“Compassion lives in a wise resonance with the tender and painful aspects of life.” — DaeJa Napier

Yearning

I want to let go of criticism. Criticism of others, of myself. I could put myself first, since I’ve found that I criticize others pretty much to the same degree as I criticize myself. And I am ready to let that fall away.

I’m not sure how the idea of letting it go came to me — I am sure it has been percolating for a long while — and I suspect my meditation practice pushed it to the fore. I’m in part two of my year-long brahmaviharas practice.

Brahmaviharas = the four divine abidings.
The four divine abidings = lovingkindess, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity.

I am in compassion now.

The brahmaviharas practice is a concentration practice. First, you sit quietly, and then you bring to mind a person, and then you say certain phrases, usually silently. I also attend to whatever feelings come up, but my anchor, the thing to which I return – the point of concentration – are the phrases.

You begin with someone for whom you feel compassion, perhaps someone you know who is in pain or suffering right now. Then your self, a benefactor, a loved one, a neutral person, a person with whom you have difficulty, and all beings.

There are a few phrases one can use, and I choose from among these…

May you be free of pain and suffering.
May you be held, and come to hold yourself, in compassion.
May you be at peace.

This one has been tenderizing my heart: May I be held, and come to hold myself, in compassion.

These are just words, and they make things happen, on the cushion and in real life. I don’t have a single, tidy anecdote to bring it all to light, rather I have a few sketches to share, forays into new territory.

Insights

During my meditation retreat, on the last day, I literally felt my little grinch heart expanding as I saw myself receiving the loving gaze of two of my Hakomi teachers. A relief, and an opening, an experience of the flow of love between living beings, between myself and another. It is as if the grief of having been closed is experienced along with the exquisite newness and relief of being open.

Then, the day after the retreat as I sat down to meditate, I saw an image of myself emerging from a pool of water with my arms pressed down at my sides. I saw it again and again, and I suddenly realized that I was being born, and then this spontaneous story rolled out before me, in which saw myself as a little baby receiving the loving gaze of my mother. And all holographic-like, I saw myself as a mother giving that loving gaze to my own children, and to myself as a baby. For minutes at a time, I cried and saw myself seeing, and being seen, with love.

And then, a couple of weeks ago, I sat down to meditate, and I noticed a feeling of tightness around my heart, around my ribs, under my arm. Frozen. Tears began to flow, quiet, seeping tears, and I had a sudden memory, at the dinner table as a child, of my father telling my sister and I to “sit up straight” and I had this searing thought: So much criticism.

I put my right hand on my ribs, under my arm and I felt the pain and tightness… a hitching feeling in my neck, an ache in my shoulder blade, all this constriction my left side.

My heart.

And I had more memories, from different ages, taking pride in being like my father and being with him. I saw those experiences as I experienced them then and experienced them now, in a new light — an expansion of experience — and I had an idea for an offering… “It’s okay to do things for yourself” or “your own way” – I can’t remember now.

And then another idea… an offering about it being okay to have an open heart.

With that one, an image immediately jumped into my mind, into my body really: me as a football player, holding the ball tight to my chest (in fact, covering my heart) with the other arm straight out as I rushed headlong into life. My every expression defended.

And the tears of insight and melting away, of grief and healing, of transformation are what greet us in these moments. The space within us grows.

The poetry of the last hundred years is an effort to unfold the left side of the body, to reclaim for the psyche certain disappearing words, thereby preventing the reality behind them from disappearing into amnesia… the thirst for the space of feeling grows.

Antonio Machado says:

It is good knowing that glasses

are to drink from

The bad thing is not to know

what thirst is for

– from News from the Universe

Practice

The day after the criticism breakthrough, I was sitting on the couch and I was tired and irritable and Mica and Orlando were squabbling and Mica was coming toward me, crying and discontent. I could feel the exasperation coming up in me, and I did a little switch-a-roo, like putting on a pair of compassion glasses. Suddenly soft. You know what I mean, don’t you? A tilt of the head, softness around the eyes, receiving. Tender.

And oh, this last year and a half with Orlando… a hard patch. A time when I can see myself coming down hard on him (so much criticism! it doesn’t take much). In the same way I watched myself saying “stop crying” before I could stop saying it, I have seen myself saying “Why don’t you…?” right into Orlando’s young and tender face. This sense of pushing is familiar to me, from the outside it came, and I internalized it, and now it is coming to light again. Remember or repeat. I am choosing to remember.

Let me just say here that I love my father — truly. What I learn about myself teaches me about him, and it is like a broadening of perspective, inclusive. Poor parents, I say, and poor children. And poor parents who once were children. Can’t you see it all, the immensity and depth and beauty and sadness of it all? We can reclaim everything that needs to be reclaimed.

And then I have been practicing as a Hakomi therapist… doing full sessions in our last two modules. We are each other’s clients, and we have a coach, but still, a session, and each time, there is some point at which something clicks, the attunement has hummed us into a deeper connection, and the person has gone deeper with themselves, and I can feel compassion arise in me, unbidden, and the other person feels it to, and it is natural and good, and fundamentally healing. Tender, and connected.

Compassion is not pity. In fact, pity is considered the near enemy of compassion because it is often mistaken for it but has a much different source and effect. Pity arises out of a sense of separateness, a “feeling-sorry-for” that maintains a sense of distance. Compassion comes from an understanding of our connectedness, of the willingness to understand that both pain and pleasure are part of life, of all of our lives.

And I have been taking the Neufeld courses, and he talks about keeping our hearts soft, of keeping our children’s hearts soft, of not making headway in the incident (i.e., it’s too often critical and hurtful to children to be corrected in the moment). He also says this: “We must invite a child to exist in our presence,” and it makes me cry every time. What have I always ever wanted? But I cannot invite a child into a space I have closed off from myself.

Opening

So, here it is, inside my heart, all coming together, and I thought last Wednesday as I sat upon my cushion to practice compassion: I want to stop criticizing. But I also thought… I don’t want to criticize my way into not criticizing. I will keep a journal of all the times I criticize myself, others, either out loud or silently, so that I might come to know this critic and what she is about. Perhaps she has something to tell me. I have no desire to kung-fu her out of existence, cut her off or out, go all bad-ass on her.

I simply want to hear her at the same time I know I am hearing her.

It occurs to me that she might need to be seen with compassion so she can learn to see with compassion. It occurs to me that I might know how to help her, now. That we are helping each other already.

“The thought manifests as the word;

The word manifests as the deed;

The deed develops into habit;

And habit hardens into character.

So watch the thought and its ways with care,

And let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings.”

– The Buddha

~ * ~

Some things to see and read

Lovingkindness by Sharon Salzberg

The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace by Jack Kornfield

Teachings on Love by Thich Nhat Hanh

The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher K. Germer

Listening to Shame (TED Talk) by Brené Brown

The Goodies…

Been a while, hasn’t it?

Here’s what I’ve been finding enlightening, entertaining, moving, meaningful…

:: a sweet children’s song based on the lovingkindness practice

:: following your passion, into the tree tops

:: “thank you for allowing me to feel human”

:: why we shout in anger

:: 100 kisses

:: don’t be such a lunch bowl!

:: mindful body

:: the sensitive ones

:: i cannot begin to explain the depth in this piece, which is why it’s a good thing pamela is such an extraordinary person who writes so well

:: the joys of getting lost

:: i love shelley

:: this song

Top referring sites

The Earth Sanctuary
A nature reserve and retreat center — sacred spaces.

6512 and Growing
growing food and a family at 6512 feet

Lauren Luquin
intuitive artist, poet, and lightworker

Thank you!

~ * ~

If you didn’t already know, Sweet Sky has a facebook page…
like it here to receive updates, tidbits, and photos!

I am thinking…
seems like I am doing lots of memes/theme type posts these days. : )

I am thankful…
for how I am beginning to understand my journey in this life.

in the kitchen…
simple cooking up of veggies — the first asparagus, and giant beets, a rutabaga rummaged from the drawer, and broccolini. An attempt at a rhubarb crisp but realized I have no strawberries! Tomorrow.

I am wearing…
jeans, the shirt I slept in, a sweet brown cardigan, and a pair of my ever-present smartwool socks.

I am creating…
a wonderful life, a rich inner life, more rhythm in our days (standing firmer and more gentle somehow).

I am going…
to get out of this house tomorrow, with kids in tow on some sort of grand adventure! We have been housebound with illness for way too long.

I am wondering…
if (when) I will go to graduate school, what I will study, what my path will look like, but mostly I am filled with wonder that a path is appearing before my eyes and that I am following the call to follow it, even though it may look differently than I thought.

I have been reading…
about lovingkindness and compassion. And the body/brain/wellness connection. Some books I have been dipping into, dog-earing, reading cover to cover:

Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg
The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace by Jack Kornfield
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher K. Germer

and

Kids Beyond Limits: The Anat Baniel Method for Awakening the Brain and Transforming the Life of Your Child with Special Needs by Anat Baniel

I am hoping…
for lots of outdoor time this summer (camping!), for continued personal and professional growth, for ever-deepening love and friendship with Rom, for my children to be profoundly satisfied with themselves and life…

I am looking forward to…
more Hakomi! I just finished a four-day training module and my last one will be in two months. And then, on to certification!

I am learning…
the importance of intentions, and about how to spend time with emotions (again)

around the house…
we are piled under books (mine and the kids’!) and a bit stir-crazy from being indoors. Outside we see spring springing all around us and are grateful for the warmer air.

I am pondering…
what a long gig this parenting thing is.

a favorite quote for today…
A poem from this weekend.

“Scientists find universe awash in tiny diamonds”*

But haven’t we always known?
The shimmer of trees, the shaking of flames
every cloud lined with something
clean water sings
right into the belly
scouring us with its purity
it too is awash with diamonds.

“So small that trillions could rest
on the head of a pin”*

It is not unwise then to say
that the air is hung close with diamonds
that we breathe diamond
our lungs hoarding, exchanging,
our blood sowing them rich and thick
along every course it takes
Does this explain
why some of us are so hard
why some of us shine
why we are all precious

that we are awash in creation
spumed with diamonds
shot through with beauty
that survived the deaths of stars

~ Pat Mayne Ellis

(* quotations found in a newspaper clipping on the subject)

one of my favorite things…
sitting in bed, relaxing, and looking out the window, quietly alone. Which I rarely do. Which I did this evening.

a few plans for the rest of the week:
to be outside, to see some friends, to get my haircut, to keep reading our good, good books together. To continue my daily meditation practice.

a peek into my day…

… last month’s activity …

animals, plants, sea and sky, the earth

outdoor school…

a long weekend up north at the beach (my parents’ house)…

hiking through the woods on the island, Orlando and I went off on our own onto a round-about not-well-traveled loop, sorta spooky, filled with mosses and dark spaces, and Orlando said, “I feel like something is watching us.”

we walked barefoot down the main path…

two lazy afternoons at a beach near us…

the boys watched microcosmos and just absolutely loved it…

visiting our nearby arboretum… so many plants — spring!! smelling, running, shoes off again, hide-n-seek, and Orlando spotted raccoon tracks in the mud…

Mica was so excited, sitting inside a tent outside on the grass with our neighbor-friends as a spider came straight down on its own thread — “That’s the first time I saw a spider exactly like that, on its own thread!!”

visiting the Ballard locks…

and being visited by… chimpmunk, flicker, robin, junco, eagle, garter snake, sand fleas, blue moths, crabs, ants, spider, hawk and the pacific tree frog in our pond! … and salmonberry, tulip, hyacinth, cherry blossoms, apple and pear and all the flowering fruit trees, and so much more!!

people, hearts, love, feelings, and self

spending an afternoon looking through all their old notebooks filled with drawings they’ve done over the years…

re-immersing ourselves into the world of our feelings, talking, naming, exploring, being with… (I’m trying to get away from arbitrating and fact-finding, and instead trying to let things unfold)

the kids are captivated by our new feelez poster and Orlando said the other day, “I remember when we used to play that game (the feelez game), that was when I so young and I was just starting to learn about… all these things of life.”

brother-brother, so many times of upset and repair and love…

taking time for ourselves when we are upset — I need space, I am not ready to reconnect yet, Now I am ready to reconnect…

Mica’s favorite thing to do, “Everyone hugs!” and “Everyone kisses!”

ideas out there, ideas in here

talking about genetics and evolution…

money, denominations, who is on what bill, what denominations there are (Orlando was seriously bummed to find out there isn’t a $1000 bill)…

why are there no women presidents, and about slavery and emancipation and civil rights…

playing with fractions and decimals and base-ten…

Orlando asking Mica, “What’s 200 + 300?” and Mica saying he doesn’t know. And then Orlando saying, “What’s 2 + 3?” Mica counting on his fingers (a favorite thing of his to do lately) and saying “Five!!” And then Orlando, again, “What’s 200 + 300?” and Mica calling out triumphantly, “Five hundred!”

bodies, movement, fluidity and flow, climbing and clamoring

creeping and crawling

climbing trees, playing soccer, fairies, chase, smelling flowers, playing frisbee and nerf guns

golf class

12 hours of play outside with cousins on 5 acres!! wandering the woods, swinging on the swings, discovering a “hurt” bird (which was really trying to trick them away from her nest), picking rhubarb and kale, baking, wrestling, playing telephone, and roasting marshmellows

building, holding, stacking, carrying, sounding —

playing chess with each other, with me, with friends

hammering with the Haba game

snap circuit building

3D Parthenon puzzle

an impromtu music-a-thon before bed the other night, drumming on everything, pounding on the xylophone, belting out love songs to life

family, friends, community, the world right here

outside again! with all our neighbor kids, with cousins many times

a walk with our neighbors and a sweet exploration of the arboretum together, my older boys caring for the younger ones and everyone having a raucous time on an imaginary carousel

we made chocolate-covered strawberries and shared them with many neighbors

being babysat by our neighbor (who is a teenager) every other week, and spending an hour or two with another neighbor as a mother’s helper (she is 11)…

being with Baby H…

imagining, playing, practicing, storytelling

playing baby animals, “big-brother and baby,” and clone wars with each other

spending time together in bed

more Sparkle Stories… the kids just love them and I do, too, though I sometimes roll my eyes at how sweetly that brother and sister talk to each other

Orlando and his cousin putting on a magic show (twice!) for us

and many, many books…. Calvin and Hobbes, Mouse Soup, The Tale of the Firebird, Owly, Where the Wild Things Are, Star Wars Lego book, Missile Mouse, Star Wars/Clone Wars books, All the World, Whose Nest Is This? Even an Ostrich Needs a Nest, I’m the Biggest Thing in This Ocean, Albert, Zen Shorts, Seabird in the Forest, Journey into the Deep, The Deep, Where the Sidewalk Ends, Steps and Stones, DK Ocean, The Magic Flute, Where the Mountain Meets the Moon** (highly recommended), Tracking Trash, Cradles in the Trees, Abe Lincoln at Last, Looking at Lincoln, Civil War on Sunday, Abe Lincoln: The Boy Who Loved Books, Presidents’ Day, The World History book.

We had a nest/deep ocean/Lincoln thing going on (didja notice?), all because of questions about things we’ve seen or heard or read. We even listened to The Magic Flute opera (Lincoln’s favorite).

… And we go on… doing and being, being and doing, ebb and flow, disconnecting and repairing, building and learning, loving living.

Journeying through the world
To and fro, to and fro
Cultivating a small field
~ Basho

{this moment}
a picture, from now, to remember

May I be safe.
May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I live with ease.

Over and over again, for myself, and then for a benefactor, for a loved one, for someone I feel neutrally about, for someone with whom I am having difficulty. And then for all beings everywhere, without exception.

These are words I said daily in January, February, and March, after the idea came to me to practice love this year. Three months on each of the four divine abodes — lovingkindess, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity.

Each morning I sat on my bench in my little nook, and I practiced lovingkindess.

I said these phrases, these simple words, while imagining the faces of those known to me, not so well-known to me, those with whom I’ve become entangled. No need to force any feelings, just say the words, and the feelings will come.

All kinds of feelings. I have felt anxious, wanting so badly for a loved one to be happy. I have felt a little bored or disinterested, often with a neutral person (the person at the check-out line), but not always. I have noticed doubt, hopelessness. I noticed how easily a feeling of friendliness flowed at times, and how it felt stuck and a little stale at others. I have felt a silly-sort of happiness, a swelling of pure love. I noticed whatever came up, and I went back to the words.

I noticed things while not on the bench too. Like how I couldn’t really believe that my kids love me so much. Like how I constantly qualified whatever I offered to the world — from the soup I made to sharing what I was grateful for about myself.

“Oh, sorry, it’s a little bland,” or “I don’t really mean to imply…”

How I said things and then leaned forward and covered my mouth, as if trying to take them back. How I chewed my lips.

On the last day of a three-day meditation retreat where I practiced the brahma-viharas — my first retreat! and the first time away from both boys; I was somewhere beautiful and green and quiet and it was lovely and intense and purifying — on this last day, I noticed my heart, aching like a little grinch heart as it suddenly burst into bloom. The tears flowed from my eyes.

I felt my heart ache into its own fullness, from just these words: May I be…

I didn’t really understand before but bringing forth lovingkindess also brings forth all those things that can keep lovingkindness from coming forth… All these things arise — feelings, memories, images — and when they arise they can be received, and when they are received, they may be set free.

So I’ve watched things rising up, I’ve seen things cracking open, all from the simple act of saying these words:

May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I live with ease.
May you be be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you live with ease.

I offer these words…over and over again, with intention, to myself, to the world, to you. I hold out my hands, and they give and receive.

~ * ~

{linking up with Just Write at The Extraordinary Ordinary… this time with the prompt “words.”}

If you want to learn more about lovingkindness and each of the brahma-viharas, read Sharon Salzberg’s book Lovingkindness. It’s beautiful.

at the beach…
this pretty much sums up the weekend

{this moment}
a picture, from now, to remember

talking about/exploring – The boys dug out fossilized teeth and crystals from clay — Orlando and I are planning on going rock-hounding a couple times in the coming months!

Orlando has been enjoying his math class and this month they worked on probability and the handshake problem (if there are 7 people and each person shakes every other person’s hand, how many handshakes are there?). We did the same problem with 100!! I printed out the numbers 1 through 100 on a small strip and taped it up (thanks to my friend Maria for the idea) and it’s nice to have it around.

Mica has been counting on his own a lot — up to 29 and then he gets a little stuck, saying “twenty-ten.” He keeps playing with it and I think he is on the verge of mapping 1 – 10 with 10 – 100. Cool!

We watched a few TED talks about deep ocean exploring (and then Orlando’s issue of Ask is about oceans… I think we’ll be following up with books and more time at the beach!). We did a simple salinity experiment in a glass of water — did you know there are these huge rivers and lakes at the bottom of the ocean?! With their own ecosystems?! They’re saltier than the ocean.

At the park the kids made up short little movies (of battles of course) and had me film them with the iPhone.

We visited our friends’ new chicks. So cute!!

We did a little thing for Pi day… reading Sir Cumference books, measuring circles, eating pie.

After I noticed how Mica always felt cold while/after eating, we talked about digestion and circulation and looked at our body book.

Mica and I played a game with cuisinaire rods — you roll the dice and then try to fill in a ruler up to 50.

listening – More Sparkle Stories and Elizabeth Mitchell CDs. Hawaiian music, Celtic music, classical music (we love public radio!).

baking, making, and building – we baked a couple of cakes, made sculpey creations and beeswax creations, made monster paper shadow puppets

playing and playing – With cousins, with friends, with neighbors, with each other. Lots of chess, legos, pokemon, animals, and imaginary games (“we’re all baby eagles!”). The kids had a parade all over cohousing, banging on instruments and strewing grass and petals along the walkways. Spring is in the air!!

They’ve been playing a new slew of iPhone games… Fruit Ninja, Doodle Jump, Angry Birds Rio, Cut the Rope.

We bought a new game called Yamslam, which we all enjoyed playing. We’ve also played Sum Swamp, Wildcraft (the best!!), Chess, Max…

reading – More Piggie and Elephant books, Ox-Cart Man, A Tree in a Forest, Little Beaver and the Echo, Zen Ties, When I’m Feeling Happy, The Little Brute Family, The Monster Who Ate Darkness, Rapunzel’s Revenge, Now I’m Reading series, and Hey! I’m Reading. We read some more books about the Greek gods.

watching – We watched A Bug’s Life, more Rube Goldberg machine videos on YouTube (Orlando hopes to build one soon), and the boys watched about a zillion hours of Luigi Galaxy.

using their bodies — Oh my, more of the usual: climbing, jumping, running, playing tag, walking, throwing, swinging. Orlando and Rom hit the slopes for downhill skiing.

out and about – The regular locations — beaches, parks, the woods, the store, the library, the book store, park day, to the aquarium with Baby H and then the carousel… To the arboretum. Rom and the boys attending another puppet show — this time about Odysseus.

~ * ~

I hope y’all are enjoying life!

Today at the arboretum (again), a woman was interested in meeting my kids and my friend’s kids. She was asking them how old they each were, and when she heard how old Orlando was, she asked me, “Is it spring break?”

I told her we homeschool and she said, “Oh! You get to do educational things all the time.”

And Orlando gleefully added, “Yeah, for us it’s always spring break!”

: – )

photo credit

Mindfulness is the miracle by which we
master and restore ourselves.
—Thich Nhat Hanh

Perhaps you’ve heard about how our brain works.

That when we’re triggered emotionally, we can be immediately thrown into our “reptilian” brain, which is all about fight, flight, or freeze.

That the prefrontal cortex (our “mammalian” brain) is the one that houses creativity, collaboration, awareness, and all that jazzy stuff I truly value as a parent and person.

I had no idea how much time as a parent I would spend acting like a lizard.

Luckily, it turns out that we can help evolve our brains right out of the muck into the light.

I can feel what it’s like to be in reptilian mode, and I can feel what it’s like to be in my prefrontal cortex.

I can also feel what it’s like when I am in both at once, and often that is what these mindfulness techniques help me accomplish: to rest in my mind while observing and feeling my responses rather than acting them out. 

A disclaimer  I am not an expert on mindfulness or meditation or the reptiles and mammals living in our brains. This is just my personal interpretation of information that is out there, and all that follows is my personal experience.

Here are some of the ways I bring mindfulness into my days …

Markers

I learned this in my introduction to meditation course.

Choose a simple activity you do every day and use it as a “marker.”

Activities might be brushing your teeth, putting the key in the ignition, opening the fridge, picking up the phone, turning on the tea kettle, hearing your child say your name, etc.

Every time I began my chosen activity, I took a moment to relax my belly, perhaps closed my eyes, and took a few breaths.

I brought my attention to the task.

If I was opening the door, I brought my attention to the feel of the handle in my hand.

If it was my child saying “mama,” I brought my attention to the sound of his voice or to what I was feeling in my body.

I tried to stay for three breaths.

Then, I made an intention to carry that presence forward with me while I completed the task or moved on to something else.

My teacher’s suggestion was to choose one activity a week, and then add another one in each following week for six weeks. Bit by bit, it adds up.

Mindfulness Bell

This idea comes from Thich Nhat Hanh’s book Peace Is Every Step.

The practice is to use the mindfulness bell and/or a quiet space to help members of the family re-center and reconnect, either alone or separately.

Ringing the bell is a reminder and an encouragement to care for ourselves while we find our way back to center. As my youngest child says:

“When the mindfulness bell rings, you can hear your heart.”

There is an implicit understanding that sometimes our actions and words will only cause harm, and that refraining from them is in everyone’s best interest.  

{That actually took me a while to learn. Ahem.}

We have the bell in a certain part of the house, and anyone can go there at any time and ring it.

Like this: I am running around trying to get us all out the door, find shoes, get clothes on, make snacks, etc., and Orlando rings the bell.

Or this: I am overwhelmed and having a difficult time focusing. I sit down and ring the bell. The kids regard me quietly.

Ringing the bell gives us the opportunity to get in touch with ourselves so our actions can continue from a place of care and kindness.

I’ve written more about using it here, and here.

Soft-Belly

Finding a soft belly is just like it sounds. You can try it now.

Bring your attention to your belly… relax your stomach muscles… and now breathe in, feeling your breath filling your belly. Let your belly rise and fall with each breath.

Now, go back to how you were sitting before. Breathe in without the intention of having a soft belly.

Notice a difference?

I mainly use soft-belly as a silent reminder to myself throughout the day… just checking in and letting my stomach relax can cause a huge energy shift for me.

I’ve also used it when I notice my stress rising or I am starting to feel antsy. I take a breath and focus on relaxing my belly.

It helps ground the energy of all of us.

Here’s an example:

I was heading upstairs to get clothes for the kids, and I heard a bang and a cry (sounded like Orlando).

My first response was exasperation — we had spent the morning crashing into each other, literally and metaphorically, and I was tired.

As I turned to head back down the stairs, I turned my attention to my belly, taking time to breathe deeply while I walked (I could tell by the cry that he wasn’t seriously injured).

By the time I arrived to Orlando, I felt ready to comfort — rather than admonish — him.

There is an important difference between:

“I feel stressed so I must think of something else!”

     and

“Here I am feeling stressed… I am going to go inward and notice… using my breath as an anchor, resting my attention there, on my belly and my breath.”

Being kind to yourself matters.

Wrapping Up

Most mindfulness techniques help me because they shift my awareness to something that is undeniably here and now, which grounds me and creates a refuge from which to experience my emotions.

So, instead of thinking “I wish I hadn’t said that! I am so terrible. I’m failing, and harming my children…” and experiencing a terrible sinking feeling, I might notice my hands (placing my attention there, feeling coolness or whatever) while allowing the remorse or sadness (a welling-up feeling, tingly cheeks) to occur and be felt.

Something the Buddha taught about mindfulness…

• We remember and reflect on our past behavior, and notice what has been harmonious and what has been harmful, and we choose to feed what has been harmonious and let go of what has been harmful.
• We experience the fullness, and the reality, of the present moment.
• We create an intention for our future (this is not the same as an admonishment or a resolution… it is more like “May I be…“).

These practices feed my awareness; my awareness helps me clearly see my behavior; seeing clearly allows remorse; remorse gives rise to my intention; my intention creates the possibility for healing.

This cycle is never-ending. I am not healed, but I am healing. I feel this cycle moving through me or me through it, and I am realizing — I’m hoping — that it will be going on for a long time.

Why not begin now?

Choose one technique and give it a try.

~ * ~

This post is an excerpt from my book Practicing Peace.
Download the book here, free!

~ * ~

And, read on for more How-To posts from the Natural Parents Network community:

It’s that time again!

You might remember the great posts in December 2011 that highlighted the Natural Parents Network Volunteers’ most popular or favorite posts from the year. Well, we are back and this time we are bringing you a collection of posts that focus on Do-It-Yourself projects, How-To’s, Tutorials, Recipes, and anything related to a step-by-step guide or informational how-to.

There are a lot of really wonderful posts here and I hope that this serves as an excellent resource that you can pass on to your friends! Enjoy!

Jorje of Momma Jorje.com shares her Family Cloth Tutorial in pictures. She includes step by step photos with some tips for making very neat family cloth. You can find Momma Jorje on Facebook, too!

Lani at Boobie Time Blog shares “How to Help a New Breastfeeding Mom.” This post provides some tips on helping a new mom while she is learning to Breastfeed. You can also find Boobie Time Blog on Facebook and Twitter.

Amanda at Let’s Take the Metro shares “How I Make Cloth Wipes.” This post details how Amanda made all of her cloth wipes. You can also find Let’s Take the Metro on Facebook.

Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy shares “Lessons in a Picture Book.” A Lesson plan for pancakes and how to make your own butter! You can also find True Confessions of a Real Mommy on Facebook and Twitter.

Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction shares “Tips for Road Tripping with a Toddler.” A long car trip with a young child can be a great way to make some wonderful memories if you are prepared to meet the challenges. You can also find Monkey Butt Junction on Facebook and Twitter. 

Abbie at Farmer’s Daughter shares “Maple Cinnamon Swirl Bread.” This recipe tutorial shows you how to make a sweet whole wheat bread with beautiful cinnamon swirls in each slice. You can also find Farmer’s Daughter on Facebook and Twitter.

Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares “How To Consume Coconut Oil Plus Coconut Oil Candy Recipes.” This post provides some tips on how to get your daily dose of coconut oil down the hatch. It also provides some very tasty recipes for coconut oil candy! You can also find Hybrid Rasta Mama on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Google +.

Alicia at Lactation Narration gives some ideas for how to accomplish Partial Weaning for moms who would like to cut down on nursing without completely weaning. You can also find Lactation Narration on Facebook and Twitter.

Cynthia at The Hippie Housewife shares “A Learning-Rich Environment.” This post provides a number of suggestions for creating a learning-rich environment and incorporating learning into everyday life, with a particular focus on the preschool age. You can also find The Hippie Housewife on Facebook, Pinterest, and Google +.

Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares “Kale Chips = Awesome!“ This post shares a super easy recipe for making a super easy (and surprisingly tasty) snack from one of the most healthful greens around. You can also find Becoming Crunchy on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes shares “How to Move to California.” A silly how-to she wrote while she and her then fiance were driving to their new home. You can also find Shannon on Pinterest, Flickr, and Google +.

Gretchen at That Mama Gretchen shares a recipe for “Homemade Fruit Leather.” It’s easier than you ever thought and the perfect snack for you and your family. You can also find That Mama Gretchen on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. 

Julia at A Little Bit of All of It shares “How I Cloth Diaper (Part 1).” This post details the way Julia has cloth diapered her daughter along with the products she uses. You can also find A Little Bit of All of It on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Google +.

Joella at Fine and Fair shares “Our First Sensory Bins.” In this post, she shares how she made a “Scoop, Measure, and Pour” themed sensory bin, as well as an “In the Garden” themed bin. She also shares some tips for making your own sensory bins! Fine and Fair can be found on Facebook and Twitter.

For all of you breastfeeding mamas, Dionna at Code Name: Mama has the ultimate DIY experience with the main ingredient being your breastmilk! 58 Medical, Costmetic, and Other Alternative Uses for Breastmilk includes a cradle cap remedy, an anti-itch salve, weaning jewelry, lotion, and more. You can also find Dionna on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings offers several ideas for “Keeping a Toddler Happily Busy on a Long Flight.” The list includes handmade felt activities, among many other things. You can also find Melissa on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Google +.

Shannon at The Artful Mama shares “Preparing Toddlers for Birth.” This post features MamAmor dolls and shows some alternative ways to talk to toddlers about pregnancy and birth. You can also find The Artful Mama on Facebook and Twitter.

Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World shares her “Family Binder DIY.” This post shows how to put together a family binder, to help organize cleaning, meal planning, shopping and budgeting all in one convenient location!

Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares “5 Green Living, Spring Cleaning Tips.” This post provides easy ways to keep the toxins out of your home and to freshen up your home for spring. You can also find I Thought I Knew Mama on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Google +.

Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares “Daily Bread: My Favorite Whole Grain Bread Machine Recipe.” This recipe is easy, highly adaptable, and a great starting point for creating your own daily (or almost daily!) homemade bread. You can also find Intrepid Murmurings on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest.

Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children shares “10 Tips for Toddler Carseat Woes.” Check out these ideas of dealing with toddler carseat issues without resorting to punishments. You can also find Living Peacefully with Children on Facebook.

Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment shares “DIY Mom’s Night In.” A somewhat humorous solution, this post provides exhausted Mamas the recipe for the perfect way to recharge!

Stacy at Sweet Sky shares “Ways to Bring More Mindfulness Into Your Days.” This post provides tips and tricks to bring yourself back to the present moment, so you can be the parent you want to be. You can also find Stacy on Facebook.

Amy at Anktangle shows us how to make your own popsicle stick puzzles, a fun and simple “busy bag” activity for toddlers and preschool aged children. You can also find Amy on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Google +.

Lauren at Hobo Mama shares “How to sew a mei tai baby carrier.” The mei tai is Lauren and Sam’s favorite carrier for baby Alrik: as comfortable and simple as it is beautiful. You can also find Hobo Mama on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Google +.

Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry shares “How to Make Rainbow Coloured Rice (Without Alcohol) for a Toddler Sensory Bin.” This post provides a step by step tutorial for making vibrantly coloured rainbow rice for sensory play, includes a printable PDF. You can also find African Babies Don’t Cry on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Google +.

Luschka of Diary of a First Child shares “How To Send A Hug In An Envelope.” This post is a creative way to send more than just the standard card to love ones. It literally is a hug in an envelope! You can also find Diary of a First Child on Facebook, and Twitter.