Awesomely Luvvie

iRock the Red Pump

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 09:00:00 +0000

Every 35 minutes, a woman tests positive for HIV in the United States. This is this year’s theme for National Women and Girls’ HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (NWGHAAD). Created by the Office of Women’s Health, NWGHAAD is March 10th of every year. Its goal is to serve as a day for women to come together to encourage dialogue and educate women and girls about the HIV/AIDS epidemic and its increasing impact.

I am proud to be the co-founder of The Red Pump Project and one of the people “Rocking the Red Pump” to commemorate this day with millions of other women across the country.

I “Rock the Red Pump” because:

• Black women make up 66% of all new diagnoses of HIV in women
• Women are the caretakers and when we get sick, it truly affects those around us
• HIV is nature’s natural oxymoron. Sex is supposed to bring forth life, not take it.
• HIV is one of the deadliest diseases in the world, yet it’s one of the few that isn’t communicable (like malaria) or initiated within the body (like cancer)
• I want women to be empowered to live well with the disease (if they are positive) and for those who don’t have it to make sure they don’t get it

I also “Rock the Red Pump” because I feel like it’s my life’s work.

For these and countless more reasons, I will continue to “Rock the Red Pump.”
So this is the 2nd of many NWGHAAD where you will find me “Rocking the Red Pump” to represent the strength and courage of those women affected directly and indirectly by the HIV/AIDS epidemic. Awareness is always in style.

Here's a list of other blogs that are "Rocking the Red Pump" today:

::fbi:: {feel beautiful inside} the blog | *EssenseVibez | A Day in the Life | A Lady’s Perspective | A Taste of Angel Cake | AAUW | Adventures in Divorce | Aesthetic Design Style | Affrodite | Afrobella | Aisha Turman | Allegory of an Underage Femme Fetale | AroundHarlem.com | Art Aids Art | Artiatesia Deal | AS USUAL | Ask Sassy Scribe | Awesomely Luvvie | BeautySchooled | Belle Noir Magazine | Big. Beautiful. You. | Belle Black Girl Blogging | Black Gives Back | Black is Breezie | Black Vixen Beauty | Black Woman Lost & Found | Bourgie, Interrupted | Brownngirl | C'est La Vie | ChiTown Fashionista | Chronicles of a Skinny Black Girl | Chronicles of an Uppity Chick | Circa 1982: Ramblings of a Little Brown Girl... | Clumps of Mascara | Coming of Age | Curvatude - Living Curvy and Plus Size with Attitude | CurvyGurl Chronicles~ Living La Vida Inspired! | Da Fashionist | Diary of Curvy Jones | Diva Living with AIDS | Divas Ranting | Dream As If You'll Live Forever | Elbie | Elegant Ignance | Empress Says | Enlightn Me | Enlightn Me Events | Fabulous Moms in Charlotte | Fantastical Randomocity | Fashion. News. Updates. Shoes - Pumpsicle | Fear is no Factor | Feel Free to Answer Your Questions | Finding Me | Flaimahmy Magazine | [Fung'Ke][Blak][Chik] | Get Yoself Together | Happy Being Me | Having My Cake and Eating It Too | Healthier, Happier, You!!!! | Hey You Asked! | Hope Is Our Path | I'll Think of a Title Later | I'm Just Teling You How I See It | Idaya Magazine | Idiosyncratic Thoughts of an Unheeded Prophetess | Ifelicious | Illustrocity | Intellectual Soul || Music with an I.Q. | Inverted Reflection | Ironically Aaronica | Island Mompreneur | Jenifer Moore Online | Jenny P. || INSPIRATION | Jessica's Jewels | La Petite Maitresse | Lady Spin Doctors | Living Outside the Stacks | Luvv Divine | MamaLaw: Evidence for Our Insanity Plea | Max Logic | Megan’s Minute | Miss Jia: She Ain’t For Everybody | Moving Towards Peace | Mrs Windy City UnPluGGed | MsQuitey’s Place | My 927 Charlotte | My Beautiful Cocoon | My Black Girl Site | My Brown Baby | My Legal Belle | My Life – A Work In Progress | My Life...in Pics & Words | My Polar Opposite | Naked and Natural | Negrita’s Chronicles | Nola Girl in Transition | Not So Idle Thoughts and Musings | Nu Kynk | Of Service: A Life Lived for Others Pampered Sweet Tooth | Pigments and Potions | Planting Seeds | Pontificating Brother | Pop Rockets | Pretty Investigations | Project Nefertiti | Random and Pressing Details | Reaching Within | Reads4Pleasure | Reflections of a Gemini Artist | Reina’s Song | rellisonphotography | RSVP Event Planning and Management | Sable Verity | Secret Diaries of a Wannabe Yummy Mammy | Shannon Sez So | Shoes N Booze | Situations with Sassy | So Tenacious | Sojourners Verdad | Stripped | SURRENDERDOROTHYBLOG.COM | Tea and Such | That One Chick | The Anti-Hair Slave | The Atlanta Mompreneur | The Attic of My Mind | The Bead Dreamer | The Beauty XChange | The BlogRollers | The Broken Brown Egg | The Cocoa Diaries | The Essence of Full-Figured Entertainment | The Evolution of the Cubicle Crusaders | The Fabulous Do Gooder | The Fabulous Giver | The Fit Lounge | The FoolProof Diva | The Glamizon Chronicles | The Plus Academy: Ready to Runway | The Sassy Peach | The Single Dame (R) | The Soundtrack of My Life | The Young and Disenchanted | Things Aren’t Always as They Appear | ThinkAct: Proactive Black Blogging | This Ain’t That | Thoughts of a Jersey Girl | Thoughts on Being Seen | Total Life Prosperity Blog | Urban Perspective | Victor Amos Blog | We Are Black Women | A Blog Network With A Positive Difference | What DC People Hate | What Would Thembi Do | Where in the World... | Where My Ladies At? Women in Hip Hop | Whittier Rio Hondo AIDS Project | Wife Mother First Lady | Women of the African Diaspora | Www.krystalgrant.com | XI Magazine Online | Young Lioness

Oh and these are the ACTUAL Red Pumps I'm Rocking today:

Ladies, upload YOUR Red Pump pictures to our Flickr group or our Facebook page!

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P.S. Join us for a Twitter Townhall at 1pm CST. We'll be moderating a discussion on Twitter asking folks "Why do you Rock the Red Pump?" and other questions pertaining to HIV/AIDS and women.

Fall Heard ‘Round the World

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 08:00:00 +0000

Okay so I’m not the most graceful of people. It’s part of the reason I’m not a dancer (that and my lack of talent. But semantics). There are countless F My Life tales from high school of when my feets failed me.

Picture it, Chicago 2001…

A young Luvvie was loitering in the school afterhours, being cool and whatnot (O__o). We had just finished leaning on lockers in leather jackets and tripping the uncool kids. You know, a regular day in high school. Anyway, me and my posse were chilling in one of the school’s 4 cafeterias and hangout spots. This was the Blue House and it faced the entrance to the school where the busses and the parking lot was. The incredibly cool school was glass all around so you could see outside from any most places. Well one of my friends was heading home so she left the posse to go to the bus stop. When she got outside, she yelled up to say “bye.” My back was to her but I heard her voice so I got up to wave, not knowing my bookbag was on the floor behind my chair, on its side. This all happened in slow-motion, and I will try to describe it to a tee.

*pushes chair back*
*stands up*
*swivels left leg to the side*

As I'm getting up and hollering “Bye gurl!”
*left leg gets caught in bookbag arm*
*ankle gets tangled in bookbag arm*
*loses balance and starts falling AND verrrryyy slowly*

*thinking oh crap*
*sees friend’s face go from :-D to :-\ to :-O*

Longest 2 secs ever….

BAM!
FACE PLANT ON THE FLOOR

WOMP!

Posse: :-O

Me: *Gets up looking mad disheveled*
*permed hair askew*
*pride hurt*
“I’m alright”

EVERYONE: Ok good. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*fall off chair laughing*

Then our Vice Principal, whose office is like half the length of a football field away walks over and says “Wowwww! I saw that. Are you alright?”
Me: “Yeah”
VP: *with smirk on his face trying not to laugh.* "That was a nasty fall."
Me: “I’m fine”

To say my pride was hurt is an understatement. The only saving grace was that since it was afterschool, it wasn’t crowded. I’m not sure Humpty’s fall was greater than mine. But there were no Kings Horses or Kings men to put my pride together again. Twas on the floor in pieces. Lawdhamercy. I don’t even remember feeling any physical pain. My pride was way too hurt for anything else to matter.

Everyone had to compose themselves after a while because they had laughed so hard. I’m so glad YouTube ain’t exist then because it may have become the Y2K Scarlet’s Tumble.

FAIL!!!

But umm... AweLuvvers. Sharing is caring. Has something this bad happened to you before? A blog family that shares embarrassing stories together STAY together.

Luv Bulletin
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I'm launching AweLuv Inc., my new social media consulting firm. I'm SUPER proud to have Rae Lewis-Thornton as the FIRST client! I'm doing social media strategy and execution. Basically, I'm making folks' eLives rock socks! So this includes helping them with their branding, creating blogs/sites and whatever else is needed to establish your online presence awesomely.

For my 9-5, I do some social media strategy and workshops for organizations. Now, I can do it for regular individuals who want to be great online!

But yeah, Rae's my first client, and her blog is called "Diva Living With AIDS." She was on the cover of Essence Magazine in 1994, telling her story about "Facing AIDS." That woman has LIVED and I'm SO EXCITED she chose me to launch her site for her. Y'all need to GETCHU A PIECE!

I'll be launching my company's site soon so stay tuned. In the meantime, if you're interested in becoming a client, shoot me an email. HEYYYYYYYYYYY!!! :-D

Rocking that Red Pump. Are you?

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 10:04:00 +0000

Hey AweLuvvers! By now, you probably know that my heart is the organization I founded my girl Karyn of The FabGiver. The Red Pump Project is the reason why I'm up until 2am or 3am every night. But I can't fee

Anywho, six weeks ago, we launched our "500 in 50" blogger outreach campaign to get 500 blogs "Rocking the Red Pump" badge in the 50 days leading up to March 10 (National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day - NWGHAAD). The response has been great but we are nearing the end of our campaign and we are still short of our goal. Tell your friend to tell a friend about this campaign!

To get the code, go to here and embed the badge on your sidebar. Then send an email to rocktheredpump@theredpumpproject.com with your site links and we will add your blog to the list of 500 in 50 participants. This list will be posted online shortly to highlight everyone who is "Rocking the Red Pump" for our cause.

The goal of our campaign is to bring awareness to NWGHAAD and to create an open dialogue about HIV/AIDS and how it impacts our community. Here are some steps you can take on March 10:

Dedicate your blogpost to the issue of HIV/AIDS and women. You could even write on the topic of "Why I Rock the Red Pump."

Wear Red Pumps on that day, and upload a picture of them to our Flickr group.

Join us for our Twitter Townhall. Starting at 1pm CST, we will kick off a discussion on Twitter surrounding issues around HIV/AIDS and women. We want to hear what you have to say about the epidemic and its effect on women. Be sure to use the hashtag #redpump

Be empowered!

If you don't have a blog, you can also "Rock the Red Pump" by making your Facebook profile picture the Red Pump badge on. Just right click and save this badge, then upload it to your Facebook profile page.

So GETCHU a piece of that!!! See? i'm not ALL jerk. Just 65%. :-D

P.S. Check the timestamp. Yes, it's accurate. See how much I LOVE this org???

Alleged FAMU Secks Tape - FreshXpress Xclusive

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 15:19:00 +0000

Hey folks. I wrote this post exclusively for TheFreshXpress.com. Here's a teaser. Read the rest and comment here:

****

I was on Twitter last night and I kept seeing people being outraged over FAMU. I had no idea what it was about so I posed the question of ”What happened at FAMU? I’m outta the loop like a square peg.” Within a minute, 15 people responded to me saying there was a sextape featuring FAMU students in an orgy. A couple of those even provided me with the link.

I clicked on it and saw this grainy, low budget video (as expected). The first shot was of a dude tongue chexing a chick who was back to the camera. Then the camera showed the room had about 4 or 5 other people, all performing tongue chex on each other. iCringed. It didn’t help that none of them was particularly attractive, but that’s neither here nor there. Then the video started getting slow and pausing. Finally about 2 minutes in, the chextape just froze. I took it as the universe’s way of saying “You don’t need to be watching this.”

Read the rest on the FreshXpress site

GAHTDAMB Courtney Love

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 08:55:00 +0000

I'm tah'd and it's late (look at the timestamp) so I'mo make this short. I was minding my own business like I like to do (O__o) when my homette Afrobella hit me up on Twitter talmbout "You looking for a new background? Drink that cold glass of water" And then linked me to THIS SITE. I mean, of course she was right. I was in need of a new Twitter background but LAWD!

What in ALL that is holy, sanctified and revered happened to Courtney Love. GAHTDAMB!!! I need her to read the "Dear Lindsay Lohan" letter I wrote last week. And PUT DOWN THE COKE! Seriously. Coke is a BAD drug. Her pores are so big that they could swallow me whole. She looks like what Lady Gaga WANTS to look like when she puts on her makeup and crazy costumes.

I just throw holy water at Courtney, yell "The power of Christ compels you!" Then I'd say a prayer to God telling him that I found Shadrach and Meshack's Billy Goat.

Just... GAHT... DAMB!

iCan't.

P.S. To all the people who cussed me out for making this my Twitter background, don't blame me. Blame that Afrobella womans! She clearly wished for this ratchetness to see the world. And she used me as a vessel. LOL! That's my story and I'll be dambed to be Courtney Love's penthouse sweet in Dereon Hell if I ain't gon stick to it. NO SAH!

Mornings are Wack

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 07:15:00 +0000

*grumbles* Happy Monday. O__O (What's happy about it? I know. I ask the same thing).

As y'all will often see, I post my blogs at like 2am sometimes. Not only am I most productive when it's dark out, I don't remember ever being an early-to-bed kinda person. My Mom told me I was born in the middle of the night. I can't remember the exact time but it makes perfect sense. Even when I was little, I'd cry when I got sent to bed because I felt like I was missing something. I had the mentality that if I went to bed early, I'd be tardy for all the parties. What party at the age of 7? I'm not sure. Many a night, did I get my butt whooped before bed because I cried. In fact, I think I was born in the middle of the night.

Anywho, I'm a night owl. This is why I HATE mornings. I wake up TOO groggy and sluggish. I always snooze at least twice too. But after that, I almost fall outta bed in protest. I get outta bed most mornings, thank God for letting me see another day, and then proceed to scowl for at least 2 hrs.

I don't understand morning people either. I take personal offense and affront to people who are cheerful in the morning. You see them on the bus. They're the ones who come on and greet the bus driver with vigor and skip to their seats. I always pray these people don't end up sitting next to me. Don't come hopping your Mr. Rogers ass in my face before 11am. I was talking to someone on the phone one morning and I went

"*grumble grumble* How are you doing?"
Him: AWESOME!!!
Me: What??? AWESOME?!? It's 9am. Uh uh. I gotta go. You are far too jolly at this time of day. *click*

Shoo. How can you be jolly in the morning? HOW?!?!? Adding to my disdain for mornings is the fact that I don't drink coffee. I think coffee tastes like diet cough syrup and loss so I don't partake. You can find me on my bus commute taking a nap. I bet there are many pictures of me floating around as people picture messaged their friends talmbout "See this chick on the bus KNOCKED OUT!" I bet in at least one of them, my mouth is wide open.

My brain just doesn't function before 11am. So all you giddy morning people that try to have me, you know, talk, don't take offense to my sharp side-eye. I'll like you again at 11:01. Till then, leave me be and let me be great in my morning crankiness.

Maybe I just have a case of the Mondays. No. It's the Monday Mornings, which are the worst. Because they are the longest time til the weekend. Am I alone in this? Who feels my pain?

NAACP Image Awards Were Decent

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 16:00:00 +0000

I don't typically blog on Saturdays, but there was an awards show on last night and I got my phonecall from my sis reminding me to do a recap. Couple of months ago, I wrote about the NAACP Image Awards Nominees FAIL, and they just aired the event itself. On Fox. Yes, I'm shocked too. Well, then again. They aired it on a Friday night. How many award shows are shown on the day that's known to have such low TV viewers? Well whatever.

So my recap shall be in question form. I live-tweeted the show and acted a plum fool. I was pretty surprised I didn't end up in Twitter jail. These are pretty much my tweets.

* Why does Kompa music go so HARD? I love it! Reminds me of Nigerian music. *dances to the floor*. *gets back up* *knees hurting*

* Why did Wyclef bring on bring Carnivale to NAACP Image Awards and got the party started? All the non-coloreds (Read: Sandra Bullock) look real intrigued!

* Why did I not realize that Keri Hilson performed with Wyclef? How aint I see her on stage? Oh yeah... she's kinda boring. Carry on...

* Why is Lance Gross so FAHN?!?! I'd go A.Keys for him!!! #EvaWho #Homewrecking *faints*

* Why is Keke Plamer a breath of fresh air? Finally, a teenager that doesnt act too grown for herself. HEYYY Keke gurl!!! She's soooo cute. Loved to see her win an award. She was genuinely thrilled too.

YES KEKE!!! Love her!! (Pic: NecoleBitchie)

* Why did Sherri Shepherd's hairhat not *pause*, not... curl all the way over? It was like follicular Lil Luffa.

* Why's Dule Hill still segzy even with that large forehead? I'ont care if u disagree. Shoo... He got something bout him...

* Am I the only one who gets kinda uncomfy when I see grown men cry on TV? But I do applaud Darryl "Chill" Mitchell. I'm not being a jerk. I'm just saying. Darryl has done well for himself and bounced back from that accident way better than a lotta people can. *applause* Plus he can actually act.

* Why is Jamie Foxx's hairline ever-revolving? His hairline is like a fingerprint. Never replicated.

* Why is Berry Gordy so old that he was Jesus' sandal buffer, but still looks good?

* Why do old people would rock 18 million patterns in one outfit? They'd wear a suit in pinstripe with a plaid shirt and a paisley tie talmbout "I look SHAAAPP younghead!" You look like a kaleidoscope O_O *looks at Clarence Avon*

* Why did Chris Rock make a movie named "Good Hair" but he can't find a good barber? His haircut was subpar.

* Why did host Hill Harper change into a Deacon O'Dell pinstripe 3-piece suit, ooking like the Qwa Director's straight nephew?

* Why do I love Tyler Perry/Madea and I'ont care who knows it?

* Why does Cicely Tyson look good for being 546 years old? She is Adam and Eve's middle child. She's Moses' aunty by marriage. LOVE her tho! #Legend. And also, no shade (O__O) but who made Cicely's ponytail so tight? Talk about an instant face lift. Ok ok ok... I'm done. iQuit. #LuhUMsTyson

* Hey Jill Scott, you know I love you, right? Why did you have on a segzy formal bathrobe? I'm just wontering.

* Is LL Cool J bleaching? Why is he looking extra bright?. Is this what LL in Winter look like??? He needs a tan.

* Why was I so GEEKED when Mo'nique won the award? She deserved it. She played THE HELL out that role. Even with a floral negligee onesie on. WERK MO!!!

* Why was Quentin Tarantino wearing a crushed velvet kimono?!? Japanese folks are like 'We're not flattered. SADDOWN"

* Isn't Morgan Freeman like that old Qwa director that everyone loves because he won the church a buncha trophies but rumors are that he's dating the young deaconness O__O? Morgan is the school principal that saved the school from closing down but may have dated a student. Wait... this sounds familiar. Morgan Freeman is the confederate soldier who led his troops to victory but possibly slept w/ the volunteer nurse. #GloryDeez

* Why do I think Anika Noni Rose is so adorable? I just wanna put her in my pocket and take her places with me.

* Did John Legend miss his hairdressing appointment? He didn't put that ultra perm in his hair. I aint never seent his hair looking so type 4B. He's usually 3C. Maybe John Legend ran out of activator. But aint his hair usually shiny and coily?

* Why was I surprised to hear Gabby Sidibe's speaking voice? Gabby doesnt sound like I expected her to sound in real life. Weird. But I really hope Hollywood doesnt forget bout Gabby Sidibe after "Precious." If LisaRaye can get 1 or 2 roles, Gabby should get 40. If Rihanna can have a SINGING deal, Gabby Sidibe better be offered some roles in more movies!

* Am I the same one who gets uncomfortable when I see/hear "It's the God in me" being performed by Mary Mary? Fact that its the same beat to "Blame it on the Alcohol" makes me unceasy. I'm not sposed to headbanging to a gospel song. I already did the bankhead bounce to "Stomp."

* Why is Fox bogus? They cut off Mary Mary's performance. All I saw was one of the Marys dropping to the floor in dance. She ain't come back up before I saw "FOX NEWS" flash on my screen. WOMP.

Anywho. Those were my thoughts. Did I miss anything?

Pics found at RandB blog

Dear Lindsay Lohan

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:30:00 +0000

I came across a picture of Lindsay Lohan yesterday, and promptly made it my Twitter background because it made me cackle SO loudly, that I didn't know what to do with myself. After that happened, and people clicked on my Twitter page, they quit me for not warning them. But yeah, Lindsay Lohan has earned this sternly-worded letter.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

How did you get here? You were sooo cute in Parent Trap, with your innocent smiling face and those adorable freckles. It was like someone combed Pippy Longstocking's hair and brought her to life. SO cute!

And then... things went down the drain. You started hanging out with the likes of Britney Spears (during the K-Fed era), Paris Hilton (and her stash of Valtrex) and Nicole Richie (who never saw a sammich she liked. Dang that chick is skinty!). I'm not saying they caused your problems, but I am saying you four were a crew that epitomized bad influence. You were a Quad of Quite Bad Decisions.

Anywho, then came all the bad stuff. You started getting skintier by the day. You were never a size 0. You had a little baby fat on you and it was fine. Next thing I see, you're looking like Amy Winehouse's red-headed stepsister with lice (and we already KNOW how Amy is). Everywhere you went, you shunned drawers and made it a point to let us know about it. I can't count how many pictures I came across perusing TMZ, with your unloved Love Pocket exposed to the world. This is when you earned the horrible (yes hilarious) nickname, Firecrotch. I hope they used it just because your drapes matched your carpet. But I'm afraid it was for another reason (*cue "Great Balls of Fire" instrumental). I'm just saying. I'm hoping that firecrotch wasn't burning with the gift that keeps on giving. That'll be turrble.

Wait... where was I?

Oh yes. I could create a little list of things you've done in the past 5 yrs that have been out of pocket but I don't wanna turn this into a tome the size of the Dead Sea Scrolls. I just know that countless DUIs (including one where you apparently kidnapped 3 Black men), your lesbian phase (that ended up in your ex-girlfriend's family looking to get a restraining order on you), and your obvious abuse of coke, HERE YOU ARE.

Yes, we're aware that your daddy ain't worth the stuff in my niece's diaper after she just ate beans and yogurt. And your mother... well, she's not much of a pillar to hold on to either. Some folks have to find a way to make do IN SPITE of the dysfunction they come from.

Honestly, LiLo, I had even slightly forgotten that you existed for a minute because I haven't seen you work in a long while. Until I saw this picture yesterday...

*faints* That twitchy eye just DID me in! (pic from Bossip)

GAHTDAMBBB dawg!!! What in the deuce happened to you? You about kilt me dead when I saw the picture of you. You looked at least two hours post-mortem. Seriously. That picture will haunt my hopes and dreams, and no unicorn could protect me.

You look dried up, like a dream deferred. *cues violins* You look like life dragged you through a crackhouse and left you there. You look like a Golden Girl reject. Even Dorothy and Sofia ain't look this beat up. You look like you've been dropkicked through the goalposts of life! Just... DAMB, Lindsay.

After I laughed until my tummy hurt, and had to compose myself, I did feel bad. I did.

If you see this picture of yourself and it doesn't force you into sobriety from all your vices, I'm not sure what can. That image is a reality b*tch slap. Every cigarette you've chain smoked, all the cocaine you've snorted and all the alcohol in your blood has made your face look like a wrinkled shirt.

So Lindsay, I hope you're getting yourself in order. Let's not have another picture like this one. It's so scary that Beetlejuice went and ducked behind the Lochness Monster who was hiding behind Bigfoot.

I'd insert XOXO here but hugs and kisses to you ain't what I'd wanna do. Um... let's do

Air Kisses from afar,

LuvBug

P.S. Yes, air kisses works.

Oh, and here are some of the tweets from my Twitfam. They're foolish.

iCan't with none of y'all!!!

Ok so methinks what Lindsay needs is prayer and some holy water. I threw some Holy Water at my screen but that eye was still wonky. And since I've been acting such a complete fool lately, the Big Man may give me the side-eye if I try to do pray on her behalf. Y'all can leave comments of prayer for the child.

IG Fashions - Getchu a piece

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 16:00:00 +0000

*Shameless Plug Alert*

So as some of you may know, I have an Awesome T-Shirt store that I created, with swag that has my favorite sayings on it. You too can proclaim to the world: iCant. iRebuke it. *wall slide*. Go SADDOWN. etc. Below are just 8 out of the 22 shirts I have available. Visit Luvvie's Awesome T-Shirt Store to see the rest and ROCK YOUR IG!

My homie Adria Richards bought the first shirt!!! iHeart her.

So support your favorite blogger's favorite blogger and getchu a piece of one of these tshirts. Your life will be better for it. Oh and when you get the tshirt, send me a picture of you rocking it. Kthxbai!!!

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Follow me on Twitter: @LuvvieIG

Join my Facebook Fan Page (where foolery that doesn't make it here can happen)

Babies having babies... in Jordan's

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 06:00:00 +0000

I read an article the other about a 9-year-old Chinese girl who gave birth 2 weeks ago and my mouth dropped to the floor. What in the deuce?!? A 9-yr old having a baby? Of course this REEKS of some foul play but it got me to thinking. What is this world COMING to? At 9 years old, babies were the last things on my mind. At 9, I still thought boys had cooties. I was still busy bugging my mama to buy me erasable pens (with its fickle ink). Not birthing no babies!!! At 9yrs old, I was still putting Elmer's Glue on my palm so I could peel it off. THAT was my pasttime. Not grinding on boys.

Sidenote: Tell me y'all aint enjoy when the school glue would get messy and you had to spend 10mins peeling the glue off your fingers and hands. Oh. Just me??? O__O

Also, I'm a fan of that MTV show "16 & Pregnant." They've featured some of the most shallow teenaged girls on there, who found themselves pregnant and mostly not ready to be mothers. Some of these girls are RIDICULOUS dumb. Like the one who was 8 months pregnant and went clubbing with her friends. Her mother asked her why she was going out, and the belligerent dummy replied talmbout "Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I can't go out." O_____O I wanted to reach through the TV and slap her silly.

What would I do if my teenage daughter was to come home pregnant? First, I'd pass CLEAN out and wail and lament to the Lord, asking where I went wrong as a parent. And I'd also ask whether it's punishment for all my years of roasting folks. Then I'd bust into an epic *WALL SLIDE.* Then I'd tell my child that above all, she was being selfish, turning me into a Grannie before my time. And then I'd say "You see this fabulousity? Ain't nobody 'sposed to call me Granny for AT LEAST 10 yrs." It'd be turrble.

Not me man! Not me!

For me, having a child as a teen wasnt an option. I'd shame my whole family and ancestors. Africans aren't having that! Your actions are KNOWN to reflect on not just you or your parents, but everyone who is behind you. I never got "the talk" but knowing that a large group of people would be sooo disappointed scared me straight enough. I am NOT bold. Boys??? NAW MAN! I'll pass. Shoot... My mama woulda promptly send me back to Naija to get my life in order. #NoMamNoGirl

In High School, I told my mom a classmate of mine was preggo and she went: "EH!!! What are her parents going to do? You betta not talk to her!" I wanted to tell Mom "Umm... pregnancy isnt contagious" but I also valued the taste in my mouth so I jus sharraped and shrugged.

Another thing: I really dont understand why urban youths buy their babies expensive shoes. Why is your baby 2 months rocking hard bottom timbs or Jordans? Unless you can REALLY afford to spend $200 on shoes your baby can wear for 3 days, why is a 2-wk old rocking jordan's? WHY PRAY TELL???

In fact, if you're buying your baby some hard bottom shoes before they learn to walk, it can mess up their foot arches. Get them some Robeez and call it a day! They say children who can't walk are best left in socks or barefoot (if at home) or in soft shoes. Timbs for babies are BAD. #DontDoIt

<---Dopest baby kicks! All they need before they can walk. Yes, Robeez. You can PayPal me some Dereon dollars for this advertisement. If y'all don't PayPal me, I'll have to tell folks they have knockoffs at WalMart and Target. Oh wait... I just did. WOMP.

If you're an urban youth, still in high school, with a baby in Gucci shoes, you need your tubes forcibly tied. Clearly, you've got wrong priorities. *urban youth high-pitched squeal "YALL SEE MY BABY'S FIT?!? HE RAW AINT HE??? He keep it one hunnid! *pops gum*" O___O #GoToClass. Babies walking 'round with Coogi outfits on but they're eating generic enfamil because "that stuff too expensive." GTFOH.

Or the urban youth fathers: "Man, I DO for my son. I just bought him a pair of Ones LAST WEEK! What else she want from me?!?" O__O

Until my kids can WALK, they will not be getting anyhing name brand (unless someone else buys it for em). Shoo... even then. Children's Place FTW!!! I love Children's place. My niece's whole wardrobe is from there. I'm a VIP there lol. Like Norm from Cheers. "Luvvie!!!"

Even when my kids are grown and they're like "Can we get the new *insert popular designer shirt* here?* I'mo make them a Gordon Gartrell. "This is nice too!" o__O LOL I'mo be so turrble!

Moral of this story: ~~Put the fear of the ancestors in your children so they don't come home preggo~~. ~~If you buy Gucci for your baby and you're still in high school, you're a dummy~~. ~~Don't get kids until you're done running the streets.~~

So... what would Y'ALL do if your teenager ended up preggo? Would you *WALL SLIDE?* What does one do?

Edit: The comments under this post have pretty much murked my soul. iCan't go on. THIS one and THIS especially. WHAT IN THE WORLD?!?

LifeSpace Organizer Needed

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 14:30:00 +0000

So a while back, there was a story floating around about a college student who put out an ad for a personal assistant on Craigslist. And he got 100s of inquiries. I realized that if a lowly undergrad (no offense. Sidenote: Anytime that is used, it pretty much guarantees that the person it's being said to will be offended) can get a personal assistant, well then so can I. And I actually got business.

Here's my ad:

Looking for a Lifespace organizer. I don't like the phrase "personal assistant" because it ain't segzy enough. In fact, it's more of an "Executive Assistant" position, since everything being done will pertain to my side hustles. LifeSpace organizer works so I shall keep it. Anyway, Top Flight Luvvie of The World is looking for LifeSpace organizer to get her lifespace... well, organized. I know I'm not important or nothing but being an overachiever (read: lover of "Doing Too Much") is tiring.

Working fulltime at one organization, running a national nonprofit, and writing for fitty-eleben sites is taking a toll on this poor little African girl. I sleep so little that you can just call them "extended blinks." I have about 8 email accounts I check daily (1 for my general email, 1 for my blog, 1 for my job, 1 for my professional life outside of my job, 1 for Red Pump Project, 1 for bills and important stuff... and I forget the other 2), seven Twitter accounts I tweet from (yes, they're all necessary for all the random things I do).

This wont be you. Besides, it's the color RED. Tee hee.

You as a LifeSpace Organizer will be super important. Especially since I'm more senile than an All-the-timer's patient. You will be the good angel on my shoulder, making sure the devil on the other shoulder (aka forgetfulness & procrastination) doesn't get the best of me. You'll be helping me with Red Pump work, blog stuff and other randoms. You'll help me answer emails from time-to-time. You can also remind me to go places I tell folks I'mo be (seriously. If I don't set a Google Calendar reminder, I get a text like "You coming?" Me: "Where?" O__O FAIL!!!)

Ability to cook delicious rice is optional, but it will win you brownie points. You must understand my love of shoes. You may even partake in it. Every once in a while, you can send me an email telling me how awesome I am (Ok I'm just kidding. Unless you're willing to do it. Then I'm all for it. Hehe No just playing... Or am I?)

Payment will be in the form of extreme gratitude, coupon codes to your favorite stores and random Twitter shoutouts. What, you'ont want followers? Ain't they worth something? No? Psht! Besides, no amount of money could be enough (*cue O___o from all my readers* *ducks tomatoes*). Also, you get to claim you know me. Which will get you no perks outside of, well... *thinks* yeah it won't get you too many perks.

*sigh* FINE! I may be able to swing a TINY TINY stipend. Like 25% of my Google AdSense profits (which to date is $12.83. Your lofty new earnings of $3.21 must not be wasted. Spread out the wealth, na' mean?)

And best of all, you can organize my LifeSpace for me while sitting in your snuggie and ratty PJs. It's a virtual position. You ain't gotta pick up my drycleaning or nothing! You ain't even gotta cook me rice (unless you want to. And freeze it. And overnight it to me. Then feel free.)

So if anyone would like a position with no to little pay, no health benefits or perks besides coupons, I'm ya gurl! All inqwarees can apply by sending me an email. I may even put this on Craigslist. YUP!!!

What's sad about all of this is, I actually mean it. *sighs* Y'all can proceed to side-eye me now as I go saddown in the corner and re-assess my lifespace. I'll be the one repeatedly *WALL SLIDING.* Ain't gon be n'an applicant. And I'ont blame y'all. I ain't e'en on nothing.

Luv Bulletins

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I'm on The Chatterbox Show on BlogTalk Radio at 10am EST, 9pm CST, talking about The Red Pump Project with my co-founder The FabGiver. Tune in!

Random Monday

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 14:44:00 +0000

First of all, I'm hating on everyone who has the day off today and I say "you suck" with all the love I can muster. Lawd knows my bed was feeling extra good this murnting. Doesn't help that the weekend went faster than a one minute man.

Sidenote: Weekends should become 3 days. This whole 2 day thing doesn't curl all the way over for me. Barack, can you make it happen? I'm just saying.

Anywho. Moving on...

So I was minding my own bitness (like usual o__O) a couple of weeks ago. It was colder than Souljah's winter outside. I was in my trusty NorthFace, waiting on my bus... when I saw a woman in a Fubu denim jacket.

*sigh* A fubu jacket. Denim. In 2010. Unironically. Now what is we gon' do? *Cedric voice* I had to risk my life and take a picture of it.

Where do you find such a relic in this day and age? Do you scour out of touch Salvation Armies? Do you ask that Uncle you have who thinks "You'ont know nothing bout this raht here" as he scoots across the floor in an outdated move at the family reunion? Plus he still thinks "getting jiggy with it" is still in? Where do you find Fubu?

So I thought "well maybe she's poor and can't afford nothing else." Then I looked at her feet and she had on Jordan's. Welp... There goes that. If you can rock J's that cost $200, you can holler at Burlington Coat Factory for a jacket that aint Foo-boo. I'm just saying.

P.S. Aw snap! I'm getting a hang of this mobile blogging thang. Oh and some of yall *cough* Sean, were roasting my "Sent by US Cellular" thing that was at the bottom of my Friday test post. You all some big ol' haters! Sean gon' say my phone was "riding dirty." RUDE!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from U.S. Cellular

Happy Valentine's Day!

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 23:36:00 +0000

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all!!! Today is MY day! The day of LOVE!!! *cues cheesy ballads* *sways and swoons*

For the single folks in college, don't go to the lobby of your dorm. All the balloon and flowers being delivered will only make you angry and bitter. For single folks out in the real world, go to brunch with your girls. And try not to roll your eyes at the women that are kissing and hugging their men. It's not becoming you.

For the folks with boos, try not to call that bitter single friend you got, ranting and raving about what your boo did. That's just rude and inconsiderate.

Most importantly, love yourself. Not just by killing kittens but you know, appreciating yourself for being awesome.

Cupid Luvvie, the Goddess of #HoShit Present wishes you a Happy Love Day.

Is this thing on?

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 14:25:00 +0000

Testing 1, 2, 3. I won't be by a computer all morning because I have media training at work. So I'm testing out blogging through my blackberry. Did it work? Do y'all see me?

What about now?

Hmm... I feel like I'm playing a game of hide and go seek but without a seeker.

I don't wanna put nothing good because if this doesn't post, I'mo go kick a trashcan. And who wants that?

On the other hand, if this does post, everyone's gonna give me the side-eye O__o for all this rambling.

Blogging on my Blackberry's tough because I cut off my thumb nails last night. Womp.

Ok I'm out. #uLoveMeStill
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from U.S. Cellular

Who Ran It: Avatar Luvvie or Rihanna?

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 15:10:00 +0000

For the Grammy's on February 1, my avatar decided to don a formal onesie reserved for truly special occasions. Well, 2 days later, on February 3, VH1's Superbowl jam came on. Rihanna had on a very similar one. I WAS SWAGGED-JACKED! With that being said...

I see you back there checking my out, GaGa. You jealous ain't you? Yes, of course you are. I slayed 1,000 hoes with my onesie. Queen Yawnce is somewhere MAD AT ME! (Shoutout to K_Rokadocious for hooking up the split screen. Good looking out!)

Did I slay Rihanna effortlessly or did she Pon my forehead? Leave a comment with your vote. #VoteOrDontDie.

Luv Bulletins

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* The Red Pump Project was featured in the Huffington Post's IMPACT section. THE DOGGONE HUFFINGTON POST!!! *faints* MUCH MUCH love to Bessie Winn-Afeku for writing this great article about us. When she sent me the link, I hollered for AT LEAST 15 minutes. The fact that I was at work was the only thing that kept me from rolling around on the floor praising God for his blessings. But I did do a couple of *church scoots*. I'm STILL doing a jig in the inside though. THANKS BESSIE!!!

* Your favorite blogger's favorite site The FreshXpress got a FRESH facelift. I see you, FXP 2.0!!! Oh and I'm part of a Roundtable on the site today. 5 questions, foolery abounds.

Taxes and death: 2 things you can't avoid. Especially taxes

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 16:30:00 +0000

There are few things you can't avoid in life, no matter how hard you try. These things include death, bad music and taxes. It's so serious that when you die, they play bad music at your funegro, while the gubment sends a eulogy that reads "We know you ain't here and all no more but run us our money. Give St. Peter the check at the Gate. Kthxbai. Oh, and RIP and whatnot."

Sidenote: Everyone has been to a funeral where Sister O'Dell has gotten up and went "WHHHAAAHHHH should I feel discouraged...." as she swayed back and forth. "His Eye is on the Sparrow" seems to be a requirement at every funegro. in my last will and testament, I will request it play NO PART in mine. Unless Lauryn Hill and homegirl from Sister Act 2 can be convinced to come sing it. If not, then NAWL!

Taxes are no joke. Countless celebrities have been dumb enough to not file, and the IRS has gotten even. As if the IRS doesn't read TMZ *rolls eyes* They probably got a department that monitors celebrities. If they don't they ought to. Ron Isley is still spending time "between the sheets" behind bars because of it. People have gotten off for heinous crimes like murder, money laundering, and being professional criminals only to be caught up by the IRS for tax evasion and end up behind bars anyway (See: Al Capone). Unka Sam does NOT play bald-headed games with people. Unlike the Los Angeles Police Department, they don't gibbadamb if you're famous or not. They WILL get what is theirs. They are the ULTIMATE kings of the shakedown. They get theirs against all odds.

There's a list of other celebs that have gotten into trouble with the IRS HERE. This list is QWAT extensive.

Anywho, the rest of us reg'lah folks also gotta file taxes. Just because we don't make millions doesn't mean we don't owe Unka Sam like we owe our rent. Unless we make less than $500 a year. Which would either make us homeless, or college students. Sometimes, this isn't mutually exclusive. Everyone else, you better crank them taxes!

I'd like to take this time to give some folks shoutouts:

Shoutout to everyone who hasn't even filed their taxes yet, but have already spent their refund in their head. I see me you!!!

Much love to Crissle (aka @Smashedthehomie) for getting $4 back on her taxes. But apparently, it means she actually did good. I just learned that you're SUPPOSED to break even or close on taxes because it means that you aren't giving the government any extras during the year. Thanks to the Twitfam for educating me on that. Apparently, I'm a tax dummy. I'm cute and funny. Y'all aint expect me to be smart too, did ya? Hell. Now u jus axing (yes, axing) for too murch. The day I break even on taxes, I'mo kick a chair. Taxes would be so anti-climactic. Like chex with a virgin. Or so I've been told.

Big ups to everyone looking for a kid to claim on they taxes. Ye'en birf em, ye cant claim em (if their mama already has).

Giving props to all the deadbeat dads who know their kids' social security numbers so they file their taxes in early January and screw their baby mothers out of thousands. O__O

*Head nod* to everyone who's avoiding tax filing b/c they afraid of how much they gon owe the gubment. Ignorance is bliss and not filing is stalling.

Oh taxes. You can't live with(out) them, you can't live without them. Tax season is either Christmas for some people (Yayyy monies!) or Halloween (scary as hell) for others. What's it to YOU?

P.S. I was asked folks on Twitter which tax preparation website they liked the best: H&R Block ot TurboTax. 10 minutes later, I got an email from H&R Block with the subject "Maximize your refund." THEY SPYING ON ME!!! *WALL SLIDE* O__O #Taxluminati

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Luv Bulletins

I'm the Chicago HIV/AIDS Examiner and yesterday was Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day. I think Prevention is priority. Check out my post!

Dear Stevie Wonder, Fire your Team

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 06:01:00 +0000

So there other day, I watched the BET Honors, which gave awards to 5 people for their achievements in education, music, business etc. Honored included Queen Latifah, Whitney Houston and Diddy and 2 others. Stevie Wonder was all up through the show performing. He must have been up there at least 4 times. This is when I realized that I've had a bone to pick with Stevie for a while. So he is the recipient of this week's sternly-worded letter.

But before I start, READ IT ALL! I ain't sitting here talking about his blindness. So all of ya who are ready to hop up. Saddown and calm your nerves. I think I stayed respectful. With that being said, let's carry on.

Dear Stevie,

Hey Stevie, hey. Can we talk for a minute? You're a legend. Icon. Superstar. You've had staying power unseen in the music industry, save a few people. You are definitely wonderous. *sigh* But I do have some suggestions for you. No I don't have any qualifications to warrant my unsolicited advise. I'm just a small time blogger in a big time world. But I just love you, Stevie and I got your back. So please listen to me. Look behind the IG. I mean it. My advise?

Fire your PR team, stylists and handlers. Not now. But RIGHT NOW! They don't wish you well. No really. I mean it. Fire every single person. From your agent who books your gigs to the stylist. ALL of them HAVE to go immejately!

So here's the thing, Stevie. I'm not here to make blind jokes, because ain't much funny about that. In fact, NOTHING is funny about it. It's taken nothing away from your musical genius. May have even added to it. So understand that this is coming from my purest heartspace. With that being said, let me continue.

My first gripe is with your style team. Why haven't they informed you that your hairline jumped ship a long time ago??? Your hairline don ran underground with Araminta Ross aka Harriet, and no one told you yet. It's wading in the water but no one has let you know. This is RUDE AS HELL of them! I'm REALLY mad at your stylists for this because when you first came out in the 70s, your cornrows were TIGHT, FLY and FRESH!!!

Sidenote but related: Does Stevie have braids or locs? I can't qwat figure it out and it perplexes me. Do y'all know?

But your stylists have let you rock the same hairdo since then, but the difference is that your hairline has receded by 75%. Are they braids or cornrows? It doesn't matter since it's neither here nor there (coincidentally like... *pause* that hairline). This just ain't fair to you, Stevie. It just ain't! Fine, I will give them props for no longer including the beads. That is progress. You deserve BETTER, Stevie. You do!

I'mo leave this caption to y'all. *stifling comment about taller forehead*

This SAME stylist team dress you all kinds of ways sometimes too, Stevie. ALL kinds! You've been known to show up places with a sequined jacket on sometimes, with colors that make Joseph's technicolor coat seem neutral. I just shake my head like "Come on!!!" At this year's BET Honors, they had you in a blazer with tiger striped sleeves. I wondered if your team signed a deal with the House of Dereon Mufasa Men's 2010 Fall Collection. It was out of order, Stevie. It really was. Why do they do you like this???

Above all, Stevie. I need you to fire your PR team and agent because they do you worst of all. You are an icon, Stevie!!! A DOGGONE icon! You ought to be treated as such. Why are you allowing them to book you for ANY ol' gig you're offered?

Your PR Team: "Mr. Wonder, you're singing at the Harpo's Juke Joint tomorrow behind Shug. You free?"
You: "Sho'll am!"

Stevie, please have some standards about you. You're on everybody's stage, looking like a part of the house band. You'd probably accept the gig to be the Awards Show Sandman Sam, playing the piano when people's speeches get too long. You'd perform at the Greek stepshow if they asked you to. A mess!

Last year's Grammy Awards, they had you performing as backup to the Jonas Brothers (aka Hanson 2.0). THE GAHTDAMB JONAS BROTHERS!!! What in the holy legendary hell??? I was horrified. How dare they have you playing next to those Tweenyboppers? You got toe nails older than them! That's like Patti LaBelle singing behind Rihanna. Or Toni Morrison accepting writing tips from Sister Souljah and Zane. Music WEPT! iCant. iWont. iShant. iReject it.

Then this year's BET Honors, you were all up through there, singing with Trey Songz. At one point, Trey even had you scatting to "I invented Sex." *WALL SLIDE* Stevie... I say STEVIE!!! You will NOT be following Trey Songz's lead. YOU ARE A LEGEND! You're not supposed to be doing alla this with these young'uns.

Anyway, Stevie, oh Wondrous one. I'ont like how you're being disrespected all over the place in this manner. Why are they treating the legendary Mr. Wonder like a deaf, mute, blind AND paraplegic stepchild with lice? I shake my fists VIGOROUSLY at the team you surround yourself with.

You've put in WORK all these years like no other, and have earned the right to be choosy. Please learn to take a page from Julez's book and say "No Thanks" sometime. If Diddy can have an umbrella holder, and he ain't even a legend, you can have someone who will look out for you and let you know when a gig isn't to your caliber.

That's all I'm saying, Mr. Wonder. That's all I'm saying. Look around you and cut that grass so you can see them snakes you pay. O__O

Yours in stanhood,

LuvMuffin

P.S. And yes, I will b*tch and moan about this EVERYtime I see you on TV.

P.P.S. You got new music coming out soon? Would love to hear something new. I mean, I still rock to "Cherie Amour" an' em but we could use some new tunes. PLLLEEAASSEE? :-D

Edit: Lawd, the folks on Twitter don KILT me already with the hairline jokes! I'm tryna get their tweeting selves to leave their jokes here as comments. But lawd knows my Twitfam don't listen. O__O

Harambe! It's Black History Month

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 06:30:00 +0000

Welcome, my *pause* brethren and sisthren! It is Black History Month, 28 days of reminiscing about the colorful past of us melanin-blessed individuals. This is the time where kids get to see Frederick Douglass' afro side-part in class. The children get to learn about gun-toting Harriet, who told folks to either be free or die. "I have a dream" will be recited to PIECES in these next 4 weeks. Even Martin Luther King be giving the *side-eye* from up above like "Dang! Y'all know how to wear something into the ground."

In honor of this month of ours, my avatar has decided to pay homage to her ancestor. The one who came before her to pave the way for where we are today. Yes, you got it. Queen Latifah circa UNITY.

Overbusy Dashiki? Check. Oversized kufi? Double check. Distrust of The Establishment? Did you even have to ask? All she's missing is the leather Africa medallion. Not pictured: 'Shiki Fierce is wearing the finest hemp birkenstock sandals made in the most remote villages of Korea. #GetJealous

For the rest of the month, I'd like yall to refer to me as 'Shiki Fierce. Fly. Afro. Kente. is my tagline. *curtsies* *Yells "HARAMBE!"*

Anybody who's hating on my Avatar's Dashiki, turban and beaded cornrows is a plain ol' hater. So what if she looks like she bathes in kente oil and bargain shops for cowrie shells and shea butter at every African fest? She may even have an Ankh tramp stamp tattoo. That don't mean you gotta judge her. 'Shiki Fierce probably goes home at night and massages her man's scalp while listening to Common's "Like Water for Chocolate."

My homie Geo told me that my avatar looked like it just finished cleaning Prince Akeem's royal parts. The old, new, and present me pretty much DAHD instantly! LMAO! My avatar is the Kween of Zamunda. She is the heir to the Jaffy Joffer fortune, which was built on the trading of elephant tusks. *sings* SHEEEZ YO KWEENN TO BEEE! FREEE FROM INFECTIIIIOON TO USE AT YO DISCRETION TO KWENCH YO ROYAL DESIIRRESS.

I'm a terrible African for making these jokes. But I ain't gon stop so... *shrugs*. Let me quit. But before I do, shoutout to everyone who thinks they're conscious just because they have an Ankh tattoo, but don't know the real meaning. Also, shoutout to the fake conscious ppl who don't wear deodorant, and think Essence of Colored smells anything less than failure and must.

But before I go for real, for real, I am here to let y'all know that Black History ain't just these 28 days. It is being made EVERY SINGLE DAY. I even have some facts you may not have known. I'm a contemporary historian of sorts. Gather around everyone. Sit by my feet as I break it down for you.

DMX: 1st Black man to have a cellblock mattress named after him. Bobby Brown was the 2nd.

OJ Simpson: 1st Black person to do something, get away with it and get put in for something dumber. Oh wait... No he ain't. But, he may have been the 1st Black person to abuse the concept of Double Jeopardy but later get put away for stealing his own shit

Flava Flav: 1st Black person to be more roach than human. We don't know how it happened. We have theories though. Lil Wayne is 2nd. This is FACT.

M-I-S-T-E-R: 1st Black person to almost get killed with a blade but get saved by Shug at the last minute

The Color Purple: 1st Black classic film directed by a Jewish man but hated on by the Academy Awards for no reason even though it was clearly the best movie ever.

Lil Kim: 1st Black woman to turn into a mermaid right before our eyes. Poor unfortunate soul.

I just dropped that KNOWLEDGE on y'all, didn't I?

*shoutout to Brokey McPoverty for creating this Tumblr blog with a bunch of little gems like this. Little Know Black History Facts

Now that I done pissed off any uber-conscious, kente-oil loving Black folks who read this blog, I'mo go. I will leave you with this. My *pause* brothas and SISTAS! I was walking through the WHITE snow today and I wondered why the ROAD was... BLACK. Is it me *pause* or is it a conspiraCEE??? *squints and nods like what I just said made any sense*

Najiramba, my beautiful nubian kings and queens. What does Black History Month mean to you? To my non-tanned brethren, umoja to you too. I can't leave you out. I'm curious. What does Black History Month mean to you too, apart from being the month you get paid 3 days earlier.

P.S. *FIST UP*

*Reads this post* I'm stoopid.

Grammys: Another Day, Another Wack Awards

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 08:08:00 +0000

*Sigh* The Grammy Awards was as disappointing as a snowed in birthday after you've been promised a trip to Chuck E. Cheese's with extra tokens. I hosted a live-tweeting party, and kicked it with my Twitfam like I do for stuff like this. That made it bearable. Overall, the Grammys was boring. Only thing that made it interesting were the comments from my Twitfam. Another day, another wack awards show. I never seem to learn either. I be genuinely disappointed after each one. Why I don't expect wackness is beyond me.

Anyway, this post is a doozer. Y'ALL BETTER READ THE WHOLE THING TOO!!! Shoot... I put in work! LOL.

Oh, and I got all these pics from NecoleBitchie.com. ALL of them. So I give her credit (and props).

Here goes nothing/something.

First up was Lady Gaga's performance. She came out in some uber-crazy outfit, per usual and scared the crap outta me. Yes Gaga has a dope voice. But I jus want to throw holy water at her and scream "The power of Christ compels you!!!" Scary as all to be. She then disappeared for 10 secs and came out playing a piano with Elton John, both of them looking dusty, like extras in "Oliver Twist." I didn't get it but iLove that femme Brit, Elton.

See why Gaga scares me???

After, Steve Colbert came on the stage and slayed. When he said "Justin brought sexyback but Susan Boyle sent it away again," iDied. And the piece de resistance came when he was presenting the award and didn't know where his nominees list was. Then he went "It's on my... *pause* iPad" and pulled it out his jacket. HA! When white men are funny, they are extra funny. When they're not, they're Seinfeld.

*INSERT performance by people I don't know or gibbadamb about here.* This was my first of many trips to the kitchen. i asked my Twitfam "Y'all want something?" Them fools asked me to bring back beer, PB&J sammiches, neckbones. koolaid and oreos. HOT MESSES!

The performance ended and "Single Ladies" won an award that was accepted by a trio of gays. Twitter started cracking up. Of COURSE that song was written by gay men. Is it not an anthem? Check YouTube for the million spoof vids.

*INSERT ANOTHER PERFORMANCE I COULD DO WITHOUT HERE* Trip 2 to the kitchen. It was some sort of musical. Can't remember the name. Don't care to. I like musicals just like the next Gay man, but I ain't watching the Grammy's for that. Hell. I can watch Sound of Music. I got the DVD.

Then came Queen Yawnce's performance, complete with random all-black everything army men. I was expecting them to strip down into onesies like they were supposed to but that never came. I was getting ready to *leyomi drop* and everything. Until she balladeered it up with "If I Were A Boy." O__O She then proceeded to perform part of Alanis Morrisette's "You oughta know." I. WAS. LOST. Then came the vigorous hair spinning. While grinding on the floor. Bey!! What in the hell??? Is YOU ALRIGHT? Have you been hanging with that heathen, Gaga? Is THAT it??? Jay, getcho wife. Lawd, she did THE MOSTEST!

Moving on...

Next came Seal (and his uber-virile self) to introduce Pink. She came out in some white hooded smock, looking like Mother Theresa's bad ass prodigal daughter. She too sang a ballad and I started to wonder why everyone's mics seemed to be weeping. Y'all better perk up! Shoo! Pink dropped the smock and was in a nude/white ribbon onesie of some sort. I prayed that nipplage didn't peek out from under them ribbons.

She proceeded to then sing while doing some acrobatics in some hammock that spun around in the air, so it was entertaining. Then came the end, where all of a sudden, liquid was pouring from Pink. For a second there, I thought she was lactating on the crowd. Me: Is that... is that BREASTMILK??? Come on, Pink! That is rude as shit! Oh... it's just water." Whew. She made me forget she sang a ballad while she was getting her Cirque du Soleil on. But I know the Grammys crew was mad as hell for all that liquid. Someone had to get some swiffer to clean alla that up.

Black Eyed Peas performed while rocking some random costumes as always. With Fergie looking like RoboCop with boobs. Will.I.Am was channeling Peabo Bryson's old' Gumby haircut. Peabo was somewhere like "Bish, you can't be me." But yeah, I'm not a fan of BEP at all. They just don't curl all the way over for me.

Jonas Brothers came out, looking like the 2010 version of Hanson without the feathered hair and feminine faces. They introduced a performer by the name of Lady Antebellum. HUH??? Who is that??? As a colored, I'ont appreciate ANYONE named "Lady Antebellum." Harriet snuck us underground so we wouldnt have to face this! And here she goes. HMPH! I took this opportunity to take another trip to the kitchen. My Twitfam asked for ish like ciroc, bagels and fruit snacks. LOL.

I was bored to PIECES by this point. I wanted to give Grammy 10 minutes before I started tweeting about randomness like world peace. Anywho, they presented the "Best Comedy album" to Steve Colbert. Steve, I'm happy for you and I'mo let you finish but I don't gibbadamb. This is where I realized that Grammy was on that boolsheet. They broadcasted mundane awards like "Country music album" and "comedy album", but gave R&B album of the year off air? Grammy, you ain't right AT ALL.

Then came the "Record of the Year" award. I thought for sure Bey was gonna get it for "Halo." I was wrong. Some group named Kings of Leon got it. I won't lie. I threw a Kanye fit talmbout "WHAT??!?! Some randoms named Kings of Leon won?? I HATECHU GRAMMY!!! F*CK UR COLORING BOOK, CRAYONS AND WATERCOLORS!!!" I was then told that Kings of Leon isn't random, and that they are actually quite good. But I'm closed-minded so to me, they are random. So WOMP! Let me be petty. lol

Anywho, next up... the "Blame it on the Alcohol" performance. Jamie Foxx came out from behind a mask with his autotune REST to go! He came out extra hyped and before I knew it, I was crunk! Then out came the Ghost of Coon Present, T-Pain. He is just so unclean looking. him and Jamie started truly acting up. Jamie started doing the running man and T-Pain was on the other side of the stage doing the Matrix. Clearly, they said "EFF rehearsal. We shall wing this." Then Doug E. Fresh came out and was beatboxing. And finally, Slash completed the hoe-slaying with his guitar. I was HELLA ENTERTAINED! I loved it!!! Was it F*ckery? YES! Did I love every minute? ABSOLUTELY!!!

And no. I will not comment on Jamie's sister's part in this performance. *walks away whistling*

Justin Bieber's adorabo face came on with some drunk chick they referred to as Kesha. O__o So... irrelevance is the new Black it seems. Womp. And no, I will not highlight and make Kesha's name red. She ain't got that privilege.

Next up, some country group named the WHO WHAT BLAH BLAH BAND came on stage. While I took this chance to go into the kitchen to get my Twitfam some food, I heard them singing "America, America?" Get THEE EFF off the stage, This aint 4th of July! Take that somewhere! And is that a banjo I hear? I felt disrespected that there was a banjo on the Grammy's. I took personal affront to this and demanded an apology. RUDENESS!

Taylor Swift performed. I spent this time watching my nails grow. It was far more interesting. Stevie Nicks came and performed with her and even Stevie couldn't make watching Taylor bearable. I had to get myself a butter knife from the kitchen so I could slit my wrist the WRONG way jus to watch myself bleed. iCan't w/ Taylor.

Then came the highlight of the nite!!! Or so I thought. I did the *Bro Franklin* in anticipation, especially since Celine Dion was one of the performers. iLove that French Canadian! And JHud too??? iLive!!! Smokie Robinson, Usher and Carrie Underwood to round it up. Not a bad lineup. I donned my dorky 3D glasses from Target and sat up in anticipation. I was ready to be given life!! BRING ON THE KANG MIKO TRIBUTE!!!

They started singing the "Earth Song" and I was like "GOOD INTRO!!!" Half way through the song, my eyes got tired of the dorky ass 3D glasses because it did nothing but made the Grammys bleed. Plus it was 1 movement away from giving me a papercut on my nose. I took it off like "EFF it! I'mo just have to miss the awesome 3D effects." Anywho, they finished singing "Earth Song" with Usher hollering off key for a bit.

Then they brought out Prince and Paris Jackson and they both spoke. My thug FELL TO THE FLOOR and rolled around for a little bit. Them kids are so BRAVE!!!! DAMMUT! Y'all better HONOR YO FATHA! YESSSS!!! They got off stage and I went "oooo what they gon do next?"

Nothing. Not a damb thing. That was it for the MJ tribute. *pause*

I'mo say it. That MJ tribute was underwhelming. Y'all made me take a trip to target for some janky 3D effect that never came??? J-Hud, Celine and Smokie SANG! Yes they did lawd. But... what was the big 3D? My squinty eyes aint really see it. That's it! Nobody promise anymore MJ tributes. All they do is disappoint my soul. I'm like a kid who got fake Coogi for Christmas. iCan't rock Gooci to school!!! My heart cant take anymore janky MJ tributes. MJ's in heaven talmbout "Y'all aint shit down there. You know that right? I'da KILLT IT!" MJ's up top saying "You kno what? Just stop. Yall cant do me right. Stop trying."

I need an MJ tribute w/ DANCERS. Hell. DAN.CERS. How y'all gon stand in one spot to sing and that be it? You need backup dancers to BRING IT. Chris Brown and his burnt sienna apology blouse need to scoot themselves across a stage for Kang Miko. Yup! I surely did go there! I'd LOVE to see C-Breezy be in an MJ tribute. We know he was wrong. But he'd DANCE his ass off!

Lawd. Grammy, for that MJ tribute, F YO MECHANICAL PENCIL! U overpromised and underdelivered like the rest of em! iCan't with any of these lackadaisical tributes to the King of Pop.

Sidenote: You MUST listen to this call by Miss Jia. She called Target to complain about their janky 3D glasses. This fool told them "I aint get to see Usher walking on my carpet." LMAO!!! *dead and gone*

Moving on...

Mos Def came on stage looking like a bus conductor and slurring his words like he just bathed in a 40 ounce. Him and some dude presented an award that was won by "Run this town." JayZ, Rihanna (and her ostrich gown) and Julez, Solange's son, accepted it. Juelz pretty much slayed me when they asked him if he had anything to say and he went "No thanks."

THIS is the point where I ended up in Twitter jail. If you don't know, it's what happens when you tweet so many times in one hour, and Twitter locks you down. You can't tweet until some time. It's Twitter's way of saying "Go to your room. You're on timeout." But, I couldn't let "the man" hold me down from tweeting. I had to tweet from my backup account @LockdownLuvvie for a WHOLE HOUR!

Anywho... next up came Andrea Bocelli and Mary J. Blige. Their performance was DOPE! MURR JAY BLAHG showed us all that yes she's hood and she hollers. But she does have a voice on her. Her and Andrea gave me FEVERRR all through the night!

So yall 'memba how I said I was closed-minded, well Dave Matthews Band aint my cup of tea. I'm going to the kitchen. Yall want something?

Adam Sandler came on to present and I wondered where they found him and why he was presenting there. Maybe he just wanted to make sure we hadn't forgotten about him. Then Ricky Martin came on to present an award. Stop the presses. RICKY MARTIN??? Did I die and wake up in 1997? Where'd they find him at? Maybe in J.Lo's Pool shack. *shrugs*

Fortunately for him though, he presented a Grammy that "Halo" won and Bey came onstage in this outfit with floral superhigh shoulder pads. She almost had Ricky Martin Living La Vida Black Eye. Bey thanked her "husband" and I started cheesing like MY name was Hova.

LL Cool J came on and presented without any facial hair and made me uncomfortable. I'ont trust grown men, especially Black men, without any facial hair. Being nekkid all about the face is not the business, fellas. Get some whiskers or something. I think LL introduced Maxwell, who came on and sang "Pretty Wings." He so fahn with his Harry Potter forehead scar. He could get it on Easter Sunday in the Deacon's office. I ain't Lying!

Last performance of the night was Lil Wayne, Eminem and Drake. Weezy came out with his locs all fresh. I was like "I SEE YOU, Wayne! You still look like a roach, but that's neither here nor there." Then Eminem's geriatric self came on stage still looking like a little boy and KILT IT! Dude is a beast on the mic. STILL. Then Drake came on with his melting forehead, looking like Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast. My only complaint about this performance was that half of it was muted. Them hating ass censors muted like 20 second chunks at a time. I thought I had wax buildup in my ears for some time there. CBS is more uptight than General Larry "Pants on the Ground" Platt.

CBS censors: Cuss words on the mic, cuss words on the mic. You looking like a fool with your cuss words on the mic. #OldFolksRap

Haters.

Then they presented Album of the Year. Black eyed Peas, Queen Yawnce, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift were up for the award.

And the winner is.... *opens up envelope* *pause* Taylor Swift!

Me: WAIT WHAT???? TAYLOR SWIFT WON ALBUM OF THE YEAR????!?? Grammy, F YO JANSPORT, PERMANENT MARKER, 2-POCKET FOLDER... JUST F IT! F YO BACKPACK, ELMERS GLUE, TRAPPER KEEPER, FILLER PAPER, WIDE-RULED NOTEBOOK... Just F YO SCHOOL SUPPLIES!!! You don pissed me off!!! I guess the smpathy points haven't worn off. I just... LAWD...

iQuit.

Grammy's you ARE the weakest link. GOODBYE!

Did i miss anything? Did y'all have a favorite moment? Who gave you the least life? Discuss

All pictures from NecoleBitchie.com.

Luvvie's Grammy Party.

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 00:12:00 +0000

Welcome to my Grammy Party! Take off your coat, sit tight and enjoy commentary from the bessss of the bess. It will kick off at 6:30 CST <p><a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php/option=com_mobile/task=viewaltcast/altcast_code=a4883b4065" >Luvvie's Grammy Party</a></p>

Don't be Tardy for my Grammy Live-Tweeting Party

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 01:37:00 +0000

Hey folks! I'm having a Grammy's Live-tweeting party tomorrow on my blog. I had one before for the American Music Awards and it was DOPE! When people tweet and use the hashtag #GrammyLuv, their tweets will show up here. However, I will be picking 12 of the most ignant folks whose tweets will stream automatically here. Either way, it will be a good time. So y'all should come back tomorrow at 6:30pm CST and read the foolish commentary folks will have on the Grammy Awards.

iLie

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 18:49:00 +0000

Yeah about that post I promised y'all earlier. I seem to have told a bald-faced lie. Yeah, I do that sometimes. Sooo catch y'all on Monday. OR I may surprise you with a weekend post. Wait. See? There I go lying again.

Ya know what? All of this will be avoided if you just go ahead and subscribe to this eCrib of mine so you get my updates automatically. Yup.

Post is coming

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 14:34:00 +0000

Lawd see what had happened was... last night... yeah I ain't sleep more than 4 hours. I spent my night cutting a FOOL on FB! And before I knewed it, I hadn't written my blogpost and it was uber late. My next post will tell you why. Expect it in 3-4 hrs (I got a long work thingy this morn). Y'all come back now, ya hear?

BlogHer, Here I Come!

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 16:00:00 +0000

So I was at work the other week minding my own business like I usually do (O__O) when I received an email with from BlogHer (biggest female blogging community in the country). I opened the email to see an invitation from them to me to speak on a Humor Writing panel at this year's conference.

Me: *falls out chair* Wait what? *closed email* *reopened and reread to make sure I read correctly the first time* *exclaims* WHATTT???

The line "We hope that you are interested" was in this email. Am I interested? AM I INTERESTED??? Does Mariah Carey like spandex? Is Ashanti hairy? Was Ron Burgundy trapped in a glass case of emotions??? Does Ricky Bobby wake up and piss excellence? HAYELL. YES!

I couldn't respond back fast enough. I didn't want to send them back an email that would show that I lacked ALL sense and was cheesing like a cheshire cat. I wanted to reply with "iLIVE!!! *does Bro Franklin*" but I thought better.

So I composed myself and crafted a very sensible reply, saying "This sounds like an AWESOME (for lack of a better word) opportunity. I'm definitely interested in speaking on this panel at BlogHer. I'll just do a silent jig at my desk at work." *Please insert applause here for maintaining some semblance of sense*

I'm Speaking!!! *faints*

Then I got my Speaker's Agreement and sent it back yesterday. Once I got the green light to make it public, I was on Twittah hollering it from the rooftops and acting up. Doing all types of inappropriate twurks and church scoots. I did a joyful *WALL SLIDE* and errthang.

Lil ol' ME? Speaking at BlogHer? You mean itttt??? *Thug on floor* :'-)

BlogHer is HUGE! Last year, registration sold out in 2 months, and some folks who wanted to go had to settle for the "Lobby Conference" which meant you paid to hang out in the lobby and take in the awesomeness of the surroundings and the people. I was one of those people. To go from that to speaking? I'm FLOORED! It's like the Rose Bowl of Blogging, and I'm a starter. Like TGIF way back in the day, and I'm the 7:30 show. Like Saturday morning cartoons, and I'm SchoolHouse Rock AND New Kids on the Block.

I'm so excited and surprised that they deemed me worthy to be on a panel. So yes. I shall be at BlogHer '10 in NYC on August 6 & 7. I'll be the one in Red Pumps and acting a fool. You can't miss me.

eBailey's for EVERYONE! This is a partayyy! Ow owwwww!

She once was lost, but now, Google found

Luvvieblog@gmail.com (Luvvie) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 13:00:00 +0000

Picture it. Last night. On the phone...

Luvvie: Whoa, guess who just added me on Facebook?
Kindred: Who?
Luvvie: Tiffany
Kindred: WHAT??? I haven't seen her in years
Luvvie: I know! Considering the Dolphin network is so strong (Note: High School mascot was Dolphins. Carry on.)
Kindred: Does she still look same?
Luvvie: Yeah she does!
Kindred: Nice! But do you know who the holy grail of missing Dolphins would be?
Luvvie: Naw who?
Kindred: You know, think about it.
Luvvie: *thinks for 5 minutes* Ummm... I got nothing. I give up
Kindred: AmberAlert!* (*Name changed to protect the innocent. I decided on AmberAlert because she's been MIA for so long.)
Luvvie: AMBERRRR!!! We ain't seent her in 'bout 15 years!
Kindred: I KNOW!!! Where she at?

Luvvie: We should Google her just to see.

*Insert google search*

Luvvie: *squeals* Ok I see an "AmberAlert" at the top of the search. It's a Twitter account. Lemme click on it and see if it's her.
Kindred: NAW. That can't be her.
Luvvie: *falls out chair* OMG IT IS HERRRRR!!! OMG OMG OMGGGGG!!!! It's her!!! *squeals louder*
Kindred: You boolsheeting! That ain't her!
Luvvie: IT IS!! IT IS!! I just seent her picture. She looks the same!!! OMG IT'S AMBERALERT!!!
Kindred: We found her with one basic ass Google search??? I'm sending Google $25 RAHT NAH! They've earned it.
Luvvie: iLive. I effing LIVE!!! BWAHAHAHA Google can have all my monies. They just made my night and week
Kindred: I can't believe this. All it took was ONE Google search???
Luvvie: *laughing so hard tears are coming down her face*
Kindred: I just slid down all the walls in my house! *CACKLES* This is FANTASTIC!

We found her! Just change out the white girl w/ pigtails with a Black woman.

So yes, this was a huge deal. We squealed some more, called up our friend, Kiarri, and let him know. Kiarri was like "Y'all are LYING! Last time we talked to her, Shanice had a CD out." iDied. Then he told us not to call him no more until we both got sense. But not before he admitted that this was the best news he's gotten in a hu-WHILE (shoutout to Stewie).

Y'all don't understand how AWESOME this was for us. AmberAlert transferred out of our high school our sophomore year. She was one of those people who was so funny that she'd talk and folks would have tears streaming down their faces. Her, Kiarri, and I had a lotta classes together too, so needless to say, we acted up A LOT.

Sidenote: We got in trouble in class many a time because we were both foolish. We got separated often when teachers made seating charts. Her last name started with a B, mine and Kiarri's were As so that was unfortunate for teachers. In fact, classes that didn't have seating charts got one because of us. Yeah, we got mean-mugged at times for this. Plus we had the same lunch period.

AmberA was my homeskillet. So when she left, there was an ignant void. AND she left and fell off the face of the Earth. Since then, NO ONE has seen or heard from her. Our high school network is vast. There are very few people that everyone has lost touch with. Even those we lost touch with have reconnected via Facebook. I don't think she has one. Over the years, people still bring her up like "I wonder what happened to AmberAlert. She was awesome." She left that much of an impression.

Kindred: I don't need to do nothing else. We found AmberAlert.
Luvvie: I know. We've conquered the highest mountain. My life is complete.

Moral of this story: ~~The innanets won't let you stay hidden.~~ Google Rules.

P.S. Let the record show that I'm not a stalker. I just played one last night. O__O

P.P.S. No, really I'm not.

P.P.P.S. DON'T JUDGE ME!!! *WALL SLIDE*