An interesting observation from a reader yesterday on the topic of permanent denial.

She (!) said:

“Hello Sarah, I love the idea of permanent   denial for my husband, and unlike a lot of your readers, I think I really do understand the benefits for a man.

I’ve talked it over myself with [my husband] and while he’s nervous and a little unsure he can see my point. And that is it means he can relax and stop worrying about when I may or may not let him orgasm and how he can earn one or persuade one from me. Because he won’t ever be getting one for any reason at all.

I know it’s going to be tough for him and it’s not something I can make him do, but he is willing to try it for me.

That was a real ‘aha!’ moment for me, and I cannot thank you enough for guiding us to this decision. ~ Jennifer”

Wow.

Now that’s hit the nail right on the head. It gives me a genuine flush of pleasure when I read something like that, because it means my work is making a real difference in people’s lives.

At the risk of starting to sound like one of those idiotic ‘female supremacy’ people, I have come round to the conclusion over a considerable time that it really isn’t necessary for a man to orgasm for him to enjoy a very satisfactory sex life and relationship.

Now, please do not take that to mean I think men don’t deserve orgasms, or it’s somehow dirty or wrong to give them. I’ll leave that idiocy to the kind of fantasists who believe orgasm denial can be forced on a man against his will.

No, I mean exactly what I say:

There is no overwhelming need for a man ever to have an orgasm

There’s no compelling medical evidence to suggest he needs to orgasm, and when orgasm is withheld and denied in the context of a happy relationship and by uncoerced mutual consent, there’s no reason to suppose it’s going to cause any psychological or emotional problems, either.

After all, if a man really objects, he can simply take the device off and wank to his heart’s content.

No one is pretending permanent orgasm denial ever going to be easy; nor can we guarantee it’s going to be entirely successful. Accidents happen, and it’s all just a bit of fun, after all.

It’s also going to be a lot of work for both of you, too. The man is going to have to work hard to keep his lady satisfied because any kind of penetration is likely to be far too risky. And unless she’s going to go down the cuckolding route (I am definitely not), then she is going to miss out. Thank Heaven for strapons!

And from her side she’s going to have to work hard to keep him satisfied. Regular, frequent and varied Tease and Denial are not really optional and that takes time and effort. It’s worth it, though, I assure you.

But I think ultimately, for many couples (and certainly a lot of men who email me about this a lot), permanent orgasm denial is the way to go, because the benefits to both parties far outweigh the downside.

No, it won’t suit everyone, but I think long-term it’d suit a lot more than conventional wisdom would suggest.

This has been driven and guided in part by my own experience with John and long, long conversations with him.

We both think his orgasms are unnecessary. Yes, we both enjoy it when he has them, but weighing one up against the other — the pleasure of denial and the pleasure of orgasm — the denial wins by a massive margin.

Yes, when I have him tied down on the bed and I’m giving him a body-to-body massage and slip the Fleshlight over his cock and take him right to the edge, he’s begging to cum like you would’t believe. But you’d expect that, and after I let him cool down we’re both glad I didn’t give in to his pleading and let him cum.

You know… men want to cum, but they crave denial.

Further, we both believe permanent orgasm denial going to make things even better than they are now, which is kind of hard to believe, but there it is.

We haven’t decided on a definite timetable for this but it’s looking increasingly likely to be sooner rather than later.

See, we’ve just moved house into a 200yo renovated farmhouse in a stunning setting.

For no logical reason whatsoever, there’s something just so right about us living in a home in which he has never had and never will have an orgasm.

I don’t know why it seems so right, but John agrees with me. I guess it’s perhaps because it’s a new start, a new beginning. A new phase in our lives together.

I guess we’ll just have to see how it pans out.

Sigh… sometimes I wish I’d known all this 25 years ago, lol. My, but I’d be a little vixen with my own stable by now, I’m sure.

Who knows?

If I’d got into it earlier and taken a different and less sheltered path through young adulthood, I might even be more into the idea of cuckolding.

As I’ve mentioned recently in my emails, I have had my eyes opened to ways it can be made more appealing to women in the mainstream and I can definitely see some advantages to it (especially having the pleasure of a damned good fucking with a real cock and the delicious sensation of a man cumming inside me).

But, hey, if my John is prepared to give up is orgasms for me, then it’s not too much to expect me to pay my own price, too. After all, unlike the fantasy, male chastity really is not “all about her”.

It’s something you do together for mutual pleasure and enjoyment. Personally, I think the notion of it being done to someone is just an abusive fantasy.

As you ought to know by now, I am not a Domme.

I think I’ve made that abundantly clear on many occasions. Yet this still doesn’t stop the occasional ignoramus slapping labels left, right and centre, with the usual refrain being “I can’t see how…”.

Well, I’m afraid your inability to understand something doesn’t make it untrue. That’s a classic ploy used by uneducated religious nitwits who say evolution can’t be true because, well, they don’t really see how it’s possible.

Really, this kind of thinking is an example of the cum hoc fallacy: many people assume  because male chastity and male submission often occur together, they must be causally related.

But I don’t want to dwell on this, because experience over the last couple of years has shown me arguing with these fools is futile. They  can’t separate male chastity and male submission in their own minds, so they insist no one else can do it, either.

No, my gripe today is…

… the submissive men who simply won’t leave me alone.

OK, as has been pointed out to me by my friend Tom Allen, and by my own hubby, John, if I, a woman, start writing a sexually-themed blog, then it’s almost certain I am going to get my fair share of weirdos, kooks and freaks bugging me.

I suppose it’s inevitable, but that doesn’t make it acceptable. I’m sure none of these men would dare act this way in real life, because if they did they’d get their lights punched out.

But because it’s online they somehow think persistently bugging people with unwanted attention is somehow acceptable.

Some of them explicitly tell me they hope they annoy me enough I’ll expose their real name on the blog… because they want the humiliation.

True.

Of course, I don’t do this because I’m not here to give sad attention-seeking wankers the thrill they want.

The fact is, I simply don't find submissive men attractive

It’s nothing personal and I’m sure they’re very nice people, just as most people are in most circumstances most of the time. But a submissive man who won’t take no for an answer? He’s a thoroughly repugnant excuse for a human being, and is not a very nice person at all. The same is true of any man who doesn’t seem to understand “no means NO”.

When a man is told “I am not interested. Go away” then as far as I am concerned, that is that. Any approach after that becomes unwanted and harassment.

But those human vermin aside, I am in no way making a judgement of the submissive man’s general worth as a human being, mind. I expect in other respects they’ll be a normal cross-section of the population in terms of temperament, likeability, and so on.

Yet the fact is, I simply don’t find submissive men in the least bit sexually attractive. In fact, I find their submissiveness thoroughly offputting. Dominating a man, walking over his naked body and having him follow me round like a lost puppy and calling me “Mistress” every five seconds is not what gets my juices flowing.

Alas, it seems in the strangely Politically Correct World of Kink you’re not allowed to say things like that. As John pointed out to me today, it’s  reminiscent of an old episode of King of The Hill where Hank said words to the effect of “how come if I’m white I can’t dislike a black man?”.

Well, it’s the same kind of thing here.

It seems in certain quarters in the World of Kink, if you express a preference, you’re somehow discriminating against anyone who doesn’t fit your criteria and that’s Really Bad Thing To Do.

But we all discriminate all the time. We all have our friends and people we like more than others. And we choose them according to surprisingly arbitrary and narrow criteria.

Newsflash: it’s my right as a sovereign individual to decide whom I have sexual relations with and I can accept or reject anyone I please for any reason I please — height, weight, colour, race, hair colour, eye-colour, intelligence, body size, body type, smell, hirsuteness, sexual preferences and how submissive they are.

I do realise this is an argument I am never going to win, simply because the people who have these odd ideas about what we should and should not be allowed to say, think and feel have not arrived at these asshat ideas through any form of logical thought. They occupy an emotional position, and anyone who’s every tried to talk a child out of crying knows you can’t use logic to argue someone out of a position they didn’t get into by logical means.

I realise the number of submissive men out there dwarfs the number of dominant women available to dominate them. So I understand how frustrating it must be for submissive man who really does feel this need to be dominated when he comes across a blog like this and constructs his perfect dominant fantasy woman in his mind.

It must be hard to get to grips with the truth — she’s not dominant and she really isn’t interested in having slaves or servants. I swear, every man who writes to me with this “once in a lifetime” offer must think he is the first one ever to have had the idea and can hardly get the grovelling offer typed out quickly enough.

Listen up guys: yes, I write a sex blog and sex-themed ebooks. Yes, I like sex. No, I love sex. And lots of it with as many different twists, turns, kinks and variations as I can think of. And the more I write about it, the hornier I seem to get. That’s just John’s good fortune, and if it seems “unfair” to others out there in the sexual wilderness, then that’s just your hard luck.

Yes, we practice strict long-term male chastity and John is lucky if he gets to cum more than once every three or four months — because that’s the game we like to play. So perhaps he’s lucky he doesn’t get to cum more than once every three or four months.

And yes, we are still talking about permanent orgasm denial for him.

But regardless of all that and my admittedly high sex drive, I am not available, I am not dominant, and I am not interested in any man other than my husband.

And if I was, you can bet your cock he’d not be a male submissive.

Sorry if that disappoints anyone, but that’s how it is.

Deal with it.

Wow… what a busy few weeks it’s been.

It hardly seems like five minutes ago it was New Year and John was enjoying his first orgasm in over a year (and wasn’t that all one amazingly hot experience to remember?); and now here we are, with Spring most certainly sprung, the nights drawing out, we’re moving house and this blog has gone bananas.

Not that I am complaining at all. As you’ll know if you’re in the Inner Circle, John has allowed me to take a sabbatical from our “normal” business and devote my time fully to all things male chastity.

That’s how I’ve had the time to write and release two brand new books: 69 Ways to Please a Woman Without Fucking Her and 69 Killer Tease and Denial Tortures. To say these have been popular is like saying your first orgasm after a year of strict tease and denial is “quite nice”, I’d imagine.

There’s also a third one on the way, a guide to cuckolding, something I know is a hot topic for many. But just to be clear: this isn’t something we do ourselves. It simply doesn’t interest us, especially considering the very real dangers. As I’ve said many times we’ve very much into a vanilla male chastity lifestyle.

But, that said…

… I realise many men and women are determined to go ahead regardless, so I’ve teamed up with someone who’s very experienced in this area and we’re writing this as a collaborative venture. It’s proving very interesting (and not a little exciting).

All that aside though, the one thing I really do wish people would get out of their heads is the idea life — anyone’s life — is one, long sexual encounter. It only seems that way. Yes, we probably do play more than most if for no other reason than I spend most of my days thinking and writing about male chastity, orgasm denial and all that stuff. But, you know, we’re busy people and John is now doing the work of two and more or less running the business singlehanded.

Newsflash: no matter how readily your Beloved takes to the male chastity lifestyle and all the fun and games it implies, I can guarantee she is not going to be spending her entire day thinking about playing exquisitely torturous sex games with you. If she’s like most women she’s thinking about shopping, cooking, her work, her next hair appointment, what she’s going to wear on the beach this Summer and… well, you get the picture. It might seem shallow and it might seem like I’m stereotyping, but, you know, that’s what most of us are thinking about most of the time.

Even in my case, where I’m thinking and writing about sex throughout my working day, even when I’m relating my ‘research’ my thoughts and feelings are not especially sexual in nature. Meaning, I’m describing a physical thing. I’m not especially emotionally connected to what I’m writing about.

The strapline of the whole male chastity lifestyle thing is “be careful what you wish for”. There’s an element of the risque and exciting in that, of course, but there’s also an implied common-sense warning. And that is your fantasy might be unbearable.

But not because you’ve inadvertently made yourself a slave of some kind. Rather, it’s more likely you’re going to be disappointed. You’re probably going to be horny most of the time, but your wife or girlfriend is going to be sublimely uninterested in that for most of the time. Your expectations of non-stop bunny-fucking are going to be woefully inaccurate.

It’s not all doom and gloom, though. Because when you do get to play — and it is likely to happen more often when you’re locked, it’s true, for all the reasons I’ve given before — you’re going to enjoy it all a lot more.

And, as always, I stress there is no right and wrong way to do it. Have a play and see what works. Don’t be afraid to talk to her about what’s working and what’s not working.

Keep this, toss that, in other words.

They say things always come in threes, and it was certainly true on Sunday.

Making dinner turned out to be a double disaster (John always cooks on Sundays). Roast beef, hassleback potatoes, carrots, gravy and pureed Brussels sprouts with butter.

Only… some idiot (John) somehow managed to get the kitchen timer in the food processor and promptly destroyed both of them, as well as making the sprouts Differently Edible.

There are just two of his monumental screw ups.

And, just before this, he and I had been out for a drive and we’d come across a pigeon in the road, injured, barely conscious and completely unable to fly.

So he got out of the car, suggested I might want to look at something more pleasant, gently picked it up and with a quick twist, he broke its neck. Neither of us is particularly sentimental about animals, but we don’t like to see them suffer.

Trouble is… either he’s stronger than he realises, or they simply don’t make dinosaurs like they used to because… its head came clean off in his hand.

I am SO glad I was looking elsewhere AND had my eyes firmly shut

So what's the point of all this?

Well, there are three points (which is rather neat, because they’re obviously coming in threes, as well):

First, it just goes to show we don’t always get it right. I bet YOU couldn’t screw up with a food processor, a kitchen timer and a pigeon quite as badly as John did.

See, from the emails I get, people like to put me and John one some kind of pedestal, as if we live perfect, faultless lives.

We don’t. We’re as human as you are, and I bet we make more mistakes and screw up more often and more profoundly than you do (this is really how Be Careful came about — we’ve made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to)

But the difference is, we know this and we accept it, so…

Secondly, it’s a lesson in laughing at yourself. Things often don’t go according to plan, and you can either piss, moan and fret about them, or you can have a laugh at your own stupidity and have some fun.

So if your beloved doesn’t quite get it quite right or you cum when you’re not supposed to, just shrug it off and have a laugh about it (better yet… when you feel you’re about to cum, just think of John pulling off the pigeon’s head, and the moment will pass, I’m sure).

Which leads me to thirdly… just have a go at things!

If you can let go of the fear of failing, then you’ll have a lot more fun in all areas of your life, not just male chastity.

First time John and I tried a chastity device (the CB 3000) it was hopeless. Since then we’ve been through several devices, a full belt and now we’re on a Lori 2C, which is about perfect for what we want right now.

First time we played with a strapon, we couldn’t do a thing, because John got tangled up in the harness, and we just cracked up laughing.

Big deal. Try, try and try again… and now it’s perhaps my favourite toy.

Sure, they’re not for everyone… but they’re an awful lot of fun (not least the pleasure of seeing how frustrating it is for your man when he’s SO close, yet SO far from having what he wants so badly).

I’ve been asked about the toy store I’ve added the blog yesterday, about why it’s so general, and, specifically, why there’s a definite absence of chastity devices.

As I did say in my email, it’s just quick dip of my toe in the water and I need to put some time into making it more aligned with chastity, and with tease and denial.

But to answer the specific question, about devices, I need to think deeply about selling anything like that, because there are devices and there are devices. In other words, some of them are simply rubbish and won’t give buyers the experience they are hoping for (I know this from personal experience).

So for the time being, I’m going to leave devices in the hands of the people who make them to order. This is probably short term, and if I can find some off-the-shelf devices which offer real value for money, then I have no objection to selling them (John is in the middle of writing a review of one, even as I write).

Other toys and playthings are much less problematical, and I’ll finish up by answering the question I’ve had dozens of times in the past few months: what happened to your strap on?

Well, it’s had a lot of use, lol.

Some readers have asked me why John would want me to fuck him with a strapon, which surprised me… because I thought it was obvious the strapon wasn’t for him at all.

Well, let me be clear: he isn’t the one who’s gets to have it used on him. He’s the one wearing it.

You see, most men love to please a woman with a vibrator, or watch her please herself with anything.

And using a strapon to please her when he’s locked and in denial is like pleasing her with her favourite toy, only on steroids.

Because he is fucking her, all bar actually being inside her — he experiences the whole thing up close and personal, so to speak, and has her body hot and sweaty straining against him.

And the frustration he feels?

Delicious!

The ones we have are very much like this:

http://www.malechastityblog.com/my-favourite-strapon

http://www.malechastityblog.com/my-favourite-harness (the D-rings make it really easy to adjust, even when you’re both going at it like the clappers).

Seriously, it’s worth having a go with this, because you have no IDEA what you’re both missing (and that’s a promise).

And remember and there’s a 15% discount on these today — just use the discount code LOCKMESARAH at the checkout.

I don’t know the original source of the image below, so I apologise in advance to the owner, but it’s doing the rounds and attribution seems impossible.

But it was simply too funny to pass up.

Here it is:

There’s also a serious point buried in here, as you might guess, knowing me as you do (and always remember, the opposite of “fun” is not “serious”; the opposite of “fun” is “solemn”, and I while I take male chastity very seriously indeed, solemn about it, I ain’t).

And that point is… these myths, perpetuated by porn are a direct parallel to the myths perpetuated by the Chastity Taliban and the idiotic fantasists you find crawling all over the forums, like dung-beetles swarming over a pile of shit (if you’re looking for a sane and sensible forum where they brook no stupidity, then try the chastity forums).

There is an argument porn has been and is harmful, which some then think is a good reason to ban it or regulate it.

Hmm. As a libertarian, I simply don’t agree with that.

Lots of things are harmful, and what consenting adults to with and to each other is no one’s business but their own.

If you’re dumb enough to watch porn and think women and men really act like that in real life and so go on to have fucked-up relationships, then more fool you; caveat emptor, as they say.

And the same can be said for chastity. I had another glorious email today from someone whose life has been changed by this blog. Not by the stuff I sell, mind, but by the stuff I give away freely (you can get my free guide, here). I find that immensely gratifying.

Here’s a snippet of what he said to me (emphasis mine):

 So far I’ve been orgasm free for six weeks.  And, per our agreement, that’s only half way.  And we’re both loving it thanks to you, which is why I finally decided to get off the dime and buy your book.  I mean, my wife has agreed to upgrade my CB to a Mature Metal “Jail-bird” cage!  All of this has come about just from following your free advice!  I can’t wait to absorb the rest!  This is all and more than I imagined it could be.

If this life-style ever goes mainstream, and I hope it does, it will be in large part, if not entirely due to your thoughtful, wonderfully written (you are a pleasure to read), no-nonsense efforts to clear away the massive distortions of at least one of the manipulative herds of ideologues that plague the net.

Thank you so much for taking the time and expending the energy to do this.  You deserve fame and fortune. ~ TM

Hmm… fame you can keep, but fortune would be nice. I could have a harem of locked slaves looking after me and my locked Hubby.

I fairly frequently get comments saying I should be more “tolerant” and “inclusive”. I shouldn’t lambast the Stupid for their lies and fantasies.

Well, fuck that. I don’t want to be inclusive. I don’t care if I drive people away. The kind of person who’ll be driven away by a brutal exposure to the reality of male chastity is not whom this blog is meant for.

It’s for men and women like the chap above, and the chap I mentioned yesterday.

As I say: male chastity just a game; a serious game, to be sure, but a game nonetheless.

I had a wonderful email yesterday. I mean, truly. It was probably the nicest and most heartwarming email I’ve ever had from anyone since I began the blog.

I won’t include it all here, because it was quite long, and I want to give it a better treatment when I get more time, as it’s got some very important lessons in it.

He begins:

“Hi Sarah, my wife and I are fairly new to the world of male chastity and we are thinking about getting your Be Careful What you Wish for book, but I was wondering if I could ask a couple of questions first because the last book we got nearly sunk the whole endeavor, please allow me to explain” ~ JG

And then he does explain. It’s no surprise she freaked, really. Suffice it to say she came across the typical nonsense that seems to go with the territory:

“She told me that she had married a man and she didn’t want to be in charge of leading our marriage, she wanted to feel taken care of. I asked her what she meant and she opened the book and showed me where it described, in detail, how to dress me as a baby, dress me in women’s clothes, and have me literally, and I do mean literally, worship her as a female goddess”

Well, after a bit of going back-and-forth, and sending him the link to my free Tease and Denial book, which he’d misplaced, he finally came back with:

“I either didn’t get the welcome email or accidentally erased it, but this is EXACTLY the kind of thing we are looking for. I just glimpsed at is as I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but you rock! I will get it to my wife ASAP. I am still going to purchase BCWYWF today, but this is a huge help! Thank you so much!”

And he did, indeed, download Be Careful — http://www.malechastityblog.com/bcwywf — a few minutes later.

I feel very moved by this, and I don’t mind admitting it.

I get a lot of complimentary emails about my work, but when it makes such a profound difference to people… well, then it’s worth all the hassle I put up with from the pink-frilly-panty wearers out there.

I just want to say what I said to JG: if you find all that sissy-stuff repellent and NOT what you are looking for… then you are NOT alone. I can promise you that and Be Careful was written with people like you in mind.

For orgasm denial to be a permanent way of life, your man has to be more than willing. In fact, to make it work as a realistic lifestyle choice, I suspect he’s got to be eager.

Orgasm Denial — Do you have the balls to make it permanent?

Let me explain why I say this.

There’s no doubt orgasm denial is a fundamental part of male chastity. For some men it’s really just about orgasm control meaning they have in their ground rules they get to orgasm, but perhaps not so frequently or so easily as before.

But for some men, it goes beyond control into actual orgasm denial — meaning, their orgasms are consciously and deliberately withheld by whomever they have handed over the decision to.

Now, on the face of it no man would want this. Orgasm denial perhaps one of those things where if you have the desire no explanation is possible, and if you don’t then no explanation is necessary. As someone put it today to me on Twitter, “I think it comes down to the fact that desire itself is pleasurable”.

And as I’ve often said, I don’t fully understand orgasm denial myself… but I don’t have to because I can simply enjoy the benefits I get from it plus enjoy the effect on and the pleasure it brings the man I love.

Orgasm denial as a way of life

We can go even deeper into this and look at men and women for whom orgasm denial is more than an occasional game, but actually a way of life. As in, for whatever reasons they have decided orgasm denial is going to be permanent.

This is where it gets a bit silly, in my opinion. Well, it gets silly in lots of places, but it gets really silly here in particular. One of the biggest misconceptions about orgasm denial is it’s somehow not consensual.

It is.

Every single time.

I get a fair few emails from men and a few comments on this blog (I don’t approve them) claiming they have somehow been forced into chastity and orgasm denial against their will. On the other side of the coin, I get emails and comments from women (who are usually men pretending to be women, if truth be told) claiming they have forced or are blackmailing their men into the same.

And it’s all a crock of shit. If a man didn’t agree to orgasm denial he could simply cut the device off. Or stick a powerful dildo up his arse and cum like that. Or forcibly take the key from his wife. Or beat her up and make her tell him where it is.

This is why ‘forced chastity’ and ‘forced orgasm denial’ are such BS.

Orgasm denial, even as a permanent way of life is a lifestyle choice which requires ongoing consent and cooperation of the man involved. Any other suggestion is B.S., no matter how loudly and stridently the Chastity Taliban claim otherwise. They are deluded at best, and outright liars at worst.

More than that for most men it also requires the ongoing consent and cooperation of the woman, too, especially if he wants her to give him the tease and denial he craves (very few men want to be locked and left; and probably even fewer want their wives fucking other men while this is all happening).

So…

Why would a man choose permanent orgasm denial?

Because if your appreciation and enjoyment of sexual activity isn’t predicated on the necessity of reaching orgasm… why not?

For many men, the pleasure of pleasing a woman, how she moves, how she looks, and how she sounds is the better part of the pleasure of sex.

For many men the pleasure of sex, the need and desire to orgasm right up to the edge is itself more pleasurable than going over the edge itself and experiencing the inevitable come-down (remember the old saying, “the journey is better than the inn”? It applies here for a great many men).

Which leads me to another comment I get a lot, and which I frankly find annoying. And that’s the “but won’t John lose hope and give up?”.

Similarly, I’ve had it said I “must” do certain things to make sure John doesn’t “cheat”.

This all misses the essential point that while it might be true if he saw orgasm as the be-all and end all… he doesn’t. So he doesn’t want to cheat. He doesn’t want to come (well, he does, but only “in the moment”, which is why when I treat him to Tease and Denial, I’ll often restrain his hands).

In other words, in terms of John’s orgasm denial it’s totally irrelevant, and the people who keep bringing it up really ought to read more of this blog and my emails and stop projecting their own feelings and desires onto others. Orgasm denial is pleasure in and of itself. Permanent orgasm denial with regular and intense tease and denial is a natural extension of this to the limit of what’s possible.

Yes, some men like to play the game of “I’m locked and I have no choice and I’ll cheat if I can”.

Fine.

Do that.

But don’t pretend chastity and orgasm denial is not just a game and expect others to take you seriously, don’t fool yourself into thinking everyone else has the same desires and sees it the same way, and don’t start trying to shoehorn your own perceptions and meaning into other people’s lives. It all just makes you look naive, ignorant and stupid.

Fact is, we’ve not made our minds up yet.

We are definitely leaning towards permanent orgasm denial, but we do have some concerns, none of which are to do with John missing out on them (it’s really more about what I’ll perhaps miss out on, but that’s another story).

This isn’t to say things will never change. As someone pointed out, forever and never are a long time. We can change our minds if one or both of us decide that’s what we want. Someone asked me a little while ago what I’d do if John changed his mind about chastity and orgasm denial, and I was somewhat perplexed.

What could I “do”?

Why would I want to “do” anything?

John and I are together because we love each other and we want to be together. It’s not predicated on male chastity and orgasm denial.

On the contrary, our deep love is what makes male chastity and orgasm denial possible and I think more people would do well to realise this and see their own relationships in a similar light.

More Orgasm Denial Posts

• Why Men Do NOT Need To Orgasm
• Orgasm denial as a permanent way of life
• Orgasm Denial: How Long Is Long Enough?

In response to my question a few days ago, I got a huge number of answers… but this one really did stand out.

Why?

Because it probably feels to E. that she’s the only woman in the world this is happening to… but I know for a fact this is far, far more common than she thinks:

“I’m a woman dating a man who wants to be in chastity, and it seems fun to me but I think I’m doing it all wrong. I try to lock him up, but then he comes up with some excuse for why he can’t be locked up or why he should keep the key instead of me and then he takes it off and I don’t know what to do. He says he wants to force him to wear it, but I just don’t know how.” ~ EF

I do write about this in my free Guide but it’s not the main focus of the book, to be sure. It’s probably worthy of a newsletter article because many men will recognise their own behaviour in  it, I’m sure, and it will definitely help the women.

But, in brief, you’ve got here what’s commonly known as “topping from the bottom”.

Now, there’s nothing intrinsically or objectively wrong with this, because it all depends what your ground rules are. If your ground rules allow it, then fine; but if they don’t, then he’s being unfair and unless you do something to remedy the situation, it’s not going to get any better.

In fact, I’d predict it will just get worse and ultimately end in tears (it’s simply not fair for him to leave you thinking you’re doing it “wrong” when the blame apparently lies with him).

So the first thing you might want to do is stop the game and sit down and tell him what you’ve just told me. It’s not working for you, you feel put upon and it’s not fair.

And if he won’t toe the line — meaning he keeps making bullshit excuses why he can’t agree the rules with you and then stick with them, simply carry out the ultimate sanction: refuse to play the game at all.

I’m not suggesting you withdraw physical and emotional intimacy, because I think using those as a currency in a relationship is ultimately destructive, but you can simply refuse to play the chastity game.

Male chastity is hard work for us women, and it’s reasonable for us to expect our quid pro quo for the effort we put into it.

My Big Announcement is delayed until tomorrow.

Because John and I were out of town yesterday and I haven’t had time to get done what I needed to.

So, tomorrow…

And instead, then, let’s answer the simple question raised by this wistful email: “If only i could find the right woman to lock me up Miss Sarah”.

Well, putting aside the fact it’s Mrs Sarah, since I’m married, the first thing I’d do is ask what are you doing to FIND such a woman?

I’ve been over this before, and I talk about the single man and male chastity in Why He Wants You to Say No — but if you’re single and male chastity is important to you, then it makes perfect sense to have it on your “shopping list” when you go searching for a partner.

It’s no secret at all that John and I met online, and while he didn’t have male chastity on his list, he had a lot of other things on it.

Now, I know a lot of people misconstrue my message here and quite rightly point out that basing a relationship on a kink or fetish isn’t a good idea.

But that’s not what I’m saying.

What I am actually saying is it makes perfect sense to have an interest in or a willingness to try male chastity as a necessary but not by itself sufficient criterion in your partner.

Sure, this narrows down the field considerably, and it maybe also narrows down the places you can hope to find someone (but I don’t think that’s necessarily true. The steps I discuss in detail in Why He Wants You to Say No will work just as well with a new relationship as with an existing one).

Furthermore, because it’s not something very many women are interested in or even aware of until their man suggests it to them, it’s likely you’re going to have to put some work into planning exactly how to broach the subject with someone before you become emotionally entangled.

It’s all fairly simple, but not necessarily easy, I’ll grant you. In other words, you have your work cut out for you.

But it’s not impossible and the courage and self-discipline required to do it will considerably strengthen your backbone, I’m sure.

And I really do think it would be worth it — because in the long run it will be much less emotionally draining and ultimately more successful for more people than getting into the relationship first and then seeking to “convert” her with dropped hints and then an outright confession.

Don’t get me wrong — this can and does work. It worked for John and me.

But I suspect the other way is both easier and more likely to succeed, long term.