somewhere in between Santa and Jesus in his ability to be in all places at all times.

But the best thing about this book is that it's a coherent story, that manages to welcome new readers without having to jettison everything that took place in the pre-reboot books. This is still the Batman with his 10-year-old son (who is now Robin) and he's hanging out with Dick Grayson (who used to be Robin but is now Nightwing), and Tim Drake (who used to be Robin but is now Red Robin) (and I don't know who Red Robin is). Okay, so that bit is confusing. Considering most casual fans (especially movie fans) far prefer a Robinless Batman, why is he now hanging out with the three of them?! WTF does he need with all these Robins? Oh, and remember Jason Todd, who also used to be Robin? We'll get to him in another book!

All that aside, it's a well written book, with solid characterisation, a uniting theme, and and an intriguing enough mystery that is teased at the end. My only gripe is that - like many other books this month - Batman still wants to be Seven and gives us our billionth grizzly murder of the reboot (yes, of course it involved torture) which feels a little alienating. There have been so many great Batman works in the past that just haven't had to rely on this. And it's frustrating because it eliminates a lot of potential audience. It's not enough to send me packing though - I'm willing to give issue 2 a shot.

Nightwing #1

Let's stick with the bat-family and take a look at Nightwing. Now I have zero interest in former Robin Dick "Nightwing" Grayson as a character (although I liked it when he used to have the electric blue disco collar) but I know a lot of people like him. So this is me being open-minded. This is me saying, "Okay... I will give your precious Nightwing a shot and see if I can understand what you like about him."

For me, this book is neither here nor there. There's nothing particularly compelling about the character - he's just an easy-going guy, has a strong sense of justice, gets a little emo about his dead family. Nothing here to recommend or damn him really - he's as middleground as you can get. For me he's pretty bland. Nightwing is like a cheese sandwich. Which is fine if you're happy with that. I wouldn't want it all the time.

The story is coherent (and seems like it may tie into Batman #1) but it's very silly at times. An assassin attacks Dick while he's in his civilian clothes - apparently the assassin knows all about Dick (he's a Dick expert) - but then Dick runs into an alley and changes into Nightwing! He returns, looking the same except now he's wearing a leotard and a tiny domino mask. And the assassin is convinced that he's now a different person. "Oh so you've come to protect Dick, huh? Dick's lucky to have you looking out for him! But it won't help! Wait until I get a hold of that Dick! Say... where is Dick? Seriously! You sprang out of nowhere but where has my Dick gone?" Exactly.

Also there's a slew of violent murders on page - two thugs get graphically stomped and two cops have their throats ripped out in a spray of blood. Seriously? In a Dick Grayson book? I just can't believe that Nightwing is intended for adults. I'm sorry. I can't process that. Once again, please look back at the wonderful cavalcade of Batman related entertainment that did not rely on throats being graphically torn out as a climax. It's such a weird juxtaposition, because the book mostly feels like its written for a kid, and then this crazy stuff happens. I'm done with this one. Although I'm sure Dick will keep poking into Batman.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #1

So I'm the idiot for buying this, but honestly I didn't know what to expect! That Deadpool looking guy at the front is our other, other, other ex-Robin, Jason Todd, now apparently "The Red Hood" (even though I thought Jason Todd was dead). He's inexplicably teamed up with Green Arrow's sidekick Speedy,and Starfire - an orange alien lady who spends most of her page-time standing around awkwardly in a bikini like a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition tracing.

And apparently Starfire is banging Red Hood, but then Red Hood finds a weird ethereal goth girl (who looks like a Neil Gaiman runaway) at a tropical resort, and they talk about all sorts of stuff that I didn't remotely understand, and then Starfire - clearly as bored as I am by this point - goes and bangs Speedy (!?). Although, of course, they're coy with this part because violence is fine but boobs are the devil! God bless you America!

Red Hood goes and does something somewhere. and meets someone that he clearly cares about - but we don't give a shit about -and then some other strange dudes attack and the issue ends promising us that next issue "All will be explained!" No. Fuck that shit. You should have explained it the first time. Fool me twice, shame on me. I won't be around for the "explanation".

Catwoman #1:

I like the modern Catwoman. I like the catsuit with the goggles. I like the short, black Audrey Hepburn hair. I like the concept of Catwoman, and I like it when she shows up in a good Batman story to complicate things further. But I didn't like this too much.

The biggest problem with Catwoman as a lead/solo character is that she lacks compelling motivation. She really just wants material gain - which seems at odds with the way in which she shrugs it off when all her possessions (and her apartment) are blown-up at the beginning. So she has no attachments, yet is always trying to steal stuff? Okay...? In this issue she wants a painting and she tangles with some nondescript Russian gangsters who we aren't remotely invested in.

There's graphic violence here again when she beats up one gangster who she recognises as having raped her friend many years ago, and the blood flies freely. So again - it seems to be an "adult" content book, but then it's also very coy about its softcore sexuality. Catwoman appears in her bra at least three different times in the issue, and it all accumulates at the end when Batman pops in to check on her. She is soon straddling him, takes off his belt, and opens up his suit to expose his abdomen, and presumably more, and then we see him kissing her neck as something unseen goes on below. The last shot widens out and she is still straddling him but her suit it still on (and we know it doesn't zip low enough for that) so we're left with the impression that... Catwoman just beat Batman off?! That's how you're ending your book? Batman cameos for a handjob? And she comments on how it finishes fast. I thought you had stamina, Bruce.

I just don't know what it wants me to feel. It's far to silly and awkward to be titillating, and yet the book seems to believe that you will continue to buy it purely for glimpses of her cleavage. Really? Look, DC, I'm no prude - if Catwoman is supposed to be a sex book, then just man up and make it a sex book! Get a filthy European artist like Manara, or Serpieri, or Altuna - all of which can actually draw sex - and show him totally giving it to her. But don't be such babies about it. If it's an "adult" book, then act "adult". Have her poking out the Penguin's eyes with her ridiculously puffy nipples! Show Batman swinging his dick like it's one of his bat-ropes! You're acting like a ten-year-old that doesn't have an Internet connection!

Green Lantern Corps #1

Last week Green Lantern pretty much lost me, so god knows why I went for this. Because I want to like the Green Lanterns? I'm intrigued by the concept, but it's yet to give me much.

This story isn't terrible, and it's easy enough to follow, but the two human GL's Guy Gardner and John Stewart are earthbound for most of it - and both are incredibly annoying. Gardner is inexplicably trying to land a job as a high school football coach, even though his duties as a space policeman would cause havoc with their training schedule, and Stewart - puffed up with his own self-importance - arrogantly lectures a group about safety before terrorizing them by dropping them off a building. Gardner's an idiot and Stewart is such a deadpan, pompous "let's do what's right you guys even though it makes me a total asshole to be around" party-pooper. I'm surprised they don't spend all their time arguing about who has the stupider haircut.

Oh, and before you're disappointed, some other Green Lanters are graphically: decapitated, cut in half, and/or impaled on spikes. Oh! And a whole planet of aliens are murdered. DC COMICS, KIDS! GET 'EM WHILE THEY'RE HOT!

SUPERGIRL #1

How can I review this!? There's nothing here to review!? It literally took me about 2 -3 mins to read. Supergirl crashes to earth, has no memory of how she got there, and fights some guys in robot suits. AND THAT IS THE ENTIRE STORY. You seriously think that's enough to warrant my investment in your future issues? You are taking the piss with this one, DC. You didn't put in the effort, and I'm not going to either. (The art is nice. Wish it had a story to go with it).

Wonder Woman #1

The other big release of the week and I was genuinely looking forward to it. Perhaps I'm an idiot, but for me this was another confusing mess where I never really figured out what was going on. There are nice ideas in here - I love the mythological aspects and really liked what happened with the horses (as gruesome as it was), but it all lacked coherency and wasn't a warm welcome for a new reader. Frustrating, because it looks pretty good - perhaps I just need to read it again.

Wonder Woman gets (coyly) naked though, so that's a solid three for three with our main female characters this week! Imagine this. You're an executive at DC at you gather your best writers in a room. "How do we relaunch Wonder Woman?" you bellow from your gigantic leather chair. "How do we sell this character to grown men!? How do we get them interested in Wonder Woman?" One brave soul timidly raises his hand. "Side boob?" he answers.

Come on, DC. Your industry is dying. You need to work harder than this.

Under the Man-croscope: the Dubious Merit of Trading Cards.

2011-09-22T21:24:00.000+08:00

Imagine the mighty Man-croscope! A highly technical device whose stern gaze turns upon all that you loved and accepted as a child, and heavily scrutinizes it with the steely, unwavering, eyes of a man! Everything you thought you knew will crumble to bitter, nostalgic dust - powerless under the Man-croscope's adult glare!

This week I recklessly turn the Man-croscope on trading cards! You know, those small rectangular pieces of cardboard, randomly packed with a stick of rubbery gum, that you would obsessively and bewilderingly collect as a kid. You couldn't get enough of them! You had to have the whole set! You wasted all your pocket money! You crazy shit!

I collected a ton of trading cards as a kid and a young teen. So while we deconstruct this odd phenomenon, let's take a look at some of the few remaining cards I have left, from my own personal "collection". Like this highly-prized collector's item that I photographed earlier:

I think this card is insinuating that he crapped himself.

I'm not even joking with you. These are all photos of my cards, that I own right now. Check out more of my startling collection after the jump and we'll nitpick things until they're no fun any more!

Let's look at movie cards first because they really are the worst. You are essentially paying for random, sometimes difficult-to-determine, stills from a film you saw. Did you like Batman '89? Then why not collect a small cardboard picture of the back of Bob the Goon's weathered head? Unfathomable now, but goddamned if we didn't have to have them all!

And this isn't like the later Pokemon phase where there was actually some sort of game attached. You could do absolutely nothing with these movie trading cards. You couldn't hang them on the wall, or display them on a shelf, or impress a potential mate. No. All you had at the end, for all your troubles, was a sad stack of nondescript movie stills - kind of like the lamest, most stilted, flipbook in the world!

I think I had full sets (or close to full sets) of Batman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Gremlins 2, and Ghostbusters 2. Luckily, I no longer have any of them now, but I do have a few rare gems up my sleeve!

Like this packet of original Star Wars movie cards from 1977! (The first set that Topps produced!):

But this is the best part. Seriously, this is going to blow your mind. It's killer!...

I still have the gum!

Folks, that right there is 34-year-old bubblegum! It's a mere year younger than I am! And there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH IT! It is made of serious stuff - there's not a blemish on it at all and it still smells great! You could eat this gum right now. In fact I will post it to you if you would like to eat it. You should buy a ton of this gum and build a fallout shelter out of it. Nothing can harm this gum. It's impenetrable. Also: "Facing the deadly chasm". Kind of sounds like a euphemism.

This is my favourite card of the pack...

See? That's an original 1977 practical dewback lizard, before they replaced them 20 years later with CGI. I just showed you something total OLD SKOOL, so you can momentarily pause your purist bitching about the Blu-rays.

Most cardbacks in movie sets have summaries of the depicted scene, usually hastily written by someone who hates themselves. These cards were actually quite good because they gave you little known facts about the making of the movie! In 1977 these cards were practically your Internet!:

But what about the no-so-great to kind-of-embarrassing movie cards? Let's turn our attention to my single pack of stills from the under-rated eighties classic Howard the Duck.

(I feel like I shouldn't have to explain what Howard the Duck is, but I'm around young people a lot and none of them have ever heard of it. OK... it's a live-action movie, based on a Marvel comic from the seventies, produced by George Lucas, and it's about a duck from space that gets stranded on earth and nearly bangs Leah Thompson. And she's in an all-girl band called Cherry Bomb. And then they get attacked by a monster. Does that make sense now?).

These cards are a little sleazy. Lots of innuendo in the titles:

And why not allude to "swingers" when one of the other cards is this:

Yes, look closely in the bottom right-hand corner. Howard the Duck is delivering towels to a couple who are banging in a hot tub. What a movie! Sadly the summary on the back fails to mention that:

And I should note that the author of this card clearly hasn't bothered to watch the movie because Phil and Beverly certainly aren't even remotely in this scene and don't save him from drowning. I'm hoping said author looked at the front of the card and thought, "Couple banging in the hot tub... I bet that's Phil and Beverly. I'm guessing Phil fashions a makeshift life-raft out of his junk".

Oh! And not just cards, kids! Who wants a sticker of alleged pervert Jeffrey Jones?:

So it's probably safe to conclude that trading cards from movies actually kind of suck.

But the best cards were always character cards. One of my first collections ever was a vintage Transformers set that had beautiful character art cards with stats on the back. All the boys in my class would collect them and we all flip our shit if anyone got Soundwave.

Those cards have also been lost to the annals of time, but I do have quite a few old Marvel character cards from a solid range of sets. I have never had the heart to throw these out and they have inexplicably travelled with me, despite moving house many, many times. They're probably pretty much at the end of their life now, so why not give them one last (first) showing! I will release them from their dusty tomb!

Actually, what I love about these cards is that they were my first introduction to a lot of Marvel characters. I would read about them on the back and my imagination would fill in the rest, and they always seemed far cooler to me than they actually were. I also started reading Jim Lee's X-Men and loved the art he drew for some of these sets. I probably collected these until I was about 15 which explains why I didn't have a girlfriend in high school. If kids today saw these they wouldn't know whether to double over laughing or punch me in the grill.

This 1991 set was my first (I had an artist friend who would post me random cards) and I still love how quaint some of these cards are. This was just before everything went EXTREEEEEME and BAAADAAASSSS!

Sue Storm, you are one stand up gal! And I like the layout on the back as well...

Look at Sue's stats! What a lightweight! Despite the explosion of alliteration in her description she is clearly a useless waste of space. Intelligence 3. You go girl! And how's the creepy fact at the bottom. She met her husband when she was 12. And tender. Please. Call the police! (Look at that headshot... does it look like she has a blackeye to you?)

Let's look at how certain characters changed over the next couple of years, as did the art styles that depicted them... First is Marvel Girl, or Jean Grey...

An ugly costume is quickly trumped by an even uglier costume!

Geri Halliwell Jean Grey goes up against some classic Jim Lee!

And now everything is super extreme, and has shiny parts, and Jean is about to be hit in the face with two missiles!

Also see Psylocke who actually hasn't changed that much:

And I'd be remiss if I didn't include the baffling disco X-Man, Dazzler!

I think I've never thrown them out because I feel like I should do something with them. Like decoupage something with them. Yeah! I said decoupage! It's very manly!

Although it's been a very long time since I've bought a pack of trading cards I have to admit that they still kind of give me a buzz. There's something I love about that format and it makes me kind of want to make my own set. And I love the border designs and presentation almost as much as I love the images.

MAN-CROSCOPE, YOU HAVE CLEARLY TAUGHT ME NOTHING!

I'm going to get you serviced.

A Personal Post, Just For You!

2011-09-21T22:07:00.000+08:00

Most of what I've been posting here has been specifically written for my pop culture site Fruitless Pursuits, so I figured it might be high time that I wrote something personal. Just for you. And not a general "you", I'm actually writing for you, especially. This is where you look puzzled, like Bastion from The Neverending Story, and you look behind you (no one there) and then point to your chest and say quizzically to the screen, "Me? Really?". Yes, really. You.

Perhaps the big question I haven't addressed here yet is, "Why?". Why after writing and directing ten years of theatre (including musicals, episodes, puppets, solo shows) have I pushed it all aside to write online articles about Thundercats and Jem and the Holograms, record podcasts about C-List movie characters, and take photos of semi-clad women? (that last one probably doesn't require as much of an explanation). It's a fair question. And probably the closest answer is, "I wasn't having fun any more".

I had some shaky experiences, and felt a little sick of the scene, but really it was more a case of participating for a long time and just not moving forward. I went from producing some of the most acclaimed work at The Blue Room, to gradually sliding into the middle of the pack, from being nominated among the best scripts, to not getting acknowledged, from full houses to a dwindling crowd, and I just didn't feel I had anything new or exciting enough to offer. There's not a lot of theatre I love. And a lot of the stuff that people love, I just don't get. It takes an awful lot of time to write, design and direct, and I just could no longer justify spending six months working on a show for a few hundred people in Perth. Or Sydney. Or Adelaide.

And there were other changes. I got a steady, comfortable job and suddenly was able to stop saying "yes" to everything to survive, and now had the means to support the things that I wanted to explore, and make work to please myself. Want to learn photography? Great! So now I can buy a professional camera, and lights, and a backdrop. I can hire models. I can buy costumes. I just couldn't do that before. I was relying on funding, sporadic work, and meshing with the conflicting schedules of everybody else.

I'll always love making theatre, and have had some of my happiest times doing so, and when I feel like I have something important to say I'll no doubt get back into it. But I am increasingly frustrated at how static the audiences are, and how, just by theatre's very nature, you can only play to the people in your city, and once it's done it's like it never happened.

I love the reach I have on the Internet. More people engage with my writing in a single day than they would over the entire three week season of a theatre show. The majority of my new "audience" is outside of Australia. I'm getting to write about a wide range of topics, and I've made so many new connections that I would never have made if I was focusing on Perth. In the last week alone I've been in contact with a Simpson writer, authors, TV presenters, Star Wars luminaries, and fellow writers and creators. After being frustrated for so long that I'm not reaching people with my writing, I'm actually reaching people with my writing. And there's zero pressure. I'm relaxed. And I'm happy.

So, I love what I've achieved in theatre, but that's meaningless to anyone I know that doesn't live in a 30km radius. And I've done it for ten years. This year, however, I've enjoyed a lot of new things. And I'm still productive. I co-host three podcasts, I've taken over 50,000 photos this year with more than 20 models, I'm on book 3 of my web comic, I have a rapidly growing pop-culture site with like-minded friends (who span the globe). I'm writing articles, reviews, news, and bullshit. And it's all immediate.

I appreciate that there are people who would still rather see me doing theatre, or are even totally dismissive of what I'm doing now. (And I've seen first-hand, select self-important theatre people be scathing about anyone who leaves the scene - especially for a day job. But I've also seen said people act like divas and rockstars even though they're always broke, don't know where their next job is coming from, and cling to those few times a year when they get to preach to the converted. And ultimately I don't think they're changing the world any more or less than I am). That's all cool! I know that what I'm doing (and have always done) is never going to be for everyone. But at least now it's reaching someone. I've always appealed to a select fringe, so it's better for me to appeal to that fringe all around the world, as opposed to only where I live. You add up all those small groups and it's actually not too bad!

I'm experimenting! And when technology can stream holographic black-box theatre live into your living room then I'm sure I'll be scribbling away again like a lunatic. I will! I'll write more stories! I promise! I'm just not in any rush.

AND if that was all too long and indulgent, then here is the short version:

Review: Gears of War 3! First Impressions: Boombox Breasts and Daddy Issues!

2011-09-20T22:43:00.000+08:00

Today saw one of the biggest, stockiest, heavily-armoured, stereo-speaker-titted, videogame releases of 2011! I am, of course, talking about the testosterone-soaked juggernaut Gears of War 3, a game that 95% of the Internet has already reviewed, because real news sites get early access, and I bought it this afternoon, and am only up to Act 2. However! If we wait until I finish the campaign and master multiplayer before I comment on it, then it will already be in post-Christmas bargain bins for $9.95. So let's climb in and have a poke around at what I've found so far...

"MMmmm! A freshly fired Lancer is so warm against my crotch!"

(There'll probably be minor spoilers, but nothing too specific. So be a man! What would Marcus Fenix do? Probably blast some hip-hop out of his tits!).

One of the most frustrating things for me about modern games is getting started. You know there's going to be a semi tutorial, and you're going to have to learn every single ability one by one, and there'll be lots of cutscenes and dialogue (probably unskippable), and someone will say something like, "Oh you're awake! Follow me down this long corridor while I talk to you about all the things that have changed since you had your nap!" It's a stark contrast from retro games which went, "OH SHIT! JUMP YOU IDIOT! THAT MONKEY IS THROWING BARRELS AT YOU!"

Gears of War 3 falls somewhere in the middle. It doesn't take too long to get started but through some of the opening explanations I had a bit of an itchy trigger finger. "COME ON! I JUST PAID $70 FOR YOU! LET ME PLAY YOU!" It's all important stuff we have to know though, and they do weave in an incredibly trippy and inventive action dream sequence. You see, Marcus Fenix might appear like a gruff, scarred, hardass, but deep, deep, deep, deep, deep inside that craggy exterior, he's just a scared little boy who misses his dear departed daddy. But what's this!? Intel looks like Daddy might not actually be dead! Daddy Fenix is alive and OH SHIT! WHO IS BLOWING APART OUR SHIP?! I HOPE IT'S NOT THAT BARREL-MONKEY!

The lambent's attack our mighty sea vessel with their extra-terrestrial tendrils and all sorts of crazy shenanigans go down. You're thrust into varied and well-designed levels and you get to experiment with new hardware as you battle some never-seen-before beasts and environmental hazards. There are plenty of cut-scenes to propel the action forward but they're mercifully kept brief and never seem to intrusive. It's not the fastest start, but by the time you are up on deck battling the big bad, things are getting awfully jolly.

And that's not all! We then jump back one hour and play as Cole "COLE-TRAIN" Cole and we see what he was doing while all this was going down. That's a cracking adventure in a unique environment of its own, and as it progresses it cleverly converges with Marcus' story, weaving the two together so that they share an epic climax. I just said that Cole and Marcus share an epic climax. Fist bump, bro! And these six jam-packed levels all add up to make Act One! Out of five! That's TOTALLY INTENSE!

Oh! And there are lady Gears of War now too! And one of them has an Australian accent that makes me want to drown myself in a billabong. Ouch.

The game is expansive and looks absolutely incredible, but here's where I'll criticize it the tiniest bit. While it's clearly polished and impressive (and fun!), from a gameplay perspective it doesn't really give you anything that different to do. At least not in the first act. You're still going to sluggishly charge into a large room, take cover behind a conveniently placed low wall, and shoot at bad guys who are leaping out of the ground towards you. I guess that is Gears of War, but at times I find myself asking, "What am I really doing here? How much of the really impressive stuff is the game doing for me?"

For example: (heavier SPOILERS) a giant leviathan attacks the ship and repeatedly smashes its tentacles through the hull in front of me. It looks awesome, but it's all fully scripted, and I can't shoot and damage it - or effect it any way - I'm just continuing to take cover and shoot at the regular guys. And when I go and confront the boss I'm still just shooting at its glowing eyes (a weakness!) to take it down, like I've done a billion times before. And will likely do a billion times again. (End SPOILERS).

It's why the less polished Bulletstorm is one of my favourite shooters of the year, because it added unique mechanics. You had that crazy whip thing that could fling people into the air or pull them towards you, and you could slide along the ground - like a reckless idiot - until you satisfyingly collided into something. So far, Gears 3 isn't inventing anything, although that doesn't mean it won't. I recall that it took me a good while to warm to Gears of War 2, but once that game got going it led me into some really unexpected situations. With a solid four acts of Gears 3 left, I'm still very optimistic about where it's going to take me.

I'm currently one level into Act 2 and I really like where this is heading. It was hard to put down, but I plan to stretch it out a little. And if you've ever heard Gears creator Cliffy B interviewed then you'll know that he is an incredibly sharp bastard who puts a great deal of thought into these things, so I have total faith that he'll make it happen for me. It's a huge game. So far so good.

I am a Guest on Extra Sequential Podcast!

2011-09-17T17:55:00.001+08:00

If you weren't sick enough of my voice this week on The C-List Podcast, or The Book Was Better, then why not listen to my guest appearance on the brilliant Australian comics podcast Extra Sequential! And speaking of over-saturation, yes, you guessed it! We're talking about all things Star Wars! Here's the show notes straight from the site:

Kris is frozen in Carbonite this week, so Mladen is joined by Luke Milton, Perth comic artist/photographer and host of the “C-List” and “The Book Was Better” podcasts, to discuss Star Wars! The mythic stature vs the actual quality of the films, blu-ray deleted scenes and changes, the original and prequel trilogies, and the expanded universe and Star Wars Comics. Also: Lando Calrissian, Yaddle, and an awkward story about meeting Jake Lloyd. Your ears can’t repel podcasting of this magnitude!

Mladen and Kris do an excellent job week after week so please journey to Extra Sequential to download their incredible 58th episode! (Or follow them on itunes!).

I Interviewed Michael Price, Writer of The Simpsons, and Lego Star Wars the Padawan Menace!

2011-09-16T20:14:00.002+08:00

This was a first for us! I was lucky enough to have a chat with Michael Price, writer of the brilliant and completely unexpected animated special Lego Star Wars: The Padawan Menace. Michael is probably best known for his work as a long-time writer of The Simpsons, and he has managed to successfully infuse the Star Wars saga with the same chaotic energy and humour. It was a breath of fresh air that reminded us all how much fun Star Wars can be once we learn to relax.

This is quite an in-depth look at what went into the show, and Michael was very gracious with not just his time, but the insights he was willing to share. It's a long interview, but his responses are funny and fascinating. I mean, come on! He's written for two of the universe's biggest franchises Star Wars and The Simpsons! You need to read everything he says and steal all his secrets!

Read the interview HERE at Fruitless Pursuits!

DC Reboot Review: Green Lantern, Red Lanterns, Batman and Robin, Batwoman, Suicide Squade, Frankenstein, Deathstroke!

2011-09-16T18:58:00.000+08:00

It's been a week of big new releases! Star Wars hit Blu-ray, seeing Scarlett Johansson's boob for the first time was like catching a rare Pokemon, and DC releases another wave of brand new issue ones!

Rather then flood the site with separate reviews like I did last week, I've decided to mash my week of comic reading together in one epic post! Mike has already offered his thoughts on some of these, but it looks like we didn't pick up the exact same books, and we don't always share the same opinions. The books I was entranced into picking up this time were: Green Lantern #1, Red Lanterns #1, Batman and Robin #1, Batwoman #1, Suicide Squad #1, Frankenstein Agent of S.H.A.D.E. #1 and Deathstroke #1.

And I downloaded them all on the iPad for $2.99 each, which wasn't too bad. Let's find out what worked and what left me cold...

Green Lantern #1

DC has done very little to convince me to care about Green Lantern. In fact, I'm pretty sure they want me to hate him! First it was the obnoxious trailer for the movie (“I KNOW, RIGHT!!”) and then, here in Australia, they released the film about six weeks later than the rest of the world - long after a sea of negative reviews and scorn had already washed away any lingering hope! (I still haven’t seen it!) So really I see Green Lantern #1 as DC’s last chance to change my mind. Sell me, DC. Convince me that Green Lantern is a heavy hitter and not just a douchebag with a lantern and a ring. Make me understand!

It didn’t happen. Hal Jordan is in this, but Hal Jordan as a Green Lantern inexplicably isn’t. There’s a lot of continuity alluded to here that, for me, as a first timer, left me out of the loop. And I'm not even sure it's a loop I want to be in. Hal no longer has his ring, but I’m not entirely sure why. Did he pawn it? And meanwhile there’s a lot going on with Sinestro (who shares equal focus this issue) and he is now a Green Lantern, but I’m not entirely sure why that is either, and I have no real idea if he's good or evil, or what he’s planning to do.

With all these books, I’m far more interested in characterization than I am with the complicated machinations of the title's past, and frustratingly there’s nothing about Hal that appeals to me here. He’s brash, arrogant and punch-happy, sure, but he’s also now a washed up wreck with no job, no car, and no money. And he looks super creepy and dirty. His eyes keep bugging out which makes him look really wired, and there's cross-hatching all over his cheeks like he made-out with a hobo. Does everyone have to be a total dick in the DCU?

Actually, it's Sinestro who makes for the more intriguing character here, and he does manage to even engage in a bit of gratuitous space action, but there’s just not enough story or direction here to make me eager to read the next one.

Red Lanterns #1

So if green isn’t cutting it for you, at least now you have a choice. Maybe red’s more your colour? I figured it couldn’t be any worse.

Peter Milligan’s a writer that I am familiar with through his inventive work on Marvel’s X-Force and X-Statix, so I had hopes for this. It’s the better of the two lantern books, in my opinion, and starts quite strong with a Red Lantern cat (Yes. A cat. The true face of evil!) going nuts on a team of brutish aliens. There’s torture, once again (and not the last torture scene we’ll see in this new line-up) but at least this whole sequence is relatively tongue-in-cheek. There’s a playful quality to Milligan’s work and I never felt that he was trying to make it real, or shocking, which always comes off awkward in a silly-setting. Red Lanterns feel a little more satirical to me, almost like a deliberately gritty, overwrought parody, but it’s entirely possible that I’m missing the point.

Again, there is a lot of past continuity that escapes me here. I don’t really know who the Red Lanterns are or why they constantly, and spectacularly vomit blood. I don’t know anything about the blue lady with the tiny wings on her head who is constantly maneuvering to show us her arse, or the dude that looks like an angry beach ball. But there’s a fair bit of backstory for their leader, the angst-ridden Atrocitus, and the whole thing’s really just a set up for what the series is going to be about. Spoiler: It's about vengeance. Anger. High blood pressure. Vomiting aforementioned blood.

It’s far from terrible, but there just isn’t enough here to hook me yet. Like Green Lantern before it, this is just the very beginning of a story and I have no firm expectations of what is to come.

Batman and Robin #1

Batman has a son? A 10-year-old son called Damien? And Damien is the current Robin? Whaaa?

Okay, so I did kind of know that going in, but this is the first Batman and Son book I’ve ever read. As a concept, it’s not especially appealing to me (Batman plans for every possible contingency. How does he accidentally get someone pregnant?) but the book does a pretty good job of selling the idea to me. Plus it reminds me of this shocking fact at least a couple of times a page! Bruce is constantly saying things like, “I’m your father, son”, and Damien is constantly saying, “Hey you’re my mostly absent, deadbeat father, Batdad” like the writer was anticipating a bunch of idiot newbies like myself, mouth agape, repeating, “Whaaa? Batman has a son!?” (Which I admittedly did).

I liked it though. It works. It’s kind of like that movie Baby’s Day Out, with Bruce running around trying to clean up after the anarchic Damien’s mess. Now it’s Robin who is a total dick, but it’s actually a lot of fun seeing the glum, psychopathic Damien sass-talk his dad while wreaking havoc on stupid crooks. It’s a fairly satisfying story too which wraps up quite nicely yet, at the same time, sets up enough questions for us to be interested the future. You've got me on your hook, DC. You can reel me in for another issue!

No mention of the mother though or what went wrong there. Damn, sexy, virile Batman! And I hope that Alfred's getting penalty rates because he appears to be doing Oracle's job now that she's off riding her motorcycle through hospitals!

Batwoman #1

The highlight here is the truly, phenomenal art – every page is a masterpiece which weaves free-flowing panels together in interesting ways. It's worth it for the art alone, and being a story man it's rare you'll hear me say that. And I love the supernatural threat that is introduced in this issue. It's urban legend come to life, tortured spirits abducting children and drowning them. It’s eerie, atmospheric, and completely unexpected.

I really dig the design of Batwoman, both in costume and out (and she does seem to spend a reasonable amount of time half-naked with her gal pals). She’s got an iconic look to her – pale white skin, tattoos, a bright red bob, and for me she feels like a nice deviation away from what we might expect from crime-fighting hero. Her supporting cast shows a lot of promise too, although I didn’t quite follow how they all connect together– there’s history here that I’m just not aware of. I would be willing to go another round here, though. It’s unique. And that's a great thing.

Suicide Squad #1

I was sold by the cover, because it all looks just so batshit insane! You have hi-tech sniper Deadshot, the Joker’s squeeze Harley Quinn looking like a stripper now (yes, she’s seen wearing that outfit in the snow), and a musclebound goon with a giant, ravenous shark head. Seriously! What could possibly go wrong?

A lot, apparently! Sadly, this book is about 5% character development, and 95% torture porn. The DC reboot is rapidly teaching me that people want protagonists who are dicks, and prolonged scenes of torture. It’s all pretty grim. And I’m new to this team, so I just can’t fathom why DC thinks I will enjoy reading about a group of characters – that I don’t really care about yet - being tortured? I just don’t know want response they want me to have? Should I be shocked? Titillated? Should I find it humorous? Emotional? Exciting? I don’t feel anything at all while reading this book. It leaves me numb. And it’s all leading up to a twist that you’ve seen a couple of times before, which then conveniently sweeps it all under the rug and gives the various tortures zero impact or ramifications. It was all a big joke! Ha! Ha! Ok… so now what?

That said though, the highlight here is the shark guy because he has an insatiable lust for meat. At last! A character I can relate to!

Frankenstein Agent of S.H.A.D.E. #1

When I first heard about this book, and saw the cover, I thought it looked like the dumbest thing ever and had no interest in it at all. I puffed up my mighty chest and announced loudly (to no one), "No, sir! I shall not buy your silly Frankenstein book! For shame!" But I was totally wrong.

Ive convinced me otherwise with his mention in the recent What's Out article. He was looking forward to it! Really? And then I realise that it's written by Jeff Lemire who wrote last week's Animal Man #1 which I loved. So I had to have this right? And it didn't disappoint.

It's an inventive world, which pulls from many things we already know, but still manages to be unique. Frankenstein works for Father Time (who now inhabits the body of a masked little girl) and his headquarters is in a flying globe full of tech, that you have to shrink to microscopic size to go inside. Soon Frank is battling alongside a new crew made of a vampire, a wolf-man, a mummy, and a fish lady, who - despite being old tropes - show more characterisation in their brief first appearances than the full cast of both coloured Lanterns.

There's all sorts of weird, wacky things going on here, and some clever narrative devices to pull it all together. I never felt lost and will definitely jump on-board the next one. And I'll sit up the front and clap my hands like a spoiled child.

Deathstroke #1

I grabbed this on a whim. I think Deathstroke's got a cool design, and I had a friend who read Deathstroke religiously in high school. I didn't expect much from it but was actually pleasantly surprised!

This is certainly the most "complete" story we've been offered so far in the reboot. It has a distinct beginning, middle and end and I thought that I was getting my $3 worth. And the end actually surprised me and I thought that it added a lot to the character. It's one thing to keep saying that your hero is badass but another thing to commit to (successfully) showing it.

And I really dig Slade Wilson's look. He's an old grey bastard with an eye-patch who is constantly thinking about the best way to murder you. What's not to love? It's not the greatest thing I've ever read by any means, but it's such a solid comic book. And you can go in totally cold. Worth a peek if you're interested.

Phew! So how many more of these things to go?

The C-List Podcast Episode 15: Alien Rodeo Pug Shakers

2011-09-15T17:18:00.002+08:00

(Mike) Taylor and I have churned out another bronze-medal winning episode of our podcast The C-List. If you didn't already know, that's the one we're we talk about minor characters from major movies. Yes, we discuss, dissect and debate the "lost heroes" that you don't really give a crap about! Mostly though, we just make silly noises. Here are the notes for the new show:

This episode we do our best to "prevent alien scariness" by discussing Paul Dano's portrayal as Indiana Jones' son Percy Dollarhyde in sci-fi/western mash-up Cowboys and Aliens, as well as the diminutive Frank the Pug from the original Men in Black. During this ridiculous discussion we manage to: talk like fancy lads, swear like champions, solve the world's problems, get jiggy with it, and perform another lame re-enactment. And if you make it to the end, there's a wiggada wiggada wild wild rap!

Miss this one and you'll be "alienated" by all your friends. AW HELL NAW! And don't forget to review us on itunes!

DOWNLOAD IT HERE AT THE OFFICIAL SITE!

Hosts: Mike and Luke
Run Time: 54:18
Original Music by The Data Parade, (C)Rap by Luke

The "hilarious" Frank the Pug.

I Have the Star War Blu-rays.

2011-09-14T23:33:00.000+08:00

There's been so much hyperbole and nerd angst about the Star Wars Blu-ray set that I now honestly find it difficult to understand. Sure, I do understand having a cheap laugh at some of the newly revealed changes when viewing them out of context on the Internet - it makes for solid, snarky writing - but in the last couple of days I've read so much outlandish hand-wringing and cries of boycott that I feel the need to pose some serious questions.

It was nerd "news" over the last few days that an American comics retailer had taken offence at the reboot of Superman in Action Comics #1 because Superman uttered the word "gd". The (very) Christian retailer decided that this was a direct affront to his beliefs (it turned out to be an onomatopoeic grunt) and he called for a boycott of the comic because of this one tiny part. The nerd community all sneered and agreed that this guy was an overreacting, attention-seeking idiot.

Of course, now the exact same sites who reported that unseemly incident are now screaming boycott because George Lucas adds two words to Return of the Jedi. Interesting.

And look, I understand if you just don't give a shit about Star Wars and don't want to buy the thing. That's totally cool. I understand. Personally, I don't want to buy the Blu-ray of Step Up 3D. I just don't remind you every day about it.

My new favourite image EVER.

I got the Blu-ray set today (it was the Australian release) and what I've seen is amazing. Join me for some highlights...

We'll talk briefly about the changes. I agree that the bigger additions are jarring when you see them as an isolated clip. It's all you're focusing on. But if you've been following along on youtube then you've seen them all already. In the original trilogy it's probably less than a minute of new stuff in the whole seven hours plus.

In context, while actually watching the film on a big screen and being absorbed in the story, they barely register. I was freaked out about Wicket's CGI eyes but they're fine in the scene. Even the Vader "nooo!" is tolerable because I was more focused on how crazy hideous the Emperor's HD face was, and feeling empathy for Luke who was getting totally messed up.

The other thing is, even as a big fan, I don't know every scene as well as I may think I do. And our recollections of the original theatrical cuts are hazy at best. That's why I find it dubious when someone cries out, "No man! Han shot first! I want it that way!" And they're right - from a character perspective Han should absolutely shoot first - but they're not clearly remembering what that original scene actually looked like. It's choppy and unclear. It's not great storytelling. It kind of looks like crap. In the Blu-ray the shooting lasts half a second if that. It's so quick you don't know who's shooting first. Greedo fires off a blast that misses but he's pretty much dead by the time the blast leaves his gun. If you showed the scene to a Star Wars first timer they'd have no idea who shot first or what all the fuss was about. If you did a massive rant about it, and your big climax was to show the actual clip, then you would look like a dick. "... that's it??" Han Solo's character is still there. I promise you. It's there from the moment he opens his mouth.

I know these are the Special Editions with all the extra added tomfoolery from 1997 and if you hate all that stuff then I respect your opinion. But it's been fourteen years, dudes. Return of the Jedi has nearly existed with changes for the same time as it existed without them. And there's too much added stuff that I love to trade for all the stuff I'm not so hot on. But what was amusing watching it this time was that the 1997 CGI almost looks as goofy and rubbery as the original stop motion effects. It's actually kind of naively charming in a weird way and meshes better than it has. Yes, it's still mostly extraneous (except for in the space battles) but I think I'm finally used to it. And there are teenagers now who grew up on those versions. It is what it is.You can tolerate it or you can't.

Not one of the changes, but damn, it should have been!

SO...

I've raced through the original trilogy, watching favourite scenes, watched most of the deleted scenes, and a couple of featurettes and a documentary. Here's what I loved.

- The movie's look better than ever. The originals are as stunning as if they were released this year. It's easy to feel like a kid again watching them. It's been a few years since I saw them and it's like seeing them for the first time. It's very easy to get sucked back into all the things you loved about them.

- You see SO MUCH MORE. The tiny details are mind-blowing. You'll be shocked in New Hope how truly scratched up and dirty everything is. You can see brush strokes on Artoo. Vader looks like he's been dragged along behind a horse (a stark contrast to his shiny Empire look). The performances seem bigger because you see every sly smirk, or glint in an eye - dammit you can see Chewie's eyes clearly now and he looks like he's stoned when he's sitting in the cantina. You can see Mark Hamill's terrible skin. Carrie Fisher's freckles. Did you know there is underboob in Jabba's palace? You do now!

- Didn't see much of the prequels except for a glance through Phantom Menace. Can confirm that the goofy puppet Yoda has definitely been replaced with the CGI one. And he acts circles around Sam Jackson who looks truly bored out of his gourd.

- The deleted scenes are mostly scratched up film (sometimes black and white) and with on-set audio. There's nothing too unmissable, but the wampa attack on the Hoth base is amusing just because of how inept the creature effects are. It looks like a drunk guy wrapped in a fur rug, swinging wildly at ghosts. But the funniest has got to be the forgotten rebel pilots scenes from Return of the Jedi. The second on shown is an old lady (no shit!) who looks absolutely baffled that she's wearing a helmet and sitting in an X-wing cockpit. They keep feeding her lines to say and she keeps stumbling over them. Go Rebel Grandma! Let's start petitioning for an action figure of you!

- Oh! Actually there's a great animatic from Revenge of the Sith which shows an alternate (and longer) version of the Grievous wheel-bike chase that apparently had a lot of input from Spielberg. And you will be horrified that this isn't the version we saw because it is epic in scale and kicks a lot of ass. It involves (spoilers) barrelling through masses of fighting troops, cleaving through a passenger train, fighting on giant windmills with propellers snapping off and flying everywhere, and when Obi Wan finally goes hand-to-hand with Grievous on the landing platform, he tears open his chest with his bare hands, cuts off his arms and legs while he lies helpless on the ground, tears out his heart and tosses it aside. SHOOTS the heart on the ground, and then kicks Grievous over the ledge. It is EPIC. We were robbed.

- There's a great section called "Collections" where you can choose something like the Rancor and see a 3D turnaround of the maquette, detailed photography of his various parts, and then watch a short documentary about how they brought that character or thing to life. They also do this for props I've never seen before like an alternative version of the Millenium Falcon.

- I watched a vintage documentary about the creatures of Return of the Jedi hosted by Carrie Fisher (with giant shoulderpads) and a sexy Billy Dee Williams. It's full of craziness like Salacious Crumb talking to the camera, Admiral Ackbar singing about how ugly he is, ewoks on a commercial jet, and interviews with the Jabba the Hutt puppeteers while they are INSIDE the puppet! There's this poor, uncomfortable, squashed guy lying at the bottom and he glumly tells us, "I work Jabba's nostrils". Welcome to Hollywood, kid!

The only thing that annoys me is there's so much navigating through the extras - the deleted scenes sorely need a "play all" option because I was constantly reloading the menu every minute or two. But other than that it's all pretty great, and I've barely scratched the surface.

So yeah! I am thrilled with this set and looking forward to digging in further. And if you hate all this stuff, and are still angry at George, and need to puff up your chest about how you'll never give him another cent, then I'm sorry. Sorry you read this far! At least you still have your VHS.

The Book Was Better Podcast: Episode 2: The Dark Knight! Junior!

2011-09-13T19:33:00.000+08:00

The second episode of my new podcast with Jessica McLeod has gone live! This time we're breaking down The Dark Knight Junior Novel and it would be CRIMINAL to miss it! Here's how Jess describes it on the site:

In our second episode we look at the novelisation of Christopher Nolan's dark, gritty and violent Batman film The Dark Knight... for kids! POW! Let's ignore issues of mental illness, the role of the media in perpetuating violence and society's need for scapegoats and focus on what really matters: batarangs and the Joker's lovable nonsense! BAM! Enjoy!
Hosts: Jessica McLeod and Luke Milton
Run Time: 44:59

GO GRAB IT FROM THE OFFICIAL SITE, or subscribe to us on itunes!

Under the Man-croscope: The 12 Most Truly Outrageous Things About Jem and the Holograms!

2011-09-12T21:02:00.003+08:00

Jem is coming back! At least according to Cool Toy Review who reported that a revival of Jem and the Holograms was announced on Hasbro's New York Comic Con press release. You remember, Jem, right? Chick with pink hair, heavy make-up, was in a band, battled a punk band called The Misfits. Was in love with the hunky, purple-haired Rio. There was a line of dolls and an animated series. It was big in the eighties. Trust me.

How embarrassing. I've slept with all these women!

Now, I'm a dude. Seriously. So I never had much to do with Jem, although you couldn't help but absorb the advertising and the cartoon - at least peripherally. And as a golden eighties child, I have to admit that I just accepted Jem for what it was and it never set off any alarm bells. The child me was oblivious to the unbridled madness that bubbled beneath her pink plastic surface...

BUT NOW - some 20 years later, it is time for me to put Jem under the Man-croscope! Which is to say, I will heavily scrutinize the first episode of her cartoon with my adult eyes and point out all the ridiculous inconsistencies that sailed over my head as a kid! Last week I turned the Man-croscope on Gator from M.A.S.K. to reveal a cornucopia of incredulity and lies! The lens of the Man-croscope is critical and unwavering. Will Jem fair any better?

So I figured the best way to understand all this was to start at the beginning, i.e. he very first episode of the Jem and the Holograms cartoon conveniently titled The Beginning, which I was able to track down with ease on youtube. May I present:

The 12 Most Truly Outrageous Things About Jem and the Holograms Episode One:

1. Music, Fashion, Fame, UNEXPECTED DEATH.

Emerging from a sea of neon pink to the delight of a totally bananas paparazzi, Jem conjours up the rock-star image of glamour and exuberance. Until she shits on everybody's pillow by bringing up her father's unexpected death. As your young child blinks back the tears, Jem is swallowed by a drab world of grey, forced to attend the most depressing funeral ever to begin a Saturday morning cartoon. Awful.

2. Jem Lives in a Half-Way House With Urchins, Punks and Thieves.

Jem then spends the entire episode in a derelict boarding house, which may or may not be a shelter for absused/abandoned women. The entire place is crumbling around her and she is forced to deal with whining, idiot giggling, and petty theft from the orphans, miscreants, and punkers that cram head-to-toe on the filthy bunks. And then the show gets weird...

3. Guitar Motorcycles.

Jem probably owns part of her late father's record label, so she barges in - unannounced - to have a word with the corrupt CEO. Despite this being a completely unplanned and unwanted visit, the CEO has all three members of rival band, The Misfits, ready to ride in on motorcycles shaped liked guitars. Presumably, they've been waiting in the other room for such a moment for a long time. They then proceed to ride their guitar-bikes menacingly around Jem in what appears to be a football field sized room.

4. Magic Earrings.

Later that night Jem receives a mysterious gift from either Rio, or her father, or something. They are magical earrings which apparently are the source of all her power. We don't dwell on it too long because...

5. Jem is Visited by an Eyeless Ghost.

YEEAARRRGH! Get that creepy shit away from me! Seriously! The room grows dark and Jem is visited by a transparent, eyeless, souless, glowing devil lady who beckons her to follow! That is some messed up Dickens shit right there! What is going on here?

6. The Ghost Tells Them to Drive Through a Wall.

This has got to be a prank, right? The ghost (on foot) leads them to the deserted drive-in (in their beat-up van). And the ghost is all, "OK, so drive through this wall". And Jem's friends are like, "No, fuck that shit, that's a solid wall!" And the ghost is all, "Just do it!" And they're like, "Aw, hell naw!" And the ghost is, "Go on! It'll be awesome!" And they're like, "Yeah. Ok!" And they drive straight through the wall! Don't try that at home, kids. Walls can hurt.

7.The Ghost is a Computer.

Okay, so the ghost is actually a computer. Let's get this straight - Jem's father had a secret life where he shut himself off from his loved ones and built a secret computer inside the Drive-In which looks and talks like a woman. That seem a little off-putting to you? No? Then what do you think all those open tubes are for?

8. The Ghost Computer is Highly Illogical.

The computer is called Synergy and she can create music and holograms. The holograms can be used to change the girls' appearance - like to give them crazy stage clothes when they're in their band personas. So why does she also gift them an entire room full of real clothes? Then what are the holograms for, you stupid idiot?

9. Pornstachio Has a Suspiciously Convenient Map.

Naturally there's a battle of the bands - Jem and the Holograms and The Misfits decide that whoever is the most popular in the next six months will take control of the record label. Then ol' creepy Pornstachio here shows up out of absolutely nowhere - we've never seen this guy before - and he's like, "I'll sweeten the deal! I am a big-time movie producer and whoever wins will also star in a movie... AND I'll give them this mansion that you can see on this map!" And he has TWO lackeys who produce a map of a mansion. Where'd you get that map from, bro? Do your guys carry it around everywhere, just waiting for an opportunity like this? You're weird!

10. Did Clark Kent Cover This Story?

So The Misfits steal all The Holograms gear and there's a car chase, and Jem drives half off a cliff and needs the hunky Rio to bail her out (he is conveniently and coincidentally the only other car on the road). So Rio rushes to the scene, stands at the edge of the cliff and throws out the rope. So how the hell did the newspaper reporter snap that picture? They would have to have been floating in the air above the cliff. That's some weird Superman stuff going on. He's the only one who could accomplish that!

11. A Prowler Breaks Into the House.

Naturally the evil record executive is pissed, so what does he do? He hires a prowler to break into the boarding house and terrify the girls and smash up all their stuff. This happens with about a minute to go and it is pretty frightening considering the frivolous guitar-bikes from earlier.

12. EVERYBODY Dies in a Fire.

What you see there is the last shot of the band before the flames completely cover the screen. The prowler knocked over a lantern (they didn't pay their electricity bill) and the entire house gets engulfed. The fire spreads and... the end credits roll. There's not even a "to be continued". Imagine if this was the only episode you ever saw. Presumably everybody dies in the fire. What a downer!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Man-croscope does not lie! Jem and the Holograms is truly, truly, truly outrageous.

Thank you.