madsjensenfotoblog

First

2009-07-22T08:05:00.001-07:00

I´ve made up my mind. Im going to India - or somewhere down that part of the world, to find a Guru - who want to teach me in everything about life, God, Death and so on.
I´ll ask her to go with me -
she´ll say no,
but i´ll ask her so i know - i Did ask her.
It´s ridicilous how much i miss her, it´s only a few months or so we havent, seen each other.
I think of myself like a
stupid school boy falling in love, with his much older and more wise teacher. It´s stupid
but i can´t help myself, and i dont want to either.
Why should i ?
Im in love
it hurts
it´s great!

Diana...
If somehow at any point in life - you´ll read this,
know - that i really cared for you.
I´ve never seen a woman wear a dress
like you.

Superficial for the unenlightened
but for he who love
it´s the truth

That´ll be the end

Blog closed

With love

Mads

First Picture

2009-07-22T08:01:00.001-07:00

First

2009-01-23T14:15:00.001-08:00

So. I havent wrote in here for a whole month, i know. Theres a reason. I´ve been thinking, and now – im not so much of a deep thinker, i takes a month for whatever, no no. I just didnt feel i had something to say. Actually i still dont have anything exciting to say.

Update:

Im in school

Writing on a book

Still clean

Still fucked

I will write a long one tomorrow – right now im tired.

With love

Mads

First Picture

2009-01-23T14:08:00.001-08:00

Sixth

2008-12-21T03:20:00.000-08:00

So, Christmas is coming. I was thinking about something yesterday. I felt alone, and suddenly i looked upon the stars and had this revelation! In some way i felt like... Home... Up there with the stars. It sounds stupid but, i really felt something like that. It was like: If all the stars are my friends - i´ve got more friends, family etc. Than anyone else! It felt comforting, i dont know what happened, i just felt it.

Something else:
I think the power-balance in the world are changing. People have gone way too greedy, and it is sickening! We see it all over the World. Madoff who stole billions of Dollars! Bagger here in Denmark who stole way less - but still a lot! Stocks all over the World are collapsing - not slowly but FAST! All over the world Greedy people are taking taking taking - it´s the only thing they now how to do! Isn´t it scary: Think about all the food we have in the world - and still, MANY MANY people go to bed hungry and die from hunger!

I think there will be a turnover in the power-balance! The worlds biggest economy-power: USA, will go totally bankrupt, just wait and see! And unfortunately it will not only affect innocent americans - it will affect the whole world! This power-turnover has to happen, so the world can learn from it´s mistakes. We are not designed to be egoistic and selfish - because if that was the case, every man and woman would have their own planet! No, we are made to be a group! We are made to work and live together, no matter what color, no matter what religion, no matter what the fuck! WE ARE MADE AS A GROUP!
How can YOU walk on the street with your Gucci-bag, expensive clothing and your Louis Vouitton shit, when children are laying on the streetside with empty stomacks! It´s disgusting!
It´s just materialistic shit! It´s nothing we need! Materialistic shit was made to make money!
And i hate when people go: "Well, i got an education i worked for it, why dont they!" When people say that they just try to justifie their sickening materialistic shit-world!
NOT ALL PEOPLE WERE BORN WITH A SILVERSPOON UP THEIR ASS!!! And the "Something for something" attitude is just a selfish line of act!
People who always want something for something are the same people who only lick their wifes pussy, if she blows them in return! WHAT THE FUCK!?!? Whats wrong with doing something for other people WITHOUT wanting something in return!?!
If youre a rich bastard and gives poor people money, or pays to some sort of organisation and think you go to "Heaven" or wherever when you die - YOU ARE WRONG! You are so wrong!
Only people doing good things - WITHOUT wanting something in return - will be put on the warm boats and drinking margueritas by the pool where ever we go, when its all over. (or actually this IS NOT what happens when youd die, and HELL doesn´t exist - different story, i´ll do that another day).

I heard this phrase from a beautiful woman, we spoke about making a difference if you ever got rich, and she said: "All your dreams as a young dreamer about the difference you will make, when you finally makes big money, will change when finally you´ve made the money!"
She´s right - thats how people think! But what these people forget is - THAT WHEN THEY MAKE THOSE BIG MONEY, NOWS THE TIME FOR THE BIG TEST! - WILL YOU DO, WHAT ALL YOUR DREAMS AS A YOUNG DREAMER ABOUT MAKING A BIG DIFFERENCE, WERE ALL ABOUT!?!?
Now - THAT is the time to show who´s got the balls and dare doing a big difference! Think about all the rich people out there driving in big cars, wearing expensive clothing, big jewels, and flashing fake nails or plastic-surgery or whatever!
A rich woman or man can wear for 1000´s of dollars on their bodys a day - 100 dollars can feed 200 people for a day in Africa with a BIG meal!!!

1% of Americas yearly weapon budget can feed THE WHOLE OF AFRICA - FOR A FUCKING YEAR!!! Now that´s fucked up!!! - (And NO, i DONT blame the average american for being american, thats not me).

And my country, Denmark - is fucked up to0!

People here in Denmark are so materialistic it´s FUCKING SICKENING!
Sorry for my language today - but i´ve had enough of this shit!

If you´re a rich materialistic fucker these days, youre time is up! Everything you´ve got in the bank will be gone! Your stocks will be gone! Your house, your boat, your jewels - fucking EVERYTHING!

- And it´ll be the best thing ever happened to you, you should be very grateful!

With Love

Mads

Sixth Picture

2008-12-21T03:18:00.000-08:00

Fifth

2008-12-16T07:34:00.001-08:00

Shitlife...

With Love

Mads

Fourth

2008-12-14T07:41:00.000-08:00

I miss playing music so fucking much. I almost got a new band up and running. I have some music mates i´ve talked with about a new band but. It´s just. Theres no one out there willing to really sell their soul to rock N Roll, but that´s excactly what i want!
I dont care about food, i dont care about materialistic shit, i dont care about fashion, or capitalistic shit! I care about music - Rock n Fuckin´ Roll!
Oh yeah, you´re right, i care about her. Shit, she´s coming soon - visiting me. I cant wait!!

I have this... Fantasy, were she sit´s on my bed and tell me to hold her tight...

I wish i had some photographs of her to look at, when i miss her, which is all the fucking time.
I keep dreaming of her. I have these trippy dreams were she kisses me and telling me everything will be allright, and we can be together.

I wish so

She asked me how come i feel so good, and made it throug in the end.

It was you...

When i saw you the first time, i got my beliefs in life back. Just looking at you reminds me of all the good in life, it´s you -

you made feel good, and got me through it.

I will be forever grateful,
you are so beautiful.

Can anyone imagine that?
Being so beautiful that someone just by looking at you, you would make that person feeling good again - being brought back to life, just by a look.

Now that´s beautiful...

With Love

Fourth Picture

2008-12-14T07:25:00.000-08:00

Third

2008-12-11T03:05:00.000-08:00

I feel good these days, i really do. It´s just. There´s so much i want to do.
Im thinking about running away from anything. Just pack my bags and leave. Actually im pretty close to do it. I dont feel very appreciated here in Denmark. People are always stressed or mad, or saying stupid things. I dont know. I cant think clearly right now. Later -

With love

Second

2008-12-04T10:04:00.001-08:00

I can´t let her go. Today was... Beautiful. SHE was beautiful! As always.
Everytime i think of her my heart starts to beat faster, it beats faster and faster and...
I miss her so much everyday. I miss her more than anything else in the world.
When she look at me, i get all... Blurry i guess. It´s hard to describe, because i´ve got feelings stronger than anything else i´ve ever tried in my life!
I just want to be with her, hold her in my arms and never ever let go!
Im so much in love with her, i don´t know what to do...
Fuck!
I think i´ve written like 5 songs about her, shit!
What´s happening? I am so much in love with her, it´s crazy!

I don´t know what to do? I really don´t, cause i don´t want to do something wrong, so she starts hating me or something. It´s weird i feel so afraid of the weirdest things, when im in love. Or that´s what i´ve just found out - cause i´ve never been so much in love as i am right now!
I can´t even write in a proper language - it´s patethic! I can´t focus my thoughts on anything else than her.

I wish she would call me.
Call me and ask me to meet for a cup of coffee, or just to meet up and chat. Just call me, so i could hear her lovely voice - and it is lovely, her voice :)

I wish she would kiss me the next time i saw her, or if i saw her sooner than our next meeting.

I wish i could hold her, singing songs for her while she falls a sleep.

I wish i could watch her sleep...

I wish i could kiss her...

With love

Second Picture

2008-12-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

First

2008-12-02T10:30:00.001-08:00

So i haven´t taken any pictures lately, that´s why i dont upload any today. Anyway, fuck!
I don´t know why but i´ve started to turn weird or something. It ain´t my medicine, i haven´t taken that shit for almost a year - the antipsychotic stuff, though all people think i still do.
It´s like, everything starts to grey out, i move more and more inside my own little world, i mean, fuck. Not in a bad way, it´s just. I find myself resonating about things i never thought id think about...

I start to remember why i did drugs in the first place, im going back to normal, and i hate it.
Things start to happen around people i know - i cant help it! I really can´t. I wish people would face the truth about our lives, what planet Earth really is all about, why we are here in the first place, and accepting all of it. But all people tend to close their eyes and denie all of it. Denie the facts. They can´t store the truth inside themselves.

I realize why i love her so much. Or actually i realized it the first time i ever saw her. Her and i are all the same. I think she know´s it. I can feel it. She starts to ask queation inside herself about who she really is, since me and her are so alike - but with two totally different lives.
We are alike. I don´t want to tell her, she has to find out herself.

Life is complicated

With Love

Fifteenth

2008-11-28T21:22:00.000-08:00

So, i was at the cinema yesterday - watching James Bond. Man, i need someone to go with me. I mean, i could call friends or whatever, but, i haven´t. I wish i could meet others like me out there. I´ve met a few, and it´s nice, but still.
I´ll just go outside to smoke a Joint.
My eyes have lost their color - i noticed it earlier today, or actually i noticed over a year ago. When i get sad and life goes bad, as it does sometimes, i lose the color in my eyes. They are blue by the way. Very blue. I´ve always got credits for my blue eyes and their power-color, so it pains me to see once again - they´ve turned more grey, as they sometimes do.

I´ve found this forum on the net which are for Indigos. This is a small piece from a personality-text i found on the Forum, which is taken from a book by Kabir Jaffe & Ritama Davidson:

One of the primary qualities that Indigo Souls carry is a heightened sensitivity. What this means is you feel deeper on both an emotional and an energetic level. You sense the emotional currents and moods in yourself or in other people. And on an energetic level you can sense the subtle vibrations of a person or a location. You can sense the vibrations from nature, machines, animals, etc.
You can sense beneath surface appearances to the "nuances" that are happening - if a person is sad or happy or collapsed - things like that. This gift allows you a deeper level of intimacy with life, because it allows you to be more fine-tuned in relating. At the same time, it brings you certain challenges. The majority of people are not aware of the energetic dimension of themselves. For example, something happens in an interaction and a person gets emotionally hurt. You ask them if they are okay, and they say that they are fine and nothing is wrong. But you can sense that they are hurt, that they are collapsed, that they are defensive, that something has shifted in them. You pick up these energetic subtleties quite accurately. However, most people don't register them so clearly, and are often in denial of them. It is often strange for you in communicating or interacting, because you want to relate to the truth of what is there, but the normal level of communication is based on the roles and masks that hide rather than reveal the truth. The result is that many Indigo Souls learn to distrust themselves. Instead of saying, "Well, I am seeing that this person is hurt, even if they are denying it.", you say to yourself, "Well, I must be imagining things, maybe I am just making it up". You may not trust yourself and your perceptions. This makes you a little bit insecure. Your gut level response is to the truth of what is there, but the situation makes you respond to the surface, and that is an untruth, it is a role, it is not solid.

One of the most important forces inside of Indigo souls is your sense of "calling" or "purpose". It can be felt in many ways - you may have a sense that you are here for a reason, or that you have something to do, or that you have something to unfold in yourself, or that you have something to contribute to the world. Whatever its form, this calling is often one of the strongest driving forces within Indigos. In many ways it may be the central point around which your life revolves.

That sense of making the world better is core to your purpose and your calling. It may take simple forms - perhaps making the world a little better by not doing other people harm, or helping people be a little happier in how you interact with them. Or perhaps your sense of purpose takes a more powerful form. Perhaps you desire to work in a profession that helps people, or to work with the environment, or a charity, or research for the greater good. There is a fundamental desire to do something with your life that makes a positive contribution. That feeling becomes more and more powerful over time.

You are here, as the old alchemists used to say, "to change lead into gold"...

Sounds crazy huh? But, you have no idea how precise the above text really is, and i just chose a small part of it!

Imagine walking the streets and absolutely anyone you´ll meet on your way carrying pain - you would not only feel that pain, you would carry it! Taking it on your own shoulders, no matter how bad you felt yourself! It sounds... Weird and, stupid - but that´s what happens.
I can´t control it! And i don´t wan´t to. Of course there will always be people which in some way or another can´t be helped. But...
I think it´s time to get back to who i really am. I´ve hidden myself in so many ways, and it´s so stupid because i denie who and what i really am.
It´s time to be myself again.
Oh yeah - my eyes turn Blue again everytime i go back to normal, looking forward to it.

With Love

Mads

Fifteenth Picture

2008-11-28T21:20:00.001-08:00

Fourteenth

2008-11-26T16:50:00.001-08:00

Far away from Heaven, first verse -

No one should ever tell us where we belong
its all wasted now everything is gone
blurry eyes shapes the morning which is close
you and i goes to hell its, all gone my darling

Oh man, just read about the terror attacks in India, it hurts inside my heart and scars my soul being a part of this sickening world sometimes. Killing innocent people for whatever cause it may be, is never okay! Denmark is a country which are free of so much pain in many ways. No nature disasters, no terrorism (yet), no weather which can kill us, no tornadoes, no earthquakes - yes, we are indeed lucky and blessed in so many ways, but still, there are so many ways we are not blessed at all!

I´ve been thinking too much today i think. Thinking about someone i met years ago. A girl. I met her when i lived at BUC (A home or institution if you like, for children and teenagers which can´t live at their own home with Mom and Dad for various reasons).
She was in many ways a special girl. To be honest she destroyed everything on her way, including herself, and no one ever listened to her or wanted to spend time with her at all. I remember i moved to another room when she moved in, and she got my room - which she completely destroyed - and all the pieces she let fire to on the floor, like a bunfire or something!
As time went by we slowly became friends, and she trusted me and told me about herself and other things - she didn´t tell anyone else. I felt truly blessed by trust.
But she was a girl in total pain... I could see it on her even the first time i met her, though she were good at hiding it.
At one point she told me she wanted to kill herself, and for the first time ever, i had to break her trust and tell it, to the people working at BUC which should take care of us.
But once i told them, and begged them to take me seriously and of course HER, they just told me - they would discuss what i´ve just told them (that she wanted to commit suicide) on meeting the upcoming week.
3 days after, she empties all bottles of pills in a locked locker, which she smacks open with her bare hands...
I felt so terrible. I felt guilt. I felt so, desperate.
Thank God she survived - but it was a REAL close call, and as i remember she actually took some damage to the liver afterwards.
I´ve been haunted for many reasons in my dreams at night, through many years now.
It´s fine, no big deal. But the dreams that really haunts me, are those were i feel hopeless and helpless for whatever reason,
and sometimes - life - is much more scary than any nightmare, and will haunt you down untill the last smile on your face, cut´s through your skin. And skin can be cut through by the most rusty, and blunt knife - it doesn´t take much more than that...

Does dessert always taste sweet?
Does darkness always have to be black?

Life ain´t what you want it to be -
life is what you are...

If you had the chance to talk to the world for just one time,
and one time only - what would you say?
Would you say anything at all?

The more it hurts to say goodbye - the better it´ll be when you meet the next one.

"The price of love" -
No matter the cost. No matter if you´ll lose your job, your expensive furnitures, your dignity or a life in pain - no matter what the cost, it will always be too cheap.

Tragedy only becomes tragedy - if you let it.

Mirrors don´t lie, but they can´t tell the truth.

Art becomes art the second it speaks through people, by peoples own voices.

If life actually turned out to be just fine as it is - would it be worth living?
Isn´t pain what really makes us appreciate, the times which we share in laughter and smiles?
Or doesn´t we share anything at all anymore? Is everything for sale?

Are YOU for sale ?

Don´t sell your love, your care, your loveliness and your beauty!
Make your love a gift and give it to someone who needs it -
make it a gift with no refund.

The only thing money and Love have in common is simply, you will die without just one of them.
Without just one of them, you will die slowly and painfully.

But compared to money - you will never run out of love.

It may be hard to forgive your worst enemy -
but it may be harder to fight him

Imagine if all the love in the World grow on a tree -
would it flourish?

Or would it turn into a forest...

With Love

Fourteenth Picture

2008-11-26T16:48:00.000-08:00

Thirteenth

2008-11-25T13:06:00.000-08:00

So there it goes... There it goes, down the drain...
Something happend today. She was... Different.
At first i just thought she had a bad day or something. All people got bad days, and if she had a bad day - that would be okay, it would be fine. But...
I felt. It was like she didn´t want me to be there at all!
She didn´t laugh much, she didn´t smile much. She wasn´t who she use to be. Something was clearly wrong. I dont hope she´s got problems at home or anything. Nah. I just think she´s faced the fact that i´ve been flirting with her, maybe she figured out i am in love with her - and of course turned cold. But, i wouldn´t say she turned cold, just different. Well, at least i got the point. She don´t want me, and she never wanted me at any point at all. I could feel it, can´t explain - i just... Felt it. Her eyes was different, her posture was different, she was more closed than she normally is - i mean. She looked like she hated me! I can´t explain it - it was like this chilling feeling which swept the room tight. I´ve been thinking all day, if it´s just me totally misunderstanding our meeting today, and her behaviour - but... I dont think i do. It was like she said: "NO, it will never, EVER become us! Forget it", and it felt terrible! I was in totally despair the more i pictured our talk today over and over in my head, thinking: What the fuck went wrong!
Arh shit, you know. I don´t give up easily, no guy should give up easily who´m ever he´s in love with, girls want to be fougth for - it´s just. It was like a sign today. I think i faced the truth. She dont want me, im her job, and nothing else.
And you know what - that´s okay, it´s fine, because i am her job!
I just hate these situations, were you have these big feelings for someone, and they don´t have just as big feelings for you, as you got for them. I think it´s unfair, and i don´t mean unfair because you´re in love with someone, and she doesn´t love you. I mean, just plain good feelings and excitement by seeing her and she just want to get it over with, when she see´s you, and doesn´t feel anything particular about you.
I can look forward the whole week to see her, and for her it´s just: "Let´s check the calender today, oh, that guy´s coming, that guy´s coming,that girl´s coming - okay".
It´s so fucking unfair, but what can you do, i mean. She don´t want me, i want her - i deal with it, i move on - end of story...
Am i sad about it?
YES, fucking yes im sad about it, it feels horrible. The girl im love with don´t want me, but like i said, what can you do?
There´s no need to make a joke out of myself, i think i´ll have to let it go. Let her go. Let her be who she was ment to be, for me.
What the Hell was i thinking!
I knew it! I fucking knew i shouldn´t have let me get those feelings for her, but i didn´t want to put whatever around me and hide those feelings away in a jar. I feel proud of myself for letting me feel what i feel. Sometimes love hurts - sometimes it feels good. Sometimes it makes you shine, and other times it gets you down. There´s no safe way to drive on the route of love. And yes, that´s how it should be!
The thrill, the unknown, the hurtings, the beauty. Love is like a disease - it spreads faster than anything else, and some people can live with it, and some people can´t - some people even die from it!
There´s no cure for love, there´s no medicine making you feel great again when it starts to fuck you up! And there shouldn´t be! Love hurts, so when it feels great - you appreciate it for doing so.
Im letting go. I´ll slowly letting her go, starting right now, and no - im not angry at her in any way. I could never be, she´s too special. And why should i be angry at her? There´s no reason to be. I´ve decided not to tell her how i feel, and eventually felt - about her, at any time. There´s no reason. Maybe she can´t deal with it, and starts getting weird or something. I´ll just keep it to myself. It´ll be my little secret,
and just as love - secrets can be both wonderful and scary.
I think my little "Love-Adventure" has been excactly those two things, and i am grateful after all.
Why shouldn´t i be -
Love makes you dream high above the skies,
and sorrow pulls you all the way down -
and i´ve always enjoyed flying, no matter how high it´s been, and how low i eventually would fall...

With Love

Thirteenth Picture

2008-11-25T12:51:00.000-08:00

Twelfth

2008-11-24T09:05:00.001-08:00

It´s monday - it´s cold, the snow keeps painting from above, on what some people migth know as Copenhagen, Denmark. I took a "Granny" before, meaning slept a little in the middle of the day. Tomorrow - oh yes tomorrow, i´ll hopefully see her.
I was thinking about death today, not that i want to die or anything, no - i was thinking about death in general. I think that were all here to learn something - and if we doesnt learn whatever we have to learn in this life, we´ll be facing the same issues and challenges in the next life. I´ve got lots of different views on life and death in general - i´ve always had, but i´ll share them at soem other time - slowly, so you can keep up with me.
I´ve started reading Slash´ Autobiography - it´s exciting for me, because i´ve always loved Guns ´N´ Roses. They were the first music i listened to coming to this world, and i´ve heard them ever since. And yes, i´ve heard "Chinese Democracy" - and NO - it is not Guns ´N´ Roses, enough said.

Ryan took off yesterday to Singapore - he was a guest teacher, which did some classes at my aunts yoga-school. My aunt is also a yoga teacher.

Man, tomorrow it starts all over. I´ll see her, i´ll miss her when i have to say goodbye to her - and i´ll think of her till next time we´ll meet again.
My depression is almost gone - thats good.
My life is going slowly straight up the road it has to go - thats good.
I´ve got cigarettes, i´ve got my music - i´ve got myself - and thats all good.
But there´s something which isn´t good. Im falling more and more in love with her!
I can´t help it, i just can´t help it.
Sometimes i pray for her. I don´t know who´m i pray to. I just pray, wishing her well. She deserves it.
I think it´s exciting being in love, because you know - scientists call it a psychosis, and i´ve been psychotic lots of times, and yes. It is almost like a fucking psychosis. It´s like the drug you need, but can´t afford - and you crave it. You crave it so badly it makes you sick and sorry.
I just, i can´t pull myself out of it. Not now. I want to be in love, i really do, it reminds me of all the good things in this world, and why we are here - for love!
Everyday passing by without her lying next to me, for me to look at her sleep is... It´s...
I think it hurts. Yes, the truth is - it hurts!
I dont fall in love with people, it happens 1 in every 50 years or so! But, i just can´t get her out of my mind.
But how do you explain a girl which has everything - that she needs you?! I mean, you can´t. I´ve decided just to be myself all the way through, and take it piece by piece.
I think i´ll ask her tomorrow why she thinks i still have skizo problems, because i don´t! But she knows if im recovered i can´t go at the center, were she is anymore. And then it´s bye bye - no more chit chat with ms. Love.
I mean, maybe she dont want to make the papers about were i am at the moment in life, so i´ll get thrown out, and also because she knows i benefit from being at the center, so why throw me out. Why make the papers and goodbye - when i benefit in my own way, by talking to her and so on.

Snoopy, our dog, is running around on my room. He´s such a nice dog.

I´ll see you all tomorrow.

Sleep tight or what else you do at night -

With Love

Twelfth Picture

2008-11-24T09:01:00.000-08:00

Eleventh

2008-11-23T02:44:00.000-08:00

Only two days till i see her again. I was out for a walk before flirting with the idea of dancing with her, at her office when i see her. Dancing to "Sea of love" or something - something beautiful like her.
I wish i could call her right now. Call her and say: "You know... Yes i dont know you much, i´ve got no status, no money, no future no nothing - but i fucking love you, and baby - if that aint enough... I´ll fucking love you even more!"
I dont feel inspired today, and im tired - i´ll write a long one tomorrow.

With Love

As always

Mads

Eleventh Picture

2008-11-23T02:39:00.001-08:00

Tenth

2008-11-22T11:16:00.001-08:00

I was thinking about something today.
I saw this old photography which i took of an old friend. He was "shooting" himself with heroin. Just the picture of him sitting there with the needle inside his skin, and the blood inside the syringe was... Terrible! I retouched the photo black and white back in the days when i took it, but that just makes it that more stronger!
Now let me share a secret with you -
Addicts take drugs, they get clean, they take drugs again - and at some point, MAYBE they get clean once and for all. I feel like i´ve reach the point were i truly feel, i can stay clean - forever. But! -
When i see photos like that today, it brings me back. You see, addicts get addicted to the needle - they would shoot water, if water were all they got! They want to feel the cold metal inside their skin, and watch and feel when the blood gets inside the syringe. It´s a feeling which cant be described, and most addicts are just as addicted to the drugs, as they are to the needle! So, looking at that picture... Fuck, you know, im right back in that particular feeling which i´ve known and loved and hated so much in my life.
As i said - i truly believe i can stay clean this time! I made the decision, not someone else - and THAT is a very important factor, to look at. You see, i didnt quit doint that shit, because someone said to me: "Mads, youre an idiot, you gonna die, it´s stupid, you´re a mess - STOP doing drugs!"
I quit the drugs - because i WANTED to. It was to many years of my life, which i´ve spent chasing highs on various pusher-streets and fuck, all the other fucked up places i´ve been and seen. I mean, shit...
Guilt...

Yes, i have guilt -

My ex-girlfriend, lets call her J as in Joan or something. Shit, she saw me in complete selfdestructive-mode. I mean, theres no doubt she loved me, though all this shit (When we met she didnt knew anything, and i was good hiding it.)
To bring an example which still haunts me to this day is for instance that time, were i went out to get a score, and when i got home, i could see she´d been looking in my bag, which were filled - and i mean FILLED with needles and shit!
She just sat on the sofa with tears in her eyes and looked... So sad...
She is such a good girl, which come from the most normal family - so for her it was a REAL shock! Trust me...

I´ve been thinking a lot today. You know the woman im in love with? I´ve been thinking about her ALL day, as always.
The reason im throwing her inside this text, is because - i´ve done SO terribly in my life. I´ve hurt so many people. And im not an evil person - im not! For instance, i´ve never - EVER, done criminal things to get my drugs! I would rather lay at my floor throwing up in pain, than hurting other people to get my drugs! But still, i´ve been an asshole, and i wanna make it up again! TO LIFE! If i had just one chance, just one shot - i would make that woman - the happiest girl in the world! I really would! She deserves someone, which tell her every night before she goes to bed - that she´s the most beautiful woman in the world, that she´s got a Divine soul, and that i love her - and i´ll tell it to her all over again when she wakes up.
Im totally in despair. I must - i MUST take the chance. I cannot sit as an old fuck, at some elderly-home knowing i didnt tell her! Knowing that i didn´t take the shot!
I´ll tell her soon -
real soon.

I´ll tell her that i love her -
and always will

With Love

Tenth Picture

2008-11-22T11:15:00.001-08:00