“Ellohay!” Noah called. Still no response. “I wonder if the grapefruit wore off.”

“Probably. Well, who’s going to go down in there and get them?”

“I know. Why don’t we lower a piece on a string and …”

“Won’t work. They must taste it.”

“Well let’s see where they are.” I said, getting out the glasses. I took one glance and jerked my head away.”

“What? What is it?”

“We have more than one problem.”

“Which is?”

“There are four of them, and none of them are wearing any clothes!”

“You’re kidding!”

“Nope. Now we must decide who goes down there to give one of them grapefruit.”

“I’ll go. Laura’s down there. I give her the grapefruit and her clothes.”

“Then what?’

“Then we leave.”

“But shouldn’t we free those other two?”

“Who cares about them? They may be real criminals!”

“Okay. Go on, but be careful.”

“Hey, I’m cool.” He said. I lowered him into the pit where he stumbled around in the dark. Finding Laura, he gave her a little dose of grapefruit.

“Why Mr. Prescott, what a pleasant surprise. Why couldn’t you come save us earlier … Where are my clothes!?!”

“Right here, darling.” He said, handing them to her. She walked away from him, turned around and came into the light. “Phase 1 completed Adam.” He shouted up. “Are you and Katie ready to go?”

“What about Tracy and Kristin?”

“Tracy and Kristin?”

“Yes, they’re down here too.”

“Swell.” Noah said. “Hey Adam, we have a slight problem.

“And what is that?”

“Well, it appears that the other two you saw were Tracy and Kristin.”

“Great!”

“Not so great. You see, we don’t have clothes for them.”

“Oh.”

“Have any ideas?”

“Only one. Wake Kristin up and see if she knows where her clothes are.”

“Okay. Dear, if you would do the honors.” Noah said, handing her the grapefruit. Laura woke Kristin up.

“Kristin, don’t move, just tell me where your clothes are.”

“They burnt them.”

“Here,” Noah started, “Give her these, they’re Katie’s, but I believe they’ll fit.” Laura gave Kristin the clothes, and the three dressed ones looked up out of the pit at me. “What now Adam?”

“Well, Noah, it looks like we’ll have to forfeit some of our clothes.”

I sat there until nightfall, and lowered myself down behind the chief’s chambers. I peered in the window and saw the chief slobbering all over Noah, and Noah trying the best he could to escape. “Leepsay ithway emay.” (Sleep with me.)

“Never!” He translated.

“Hyway?” (Why?)

“Because I am married!” Noah stated. I crept into the room via a nearby window, and managed to put some chloroform over the chief’s nose. She fell asleep in my arms. “Adam. Boy am I glad to see you.”

“Shh. Well Noah, I thought this is what you always wanted. A million amazons, half-dressed at your feet, not to mention your wife.”

“My wife? Where is she?”

“I don’t know. But if I were an Amazon and was told that some girl wanted her husband back, I’d throw her in prison.”

“Good point.”

“Plus, they have no clothes, except, maybe a few leaves.”

“Huh?”

“Someone’s idea of a disguise.”

“How are we going to get out of here?”

“I was counting on you to know that.” We sat and thought for a while.

“I’ve got it. Do you have any more of the formula on you?”

“Not on me, but in this vial.” I said, taking out the vial.

“Put it on you.”

“Are you kidding? And have all these half-clothed amazons all over me?”

“That’s just it. With both of us with the formula, it will fry all their circuits except for Laura and Katie.”

“Why not theirs?”

“Because they had to eat some grapefruit before they came into camp so that they wouldn’t be affected.”

“Right! Good thinking Noah.” I took the vial and poured a little bit on me. I then went to the window, and sure enough, all the Amazons were starting to pass out. “It looks like your plan is working. All the Amazons are shorting.”

“Of course.” Noah said, brushing his nails on his shirt and the blowing on them.

“Well, let’s go rescue the girls and get back to the search.”

“All right, if you insist.” Noah said, getting up. “Good-bye, Chief. I’m afraid we wouldn’t have worked out after all.” Noah and I left and searched around for the jail. “I’ll have to get out my translator to read the signs so we can see where they are being kept.”

“You mean you can’t read it or talk like them?”

“No. You mean you can?”

“Uresay. That’s sure.”

“Wow. How come I can’t?”

“I don’t know.” I said, looking around. “Over there is the jail.” I said.

“But it has a sign saying Ailjay.”

“Right.”

“Oh!! I get it now!”

“Yes, we heard some cheering but could not understand such crazy language. We came here following two men. They are married to two of the Amazons. They jumped us and stuck us in here, taking everything we had, including our clothing.” The voice said.

“Us too, except it was some formula made by my husband. He put it on himself and made these Amazons like him. The only cure is grapefruit.”

“Unfortunately there are no grapefruits in these parts, only bananas.”

“Aunt Tracy, who are these two strangers?” Another voice asked.

“Tracy?” Katie and Laura said, looking at each other. “Is your name Tracy?”

“Why, yes, it is. And this is my fiancée’s daughter, Kristin.”

“We never thought to find you two here.”

“Huh?”

“It’s us, Katie and Laura.”

“No.”

“Yes!” Laura stated.

“I can’t believe it. How did you ever find us?”

“Well, we tried to get Noah rescued, but they threw us in here.”

“Noah, you mean he’s the one I love?”

“The one you love? I thought you loved Adam?”

“Adam? That lowlife wouldn’t even come out here to rescue us.”

“There’s no arguing with you. Do you know how to get out?”

“No idea, I was hoping you had a plan. I’ve just got to ask Noah something.”

“Eepkay oisenay ownday!!” (Keep noise down) The guard called from above.

“What did she say?” Kristin asked.

“She told us to keep the noise down.”

“Noise, can’t she understand us?”

“No.” Laura said. “I think Katie is the only one who can.”

“Kristin, can’t you do it?”

“Do what?” Kristin replied.

“Talk like that, you know, Igpay Atinlay. Don’t you remember?”

“No, I was missing that day, but I just can’t wait to see Noah.”

“Oh, swell. Where’s grapefruit when you need it?”

While the girls tried to figure out how to get out of the pit, and Noah tried to get his bag, I was getting tired of being inside the cave. “Captain Parmenter to Jane, Parmenter to Jane, do you read me Jane?” I waited. “Max to 99. Max to anyone?” I was getting annoyed and worried. They hadn’t told me anything, and I decided I was going to get out anyway I could. Feeling for wind direction, I followed the path of air, marking the floor every once in a while to tell where I had been.

Eventually I found my way out, and proceeded to follow the trail back to the cliff. I scaled the cliff, and followed Laura and Katie’s trail toward the village. I came to the spot where they had left their bags, and I retrieved one. Opening it up, I noticed that their clothes were inside. “No, they couldn’t have.” I said aloud. I chuckled. Looking into the camp, I saw what appeared to be the chief’s chambers, but I knew that there wasn’t a chance that I could get there by walking. I climbed a tree, and crossed through the trees to where I was laying on a branch right over the chief’s chambers. I thought that that would be the logical place for Noah to end up if indeed all the women in the camp were in love with him.

While Noah tried to talk his way into getting his bag, Katie and Laura were about to stumble upon the Amazon village. “What’s that noise?” Katie asked.

“What noise? My darling’s in there, we must save him!” Laura started to dash in.

“No! I’ve got a better way. Here, eat this.” Katie said, handing Laura a grapefruit. She ate it, and was back to normal.

“Thanks, I needed that. What’s your plan?”

“First, let’s tell Adam.”

“No time, just tell me the plan.”

“Okay. It’s a long shot, but…” And Katie continued to tell Laura the plan. They looked around the camp and saw a way to infiltrate it. They took off their clothes, and donned themselves with leaves from the nearby area. Messing up each other’s hair and making themselves look like the natives, they put their clothes in their bags, and hid them.

Entering the camp Laura said, “Noah’s going to pay for this.”

“How do you think I feel?” Katie responded.

“Well, he’d better not be doing anything he shouldn’t be.”

A native walked up to Laura and said, “Howay ouyay?” (Who you?)

“I don’t understand her.” Laura told Katie.

“I think I do, let me try.” Katie replied. “Eway ryingtay otay indfay anmay.” (We trying to find man.)

“Ouyay an’tcay avehay imhay. Ehay elongsbay erehay.” (You can’t have him. He belongs here.)

“Ehay elongsbay otay erhay.” (He belongs to her.)

“Erhay?” (Her?)

“Esyay, erhay.” (Yes, her.)

“Hentay hesay ustmay ogay otay ailjay.” (Then she must go to jail.)

“Oops. Sorry Aunt Laura, but I think they’re going to throw you in jail.”

“What?!? Jail! What did you tell him?!”

“That Noah belonged to you.”

“Tell them that he is my husband.”

“Anmay erhay usbandhay.” (Man her husband.) Katie said.

“Anmay heif’scay usbandhay.” (Man chief’s husband.)

“I think that Noah has married their chief, or that is what this one said.” Katie told Laura.

“If I ever get my hands on that no good…”

“Save your strength, here come the guards.” Katie replied.

“Ancay I eesay hetay heifcay?” (Can I see the chief?)

“Onay. Hetay heifcay ithway anmay.” (No. The chief with man.) With that, Laura and Katie were taken to the jail where they were stripped of their clothes and belongings, an thrown in a pit.

“Ellohay?” (Hello) Katie called. No answer.

“Those native female beasts. At least they could have left us our clothes.” Laura stated.

“English?” A voice said. “Is that English I hear?”

“Hello? Is anyone there?” Katie called.

“Yes, who are you?”

Noah and Laura were up atop the peak when Noah made his crucial error. He went to put a drop of his formula on himself, when he hiccupped and spilled a little more than a drop on him. Immediately, Laura came dashing to his side, and offered to lick his shoes clean with her tongue. She then proceeded in sitting Noah down, sitting on his lap, letting her hair down, and kissing him profusely. “This is the life!” Noah stated. Laura started to take her shirt off, to make herself more appealing to Noah, when out of the trees, a small group of what appeared to be apes attacked her. They each fought over Noah, but two of them grabbed her arms and took Noah off. “Help!!” He called. They swung off through the trees toward the Amazon ladies’ village. Once there, they sat him on the throne, and started feeding him all sorts of food. “Really, you don’t have to.” He said.

“Esyay eway ustmay. Eway ovelay ouyay.” One of the leaders said.

“Huh?” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his translator. “Say it again.” Noah said, gesturing for them to repeat the sentence.

“Esyay eway ustmay. Eway ovelay ouyay.” She repeated.

The translator printed out: Esyay eway ustmay. Eway ovelay ouyay. = Yes we must. We love you.

It was Noah’s turn to say my line, “Oh boy!” He then put through the translator, “What are you going to do to me.”

“Ouyay arrymay heifcay.” Which translated to, “You marry chief.” The chief, a beautiful half-clothed blonde, came out and paraded over to Noah. Sitting on his lap, she fed him grapes.

Noah got out a fan and started fanning himself. “Is it hot, or is it just me?” He said to himself. “I’m sorry, but I must be going.” Noah translated.

“Oday ouyay otnay ovelay emay?” (Do you not love me?)

“Boy do I ever,” He said. He then slapped himself in the face. “Noah, pull yourself together. You’re married. When are you going to stop chasing girls? Why not just settle for the one God’s given you.” Noah thought aloud. “It’s not that, it’s just…” Noah started to translate.

“Ringbay imhay otay ymay hamberscay.” (Bring him to my chambers.) She said. With that, Noah, his throne, and the chief were all taken into her chambers, where Noah did not know what would happen next.

“You don’t happen to have any grapefruit, do you?” He asked the chief.

“Rapefruitgay?” (Grapefruit?)

“Yes, grapefruit.”

“Hatway rapefruitgay?” (What grapefruit?)

“That’s, ‘what is grapefruit?’” He thought aloud, “I wonder if I could get to my bag to get some.”

“Can I have my bag?”

“Good. Because I love … that idiot had better get his butt back here before I get mad. Imagine, running off with a bunch of half-clothed women!”

“Oh no, Katie, it looks like Noah and his new friends are moving away faster than I thought. They are all ready out of range for the formula to work on Laura!” I told Katie. We hurried back to the cliff, climbed our ropes, and found Laura.

“Well, it’s about time you two showed up!” She exclaimed. “By now, Noah’s probably being forced to marry some amazon queen or something!”

“Calm down Laura. Noah can take care of himself.” I said, trying to comfort her.

“That’s what I’m worried about!” She responded.

“Good point.” I returned.

“But what about Aunt Tracy and Kristin?” Katie inquired. “We just can’t leave them in some trap!”

“Another good point. Why don’t you two go and see if you can find and rescue Noah. They may get defensive if another guy were to show up in their village. I’ll see if I can find Tracy and Kristin. Call me when you find him. I bet Noah left you a trail.”

“Not if he was enjoying the idea!” Laura responded. I smiled then left the two of them to find Noah. I climbed back down to the cave, and entered it. Putting on the night-seeing device, I looked around. Seeing odd shaped markings on the sides of the cave, I began to wonder what inhabited the cave. I searched for a while, and then realized that I had lost myself inside. I sat down, opened the bag, and dug out my walkie talkie.

“This is Ricky Ricardo to Lucy. Ricky to Lucy, are you there Lucy?”

“Yes Ricky, this is Lucy.”

“Lucy, have you and Ethel found Fred yet?”

“Not yet, but were close to the neighbor’s apartment.”

“Well, once you find him, come help me. I’m lost inside this dark closet.”

“Why not just open the door, or turn the light on?”

“I found a secret passage behind it, and that’s where I’m lost.”

“Oh. That far in. How will we find you?”

“Fred can use one of his tools.”

“Oh. Well, good-bye Ricky.”

“Good-bye Lucy.” I said, terminating my conversation with Katie.

“No, we just want you to floss around the edges, and then help us inside. We’ll stain the tooth.”

“I’ve got you. Carol wants to know if Bob has got the vials just in case we need them.”

“Ah, Jerry, you sly dog. Pretending that Carol wants to know. Yes Jerry, Bob’s got the vials of cleaning fluid.”

“Okay, groovy.” Noah said. We heard static.

“That was fun,” Katie added, “Now how are we going to mark this place?”

“That’s easy.” I said, digging through my bag. I brought out a can of spray paint, which I sprayed an arrow on the trees.

“Is that stuff safe?”

“Oh, this stuff?”

“Yeah, couldn’t someone else see it and follow us?”

“Take another look.” I said. The paint had all ready started to disappear. “Only Noah can see it now.”

“But shouldn’t you tell him?”

“You told him.”

“Oh, so he’ll be looking for it.”

“Why not? He invented it!” I exclaimed. We fastened a rope to a tree and lowered ourselves, one by one, down the cliff. Landing at the bottom, I took a look around.

“I don’t see anything.”

“Neither do I.” I said, reaching into my bag. I pulled out a pair of binoculars, and looked around. “There’s a cave about 100 yards that away.” I said, pointing to the left. “I think we should go check it out.”

“I’ll spray paint along the way.”

“Good idea.” We walked up to the cave, and looked inside.

“Looks pretty dark.”

“Not to fear…”

“Let me guess, Noah has invented something that would light up the whole cave.”

“Better than that, it allows us to see in the dark!”

“What will he think of next?” Katie responded. “You know, why don’t we just pour the contents of the vial on you and let Tracy and Kristin come to us?”

“First of all, if they are in some trap, they will be delirious and could get themselves killed. Furthermore, I don’t think we have enough grapefruit to feed this entire nation. I would have girls hanging all over me.” Just then my walkie talkie crackled.

“Laura to Adam, Laura to Adam.”

“Laura, this is a secured frequency, you shouldn’t say anything out of code, you might … Hey, what are you doing with the walkie talkie?!”

“My Honey is in trouble, you must save him—I don’t know what I could do without him.”

“Calm down Laura, and tell me what happened.”

“Well, we were walking along the cliff, and all of a sudden this raiding party of apish looking women came out from behind some trees. It looked like some of them didn’t have clothes on!”

“Go on.”

“Well, they tried to claim Noah, but I held on to him. They were too strong, and they took him.” I checked my pocket and found that a vial was missing.

“Naw. It’s not scary as long as you know where you are going.”

“And just where are we going? I think that we’re going around in circles!”

“Impossible. I marked a tree every once in a while. Like this one.” I said, walking up to mark it.

“Oh, so that means that we’ve only been her five other times.” She said, looking at me in disbelief.

“So, we’ve just back-tracked a few times. Let’s see how Noah and Laura are doing.” I dug out the walkie talkie and contacted Noah. “Picard to Away Team. Picard to Away Team. Do you hear me Away Team?”

“Rikker hear, Captain.”

“Number one, what’s your situation?”

“Well Captain, Diana is not feeling to good, but she’s not sensing any life-forms. We are about to break for lunch. Should we return to the shuttle craft, or should we clear a space with our phasers?”

“I suggest option two. The Doctor and I are going to continue for a while and then we’ll break. Picard out.”

“What’s with Star Trek names?” Katie asked me.

“It’s Noah and I’s code.”

“How does it work?”

“Well, the person who makes the call starts it by referring to something that we were both familiar with. In this case, I started with Picard and said I wanted to contact the Away Team. Therefore, the proper response, since we are the lead group, was a member of an away team.” I said, starting to follow the trail once more.

“And how did you get the code names for us girls?”

“Well, Noah started it by referring to Laura as Diana, therefore I had to chose the remaining woman, the Doctor.”

“I see. What if I were to call Noah and say Laura Petrie wishing to talk to Milly? Would he understand that I meant Laura?”

“Yes, because you’re using The Dick Van Dyke Show.”

“Right! So this is how you keep from getting bored.” Katie said. I moved a bush which revealed a cliff to a deep chasm.

“Shall we go down, or around?”

“Well, let’s go down and see if there is a trail.”

“Okay, I’d better check in with Noah.”

“Could I do it?”

“Sure.” I said, handing Katie the walkie talkie.

“Emily Hartly to Jerry. Emily to Jerry.”

“Yes Emily. Where’s Bob?”

“He’s in group therapy.”

“Yeah, he needs it.”

“Jerry, we’re about to proceed into a cavity.”

“Oh, and you want my advice?”

“Sure.” Katie and I knelt down, and Katie accepted Christ as her Savior and Lord. We then started back to the car, and when we arrived Laura was chasing Noah around with a stick.

“Well, sister in Christ, it looks Noah’s formula has worn off.” I said to Katie.

“What was your first clue?” He asked me, dodging for dear life.

“If we’re all done eating, I suggest that we continue our journey. No telling if Tracy and Kristin have all ready fallen into a trap.”

“Just wait until I find that vial.”

“Do you mean this one?” Laura held it in her hand.

“Be careful with that! Here, give that to me.” Noah pleaded.

“What, so I can be your slave some more? I don’t think so.” Laura responded.

“Suit yourself. I would be careful though. If you were to drop it on the floor, we could never get you away from this car. Or say that it broke on you. You would attract every female for miles. They would fall in love with you, including yourself, not that you aren’t all ready.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

“Adam, you hold on to this.” Laura said, thrusting the vial at me.

“Do I hear a please?” I asked.

“Please.” She replied, forcefully. I took the vial and put it with the one I was carrying, in a case. I put the case in the glove compartment of the car, and we continued our drive.

“When do you expect us to arrive at the site?” Noah inquired.

“Well, I figure we’ll be there at eight tonight. That is if we stop and eat.” I responded.

“What with the formula worn off, we have no worry about going into a restaurant tonight.” Noah said.

“Where would you girls like to go?” I asked.

“Well, I don’t care.” Katie said.

“I’d prefer to go to someplace fancy.” Laura responded.

“Well, we’re not exactly dressed for it.” Noah stated.

“No matter, we can change in this gas station coming up.” I said. We pulled over, and all of us got out our one pair of good clothes, went into our respective rest-rooms, and changed. Coming back out, we got in the car and headed toward the next restaurant. We pulled over and ate. Noah escorted Laura in, while Katie and I followed. After we had finished, we continued on our drive. Noah and Laura were talking to each other in the back.

“How will we know when we get to the site?” Katie asked.

“The car Tracy drove up here will be there.” I responded.

“Is that it?” Katie asked, pointing to an object.

“Yes, I believe that it is.” I responded, pulling over. We got out and inspected the car. Finding no occupants, we searched the area. Tracy probably would have left me some kind of hint as to which direction they had gone.

“What’s this?” Laura asked. There were two arrows on a tree, one going down a path to the right and the other to the left.

“It looks as though Tracy left us a clue but somebody is trying to confuse us. Also there are tracks in each direction. I suggest we follow them. Noah, you and Laura take a walkie talkie and go left. Katie and I will go right. Let’s meet back here at nine. We don’t want to be out too long tonight.” We agreed, and took off in opposite directions. We each walked down our respective paths, and found nothing. Returning to the cars, we made camp in two tents.

“You’re right. Maybe we should test and see if it’s still in effect.”

“How?”

“Well, I’ll go order the food. You take Laura and Katie out to the car.”

“Awe rats.” Noah said. “Hey, how are we going to test me?”

“Well, you said Laura’s grapefruit should have worn off by now, we’ll test her that way.”

“Shoot. You came up with an idea.”

“Here comes Laura and Katie now. Take them out to the car, and I’ll be right out.” Noah grudgingly followed orders while I went to order. No one was at the counter, so I just walked up. “I would like two Big Joe’s, a Julius salad, and a Smiley Chicken Meal.”

“That comes to ten ninety five.” The girl said. No effect, not even a sign that the formula that once tortured me was still in effect. I turned to walk out and the girl jumped over the counter and came over to me. Shyly she said, “Sir, you forgot your change.”

“Keep it.”

“Sir, where do you live?” I gave her my address and telephone number, then left. She waved to me. I walked over to the car to see Noah laying on Laura’s lap. I got in the car, and we drove off to some secluded place. Laura treated Noah like a king, while Katie and I talked to one another. My formula had been significantly decreased so that it had no effect on the love-sick Laura. I deduced this because the girl at the McDuncans didn’t even try to flirt with me. The test would be if she called or wrote me.

We stopped off at a picnic area a little way from the restaurant. Getting out, Noah and Laura went to sit by a nearby lake. Katie and I took a little walk, admiring the South American scenery. We stopped a little ways, and I picked up a skipper stone and skipped it across the water. “Adam?” Katie asked.

“Yes?”

“Adam, why do you and Kristin keep trying to get me to go to your church?”

“Well, Katie, our church believes that there is only one way to heaven, and that we are sure that we will go there when we die. We just want to make sure that when we go, you are there too.”

“But God will let us all go to heaven, it says that he is not willing that any should perish.”

“True, but the punishment for sin is death. And since all have sinned, all are doomed for hell.”

“True, but God is fair, and he will look at my life and say that I was good.”

“God is fair, and all it takes is one sin to stay out of heaven. Would you like to be sure that you will go there when you die, or the Lord comes?”

“Sure, how?”

“The way to accept Jesus is simple. Believe that you have sinned, and he came to take away those sins. Ask him to come into your life and take away your sins so you can live with him forever.”

“It’s that simple?”

“Yes, would you like to do it now?”

“Right now?”

“Yes, God doesn’t care where, he just cares that you do. He loves you Katie.”

“I don’t know. What will my parents say?”

“Who is more important, your family or God?”