How to Make White Friends: A Brown Person’s Guide

Entry #3 – The Art of Music

Gaurav — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 17:37:59 +0000

In every brown person’s life, a situation will arise when he/she will need to give a ride or carpool with a white person without notification ahead of time. This limits the ability to prepare and is an extemporaneous validation of friendship and the coolness factor if you will. Upon entering the brownie’s Camry or Accord, the white person shall make a squishy face as to say “I smell something funky but I’m not really surprised.” This face is your sign to quickly realize that they don’t appreciate the smell (as noted from a previous entry) permeating their clothes to attack even the strongest of laundry detergents scents. Spray some air freshener (but not too much) or open the windows immediately so they white person can start breathing again….do it already! Now, when the white person has situated themselves comfortably in the shotgun seat, the brown person will inevitably turn on the music without being aware of what’s in-store for the listeners. This is when the funsies funsify.

If the brownie is uneducated in the culture of white music, then a typical filmi soundtrack shall blast from the speakers and the brownie will start singing not realizing soon enough the other person’s skin color is white and does not understand “It’s the time to disco!!” At this point the whitey has turned down the tunes and unloaded a plethora of Indian movie related questions. “What’s a disco? Oh you mean a club. Have I seen this movie? Was that really hot Miss Universe in it? Have you ever heard of [Insert random Indian song white person knows]?”

In order to be prepared for such a test of coolness, you should make sure to follow these guidelines:

Step 1) To placate this gush of questions, the Indian person shall need their very own safety CD which has the most Whiticized Indian music you can find. The track listing will always include at least these two songs:

Punjabi MC feat Jay Z – Mundian To Bach ke
Magoo – Indian Flute

Step 2) After the soundtrack has slowly changed from Bollywood to remixes to pop-culture, whitey shall be more remit to disengage their pursuit of Indian Music knowledge and more apt to resume a normal dialogue. This is when the brownie strikes…use this opportunity to discuss your knowledge of white music. Use the following names as backup:

Coldplay
Dave Matthews Band
Counting Crows
Journey
Radiohead
Maroon 5

Step 3) Stop singing every song at the top of your lungs. White people enjoy listening to the artists sing, not potential Sanjayas. They may even ask you “Who sings this song?” as a setup for the punch line “Let’s keep it that way.”

With this knowledge stored safely in the bowls of your curried brain, you will be able to validate the friendship out of a rather precarious situation for the white person. Remember to say “Dude” as many times as possible during this conversation as well.

Happy White Friending!

Entry #2 – “Is it BBO?”

whatwasitodo — Wed, 14 May 2008 03:12:45 +0000

“There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a “Smell Gestapo”. To sniff ’em out, strip ’em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush…”
– Jerry, in “The Smelly Car” episode of Seinfeld

You know what’s good about white people? “Casual sex,” you say? No, it’s not casual sex (that’s a different story I think Gaurav will write about).The good thing about white people is that they don’t smell. How crazy is that?! For some odd reason they’ve realized that body odor should be reduced for the comfort of others. Now as a brown person, you’d say “Vat is dis tinking about others? Hoo are dey to me?” Well, they are people with noses too! Regardless of your background, we are living in a global community that is all about give and take. No matter how much culture and fashion we brownies offer, the white people will never accept our body odor. Full-stop. They won’t accept ours or the East Asian or the African or the Eskiman (Eskimo-an?) and nope, not even their own. Think about all the white people you enjoy hanging out with who smell bad, ok? How many did you get? Zero. That’s because they don’t smell.

Right now I’m sitting on a flight to Chicago on United Airlines and honestly thank god that I’m not on Air India Airlines. The smell that emanates from an Air India flight is six degrees past anything foul you have ever smelled in your life. It’s like an uncontainable beast of body odor atoms clinging to the cheap cloth and sweaty pillows attacking our nasal receptors in a battle of owning the skyways. I’m able to sit less than a foot from a complete stranger and still feel relatively comfortable. We’ve been on this packed, stuffed, cramped-up plane for almost an hour now and I can proudly say the air smells like…nothing. It’s truly incredible @ 30,000 feet that not a single odor exists on this plane full of different cultures? Thinking back to all the times I’ve flown back from India I can’t overcome the stank circulating for 16 hours at a time between 400 people. It moves through the plane like the delicious garam masala that moves through your house. And to make it even worse people are continuously adding to it every subsequent flight.

So, what’s the tip here?

Deodorant (to learn more click here)

“So when somebody has B.O., the “O” usually stays with the “B”. Once the “B” leaves, the “O” goes with it.”
– Jerry, in “The Smelly Car”

To white people the person who invented deodorant is as genius as the man who invented porn. Both are necessary products of the white person’s daily life which help maintain the body from the stresses of society. Brownies suffer in the realm of both these topics, but forget to act on the whole smelling aspect. Why? Because it costs money! Money is the key to happiness people say and for brownies…the more money you have the happier you are! Screw you if I smell bad; at least I saved $4 on deodorant!

Even with deodorant, it’s understood that in physically intensive situations you’ll smell worse than a pig. If you don’t have deodorant, think about body spray or body wipes. They both come in a wide assortment of scents that will make you feel special. Not only will your BBO be blocked (hopefully) but you might even attract someone from the opposite sex with those hot and heavy bhangra dancing, dosa eating, samosa chaat hormones, baby.

Go down to your local convenience store and pick some up now without delay! If you are still too cheap, try getting all your friends to pitch in and buy ONE or visit CostCo and become a reseller. I personally prefer Degree, Arm & Hammer, and Tom’s Natural (it contains hops, like beer hops, mmmm deodorant drunk). Make sure you get antiperspirant if you smell really bad.

Taming the Outer Beast is continuous series of articles examining the physical quirks of being brown.

Entry #1 – The Mystery of Foreign Languages

Gaurav — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 23:24:18 +0000

To the white person, any language outside of English is mystical journey into the unknown just like backpacking through Himalayas. Scientists believe that knowing more languages directly increases your intellectual capacity and consequently, white people believe this increases your coolness factor. This belief also stems from the fact that most white people grow up only learning English . Some have limited exposure to tiny bits of Spanish such as “¡¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!!” and “¡¡Andale Aribba Aribba!!” Interestingly enough, some people have realized you can combine those to say “Arribba, yo quiero Taco Bell!” Though, in whitosphere, this would not make you any friends. Unlike brown people, white people don’t eat actually at Taco Bell, they regularly go to nice sit-down restaurants (outside of Olive Garden).

Extensive research has been completed regarding linguistics in Caucasians which found out that North American whites only speak one language: English. Recently, a new software package called Rosetta Stone set the world ablaze with linguistic information and training in simplified white person speak. Rosetta Stone has unleashed a few, learned white people who now speak 3-4 textbook languages and can vocalize menial conversations (ordering take out, asking for directions, etc), yet overall progress is slow.

So you ask, what does this mean to me…I just want to make a few more white friends? First, think about randomly approaching a white person (yes, it’s really that easy) and tell them you speak 4 different languages. Now wait for their reaction. They’ll look at you with bold eyes and dream of a day that they can do the same. In their breif escape from reality, they’ll think of how their parents would be so proud of little Timmy being so cultural and how he may even pick up more ladies instead of the countless evenings he spends watching American Idol eating take-out Punjabi food. After constant badgering to say some phrases, you’ll finally break down and say Namasté (or some comparable salutation / easy phrase) that they would then drop their jaw and thank you for the enlightening experience.

But listen fellow-brownite, don’t just stop there. We all know you’ve got a bag of different masalas up your sleeve to spice up the white person’s life! It doesn’t matters what you say as long as it:
1) Sounds cool
2) Can be used in the most trivial of instances (this is mostly done to protect white people from saying something completely inappropriate in a difficult situation).

Now, let’s go through a few phrases in Hindi, the national language of India, that will provide humor in those awkward brown-white melting pot moments.

My name is – Mera naam hai
I love you – Mujhe tumse pyaar hai
Shut up! – Chup Raho!
Your mom is fat – Aapki ma bohath mooti hai
Do you like it? – Aapko aacha laga? (use with caution)
Your girlfriend talks a lot, shut her up – Aapki premika zaada bolti hai, oosko chup karo
Your girlfriend is ugly, take her away from here.- Aapki saheli zaada budsoorat hai, oosko yahase baar nikalo
That’s hot – Voh garum hai

Once they have acquired and trained themselves in these phrases, insist on your white friend rehearsing them during parties and social situations that require impressing other white people. This act vouches for your coolness and enables your white friend to gain more prestige with his friends, a great win-win oppurtunity. In turn, this leads to even more acceptance by white people who will insist you teach them cooler and more interesting phrases to repeat.