So yesterday I went for my usual morning walk after two hours of beating my head on the keyboard at work.
A nice brisk stroll over to the coffee shop for a double shot skinny latte in a milkshake cup.
As you do.
Wandering back contemplating whose arse I was going to beat black and blue for the absolute SHIT that was dumped on my desk to decipher, dodging the stream of fuck-knuckles, mouth breathers and general flotsam that haunt shopping centres/malls of the world while real people are out WORKING to pay for their XBox and drug habits, when a Gothopotamus of the, I believe, I am not 100% sure, female variety, stopped to graze dead in front of me.
I gnashed my teeth and stared her down and, seeing that she was in a trance like state as she forced that hotdog down her gullet whole, decided to go around her.
When I bumped into her mate.
Dude looked fairly normal, given the monstrosity he was roaming with, except for one thing.
He had a cigarette through the whole in his ear lobe.
Like for serious.
I weep for our future.
]]>So when we left our heroine, she was sweating buckets glistening in the kitchen icing a fuck load of cupcakes and the feral hordes invited guests were descending on the Magneto Bold Too abode.
The invitation instructed the invitees to wear ‘play clothes’ because they were to get wet and dirty.
No fucking prissy princesses at this party biatches, that honour is reserved for the Damn Emos attending the evening shenanigans.
And in case they forgot {like they could, the kids were having fucking full blown freak outs all week with the excitement. Boo’s parties are legen… wait for it… dary} the Damn Emos put a sign on the door.
Yes, I am well aware of teh internetz disdain for the word ‘moist’. And panties.
Which doubled as a drunken snigger fest later that evening.
We all congregated in the lounge while the kids threw presents and money in Boos direction and I literally sat on the airconditioner. Insert the words moist and panties here… *snigger*
For the next half hour I tried to placate the kids with hot dogs
Notice the Hebrew, dude be Israeli. Also the background music of the party on the tv in the background – wii music.
popcorn and fairy floss
as a big arse aside – we had a popcorn and fairy floss machines hired but the fucking bitch that runs the company we were hiring it from was all ‘I am too fucking lazy to fill your order so you can have like 13 bags of fairy floss and make your own popcorn…’ and I was all ‘fuck you bitch and you will NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!’ and got premade stuff that was still awesome and made sure that everyone knows never to deal with the stupid fucking mole again, cause no one disses me like that.
my WORLD FAMOUS MERINGUES and other confections
But all they wanted to do was pelt one another with wet sponges, water balloons, buckets of water and the hose.
I gave up and was all ‘have at it’…
And they did. And it was epic.
Boo spent the majority of the party in his room watching Power Ranger DVD’s and eating the chips that the kids were banned from {see party of awesome part 1}, the house was full of adults nomming on the World Famous Meringues, Emo’s were pelting random kids that either pissed them off or stood still for too long.
When the parents arrived to pick up their little darlings they were sopping wet and hyped up on a metric ton of sugar.
A sign of a successful party if you ask me.
Within minutes of the party finishing the skies exploded and it rained for a full hour.
Stopping just in time to set up for Moo’s party. A Halloween dress as slutty as possible up party.
Moo went as the Mad Hatter. In this:
Obviously that is NOT Moo. She has green hair. Derrr…
I have TONS of photos from that party, but none I can share here. Cause this is not fucking MYSPACE. Fuck me dead, when these kids adults kids get married they will be all scissor fingers and pouty faces in the church. Boob thrusting and fingers in mouths as they are pushing out the next generation in the maternity ward.
Seriously guys, surely there is a different pose you can strike. Take some lessons from Madonna, you know you can do it…
We set up MPS’s doof doof gear {MPS is a DJ} in the yard and they got their groove on while sucking down lolly water and squealing OMG I LOVE THIS SONG TAKE MY PICTURE!!!! *scissor fingers*
And there was cake. Hello Kitty Princess Castle cake in the shade of Moo’s hair. Of course…
As the party wound down bodies were strewn everywhere watching ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’ and they all fell asleep.
Fucking amateurs.
]]>I am interrupting the Parties of Awesome recap to bring you this important message…
My feedreader is exploding.
Hundreds, thousands, like lots of posts are piling on top of other unread posts…
Posts of crap, full of nothing. But not yours of course, you are awesome.
THAT goes without saying. But I will say it anyway, just in case you are like, sensitive and shit.
So, like last year, I am declaring it Nah Blo Me month. Inter-fucking-national Post When You Damn Well Feel Like It Month.
This month I will post sporadically, as is my way. Every day, once a week, whatever.
When I have something to say.
Won’t you join me?
Please?
Cause otherwise I am gunna have to go all ‘Mark as all read’ on your arses and miss something VITALLY important.
{amended thanks to Chookie, cause I have no fucking idea what the shit is called, NoBloMo/NaBloPoMo/NoIdeaWhyIAmDoingThis/whatevz. I just know DO NOT WANT!}
Because I am a bitch I am gunna make you peeps sit through a series of posts about the parties from the weekend.
Because:
- There is a shit load to tell
- They cost me the gross national income of a small African country
- They were awesome and your computer would explode from the amount of pics and awesomeness
- I wanted an excuse to try out this numbering thing
- Just because, dammit! It is my blog.
OR there may just be the one cause I get distracted and then some time in February go OMG I forgot to post the rest of the party pics and then it will be too late and you will be all ’sigh, she did it again’… So just giving you the heads up.
First of all I want to say I LOVE YOUS GUYS! And you have wicked mad weather changing skillz and I am now going to come to you for all my weather related requests (and perhaps lottery winning vibes, cause if you wish really really hard for me to win millions of dollars I will totally come to each and every one of your houses and kiss you straight on the mouth and then take you out for drinks. And mouthwash probably) because the weather was PERFECT!
It was stinking hot. Best weather ever for a party of epic water fights. We will not be able to shower for the next month cause I think we used our quota.
Another reason for you to all wish really really REALLY hard for me to win the lottery. Hard to be awesome when you smell like old unwashed lady.
So the day dawned warm and humid, with extra bodies lying all over the place after a sugar crash of epic proportions. Note to self: DO NOT get a depression of Emos to bag Fairy Floss unsupervised. More goes into their gaping maws than the bags and then they get all giggly and silly and start making blatant sexual jokes that make your head explode.
And then they fall asleep in awkward positions that make you go ‘owww. How can that possibly be comfortable?’
I took my usual position in the kitchen, wielding fondant and royal icing and various colours of food dye, the airconditioner on full so the damn cakes wouldn’t melt…
While the Damn Emos, and their pet rangas* built this:
Fucking awesome.
And cleaned up:
Nike – Employing socially awkward persons since about today.
*snort*
And decorated:
And filled up 250 water balloons. I made those biatches work for consuming their body weight in sugary confection.
While madness ensued, Boo busied himself redecorating the inside snack table:
And it stayed that way, the chips unopened, for the majority of the party…
The kids know Boo’s handwriting. And know better… Bwaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaaa!
Just as the last table was set up, the doorbell rang.
Stay tuned {or not} for part II – Boo’s party of awesomeness.
* my daughters collect friends with red hair. It is like a sport.
]]>So today was my first day back at work after the two weeks of MADNESS, MADNESS I SAY!
I was feeling rather sore and tired and a tad overwhelmed after the awesomeness of the parties of awesome, so as I wandered in I gave my usual greetings to ensure that the entire office was aware that I was finally back and they could commence fawning over me, and I surveyed the destruction of my desk where some fucker was sitting while I was gone.
Bitch stole my scissors. AND my favourite pen. And fuck me dead she adjusted my chair.
I was ready to cut a bitch. But I had no damn scissors.
Bitch.
As my fellow workers cowered at my wrath and pointed at each other for allowing some bitch to touch my shit, I spied a ‘private and confidential’ letter on my desk.
What the fuck?
I slashed open the letter, brandishing it in the general direction of my workmates, and settled down to read.
As I read a smile spread across my face. A self satisfied, about fucking time, smile.
People gathered around to see what changed my mood so quickly.
I got a pay rise. A performance based pay rise.
Because I am awesome.
And I have a piece of paper to prove it.
Awesome.
]]>So that is the weather forecast for Saturday. Well, the Bureau may have left out the last part, clearly it was just an oversight on their part.
40 ten and eleven year olds, carnival water fight party in the afternoon.
5 10 15 20 21 God knows how many screaming 17-20 year olds dressed in their finest slutty Halloween costumes in the evening.
Isolated showers and thunderstorms.
That means the little fuckers darlings fuckers invited guests will be all congregating IN. MY. HOUSE. and not in the yard.
And seriously biatches, we DO NOT WANT.
The living areas of the house are rather open plan, but I don’t want dripping wet tweens and sloshed teens anywhere near my recliner. Cause that is MINE. It has been well broken in in the few months we have had it, a perfect heart shape of my arse, the perfect distance from the TV so I can occasionally look up from my laptop to see other human beings.
I don’t want no grotty kid or slutty sans underwear teen sitting on my turf.
I want to be able to sit here, on my recliner with a nice glass of red, with the drunken teens safely locked in the backyard, occasionally wandering out to hose down the more amorous like I did to my dog that time she was in heat and we had to call the vet in the middle of the night cause they got stuck together and I had those screams in my head for YEARS afterwards.
Note to self: Buy earplugs.
So, my wonderful peeps, I have a question and a huge favour to ask.
Firstly, should I resurrect this old thing ~ MagnetoBoldTooParty ~ post the party shit here {pics/recipes/whatevz} or just clean slate it on Sunday?
And secondly, please, for the love of all things awesome and my freshly cleaned floors {oh and my kick arse rug} pray to your chosen deity – God, Allah, Goddess, Ceiling Cat, the Great Spaghetti Monster et al – send good vibes, do a little dance, whatever gets you going, that the skies will remain clear for both of the parties on Saturday, no rain, no gatecrashers, no blood and no teen pregnancies that can be traced back to the party.
I am relying on you peeps. Don’t let me down. 
Today my angel boy turned eleven.
Eleven.
That number just blows my mind.
This morning, despite the fact that he has been ADAMANT that it is NOT his birthday, he was up bright and early waiting for his present.
The present that he already knew what it was thanks to MOTY’s expert babysitting skillz, watching TV while Boo ransacked my room and was found stimming madly at the open box. *sigh*
this is so freaking awesome!
The boy has never loved a present more in his life. It is a Samurai Sentai Shinkenger DX Shinken-oh and yes I totally cut and pasted that word from the website, cause day-um. Boo has a whole list of shit he wants from that website, not for Christmas of course, just for a special present day. Oh, I see. I am thinking special present day falls on December 25 buddy…
When we arrived at school kids swarmed around wishing Boo a Happy Birthday making my heart sing.
At recess I delivered 3 fucking dozen cupcakes for the kids {and teachers and support staff} to share in Boo’s birthday celebrations. Despite the fact that it was ‘NOT MY BIRTHDAY MUM!’
*snigger*
Hamburger cupcakes. Sorry, I can’t remember where I got the idea from.
Vanilla cupcakes, chocolate cake ‘patties’, yellow fondant cheese and icing ’sauce’
Tonight we celebrated the day that must not be named with a barbeque and yet another Japanese themed cake.
this little fucker nearly did my damn head in.
Apparently this dude is a Pokemon, Piplup to be exact. Whatevz.
Happy Birthday Boo. Every day you continue to amaze and frustrate the ever living shit out of me. The way it should be.
{phew! Just scraped in with minutes to spare to post this on his birthday!}
]]>Today Moo turns 18.
EIGHTEEN.
This holy terror…
is now taller than me, but really no different except that beautiful blonde hair is now black and green.
When I woke this morning she was all ready awake, sitting up in bed all expectant. PRESENTS!
Which is where the fucking with the mind comes in.
Moo has been lusting after a MacBook, desperately hinting and not so hinting at perhaps maybe we, if we loved her at ALL and were good parents, should purchase one for her birthday. And we were all whatever brat, go and put the washing away.
And we bought one. Of course. Cause we are suckers. And just a little bit afraid. I mean LOOK AT THAT PHOTO!
But, you know, we couldn’t make it that easy for her so planted seeds of we couldn’t afford it and maybe she would prefer something more permanent, yada yada.
So last night I wrapped up an old ring case with a note:
OMG you should have seen her face! It was priceless. Totally ‘present face’. You know the face you pull when you really really want something but you get some other shit and you are all ‘Wow! Thankyou! It is just what I wanted!’ and the whole time you are just dying inside.
Kinda like me on every birthday and Christmas. Cause MOTY has NO CLUE when it comes to presents.
Anyway… the note directed her to the hall cupboard and there was the MacBook. The new, shiny, just released MacBook.
*sigh*
And she lost her mind and has been playing on it ever since. She probably wont shower.
Tonight we are going out to dinner with her friends to the place I went to on my 18th birthday. How freaking COOL is that!
And we will be taking along her birthday cake.
A sushi cake with little asian girls, modelled on Kimmidoll.
The sushi is made of fruit rollups, LCM bars, red licorice and jelly snakes
the bowl of ’soy sauce’ and chopsticks are fondant
We have been walking around all day saying ‘So Kawaii’
I am considering dressing as a Harajuku girl. But it wont embarrass her nearly enough for the effort involved.
Happy Birthday Moo. I love you.
]]>Well Birthday Week is in full swing.
Today I have baked 5 cakes and 75 cupcakes, made 60 stars and 25 princess crowns out of fondant and rocked on down to 6 hours of 80’s awesomeness.
Oh and explained to Boo that they are in fact saying ‘Our lips are sealed’ not his fathers version of ‘Alex the seal’
And begged Moo to stop singing along to ‘I want your sex’ cause that shit was MINE and I can’t be having no SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD CHILD OF MINE singing along to that cause that would make me old.
Which, clearly, given the awesome moves I was rocking despite the old lady shaggers sore back that is perfectly normal to have even if you are not a mother of children that on Monday can VOTE and shit, makes me young and virile.
Are women virile? Whatever, the POINT IS I am not old I am young and bouncy and perky.
If only someone would pass that information on to my boobs. And my arse.
ANYWAY.
The point of this post is to show off my mad cake making skillz and the fact that I have passed that shit down to a Damn Emo. So with no further interruptions Kelley, I give you the Wii cake of awesomeness.
Don’t you just WISH you were in my family so I could slave over a cake for you while bent over like that witch in Snow White but instead of giving you a poisioned apple I would give you a fucking AWESOME lemon curd cake lovingly carved into the shape of your favourite pastime that may or may not be poisoned?
It is like Russian roulette of cakes.
Especially when I am hovering over you bent over like the witch in Snow White screaming EAT IT EAT IT MWAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAAAAA!
The above was probably caused by all the drugs and 4 extra large double shot lattes I had consumed, but whatever...
And looky here, my apprentice Too made this scale model or for those who are nerds or wordsmiths a Homunculus, of my Daddy’s Mii.
So fucking cute I could spit.
But I won’t cause, you know, we just had the carpets cleaned and all.
Now I need a nice lay down. With a little shawl to cover my knees.
]]>Today marks a milestone for all Year 12 students, the final day of school yes, but more importantly, today is MUCK UP DAY!
W00T!
Or in the case of the forementioned poor bastards that live near high schools, night of the living dead.
All around Victoria Year 12 students in various states of undress and sobriety wander the streets celebrating the end of high school.
Oh Muck Up Day, I remember you well.
Our day was marred by the little fuckers the year before that went on a drunken rampage AT 6 AM and smashed all the school windows. So we had a little visit from the boys in blue.
We yukked it up anyway with condom balloons (back in the day when you could only get them from the pharmacy and not just stroll into Safeway and chuck a couple of packets in with the milk and Bok Choy) water pistols, plastic wrap and vegemite on the toilet seats and streamers of toilet paper.
Oh and commandeering the principals office as a ‘command centre of lurrrrrve’
And here is a picture. {well a picture of a picture because I am a dumbarse and can’t work the scanner, will replace with a better pic when IT support gets home}
ZMOG look at those EYEBROWS!
That is me and our American exchange student Kim moments before getting attacked with water condoms and dragged into the command centre of lurrrrrrve.
The shrieks of protest and horror at my eighties hair getting wet could be heard from space.
Today Moo is at her own Muck Up Day. Dressed as a pirate. Apparently it will be a low key affair of water balloons and condoms.
Seems things never change.
So did YOU have a muck up day on your last day of highschool and if so what shenanigans did you get up to?
]]>