Make A Baby Blog

Merry Christmas!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:27:00 +0000

Long Overdue..........

noreply@blogger.com (Baby) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 01:27:00 +0000

Clearly we have not been very good at updating this, our apologies. In our last post John talked about my surgery, I was up and back to work within four days, feeling like myself again within a week. My check-up went well and we were given the “all clear” to try again after one full cycle and so we did.

The tests after my missed period came back negative on day three past, four past, five..…poor John only hung his head and said “You have to be kidding me, it is humanly impossible to have that much sex and not be pregnant. Someone is pregnant, you, me, the dog, a neighbor…….someone HAS to be pregnant”.

And he was right, on day six I took a test and it was POSITVE! We were elated.

Turns out that rotten endometriosis was really jamming up our game and there was little that we could do to get pregnant or maintain a pregnancy while it was there. We didn’t want to tell you another sad story, so we decided that we would stay away from the blog for a bit, just until we were through the 12 week mark and then we procrastinated a little with the Thanksgiving holiday. It is week 16 and ½ and we are due on May 31st, although baby is measuring about a week bigger than it ought to be…..long limbs the doctor says.

Our next ultrasound is on January 4th, we are still debating over finding out the sex, John is a “yes” I am a “no”, he will likely win, but feel free to chime in with your vote. We want to express our heartfelt gratitude to all of you who have kept us in your thoughts and prayers. This has been a long road and we feel so very blessed to have made the journey with each of you. This baby will be so loved and we so love each of you.

My boobs are huge (no really) and my belly is starting to match.

M

Surgery Update

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 02:16:00 +0000

Just a quick note to let everyone know that Meghan's procedure went very well. The Doctor found some stage 2 endometriosis on both overies and successfully removed it with a laser. She is in some pain, but nothing that can't be comforted with perscription drugs and love from yours truly. I asked the Doc if he thought that this was a contributing factor to our struggles and he said it most certainly was. Finally, an answer and solution. Thank you so much to everyone for your calls, messages, flowers, etc. We are truly blessed with great friends and family. Please continue to pray for Meg to have a speedy revovery. More news when she is feeling better and after we have a sit down with the Doc.

-- Post From My iPhone

On to the next "event"

noreply@blogger.com (Baby) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 03:16:00 +0000

It’s been a while and we’ve got a lot of this and that to report. No dice in June for all of you who took John up on his bet, sorry. I finished my “vaginal wandings” with an adorable nurse named Candy, who at this point I am sure, wants me to be pregnant as much as we do. On my last day, day 19 I ovulated and the target hit the tube. I was sort of sad to have to say “Goodbye” to Candy and her magic wand.

After much thought, contemplation and prayer we have decided to have Laparoscopic surgery. Well, I guess I will have the surgery and John will play nurse for the few days afterward while I recover. The surgery is scheduled for August 4th at 7AM, prayers are welcome and appreciated. This surgery is sort of a “one stop shop” which will allow the surgeon to take a look at everything all at once and assess the situation from the inside out. While I am not excited about anesthesia and having any downtime we are both excited about the prospect of knowing what is really going on. The surgery will allow the doctor to test my tubes to make sure that they are open, see that there are no polyps, cysts or tumors and will also check for endometriosis. I will also receive a D&C to ensure that there is no build up of endometrial tissue which could prohibit implantation. Should they find any of these things they will be removed or treated while I am under avoiding another subsequent surgery in the near future. It seems aggressive and it is. Out hope is that they find something easily remedied and we can try again in August.

Our spirits are high and we continue to have great faith throughout the process. I keep waiting to get bitter or angry and thankfully I feel nothing but great hope and faith. I have very much appreciated all of you who have reminded me that we are not alone in this and that you are only a phone call away should I need to vent, breakdown and have a good cry, or just commiserate with others who have been there. I am so grateful for all of the amazing people in our lives that love us and are praying for a baby to come into our lives in one way or another. To say it simply, thank you. Thank you a thousand times over for being our biggest supporters and for the compassion and faith that you continue to show. We will keep you posted.

Place your bets..

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 20:07:00 +0000

I'm taking bets on which of my swimmers will hit the target this month. $5/bet. Just print the photo, circle your choice and send it to me along with the $. Good luck! Oh, and keep sending the mojo, prayers, etc.

Meghan: A Process and a Plan

noreply@blogger.com (Baby) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 02:42:00 +0000

I fired my doctor. Many of you told me that I ought to and I just decided (about two weeks ago) that you are right. I love the new Doctor. He is also close-by which I love now that I get to see him, or one of his staff, every other day for three weeks. We have moved on to the land of the “internal ultrasound” in order to detect ovulation. It looks to me like I ovulate a whole lot later than the average bear which could mean a Luteal Phase Defect---a lowered amount of progesterone---making it near impossible for implantation and even tougher to sustain a pregnancy. So, in order to confirm, I am the lucky winner of every-other-day vaginal “wand-ing” (ladies I know that you know what I mean). The only thing better than a vaginal ultrasound is a vaginal ultrasound when you really have to go pee, one bump of the bladder with the wand and yikes…….

Today is day 16 no ovulation, a couple of eggs in there and one mighty follicle growing great-guns that John can call a “target”. Tomorrow is my day off from the doctor. I will keep you posted on any happenings. I really feel blessed to have found this “new guy”, he has a process and a plan----you know how much I love a good process and a plan.

Meghan: Let me see you in your mullet wig?

noreply@blogger.com (Baby) — Mon, 18 May 2009 02:21:00 +0000

Wow, “Eye of the Tiger”….I hope John will dress-up like the guy with the white scarf and the boots on the album cover and sing to me while playing air-guitar. I’d be pregnant in a jiffy, I am certain. I guess we’ll need a mullet wig too………

What Johnny “sunshine” says is true. I am feeling great and we seem to be back on track for another round of baby making madness. I have recently avoided doctor’s offices and general pregnancy talk for the most part; although two, yes count them two, of my dear friends and loyal blog followers are now knocked-up. And one of you, you know who you are, was not even trying…..! The other----you know who you are too----prego in the first month----freaking show-off….oh yeah, I said it. A lesser woman would feel some competition right now….but I refrain from such silliness----as all of you who know me know ---- I am not competitive, at all.

I still diligently take my temperature, several times a night, as each time that I stir I think that the alarm as just went off and I don’t want to “ruin my chart”. John is a little over the beeping sound of the thermometer at 2, 4 and 6AM, but he hides his annoyance well---most times. You know, we’re really good. Whatever this journey is, I am so grateful to be on it with him. The humor gets me though the rough spots, my amazing girlfriends listen to me vent, my family prays and John is my rock. Shannon thank you for your sweet emails and EB you are in my prayers each night, your words were so kind, thank you. Love you all…………………….it’s 10:30PM on a Sunday night and we have work (fun) to do.

John: Eye Of The Tiger

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Fri, 15 May 2009 12:05:00 +0000

Ok, everybody... Here is your chance to help. The time is right. So, for the next 4-5 days send all of your prayers, well-wishes, good mojo, good juju, good vibes and hope to the powers that be. We'll take care of everything on our end. (Don't worry, I'll spare you the details) Thanks in advance. (Insert "Eye Of The Tiger" theme music here)

John: Sticky Baby

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Mon, 04 May 2009 12:26:00 +0000

Meg has gone through one full cycle sense we've been back in the saddle and trying again. I've taken to the perspective that every month we don't get pregnant brings us closer to the month that we do get pregnant and I try not to get wrapped up in disappointment. It's not as productive to focus on what you don't have as it is to focus on how great it'll be when you'll get it.

Lately, every time we see someone with a newborn we remark with an industry standard, "awwww... How cute." Then I look at my wife's slightly disappointed expression. In an effort to cheer her up I say, "Dontchu worry lil puddin. We're gonna gitchu wuna dem bebies." Lately her response has been, "A sticky baby?" "Yes, darlin... A sticky baby" Obviously sticky baby means one that she carries to term.

I'm hatching a plan for all of your thoughts, prayers and well wishes to be timed right at our next window of opportunity. So, stay tuned for participation directions...

John: Shame on me...

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 02:16:00 +0000

So, after a few of our "fans" commented on how long it's been since our last post, it occurred to me that it was incredibly cruel to let Meghan's last post linger for so long without an update. Please accept my sincere apologies. Here is some good news: We are physically, mentally and emotional great. While a miscarriage is an incredibly devastating experience, I honestly feel like it has brought us closer together than ever before. After not one, but two vacations we are refreshed and renewed in spirit and are "back in the saddle" on the baby making front. Thank you for everyone for your kind words and understanding while we heeled and regrouped.

John's Blog Resolution: Shorter, more frequent posts. I'll shoot for once a week, but won't make any guarantees. If it comes down to "doing it" or posting here, I'm sure you'll understand.

Meghan: Faith

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 00:43:00 +0000

I am certain that God is painting the picture of our lives, day by day, experience by experience… This particular brush stoke has shaken me to my knees, but only for a moment, I promise. A few weeks ago I met John at the door with a pair of tiny booties and three positive pregnancy tests. I am not sure that I have ever felt joy like I did on that day, other than perhaps the day that I walked quickly down the aisle of Fountain Street Church to take my place beside him in life. John and I were so thankful to have the opportunity to be pregnant on our own and overjoyed with the prospect of growing our baby. We told our families, scheduled a doctor’s appointment and began to plan for the next stage in our lives together.

I feel that it is important to share the next part of this chapter not because I desire your pity, but rather because I am changed. I offer this up with the absolute belief that His plan is far greater than ours and that this experience has a place in our lives. I will use it in whatever way is shown to me. If I can help the suffering of just one, who may feel what we have felt during this experience, then our yesterday will be worth every ounce of pain. The short story, and the only way I am currently capable of telling it is….. we lost our baby just shy of two months.

If I allowed myself to be bitter it is likely that this experience could change me to the very core and make me someone who I would not like, but I will not. I have spent far too much time deciding to be someone who takes life as it comes and finds the silver lining in even the worst things passed down. This broken heart will heal, these tears (though many) will dry and I will be better for this experience. Better for this one moment in time where everything seemed to stop and I felt with every part of my physical being my heart break into a thousand pieces.

I know that there is nothing that we could have done to avoid this. I know that we are going to try again and that we will succeed. I know that there are many praying hands and watering eyes that will be beside us on this journey and that is everything to me. This is what helps me get-up, wipe my eyes, and quite simply do the next right things………believe, pray and start again.

“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed..."

—2 Corinthians 4:8-11

Unconventional Technique

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 13:24:00 +0000

Disclaimer: This is another post that slides right along the edge of "TMI". So, if your sensitive better think twice before reading on.

Anyone who has tried (Or, is trying) to get pregnant knows that one of the biggest forces you need to overcome is gravity. Basically, you're trying to get item "A" in close proximity to item "B" for an extended period of time in an effort to achieve "unity". Gravity can prove to be quite a nuisance in that process. Constantly pulling "A" away from "B"...

So, the goal is to essentially use gravity in your favor. Right? This concept is nothing new in the world of pregnancy. All the books tell you to stack pillows up under the tush of the item "B" host, or disregard your dignity all together and roll around on your back with your tush up in the air. Like some strange display of uncomfortable flexibility. I'm not convinced that either of those are really worth much in the battle against gravity.

Enter: My creativity...

Here's what I do... Take the item "B" host's legs and throw the backs of the knees over item "A" host's shoulders. Then the item "A" host needs to gently (or violently... your choice) bounce up and down using gravity to force item "A" closer to item "B". How long should the item "A" host bounce? Well, it's up you really. If you're fat, old and out of shape like me you'll be lucky to get in 10-12 good bounces before you risk a hernia. If you're a young stallion then you ought to be able to bounce for a solid 30 minutes. It can be quite fun for the item "B" host. Like an amusement park ride. Safety should always be considered though. Don't want to drop the item "B" host on her poor little head. That can make conception even more challenging. So, be careful for cryin out loud.

Stay tuned for more fun and creative ways to fight gravity. Like this...

Meghan: I may be a little type "A"

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 21:40:00 +0000

My most sincere apology for those of you who have been waiting for my newest post, sadly, about two weeks ago I fried the hard drive on my laptop and the loaner that I received from work was a gateway from 1982. We did not get along.

I’d like to tell you a little about the newest debacle in basal body temperature taking and perhaps explain to you why my poor husband has red rimmed eyes and looks as though he has not slept in a week. Those of you who know me know that I like to succeed at whatever I am attempting and that the idea of “turning in an assignment” such as the graph without perfect accuracy is just not an option for a crazy type A person like myself. While I am not at all stressed about getting pregnant and do sincerely believe that this is all in Gods hands; I am a little stressed regarding the making of the perfect temperature chart prior to faxing it into my doctor. I am afraid that I will forget to pop the thermometer into my mouth and get up. This will make my temperature no longer “basal”, in which case, I will miss a day of recording and my assignment will no longer be “perfect”----making it impossible for me to turn it in.

This has created a crazy mix within my subconscious which all came to a head last week. It went a little something like this:

At just before midnight we turned out the lights and said “goodnight”. I fell asleep and John did too. The next thing that I remember is kicking John in the shin and telling him to get up and turn the alarm off….”It is time to get-up! Go turn the alarm off….. the beeping is making me nuts”. John rolls over and climbs out of bed saying….”Ahh, I feel like I didn’t even sleep at all, gee-sh, I need to go to bed earlier”. He gets up and hits the alarm button, but the beeping does not stop. He hits it again but the beeping just keeps on. He turns to me and says “It is not the alarm, something else is beeping”. He is now stumbling about trying to see where the beeping is coming from. “It’s you, you… are… beeping” he says through the darkness. And he is right, the beeping is coming from me, from my mouth to be more specific, from the thermometer that is in my mouth. I take the thermometer out of my mouth and look at John; he looks like he could kill me, easily.
I say “I’m sorry, I am so worried about missing a temperature that I must be dreaming about it and taking my temp. in my sleep”. “Well, knock it off” he grumbles as he climbs back into bed. “Sorry” I say as I look at the clock. It is approximately 12:30 and we have been sleeping for less than an hour. “Well, the good news is you have seven more hours to sleep” I am smiling and laughing at myself at this point. He is already zonked out and snoring.

You know, he might have thought that it was funny too if I hadn’t happened three more times that night. When I woke up the following morning, he was ready to kill me. I think and I had four temperatures next to my bed…..none of which were any good as you have to have been sleeping for at least four hours to get a true basal…….so I guess I will just have to color code the graph or bedazzle it or something to make up for the inadequacy and get some “extra credit”.

John: Confuscious say, THINK POSITIVE!

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 02:40:00 +0000

What is it about Chinese food that is so good? Is it the deep fryer oil? The chop sticks? The MSG? Well, for me it's none of those. For me it's the fortune cookie. Last weekend Meg and I were punishing our bodies for dinner with Chinese food. Naturally this environment nurtured a conversation about Meghan's favorite obsession... Adopting an Asian baby. No, no, no... We're not REALLY adopting a baby. Our pregnancy conversations just seem to always gravitate that way. In a fun way. Like, "Well, I guess we'll just have to adopt an Asian baby..."

So, in an effort to keep things more positive I established a new rule: "From now on, this discussion topic needs to be 100% optimistic." At the very moment I uttered "...istic", our waitress placed two fortune cookies (and our bill) in front of us.

Mine: "Everything will now come you way."
Meg's: "You will always have good luck in your personal affairs."

Pretty cool. eh?

Meghan: Are you kidding me? And the Results.

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 22:56:00 +0000

Here is the story of my doctors’ visit and the results of my preliminary infertility testing.

December 30th, I finally make it into the always over scheduled office. John comes with me and sits patiently in the waiting room. I sign in, pull a book from my purse (you can find anything in there) and settle in for the eminent wait…..when much to my surprise I hear “Meghan?”. Perfect! I slide the book back into the “black hole” and walk toward an adorable woman whose head is peaking out from inside the internal office door. As I walk past her I see it…………the massive bulge just below her diaphragm that screams “baby on board”.

I follow her, with her adorable pregnancy walk, directly to the scale in the busy hallway outside the patient rooms. “So, why are you here today?” she says. Awesome, not only do I have to tell her that I am here for an infertility appointment, with hoards of pregnant women wandering up and down the hallway and her big baby belly screaming “Look at me, don’t you want one of these?” I have to do it while climbing onto every woman’s favorite spot……….. a scale. “My husband and I are trying to have a baby?” I whispered.

“Oh, you are trying to have a baby?” she screams back. It is the inflection on the word “trying” that makes me want to give her a little shove. Just a little one, as she is carrying precious cargo.

“Geesh, we see a lot of that around here”…..Ahhh, yeah, I imagine you would since you work in an OBGYN’s office, you genius. I reserve my thoughts, all of them, and just smile back at her.

“Oh, it looks like you are up 6lbs from your last visit? Hmmm? Have you had any changes in diet or exercise?” Ahhh, yeah, I am having more sex than a worker at the Bunny Ranch does that count as exercise? I answer simply, “No”.

She leads me to a room and begins to take my blood pressure. I decide I will try to be nice and make conversation….so stupid of me….. as this is where it gets ugly. “So, when are you due?” I ask.

“Oh, in about two months, I guess. You know, I have gotten so much bigger than with my first three, but I guess that is what you get when you’re having twins!”.
Are you serious? You have got to be kidding me? She has three “outside babies” at home and “two inside” babies, as well? Oh…wait….she works for a doctor’s office….maybe she’s popping fertility pills like Tic-Tac’s, yeah that has to be it......

“So, do twin’s run in your family?” I ask, but come on; I already know the answer is “No”.

“Oh, no…..(Ah-ha!, I knew it)……we just got lucky…(What?)….. You know we were not even trying and here they are baby one and baby two”.

You don’t say? Wow, that is just super fantastic….What an awesome thing to say to someone who is trying to have a baby…..just one….that’s all I am going for….but you, you go ahead, have twenty…like that Duggar lady from the show “17 Kids and Counting”………..it’s a vagina lady, not a clown car! My blood pressure is good and my mouth is shut for the remainder of our time together.

The visit with my actual doctor is far less traumatic. She sets up the labs for testing my blood, gives me an exam, a twenty minute lesson on how to have sex, and all of the necessities of basal temperature taking then sends me on my way---graph in hand.

Yesterday, she called to tell me only good news. All of my labs and tests are back and nothing is out of the ordinary. Now, we chart for three months and continue to try before anything more aggressive is attempted. Meanwhile my husband continues to flirt with babies at restaurants and dream of tiny marketers and salespeople while we happily wait for God’s perfect timing.

John: A dangerous concoction?

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 03:12:00 +0000

Meghan and I had lunch today at Jeanne's cafe. While we were waiting for our food I noticed a couple fawning over their new baby. And rightfully so... The kid was quite fetching. A near-perfect mixture of Mom and Dad. As we sat and discussed our frustrations with work and other things, I kept turning back to the couple and wondering. "What would the child of a marketer and sales person be like?" By nature, sales people are supposed to be outgoing, emotional and highly motivated. Their need for social interaction is narrowly trumped by their need to eat. They crave "attaboys/girls" and above all else, they are achievers.(If they're good) Now, it's no secret that Meghan could sell ice to an Inuit. Me on the other hand. I couldn't sell if my life depended on it. My mind is wired more for marketing. I'm introverted and have an insatiable curiosity. I require a deeper understanding of things and I'm deliberate. By my calculations, we could potentially (if/when we get pregnant) have an over-bearing introvert. Or, we could have a deliberate over-achiever. Personally, I'm hoping for the later...

Yes, it's true. Big, anti-social, bald guys who tell disgusting stories about poo and sperm tests can get a baby bug too.

Meg: Thanks

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 23:27:00 +0000

My husband throws away everything that I try to drink. I have never, not once since marriage, had an entire beverage prior to it being hurled into the sink and the glass put directly in the dishwasher. I spend most of my time at home wandering about trying to find what I was drinking, only to learn that it has been confiscated and tossed. Warning….if you come to our house, hold on to all liquids as tight as you can, they are not safe around John….and cans of soda….forget about it, the minute you take your eyes off of the can….you will never see it again. I feel so much better now that I have that off of my chest…..but I am sort of thirsty………..

Great news about John’s swimmers, right? No more death defying rides into Grand Rapids holding on to the roof handles in his truck for me. A big thanks to all of you from me as well. We are glad that no one is too scarred and 99% of you thought it was a great way to “laugh” about a situation that is so totally hush-hush….one of you thought we should tone it down a little………..do you know who I married? I have no control.

Now we wait for my test results….6 more days I am told…….love to you all.

John: Thanks, Concerns & Test Results

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 21:41:00 +0000

Wow! What a response! Thank you all for the kind emails. Keep in mind that the fun of the Blog format is that you can comment and others can see what you're saying. It's very easy. Just click on the "comments" link under each post. Speaking of easy. I did some upgrades to the format today. You can now email a post to someone by clicking on the letter icon under each post. You can also subscribe to the Blog via RSS, or by entering your email address. I'll address the crude layout when time permits...

I had a couple people ask me if we sent this to my parents/Meg's grandparents/Her Dad... The answer is yes. When we decided to Blog we made the choice to open up this experience to all of our friends and family (and the world for that matter.) There are various aspects of this experience that may offend someones sensitive nature(Jacob), but keep in mind that this is "Baby Making" after all.

Now for the "Cottage Cheese" test results. OK, it's actually called "Sperm Antibody Testing". I got a call from the Doc yesterday afternoon with my test results. They were negative. My swim team is fully operational. We just need my microscopic Michael Phelps to show up to the race.

Meghan: You think I should do what?

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 17:39:00 +0000

Mornings are always interesting at our house, Mickey (our soon to be 9-year-old Weimaraner) clawing at the back door, John stumbling about in the dark mumbling and me in a near coma wanting anything but to wake up and start the day. The morning I am going to tell you about is no different... other than the previous day I had been given a goal and a chart by my OBGYN and told all about the basal body temperature monitoring journey I was to immediately embark on. It seems the months of ovulation predictor test strips I have been investing in are about as accurate as our "attempts on goal" as John would say. I sit-up, I stretch, I grab for my shiny new $20 thermometer and pop it into my mouth when out of the darkness I hear......"Hey, that's not where that goes, you have to put it in your vagina?". And yes, John did say "Vagina"

It is early, really early, and I am tired, really tired, so my first comment is a quiet "No, it goes in my mouth". To which he responds "NO! It goes in your vagina". At this point I am reeling back into my memory of the previous days appointment with my doctor and thinking surely she would have mentioned if I were to have to put it there, wouldn't she? Maybe it is common sense that if you are trying to have a baby the thermometer goes in the vagina? While all of this is running through my mind the thermometer is parked in my mouth and John is saying over and over....."You are doing it wrong, put it in your vagina. If you want it to work you have to put it into your vagina!".

I casually look at him hovering over me now and say "How in the world do you know where it is supposed to go? Did you and your Doc have some sort of side-bar in which he said "Make sure that she puts the thermometer in the vagina, or a Daddy you'll never be?", or what?" John calmly says, "I have a friend and his wife puts hers in her vagina". All I can think is will he please stop saying "vagina"? Then, he says "We should call my Mom"....awesome. Yeah, lets call your Mom, wake her up out of a dead sleep at o-dark-early to ask her a question regarding the temperature gauging of my vagina. Sounds like a great way to start the day. "No, we are not calling your Mom". Please don't get me wrong, I love my mother-in-law dearly and we are close, but I'm not certain I would call my Mom with this question at 7AM.

I give up, write the oral temp. down and continue on with my day. Later we run a few google searches, talk to a friend or two and do eventually talk to Johns Mom and are told the oral temperature is the way it is to be done. So, do you think that John should tell his friends wife that she doesn't need to put the thermometer in her Va-JJ anymore?

Still, temping and charting........and feeling like I am getting ready for the 4th grade science fair all over again.

John: A nice visit to the fertility specialist

noreply@blogger.com (Make A Baby Blog) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 04:09:00 +0000

Why blog? To share your thoughts, opinions and experiences with the world. Right? Well, ok then. This is The Official Blog of Meghan and John's Baby Making Adventure. After sharing my experience at the fertility specialist (more on that in a moment) with a friend and having him collapse into a grand-maul seizure of laughter, we thought these experiences are too funny to keep to ourselves. Plus, this can be a stressful, emotional experience. Why not try to lighten it up a bit?

So, we've been trying to "get a shot on goal" for about six months now. With no success, we decided that we need to seek medical advice. Apparently protocol is that the guy gets checked for defective equipment first, but I'm not sure why that is. If something's wrong why is it automatically the dude's fault? Whatever... So, I go see a specialist that is recommended by my Doc. He's a good guy. Seems to know his stuff. He gave me a couple sample jars and asked me to deliver 2 samples of my "special sauce" two weeks apart to a lab about 15 minutes from here. So, I promptly go home and "milk the trouser cow" (Don't you love euphemisms for masturbation?) into the little plastic cup. Done deal. Now I have to deliver the package to the lab. So, I carefully package my prize in plastic and paper bags and tuck it under my arm like a football. I guess sperm dies quickly once it has been thrust out into the cold, harsh world, so you have to keep it close to your body for warmth and protect it like a running back does the ball. This is actually a little counter intuitive to what guys are used to. Usually the post-masturbation activity of choice is called "disposal of evidence". So, I race to the lab and hand some strange lady a small cup of my semen and she takes down some of my info and relays my "special package" through the door into the lab. My hope was that she would open it up and inspect it in front of me so she could tell me how impressed she was. "Oh my! I've never seen this much before..." But, the reality is that it was all a little clinical and she was clearly unimpressed. Round two went pretty much the same as round one with one exception. This time the lady at the lab was new. So, when I handed her "special package" #2 and I could tell by the look on her face that she had never handled a cup of Someones semen before. I just chuckled on my way out the door.

After the results of these two tests came back, I met with my Doc again who informed me that all was well, except one thing. I might have something called "clumping." "CLUMPING? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Like I'm shooting cottage cheese?" "Relax." he says. "It's usually from an injury in your youth, or a reversed vasectomy. It just means that the sperm are clumping together in groups and not able to separate easily to get to the egg." So, I started digging through my drug-hazed memories for what might have caused this. Did I take a baseball in the dong? Did I get kicked in the nards by some psycho-x? Who, or what could have done this to my precious "cash and prizes?" He recommends that I go see another specialist in Grand Rapids for a specific "clumping test". Being over 45 minutes away, I have now delved into a new realm of sperm testing. One which requires me to produce a "special package" on the spot. Not produced at home and then delivered. Oh boy...

Appointment day comes around and I go outside to start the truck. "Damn!" It has snowed 4-5 inches and all the roads are covered. Meghan is coming with me because she has an appointment in GR too. So, we figure we'll kill 2 birds... I'm a little stressed out about the idea of having to perform in a strange place and driving in the snow. I'm nervous. Kind of like before a big game. Those factors combined with three cups of coffee can activate bodily functions that are very inconvenient for road trips. Yeah, you got it. I gotta take a monster dump. By the time we hit the GR 8am traffic I am in full on, teeth-grinding, guts-cramping, forehead-sweating gotta take a dump mode. I was futily trying to change lanes and dodge and weave, but the retarded Kia in front of me was too stupid to live. Meghan rolled her eyes when I threaten to "monster truck his ass..." As we fish-tailed into the parking lot there is literally 2 inches of turd sticking out of my ass. I make a mad dash for the office doors, bride in tow. At this point I'm in full bathroom radar mode. To hell with the sperm, to hell with the test, just get me a damn bathroom before I deuce in my favorite jeans. Meghan is stumbling to keep up and all I can hear is her mumbling "oh God, oh God, Oh you stink so bad." Try as I did, I couldn't locate a bathroom before we got to the front desk. "I'm John and I have a 8 am appointment!", I screamed in distress. I turned and looked at Meghan and her crinkled face. She was just shaking her head in disgust. I turned to the nurse, whose face is now crinkled too. "I really need a bathroom!" "Follow me", she says. My pants were around my ankles and my eyes were rolled back in my head before the door was even closed. When the smoke cleared and the paint was finished peeling off the walls I was far too relieved to feel ashamed. While relishing in my new found state of bliss, I noticed a plastic cup sitting on the counter with my name on it. "What? I can't do that in here." I pull myself back together and start evaluating what resources I might have at my disposal. I'm in a sterile, white bathroom with a counter and a hospital bed crammed into it. "Where's the porn mags?" I asked myself. The movies always make infertility clinics out to be loaded with dirty movies and magazines. "They gotta be around here somewhere..." I open every drawer and cabinet. Nope. No jerk material. At this point my mind couldn't be further from anything sexual. I needed a visual to get me going. And I needed it now. Being the resourceful man that I am, I reach into my pocket and pull out my MotoQ (a cell phone for those who don't know). I open Google and start my desperate search. Hot chicks>naked hot chicks>naked hot lesbians>naked hot lesbians on pogo sticks. Ok, now were on to something... I take a better stance, get the cup ready and commence. 10% > 20% > SLAM! "What the hell was that?" This pathetic excuse for a jerk room was positioned in between other patient rooms. SLAM! And the friggin nurses were slamming the doors. Ok, back to naked hot lesbians on pogo sticks. 10% > 20% > 30% > 40% SLAM! 20% > 30% > 40% > 50% > 60% > 70% SLAM! SLAM! Self-encouragement ensues. "Come on Johnny. Fill that friggin plastic cup to the rim!" 50% > 60% > 70% > 80% > 90% > EUREKA! Whew. I did it. Mission Accomplished. Dignity gone, but the eagle has landed. Wrap it up and take it to the front desk. "Here ya go." I tell the young nurse. She looks at me with a hint of disgust. I grab Meg and we head for the door. Meg turns to me on the way out and says, "Did you apologize for doing that to their bathroom?"

No results on the "clumping test" yet. Will post them when I hear.