Making God Easy

2017-02-17T17:21:00.001-08:00

I’m not sure why following God has to be so hard. We have made Him so difficult and He has made Himself so easy. But isn’t that just like us? It’s in our nature to make a “mountain out of a mole hill”.

I started writing this Blog when Mike and I entered into marriage therapy. I wanted to write about our journey. I wanted to let everyone out there know that Mike and I single-handedly destroyed our marriage and then together with Jesus being our center rebuilt it.

Mike and I met back in 1988 and were married in 1992. We started marriage therapy February, 2016. We made a decision that everything that we did before 2/2016 has been forgiven and doesn’t matter anymore. We worked it out, and it was hard. (just read my blog) We are not the same people we were when we started therapy…Thank you Jesus!

But marriage is never all of a sudden fix and you get to rest. OH NO MY FRIEND!

At midnight everything is erased…good and bad. Couples start every morning with a clean slate. It doesn’t matter if you bought a $100,000 car for your spouse the day before, at midnight it’s a new day and you have to start over again. That’s why you never go to bed mad, work that crap out.

This is just one of the survival tactics Mike and I have learned this past year.

I hope you enjoy my crazy life. God Bless

Married Couple + Jesus = Perfect Threesome

2016-11-27T15:09:00.000-08:00

We all have in us a perfect blend of "Regina George, Cady Heron, Gretchen Wieners, Karen Smith", & let's not leave out "Janis Ian". If you don't know who these characters are, these are cast members of, "Mean Girls". It's a cult classic. I would like to write about one scene which touched upon the part of the main problem of people. We tend to be the meanest to ourselves. And we don't even know it. Our Own Words Are Our Worst Enemies.

In the movie scene it shows "The Plastics" in front of a mirror saying the mean things about themselves. In the scene Regina George says she has "Man Shoulders" and another one says she has big pores. The main character, Cady Heron, had to learn about these "girl rules". Women are to verbally self mutilate. When it was Cady's turn to say something mean about herself, she said she woke up she had bad breath, to prove she didn't understand the "verbal self mutilation"

Verbal self-mutilation is true and it happens, I have caught myself doing it. But worse yet, in front of my children. They have stopped me from saying mean things about myself. But I'm showing them it's ok to do it. I have since tried so hard to stop saying mean things about myself. I do catch myself right when I am about to self-verbal mutilate. It is habit forming, and it will be a slow death no worse than heroin or meth, in my opinion.

So first rule of survival is get your self image through Jesus Christ. First and foremost! You will never make it on your own or if you try to rely on this world. Don't get your identity through your work, family, body, worldly things. The only way to survive your time on earth is by surrendering your heart to Jesus, and then becoming a disciple of Jesus Christ. And that means different things for different people.

Second rule, read the Word (Bible). Be excited to spend time with The Father. He is excited to spend the time with you. The Bible is like a text message, remember the Words and Phrases in Red are ALWAYS spoken with LOVE.

Everything I'm writing about now is sort of an intro to what I'm about to tell you with what's going on with my family right now. We have been going through some major changes and I would like to share them with you all. First I would like to brag about my daughters.

Oh my daughters.... my loves.....total and complete opposites! And that is what's so cool about them. I am so completely amazed and in love with them. They never make me stop laughing. These two are best friends and I couldn't be more proud. I don't know how many mom's get to say their daughters are best friends with each other?!? I am so blessed that I do. Thank you girls! This is the best gift ever!

But here's the deal....

You see, our family is in an almost emergency situation with my father-in-law's health. And my mother-in-law needs help like yesterday. Being the service family (Mike calls us that) we are, we decided to move out of state and 1 block over from my in-laws. Now I'm sure some of you will be reading this and cringing right about now, but I lucked out when it came to in-laws. I truly love my mother and father in-law.

But here's what's different about this move and our life now, Mike is leading our family. He is leading us with Grace into this new chapter. He is being the husband and father that he would'a, should'a, could'a been....I believe he will be husband, father, leader, I never let him be. I didn't trust him, because I didn't trust God.

We are doing this move the right way, the Biblical way. We are asking God to lead us, and speaking words of Hope. Of course we're praying, asking for the Holy Spirit to guide us in EVERYTHING! We are being careful with our words, only speaking words of Grace, Love, and Hope. We have never lived our lives like this before...ever.

I think that 24 years ago this is how I was supposed to feel on the day I made my wedding vows. I don't believe I ever truly cut my "apron strings" with my parents until we bought this house last weekend! For the first time in our marriage, NO WAIT, for the first time in our relationship, "I'm truly understanding what it feels like to be Yoked" with my husband...and it feels.....overwhelming!

I don't have that pressure on Mike to try to live up to my expectations, which are unrealistic. I don't have the anxiety of trying to control Mike or my children anymore. I took the focus off the imperfections in myself and others and put my focus on Jesus. He is the only Perfect One out there.

Mike and I can love Jesus with all of our mind, body, and soul. All of us are in this marriage. In fact, it is the only time a threesome is allowed. Mike and I love Jesus together at the same time.. We are actually a stronger and healthier couple if we do include Jesus in our relationship! Thanks Be To God! In Jesus's Name, Amen
Might I invite you all to try it out some day?!?

I Believe In God With All My Heart, Because I Feel God With All My Heart

2016-09-30T12:53:00.000-07:00

I would like to write about the Book of Jeremiah. For some reason this Book in the Bible has caught my heart this week. First off, Jeremiah was older when God began talking to him. But when Jeremiah DID start listening to the Lord...it was "Bible-Writing Worthy" . If you know what I'm talking about?!?!?! Here is some of my favorite verses...

Jeremiah 1:5-8 ,The Message

This is what God said:

5 “Before I shaped you in the womb,
    I knew all about you.
Before you saw the light of day,
    I had holy plans for you:
A prophet to the nations—    that’s what I had in mind for you.”



-That verse is proof God knew how He was going to individually create every single nook and cranny of you before you were born. God also created us with a purpose. Jeremiah's purpose was to be a prophet. Do you know what your purpose is? 

The only way we find our purpose is through a close relationship with God. And how do you get that? You ask? It starts with Salvation. Just like I wrote in my previous Blog...

 http://li2w.blogspot.com/2016/09/2-sides-to-being-born.html

From there the "mustard seed" has been planted and you get in the Word, pray, find a good church that does an invitation every single service, and forgive yourself of your past (that is the most important!)

6 But I said, “Hold it, Master God! Look at me.
    I don’t know anything. I’m only a boy!”

-Typical response, wouldn't you say???? I think mine have been, "Are you sure God?", "Do I really have to?" and "I'm not worthy". That is just the devil seeing an opening to do his work. It's so important at those times to concentrate on The Holy Spirit. Ask The Holy Spirit to "fill up the place around you and calm your heart". He will, right then and there. That is what Faith is. And God giving you the calmness is Grace.

7-8 God told me, “Don’t say, ‘I’m only a boy.’
    I’ll tell you where to go and you’ll go there.
I’ll tell you what to say and you’ll say it.
    Don’t be afraid of a soul.
I’ll be right there, looking after you.”
    God’s Decree.



-I don't know about you, but when I read, “Don’t say, ‘I’m only a boy.’ I tend to cringe. The one person you don't want to make mad is God, and it sounded like Jeremiah made Him a bit testy. But God didn't get mad, He gave Jeremiah encouragement and love. That is what God Is. He is Love, Encouragement, and any other positive word you can think of. 

    God comforts us in verses 7-8 by telling us we don't have to be anxious about anything. God is talking to Jeremiah, but really, the Bible is for all of us to learn and live by.  Do you all understand that? This story is about Jeremiah, but God does this for everyone that is Saved and who believes in Him. 

    It is my belief that people tend not to believe in God because it's a control thing. I think people correlate God with control. But in all reality, God is just the opposite. He gave us the gift of "Free Will". He understands that we only control ourselves. And still loves us anyway.

    But when we decide to let go of the control, and hand our hearts over to Jesus, God's Grace is like falling on a gurney when you're absolutely exhausted.  Jesus will carry us through any hard times or traumatic events, and make those devastating times "doable". He says, "Don’t be afraid of a soul. I’ll be right there, looking after you.” I believe that with all my heart, because I have felt that with all my heart.

   I love these next verses..."hand-delivered" 

9-10 God reached out, touched my mouth, and said,
    “Look! I’ve just put my words in your mouth—hand-delivered!
See what I’ve done? I’ve given you a job to do
    among nations and governments—a red-letter day!
Your job is to pull up and tear down,
    take apart and demolish,
And then start over,
    building and planting.”



-This is when I think that God is a funny guy. When God reaches out and touches Jeremiah's lips and then says His words where, "Hand-Delivered". That's funny! I love the fact that (I like to think) My God has a sense of humor, or has given me one. Ha Ha! The "Red-Letter Day"   means a holiday. That's how I'm going to read it. A celebration! Jeremiah has his purpose. And finally knows it! Praise Jesus!

    

There are so many reasons to want to turn our lives over to God. He makes life livable. God never lets you forget your purpose, and everyone has a purpose.

Thank you to all the Missionaries out there preaching God's word and getting people saved. Combine that with God's gift of Salvation... and you get God's Grace. Praise Jesus!

In Jesus's Name, Amen

#MakingGodEasy

2-Sides To Being Born?!?!?!

2016-09-17T15:37:00.003-07:00

I would like to explain what it means to be "Born Again". It's my understanding that some people get the meaning of "Being Saved" and "Born Again" all mixed up. That's ok, I get it. It's our job to get God's Message out about Salvation to the world. Our purpose to help people to be choose to be"Born Again". But first let me explain what "Born Again" means in the most simple of terms. So first, let's ask God to open our heart's to understand this message please & thank you. In Jesus's Name, Amen.

If you have been following and reading my Blogs then you know that I constantly talk about how there's ALWAYS 2-sides to everything. If there is a front then there's a back, if there is a heads then there's a tails, same with up and down, & so on. But what some people don't know is that we have an
inside and an outside. And I don't mean "skin and bones" and "stomach and heart". Yes, DUH! We have internal organs and external organs. What I'm talking about is our inside and outside is our: body and soul. The body and the soul are each other's 2-sides...and we all have them.

Have you ever had a person who picked on you or hurt you in some way? Have you caught yourself saying how that person was "ugly on the inside" even though they might be beautiful on the outside? Well, yes that person IS probably ugly on the inside. Their soul is damaged. Maybe there is some anger the mind has not let go of. Or maybe that person doesn't know Jesus yet? Those people that need the most love and prayer.

Unfortunately, for their victims, that may be the last thing in the world they want to do. I know that feeling personally. But when you tell God that your pain is too much and please take it, He Will. When we go through hard times, that is the time God wants us to rely on Him the most. But unfortunately some people need someone to blame and they blame God instead of asking God to help with the pain. They yell and blame for God the pain instead of asking God to help them get through it. I can testify that so far in my life God has not let me down, and I don't expect He Will.

I'm going to break down the phrase "Born Again". Let's start with the word "Born". "Born" is also 2-sided, like up and down. The First side of "Born" is our body being born out of the womb. Very scientific, no one can argue with it, it's a fact. Babies are born from their mother's womb.

The Second side of "Born" is when we choose for our inner body (soul) to be born of Jesus. This is what it means to be a "Child of God". With making that choice, you are choosing to live your eternal life in Heaven with God the Father. This mean your "soul" gets "Born Again". And I'm telling you right now... you will feel so much better. Life is so much easier with Jesus! There is no other feeling like Jesus! When we choose and declare out loud that, "Jesus is the Son of God, Jesus was the only person born of a Virgin, He came down to earth to be our Sacrifice. When Jesus died He took away our sins when He died on the Cross." In Jesus's Name, Amen. You say that, You believe that, You are BORN AGAIN!

Moving onto the word "Again" in this context means you made a choice to be washed clean by the Blood of Jesus. When you hand over your life to Christ, right then and there "your past does not matter, I have Taken It Away". You are washed clean by the Blood of Jesus. So in fact you are being born twice. So the word again actually means twice. You are born once by your mother (body) then you choose to be Born Again (twice) by the Blood of Jesus. Even if you have only a little belief in this theory, God hears you. He knows what the Faith of a mustard seed can do.

It's very important that we do the job that we are truly created to do while here on earth and that is to get as many people's souls "Born Again". That's It! If you want to know what your "purpose is"? Start searching for Jesus and how you can tell people around you about Him.

All I can say is Love conquerors all.

Why Does Coming Clean Feel So Dirty?

2016-09-10T08:05:00.004-07:00

I've seen how people pile their own crap on other people. You know what I mean, throwing our own insecurities on the people we love. Sometimes insecurities are justifiable and sometimes they're not. For example, when you're insecure about cheating, only because you're a cheater. That is what I call "throwing our own crap on other people". And unfortunately, just about everyone puts their insecurity on others. Especially couples, married or not, almost every couple does it. If you don't, God Bless you, you are either in denial or you're blessed...ignorance is bliss.

In my past Blogs I have written about Mike's huge money issues. How he's always afraid that we never have any money, and how he's always hidden money from me. His love and fear for money consumes him always. So much that it has clouded his judgement in how he brings money home. He was accepting construction side jobs for single female coworkers.

He would work on these houses without an "accountability buddy". If you are a monogamous married couple you know what I'm talking about. It's someone to account for your actions. And to top it off, he wouldn't even ask me if I was OK with him accepting these side jobs. In his eyes it shouldn't matter because "we need money!". He would think nothing of it. But in reality, never should a married man be alone with any woman. It's an accountability issue.

I don't know if anything happened. He says nothing ever happened. OK, that's fine nothing happened. But he can't prove that. Just like he can't prove that something did happen. I'm going on blind trust. Until recently I just wasn't willing to do that. Because I was the one with the secret. I was the one who couldn't be trusted. Because I was the one with the trust issue. Trust is my crap. Mike was the one hiding money. Mike has money issues. Money is his crap. Now if we could get through all this crap we'll be golden!

The truth, I WAS untrustworthy. I had many secrets from Mike, and those secrets were slowing killing our relationship... and me. I think I always knew that, but I never had the courage to tell him. I was scared to grow up and take responsibility for my own crap.

First and always I lean on Jesus, instead of Mike, for my self acceptance. I can get through anything with Jesus, because Jesus has been with me so far. And I've survived my life thus far. Jesus will be with me forever!

_________________________________________________________________

Before I completely handed over all my shame to God, I was willing to take all my secrets to the grave. I thought that if Mike ever knew these secrets about me, he would for sure leave me and hate me forever. But that was all about me, I wasn't even giving Mike a chance. Because I thought I was dirty, even though I asked God for forgiveness, and I knew He forgave me. I don't believe I ever forgave myself until recently. Until I finally understood why Jesus died on the cross for "me" and "you". That's when I was truly free.

When I visualize Jesus on the Cross, I see myself taking each shameful thing about me and I lay it on Him. Then He takes it away from me. That is why He died, so we don't have to live with shame! Praise Jesus!

Mike has always been a "solid" person in my eyes. I like to tease him and call him "Perfect Mike". Because it's like he never does anything wrong. He's calm, or appears to be, and he's funny, and did I mention he's handsome. Oh yeah, he's super good looking. Mike's 6 years older than me, so I think maybe I look up to him. He happens to be a very distinguished man, and I know I'm extremely lucky. He's always ready to crack a joke, and when he does watch out because he is hilarious.

Our therapist told me when I talk I look at Mike. Almost like I'm looking for approval. Maybe it is approval? I think I just want to make sure he hears me. I don't feel like he notices or hears me all the time. He gets lost in his head a lot. He's quiet, some call it shy. But he's a thinker.

This is what I think it's like to be Mike; he has the conversations in his head he should be having in real life. And sometimes he gets confused and thinks he actually had that conversation. Sometimes he even forgets to talk out instructions with me. Because he just talked it out with me in his head. But that only happens if I let him think too long. Which I have learned not to do. I love this man

I hope I'm not making him sound crazy, he's not at all. He's actually very brilliant. He effortlessly convinces people to believe in themselves. He encourages people to do the right thing independently. Mike is a no-nonsense kind of guy. He has incredible ideas and dreams and his faith in God is boundless. Mike is the one that has kept our family together, he is our strength. I believe that I'm blessed to have found my soulmate for life. He is quick to forgive and forget...Mike is my husband.

"Sister's Close"

2016-09-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder why God puts people in our life? And then we become friends with these strangers. I mean we really bond with these people outside our family. I'm talking about the "best friend" level kind of people. I'm lucky because I have one of these people in my life. And that makes me blessed.

Sometimes you meet these friends when you're in college or living in the suburbs. You'll be you're in your mid 20's or early 30's. But here's the kicker...You'll have about 8-10 friends at this time but only about 1 or 2 will hang in there for your lifetime. But the good news is these are the friends that you will consider family. These best friends are true gifts from God.

My best friend is named "Lisa". (It's not but, I'm going to give her some privacy. hahaha) We have been friends since 2002. That is when her family moved about 2 houses down from us. Two of her three children were the same age as my 2 youngest children. To this day 2 of our boys are still extremely close, like brothers close. As for Lisa and I, we are "Sister's Close".

That's really nice for me because I don't talk to my sisters anymore. (which is a Blog itself) Lisa has taken my sister spot for me. It's so nice to have a friend that is willing to take on that role, and never asking anything back. She doesn't even know how much she means to me. As far as she knows she is just a someone I call "my only friend". Because she is my only friend. Lisa is truly the only person I hang out with outside of my family.

The thing that makes us so great is that we don't judge each other. We just don't. She is my first adult friendship, and it is so nice. I know secrets about her and she knows secrets about me and we just accept each other, without judgement. How many other people can say that they have friends out there like that? I am blessed.

I have seen Lisa at a very low point and she has seen me through some very low times in my life. She was by my side after my suicide attempt. And I was right next to her during her divorce. Because that is what sisters do for each other. I don't know what I would do without her in my life. She is very important to me, and she doesn't even realize it. I just hope she feels the same about me. I want to be an energy giver and not sucker.

"Lisa" if you ever read this...please know that you are so important to me and to God. You are Light and Salt! You are an inspiration and a survivor. You make me laugh all the time with you stories. You are beautiful...especially when you smile! I love you Sister! Please always remember that!

My Time In Heaven...Part 2

2016-08-19T17:00:00.003-07:00

I feel it's time for me to post about the 2nd part of "my time in Heaven" In case you need to catch up I have included the link to Part 1 on the bottom of this page. So please click on that that before you continue reading this...

I left off with me in (what Catholics call) "Purgatory". I call it "All Souls Place". My earthly body was dying but my soul is going to start healing in Heaven. You see, the way your body dies on earth is the way your soul heals in Heaven. When you hear people say, "my life flashed before my eyes" that is what happens when Jesus healed my mind up in the first level of Heaven. This is what I'm going to write about today...my time on what I call the "1st Level of Heaven".

I want to talk first about the cheering and the love I felt while being lifted out of the Lost Souls Area.
It was a loud roaring cheer. But my ears could take it. Because it was a beautiful loud cheering that I wanted to hear, it was beautiful. And I could feel the love and the smiles. You know when see someone out of the corner of your eye. And you just "know" that they are giving you that "welcoming" smile. Well, I felt millions x trillions x billions of those + countless amounts of love. That is how it felt for me to go from the Lost Souls Area to the 1st Level of Heaven.

In the 1st Level of Heaven, my grandmother Austa greeted me with my nephew, Luke, behind her. Luke wasn't first because of the rifted between my sister and I. (That is a blog for another time) I was shocked and humiliated that my Grandma Austa met me first because I didn't always treat her very well here on earth. But she was happy in Heaven. And she was well... I don't mean "well"...I mean "WELL!" I can't say if she had a body, per say, but I know that she was beyond happy with the way she was. If that makes sense.

When she was on earth she was always searching for a man. My grandfather treated Austa and my father terrible. But my grandfather did Austa dirty. Because he cheated on her all the time. He would even bring his girlfriends home to meet her. She had horrible self worth and self esteem. Even though she was outgoing. Our relationship was always on the rocks. She was always making me upset with her words. Such petty things, really. But she always loved me, and I never knew that, until I died.

I want you all to know that while I was up there on the 1st Level of Heaven I know Jesus was with me the whole time.Some might question how Jesus can be with everyone at once. My answer..He Can!.. He is God, and He Can. That is part of believing in Him and having Faith.

(Dear Lord, I hope this part of my blog describes Heaven to Your Will. And does it justice. I pray that it blesses others. And I pray that it pleases You. In Jesus's Name. Amen)

http://li2w.blogspot.com/2016/07/that-was-day-i-diedpurgatory-part-1.html.

#MakingGodEasy

Dear Lion, The Hardest Part About Forgiveness Is Realizing What The Past Could Have Been

2016-08-02T18:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Lion,

My heart is broken. I'm sad beyond belief. Why did we wait so long to forgive and trust each other? The hardest part about forgiving is forgetting about what the past "could have been". I now know how great our relationship could have been. And that makes me mourn over the fact that we waited 27.5 years to get to this point. I'm not upset because of the silly things I've accused you of doing. Because I'm accusing you of things that I don't want to be true.

I'm confused because I know what I have now. So how can we still have these hang ups? We have learned so much about each other over last 15 weeks. We have learned this new respect and love that I never thought I would feel with you. I understand and respect the way I need to approach you with confrontational things. I am doing the best I can do right now. I'm changing and it will get better with time. With all of this... Why then do I feel like we are at the beginning?

I would say our biggest hang ups are; me accusing you of being untruthful and you accuse me of recklessly spending. Those are our biggest hang ups. But Lion, if you really look at this both of these fears are within us. These are ours fears. We are just pawning our fears off on each other. When we look deeper into our arguments, we are really just arguing with ourselves. We need to love ourselves and forgive ourselves first before we can forgive each other.

I have accused you of being deceitful towards me so many times, I'm sorry, it wasn't you I was accusing of being deceitful...it was me. I am the one who lies in this relationship, not you. I have lied to you over and over again and you just roll with it. I'm so sorry. I don't want to like that anymore. Thank you for the grace you've showed me over the years. I'm sorry I've lied to you. But you know everything now.

I have been careless with money, too. That is where I've been most reckless with your heart. I handle money so much better now, and I'm showing you. The problem is, the damage is already done. But like I've always said there is always 2-sides to every story. You hid money from your family. I sort of understand why you did it. You thought that I would blow it, but when you're raising a family of 6, there will be co-pays, clothing needs, and food needs. So money will to be spent. So when you hide hundreds of dollars from your family (that has $2) Yes I will get a credit card. But! I did mishandle that credit card. So we all lost in the end.

We are living with the sins of our upbringings. I don't want our children to be the products of our last 27.5 years. So let's change this cycle. We need to recognize the past, forgive each other, and then Let God handle it from there. God has lead us through this healing process. He is not going to let the past defeat us. Lion, we are to build each other up and encourage each other. I have not been doing that for you...Please forgive me.

If we could get over these insecurities within us we could rule the world. Ha Ha.

I Wear Black Because I'm..."Blindly In Love With God"

2016-07-28T15:25:00.002-07:00

A couple times in therapy the topic of my choice of clothing has come up. I wear a lot of black. I mean a lot. Pretty much only black. But I know how to put it together. I have many years of experience as a personal shopper. I look appropriate, I promise.

But I prefer to have black on and I prefer for my upper body to be covered. I don't mean headdress and veil, I mean I don't wear sleeveless shirts. I like my upper arms to be covered at all times. My arms have always been an insecurity for me. Even when I was a triathlete and had 11% body fat, I still thought my arms were fat. (That is my own demon) They weren't, and probably aren't now, but I feel that way.

So I prefer shirts that are 3/4 sleeves or right above the elbow and I don't like low necked shirts. That is just me, I have always been that way. I guess the word for it is modest. I don't like shorts, I wear crop pants and I hate jeans! I can't drive that point home anymore than that....I HATE JEANS!!! They are so uncomfortable and confiding.

My pants are 98% of the time black, solid black. If my shirts have a print, it's either stripes or polka dots. Thinking about it I have to laugh at myself, because if you were to look in my closet that is honestly what you'll see...stripes, dots, black, and white. But what does all this mean?

Mike and our therapist seems to think it means something!

But here's my take on it, since it is about me....

I think me wearing black all the time is about feeling humility and growth. It's about humility because I don't want to to be the center of attention anymore. So maybe I feel that wearing black will help me be in the background. Kind of like how hairdressers where black so when they are cutting your hair you're concentrating on your hair and not their outfits. Hairdressers are to be in the background while they are taking care of you by cutting your hair. God Bless Hairdressers.

I believe my place in life now is in the background now. Something changed with me after 1/5/16. When I came back from Heaven, God blessed me with things that people, pastors, and family just doesn't understand. And I have a hard time accepting that. Because I want to be accepted. I am wanting to follow what is socially acceptable. But instead I have decided to completely and blindly following God... Maybe that is reason why I wear black, I feel like I'm "Blindly In Love With God".

The growth part is, I wore pinks and blues when I was a child and in high school. I'm not that person anymore. I really feel that way now. This year I have been through so much, and I believe that I have really grown up. And when that happens it benefits some people in your life and it takes away from others.

What I mean by benefit and take away is that I have grown up in our finances, our relationship, and my emotions. I believe Mike have really seen the value and worth in each other.

We had to revisit the past to see how we got to this point, and it wasn't always fun.

There were, are, & and will be great times. We had to go back to the night we met to realize why we picked each other. That was a turning point for me in therapy.

I remembered why Mike became my "go to guy". I now see us growing old together.

We Don't Trust Each Other & Honestly...We Shouldn't

2016-07-12T14:31:00.006-07:00

First off I would like to thank anyone whom is following me on a regular basis. By my stats it's all 2 of you. So thank you so much. I'm not a writer, as you all can tell by my writings. haha. But I am real, and I do have a story. So thank you for reading my Blog. I do really do appreciate you wanting taking time out and reading something I have to say. It really means a lot to me. God Bless you.

Today in therapy I was served a nice piece of humble pie. Today the tables got turned on me and I was the one doing wrong. I was the one having to defend myself. I feel like Mike has felt this way for the last 15 weeks. It's not a fun position to be in. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to get up from that couch an run out of that room. But I didn't and I'm giving me one point towards "adulthood" for that.

The reason we sought out counselling in the first place is because of me accusing Mike of cheating on me multiple times. It was time we tried this whole "marriage counselling" thing again. We tried once before but our hearts weren't ready to forgive. Or maybe we weren't ready to become adults? This time we told each other that God was going to lead this, not us. So far, we have let Him. Jesus has not let us down. We are healing.

The real problem with our marriage, the one that no one was dealing with, is TRUST. We don't trust each other. I believe there are several reasons for that. Mike and I are surrounded by families that are either divorced or going through a divorce. Mostly because of infidelity. And when you see your friend (the one with the perfect family) going through a divorce due infidelity, it shakes you. I start thinking it could happen to Mike and I.

I feel vulnerable, and that is not a fun feeling. But here's why; Mike has to depend on me not to cheat on him. I have to depend on Mike not to cheat on me. It's a control issue. I'll admit it, I can be humble at time. haha. I can't control Mike and he can't control me. I can only control my Faith that Jesus will watch out over Mike. Jesus will always be my comfort in my life. I have to take Mike to the alter and hand him over to Jesus. I have to stop being his "Holy Spirit". Mike is in control of Mike and vise versa.

Personally I don't blame us for not trusting each other. I look at the way we treat each other with things. He hides making money from me and I hide spending money from him. I hide things in my personal life and he hides his friends from me. We don't trust each other, and honestly...we shouldn't. I'm so ashamed we I look back and see how poorly we treated each other with money! I completely understand why we are the way we are now. I get why we don't trust each other. My thinking was, "well, if Mike can hide money so well from me, what else can he hide?" It's all fear based and it's all the devil.

So today in therapy I had to tell Mike a secret of mine and of course it was on a day that our basement floods, our daughter's car is leaking oil, and Mike was on his own because I had our other daughter at the doctor's office. Oh, our son was sick and jobless and Mike said, "I couldn't even yell at him to get a job because he was sick". Not a good morning for our therapist to tell me I have to tell my husband, that I'm trying to stay married to, that I have a secret. Not a big crazy life changing secret. And not a secret I wish to share...haha So I told him, after about 1 solid minute of stuttering and looking at our therapist for a life vest, that she never threw out. She says, "It's best just to say exactly what it is".

I sat in that room for 40 minutes feeling like how Mike has felt for the last 15 weeks. He told me how he doesn't trust me, and I get it. But he didn't yell, he's not like that. Where I am. I love that about Mike, he is so meek. Meek means a Controlled Strength. How cool is that! That is my Lion. I am amazed how strong my husband is that he was able to take 15 weeks of therapy feeling like I did this last one. I'm learning to trust Mike a little a day. But as the days go on I feel this momentum in my heart opening up to him.

Maybe I fought Mike so hard because he has really nice qualities? Ones I don't have. You know how they say opposites attract? I believe that. I loved Mike because he was calm and strong. And he loved me because I was outgoing and passionate. At the same time I'm loving those qualities about Mike, I'm envious. I'm jealous that being calm doesn't come naturally to me, but Mike's as cool as a cucumber. I'm always wanting what I can't have, even if it is my spouse's personality. haha

By The Blood Of Christ You Are Clean (Forgiven)

2016-07-10T14:41:00.002-07:00

I remember when my biggest fear was my children not wearing their helmets when riding their bikes. Now that they're older the worries have become so much more life changing in terms of my children. For instance, I worry about them drinking and driving, I worry about them experimenting with chemical drugs, I worry about them getting hurt by the hands of someone evil. Those are good worries if I say so myself. Those are worries and fears that every parent in the United States has for their adult or "soon to become adult" children. Am I wrong?!? Nah...I think I'm pretty close to hitting the nail on the head.

But here's the deal...All those worries I just spoke of above are 100% out of my control. Not one of them can I do for my child. I can only hope and pray that while raising our children we were able to be examples to our children not to do those things. That is one thing you, yourself have control of....the way you behave and the things you speak. Our children are always watching Mike and I. They will either mock our parenting behavior or they will rebel against it.

That's why we all need God to be our Guide in life. Parents can't raise a child on their own, we aren't supposed to. We are called to surrender our children to God, and rely on God for guidance to raise decent human beings. But parents and people are not perfect, not even close. Every single one of us has flaws and are sinners, but God loves us anyway! (How cool is that!)

Life is so hard and Jesus is asking us to let Him into our hearts to help us make life easier. Because love is so much easier than hate. Hate takes energy away from what's really important. I couldn't make my children surrender their hearts over to Jesus anymore than I could make my next door neighbor. It is a personal decision. But a very important one and one that can't be put off any longer.

I honestly don't understand why people are so hesitant to become saved, born again, or saying the prayer of salvation. If they understood what peace and calmness it brings to a person I believe people would be leaping over one another to get to the front of the church. I DO! I sometimes think that people if they accept Christ they will go blind or their big toe will fall off. I don't know? I think they think some body part is going to fall off of them and never grow back! HaHa!

A life with Jesus is nothing but AWESOME! I have panic attacks, not bad but I have my "times". I have suffered from 2 really bad panic attacks that sent me to the ER. Those were real bad, well I let them get that way. I feel so bad for people whom suffer with those kinds of attacks multiple times a day. Anxiety is truly horrible.

I think the worst part about panic attacks are you truly think you are having a heart attack, and the EKG says that your heart is fine, and then you feel like a phony because you know you feel like you're dying. So right then is a double whammy! BOOM!!! You are anxious and humiliated at the same time. Panic attacks are fear based. But you all know that. If we could get over the fear then we wouldn't be anxious...DUH!

I'm here to tell you that the fear is the devil and the cure is the Holy Spirit. Jesus died on the Cross for our sins, our family's sin, and for our children's sins. The most important thing right here and right now is to get right with Jesus and accept Him into your heart by acknowledging that He is The One and Only God and that He died on the Cross for Your Sins. Ask Jesus to forgive you for your sins and to help you to know the difference in wrong and right. Ask Jesus to live in your heart, In Jesus's Name, Amen. By the Blood of Christ you are clean (forgiven)

A pastor at our church told me this today, he said, "The devil is a diva, and even when you are rebuking him, you are thinking about him". How brilliant was that! I've been going through some personal things myself and I have been waiting about a month to speak with this pastor, and today was the day. God is Great!

Taking Out The Human in Being "Human Beings"

2016-07-04T09:39:00.004-07:00

You just don't know what is going on in someone's life. Especially in the world today. We base people's lives on a split second picture on Facebook. We think that if a picture shows a family smiling and laughing together then they must always be like that together. Then the devil puts those thoughts in your head of, "why can't my family be like their family"? And you're basing that judgement on that one picture, not knowing what was going on before or after that photo. We have put unrealistic expectations on our lives and can thank social media and the devil for those self depleting thoughts.

I think social media has broken up so many marriages it's unreal. I don't have very many friends, but I can tell you of the couple I do have, social media like Facebook and Snap Chat, have had a hand in the demise in their marriage. And no one seems to pick up on this direct link? I don't get it!?!? If you know you are fighting over social media then delete it! But we are so addicted we would rather kill our marriages then our link to the outside world. What is that saying about us?

We have lost all sense of social skills and would rather "post a comment" and consider that communicating. A post is what we consider a real conversation with a human. We would never even think about calling someone on the phone! Having a real live phone call instead of a text message! That is why I think our marriages and families are falling apart. We have no idea how to speak with people face to face or even over the phone. We don't know how to have a conversation anymore without thinking someone is "taking up my space". We have taken out the human in being a "human beings".

I was trying to have a conversation with Mike the other night and he would NOT put down his phone. It was so frustrating. All he was doing was looking for cars for our daughter. Like a car was going to pop up in the 30 minutes we were talking? I had to tell him a good 4-5 times to put down his phone. Finally he did, but geezzzz! WoW! So that short 30 minute conversation ended up being a lot longer because we kept having to pause for him to put down his phone. His phone is like a security blanket. I tell my daughter that she replaced her thumb for her phone, and I truly believe that. But I'm just as bad when I go to bed. I love playing on my phone before I go to sleep.

Before we can even think about putting our phones and social media down we must first admit there is a problem. And that my friends is going to be a problem. People are addicted to social media and their phones. This has become an epidemic that no one wants to claim. I understand that electronics are helpful, I get that part. It's only when social media is abused. That's when it hurts others. Just like any other drug or addiction. Social media is an addiction that has been abused, and children and families are the victims. Maybe we need to have a SMA (Social Media Anonymous)? If it will keep our families together it needs to start.

Gossip..."Snakes in the Grass, Better Step on the Gas"

2016-07-03T10:53:00.001-07:00

Have you ever been a victim of the dreaded "Gossip Circle"? I think everyone has been once in their life time. I'll tell you it can literally kill someone. I'm going to take it a bit farther. I believe it kills the very people that are the "Gossipers". Honestly, the only reason someone gossips is so they don't have to look at their own life and how miserable it is. If the Gossiper speaks about other's lives and how crappy their lives are then they get to reflect off of their lives and concentrate on others. But this is not in a positive way, it is in a harmful and hurtful way.

But for some reason Gossipers always have people around them. They have tons of "friends". I think there is 2 reasons behind this. One is because they always have the scoop. And people always want to know what is going on. They don't care if it is true or not, it's just "what they heard". People hang around the Gossipers because they are like that "TMZ" TV show, but without the celebrities. It's people they know, which makes it even better. The second reason people hang around the Gossiper is because they want to make sure he/she is not gossiping about them. It's that old saying "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer". This pretty much sums up that whole saying.

So how does one handle being the victim of gossip? Then how does one handle being face to face with the "Gossip Circle"? Let's take the first one...How do you handle being the victim of gossip? First off, it's hurtful and it will break your heart. Because the people you thought were your friends will turn their backs on you and judge you right when you need them the most. So not only do you feel abandoned by your friends, they are all talking about you...to everyone...but you! The Lord said our tongues are wicked and He was right.

So with that, I say you always go to The Lord. Ask God what is true and what is not. Ask God to help you handle this with His Grace. Ask Him what is in your control and what is not. Because sometimes the gossip is not always completely false. I hate to say that, but no one wants to be judged. Gossip is not ever going to be completely true, but there could be a hint of truthiness to it. Maybe there is something you could do better, and maybe not.

God wants us broken. Sometimes being in that "Gossip Circle" and having your friends turn their backs on us is exactly what we need to be broken. That is exactly what we need to get right with God. If those "friends" turn their backs on you in times of need (like mine did) maybe they weren't friends to begin with, and you really aren't out anything. They are really just doing you a favor by stepping out of your life now?!?! No one needs or deserves people like that.

How should you handle yourself when you are faced with being asked to partake in a "Gossip Circle"? This is what I have done and still do. When I worked I was confronted with this woman who just had it out for this other younger lady. So one day the older woman decided to tell me how the younger lady allegedly went out with this other man at work (a single guy) and blah blah blah. No big deal, especially to this married older woman. So I told this older woman, "I'm going to ask "so and so" if this is true". The older woman didn't know what to do. But I did. It caused a bit of a commotion. But so did the gossip!!! I was never asked to be part of her "Gossip Circle" again and the older woman had this unspoken respect for me. I just won't allow it in my presence and it was known.

I don't have many friends. I have one true friend (outside of my family), I used to have lots of friends. But I don't find comfort in numbers. I find comfort in quality. I have been friends with my 1 friend for almost 20 years and we are always there for each other. We don't judge each other and I can honestly say she is my sister in Christ. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. But my family is first in my life. I believe that blood is first and foremost.

"Snakes in the Grass, Better Step on The Gas"

I Can't Keep Up With Him, But I Can Take Care Of Him

2016-06-24T12:38:00.001-07:00

My husband works like a dog. I mean I honestly think he works in his dreams. And it makes me feel so guilty because I don't have that same energy or drive to keep up with him. But I don't think I'm supposed to. I believe that is the way that God designed us. Men are supposed to have all this energy to care for their families, we now call it ADHD. Women are to be calm in taking care of their family at home. I know that I have written about this before, but I believe so strongly about this.

Mike is on vacation this week. And his "vacation" is doing side jobs in 100+ degree weather. And I can't thank him enough for it. He's taking care of his family this way. I bring in money every month also, so before you tell me to get a job....there is a reason for this....

Back in February, 2011 I fell on the ice backwards in our driveway. Mike and I were fighting over who was going to go get the mail. It was better that I fell than him because he is the "bread winner" of the family. I was working full time at the time as a freight broker and I loved my job...Loved it! But that fall that evening caused my brain to jar loose and hit the back of my skull. Which caused me to suffer a massive concussion, 3 days of amnesia, and finally on the 4th day I woke up with the worst headache ever. Mike took me to the ER for scans, no bleeds thank God. But that is when I started loosing the ability to walk, talk, and my short term memory. I had to go through physical therapy and occupational therapy. Then about 10 days after my accident I was laid off, I got that call during one of my physical therapy sessions. I had to keep a notebook with me at all times to write down my daily chores and check them off after I did them. For example, showering. I would forget if I did it otherwise. This went on for over a year.
Let me tell you what kind of support I felt I was getting from my husband at the time of all this. NONE! This is when we were in "that house" and living separate lives under one roof. We were just going through the motions of a marriage. But inside we were each dying to be loved by the other. He didn't understand what happened to me. I can't even image what Mike went through to go from having a wife that was the "Life of the Party" to having one that could hardly speak or walked funny. Then when I looked fine on the outside, the inside was not working. I felt Mike didn't understand. Maybe he was hurting also? I felt very pushed by him to go get a job again. But I couldn't, my brain didn't work like it used to. It still doesn't. But that isn't to say it doesn't work better in different ways. So now I'm disabled. I have worked little part time jobs, and am currently looking to start that up again.
BUT! If that accident were to happen now (with the way our marriage is now) I know the communication and support would be so different. I want to think that we would take care of each other instead of taking care of ourselves. Mike is not the person he was 6 years ago. And I know I'm not that person I was back then....haha. But I back to my main point....

Men are supposed to have ADHD! Thank God they do! Those ADHD boys are ones that grow up to become men that are the best providers. I find it is mostly the single moms that are trying to drug their little boys with legal meth...adderall. It scares me to think how passive and lazy our drugged up boys will grow up to become. But parents don't care because they don't "have to entertain" their children.

I can't keep up with Mike but I can make sure that he is fed and his clothes are clean. When I get to take care of Mike the way that God intended for me to...we have a balance. But Mike sometimes has a hard time with this. He is the one who wants me to go out and get a job. But I love cooking, cleaning, and caring for my family. And when I do work outside my house my family falls apart. And I Do bring in money, but not enough for the way that we are living. So we have to make some decisions. But in my defense...even if we lived "within our means" Mike would still do side jobs and work like a dog. That is just him and that is what I love about him. And I know he loves me staying home (I've done it for 22 years). I think total I worked maybe 2-3 years full time and it was hard and Mike was in school full time so he was home. It was always so important to Mike and I that our children stay out of daycare. And they did! Praise God!

Dear Lion, You Are My Strength

2016-06-15T14:56:00.003-07:00

Dear Lion,

I wanted to write you this letter to let you know publicly how much I love you. You are an amazing man and yesterday in therapy I think we saw each other for the first time in a long time. Today I have been in prayer asking God where did our marriage make that turn to start falling apart. And I think I know where. It was when we bought our last house. That was such a mistake and I now finally understand when you say that you work so hard to give me the things I want.

I feel like I have been such a hypocrite. We fight about money and you spending too much time away working. And then you come back and say it the "working like crazy" is for me. "To keep me accustomed to the way I'm used to living." And then I would come back and say I have never asked for anything....and blah, blah, blah. Then it escalates and no one is listening to the other and I get "Big" and you go "Small".

Let me start by saying, "I am so sorry"! I might not have said I wanted those things I do believe I "wanted" that house. I do believe I said we had to have it because of our growing family. And I believe that was the start of our demise. Of course good things happened in that house, but so many bad things happened. It was just a really hard time for us.

I'm so sorry for pushing and/or making you feel pushed into getting that house. It was a mistake, we both made it though. (I believe that would be the only "rewind button" I would push in my life) You had to have felt so much pressure in your life, both at work and at home. Then I started doing my sports and ignoring you. I had a hard time balancing family time and sport/race time. But you weren't a good role model for me then. You always picked work over us. So I took your lead and picked racing. Even though every time I was away from my family racing, all I wanted was to have you there. It wasn't fun racing and training by myself or with others. We started that you have your friends and I have mine. Completely separate lives.

I don't want to be the "Life of the Party" anymore. I was giving people my energy that didn't deserve it. I know that sounds ugly, but I grew up. I'm very picky about who I bring into my life. Maybe because I've been burned, maybe because the trials our family goes through, seems like on a monthly basis. It's almost embarrassing. But look at you.... you don't need me to be the "Life of the Party". You have completely come out of your shell. You can totally hold a room...you really don't need me to do it for you anymore. I just wish you knew that. You are my Lion! You are my Strength!

We both won and we are both one. Get it?!? You "hunted" me down 28 years ago, but I also got the King of the pride. Remember that! I love you so much and I'm so excited to see just BE in this moment right now with you.

HE IS HELPING ME MAKE IT RIGHT!

2016-05-10T08:36:00.004-07:00

Sometimes in order to move forward you must go back. I don't mean live in the past I mean really try to see how your decisions impacted the lives of others. I seem to be on that kick right now. I don't know why, maybe I am going to die soon, or maybe it simply means I'm just growing up and getting real close to God. I tend to go with the real negative first like dying, but that is just me. I have to work on that, my daughter points that out to me all the time.

I wish I could parent like this when I was younger. I am a "grown up parent" now. I could just kick myself for that. But to be a parent it takes 2 people. And Mike and I were not in the place we are now. We were too wounded and trying to control our own environments. We were too self involved to understand that we were hurting our children. And our children had to suffer, not that they were beaten and abused. They were never asked "WHY" they were acting out, instead they were just punished. And it was so important for Mike and I to be right as "parents" that we forgot that our children were people too.

Our house was one big power struggle. That is how I would say our environment was, but we still loved each other like crazy. I stayed home and was there, but not present. I was always distracted. I used to be a triathlete and after that ended I got sick. It took years for me to recover. I would go to the hospital all the time. The kids would come home from school not knowing if I was going to be home or if Grandma was going to be there. There was never a constant in our house.

No one really ever knew their role. There was always a fear based feeling lingering around. We really didn't want to step up and be the parents, completely. We only parent single-handedly, so our wisdom was never meshed together. I could only parent as much as I was raised with, and same with him. We never came together to be a team in this parenting thing. If we weren't so mad at each other (without even knowing it) we could have had the household we have now.

I could dwell on that, because that is where the devil wants me. But instead I'm going to praise God for what I have here and now!!! I asked God to forgive me for my sins of the past. I have handed over each sin to Jesus who is hanging on the cross just to take on those sins. That is the whole reason Jesus die on the cross! Jesus wants us to hand over our sins to Him while He is on the Cross so we don't have to be burdened with them anymore.

I have asked The Holy Spirit to help me make it right with my family. And you know what?!?! HE IS!! HE IS HELPING ME MAKE IT RIGHT!!! I am still in the process of making it right with each one of my children. I have a lot of things to make right and own. It's humbling and humiliating, and at the same time freeing for everyone involved. But I just give that to God. Love comes through, and you just feel God's Love healing through the humble words you are speaking to your loved one. God is almighty and the mighty Healer. He wants my family healed, so I'm letting Him lead me....

Who's Really The Babysitter?

2016-05-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

I was outside and along comes a beautiful little yellow sparrow with just a touch of black markings on its back. It made me wonder what God was thinking when He created that little guy. What was the meaning of this little yellow sparrow?!?! Or what was God thinking about when He created birds in general? Why in the world I would I even be thinking about this? I have no idea, but before the little birdie showed up I was thinking about the sermon I listened to yesterday.

I want to start by saying I love the church we have been going to for over 5 years. But I see a shift. The church is growing, and growing fast, and I would hate to see our pastor fall from grace. It happened with the church we went to before this one. But that is not what this is about. This is about how birds are "animals" but they cannot be mistaken for any other animal out there. A bird can't be mistaken for a monkey. So why did God make it that way?

The sparrow is a protector, and the color yellow is hope and joy. I will take that! So I looked even more into what the Bible says about birds. All throughout the Bible birds were part of miracles. They were used as teaching tools, along with sacrifices to God, and God even fed His people with quail. Even though He didn't want to.

God wanted to keep His people vegetarians. Israel lived a long time in Egypt and they were eating their food. And that meant Unholy meat. God provided a miracle by providing manna. It was a "bread" and it fell from the sky everyday to provide food for His people. It wasn't enough because of their time as slaves in Egypt and they wanted "meat". So God provided, reluctantly, the least harmful meat. And you know what that was? It was quail! That is a bird! Moses, with love and frustration told them,
"Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you today" (Ex. 14:13).

I like the idea of how in some species of birds the mates stay together forever. There is no such thing as divorce. But there is such thing as a cat, unfortunately. But both the male and female bird take care of their babies until they leave the nest. I think our "species" can learn a thing or two from the birds! Each bird knows their responsibility and does it, because if one doesn't their babies will die. I think a part of our children die with divorce, infidelity of parents, alcoholism, addictions, gossipers, and so on. We need to give our children enough to help them survive but not over do it and not under do it. There is a happy medium. It starts with respect.

It also happens when families allow the parents to get their proper roles back. Moms need to be home with their children. Their children will never get the love they need from a stranger...and I don't care if you know the babysitter! It's not YOU!!! A baby, A Child, A Teenager....needs a parent home taking care of them. Children learn manners and responsibility from their parents. And being a parent for 2-3 hours in the evening is not BEING A PARENT! YOU ARE THE BABYSITTER!!! Sorry! But it's true!

Dads need to step up and take care of their families. You don't always "Love" your wife, but you made that commitment to God that said forever. People are so lost now, it makes me sad. When we can take lessons from a bird on how to be a family and be responsible then there is something wrong. Or maybe that is exactly what we need to do!

Maybe we need to look at the mighty eagle. I'm going to leave you with Deuteronomy 32:11-12 the Lord is compared to and eagle. That is a very powerful statement! I want to be an eagle! Don't you?

11“Like an eagle that stirs up its nest,
         That hovers over its young,
         He spread His wings and caught them,
         He carried them on His pinions.

12“The LORD alone guided him,
And there was no foreign god with him.

Calmness Creates Chaos

2016-04-26T14:40:00.003-07:00

It's been awhile since I've posted. It isn't because I don't have anything to say. Just the opposite actually. It's because my youngest daughter overdosed. It was a suicide attempt by overdosing on my anxiety pills. Luckily for us I'm on Hydroxozine, which is basically Bendryal, and she was unable to overdose on that particular drug.

This has been a much awakening in our family. It was painful leading up to it, and it was devastating going through it, but we have felt comfort in our healing through God. The healing that Mike and I have experienced and are still experiencing through God and therapy is creating a calmness among my family. And within this new calmness a chaos has developed within our children. I don't want to say that our house was full of fighting and hate, it wasn't. We love each other, and are very close to one another. But there was a lack of respect for one another on everyone's part. But it starts with Mike and I. And that respect wasn't there, and I would say that we just started respecting each other.

Our precious daughter has a hard taking responsibility for her actions. But I believe that is because she was taking the blame for everything that was going wrong in the house. Then, if she had to add her wrongs too....she would overload. And when Mike and I started "owning our sh$!" she didn't know where she stood in the family. So she felt lost and un-needed, or worse unwanted. And that just breaks my heart knowing that a person that I love so much would ever feel that way.

The TRUTH is, she is a child of God. And she is Flawless no matter how "dirty" she may feel. She is only responsible for herself. When we pray to God we don't ask God to forgive someone else's sins! NO! We ask God to forgive us for our own sins. You are only responsible for yourself, your actions, and your words. Angry is not a great place to get stuck, but we choose to stay there. If we can choose that then can we choose to be happy? I think so!

I would like to thank Mike for leading our family through this tough time. I have thanked him and told him so many times how proud I am of him. You are a true Godly man and one of those rare strong family leader! I'm truly blessed that God led you to me. I love watching you minister to others and to me. When we pray together I feel indivisible, which I know we are. I will love you forever ever and always.

So What If You're Like You're Parent?

2016-04-12T15:14:00.002-07:00

So when I started this Blog I stated that I was going to be "raw" and real. It has been real easy to reveal Mike's short comings, but not mine. If I look back I have wrote about what we have discovered about Mike. That is not saying that we have done wonders in our marriage just learning about him. He is an amazing man, and I'm so blessed to me married to him.

I'm at a place in our marriage that I can say, "I'm so blessed to me married to him" and truly know what that means...and believe it! I KNOW that I'm blessed to be married to Mike. He has never quit on us, through all the addictions we fought, the losses we have had, and still he's able provide for us. That is his love language, service. And even though mine is touch, I have to stop being so selfish and childish to see his way of loving me. Because if I do, I would see his working almost 7 days a week is his way of showing the amount of love he has for me. What a dummy I have been!

Mike breaking his back to provide for us is his way of "loving" me. Where he went wrong was his unwillingness or inability to learn my love language. But instead of taking time learning it, he kept busy with working to provide. Then he became bitter because he felt like an outsider in his family. Then I would get mad because he was gone providing, so I would continue to keep him out of family decisions. It was and can still be a vicious cycle. It is real!

We all come with some baggage from our past to the marriage. It's a sure thing! What we need to do is figure out which parent you take after. We need to accept it (whether you like that parent or not) and fix what you didn't like and enhance what you did. I finally figured out I'm like my Dad. That means I can be my "Angry Dad" too. I would get explosive mad like my Dad. I would yell and I could go from 0 to 100 in anger in no time. It had to be a scary thing to see. I know it was when I saw my Dad do it when I was little.

I had a lot of fun growing up in Youngstown, OH. But I was sort of afraid of my Dad. He had a bit of a temper. My Dad would be nice for awhile and then something would go wrong and he would explode. We would be getting along for a couple of days or so but I would always have my guard up. I knew he was going to turn on me at any minute. I knew that the good times wouldn't last, and that always made me sad. When he would come home on Thursdays from traveling all week, if the ice cubes weren't made he would be pissed. If the stereo in the dining room was too loud I would catch a beating.

I asked my parents about the fighting and they blamed me for it. They said it was because I was mouthy. They said I probably deserved it. Right then I had to make a choice to forgive them because the anger from the past was only hurting me. I love them, and they didn't know any better. When they were raising me they were freaking out. Because my oldest sister went down a dark path, and they connected me getting mouthy with my sister's antics. Honestly, I believe it was PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). They were worried I was going down the same path my sister went down. And that would simply destroy my Mom & Dad. So if I choose to look at the past fighting as "miss directed wrong kind of discipline" then it's not so scary. And they are back to my loving parents.

It took me a long time to figure out I act out like my "Angry Dad" when I'm mad. The one thing that I didn't want to happen. The one thing I didn't want to be. The one thing I would never want MY children to experience. The one piece of baggage I would never want for my children to carry. I have created it in my household. To realize this was not the best of days. It's such a disgusting self feeling and there is no soap that can wash away that funk! But I do know that the feeling that my family has when I act like "Angry Dad" is 1,000x worst.

Boy was I humbled! But the great thing about being humbled is...that is when God can do His best work. That is when God can get in the nook and cracks and really heal. Because think about the word humble and the opposite of it...proud. When you hear the word proud you think "straight up, strong, tall, mighty" and don't leave out, no cracks. Or at least they don't think there are...because they are proud. Now think of the word humble...think of a bowl of oatmeal. And now think about how the brown sugar melts on it. How it can get in the nooks and cracks of the oatmeal. That is humble.

I have since made it right with my older children. I've apologized for my behavior and explained them how completely wrong I was. I have made a choice not to be that person anymore. I don't want to be out of control of my emotions, ever. I don't want to cause another person feel bad about themselves. I am choosing not to be that person. I don't want my children to come to me and ask me why I hurt them and then me blame it on them. I want to own what actions are mine.

Some say the "it was your fault" thinking is due to a "different generation". But I don't believe that at all. Are you telling me that I love my child differently than a woman whom gave birth (the same way I did!) back in the 1920's? No I don't believe that one bit! I believe that we love our children the way we wished our parent's loved us. So for example, when I was growing up my parents really weren't into my love life. Which made room for bad boyfriends in my young life. But I'm totally into both my daughter's love lives. I'm so afraid they will make the same mistakes I have. So yeah, "Different Generation" nah, just learning how to love a little better with each generation maybe?

What Does Peace Look Like To You?

2016-04-05T16:41:00.004-07:00

At Peace! What does that mean to you? I have been in therapy with a couple of different therapists until I found Darrell. When I went to him I decided to "get my money's worth" out of therapy this time. I was going to just be myself and let the chips fall where they may. Honestly, I don't know if it was me deciding that or if Darrell is really good at tricking me. So I'm going to just chalk this one up to me. haha

I remember in one of my very first sessions with Darrell he asked me what I desire most. I answered, Peace. He asked me what Peace looked like. I had no ideal! All I knew it was a word attached to a feeling that I wanted. So we explored that more and it took months for me to find out what Peace meant to me. But I know now.

Today our 17 year old dog, Boo, is dying. I don't have the courage to take him to the vet and put him down. Plus, he's not in pain, he's just really old. And for the last 3 days he hasn't been eating and today I just know that he is slipping. So I have decided to care for him at home. I have wrapped him up and held him none stop. I'm praying over him and talking to him. I feel like he is part of our family and I don't have the right to choose when he dies so I'll just make him comfortable.

Boo and I were outside on the back porch and I'm praying over him and I asked God just please take him. Please give me Peace, Holy Spirit. Just then a peace over came me like you can only explain like relief. Like that feeling of grasping something too tight and not realizing it. Then loosing up your grip only to find your knuckles to almost throb from the blood pumping back into them. Then giving yourself that chuckle of "why was I gripping so tight?" chuckle. You know the one!

That relief feeling when the Holy Spirit sends Peace to you can be explained like when you make your face turn red and then release it and you can breath again. And that calm feeling of oxygen flows throw your body. That is what the Holy Spirit is, that is what He provides...Oxygen to your Soul!

I used to go to my imaginary safe spot in therapy which was the woods. Now I don't have to rely on myself to go to the woods in my mind. My safe spot and Peaceful feeling doesn't have to be me working on it, all I have to do now is ask for the Holy Spirit to "Give me Peace, In Jesus's Name, Amen." And instantaneously, I will be at the peace that I have so longed for.

So when I think about the question now, "what does peace look like to me?" I looks like me bowing my head in the middle of a tornado and asking the Holy Spirit to protect me and give me peace. And I WILL be protected and given that peace I need at that time.

Jesus sent the Holy Spirit down here on Earth to help us with our everyday lives. Sure Jesus is with us, but why not ask on Someone Whom is closer. It's like having a Supervisor and an Executive. If you are a Customer Service Rep. who are you going to go for with questions about your job for immediate answers? Not the Executive that really has no idea how to answer phones on the daily. You're going to ask your Supervisor. I'm not saying that Jesus is above the Holy Spirit He's not, but I am saying this to try to explain the lines of communication

All Three; Father, Son, and Holy Ghost make up the Trinity and therefore are all God. It's like multiplying 1x1x1=1 instead of adding 1+1+1=3

Dedicated to Boo Bear, You will always be in our hearts and noses. We love you!

Three Steps to Fighting Fair in a Broken Marriage.

2016-03-26T20:11:00.002-07:00

Let me just tell you where anxiety begins. It begins with one trying to control another person or their environment. And failing at not only controlling that but also controlling themselves. That is where fear comes into play which causes anxiety.

So in not being able to control the people around oneself, and not accepting the fact that you can't control the future relationships break down. People get panic attacks and start to blame others for the attacks. Sometimes people whom are the control freaks also like to control the emotional state of others too. The control freak has to have control of someone in some aspect of their inner circle's lives. It is that desire to have that control that causes anxiety. Those control freak people are really fear based hurt children inside.

I am an anxious person. I suffer from panic attacks and I know the struggle of fear. Personally, I can't think about the future. When Mike and I have a disagreement, I do my best to keep my mind focused on the problem at hand. This is an example of guidelines Mike and I follow when we have a disagreement;

1. Take a time out. Right away don't say anything if you are hot headed and don't retreat into your shell if you are introverted. But things are toxic to a relationship. There is a happy medium. Mike is introverted and I can have a wicked tongue. I know now that Mike has to think about things before he says them to me because he doesn't want to hurt me. And also, he has said somethings off the cuff that have bit him on the ass with me. So he has learned to be cautious with me. So I'm a product of my own environment and I don't like what I have created. But it's my own fault.
So take some time apart before you start to discuss a conflict. Start thinking if this is the, "Hill you want to die on". This will give you time to put yourself in your mate's place, and really try to see things from their point of view. If you truly loved them you would be able to do that even if you are mad. But before you take that time away establish that you are taking that time because you need some time to think. It's OK to tell your spouse that they hurt your feelings and you need to go process it. The other spouse needs to be aware that they upset the other. It is imperative that the spouses acknowledge each other's feelings. It is also important to go back after the time out and talk about it.

2. Only own your own feelings. You can only claim what is yours. And your feelings are your own. You are responsible for your feelings and your actions & reactions. No one else can say, "Oh I am the one that threw Patty's punch that hit Johnny's face". When Mike and I talk about our feelings I try to explain without threatening. I tell him this is what happened and this is how I reacted and why. I don't know if it was right or not. I ask him what is his side, then somewhere in the middle we find the truth. Or at least what we decide to be the truth.
When no one is blaming each other for hurting each other, only then we get to heal. When one spouse is trying to control the other by making the other apologize or "take responsibility" for something they don't care to, that will only cause anxiety to the person thinking they were wronged. Some seek to control others by telling them they should feel remorse. That is not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about seeing the "2-sides" to every story. Grow up and be responsible for your feelings and then be respectful of each other's feelings.

3. Don't talk about the past or the future. When we bring up the past or the future we find our voices start to escalate. We don't even know why. The noise will actually make us stop and take a breath. We know that we don't want to be that out of control fighting couple. We know that we are capable of talking out our feeling because we are learning how to and we truly care about each other.
What I find wild is that when our voices are loud and we are beginning to "go there". We are usually fighting about either the past or the future. Both things we have no control over. When we pull it bad to the task at hand, those angry feeling go away and the disagreement is solved. BOOM, done. There is no room for the past or the future in a marriage.

How My Marriage Survived "The Change Of Life"

2016-03-25T17:56:00.004-07:00

How can people believe that there is a hell and not a heaven? I wrote about this earlier, about how there are always 2 sides to everything. There is good with evil, white with black, yin with yang. You can't have a good day without having a bad day first. Otherwise how would you know that you were having a good day?

Same goes true with marriage. You can't always have a good marriage. We are going to struggle and sometimes fail. But that doesn't have to mean throwing in the towel. That just means it's time to reconnect on a different level. As humans we are always evolving and growing as people. That means our spiritual journey and life will change also and sometimes our mates are not always on board. Sometimes we leave them fending for themselves and that isn't fair to them at all.

As their spouse we are to have Grace and take them by the hand and help them along in this journey called "Life". As a married couple we are to grow together and experience the changes in life together. I had this fantasy when we first got married that we where going to experience every single life changing moment together. That Mike and I were going to be this "Power Couple" and we were going to be shielded off from the world. In my mind no one or thing could ever penetrate our love for each other.

There were so many wrong things with that picture. First off, I was only relying on our love for each other to get us through life. I never even thought about making God the center of our marriage, even though we went to church every so often. We weren't committed to God anymore than we were committed to each other. We were just going through the motions of our faith and our marriage. But in the last year or so I would say that God has gotten real with us.

The difference in what we are going through now compared to what we have gone through in the past is we are allowing God to heal us first. We are allowing God to do His work first before we will react to each other. This isn't a behavior that is learned overnight, this is something that Mike and I have really had to work on. We have to be conscious of our behaviors, words, and actions. The way I do that, I have asked God to give me comfort with with all the things I just stated. He helps me! I ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me up and make me feel at peace. I ask for discernment about situations and you know what...HE GIVES IT!

I was so young to think that the world would stay out of my bubble. Of course people and life would penetrate our world. I think that stuff tries to get in the way of marriages and things important to God just to destroy it. But Mike has a strong faith in God and in me and he has keep us together. I tried many times to throw in the towel, but he won't do it. That shows me he loves me. Even though life happened to us doesn't mean we have to give up our lives to it. Mike and I are yoked with Jesus, and no world or devil will ever be able to penetrate our bond. That's not saying that they won't try. They'll try. But Mike and I will have the tools we are learning in therapy and of course the our number 1 go to, the place we go first, our Alpha and Omega...The Lord!

On A Mission From God!

2016-03-23T11:26:00.001-07:00

Do you ever notice how your relationship with God can be a come and go thing? At least mine is at times. I hate it when I allow "life" to get in the way of my priority with God. And I know that God has plans for me. He has shown them to me but I'm scared. That's right, I'm not afraid to say it.

I know what I'm to do for God, but I'm afraid to do it. He has been training me for it, and now He has shown me. God can't get much clearer than He already has, but I'm frozen in fear. I know that fear is the devil working, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to get up and move. I'm struggling with, "What happens if I am a success?" Then people will depend on me and what happens if I let them down? I am so afraid of that responsibility!

I have seen people do things in the "Name of the Lord" and hurt many people along the way. I personally have been let down by many people who stated that they were led by the Lord to help me. But that is me putting my trust in man and not in God. And that is exactly what we are not to do. We are to rely on God and not man for our comfort and direction. Sometimes we get that confused. For example, a Pastor deceives his congregation. Some may blame God and not the Pastor. They'll say that we are "bitter" towards the church because of what a pastor may have done. That's putting your faith and trust in a man (the pastor) and not in God.

In order for me to do what God wants me to do I would have to change my life. I would have to put others before the troubles in my life. I don't know if my family could handle that. But maybe that is exactly what they need. I can't continue to debate about this, because I believe it is urgent that I do what God wants me to do. I'm on a mission from God!

The Change Starts With Me

2016-03-19T18:14:00.002-07:00

We currently had our Spring Break this last week. I went away with our 2 youngest children to Colorado. I'm located in Kansas City. I took this week away from my marriage to do some self reflection and to figure some things out. And I have to say that, if you allow quiet time with God He will never let you down. God is the best therapist and will reveal things to you about you if you just open your heart, ears, and mind to Him. But you will have to slow down your thinking to hear Him.

I personally have many "conversations" with The Lord. I have them when I'm cooking, cleaning, or even driving. This week in particular, allowed me to slow down and pray to my Lord. I needed Him to guide me through this struggle I'm having within myself.

I keep saying how we are only responsible for our own actions, and now it was time for me to eat my words. Mike and I do not have a healthy way of fighting. We are still trying to figure out what we are doing wrong when we fight, but not willing to take responsibility for our actions during the fights.

Here's How We Fight:

I get upset about something, Mike blows me off, I get mad, Mike blows me off again, because I'm getting aggressive and inside it's making him uncomfortable. This makes me more mad and then completely blow up. And then word vomit comes up. I say stupid horrible things I really don't mean, but say it anyway. I will say anything at this point, because I'm searching for some sort of reaction from him. I need to know that he is engaged in this conversation (or marriage for that matter). These fights bring up those feelings of fear, anxiousness, hopelessness, and doom. These are the fights that go on for days and our feelings get rubbed so raw I swear they are bleeding.

What God revealed to me was that I can't behave like that anymore. I have to be responsible for MY behavior. Since we have been in therapy I have found out that Mike "retreats" when I yell because of some personal issues he has. So if I loved him why would I continue to yell at him? I'm not going to yell anymore! I'm going to be responsible for myself and I don't like who I am when I get out of control like that. I wouldn't want him yelling at me like that so why would I do that to him? NO MORE!

I have apologized to Mike so much. I have told to Mike how God explained to me that if I were to change places with Mike and he was me, how would I feel? I'm here to tell you the answer was not good. I was humiliated. I have not been nice to Mike! I have been this loud, out-of-control, yelling wife that he really doesn't like. Why would he? I wouldn't either! So here I am writing how I want him to change...blah blah blah. The change needs to start with me!

I am only responsible for myself, my choices, and my changes. If Mike wants to change that is up to him. But after we talked about this, and I have owned my behavior, things are changing. I believe we are going to make it. But it is going to be hard work. Mike said that he is all in, I believe him...for the first time...I Trust Him.

The Fruits Of Our Labors

2016-03-10T12:08:00.003-08:00

Oh my gosh was today ever so hard! We went to counselling today and it was painful. Just down right painful and raw. Our therapist said that we will be doing 40% of the work in the office and 60% at home. I think it's more like 20:80.

We're only in that room for 1 hour. Just enough time to itch the "scab". Just enough time to make you aware that the wound was starting to heal. And you know when wounds start to heal they are uncomfortable. A wound will itch, flake, and sometimes catch on clothes. At times they'll bleed again. But no worries, that exposed opening will heal up over time. That is exactly what Mike and I are going through. We are wounded and every time we go to therapy we just irritate those wounds. We make each other cry and then we help each other heal. That is our 20:80

So today I had it. I feel so vulnerable and that is not a feeling I'm used to. I am so scared to completely love Mike again, only to be hurt again. The way Mike and I fight is; we go right from "I'm mad" to "I want a divorce". There is no gray area. There never has been. So my fear is that if I let my guard down with Mike and I get hurt again then we are going to have to do this whole song and dance with the "divorce" word. Because we have no in-between. It's all or nothing. We just realized after 28 years of being together with 24 of them being married. There is a gray area in fighting, we just didn't know about it.

Mike has always told me that he can "cut people off" if they do something that he doesn't agree with. That has always frightened me. Because in my head, that means that he can cut me off also. And I don't want to be "abandoned" by the man I love so much. And he says he loves me too. But if he says that he loves me in one sentence how come he always says "if you do this or that I'm out of here". I hate it. He always says that if me or the kids, let's say do drugs or become a democrat, he will say he will leave. It might sound harmless, but I heard it a lot. It made me think my marriage was not solid. And my husband can leave me at anytime, even though he hasn't, he says he can. It's not a fun place to be, even though I didn't know I was there. It was just a way of life.

But in Mike's defense, he grew up with that. He grew up with his father saying to his mother, "If you don't like it there's the door." And I just found that out...today! And his father grew up with his father doing the same crap to him. Only Mike's Grandfather added cheater to his resume. And I guess Mike's Dad would catch his Dad (Mike's Grandfather) cheating. The Grandfather would give him "hush money". So we raise our children with the crap that our parents were raised with. It's a horrible cycle. But it's a real one.

If Mike was going to leave me he would have. That phrase means nothing to him, he was raised with it. The same goes for him. I know I say stuff that bothers him that I was raised with. He had no idea how much it scared me inside. First off, I never told him. I could have put my "big girl pants" on and said how that makes me feel. But instead I chose to live in fear. That my friends is the work of the devil. Fear is the work of the devil, and I was full of fear and still have a little bit.

I don't want anyone to think that Mike is this big jerk, because he's not! He's has stayed wit me and put up with a lot over the years. I will never know how to repay him for that. We each bring our own issues to this marriage. And our 24 years of marriage have been full of chaos. Now it's time to let Go and Let God. And that is just what we are doing, and we are Seeing The Fruits Of Our Labors.