ma vie en direct

Fin

2007-06-16T07:03:00.000+08:00

It's been two months since I left Singapore, and it really seems so long ago, so far away. I've settled into my new home well, and am enjoying work and life. Of course I do miss plenty of my old life, but the new one is fitting me quite nicely. With the internet, friends and family aren't that far away, and already people have come to visit, and more are scheduled.

I've tried to blog, but I can never seem to find the right words. I don't remember why I started to blog, but the result was a mixture of catharsis and indulgent navel-gazing. It was me finding the me that was buried from the years spent in a place where I didn't feel like me. It wasn't just the geography, it was the confluence of circumstances and situations.

It was, what it was.

Eight weeks isn't a long time, and yet it's an eternity. I've done so much, more than I ever expected of myself, and uncovered so much more I could do. And that's what it is all about, it's about the challenge, it's about growth, it's about me being the me I thought I was and could be.

Can I ever go back? I can, but I will go back a different person. No, no, it's still me. But it'll be a me with a better sense of me. This blog is me, but not the me I am now. So instead of waiting to find the words that fit, I've come to realise that in all likelihood that no words will ever fit. I have words that fit somewhere else, I don't know where, but it's not here.

Three years to my first post, this blog has run its course.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Two weeks notice

2007-04-27T23:04:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I drove home for the first time without having my maps strategically folded, tabbed, and placed in the front passenger seat. Now that's a milestone achievement!

I'm still learning the ropes here, but everyone has been tremendously helpful and friendly and SPEAKING ENGLISH TO ME ALL THE TIME. My dear colleagues are gems. Of course, the campus has quite a significant expat population so it's not that unusual though nonetheless very appreciated.

One thing I do like about the new workplace despite the 45min commute (door to door) is the company cafeteria. Food is pretty good, with changing menus everyday, a good assortment of hot and cold dishes and sandwiches etc. It's no Google but the subsidised rates mean that I pay about US$1 for a generous portion of delicious nicoise salad. So yummy I had it twice this week. And a glass of soda costs US 15c. Booyah - this beats my usual 80c teh-o peng and S$3.20 yong tau foo! Unfortunately, when I have to work at the other campus (only 30mins away), there's only a public cafe and the prepacked salads cost 5x the price and taste pretty meh.

There are 3 bank holidays next month. Too bad I still haven't quite oriented myself just yet so have no travel plans. Which is an odd contrast to the fact that I'll also have 3 business trips as well. Yikes. Within a month after I arrive I have to take a long haul flight to the southern hemisphere. I'm kinda not looking forward to the flight but excited to check out a new continent. Yay!

Okay. It's Friday, and I wanna get outta here!

Settling in

2007-04-24T16:14:00.000+08:00

Despite all the pre-move jitters I suffered, the move has been a breeze. It's almost as if I've lived here for ages. The city is gorgeous, the people are lovely, and I feel so much more engaged in life than I used to be.

Of course, there were some hiccups here and there, and I surprised even myself at weathering them without gnashing of teeth and all. This has been a much needed journey, even more than I ever imagined. I'm starting to think that 2 years isn't hardly long enough at all! Ha!

Mujer al borde de un ataque de nervios

2007-04-12T01:48:00.000+08:00

Less than 24 hours to go.

I wish this could be easier.

Poor little rich girl

2007-04-10T02:14:00.000+08:00

I'm down to my last couple of days in Singapore, and I don't know how I'm going to deal with D-Day itself. There are a lot of things I don't blog about, chief of which deals with family.

家家有本难念的经.

That about sums it up really. I am luckier and more blessed than most, but there are problems, and it is compounded by our utter inability to communicate and confront the problems that face us. Instead we blithely cruise the river of denial, and risk an implosion of epic proportions.

It's hard to be really excited about the move with this weighing so heavily that it threatens to choke the life out of me. I am going because I am a nomad. I am going because being physically elsewhere is the only solution I know of. Reality bites, and I cannot stomach the slow rot that I see before me. It is a rot that we do not acknowledge, but whose presence pervades our lives. It is a rot that no one has the fortitude of character to own and fix. It is a rot that poisons relationships. I can only hope not irretrievably, not irrevocably.

Someday I hope that I can summon the strength to face the rot and banish it far, far away. But not yet.

One day.
Some day.
I shall overcome.

I'm never getting outta here

2007-03-22T00:04:00.000+08:00

Just when I thought I'd fixed everything, got my visa, got through enough of a handover, got dates in mind, gave myself almost 2 weeks to focus on personal stuff and the move.

Then I get an email asking me could I please deliver my presentation in person at some meeting in some other country instead of just calling in and doing a web conference.

So a 3hr block of my time has just turned into 3 days. And 12 days of me time is reduced to 9. Minus the bits where I still need to go back to the office to pack my things to ship over. Oh, and not to mention all the bobs where I have to also start working on my new job while I'm here waiting to go over there.

If I have a nervous breakdown, you know why.

You know you're old when...

2007-03-18T02:20:00.000+08:00

Roger Rees guest stars in a recent episode of Grey's Anatomy, and you go "Hey that's Robin Colcord from Cheers!" whilst most everybody else squees about his turn as Lord John Marbury in The West Wing.

Oy. VEY.

STRESSBUNNY

2007-03-01T23:28:00.000+08:00

There's stress and there's stress. And there's STRESS.

Then there's the slow-escalating OHMYGODWTFAMIDOING freakout that gurgles beneath but totally threatens to explode in a blubbery mess.

Yeah, that.

*gulp

Paralysis

2007-02-20T00:28:00.000+08:00

There is so much I want to talk about, but I can't and I don't want to put it down in print. Because despite how frustrating and stressful it all is, I also just want it to pass so that I can move on and leave it all behind me. It's not how I want to do things, but since everything has been wrenched out of my control, then there's little point in hanging onto what is not mine and attempting to make things right.

It's not personal. It's business. At times like these, I am painfully reminded of how much of myself I've buried to make this corporate gig work, how it is antithecal to my nature, and how in my dreams, there is no Fortune 500 company, no jet-setting life, no fancy job title and expense account.

I do not regret the time I have spent back in Singapore, for there are some things one has to do no matter what. Yet in the lead-up to my move, I have caught myself wondering just what kind of person I'd be today had I not returned. I hesitate to think that I've lost seven years of myself, but once every so often, I find myself in moments where everything surrounding me just seems completely wrong. Nor am I so deluded into thinking that there is some mythical place where everything will be just right, I know better.

I do know this. That as I walked the cobblestone streets to my new home last week, as I climbed the winding stairs to my apartment, I caught a glimmer of my dream again. And for the first time in many years, I dared to think of ways to make it come true.

And that, was a wonderful, beautiful feeling.

Then came the sun

2007-02-12T02:56:00.000+08:00

The sky was a sleek silvery-grey, the rain went from delicate drops to sloshy sheets. I thought I would be confined indoors for sure, but then the sun peeked through and flirted with the rain.

I bound out in a thrice, and headed to the Sunday market like it was something I've always done. Creating routine where once there was none. And nestled amongst the cabbages and leeks were these gorgeous pallets of purple artichokes.

I wanted so to buy some for lunch. Soon I can, and soon I will.

Sucks mangy dawgs

2007-02-01T18:50:00.000+08:00

I've been out sick the past couple of days, and of course in my absence it not only rains and pours - but it's a veritable tsunami that ploughs through. Then of course as I'm standing in the middle of the mess being tasked for creating it, somebody pulls the rug out from beneath me and then 'chirpily' says - oops, hey, sorry for unleashing that tsunami! I didn't mean to! And hey if you can just take this rug and cover everything up - that'd be spiffy!!

WTF

Alien Nation

2007-01-26T01:16:00.000+08:00

As I start making concrete preparations for my move, I can't help looking back at where I came from, where I've been, and where I'm headed and beyond. I also couldn't help being reminded of the startling revelation when a friend of mine described me as 'restless'.

I am restless. Even as I stand at the precipice of a major move, I am wondering what next. And next and next and next. After college, I took some time off to work and figure out what I want to do, and ever since, there have been major transitions in my life at two year intervals. Perhaps it's a mark of my restless nature, I don't know. Making a major change is very intoxicating - you don't think you can do it until it's done and then you seek the next high.

With time ticking down, I find myself struggling with the issue of just where I call home. Having wandered the earth since I was a wee bairn, I am torn loving the life of a global nomad, and yet yearning to settle down and call some place home. It's not that I don't want to call Singapore home, I just can't. It's not, never was, never has been, and never likely will be. And as I pottered around the wide wide world of web reading up on relocation and expatriate experiences, I came across sites about third culture kids, and suddenly - everything makes sense. Everything.

Many Third Culture Kids face an identity crisis: they don't know where they come from. It would be typical for a third culture person to say that he or she is from a country but nothing beyond their passport defines it; they usually find it difficult to answer the question.

[T]hird culture kids develop a sense of belonging everywhere and nowhere. Their experiences among different cultures and various relationships makes it difficult for them to have in-depth communication with those who have not experienced similar conditions. While third culture kids usually grow up to be independent and cosmopolitan, they also often struggle with their identity and with the losses they have suffered in each move. - Wikipedia

'[B]elonging everywhere and nowhere,' I could have sworn I've written that exact phrase somewhere in this blog. Like I said, suddenly, everything makes sense. I've struggled to make people understand my disquiet, and it bothered me enough that I seriously contemplated seeing a therapist. After reading the extensive research that has gone into understanding TCKs, it's like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I could actually be NORMAL.

Well, normal being rather relative of course.

Dangerously crabby

2007-01-25T17:46:00.000+08:00

I think it's been creeping up on me the past few days, and I finally hit the wall yesterday.

I am feeling really crummy. And no, it is NOT PMS. I don't know what it is really. Suddenly everything just seems drab and dreary. Plans to go to the gym have been scuppered because I just cannot imagine myself bouncing around for 50 minutes pretending to be a thai boxer. Low on motivation, low on morale, low on energy. Low. Low. Low

So. No gym, instead I decided play fag hag for the evening, and called up a gay friend for some company. Dinner, shopping, and coffee.

Thank goodness for homosekshuls.

Dangerously kinky

2007-01-23T14:42:00.000+08:00

I've been trying to juggle work demands and relocation errands and personal stuff - and feeling just a tad meh about it all. Nothing major, no crisis, just a lot of confusing thoughts that make for a pretty schizophrenic few weeks.

As a follow-up to the post below, I went to apply for my CNCC recently, and to my surprise, there was a wait of about 20 persons already. I don't know why I'm surprised, I guess I just didn't think CNCCs were so commonly requested. By contrast, the licensing counters sharing the same waiting area were virtually empty. I think they attended to 4 parties the whole time I was there.

Anyway, in the waiting area was a display cabinet of items prohibited by Singapore law. Things like guns, bullets, souvenirs made from bullet casings, flick-knives, mace, tasers, handcuffs, fireworks, air guns, fuzzy handcuffs... *zoinks*

No kidding. In the neatly arranged & labelled display cabinet was a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. It was muppet-like fuzz around real handcuffs, so I am guessing that novelty handcuffs are okay, but it was still pretty amusing to see FUZZY handcuffs displayed as a prohibited item.

Thank goodness I'll be moving to a country where fuzzy handcuffs are LEGAL. *snort*

Can you handle the truth?

2007-01-09T18:11:00.000+08:00

Cribbed off the application form for a certificate of no criminal record (CNCC):

What are your reasons for emigrating? (please select only 3 boxes as the most important reasons and rank them in order of importance, with 1 indicating as the most important)

[ ] High cost of living in Singapore
[ ] Singapore is too regulated and stifling
[ ] Better career/ business prospects overseas
[ ] Better and less stressful education opportunities for your children
[ ] Prefer a more relaxed lifestyle
[ ] To be united with close family members who migrated earlier
[ ] Do not want your son/s to serve National Service
[ ] Retirement abroad
[ ] Marriage to a foreign national
[ ] Uncertain future of Singapore
[ ] Others (specify)

*snerk*

2007

2007-01-01T00:43:00.000+08:00

It's a new year, and I am incredibly excited with what 2007 holds for me.

Happy new year to you all, and a hearty thank you for reading and leaving comments.

2006-12-25T02:59:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas y'all.

Monday

2006-12-18T14:07:00.000+08:00

When the alarm went off this morning at 730am, I opened my eyes thinking that I forgot it was actually Sunday. Then I realised that it was really Monday. And I was sad. Very, very sad.

So I did what had to be done. I slept in.

I'm on leave from Thursday, and really can't wait to not have to think about work for a stretch. I need to catch up with friends, I need to catch up with my life, and I need to get some rest.

Man, I am tired.

Got it

2006-12-16T01:45:00.000+08:00

The week's been crazy, and I'm worn enough to seriously consider tossing out my year end holiday plans because I cannot bear the thought of getting on another plane for another flight.

In other news, I got the apartment, and I really can't wait to see it again.

2006-12-07T21:39:00.000+08:00

I am procrastinating.

That's all.

Room with a View

2006-12-05T01:26:00.000+08:00

Eight apartments over two mornings, I've whittled my choices down to two: one is quintessential old Europe, overseeing a small public square and surrounded by old cobblestone streets that do murder on the feet; the other is a chic, minimalist loft style space in a trendy part of town.

I'm leaning towards the former, both for its location and apartment interiors. It's a spacious duplex in an old, old townhouse with beautifcully restored original wood floors and ceiling beams. There are downsides to an old structure, for the stairs leading to the apartment are the teeniest, windiest I've ever seen. But I figure that the stairs are a minor inconvenience - I spend, what, 15 secs on it each time? A minute at the most in a day? But the view, the neighbourhood, the ambience, the location! I think I can put up with teeny, windy stairs.

Now to keep my fingers crossed that no one has snapped it up already.

Stress bunny

2006-11-30T21:24:00.000+08:00

I'm so stressed I really just want to throw up. So much year end work accumulating, sorting out this relocation business, and the looming announcements I have to make to staff and fellow colleagues.

I really need a break, but after I get back from Europe I need to trek up to KL for a few days, back to Singapore for the weekend and then off to Thailand for a week long company meeting that I'm partially chairing. I have 4 presentations to do, and no slides prepared.

*barf

Eat me

2006-11-30T03:38:00.000+08:00

You can't really tell from the picture, but that's a giant bottle of nutella - all 3kg of the hazelnutty stuff. Yes, you got that right - THREE KILOGRAMMES. It's even got a festive red cap, and a festive red box to go with. I guess it's a holiday gift option around these parts. Given that trans fats are now eviler than the devil itself, I can't help but stare and go 'Mon dieu!' I mean, I likes me my nutella, why in fact I had a nice dollop on two rounds of french baguette just this morning for breakfast, but dayum - three kilos of the stuff is pretty scary.

Today was price-check day. Went to the shops, the supermarket and drugstore etc, to see how much things cost. It's not like I won't have enough money, but I'd still like to be mentally prepared. Things cost about twice that in Singapore. I guess that's how Malaysians feel when they go to Singapore - same number, whole different currency. But then, luscious heads of salad greens go at half the cost compared to Singapore, so it's not all bad, plus fine chocolate is a way of life here. That, is A Good Thing.

Runaway train

2006-11-29T03:58:00.000+08:00

I met with my relocation agent today, then had lunch with my future boss, and I'm feeling quite excited about the move. I've worked with my boss-to-be before, and I'm happy to be part of her team, yet it's a tad weird to hear her say that's she's wanted to work with me since two years ago when I was part of a task force she led. I've worked with her subsequently on two other initiatives, and have admired her from a distance, so it's very flattering to hear back that she remembers me from back then. Now the stress of living up to expecations! Ai carumba!

Anyway, the whole thing still feels like a runaway train because everything is hurtling forward and just dragging me along. I still have not received information about my package, but my agent already knows what I should be getting in terms of housing and related living set-ups. It's pretty standard, so I listen to her reel off what I can expect and all the arrangements she will take care of. I can't help but think back to when I moved to France and how daunting the whole exercise was. This time, I just pass my agent a photocopy of my passport and I can expect my bank account to be set up within the week. Not that I need it so fast, but you know - wow. Even ADSL, cable tv and utilities accounts will all be taken care off. And there I was, wondering how much internet access was going to cost me, or which bank I'll need to go with. No need to think, just show up ready for work.

The agent also passed me a huge stack of informational material, as well as detailed maps of the city and country. She'll also be lining up apartment viewing appointments later in the week. I'll be looking at 2BRs, with a 'luxurious' 1BR as an alternative.

So that's where things are right now.

Look See

2006-11-27T00:58:00.000+08:00

When I was going through the formality of interviews with HR and my potential bosses, I was actually given quite a few choices of where to go. I hadn't expected to be given a choice, I quite frankly assumed that I was going to be sent to the US. Just as well, as I had a few reservations about moving to the US - not that I would have minded at all. I had the option of going to France, which was incredibly tempting, and I still wish I could have picked it. But for professional reasons, I went with my company's EU headquarters, and that's where I am this week for a bunch of meetings and a look see.

The last time I was here was a year and a half ago, and surprisingly, I could still make my way through the city easily without a map. Then again, it's a pretty small place, and on foot I'm not exactly covering a big area anyway.

It's a little surreal walking around and trying to see myself a resident here for two years. Having lived in Paris for almost two years, I can say that I'm at least mentally prepared for the challenges of living in Europe. And having lived for yonks in the dogtown that is Baltimore, I know what it's like living in a less than happening city. So I should be ready for this, no?

There's a danger in knowing too much. When I moved to the US, I was a wide-eyed 17 year old going to college, the world was my oyster, I had nothing to fear. When I moved to Paris, I was 25, I barely cared how much I was getting paid or how I was to eke out a living there. It was meant to be a one year stint anyway, I can worry about real life after that.

Now, I am older, have a more weary outlook, and less appetite for the unknown. Part of me wishes I had picked the US or France, just to save myself the agony of acculturation.

Anyway, tomorrow I talk to HR - so far it's been very high-level chats with no specifics other than car, housing, timing. My HR manager won't have the details, that comes from the department in charge of global assignees, but I'll get a heads-up on what to expect in the coming weeks and months. Tuesday, I have lunch with my boss-to-be. I've worked with her on numerous occassions, and I'm quite glad that we know each other already, makes it less intimidating (for me at least). From Wednesday to Friday, I will probably be getting the low down on the whole relocation set-up, and there's also a housing agent to help me with preliminary apartment hunting.

I'm still trying to get used to the whole idea.

ETA: Just checked my work email, and my relocation agent sent me a 6 page questionnaire to fill in. I'll be meeting her Tuesday morning for a welcome chat, and to discuss plans for the rest of the week. Cool.