Mad Art Lab

Worst Miracle Ever

Elyse — Mon, 20 May 2013 18:30:36 +0000

Hello, world. If you’re reading this, it means I lived long enough to finish typing it. But probably I’m dead. At the hands of a cruel dare from my fellow MALabbers. They’re horrible people who disguise themselves as friends. Don’t trust them.

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, I bought some of those stupid miracle berry tabs. They’re miracle fruit, you see, in a tablet… that you suck on… and then when they’re gone from your mouth, through the magic of science and chemicals—miraculin, to be specific, and even Wikipedia is’t sure how it works so it’s like literally magic—they perform the miracle of making everything in the world taste like delicious candy. So one day you’re all like “What? Who the hell eats mayonnaise with pickes and coffee grounds?” Then you eat a miracle berry and you shove a giant spoonful of pickle-coffee mayo into your mouth and you’re like “OH HOLY SHIT THIS IS WHAT UNICORN DREAMS TASTE LIKE!”

Or at least, that’s what the legend, and my “friends” here at the lab, would have us believe.

Anyway because I have a medical condition that prevents me from eating most anything sweet without horrible GI consequences, I thought “Hey! Wouldn’t it be great if I could have one of these and make a piece of cheese taste like my favorite cake?” See, I’d been told this would happen. So, believing I’d be able to trick myself into believing I was eating cakes, I ordered a pack of miracle fruit tablets. They’re supposed to work exactly the same as miracle fruit, but in a shelf-friendly tablet form.

So, one day, I’m craving some delicious dessert and I’m like “OH FUCK! LIGHTBULB! I HAVE MIRACLE FRUIT TABS ON MY SHELF! I’M GOING TO EAT SO MUCH PIE VINEGAR!”

I grabbed the pack, popped a tab in my mouth… sucked and sucked and sucked and like 4 hours later, I WAS READY!!

The results were unimpressive, so I sent this should-have-been-more-scathing email to the Mad Art Lab team:

So I bought some of those miracle fruit tabs and decided to try one.

After rolling it around in my mouth for like 10 minutes waiting for it to dissolve, I’ve flared up my TMJ and now it hurts to talk. Or chew. Or anything else that involves moving my face or head.

The effects lasted for about three minutes and were mostly unremarkable.

Unsweetened chocolate tasted like dark chocolate. Sour cream tasted like ice cream that went bad a month ago. Cholula tasted like Cholula. Coffee tasted like coffee. Red pepper cheddar cheese tasted exactly like red pepper cheddar cheese. Then unsweetened chocolate tasted like that 90%+ cocoa.

And then I was out of room in my body for any more bites of food.

The end.

And that was when they decided it was time to trick me into self-murder.

Crush them up, make a paste, they said. It will work better.
Write a post, they said. Compare the two experiences. YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE IT! LIKE CANDY ICE CREAM COOKIE PIE CUPCAKES!
Take some pictures for us. We demand it. BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU! IT WILL BE GREAT!

So today, I got my new vitamins in the mail. And I popped one into my mouth and I was like “OH SWEET BABY JESUS HOW DO YOU MAKE SOMETHING TASTE SO AWFUL?” (Because yes, I am a grownup who eats chewable vitamins. Don’t judge me.) And then I remembered that I had THE TABS [insert: rainbow swipe]. And it’s Friday. And I’m bored. And this could be the thing that saves the world from a vitamin-bad-tasting epidemic. And I’m bored. Like seriously bored.

I take the half-step trek from one end of my kitchen to the other, and open my Cabinet of Hope, pop a tab between my teeth and make a paste of tablet and fresh-from-my-tongue-tap saliva. I swish and swish and grind my tongue against the tablet like drunk 16 year olds at prom. This, my friends, is the moment I was sure would change my life forever. And it did… in much the same way that drunk 16 year old’s life changed when he realized he had a giant boner and the lights went on.

Except that, I imagine, a boner feels kinda good. A miracle fruit tab tastes kind of… not that good.

But there’s a reward. And I knew if I could just get through this tab, everything would be the best. A couple of minutes of unpleasant is worth it.

And then the tab melting was over. And it was CHOCOGASM TIME! The reckoning was upon us… well, upon me… and it was going to be great! Because this time I totes did it right. “Everything is going to taste like MIRACLES!” I said to no one… because I was standing alone in my kitchen… because about to shove awful-tasting food into my mouth… which is something you only do while alone… to avoid embarrassment… before you post the experience onto the internet.

I grabbed a big ass chunk of unsweetened dark chocolate and… it tasted kind of like a-little-bit-sweetened dark chocolate. I didn’t take a photo of my reaction because there was nothing to take a picture of. I was unimpressed. Not wholly disappointed. It tasted fine. Exactly like it did the first time I attempted this stupid experiment.

Ok… but sour cream. Sour turns sweet. That’s the promise. So, sour cream will taste like sweet cream… not like rancid ice cream. Like sweet whipped cream. With the texture of melting whipped butter. I cannot regret this. It’s not possible. See? See how excited I was? (where excited=fucking terrified)

So at first, not actually so bad. It’s sweet. Like whipped cream.

And then the sour kicks in. And suddenly it tasted like whipped sour cream.

Now, I like sour cream. And I like whipped cream. I do not like the flavor of these two in one single bite and texture. So now I’m sad. Because this experiment is not turning out the way I wanted it to. And when it doesn’t go the way I want it to, the only one that suffers is me. But next up is Cholula. And seriously, I’ve been known to eat this shit by the bottle. Like soup. With a spoon. Because it’s the best stuff on earth. So even if Cholula tastes exactly like Cholula, I CANNOT lose. I can’t. I can only win. That’s it. There’s one possible outcome.

SAUCY

THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD. SO GOOD. I’M GOING TO EAT THE FUCK OUT OF THIS CHOLULA. AND I’M GOING TO WIN MAD ART LAB.

Except…

And then this happened:

“WHAT IS HAPPENING? I DON’T KNOW! Just keep shooting! Just keep shooting! Don’t stop! We’re going to get all of this! All of it! This is important. DO NOT STOP SHOOTING!”

I don’t know what happened. I was eating the greatest condiment on earth and within a half a second all I could think about how I hate my fucking life so much, but that was okay because it was about to be over. But then it wasn’t over. And that was the worst part, having to go on, and never being able to take back the Cholula incident.

And, in a darkness-before-dawn epiphany, I remembered I still have those horrible vitamins that inspired me to eat baking chocolate, sour cream and cholula in the first place… I was doing it for the vitamins. To make vitamins so great I’d be willing to eat them. So maybe? MAYBE? MAAAAAAAAYBE this will work?

No.

Then I was driven to a depression that could only be erased by the power of alcohol. So, I poured myself a glass of wine. Cheers! This experiment sucks.

Oh right… remember that Cholula thing from not even 2 minutes ago?

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, MIRACLE FRUIT? NOW? NOW IS WHEN YOU CHOOSE TO CLOY? I HATE YOU SO MUCH! SO SO SO MUCH!

Jesus. I cannot even explain to you how fucking awful that wine was. That was the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth and I just finished eating a spoonful of rancid hot sauce to wash down rancid whipped cream. My life cannot get worse at this point. Like someone could come into my apartment and start lighting everything I love on fire and I would be all “Thank god you’re here, making everything better.”

So what’s even left besides cutting my mouth out of my face? Coffee. Coffee will be good no matter what. It will either be black, the way I like it… or it will be sweet, the other way I like it. AAAAAAAND:

Disappointing. And that’s really the most I could even ask for at this point. Disappointing coffee was totally welcome.

And with that, I had to quit. Because I couldn’t afford to try anything else. I really just wanted to go vomit and die and write this… and I guess I accomplished at least some of that.

Lessons we learned:

Miracle berries are a sham.
Mad Art Labbers give terrible advice.
It is entirely possible to take a selfie while dry heaving into the garbage disposal.

The end.

Mad Quickies 5.20

Seelix — Mon, 20 May 2013 15:06:33 +0000

Highway Overpass Chandeliers – Ballroom Luminoso by Joe O’Connell. Some of his other projects are more science-y, like Seed Pods, but I love the idea of putting chandeliers into infrastructure. And they’re made out of bike parts!
Inside-Out Horses. I’ve done my time drawing cuts of meat on the sides of cattle (Former farm camp counselor. I promise I didn’t just break into pastures and draw on animals). I wish I had thought to have the campers draw skeletons and muscles instead.
Food Paintings! Artist Hong Yi has been making art with her food and documenting it on Instagram. My favorite is her beef, spinach and parsley dinosaur plate.
Periodic Table of Middle Earth.
Jeanne Garbarino and Perrin Ireland team up to explain cholesterol. And while you’re there, check out the rest of Science Studio‘s collection of science multimedia.
How much would it cost to build the Starship Enterprise?.
Daniella Zalcman has chronicled her move from New York to London by blending photos from both cities.

I’m in more of a video mood today, so you get three videos!

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Top 10 Reasons Time Travel is No Good – Explained by puppets!

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Beautiful Animation by Jake Fried made out of ink, gouache and coffee.

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Imaging Water Vibrations

from the page;Sonic Water

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Featured image is from Ballroom Luminoso by Joe O’Connell.

Mad Quickies 5.17

Donna — Fri, 17 May 2013 18:06:42 +0000

It’s the Friday Quickies! Surf’s up!

Taken in the 1920s to 50s, these are stunning photos of vintage NASA facilities. Also, did you know that NASA has a flickr photostream that’s a public domain archive?
Tumblr find: ridiculous female armor and Clothes I’m forced to wear in the majority of MMORPGS. {via Smashley}
Ellie Kemper asks: Can men be funny? {via Brian}
Please enjoy these very clever business cards. {via Mary C.}
This vintage Leafy Sea Dragon print is my Etsy shop find of the day, the absolutely gorgeous 1001 Treasures.
Fossil cookies! {via Ryan}
Watercolor sloths. Yer welcome. {via Brian}
Here is the latest from the amazing Red Hong: the covers of three April issues of Esquire.
Fernando Moraes and Raone Ferreira comprise Imarginal. They’ve recently illustrated these jaw-droppingly awesome hybrid beasts and imaginary creatures.

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Juxtapoz x Beastie Boys: Album Covers Through the Artist’s Voices
Found at Fast.Co.

from the page
In conjunction with our very special June 2013 issue, Beastie Boys: A Visual History + Tribute to MCA, we bring you excerpts from some our interviews with Beastie album cover artists from Polly Wog Stew to Hot Sauce Committee Part Two!

We find the inside stories of how each album came to fruition through the experiences and artwork of each artist that is now part of the Beastie Boys canon. The issue was curated and compiled by our contributing editor-at-large, Joey Garfield.

We speak to Cey Adams, Haze, Arabella Field, World B Omes, Glen E Friedman, Ricky Powell, Todd James, Mike Mills, Matteo Pericoli, Bill McMullen, Bruce Davidson, Alex Grey, Kiino Villand, Sunny Bak… and, we interview Adrock of the Beastie Boys as he gave us the inside story and behind-the-scenes look at how each album cover was selected, from inside the band.

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Tasting Astronaut Food: Inside NASA’s Space Food Systems Laboratory

More information at Laughing Squid.

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Featured image is a The Variable Density Tunnel. From the page: The Variable Density Tunnel arrives by rail from the Newport News Shipbuilding and Dry Dock Company. The Tunnel was installed at Langley. (February 3, 1922) Photographer unknown.

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How to Eat Fire in Three Easy Steps

BonnieBeth — Thu, 16 May 2013 11:50:49 +0000

I can eat fire. Put it in my mouth, om nom nom. (Okay, maybe not quite that level of delicious.) I have taught two other people to eat fire, both of whom use their powers for good; nothing gets more attention in the middle of the night at Relay for Life like something on fire. But in order to teach others, I first had to learn from others myself.

Thom Britton is one of those others.

“What you’re seeing here is physics and like all physics it’s based on very simple principles you understand stacking up to complexity you cannot comprehend.” (photo: Freakshow & Tell)

Like many stories of events that others may find foolish, ill-advised, or perhaps even illegal in most states, it was in New Orleans. A friend of mine brought in this vaguely-overdressed man from in off the street, and some time later I was on a chair in a second-floor bar on Decatur being told to tip my head back and open my mouth.

Sure, there was an element of “OMG FIRE FACE FLEE FLEE FLEE.” Topical application of fire is generally Bad For You, and that instinctive reaction means that at least some part of your brain is working as it should.

But it was that easy.

And so, I would like to present to you this fine educational film by Mr. Thom Britton, “How to Eat Fire in Three Easy Steps.”

Mad Quickies 5.15

Donna — Wed, 15 May 2013 14:26:37 +0000

Scientology? It’s as bad at Photoshop as it is at not brainwashing people. {via Surly Amy}
Psychedelic drawing lesson by Katana Leigh. {video included}
Irrational at Flea Snobbery. {via Surly Amy]
At Flavorwire: comic book collages of women.
Intersection of reflection by Navid Baraty.
Inorganic Flora: a collection of detailed botanical blueprints by botanist and designer, Macoto Murayama.
The Hawkeye Initiative. {via Emily}
Ideo imagines 18 packaging concepts for the future.
I adore the type foundry Emigre and have been a fan from the start. That’s why I want you to know that you can download PDFs of their font catalogs for free.
And a bonus for you… celebrities who dressed “punk” for the 2013 Met Gala. Srsly?

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De-Extinction, Part One: How It Works, Kinda
{via Anne S.}

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Richard Blais gives us a…
DRAMATIC BURGER!
{via Anne S.}

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who needs aliens when you have the…
Stalk Eye Fly
That voice yo hear is that of Sir David Attenborough.

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Featured image is Biologica by Michele Banks. Found at her guest post at Symbiartic.

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Drabble Lab Round 5: Surprise

elfinn — Wed, 15 May 2013 14:00:40 +0000

What with server issues, the last round of drabble lab was pretty quiet. But we still got a few great entries! I’ve included all of them, and our winner’s illustration, below.

So, going forward, there are two possibilities: either round four was especially quiet due to server issues and happenstance, in which case there will be a bunch of entries this time around and we’ll keep on going. OR, this is naturally winding down and drabble lab will go on hiatus after this week. In any case, write a drabble, post it in the comments, and you might win an illustration!

Drabble #1, from Olivia, is super cute and has an even cuter last sentence in my opinion.

There was a distant memory of touch. Somewhere from years ago, a purring comfort of soft bodies and warmth, mixed together with mother’s milk. The loss of it wasn’t clear, when the feeling of companionship had disappeared, or when he had vanished off into solitude. Being alone didn’t seem like a burden anymore, it was the natural order of things. He was strong, he was capable, he was independent. He relied on no one but himself and his senses. But somewhere, there lurked the memory that solitude was not the only option. Stretching, the cat gave not a single fuck.

Drabble #2, from Breadbox, is a great description of urban solitude.

Downtown in morning rush hour. He focused on navigating the crowds, and still nearly bumped into two women as they discussed their plans for the day. He squeezed past a knot of teenagers shouting at each other over the music in their earbuds and entered the coffee shop. The line was long, with people squeezed together, trying not to block the entrance. He waited his turn. Finally the barista looked his way. “Double tall,” he said, but his voice came out gravelly and uneven. He cleared his throat. It was the first time he’d spoken since he’d ordered coffee yesterday.

Drabble #3, from Janelle, sounds like the beginning to a great longer story.

A four day caravan-ride from the capital city there is a tiny village at the foot of a mountain range. If you walk the road through the village and along the foothills for two days the land becomes steep and craggy. Past the treeline you find little topsoil and the air is thin. If you climb further there is a winding, narrow, and rock-strewn road, and a staircase. The stairs are still sharp and chipped; they have never been worn in. Atop the staircase is a hermit’s cave. And inside live two men, who have never spoken to each other.

And here’s the illustration, by Brian, for the winner, Breadbox.

Illustration by Brian!

So, submit your drabbles by Friday evening for our (possibly last) round! The theme this time is surprise. Happy writing!

Welcome Home, Chris Hadfield!

Cloe — Wed, 15 May 2013 00:30:51 +0000

Internet sensation and musical astronaut Chris Hadfield has returned safely to terra firma and we’re absolutely elated to have him back.

Nerd Racism – A Defense

Ryan — Tue, 14 May 2013 14:54:22 +0000

It would appear that someone had had the audacity of considering an African American actor for the role of the Human Torch in an upcoming Fantastic Four movie. Naturally some people have lost their collective shit. I posit that while this looks like blatant racism, some of the rage is from a different, and while equally irrational, less offensive source.

I mean some of it definitely is racism. But hear me out.

I have to say that when somebody puts characters that I know and love on screen and they aren’t exactly as I’d imagined them, I get a bit miffed. I don’t think the reaction is unreasonable. I think it’s pretty natural. In a way it’s cognitive dissonance. It’s a case of having to reconcile apparently opposing ideas and that is often unsettling. I don’t like the feeling and I will quite happily blame filmmakers for making me feel it.

More than that, though, I think it’s a misplaced sense of ownership. Some people take comic characters to be part of their heritage. As an analogy, perhaps you have a precious toy from your childhood, a teddy bear, maybe. If I replaced it with another one, you would be upset. It wouldn’t matter if the new bear was equally good or even better than your original bear, it wouldn’t be your bear. I think a lot of the feeling comes from that. It’s not MY Spiderman, it’s not MY Batman it’s WRONG! It’s worth noting that many of the people upset about race changes in movies are equally enraged by any departure from canon. These are sacred texts. Just check out all of the angst over Superman not wearing red briefs in Man of Steel.

To illustrate some of this, I relate my own nerd rage to you. I was, personally, pissed about Andrew Garfield getting cast as Peter Parker and the shameful depiction of Gambit by by Taylor Kitsch made me stop watching Wolverine. However I wasn’t fussed about Samuel L. Jackson getting cast as Nick fury. Why not? Because Nick Fury wasn’t a formative part of my adolescence. I didn’t own and Nick Fury comics. I didn’t relate to him or read about him and I didn’t have that sense of exactly who Fury had to be. Fury could be anyone, but Gambit and Spidey? Whooo boy did they kick me right in the hornet’s nest with those.

However, what one does with the reaction may be very unreasonable. I think is someone said to me that they demanded absolute adherence to the character design and mythology of a comic in order to like a film because they considered the material to be precious to them, I could support that. If they start posting all over the internet that the directors can’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground because some character wasn’t cast exactly as they wanted, I’d be less understanding.

I wonder if it would help if they put a little disclaimer on the movies that they were only “Inspired by a Fictional Story”

Heimdal and Nick fury images are property of Marvel Pictures, Catwoman property of Warner Brothers.