Major League Douchebag

Douchebag Season Approaches

2015-06-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

Do I really need to remind everyone how much of a Major League Douchebag Rick Perry is when he does it so well on his own? It's been a while since I've made a blog entry, but silly season approaches as politicians begin to make their case as to which divisive issues they can wield in order to win the presidency... so I just couldn't help myself.

9 People in Charleston, SC were shot dead by a man who allegedly wanted to start a "race war." Rick Perry called this an "accident."

"Oops!"

Can we just not hear from Rick Perry anymore?

As we all (should) know, in order to win the seat of the highest office in the land, you ought not focus on solutions to major problems, rather you should distract everyone by exploiting issues that get the public's blood boiling. This way you can make emotional appeals to win votes. Fear is the best emotion in which to appeal. Works every time!

In this case, it's gun control. Guns violence is clearly a problem in America. If you want to shoulder the entire blame of the South Carolina shooting on one mentally deranged, racist individual, then you're only acknowledging part of the issue. If you're Rick Perry or any other "F**k or Fight, Friday Night" gun toting conservative, then you may see this as "they're gonna take my freedom!" moment. Aaand that makes your amygdala (lizard brain) fire off with fear like the 4th of July... Because... America! ...and FREEDOM! Sadly, this may be why "Freedom" ends in "dumb." Go ahead, say it aloud!

Even worse, your fear runs deeper and you veil your vitriol for our biracial president and shoot down (pun intended) any pragmatic approach he proposes for ebbing the violent cultural tide in which America is drowning. I'm absolutely certain this subversively racist faction exists in American Society, because let's face it, it just does. It can be and has been measured.

All of this is a diversion to polarize issues that have real world, effective solutions given an iota of common sense and diplomacy. What is with conservatives not being able to appreciate nuance? There is no nuance in the world of a hard Right Winger. There is plenty of nuance in Winger, though. Just take a listen!

Okay, maybe not... But I digress.

It's clear that Rick Perry wants to turn the focus away from the horrors of gun violence in America and accuse President Obama of politicizing this tragedy... by politicizing this tragedy.

If we really think about it... I mean, REALLY think about it. I mean really REALLY THINK about some of these issues, like marriage equality, gun control, wage equality, reproductive rights etc. instead of reacting out of fear, we would probably begin to move forward as a species. Why can't we all live in Tomorrowland where the best ideas are the ones that stick, sans political leveraging? Give me your best answer in the comments.

Go Shoot Your Selfie

2014-03-26T12:21:00.000-07:00

It's morning, and the first thing you are compelled to do is grab your cellphone and snap that selfie with "(hashtag)NoMakeup" and post it to all of your social networking sites, in the feeble attempt to validate that vapid void you call you.

Now, about that selfie - no one cares. Allow me to elaborate; Nobody gives an airborne flaming crap. Furthermore, evidence suggests that you are a narcissistic, drug addicted loon, if you're incessantly taking pictures of yourself and posting them just for that fleeting rush of endorphins every time someone clicks "like." Is your selfie worth "liking" or are your friends obliging your need for constant validation?

It may seem reasonable to snap a shot of yourself once in a while for posterity, but if you're that person who updates your profile photo every other day with a brand new, high angle, duck faced bathroom selfie, there is some serious work that needs to be done to right you. If you're taking these pics for an actual cause, that's one thing, but I'm willing to bet my britches that this girl hasn't a clue about the Cancer Awareness selfie campaign.

We here at MLD ask you Selfie-holics to take a moment after you put your shirt back on and before you post a pic to ask yourself, "am I a Major League Douchebag?." The answer should be selfie evident.

...Cuz God and the Bible

2014-02-06T17:31:00.002-08:00

Some may say that we should all just ignore the creationists until they fade away, but on this blog, we like to call them on the carpet and publically ridicule them for being a Major League Douchebag.

Ken Ham and Cheese

This week Bill Nye the Science Guy and Ken Ham the Bible Scam, had a public debate in the most forward thinking part of the United States - Kentucky! Bill Nye, not being a douchebag, simply wants Science to be taught to our nation's children as the method by which we observe, experiment, infer and make predictions using the evidence we all find in nature. Ken Ham wants people to just agree with his interpretation of stories he read in a book written thousands of years ago, which has since been translated to myriad languages.

The central topic of this debate was whether or not Ken Ham's model of a 6,000 year old earth is valid. Bill Nye pulled out a piece of limestone that he said he found on the side of the road on the way to the venue, and pointed at a fossil it contained. He encouraged the people of Kentucky to do the same in their backyard. At this point Bill Nye should have just dropped the mic and went home, or better yet, thrown the limestone at Ken Ham's head to knock some sense into him.

Ken Ham's willfully ignorant retort to just about everything is best illustrated in the following clip:

Much like Noah's mythical ark, or the Mr. Show life raft, Ham's argument didn't float.

The biggest douchebag move was when Ham continually tried to create 2 different types of science (Observational vs Historical) so he can crowbar his religious agenda into public school classrooms. Ham stated that we cannot observe the past. Nye reiterated that there's only ONE Science, then proceeded to drop some on Ham's ass by pointing out that cosmology observes the past by measuring the light from celestial bodies, which can be dated at billions of years old, taking into account the laws of motion, speed of light etc.

*Derp*

It's a beautiful thing that in the United States, you're allowed to celebrate a zombie by eating the painted eggs a rabbit laid by your bookshelf on the Sunday following the full moon after the vernal equinox... It's a free country, so if you want to be an idiot in your own home, go right ahead! Just don't be a Major League Douchebag like Ken Ham who tries his hardest to drill holes in the wall of separation between church and state.

Bill Nye - Shooting at Idiots

Don't Stop Beliebin'

2014-01-24T13:09:00.000-08:00

Thank the gods of douchebaggery for Justin Bieber! So long as this kid is living, this blog will never run out of fodder. Bieber's antics are all too similar to the story of Icarus, whose hubris led him to fly too close to the sun and melt his wax pompadour.

Bieber was arrested in Miami yesterday for drunken drag racing

without a license and multiple counts of being a Major League Douchebag.

Now that the Bieber Meltdown appears to be in full swing, let us all take pause and realize that he is just a kid thrust into the overwhelming circumstances of megastardom. ... ... ...Okay, pause over! What a Major League Douchebag!!!

It's wonderful to see that there are repercussions for his stupid actions. Consequences or anything involving the future don't seem to be a part of the Bieber agenda. I'll give you a hint as to how this will all turn out:

Here's a picture of Justin Bieber, 20 years from now.

#FlashForwardFriday #LeifGarrett

Keep on going Justin! The only thing we find remotely entertaining about you now is the fact that you can continue to provide us with the opposite of wisdom. Your bad reputation has eclipsed any sort of musical merit one can attach to your name, and around here we call that being a Major League Douchebag.

Lens Flares... Who Cares?

2014-01-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

The title of this article is rhetorical, because nobody truly cares. You likely didn't even know the term lens flare until the "internets" started foaming with the phrase after bloggers began pointing out the stylistic choice in recent JJ Abrams movies. Internet trollers bandy the term about as intellectual ammunition, or try to pass it off as legitimate filmic criticism.

Since it was announced that JJ will be directing Star Wars: Episode VII wannabe film nerds have been so please with themselves for making a halfwitted quip about the upcoming space opera potentially having an abundance of lens flares. People have piled on the bandwagon, dropping in the basic photography term at every chance they get.

I don't think JJ Abrams is the greatest director. I don't even think he's in the top 20 of directors working today, but I do think trying to reduce his overall filmmaking prowess to an overall inconsequential stylistic choice, is grasping at straws. It's tantamount to ragging on Tim Burton for his use of mise en scène or Quentin Tarantino's use of rack zoom or Martin Scorsese's use of tracking shots.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)

Alien (1979)

Blade Runner (1982)

Die Hard (1987)

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Nobody cared to point out these optical phenomena before internet surfing became available for any ol' dope. For whatever reason, it's been the mission of every Major League Douchebag blogger to have a hand in deconstructing movies with their limited filmic vocabulary so that they can somehow lay claim to the process. In actuality, filmmaking is beyond their scope and comprehension. The moment any self proclaimed geek begins throwing around term "Lens Flare," it becomes about them, not JJ. They want to let you know that they know something. It's sad, really. Once some people learn something new, they just want the world to pat them on the back.

These haters want to appear witty when they're really just parroting a hackneyed attempt at humor. Would you criticize Abrams' liberal use of anamorphic lenses, depth of field, dutch angles, high/low key lighting, and panning vs tracking shots? No, because it's way easier for a Major League Douchebag to try and elevate their status by pretending to know shit than to actually know shit.

The real criticism should be aimed at the execution of story telling, and not focused on insignificant fleeting effects that have no bearing on the characters, plot or story. It seems that these bloggers operate under the ethos, "if you don't have anything bad to say... find something." Let's all hope that the JJ Abrams version of Star Wars relies on character and story development. This is what separates a good movie from a shit show, whether you realize it or not. (See: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy Review by Red Letter Media) Everything else is just bells and whistles.

Let me know what you think in the comments below.

TED Talk Talkers

2013-11-18T11:50:00.001-08:00

So you like TED talks? Congratulations on your ability to watch youtube! You've graduated to the level of understanding material that has been chewed up and broken down so it's partially digested for your baby bird brain to swallow. Now that you're an expert on things, you're compelled to tell the world how you were just watching a TED talk and learned the most efficient way to tie your shoe laces.

Don't get me wrong, when they are not supersaturated with self importance and completely devoid of empirical evidence, TED talks can be fantastic! Who doesn't want to find out a better way to use a paper towel? The issue is when you jump at the chance to drop it into a conversation, hoping that it will make you look smart. It doesn't. All it does is belie that you are a Major League Douchebag.

Silly Women, Always Wanting to Think for Themselves...

2013-07-08T18:34:00.002-07:00

Ohio Governor John Kasich and his colleague Rick Perry have 3 things in common: They are men, they are anti-women's rights and they are both Major League Douchebags.

As if the decision wasn't difficult enough, the people in power (mostly men) in states like Ohio and Texas are determined to make it harder and harder for women to exercise their rights. The people whom I find absolutely confounding are those who want to pass laws telling women what to do with their wombs, yet claim they want the government to have less control over our lives.

Here is where the abortion debate ends. All human beings, (and yes, this includes women) should have the right to make choices about their own body. Ultimately, it ought not make a difference if there is a zygote, fetus, or 32 year old man growing inside them. The decision is the one whose body is being occupied.

That's all that needs to be said about that. If you have another stance on this issue, then that's your choice. Enjoy your rights and stop trying to take them away from other people.

I'm Not An Elitist, Some Of My Best Friends Are Idiots.

2013-07-08T18:03:00.001-07:00

I didn't even realize it, but I must have seen this commercial at least 10 times before the recent YouTube uproar about it. How can this commercial be controversial in the least?

Cheerios had to disable their YouTube comments section because of an unprecedented number of negative and racist postings on this video.

Apparently people cannot tollerate adorability -- this is the only conclusion I can draw from this.

Thank you racists for continuing to be Major League Douchebags.

Tossed César Salad.

2013-03-27T11:16:00.000-07:00

The following is the transcript of a conversation that was sparked by a facebook posting that qualifies as opening season Major League Douchebaggery.

Time Warner Cable Scam: UPDATE: Dick Knows.

2013-03-11T14:56:00.001-07:00

After speaking with a man by the name of Dick... *ahem* I mean "Richard," from the "Office of the President" at Time Warner "Cable," It's apparent that Major League Douchebags abound. I had 3 phone calls with Dick, I mean "Richard," and they progressively got more flustering.

On sheer principle, I argued that 1. They should remove the $3.95/month modem leasing fee from my bill as they unlawfully broke my contract in order to add it, (A class action lawsuit recently ruled in favor of TWC New York / New Jersey consumers regarding this very fact) and 2. They should also remove the $4.95/month "Home WiFi" fee, as this is not a service they provide. Richard stated that of course they do. The FCC disagrees with this notion as they recently banned Verizon from charging their customers for using their cell phones as WiFi hotspots. Same damn principle.

TWC is defrauding customers by incurring an additional fee for functionality inherent to a device they already provide, for which they've recently begun unlawfully charging. This is especially true when TWC is counting on the fact that the average consumer does not understand that owning/renting a combination modem/wireless router, gives them full capability to create their own "Home WiFi" network.

Just as everyone I've dealt with before him, the MLD representative from TWC, DICK (Richard) could not give any justification as to why they have a "Home Wifi" fee on my bill, only adding "we charge that because we can." This is an obvious "truth in billing" fraud complaint that I've subsequently filed with the FCC. You see, the FCC is the government body that regulates wired and WIRELESS forms of communication in this country, which includes radio waves (e.g. Wifi). We'll see what comes of that. I figure if you're going to fight an MLD, you may as well go through an even bigger, more powerful MLD. I don't agree entirely with the existence of an FCC, especially with its arbitrary regulation of free speech but lo, it does exist, and in this scenario it serves as a useful idiot.

My favorite part about searching the internet for information regarding the TWC scam / class action suit, was that several relevant articles were inaccessible through my desktop connection or on my cell phone via my "Home Wifi" (aka, A FREE home network that connects via radio waves, to the modem/router, which in turn connects to the internet access service provided by TWC). This is because those pages are BLOCKED on Time Warner Cable servers. How do I know this, you ask? Well - I would search for something like "Time Warner Cable Modem Leasing Fee Scam" and a few of the links would go to a page that says "The page you are trying to access is forbidden on this server." When I switched over to the 3G connection on my verizon wireless phone - those very same anti-TWC pages would appear like magic. America!

Dick Richards at TWC was less than cooperative in removing these charges, though he did, however, all me back hurriedly after our second phone call to remove those fees for the next 6 months. This was of course after adamantly stating that "no one at Time Warner Cable will remove the charges." This is obviously a backpedaling maneuver, probably because they know they are about 6 months away from those fees being shut down by some form of government intervention. They just want to cash in on unsuspecting customers while they can. This is why they continue to maintain the title of Major League Douchebag.

UPDATE: TWC, Andy, and Me.

2013-02-28T23:32:00.001-08:00

If you've been following the story about our latest Major League Douchebag, Time Warner Cable, then you know that they've been charging their customers doubly for the same thing. These fees are fraudulent and despicable, so keep an eye out for these charges if you're a fellow customer. Their practices are unconscionable yet extraordinarily profitable as they are on course to make billions on these invented and meaningless charges.

So as a matter of fun and fodder, I had a chat session with a TWC agent and the following is the transcript. Enjoy!

Andy> Thank you for contacting Time Warner Cable. At the end of our chat you will be given the option of taking a brief survey. My name is Andy. Please give me a moment while I access your account.
Andy> Hi Aristotle!
Aristotle_> Hello!
Andy>how are you doing?
Aristotle_> I'm great, thanks for asking!
Andy> You're welcome.
Andy> Please can you help me with your complete service address or the account number associated with TWC services?
Aristotle_> Surely
Aristotle_>(XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX)
Andy> Thank you for the information.
Aristotle_> You're quite welcome!
Andy> Aristotle, the Wifi fee is for the services you use with TWC.
Aristotle_> How so?
Andy> I see that you have Standard Internet and to use Wifi , we charge $4.95.
Andy> If you wish to cancel the $4.95, we will remove Wifi service from your account.
Aristotle_> Actually I would like you to remove the Internet Modem Lease and/or the Home Wifi fees.
Aristotle_> And I would like to retain my services as they are
Andy> Aristotle, we can remove the Modem lease fee, however, for that you will need to purchased your own modem .
Aristotle_> The modem lease fee is new and not in my contract.
Andy> I certainly understand your concern.
Aristotle_> That fee was incurred without sufficient notice, therefore it's invalid
Andy> The equipment charges are not part of the contract.
Andy> The contract or the prices are for the services which remains the same.
Aristotle_> I'd also like to add that you cannot charge a "Wifi fee" as Wifi is the emission of radio waves from the Motorola device that I am currently already leasing from you.
Andy>I understand; however, the system won't accept the request to waive off the wifi fee or the modem lease fee.
Aristotle_> You do not provide Wifi service - You provide a cable internet access service.
Aristotle_> The modem/router is what provides me with "Home Wifi" as an aspect of the device which already has a fee, albiet fraudulent, associated with it.
Aristotle_> What system?
Aristotle_> Skynet?
Andy> Aristotle, we are not charging for the waives.
Aristotle_> I say you infiltrate that system and work on the side of justice!
Andy> We are charging the wWifi fee for the services that you use.
Aristotle_> Which services?
Andy> The Wifi Services.
Aristotle_> You do not provide Wifi services. You provide a modem/router.
Andy> We do provide the services.
Aristotle_> Sorry, Andy my boy - but you don't.
Andy> For example, if you go to coffee shop or the airport, you use the Wifi, however, the Wifi is provide by service provider.\
Aristotle_> That would be like charging an infrared fee for using my remote control.
Andy> We are the service provider here.

Aristotle_>

You're the cable internet access service provider, you are not Motorola.

Andy> I understand.

Aristotle_> Motorola makes a device which connects to the internet through your cable service.
Aristotle_> That device, by design, emits radio waves that have thusly been dubbed "Wifi."
Andy> Please understand that we provide the Internet.
Aristotle_> Andy, ol' buddy ol' pal, I appear to be the one exhibiting a greater grasp of the overall picture here.
Aristotle_> TWC is defrauding its customers by doubly charging for the same darn thing.
Aristotle_> Now kindly remove those charges.
Andy> Aristotle, I would have loved to remove the charges; however, the system won't accept the request.
Aristotle_> So how do we get the system to do that?
Aristotle_> Did you ask it nicely?
Aristotle_> Perhaps a caress?
Aristotle_> Work your magic Andy! I'm counting on you.
Andy> Aristotle, please understand my limitations.
Aristotle_> I can understand them, but I don't accept them. Don't sell yourself short, Andy!
Andy> I will not be able to remove the charges.
Aristotle_> Why not? Who will?
Andy> No one actually, as the system will not accept the request.
Aristotle_> What system? System of a Down?
Andy> The system ,where I can waive off the charges.
Aristotle_> So you do agree they are complete nonsense?
Andy> I agree, I can't entertain every request.
Aristotle_> Who can?
Andy> No one , the charges can't be waived off.
Aristotle_> So, you mean to tell me nobody at TWC can remove the charges?

Aristotle_>

Andy, dear boy - that makes no sense!  If TWC can add the charges arbitrarily... and I'm talking to TWC now... How is it they can't swiftly remove the charges?

Andy> Aristotle, if you purchase your own modem , we can waive off the charges.
Aristotle_> Well, duh! That's not the point!
Aristotle_> You see, fraud is fraud and you guys should be held accountable.
Aristotle_> Most people won't pick up on the fact that TWC is scamming them. It ain't right.
Aristotle_> So kindly, remove the charges.
Andy> Aristotle, I will not be able to remove the charges.
Aristotle_> Who will?
Andy> Is there anything else I can assist you with today?
Aristotle_> Yes, put me in contact with someone who will remove the charges.
Andy> The charges can't be removed.
Aristotle_> Of course they can, silly!
Andy> You can visit the cable store.
Aristotle_> They were incurred unjustifiably and arbitrarily.
Aristotle_> You do agree that these fees fraudulent?
Andy> No I don't agree with this.
Aristotle_> Why not?
Andy> Cause I believe the charges are correct.
Andy> We do charge for the services.
Aristotle_> Do you believe in the tooth fairy too?
Andy> I know the charges are correct.
Aristotle_> It's not a SERVICE!
Andy> I will not be answering any more question if it not regarding TWC services.
Aristotle_> You guys are lying liars.
Andy> I apologize for the inconvenience caused to you.
Aristotle_> Do you charge people a Wifi fee when they have their own modem?
Andy> I see that you have modem rented from TWC.
Aristotle_> That's not my question - Do you charge people a Wifi fee when they have their own modem?
Andy> Aristotle, do you have any more query, as you previous question regarding waive off the fee can't be entertained?
Aristotle_> Could you please answer my question? I want to know if I get my own modem, will you continue to charge me a Wifi fee?
Andy> We won't charge you if you have your own modem.
Aristotle_> Ah ha!
Aristotle_> So why would you charge me that fee if I'm renting one?
Aristotle_> Do you see how that's wrong, Andrew?
Andy> Aristotle, I understand your concern.
Andy> We only charge for the services and equipments if you rent from TWC.
Aristotle_> And since that is completely unjustifiable in every way - remove the charge.
Andy> Please, I will not remove the charges.
Aristotle_> Do what's right Andy! Rise up against the MAN and defeat greed where it lurks!
Aristotle_> You can do it! I believe in you.
Andy> Thanks for believing in me.
Andy> I will not be able to remove the charges.
Andy> I believe you understand this.
Aristotle_> I always knew there was something special about you. Ever since you said "Please can you help me with your complete service address or the account number associated with TWC services?"
Andy> Thank you.
Andy> I will be not able to remove the charges,
Aristotle_> Well Andy, one day you will be able to remove charges... You'll be able to remove all the charges on all the bills in all the world! Keep the dream alive, and never give up!
Andy> I appreciate your positive encouragement.
Aristotle_> asa lama lakum

UPDATE: Mr. Hadnot and is not.

2013-02-28T02:11:00.001-08:00

Today I spoke with Mr. Hadnot (310-417-4304 x74304) from Time Warner Cable regarding the ongoing WiFi issue (Click Here to stay abreast). He attempted to clear things up by explaining that the WiFi fee has always been in place and that the modem/router usage fee was the one added last November. You say potato, I say potato.

As you could imagine, I was as delighted as a goat in shiny pink pants to hear this news! I promptly insisted on a refund for every single cotton pickin' WiFi fee they've ever charged me for. Had I not spoken with Mr. Hadnot, I may not have realized that there was never a fee associated with the modem/router until recently, further nullifying any possible claim they could ever make for an additional and fraudulent "WiFi" fee. It appears Time Warner Cable is running out of feet in which to shoot themselves.

My discussion with The Innocuous Mr. Orlando Hadnot, only continued to fluster him as he is trained to sell what the company tells him to sell, even if he don't know what the hell he's sellin'. He maintained that their modem/router usage and the WiFi "service" are two separate fees; I maintained that you can't sell me a sandwich and then charge me per bite.

My application of logic only continued to fluster The Inconsequential Mr. Orlando "My Job Is To Apologize" Hadnot as I heard his gears turning while he searched for the right thing to say. I continually told him to remove the fee as it makes about as much sense as square wheels on a jet ski. I was happy to learn today that there already is a class action lawsuit pending regarding all of this michegas! (Read Here)

The following clip is an audio excerpt from my ridiculous conversation with The Insipid Mr. Orlando "My Job Is To Apologize and Truly Understand Where You Are Coming From" Hadnot.

As the inimitable O.C. Williams once said "You can't apologize for being fucking retarded." More as the douchebaggery develops!

Time Warner Cable's Hide 'n' Go Fee!

2013-02-27T11:46:00.000-08:00

A new MLD post has been a long time coming, and since I was so inspired by my latest interaction with Douchebaggery, here we go!

I called Time Warner Cable today so that I can make changes to my TV/Internet package and much to my chagrin, I discovered a recently added monthly charge on my bill for "WiFi." This was immediately perplexing to me as WiFi is the emission of radio waves from the modem/router as a function of the device itself, and is absolutely not a "service" provided by them. The service they provide is cable internet access. I connect to said service via a combination modem/wireless router (a Motorola device with built in WiFi capability) for which I am already paying a rental fee.

I told them how this must be something new because I've never had a company charge me for an aspect inherent to a device that I've been renting from them all along. This is just some way of double charging lame laymen, for the same damn thing! They admitted that this additional fee was first implemented last November, as a new company policy. "Ah ha!" I ejaculated. "Since you are fully aware of this tomfoolery, that makes you greedy liars! Greedy liars are the devil and Jesus doesn't like the devil!" Marsha, the agent with whom I was speaking, said that I have the right to my opinion.

Sticking to my point, I asked them if they charge an infrared fee for using the remote control. Marsha said that is totally different. I assured her that it is completely analogous and thusly unjustifiable to suddenly start charging me for the radio waves emitted from a device that already has an associated rental fee. She did not know the word analogous nor did she understand physics.

I went on to tell them how it is douchy to have the majority of your customers rent a piece of equipment for a fee and then, later on, add an additional fee for the same thing.

As I argued with Marsha on the phone, and repeatedly asked her to remove the added charge from my bill as it doesn't make any sense. She insisted that there is no way of removing the fee. I quickly pointed out that her logic is flawed for I was at that very moment speaking with Time Warner Cable and this fee was arbitrarily added by Time Warner Cable, so it stands to reason that it can be rightly removed by Time Warner Cable. Marsha ultimately admitted that she alone does not have the authority to remove the fee, so I asked to speak to someone who could. I am waiting for a call back from a Mr. Orlando Hadnot (310-417-4304 x74304) at TWC to discuss this issue further.

Obviously a solution would be to buy my own router/modem, but that is beside the point of calling them out on this sneaky new hidden fee that most of their customers are assuredly unaware of. It's gross. It makes me feel icky. But hey, that's what makes Time Warner Cable our latest Major League Douchebag! As originator of this blog, it's my duty to occasionally go down the rabbit hole and root out douchebag fodder wherever it may froth!

More posts to come on this class action lawsuit waiting to happen!

Todd Akin is Mistaken About Baby Makin'!

2012-08-30T11:33:00.003-07:00

Congressman Todd Akin recently made the allusion that women who are "legitimately" raped, have ways to shut down their biological processes so that the assault will not result in a pregnancy. It's science, obviously. So all you ladies who have become pregnant after being sexually assaulted, Todd Akin says you must have really been asking for it!

This absurd, and completely ignorant statement is precisely why men and government should not be involved in women's reproductive health. Anyone who insists on making laws regarding reproduction should at least take an 8th grade health class to learn a thing or three.

Hey Todd Akin, take your head out of the womb and keep it up your ass, will ya? As it turns out you're a legitimate Major League Douchebag!

Anti-Gay-Chick-Fil-A

2012-08-05T14:31:00.001-07:00

Someone I know recently tried to defend the CEO of Chick-Fil-A, Dan Cathy, by asking me why his personal beliefs should be a reason to boycott his business.

This is not about anyone's right to their personal beliefs. This is about a public figure propagating the idea that anyone should be denied equal rights in our society. Even if Chick-fil-A has a corporate policy against hiring discrimination, their CEO's outspoken public opinion against gay marriage is simply not cool. Sure it's his right to say what he wants, as I would vehemently defend anyone's right to free speech; but it's also my right not to eat his delicious chicken sandwiches on account of his being a backward thinking douchebag.

I once had a job working for a Catholic organization, which claimed it was "all inclusive" in its hiring and their affiliation with the church would hold no bearing on their policies and procedures. At the same time, they would do things like change their health insurance carrier to one that excluded coverage for the birth control pill, not to save on cost, but to be more in line with whichever way the wind blew in the Vatican that day.

If Colonel Sanders came out today in support of the anti-miscegenation laws of the south, (which weren't yet repealed in Alabama until 2001) people would be (and should be) up in arms all the same. All of those douchebags who are lining up around the block at your local Chick-Fil-A to "support free speech," are blatantly supporting a discriminatory religious agenda. The idea that every person should have the same freedoms as the next is simple, yet this concept eludes all too many.

Every major religion instills in its followers the practice of having many children and raising them in their faith. If you take a step back, you quickly realize that this is just some archaic stratagem that would help any given religion establish dominance in the world. Religious kooks are perhaps against gay couples because technically they can't reproduce with one another and thus won't spawn more religious kooks of whichever kooky faith they were born into. This is the only logical assumption I can make regarding any sort of organized religious anti-gay agenda. When you add that to all the proselytizing and take into account the hilarious inquisition, you end up with 2 billion christians, some of whom think it's okay to say that Sally and Nancy should be happy just being "roommates" their entire lives until they die and burn in hell forever because they wanted to be viewed as equal members of society.

Douchebags will veil their bigotry and hide behind the 1st amendment. They'll tell you that this is simply a matter of "personal belief." Telling someone else that they cannot enjoy the same rights as you and calling it a "personal belief," is disdainful as much as it is disgraceful. Discrimination, in all its forms, should be immediately squashed whenever it pops up, like a perpetual game of whack-a-douche.

(It's my personal belief that homophobic religious wackos should all be forced to watch every episode of the short lived TV series "Cop Rock," for eternity whilst getting an extremely uncomfortable back rub from Liberace.)

The reality of Chick-Fil-A's Dan Cathy and his supporters are that they are homophobes who believe in the mythological "gay agenda." Everything else is a bullshit smokescreen, or willful ignorance of this truth. Let's get something straight here (pun very intended), there have ALWAYS been gay people, and there will ALWAYS BE gay people. The only people with the agenda are those who want to make this fact of life magically disappear by refusing to acknowledge equal rights for all. Around here, we call those people Major League Douchebags.

What's your opinion? Let me know in the comments below!

Movie Texter

2012-07-23T22:20:00.006-07:00

I saw The Dark Knight Rises opening weekend and while I was watching Bane and Batman beat the living stuffing out of each other, the guy next to me pulled out his cell phone and started texting. Naturally, all of the on screen violence enticed me to want to sock this guy right in the kisser, but I refrained and instead gave him an incredulous "Dude, seriously?!"

He got the message that he is a complete douchebag and was making the movie a less than enjoyable experience.

The theater is a sacred place where people go to escape. If you'd rather be on your phone, choose a different past-time and don't ruin mine.

Dear dude with the spacers sitting next to me at the theater: If you can't sit in a movie for 2-3 hours without texting, you are a Major League Douchebag. Go jump in a lake.

Newsflash - Rush Limbaugh is a Douchebag

2012-07-14T16:50:00.002-07:00

Douche Limbag

It should go as no surprise that Rush Limbaugh said something stupid recently. On Wednesday, Mitt Romney addressed the NAACP and was promptly booed when he stated he would repeal "Obama Care."

Limbaugh said the reason why he was booed is simply because of the fact that Romney is white. This probably had much less to do with race than it did with political differences. Duh!

I don't seem to remember the NAACP booing Joe Biden when he spoke before the group, though I do seem to remember that he is also white.

The Jersey Shore

2012-07-08T15:03:00.001-07:00

This one is just too easy. Thankfully MTV has recently cancelled the their embarrassingly popular show Jersey Shore. I grew up on Long Island, therefore I've already seen every possible episode without actually having ever watched the series.

Don't worry Mr. Situation, there will be plenty of opportunity for you in the real world for you to be a douchebag. Without you, there wouldn't be balance. Wait a minute, actually, without you everything would be just fine. Good riddance.

To all the bronze tanned, spiked hair, duckfaced douchbags out there. You've finally made it to the major leagues!

Girls With Mustaches

2012-07-04T09:28:00.000-07:00

GENDER OFFENDER

This is not about hormonal imbalance in women, which is in most cases a problem, and in others an advantage, if they are so inclined to join the circus. I'm talking about those girls who think it's cute to have a half dozen pictures of themselves wearing a fake handlebar mustache. This phenomenon seems to be growing at an alarming rate. I can only imagine that these follicular facial follies are a misguided attempt at humor.

Girls please stop wearing fake handlebar mustaches; Guys, please stop wearing real ones.

Unless you're this guy.

Girls with fake mustaches, you're probably offensive to girls with real mustaches and I'll have you know that you are nowhere near as funny as babies with beards.

Birthers

2012-07-02T12:13:00.001-07:00

Douchebags just can't seem to accept President Barack Obama's American citizenship. Even after he's provided his birth certificate, clearly indicating Hawaii as his place of birth, there are those who still clutch at an imaginary straw of conspiracy in hopes to generate doubt. Next Birthers will somehow try and claim that Hawaii isn't even a state just to continue their agenda. I'm sure that The Flat Earth Society will attempt to verify those claims by saying that Hawaii has long since fallen over the edge of the planet.

No one ever asked George W. Bush for his birth certificate, though I'm sure he had to require some proof of citizenship before joining the Texas Air National Guard then going AWOL for a year to work on a political campaign in Alabama for his father's friend. The next logical step for a character like that would be to eventually run for president with a fellow draft dodging (5 deferments) vice president then wage unnecessary war. Go Amerka!

Interestingly enough, the 12th amendment of the constitution prohibits a presidential candidate and his running mate to be from the same state. So just before getting picked by GW Bush, (governor of Texas at the time) to be Veep candidate, Dick Cheney changed his voter registration from Texas to Wyoming. This should have disqualified Cheney since Wyoming doesn't consider you a resident until you've lived there for at least 1 year, with no intention of leaving. Nobody gave Dick flack about that for more than a few days. So, why is it when Obama has repeatedly proven his american citizenship do people still try to harp on this issue to the point where they want him out of office?

It's a simple case of veiled racism. But wait, we have a [half] black president! Doesn't that make ours a post racist society? I mean, what more could minorities want; a [half] black president is certainly the panacea for hundreds of years of racial disenfranchisement.

Some may say that the innermost paranoia and basest of fears arose in people who may not consider themselves (or realize they are) racist, when they saw a brown man in The White House. Douchebags can't wrap their mind around the fact that a brown guy with a funny name may actually be qualified to do such a job. It's the rite of birth that these characters keep pressing, because everyone knows that if you were born of the majority, then you are automatically deserving of the privileges of society and if you were born brown, you must be from out of town. Those in the minority can go back to being oppressed, as that's the way things have aligned themselves for all of these years.

I mean c'mon, slavery is completely illegal now! Just ask Mississippi, who officially abolished slavery all the way back in 1995. Hey, that was a REALLY LONG time ago, I think we can all agree that there can't possibly be any trace of residual institutional racism.*

(*see Arizona)

Prop H8ers

2012-06-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

It is incredibly bizarre that there continues to be a ban on same sex marriage in a state that has both San Francisco and Hollywood in it. People who voted yes on California's Proposition 8, which denies same sex couples the right to marry, are basically like that guy who goes to the party just to pee in the punch bowl. Some douchebags just can't deal with the happiness of others.

Douchebag Continuum

If and when this case is ruled on by the Supreme Court, let's hope that the protection of civil rights will be upheld. In the meantime, congratulations to the majority of California voters for being Major League Douchebags by upholding Prop 8 and therefore holding up social progress.

Bieber Sweat

2012-06-25T13:36:00.001-07:00

I'm gonna go easy on the Biebs for this round. After all, he's only 18 which makes him barely eligible for the Minor League Douchebag draft. Don't you worry one bit because it is clearly evident in this David Letterman interview, that he's well on his way to a lifetime of full fledged Douchebaggery.

We all know that nothing bad could possibly become of a teenybopper in his position of wealth, fame and adoration, right?!

Leif Garrett, anyone?

Um... Bieber should probably follow Letterman's advice by registering to vote (even if it's in Canada) and getting a college education.

Justin Bieber, we look forward to you knockin'em out of the park when you grow up to become a Major League Douchebag!

Watch the entire, hilariously uncomfortable, David Letterman / Justin Bieber interview here.

Hipsters

2012-06-24T15:21:00.002-07:00

It's acutely odd that you will never find a self identifying hipster. They do exist, undoubtedly, but there will never be a moment where one steps forward and says "I'm Spartacus!" Probably because Spartacus was a manly dude.

Here's a fun little trick - Next time you're at your local vinyl record store, go up to the first person you see wearing skinny jeans, a plaid shirt and an ironic beard then tell them that the Arcade Fire album that they're holding is shit. They will surely get offended and bloviate about how they are the greatest band ever, but you need not fear an altercation, for being a wuss is part of the whole persona. If you want bonus points, ask them where they parked their fixie bike and how long they've been a DJ.

What you'll find is a complete denial of the fact that they are what they are. When spotting a hipster in the urban landscape, look for the thick rimmed glasses (with or without lenses), the bright colored vintage tee shirt, the foppish, dandy boy haircuts, all topped off with the anachronistic handle bar mustache... and that's just the women! Don't forget to waft the air of unwarranted superiority.

(Be sure to wear your safety goggles whilst wafting!)

The musical tastes can range from esoteric to arbitrarily bizarre. There's no rhyme or reason, except the unified belief that anything popular in any capacity is somehow bad. I should stipulate that anything currently mainstream is the culprit. It's okay to wear clothing reflecting the pop culture of the 1970's or 1980's – or the 1880's for that matter. The trick is, if it's popular today, just wait 20 years or so, and then it will be acceptable for a hipster to like it.

When Elliott Smith became lauded by critics and loved by millions, his core of devotee sceensters resented him. For what? Because his music actually connected with more people? Was it that he wanted to support himself and pay off his college loan with the only thing that he knew how to do best? Heaven forbid anyone make money playing music, but of course that would make them a "sell out."

Hipsters want to keep things precious and suffocated in a box. As soon as something connects with the masses, those initial few fans feel like jilted lovers. They become embittered about an artist's mainstream success and will insist that the music was so much better when it was just a bunch of scratchy recordings that were done in the closet. This is why indie-rock mostly sucks ass.
Too many indie artists try too hard to sound bad, and/or deliberately alienate the masses. As soon as the music becomes more inclusive, and when more people jump on the bandwagon, it quickly becomes off limits for the elitists. I'm not saying that all popular music is great, (because it mostly sucks too) I'm just saying that it ain't all bad.

Douche.

Contrary to their own belief, hipsters actually do care about how they are perceived if they are painstakingly working toward becoming an easily identifiable group. You see, the true irony of all hipsters is that, despite their deluded efforts to be individualistic, they are much the same as one another. They separate themselves out and gravitate toward each other to make a larger group. They want to be accepted in a circle of their own, though they will vehemently deny this truth. You could paradoxically say that being a hipster is actually popular nowadays.

Full of Sh*t

2012-06-21T12:49:00.000-07:00

Remember "Joe the Plumber?" You know, the guy who became the face of the honest American small business owner, whose first name isn't even Joe, it's Samuel?

"Joe" the "Plumber" is currently a congressional candidate in Ohio, because instant fame will often make Douchebags think that they are capable of more than clearing out your shitter.

Yeah, that douche. Well he's decided to put his plumbing duties on hold and run for congress in Ohio. He recently likened American gun control laws to the ones implemented in Nazi Germany. His stance is that Jews were unable to defend themselves on account of the fact that they couldn't own guns, which, according to him, led to the Holocaust.

This guy works on so many levels of douche, it's not even funny. Well, maybe it is, just a little. First of all, I don't know much, but I know as soon as one party compares the other party to Hitler, they automatically lose the argument.

Secondly, it seems the best strategy in a political race (particularly on the Right) is to instill fear that scary big brother is going to take away your money and your guns and kill your face to death in the inevitable anarchic near future, where Americans suddenly decide they don't want the luxury of smartphones and big screen TVs, but would rather organize an uprising and overthrow the hypothetically tyrannical government in order to live in sheer chaos! Now that you're terrified of that possible, yet extraordinarily unlikely imminent scenario, vote for me so when Martial Law is imposed, you can shoot back at the tanks and jet fighters with your rifle, shotgun and/or your Colt 45!

It's gotta work! Billy Dee Williams says It works every time!

(But seriously, underprivileged American youths living in innercity neighborhoods, please continue to buy malt liquor and cigarettes that are specifically targeted for your ethnic groups. This helps big business profit, and we all know that big business knows what's best for us all. If we can keep you drunk, the government can resist getting you a decent education, all in collaboration with the social perpetuation of your stereotypical gangbanger lifestyle... hopefully you will all end up shooting each other in the face and we won't have to deal with you anymore.)

The previous paragraph was brought to you by SARCASM!

Now people may not claim they are scared and they will rationalize their argument based on some sort of "slipery slope" illogic, where they say something imbecilic like "first they take our guns away, what's next, mandatory anal rape in our schools?" This is where stupid people don't even realize how stupid the stupid thing they just said is. If you plant the seed of "anal rape" in someone's mind, you've created an unconscious Pavlovian association that will forever link gun control with nonconsensual butt sex. Quite frankly, a subliminally terrified constituency is best if you want to get elected and stay elected.

Butt sex.

Thirdly, who better to advocate for the victims of the holocaust, than "Joe" the plumber? That one is rhetorical; chew on it.

Plumbing is a noble profession, but having guys like Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher in politics is like having Newt Gingrich come and snake your pipes. I can only see his campaign going down the drain from here.

Flush faced "Joe" the Plumber is a Major League Douchebag

Congresstipation.

2011-12-21T14:42:00.012-08:00

We've never handed out 535 Major League Douchebag trophies ("Douchies" if you will) all in one fell swoop, but what the hell - it's award season!

So this week's Douchies go to every member of the United States Congress for doing what they do best... avoiding progress at all costs! They just can't seem to agree on anything regarding an economic recovery policy, and couldn't pass a high fiber law if it was covered in ex-lax. President Barack Obama gets honorable mention for not kicking more ass than he should. There comes a time when the president must step in with his big ol' swinging executive bic pen and make some changes happen, with or without the approval of Congress. It's his job, really.

Congratulations to Congress for being the Major League Douchebags of the week! I have a suggestion to help you all get along... pass the Douchie on the left hand side!