Making Better Memories

Life Coach...What is that?

2022-08-31T11:33:00.000-07:00

What is a life coach? How can a life coach help me and my family?

In a journal article, Champions of potential: Life coaching for older adults, it states: "Research has indicated that clients who have received coaching attribute many positive outcomes to the coaching relationship, including improved self-awareness, a more balanced life, and healthier relationships."

I am a family life coach. I focus on helping families to succeed.

Coaching techniques include 1. Encouraging self-discovery and direction, 2. questioning, and 3. goal setting. Through discovering the strengths they have, clients can visualize a clearer path to accomplish the goals they set while avoiding challenges that have held them back.

Family coaching follows the same basic concept as all other types of coaching: guiding a person from where they are, to where they want to be. Family life coaches support families in a side-by-side capacity, offering support where needed. Coaches are there to help clients set goals. Family life coaches are like training wheels, supporting the family only when needed to make sure the family moves successfully forward on their own journey.

End of Summer with Neurodivergent kiddos

2022-08-13T21:55:00.003-07:00

Let’s talk about surviving the end of the summer.

I’m not quite sure what a neurotypical child is. I do have neurodivergent children as well as neurotypical children. I understand the premise of it but what child really is normal? What is normal?

I see on Pinterest and I see on TickTock, Instagram and all things internet, these fun ideas to do with your kids. For instance, there was an activity to make kinetic sand, flour and cornstarch or something. But in reality they’re literally just making dirt to have their kids play dinosaurs. I get it, everybody wants the best experience for their kids, but really, homemade kinetic sand just when you can go out and throw some dinosaurs in the dirt?

The point I am at in life is an interesting one. I do take care of little kids now and then. I have a two-year-old and a newborn grandbaby. I have a six-year-old who’s staying with us and then my youngest, twin 12-year-old boys. My twins are neurodivergent. That means they’re just pretty quirky. They’re different than normal 12 year old. Their biological mom did not make the best choices when she was pregnant. So, these boys are on the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum. What is a normal 12 year old? Are normal 12-year-olds in gangs? Are normal 12-year-olds playing my little ponies? Are normal 12-year-olds in at the library all day? On a soccer field or playing video games? I don't really know what a normal 12 year old acts like, but what I do know is we’re getting a little tired of summer. I thought I would never say that, because I always been a huge proponent of summer breaks. I love the sleeping in, the staying up late, the going to the library, the pool, and lunches at the park every day. But now I find myself hardly going anywhere because it’s just so hard to go anywhere. It’s the kids who are off the routine are miserable. If you let them stay up late, the next day is miserable. One of my 14-year-olds cannot physically stay asleep longer than about seven. For her, staying up, watching a movie late is a nightmare. She literally is going off of no sleep, she can't sleep in.

So, when the school year starts, I am going to miss sleeping in. I will still manage to stay up later than I should and I will continue to keep my kiddos on the best routine as possible, and I have positive thoughts on how wonderful this next school year will be. Life is short, feel all of your feelings and enjoy as many moments as you can. Make the kinetic sand or use the dirt the earth gave us, what ever works for you. You are doing a great job, mama.

Stress isn't always bad.

2022-01-31T15:56:00.006-08:00

Let's talk about stress this week. I have been hearing from clients about stress and what to do about it.

Before we get into stress, let's start with feelings. It is ok to feel things.

-It is ok to feel overwhelmed.

-It is ok to feel sad.

-It is ok to feel happy.

-It is ok to anxious.

-It is ok to feel excited.

I could go on and on with different feelings, but the point I would love for you to understand is -it is ok to feel feelings.-

There is a message that is being spread. Be happy, if you are not happy then something is wrong with you. (My disclaimer: there is chemical imbalances that cause anxiety and depression, yes, go to a clinical specialist or doctor for that. I am just talking about typical feelings.) But there is nothing wrong with you if you are feeling negative feelings.

Ok now back to stress. Definition of stress is "a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances." Your feelings of stress are normal. It is part of being human. Is it fun to feel a lot of stress? No. But we can control our emotions and our thoughts. We just need to get to the bottom of our thoughts and change our focus.

Believing that stress is bad for us is what causes problems. I have been reading up and listening to Kelly McGonigal PHD. She has a TED Talk and she has literally written the book on stress. This is a great quote from her. "When stress feels against your will and out of your control, if it’s completely devoid of meaning and if it isolates you from others, that’s what I mean by having a toxic relationship to stress. And if you have that kind of stress, then it really is associated with the consequences that we fear. Yet there is as much or more research that shows stress doesn’t increase the risk of depression or other harmful health outcomes when you have a different relationship to it. It’s how you think about stress that determines how it affects you. And many times, how we think about stress is the only thing we can control."

This is the point I am trying to teach you. It is your thoughts about stress and really, being stressed about stress that is causing you harm. We need to find out the cause of our stress and how to fix it. Stress causes depression and anxiety. If we look at the layer of why are we stressed, what is causing you to feel this way. Instead of just stressing our and worrying about things, let's look at the overall issues.

I will be on instagram stories (click here to find me) this week sharing ideas on reducing stress and feeling more in control of negative feelings. Head there to hear more or...

Text, call or set up an appointment here and we can work through and practice how you are going to think.

Connection beats Depression

2022-01-18T13:47:00.019-08:00

There is something missing in our families. It’s connection. There is a mental health crisis going on right now. Kids and teens are growing up with problem connecting. They can be scared to talk on the phone. They can stare at the phone because they don’t know how to actively listen. I love technology and it has great uses but it is also hurting our youth. It is causing anxiety and depression.

What to do about it?

My favorite quote is from David Kozlowsk on the "Light the Fight" podcast. He says "Connection beats depression." To help beat depression and anxieties, connect with people. You can use this in all aspects of your life. The point is to connect with what they like. For instance, I like crafting. My son likes fortnight. If I want to connect with him, I should play fortnight with him. I should not expect him to want to go to the craft store with me. You can use this in all different types of connections you want to make. Do you want to connect better with a coworker? Find out their interests and how you can use it to connect.

This is not a very well written article, but hope I got my point across. If you have any questions, please reach out. Contact me if you would like to try me as a life coach!! I love working with all different types of people and families.

“grief is the price we pay for love.” -queen elizabeth II

2022-01-13T23:51:00.005-08:00

I have finally started life coaching. I have been terrible with my follow through. I keep meaning to jump in feet first, or is it head first. Yeah, I don’t know. I am trying to find my online voice. Do I want to be serious and just pass out random advice or do I want to be more in the fun side of parenting, life and just surviving to be a contributing member of society? I do better with humor even when a lot of my humor isn’t even funny. It doesn’t help that I have super sentimental lately, still not sure why, but today didn’t help.

It started out as normal as a day can start with a big family. Alarms rang at 5:30ish, maybe John was up, I was too tired to think. He was taking Elly (#7) to be tested for covid. 9 of the 10 people living in this house had covid in November of 2020. But that’s a story for a different day. Annie (#4) and Jason (#5) we’re getting over a cold or flu that had the same symptoms of covid Annie is in cosmology school, so she needed to be tested (Plus, she is the 1 that never got it in 2020 so I was curious if she would have it now.) Nope. They didn’t have it. I swear I get daily emails from the jr high school telling me which one of my kids were exposed that day. I really needed to know because I baby sit my grand baby while my oldest (who happens to be pregnant with another girl!!) finishes college. I really don’t want her sick. So, for her sake, we got Elly tested

Wow, this is gonna be a novel. Sit tight. So, covid testing lines are hecka long where we live. Like 3 hours if you get there at noon, long. So John packs up Elly and was to the testing site by 5:45am (didn’t open until 7am but they were 8th in line so #worth it!!! By 7:40, we got the results that she “caught the rona… again.” Yes, she is vaccinated.

I called the school, they made me pick up the twins (#8 & 9) because they have not been vaccinated. Yes, I can be lazy and they are 11 so they were to young when we got them

So, I am sitting at home with the babies (my babies are 11. Don’t judge) playing animal crossing. I had a phone call and email about a lock down at the high school.

My children’s school had a shooting. It was outside, at lunch time, down the street a bit from their high school. 2 teens, a 14 and 15 year old were murdered by another 14 year old. A different 15 year old was shot, but he is in the hospital, still alive. It’s one of those things that you think won’t happen near you or your loved ones. Which is I am sure is what all the families involved are thinking. Life is short and life is precious. There was some sort of fight and one of the children pulled a gun and fired.

Jason (#5) was at lunch and Mia (#6) was in class. It was very stressful, with the rumors running wild. We still don’t have any information about the shooter, but my heart is breaking. I am lying in bed and my mind is racing. (Which is a good excuse for why this is post is all over the place). I am so thankful my children are ok yet my heart is broken for all of the families involved.

Life is short and the world can be terrifying. Small things just felt a lot bigger today. Cassi (#2) is struggling with a horrid professor. So I spent time on the phone pepping her up, consoling and threatening the professor bodily harm. (I really wouldn’t do anything. I was just fuming.)

And now I got word that school will be distance learning next week… funny story: Becca (#1) will be starting her first official day of student teaching. Virtually. For health and pe teachers. How in the crap do you teach pe over zoom? Just run in place in your living room? It freaking cold outside. This should be interesting.

So today, hug your family a little tighter, a little longer.. Be nicer to strangers, you never know what they are going through and let’s support our youth.

I have a few coaching appointments available. Let me know what I can help you with. It’s time to Make Better Memories.

https://ksltv.com/481371/wvc-police-two-dead-one-injured-after-shooting-multiple-suspects-in-custody/amp/I

Grandma Rules

2021-10-19T13:33:00.001-07:00

I was about 11 or 12, (please don’t make me do the math) when my older sisters started getting married and having their own families. My dad, if I remember the story right, copied his dad and had “grandpa rules”. He would always pick up the check at a restaurant. If you tried to pay, he would play the “grandpa rules” card.

I know that life coaching isn’t about advice and rules, but as I have thought about what to put on social media, I thought some “grandma, mom and life rules” would be fun.

P. S. and dad, you haven’t played the “grandpa rules” card for a while. Let’s go out to lunch!!! Who else wants to go???

Ok. Here goes nothing!!!

2021-10-19T00:19:00.003-07:00

Alright, I am ready!! Who has some tough choices to make? Parenting issues? Marriage problems? Or goals to make? I am officially open for business. Feel free to contact me by phone or email.

Making Better Memories - A new beginning

2021-10-12T20:46:00.003-07:00

We haven’t posted on this site for years. My friend, my partner in this site, this idea, this mission... passed away. It has been years now but the pain doesn’t dull. I have been trying to decide what to do with this group, this site, Making Better Memories. I decided to use it for life coaching. Kim and I would talk for hours everyday... about our dreams, parenting, marriages, adoption and just life in general.

I would like to use my degree to help people and carry on our idea to help Make Better Memories. I have an associates in social work and a bachelors in marriage and family studies.

I was talking to Kim’s daughter, as we played around in the local pool (something I did with Kim every summer). I was listing jobs I could do with my degree and life coach was one of them. After that conversation, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I think I need to turn our idea to helping families succeed instead of just sharing stories.

So? What do you think? What’s your opinion? I would love to know

Let's talk Hair Care!!

2012-10-15T01:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, so being Caucasian and having adopted four little African American mixed children makes for having some hair issues! lol But I wanted to share with you all a website that I came across www.Chocolate HairVanilla Care.com. Oh my heck they are the BEST! I am loving this website, but beware, it is as addicting as pinterest! I am learning so many things and trying new things for my girls and it is so great!
The best thing about this website is they focus on more than just hair. I would really recommend checking it out if you are struggling with hair care or other issues. They also have a facebook page you can follow...Chocolate Hair/ Vanilla Care, and a lot of people are discussing and giving feed back it really is great!
As I learn more, I will add things to our blog but for now it is 2 AM and I am tired! I will get back to you all later.

Good night!

More from Dr. John DeGarmo

2012-10-09T06:14:00.000-07:00

From the book Fostering Love: One Foster Parent’s Journey, by Dr. John DeGarmo.

It was 10:30, and our own kids had long gone to sleep, when the caseworker arrived with the two girls. The girls were scared, both of them. And why not? They had been taken from their home late at night, taken away from their mother, and placed in a strange home with strange people now looking at them.
The caseworker, Shaun, sat across the table from us, sipping a cappuccino I had made for her. “Sarah is four, and Mary Sue is six months,” Shaun said. “They suffer from poor nutrition and neglect.”
“Why were they taken from their homes?” I wanted to know.
“Well,” Shaun began, “their mother and father were homeless, and moving from one hotel to another. There was also an incident with a knife, and the children were left in a hotel by themselves for awhile, while the parents were out.”
“Is the father the father of both children? They look nothing alike,” I wanted to know.
“No, there are two different dads. The mother lives with Mary Sue’s father, and Sarah’s father is in jail,” Shaun said.
“Is this all the clothes they have?” Kelly asked, pointing to the black plastic bag Shaun brought with her.
“Yes, it’s not much, but it is all I could get. We had to go into the house with a police escort, as the mother was trying to prevent us from removing the children. If you buy the
children new clothes, just keep the receipts and put them with your monthly invoice, and you will be reimbursed.”
“How about formula and diapers for Mary Sue?” I asked. “Will we be reimbursed for that too? Diapers are quite expensive.
“Yes. Same as the clothes, just keep the receipts and hand them in with the invoice, too.”
It had been a long night, and everyone was tired. We signed the necessary paperwork for taking the two girls into our house that DFCS required, and thanked Shaun for everything she had done. But, if Kelly and I thought we were about to go to bed, we were seriously mistaken. It was at this point that the screaming started. Screaming that we came to recognize in the future as quite normal for a first night placement into a foster home for a young, confused child. Yet, if it was only the screaming….
“I want my mommy! You can’t keep me here! I want my mommy!” Sarah screamed, hysterically, as tears flowed down her face. What we were not prepared for came next, very quickly. Sarah ran to the closest door and tried to open it. “You can’t keep me here,” she screamed again, desperately trying to get out. Holding Mary Sue, I went to close the door, while Kelly tried to comfort Sarah.
“I know, I know, Sarah,” Kelly said. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”
Without missing a beat, Sarah ran straight to another door, and tried the same thing. I felt my heart breaking for her. Sarah was simply scared. She didn’t know who Kelly or I was. She only knew that she was not home with her mother. As I ran to lock all the doors in the house, Kelly swooped Sarah up in her arms, and tried to console her with soft kind words. Mary Sue
was crying, as well, and was quickly given a bottle. As I was bathing her, Kelly and I both noticed that her skin was black, and Kelly suspected that it might be second degree burns. The burns, though, were in fact hard packed dirt. Mary Sue’s legs, feet, and hands were covered in so much dirt, that she looked like she had burns. For the second time that night, my heart broke. After a thorough and tough scrubbing, Mary Sue was asleep in her crib in our bedroom. Sarah, on the other hand, was not so easy to put to sleep. Kelly spent an hour cradling little Sarah, scared little Sarah, in her arms, rocking her to sleep. It wasn’t easy, as Sarah screamed and cried herself to sleep. Sarah, though, wasn’t the only one crying. Kelly was, too.

You can read more of Fostering Love: One Foster Parent’s Journey, as it is available at Amazon.com, Crossbooks.com, Barnes and Noble.com, and other online book services.

My favorite foster care story ever. times infinity. (Melissa)

2012-10-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

When people ask me how I can do foster and how I have survived taking care of so many other peoples children, this is the story I tell. Granted, I give them the much faster version. But I will share my long, detailed account because I can.

Back many, many years ago. I had a sweet boy from the Christmas Box House. His name was Carter.

(Sorry, I had to scan this in since it was pre-digital camera for me. So he is a bit washed out.)

He was only with us for a couple of weeks. There was no suitable biological family, so a committee chose a foster family for him. One day in February, his new family Andrew and Brandee came to my house to pick him up. This is a memory I will never lose. They were so excited to get him. I watched out the window as they left, (a little piece of your heart leaves with each child). They went out to the car as a new family. Brandee climbed in the back seat to sit with Carter. That was so touching to me. I am going to be honest and I hope I don't offend Carter or his family. We had a few problems with Carter. Nothing huge. He was a good kid. But as I watched his mom climb in the back seat with him, I knew why we had not bonded as we should have. He was their son. Not ours. It was a big moment for me.

(This next part is stolen from Brandee's blog. I hope you don't care Brandee, but I loved it.)

I still remember getting the call from DCFS that we had been selected as 1 of the 3 possible families for a little boy that had just turned 3. About a week later they called us and said we'd been selected. His caseworker brought a picture of him to our house the night before we got him. I saw that picture and knew I was looking at my little boy, my son. Drew and I took the picture over to show my mom and dad. They both looked at the picture and instantly fell in love with him. He looked so sad in the picture. But the next day Drew and I went and picked him up from the shelter home.

When we got there the shelter mom asked him, "Carter, do you remember who I said was coming today?" He said, "My mom and dad."

I picked him up and he wrapped his arms around my neck and said, "I missed you."

We got home and he ran around the house touching all the walls and saying, "My house." He knew he was meant to be there.

That night my mom and dad came over for dinner. We were laughing and joking, and then in his little squeaky voice, Carter said, "I'm glad I came home." We all lost it and told him we were glad he came home, too.

I'm so grateful for this little guy.

I don't know where the time has gone.

He was definitely meant to be my little boy, he was definitely the child that was chose.

Now fast forward about a year. I was sitting in Primary (Primary is a church class for children 3-11) with my class. I look over and who do I see? You guessed it. Carter. I was antsy and wiggly as I thought about all the different scenarios that would bring him back to my church in my neighborhood. I ran up to his teacher after class and ask her who had brought him. She told me who. I went outside the primary room and ran into her. It turned out that she was Brandee's aunt. Small world, right? She was on the defensive side while I was asking her questions. It turns out she had every right to be. Brandee and Andrew were just about to finalize the adoption and the aunt was scared about where I knew him from. She didn't want anymore delays. Just a happily ever after for this family.

Now we are going to fast forward again. Are you still with me? I had a darling newborn baby girl. Here she is on her first day home from the hospital.

This is her little tee-shirt she came home with. She didn't even have an outfit. Here is a shout out to the march of dimes so she at least had something to wear from the hospital until we got her when the case worker dropped her off.

We had her for just under a month. I got a phone call after the committee screening and it was her new foster mom. Guess who? Right again. Brandee. She asked if I remembered her (how could I forget!!) and told me that she was selected for KayCee, too. We thought it was pretty amazing that my family and I had loved and cared for both of her children. It was quite the emotional experience when she showed up at my house and I handed her her baby. I cried for a while over that one. I was also worried that since she had Indian in her genealogy that they would not get to keep her. I prayed hard over them for a long time.

This is the day I brought KayCee home; I say "I" because I couldn't wait for Drew, and Carter and I went and picked her up before he got home from work! I was sitting on the couch feeding her a bottle when he got there! It still amazes me that my little KayCee was ever this tiny! She was 4 weeks old when we got her, and she only weighed 7 pounds. I love this picture of my two babies! Carter was so little! The day we got KayCee was also his first day of pre-school!

Now, back in the DeLorean. It is over a year later and we are at a park. Our school district hands out free lunches to children at schools and parks in the summer. We got to the park a bit early and we were standing in line. Guess who was in front of us? Nope, not Brandee. But Carter and KayCee were. Well, I saw Carter with someone who was not Brandee. She had two little girls in a wagon. If my memory is working right, one baby was light haired and one was dark haired. I just stood in line and watched all the kids. The interesting thing was that Carter and my son, James hit it off. They were playing and jumping. What they didn't remember was that they used to be brothers and shared a room. If only for a short time, they were brothers. I stood and watched the little girls (I sound like a creeper, but I am not, I promise.) I didn't say anything to the adults with the kids. Because of confidentiality and Brandee's family's privacy, I didn't say anything. We did ask Carter if he had any siblings and he pointed to the blonde baby. That was totally surprising to me. I expected KayCee to be the dark haired one. I had a smile on my face the rest of that day.

Now Brandee's aunt has moved from our neighborhood so I can't get any updates. A few years ago, a good friend of mine was going to the aunts house so I asked her to get me an update on the kids. And to my surprise, the aunt gave me a photo. This sounds pretty cheesy, but I cherish that photo. The kids only know them as some of our shelter kids. But they hold a special place in my heart. Guess where that photo has hung for the past few years?

Yep-a-doodle. That is my dirty old fridge.

And that's their picture taped to it.

So, there you go. My favorite foster care story. Was it as good as you had expected? I am so grateful for the experiences that foster care has given me. These 2 children don't know me from Adam, but they will always be in my heart. And I thank their parents for all they do. They are incredible. I thank them for the time I spent with their kids. I know it wasn't up to them but I do thank them for that. I am also grateful for technology that I can blog stalk and see them grow up. They are the only kids out of 79 (I have had 82 foster, but 80, 81, and 82 are not leaving. I have adopted them.) That I can keep tabs on and know where they are. And as of today when I was asking for permission to post names and photos, I am now their facebook stalker.

It's the Truth!!

2012-10-05T10:08:00.001-07:00

Legacy of an Adopted Child: (kim)

2012-10-05T09:59:00.001-07:00

Legacy of an Adopted Child:

Once there were two women, Who may not have known each other.
One you do not remember, The other you call mother.
Two different lives, Shaped to make you one.
One becomes your guiding star, The other became your sun.
The first gave you life, The second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love, The second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality, The other gave you a name.
One gave you talent, The other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions, The other calmed your fears.
One saw your bright beautiful eyes, The other dried your tears.
One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child, her hopes were not denied.
And now you ask me through your tears,
The age old question Unanswered through the years:
Heredity or environment. Which are you a product of?
Neither my darling - You came from two families giving two kinds of love.
- Author Unknown

I just came across this today and it brought back a flood of memories... Beyonce's bio mom gave me a copy of this just before we adopted her, I love it!!

"THE CHILD WE WERE ALWAYS MEANT TO HAVE"

2012-09-29T09:10:00.001-07:00

I was making my morning rounds as a blog stalker. Anyone else do that? I was reading at http://www.davethomasfoundation.org/. They have a fantastic story I wanted to share.

I love foster care. How can you not after a story like this. (Melissa)

September 26, 2012

Today’s guest post is by Tracy Mazuer.

When my husband and I met Jonathan, he was 12 ½ and playing the Mexican game Lotería at what would be his last “adoption fair” with the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services. By the following year he would age out of this program — the county’s biggest and best effort to find adoptive homes for foster children.

Jonathan was quiet and beautiful with thick, long black hair that dropped straight to his shoulders, big dark brown eyes that, when they looked up at you, revealed a certain depth of knowing that belied his age. His Lauren Bacall-esque gap-toothed smile (if you were lucky enough to get one) beamed childlike enthusiasm along with a sweet shyness.

My husband and I had found ourselves at this “foster adoption fair” after having spent $50,000, four long years, and two emotionally devastating trips to Ukraine to adopt a little girl. It was a dark, corrupt journey that left us without a child and little hope of finding one. Our social worker who had carried us through our home study process was now working at a children’s center that specialized in foster adoptions. When we came home from Ukraine more devastated than the last time, she recommended we check out the foster-adopt program. We were hesitant because we knew the headline horror story that accompanied foster children: The child will be stripped away and sent back to live with the abusive biological family. That had been the beauty of international adoption. Find your child, close the door. No biological parents, no mess.

We had also heard a multitude of other “problems” with foster kids: They’re more severely traumatized because they’ve had multiple placements, you’ll have to do regular visits with their biological families, these kids are “troubled” and will get “in trouble.” But when we broke it down, we knew that all orphans are “troubled” and there’s another word for it called….hurt. We also began to realize that a child’s connection to their biological family (as painful as it may be) can show us healthy signs of attachment – that most important ability to connect.

With nothing left to lose, we dove into the program, took all of the classes, completed yet our 3^rdhome-study, and signed up to foster-adopt a little girl between the ages of 1-5. We still had our toddler room ready to go from our Ukrainian adoption replete with clothes, books, crib, toys and chandelier. We had been told it might take time to find a single girl since that’s what “everyone wants” and we were way down on the waiting list. We had waited this long, we thought, what was another few years?

But within 24-hours there was a shift. The night after we were officially “certified” as foster parents (a requirement to adopt a foster child), we received a phone call with an invitation to a DCFS “Latino Adoption Fair” for the next morning. They knew it was “late notice,” but wanted to extend the invite. We went. The event was incredible for the children. There were volunteers by the dozens, food, carnival games, a DJ, prizes, and happy kids having a blast. We looked for our little girl, but she wasn’t there. There were only sibling groups and older children, but this was our first domestic adventure and we were fine with it. We spent the day playing games with kids and making sure they had the best time and won the most prizes. When lunch was served, (tacos, rice, beans and cupcakes!), my husband and I got our plates and walked to the far edge of the fair to sit with a couple of tweens. They had been playing Lotería at their table. I sat directly across the boy with the long black hair and the giant black-brown eyes. At one point my husband and I made him laugh. I remember that moment like it was in slow motion…he looked up into my eyes, looked down in shyness and giggled. That was it. My search was over. I had fallen head-over-heels-madly-in-love.

After lunch, my husband and I pulled his social worker aside (all children are accompanied by their workers at the fair) and asked her to tell us about this boy. She beamed when talking about Jonathan: He’s amazing. He wants to be a chef. He loves dogs. He’s smart and philosophical and deep. She also said his files are so thick that they would scare us. She said he’d been diagnosed with everything that would send parents running – Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder. He’d had 24 placements. He’d been thrown out of many. He’d gone to 12 schools in the 4^th grade. He lived in two group homes. She said she knew this boy, though, and that he was an unbelievable kid who just needed solid parents who could ride his rollercoaster until he could settle in and be loved. And, as terrifying as it was, we knew instantly that he was our son, and she knew instantly that we were his parents.

Our little girl’s room was quickly transformed into a tween boy’s room filled with Nightmare Before Christmas paraphernalia (his favorite movie). He couldn’t believe his eyes when a few months later he walked into our home, his bedroom, his 25^th placement. Two big dogs flanked his specially decorated bed and a Welcome Home sign hung from the rafters. He was speechless at first and then quietly thanked us. His social worker said that no one had ever done anything like this for him before.

That was four years ago. The ride has been the most difficult and most rewarding experience of my life. But isn’t that what all parents say? We did what most consider to be the “unthinkable.” We adopted a 13-year-old, high-risk, traumatized boy. I would never have it any other way. Our painful and extended search for a little girl led us to the child we were always meant to have – and he was right here in Los Angeles.

As for his terrifying stack of files: Jonathan is not bipolar, and what was labeled as oppositional defiance has been managed with therapy and good parenting. He does suffer from ADHD and PTSD, but that is also managed with patience and the proper care. He is attached to us as his parents, has tons of friends, and is the proud middle linebacker for his high school football team. He will be the first in his biological family to go to college.

I have never known that I could love this deeply and this patiently. He is the light of our lives. He makes us laugh more than anyone we’ve ever known. He makes us proud to be his parents.

Tracy Mazuer is an adoptive mom of a teenage boy from foster care. She is a child advocate and television producer living in California. For comical, mini-stories of her experiences with Jonathan, go to Momofcrankyteen.tumblr.com.

(I got this story from here. http://www.davethomasfoundation.org/2012/09/the-child-we-were-always-meant-to-have/)

I Love My Foster Mom and Dad by Derek Clark Motivational Speaker

2012-09-28T14:37:00.001-07:00

2012-09-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

Sad Q (Kim)

2012-09-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

One of the saddest things I think there is is when the biological parents completely give up! The two boys I have right now don't have visits anymore because the bio parents quit showing up, and there was court yesterday and neither parent showed for court. I really struggle as a parent to understand how you can just give up on your child or children. The court is now filing for termination of parental rights, which the parents probably wont even fight.

I know that the parents are going through a lot, and I know that everything they have to do to get their kids back is difficult, but I would think that the kids are at least worth some effort. I have dealt with a lot of parents in doing foster care and have come to really like and care about many parents. In fact I have come to admire many parents because of how hard they are willing to work for their children, but not these parents, I am just disgusted with them!

I'm sorry if it sounds like I am rambling, I am just frustrated with this case, and this morning *Q was having horrible screaming fits and hitting and even tried to bite Chase. Finally I sat down with him and asked him if he was sad, and he said he wanted to see his dad. I asked him which dad (because he has several from being passed around) and he said his dad *Del (which is bio dad). This is the first time he has mentioned him to me, but it broke my heart because I can't take away his pain. I can't fix this for him, and how could you EVER explain to a 3 year old that the reason you can't see your dad is because he just wont show up to visit you. All I could do is hold him and tell him how sorry I was, and that it was okay to miss his dad.

One thing I have figured out doing foster care is a lot of times when they are sad, it comes out as anger because they don't know how else to show it. After talking to Q he seemed to feel much better, not fixed for sure, but just being able to vocalize his feelings helped.

Anyone else have any stories like this that they would like to share? I would love to know how you have dealt with situations like this.

Dr. John DeGarmo

2012-09-25T06:43:00.001-07:00

I just started reading a book. It is called

(Click here to see it at Amazon.com)

And to my surprise when I checked email this morning was some helpful advice from the author. How fun is that? Have a great read!! (Melissa)

The first impression you create with your foster child is often vitally important to how the next few days and weeks will transpire. This will probably not be the sweet little child who rushes into your waiting arms, laughing delightfully, as you might imagine. It is highly likely that your foster child will be scared and frightened, full of anxiety. He may have left his family moments ago, and is now told that you are his family, for the time being. Without a doubt, he is full of questions, as emotions swirl within him. No matter how much this child has been abused, whether it is physically or emotionally, your foster child will want to their mother and father back. After all, these people have been the most important people in his life. Along with this, he has lost his familiar pattern of living, his home, his friends, and all that made up his own personal world. Although it is impossible to predict how he will react when he first meets you, it is important that you approach this time with caution and care.

Each child’s placement is different. Some may come to you with a head full of lice, while some might be some might be covered in dirt, and the few possessions they own, if any, carried in a black plastic bag. In fact, they may only have the clothes on their back. Others may come to stay with you clean, healthy, and with a suitcase full of clothing, a box of possessions, and some money in their wallet. What is important is that you do not judge your foster child based on his arrival and appearance. However they arrive, they will need your patience, your time, and your love.

When the caseworker pulls into your driveway, if possible, go out to the car and welcome the caseworker and child, introducing yourself immediately, with a warm smile and soft voice. Inform your foster child who you are and the role you will now play in his life. He may very well not understand the foster care system, or what foster parents do. Do not insist that your new child call you mom or dad. In fact, it is wise that you never insist upon this. The word “mom” may refer to the person who beat him. “Dad” may be the person who left his family. Allow your foster child to call you by your first names, if you feel comfortable with this, or by whatever name he feels comfortable in calling you. As the child may be scared, do not insist that he react to you right away. This is a time of extreme difficulty, and your foster child may be in a state of shock. As you help him inside with his possessions, take him by the hand, if he is a little one, or place a soft hand upon his shoulder, if he is a teenager. Actions like these can be reassuring that all will be okay, that he is in a safe and caring home. Do not insist upon hugging, as he may be too embarrassed or hurt to do so.

After all introductions to the entire family have been made, take him on a tour of your house, his new home. Show him where he will sleep, and where his clothes will be kept. Have a nightlight already on in the room, if the room is dark. The smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies is always a welcome one in any home, particularly for children. Ask if he is hungry, and offer him some food. If he doesn’t want any food, do not insist upon it. He will eat when he is ready and hungry.

You will have to sign some paper work with your caseworker, as well as go over any last minute news, details, and information. If possible, do this away from the child, as this, too, can be especially embarrassing and damaging to your new child. This is a good time for your foster child to eat, or be alone in his new room. If you have children of your own, it may also be a good time for them to engage in some sort of play with their new foster brother. Your foster child will likely be overwhelmed with the situation, so it is important that you make sure your home is as peaceful and quiet as possible. Do not invite the neighbors or relatives over upon arrival. Instead, allow your foster child to have some personal space and alone time. If it is late at night, do not insist that he go to bed immediately. After all, he is probably not only needing some time to reflect on the day’s events, sleep may be difficult to come by, as he is in a strange bed, in a strange home. Sadly, it is not uncommon for newly placed foster children to cry themselves to sleep during the first few nights. Do not be surprised if this happens. He may be scared and lonely. Let him know that you understand how difficult it is for him, and that his tears are normal and all right. Read to him a bedtime story each night; place a nightlight not only in his room, but in the nearby bathroom, as well. Let him know that he can get up in the night and use the bathroom whenever he needs to.

-Dr. John DeGarmo, Foster Parent, Author, Speaker, Trainer

Ambassadors (Melissa)

2012-09-24T17:51:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, Kim and I did our first volunteering job with the foster care foundation. We are ambassadors. Sounds pretty fancy and important, doesn't it? It really wasn't hard. We just had to sit at a booth at a street fair and talk answer questions about foster care. And shhhhhhhh don't tell anyone, but we didn't wear our official shirts. The hardest part was how broad peoples questions were. But it was really great to just get out and promote foster care. We ended up sitting there for 6 hours. But I did enjoy it.

I was amazed at the people that would come over to just tell us their experiences. People that grew up in foster care or took in kids when they were young. Some experiences were good and some were bad. There were also people of all ages asking about it and how they can get involved. It was a great experience. Until the end. Sadly, when no one came to pick up the booth stuff, we realized we had to take it all down. Unfortunately, neither of us had ever taken down a big canopy. That was pretty hot and tiring, but we did it. And we made it home.

I am very thankful for this opportunity. It was a beautiful thing to see how many people have been or want to be touched by foster care. Even the man that had a booth on ball room dancing (which we have got to get our husband to go try. Sounded so fun!) next to ours had adopted a child out of the system.

I am pretty excited to do it again, maybe we will just sign up for 1 time though. 6 hours was super long. But I signed up to be an Ambassador so I could help without having to take in kids right now. I am really glad I did. Anyone else do anything to volunteer?

Another story from Barry, Yeah!!!

2012-09-24T06:10:00.000-07:00

The Photo

When my son first arrived as a foster child at my house he was 7 , and a few things didn't sit well with me . He brought very little personal items with him , the clothes he brought were two sizes TOO big and few this were too small. The only items I would consider very personal were two stuffed animals and a very important Photo . It was a photo of him and his mom . The photo was on regualr print paper in black and white and he looked SO HAPPY! I asked if that was his mother he said "Yea , I haven't seen her in a while ". I asked why the photo wasn't in his LIFEBOOK he said "What's a LIFEBOOK?". As I unpacked his things I found the book .... He had been in foster Care a year and there was not ONE thing in the book ! I was shocked , in my state all kids receive a life book when they enter foster care and foster parents are supposed to help the child work on them to perserve some sort of stablity and memory for the child . I slide the photo into the book . A few weeks later I go into his room to straighten up . I see the Photo on the side of the bed bald up so I take it and scan it to my computer the put it back where he had it .

A year goes by and one night my son and I are talking about his family and what he remembers. I like to do that sometimes to get the feelings out that he may be feeling at times . But this conversation was ALL about his mother he talked about the goodtimes they had , what they use to do , he wondered if she was thinking about him , even if she was still alive . But when he said "But sometimes Dad I can't remember what she looks like . ". He his face looked SO sad his mood changed and he started to mope around. To myself I said " O NO!". I remembered I had scaned the photo ! I went to the computer and printed it off I put it in a frame . I then took it in his room to him I said " I know you are feeling a little sad so brought this to cheer you up " I turn the picture around the look of peace on his face was priceless . He said " DAD!!! Its my mom ! How did you get this picture! ?". I said " You brought it with don't you remember ? ". He said "No". He looked at the picture and said " Dad you remember when you told me about tears of joy ?". I said "yes". He replied " I know what they are now , its ok I'm not crying because I'm sad if you are wondering , I'm happy .

Patience! (Kim)

2012-09-21T16:52:00.001-07:00

Oh the places you'll go, the things you'll learn and the crazy you'll feel all while doing foster care! I know it doesn't rhyme, but it totally makes sense to me.
Life at our house is so crazy right now with 10 kids, 5 of which are between the ages of 3 to 5. I keep looking at them and thinking to myself, have you completely lost your mind? Some moments I think I have or I am getting very close. The two boys we have right now are so adorable, but man they have some anger issues, and it is very draining.

It doesn't matter how long you have done foster care you will always learn something new from every child. With these two boys I am learning a lot of patience, I always thought of myself as a patient person, but I guess I still have more to learn in the patience department.

Yesterday I went in the boys room and picked up the Lego's that had gotten spread all over the room from the kids playing and put them back in the bin. (let me just say I hate picking up Lego's they are so little and are a pain.) Just a short while later *Peter got upset with me and went into the room and threw the Lego's all over the room again. Oh I was not a very happy mamma! But I calmly walked in the room and told Peter that after he took a nap he would have to pick up the mess. When he woke up he came out and asked for a Popsicle, I then reminded him of the mess he had to clean up. He decided to sit and sulk for a bit, and I told him that was fine, but until the mess was clean he couldn't have his Popsicle. One of my older daughters then got out some M&M's and Peter ran over and asked for some, I quickly reminded him of his mess, I said "Peter, run in and clean it up and then you can have some M&M's and a Popsicle." He still wouldn't budge, but after a few minutes of thinking it over in his head I guess he decided it was worth cleaning up the mess. He came back to me and said "Mom, I cleaned it all up." He was so proud of himself and I was so proud of him too! I had him show me what he had done, and I praised him for it, but reminded him that it is not okay to throw things around just because we are mad. I then gave him a big hug and his treats. We are making progress, slowly but surely!

A trip to the dentist. . . (Melissa)

2012-09-21T12:54:00.003-07:00

A few years back, we had a sibling set of 3. Shortly after we told them they had a dentist appointment the next day, the 7 year old disappeared. We couldn't find her anywhere. We searched and searched. We had the neighbors out searching. They were searching in our house. We looked everywhere. After about 30 minutes I called the Christmas Box House to ask them what to do when I lose a shelter child. She told me to call the police and have them help us look for her.

So I did. The dispatch was very nice and helpful. They sent out an officer. Right as the officer got to my house, the older girl had ran into the basement screaming, "they called the cops, he's here!!!!!" The poor 7 year old had squished herself up in a ball under a bunkbed behind some drawers. When she heard about the police, she was so scared she would get taken away she came out. She was upset for a while. Police had taken her parents and she was scared she would have to go to jail. Poor thing. We told her she had just scared us, but I felt bad that someone so young would have such a reaction to the police, who are there to protect her. Anyone else had to get police involved?

Always Be Mom & Dad - Adoption song by Becky Wright

2012-09-19T08:39:00.001-07:00

Baby *Mikey (Kim)

2012-09-19T08:10:00.000-07:00

Baby *Mikey came to our house after getting released from Primary Children's Hospital. Mikey was three months old and had several broken bones, he had bruises all over his little body and bite marks all over his back. When he came to our house he had his arm in a sling and was still in some pain, but that little baby smiled the biggest smiles you have ever seen. Now for a baby to have been abused like this you would think that he must have been a baby that cried non stop, nope! Baby Mikey never cried. He was so content to just lay in his chair and look around, but man when you would talk to him his eyes would sparkle and he would smile and I swear to you the whole room would light up. This baby was something special. We all loved Mikey so very much and would have given anything to make him apart of our family, but he had other siblings in a different foster home so he ended up being placed with them. We don't know what ever happened to that sweet baby, but we sure hope everything turned out okay for him. It was hard to let him go, but we sure were lucky to have been apart of his life if even for a short period of time!

Keeping Bio Parents Involved or Not? (Kim)

2012-09-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

This is a huge topic, and you will get a different answer from any one person you ask. Rightfully so I must say, because every situation deserves a different answer.
In our own family we have adopted from three different families and have three completely different situations with each adoption.
Beyonce knows her bio moms name and has pictures of her, she has some of just her and some of them together. Beyonce doesn't have any contact with her right now but knows that when ever she is ready to meet her we will help her contact her and set that up for her. As for right now Beyonce has said she would rather wait until she is older and we told her that is up to her and we support her 100%!
Breanna and Alyssa know who there bio mother is and they have a very open relationship with her. We are good friends with her and her family and enjoy spending time with them. Breanna and Alyssa will go for overnight visits and just have a great time with her. We consider her to be a part of our family!
Chase doesn't know who his bio mom is and truthfully neither do I. I feel bad about this for his sake, but during his foster/ adoption his bio mom was in jail and I never met her. Thanks to the caseworker I do have a few photo's of her, but other than that the information is very limited. When Chase is older if he wants to find her I will do my best to help him. I do think it is important for kids to know who their bio family is, even if they are not apart of their lives.
I would love to hear other ideas or stories on this topic. Please share with us what you think!