Someone posted a thought on facebook today that got me thinking. My friend Kim … “wonder’s why the sting of rejection goes deeper than the warmth of acceptance…”

It’s so true, isn’t it? We give so much power to hurt, and don’t milk those warm moments for all they can give us.

It got me thinking about one of my fav books about the power of optimism. Martin Seligman’s “Learned Optimism“. It’s based on tons of fascinating research about the specific types of optimism and how they work against depression. Here’s a link to a funny video of a therapist interviewing Freud using Seligman’s ideas.   Here’s Seligman describing it in a nutshell.  Here’s a link to an optimism test that can illuminate what your style is.  Here’s my own reader’s digest version of the theory…

When shite happens in life, we try to make sense of it.  We tell ourselves things that help us to integrate what happened into our view of the world…we explain it to ourselves.  But certain explanitory styles lead to increased depression…and some to greater happiness. 

When BAD things happen…Seligman wants us to make bad events about things that are temporary, specific, and other people. You got rejected because the director had a different look in mind, or had already cast the part, or was thinking of their miserable ex who has the same name as you (any similarity that one bears to a real situation is purely coincidental).

When something GOOD happens, Seligman says make it about something permanent, general, and about you. You got the role because you have talent and sparkle, because you’ve done amazing work on stage already, because you have a reputation for working hard, because you audition well…

What you want to avoid doing is the opposite…you will be more prone to depression if you do the following: When BAD things happen, do you make it general, permanent or about you? It sounds like this…”I never get a break. I knew I wouldn’t get it. I suck at auditions. I suck in general. Nothing good happens to me ever…”

When GOOD things happen, avoid this kind of talk that attributes the good thing to luck, other people, or coincidence…”There were only a few people who auditioned. I happened to be ‘on’ for the audition that day. I got lucky that Suzie-the-star-who-gets-every-role was busy (you know what?… even Suzie doesn’t get everything she wants).  Or…The director feels sorry for me.  It only happened because my friend put in a good word for me….”

Real Life Examples:  I golfed last week with our friend Pat, who has this lovely habit. When I (or anyone) had a bad shot (it happened more often for me I am sure), he said “bad luck”. It helped.  He encouraged me to make it about that specific moment, and not my skill in general.  It’s a good example of how to not give power to pessimism.

A While Ago…I was talking with my friend Diana about some of the successes I have recently enjoyed.  I said “I’ve been lucky”, and even as I said it I knew I was giving pessimism unnecessary power.  She challenged me to take credit for my success.

What many of us do (especially women) is we blame themselves quickly when something goes wrong, and we fail to take credit for the good things that happen in our life. Even this small change can be powerful. What good things happen in your life, large or small, that you are not giving yourself credit for?

Know Thyself and What Thy Wants in a Relationship: Sure, we’re all growing and changing, but until you know something of yourself and what your needs are from a partner (and this is perhaps best deciphered through the natural period in youth of testing and tasting the wares available), you may struggle to find a good match. Are you a verbal person? Then why are you dating someone who has trouble sharing intimate thoughts? Are you a cuddler…toucher? Then why are you with someone who recoils at PDA and seems to want to be alone most of the time? See my post about love languages…

Have Tiny Fights Often (Be Grateful When Your Love Complains): When you stop asking each other for things you need…that’s when you’re starting to care a little bit less…when you stop needing things from each other, your relationship has begun to wither. Men: When your love complains, all you have to do is listen, so relax and stop trying to talk her out of it. Women: He can’t read your mind. If you can’t let it go, voice your concern in a non-threatening, calm manner…then let it go.  If you deal with things when they are small, they won’t get big. If your relationship doesn’t have any conflict, then you’re probably not spending enough time together or getting close enough to each other to have anything to fight about (and that’s not real).

They Say…That men marry hoping their partner will never change, and women marry hoping their man will change. Then the opposite happens…lol…men don’t change much, and we women are constantly changing…our hair, our weight, our needs, our opinions…no wonder the sexes drive each other crazy!

Marry Only When You (both) Must or You Will Explode. Too many people marry because it’s the ‘natural next step’, or one person needs a wedding or a ring in order to feel loved. I love this quote…”Don’t marry the one you can live with. Marry the one you can’t live without.” If both of you are not 200% into getting married, just don’t. Go out of the gate strong.  I have such respect for people who call weddings off.  Too often I hear the other side…ten years later someone is remembering the serious doubts they had and regretting their decision to ignore their gut.

Accepting and Tolerating Imperfections: Compassion is the ability to love someone knowing and completely accepting their glorious imperfections. Let little stuff go. Know your own imperfections. Put problems into categories in your head…things that I can accept/ignore…things that we need to work out and dialogue about…things that I cannot tolerate. Rate them on a scale and only discuss the things that rate 4 or more.

Fight Fair: There’s no sense building a relationship if you are going to tear it down with name calling, screaming or swearing. Put the guns away. Learn how to talk about problems.  I need to blog more about this…conflict resolution in relationships.

Choose Each Other Every day: The honeymoon will end. He will fart more and she will start coming to bed with a bright green masque on her face. It takes effort and recommitting to each other and the relationship continually. Love is a verb, an action…a choice. Tell each other “I Choose Us” and live out your choice.

Talk about this blog with your loved one… 

Do you have something to add to the list?

It’s always a risk. Anything could happen when you bring children to a public place. Typically, they push the boundaries a bit more, believing that Mom or Dad will be less likely to say no or enforce rules when other people are around. A few tips on surviving grocery stores and movie theatres with little Jadyn or Maya in tow…

1. Plan Smart. Don’t plan so many activities that they will be tired or hungry when you go out. Don’t go out at nap time or meal time. Children are more affected by being tired and hungry than you are.

2. Prepare Them. This is more than half the battle and most of you don’t do it at all. Children always benefit from knowing very clearly what the plan is and what the expectation is. For children from ages three to fifteen…deliver some version of this in a calm, happy voice. First, secure eye contact. “We are going to the grocery store. We are only getting a few things. You will be sitting in the cart because last time you had a difficult time staying close to me when you walked. We will not be buying any treats today, so if you ask for a treat, I will be ignoring what you said and pretending I didn’t hear you. If you can make it through the whole grocery store without asking for anything, you can watch a movie when we get home. If you start to scream in the store, we will be leaving right away and no movie when we get home. Do you understand? (then you stick to everything you say!)

Example #2: (adjust this for age appropriateness) “We are going to the movies (or mall or dollar store…) today. At the movies there are lots of games to play and things to buy. It is our rule, remember, that you may spend one dollar on a game or treat, and no more. It can be whatever you like, but there will not be more. If you ask for more, I will not answer. Sometimes you get very upset when Mom says no. That behaviour is not okay at the movies, so if you become upset and scream, we will have to leave so we don’t disturb other people. If you don’t listen and follow the rules, we will leave the theatre. This means that we will only stay to watch the movie if your behaviour is appropriate. (then follow through…even if it means missing the movie…you must stick to whatever you say)

3.   Stand Your Ground.  Don’t get sucked into repeating yourself every two seconds. Some of you, when your child keeps asking for something, you keep saying back “No…I said no…what did we talk about before we left?…no…I said no…you don’t need that…you already have that…that’s a waste of money…blah blah blah…” Less words!! Or no words. Ignore the behaviour. Do not let them even convince you to walk over to the temptation.

4.  Know Your Child…if you know your child has a hard time when temptation is around…avoid these places. Try arriving without enough time to play games before the movie. Or…assist tham in practising “not asking”. Set them up for success. “We’re going to the mall just to see if you can walk with me for ten minutes and only look and not ask. If you can do that, this is the reward…(make it small).” This teaches them to deal with their impulses and frustrations. Reward them as you walk around…”You’re doing very well. You’ve almost made it. Isn’t it fun to just look at things?”

5. Okay, it’s happened. They have taken a temper tantrum in the store. If they are prone to temper tantrums, you will have prepared them beforehand with “If temper happens in the store, I will pick you up and take you out (or I will stand/sit beside you and wait for you to finish and then we will leave). There’s not much sense talking to a tantruming child…let them vent. You stay calm and tell yourself “Yes…this is embarrassing, but every parent goes through this”. Stay close to the child and hold them if they want, but be cautious of touching or restraining an out-of-control child. It will end. Do NOT spank. There’s just never a good reason to strike a child. Then, when it’s over, you can leave.

6. Don’t go out constantly. Enjoy a day at home where the expectations are lower and you can relax. Kids are sometimes simply taken out too much, in my humble opinion. It can add stress.

7.  Reward them.  Mostly with your words.  Tell them how pleasant it is to go out with them because they can listen and follow rules.  Focus on what they do right.

Good luck! And if you have another tip, share it with us!

http://www.nativeremedies.com/products/kiddie-calmer-for-shy-children.html

This product advertisement shocked me. It is for an herbal, homeopathic remedy for children’s anxiety…called the K-OK Kiddie Calmer.   A sister product is the “Mind Soothe Junior”

Are we turning to drugs (“natural” herbal remedies are still drugs) to replace the skills of emotional regulation? This article makes NO mention of other ways to assist children and their parents in learning to manage anxiety. Here is a quote:

“K–OK Kiddie Calmer should be taken at the first sign of anxiousness, restlessness or agitated behavior for effective relief, as it will help keep your child from feeling flustered or overwhelmed.”

Excuse me??? First Sign??? What this really is…is a medication for parental HELPLESSNESS and POWERLESSNESS. It helps parents to feel powerful, because they don’t have the skills to manage their own anxiety and they can’t help their child. They might be using some addiction to manage their own emotions…they have no idea how to assist their child or manage their own feeling of helplessness around the child’s anxiety.

There is no way that any drug is enough or can replace the skills of emotional regulation. It’s just easier to do…easier to learn and easier to market.   Everyone needs more learning about how to manage those pesky things we call emotions.  I will blog soon on assisting children with anxiety.

Arrrggghhhh………..

You don’t have the power to make your child do something or stop doing something. You DO have the power to set up limits, choices and incentives to make it easier for them to make choices that are respectful and cooperative.

Stay Calm: You might have a screaming baby, a tantruming two year old, an anxious ten-year-old or a risk-taking teen…but if you can keep yourself calm, you will feel powerful. Let your children own their own emotions and, later on, their own problems and choices. Accept the powerlessness inherent in your job (see the first sentence of this entry), and embrace the power you have over yourself…to do everything on this page and much more in order to influence your child. See the three entries on self-talk…the key to calm.

Discipline without Emotion: All discipline is far more effective if it is delivered without any emotion… matter-of-fact. You made this choice, so this will happen. Children accept limits easier if their shame is not triggered with your tears or anger. Their behaviours are not designed to hurt you and they need to know that you are strong enough to not be hurt by them. It will NOT help if you let them know you are angry at, disappointed in or hurt by their behaviours. It DOES make sense to say “that’s not okay in this family”, or “If you do that, this will happen.”

Model Healthy Behaviour: Children pay far more attention to what they see you do and say than what you tell them they should do. If you model respect, self control and honesty your job will be simple. Let them hear your self-calming thoughts out loud; this will help them to regulate their own emotions. If you have bad habits, address them first.  Walk around the house talking outloud about your emotions and how you are managing them.  You might feel silly, but you are teaching an important skill …”I am so disappointed that my book didn’t come in the mail today.  But that’s okay…I know it will come soon.”

Developing Emotional Intelligence: Teaching your children emotional Intelligence goes a long way towards growing a healthy adult. Gottman has a good book on this issue. We often forget that when a child is having an intense emotion, we can listen to and validate the emotion and the desire, and this will go a long way to softening their reaction. We often want to distract them from or hurry them past it their frustration. Give in to it a bit. It sounds like this: “You really want to go swimming, don’t you?” (crying five year old says “yes!”)… You love swimming, and you’re so good at it. It doesn’t feel fair that I said we could go swimming and now we have to go to the store first, right? You’re disappointed, aren’t you?” (crying child says “yes!”)…”tell me it’s not fair”. (crying child says “It’s not fair! I don’t want to wait!”) “It’s okay to cry when we’re in the car. You can cry and be disappointed. When we get to the store, if you can stay calm, then we can swim for a longer time today. Can you do that?” You don’t give in to the crying demands; you let the child express the emotion and you accept and validate it, still enforcing limits related to behaviour. They will eventually learn to accept and not feel overwhelmed by their emotions.

Choices: A simple way to help your child make a good decision is to give them a choice between two options which are both okay with you. Instead of saying “you can’t do that”, it’s “either come inside now and have ice cream, or stay out later and it will be too late for ice cream” Then let them make their choice and stick to what you said! Instead of saying “what do you want to wear?” to a young child…say “You can wear this or this.” Remind them of their choices…”so if you choose to have the cookie now, then you’re choosing to not have dessert later.”

Building Self-Esteem: This is you main job as a parent…to help get your child to the age of 18 feeling good about who they are. See ratio blog. Take opportunities to fill your child with positives…if they can get attention for smiling at you and singing, they will seek it less through negative behaviours. If you find your child’s behaviour annoying, it is probably about getting attention. Where you put your attention…that will grow. Focus your attention on what you want more of and ignore more of the annoying stuff.  Give them the words to be able to ask for attention.  “I need some “Mommy Time”" is far more effective than a temper tantrum.  Reward them for asking for attention in positive ways.  Or better yet, give them a code word that means “I need love”.  Like a game…tell them that every time they say the word “purple people eater” you’re going to hug them because that means they need a hug.  Play around with this idea.  This is one of many websites about this.

Alternatives to NO: Many children are triggered by that word…”no”. Use it sparingly! I don’t mean set limits sparingly…kids need firm and clear limits.  But get creative with other ways to set limits because that word has a bad rep.  With a young child, simply redirect with “we stay over here”…” stay with Mommy”…”this is what we’re doing” “we don’t eat cookies before dinner”… Use choices to avoid the no word. The “when…then” statement is your best friend as a parent. If your child wants something, that’s a blessing. “When your room is clean we can consider that party.” “When those toys are picked up, you can watch television” Notice there is no sign of a “no” anywhere…just a pleasant parent telling them they CAN have something.  “Yes, tomorrow…after one sleep, you can watch that movie!”  In my next blog I will deal specifically with how to manage a child’s impulsivity when you go out in the world and they want things (a situation where NO is often used). With older kids, try “Convince me…let me think about it/talk to your dad…you come up with a plan about how you can earn that…that’s a great goal…come up with a proposal.” So often we expend tons of energy convincing teens why they can’t have something, instead of letting them work to convince us that they should have it. Make them earn it. If they don’t convince you, then it’s a no. If you use “no” sparingly, it will mean more when you must use it.

Beware Time Outs: Many parents overuse sending a child to their room. It sends a rejecting message that we should be aware of. Remember that the goal is to teach your child acceptable behaviour, not to punish.  If used, they should be very short (a good rule is one minute for each year of age), or give the child control over how long it is.  Example: Your seven-year-old is squirting food out of his mouth at the table. Start with something like “food stays in your mouth”. If it continues…”Can you stop?” If it continues…”You may leave the room and return when you feel you can keep your food in your mouth.” Notice there is no time attached…they can run out and back in and as long as the behaviour is changed, that’s enough. This gives them power over their consequence and works magically for many kids. A more serious example…your ten year old hits his little brother. Instead of “go to your room!”, try “If you hurt, you must make it better. You need to go to your room until you have a plan to make it better” (I will address this concept of ‘making it better’ in another entry).  This guy has a book about Time-Ins.

Rewards and Consequences : Children need accurate, consistent and reliable information about what will happen if they make certain choices. Your praise (or small infrequent token rewards) for good choices and simple brief natural and logical consequences for making negative choices will teach them what they need to know. This is your power and your job. I restate this part as it is so important: Keep the emotions out of your discipline. Intense anger or sadness just confuses kids and teaches them nothing. Using fear or shame to motivate kids is not the only way and doesn’t work well.

Supervision: Kids get into trouble when there’s no adult watching. Their internet use should be limited and in a “family” area of the house in which there are other people. Know their friends. Know if parents will be home when they go to a friend’s home. Have other kids to your home, where they will be supervised. Help your growing child avoid situations where bad decisions are more likely to happen.

Have a specific question…ask me!  Parenting is HARD!

Child Unit #3 at 3...Justin taught me a lot

Those beautiful, crazy-making little creatures running amok in our homes did NOT come with a manual.

My next few entries will focus on the do’s and don’ts of parenting. I will give you the best of what I have learned about how to interact with your children in a way that can lead to greater cooperation and less stress in your home. Unless you reduce bad habits first, anything you add to your toolbox will be less impactful. Do you see yourself in this list of Poor Parenting Habits?  Personally, I have done all these things…

Neglecting Your Own Happiness: If you are in an airplane and the oxygen masks come down, you are expected as a parent to put yours on first so that you can assist your child. Take care of yourself so that you are in your non substance-induced happy place…the whole world (and certainly your children) will seem less troublesome. And no, your unhappiness is not their or anyone else’s fault.  See posted series on self-talk 1, 2 and 3.

Too Many Words: Most parents use way too many words. You nag and lecture and remind and it is all driving your children crazy and stealing your power. It reflects your tendency to take on your child’s problems. Plus, kids just stop listening after a few words. Ask yourself “Does Johnny already know what I am about to say?” “It is vital that I say this?”Instead of a ten minute lecture about the backpack on the floor…one word will do “backpack”. Leave a checklist of chores instead of a verbal list. Save your words for positive things!

Yelling: You lose all your power when you yell because you lose credibility. If you can make one change only, staying calm when your child is upset (and when you are upset) will have the most impact on your life. It is such a powerful feeling to see a ranting child and feel calm yourself. Why should your emotions follow theirs like a rollercoaster? Get a handle on your own and talk out loud in their presence about how you are calming yourself; it’s great modelling.

Commands: Please, people…nobody likes to be bossed around. Kids doing things now “because you said so” went the way of the dodo long ago. Teach them to manage their own time and choices by giving choices and deadlines, such as “Visiting friends after dinner will be possible when chores and homework are complete” (when…then statements are a parents best friend) .

Disrespect: If I had a nickel for every time a parent complained about disrespect from a child and I then found out that the parent was disrespectful themselves…they learn from what they watch you do. The following are disrespectful: yelling, grabbing (unless you are scooping up a wandering toddler or saving a child from imminent danger but even these can be done gently), commands, name calling, blaming, swearing, hurting the body in any way, exposing a child to adult conflict. There are more but you get the idea.

Ignoring: When they turn into the strange creatures we call teens, they tend to disappear for long periods in their room. Try to enter their world and stay connected to who they’re becoming.

Being Too Rigid or Too Weak: Children will balk at limits, but that’s their job. On a deeper level, they experience your rules and consistency as a fence of safety around them. They need to know where that fence is and how strong it is, and they will push against it to test its strength and position. To move or take down the fence is to confuse them. To make it too solid and unmovable is to hurt their little heads when they bash against it hard. Barbara Coloroso has excellent theories about the dangers of rigidity (brick wall) and giving in (jellyfish) styles of parenting.

Forgetting to Fill The Emotional Gas Tank: Children (and relationships) are like a bank account…you need to put things in if you expect to take anything out. Your job is to help your child feel good about themselves, and it takes a ratio of about 7-1 to accomplish this. Seven positive interactions for every expectation or negative interaction. See an earlier post about this.

Did I miss any? Next time I’ll focus on discipline techniques that work. First, you can work on reducing your nasty habits.  Check out my other parenting posts.  I like this one in particular.

We are taught to be nice when we are children. Women, in particular, are trained to acquiesce to the needs of others, not rock the boat, say nothing rather than be nasty…blah blah blah. We learn to swallow our voices and then we spend the rest of our lives trying to make sense of the rotting feeling in our guts.

We sometimes find ourselves in a situation where we know our rights are being trampled on and we want to assert our voice, stand up for our needs, but we are conscious of not wanting to hurt anyone. Where is that line? How do you stand up for yourself without being bossy or mean? How do you ask for respect without disrespecting others?

Using power over others through aggression (commanding, demanding, belittling, controlling, hurting, manipulating) is not ever necessary to gain personal power and is hurtful to others. On the other hand, being too passive is hurtful to ourselves. Assertive responses honour both our needs and are respectful to others.

In preparation for practising assertiveness, remember these relationship fundamentals…I am responsible for my own emotions and expressing my own needs… I can’t make anybody do anything differently…other people’s responses are their own stuff. This stuff we should have learned in kindergarten (related blog).

An example situation: Someone asks you to do something…a favour for them. You don’t have the time or the energy…only the aching will to please. But the world won’t fall apart if you say ‘no’. And you don’t have to apologize. Some of you say sorry way too much! If you simply say “I can’t do that…no.” the worst that will happen is they might be disappointed, and they can handle that. Trust me, they will still like you and might even respect you a bit more. Sometimes assertiveness is just saying ‘no’.

Another example: You feel disrespected by someone’s behaviours. How do we ask for respect? Try:

“When you yell at me I stop listening.”
“I’m not okay with being told what to do.”
“I feel spoken down to when you wave your finger at me.  I prefer you not do that.”
“I feel uncomfortable when you laugh at my mistakes. I want to feel respected even when I do things that you don’t understand.” (A classic “I statement”)

The idea is to relate your emotion (if appropriate), name the problem behaviour and deliver a clear expectation. The tone is important. There is ideally no emotion in your voice. You are calm and matter-of-fact. That part is hard, but important if you want them to listen to you. Practice them with an even tone.

Notice that none of these above responses has the word “please” in it! Don’t water down your expectation for respect by asking if it’s okay!!!  Sometimes though, depending on the situation; the relationship and it’s importance to you, you may want to soften the approach a bit, such as…

“I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, but I have this weird thing when I’m driving…I feel uncomfortable when my passenger waves their hand in my space…it’s a safety issue.  I hope you don’t mind, but I prefer you don’t do that.” (am I being too transparent? This is one of my issues)

If you need some time because someone’s comment caught you off guard, check out my blog about slowing it down…

Asking for what you need is not just okay…it’s vital, because other people don’t know! They can’t read your mind and it’s not their job to take care of you.

More examples… (Note that that all start with “I need”, but none of them start with “I need you to…”, which is a command disguised as an “I statement”. Giving an instruction is okay if you are someone’s boss or parent, which are special situations).

“I need to know whether you have the necessary time to devote to this project”
“I need to know that I can count on you”
“I need to know that I will be listened to, even if you disagree with me”
“I need some space/time right now”
“I need to think about what just happened. I will get back to this.”

Remember that when you express a need, there is no guarantee that it will be honoured. That is not under your control. Learn from what you get back and remember you have the power to choose who is in your life (generally)…

ASK ME!  If you have a situation that requires assertiveness and would like me to address it specifically in this blog, let me know! In fact, ask me any question you like through an email and it will be addressed here without revealing the asker.

It has always been one of my life-long dreams to be more organized.  My home is not a big pile of magazines and papers from years gone by…I’m not a hoarder…and it probably looks quite clean and tidy to most people, but I always seem to hang onto my right to have at least one drawer, half of the large kitchen table, one cupboard, one closet and one room that I can just throw or pile stuff in or on for now and clean it out properly later. 

That doesn’t seem like too much, does it…doesn’t everyone have a junk drawer?…a “stuff you don’t have a place for” cupboard?…a pile on the kitchen table?…a closet that no one really looks in?  And aren’t basements for sticking that stuff that you should throw out but haven’t got the time for it right now?

This way of life has suited me fine, until now.  I want to see if there is another way…and now with only one child at home and all this new found time from neglecting my friends on facebook, it is the right time!

I was whining to Lucas (child unit #3) about my inbox with 1300 emails in it, because since the wedding (March) and now the summer and two weeks offline…well it just built up.  It was going to be a chore to wade through it.  The urgent ones got addressed but what about all those emails I wanted to keep but didn’t have a place for it?

Lucas told me gently that’s why we have folders…the drawers of the cyber world.  He had a system whereby he immediately puts emails into a folder after reading them…so his inbox only had eight  emails in it!  I had folders already but never really used them, but now this form of disorganization was mucking up my brain.  I went folder-crazy.  This process was assisted also by an accidental deleting of about 1000 old emails.  Oops.

I now have eighteen folders…but this needs revision.  Some of them are old “closets” that are too vague, with names like “stuff to keep” or “temporary stuff to keep”   Plus…I anticipate that I will need to clean out these folders at some point so it’s not exactly maintainance free, but…I have 0 emails in my inbox.  0!

Crap…now I have five…wait a second…(brief pause) okay I’m back and it’s 0 again.  I delete or read…then reply if needed…then delete or file… I LOVE this!!!

The drawers and closets will have to wait for winter weather though…

Molly...anxious, attention-seeking, affectionate

Shaggy: heat-seeking, wobbly, loudest purrs ever

I live on a farm. We don’t have animals or chores (beyond these three cats and their litter boxes), but we sometimes deal with things that city dwellers don’t fully comprehend. Some of the challenges include not being able to go for a peaceful walk or bike ride anytime I want (the major highway makes it unpleasant), occasional disagreeable smells from the neighbouring pig farm, and frequent glitches in our internet connection.

Patch: PTSD, gorgeous, ellusive

It’s complicated, and since I don’t speak computer, I won’t even attempt to explain why it happened or how it was fixed. For the purposes of this post you only need to know that we were essentially without an internet connection for roughly two weeks.

Yes…you read correctly. No typo. There were a few days in the middle when there was a weak and sloooow connection, and a few stolen moments at a London Williams Cafe, but for essentially practically almost two weeks I was without email or facebook. I did not tweet for two weeks (and the world did not end).

I didn’t panic…I have a crackberry. I did attend to urgent emails.

I spent the first few days in shock…denial…withdrawal…

Then, after a few days, it hit me…I was sitting in the kitchen looking at the dirty dishes and thought “I’ve got nothing else to do. I might as well do them.” So I did the dishes (and it felt good), then I did the laundry, weeded the garden, read, golfed, weeded some more (and it felt good)…golfed more, and before I knew it I could see my kitchen table and then…MY whole HOUSE WAS CLEAN.

The climax of the experience was yesterday, when I spent eight hours cleaning my garage. The internet was re-connected around noon, but, after a few quick must-have games of wordtwist, I completed the task and now have an immaculate garage!

Now this was not a controlled experiment…it was strictly a case study; a qualitative rather than quantitative project. But my conclusion is clear…when I stopped wasting hours following other people’s lives on facebook and attending to unimportant emails…my own life came back. I GOT SHIT DONE.

So forgive me if I don’t say happy birthday.  I may be scrubbing my toilet.  But I do care.

I got shaken up a few weeks ago. I was in Port Stanley, at the Festival Theatre, and I happened to pick a random card out of the rack of greeting cards. It said (something to the effect of)…

“I abhor judgement…or maybe I would just do anything to avoid confrontation.”

Yikes! I felt another layer of my idealist post-modern skin sloughing off. It was like whoever wrote that card could see into my soul and was calling me out on something I didn’t even yet acknowledge or understand. I have spent weeks letting it roll around in my head in my spare moments.

I do fight making judgements…I judge myself for judging…I don’t think that anyone has the right to impose their belief or value system on someone else…BUT I also have a nature that is analytical and thinks critically. So I am questioning myself about all this…
Do I avoid judgements because that makes me everyone’s friend? Am I afraid to piss people off? Pooooossibly. I really don’t like people to be angry with me. Maybe being free of judgement is some sort of guarantee…how could anyone not like someone who just lets you be whoever or whatever you are? I may be afraid of being disliked…this is true. Although I have tried to let go of this curse many times, and have done so to some degree, clinging to a non-judgemental stance may be a disguise for just being… safe… nothing…blank.

When is it okay to judge? I give myself permission to judge people’s thoughtless or irresponsible or hurtful behaviours. It’s even important to do so because we all share this planet. I think its okay to proclaim my strong dislike for things like littering, smoking and Jack Black (except in that holiday film with Kate Winslet). I also reserve the right to quietly judge major fashion faux-pas (and I continue to enjoy them for their entertainment value). In the theatre world, I make judgements all the time about what I prefer and what I think works or not, knowing full well that my opinion pretty much matters only to me. Sometimes a judgement is simply a discernment which defines our tastes and preferences.

When is judgement wrong? What is its ugly side? See previous post on homophobia. It’s not okay for me to judge how someone looks (I’m talking about face…body…not what they wear…that’s fair game), or any other unchangeable part of their nature or person. Race, creed (a toughy because sometimes someone’s beliefs lead them to be hurtful), sexual orientation, abilities, gender, age, caste (although rednecks seem to be fair game)…all are not deserving of judgement.

Am I afraid of being judged myself? Lol.  Of course. I’m trying to thicken the skin though.

My conclusion…from someone who is both suspicious of certainty and definitely prone to opinion…is that I will continue to struggle with these issues for all eternity. The world is gray with splashes of strong colour and some things are just black and white.

What do you think about all this?