In my last post, I shared Michelle Weiner-Davis’ insight that women nag their men because they want to be more connected.  Here is more from Michelle.  Men, don’t feel relieved if your woman has stopped nagging you.   Women stop nagging when they have given up.  And when they give up, they start planning their exist!  My advice: Men always pay attention to your woman, do your part to nurture the relationship.  Daily!

Best-selling author and marriage therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis has an interesting twist on why women nag their partners.  According to Michelle,  “… a woman’s complaining has much more to do with her desire to feel close to her partner, to feel connected, than it has to do with her need for the dishes to get done.”  Michelle instructs men to take their partners’ nagging as an invitation to plan some quality time with their partners.

Ever have one of those conversations that totally frustrates you because no matter what you say, your partner doesn’t understand what you are saying?  You end up repeating the same thing over and over again in slightly different ways trying to make your point.  And your partner is meeting you head-on trying to make his point with equal vigor and no success. 

In response to these types of situations, author Elizabeth Gilbert and her husband Felipe say “let’s be careful.”  Renowned marrige therapists, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz-Gottman,  say “we’re going universal.”  Lewis and I say we’re “spinning.”  These expressions are code words that each couple created for these unproductive rants filled with blame that can happen when “people get so tired or frustrated that the mind becomes deluged (and deluded) by anger.”  The words “always” and “never” will be ever present.

In our relationship, we have agreed that the first one to notice that we have entered the “spin zone” can say, “Hey, we are spinning.”    The other one nods in agreement as we put our fingers to our lips signaling shhhhh.  If we need to we  distance ourselves until the anger or frustration subsides.  We then rummage through our relationship toolbox and consider a better way to communicate our message.

“No one can persuade another to change.  Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside.  We cannot open the gate of another,  either by argument or by emotional appeal.” –Marilyn Ferguson.   When we enter a relationship, we must accept the person as he or she is.  We should not commit to a relationship based upon what we think a person can become.  First of all, we do not know for sure that a person wants to change in the way that we would like him or her to change.  Second, even if a person wants to change, fundamental change can be quite difficult.  What you see is what you get.

“Action expresses priorities.”  Ghandi

“Are you ready to make nurturing your relationship a priority?”    Madly In Love Forever-Chapter 14

One way to nurture the relationship is to develop shared interests. In Chapter 14, “Take Time To Nurture Your Relationship,” we suggest that if you don’t have a shared interest, then create one or stretch yourself and look into something your partner loves doing and join them.

So where did I find myself last Saturday morning?  In the Open Space Studio Spin Class. Why? Lewis had been talking about his spin class for months and I wanted to do something with Lewis that he loves doing. It was a stretch because other than Susie Hathaway’s Strength Training classes, I never developed the “go to class for exercise” habit. I prefer to walk in my nearby woods or exercise on my treadmill with my Ipod in tow.

Spin class was exhilarating as it encouraged me to go beyond my exercising edge.  I got a great workout and saw the different cycling positions that Lewis had told me about.  We went out to breakfast afterwards and our lively conversation sent wonderful vibes into our relationship. I liked what I was feeling inside of myself-the stirrings of feeling madly in love forever!

“To believe in something and not live it, is dishonest!”  Ghandi

Today Diane and I celebrate our wedding anniversary.  I am still Madly In Love Forever with her.  As our life together progresses, I continue to find new things to appreciate about Diane.  When I think about our relationship, the saying “You can never step in the same river twice” comes to mind.  As individuals, Diane and I continue to push ourselves in the direction of growth.  So as we change, our relationship changes.  We are each like that flowing water in the river, ever new and changing.  However, undernearth that flowing water there is a river bed that is ever-present.  In our relationship, our love and commitment are like that river bed-always there admist the rapid changes we all seem to be experiencing these days.

There is freedom in committed Love.  I am grateful that my marriage has gifted me that.

I wish you all a Madly In Love Forever year.  Love to you all.
Lewis

Recently, I bumped into a friend at the grocery store.  Her daughter was in another state for 6 weeks to spend time with her father.  Oh! Did that trigger my memory. For about 14 years I sent 3 children off to visit their father in another state.  Here’s what worked for the children and me: 

1. If possible have a friendly discussion with your former spouse and ask about the summer plans in a non-interrogating manner.

2.  Plan with your children how you will stay in touch while they are gone.  I used to call once a week at a time when I knew they would be home. I enjoyed emailing them and occasionally I would send a letter for a fun change of pace.

3.  Pack together and be sure your children have whatever makes them feel comfortable.

4. Remind your children that the other parent loves them and is excited about spending time with them.  Encourage your children to enjoy themselves. Be happy that your children will be having a new experience.

5. Plan to have fun and take care of yourself. I rode my bike more, took dance lessons, organized my home, completed unfinished projects or started new ones I could complete. I traveled with my mother, had girlfriends for lunch and treated myself to massages! Enjoy as much as possible as they will be back before you know it!

While my children and I all had fun during our time apart each summer, we were always happy to be reunited.

Bristol Palin, daughter of Sarah Palin, broke off her engagement to Levi Johnston for the second time recently.  This made us think about couples we know that break up and get back together again constantly.   Sometimes there is an important issue in the relationship that breaks it apart, such as when an important life goal of one partner conflicts with a goal of the other partner.  This is the classic irreconcilable differences and the partners go their separate ways.  At times, one partner may wonder if the relationship is more important than his/her individual goal.  If he/she answers “yes” he/she seeks to return to the relationship.  All is fine until the importance of the life goal once again dominants and then its time to break up again.  We’d love to hear from any of you who have weathered multiple break-ups with the same partner and ended up Madly in Love Forever.  Please share.

“Sometimes a minor change in your behavior isn’t enough to get the results you want. That’s when you need to make a complete U-turn.”  Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Keeping Love Alive.

Here is her simple approach:  

1. What is bothering you? What’s the problem?

2. Ask yourself how you have been handling the problem up until now?

3. What could I do that is the complete opposite of how I typically handle the problem?

After this Michele suggests taking action. We agree wholeheartedly and in our Madly In Love Forever Coaching we go as far as to suggest that “ nothing will change in your relationship until you step out in faith and take action.”

Find a support system to help you with this new action.  Watch what happens to your partner’s behavior in response to your change. It only takes one of you to break the pattern.

Good luck, let us know how you do.