Maine Resilience Blog

Hope: Optimism With a Plan

2017-02-13T08:38:00.001-05:00

A Look at the Key Components of Hope

Recently I have noticed a commercial that plays frequently on television. It has to do with a couple, a young couple, who is trying to stay within their grocery budget. In the commercial they are known as “The Hopefuls.” They are hopeful in that they may be able to stay within budget the next time they visit their grocery. But, alas, they fail. Consistently they go over budget until the cashier at their market comes to their rescue. She introduces them to a new app that will help them stay within budget. They make a plan to use the new app in making their grocery list and to their amazement, they accomplish their goal of not overspending. The end.

The advertisement does include some of the key components of hope. First of all, hope is future oriented. The young couple is concerned with the future. And secondly, hope is based on a system of belief that you can find a pathway to achieve your goal. For the young couple that is staying within their budget. And last of all, hope involves a plan. If the young couple uses the app that they have been shown, they will hopefully be able to reach the desired goal. That is their plan.

In the next few blogs, we are going to be talking more about hope and its relationship to resilience and to other positive states, such as optimism, self-esteem and side-efficacy. So I will take a few moments to define these terms. As we have discussed in this blog repeatedly, resilience is the ability to come back, to bounce back from a minor disappointment, such as having to spend more on car repairs than you expected, or from a major life event, such as the death of someone close. It shares many similarities with hope, but it is distinct from hope.

Optimism is the belief that positive events will occur and negative events will hopefully be rare. It is similar to hope in that it is thought based, but it does not necessarily mean that the person is optimistic as specific goals are planned.

Self-esteem is the emotion that results from an assessment of ourselves in terms of our worth and value. It is similar to hope in that goal-directed thoughts are part of it, but it is different in that self-esteem is more emotionally based.

Self-efficacy, as we have discussed previously when we were talking about the readiness to change, is the belief in one’s ability to execute a change in your life or to complete a task that you have established for yourself. Self-efficacy focuses, like hope, on pathways to achieving a goal, but it is more focused on specific situations and is less emotionally based. And last of all is happiness, which is another emotional state. It is similar to hope in that both focus on positive inner experiences, but happiness is more emotion based and hope is more belief based.

In the next blog we will talk about the key characteristics of hopeful people.

Ron Breazeale, PhD

The Processes of Change: A Continued Discussion of James Prochaska's Theory

2017-02-07T08:24:00.000-05:00

In the previous three posts we have talked about the processes that can help people move through the change process. In the last post we identified five of the processes of change, the first being a willingness to find out new information and facts and to explore community resources that could support you in being able to make the change that you are contemplating.

The second process involved being able to express both negative and positive emotions regarding the change process such as talking about your fears and anxieties and worries as well as your aspirations and your desire to change.

The third process we identified was doing a self-reevaluation. Looking at how making the change that you are contemplating will change the way you view yourself and others view you.

The fourth process we discussed was being able to reevaluate the impact of the change that you are contemplating making on your social and physical environment and the negative impact of not making a change.

The fifth process of change is the need for you to believe in your own ability to change and believing that you can make a commitment based on those belief and follow through with it.

There are five more processes of change that we will discuss briefly. If we assume that you have been thinking about the pros and the cons of making a change and been weighing those carefully and that your preparing hopefully to make a decision, a process that will be very helpful will be seeking and using family, friends and community support to help you make the change that you are contemplating.

It will also be helpful if you could begin to think differently and behave differently. In other words, substituting positive thoughts and behaviors for negative thoughts and behaviors that will keep you from making the change that you are considering.

Figuring out a way of rewarding yourself, both internally or externally, for making these positive changes and decreasing the rewards of not engaging in the new behavior will help you in following through with the action steps you are taking and with maintaining the changes that you have made.

You also want to remove reminders or cues that inhibit your new behaviors and you want to modify your environment so as to facilitate and encourage you to continue with the change. In AA, this means avoiding people and places and things associated with alcohol.

The last process that Prochaska and his colleagues identified was one they labeled “social liberation.” They defined it as realizing that the social norms and environment are changing and can help support the new behavior that you are engaging in, such as seeking a new job. This, in part, means realizing that the people around you and the new people you encounter will support you in making the changes that you are making and in maintaining those changes. Finding a new job, giving up a pattern of excessive drinking, not smoking, etc., will, in general, be reinforced by the social norms and the environment that you are a part of.

Change is a difficult process. Even positive changes are hard and produce stress. Understanding the stages that we need to move through to make changes in our life will help us deal better with the adversity that we may face.

Ron Breazeale, PhD

The Processes of Change: Exploring the Transtheoretical Model of Change

2017-02-04T09:26:00.000-05:00

In the last two posts, we have talked specifically about the change process and about the stages of change identified by James Prochaska and his colleagues through their research. In this post and the next, I will briefly summarize some of the processes of change that can help an individual move through the stages of change.

If we assume that an individual is not thinking about making any type of change in their life, we would assume that they are in the pre-contemplation stage. In order to get them to move into the contemplation stage and to move through the contemplation stage, they need to be willing to find and learn maybe new facts or ideas or see what community resources are available to help them in making a change in their behavior. This may be finding out more information about addiction or resources such as AA. The second process to help people through the pre-contemplation and contemplation stages is the opportunity to talk about and express the emotions and feelings that they have about changing or to express either the positive or negative emotions that go along with engaging in something new and something that produces some anxiety, such as seeking a new job.

As people move into the third stage from the second stage of change, people need to look at themselves and reevaluate who they are and how they will be different and how they will identify themselves if they make the change that they are contemplating. They also need to realize the positive impact that making the change may have on others and on their physical environment, such as getting a new job. Through seeking a new job, they may develop new relationships that are more satisfying in their life and getting a new job may help them to finally get a car that runs. People also need to look at the negative impact of not following through or making the change; e.g., continuing financial problems in the old job, working for someone that they do not respect or with people they do not like.

And last of all, as I have said in the previous posts, a lot of making the change and making a decision to follow through with the change involves believing in one’s ability to change and making a commitment based on those beliefs. This often involves saying out loud to yourself and to others what you are planning on doing and what you are willing to make a commitment to do.

In the next post, we will talk more about the processes of change and those that can help people move from making a decision to actually taking action and maintaining the changes that they have made.

Ron Breazeale, PhD

Making Changes in Our Lives: Exploring the Transtheoretical ModelofChange

2017-02-04T09:24:00.000-05:00

In the last post we discussed the change process and what we know about it. Specifically, we talked about the research of James Prochaska and his colleagues and the Stages of Change model that he has developed. His Transtheoretical Model of Change explains in part why people stay in bad situations and in toxic relationships either with another person or with a drug.

So, how do you change? Prochaska would say that you have to begin to weigh in a somewhat systematic way the pros and the cons of making a change in your life. For someone who is an alcoholic, it means looking honestly at what the pros of drinking are and what the cons of drinking are. I often suggest that my patients make a list of the pros and the cons and put weights on each one. It also means that you evaluate your ability to make the change and to follow through with the change process. This has to do in part with believing in yourself and having the skills, many of those the skills and the attitudes of resilience, to follow through with the change that you have decided you will make. Prochaska believes that people will only make a change when the pros clearly outweigh the cons of making a change and when people believe that they can be successful in following through with the change.

The person is then ready to make a decision about what change they will make and to make a commitment to the change process. Once that is made, people can move into the action stage. This involves getting the help that you may need to make the change, such as attending AA on a regular basis or getting a sponsor or really connecting with a smoking cessation program that will support you in the process of giving up the bad habit. For many of us, the action stage is often the easiest. The hard work is often the weighing of the pros and the cons and making a commitment to action steps that we will take.

After we have made the change through the action steps, we move into what is called the maintenance stage. This involves being able to maintain the changes that we’ve made, and this is also a difficult stage for many of us. Changing is hard, but maintaining the change is often harder. This often means getting the support that we need to maintain the change that we have made.

In my next post, I will talk more about the processes of change that can help an individual in moving from pre-contemplation to contemplation, to decision, to action, and to maintenance.

Ron Breazeale, PhD

2017-01-28T19:05:00.001-05:00

Change-Exploring Prochaska's Transtheoretical Model

For most of us making a change is a difficult process, even good ones. Change requires that we do something different and quite often demands that the people around us do something different. Many would argue that we are creatures who like routine and sameness. We get comfortable with the groove that we are in, even if it becomes a rut. So, as the research suggests, many of us feel stressed that we have to make changes in our life, even positive ones.

James Prochaska and his colleagues have been doing research on the change process for years. They have created what is called The Transtheoretical Model of Change which uses stages of change to integrate processes and principles of change that they have identified through their work. Prochaska became interested in the change process when he became involved in research on getting people to give up smoking. He soon realized that most of the existing programs were not terribly effective because they assumed that people were ready to make a change when most weren’t. In studying organizational change, Prochaska and his colleagues found that the majority of people in organization aren’t really ready to make changes when new management comes in. To be effective in creating change in an organization or an individual, the people involved in the process must be ready to change. This means that they have moved through the initial stages of the change process, what Prochaska has labeled as “pre-contemplation” and then “contemplation,” and finally have reached the decision stage where they can then make a decision and move into the action stage of actually making the change.

Most people in an organization, as I said, are often not ready to make a change because they haven’t really contemplated how the change would impact their lives or whether they can make a commitment to the change process. The same thing is true if someone is thinking about giving up smoking. They are often pre-contemplators. They aren’t even thinking seriously about making the change.

Pre-contemplators move to the second stage of change, contemplation, when you can get them to begin to think about the pros and the cons of making a change in their lives and whether they really have the efficacy, meaning the ability and motivation, to carry through with the change. Both are critical in determining whether people will make a decision to change and then follow through with an action plan.

So, how does all of this relate to dealing with adversity? To begin with, it may explain why people stay in bad situations — a bad relationship at work or a bad relationship at home, and why people continue to engage in behaviors, such as smoking, excessive use of alcohol and drugs when they “know” that these things are destructive to their health.

Understanding the change process could help people move out of difficult situations, give up bad habits and, in general, deal with adversity in their lives. We’ll talk more about this in the next post.

Ron Breazeale PhD

Personal Safety- Will guns make us safer?

2016-12-04T19:30:00.001-05:00

At a time when fear seems to be driving our society, safety is a major issue. Many people don’t feel safe. Many believe that the crime rate has increased over the past few years. The reality is that it has decreased significantly since the 1970s and that the ‘70s in many ways were the most dangerous times for personal safety for people in this society.

Unfortunately, the media does much to perpetuate the fear that exists. The old saying in the newsroom is, ‘If it bleeds, it leads.’ Shootings and personal tragedies are at the top of the news broadcasts. We are constantly bombarded with ads for personal safety systems, alarms that will tell us if our house is being broken into and will alert the police. Many people believe that they must own a gun in order to be safe, and they are fearful that their guns will be taken away by the government. I own a gun, an old service revolver that I wore when I worked for the sheriff’s department many years ago. I must say, though, that it doesn’t make me feel any safer having it in the house. In fact, statistics suggest that having a firearm in the home makes it more likely that someone in your family may die, rather than an intruder.

And do we really need assault weapons with huge magazines? I doubt it. I don’t think the Vandals are going to be at the gate anytime soon.

Whether we feel safe or not has much to do with our perception of the situation. This is not to say that there aren’t places one should avoid on a dark night, but how we see things has a lot to do with whether we feel safe or we don’t. If we believe that one event can make everything good or everything bad in our lives, we are likely to not feel very safe. If we believe that when bad things happen they are permanent and will never change, we are likely to not feel very safe. If we blame ourselves or other people for the problems that we face, we are less likely to feel safe. This is not to say that bad things don’t happen and that people should not be accountable for their actions. But believing that one event -- for example a job promotion or lack of it -- can make everything good or bad, or that when something happens it is permanent, either good or bad, or being engaged in the blame game makes us more vulnerable to feeling unsafe. Changing our thinking may go a lot further to making us feel safe than buying a firearm.

Dr. Ron Breazeale

The 2016 Election - Part Two

2016-12-04T19:11:00.000-05:00

Dealing with the issues that divide this country.

In the last blog we talked about the present reality that we find ourselves in presenting a number of opportunities for us to address the issues that have separated us and continue to divide this country. We talked about the importance of connecting with others and communicating with others, specifically listening to others, especially those we don’t agree with. Being flexible both in our thinking and in our behavior. Specifically, trying in a different way to address the issues that we have been struggling with in this country for many, many years.

We also talked about the importance of dealing with your feelings and discharging and venting them so that they don’t get in the way of you thinking clearly in the present. And last of all, we talked about the importance of being optimistic about the future.

Things will continue to change. Everything, both good and bad, is temporary. And few things, even an election, have a pervasive effect on everything in your world. This was an important election and indeed things have changed, but much has remained the same. Especially the issues that divide us. And last of all, we talked about not getting into the blame game. Don’t get engaged in the scapegoating that will be occurring now. We can hold people accountable and hold ourselves accountable without blaming others.

And here are a few more on my checklist of things to do.

1.) Act on your values. We assume that many people were doing that when they voted. But that was only the start. We now need to make realistic plans for action and we need to carry them through. So far, a relatively peaceful change has occurred. We can learn from that. On whichever side of the political fence you are, change usually occurs slowly. At least I think that is true for lasting changes. Action, patience and hard work are required on both sides.
2.) Be self-confident that what you can do has an impact. Change has occurred over the last forty years. Significant changes. It may not feel that way to some people today, but as a child of the Sixties who grew up in a segregated South, a lot have changed. Granted, a lot has not. Our generation needs to finish the job that we started. We need to at least help the present generation, our children, to do this. Too many of us have given up and too many of us have sold out to the “greed is good” model of capitalism.

3.) Humor. Don’t direct it at the people who are different from you, the people you don’t agree with. First, try directing it at yourself. As Americans, we have done many miraculous things. But we should remember that many people in other countries of this world are amazed at what has just happened in our country. They might agree with Bill Murray’s line in the old movie, Stripes, when he says, “We’re Americans and we have been thrown out of every respectable country in the world.” They might also agree with Churchill’s quote, that "Americans can be counted on to do the right thing after they’ve exhausted every other option.” Part of listening to others is listening to other members of the international community and their perception of us.

4.) We need to take care of ourselves during this time. We need to throw ourselves into whatever cause we are promoting at present, but we also need to make sure that we get enough sleep, exercise, and maintain a decent diet. We’re not going to be effective advocating for anything if we are not taking care of ourselves, physically, emotionally and financially.

5.) We also need to take care of others. We need to care for our brothers or sisters in this country regardless of their race, religion, sexual preference or politics. We need to make America kind...again. There’s only one ship for all of us, and it’s THE USS UNITED STATES.

Ronald L. Breazeale, Ph.D.

Author, Duct Tape Isn’t Enough and First Night

2016-11-27T10:09:00.001-05:00

The Election

The election is over and most of us would agree that that’s a good thing. Most of us would also agree that the next few months or years may be difficult ones. The good news is that we have an opportunity to address the things, the issues, that have separated us and divided us. To do this, we will need the skills and the attitudes of resilience. So here is my checklist of things to do.

1. Connect with others, especially with people that you have disagreed with. Failing to do this is what has gotten us to the place where we are presently are.

2. Communicate with others. Don’t just talk, but listen. Especially, again, to people that you don’t agree with. Too often we spend time composing our argument back rather than listening to what the person is saying.

3. Be flexible, both in your thoughts and your actions. This is a time for trying in a different way. We need to be creative. Rigid people usually aren’t. Use your head. Negotiate and, yes, compromise. In a democracy you can’t always have it your way. That’s why they call it a democracy.

4. Deal with your feelings about what has happened. If your candidate lost, honor your grief. Keeping it inside is not a good idea. Anger and grief are toxic emotions that will hurt you in the end. Vent and let go of them.Cry.Scream if you need to but not at other people. Discharge them so you can think more clearly. If you are feeling elated by the results of the election, realize that many people aren’t.Respect others.

5. Be optimistic. Things will change again. The next few months are a short chapter in a long book. Look around. Look at the big picture. Not everything has changed. One event seldom has a pervasive effect on the whole picture. And last of all, don’t blame. Unfortunately, this will be a time when people look for a scapegoat. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame other people. You can hold them accountable for their actions and you need to hold yourself accountable for your own. But this is different from blame. It doesn’t have a heavy dose of negative emotion that blame has.

Now, applying these skills and attitudes to the present situation will not be easy. But it’s your country and it’s your life. What you do or don’t do will affect the lives of your family, your children, and the other inhabitants of this earth.

In the next blog, we’ll talk more about how the skills and the attitudes of resilience can be applied to dealing with the aftermath of the election.

Ronald L. Breazeale, Ph.D.

Author, Duct Tape Isn’t Enough and First Night

Employee Involvement

2016-08-11T13:00:00.000-04:00

Employee involvement. Seems like a nice idea, doesn’t it? But employers often find that they have a hard time actively engaging their employees in the organization. Many say that this is one of the problems that they have in trying to implement health and wellness programs.

In the previous blog, I discussed the Psychologically Healthy Workplace awards program sponsored by the American Psychological Association and state and provincial psychological associations across the U.S. and Canada. Employee involvement is one of the five areas that are evaluated by APA or the state or provincial associations when an organization has applied for the award. The evaluation process has three parts. The application in which an organization is asked to describe one of the practices it makes use of in creating a psychological healthy workplace, environment that it feels is very effective, a survey of employees at all levels within the organization, and a site visit. The evaluation process, although extensive, does not cost the organization anything but some time and effort. The first two steps are completed online. After the site visit, the organization is given feedback regarding the five areas that are being evaluated. How to get employees engaged in the mission of the organization is often one of the areas that employers want to talk about.

Imagine the following scenario: Use the skills and attitudes of resilience to address this challenge. You are the HR person for your organization, a medium-size manufacturing company. You offer a number of health and wellness programs for your employees, but less than 20% participate. You are frustrated and don’t understand why more employees don’t take advantage of this generous benefit that your organization offers.

Now, give some thought to how the skills and the attitudes of resilience might be helpful in dealing with this situation. Here are some suggestions that we have that you might think about applying to the situation.

First, you need to consider how you communicate with your employees and how connected they are to you and the company. Do they feel valued by the organization or do they think this is being done just to reduce the cost to the company in health benefit claims? You also may need to deal with some of the strong feelings you have about this issue so you can think more clearly about how to deal with this challenge.

Talk with others about what they would do or have done in a similar situation.You may come up with others skills and attitudes you could apply.

In the next blog, we’re going to talk about work/life balance. Unfortunately, many organizations spend a good deal of time talking about this, but don’t really walk the walk.

My Job

2016-08-11T12:59:00.002-04:00

The bad news is that for many Americans their job is a major source of stress for them. The good news is that employers and the employee can make their workplace less stressful and more psychologically healthy.

In the late nineties, the American Psychological Association began giving an award to workplaces that were “psychologically healthy.” Workplaces could apply for the award and be evaluated on five areas: employee involvement, work/life balance, employee growth and development, health and safety, and employee recognition. Since the program began over six hundred awards have been given by the American Psychological Association and state psychological associations. The award has shown a light on organizations’ good practices.

Today, most state and provincial psychological associations in the United States and Canada participate in the awards program. The awards continue to recognize organizations that commit to programs and policies that foster employee well-being while enhancing organizational performance.

Why am I writing about this in a blog that focuses on resilience? Because I believe that keeping in mind and practicing the skills and the attitudes of resilience can help employers and employees create psychologically healthy workplaces. In the next few months I’m going to focus on the five areas on which organizations are evaluated and how the skills and attitudes of resilience can be helpful in dealing with the challenges that employers may face in creating work/life balance, recognizing their employees,creating healthy and safe workplaces,involving their employees in decision making and fostering their growth and development.

For more information about the Psychologically Healthy Workplace awards, contact the American Psychological Association at apaexcellence.org or contact your state psychological association.

Managing Stress

2016-08-11T12:58:00.002-04:00

In this blog over the years I’ve talked a lot about the management of stress. The skills ofresilience are really stress management skills. They are also the skills of emotional intelligence These areas overlap a lot and have a lot to do with the issue of happiness as well.

Recently, I was asked to do an interview with a national magazine around the issue of stress management. The author wanted specific recommendations regarding how to manage stress quickly. We talked for about a half-hour and came up with a number of strategies; again, strategies very directly related to resilience as well as to the management of stress.

The management of stress has much to do with the beliefs that we hold about ourselves and other people. And about the world in general. In this blog, I’ve talked a lot about the issues of permanency and pervasiveness and personal blame. It is easy for us to get into this type of thinking which, as Seligman has defined repeatedly in his research, has much to do with pessimism and depression. So challenging our beliefs has much to do with resilience and with managing stress on a daily basis. We make assumptions about how we should look, feel and behave. We also often get into black and white thinking. We say things like, ‘If I don’t get this promotion, I’m never going to get ahead in life.’ Or, ‘If this relationship fails, I will never find another person that I can love or could love me.’

Managing stress often involves challenging these assumptions and these beliefs. We need to argue with ourselves rather than simply accept these beliefs at face value.

We also need to find ways of channeling and expressing the stress that we are feeling. Sometimes we can do this by simply talking to others. Exercise can also be a very good idea. And engaging in creative activities, like drawing, writing or painting, can also work.

We also need to get our lives organized and directed. Before we can do this, we usually need to decide what is most important and what our goals really are right now. We can often make what may appear to be an overwhelming agenda manageable by writing it down and then realistically prioritizing the things that we can accomplish and making a plan to accomplish them.

So managing stress may be as simple some days as making a list and prioritizing the list, challenging our beliefs and what we must accomplish and finding ways to express our frustrations and often our anger specifically using creative activities as a channel.

Resilience has much to do with managing stress, and the skills of resilience and stress management are very, very similar to the ones that Goldman and others have defined as emotional intelligence and that those working in the area of positive psychology believe can lead to people feeling happier and more satisfied with their lives.

The Shopping Trip

2016-08-11T12:57:00.002-04:00

As I have done in previous blogs, I’m going to present a challenge from the card game, “Bounce Back.” Your job is list the skills and the attitudes of resilience that you would use in dealing with the challenge. Describe how you would respond to the challenge using these skills.

This one relates to Jack and Diane taking a shopping trip to the mall. They are looking for new outfits for an upcoming event that they were invited to. They both try on several articles of clothing trying to find the perfect ensemble. By the end of trying on everything, their arms were quite full. After ringing up the items and leaving the store, Jack notices that he is still holding a pair of jeans that he forgot to get rung up. The clerk had not noticed and neither did Diane. Jack really wanted these jeans as well. It was a simple mistake, but he thought he could not just take them home. What skills should Jack use to resolve this dilemma Should he just head home or head back to the store and explain the situation? Should he ask for Diane’s advice?

Here are some of the skills that we think would be useful to Jack in dealing with this situation. Obviously, these are only suggestions. One size does not fit all, and everyone is different.

We would first off suggest that Jack deal with the feelings that he has about himself and the options that he has in terms of his behavior. How will he feel if he doesn’t take the item back? Will he be comfortable shopping in this store in the future? This is a situation where we think talking about it would be a good idea. We would suggest asking Diane’s advice.

If he decides to take the jeans back, we would think that giving some thought to what he would say would be a good idea. Using humor might also help.

Dealing with a situation requires Jack to look at the values that he has as a person and as to how he sees himself and feels about himself. How he will act on his values will determine the outcome of this situation.

Talking with others about how they would deal with a similar situation or how they have dealt with a similar situation would be helpful. Again, you may come up with other skills and attitudes that you would apply in the situation. In using this game over the years, we have found that it encourages people to really think about what they would do in a specific situation and requires them to actually demonstrate how they would apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to the challenge.

The Car Accident

2016-08-11T12:56:00.005-04:00

As in past blogs, I’m going to present a challenge from the game, “Bounce Back,” which has been developed into an electronic game that will be available on the Internet in the fall of this year. The game is a tool that we have been using in teaching the skills and attitudes of resilience. It is a serious game, meaning that it teaches skills that ask you to apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to a specific challenge and describe how you would respond to that challenge using these skills. And just like life, we don’t know what challenge we will be dealt.

This one involves a car accident. After a car collision on the Interstate caused by Kelly texting and driving, Kelly finds herself in the hospital with minor injuries. Next door, she can hear the doctor and parents of a person that was put into a coma with severe head injuries from the same accident. It doesn’t sound good. The doctor enters Kelly’s room and is asking her permission to let the coma patient’s parents speak to her about the accident. Kelly is wracked with guilt, unsure how the conversation will go moving forward. She agrees to see the parents. What skills and attitudes should Kelly apply in this situation?

This is obviously a difficult situation for Kelly. She feels responsible for the accident. She will have to really manage the strong feelings that she has if she is going to be able to communicate with the other patient’s parents. She will need to try to make some connection with these people and will need to use the communication skills that she has to understand what they are requesting of her and to communicate to them the feelings that she has about the situation.

After the conversation, she will need to connect with others who can support her. And she will need to talk about the feelings that the conversation brought up. She will need to take care of herself.

We would encourage you to talk with others about this situation. Some of your family and friends may have been in a situation like this. You may come up with other skills and attitudes that you could apply to the situation. As we have said in earlier blogs, every situation and every individual is different. Again, we would encourage you to think this through and to talk with others about how they have dealt with similar situations.

We have found over the years that using this game encourages people to really think about what they would do in a specific situation and requires them to actually demonstrate how they would apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to the challenge.

So talk about it with others. We will present another challenge in our next blog

The Hurricane

2016-08-11T12:56:00.002-04:00

As I have done in previous blogs, I’m going to present a challenge from the card game “Bounce Back.” Your job is to list the skills and the attitudes of resilience that you would use in dealing with the challenge. Describe how you would respond to the challenge using these skills. Here’s one that relates to the weather: very, very bad weather.

A hurricane is moving up the coast and is approaching the community you’ve lived in most of your life. Your home may be damaged severely or destroyed. What would you do in the time, one or two days, before the storm strikes? Describe the skills and the attitudes of resilience that you would use in preparing for the storm’s arrival. Take some time and think about this and what skills and attitudes you might apply to this situation.

Here are some of the suggestions we have about ways that you might deal with this challenge. Again, these are only suggestions. Every situation is different, as is every person.

First of all, we would encourage you to deal with the strong feelings that we would assume you might have. You need to calm down and to think clearly about what you’re going to do. That means managing all of these feelings. Talking with others may help you to calm down. It may also help you to connect with others and understand how they are approaching the situation and what they are doing to prepare. Connecting with others is an important skill to apply in any crisis situation.

Your connection with others will also help you to make realistic plans and to take action to carry them out.

Being flexible will also help you to deal with the situation. Being rigid, either in your thinking or your actions, generally does not help one to deal with a crisis situation. You may have to try in a different way to deal with the problem. The storm may be different from others that you have weathered. Be open to new information. Don’t get stuck. It could cost you your life.

We have found that using this game and its challenges encourages people to really think about what they would do in a specific situation and requires them to actually demonstrate how they would apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to the challenge. Put yourself in this situation and think through what you would actually do.

We would encourage you to talk about this challenge with others. Asking them what they would do. If you value their opinion and their direction, asking them can be a very important part of developing a plan of action and approaching the situation in a flexible and adaptive fashion.

Post-Traumatic Growth

2016-08-11T12:55:00.005-04:00

Much has been written about post-traumatic stress disorder. We have posted blogs discussing this problem and suggesting ways in which the skills and the attitudes ofresilience could be helpful. Undoubtedly, when we go through traumatic situations, they cause stress and they can cause damage and create scars that will last for a long time. But many of these will not be permanent. And, indeed, if we survive the trauma, we may develop attitudes and skills that will help us in dealing with our life in general and with future traumas.

A number of years ago, a group of psychologists decided they would do a meta-analysis of all of the studies of child sexual abuse, focused specifically at how victims of this abuse survived and what happened to them in later years. Do they carry the scars of their abuse forever? How well-adjusted were they? Did they marry? Have children? Create relatively normal and positive lives for themselves? Somewhat to the surprise of some of the researchers, they found that, indeed, the majority of victims of such abuse developed relatively normal, healthy lives in later years. They did not in all cases. In fact, did not in most cases carry permanent scars that hindered them from having relatively healthy and productive lives.

The researchers expected that their study would be greeted in a positive way by others in the field. To their dismay, many in the field were exceedingly critical of them and their research and appeared to want to maintain the idea that the majority of people who are abused as children will be damaged for life. Will be damaged forever. This is not what the research showed. Indeed, some were, but many were not. Their study illustrates that human beings are amazingly resilient creatures and that children and adolescents especially are. The participants in these studies were victims initially. But in the end they were survivors.

Out of their research and the work of a number of other people, the concept of post-traumatic growth has developed. The concept is basically one of: If it doesn’t kill you, it may, indeed, make you stronger.

For most of us who have worked in this field for many years, the concept of post-traumatic growth is not a new one. Long before extensive research was done in this area, most of us were quite aware of the individuals that we had worked with who had actually grown and developed new skills and attitudes in dealing with the traumatic experiences that they had had in their lives. The field of positive psychology has benefited from this research and has used much of it as a cornerstone for the positive psychology “movement.” The positive psychology movement is not focused on denying the impact of trauma on our lives. Individuals can be damaged and, in some cases, destroyed by the traumas that they experience in their lives. But many may learn the skills and the attitudes that will carry them through and allow them to have meaningful and productive lives.

If you haven’t read much about this area, I would encourage you to look on the Internet for articles about post-traumatic growth. A number of these have been authored by Dr. Martin Seligman and his colleagues.

Does your job put you at risk for terrorist acts?

2016-08-11T12:55:00.002-04:00

In our last blog, we presented a challenge that had to do with dealing with the fear of terrorism. The risk we pointed out for the situation we described was relatively low. We asked you to describe how you would deal with the challenge by using the skills and the attitudes of resilience.

In this blog, we are going to be talking about terrorism again, but describe a situation where the risk of a terrorist act may be much higher.

You work for a company that contracts with the U.S. government to provide services to the military. You travel with your job, but usually within the United States and usually to places that are not at high risk of a terrorist act. Your boss, however, has decided that he wants you to travel to the Middle East and meet with a contract administrator who works with the military. The trip will take you to Baghdad and you will be staying in a hotel there and meeting with the administrator for a number of days. It is important to your company that the details of the contract be worked out. You have the knowledge base to do this and have done it in similar situations, but not in a war zone. You are married and have children. You are well paid by your company and will be paid an additional bonus if your contract negotiations are successful. The additional money would be helpful, since you are planning to send your children to college and eventually put away some money for your own retirement.

What would you do in this situation? How would you use the skills and the attitudes of resilience to deal with this situation?

As before, we would ask you to take some time and think about this and about what you would do. Try to put yourself into the situation.

Here are some of our suggestions about ways that you might deal with the situation. Again, these are only suggestions, and every individual and every situation is different. We are sure that there are other ideas that you may have or others may have about how to deal with the situation. You may have dealt with something similar in your own life or you may have a friend or a relative who has. Talk with them.

First off, we would suggest that you be aware of any feelings that you may have about this request by your employer. We would think you would have feelings, and pretty strong ones. If you’re going to deal with feelings in this situation, you will need to acknowledge that they exist.

We would encourage you as part of this process to talk with others; specifically, your spouse and your friends about what you are planning on doing and what they might do. Communication would be important.

It would also be important to be realistic about what you are going to be dealing with. Weigh the pros and the cons of this situation. Make a realistic plan about what you are going to do. Don’t minimize the risk. Find out more about what security measures are being taken and how safe your travel will be.

Take care of yourself. You’re going to be no good to your family if you don’t come back from your trip.

Take a look at the purpose and the meaning of what you are doing. How important is the money? What are the other options if you say no to your employer?

Again, you may come up with other skills and attitudes that you could apply to this situation. This is not an easy one. There is clearly a conflict between your loyalty to your family and yourself and your loyalty to your employer and your concern about your financial situation. As we said earlier, every situation and every individual is different. Think this through and talk with others about how they would deal with a similar challenge or how they have dealt with challenges like this in the past.

The Fear of Terrorism

2016-08-11T12:54:00.005-04:00

As I have done in previous blog posts, I’m going to present a challenge from the card game, “Bounce Back.” Your job is to list the skills and the attitudes of resilience that you would use in dealing with the challenge. Describe how you would respond to the challenge using these skills. This one relates to the fear of terrorism. The media has certainly increased our awareness and our concern about terrorist acts.

You have been reading a lot and hearing a lot about terrorism recently. These acts do not seem to be confined to other countries, such as France or the Middle East. They have been happening in this country. At holiday celebrations, in theaters, and sporting events. It has reached the point where some are fearful of going out to the market or going to any type of crowded place, such as a mall, shopping center or a football game. If you find that your fear is restricting your life. How would you use the skills and attitudes of resilience to deal with this?

Take some time and think about this and about what skills and attitudes you might apply. Try to put yourself in the situation and think through what steps you would take.

Here are some of our suggestions about ways that you might deal with this situation. These are only suggestions. Each person and each situation is different. We are sure that there are other ideas that you may have or others may have about how to deal with this and what other skills and attitudes of resilience could be applied. We would encourage you to think this through and talk with others about how they will deal with or have dealt with this challenge.

First of all, we would encourage you to take some time to look at your feelings. And to get control of your feelings. Terrorism is about instilling fear. It is about restricting peoples’ lives and creating stress for them. If you do not or are unable to control these feelings of fear, you basically are giving the terrorists what they are seeking. Take a deep breath. Call someone who can listen to you for a few minutes. Talk!

So, connecting with others is something that we would recommend and communicating and acknowledging the feelings that you have. Keeping these to yourself is not a good idea.

We would also encourage you to look at the situation realistically. Try to see the bigger picture. It is much more likely that you will be injured in a car accident or struck by lightning than you will be a victim of a terrorist attack.

Again, you may have come up with other skills and attitudes that you would apply in this situation. As we said earlier, every situation and every person is different. We encourage you to think this through and talk with others about how they have dealt with their fears and how they would deal with fear in this situation.

In the weeks ahead, we will be posting other blogs that deal with challenges like this. In the next blog, we will talk about dealing with a high risk situation in which a terrorist act might occur.

Presedential Politics: That's Entertainment

2016-08-11T12:54:00.002-04:00

Well, you can say at the least it’s been entertaining. And humorous at times. It would indeed be even funnier if it wasn’t the process by which we choose someone to lead this country for the next four years. As Bernie Sanders pointed out recently, it really isn’t a game. It’s serious business.

We seem to have reached a new low in terms of mud-slinging. I really don’t care about the size of Donald Trump’s hands or his private parts. I doubt that it will have very much to do with how effective a leader he might be. Like a lot of other Americans, I feel disappointed that the candidates stoop to some of this behavior.

Like it or not, this is a process that we are caught up in and that will determine the outcome of the election.

We can enjoy the entertainment value of all of this, which I find myself doing quite often. But I would encourage us not to ignore it. What is happening is serious business. We should not ignore it. In fact, we should become engaged in it. Not in the mud-slinging, but by demanding that the candidates talk about issues and policies and not personalities and anatomy. And we should make sure that our voices are heard by participating in the primaries and caucuses and the conventions at the state level and national level.

So in this political season, connect with others, communicate with others about how you feel about this country and what is happening to it, and about the candidates involved in this election. Be optimistic. Our country, as they would say, is going through a rough patch. But this too will pass. We will not be destroyed as a nation if a candidate that we thoroughly dislike and detest is elected president.

This is a complicated picture that we’re looking at right now. Blaming one side or one person for all of the problems that we are confronting will not serve us well. It will only divide us more as a nation. It is a time to come together and to work together to make America an even stronger country.

Dealing with Death

2016-08-11T12:53:00.004-04:00

As in previous blogs, I’m going to present a challenge. This one has to do with the death of a close friend. I will ask you to apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to dealing with this challenge. The challenges are from the card game “Bounce Back” that we are developing into an electronic game that can be played off of a website. This game is a tool that we have been using in teaching the skills and the attitudes of resilience for a number of years. It is a serious game that asks you to apply the skills and the attitudes to a specific challenge and describe how you would respond to that challenge using these skills.

Here is the situation. A good friend of yours, someone you’ve known for many years and have been very close to has died suddenly just a few days ago. Your friend was married and had small children. How would you deal with the loss using the attitudes and skills of resilience?

Death brings up a lot of feelings for us. Dealing with these strong feelings is a normal part of the grieving process. Denying them and refusing to admit they exist is not, in the end, going to help us manage this loss in our life. Grieving requires that we mourn the loss and deal with our feelings. Staying busy so we don’t have to think about what has happened usually is not helpful. Being “strong” does not require that we deny the feelings that we have.

This is definitely a time for connecting with others and for communicating about our feelings. We need to be able to provide support and accept support from others. This is part of the healing process. This is why connecting with others and communicating are critical parts of the process of recovery from a loss.

We need to provide support to others who are experiencing the loss and we need to take care of ourselves in the process. Continuing to eat and sleep are important parts of this self-care piece. Eating, even if we don’t feel hungry, and sleeping, even if we don’t feel that we can.

This is also a time when we usually think about our own mortality. Thinking about the purpose and the meaning of our lives is something that often comes up when we have lost someone close to us. This is a normal part of the process. We need to share this with other people and admit that we may be having a difficult time dealing with this and the other issues that the loss of a good friend may bring up.

You may have thought about other skills and attitudes of resilience that you would apply to this situation. Every person and every situation is different. One size does not fit all. What we have provided are suggestions that you might utilize in dealing with this situation. Again, these are only suggestions. We would encourage you to talk with others and ask them how they would deal or have dealt with losing someone close to them in the past.

Sleep

2016-08-11T12:53:00.001-04:00

Today I’m going to present a challenge from the card game “Bounce Back.” The game is a tool that we have been using in teaching the skills and attitudes of resilience. It is a serious game that asks you to apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to a specific challenge and describe how you would respond to that challenge using these skills. Just like life, we don’t know what challenge we will be dealt.

Here’s one that relates to a problem that many of us have. The problem of not getting enough sleep, or at least not getting enough of restful sleep. This is the situation. When you attempt to sleep at night, you find that most often you have a hard time getting to sleep. You’ve been mixing booze and over-the-counter sleeping pills which often cause you to be very groggy in the morning. How would you use the skills and the attitudes of resilience to deal with your problem with sleep?

Here are some of the suggestions that we would have about ways you might deal with the situation. Again, these are only suggestions. Every situation is different, as is every person. Take some time to think about this and what skills and attitudes you might apply to the situation.

First of all, take what is going on with your problems with sleep seriously. Take care of yourself. Mixing alcohol and over-the-counter sleep medications is not a good idea. They will only tend to make your problems with sleep worse. Talk with your primary care physician about what suggestions he or she may have. And talk with other people about what they have done. Many people make use of relaxation strategies or meditation as a way of helping them to relax enough to be able to fall asleep and stay asleep. A good thing about a non-medication solution is that it is not habit forming. Not habit forming in a negative sense. You may find that using the breathing or relaxation strategies may be something that works so well that if you wake up in the night, you can use it again to get back to sleep. Communication is part of helping yourself to take care of yourself.

Also, be aware of the feelings that may be interfering with your sleep. Are you feeling extremely anxious about something right now that may be disrupting you getting to sleep? Do you need to deal with these feelings or discharge them or talk about them? Managing strong feelings can be a part of the solution.

Now, you may have come up with other skills and attitudes that you could apply to this problem. As we said earlier, every situation and every individual is different. Again, we would encourage you to think this through and to talk with others about how they have dealt with a similar challenge or how they feel they would deal with this problem if it was theirs.

Again, take this problem seriously. Sleep serves a critical function and is vital to ourhealth. For example, it is the period during which short-term memories are transferred into long-term storage. Without sleep, we may experience memory problems.

Your Partner's Drinking Problem

2016-08-11T12:52:00.005-04:00

As in past blogs, I’m going to present a challenge from the card game called “Bounce Back” which is now being developed into an electronic game that can be played off of the Internet. The game is a tool that we have been using in teaching the skills and the attitudes of resilience. It is a serious game that asks you to apply the skills and the attitudes of resilience to a specific challenge and describe how you would respond to that challenge using these skills. Just like life, we don’t know what challenges we will be dealt.

This one relates to your relationship with your spouse. You are convinced that he/she has a serious drinking problem. You have covered for your spouse when he or she has been late for work. You have done other things that you later feel bad about having done. You’re losing your temper frequently and having difficulty managing the house and the children. The problem with your spouse’s drinking is clearly affecting you and the entire family.

Here are some suggestions. These are only suggestions. Everyone is different. One size does not fit all. But before you review these, give some thought to just what skills or attitudes of resilience you think you might apply in this situation.

First of all, we would suggest that you take control of your feelings. Blowing up and making threats that you will not keep is not going to be helpful. Neither is remaining silent and becoming depressed. Manage how you are feeling.

When you’ve got some control over your feelings, make a realistic plan to deal with the situation and take steps to carry out your plan. Communication will be an important part of finding a solution to the problem. Again this is a problem that affects you and the entire family. You may find that you have to confront yourmspouse to break through the denial that often accompanies a problem with heavy drinking or drug use.

Take care of yourself in this process. If you’re getting depressed, if you’re having a problem controlling your temper, it is understandable that you might. But connect with others who can provide support to you and help you think through how you will deal with this situation and who can support you in carrying through with whatever actions you decide to take. You will not be very effective in taking care of others if you cannot take care of yourself.

We would encourage you to talk with others about this challenge. Ask them what they would do if they were in your situation. If you value their opinion and their direction, use it. They may also suggest other resources that you can tap into, such as AA and substance abuse programs in your area. Al-Anon is also a resource that you can use to help you understand more about the problem and to get the support that you need.

Fear - Part Two

2016-08-11T12:52:00.002-04:00

In the last blog I talked about resilience as being an antidote to fear. Fear is a normal and can be an adaptive reaction to dangerous situations. It has helped our species to survive in the dangerous world that we live in. But when fear is prolonged or unrealistic, it can be destructive.

As I said in the last blog, fear is a tool of the terrorist. He or she wants the group that they are targeting to be afraid all the time. But the skills and the attitudes of resilience can help us manage our fear.

We need to recognize the strong feelings that events like the ones that occurred in Paris a few months ago or California a few weeks ago generate. Sadness, anger and fear. All are normal reactions to what occurred.

As the people of Paris demonstrated and the people of California are now demonstrating, connecting with others and communicating with others is critical to being able to deal with the fear. Making realistic plans and continuing to carry them out is also a part of managing fear and being flexible in the way we behave and think, so that we can adapt to the situation that we are in.

Of equal importance are the skills of resilience that have to do with creating and finding purpose and meaning in our lives. We usually find this through acting on our values and our beliefs. They usually will help us to make sense of our lives, even in the darkest times.

We need to believe in ourselves. Self-confidence is one of the best antidotes to anxietyand fear. We need to trust our thinking and believe in ourselves.

We also need to keep things in perspective. We need to look at the bigger picture. The events that are occurring are temporary. They will change, both for the good and the bad, and they will most likely not have a pervasive impact on every aspect of our lives. It will affect specific parts of our lives.

And we need to avoid blaming. No, we need to hold those who are responsible accountable for their actions, but this is different than all the emotion that we load on to accountability when we begin to blame others. We need to avoid scapegoating. One individual or group is seldom solely responsible for our troubles.

Through all of it, we need to continue to take care of ourselves and to care for others, physically and emotionally. We need to continue to be social and communicate with other people. We need to continue to exercise and eat well and sleep.

Last of all, one of the hardest things that we need to do is to continue to be able to appreciate and use humor appropriately in our lives. I said “appropriately.” We should not use humor to degrade or put down others. We need to continue to laugh. Things can only get better.

Fear

2016-08-11T12:51:00.003-04:00

Fear is an emotion that many of us have a hard time recognizing or admitting that it exists within us. This emotion, which is a normal, healthy one, is often covered up, especially by men, with anger. Fear can help us adapt to difficult situations. It can help us avoid danger. But when it is prolonged or not tied to reality, it can be destructive.

Fear is a tool of terrorists. They want to create fear that is prolonged and, in many cases, unrealistic. They want the group that is being terrorized to believe that they are in constant danger. That they are in danger if they go shopping. If they walk on the street in their neighborhood. Or go to their child’s athletic event.

The antidote to fear is resilience. If we engage the skills and the attitudes of resilience, we will be less fearful. When we are afraid, we need to connect with others. We need to communicate with others and to recognize and deal with the feelings that we are experiencing. Isolation from others and denial of how we feel will only increase our fear. We also need to be flexible in our thinking and our behavior. Unfortunately, fear often makes our thinking rigid and it handicaps our ability to make realistic plans and take action to carry them out. Making decisions and acting out of fear often results in bad decision-making and misguided behavior.

Again, when we are afraid, we need to first of all admit that we are, and we need to seek out others with whom we can talk. We need to be flexible in our thinking and our actions, and we need to make realistic plans and take action. And most of all, we need to deal with the feelings that we have. We do not need to cover them over with anger. This is not to say that we should not be angry about the events occurring in our world. But we should also recognize and manage the fear that these events generate.

I will talk more about resilience as an antidote to fear in the next blog.

Keeping Perspective

2016-01-20T13:20:00.004-05:00

In our crazy world, it is very easy to lose perspective. We often have a hard time seeing the bigger picture. The media often doesn’t help with this, but unfortunately often encourages us to see things in a most negative light. After 911, I did a workshop with some reporters who had covered 911. They were quite willing to admit that their coverage often encouraged people to be more fearful and to see what was happening as being an event that would have a permanent and pervasive impact on everyone’s lives in our country. The media also was focused on placing blame for the attack. As they explained, “If it bleeds, it leads.”

Unfortunately, this way of looking at things only encourages us to be pessimistic rather than optimistic about our future. The reality is that there are very few things that will have a pervasive impact on our lives, meaning that it will affect every part of our lives. Even good or bad events usually only affect specific parts of our lives. Not everything. And few things are ever permanent, either good or bad. Life is a long chain of temporaries. “This too will pass,” is a good way of looking at the events in our world.

And last of all, looking to blame someone for the problem or the tragedy is usually not helpful. I am not talking about not holding people accountable. Obviously, we need to hold each other accountable for our actions. But this is different from blaming. Blaming often fuels violence. When we are blaming other people, we are often so emotionally involved we cannot think clearly. Whether it was the witch hunts in Salem or the lynchings in the South or the countless other acts of violence that have been committed over the years, blaming and the irresponsible behavior that often goes with it seldom does anything to make our world a better and safer place to live. Deciding that all Syrians or Muslims are out to do harm to us I doubt will make us any safer.

Resilience requires that we keep perspective. That we see the bigger picture, realizing that few things and events in our world have a pervasive impact on our lives and are permanent. Thinking clearly without being caught up in the emotions of blame, these are the things that will make our world a better place in which to live.

Remembering 9-11

2016-01-20T13:20:00.001-05:00

Fourteen years ago, an event occurred that shook the foundation of this country’s sense of confidence and security in the world. 9-11. Just like those of us who were alive when JFK was assassinated, we remember that day and where we were and what we were doing. The events of those two days are etched in our memory. Indeed, they are.Traumatic events such as 9-11, the recent attacks in Paris and in California, the assassination of a president are stored in different areas of the brain, from those we utilize in remembering where put our car keys the night before.

This mechanism of recalling traumatic events in detail is adaptive. It is a survival mechanism. Remembering those things which are a threat to our survival are often important to remember vividly and in detail so that we can avoid or prevent future trauma. Forgetting where we put our car keys can be frustrating, but usually not traumatic.

Unfortunately, in the modern world, many of the traumatic events that occur are ones that we cannot change or necessarily prevent in the future. Feelings associated with these traumas often stay with us. In the extreme, we talk about post-traumatic stress or post-traumatic stress disorders. But I would guess that most of us on 9-11 had some of these old memories come back to us and some of the unpleasant feelings associated with those memories, even after fourteen years.

Resilience requires that we continue to discharge feelings regarding past traumas. Talking with others about these feelings and connecting with others is one of the ways that we can do this. Generally speaking, it is a good thing to talk about what happened and to express the feelings that are still there. Taking the opportunity that the anniversary of a traumatic event affords to continue to discharge feelings around that event is often a very healthy thing to do and an activity that can strengthen and build your resilience.