ITS MADDIE THE HIJABI :-O !!

Untitled

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 00:30:00 +0000

Could you pity a child
And look the other way?
Or see all the pain in someone's eyes
And not be sorry?
Do you even know what its like
To be pushed around
Like you're a petty posession?
Or be held in someone's arms for a while,
Then returned to your cell?

Madiha M.K

How I met Su (Valleygurlfrmhell).

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 08:59:00 +0000

We met at the curious and antisocial age of 14, yet there was nothing antisocial about us.

On a dark, cold night, my brother and i, along with our mother, drove to pick Su and her family up from a previously agreed meeting point near Dream Park in Egypt. Su and my teenage brother had been involved in an online relationship for some time, and the call for family visits was due.

Su and her energetic and charismatic middle aged mother spent a few days in our appartment building on the roof in our humble guest flat. Su, the ever elated and hysterical girl with a bit of punch, and I, stayed up all night laughing, giggling and messing around. We were best friends easily and instantly, and still are. Her relationship with my brother...not so much, it would seem. Until the outside observer looked passed the rough patches, arguements and playful quarrels, could a endearing bond be found. Whether it was true love or not - nobody knows. In fact, the couple are still baffled at times about that matter. But our love for eachother surpassed any obstacles and till this day, i have a wonderful and insightful person to be thankful for, for having experienced some of the best times, despite my dysthymic life.

One could say.. She is to me as Mania is to Bipolar Disorder. The ever bright, whimsical one with dreams and aspirations. The part of me I could have sworn I was, with my eyebrows furrowing as I search inside myself, whilst being shadowed by fear and depression. She is who I am. Or was... She is who I wish I could be. In many ways, we are one.

Melancholia

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 11:48:00 +0000

Have a thought in my mind

But no words to say

Have a story to tell

But the page is blank

Heavy hearts are meant to cry...

Then come the sighs and lullabyes

Those silent moments between the highs

The pouring melancholy that sets you free

But when awake, wont let you be

A storm is brewing

The weatherman has been absent too long

Too much care is gone

Cloaked by dark clouds that dont give a damn

Theres always heaven, I say

But so overdue are the crimson streams

....

Madiha M.K

Bento Dreams: Planning Lunchboxes for University!

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 05:14:00 +0000

I've been surfing the net like crazy during my juice fast, with my mouth watering over several gorgeous and delicious raw vegan recipes (yeah didn't know raw could look THAT good!). Also, I've been looking up bento lunches, which are japanese lunches at JustBento . I'm supposed to gently break my fast next Monday with mostly raw veggies and fruits. So here are a few Raw and Cooked foods I'm thinking about making for my lunches (Or the upcoming breaking fast-days).

Raw:

Hemp Seed Truffles

I love the idea of these. However, I can't get hemp seeds, so I think I'll use sesame seeds or almonds instead :). Maybe even dilute the raisins with some leftover juice pulp. Recipe here.

Raw Brownie

Now this is something I've been craving for a while! Brownies :D. Recipe here.

Lunch Froodles

When I saw this, I thought to myself "why don't I just peel fruit into strips like zucchini pasta??". I hadn't thought of it before, and this dish looks delicious! I think I'd skip the papaya and use banana instead. Maybe reduce the avocado and add some pine nuts and pomegranate seeds. Yum! Recipe Here.

Spring Veggie Namul with Crabstick

Although this is a Japanese side dish, I'd totally make this my main lunch dish! I absolutely have a weakness for crab sticks, they are probably my most favorite food ever. I'd probably marinate these veggies instead to be less crunchy and mimic that cooked texture, and substitute the crab sticks with real crab or roasted cashews/pine nuts. Recipe Here.

Easy Lunch Lasagna

It's all about texture. Who would have thought that slicing cucumbers like pasta would look and sound so good?? I LOVE this idea! Unfortunately I don't have access to nutritional yeast for the pine nut cheese, but I'll use commercial vegan cheese instead :3. Recipe Here.

Japanese Omelet

I've always wanted to try these ever since I've watched anime and BOF. However, since these are eggs, I won't be able to for quite some time (I'll be detoxing post juice fast). So I remembered raw dehydrated cinnamon banana pancakes I made when I went raw for 30 days two years ago. If I just dehydrate it on low heat in the oven overnight, it should be gummy enough to roll :3. add some walnut bits to the mix, then drizzel liquid stevia on top and you're good to go! I think I'll use a third of the flax seeds mentioned.

I'll have to finish this post later. the neice wants my comp! lol.

Day 7 and 8: Juice Fasting

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 01:15:00 +0000

Day 7: I think I felt the best on this day!! I had so much energy that I stayed up till 6am! lol. I noticed a pattern here, my energy levels tend to be higher at night. Either because my sleeping schedule is off (I wake up at noon), or I tend to drink more juice at night. Weight: 66.7 kg.

Day 8: Today was a little slow and sluggish. I felt weak and tired. But its because I didn't have proper breakfast (only half a glass of melon juice). My mom takes insulin so she needs to drink a lot of juice at one sitting, so I woke up to no more juice left for me :(. I was too weak to fix myself anything other than little melon juice and just had green tea with honey (which is so filling and satisfying!). Another pattern I've noticed is I tend to stay the same weight for two days straight, or even gain, but then on the third day I drop about half a kg. Weight: 67.3 kg.

On another note, university starts this Sunday! It's the 2nd half of my third year studying Broadcasting. Subjects I'll be taking are Studio Production, Video Production, Broadcast Writing (Arabic this time), Broadcast Performance (also in Arabic this time! boy the tables have turned) and Introduction to Management. Last semester I took writing and performance in English, and was top of the class, although I got a D- and B- due to lack of course work...Now I'm gonna watch all the Egyptian students excel in these courses, while I'll be the one behind!

May Be Moving Blog to Wordpress

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 04:44:00 +0000

I've recently been wanting to blog from my iphone, but I'm unable to work the app...so among other reasons, I've decided to move my blogger blog to wordpress. It's the same url, except wordpress is the sub domain : http://www.maddiethehijabi.wordpress.com

I'm not 100% sure if I'll finalize the move. What do you guys think? I'm starting to wonder if its worth it lol. To be honest, wordpress surpasses blogger in so many things...

Day 6 on Juice Fast! My Progress so far

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 13:48:00 +0000

I haven't blogged in a while. And I've been wanting to blog about my first juice fast experience :3. It's been 6 days so far. I was inspired by a documentary called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead", which documented a man going through a 60 day juice fast. He had AMAZING results! And all the people that followed him too :3. I went out and bought a juicer the next day (Philips Hr1861, the Juice Master uses it a lot).

At first I intended to do it to detox. Cuz God knows I need to lol. Also to improve my PCOS and other ailments. But when I saw the weight drop off those people, I was supercharged with inspiration to do it to lose weight too!

I'm only doing this for 10 days only though, then I plan to slowly incorporate solids in my diet such as raw veggies and fruits, smoothes..etc. I'm currently collecting a bunch of yummy raw food recipes for my transition :3.

So let's recap :

Day 1: Went fairly easy, unexpectedly. I suppose fasting Ramadan and other days has helped increase my stamina and discipline when it comes to food, esp reduced hunger pangs. Weight: 70.5 kg.

Day 2: This is when the hunger pangs started kicking in much harder lol. Then I had intense food cravings and fantasizing about all kinds of bad foods like pizza, hamburgers and such. But to be honest, I craved eating an apple more lol. I missed solid food. I also experienced some weakness and sleepiness. But this is to be expected. Weight: 69 kg.

Day 3: Hunger pangs, cravings and weakness continued. I've read its normal to go like this, or literally feel like crap the first few days, so I held on. I didn't feel horrible, but just didn't feel great. Weight: 68.6 kg.

Day 4: Pretty much the same as the day before. Weight: 68.2 kg.

Day 5: I started feeling my energy coming back, even more than before! It was great. My cravings and hunger pangs have also disappeared. But I think the energy had something to do with having my first pure fruit juice the night before, which gave me insomnia cuz I didn't know what to do with that energy! I guess vegetable juices for a few days made my blood sugar a bit low. Or , I dunno. Actually, I realized something by then, that I hadn't been drinking ENOUGH. I was only drinking maybe three 5oz glasses a day. And I read that you need to drink between 16-32oz a day! So I upped my juice intake. However, I found out I didn't lose any weight due to two glasses of pure fruit juice (which was SUPER SWEET O.O) the night before. Weight: 68.1 kg.

Day 6 (today): I feel pretty good like yesterday :). Not weak or anything if I just have a glass of sugary fruit juice in the morning. It was very sweet too, a bit too much for my taste too lol. It was a combination of grapes, apples and orange. I usually drink green juices such as carrots, cucumber, celery, kiwi, broccoli, zucchini, ginger root, beets, lemon, with apples for mild sweetness. Of course I variate these ingredients. Weight: 67.7kg (I subtracted 200 grams for clothes, although I should subtract half a kg).

I'll keep you updated as I go! :)

New Hijab Video Tutorial! "Violet"

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 16:06:00 +0000

Hijab Style Tutorial: "Violet"

A unique, cute voluminous headscarf style with a bit of bling. :3

Note: Obviously, the earrings you should use on your scarves should be the hook type. Don't use on delicate fabrics.

**For tutorials on how to make your own volume scrunchy/Flowerpin/Underwrap:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_shBOkkOM-o&feature=mr_meh&list=PLDB1C...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZD8XNdQg-FA&feature=BFa&list=PLDB1C838...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvADG4CN5bM&feature=BFa&list=PLDB1C838...

Special thanks to Resnemee and Dina Tokio for those wonderful tutorials! :).

Sorry for the delay! Had some rendering problems during editing. Unfortunately those stars didn't render correctly and it took me days trying to fix it. But..well I gave up lol. Silly, I know.

This was initially for my 3 Eid hijab tutorial special, but the last two didn't make it on time, so here it is as a separate video and style.

Eid Special: Hijab Style Tutorial #1: "Haifa" [HD]

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 13:14:00 +0000

Yay!! Finally! Hehe. Here ya go :). This is one of the three tutorials I made for Eid. The next two will up in a few hours. Enjoy! :). No Men Please ^_^.

Eid Special: Hijab Style Tutorial #1: "Haifa" [HD]

Hijabulous for Eid 2011!! 3 Tutorials tomorrow insha Allah

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 01:45:00 +0000

Asalam 3aleykom!!!its been soooo long since ive posted anything. Ramadan Kareem :).

Im glad to tell you girls that im currently editing a special eid hijab tutorial video, that features 3 styles. Now, they might look over the top to some, and lacking pizazz for others, but i'd like to think ive created a balance between festive and modest.

Im no longer going to just make tutorial vids. I also aim to address the mind , body and spirit in my upcoming "series". Because as you grow, you learn, and although im no way perfect, id like to share what ive learned. I also will teach myself new things as a lesson for myself and share it with you. So sharing the information will hopefully force me to better myself insha Allah. Does that make sense?

Anyway ive had to ask myself over and over the reason why ive decided to make videos again. At first i thought it was the attention. Its nice to have but i dont need it. What i realized is that i wish someone had shared these tutorials, knowledge or whatever with me when i was younger. So i see myself in a lot of my younger viewers. I also realized that i truly love my sisters out there, and i want to make them happy somehow. So many girls were disapointed at me for leaving and not answering their requests, so i feel bad. The ladt reason is because i feel like i need to correct the message i gave in the past, which was a bit superficial. So may Allah guide me and everyone and i prAy my iman doesnt weaken while i try my best to give something back.

Video RANT in response to SimmoneAnn's "I'm not perfect" video.

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 15:27:00 +0000

In reponse to:

Dedicated to all them youtube trolls and haram police that keep harassing SimmoneAnn and other girls like her!!!

Coca Cola Muslim Generation by Abdur Raheem Green

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Thu, 19 May 2011 23:06:00 +0000

Please watch till the end!! Very eye opening.

Lmao

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Mon, 02 May 2011 10:59:00 +0000

I can't believe Americans are rambling bullshit about bin ladens death... He didn't do 9/11!! As I recall... It was an inside job. Even if he did, where the he'll is the body? And oh...how convenient that he got buried at sea so quickly!! Awww. WTF!!! Wheres the evidence. Where are his real ties to the etc attacks? Why was bush just sitting there when the second plane hit.... Why were fighter planes put off? Why was there explosions that collapsed the towers perfectly straight by design??? How the f does an airplane melt that kind of steel!! Son of a bitch... People are cheering in the US about it... This is insane!!! It's just like our poor Egyptians that believe the army and think the revolution wasn't rigged...(it was partially)....

Sent from my iPhone

No Words

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 07:48:00 +0000

No Words

by ~MaddieTheHijabi

Why can't I find the words
That describe how I feel
Around you, this world melts
From the fire in my heart
Burning inside, when I look into your eyes.

You make my heart smile
And just for a moment
I live a story in your presence
I could swear it is real
The whiff of a dream I can't remember.

Casual moments with you
Are passer-by feelings
Miniscule and evanescent
But not insignificant
Calm and assuring, till the flames return.

Sparks come my way
When you look at me
Or when I catch you alone
Your fleeting expressions of love
Ignite and rekindle the flames

You are anything but ordinary
In our ordinary times
These are just the pauses
Between our love's apogees
You mean everything to me.

But still, no words can describe
What I feel for you, or what we have
If anything, these lines are nothing
Compared to how I feel inside
It's just a silly poem, put it out of your mind.

If I said..

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 22:21:00 +0000

If I said I was content without singing..
Or felt so alive without strumming,
That I'll be fine without playing the pages,
On the piano that's been my friend for ages,

Or that I'd soar without voicing,
This pain inside that's choking
Or regret committing sins
All for the urge to live

That I'd be happy without it,
The one thing I never doubted,
Could cleanse me of my filth
Just for a little while I wilt

Or that I'd never regret scolding,
This dream I long have been holding,
At the bottom of my heart,
While my world falls apart,

I'd be lying.

________

Funny how the urge to write poetry comes after so many YEARS of even thinking of lyrics/poems. It came up when I was thinking of posting about how I've been returning bit by bit to piano playing and guitar, maybe even a little singing (to myself). But writing music and singing is like the man I love but can never have..

Powerful Quote I heard from someone

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 19:45:00 +0000

"We are our own obstacle to success"' ~Z.M

I read that and went...O.O

Of course I realized that, but it awoke that realization.

Friends..

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 23:38:00 +0000

I'm effin' sick of not being able to go out. How else am I supposed to interact with the outside world, and make friends? I have so many friends but I have none at all, at the same time. We grew apart. And none of them were close except for two, of whom I can no longer hang out with anymore cuz one moved and the other...well her parents hate me.

Of course I wouldn't be feeling this way if my bestie Su was here. But she isn't..

It's that cycle again. Coming back round for depression. Notice that I haven written a post in a while? Well cuz I was perfectly fine. And I thought of writing posts during that time, but I didn't really have much to talk about except college, and nothing much happens there.

I'm not going to wallow this time. I promised, well not really, I sort of have a conscious agreement not to.

I've been so numb lately. I don't even have the intention of praying anymore...and thats HORRIBLE. I realize it. But it feels like I'm the victim of desensitization, that television frequently causes. I think maybe I just put a lid on it..then I pop like an exploding pressure cooker., Weird example o.O.

I'm just so sick of being alone like this. I mean I can barely spend decent time with my fiancée, cuz he's working hard to graduate insha Allah.

I've tried to get close to some girls in my class...but it gets really awkward sometimes, due to mentality differences.And I feel a bit anxious and on the line when talking to them sometimes... . My father raised a good introvert.

I hate my father for that. I really passionately hate him for that. For alienating me. Making my social life hell. I have to watch everyone else having fun and hanging out, going out with their girlfriends and doing things with them, and I can't..Why? Because my father has a freakin anxiety attack everytime I bring the "Can I go out with so and so on thursday?". He makes it really strict. I'm only allowed to go out with friends, if they are girls (dont mind that part at all!) and if we go out within the city I live in.

Just one problem there...THERES NOTHING TO DO IN MY CITY. It's like a small town. And NO ONE WANTS TO GO OUT OF THEIR WAY FROM CAIRO TO SEE ME.

I mean seriously...I'd rather go to Cairo. Oh I forgot..My dad or bro have to be effin available to drive me and drive me back. My bro said, awkwardly that If I wanted to go out with some friends, he'd take me, and that's he's available, even if in Cairo....But...

I DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS . AHAHAHA. AHAHA THATS FUNNY. I actually said that to my bro btw...."What friends?". It hit me like a metal chair in my head by Steve austin.
Besides, trying to get to know the girls in my class is not only social anxiety for me but, we BARELY HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON. Oh, and its super weird for my bro to see me at those vulnerable times, or even having a good time, cuz...its just weird. We're not like that o.O. I'm totally numb around him and want it to stay that way :D. Okays..

I have no close friends.

Just Su. And my Fiancée.

I Ask Of You

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 03:01:00 +0000

I'm crying now.

What is wrong with me?

Failure

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 02:34:00 +0000

Every time I get into a phase in my life, lately, I either end it before it starts or quit once I start lacking. It's become a vicious cycle.

Here I am, once again, contemplating to abandon something I've been doing, due to a slight rise in anxiety from my exceptional lateness, which then just makes me more late because...I become more anxious. No wonder why I suck at university.

I feel crippled and debilitated by the smallest amounts of fear and anxiety, it disgusts me. Literally disgusts me. Then that disgust becomes the shovel for a bigger hole I'd dug for myself.

You know what. It really doesn't help to talk to anybody about this. Beating me while I'm down, is the pity others afflict upon me. That just further reminds me of what a failure I am. It doesn't help not to talk to anybody either.

I feel like I'm spiraling down a tornado. You know what's funny, I'm actually quite mentally healthy the first half of the time. I'm always ignoring negativity towards my plans and very determined. I get all excited and prepared. All blown up. Till I deflate. I'm starting to wonder if this is hormone related (which is impossible in my mind, because of how my dad blames all my mom's anger at him on *rolls eyes*) or Bi-Polar Disorder. How else can you explain that I'm perfectly fine at some times and then others I'm FUCKING SHIT?

Sorry about that...carrying on...

I'm probably the worst employee an employer could hire. The worst friend someone can rely on. The worst student a teacher can expect from. I'm just a bag of good ideas and good intentions. But rarely deliver. Wow. I might as well put that in my CV and cut the bullshit.

Why does this happen to me? It's not like I want it this way! It feels like I'm walking in a park and someone takes a bat and hits me right on the back of my knees.
You know, my last therapist took the liberty to use his sessions to point out how I should just DO. Well ...listen up...It ain't that easy. Nor does my fiancée really understand either. He means well when he tells me I can do better than this, and that I shouldn't let things affect me or whatever...but that "mars" talk don't translate for me. He does however, know how to make me feel better with the right attitude.

Here I lay again in my self-dug hole.

Flirting with Anxiety

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 05:50:00 +0000

More like it's flirting with me.

I've been having waves of anxiety every now and then the past few months, in the midst of withdrawing from prozac and other anti anxiety medication. The spring semester is starting in a week or two, and the other day I was going to university to pay my tuition. As I laid in bed, self reminded of the what was supposed to be an unavoidable outing, a rush of panic overwhelmed me. It felt like I was injected with a bad drug. I'll admit, it wasn't that strong...but nonetheless effective to get my nerves going.

I was getting ahead of myself inside my head. I knew it even at the time. But it was hard to stop my heart from racing. It amazes me every time how the thought of university spikes my adrenaline.

Well I didn't go that day, due to some unfathomable reason my brother mumbled to my dad. Thankfully, anyhow.

I did go the next day, however. I suppressed any reaction to the word university as much as I could and surprisingly it wasn't that hard. I think my worst fears of university are seeing the teachers, assistants and students I've let down and "deceived". Also I don't want to see my "friends" either, rather I don't want them to see me. Well, I sort of got my wish yesterday, when I went. I didn't see anyone I could recognize accept for a classmate I don't really know. I stood in line to pay my tuition for about half an hour and left.

I just don't know how I'll feel when I come face to face with my fears...although I thought I'd panic once I stepped foot in university. So time will only tell.

How I'm Doing Now

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 12:15:00 +0000

I got dragged into a lot of college work and stuff since I've last written a post. So how am I doing now, you ask?

Well, better in a lot of ways, worse in others :P.

I'm withdrawing from my antidepressants now, which is confusing as to whether that is a good or bad thing. Good: getting those nasty drugs out of my system! Bad: I heard prozac withdrawal can include brain zaps! :-O. My anxiety has been slowly crawling back too, at least I'm worried it will...

I've gained a lot of weight. I don't know whether it is because of the medication or just cravings...I have been eating less healthy this past year but I used to eat wayyy worse in my teens and I never gained a pound. I think my metabolism has slowed down. Maybe the meds increased my appetite. Dunno. Although I have a cousin who is on medication similar to mine and she blew out.

I had to skip this fall's semester at university cuz I went to the US with my family for a month. Got to see my bestie for the first time in 4 years!! :))). I was so happy ^_^.

I've been noticing sparks of unusual anxiety rushes here and there..it's making me worried It'll escalate into a full blown panic attack one day. They are NOT pretty.

I'm truly ashamed of myself for having not continued making youtube tutorials. I'm still trying to iron down some issues I have...which makes me scared of going back to college too. I guess performance is down for me. I've just been spending time distracting myself. Beats thinking about it..eh...

Been playing Dream of Mirror Online (below), on and off with my fiance. It's the cutest anime style mmorpg ^.^ . Its fun and takes my mind off things. But it can be terribly addicting, or become terribly boring, as most online Mmo's are :P.

My Fiance and I playing DOMO.

Downloading a new mmorpg to try, called Neo Steam, right now. Can't wait to see what it offers. I'm always looking for online portals to meet up with friends online :P.

Can anyone recommend a really good role playing PC game? My favorite is The Longest Journey, and Dreamfall. Got anything as good in mind? Let me know. *fondles chin*.

I'm such a horrible friend...I disappear for days (or months in some cases) at a time! I know I shouldn't...but sometimes I can't bring myself to talk to anybody when I'm in the low...so dont take it personally :(.

Hmm dunno what else to add...guess thats it for now! Maybe I'll do a post about DOMO ^^ later.

Went to new shrink today

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 23:40:00 +0000

How was it?

Well she just interviewed me like a test subject for 20 mins and then prescribed me some more anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. LAST THING I NEED, THANKS. BTW she is my last shrinks sister -_-.

I'm too stressed out to type it again all here so:

Maddie says:
*I almost had a nervous breakdown outside the hospital after my session
ValleyGurlFrmHell says:
*are you alright now
*what happened
Maddie says:
*im okay, yeah
*F-ing bitch thinks im a pill machine. WTF. I'm here to sort out my problems, not be a junky!
*it was a lame ass 20 minute INTERVIEW. not therapy...and we talked about my MOTHER and family more than about me.
*now she's replacing my prozac and buspar with stronger ass shit
*zoloft and some other crap...effexor
*i knew my dad shouldnt have taken me to a psyCHIATRIST
*I need a psychologist. not to pop pills in that make me feel less depressed BECAUSE IT PUSHES IT FURTHER INSIDE
*i was yelling to mohammed on the phone after i was done and crying like crazy in the street. thankfully there wasn't anyone around

I hate it so bad. Now I HAD to take one of my new pills, effexor, beacuse sadly...lately buspar hasn't been getting rid of the feeling like i'm running while im trying to sleep...

Please excuse my language...I was angry..

Want to disappear

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 14:08:00 +0000

Its quiet in here. My mom and brother are asleep. Im contemplating sneaking out the front door and going for a long walk to nowhere.

I want to just get dressed, get out and get lost somewhere. Turn up my ipod, and forget everything. Leave it all behind. Change. Run away.

Turn off my cell and have no care in the world about anyones concerens.

Just...marvel at the outside world and reflect. In peace. Alone.

Test: This post is supposed to go to muslimness.com

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 01:41:00 +0000

In the name of God, compassionate & merciful بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ | Peace be with you السلام عليكم

I'm living proof of what it's like to be a quitter. To let my emotions get in the way, and lose things that were important to me.

I left many things that I desired and once had a passion for, or an obligation. Studying, exams, friends and even music.

For the first time in my life, I was seriously working and doing my best at what I needed to do, four months ago. I was working on what I had a passion for, Hijab Styling on Youtube, a few months before that as well.

But I awoke from those dreams too soon.

I think Chief Editor of Muslimness and viewers/readers deserve an explanation for my inability to commit.

I Suffer From Chronic Depression

There. I said it.

Of course, if you read my personal blog (or watched OMGhijabis), you'd already know that. You'd also already know that I've been suffering from very troublesome anxiety and panic attacks for the past year, and went to therapy in September of 2009. But you probably didn't know that I've suffered from depression since I was 12, at least.

I was diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder. It's basically a mild form of Chronic Depression, which can mimic an anxiety disorder (of course, accompanying depression). Although it's labeled as "mild", depressive episodes can be very...very draining and - well, basically you just want to sleep 20 hours a day.

I've been on medication for the past 4 months now. Prozac, Stablon, Buspar and Inderal. All of them just simply make me unable to cry to sleep, or have those nasty anxiety symptoms and attacks (racing heartbeat, shortness of breath, outburst of uncontrollable crying and screaming, shaking). But I can still feel...and when I do; it's all bottled up inside and I can't let it out. That's exactly how it feels.

So I sleep....and I sleep. And I push things aside, and try to worry about them another day. Just so I don't have to feel so torn up inside, all the while it gets worse and worse.

I've lost care and interest. Simply...in most things I used to love. On top of that, I hate myself for it. Which doesn't make things any better.

If someone out there reading this, suffers from chronic depression, or anxiety, know that I am 100% with you. I know how it feels.

I know what it's like to sleep with a headache and stuffy nose. I know what it's like to scream/cry my head off in pillows so no one hears. I know what it's like to feel something terribly wrong, but not have the faintest clue as to what.
I know what it's like to have the URGE to just slice my veins open, in hopes that I could drain all this negativity that just hangs on my heart and won't let go.

I know what it's like to feel so numb, so disconnected, so careless, so....inhuman. Especially on medication. I know what it's like to screw up almost every opportunity I had for success. I also know what its like to grow up in a family that got me used to that idea.

I know what it's like to feel alone, no matter how many people are around you, or how many loved ones support you. I know what it's like to be beyond reasoning and logic, and drown in my own sobbing mess.

I know what its like to be able to enjoy life and laugh for a few days (or weeks), then lay in bed and stuff my face with food and distractions for the rest of the week(s). It's almost as if I'm bipolar, but so far that's not what my therapist thinks.

Will I finally get rid of all this? Will I get through all of it? Will I finally be cured? Will I finally get up and do what I need to do? Will I ever stop beating myself up and move on? Will I ever stop thinking about bashing my head into the wall and cutting myself?

I don't know. That's up to Allah. And that's also up to my therapist...whom so far hasn't been doing a good job. Hopefully I can go back to new therapist next week. Someone who'd actually have more than 5 minutes for a session.

Will I ever making hijab tutorial videos or blog posts?

I honestly don't know. I hope so..but you have to understand the weight I get on my shoulders...It's not easy. Not like you think. Esp when you're trying to do it to hopefully make money and get your family out of a tough financial downtime.

This smokey clouded burden seems light, but weighs a ton. My fiance sure does help with the weight, but it's like there's this demon inside of me that keeps pulling me under every once in a while.

I wish you all happy moments and love in your lives. I want to say thank you to everyone who has put up with me through my personal BS. It means a lot. And I certainly owe a lot to a lot of people.

To those who suffer like me: GET HELP.

Don't wait years like I have, and still am. I don't care how old you are. If you're 12 and don't want to tell your parents you want therapy, get an aunt or uncle to help you. Anything!

And I wouldn't rely on medication if I were you. I can't wait to resort to a more natural lifestyle to get rid of it, instead of using meds that have even hundreds of side effects (true, Prozac has that many).

I guess this is goodbye.

Salam Aleykom :).

I pray you have all the love in the world and peace :). <3

(Sorry if this sounded melodramatic, but I thought it was time to let it out in the open, and hopefully, let go sometime soon.)

By Madiha M.K

This is how he makes me feel inside...^.^

noreply@blogger.com (Madiha M.K) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 18:06:00 +0000

This video and song remind me of how we are together, and what he means to me. I love you baby!! ^.^