Mother’s Day for many is a time of honoring and appreciating our mothers and what they have done and given for us.  This week, I wonder too if each of us could take some time to appreciate how we have mothered (and fathered) others and our own lives; how we have nurtured, cared for and brought our own selves into being.

So often we focus on what isn’t going well, or how we are flawed as individuals and parents, but we rarely hug ourselves and say “Job well done!”  When we do allow in some praise, it’s usually because others have given us recognition for something outward we’ve done. 

I’d like suggest we take part in a new tradition this weekend of being grateful for ourselves as well as for those who have nurtured our dreams into being.

Kathy’s suggestion for us to take part in a new tradition of being grateful for ourselves (as well as for those who have nurtured our dreams into being) is especially appealing because it hits to the core of my beliefs and values.   I believe that we truly cannot fully give love or gratitude to others until we learn to love and appreciate ourselves.  Yes, perhaps this is something that can happen simultaneously; however, loving and appreciating ourselves is right there in the mix as a prime ingredient.

If we were to “mother” ourselves (and for some of us we may have to create a whole new concept of what that means), what would that feel like?  What would your ideal mother do for you?  Would she listen to your problems and give you soothing answers? Would she remind you to take care of yourself, to eat healthy, to get enough sleep, to go for a walk?  In many of the 12-step meeting rooms that I’ve sat in over the years, I’ve heard of people firing their concept of God/Higher Power and borrowing a belief from another or recreating a new one.  Why can’t we learn to replace some of the negative voices in our head (I mean, I have plenty so I assume most of us have at least one or two!) with at least one that is soothing and supportive.

Learning to change our minds from negative thought patterns over to at least neutral, if not positive, isn’t easy. As one of my coaching clients is discovering, it takes concentrated effort and constancy, but it can be done.  You can listen to a recent interview I had with prolific author and expert therapist Dr. Eric Maisel by going to BTR’s Hope42Day to some tips about how to evolve how your think.

So this weekend when many of us are sending cards, chocolates and flowers…let’s remember to be grateful for ourselves too.

Happy Mother’s Day, y’all!

Right now (puns abounding) one of the biggest knots that I hear and read over and over again from same sex couples is the desire to be able to be covered by their partner’s insurance, 401k, work related benefits that hetero couples enjoy.  It seems that whether you agree with same sex marriage or not, a reason-minded person would be open to discussion about people (however they come into the world) who are in a committed, responsible partnership (married or not and by the way, how do we handle hetero-long term partnerships?) living under the same roof should be able to be signed up as a beneficiary of their partner regardless of sexual orientation or if they are married or not.  Seems to me that this issue is really about a contract agreement vs. marriage, or church and state.  Doesn’t the constitution say something about the separation of church and state? So couldn’t we come up with a contract for same sex (or hetero UN-married partners) that would allow for them to be covered by their partner and leave all the inflammatory discussions of marriage out of the equation and up to discussions in churches, synagogues, mosques, etc.

Please excuse my ignorance for not being an attorney nor reading the bills or legislation that is out there regarding this specific topic but it seems like what is causing the biggest RIFF IN LISTENING TO WHAT COULD BE POSSIBLE is the whole marriage issue.  Fine. We could discuss that topic later on down the road when most of humanity has grown up and matured.  For today, where we can focus our attention is in the legalities of fairness and what constitute our freedom of choice in terms of who we appoint as a beneficiary and what determines how they are a beneficiary.  Seems to me we could create a new law that would cover situations like this that does not require people to be married.

Of course, I understand that figuring out a way to make this work so that we can help householders to feel more secure in this world will sweep a whole bunch more dust bunnies from out under the rug such as who REALLY is behind calling the shots on healthcare and costs (hopefully there are people out there in the throws of inventing a really robust vacuum).

To allow for the ability of a different perspective to occur in us, we must be willing to step out of our tendency to “spin” or to get caught up in the spin.  We must be able to step back and lay out the facts of what is going on so that we can clearly know what are the real issues at hand here.  How is the issue of providing insurance and benefits for our partners and focusing in on the belief horror house of same sex marriage any different than those Episcopal and Protestant renegades sailing across the pond for the freedom of religion?

What freedom is really at stake here?

In our discussion last night one of the insights shared was, “when we choose to be abstinent from our addiction (people, alcohol, drugs, food, cigarettes, negative thinking, fill-in-the-blank) and practice our behavior to the best of our abilities, it is a form of making amends to ourselves as well as others”.  For some reason, I heard this concept in a very different way last night. It helped me finally grok what it meant to “love yourself” because to make amends to yourself is a form of loving yourself.  In other words, people who love themselves choose thoughts and behaviors that lead to actions that help them to care for themselves as well as others.  Basic common sense right?   For someone suffering from addiction, often times, you must apply abstinent behavior and action first even when the  thoughts and feelings going on in your head feel absolutely crazy and have faith that eventually a calm and even keeled mindset will follow.  Seems really counter-intuitive but from my own experience I suspect that we’ve allowed an addict mentality (gotta gotta have something or gotta gotta say something RIGHT NOW!) to override healthy intuition.  I know I’ve spent many a day/night/week/month, well you get where I’m going, when the overriding action taken was to indulge in my addiction(s) of choice.  So just NOT indulging in those things is making an amend to yourself

Making an amends to yourself may not seem that important to you, especially if you’re smack dab in the middle of feeling pretty rotten but if that’s the case you can assume that your thinking is a bit off kilter because people who are coming from a healthy self-esteem place instinctively “know” that making amends to yourself is a great way to love and take care of yourself.  And,  oh by the way, it goes to say that when we are taking good care of ourselves and loving ourselves this just naturally overflows to having a positive impact to those around us.  Just as when we indulged in our addictions, they were impacted by that too.

Even though I’ve been sober from alcohol for a number of years and abstinent from unhealthy eating for almost a decade, there was still a tiny–but significant–part of my brain that had filed away my abstinent behavior as being some form of punishment because I wasn’t the same as those who could enjoy things in a healthy way that I cannot.  So great was my guilt and shame for the years of denial and regret about my behavior that some part of me felt that I owed the world hugely for just allowing me to continue living on this planet.  And that’s after several occasions of making amends to people who I had harmed (and probably felt resentment towards) in the past.

What a freeing, very freeing concept to consider that as you and I live this clean way of living that we’ve chosen to live…we’re making amends to ourselves on a continuous basis.  It just doesn’t get much sweeter than this!

One of the nice things about having lived in a place since 1980, is that I’ve had the opportunity to meet and make friendships over a long period of time.  I’ve known some of my friends since my early twenties so the history and experiences we share are rich with connection and value for me.

Of course it is great fun to meet a new friend and establish connections, similarities and appreciations.  But there is nothing quite like having a friend who you’ve known for decades because you don’t have to explain every little thing to them. They know you.  That doesn’t mean we go on neutral when we’re in each others  company because we have no expectations for new thought or feelings. I think of it more as having reached a level of serenity and acceptance with another person.  There have been plenty of people who I’ve met over the years and chosen NOT to continue any form of friendship with for an extended period of time which makes those friends who I have kept friends who I care for deeply and enjoy traveling with through this life of ours.

Having good long-term friendships means cultivating acceptance for who they are (and you are), respect, humor, shared ideas, beliefs, values and experiences.  It’s not like in the olden days of my dysfunctional childhood when I would take one or maybe two friends “hostage” and spend almost round the clock time with them with no distance between me and them.   Today, I enjoy each of my friends for their own unique stamp in the world.  I relish learning what they’ve been learning, bouncing off thoughts and ideas, and laughing. A lot of laughing as well as crying too.

I have one good friend who is climbing out of the pit of depression.  For well over a year she’s been trying to fight off this debilitating depression with no hope in sight and has finally found a professional who can help her unlock the black cage of despair.  After every phone call or meeting she thanks me for hanging in there with her but what she doesn’t seem to remember right now is how many times she’s been there for me in my past.  I am supremely confident that if the situations were flipped, she would be helping me to dig out of my pit too.  And we’ve got a long history of many great and wonderful shared times together.  That kind of shared time is worth its weight in gold.  I also feel that in some way, I’m paying back my gratitude for all those times in my past when friends came to my rescue and saw me through some of my deepest, darkest periods.  Unfortunately, I’ve lost touch with some of those friends, but I always think about them and send a thought of thanks followed by reciprocal action with another when I’m able.

When I think of one friend in particular who used to stay on the phone and talk me through my horrible anxiety attacks, I always send her gratitude and love.  I really don’t know how she found the calmness or patience to talk with me, but I am so glad that she did.

Friendships over a lifetime means learning together and really letting others see who you are, warts and all as well as sharing many, many experiences of fun and enjoyment.

How about you?  What kind of friendships do you enjoy today?

Erhan Hosca, Liliy Kindler and Lynn Kindler 2012

Through the years, I’ve shared about the early days of dating my husband (we’ve been married for 20 years!) in that I was so out of touch with understanding who I was, much less liking myself, that I had no concept of what it meant to be “real” in a relationship.  I had spent all of my twenties reading numerous glamor magazines that supposedly had the goods on “how to get your man” and none on how to just be yourself and attract a better match the natural way.  I definitely enjoyed being chased and chasing too  but had no clue as to what to do with the guy once I “caught” them. In fact, looking back on those times I’ve realized that I usually attracted someone incompatible with my values and world views because who I was projecting to them was some figment of my imagination and not who I really was.  Those magazines really didn’t make that point clear.  I call those days the “catch and burn” time.

Fortunately, during the time period when I first met my husband I was diligently studying the 12-steps of AA and applying them to how I thought and acted. I was learning how I thought and felt and what I believed as well as how I showed up in life and how to treat others (as well as myself).  One of the traits that I embraced was honesty so that meant that when my honey and I interacted, I was invested in being as honest about who I was as I was able.  This was a time of many “firsts” for me from holding back and not pouncing on my husband right off the bat to learning how to surf the myriad of intense feelings upon meeting someone I was really attracted to and allowing time to really get to know each other.

After a few months of dating I knew that he was the one and was constantly turning over the outcome of whether we would end up together for the long haul to my higher power (who I choose to call God).  During that intense first year together, it kind of freaked me out when the more I was true to myself, the more he seemed to like me.  That just didn’t compute with what I had taught myself about how a girl should be to attract the perfect guy.  Who ever thought I’d meet someone who was as tired as I was after working all week at an intense job and all they wanted to do was watch good television and chow down on a pizza?!

I’m convinced that to have a great relationship you first have to be in the relationship.  You have to know and like yourself well enough to show up as the beautiful YOU that you are.  As my good friend and mentor used to tell me, “Lynn, life is hard enough to deal with in a good relationship so don’t settle for anything less”.   I’ve come to know how right she was!  Life is a curve ball thrower for sure and I can’t imagine anything suckier than to have some really crappy life occurrence happen and to be in a relationship that you’re already have to work really hard at just to keep it at neutral.

What attracted you to this blog?  Are you looking for clues on how to have (or find) a great relationship?  What’s been your experience in this area? Curious minds and hearts want to know!

Going back to college to finish up a degree many years from when I was 18 has been a real eye-opening experience for me.  There is so much information to be had from what we learn in class to just being in the cluster of students living their lives like I did many years ago.  So much to process!  Did you know that violence is used by Hollywood so much because it “travels” well which means that no matter what country and what language(s) is being spoken, most people understand violence.  That doesn’t mean to say that all countries like and accept violence though.  In fact, in Europe they are much more strict about violence on the screen but a also a lot more lax about sex than the U.S. Wonder if reducing violent movies and television shows in the U.S. could be as simple as us making it not as easy to travel across our country? Hmmmm.

Re-learned a concept called “Euro-centrism” which means that it sanitizes Western history while patronizing and even demonizing the non-West it thinks of itself in terms of its noblest achievements-science, progress, humanism–but of the non-West in terms of its deficiencies, real or imagined.

I suspect most countries have their own form of centrism but I can sure see my own country’s Eurocentrism when traveling abroad to other countries.  So what does that mean about us and our perspectives?  Are we just nothing but chunks of protein for the dazzling soup recipe that our advertisers and talking heads want us to soak in? 

If you were to sit back where you live and take a few minutes to look around what would your surroundings say about you? Mine probably says a lot!  And I feel good about what I surround myself with because it is all items and furniture that I really, really enjoy (not because I’m being influenced to buy it)!   Would I love do some re-designing and refurbishing of my home? Oh sure. Always seem to find something that needs fixing or changing, but I’m not changing something because I’m in a trance about how it “should” look.  Nothing more startling to me than to walk into somebody’s home which looks like the inside of a department store showroom.  No personality. Who is home anyway? Stepfordization must just be around the corner?!?!

Being in country-sized trance is something I’ve been pondering about lately. Because after all, if we are all really “connected” then I sure don’t want to find myself pulled off a cliff with the crowd!  Enjoy your life and how you show up in it today and let yourself be who you really are!

And I can make rolling around in this stuff look really good too because there is so much that I’m willing to do in my complacency that others aren’t willing to do.

But I know what I’m doing (or not doing as it were).

Upon further reading in the book “Bounce” by Matthew Syed, I’ve learned that becoming a glorious expert at something is not about doing something for ten thousand hours but rather being very focused and putting concentrated effort into something for 10,000 hours. In fact, it’s about stretching way out of your comfort zone, such as if you are practicing your golf swing to hit the balls out of the sand and be willing to have sand flying in your face to really perfect your swing.

I have realized that I’ve been really grooving along in my coaching business for the past few years not really putting my neck out there like some of my successful coaching friends do by speaking in front of lot’s of groups or offering retreats or just inviting people to a free coaching session so that they experience coaching with me to see if it is for them or not.  So, now I’m putting myself out there.  I’ve been contacting all kinds of people and places to speak and empower as well as offering a “Writing Down Your Soul Retreat” for women, this July 20-22, 2012.

Are you in your comfort zone?  Is it working for you? If not, why not?  If you were to stretch and be willing to get a little bit uncomfortable…what would you do?

A couple of years ago, Malcolm Gladwell came out with the book, “Outliers” which is about….here is his definition:

What is an outlier?

“Outlier” is a scientific term to describe things or phenomena that lie outside normal experience. In the summer, in Paris, we expect most days to be somewhere between warm and very hot. But imagine if you had a day in the middle of August where the temperature fell below freezing. That day would be outlier. And while we have a very good understanding of why summer days in Paris are warm or hot, we know a good deal less about why a summer day in Paris might be freezing cold. In this book I’m interested in people who are outliers—in men and women who, for one reason or another, are so accomplished and so extraordinary and so outside of ordinary experience that they are as puzzling to the rest of us as a cold day in August.

Fast forward a few years to Matthew Syed’s book, “Bounce” which further explores what makes exceptional people, well, exceptional which is hard work and lot’s and lot’s of practice.  These two books can help us with our perspective about excellent outliers the next time we see someone who is exceptional at something and instead of just “assuming” it is because they are lucky, that they were just born that way, and/or they were at the right place at the right time we will be able to consider that they probably have put lots of hard work and time into being able to do what they do so well.

Hmmmm. What have I created with the many hours of on-line solitaire that I’ve played?  More ruts in my brain?

I don’t know about you, but I would much rather have a curious and open mind about who someone is and how they are able to do what they do so well rather than to come from a “victim” mentality of believing that I am less than because I cannot do what they do or at least not as well.

We all have something inside of us that can be magnificent if we take the time to polish and shine it up with steadfast dedication.  Malcolm and Matthew say that to become excellent or an outlier with something the research shows that one spends about 10,000 hours of doing it, fine tuning it, reshaping it, paying attention to it, etc.  So if we spent just two hours a day working and practicing at something we’d really like to become an expert at then we will become an expert in a little over 13 years from now.

Let’s get started!! What are you going to be mindful about doing every day for 1-2 hours for the next decade or so?  Assuming we’ll all be alive, we’re going to be breathing, eating, sleeping and all that other good stuff that goes with life…so why not be intentional about some of what we’re doing?   What will you do?

Still, when we walked into the Memorial park (you can go on-line and make reservations for a pass), I became mute, grabbed the info brochure and sat down to see what was there and what was in process.  Where the Twin Towers had been are now pools (North and South pools), but it’s much more than that.

I think the pools are very classy and perfectly capture so many of our deep feelings.  All around the lip of the pool are the engraved names of all who perished on 9-11-01.  The water flows down the walls and then into a pool the size of the base of the towers and then into a smaller hole that no matter where you stand you cannot see the bottom.  Anyone who has ever felt deep grief or pain, understands the powerful imagery of that pool.

The other touching living being on the site is the Callery Pear Tree.   I don’t think they allowed camera’s or cell phone use on the site, but even if they had…it wouldn’t have felt right to take a photo.  Still. I did ask one of the people giving information about her and if I could touch her and was told that many people wanted to touch her and that she probably needed that.  I could feel all kinds of life pouring through her and also deep grief.  A lot of times we humans are ignorant of the animals, plants and trees that also feel the energy and trauma of what happens to them as well as what goes on around them.  Important to consider.

Anyway, if you are a New Yorker or from the surrounding communities and have felt that going to the site would be too much for you…of course I understand. We all do. And….going may be a very healing process for you.  There is absolutely nothing expected of you.  Just go and sit and be and know that you are loved and that you are taken care of and remember that we are all connected.

The America I’m talking about in this article, though, is the United States.

And you could probably throw all kinds of descriptors at my name that would label me with who you think I am in some form or fashion so as to really piss you off and enable you to crawl inside the jury that lives in each of our heads with an under-the-breath-retort of “well, sure, THAT kind of person would want to live in the U.S.  I know I do that kind of snap judging all the time. It’s so easy now with mass media…I’ve thus far resisted the urge to listen to what Rush Limbaugh said; however, information is so pervasive out there that I’ve pretty much gotten the gist of it.  I can just snap, snap away until I become this little sniveling creature holed away in my little world of beliefs with no entry for other perspectives to ease their way in and shift my paradigm.  Hope you’re not suffering from that as well! It’s lonely in here.

We need to remember that the media is here for us to use and not for it to use us (pun intended).

What’s helped me to remember the good things about living in the U.S. A. is listening to people who have become citizens here after leaving their home country behind.  We (Americans) are very insulated from what it is really like to live as a citizen in so many places around our Earth.

So, yeah, I can just almost not stand to listen to the news or read a paper that has anything to say about the primaries going on right now because of the double and triple talk spitting back and forth, but at least I know that it is going on. I have the freedom to educate myself on how to listen better and get to a place where I can find my own understanding of what is happening around me so that then I can then make the best informed choices that I can.

Plug for Dylan Ratigan and his book “Greedy Bastards”….the talking mouths like to say that the media is overrun by the liberals, but actually statistics back up the fact that the media is coming from a place that is more to the center and leaning towards the right than left.  With that said, though, I’m glad to see a talking head like Dylan, out there with a successful show on MSNBC getting is thoughts and opinions out there.  After watching the taping of his interview on “Overheard with Evan Smith” I was impressed with the breadth and depth of his knowledge.

We do have choices out there people of what we listen to, read and where we focus our attention.

Do you want to live in America? If so, why? If not, why not? Back it up.