Magick Sandwich

Radiant Tampons: Product of the Week

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 23:15:00 +0000

I've seen some odd stuff--everything from scrotal wash to anal bleach--but never at my local pharmacy. So when Tampax Radiant Tampons turned up at Walgreen's, it piqued my interest. I found this description on the Tampax website:

"New Tampax Radiant tampons give you an ultimate protection experience like never before!"

Radiant? Does it double as a flashlight? Is it a nuclear energy source? Does it glow in the dark? I have to admit, that could come in handy during a blackout. Or a rave.

"The Radiant tampon features FormFit™ protection that gently expands to fit your unique shape...."

I've always assumed that all vaginas are fairly similar. How unique can they be? Square, rhomboid? Surely not fractal?! I don't know how we've survived all these years without this bespoke tampon. I am also glad to read that it "gently expands." We've all had too many of those things going off like airbags up there. Am I right, ladies?

"...a LeakGuard™ braid to help stop leaks before they happen..."

This just seems like a waste of perfectly good extensions.

"...a CleanSeal™ wrapper—the first ever re-sealable wrapper for worry-free disposal..."

Why would we worry? Are we in space, trash floating free in the capsule? Training a cadaver-sniffing canine unit? Camping in bear country? Trying to hide our preoperative female-to-male gender reassignment from friends? (We know who we are.)

"...and a CleanGrip™ applicator designed for incredible comfort."

This is definitely preferable to DirtyGrip™ or GreasyGrip™ (which are probably already on the market as lube). It sounds a bit like ad copy for a Brookstone personal massager. Still, I'm sure that Tampax has done a lot of research into this truly new and different product and hasn't just had its marketing department come up with new and different words to sell the same old thing.

So when the woman in the stall next to you breaks into song and yells, "I'm incredibly comfortable!" you'll know she has a Tampax Radiant tampon to thank.

But you still may want to alert the authorities.

More dirty business:
Flat-D: Product of the Week
Magick Monday Manscaping
Pimp Your Vajajay for Valentine's Day!
Scrotal Deodorant Wash: Product of the Week

Clarity Costs Extra

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 00:34:00 +0000

I've been trying to figure out how, despite unlimited this and family plan that, my cell phone
bill is so high. Did I sign up to fund a bridge to nowhere project in my sleep? How did my cell phone turn into a handheld perpetual debt machine? Naturally, I suspected sorcery but logged onto att.com just in case there might be an earthly cause. Then I saw this.

Lord knows, I'm in favor of limiting parental controls. (Who do they think they are?) But what about that second thing, "Detailed Billing"? Could it be that the invoice I receive each month does not represent AT&T's best effort to convey the value of its services? Perhaps, but I required further information. Luckily, getting to the detail within the detail cost only a click.

As paying customers, we're entitled to thorough, comprehensible billing and communications, aren't we? It seems nothing is implicit in a world where basic clarity is commoditized. AT&T has the wherewithal to generate a better, easily understood bill for every customer. Instead it sends out a statement it knows to be inferior by its own standard. Why? All we've done is pay every penny of our bills. Don't we deserve better? Not if companies can get us to pay for the privilege.

I still don't know why my cellphone bill is so high. I don't think "Detailed Billing" would have helped me figure it out, anyway. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find out why my nav system only speaks Urdu.

Lonely on Valentine's Day? There's an App for That

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 17:56:00 +0000

It's Valentine's Day again, when lonely souls search for a good time. Now they can look no further than their iPhones with the OhMiBod Remote app, available on iTunes. This breakthrough for the hands free onanist allows one to operate one's vibrator remotely.

Designed for touch screen control, the app also works with the iPad and iPod touch. A tap on the screen accesses five preloaded settings, including "Ooh I like!" and the mysterious "Fire Alarm." For a more personalized experience, OhMiBod can direct the massager to pulsate with the beat of one's favorite songs, perhaps causing bass-heavy rock bands to edge out, say, Moby, on one's playlist.

Of course, this remote can be used by couples as well. What boyfriend wouldn't want to take a break from playing Angry Birds to pleasure his woman while watching porn and indulging in low tech masturbation in another room?

Steve Jobs would be so proud.

More to love:
Pimp Your Vajajay for Valentine's Day!
9 Ways to Prevent Your Own Valentine's Day Massacre

My New Rehab: Opening Soon!

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 23:42:00 +0000

I used to think that there were only three foolproof jobs in the world: weatherman, umbrella salesman and pantyhose manufacturer. A "meteorologist" can be wrong much of the time and not get fired. The other two sell products whose planned obsolescence is so quick it almost precedes purchase. No one expects an apology or reimbursement or innovation. Repeat customers happily come back for more. Failure is its own reward. What could be better?

One word: rehab. Exhaustion, racism, anti-Semitism? Rehab! Relapse, overdose, suicide? What doesn't get blamed? Rehab! Dr. Drew Pinsky fails more than 75 percent of the time and he's got three shows. Catch him on CNN giving expert commentary on the death of Whitney Houston. I'm not kidding. If there's is a downside to the rehab business, I can't see it. Some say AA is a cult--if so, it's a lousy one, since it doesn't turn a profit. That's why I'm opening the Magick Sandwich Full Service Rehab and Grill, accepting applications now.

I'm sure some of the more pampered crackheads will be expecting entertainment and plush accommodations. High thread count sheets and bottled water will be provided. In the spirit of tough love, however, no equine therapy will be available, despite its popularity at many resort-habs. Hazelden, a pioneer in the "life is better when you're not drunk and/or stoned" industry, recommends it for clients who tend to over-intellectualize.

Many patients have avoided feeling emotions for so long that they don't know how to anymore. Through working with horses, feelings of fear, anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, joy and peace are brought to surface.

How about anger and resentment that they're stars and they've paid good money to muck a stable...in Minnesota? And while these four-legged psychiatrists are great listeners, phone sessions with them tend to be one-sided. What is a celebrity who can't cart around his trusty steed in case of the odd jones to do?

At my new rehab, I've considered the practicalities. That's why I'm proud to introduce Goldfish-Assisted Therapy.™ "Horses are typically non-judgmental," according to one rehab, and "have no preconceived expectations or motives." Typically? I can say with certainty that every goldfish is non-judgmental, unbiased in every way. Plus they're portable. They can come along for moral support to parties where hooves are prohibited. They can be transported in the rectum or swallowed in case of cavity search, although this may result in premature fish death. Luckily, they're easy to replace. No one expects them to last.

In anticipation of my rehab's success, I hereby announce the Magick Sandwich Sober Coach Certification Program, featuring my revolutionary "Put It Down, Charlie!" treatment method. All major credit cards accepted.

***No Mr. Ed, happy horseshit, Black Beauty, Trigger or horse pun was harmed in the making of this blog post.***

Spam Superstar 2011

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 13:22:00 +0000

I tend to get a lot of spam comments on Magick Mini Movie Review: Bad Lieutenant. Apparently, "harvey keitel penis" is a popular Google search. Though the most interesting commenter this year was Call Girls in Mumbai--I clicked it and it does appear to be a website advertising Indian prostitutes--Anonymous' critique of Uggs (now stripped of its links to online sales of same) has the distinction of being the Best Spam I've Gotten This Year. Spam is a terrible thing, I know, but I hope you'll agree, this is a thing of beauty.

*****

Uggs plus the Individuals Who Don Them

The weather conditions is just not a element when it comes to fashion i've discovered. And these Uggs or what i like to call :"moon boots" appear to present up no matter temperature. I've seen them with the spring fashioned with skirts, or inside the winter tucked into sweat pants. They are truly feel are only worn due to the fad vogue.

They have got seemingly popped up just about everywhere, i do not just affiliate them with the trendy girls i see, strolling about malls. These are worn by preteens, and even a number of mom's who no one has the heart to say definitely shouldn't be sporting them. Unless i'm mistaken, and they take place to get quite possibly the most relaxed parts of foot apparel to the current market. Or have females all fallen underneath a consumer cult mentality.

For my part, and i want to pressure that its my impression, and never which they actually seem ridiculous. I wouldn't brain it if when worn, say with pants where the pants are pulled in excess of the Uggs boots that would be fine. But this is not the situation. Ladies go out of their method to tuck them into their pants concerning show off the boots. They have no style and design to them its simply just a substantial boot that may be reminiscent of rubber rain boots, whom no person would be caught lifeless donning.

Are we so vulnerable to Hollywood, publications and media that individuals will dress in everything? Where by does it stop? I might like to have females remark to me and explain to me uncomplicated they bought it because they enjoy the comfort and ease and heat that they obtain, and that its an excellent wanting boot/shoe/hybrid piece of vogue.

For my part within the close to distant long run, all people that personal them will likely be ashamed which they ever wore them. Precisely the same way many of us experience era to era with vogue fads. Many of us share similar "oh jeez" response a person might have when seeing or referring to "bell bottoms." The topic is always an awesome conversation with mothers and fathers or persons from distinctive decades to discuss their vogue goof ups.

I desired to carry consideration to this fashion wonder or in my eyes blunder, as i am in disgust once i see a pair of Uggs strolling my way. I jump for the conclusion which the lady who has them can be a Esq persona. 1 who's spoiled, contains a pair of Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses, normally has her hair died, and trimmed and certainly not walks out of the house without a miniature model of what utilized to be a pet dog. The type who would never be caught dead exterior the home without, a manicure, or am i erroneous?

*****

Help! I've fallen underneath a consumer cult mentality and I can't get up. I know I shouldn't brain it or go out of my method, but my hair died and my eyes blunder. I want to pressure it is my opinion, all people that personal them should not be caught lifeless donning them...or am i erroneous?

Christmas Gifting 101: A Visual Aid

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 13:50:00 +0000

You're in that mad, last minute scramble to find a present for that special someone. When it comes to gift-giving, a scarf is always a safe choice, right? Not always. Behold:

In your frenzy to get out of the store, don't forget to pay attention to what you're buying. Unless she wants to look like her nipples sucked a lemon or saw their own shadow and retreated for six more weeks of winter, put this back on the clearance pile. If she's into that sort of thing, go ahead and get it. I'm sure Freud would have an opinion on this. But he's dead and anyway, sometimes a scarf is just a scarf.

Last Minute Gifts: Wine Warning

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 16:21:00 +0000

Over here at Magick Sandwich, we've finished our Christmas shopping. Since we never stop spending on ourselves, it's really just shopping with the holidays as a convenient cover story. Much like an alcoholic who rationalizes drinking on special occasions, for a shopper every day is a special occasion.

Speaking of addiction and Christmas, you might be thinking of giving the last-minute gift of a bottle of vino. After all, Jesus, guest of honor, turned water into wine. Since you can't, you'll need a credit card and a little help from FedEx.

With only four days till Christmas, you need to make haste. But take a moment to learn about the art of wine shipping. Did you know there are certain states that do not allow it? Montana, South Dakota, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania are a few.

The grape of wrath?

The "dry state" of Utah I can understand, although I've known quite a few Mormon drunkards, believe you me. But New Jersey? Why would it deny its citizens a bit of relief? Luckily, you can help fight this injustice at freethegrapes.org, a national grass roots coalition of wine lovers, wineries and retailers fighting the powerful wine wholesalers' lobby. Those bastards!

Don't get sidetracked by this cause, worthy though it may be. For now, you need to concentrate on your wino friends who live in one of the 39 states protected by direct shipping legislation. There are many distributors online, some of whom will package bottles nicely so as to remind your recipient of its heart-healthy benefits while de-emphasizing its cirrhotic effects on the liver.

When choosing your gift, don't forget to read the fine print. I was perusing wine.woot.com this morning and saw a 2 pack of 2003 Keller Estate Sparkling Brut. How can you go wrong with a 2 pack? So classy and only $49.99. But then I saw this:

What? Am I supposed to call Glenn and tell him to stay sober all day so he can sign for the package? His inability to do so only proves that this is the perfect gift for him! What if Nancy's been huffing paint? Will the FedEx guy be able to tell the difference between high and drunk? What qualifies him to judge? This is human-rights abuse, pure and simple.

Looks like it's going to be another year of clean piss in Christmas mugs for my parolee friends and festively wrapped syringes for the junkies. Maybe you're thinking I should get a better class of friends but it isn't easy to find people happy to get cheap wine. When everything you drink has a screw top, you appreciate a good cork now and then.

More gift ideas:
Great Holiday Gifts: Bacon Edition
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

Xmas Re-Gift: Manger Danger!

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 15:03:00 +0000

Pittstown, DE--Is your neighborhood nativity scene safe? Sadly, the answer was no for the Davis family, whose three year old daughter, Mensa, was injured last night when a faulty manger toppled onto the youngster.

"We were in the town square videotaping her throwing rocks at squirrels," her father read from a prepared statement at a press conference this morning. "It's good for her hand-eye coordination. Then she started to climb up the manger wall. One moment her mother and I were laughing and clapping, the next, tragedy struck. It is unconscionable that the city did not properly anchor the manger to the ground. How could they do that to my little girl?"

Reached by phone, Mensa's mother stated, "If she doesn't come out of the coma soon, she'll lose her spot at Branstone preschool. Her life will be ruined!" She added, "They're going to pay for this!" before hanging up, overcome with emotion.

Savior Sold Industries, manufacturer of the nativity scene, is expected to release a statement later today. This is not the first time the company has had a problem with a defective product. In 2007, it voluntarily recalled its Sweet Jesus Jumbo Tabletop Candy Crèche after a Pekingese choked to death on a piece of myrrh.

In related news, a Wise Man was attacked on December 6th in Baye Village, Ohio. DNA evidence is pending. Local registered sex offenders are being questioned. The manger's owner, Jerry Smith, has removed the display from his lawn and says it will remain deflated until further notice.

Meanwhile, a church group in Iowa continues its efforts to make peeing on the baby Jesus a felony.

Great Holiday Gift Ideas: Bacon Edition

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 22:58:00 +0000

At Magick Sandwich, we like a nice BLT. Minus the L and T, of course. We also know it makes an awesome gift. Surprise your loved ones with the gift that keeps on giving, all the way from tastiness to heartburn to deadly plaque buildup: bacon.

Heard of heirloom tomatoes? Kids' stuff. The Pig's Heirloom Bacon Club will ship your loved ones a different "delicious artisan bacon made from heritage pork" each month, selected by professional bacon connoisseurs. That's an intriguing career choice. There's probably significant turnover considering the occupational hazard of coronary artery disease. But what a way to go, huh?

From atherosclerosis to cirrhosis, bacon has you covered. This Christmas, gather 'round the tree for a festive eyeopener. Friends and family will love the carnivorous cocktails you whip up with Bakon Vodka. (Because you can't trademark Bacon.) Top them off with Demitri's Bloody Mary Rim Salt. Bacon. Salt. Bacon salt. Did you just hear angels sing? I did, but that could be my blood pressure medication wearing off.

Time for some inventive foods to soak up all that booze. Pancake and bacon cookies are a fuss-free alternative to a traditional breakfast. Set out a basket of blueberry bacon muffins, a bowl of pork candy, wash it all down with a tall glass of bacon soda or a steaming hot cup of Maple Bacon Morning coffee, and you've got a feast your guests won't soon forget. In fact, they may not let you have Christmas at your house again. Ever. You're welcome, bacon would say if it could talk, but it can't because its head was cut off.

This is what pork candy looks like.

But what to do later? If you happen to be in New York City, you're in luck. Head to Fatty 'Cue in the West Village for its famous half pound orders of deep-fried bacon. Your guests will think they've died and gone to heaven. Or they might just die. Honestly, the pig leg handle on the front door cannot be a good sign.

It's so literal.

Finally, for the oddball in the family--we all have one--who lives in the woods, braids his own ear hair and has a statue of Jesus made entirely of toenail clippings, we suggest Tactical Bacon. It's fully cooked bacon in a can with a 10+ year shelf life so poor old Uncle Mudge will have rations to last him through that zombie apocalypse he's always muttering about.


Directions: Open Can. Receive Bacon.

Conveniently, CMGG Inc, purveyor of Tactical Bacon, also sells firearms. Nothing goes with bacon like a 16" M300 AAC Blackout Rifle with Pistol Gas System. The next time you're online shopping for canned breakfast meat, take a look at the armaments. You might want to stock up, you know, just in case Uncle Mudge is right about that whole zombie thing.

More gift ideas:
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

3 Haunted Hotels for Halloween Night

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 20:38:00 +0000

I recently stayed in Room 35 of the Irma Hotel in Cody, Wyoming. Prior guests reported lights going on and off, being touched by an unseen hand, etc. Some claimed they saw the ghost of a Civil War soldier in dress uniform--but only half of him! Creepy. I didn't get to find out which half. It occurred to me the next morning that, had I seen a ghost, I would have had to change my entire belief system. So it was probably a good thing nothing happened.

But staying in a "haunted" room got me wondering what other scary places might be out there, waiting for a skeptic like me. You know, the one who laughs at her cringing friend as she opens a door and gets an axe in her head. These three places fit the bill and would make for unsettling lodging even without the promise of paranormal activity.

*****

At the top of my list is the Lizzie Borden House in Fall River, Massachusetts. I remember skipping rope to this rhyme:

Lizzie Borden took an axe

And gave her mother forty whacks.

When she saw what she had done

She gave her father forty-one.

According to Wikipedia, "In reality Lizzie's stepmother suffered 18 or 19 blows and her father just 11 blows." Still effective, but not as catchy. (A child reciting a ditty about parricide in this day and age would be whisked away to specialists, medicated and denied cutlery till she left for college.)

The house is now a bed and breakfast. Cuddle up on the sofa in the sitting room where Lizzy's father met his end. Take a nap in the John Morse guestroom, where Lizzie's stepmother was discovered. Play CSI, bring your Luminol and look for any blood that might have been missed. Of course, they've cleaned up the place since then but hatchet deaths are pretty messy....

Or stay in Lizzie's room. She continued to live at home after her acquittal but, shunned by the locals, I imagine she didn't get many trick-or-treaters at her door. It's worth noting that tours are conducted every day through most of the rooms. If you sleep in, it would be wise not to do so in the nude. You will be part of the show.

Why not wake early, hide your unmentionables and head downstairs for breakfast? You'll be treated to the same meal that Abby and Andrew enjoyed before being hacked to death: bananas, sugar cookies and jonny-cakes, flatbread made of cornmeal. Yum.

If it seems like the owners are cashing in on a gruesome double murder, it's because they are. They're in the process now of setting up the Ghost Cam Project, in which online subscribers pay to conduct "paranormal investigations" over web cams placed in the guest rooms. Hopefully, this will only go on when there are no corporeal guests in them.

*****

Next up is Marshall House, the oldest hotel in Savannah, Georgia.

This is a popular one. Even Fox News recommended it as a Halloween getaway. The website mentions that it was built in 1851, served as a hospital for Civil War soldiers and later for victims of yellow fever. That alone might make it a repository of ghosts.

It's also quite posh and doesn't have shared bathrooms, web cams or tours popping in, unlike the Borden B&B. It's a nice place to kick back, enjoy some room service and order up a scary movie on pay-per-view.

Guests have claimed to hear children's laughter in empty hallways or woken up feeling pressure on their wrists as if someone is taking their pulse. That's nothing compared to what actually happened. During renovation, workers found the bones of amputated limbs hidden underneath the floorboards and in the back yard. Eek, am I right? I guarantee you will not find that in the promotional literature.

*****

This last place qualifies as a hotel only because you can rent a room there. Or, more specifically, a cell. Karosta Prison in Latvia was built in 1900 and functioned as a military detention and torture center until 1997. Officers held here included tsarists, enemies of Stalin and deserters from the German Wehrmacht.

For only $16.00, "spend the night in a prison which is considered to be even more impressive than the Alcatraz in the USA, to sleep on a prison bunk or an iron bed, and to have a prison meal." Better than Alcatraz? Fancy!

If that sounds a little tame, book the Extreme Night. It'll cost you a little more, but for less than $25.00, you'll be treated as a prisoner all night--once you sign the waiver, of course. There are special rates for schoolchildren and seniors. They also do weddings. No, I'm not kidding.

Did I mention it's haunted?

Apocalypse No?

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 21:00:00 +0000

Here at Magick Sandwich, we enjoy a bit of name-calling as much as the next guy. Back at the end of May, when it appeared the Rapture hadn't happened, we wracked our brains to come up with a term that would adequately define the non-event.

In order to share our results with the world--and to try to look clever--we rushed off our newly minted moniker to the folks at Urban Dictionary. Then we waited. And waited. In the intervening months, we learned from that lovable old coot and Nostradamus wannabe, Harold Camping, that the Rapture had indeed happened and God had already chosen his flock.

But He'd postponed their ascension and withheld the results. Did He do it out of concern for his faithful getting motion sick on the flight up to Heaven or was He just toying with them? Either way, it's helped Camping keep hope for death alive while filling his coffers. Camping's followers continue to give, though some must have the queasy feeling of spending one's life savings on a lottery ticket.

According to Harold, the world will end today. He's got a pretty bad track record thus far. I'm sure it's just a simple computational error. Or he could be batshit crazy. If tomorrow comes, we'll need a new noun to suit the occasion. We humbly submit our sobriquet, published just in the nick of time: no-pocalypse. This occurs when Judgment Day passes without incident. For example: I wish I could go to your no-pocalypse party but since the Rapture didn't happen, I have to do my homework. Bummer!

Of course, the most interesting words will be whatever Harold Camping is saying tomorrow. Stay tuned!

More from me:
Apocal-Update
3 Ways to Survive and Thrive on Judgment Day

Apocal-Update

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 18:46:00 +0000

They're back!

It's that time again: the End of Days. Seriously, they really mean it this time.

To be fair, the date the world will end hasn't changed. It's the Rapture that was a little confusing. Remember when Harold Camping--an old geeze who, inexplicably, people pay attention to--said the Rapture would happen on May 21st, 2011? You know, it was the day that God's chosen ones would be whisked up to Heaven and dine on honeydew while the rest of us writhed in agony on an earth beset by fire, earthquakes, floods and general mayhem. Quite a few of those things have happened this year, though not with the gusto Camping predicted. The first problem he faced on May 22nd, 2011 was the fact that we were all still here, heretics and believers alike. But he cleared it all up two days later on Family Radio.

The Bible tells us that Christ has no pleasure in the death of the wicked. God is a very compassionate God and while the law of God demands that there has to be punishment, it does not mean God is going to punish, and punish, and punish, and punish.

So the Man Upstairs is going to have mercy and compress all the suffering of the Rapture and end of the world into one day. He delayed the Rapture earthquake because He realized most of the damned wouldn't survive it and He wanted to make sure they all lived until the big reveal: the earth exploding in a fiery ball of doom! Maybe it could more properly be called End of Day? I imagine it will be like standing on the Death Star when Luke takes his shot.

Camping's followers spent their life savings and quit their jobs to travel around the country warning us to repent. They bought billboard space and festooned their front yards with signs. They marched around with colorful informational placards, handed out flyers, yelled at their neighbors. All about one specific date: May 21st, 2011.

And this was their thanks? A compassionate God? Many felt they'd been conned by the Almighty. After all their effort, they were still here, having to cope with their massive debt, their average kids, their crafting rooms bulging with unfinished scrapbooking projects. They'd need to refill that blood pressure/diabetes/high cholesterol medication they'd let lapse. How had this happened?

Luckily, Camping has an answer for them, too. God did come down to earth May 21st. But He did it quietly. So it was more of a soft Rapture, I guess. It was spiritual rather than physical, according to Camping. So those He marked for salvation that day didn't know it. Why? Camping says it's because if God had let people know it was a spiritual judgment, then "no one would have taken notice or feared God." Only because May 21st was declared as a physical Judgment Day did the world take notice.

Not to quibble with a prophet, but two things about this bother me. First of all, wouldn't anyone who was worthy have taken notice without the threat of violence? Wouldn't a spiritual judgment be enough? Is God trying to trick people into taking Him seriously? He sounds pretty insecure. Second, why would he continue to withhold knowledge of who is saved? Is He messing with the chosen or giving the rest of us false hope?

As for Camping, he told his followers to stop trying to save others after May 21s. Since judgment already happened, that would be useless. He said his goal until October 21st was to "feed my sheep." Apparently, there are millions who've unwittingly been saved and need his teachings. How can Camping do this when no one knows who is worthy? Writing him a check might help him divine an answer for you. And make it as big as you want. If the world ends, who's going to cash it?

More:
3 Ways to Survive and Thrive on Judgment Day
Paradise Postponed - Daily Mail UK
Harold Camping Quits Evangelism, Focuses Only On the Saved - Christian Post
Family Radio Redesigns Website with No Mention of Rapture - Business Insider
Rapture: Harold Camping issues New apocalypse date - BBC News

Let's All Shut Up About September 11th

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 19:36:00 +0000

I can't wait for September 12th. Why? Not because I fear an attack on the 11th but because I just want everyone to shut up about it.

There's something unseemly about the orgy of coverage surrounding the tenth anniversary of the 9/11 attack. On one level, we deal with the chilling knowledge that we are not safe. Maybe we know somebody who died. Maybe we know somebody who got lucky. Maybe we know somebody who knows somebody. Or we got upset watching it on TV. We all own this experience, at least in our minds.

But before we play "where were you when _____," let me just say that I am not up for that particular game. Yes, this is a defining moment in modern history, "our" Pearl Harbor, "our" JFK assassination. But it is also defined by this modern age of reality programming and 24-hour news cycles. We would never have seen Walter Cronkite chasing down everyone who had ever been to Dealey Plaza to get their input.

Disaster porn is profitable. Reporters in the field seem to get paid by the tear, as evidenced by a recent CNN interview with a woman whose house had been destroyed by a Texas wildfire. She was understandably terse, distracted by the sight of her home's charred remains. The reporter tried to draw her out by asking, "How does this make you feel?" The woman stared at the reporter for a long moment before replying, "I've lost everything!" The "what kind of a stupid question is that?" was implied. I assume the people who express that aloud get edited out.

There is also the phenomenon of what I would call Chicken Little Syndrome. CNN coverage of the East Coast earthquake took an absurd turn when the worst thing found was a crack in the Washington Monument. So they covered it for days. That, and some bricks that fell on a car in Virginia. By the time Hurricane Irene started to look like it was headed straight through Central Park, a lot of people thought it was just more hype and didn't pay attention.

Now the dedication of the September 11 Memorial will be taking place and there's a "credible threat" of a terrorist attack. Well, duh! Of course they'd love to let us know we haven't cut off the head of the snake. Speaking of bin Laden, wasn't the jubilation a little distasteful, after the moral outrage at al-Qaeda celebrating when the planes hit? I am grateful he's gone but it's hard to claim the high ground when we're jumping up and down about a person, even a villain, being killed.

Networks make money on this. Do we share responsibility for that? Why do we watch? Is there some perverse pleasure in the celebration--sorry, commemoration--of awful events? There are people who suffered and died that day. Most of us were not touched by this tragedy in a purely factual, physically actual way. Why must we lay claim? Have we become a nation of professional mourners? Why can't we acknowledge this sad anniversary without total media sensory immersion?

It was nice back then when people rallied around the city, proclaiming "we are all New Yorkers." But we're not. Visited here once? Saw a movie with the Towers in it? Worried about Homeland Security threat levels in Gary, Indiana? Sorry, thanks for playing. New Yorkers, and I'm proud to be one, will do what they've always done. Get up, go to work--orange, yellow, puce alert--doesn't matter. We remember the fires, the smell, the subway walls covered with signs searching for loved ones that were surely dead. I spent hours thinking I'd lost my husband--he was supposed to be there--but he ran late. We were lucky on a day so many people weren't.

No offense, but I don't need anyone to remind me of this. I certainly don't need Wolf Blitzer "catastrobating," a term my brother-in-law coined that perfectly captures the breathless reportage that will hopefully climax and enjoy a cigarette on the 12th. That will be the day I can watch the news again, the day I'll stop getting email ads for The New Yorker's 9/11 e-book and the day the History Channel will return to its regularly scheduled Hitler-related programming. That sounds like a good day to me.

National Milk Chocolate Day: A Strange but Tasty Holiday

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 22:42:00 +0000

It's National Milk Chocolate Day! Finally there's a crass commercial holiday that we can all love! (Except for vegans, who are still waiting for their petition for a National Gluten-Free Soy Pretend Food Substitute Day to go through Congress. Good luck, guys!)

But I digress. I almost missed out on National Donut Day and I won't make that mistake again. It doesn't matter that no one can seem to pinpoint when and how this holiday came to be. Many of my Google searches send me to the M&M site but I'm disturbed by animated candies that are supposed to be cute and also make me want to eat them. When I see a cow, I don't think, "Oh. look at those pretty eyes. Hand me that hacksaw!"

Again with the digressing. One might think I'm on a sugar high already. But I really want to share this company I discovered a few months back called Chocomize. I had a lot of fun inventing chocolate treats and then eating the results. Now here's a national holiday giving me the opportunity to broach the subject with you, my chocoholic friends.

The website provides excellent, high-end Belgian milk chocolate, along with white and dark chocolate and a plethora of ingredients. There are almost limitless combinations to choose from. Naming them afterward is half the fun. Then all you have to do is wait for delivery.

I chose ground coffee and bacon for my first creation, Breakfast of Champions. It tasted much better than it sounds. Everything really does go better with bacon. The thought of it disgusted my husband so I got to eat the whole thing.

My second, Hot Lips, had mini chili peppers, cayenne powder and black peppercorns. My husband hates spicy food. Once again, I had to eat it all myself. My chocolate-making motives may have been less than pure.

I made the third with white chocolate, candy corn, butter toasted peanuts, caramel popcorn and pretzels. I have to admit, I don't like candy corn. I just wanted it to look like a Movie Theater Floor. Great name, gross results.

Finally, there was Snack Attack, milk chocolate with caramel popcorn, caramel pieces, potato chips, pretzels and salt. This one got hubby's approval once he picked off the potato chips. He was right. Less was more. This one could be a keeper.

Chocomize.com has a list of its most popular combinations for those who don't want to experiment. I have a feeling my candy bars won't get on that list. But it was fun. If you've missed out on today's celebration, there are more chocolate-related festivities this year. Here's a sample:

          National Chocolate Day--October 28
          National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day--November 7
          National Chocolate Covered Anything Day--December 16

In fact, there are enough bizarre food holidays to keep us binging every day of the year. So get out there and eat some chocolate. Tomorrow is National Hamburger Day. The day after that is National Lasagna Day. I expect you all to do your civic duty and dine early and often. "It's not just patriotic, it's good eatin'!"[patent pending]

There's one thing I don't understand. August 1st is National Raspberry Cream Pie Day. August 14th is National Creamsicle Day. But August is also National Catfish Month. I like catfish as much as the next person, but how did they end up with a whole month when creamsicles only get one day? Oh, well. Mine is not to question why. At least on August 6th, I can wash that fish down on National Root Beer Float Day.

More sweets:
Chocolate Powered by Prayer: Product of the Week

More holiday fun:
Merde Alors! National Pigeon Day 2011
Pimp Your Vajajay for Valentine's Day!
It's National Donut Day: Huzzah!

Racist Beauty?

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 18:15:00 +0000

Ladies, you'll know what I'm talking about: you've finally gotten a little time alone and decide to pamper yourself. You've got cream bleach frosting your upper lip, a V05 oil slick in your hair and you've just slapped on a few pore strips when the doorbell rings. Now what? There's no time to wipe the crap off. You get a grip and think it's no big deal. Your delivery guy is cool; he's certainly seen worse, right? But what if you come to the door looking like this?

You didn't think when you bought Boscia's Luminizing Black Mask that it might make you look racist. You just wanted to try something new. Now you look like you've been putting on a minstrel show in your living room. Is the face mask inherently offensive or does it become so when viewed by someone else? Are you both racist for thinking it's racist? If it's just a skincare product, how can it also signify something as terrible as blackface?

Is the delivery man racist for judging you? How could he help it? You're offending yourself, for God's sake. A few minutes ago you were enjoying a facial and now you're Al Jolson. What a crazy thing perspective is. From now on, you'll have to hide from that delivery guy. You could have everything shipped to your neighbor's house. Come to think of it, maybe you should just move.

Happy Father's Day!

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 04:01:00 +0000

Don't Cry for Anthony Weiner

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 16:40:00 +0000

Anthony Weiner is finally going to resign. I think he should have done it much sooner. That he didn't is an indication of his arrogance; to believe he could stay in office was as delusional as the idea he could take and send photos of his shaved genitalia and never get caught.

There's already a wave of protest online. He didn't break any laws. Republicans David Vitter, Mark Sanford and Larry Craig did not resign over infidelity, soliciting prostitutes and lying about it. This is true, with an important exception. Use of government computers and smartphones to send photos and messages would be actionable.

I'm not convinced that a person who used Facebook and Twitter so inappropriately would be able to control the urge--to draw the line--at the office. I think Mr. Weiner may have known that was going to be exposed in the internal investigation.

Did anyone believe him when he denied sending the first crotch photo but said he could not say with certitude whether said crotch was his? That's parsing the truth on a Clintonian level.

I just want to pause for a moment to address Ginger Lee, the porn actress who exchanged hundreds of emails with Congressman Weiner.

Ms. Lee, he asked you to lie about your communications, offered to get you PR help and sent you a statement to give to the press saying he'd sent you only one short message thanking you for your support.

So you held a press conference with Gloria Effing Allred and announced that he always steered your conversations toward sex. Ms. Lee? You're a porn star! What else would he talk to you about? Spinoza?

Geez, what a messed up world we live in. Sometimes it seems more suited to a Monty Python skit than to objective reality. It would be funny if it weren't news. In our post-ironic you betcha society, humor and self-awareness cede more ground every day to empty heads and earnest ignorance.

In the midst of this, a well-endowed Jewish legislator got caught waving his weiner. At a press conference this afternoon, he will wave the white flag. Hopefully, he'll keep his pants on this time.

*****

2:25 pm Update:

He just resigned and I have to say that I feel terrible for him. The heckling was obscene. Whatever I feel about this man's failings, he didn't deserve that indignity. (Yes, I know how ironic that sounds.) He bore up surprisingly well in the face of inexcusable behavior by many of those in the room. There could have been no more cruel blow to his ego. I'm glad his wife wasn't there. I hate to think what questions would have been hurled at her. I'm sure there will be much speculation about her absence. I hope they have a supportive group around them. Certainly, none of them were in evidence in that room today.

More political posts:
Weiner Watch 2011
To Newt with Love

Merde Alors! National Pigeon Day 2011

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 03:12:00 +0000

Gee, has it been a whole year since the New York Bird Club celebrated National Pigeon Day in Central Park? Where does the time go? And why is this holiday, now in its fourth year, still unrecognized by the U.S. government?

June 13, 2011 is the 92nd anniversary of the death of World War I hero Cher Ami. Bird lovers gather to commemorate his bravery and call attention to the plight of pigeons everywhere. That is, except for last year, when it conflicted with the Puerto Rican Day parade. The city showed blatant anti-avianism when granting permits. Thankfully, the date falls on a Monday this year. I'm sure, in any case, that Cher wouldn't mind.

Ami, a carrier pigeon who valiantly flew on after being shot and suffering a partially severed limb, delivered vital military intelligence to the U.S Army in France in October of 1918. He returned to the U.S. before succumbing to his injuries several months later. He was posthumously awarded the French Croix de Guerre, a medal I'm sure its human recipients were honored to share with a bird. Ami has the singular distinction of also being stuffed and mounted. He forever stands at attention in the National Museum of American History in Washington, D.C.

I like this pigeon. He acted heroically, unless you require self-awareness to make the decision to go above and beyond the call of duty. Filling a war hero's body with sawdust must be a high point in the annals of taxidermy but it seems a little callous. This almost overcomes my desire to write about the silliness of creating a holiday to promote pigeon awareness. Almost.

If we accept this precedent, where will it end? Perhaps there should be an official day to make people aware of the dangers of dryer lint catching fire or allowing your kids to eat too much grout. By the way, how much grout is too much? I think just enough to push the marbles and metal shavings through. Thoughts?

Anna Dove, née Augusta Kugelmas, founder of National Pigeon Day, in an interview with the New York Times, likened her efforts on behalf of pigeons to the struggle of Martin Luther King for civil rights. At times, her protests have been less than peaceful. In 2003, she threw birdseed in the face of a Parks Department employee who tried to enforce sanitation restrictions against throwing feed on the ground.

Joanna Tierno, moderator of a pigeon Internet group, compared the birds to Holocaust victims when City Council member James Oddo proposed using a birth control medication called Ovo Control P to reduce the amount of pigeon excrement corroding the infrastructure of the Staten Island Ferry.

Innolytics, the medication's manufacturer, was a 2010 recipient of The Humane Society of the United States Corporate Progress Award, which recognizes companies that have made demonstrable progress in reducing animal suffering and advancing animal welfare. The ASPCA and PETA also support humane alternatives to lethal bird control. In fact, PETA and the Pigeon Control Advisory Service (PiCAS), a British non-profit organization, actively discourage pigeon feeding.

In Andrew Blechman's book Pigeons, The Fascinating Saga of the World's Most Revered and Reviled Bird, Guy Merchant, PiCAS founder, states, "A small number of persistent and deliberate feeders are wholly responsible for the pigeon problem throughout the world. They are the pigeon problem. Pigeons overbreed when people overfeed." Although compulsive feeders see themselves as charitable, Guy thinks them selfish. It's not enough to simply feed the pigeons, he says. All that does is burden everyone else with cleaning up the resulting mess.

PETA, on its website, has this to say on the subject.

There are people who buy heavy bags of bird seed and walk around New York City, London, and other cities dropping huge piles of it on to public sidewalks and in parks. Naturally, pigeons flock there to eat, and then breed. These people think they are helping, but in reality, they are doing more harm than good....

Have you ever considered asking your local park or city to put up signs discouraging the feeding of pigeons? Have you supported or opposed a local ordinance that would establish mandatory guidelines for feral cat colony management? Can we-who care about and advocate for animals-stop letting irrational impulses dictate our actions toward them?

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Evidence I tried to say it better myself:
June 13 is National Pigeon Day: Ask Your Boss for the Day Off
National Pigeon Day. Again. I'm Not Kidding.
National Pigeon Day 2010: Part One
National Pigeon Day 2010: Part Two

To Newt with Love

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 20:37:00 +0000

AP-- Top Gingrich aides resign from presidential campaign

Republican Newt Gingrich's senior aides on his presidential campaign have resigned, according to the Associated Press.

Press secretary Rick Tyler told the AP that he, campaign manager Rob Johnson, and other strategists and aides in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina stepped down. Politico said the aides quit over a "different vision" for the campaign.

The former House speaker, making his first try at elected office since leaving Congress in 1998, was told earlier today that his entire top staff was departing.

In related news, Gingrich received an unmarked envelope at his campaign headquarters moments ago. It contained this photo and unsigned note:



   Thanks!

Weiner Watch 2011

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 13:11:00 +0000

What's that in your eye?

As of this writing, Congressman Anthony Weiner has refused to resign over sending photographs of his suspicious package to young girls across this great nation of ours. Predictions as to when he will cave under pressure continue apace. I think it will happen Friday at the latest, sooner if Nancy Pelosi gets her hands on him. But I'm no Jimmy the Greek--for all I know, it's happening right now. It's anybody's guess.

The only certainty is that he will resign, despite his vows to the contrary. Weiner is discovering there is scant support for a crusading lone wolf type, especially when the improprieties revealed are so mind-numbingly stupid. I hope Eliot Spitzer has called to let him know that resignation is the first step toward image rehabilitation. I'm getting tired of watching him twist in the wind.

The blogger who broke this story claims to have a more salacious photograph he is holding as insurance against retaliation from the Democrats. I submit that Weiner has more to fear from the Party than the blogger does. Any number of politicians--on either side of the aisle--could tell him damage done to the Party is not soon forgiven. This begs the question: what the hell is wrong with these people? Men, to be specific. Is there some sort of testosterone poisoning that causes them to secretly father children, to hire an escort from an online site or attempt to pick up a man in an airport bathroom, all while trumpeting "family values"?

The junk shot seen round the world.

And now a man named Weiner pitches a pup tent in his shorts, documents it, then shares it with young girls, thereby exciting himself all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Were he not a public servant, one might admire Weiner's use of Facebook and Twitter to perfect his own perpetual erection machine.Then again, judicious use of pornography in the privacy of his own home might have achieved the same goal. And he'd still have a career. Facebook and Twitter are public and people share things. Who knew? Apparently not Congressman Weiner.

Anthony Weiner takes his place in a long line of idiots seemingly ruled by their dicks. Conservatives are taking this opportunity to call for the Democratic Party to return donations. Let's get real here, guys. If the Republicans gave back donations after every sex scandal, they wouldn't have the proverbial pot to piss in. They're going to need it when they're calling the kettle black.

3 Ways to Survive and Thrive on Judgment Day

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Fri, 20 May 2011 16:55:00 +0000

If you're like me, you've thought about the Rapture and come to the conclusion you're not going anywhere. Being Christian is no guarantee. God has chosen only 200 million of you to ride with Jesus to the great hereafter. That means 2 billion of you picked the wrong church. Where do I get these numbers? The Bible. (Actually, I got them from Bob.) See there? I didn't read the Bible and I just lied about it. I'm doomed.

Knowing that I'll be damned tomorrow is no excuse for inaction. The following is my Judgment Day backup plan.

1. Stay positive. Those of us left on Earth will be plagued by earthquakes, floods etc. Is that so different from a normal Saturday these days? If I die tomorrow in the first quake, I'll have no worries--unless Hell really exists, in which case I'm screwed. If we make it through the weekend, we'll move on to the next step.

2. Invest in real estate. Two words: empty church. I've got my eye on St. Patrick's. Well maintained by its previous owner, high square footage, cathedral ceilings....and that baptismal font will make a great punch bowl. (If you think I went too far with that last thing, you are in denial and clinging to a reverence that will not save you. You're damned! Snap out of it and have some fun!)

3. Get a Rapture-proof job. I harbor a Protestant work ethic. God knows, the world will be chock full of Protestants who need to keep busy. I've found the perfect career: post-Rapture pet sitting. The folks at Eternal Earth-Bound Pets match atheists with cats and dogs left behind by the righteous. Since pets have no souls no matter how many outfits they're forced to wear--and who'd want to poop scoop Heaven?--they're stuck here with us. Someone needs to care for them until October 21, 2011 when the earth is finally consumed by fire.

Finally, I'd like to leave you all with a few words of encouragement. Even if you'd paid attention in Sunday school, odds are you'd still be looking down the barrel of eternal damnation. Now go forth and cry no more for all is lost. Party at my place on Sunday! Bring ice.

More Judgment:
Jesus is Coming Soon. Really, Really Soon.

Jesus is Coming Soon. Really, Really Soon.

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Thu, 19 May 2011 20:34:00 +0000

Pencil Him in.

Hey there, Jesus! It's me! Long time, no talk, I know! I just wanted to tell you how excited I am to finally meet you in person when you return to Earth on Saturday, May 21st to judge all humankind. Harold Camping, a world renowned Biblical scholar, has prophesied it and it must be true since he got the math wrong when he said the Rapture would happen on September 6, 1994. I mean, who'd make a mistake like that twice?

Anyhoo, I know you'll be busy smiting the wicked and ferrying the righteous to Heaven so I just want to ask you a few questions now so I won't bother you on the rope line. First, when you retrieve souls, do they go up like on an elevator or is it more like a flying car? I've got to be honest, I'm afraid of heights and I get car sick. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is my worst nightmare! Not that I'm complaining, but if you could heal me first that would be awesome. Otherwise I can bring a few Dramamine. No biggie. Should I bring my own bottled water? I cannot dry swallow pills. Yuck! Do you have good tap water up there? Do you recycle? Does trash just disappear?

Should I pack light? Is there a carry-on limit? Do fat people need more suction to pull them up or do they all go to Hell for gluttony? How will I breathe that high up? Oxygen masks make me claustrophobic. Maybe we won't need air at all. If we don't breathe, will farts still smell bad? Do you have broccoli? Is there gravity? Will I need a bra when I jog?

Well, those are all the questions I have for you now. I guess I'll get going; there's so much to do. Wait a minute, what? What church do I belong to? Umm, I was baptized and confirmed and everything. An atheist? Where did you hear that? That's kind of an overstatement, don't you think? I can't belong with those seven billion people left behind to suffer. I don't do well with earthquakes. They mess up my inner ear. And lakes of fire--so dehydrating!

Please, Lord, don't make me beg! Listen, I'll repent. Everybody gets to do that, right? No? What kind of chickenshit outfit is this? Sorry, I didn't mean that. I know it's last minute but isn't that pretty much how it works? You repent on your deathbed and you get a pass, right? That's a fake-out? Man, you Christians are harsh! Seriously though: no backsies? No do-overs?

Aw, nuts.

More fun with Christianity:
Breaking: Manger Danger!
A Highly Flammable Sign from God
Magick's Twofer Tuesday, Part 1: Can this Sandwich be Saved?
Magick's Twofer Tuesday, Part 2: Sandwich Salvation in Doubt

Angelina Saves Sandwich!

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 20:00:00 +0000

It was bound to happen sooner or later: the moment when I would stop finding anything funny on this big, spinning ball of crazy. Charlie Sheen is on tour. One of his stops is Radio City Music Hall. A Pole Dancers for Feminine Hygiene convention could not sully the venue more.

Politicians inflict death from a thousand cuts on labor and teachers' unions while the architects of the Wall Street collapse collect bonuses and enjoy tax breaks. It takes 441,000 people working for $50,000 per year to match the compensation of the top 25 hedge fund managers.

Japan is hit by an earthquake, tsunami and nuclear emergency. Reporters excitedly point to graphics showing fallout has reached several U.S. states...before explaining how low the levels are. (Did you know that bananas are radioactive? Seems Americans are getting hit with what's known as a banana equivalent dose.) Japan's tragedy becomes titillating infotainment. Even PBS gets in on the act, cobbling together footage and rushing out Japan's Killer Quake as a tony addition to the disaster porn playing on all networks 24/7.

Now here's the gift from God that pulls this all together. Angelina Jolie is in Libya. (I know something's going on there but news about the Middle East makes me sleepy.) She's undoubtedly doing something humanitarian there and I applaud her. But the thing that's getting noticed is her new tattoo. In light of what I've written so far, I should be sickened. But I somehow end up Googling latitudes and longitudes for the better part of an hour. You know what this means...

I'm back, baby! Angelina has lifted me out of my existential funk and taught me some basic geography at the same time. I am energized by celebrity and by my absurd fascination with same. Hey, whatever works, right? In case you've forgotten, Jolie has covered her left upper arm with the global coordinates of her brood's birthplaces. So there were six.

But now there are seven. With the exception of Sky News, most media outlets are ignoring her work for refugees and concentrating on that little patch of skin. Forums are filled with those attempting to parse the numbers. From my own sleuthing, I have gleaned that the latitude is North 35 degrees, 10 minutes, 44 seconds.

The rest of the tat is hard to see. Latitude's not much help without longitude. It could be in Iraq. Or Cyprus. Or the ocean. One person thinks it's in Cancun because the Jolie-Pitts went there for vacation. Since it's pretty clear the latitude starts with W(West), my theory is that it points to City Hall in Shawnee, Oklahoma-- Brad Pitt's hometown.

In any case, she's going to need a couple more lines of body art to cover the last of the lasered but still faintly visible Billy Bob tattoo. Remember the witchy S&M girl who kissed her brother at the Oscars and wore a vial of Thornton's blood around her neck? Probably not. She's done a lot of good deeds and collected a passel of children since then.

I believe this is all part of Angelina's re-branding effort. She takes branding quite literally. But in this crazy universe, I suppose it's possible she has no sense of direction or memory for numbers. Maybe she punches that new code into her GPS to get to her favorite Arby's. Stranger things have happened.

More nonsense:
Angelina Jolie, Beautiful Freakshow
High Brow, Low Brow, Meet-me-in-the-Middle Brow

Charlie Sheen Hates Guayaberas but Loves Cuban

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 02:22:00 +0000

I haven't heard the term "moral turpitude" since the vice principal at my high school got canned for diddling a student. I had no idea that it could also be felonious. Thank you, CBS and Charlie Sheen, for teaching me something new today.

Loser

First, let me say that I didn't go looking for information on the Sheenmeister. I'd gone cold turkey over the weekend, sick of reading about how Sheen is a victim of media vampires and network greed heads. This makes for a good polemic but ignores the man's addiction and concomitant grandiosity. It also overvalues his talent, which has been eclipsed by his behavior and physical deterioration. He plays a ladies' man, not a gaunt creep with rotten teeth, so pathetic that the women he used to pay "to leave" he now pays to stay.

My undoing arrived in my inbox tonight, courtesy of The New York Times. CBS finally fired Sheen. And just like that, I was off the wagon. I needed juicier fare so I sped to TMZ where I read the letter delivered to Sheen's lawyer this morning. I think we can guess what it says but here's a highlight for my fellow addicts.

There is ample evidence supporting Warner Bros. reasonable good faith opinion that Mr. Sheen has committed felony offenses involving moral turpitude (including but not limited to furnishing of cocaine to others as part of the self-destructive lifestyle he has described publicly)that have "interfere [ d] with his ability to fully and completely render all material services required" under the Agreement.

Before condemning CBS, a gut check is in order. Do you think you could call your boss a dick, spout nonsense, brag about your drug use and love of hookers and not get fired? If so, tell Charlie to submit his resume. Not that he'll need the money now that he's suing CBS. Here's his official response to the firing.

This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial realm.

To those who say we just don't get Charlie's sense of humor...really? If he thinks it's wise at this point to joke around, isn't that further evidence he's unglued? I'm fascinated along with almost everyone else--the man's a walking non sequitur factory. T-shirt companies devoted to his wit and wisdom must cherish every sound bite.

Luckily for them, the hits keep on coming. Sheen's done two webcasts, the first of which even he says is bad, called Sheen's Korner. Although I believe almost everything is improved by the letter k, I'm curious: was Sheen's Corner already trademarked? And Mark Cuban is hoping the Vatican assassin can drum up some viewers with a new show on Cuban's HDnet. The premise?

"We're trying to decide," Cuban told ESPN. "Right now, we're taping a lot of different things that he's doing and we'll try to figure it out. It's still not 100 percent certain."

Is it crass to suggest he might be hoping to capture an overdose? Or perhaps the soul-puckering moment when Sheen realizes that he's not that special? With two million Twitter fans hanging on his every word, it must seem like everyone's along for his roller coaster ride. What Charlie can't know yet is that part of the thrill for us is knowing we can jump off before he runs out of track.

More, More, More:
Not About Charlie Sheen*
Charlie Sheen: I Wanna Snort Myself! Wouldn't You?

Not About Charlie Sheen*

noreply@blogger.com (kathcom) — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 01:29:00 +0000

We at Magick Sandwich believe Not About Charlie Sheen, or NACS®, should be used to identify all non-Sheen related coverage for the foreseeable future. He's being so generous that I don't think the blogosphere will run out of material anytime soon...unless he dies. How many death pools are out there already? (I'm a little bitter about this subject since my Swayze Watch® was not well-received. It was ahead of its time.)

Grasping the urgent need for other subject matter, we took a few hours to wean ourselves off living the Sheen dream, reading New Yorker cartoons of his best quotes and watching Charlie interview, then translate for Muammar Gaddafi. Hey, we're only human.

What we found afterward sickened us. Okay, me. I can't maintain the illusion of multiple staff anymore. But I'm not lying about being grossed out. This seriously almost made me puke. Too much? I can't riff like the Sheenster. So here's the deal. There's a restaurant in New York that serves live lobster. Live! You pay for the privilege of wrestling, killing and cracking open your very own sea roach.


Bring it.

I've heard vegetarians don't eat anything with a face. I don't mind that but I don't want it to still have a face when I eat it. I think the civilized thing is for someone to cut it off before it gets to me. This thing is going to be looking at me with its stalky eyes and banging its exoskeleton on my plate? No, thank you!

And isn't that the kind of thing they pay illegals to take care of in the kitchen? I would hate to put someone out of a job. I will tip generously. Just give me one degree of separation between the living thing in the fish tank and the delectable, defaced and, most important of all, predeceased dish that I ordered.

I've got to get my mind off this. Where's that Charlie Sheen Mad Lib I was working on?

Magick Sandwich

Radiant Tampons: Product of the Week

Clarity Costs Extra

Lonely on Valentine's Day? There's an App for That

My New Rehab: Opening Soon!

Spam Superstar 2011

Christmas Gifting 101: A Visual Aid

Last Minute Gifts: Wine Warning

Xmas Re-Gift: Manger Danger!

Great Holiday Gift Ideas: Bacon Edition

3 Haunted Hotels for Halloween Night

Apocalypse No?

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Let's All Shut Up About September 11th

National Milk Chocolate Day: A Strange but Tasty Holiday

Racist Beauty?

Happy Father's Day!

Don't Cry for Anthony Weiner

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