“You may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife, and you may ask yourself, ‘Well, how did I get here?’” – The Talking Heads

It occurred to me on the train ride to the office this morning that my life is pretty amazing: I live in a great town with fantastic weather year-round, the mountains and the beach are within driving distance, I live in a society where I’m free to express my opinions without fear of reprisal, no one (at least no one that I’m aware of) is trying to kill me, I eat well, I sleep indoors (except for when I lock myself out of my office at 4 AM…it’s a great story), I love my work, and I’m surrounded by people who love me and want me to be happy.   Thinking of all that made me grateful and put a contented smile on my face; it was a great morning meditation.

And then, unbidden and unwelcome, came the the two most frightening words known to man: now what?  My immediate reaction to the question was, “What do you mean, ‘Now what?’  I just finished reviewing all of my reasons for being happy and satisfied, and, rather than bask in that moment, you want to know ‘Now what?’  Isn’t that enough?”

Of course the answer was no, it’s not.  It’s never enough.  That’s part of being human.  Once we’ve achieved a level of stability or satisfaction or happiness, we immediately want to know what’s next: what new mountain needs climbing, what new frontier needs exploring, what new thoughts need thinking.  It’s not that we’re ungrateful; it’s that, as humans, we need to keep moving.  We’re like sharks: if we don’t swim, we sink.

That being the case, why are those two tiny words so terrifying?  How can such a simple question stop you dead in your tracks?

It’s because we don’t know the answer, and we dislike uncertainty.  We’d love it if we could look into the future and know exactly what’s going to happen next, right?  Well, not really.  Because at the same time, we need uncertainty, too.  Confused?  Yeah…get used to that.  The great thing about having a gigantic brain is that we can use it to do more than just survive; we can use it to create and invent and mold and shape the world around us.  The not-so-great thing about having a gigantic brain is that it keeps coming up with questions that we don’t have the answers to…yet.  Questions like ‘Now what?’

What can you do in the meantime, while waiting for that gigantic brain to come up with an answer?  You can learn to let go of the need to know.  You can learn to trust that the way will unfold before you, and the next step will become clear at precisely the right moment.  You can learn to appreciate and enjoy and live in the moment you’re in.

When confronted with the question ‘Now what?’, the best answer is often ‘I don’t know…let’s see!’

For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been doing a new podcast with my good friend, Jackie Dotson (AKA Captain Awesome).  Jackie is an all-around badass business therapist, and doing the podcast with her has been a lot of fun.  Click here to check it out…it’s called “The Powder Keg of Awesome”. I’d love to hear your feedback on the show and to have you call in to share some ideas, if you’re so inclined…the call-in number is listed on the show’s page.

Anyhow, the reason I bring it up is that this past Wednesday, the show was all about the lessons from 2011 that we planned to carry into 2012.  2011 was a pretty epic year for me, and for a lot of others I think, too.  There were some really shitty parts (getting divorced, some major financial setbacks, the end of a couple of very close friendships), some really amazing parts (new friendships, new directions in my business, new partnerships, a new relationship), and some really incredible learning that happened along the way.

One of the biggest lessons of 2011 for me was learning to let go, particularly letting go of my attachments.  What does that mean?  It means that I learned to watch things unfold, to observe without judgement or interference, to accept that life is random and chaotic and that there is a beauty to all of it, even the bits that don’t turn out like I planned.

I was listening to Maria Nemeth speak a couple of nights ago, and the thing that stood out to me was her repetition of four very simple words: clarity, focus, ease, and grace. Clarity, focus, ease, and grace. Clarity, focus, ease, and grace.  I can’t think of a better way to move through life than with those four qualities.  And inherent in all four of them is the ability to let go.  To let go of the noise in your head and pay attention to your purpose.  To let go of the 1,001 distractions and concentrate on what’s truly important to you.  To let go of your need to struggle and to accept that life is supposed to be fun.  To let go of your resentments and anger over the past and to choose the path of forgiveness and tolerance.

Here’s the real message: those things you’re holding onto so tightly are the very things that are holding you back.

Learn to let go.  Cultivate the ability to step back and observe, without judgement or interference, and to allow your life to unfold in the way that it will.

Does that mean that you shouldn’t set goals or make plans or try to influence the outcomes of your life?  Of course not.  You’re in the driver’s seat of your life; you have to decide how you want to live it.  The secret is to learn how to do that without getting attached.  It sounds like a paradox, I know, but it gets easier the more you practice.  As Deepak Chopra says, “Set the intention, let go of your attachments, and let the Universe do the rest.”

That’s the recipe for real happiness: live your life on purpose, and let go of your attachments to having it turn out a particular way.  If you can learn to do that, you’ll be amazed at the difference it makes in your life.

If you want to hear a little more about the subject of letting go, check out this episode of the “Powder Keg of Awesome” podcast.   You should also check out what my good friend Jeff Marmins had to say about the subject in his recent blog post “Letting Go“.  While you’re at it, leave a comment here to let me know about your big lessons from 2011.  What did you learn that’s going to change your life moving forward?

“If I told you what it takes to reach the highest highs, you’d laugh and say, ‘Nothing’s that simple.’ But you’ve been told many times before, Messiah’s pointing to the door, and no one had the guts to leave the temple.” – from “I’m Free” by The Who

“That’s what a writer does. A writer’s job is to tell the truth.” – Andy Rooney

I was reading an article about Andy Rooney’s death earlier this week, and I came across that quote.  Rooney, best known for his curmudgeonly opinion pieces at the end of episodes of “60 Minutes“, is one of my heroes.  Granted, I haven’t worked my way through all 1,097 of his show-enders, but what I’ve seen consistently is a man who wasn’t afraid to speak his mind.  He didn’t hold back.

Sometimes he offended people, sometimes he caused an uproar, but he always spoke his truth.  He didn’t form his opinions by sticking his finger to the wind or consulting focus groups; he knew where he stood.  Whether you agreed with him or not, whether you like him or not, you got the sense that he was a person of conviction.

So here’s a question to ponder while you reflect on Rooney’s passing: can people say the same about you?

Speaking your truth isn’t always easy.  It’s not always popular.  It’s not always going to make people like you.  And it’s the most important thing you’ll ever do.

Of course, in order to speak your truth, you have to know what it is.  Are you taking the time to reflect on what’s truly important in your life?  Are you seeking to find your truth?  Or have you checked out and resigned yourself to living out the plans others have made for you?

I read this on Steve Hamm‘s Facebook wall earlier tonight: “Building a life by design, not by default.”  Yeah…that’s it.  That’s what I’m talking about.  Steve is spot on: if you’re not choosing your truth, designing your life every step of the way, then you’re building a life by default.  Usually those defaults have been programmed by someone else, and the default programs are typical not going to give you the life you want.

Andy Rooney made a career out of speaking his truth; there’s absolutely no reason your truth should be any different or less meaningful.  You just have to develop the audacious habit of standing in it, living it, and choosing to do so every minute of every day.  And that, dear readers, is the secret sauce to a fulfilled life.

Just for fun, here’s my favorite Andy Rooney moment:

How about you?  Do you have a favorite Andy Rooney-ism?  If so, or even if you hated him, share it in the comments below.

There seem to be a lot of opinions about what qualifies as the truth these days. Politicians of every stripe, religious leaders and zealots, philosophers and scientists all clamor for attention as they hold up their ancient teachings or current opinions or latest discoveries as “the truth”, the one and only way to believe. It can be pretty confusing to digest, and even harder to actually do anything with it all.

Fortunately, that’s not the kind of truth I’m talking about when I speak of choosing the truth. It’s not universal truth I’m interested in; I’ll leave that chase to others. What I’m digging for and becoming more obsessed with every day is the pursuit of personal truth, that thing at the core of each of us that is the driving force of our lives…or should be.

And there’s the rub. Too many of us have stopped caring about our personal truth. We’ve sacrificed it to the gods of Comfort, Complacency, and Conformity. We’ve found that life is easier if we don’t make waves or have big dreams, that things go more smoothly if we just keep our heads down, keep plodding along, and ignore the tugging at our souls to do bigger, more important things.

But the more we ignore the tugging, the deeper our world sinks into mediocrity. Each day, with every decision to give up on the pursuit of greatness and settle for what life has served up with smiles on our faces, the world gets a little grayer and a little more bland. It doesn’t have to be that way; we can choose differently. We can choose the truth.

Choosing the truth is simply this: a resolve to stop lying to yourself. It’s finding the guts to stop pretending that giving up on your dreams is okay. It’s finding the courage to face the toughest question life has to offer: what, exactly, is my life about? What am I here for? What can I offer that no one else can to make this world a better place to live?

Big questions, I know. Scary questions, for sure. But would you rather ask them now, while you can still do something about the answers, or when it’s too late and you’re stuck with the regret?

I won’t kid you: choosing the truth won’t be easy. It will be a decision you’ll have to make every day for the rest of your life, and probably several times a day. The outcome won’t always be desirable or pleasant (more on that in a future post), but you’ll have the comfort of knowing you’re moving consciously, and you’ll be able to make course corrections along the way to get closer to the outcome you want.

In the end, you won’t have to wonder if you really lived. You’ll look back on a life, not of quiet desperation like the mass of men lead, but of deliberate choice. And that, my friends, is a life truly worth living.

Boy…where to start? So much has happened in the last 90 days, I really don’t know what to talk about first. So I’ll start by explaining the title of this post.

Over the next few days, you’re going to see some changes to this blog, starting with the name. When I started blogging back in 2006 (holy shit, has it really been that long?), my intention was to talk about business, specifically about customer service and sales. The name of the blog came from an idea I had for an audio program (which I eventually created and you can download for free here), and it was appropriate for the topics I was writing about at the time. But that day has passed.

As I’ve started writing more about personal development and sharing stories and experiences from my own life, the “Motivation 101″ name has had less meaning and relevance to what’s going on here. I didn’t really know what else to call it, though, so I left it alone. Then I took a pretty long hiatus from regular posts, and what I was going to call the blog became secondary to my worries about actually writing content for the blog. I was starting to wonder if I was ever going to back to it.

And then both problems, as problems often do, worked themselves out at the same time.

You see, over the past few months I’ve been obsessed with the idea of choosing the truth and detaching from any outcome. In other words, speaking and acting in a way that’s congruent with your true purpose and letting go of how people react to it.

The more time I spent with the idea, the more it resonated with me; but for some reason, I couldn’t write about it. I’d sit down to write a post and end up distracting myself with other stuff. I was avoiding speaking my own truth. Resisting it with every unconscious behavior I could muster. And, every day, inching closer to the breakthrough, the day when I would sit down and it would all just flow. I think that day has finally arrived.

Welcome to the newly christened “Choosing the Truth” blog. I’ll have an updated header in a couple of days, and probably some changes to inconsequential things like layout and colors and fonts and about pages and such. In the meantime, please pardon the dust during this remodel, and let me know what you think of the change. I’m looking forward to taking this journey of discovery with all of you, because the truth is awesome, even when it sucks.

You know what a BHAG is, right? It’s an acronym for Big Hairy Audacious Goal, and if you have any, you know they can be scary. In fact, BHAGs are all about setting your sights on something that really scares the piss out of you.

The first definition I could find for “audacious” was “extremely bold or daring; recklessly brave; fearless”; I like that. It conjures images of people running into burning towers to save the lives of complete strangers, and risking (or losing) their own lives in the process. It’s a noble attribute that we all aspire to but that very few of us ever have the opportunity to test; I don’t think it’s the definition I’d use to describe a goal. After all, just because the goal is big and hairy and makes your knees knock land your heart skip beats doesn’t mean you have to pursue it recklessly.

I like this definition better: “recklessly bold in defiance of convention, propriety, law, or the like; insolent; brazen.” Or even this one: “lively; unrestrained; uninhibited”. I think that captures the spirit of a BHAG: you’re doing something that flies in the face of your norm, something in defiance of the conventions and limitations of your current life situation, something that your family members or friends might consider insolent or brazen, something uninhibited; in short, something all you. BHAGs are about speaking and living your truth.

But how do you pursue a Big Hairy Audacious Goal, well, audaciously? After all, audacity isn’t a quality that’s encouraged in our society; in fact, audacious children are scolded, disciplined and medicated in an effort to get them to “just behave”. And it’s no different when they leave school and go off to work: audacity and middle management are blood enemies. So how do we learn to behave audaciously again?

It’s simple, really: do something that scares you. Don’t think about it…just do it. Start with something small and work your way up. Don’t ignore the fear you feel; don’t fight it or judge it as bad. Feel the fear, then do it anyways.

You’ll be amazed at how taking simple, small, audacious action on a regular basis (daily, if possible) will change you. Right now, go make a list of the things that scare you: put everything on it, the large and the small, the things that terrify you and the things that just make you sweat a little. Pick one of the not so scary things, and make it happen this week, today if you can (and you can…it’s just your fear that wants you to schedule it for Friday at noon).

And make your commitment to do it even stronger by leaving a comment on this post; if you commit to it in a public forum like this, the chances that you’ll actually do it will be much greater. When you’ve done it, be sure to come back and share that, too. Your story might be just the thing that will push someone out of a life of timidity and into a life of bold, daring, audacious action.

Well hello there; it’s been a while, hasn’t it. Don’t worry, though: I’m not going to bore you with the details this time. I’ve just been off hibernating. Ruminating. Percolating. Meditating.

The Foo Fighters have always been a favorite band of mine and their new song “Walk” (the video above) takes it to a whole new level. It’s a fantastic song on a lot of levels, but more than anything it’s the lyrics; they really hit home right now. I am, indeed, learning to walk again. I’ve certainly waited long enough. So…where do I begin?

Everything is moving. My business is steadily growing, I’m working on a couple of joint ventures that look promising, and I have a project in the works that’s looking to be incredibly fun and exciting. At the same time, I’m getting acquainted with being single for the first time in a long time. And I’m performing again.

Relationships are changing, work is changing, play is changing. And I’m definitely changing: more relaxed, more productive, in the flow, watching the unfolding of my life instead of trying to control the outcome. Letting go of my need to be in control.

Personal evolution is a funny thing; it’s only when you stop trying to evolve that it finally happens. It happens when you start showing up, appreciating the present moment, and detaching from the need to know how things are going to turn out. It happens when you stop worrying what other people are going to think and start speaking and living your truth.

I think T.S. Eliot was right:

“We shall not cease from exploration,
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”

This place certainly looks familiar…but also different. It must be the new eyes.

Last week was another one of those “learning” weeks.

It all started on Wednesday when my BFF Carolyn posted the video for Nickleback’s song “If Today Was Your Last Day” on Facebook.  I’m not a huge Nickleback fan, but I love the message of this song.  My favorite line: “Against the grain should be a way of life. What’s worth the prize is always worth the fight.”  After all of the discoveries from the past few weeks, you’d think I’d be used to this by now, but hearing this song stopped me in my tracks and reminded me just how fragile life is and how I shouldn’t be wasting any time doing things I don’t really care about.

Then came the hard lesson: on Friday morning, I learned that a kid I had known out in Calaveras County, and who I’d spent some time mentoring when I lived there, had died in a car accident the day before.

Holy. Shit.

He was only 20…newly married…his whole life ahead of him.  And gone.  Just like that.  His Facebook page is still up…his friends have been leaving messages and tagging pictures.  Welcome to mourning in the digital age.  I keep going back and reading the new posts and thinking over and over about the delicate thread we hang on by.

And then I read this post by Johnny B. Truant, where he basically drove the point home in a way that only Johnny B. can: with a 2×4 to the back of the head.  He basically said, although much more eloquently, that if you’re planning on doing great things in your life, what the hell are you waiting for?  If you’re not doing it now, when do you plan on starting?

And you know what?  I think I’m finally starting to get it…

If you’re waiting to say “I love you” until “the time is right”, stop waiting.  Say it now.  You might not get another chance.

If you’re waiting to start  that business of your dreams until you have more time, stop stalling.  Be about it.  Now would be good.

If you’ve been thinking of changing careers to one you’ll actually enjoy, stop thinking.  Take the first step.  Now.

At the end of the day, now is all you’ve got.  Use it wisely.

________________________________________________

In loving memory of Ryan Vlavianos, 1991-2001.  You will be missed by all of us who knew and loved you.

Yesterday I promised to reveal the question that has transformed my life and taken me from playing small to playing larger than I ever have, from showing up as the janitor to embracing my inner rock star and finally, finally starting to live on purpose. But before I do, let me tell you a little about the events leading up to this discovery and how taking some of these steps can help you to finally quiet those voices in your head that keep telling you that you’re not good enough.

I’d been up visiting family in Oregon for my niece’s graduation. On the way home, we decided to stop overnight in the little town where I grew up, Cave Junction, Oregon (go ahead, Google it…you’ll be stunned). We spent Sunday night at my uncle’s house, and Monday morning we decided to putter around town for a few hours before heading back home to Sacramento.

It had been a long, long time, like a couple of decades, since I’d spent any significant time in CJ (that’s what we locals call it). I’d been back in my adult life for three occassions: the funerals of my grandparents, the funeral of my cousin, Steven, and the wedding of my niece, Kristy. Each of those trips had been accomplished, round trip from Sacramento, in a single day. Meaning in and out, no time for sight-seeing. This time was different; no one was in a hurry, and we just wandered around a bit.

And then it happened: I said I wanted to go to my old elementary school and take a picture and, as soon as I set foot on that hallowed ground, I started shaking and getting choked up, then crying. It made no sense. There I was, a grown man, standing in front of this timy little school and weeping. Ummm…WTF?

My brother Kevin had jumped out of the car with me and he suggested that we take a walk around the school grounds and see what happened. As I was walking through the halls and out on the playground, I felt like I was wrestling with a ghost. I heard all the voices of all the kids calling me “nerd” and “four-eyes” and making fun of my hand-me-down clothes. I remembered what it felt like to never quite fit in because I’d been moved up from first to second grade in the first few weeks of school because I could already read at fourth-grade level.

And it hit me: this is exactly where I learned to feel “less than”. To feel inferior. To not like myself. It was a scene that would be repeated throughout my school days, right up until I decided in high school that I’d rather be liked than be smart, and started to pretend so that I could fit in.

In that moment, a lot of questions got answered. Like why I’ve been sabotaging myself for so long. Like why I seem to be determined to prove my negative, self-destructive beliefs right by behaving in a way that supports them. Like why I’ve been acting like…well…like a big weenie for so long.

The drive home was intense. I sat quietly, staring out the window. I think my folks thought that maybe I’d had some kind of psychoyic episode or break with reality. But I was just thinking. Thinking of all the ways that I’d been letting a bunch of second-graders hold me back in my life. Thinking of all the times I’d let their voices win the debate. And realizing that it was finally all over, that I was done with it, that I’d left that ghost back on that playground.

It was a couple of days later and a few tons of emotional baggage lighter when I first discovered the most powerful question question. I’d just finished a conversation with a close friend, someone who’d proved to me the meaning of friendship and stuck by me through some pretty dark days.

As I hung up the phone, I asked myself, “Now, would someone as amazing as that really want to be my friend and stand by me through times like this if I’m really the piece of shit I try to convince myself I am?”

I was literally shocked into silence. Even the chatter in my brain stopped for a full beat as I processed the question. So I asked it again, this time demanding an answer from myself. Silence still. I had no answer, other than the obvious one. So I didn’t stop; I kept asking. “And what about _____? Would he like you if you were such a wretched human being? And _______? Would she always call to check in on you if you were all that bad?”

And so for the last ten days I’ve been playing this game; every time someone demonstrates friendship or kindness toward me, I ask myself, “Now would they have done that if you’re really the bottom-feeder you think you are?”

And, of course, the answer is always the same: no. I must not be, because I really respect that person, and I don’t want to make them wrong just so I can be right. Now, more than ever, I want to earn their belief in me by letting myself show up as the rock star they think I am.

So here’s what I want you to do: if you did your homework yesterday, you should have a list of people who really dig you. It might not be a long list to start with; hell, mine only had one name on it at the beginning. It will get longer as you start to pay attention. Got your list? Start asking yourself the question: “If I’m really the piece of shit I believe myself to be, would ________ really like me and want to be my friend?”

And here’s the tricky bit: when you start to doubt yourself and beat yourself up and act like a weenie, you have to stop and ask yourself the question. And answer it honestly. And start to pay attention to all the people who love you and believe in you. Trust me, it’s way more fun and, in the end, far more satisfying.

So now that you know the secret, how will you use the most powerful question in the universe? Be sure to share your strategies and successes in the comment section below, and thanks for reading!