Mad Passions

This.

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 13:05:00 +0000

Blessings and wonder,

{this moment}

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 21:55:00 +0000

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. Inspired by Soule Mama.

Blessings and wonder,

Oh, Hi!

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 00:52:00 +0000

I am happy to report that we have gone for a walk every day this week. It hasn't really changed anything in terms of Connor's colic or my mood but it sure does feel good to get some fresh air.

Blessings and wonder,

Yarn Along: We'll Always Have Summer & Weekend Hats

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 13:25:00 +0000

I actually was able to finish a book in two days! This makes me so happy. We'll Always Have Summeris another teen novel and the 3rd in this series. It's your typical summer teen book about a girl who spends her long summer days at her Mother's BFF's cottage with both families. The BFF has two sons of course and the main character is in love with the older brother while the younger brother is in love with her. Who will end up with whom? Oh teen angst! And summer teen angst at that. I love it!!

Weekend Hats: 25 Knitted Caps, Berets, Cloches, and Moreis full of yummy patterns. I marked each pattern that I want to knit up. Of the 25 patterns I have marked only 17 as any berets, tams and slouchy hats all look horrible on me. But there are so many beautiful hats with some really unique ideas. I can't wait to knit up at least one of these. I do have a thing for hats!

A week or so ago I went through all of my knitting stuffs and re-discovered this project that I had completely forgotten about. I was so surprised because I love this yarn (Rocky Mountain Dyeworks Hoodoo fingering weight yarn in Pine Drops) and the Inside Out pattern as well. The best part is that the project is small enough that I can knit it while Connor is nursing or sleeping in my arms. I was so happy to find this sitting at the bottom of my knitting project bag.

I am making progress folks, I can knit and read now. Just not at the same time. If I could figure that out, boy would I be happier than a kid in a candy store! These accomplishments are both allowing me a few moments of feeling like my old self again.

Yay!

Joining in every Wednesday!

Blessings and wonder,

Mommy & Connor

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 15:13:00 +0000

Still wondering if his eyes are going to change. But in the meantime I'm loving the blue! Click on the picture to see a larger size with a black background.

Blessings and wonder,

The Other "C" Word

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 20:08:00 +0000

Colic is a condition in which an otherwise healthy baby shows periods of intense, unexplained fussing/crying lasting more than 3 hours a day, more than 3 days a week for more than 3 weeks.

I have a very lengthy post in my head on this but I just don't have the time to write it all down. So here is the Coles Notes version.

At 2 weeks old Connor started crying uncontrollably for a few hours at a time. This worked its way up to crying/being fussy for around 15 hours a day at least five days a week. And now at 10 weeks old it has turned into screaming uncontrollably for hours at a time.

We were not prepared for this. No one can be prepared for this.

Every day I wake up and feel as though I am living with a time bomb. Every move I make is either to try not to set Connor off, or I'm trying to figure out what I can get done in the 10 mins I have before he starts up again.

I shower once a week. I eat 2 maybe three meals a day thankfully but am no where near getting enough calories required of a breastfeeding Momma. I was down below my pre-pregnancy weight before Conner turned 1 month old. Yes many women would kill to be able to say that but I don't think they would under these circumstances. Every one has said that I need to take care of myself, that a happy Mom makes for a happy family. That is easier said than done when your baby screams if you put him down. I can't deal with a screaming baby while I'm "taking care of myself", it adds way to much stress for me.

I won't speak for James but for the most part we are barely holding it together and have fought more these past two months than we have all year. We deal with stress very differently.

It doesn't help that all of our good intentions in terms of raising our child went out the window the moment his Colic started. Being a strong believer in not-crying-it-out doesn't really apply when nothing will stop your son from crying.

And let me tell you we have tried everything. Everything we have read or been advised has sometimes worked for a bit or not at all.

For me the hardest part is that I feel completely crippled by this. Every thought I had that I would be a fantastic Mother has left me.

I question and doubt everything now.

I can't make a decision in terms of Connor or on communicating with my husband.

Should I put socks on Connor? Is he too cold? Too hot? It doesn't really matter because he is still going to scream for the next 45 mins. I am terrified that this self-doubt will stay with me for a long time to come. I have no idea how to change this. I have become paralyzed by my lack of ability in terms of soothing my obviously distressed son.

I find myself crying so much lately.

I think I am mourning the thought I had of what having a baby was going to be like. Not to say that I thought it was going to be all smiles and cuddles all the time.

But I will never be able to say that I loved my time with my newborn son. Or that I love my husband more now than ever before.

We've also had long talks on how ironic it is that after four agonizing years of trying to get pregnant we end up giving birth to a difficult baby.

And that's the other thing as well. I hate that I now think of my precious son as being difficult.

I know this isn't his fault. I know that.

But when I'm in this (and have days like yesterday where the entire day I thought I was going to die and couldn't leave James side) it is so hard to think rationally. I want this to end so that I can look back on these months with Connor and think how amazingly brutal they were but to be able to look at my son and think how amazingly wonderful he is.

And how amazingly wonderful being his Mom is.

Most people have told us that Colic lasts for only three months. And we are coming up to that golden number but things do not look like they are getting any easier. I just read the Wiki page which said that in some circumstances Colic can last up to a year.

Let me tell you, if that's the case I am going to need some serious therapy. A woman told me that having a colicky daughter, for her, was like living in a war zone.

I don't doubt her for a moment.

Blessings and wonder,

P.S. I'm not writing this post for your sympathies, although I do appreciate that you care. I am more writing to document this for myself.

{this moment}: a day late

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 08:24:00 +0000

{this moment}

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 17:44:00 +0000

{this moment}

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 22:37:00 +0000

Two Months

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 15:21:00 +0000

Today Connor is two months old.

He weighs over 11lbs.

He can hold his head up for extended periods of time.

He is wearing size 3 - 6 months.

And has been wearing size 1 diapers for a few weeks now.

When he wakes up he is full of smiles.

But soon after the crying begins.

He has been colicky since 2 1/2 weeks old.

It's getting worse, which is something we didn't think possible.

But we only have a few weeks to go before the colic period passes. (or so we're told)

We had a few challenges nursing, but they seem to be resolving themselves.

After he nurses he's full of snuggles.

He loves to be held, especially when sleeping.

The one blessing we have is that he sleeps for 2 - 4 hour periods when he does sleep.

However, he still has his days and nights mixed up.

While this has been the most challenging 2 months Mommy & Daddy have experienced, everything has been worth it.

Till we knit again,

Valentine Crafts

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 09:26:00 +0000

I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day as an adult. I do think it serves a purpose for some people but I personally don't need a specific day that my husband is forced to say "I love you".

For kids however I think Valentine's Day is a great holiday to celebrate. I remember as a kid getting so excited to give friends and family little hand made valentine crafts and treats. I am definitely going to be celebrating with Conner each year and am wanting to incorporate giving to Charity on this day as well.

But in the meantime as Conner is too young to really celebrate I have found some simple crafts that hopefully won't be that time consuming.

Source

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Source

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Unfortunately there was no source on Pinterest for this wreath but how amazing and simple it is.
More time consuming than the other crafts but it would be so worth it!

Do you have plans for Valentine's Day? I would love to hear (or better yet see!) what type of crafts or food you have in the works.

Blessings and wonder,

Yarn Along: Delirium, Treachery in Death and How Do I Love You?

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:58:00 +0000

I haven't had a chance to knit at all this week as Connor has been especially needy. But that's just fine with me. He's starting to become all smiles when he first wakes up and I hold onto those moments when things get rough throughout the day.

As to books, I'm still reading Delirium, which has an interesting plot idea. In the future scientists discover that the route to all pain, war, crime and sorrow... is love. And so they devise a procedure that will remove love in a person. In this world, once you turn 18, you receive the procedure and live happily every after. Which is ironic as you would not be able to be happy without love, but that is how the society works. The story centers around a girl about to turn 18, who (surprise surprise) falls in love. It's actually really well written for a teen novel and I'm enjoying it so far.

The mystery novel gets read while I'm nursing Connor. I find it difficult to nurse and hold a hardcover book so this is how my reading works now. I actually thought Delirium was a paperback when I requested it so I had to get the paperback as Plan B. I'm liking this novel more than I thought I would. James and I are big fans of the TV show Castle, and this novel has a similar tone. There are numerous books with this lead character so if I really like it I may read more. We shall see.

Joining in every Wednesday!

Blessings and wonder,

vlog: 2 a day late

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:10:00 +0000

When It Comes to a Name

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 09:45:00 +0000

Picking a name for a boy was hard for me. Harder than I had anticipated actually.

For some reason girl names came easy to me. When it came time to finalize our name choices I had come up with a list a page long for girls. But for boys I just couldn't decide. I think I had maybe three names on that list.

I definitely didn't want a very common boy name like Michael or James. Not that there is anything wrong with those names seeing that my husband's name is James and I think it's rather perfect for him. I'm also personally not a fan of "unique" names that have no meaning to me.

And I think a little part of me feels that boy names are a bit boring. I'm not really sure why but I can never get excited over boy names.

So when it came down to really finalizing I was not easy.

We knew we wanted the first name to be Connor. We had that one decided years ago. And there was no special meaning behind it for us... it is just a name we both love. Connor seems like a strong name, a good name. I could definitely see my son being named Connor.

For middle names we really couldn't agree.

James has two middle names and suggested we use them. I unfortunately hate his first middle name so I vetoed that one pretty quickly. Much to James disappointment I might add.

But his second middle name, which is Joseph, I quite like and so that one stuck.

Because we were keeping a tradition for his side of the family I wanted a name from my side as well.

My father's middle name is Vincent and it has never really been a name that I particularly liked probably because it can be shortened to Vinnie or Vince (cringe worthy indeed!). But when I put them together Connor Vincent Joseph... well it just seemed right.

James got to keep both of his requests to have a double middle name for our son and to give his son one of his middle names. And I was able to honour my father as well.

While we didn't know the sex of the baby we were carrying, in the end Connor Vincent Joseph was the only name that fit.

Blessings and wonder,

{this moment}

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 16:27:00 +0000

DIY Wreath

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 09:39:00 +0000

During my last trimester of pregnancy my nesting instinct kicked in even more than it had in the previous months. I think part of it was due to the realization that I would be spending a whole lot of time alone in my apartment. Staring at blank walls and seeing the little things that I've been wanting to change was not something I was looking forward to doing for twelve whole months. This realization really got me motivated to finally tackle decorating our apartment this year.

We’ve lived here for a little over seven years and we haven’t really made this our home in that it’s decorated how we would like it. This is partly due to living in an apartment and partly because we never really had “disposable” income to invest in decorating our home.

So for the last few years I’ve been making a mental list of items I would like to add, furniture I would like to change and daydreaming about what my future house will look like. Because of these lists I’ve complied quite a few bookmarks and pictures for inspiration.

While trying to entertain myself through the wee hours of the night I have been browsing Pinterest lately and finding all sorts of ideas and inspiration for our home. I especially like DIY ideas which cost little to do.

My current find is one that I really want to make for our walls. I’m not sure exactly where it would go but that’s beside the point.

source: Style At Home

It started with the above picture. While there are many amazing things going on in this room; hello mirror!, amazing magazine rack, love the pillows... what really caught my eye is the fantastic driftwood wreath on the wall.

After some sleuthing I found the artist's website. And even more photos of the driftwood wreath. So beautiful!

source: Madera del Mar

I already have plans on taking Connor for long walks on Vancouver's various beaches, this would be a perfect activity to do while on our walks. I'm not sure how long it would take to collect enough driftwood to make a wreath for myself, but I plan on starting as soon as Connor is able to go out.

I am very excited about this and will keep you posted when things start to progress.

Blessings and wonder,

Yarn Along: Delirium

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 08:55:00 +0000

I've only gotten a few rows knit up on James scarf this week. Most likely due to all the reading I've been doing when I can get it in. While I've been holding Connor either breastfeeding or letting him sleep on me (sometimes the only way he will sleep), I've been daydreaming of knitting myself this amazing hat or finishing Connor's Sunnyside Cardigan seeing that I'm knitting the 3 month size and that won't fit him for long if I don't finish it. Oh well.

I finished reading Breathingand it was pretty ok. Nothing spectacular but not bad either, I guess I can say it served its purpose. Now I'm reading Delirium, it's an interesting concept and another teen novel. I hope to have it finished during the weekend. I do miss spending time lying around on the couch engrossed in a book. But that's one of the things I'm learning on this Mommyhood journey: it's ok to mourn my old life. That doesn't mean I would trade it for this one. Not for anything.

Joining in every Wednesday!

Blessings and wonder,

The start of something new: vlog!

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 19:07:00 +0000

Drowning Not Waving

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:43:00 +0000

Birkenhead Provincial Park, Aug '11

I open my eyes to discover that I am floating on my back in the water. The sun is huge in the sky and there is not a cloud to be seen. Despite the glaring sun the weather is perfect; not too hot and the water is ideal. I am completely content, at peace even and I am so glad that I learned to swim in the outdoor pool at my apartment.

I dive down into the water and swim as far as I can.

When I start to get tired I test out the depth by putting my foot down, I of course do not touch bottom. This doesn't' scare me as it would have just a few years ago. I was once terrified of the water. Heck I was even a bit scared in the bath. (*I completely blame Stephen Spielberg and Jaws)

But not now. Now I love the water.

I look towards shore and am surprised that not a single person can be seen anywhere on the beach and that I am alone in the water as well. I am very confused as the day is gorgeous. I soon realize my mistake as there are two women I know on the beach looking at me. They wave to me and I wave back.

I continue swimming but quickly realize that I am getting tired.

I turn around and start to swim towards the beach but it feels like I'm not making any progress.

With fear starting to seep in I realize that at this rate I'm not going to make it. I'm not as good a swimmer as I thought and no one is in the water to help me.

My friends however are experienced swimmers, so I start to wave towards them. As I do I notice that the once smooth water has become very choppy. Despite there still being no clouds in the sky there are large waves forming and it's getting even harder to swim.

My friends finally see me waving at them and they return my wave. They are smiling and I can somehow hear what they are saying.

"I'm so happy for Melanie! Look how happy she is. She's wanted this for years now and she finally is swimming."
"She's going to be so proud of herself when she's done. We all knew this day would happen!"

And the whole time I'm thinking to myself how oblivious they are. There is no point in shouting at them as they are too far away and the waves are too loud, but I do it anyway.

I scream that I'm not waving at them. I'm drowning! I can't do this on my own. Can't they see?

But they don't hear me and still misinterpret my waves.

At this point I'm getting even weaker and start to go under.

I'm still not scared though. I'm more resolute. This is my fate and I am in this alone. No one can help me now.

And then I hear another voice. This time it is my own.

It tells me to shut up and to stop feeling so sorry for myself. I remind myself that the shore is closer than I think. I can do this, I just need to stop fighting and swim damn it! And so I do. I swim to the surface and take a huge breath. I then notice that my friends are now in the water. They are trying to run towards me and are yelling. This time I can't hear what they are saying, but they are waving frantically for me to get out of the water.

And for some stupid reason my first thought is Oh shit! Shark! (I'm looking at you Mr.Spielberg!!) and I look over my shoulder waiting for the jaws to clamp down on me. But instead I see the most massive wave coming towards me.

Sheer panic grips me now, and I try to figure out what to do in the few moments I have until the wave hits.

Do I try to swim away? Do I dive down under the wave? Dive into the wave? Or should I try to float and let myself be taken? I try to think if I've ever read anything on surviving an event like this. What have I seen in the movies. But nothing comes to me.

I know there is nothing I can do. Surely this is the way that I will die. I've waited my whole life to swim like I have today and now that is being taken away from me.

My friends have given up on saving me and are trying to get back to shore to save themselves.

As the wave hits me I feel it's massive power and am riding the wave to its peak. I feel the energy of the surge and as the sky gets closer I start to close my eyes. I don't want to know what is going to happen next. I wish this all away. In that moment I have no idea why I wanted to learn to swim in the first place. I was right to be terrified of the water. I should never have made the decision to do this. What was I thinking? And I realize that the water is not what I should be afraid of... it's me that I should be scared of. I thought this is what I wanted all those years, but I was wrong, I wasn't cut out for this.

And that is when I open my eyes and find myself in bed. James is on my right and Connor and Domino are sleeping soundly on my left.

The dream is over now, but I still haven't made it to shore.

Blessings and wonder,

Seven

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 08:49:00 +0000

Seven years ago we said "I do."

It has been a long road to get to today, but it was an even longer road that brought us to that day.

I can't wait to see what the future holds for us my love.

Forever and ever.

These words were read at our wedding ceremony and they still ring true:

Love is seeking for a way of life, the way that cannot be followed alone; the resonance of all spiritual and physical things...

Friendship is another form of love - more passive perhaps, but full of the transmitting and acceptance of things like thunderclouds and grass and the clean granite of reality.

Marriage is both love and friendship and understanding: the desire to give. It is not charity, which is the giving of things. It is more than kindness, which is the giving of self. It is both the taking and giving of beauty, the turning out to the light of the inner folds of awareness of spirit.

Blessings and wonder,

{this moment}

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 17:52:00 +0000

Yarn Along: lots of books this time

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 20:51:00 +0000

Yup, still plugging along on James scarf, and I do think this will be showing up on my Yarn Along for...oh... the next two months. Sorry if this gets old. I'm actually a bit worried that my knitting will have to take a bit of a break for long than I'm comfortable with, hopefully not longer than say six months?? I'll just have to make time for it when I can.

Seeing that I have gotten my reading mojo back, I took Conner for his first library visit. He slept the entire time of course but it was quite fun for Momma. While I don't want to hurry anything along, I can't wait to take him to Storytime and actually spend time with him at the library. But for now he will accompany me whenever I go.

As you can see from the above photo I went a little crazy. I clearly wasn't thinking when I picked up the hardcover book, as this is going to be very hard to read one handed while I am breastfeeding. I have not read any Mystery books before but my parent's read them all the time, so I thought I would try one out. So far I like it. I will hopefully read through these over the next three weeks and then it will be on to new books. Looking through my Goodreads I can't believe that I only read twenty books in 2011 when I normally read close to fifty. Of course I won't make it anywhere near fifty this year but hopefully more than twenty.

Joining in every Wednesday!

Blessings and wonder,

a little conversation

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 05:01:00 +0000

Me: I'm terrified of tonight. Connor has been sleeping all day.
James: Don't worry, you'll get through it.
Me: (sounding hopeful) Maybe this is like that woman said and tomorrow he'll wake up and be super happy. Maybe he's going from his growth spurt to being alert?
James: Man that would be awesome! Can that happen? I would love a super happy baby, cause then I would want to come home from work every day.
Me: You don't want to come home from work every day?
James: (looks sheepishly at me)
Me: That's ok.... I don't want to exist some days.
James: Holy sh&t. That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard.
Me: meh, it passes.

*photos taken on iphone over the last few days. apparently I really like my pj bottoms.

Blessings and wonder,

{this moment}

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 19:10:00 +0000

Yarn Along: Moo Baa La La La, The Gruffalo, You Are My I Love You

noreply@blogger.com (melaniejennifer) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 20:36:00 +0000

I'm participating in Ginny's Yarn Along. Are you?

Still getting in a few rows on James scarf. I'm really looking forward to the day that I can get some real knitting in. I still love this pattern though and the yarn is so soft.

This week I've started to read to Connor when I can. I can't really read the "mushy" books as I like to call them. Any book that talks about love or feelings has me crying by page two. For some reason James finds this hysterical while I find it somewhat annoying. I'd really love to be able to read them to Connor and I know that I will soon, when things are not so rough with our sweet little guy. So for now I read what I can and try to stick with the funny kids books.

Blessings and wonder,