me

the motherload

iliketohugtrees — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 00:37:08 GMT

part of the reason i moved up to the east coast was because, subconsciously, i want to get in touch with my indian-american roots and meet more indian people my age that i actually get along with. there aren't nearly as many in texas, and they're all so clique-y because they feel the need to stick together for protection.

i went on a date with vijay last week, but i don't think he's my type. on saturday we went to dinner and to this club in alphabet city where a bunch of his indian frat brothers were throwing a party. it was swarming with indians. i had never seen so many indian people my age in my life--not even at the indian frat parties at a&m.

ironically, i felt a little uncomfortable being surrounded by them. i always do. but after a few drinks and after meeting some really nice girls, i slid in. finally, i found people just like me who don't necessarily watch hindi movies and are ibankers and in marketing and not engineering and medicine. people who drink and have sex and don't always do what their parents say, but weren't necessarily "out of control."

there were the prissy/pretty/bitchy indian girls that make me want to turn on my heels and go hide behind a ficus tree because they scare me. but there are girls from other ethnic backgrounds that make me do the same thing--i just forget this.

and then i got a text message from damien. it threw me off. "psst, are you awake?" i texted lauren: "tell him to bite your perfect ass," she said.

after the bar, we went to this place called kati roll. my eyes literally watered after we got our orders. paratas filled with paneer and chicken tikka. i miss my mom's food so much.

for some reason, after i came home, drunk and satisfied from the kati rolls, i decided to call damien back. we talked for two hours, but the time flew by. he was drunk, too, which was surprising. we talked about julie and our jobs and how our anniversary would have been that week. the only thing that stuck out from the conversation was the fact that he said that i used to say "some of the most hurtful things he'd ever heard in his life."

that stuck and after we got off the phone i immediately called shawn aka shawnie. he's coming to nyc tomorrow, indefinitely. he'll be my early valentine's day present. i sort of convinced him to come, not thinking that he actually would. now he's coming, and i'm on the edge, because i know i adore him--a lot--but that i don't want to be in a relationship with him right now. i'm trying to figure out who i am, trying to figure out manhattan--i cannot deal with a relationship right now.

but i've been saying awful things to him too, in hopes that i'll scare him away. he hasn't budged yet. part of me yearns to wake up next to him every day and belong to him. but most of me doesn't want to belong to anything right now. for the first time in my life, i'd actually rather go to bed and wake up alone. i need my space and it's hard to tell shawn since he's moving up here.

another bombshell today: i got a call from daniel the brit i met in the hostel's cell phone. which is odd...because he just returned to england less than two weeks ago. it turns out he got a visa, found a job and moved to california yesterday.

if he can pick up and come over here, then i can go back to europe. and i fully intend to. i have big plans after today--not just because of his brash move, but i also talked to a greek producer at work who convinced me to take chances and try to get to london if i ever want to report in the middle east.

but these steps are a long way away.

maybe there won't be marriage, maybe there won't be sex, but by god, there'll be dancing

iliketohugtrees — Sat, 10 Feb 2007 20:30:10 GMT

you can never have an ordinary night when you're in hoboken, new jersey.

hoboken is the cute little jersey town with a great view of the city and one square mile of young people, chic restaurants and chill bars.

kelly and i met there, halfway, and had dinner at some new orleans-themed bar/restaurant. i thought of damien the entire time, and of our trip to nola nearly two years before. the oysters and bleu cheese dressing, the jazz, the sweet thing with powdered sugar whose name i forget, the sex, the shady hotel.

to make matters worse, kelly is now dating a corrections officer who went to school in kansas whose name...is damien, so every time she talks about him i cringe.

needless to say, i needed a drink or five after everything, and luckily for us while walking out of the bathroom this macho staten island guy stopped kelly to ask her if she was thai. he'd been to thailand, yada yada. he convinced us to stay for a drink and left us with a $20 to get drinks while he bounced back and forth between his game of pool and us. i couldn't take my eyes off of his back hair that was poking out. he kept trying to convince us that staten island is where america really began. i've still never been.

we then went to mcswiggins, which is a bar i swore i'd name my puppy after if i ever got one. i opened up a tab for the first time in my life and kelly and i almost left but she noticed two guys checking us out.

a dick in a box, two complimentary blowjobs and several 80s songs later, we were in a cab headed to "the best pizza place in the world, i swear" which just happened to be by their place and just happened to be closed.

we ended up in the boys' adorable, victoria's secret decorated living room where their real christmas tree was still up. there was snuggling and sandwiches and i realized that i left my card at the bar.

our favorite part of the night was still leaving the place, standing out in the hallway with one of the roommates back in the dark living room dancing by himself in his boxers.

thursday i finally met up with chris subway, who actually has the same name as chris kline. he's a graphic artist who's worked for pretty much every one worth working for. he's 31, which threw me off because he looks about 24. we went around alphabet city, which i love and went to this ridiculous cafe where the bathroom has a grimy toilet filled with old computer monitors and towers stacked to the ceiling and covered in stickers and grafitti.

life is pretty cool.

julie, my nightmare

iliketohugtrees — Thu, 08 Feb 2007 17:36:00 GMT

i woke up this morning sobbing but they were dry sobs, until i was fully awake and realized that i had been dreaming. then, i really started to sob because i realized that even though i'd been having a nightmare, it was also my reality.

in my nightmare damien invited me over to watch a dvd with some friends. i was at his place (which, in my dream looked nothing like his other place). there were a few people over, but damien didn't sit and watch the movie with us. he was walking around, doing things. we didn't talk too much, but were civil, chipper, even. in the back of his living room there was a twin bed, like any good new york apartment, and i walked over to sit on it when i realized that the tossled sheets toward the foot of a bed were either lumpy or there was a very tiny girl laying at the foot of the bed. in my head i immediately thought it was julie. but it also really could have been just the shape of the sheets.

so i sat on the bed, and julie woke up. she and i started at each other and i think i just started screaming and throwing punches at her. i immediately became this destructive monster and started throwing heavy things at her. but she was calm. mature. i think she might have rolled her eyes, shielded her face and head with her hands and calmly walked over to damien in the other room as i continued to cry, scream and throw things at her.

i don't remember what damien said, but i'm sure it was along the lines of "stop." i followed her into what was either his or their room and ripped the door off the minifridge and flung it at her, i think.

and then, for some reason, i found a box of morton salt (which, ironically, i ran out of at my apartment yesterday and desperately need) and started pouring it on her, at which point she genuinely said "ow."

the next thing i remember is sitting on a couch in damien's apartment with some girl who looked like the red head i work with and she was comforting me, trying to get me to stop crying so that i could leave. before i left, i took with me two frames with rounded antique gold borders that had handfuls of pictures of julie arranged in them. i had smashed them. both frames had pictures of her in them, but there was one tiny picture of me in one.

i think i left and took the LIRR home.

i woke up, sobbing and couldn't stop, so i called shawn. i really need to get out of my apartment building, it's been over 60 hours. i love that my doctor's office is 10 floors down and that restaurants, pharmacies and grocery stores deliver, but i'm going to bundle up and go out. maybe i'll go watch the snowboarders in union square.

sublime strep week

iliketohugtrees — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 23:33:05 GMT

the HR guy at work called me to tell me he thinks i should take the rest of the week off and start anew next week. this, naturally, freaked me out. i feel so uncomfortable not working--like a purposeless bum. i'm so afraid that they're just going to write me off as a sickly texas girl who can't take the cold and that when i finally do get back to work, they won't take me.

but i talked to my boss and he wants me to call him this weekend to let him know how i'm doing. he's nice--they all are. i just really feel worthless without working.

last night catherine and i giggled for hours while watching sex and the city and friends. i couldn't sleep because i'd been sleeping all day, so i started listening to spanish music again and sent a teary text to alex. he really wants me to get into berkeley so i can move over there, and i do too. but most of me never wants to leave new york city.

i'm proud to say that i did not call damien at all yesterday. no e-mails, facebook, myspace--nothing. i did cry while listening to "labios compartidos," though. i wrote the lyrics on the envelope of a package i'd sent to him. he probably never read it. he probably never opened the package. he never even called me when he got it. so i sobbed and listened to the song on repeat and wondered at what point he just fell out of love with me. shawnie says i'll never know. a good journalist always finds these things out, sooner or later.

today i just watched catherine's sex and the city dvds. she's in california for a week at some extreme fitness thing and she dropped angel off, so i have the place to myself. naturally, i just put on my ipod and danced around when i had the energy, lit a bunch of candles. one episode quipped that women with multiple candles have become the new women with multiple cats. i don't care if it's true, i'll be the spinster with 50,000 godddamn candles. i keep one in the bathroom and turned off the light. at 5 p.m. it was already dark and the sun was setting. i turned off all of the lights and sat in my bathroom looking at a reflection of the sun setting--with a bloody red shade peeking out from that building whose name i haven't learned yet--with light from the candle dancing around. and i cried. because that's pretty much all i'm good at these days.

i love it when people prey on my sadness--that really renews my faith in humanity. i'm just going to ignore these opportunistic leeches that feed of any sort of happiness i may get. i don't care what kind of blackmail they have against me and i don't care about my former belief of never burning bridges. some bridges have to be burned. at least for a while.

why i'm a failure at life.

iliketohugtrees — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 01:45:22 GMT

yesterday was my first day at work. i was stoked--i've been waiting to start work for weeks. i get there and they immediately throw me out on a story, which was amazing! unfortunately, i was dressed to be indoors on that 0 degree day. i ended up out with a camerama, in the cold, covering a protest. when i got back, i couldn't function. my body was aching and i had the chills but was burning up. i couldn't function or focus. i ended up leaving two hours early, on my first day, and my boss had to finish my story.

what a horrible first impression.

i had to take today off too. last night i had a 102.5 fever but catherine bought me tylenol and that brought it down. this morning i woke up and my throat hurt so badly, so i went to look at it in the mirror and it was disgusting. clearly strep.

fortunately, my building rocks. i rode the elevator down to the 4th floor, in my pjs, and found a doctor who takes my insurance and got an appointment for 1 p.m. she's polish and gorgeous and so sweet. sometimes, all you need is a little compassion.

at least i never had to leave the building. but i can't go back to work tomorrow either. they probably think i'm a failure, too.

to make this day even worse, today would have been my two year anniversary with damien. i keep thinking about what we were doing a year ago today--fighting. his decision to spend 7 hours on a 3 minute radio show, our subway anniversary dinner because everything else was closed. and he didn't get me a present, and i got him one that he never used.

whatever, it's in the past.

i went on that date on friday with vijay. it was...short. we just had dinner and then he left to go clubbing with his boys. so i went out, too, with mitul--whom i absolutely adore. we had a blast at his ex-roommate's sister's birthday at a bar in east village that was, literally, right across the street from the creepy east village closet that i almost moved into.

we got drunker and went to alphabet city (which does NOT have colorful felt letters hanging out in the streets like my childish imagination led me to believe.) we went to some bar that had no name. mitul was a great time. at one point, out of the corner of my eye, i saw the most beautiful indian guy i have ever seen walk in wearing a suit and tie. longish hair. probably a mix. i started talking to him and the next thing i know, i'm in the middle of A street (maybe?) standing between mitul and sameer trying to decide who to hang out with. i finally went with sameer and we hung out all night. i love that he reads and cooks, i hate that he smokes. i love that he's blind without his glasses and that he has just as many allergy medications on his bedside table as me. we just kissed and talked all night. i fell asleep and woke up asking for pancakes in my half-awake state. in the morning, we just lazed about and i asked him questions. do you have any pets (parakeets, like me!) how do you feel about your family? do you like radiohead? the royal tenenbaums? when's the last time you cried? do you believe in god? he thought my questions were cute and "had to go to work." i doubt he'll ever call.

that night i stayed in with catherine and we roasted chicken (she left some of the plastic on when she put it in the oven...) we watched breakfast at tiffany's and bonded. it's amazing that two women, exactly 30 years apart, can have so much in common.

you don't find the man of your dreams in bars, do you? you probably don't find him on public transportation at 11 p.m. either.

reagardless, on superbowl sunday i skipped my improv class and went to jersey to watch superbowl commercials with the kellys and lorna. on the njt i sat next to haralabos because he was ridiculously good looking. we started talking about this or that and i realized he had an accent. greek. 25. lives with his brother in morris plains, jersey. works for pharmaceutical company, does research on listerine. smokes a pack a day (down from 2 packs when he was in greece). plays that crazy string instrument that pavlos used to play for me in the residencia. i was so pissed at myself for not wearing makeup and going out in my sweats. but i somehow struck his fancy and he asked me for my number anyway.

these are the small things that get me through my day. i can't wait to go back to work. i hope they don't hate me.

Happiness is a gift and the trick is not to expect it, but to delight in it when it comes.

iliketohugtrees — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 06:14:53 GMT

"I feel you know what it's like to be without happiness... but do you know what it's like to be afraid of it? To see the world as so conniving, you cannot take pleasure in the appareance of something good... because you suspect... it is only a painted drop behind which other troubles lie. That has been my life. Every good thing has been a trick. Until you." -madeline, nicholas nickleby

i feel at peace. happy, even. i'm still at my uncle's place and i feel like i'm healing from something--what it is, i don't know. it's not damien, i fear i'll never heal from that. right now i don't feel angry and bitter, but abandoned and hopless. having my aunt, uncle and kneel around is a beautiful safety net, it's almost like my family away from home.

we sit around all day drinking tea and eating chewda while kneel is at work. today we cooked cabbage bhaji, punjabi dhaal and puris. then we watched nicholas nickleby and kneel and i played pool and i lost seven times. tomorrow, we're going to lay some tracks down of me singing and whistling. i want to find my own nicholas nickleby.

my uncle meditates for two hours a day and sometimes we'll talk about investing money or look at pictures of places he'll never get to see, even though he has more money than every body i know combined. it breaks my heart. it breaks my heart to see him looking through his my photos profile at photos of italian port cities that aren't his, that couldn't be his because he's too sick to fly in a plane, ride on a train or catch a boat. he edits other's photos, stitches different views together to create magnificent panoramic views of a city, but it's not the same. "it's just like i was there," he'll say. i break a little inside, and realize how bloody lucky i am that i have my health, my youth, my life.

the man has tens of millions of dollars in the bank and he doesn't have a security system on the house. he is one of the most amazing men i know. he's convinced me that, maybe, just maybe, marrying an american-raised indian guy is what's best for me. so i'm going on a date with this guy, vijay on thursday.

my aunt has declared me her "daughter for the week" and we went shopping today. it's so sweet how she looks on adoringly as i try on clothes. i bought some work clothes and two books that i cannot wait to read: lipstick jihad and reading lolita in tehran.

god i wish i could talk to damien. i wish i could talk to him, i wish i could sit next to him on the bed, our bed? no, not our bed. he's gone, sonia. there is someone better.

nice things from nice boys floated my way today:

chris, the boy who asked me out on the subway, called.

alex m called from california to tell me he misses me. he also wrote me this message a few days ago, that i responded to with a drunk call:

first off, i miss u like crazy dear...no more post-it notes on my door when i get home from class...but hows life in nyc?? im sure you've already begun charming the execs at the AP...any sex for promotion deals yet?? life is too fun back in ca...back to the fraternity life...and what a rough one it is. my earliest class is at noon, and i dont think ive seen a cloud since i got back...so ive been spending a lot of time playing tennis, running, etc. any word from berkeley?? hope all is well...peace....and by peace i seriously mean peace.

god, i miss him. the more i think about it, he might have been part of the reason i lost damien, but it was worth it to lose a lover for a new friend. and to think that alex was anything more than a friend (other than a soul mate) would be absurd. i cherish us because we were so pure at heart. but i'll never tell him that, because then he'll laugh at me and call me a sap. but...he made me love life again and forced me to see that my own happiness is in my own hands.

javi/alex isn't coming this weekend, which is sad. but that also means that i don't need to shave my legs in case he wanted to snuggle and that i can walk around the city and take pictures and go to the met.

alfie said: You're so pretty. I hope you're having fun, if I don't talk to you before you start, good luck with the new gig!

hope you're enjoying NY!

shawnie said: Saw your photo slideshow on myspace.
You look so, so cute.

and i talked to vijay on the phone and he seems sweet--fun, even.

i have all these great friends in my life, why do i feel so fucking n u m b?

it's snowing. i don't want to go back to new york. i want to die here, with my aunt's banana bread in my mouth in this happy state. new york is going to kick my ass. at least i have my work. my biggest fear in life right now is one day running into damien and julie, even though she lives in LA. seeing them happy. feeling inadequate. i wish my girlfriends were here. i feel as though even if i brought every single person, living and dead, close to me for a group hug, i'd still feel dead inside.

i got my period; no swedish children, thank god.

chicken curry for the soul

iliketohugtrees — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 04:36:52 GMT

i'm in worcester, massachusetts, hanging out with my aunt and uncle for a few days. i'm deathly sick and feel horrible because my uncle has a pacemaker and bad health in general. i hope i don't get him sick. thank god they have a humidifier, which is my new savior up here in the northeast, where heating units dry up my air and make me miserable.

i arrived at 2:30 p.m. today, a complete mess. i cried throughout half of the bus ride here because i was reading on the road and this picture i took of damien fell out. i wanted to rip it up, i really did and i tried. but how the hell do you rip up a picture of a person you loved for two years? the bus company is called peter pan, owned by greyhound, and all the buses are ridiculously decorated with bright greens and purples and awful representations of the characters of peter pan. it's more than mildly hilarious.

but being here is great. kneel, my cousin, will come stay here and commute to work starting tomorrow. his name isn't actually spelled like that. i texted him to take me ice fishing, because i saw people doing it on the bus ride here. he told me that i was being ridiculous, and that we're not in alaska.

it feels good to be here. it's not that i needed a vacation from the city already. i needed a vacation from my loneliness. it feels so nice to have a family. tomorrow, my uncle is making me chicken curry and lamb curry and he's going to freeze me some to take back to new york. those frozen blocks of curry will be the only reminders i have of love in that cold, cement ridden city. we might head out to their house on the cape later this week.

daniel sent me three texts from the airport last night:

hi sonia i'm at the airport and am really sad that my holiday has come to an end. it was brilliant spending time with you and i think your [sic]// a very bright and funny girl. good luck with work and make sure you meet up with luke and nigel, there [sic] great lads and i know you'll all have fun. just make sure you //don't have to [sic] much fun without me :) i'll email you soon xxx

i'll truly miss him. but it's time to make new friends, who aren't just travelling around the country aimlessly. i decided to move on, forget about him and erik. i'd been doing well, not thinking too much about the latter. and then i checked my e-mail today to find one from erik.

Hey Sonia!

Hows things? Im right now in Khaolak in Thailand, really nice to get back to
the heat. I hope everything worked out with the appartement and that the old
lady and that she treats you good.
Kinda miss you here and I hope I wasnt to rude or impolite against you dear.
Still feel alittle bit bad for some of the things.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Hugs and kisses Erik The Swede!

i love his broken english. i love the fact that i don't think he realizes how much i've been agonizing over our "little accident" and how much it could fuck me over in the end.

i'm moving on. i won't respond to his email until i know for sure that there won't be a little half indian, half swedish child running around my life.

i have MY FIRST DATE on thursday night! indian guy. don't ask. i'm giving them another try...

personal magnetism 101

iliketohugtrees — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 04:06:45 GMT

i decided to help catherine out and attend her "personal magnetism 101" seminar.
she desperately needed another woman, so i said i'd help out. it's how she pays the rent...
from 10 a.m. - 1 p.m. it was me, gene--a tall, positive late 30s to mid-40s businesswoman with short hair and lenora, catherine's friend from when they used to teach image seminars to business people. people actually paid $250 for this--i really thought it was ridiculous, but later i learned it's not if you're older and single and rusty.

i grabbed lunch with daniel who has been trying to bang me since he walked in on me and erik. today was his last day in america, so we went to our dumpling house in chinatown and brought two australian guys. actually, they brought us in their rental car filled with luggage and i had to squeeze onto daniel's lap and he had a huge erection the whole time, which, would have been sweet if he wasn't pressing it into me, ever so creepily. why do i always get myself in these ridiculous situations?

we ate, daniel bought more ridiculously fake ed hardy apparel and i had to duck out early because i'm really getting quite sick. it was so, so sad to say goodbye to him. i fucking hate goodbyes, and i hate how all of my friends are from different generations of the hostel (generations in a hostel go by weeks, my friend.) i was so sad. he really is my only friend that i haven't dated (besides neil).

the night before, the kellys, chelsea and i went to the silk rose on amsterdam and 81st, where they serve you endless amounts of cheap white wine for free while you wait. kelly k shoved my leftovers into her huge purse while we hopped from george kelley's bar to crossroads (where a drunk kelly m and a drunker me requested creedence clearwater revival and cake on the digital jukebox and the bartender shook his heads at us). daniel and the aussies met us at jake's dilemma, where kelly k fell asleep, chelsea mesmerized one of the aussies, daniel rubbed me all over and kelly m and i snuck into the bathroom to chug some amaretto drink that we bought for ourselves but were too embarassed to admit. maybe we went there to pee, i don't remember--i went there to drink.

anyway, that was last night. but today, after i said goodbye to daniel and his ever-present erection, i hopped on the subway. i was thinking about what catherine "taught us" in class. make eye contact and smile. make eye contact when you talk. these things i already did and knew and was glad i didn't pay $250 to learn them, but at the same time she inspired me to strike up a conversation with a skinny white boy with a half-assed beard who was lugging around a slab of plexiglass. i could tell he was looking at me while we were waiting for the 1.

"what are you making?"

we started talking. he's from brooklyn. he does something with dvds, some design thing, i don't remember. but he was sweet and nervous. then, out of the blue, he says "so, um, would you maybe like to hang out sometime? i could call you and we could get coffee." i smiled and gave it to him. i actually can't wait. i really have no friends and am dying to get to know new people.

it's weird, though, because you have to realize we were talking in a car full of about 50 people. so when he left for his stop and i sat down, i struck up a conversation with tourists and they recalled bits of the conversation i'd had with chris. everybody was listening. now i understand why guys never ask for your number on a train--because they have to do it in front of so many people!

i came home and the guys were having their session with catherine. she really is absolutely beautiful. she must be 50, but god, so gorgeous. the guys left, late, and she and i hurriedly got ready to meet the rest of the class in this bar. she kept thanking me for doing this favor for her. but it was all very interesting.

we get to the bar, which is where the men and women meet to practice their magnetism on each other. i order a cosmo and gorge on chips and salsa. i immediately hit it off with joe, the odd, late-30s, early 40s film editing professor from hunter college. no one likes him in the group because he's late, wears all black and doesn't seem sociable. but he is. he's absolutely precious and i slightly fall for him as we talk about editing and convergence. then there's the 60 something PR guy who considered his time editing trade magazines a "brief forray into journalism." i make plans to freelance edit for him, because, hey i need to make money for improv classes. he's sweet, but spits a lot when he talks. i tell him this sweetly, because i want him to know. i keep trying to get out of the bar, he keeps conversing. at one point he asks me if i know of any good indian places here and says "maybe one day we can go get some indian food together."

NO! no. i'm 21, he's gotta be in his mid 60s. at this point i'm so disturbed that i quickly exit and come home. i talk to ravi on the phone and promise to try to convince my parents to let him hang out with people. big sister work is hard to do.

at some point catherine and i start talking about sex and how we do it too quickly in relationships. immediately barriers are broken in our relationship and we become friends. i tell her about my Plan B experience and how i think i might have an ectopic pregnancy. she looks at me wide-eyed and says, "honey, if you need me to go with you to the doctors, i will."

immediately i realize, i have a friend.

more emotional garbage because it's 3:16 p.m. and i still haven't left my apartment

iliketohugtrees — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 20:19:55 GMT

i'm listening to david gray's "be mine" and i was working out in my tiny room, but now i'm just crying. because i'm pathetic and haven't left my room. i am so lonely.

they played this song at kendra and jacob's wedding and damien put it on a cd for our 5 month anniversary, way back when he did a better job of pretending to give a damn. why won't anyone ever fall intoxicatingly in love with me like i do with them?

i need to get out of the house but it's too cold to run in the park without my headband that's somewhere between the post office and my apartment mailboxes.

ice cream for brunch

iliketohugtrees — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 16:58:48 GMT

i just realized that i've been sitting here with this $9 tub of slow-churned rocky road ice cream, eating away at the marshmellows and surrounding ice cream. i don't even want to talk about how much i ate. i didn't even realize i was doing this...

i think i'm depressed. i could pretty much cry at any given moment of the day (which is great because i have a crying audition on saturday). i have no friends. and the friends i do have take note that i'm really bitter about damien.

my life is casi perfect right now; why am i so miserable? it's not that i want him back--hell no. i'm so hurt. so hurt that someone who was my friend could just drop me so quickly and completely stop talking to me. i'm not even talking about after the break up, i'm talking about when i went to europe and he just...never called, never "had time to talk."

why do i still care about this? maybe i need therapy. maybe i need to watch some good chick flicks. maybe i need to go run in the park. i think i'll do that.

there are so many BEAUTIFUL men in nyc. smart, gorgeous, existent sex drives.

do you know that i can't even read the village voice because i know he worked there? even though he doesn't work there any more. i talked to mr. wegener on the phone for about three hours the other day. we talked about spain, work, etc. i told him that damien broke up with me. he said: "gosh, i wish you'd told me that a week earlier--i just gave him one of my money-back guarantee recommendations for some financial reporting job. if i'd known that he'd done that to you, i wouldn't have done that."

i had a dream sometime this morning, around 8 or 9. in it i got in a nasty girl fight with some girl...probably one relating to him. and even though i scratched her and bloodied her up, i left the scene crying because something was still throbbing inside me. some boiling source of violence due to pain. then i found myself in that crazy modern baptist church lauren took me to and my tears went away. the crazy amanda girl was there, with her 90s style blossom hat and her gel pens to take notes on the sermon. she was so excited to see me, but not surprised. i sat down on the benches next to her and lauren appeared and we prayed together and i cried but i felt better.

maybe this means i need jesus? maybe this means i just need to be more spiritual. i just can't wait to start work, find a gym, and make friends.

i'm going to do it, goddammit. i'm going to use this slap in the face from damien to fuel me forward, because that's what i fucking do. i'm going to look hot, be successful and be happy. i am going to get into columbia, and if i don't i'm going to find an amazing on air job and start my life anew.

and i'm going to have great sex again, with one constant man. the kind of sex where i don't sob afterwards because it makes me feel empty. the kind of sex that's sweet, warm and early in the morning, like kelly's breakfasts. he will be wonderful, he will be my friend. but he will not be my world.

i will not make a man my world again, not for a long time.

13th floor

iliketohugtrees — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 16:20:14 GMT

i had dinner with mitul the other day--remember him? first boyfriend, 10th grade, first kiss, first and last indian guy i will ever date.
yeah, i hadn't seen him in about five years. he's one of the three exes of mine who lives in brooklyn. we had a great time, actually, and it's fun to see how far we've come from making out on the football fields in high school.
now he's waiting to hear from law schools and is working at an entertainment law firm. he actually gets to deal with licensing rights for the song "monster mash," which is awesome.

while coming back from that, i hesitated before getting on the elevator at my building and an old man who was already on board yelled at me, "JUST GET ON!" so i walked on, a little scared and didn't say anything. i hit the 14th floor button (i'm 14f). there was awkward silence, and then the man chuckled and said, "do you know what floor the 14th floor really is?" i didn't respond. "THE 13th FLOOR ::maniacal laughter::" i was frightened. less because of him and more because i can't believe i didn't realize that. i'm so superstitious and usually see these things right away.

while eating dinner with mitul i told him about that and he said that usually buildings don't have a 13th floor (which, my building doesn't) because something happened. which...can't be true. so now i'm scared.

i took the columbia entrance exam and bombed it. but i did run into neil while i was there. i met him at SAJA this summer, he's been interning for esquire for the past semester.

he told me that the building i stare at every night, the one with the room lights that blink in a pattern, is the hearst building where magazines such as esquire are housed.

random NYC things

iliketohugtrees — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 06:59:00 GMT

random nyc things:

-men here are v. vocal, and it's sweet but possibly insignificant. you/i can walk down the street and men will just click their tongues and say "mmm, beautiful," "daaamn," or something to that effect.

-dumpster digging is completely acceptable in my current state. catherine, my roomie, does it too. in fact, her v. chic apartment has about 40% of its decorative items with trash can origins.

-i dug for magazines and came across a collection of new yorkers, GQs, esquires and real simples. all from the same guy, hispanic, yale alum (i saw the yale alumni magazine with his name on it) and a key to a ritz carlton. he lives in 7A. so every time i go up, i always hit 7 if i'm alone on the off chance that i'd get to see him. last time, his door was open a crack. who knows, he's probably 50, fat and an asshole.

-the tallest building that's the closest to me has this weird thing that it does with its lights at night. it seems like they blink in a pattern, but i can't tell what it is and i keep meaning to walk to central park at night so i can see it.

-i know i should close my blinds when i change, but it's such a hassle and i feel like if i don't look at others, they won't look at me. much like when i was 3 and would play hide-and-go-seek with my dad by covering my eyes.

blueberry pancakes in lieu of boys

iliketohugtrees — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 06:36:36 GMT

i went to jersey to go grocery shopping, because things are so damn expensive in manhattan. is saving $15 or so worth it if you have to lug it back? i think so. i have absolutely no money left and my mother keeps calling me to berate me for the money i spent in europe.

kelly k picked me up and we worked out and went grocery/target shopping. i, of course, lost my list as i was pulling a cart out. she made me dinner and we went to this bar, cryan's, in south orange. no boys spoke to us, and it was great, but i found myself strangely attracted to a man because of his air guitar skills.

then, this morning, she, kelly m and lorna made a ridiculous breakfast--their sunday morning ritual. blueberry and strawberry pancakes, bacon, eggs. we stuffed ourselves and laid comatose for a while.

see, kelly m hasn't gotten any in a while, kelly k says. instead, she takes her frustrations out with baking. sometimes she'll come home to batches of baked goods.

i might do that. i don't fare well without sex and my vibrator just makes me weep because i realize how alone i am. i actually texted damien to tell him i missed texas. i don't miss him, though, just the idea of having a constant person who was always there that you didn't have to play games with. but i'll never miss someone who never loved me.

i've just spent the past hour or so looking at julie's myspace pictures. wondering why he chose her. i'm being ridiculous and should instead go walk outside and revel in this beautiful city that i now live in.

now shawn and alex are mad at me. erik will never call or e-mail me. my mother thinks i'm a waste of life. all i have are the beautiful and perfect blueberry pancakes i had for breakfast, and the junior bacon cheeseburger and small frostie that have been courting my stomach.

a new york city life: plan b

iliketohugtrees — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 17:21:23 GMT

i moved in a few days ago. 14th floor, luxury building. doormen. very warm, cozy. my roommate doesn't like it when i come in late, which is after midnight/11...so that's tough.

a lot's been happening. i can't even...i hooked up with erik. he was so sweet, so deliciously swedish. it started out after that awful night seeing damien, i climbed into bed with erik. then we hooked up. over and over again. everywhere. and then we had an accident. i was all caught up in his 6'1 football player body, his emo hair, his skin that was darker than mine from spending three months in the caribbean islands, his professional knowledge of massage. then at 4 a.m. on the day he was supposed to leave at 5 a.m., we had an accident. he held me and said he was sorry and had to leave with linus. so i was left to deal with our accident by myself.

but there was this other bloke, a british one, in the hostel who stuck with me after that. we'd all hung out together, but after the swedes left it was just me and daniel. 28-year-old, owns his own painting business in manchester, arms are completely covered in tattoos, has been partying every night for 6 weeks straight in america. he went with me to duane reade to get the pill. it was horrible, no privacy, a woman stared and shook her head.

i got really sick, but daniel was sweet and supported me. we've been hanging out every day and i realize that he wants me but i just can't deal with it. i miss erik, i'm so traumatized. we've been going to china town a lot to buy things. having dinner and tea (lunch and dinner, to americans). gareth, the gayest man i've ever met tagged along, too.

last night we went to posh, a gay bar in 51st, to help gareth get some. here i realized how belligerently homophobic daniel is. he's been coming onto me the whole week, telling me how fit i was. then he got wasted and made me kiss him so some gay men would get off his tail. i started talking to this man who was reading a magazine at a bar. former executive producer for SNL. current executive producer for some really cool shows. big shot. so nice.

and then daniel pulled me aside to tell me, look, i know you're still hung up on erik, but i really fancy ya. you're fit, you're bubbly as hell and you ooze sex. i wish i'd only come sooner so i could have gotten to you before 'im.

too much drama for one week. moving in. swedish sex. emergency contraceptives. british blokes and their confessions.

and now, lupita, damien's aunt, hates me because i forgot to call her back.

this is too much.

awkward turtle does nyc

iliketohugtrees — Mon, 15 Jan 2007 18:47:10 GMT

last night i saw damien for the first time in 5 months. we only broke up a month ago, but there was that gap while i was in europe...
he says he gained weight and got a little colder.
we went to his aunt lupita's. he drove to drop off his truck and i went along for the ride. at first, when we were deciding when i was going to come over, he yelled at me and made me feel horrible.
i'm so glad i don't have to deal with him again.
unbeknownst to me, lupita had grand plans to make us go salsa dancing that night. i love salsa dancing, but damien doesn't dance so i didn't and stayed back against walls with him. he barely spoke, but it was OK.

i know how to make moments not awkward, but it takes energy. i think i did an OK job of keeping the conversation flowing. i was exhausted from seeing apartments all day (btw, i think i'm moving in with a 50 year-old-lady in columbus circle, not the israeli girl and gay guy in chelsea).

it was fine, until we were sitting in his car and julie called. then, i just wanted to kill myself.

jarrod was in my bed so i slept with erick the swede. it was magical.

spooning ben and jerry in new york city

iliketohugtrees — Sat, 13 Jan 2007 19:40:50 GMT

ok, i'm not actually spooning guys, i'm spooning with a pint of ben and jerry's new york superfudge that someone left in our hostel room with a sign that says "please eat me." i'm at the swiss 1291 hostel (which, i HIGHLY recommend). i'm in my pjs on this lap top that this guy who's in the city for the weekend from west point let me borrow so that i could apartment hunt. for the past few hours, this gay asian cornell grad student has been helping me find a place (he interned for the new york city housing authority last summer--he knows his shit.) we've narrowed my neighborhoods down to chelsea and hell's kitchen. i just want to live in a place with the word "hell" in the name. i'm doing great right now, listening to songs on my phone, watching cop cars siren by my window in columbus circle.

but last night i was a mess. i was so sad to be leaving texas--be leaving my old life--so quickly with no one in my family to say goodbye to me.

that's why i decided to throw myself a going away party. i thought it would go until 2 a.m.--someone was coming to pick me up and take me to the airport at 5 a.m. but 4 a.m. rolled around and the two last people from my sausagefest of a party were just leaving. i didn't shower. my bags were barely packed.

but i made it to NYC and was so scared and lonely...i even called damien. he didn't answer. the only people who made me feel better were alfie who had JUST landed in san jose, calif. right when i landed in newark, and damien's aunt, lupita.

but this week has been nuts. i went on a date with shawn. he picked me up and took me to a sad movie and we held hands and i bawled because he held my hands like damien used to--firmly running his fingertips against the tips of my nails. we kissed and i liked it--i liked him, but he really freaks me out with this foot fetish of his. to reiterate, shawn's the guy who's been living in bangkok for the past year and a half, that i met in 6th grade when he judged me at a speech tournament. i was in love with him (and about three dozen other guys) throughout middle school, and on thursday as we layed in my bed looking through my diary, i found a page where i'd posted a computer printout photo of him. i've warmed up to him and his obsession with feet, but i'm already on the other side of the country from him and he's either moving to india or LA. i can't believe i was with someone that i was in love with in 6th grade...

at some point in between there, i also had a tea party with lauren and liz. it was nuts. we dressed up in ridiculous clothes and hats and lauren's mom even joined us. we ate her mom's sandwiches and tea and had amazing cupcakes. and we just laughed--it was a jolly good time. i love her, i would be an empty shell of a woman right now if it wasn't for her.

my dad's in las vegas and my mom's in india, so thursday night i dropped ravi off at a friend's house and was so sad (which is why i'm glad i had that party). i was so sad, i really love that kid a lot. it was so fun just hanging out with him and us being the only ones in the house. he's the best little brother any one could have ever asked for...we text message each other all the time now, it's great.

ugh, i miss him so much. back to hunting for apartments.

self medicating with your music

iliketohugtrees — Sun, 07 Jan 2007 10:20:22 GMT

why am i so blessed to have such amazing friends?

friday i woke up, didn't get out of bed. i cried so much i had to drink three nalgenes of water just to remain dehydrated.
i was still wearing the same pjs since new year's day.
i finally dragged myself out of bed and watercolored on the backs of some of my old AP article printouts. it was the only thing that made me feel OK.
i watercolored octupuses, flowers, eyes, skinny blond girls...
i watercolored a painting with red letters on it and mailed it to damien, which, in retrospect seems really creepy. but i was messed up on heartbreak.

kelly b came over and rescued me. she drove from dallas and when she showed up she said, "i thought i told you i wanted you out of those pjs by the time i got here."
we sat around talking drinking frozen strawberry daquiris at chilis. i truly love her.

then ricky and vivek took me out. i didn't know we were going clubbing. they were wearing blazers, i was wearing a t-shirt and jeans and my face hadn't been washed and still had layers of tear dust on it.
the club revolted me. the men revolted me. i just loved dancing with my boys. i drank coke. my dad yelled at me for coming home at 3:30 a.m. said it was "high risk behavior."

saturday, lunch with lauren l. we went to the soccer-mom-filled celebrity cafe and talked about spain and her spanish boyfriend that she's still seeing. she's moving to buenos aires in march and i'm visiting her. she's so beautiful and full of life. we went next door to look at wine, ended up wine tasting for a long time, bought a bottle of argentinian wine and talked about jesus. i decided to go with her to church. we went to this church she likes called the village. she doesn't like most churches, she's a house church girl. it's new age, modern art on the walls, a praise band. great minister--i mean really great. hilfuckingarious. i laughed, i cried. i sang. i didn't wave my hands around the hair but watched others ridiculousness with sweet envy. i still have mixed feelings about christianity, but cried at the service because i needed it. we had dinner. i met her parents.

and then there's jordan. nothing will ever compare to his influence in my life. if i ever make a movie, he's going to be my music man. he has slowly, little by little, created the soundtrack to my life. he made me an FTA cd (forget that asshole, or maybe fuck that asshole? i forget). it's beautiful. all of his cds are beautiful.

him: ::gives you a hug::
me: ::holds you a little too long, you start to think it's awkward::
him: ::doesn't::

and lauren c and i are having breakdowns at the same time. we both want to die. we both want to sneak out of our houses and get breakfast and just cry. it's 4 a.m. i think we're both being driven insane by our sadness.

and then there's shawn. dear, sweet shawn who i've unintentionally ignored all break.

and ravi. he's in his room, next to mine and we're imming each other the lyrics to "dick in a box" which might be the only thing in the world that helps me stop crying.

between gwen's eurotrash cd, jordan's cds, and "musica de la calle" from tyler i have my music everywhere. car, shower, bed, computer, dinner. i'm like a song popper.

"there's no way you can compete with the past."

iliketohugtrees — Fri, 05 Jan 2007 10:03:28 GMT

i finally broke down and called damien. i'd been watching brokeback mountain and called him, bawling, because the movie was so sad. it also made me think of him.

we talked for hours. it was civil. i always start out my interviews like that. meaty questions, but civil. you get to know the source first, you get on their side. and then you slip the real questions to them on a covered platter.

me: why did you finally break up with me? is there another girl?
him: do you really want to know?

then he started up the same speech he'd given me this summer when he broke up with me the second or third time. he was with julie in LA. he loved her. they had an understanding that they would never compromise their dreams. he dreamt of coming back to A&M and left her in LA. she didn't throw a fit about it because...she's not like other girls. he met me. he "fell in love." somewhere in there he realized julie was still the one. and always would be.

spectacular quotes from the interview:

"the whole time we've been together i've always tried to tell you..."

"from the time you met me, there was always julie."

"i was already in love before i met you."

"i'm no good for any body else. if she and i don't end up back together, then woe for anybody else. i'm always going to be this way."

basically, the man i've been in love with for the past two years has been in love with his ex-girlfriend the whole time. that means, everytime he'd talk to her on the phone and i'd freak out and he'd tell me i was being paranoid, i wasn't. and the time i found out that the picture of me he had sitting in a frame next to his computer had a picture of julie in it right behind mine...i had a reason to freak out.

everything that happened in the past two years was marred, almost a sham, even. i hate her and don't even know her. i want to rip out the stupid, ugly blond hair from her skinny body. because she had him all along. all i had was an empty vessel.

this is even worse than when stephen left me for ellen. i just want to die. i just want to down this entire bottle of painkillers that i have. i just want to sleep and drift off to a fluffy place where no one can hurt me any more.

i bawled when i dropped my mom off at the airport. she's in frankfurt right now, en route to india. i cried because when i move to new york city next week, she won't be there. i don't know when i'll see her again. and she, my dad and ravi are the only people that love me. the woman would give me her leg if i needed it. i haven't found any one like that.

lucky for FUCKING JULIE SHE HAS. i hope she never gets an acting career. i'm applying to USC now. and if i get into grad school there, i'm going. and i'm going to do what she's doing until i make it in the movies just to show her up. because i know i probably could if i worked hard enough. and then I COULD HAVE SOMETHING SHE COULDN'T.

yeah, there are some men out there that really love their mates. like lauren's dad. her mom has to go do a breast exam tomorrow (she is in remission from a horrible case of breast cancer). so her dad was looking through her mother's medical records tonight with tears in his eyes.

because he cares.

there's no way i can compete with the past....

circular year

iliketohugtrees — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 06:49:31 GMT

while frantically finishing my columbia application (it's done now) i was rifling through my israel papers trying to find some information for my thesis quasi-proposal. i came across a copy of haaretz an israeli paper, that one of the journalists i'd met had written a page oner for. i continued to work on the paper, using the newspaper for a bit, and as i was putting it aside, i saw the date. january 3, 2006. exactly one year ago.

right now i'm helping my mom pack for india. yes... india. she just suddenly decided, today that she was going to go tomorrow. my uncle is dying and his daughter is getting married on saturday. my mom will get there on the wedding day. she's nuts, but i convinced her to do it. she needs to be more gutsy. i wish i was going.

and i'm perplexed by matthais's emails. first of all, because he breaks off into french. and also because he is so into me and i don't know why. he says that he wants to leave rome to come to the u.s. to be with me:

I want to see you so much. I m thinking about leaving everything here to come to see you in us. I think that I really have to do that. I have never been like that with a girl and you are so... I have to see you again. really.

the best part of it all is...we never kissed. never held hands. never said we liked each other. we were just being friends and hanging out. i mean, yeah, i burst into tears in front of him like three times, but other than that it was just normal friend stuff.

french things that i can't understand:
-coucou
-this: gros bisous et apprend le francais pour quand je viendrai. gros bisous et t en fait pas pour ton copain tu trouvera quelqu un de mieux j en sur sur. tu est une fille genial et tu merite vraiment quelqu un de bien.

i got some of that paragraph...just not everything.

emptiness is haunting me

iliketohugtrees — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 01:47:23 GMT

in the middle of columbia apps. have TWO hours left to write two more essays. i'm fucked. and yet, i can't stop bursting into tears over the fact that damien took off photos of me from his myspace slideshow, but left photos of julie.

can't stop crying. can't get out of my pjs. can't wash my hair.

but sometimes i'll think of salamanca and all of my spanish and american friends and that sadness overshadows the sadness he's given me. and it feels good.

but right now, it's all him. how did he fall out of love with me? is there someone else? did he leave me for her? did i do something wrong? did he move to NYC to get away from me?

i've been wanting answers to all these questions. i keep writing him e-mails that i just draft and never send. because this is what the new me does. because there's no point in emailing him, i'm just going to learn something hurtful.

the irony of all of this, is the one person who can actually say things that heal me is stephen. he's the only one.

there's lauren, too. she's actually the reason i finally decided to end things with damien (i still maintain he dumped me, i just ALLOWED him to do it this time). i called her, freaking out about the photos and five minutes later, we're planning a tea party and i'm so excited. white gloves, floral print with shoulder pads, petit fours (or something). and i'm fine again.

my life is like a sunset right now. beautiful and painful and changing with the blink of an eye.

life is a sunset:
so painfully beautiful...
but gone in a blink.

missing europe

iliketohugtrees — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 08:50:14 GMT

one of the last of us americans to come home just did. he just posted his pictures of salamanca, portugal...

i'm dry-heave crying. no tears. so much pain and sadness.
how beautiful were those four months?
how are we so lucky that we got to do these things?
will we ever get to go back to those exact spots? will it be the same?

i am so, so thankful for salamanca. for all the coincidences that occurred to make my experience happen the way it did. even if it meant losing damien, my best friend, i really feel like... it was worth it.

i've been wearing my universidad de salamanca shirt for a week non-stop.

kitchen sink: new years, tears, livejournal backreading

iliketohugtrees — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 08:18:41 GMT

too much going on. in the middle of columbia apps. no way near done, they're due in less than 24 hours.

-i've been having such an amazing time going through my livejournal entries from 2002-2004. the golden years, when i felt like i could still be honest, i was much more dramatic and was still a virgin. the best entries are in december 2003 and january 2004. it's when i was dating stephen, robert sent me that awful letter about me being a whore virgin, and when jennifer was murdered.

-i also came across an entry that explains why i am attracted to asshole boyfriends like stephen and damien (i thought the latter wasn't an asshole when we started; now i realize he had all the signs all along):
but there's something about [stephen] that i just appreciate. he's not like kyle. kyle would spoil me--he'd slather me in affection and attention and never made me pay for anything and always took the blame, always let me be right. but with stephen it's like i have to earn the right to be heard. he doesn't pay for everything, he's not sappy. i was actually thrown aback when he whispered 'i miss you' at the end of a few phone calls. it didn't seem like him?

-new year's eve was the BEST EVER. sure, i wasn't in jerusalem, like last year, or india, like the year before...but i was with some of my best friends. i was the designated driver for ricky and vivek (jacko came too but he doesn't drink, which i love). i did make a touch of calimocho at this one party, and i had people try it (they thought i was strange) and they LOVED it and i was so happy to bring a bit of spain to plano.

-i wrote this P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C e-mail to damien in reponse to the fact that he didn't respond to my 3 a.m. "happy new year's, stoops!" text message. he's so smart and cold. i'm glad shawn or someone convinced me not to send it. it's sitting in my drafts folder.

-megha came in from atlanta. we just click whenever we see each other. love her, love her, lover her.

-woke up on new year's day crying thinking of damien, missing his body, his kisses, his baby talk. us. i was so horny for what i thought was him. then i realized, i just want a constant man again. but this time, i'm not going to jump into a relationship.

-i've had to stop wearing eye liner because i cry too much, too randomly.

-started carrying a camera in car at all times to document the sometimes amazing sunsets we've been having lately. i chased one down today, parked by some powerlines and cried, it was so beautiful. the epitome of sublime.

-matthais, french guy who worked at the hostel in rome, sent me the sweetest e-mail. i think broken english is so fucking adorable, especially in print:
coucou

how are you? I m fine.
back from napoli. I had a good time there ( but I m sure that it could be better if you was here)
This town is very nice. the wether was brillant too, sunny and hot...
[...]
you re mail make me feel good. I was sad too to not spend your last day with you but i m sur that we will have other opportunities. I this so strange. I don t know how to explan in english but I really miss you.

take care and see you soon.

gros bisous et a bientot

i don't know what the french parts mean, but i love them.

-ivar (the man from rotterdam) also sent me an e-mail. also with cute broken english:
Hi Sonia!

The party was great and the view on the city with all the fireworks amazing! You being here Sonia....it would be like a dream! Dance, sing, drink and enjoy it all!

[...] still can't believe you will really start a life in New York......i am proud to tell friends I know somebody from there hahahahaha. By the way, I showed the pictures of you with Fleur to friends as well and they all said Fleur looks amazing...........just like youn they said! :-) And...... honestly I think they are right he!!!! :-)

How is it at home? Was it all a bit ok? And was your brother ok too with you being away so long? I know we only talked short about it, but it goes through my mind sometimes and I hope the feeling coming hope was a happy feeling. Just know someone you hardly know thinks about you.

Miss you, kiss!

Ivar
god, he is the sweetest man i have ever met in my life. i miss his overwhelming smile.

new year's resolutions
1) get over damien
2) perform again
3) cook at least three times a week (kitchen permitting)
4) get back in shape (i'm not going to say lose weight, that's silly and also implied)

so my game plan in NYC: fly there next week. stay in a hostel or with random friend but i really dont want to ask anybody up there for favors...find a place. sign it. dad might come up. settle in. start job. learn to cook. get a gym. and...

i've decided to audition for an improv comedy troupe again!

i think this would make my life more complete. or sketch comedy. i just...want to perform again. and maybe i can meet people this way. people that aren't damien, so help me god if i ever call him.

my other goal is also to forget his phone number. yeah, that'll happen. i still remember kyle's...

i'm also really depressed that alfie is moving to the other side of the country (san fran) right when i'm moving to NYC.

top 12 most memorable moments of the year

iliketohugtrees — Mon, 01 Jan 2007 09:38:32 GMT

every year i do my top 12 (or some other even number) most memorable moments of the year. last year i think i was in israel when i did it, this year, i'm dying my hair sort of blonde anck in dallas.

i've been thinking about this since salamanca. i figured that most of my moments would be from europe; i was right. you'll note that damien is not in any of them. it's not out of spite. it's just that i've realized that our relationship severely deteriorated this year and that my time in europe outshines our moments. but we did have amazing moments. see, how i pick my top 12 moments is... i give myself about 30 minutes to think of this year, month by month, event by event. i type out synopses of every moment. then i weed out the ones that don't make my heart ache with longing or make me smile or shiver as much as the others.

12) being in rotterdam with ivar and fleur and erik, drinking my spanish wine, looking at the beautiful rotterdam lights and watching little fleur eat my belgium chocolate and dance to prince songs. also, included in this beautiful memory: falling asleep in fleur's precious princess bed, only to wake up to her in the morning, already dressed by her daddy in pink wool tights, a denim skirt and a knit top.

11)driving through the sierra nevada mountains with tyler, emily, ruth and cara arguing about palestine/israel and whether we'd rather be blind or deaf. hearing that one song over and over (and camisa negra) and seeing the beautiful moon.

10)eating chips ahoy chocolate chip cookies (heated, with milk) that we'd run to the veinti cuatro to buy with nicole. after we'd finished a plate of them we'd just sigh and smile and go back to our room.

9)the holocaust museum in jerusalem.

8)alex and my last "fake date" at valor, when we also decided to go get batidos and he told me i was his soul mate and we just enjoyed each other's company, no sexual feelings, just pure, unadulterated appreciation for each other.

7)downing a bottle (two maybe? the amount escapes me) of vino tinto in front of the moulin rouge and taking so many pictures in front of it, and for other tourists, and having to have the random italians open our bottle.

6)walking through the streets of sevilla with john matt, erin, bridge, riley and alex turning 80s songs into country music and singing them at the top of our lungs while john matt had to stop every few steps and take another hit of pot.

5)watching the sunset with nick as our ferry pulled away from tanger while we shared his ipod headphones and listened to songs we loved.

4)javi having to carry my back from the bars on his back because there were shards of glass everywhere because i'd taken off my too high shoes cuz they were hurting my feet and i wanted to dance. he, amy and i got back to the rez only to find that there were more shards of glass on my floor from papas fritas. but that was OK because the next morning nicole and i woke up with two godly men in our beds.

3)seeing the coliseum for the first time at 3 a.m. with matthias, the french guy who worked at my hostel in rome, and walking over to see the trevi fountain so we had it all to ourselves.

2)kyle's dad's funeral, when kyle gave the most beautiful and yet painful speech i've ever heard in my life and he had to hold the podium to continue and i was so glad i had krysten next to me.

1)that one night in paniagua when they played "proud mary" (CCR), "paranoid android" (radiohead), "by the skin of my yellow country teeth" (clap your hands say yeah), "one headlight" (wallflowers) and "such great heights" (postal service) and javi, alex and i couldnt stop smiling at each other and dancing with ourselves while we passed around the best calimocho in the world and lip sanch.

moments that didn't make it but are still awesome:

seeing the statue of liberty for the first time with dack and damien on a painfully windy day

trying white castle for the first time with kelly and her friends after we'd just had amazing cuban food and sangria. this is is where i met camilo, who i maintain is the hottest, most perfect man i'd ever met.

meeting kevin (from austin who was also staying at the same hostel as me in rome) at the top of st. peter's basilica and watching the sunset.

standing in the middle of a neighborhood full of famous murals that the loyalists and nationalists had painted in belfast.

haunted by a past i just can't see anymore, anymore

iliketohugtrees — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 20:43:51 GMT

i burst out into tears twice over damien in the past few days. both times were in the car while i was listening to that song "how to save a life." he says:

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness

fuck, i lost a friend. he messaged me today, and i didn't know what to do. i told javi about it:
Sonia says:
mi ex novio acabo de mandarme un mensaje..debo responder?
Mael says:
no se...como es el mensaje??
Sonia says:
como:
Sonia says:
hi
Sonia says:
jaja
Mael says:
es como hi
Mael says:
solo
Mael says:
jajaja
Sonia says:
jaja, si

i just love that they say "jaja" instead of "haha" to laugh. and their shorthand for "que" is "k."

i went and got coffee with shawn, the guy that judged me in impromptu at a speech tournament in 6th grade that i was absolutely head over heels for throughout middle school. he just got back from bangkok. i don't think i struck his fancy. but i did end up in his car, pontificating my speech about my mom meddling in my healthcare with a non-latex condom. don't ask.

then lauren came by to pick up my copy of alanis morissette's jagged little pill because she "needed it." we're both going through break ups...it's the perfect soundtrack to any break up.

while she was over here i asked her to keep this box that damien made for me. it was undoubtedly the sweetest thing anyone has ever given to me. he gave it to me on valentine's day in 2005, just days after we'd started dating. he got all this different colored felt and decorated the heart-shaped box's cover with it and put a note on it. i've since filled the box with little items that reminded me of us. dried roses that he'd given me on my birthday. notes (of which there are two). bracelet. modest mouse ticket stub. cd. photos.

she's going to keep it for a while. i can't deal with it right now.

the skin of my yellow country teeth.

iliketohugtrees — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 07:37:21 GMT

my heart is crying out for paniagua. i just talked to javi on messenger. we talked in spanish and i was proud because i even used the spanish computer shorthand. i told him about how i was in the bar of the hostel i was staying at in rome and burst into tears when i heard that song by clap your hands say yeah. he told me that he downloaded the album today and is depressed now listening to it and thinking of amy, this amazing girl in our program that he fell for.

i don't know why, but i love this song. in the beginning, the guitar is picked and it's like someone's picking at my heartstrings, making me sing and cry at the same time on the inside. i can't help but dance. i can't help but sob. i can't help but close my eyes and imagine i'm back in that bar, seeing javi and alex and thrashing about dancing, grabbing random people's asses, air guitaring the shit out of this song. i close my eyes and i see the giant 3 euro glass of calimocho being passed around. who bought it? probably javi.

i see the bartender, there are two--one rounder in the face and older, the other skinnier, younger with long straight hair like anthony kiedis, and he's just hit play on this song and is smiling, sitting on his stool watching how it's transformed the crowd. sometimes, like on my last night, he'll turn off the lights and turn on the cheap tiny disco ball with colored lights.

we'll all lean against each other, high off the sheer funness of it all. inside our bubble with black and white computer printout photos and the tiny tv tucked away on a shelf up high playing inaudible, non-stop classic movies. inside our bubble where spanish turns to english and all's fair in love and calimocho grabbing. our beautiful world in paniagua.

i cannot believe i'm writing an ode to a bar. i swear i'm not an alcoholic. it's just the music, the people it brougth together, it's quirks and the fact that it really only got hopping around 2 or 3 a.m.

maybe paniagua represented something else than just a good time. maybe it represented international territory, where it doesn't matter if you speak your spanish with an american or french accent. where dry humping against the condom machine was OK and encouraged, even. it was a place of birth, of liberation. where lifelong friends were made through gyrating hips and spilled alcohol and singing in unison. and the circa-1980s tetris machine where everyone threw their jackets.

it was all so beautiful.

ok, i'll stop reminiscing. there are many more beautiful memories to be made.

"The Skin Of My Yellow Country Teeth"

Once - The dogs have quit their barking
"Son," - my neighbor said to me.
"Know the emptiness of talking blue
the same old sheep."
Run - I'll do no more this walking
Haunted by a past I just can't see
Anymore
Anymore

But let me tell you I have never planned
To let go of the hand that has been
Clinging by its thick country skin
To my yellow country teeth

Far - Far away from West Virginia
I - Will try on New York City
Explaining that the sky holds the
Wind the sun rushes in and a child
With a shotgun can shoot down
Honeybees that sting
BUT THIS BOY COULD USE A LITTLE STING!

Who - Will get me to a party?
Who - Do I have yet to meet?
You - You look a bit like coffee
And you taste a bit like me
How - Can I keep me from moving?
Now - I need a change of scenery
Just listen to me I won't pretend to
Understand the movement of the wind
Or the waves out in the ocean or how
Like the hours I change softly slowly
Plainly blindly oh me oh my!