Making Me Mom

The Pregnancy Club

2012-02-22T09:24:00.000-08:00

Before my friend miscarried, she pointed out that she could already tell there is a "pregnancy club" that she has become a part of since becoming pregnant. You know, the special hugs, the swapping of pregnancy stories, the symptom talk, etc. among other women. And when she said that, she said she got a glimpse about how hard it was for me for these past few years being "excluded" from The Club.

But now....well, now I am a bona fide member. I guess it happened when I conceived, but it certainly didn't feel like I was a member then. I had such a long way to go through the first trimester, and even then it took longer for my head and my heart to catch up and actually comprehend that I was pregnant. So I think it has been a gradual process to actually count myself as pregnant, and a legitimate member of The Club.

However, I also still resent The Pregnancy Club. I can still feel the pain of being an outsider in the club, and I hate that my friend who miscarried is now an outsider looking in with pain and longing, too. In The Club's defense, I know it is not a formal group and that women don't intentionally seek to exclude others....but sometimes the members do lack compassion and common sense about how to talk to others inside and outside The Club.

Even though I am a member, I find myself resisting membership at times. This weekend I went on a Girl's Weekend getaway with a group of eight friends, and had a wonderful time. But I was amazed at just how much pregnancy, baby, and kid talk occurred over the weekend...it's like you get women together that is the main topic of conversation. And on some level, I enjoyed the opportunity to talk about my pregnancy - it is such a joy to me that I DO want to talk about it a lot - but, I also shied away from talking about it and found myself trying to change the subject. My friend who miscarried was there, as well as two single friends who would also love to be married and become mothers....my heart hurt for theirs.

Another example is that a group I met with weekly in college to pray together is pregnant - all five of us (well, the first one just had her baby a few weeks ago). January, March, May, mid-June (me) and late June. I only keep in close touch with a couple of them, but it is pretty neat that we are all having babies. However, one of my friends keeps sending emails with things like, "I can't believe we are all pregnant! What made us all drink the water? Was it turning thirty?" over and over....and I just don't feel like I am part of that. I didn't drink the water - I had been trying to drink it for almost 4 years - but this is simply God's timing in my life. Maybe the rest of them turned thirty and decided to go for it...but I resist her grouping me together with them.

And then there is this blog. I don't think I have written about this tension here, and perhaps some of you have resented that I jumped into The Pregnancy Club so quickly and easily. And despite the examples I listed above, once I gradually understood that I am indeed pregnant, I did become a member to some degree. I still experience the tension and remember the pain, but I also wanted to let go of that and enjoy this pregnancy to its fullest. I have a profound sense of what a brief but amazing gift this pregnancy is, and I did make a conscious choice to thank God by experiencing the joy of it. I didn't want to spend these nine months clenching onto pain, jealousy, and all the other negative feelings that came with infertility. I also wonder if it was a little easier for me to "join" because I had already somewhat removed myself from infertility - and had accepted never being pregnant - by moving towards adoption. I had already experienced much healing and was feeling much joy about adoption when I had gotten pregnant, rather than in a "last ditch" IVF cycle or something.

Either way, I know we all experience infertility differently, and we will all experience pregnancy after infertility differently. To those of you who are able, thank you for sharing in this joyful season with me. And to those of you who are unable, I completely understand and pray your joyful season is just around the corner.

{23 weeks)

2012-02-17T12:16:00.000-08:00

23 weeks

Size of baby: mango (approx. 11.5" and 1.1 lbs.)

Total Weight Gain: +14 lbs
Continuing symptoms: Round ligament pain, slight nose congestion, back ache if I stand too long
New symptoms this week: None - I'm feeling pretty good!
Maternity Clothes: I think I am at the stage where I can wear all of my maternity clothes and look good in them - the cute little bump. :)

Sleep: I slept well this week and am feeling pretty comfortable.
What I'm Eating: I felt a little hungrier this week like my appetite has increased.
Cravings: I haven't had any yet but I would really like some dill pickles (I know this is a classic pregnancy craving, but I always like pickles...)
Movement:I have nothing to compare it to, but this boy seems active! I feel like he is moving all the time, especially at night before bed. Last night I was trying to "spoon" with my husband (it's a little hard with the belly but still half do-able), and he felt our boy move on his back! Ha!

Special pregnancy moments: I am getting a lot of stranger comments now! I am trying to make my infertility journey into a book or PDF (just for myself - not to be published or anything!), and skimmed through the last 3 years of my blog...and was so thankful at God's faithfulness throughout! And knowing that our boy is the "end" of that story filled me with such joy!

On names

2012-02-14T00:25:00.001-08:00

I think we have chosen the name for our son!

However, the process to deciding on that name was much more complicated than I had expected. You see, when my husband and I were newly married (or maybe even engaged or dating - I can't remember) we talked about possible baby names. I said names I liked and he agreed - perfect! So easy! Clearly we were a good match. :)

Then we started the adoption process, and the names became more concrete rather than an abstract list. And along with that came the reality that my husband did not like nearly ANY of my girl names, nor did he have many suggestions for ones HE liked. We were stuck, but I hoped that as he sat with some of the names he would warm up to them. My boys list, on the other hand, was much shorter and he liked nearly all of them.

Then I got pregnant, and the concept of naming a baby that actually existed took our name conversations into even more - and often more frustrating - directions. Even the boys names felt shaky, and I really had no idea what we would do if this baby were a girl!

Amazingly, when we found out he is a boy the name seemed to just fall into place. And, really, how could we have considered anything else?

But who would have thought it could have been so difficult to agree on a name when it looked so easy from the dating/ engaged/ newly married days. Kind of like trying to conceive, ha!

(I know it is a little mean of me to write all of that and not tell you the name, but I want to keep something a surprise :)

{22 weeks}

2012-02-10T12:19:00.000-08:00

22 weeks

Size of baby: spaghetti squash (approx. 11" and 1 lb.)

Total Weight Gain: +12 lbs
Continuing symptoms: Round ligament pain, slight nose congestion
New symptoms this week: My back is starting to ache. One day this week I did some shopping, and my lower back very suddenly started to hurt quite badly and it made me feel generally unwell (hot, clammy, uncomfortable, weak). Once I sat down I felt fine, but it was scary and a little weird. I think I had just been on my feet too long.
Maternity Clothes: Yes, I think I am nearly exclusively in maternity clothes now, except for a few long regular sweaters that look great and cardigans/ long sweaters to go with my maternity shirts.

Sleep: I actually slept pretty well this week with only two nights with a little insomnia. I am trying to sleep on my sides (especially left) but keep waking up finding myself on my back...which is strange since I rarely slept on my back per-pregnancy!
What I'm Eating: Still enjoying a glass of milk before bed and loving Mexican food.
Cravings: I really really wanted a chocolate malt this week...and got it.
Movement: All the time! Still loving it!! I have felt him now even when standing. I haven't really noticed much of a pattern to his movements. I can feel him pretty high sometimes, too - around or just above my belly button. But other times he feels super low as well.

Special pregnancy moments: Getting some baby clothes as gifts. Having our son prayed over at church on Sunday. Talking to the baby and telling him we love him.

And the baby leaped in his mother's womb...

2012-02-06T17:54:00.000-08:00

One thing that has been amazing during this pregnancy is just how many people's miracle this is. Of course, this is probably one of the biggest miracles my husband and I will ever experience other than the miracle of our salvation, but this pregnancy has been a huge miracle to so many others, too. Our family, our church family, our friends, and even many blog readers (thank you for your sweet comments) have expressed such joy and wonder at seeing how God has worked and created this life.

Yesterday at church my husband and I were near the front of the sanctuary during communion so people could come up and receive prayer, which we do about every 6 weeks or so. A woman who also does prayer from time to time came up to us, and she is one that we have gone to for prayer over the years as we waited on God to give us a family, but she is not in my immediate circle of friends. As she approached, she told us she had recently heard about our miracle, and that she has been joyfully thanking and praising God ever since. She told us she wanted to pray for our little one (even though we were technically the pray-ers that day :), and began to pray.

I have to say that this woman is one that I look up to tremendously as a woman of God who is close to his heart in prayer and scripture. As she prayed, she quoted so much scripture of praise to God, of his ability to create, and of his gracious love for us that I was overwhelmed and began to cry (and she was already crying). She then placed her hand on my belly and prayed for our son beautiful, God-glorifying prayers that he would know the love of God and be a blessing to others in his life. The words just flowed from her mouth and I felt awe-struck at the gift of our son all over again.

While she prayed, I even felt our boy move, and I was reminded of this scripture:

³⁹ In those days Mary arose and went with haste into the hill country, to a town in Judah, ⁴⁰ and she entered the house of Zechariah and greeted Elizabeth. ⁴¹ And when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, the baby leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit, ⁴² and she exclaimed with a loud cry, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb! ⁴³ And why is this granted to me that the mother of my Lord should come to me? ⁴⁴ For behold, when the sound of your greeting came to my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. ⁴⁵ And blessed is she who believed that there would be^[g] a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord.” Luke 1:39-45

I know I am not carrying the savior of the world, but I certainly do feel blessed among women! :)

I wish I had been able to record her prayer for myself AND for our son to hear from time to time down the road, but I already cannot remember many specifics. But I am cherishing that time of prayer in my heart and praising God with renewed awe at this miracle all over again. I am also so thankful for a church-family that feels like they are a part of this miracle with us, because SO MANY people had prayed for us. And what a gift it is that they will also be walking along side us as we raise our boy!

{21 weeks}

2012-02-03T18:31:00.000-08:00

21 weeks

Size of baby: banana (approx. 10.5" and 12.7 oz)

Total Weight Gain: +10 lbs
Continuing symptoms: Round ligament pain, slight nose congestion
New symptoms this week: It was a pretty uneventful week symptom-wise!
Maternity Clothes: I guess it's true with any wardrobe, but there are some of my maternity tops that I love and others just don't look that cute. Maybe I will fill them in more later and they will look cuter?

Sleep: I actually slept pretty well this week and my hips didn't ache as much when I woke up.
What I'm Eating: Still enjoying a glass of milk before bed and loving Mexican food.
Cravings: Refried beans!
Movement: All the time! I still don't really feel him when I am walking around or doing something, but I feel like he is an active little guy. I also think I started feeling him on my bladder this week. His movements don't make me have to pee or make me uncomfortable yet (he's probably still too small), but it's just a weird little twinge I have felt a couple times when my bladder was a little full.

Special pregnancy moments: As you know, I had already started putting together the nursery before I was even pregnant because we were adopting. After getting pregnant I just couldn't go in there. I think it was mostly part of the first-trimester anxiety, but I also think I needed some space from it to process the change of events that occurred so suddenly. Now I am going in the room all the time, and am getting excited to hang pictures and put the finishing touches on the room. I have also been sorting, washing, ans putting away clothes which has been so much fun!

OB appointment today

2012-01-30T10:59:00.001-08:00

Just a quick post to record another (happily) uneventful OB appointment today. I was pleasantly surprised to see the doctor since I thought I had heard the receptionist say she was in surgery today. I really like my OB. :)

My boy's heart rate was 140 and was very steady and even. This was the first appointment that I had my uterus measured, and she said it is perfectly on track for a twenty week measurement.

Feeling him move frequently gives me a lot of reassurance before and between appointments. Of course the next milestone I am looking forward to is viability at 24 weeks! My mom had an incompetent cervix and delivered me at 28 weeks... which makes me a little more nervous about pre-term labor, even though everything I have read says it is random and not hereditary. But I am trying to enjoy each day, entrust our boy to the Lord, and not worry.

{20 weeks}

2012-01-27T18:10:00.000-08:00

Twenty weeks! Half way! How is it even possible?! So thankful!

20 weeks

**The belly is certainly growing...!! :)

Size of baby: small cantaloupe (approx. 6.5" and 10.6 oz.)

Total Weight Gain: +9 lb
Continuing symptoms: Round ligament pain (a lot more!) and weakened immune system (hence getting the third cold I have had in the last 15 weeks)
New symptoms this week: It's not really "new" because it's round ligament pain, but there was one day where it was just so bad this week! I think it was after sitting in an uncomfortable chair at the hospital all day visiting my father-in-law.
Maternity Clothes: I tried on a few of my non-maternity clothes to see what still fits and loved finding a few more things that look cute with my belly! There are other non-maternity things that I can wear, but I don't want to because the belly is less defined and I feel like I just look fat.

Sleep: I think I am starting to feel more uncomfortable when I sleep, and I wake up with my hip feeling sore. I also felt really hot and sweaty during a few nights this week. The past two nights I think I had insomnia, because I went to bed feeling really tired but I just couldn't fall asleep. I'm not totally sure if this is a pregnancy thing, due to my cold, or what...
What I'm Eating: Normal eating habits
Cravings: I made a pan of brownies for my husband's small group and they didn't eat them all...but they have been slowly disappearing this week :)
Movement: I can't even say how much I am loving feeling the baby move! He is definitely getting stronger, and I am noticing the movement more even if I am sitting down (not just lying down). Last night he was really going crazy in there and my husband and I loved watching/ feeling him together.

Special pregnancy moments: We have never had a nickname for the baby, but lately I have loved referring to him as "our boy" when I'm talking to my husband, or "my boy" if I'm thinking about him or talking to the baby by myself. My husband continues to marvel at my growing belly and keeps calling it "beautiful" in an awed tone of voice. :)

I also got my second stranger comment - but first one to me directly - this week. I was picking up a prescription for my husband, and the pharmacist pulled out a few mini peanut butter cups and gave me three and said one was for me, one for my husband, and one for the baby.

And I'm half way!! The first trimester dragged by so slowly, but the second is flying by so far. My friend had her baby this week and I went to the hospital to visit, and it made me that much more excited to meet our boy, see his personality and what he looks like, and get to hold him in my arms. I am loving being pregnant so far, but it is exciting to know that I am halfway there to meeting our boy!

{19 weeks}

2012-01-20T15:05:00.000-08:00

19 weeks

**It's a rainy day so the lighting for the photo is darker...

Size of baby: heirloom tomato (approx. 6" and 8.5 oz.)

Total Weight Gain: +9 lb - I'm not worrying about weight, but it was still nice to stop the 2 lb. per week gain from the last 3 weeks and only gain one this week!
Continuing symptoms: Round ligament pain ( a lot more!), br.east enlargement, mild nose congestion
New symptoms this week: one braxton hick contraction - it scared me! But I read they can start around 20 weeks, and I'm not too far from that. I did get nervous about pre-term labor, but since I've gone so many days without any more I think everything is fine.
Maternity Clothes: Loving a few of my maternity pieces. I also discovered one non-maternity sweater I own that actually looks really cute with my belly, so that is nice since I don't have any warm maternity sweaters.

Sleep: Sleeping well.
What I'm Eating: Normal eating habits. I think I actually ate a lot more during the first trimester and I feel like I am eating like I did pre-pregnancy now (except I do still have a glass of milk before bed), yet I am gaining a lot of weight now.
Cravings: Wheat bagel with strawberry cream cheese for breakfast.
Movement: Love love love feeling our boy move! Each week the movements are getting stronger, and I almost always feel him when I am lying down. I have also felt him a few times while sitting, but I never feel him while standing or walking.

Special pregnancy moments: This section will be bittersweet this week. On Wednesday, my father-in-law went in for a relatively common procedure to open up the arteries of his heart since he was experiencing chest pain (an angioplasty). However, during the procedure a rare complication occurred that caused a piece of the plaque in his arteries to get loose and travel to his brain...resulting in a stroke. It has been a very emotional, difficult, and scary week as we initially just knew something "went wrong" and we were seriously thinking he may die, to wondering why he couldn't talk well (is it the medication?), and then to finding out he had a stroke. Thankfully it is probably a more minor stroke, but seeing somebody you love suffer and lose some of their abilities (his speech is slurred, he has double vision, and is struggling with some balance/ coordination) has been painful...but we are all trusting the Lord together.

My husband and I are very close to his parents. I have almost been surprised at how difficult this has been for me since it is not my dad but my husband's, but I have really grown to love and cherish my in-laws over the last nine years of knowing them. My husband made me so proud in how much he stepped in to help, and the way he lovingly cared for his dad alongside his mom. He slept at the hospital every night with him while we were down there to let his mom get some sleep, and was quite an advocate for his care.

So what does this have to do with pregnancy moments? My in-laws, husband, and myself had many moments where we talked about this baby, and the miracle of new life brought rays of joy to a difficult situation. One afternoon I was sitting in a waiting room with my mother-in-law and the baby was kicking the hardest I have felt yet, and she got to feel him! I know this was a special joy for her. At night when my husband was at the hospital and I was alone, I often went to bed feeling like my heart was breaking for my family, and the little guy would move and it almost felt like somebody was with me giving me a hug. I cherished his movements even more in those sad moments.

Baby boy, you have already brought so much joy to all of your family.

Celebrating our boy by shopping :)

2012-01-18T11:12:00.000-08:00

After finding out we were having a boy, my mother in law and I went shopping to get a few special outfits. Like I said before, baby clothes are so much fun!

This first one we didn't buy - it was given to me by a dear friend. She had saved this little jacket as one of her sentimental pieces from her son and was waiting to give it to somebody special. It's sized 18-24 months so it will be awhile until he can wear it, but isn't it just darling?! It's hard to tell in the picture but it is seersucker.

This little outfit we found at a store called Naartjie. We just happened to walk by this store and at first assumed it would be a really expensive boutique store. But we were pleasantly surprised to find really cute clothes on clearance with an additional 40% off - I think we got this for $8! :)

This one was another fun purchase from Naartjie! I love rugby stripes!

Love the froggy feet on the little pants!

Love the sneaker feet and whale!

This is part of the same set as the previous one, but I love the whale sleeper, too.

A friend already gave me a bin of boy clothes. It's funny because she thought she had already passed along all of her baby clothes, but when they re-organized their garage recently she found one more bin. The items are mostly 3-6 month size, so I now have a LOT of those. I have heard from other friends that people in church will pass on baby clothes and you end up with way more than you need, so I am going to try to resist buying anything else....but it might be hard :)

Anatomy scan details and photos!

2012-01-16T13:00:00.000-08:00

I didn't sleep too well the night before our anatomy scan, probably because I was so excited and nervous. Excited to see our baby, to find out if he or she was healthy, and to hopefully find out if we were having a son or daughter. However, I was also nervous. Although I had been feeling some movement, the movements were infrequent and still left room for me to doubt. What if we got to the ultrasound and the baby had died? This would also be the first opportunity to find out about the health and development of the baby, since we had opted not to do the NT scan. But in the midst of those fears, I knew without a doubt that this was the baby God had given to us, and we would cherish him or her no matter the health or developmental concerns. But it was still nerve wracking to not know what the day would hold!

As soon as the ultrasound began, my first fear that the baby was no longer living was to put ease as we saw movement and the ultrasound tech began taking measurements. She started with the brain, and said everything looked normal. The heart...the kidneys....the legs...as she moved through each body part my heart swelled with thankfulness and profound joy to see all is healthy so far with our little one. It was so cute, too, because the baby was laying with one arm behind his head like he was relaxing. :) The tears of joy began to flow as I silently watched the screen and tightly squeezed my husband's hand.

About halfway into the appointment she moved to measure the legs - which of course gave us a view of what may or may not be between those legs. Before she could even ask if we wanted to know the gender, I saw what looked like a pe.nis and thought, "It's a boy!" However, I second guessed myself and wondered if that could actually be the umbilical cord? (picture #2 below) Pretty soon after that the tech did ask if we wanted to know the sex, and when we answered yes she pointed to what I had thought was the boy part and announced it was a boy.

I had been SO excited to find out the gender, but in that moment it felt rather insignificant. I was simply happy beyond belief to see a healthy little one. But as she continued with the measurements and pointing out different body parts, I kept saying in my mind, "A boy!" and "A son!" and it began to sink in more. It really would not have mattered either way what sex the baby had been, but the reality that this was our baby, our boy, our son began to take shape and filled me with incredible joy. The tears flowed even more freely.

I was walking on cloud nine the rest of the day. I didn't know one could be that happy for that many hours in a row. :) We called family and texted a few friends and shared our special news. Most people were kind of shocked because everyone expected a girl.

That night before getting ready for bed my husband and I laid facing each other on the bed dreaming about life with a son. It was such a sweet time together that I will cherish always.

We are humbled and thankful for the miracle and gift that is our son!

****

Here are the ultrasound pictures from our anatomy scan on Thursday at 17 weeks 6 days. I have to admit that I don't think I can tell much difference between one person's ultrasound photo or another - even my own! - but it was still so amazing and special to see our baby. But it is totally fine if these are not amazing to you, haha!

This was one of the first shots - it is a "skeleton" view of his face. It's a little freaky :)

How we found out it's a boy! There's a little arrow pointing to the boy part.

Later in the ultrasound, we got a much clearer and obvious view of his pe.nis (again there is a little arrow pointing to it). The tech said he certainly isn't shy, and I admit I think this picture is pretty funny! My husband thinks it is almost too inappropriate to post on the internet, haha!

His precious little foot.

His sweet little hand waving at us. The white blob in front is the placenta blocking his face, so unfortunately we did not get a clear shot of his face.

And, last but not least, my favorite one - his profile.

Another joy!

2012-01-15T14:58:00.000-08:00

In the last few days I have been feeling the baby a lot more frequently and with more intensity. I have loved it and had started getting excited for my husband to feel the baby, too, but had read that was more common from weeks 20-24. (I'm only 18 weeks).

However, we were laying in bed reading our Bibles this morning, and the baby was super active and some of the kicks felt quite strong. I put my husband's hand on my belly thinking there was a small chance he would feel him, too. Almost right away there was a strong kick, and I looked over at my husband to see if he had felt it.

Before I could even ask, his eyes were wide as saucers and he had pulled his hand away as though he had touched something hot! I think he was a little freaked out to feel our little guy. :). Like with many other experiences in this pregnancy, I got teary eyed with joy and wonder at this blessing. We are so thankful.

{18 weeks}

2012-01-13T17:36:00.000-08:00

18 weeks

**I love looking more and more pregnant each week! I'm sure there will be a point that I just feel huge and uncomfortable, but I am loving it right now :)

Size of baby: a sweet potato (approx. 5.6" and 6.7 oz. - although at my ultrasound he weighed about 9 oz.!)

Total Weight Gain: +8 lb
Continuing symptoms: Round ligament pain ( a lot more!), br.east enlargement
New symptoms this week: mild nose congestion and snoring
Maternity Clothes: Wearing more maternity shirts this week - I just feel so much cuter and pregnant in them!

Sleep: Sleeping well.
What I'm Eating: Normal eating habits. I feel less hungry now than a few weeks ago, although the books say this is when you typically feel ravenous.
Cravings: I am really into homemade tacos the past two weeks (crunchy shell, ground beef with taco seasoning, refried beans, sour cream, cheese, and tomatoes - yum!)....we have had it 1-2 times per week!
Movement: YES!! I now feel certain that what I felt last week was indeed movement. Near the end of this week the movement felt more pronounced and frequent, although I still need to be lying or sitting down and quite still to notice it. Love it!!

Special pregnancy moments: Seeing my little guy for a nice, long, and thorough ultrasound! Seeing our healthy boy was such an amazing day - I couldn't stop smiling all day. My husband and I laid facing each other that night dreaming about life with a little boy and it was such a sweet time. Feeling movement more has also been a joy (and reassurance!). Buying some boy outfits to celebrate - baby clothes are seriously so.much.fun.

It's a....

2012-01-12T12:16:00.001-08:00

...healthy baby BOY!!!!

All looked normal on the ultrasound, and as the ultrasound tech checked the brain, the heart, the limbs, the umbilical cord, etc. I couldn't help but cry tears of happiness the whole time! Our son! He is healthy!

Lots of ultrasound pictures to come later (including the amazingly obvious boy part!) but I am posting from my phone to let you all know right away. Thank you for your excitement and celebrating with us!

Pregnancy dreams & gender guesses

2012-01-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

I have read that pregnancy dreams are a very common pregnancy symptom, but until last week I had had none.

However, very early on my husband starting dreaming about the baby - ha! His first dream was when I was around 8 weeks pregnant (and shortly after Halloween, which you will see is relevant). He dreamed that our baby had already been born, and was a Kit Kat bar!! Haha! In the dream our baby "Kit Kat" was in a bowl of candy mixed with other candies. My husband was eating candy from the bowl and although he knew which one was our baby, he was incredibly paranoid that he would accidentally eat our baby. This is my favorite of all of our pregnancy dreams so far!

His second dream was much more simple and realistic. He dreamed that I have birth to a baby GIRL and that she was the cutest baby he had ever seen. :) He actually woke me up during the night to tell me about his dream and that he woke up from it feeling incredibly happy. Aw! :)

I finally had my first pregnancy dream last week just before my routine OB appointment. In the dream I ended up having a simple ultrasound, but my doctor was able to tell the gender of the baby and told me it was a BOY! She said I had to wait until the anatomy scan to verify this, but that was what she thought she saw. Of course this made me hope I would get an ultrasound at my last appointment, but alas it was just a doppler check.

Last night I had another dream about finding out the gender (can you tell what I am thinking about these days, haha!). This time I was back at my OB's office (although our actual anatomy scan is with a perinatologist - all doctors in our area send pregnant women to this doctor for the anatomy scan), but some random ultrasound tech guy was going to do the ultrasound. He started, but he was clearly inexperienced and awkward about it. I got impatient and finally asked if the baby was a boy or girl, and he replied, "Hmm...I would say you have a 50/50 chance of it being either one. I can't really tell." What!? I got so frustrated in my dream. Then my OB came in and I told her the ultrasound tech was incompetent (which I am sure I could never do in real life!), and she said she would take over. However, she started doing the ultrasound but was acting really goofy and unprofessional, and I continued to get more and more frustrated! I never did get an answer to the gender question in that dream.

Since my husband had the "girl" dream pretty early on and the baby's heart beat was high, we have both been thinking this baby is a girl (obviously those are not very scientific reasons!). However, as we get closer to actually finding out I am definitely not feeling like I am confident in this guess. I have been day dreaming about having a boy this week so that I am not "set" on the idea of a girl... and I know I will be happy either way on Thursday when we find out! (And so far, based on the poll on the right you guys don't really know either - it is almost 50/50 with "boy" slightly in the lead by 3 guesses :))

{17 weeks}

2012-01-06T12:12:00.000-08:00

17 weeks

*I do feel like I have "popped" although I am not sure exactly when it happened. Somewhere around 15-16 weeks I think, but I am definitely getting comments from friends now.

Size of baby: an onion (about 5" and 6 oz.)

Total Weight Gain: +6 lb
Continuing symptoms: Round ligament pain, br.east enlargement, feeling hungry but then really full quickly,dizziness
New symptoms this week: Not exactly a symptom but I was almost shocked to discover a faint linea nigra on my belly this week!
Maternity Clothes: I sorted through my closet this week and pulled out things that don't fit anymore or are warm weather clothes I won't fit in by the time it's warm enough. They are now boxed in the garage, and my little collection of maternity clothes is hanging in their place. I am wearing maternity jeans full-time (I might be able to wear a regular pair of jeans but it is just so much more comfortable to wear these!), but am still wearing regular shirts with an occasional maternity one thrown in just for fun.

Sleep: Sleeping well.
What I'm Eating: Normal eating habits.
Cravings: This week I really did want a hot dog and made sure I got one. I don't know if it was exactly a craving, but t was the first time I wanted something kind of random that I don't always want but normally try to resist.
Movement: Maybe?! Two days ago (at 16 weeks 5 days) I was laying flat in bed after taking a morning shower (random, I know, but I get kind of light headed after the shower sometimes...). As I laid there I felt what I would describe as a muscle spasm in my abdomen. It happened a couple times, and I suddenly wondered if that was the baby?! I texted my husband right away in my excitement. However, within the next 5 minutes I also had a muscle spasm in my hand and leg, so maybe I was just having muscle spasms. I haven't gotten too excited about it because I'm really not sure, but I have felt something similar yesterday and today as well. But maybe I have been having muscle spasms in my uterus all along, but I am just more aware now because I am looking for movement? It certainly wasn't a 'flutter' or 'butterfly' feeling - more like a little, light thump (or muscle spasm, haha).

Special pregnancy moments: Getting more comments on my little belly. Anticipating feeling movement (for sure) relatively soon. Hearing the heart beat again this week. Even the linea nigra discovery was kind of exciting in a "whoa I'm really pregnant" kind of moment. Being excited with my husband about finding out the gender next week!!

OB appointment today!

2012-01-03T10:53:00.001-08:00

It's barely worth posting about since the appointment was so uneventful, but hearing the heart beat and getting the reassurance that all is well with our sweet babe is pure bliss.

This was the first appointment I saw a nurse practitioner instead of the doctor. There was no ultrasound but I did hear the heart beat on the Doppler and it was in the 140's. Otherwise the appointment was short and sweet, I peed in a cup, asked a couple questions, and went on my merry way.

So thankful all is going smoothly so far!

Welcome, 2012!

2012-01-01T18:05:00.000-08:00

Last night as my husband and I went to bed (we didn't quite make it to midnight...), he kissed me good night and said, "Happy new year mom."

We reflected on this last year and what an eventful and emotional year it was. 2011 began and I was in one of my lowest points of our infertility journey. After two surgeries between us, four IUI's, and four IVF's, I was fully grieving and processing the very real possibility that I would never be pregnant or have a biological child. We had one more surgery left and then our last IVF ahead, but in my heart I did not have much hope that anything would result in a pregnancy.

I then had another surgery to remove a fibroid, and we completed that last IVF cycle with negative results that felt like the ultimate negative. The grieving continued in full force as I sought to give my desires to the Lord and trust him to bring a child into our family. We began researching adoption, chose an adoption attorney, and became an official "waiting family." And then, just when we were about to match with a young woman considering making an adoption plan, God shocked us by the way he decided to bring a child into our family. Without any expectation of it - really, thinking it was nearly impossible - I was pregnant. And everything changed.

Whew. What a crazy, emotional, hard, and wonderful year.

And welcome, 2012. As we said good night last night, we joyfully anticipated meeting our miracle baby, becoming a mom and dad this year, and glorifying the Lord in our next season of life together.

{16 weeks}

2011-12-30T10:49:00.000-08:00

16 weeks

16 weeks - first maternity outfit I wore (actually wore it at 15 weeks 3 days)

**My husband keeps commenting on the belly this week - it's starting to get very real and noticeable! :)

Size of baby: avocado

Total Weight Gain: +4.5 lb
Continuing symptoms: Round ligament pain, br.east enlargement, feeling hungry but then really full quickly, indigestion if my clothes are too tight
New symptoms this week: Dizziness
Maternity Clothes: I received some maternity clothes for Christmas, so I wore my jeans and a shirt the day after (outfit pictured above). I can still wear most of my non-maternity shirts, but it was fun to put it on and I think it accentuated the pregnant belly a little more. I even got my first stranger comment (kind of)! We were at a bagel shop with our in-laws, who are regulars at this place. I was drinking decaf coffee and they were out, so my mother in law went to the counter to see if they had some brewing. The man behind the counter filled my cup, and my mother in law double checked that it was decaf. He responded by saying he made sure it was because he sees we have a little one of the way. :)

Sleep: Sleeping well.
What I'm Eating: Normal eating habits. This week felt a little off because of traveling and being at family members' houses, so I couldn't eat like I normally do. This resulted in some moments of getting really hungry and weak feeling, but then when I would finally eat I got full way too fast and felt uncomfortable. One particularly heavy meal the day after Christmas did not sit right with me and I almost wished I could just throw it up (but I wasn't nauseous).
Cravings: Nothing in particular.
Movement: Not yet but looking forward to it!

Special pregnancy moments: Wearing pregnancy clothes for the first time and having a stranger notice my pregnancy. Anticipating Christmas next year and imagining our 6 month old. My husband noticing my growing belly and constantly touching it when we are at home. Signing up for a birth class (Me?! Giving birth?! It is still surreal most of the time).

Gender guessing game!

2011-12-29T09:29:00.000-08:00

The gender countdown is on and we will hopefully find out whether this baby is a boy or a girl two weeks from today!! For some reason my mom is unhappy that we are finding out, but it is something I just always knew I would want to do. I totally respect those who want to wait, but for us it will be a huge surprise to find out if we are having a son or a daughter in two weeks and then we figure we will have another surprise finding out what he or she looks like on the day of his or her birth. Plus, we can't wait to pray for and talk about him or her using the proper pronoun - we figure that will make this pregnancy that much more real.

I thought it would be fun to have a gender guessing game on the blog, so I have added a poll to the top of the sidebar. Feel free to join in and guess. :) I will share my guess and my husband's closer to the ultrasound.

I made a chart showing some of the old wives' tales that indicate gender:

Boy	Girl
No nausea	Chinese Gender Chart
dry hands	Heart rate high
clear skin	prefer sleeping on my right side
no weight gain in face	crave citrus
left br.east larger	crave sweets

not moody	carrying high? location in early ultrasound
carrying in front don't want bread heel (never did though) Not stealing my beauty (haha)

**From Amy: "Location in uterus at early ultrasound. It has to be around an 8 week ultrasound though. If transvaginal baby on the right - boy, left - girl. If abdominal baby on the right - girl, left - boy. It's been accurate for everyone I know :)" - Ok, so my 7 week ultrasound is here - looks like the baby is more to the left of center, right?? That would mean girl!

(I got some of these from Parents Magazine and others from blog readers)

Happy guessing! :)

ETA: If you have other Old Wives' Tales that you want me to add, let me know in the comments and I will!

Refelctions on Christmas

2011-12-27T16:50:00.000-08:00

What a difference a year (or 4) make.

Christmas had always been the most difficult holidays for me as an infertile. Mother's Day wasn't a big deal, but Christmas...Christmas! How I longed to begin creating Christmas memories with our little one. As the years went by, I longed for the change that a baby would bring, but every year felt like a marker in time that nothing was changed and that, very likely, the next Christmas could be exactly the same.

But this year, on Christmas, we thanked God for the miracle of new life growing inside of me - something that by Christmas last year I had given up hoping for. This miracle is certainly not the baby Jesus or the Savior of the world, but he or she is a beautiful example of God's goodness, faithfulness, and that he can do what we think is impossible.

This year, we talked with our families about having a baby at the Christmas celebrations next year. The youngest child in my husband's family is ten, and my 8-month-old neice lives too far away to be here for Christmas, so this will be the first baby/ small child around in quite awhile. It was so fun to imagine the day with everybody passing around our little one and the joy that he or she will bring to our families.

This year, my husband and I started dreaming of how we would like to celebrate Christmas with our child. Once he or she is old enough we would like to have Christmas morning at our house. And as we thought of this, we imagined the face of a little toddler Christmas morning running through our living room with bright eyes and the sheer excitement that only a child can have.

For those of you still waiting, I hope your next Christmas is filled with the wonder of a child or anticipation of a child. We are so very thankful and blessed for this gift that we were not expecting.

{15 weeks}

2011-12-23T15:57:00.000-08:00

15 weeks

*It doesn't look like my belly really grew much this week, although I felt bigger for whatever that is worth. :)

Size of baby: naval orange

Total Weight Gain: +2.5 lb
Continuing symptoms: I felt quite normal this week, minus the new symptoms below. Thankful to be feeling so well!
New symptoms this week: This isn't completely new since I had this a couple times early in the first trimester (probably when I had a cold), but this week I have caught a cold again. It is very mild and started in my throat. Yesterday I kept having a tickle in my throat and needed to cough constantly, and every time I coughed I gagged. This must be a pregnancy thing because I don't think that ever happened prior to being pregnant. Thankfully the cold feels like it has moved into my chest and I haven't been coughing (or gagging) as much today. Also, I must confess to peeing my pants (only a little) a couple times - my bladder was just really full, and when I stood up to go to the bathroom a tiny bit leaked out. I have been trying to empty my bladder earlier now, but I am kind of surprised since isn't this the trimester when the baby/ uterus is not pressing on my bladder?!
Maternity Clothes: Not yet, but I gave up wearing my jeans altogether this week and have been living in yoga pants (I don't need to dress up for work since I am by myself in a home office!). I can definitely still button my jeans, but I just felt soooo uncomfortable by mid-day that I decided it wasn't worth it to wear them. The last night I wore my jeans I sat through a 2 hour choral concert (thus I couldn't unbutton them), and by the end I had terrible indigestion! I can't say for sure it was entirely connected, but once I stood up I immediately starting feeling better, and then once I unbuttoned them in my care I felt completely better. Weird.

Sleep: Sleeping well.
What I'm Eating: Normal eating habits. I'm living a before bed snack of a glass of milk, and an english muffin - one side with butter and the other side with an almond cocoa spread from T.rader Joe's (it's like Nu.tella but doesn't seem as sweet but is pretty much as unhealthy, haha).
Cravings: Nothing in particular.

Special pregnancy moments: Seeing my high school best friend for the first time in a year (and obviously since being pregnant), having her notice my tiny bump, and getting to talk about the pregnancy with her. Having a few other friends notice my tiny bump, too. Being off of progesterone for over a week and NOT spotting - yeah!

Heartbroken for my friend

2011-12-18T11:44:00.000-08:00

Remember my dear friend who told me a few weeks ago that she was unexpectedly pregnant? The one I was so very happy to be experiencing pregnancy with and anticipating becoming mothers together? Yesterday they found out they lost their baby.

I am so heartbroken for her and her husband. There are almost no words. They had their first appointment at 11.5 weeks of pregnancy and discovered the baby only measured at 6 weeks (which, by the way, isn't that a crazy long time for her body to hold onto the pregnancy?! She was still experiencing morning sickness!). Thanks to my own suffering through infertility I feel like I can be an empathatic friend to her, but I also know I have not (thankfully) experienced a miscarriage. So devastating.

And, of course, there is the part of all of this that I am now the pregnant friend who will always be about as far along as she would have been, whose baby will (God willing) be born around when hers would have been, and my baby will hit milestones and birthdays at the same times as her baby would have. We have already had a good talk where I said I completely understand if she needs space from me because of that, and I think she will be able to tell me if or when she does. But, for now, I am just trying to be there for her as much as possible through phone calls, keeping her company, and anything else she might need.

Sad, sad weekend.

{14 weeks}

2011-12-16T20:45:00.000-08:00


14 weeks

Size of baby: lemon

Total Weight Gain: +2.25 lbs - same as last week. I love my new scale!
Continuing symptoms: gassy, br.east tenderness (even less this week) & enlargement, indigestion (only a tiny bit), and cramping. Still a little tired but nothing extreme.
New symptoms this week: None. My first trimester was really mild (no throwing up, I think I gagged slightly a couple times when coughing, and maybe had nausea once or twice for brief instances...but now I wonder if it was just me hoping I had nausea in those early days of just wanting to feel pregnant), and so far the second trimester feels even more symptom free.

Sleep: Sleeping well.I woke up this morning with a lower back ache, so I'm not sure if I slept funny, did something to it yesterday, or it's just a pregnancy thing.
What I'm Eating: Normal eating habits. I make sure I always eat some breakfast with a glass of orange juice (unlike my pre-pregnancy days where I often skipped breakfast).
Cravings: Nothing in particular.

Special pregnancy moments: Sharing our news publicly and receiving many joyful reactions!! Continuing to check out my tiny belly in the mirror all the time and loving that there is a little something there. Changing to a different doctor for my anatomy scan (the other one wasn't contracted with my insurance) and getting an appointment 12 days earlier (January 12)!! And, yes, I will do a poll on the blog for you to weigh in and guess the gender - so fun! :)

We are public!

2011-12-15T18:33:00.000-08:00

This week marked a huge milestone for me...we went public with our news! This has been much anticipated for two reasons: 1) I am so over the moon excited about this miracle that it is hard to not want to shout it from the roof tops (other than that pesky first trimester anxiety that certainly kept any shouting in check) and 2) We can finally answer people's "How's the adoption process going?" question directly.

During our trying to conceive years, if I would have conceived nobody would have really asked me any questions during the first trimester because few people would have known. Even after an IVF cycle only a select few people would know, and thus we could have gone through that stressful first trimester only answering simple, "How are you?" type of questions. Even if we had gotten the random and awkward, "So when are you going to have kids?" question, that one never really deserves a real answer anyway (unless it's your best friend, but then she probably already knows what's going on...).

But in our situation, everybody and their mother (quite literally - I have had so many people tell me their moms were praying for us - ha!) knew we were adopting. This led to everybody wanting to hear how the process was going, which was actually really fun to talk about...until I suddenly found myself pregnant. Now we felt like we were lying...or being purposely vague...every time the question came up. Church on Sundays was the worst. It wasn't a huge problem, but it actually really drove my husband crazy! So, with that said, it is nice to be able to respond, "Well, we've actually put our adoption on hold because I'm pregnant." :)

We've made three "announcements." The first on was on Monday to both my husband's and my small groups of high school seniors (I have written about them before, but in case you're new we are volunteer youth group leaders. We started with this group of kids when they were entering 7th grade, and they are now in 12th!). We had conveniently planned a joint Christmas party with the guys and the girls groups, and I was so excited to share that we made the announcement early in the evening. We told them we had an update about growing our family, and when we actually got to the part where we shared that I am pregnant, we were met with blank stares for about fifteen seconds because they were completely expecting something adoption related. Once the news sunk in, however, there were many squeals, a few tears, and a mob-like group hug with all my girls around me. Love.

We then announced to our adult Bible study last night. We have been with this group for about three years, and they have supported us and prayed for us extensively as we did infertility treatments and pursued adoption, and I actually remember going to this group crying on the day we found out our male factor diagnosis and receiving prayer. Needless to say I was particularly excited to share with them! We were supposed to bring a white elephant gift that night, so I simply wrote on a small piece of paper, "The (insert last name's) are pregnant! Baby is due June 16, 2012!" on it, wrapped it in a box, and brought it as one of our white elephant gifts. Fortunately it was one of the first gifts opened, and the person who opened it decided to pass it around for each person to read themselves. It was so fun to see every person's face and hear the different "Oh!'s" as the little box went around the room. Thankful.

Lastly, I emailed all the ladies who were invited to my baby shower back in October (the shower that actually happened on the day of my missed period!). It was fun to be able to write out the news and praise God, since I feel like I express myself better in writing. And it has been amazing to get email responses throughout the day filled with joy and praise at this miracle. Humbled.

Before making these announcements, I did email the six women I know in real life who are facing infertility. Thanks for weighing in on how you thought I should notify them, and while I am sure there is some degree of personal preference, I am happy with the decision to email them. It is difficult to know that my news was most likely painful for them, but all I can do is be as sensitive as I can and continue to pray that their arms would be filled soon.

I continue to be so thankful and amazed that I am in this place. That I - Hillary - just made pregnancy announcements. Thank you, Lord. And now that these announcements have been made, I am sure word is out!