David Lurie

Taking a holiday from blogging

David Lurie — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 18:46:43 +0000

I’m going to take a break from blogging here for a while – I’m very low on time and between work, studying my part time Masters in Psychology at Birkbeck and my other (work) blog, something has to go… and it’s this one. I’m leaving it online and please feel free to enjoy and comment, but I’m taking the links to it from the menu bar above offline. I’ll add to it again when I have time!

Subverted Proverbs (Part 2)

David Lurie — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 06:41:34 +0000

“It’s better to travel hopefully than to arrive” – the official tourism slogan of Scunthorpe
It’s the early bird that catches the worm, but the later one that goes for a fry-up
Laughter is the best medicine, according to homeopaths
Life begins at forty (in imperial units)
Life’s not all beer and skittles, nowadays we have M&Ms too
Love is blind. Hence my ex-girlfriends
Misery is a stupid name to call your daughter
Monday’s child is fair of face, Tuesday’s child is full of grace, Wednesday’s child is full of woe,
Thursday’s child has far to go, Friday’s child is just in time to knock down the pub
Money doesn’t grow on trees, it grows in daddy’s wallet
Money talks (and you may be hearing voices)
Nature abhors a vacuum, unless it’s a Dyson. Everyone loves those.
Never go to bed on an argument, try a mattress
Never speak ill of the dead, they’ll get revenge when the zombie apocalypse starts
No news is good news
Nothing is certain but death and taxes (and certainty)
One swallow does not make a summer, but a wonderful end to an evening
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the property market
Gazpacho is a dish best served cold
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me (unless you throw a dictionary at me)
The best things in life are stolen
Back to the future 4: The child is the father of the man
The end justifies sitting through the credits
The road to hell is paved with proverbs
There are two sides to every question, or are there?
Time flies business class
Truth is stranger than fiction (Ulysses excepted)
When walls have ears, it’s time to clean the flat
You can’t get blood out of a stone, but you can beat someone to death with it and drink theirs instead

Club 18-30. Who invented that bollocks?

David Lurie — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 07:19:32 +0000

Flickr photo by ghostdad

I can think of absolutely nothing more horrifying in a holiday than the idea of club 18-30.

As I become aware that I’m 90% of the way towards hitting the top end of that scale, I have no idea what 30-year old in their right mind would actually want to go on a “clubbing” holiday.

Here’s a thought – do you reckon I could start up a company that arranges real clubbing holidays – in which you go to somewhere like Ibiza or one of those other horrible places with more English people than England, and club them to death?

Here’s some interesting facts about Club 18-30. The average age is 19… which means that taking into account a normal distribution, 99% of people are under the age of 22 inclusive, and I think that goes to about 99.99% once you hit 26.

A third are going on their first holiday without their parents. Aww, that’s sweet. I think my first holiday without my parents was 6 weeks travelling around the USA, on my own, at 18.

And their Wikipedia page links to Bebo. I didn’t know that still existed!

When I rule the world, I’ve decided anyone at university who becomes a club rep for one of these companies has their loans cut. And that will be that.

Subverted Proverbs (Part 1)

David Lurie — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 06:05:14 +0000

A dog is a man’s best friend, but only if he can’t play with his penis
A fool and his money are soon parted, so lend me a fiver
A friend in need is a friend indeed, but I’d rather you buggered off and left me alone
A good man is hard to find. Try looking in the cupboard.
A house is not a home. One ends with ‘ouse’ and the other with ‘ome’
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Thank god we have Peckham.
A miss is as good as a mile, but a missus is as good as a marathon
A penny saved is a penny earned. A pound stolen is easier.
A problem shared is a problem halved. Would you like half of my family?
A watched pot never boils. Try using a kettle instead.
Accidents will happen. I can’t wait.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Scary meme is scary.
Actions speak louder than words. So do politicians
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. So do blowjobs.
All things must pass, but please wait for the light to turn green first
All roads lead to Rome, except for the M25 which NEVER ENDS.
All’s fair in love and war. Except for monopoly. That’s never fair.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. So do electric fences
Ask a silly question and you’ll get a silly answer. Ask a sensible question and you’ll still get one.
Ask no questions and hear no lies. By the way, you look lovely.
Bad news travels fast. It’s the Daily Mail’s fault.
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but I wouldn’t admit to having lost your own kids in the supermarket.
Behind every great man there’s a great woman. Behind every great woman there’s her bloody mother.
Beware of Greek’s bearing gifts. Their economy has tanked, and they’re probably stolen.
Children should be seen and not heard. Try putting a transparent plastic bag over their head.
Clothes make the man. Third world children make the clothes.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless it has chocolate syrup on it
Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. Just write something rude on your forehead instead.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, a supermarket trolley is much bigger
Don’t teach your Grandma to suck eggs. She’d prefer an iPad.
Enough is enough. Tautology is tautology.
Every dog has its day. Jack Russell’s are on Wednesdays.
Every man has his price, and it’s even less if nudity is involved.
Fight fire with fire. Or with water, if you actually want it to work.
Genius is 1 percent inspiration, 99 percent bullshit
Good fences make good neighbours – they can sell you stuff at a discount rate
He who laughes last laughs longest. Everyone else has gone home.
If live deals you lemons, slice them and put them in a gin and tonic
It takes two to tango, but four to square dance

Dear Uncle Grotrat

David Lurie — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 17:43:29 +0000

Flickr photo by hellojenuine

Dear Uncle Grotrat,

I wanted to write to you to thank you for the truly wonderful birthday present you sent me. It was such a surprise, as my birthday is not even in this season – doubly so, as I’m not 30, despite what your card says.

I’m truly impressed by your aptitude for picking appropriate presents – of course as an apparent 30-year-old I can think of nothing better to wear to work than a tie with naked women on. Especially one that says “for ages 12-14” on the back of it. Unfortunately it’s just a little too short. Plus we’re not allowed to wear clip-ons.

I am sure however to find a good occasion to wear it. Perhaps to the next stripper’s wedding I attend, or to your funeral.

I’m glad you embraced my advice to you last year to get your vision checked out and I’m very pleased that you are no longer colourblind. I’m not entirely sure that’s an excuse for writing absolutely everything in alternating green and red letters though. I’ll send you the bill for the therapy.

I’m very much looking forward to visiting you and Aunt “Margaret with a soft ‘G’ like margarine” at Christmas. You will of course with your strong sense of time be aware that they’ve cancelling Christmas for the next two years, and that it will be in the middle of June in 2013. I know you spend every June having your colon irrigated, so do let me know if you want to reschedule to 2014.

Best wishes to your kids, I hope they get the straitjackets off soon.

Your loving nephew,

I remain,

David

When Customer Services Go Wrong (3) – Argos

David Lurie — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 06:21:21 +0000

Flickr photo by Dustin Diaz

Even though my Argos bed fiasco happened all the way back in 2005, it remains to this day the benchmark against which I judge all other customer services. It says a lot about Virgin Media and Sony Vaio that I’ve put them in the same bracket as Argos.

Back in my second year of university, I bought a double bed. I had a girlfriend moving in with me and didn’t want to spend a year cramped up in a single bed… although had I realised how badly insulated the house was I perhaps would have had a different perspective.

This bed arrived, from Argos and I put it together. I put down the wooden slats (thinking, at the time, that this bed wasn’t very well designed as shouldn’t a double have a supporting strut down the middle) and sat on the bed. And fell through it.

Turns out that – yes – a double bed really does need a supporting strut down the middle especially when it uses cheap wooden slats.

So I rang Argos, who sent me a replacement that arrived, six weeks later… without the wooden slats at all. And then they delivered the wooden slats a few days later. They were already broken this time.

And then another few weeks later they finally picked up the disaster that used to be a bed, and I bought one with metal supports… although I had to pay the difference.

After about £40 of phone calls and a number of letters, Argos eventually apologised. And that was it. And to this day, this is why I don’t buy from Argos, and why I tell everyone else never to buy from Argos.

Because as much as Virgin and Sony have pissed me off recently, I’m willing to bet that in 2017 I’m not still pissed off at them.

Winner (loser?) of the worst customer service award ever: Argos

…

Oh and by the way, there’s an ironic ending to that story. I moved out 6 months into my 12 month contract and bought myself out of the rest of the contract at great personal expense, because my flatmates were evil. ‘Nuff said.

When customer services go wrong (2) – Sony Vaio

David Lurie — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 07:28:49 +0000

Flickr photo by alonso_inostrosa

After writing my previous post about the terrible customer service of Virgin Media (which is fairly infallible, like death, taxes and bad haircuts) I have managed to quieten down the voice in my head that has been chanting “Bloody bastards” for the last week to write about Sony Vaio, who have over the last year provided some of the worst and some of the best customer service of my life.

Act the First

When the screen of my £2,500 Vaio Z developed a vertical black line, then a second, then a third, Sony picked it up, took it away to repair it, and brought it back.

They’d repaired it with the wrong screen – a 900p screen rather than my lovely 1080p screen.

Act the Second

The laptop went in for a second repair. They put on the right screen.

Act the Third

A few weeks later, the fan started rattling

It went for repair again

Act the Fourth

I went ballistic over Twitter and got the case escalated to the customer relations office (CRO). They replaced my laptop with a £4,000 model. I was happy

Act the Fifth,

My screen started leaking purple. See the photos:

AAARGH!

In the first phone call (of many) I moaned. They said the needed to see a picture and would call back between 9am and 930am the next day. They called back at 11am.

“I’m sorry sir but that can only have been caused by pressure on the screen, so we’ll have to charge for the repair”

“Huh – so you’re saying I damaged my laptop? Despite these marks appearing spontaneously?”

“Yes sir”

So I went back to their CRO.

Act the Sixth

I reopened the old case, when I’d had my laptop replaced, and asked for the chap (David Sweeney) who had been so helpful then to call me

INTERVAL

Act the Seventh

Over the course of one day, I had the following:

A phone call from the CRO saying David was on holiday and would call me on Monday (he didn’t).

A phone call from their normal support line saying they’d made a final decision and the damage was definitely my fault.

An email from a different person in their CRO, Donal O’Shea, saying

“I can see from reviewing the case that it was agreed to collect your Vaio for diagnosis. I can also see that unfortunately your unit has been diagnosed as physically damaged.It would be impossible for us to speculate as to what actually caused the damage and I can understand your point of view that it has not left your desk but clearly this issue is not related to any component failure and some form of external pressure has been applied to create this issue.

I can arrange to have to Vaio shipped back to you if you wish but should you choose to proceed with the repair then it will be chargeable”

I replied back (angrily, I admit) pointing out that to have the laptop shipped back to me it would have to not currently be sitting in front of me, and that they’d diagnosed it as physically damaged based on a photograph. A damned photograph!

Act the Eighth

I waited until Monday. I wasn’t called by Sony.

Act the Ninth

Despite this only appearing on Thursday, on Monday night I wrote this blog post

Act the Tenth

On Tuesday, I rang their press office. Maybe. If they didn’t call me before I got to it.

(It’s hard writing an act in advance of the fact.)

Then all hell broke loose.

EXEUNT

When customer services go wrong (1) – Virgin Media

David Lurie — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 17:43:49 +0000

Flickr photo by Sergeant Killjoy

I’ve had some pretty bad customer service over the years, and earlier this year I wrote a piece for the Guardian that highlighted how important a skill good customer service is.

So for this and the next three posts I’m going to tell you some stories!

Every so often I log onto the Virgin Media website website to see if there are any good upgrade deals. A few months ago I received a letter saying that for a one off £30 they’d upgrade me to 30MB and send me a superhub. So it was a pleasant surprise to see this: a free superhub!

So I got it.

And I got a message saying ‘if there is any additional cost we will ring you’ but they didn’t ring. Of course they didn’t. Free is free.

And then it arrived. And it was crap (known problems, such as mentioned hereLINK). But that was by the by, because a few days later I got my monthly bill… well over £100!

They had charged me £75 for the superhub- apparently the same thing keeps happening to people logging on when they’re on the old 20MB package.

So I rang them

“Youre wrong sir. It costs £75.”

Ah. Yes, clearly I have gone blind!

“Did I mention I have photographic evidence?”

“Email it to us and we will call you back”

…time passes…

“We’ve seen your photo. You should have read the small print… sir”

Cue vitriolic phraseology.

And I conclude with “you can bloody well pick it up then.”

“How is 8-12 Wednesday?”

So I wait until Wednesday and at 1pm I call and apparently there was something wrong with the way delivery had been organised. So I was told I’d get a call. At 2pm I get a call so it’s all, “well I’m not at home now, can you come back later?”

“How is seven pm?”

“Fine, come pick it up at 7″

Did they bollocks.

I eventually rang them yesterday, pointing out they’d said they wouldn’t refund me the £75 until the superhub had been picked up. Apparently they’d already given me the money back. Except it was only refunded to my virgin account, so while my next two bills will be £0 or so, my bank account is now lower than it should be. This of course has (tiny) interest implications, and seems dishonest, and slightly illegal to me. Certainly immoral… although the businessman in me is highly impressed, as all that extra money from cockups like this must add up.

Rest assured, if I write a follow up article profiling horrific customer service, Virgin Media will be one of them. And in the meantime, when my contract ends I’m going back to Sky.

Stay tuned, we’ve got Sony to come, and then Argos, who in 2005 provided the benchmark for poor service that has yet to be beaten.

Running: a progress report

David Lurie — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 07:18:58 +0000

5 seconds after this, I get eaten by a goat

When I wrote down, weeks ago, in my list of “upcoming blog posts” (a slightly sad looking excel spreadsheet buried in the depths of my folder hierarchy) that I was going to write a progress report on my running, I thought it would go something like the following:

“I’ve been running 10k three times a week and am on target to do the Royal Parks Half Marathon in well under 2:20, although I’m aiming for 2 hours”

Then I started to feel a bit injured after the JPMorgan 5.6k Corporate Challenge.

Then I felt more injured after the London British 10k (and got a personal worst) – see the picture above.

Then I didn’t run for a week and a half.

Then I ran a casual 10k, and about 2k in went, “Ouch”. Then after 3k I went “OOoof”. Then at 4k I went “Bloody hell my knee hurts, I should stop and go home” and at about 4.1k I went “naaah, I can run through it”. At 6, 7 and 8k I stopped for a few moments.

At 9k I was basically crying, but thought “only 1k to go”

At 10k I thought, “yes, made it!”

At 10.01k (two flights of stairs up to my flat) I was calling myself names.

At 10.01k + 2 hours I couldn’t walk… and I didn’t walk again for 2 days. I didn’t walk without limping for 2 weeks.

The doctor says I have fluid behind the knee, and am suffering from “Runner’s Knee” (apparently something to do with my knee, and my running… like I couldn’t tell that)

I have 8 weeks until my half marathon. I am not training. I cannot run. It hurts when I walk long distances.

But I’ve raised over £500, so I’m committing now – even if I have to walk the entire bloody thing, I will be finishing the Royal Parks Half Marathon.

Sponsor me here – I’m only £180 from my goal at time of writing, please help push me over!

I’ve clearly forgotten how to relax

David Lurie — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 13:08:34 +0000

The problem with me is…

Hang on, that’s not going to come out right.

One of the many problems with me is… (ah, that’s better)… that I’m a bit of a control freak, and I take it too far. I have a to-do list that recently had the following sections on it:

Short term (Personal)
Short term (Work)
Books to Read (this has about 20 books on it)
Games to play
Long term goals

At a given weekend, .as each of the psychology articles will have its own entry on the to-do list, the list will have about 50 items on it at the start of the weekend, and still have 25 at the end.

Unless you have some form of addiction (let’s say caffeine, or smoking) and have had the pleasure of assuaging your cravings after a lengthy time without fulfilment, you won’t understand the wonderful feeling I get when I finish a book, or a game, or an article, or writing a blog post, and get to knock something off the to-do list. Each time it happens I can see myself getting closer and closer to having absolutely nothing on my to-do list.

It’s never happened, mind you.

In fact, recently I took off the long term goals section (write a novel, write a sitcom etc.) because they would, inevitably, have prevented me from ever finishing the to-do list, or at least not before I retired. Or died.

That pleasure – getting back to the point – of removing things off the to-do list is immense, but much like cigarettes or coffee, it takes more and more to get the same effect… and the pleasure has started to be removed. When you start saying that finishing off a game, or reading a good book, is part of your to-do list, you start rushing for the sake of completion, rather than slowing it down and enjoying things. And while this means I get through a phenomenal number of tasks each year, etc. etc. it does somewhat take the pleasure out of life.

Plus it seems to cause insomnia.

By which I mean, I work until I go to sleep. Then I wake up in the middle of the night and work. Then I wake up. And work.

And by work, I mean anything.

Because now everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, feels like work.